Theoffice3.01.cwk (wp)

‘The Office’ episode 3.01 sample script Jeremiah Pasternak

Jeremiah Pasternak 500 Main St. Rockland, ME 04841 (207) 596 0111 (603) 431 7758 [email protected]

1 FADE IN: INT. MICHAEL SCOTT’s CHRYSLER SEBRING - 7:55AM MICHAEL is on his way to work.

The radio is off.

MICHAEL (driving) Michael Scott, the ladies man, is back in the game! SexyBack by Justin Timberlake is on the radio. So yesterday, while I was at home listening to (gestures to the radio) my new Justin Timberlake CD- Did you know that it’s been three yrs since JT released Justified? Another Justin Timberlake is playing, not nearly as loud. Any ways, the phone rang and guess who it was. My ‘girlfriend’ Jan. She just happened to be in Scranton (whispers) which I don’t believe (normal) and wanted to know if I would like to join her for some fine Indian cuisine. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - LOBBY - NIGHT We can see MICHAEL commenting on the hostess’ turban as he leads them to their seat, but we don’t know what he’s saying as the camera is outside looking in. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - DINING AREA - NIGHT (CONT’D) Looking in from EXT. MICHAEL and JAN are brought to a table near a window. MICHAEL pulls JAN’s chair out for her and when she sits down doesn’t know how to push it in. MICHAEL and JAN are sitting as the hostess gives them their menus.

2 INT. MICHAEL’s CAR - 8:03AM (CONT’D) Michael I had never had Indian food before, but my experience, well, it was strikingly similar to Ben Stiller’s in ‘Along Came Polly’. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT (CONT’D) Looking in from EXT. MICHAEL and JAN appear to be having fun, as is evident with JAN’s half smile. MICHAEL appears to be reenacting a plane fight or something of that sort as his arms are flailing through the air and he’s got a silly look on his face. HE quits this when the waiter brings out their food. INT. MICHAEL’s CAR - 8:05AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL As soon as I tried some of the yellowy, baby food-like curry dish Jan ordered for me, my face started toINT. INDIAN RESTAURANT (CONT’D) Looking in from EXT. Zoom in on MICHAEL’s face as it turns red and he undoes the top button of his shirt and loosens his tie. INT. MICHAEL’s CAR - 8:07AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL Yeah, it got very red. Then, I started to sweat...profusely; and finally my stomach started to... make noises, strange noises, like a volcano ready to explode. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT (CONT’D) Looking in from EXT. MICHAEL is sweating, squirming and looks very uncomfortable all the while laughing at whatever JAN is saying.

3 INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - 8:12AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL Remember that scene in- what was that future-istic movie with (imitating) Arnold Schwarzeneggar? Yeah, ‘Total Recall’. Remember when that thing comes out of the guys stomach? Hmmm... INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT (CONT’D) Looking in from EXT. JAN is sitting, looking at her watch. Zoom out and pan to see MICHAEL exiting the restroom. INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - 8:20AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL After dinner I took Jan back to the hotel... INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - NIGHT (CONT’D) MICHAEL and JAN are pulling out of the parking lot of the Indian restaurant. SHE is obviously uncomfortable, knowing that there is a cameraman sitting in the back seat. MICHAEL So, do you want to, maybe...come back to my con-do? JAN No, Michael, I think I’ll just go back to the Raddison....If that’s ok. MICHAEL Sure, sure. INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - 8:23AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL Yes, Jan did ask me up.

4 INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - NIGHT (CONT’D) MICHAEL and JAN are parked in the Raddison parking lot. MICHAEL Jan, can I...um...can I come up and... use your bathroom? JAN Oh, Michael, do you really have to? MICHAEL Yes Jan! I wouldn’t ask unless I REALLY had to. INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - 8:30AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL I didn’t stay ‘cause...I had to get home...and do some paperwork...and because I’m a ‘good guy’ and Jan may have had a few... MICHAEL drinks an imaginary beer. If you know what I mean. INT. MICHAEL’s APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT (CONT’D) The camera is focused on the bathroom door outside as MICHAEL is inside. I’m ok!

MICHAEL (O.S.)

INT. MICHAEL’S CAR - 8:33AM (CONT’D) MICHAEL Yeah, just a...a really...great night. Perfect, actually. (big smile)

Title and Credits

5 INT. OFFICE - DAY Various shots of different people working. zoom. Dwight has a magazine on his lap.

Pan to Dwight and

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Today, in ‘Ninja Mask’, my horoscope said that I am going to have a peaceful, relaxing, wonderful week with a strong chance of...romance. (pause) Maybe Jim caught the bird flu over the weekend. INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY PAM is looking at DWIGHT, who keeps looking toward the entrance as of waiting for someone. JIM walks in.

Darn it!

DWIGHT JIM looks at DWIGHT as if ‘what the...?’ and then at PAM. She smiles at JIM, and HE continues to his desk where he drops his bag on his desk. DWIGHT has a sinister look in his eye. JIM How are you today, Dwight. Pan to PAM, giggling at the absurd look on DWIGHT’s face. Pan back to JIM as he’s looking at PAM. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM Am I happy about what happened with Pam? Yes, definitely. Do I have any idea what’s going to happen now? No, I do not.

6 INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY JIM walks over to PAM at the reception desk as DWIGHT stares at his back.

Hey.

Hey.

JIM (leans over Pam’s desk and smiles) PAM (smiles back)

Um, so...

JIM PAM (giggles) Yeah... PAM and JIM look at each other, not saying anything for a few seconds. JIM Are we just...not going to talk about what happened, or...? The electricity goes out.

The office is completely dark.

DWIGHT (after a few seconds) Nobody panic. Michael? Michael? DWIGHT turns on a flashlight and points it in all directions. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Where’s Michael? DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT (holding flashlight under his chin) This is NOT funny. INT. OFFICE - DAY (CONT’D) KEVIN I think he’s still in the bathroom.

DWIGHT Why would he be in the bathroom? KEVIN Because that’s where he was a couple minutes ago. KEVIN TALKING HEAD KEVIN (grinning) It smelled like Michael was making hard-boiled eggs in there. INT. OFFICE - MENS RESTROOM - DAY DWIGHT is standing outside the mens restroom door. DWIGHT Quiet everyone. DWIGHT puts his ear to the door. MICHAEL (O.S) Oh my god! (pause) OK, ha ha, turn the lights out on the boss...real funny! Is that you Packer? DWIGHT Michael? (pause) Michael, are you ok? MICHAEL opens the door and DWIGHT stumbles onto him. MICHAEL What...what are you doing? DWIGHT (sighs) Thank god you’re OK. MICHAEL Why wouldn’t I be OK? lights on?

Why aren’t the

DWIGHT You have some toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

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MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL The first thing that I thought was ‘War of the Worlds’ and I know I’m not alone. The electricity goes out, everyone starts to panic and then the next thing you know the ‘machines’ show up. I’m actually more frightened by the though of scientologists taking over, but... INT. OFFICE - DAY MICHAEL Everyone in the conference room. Come on, lickity split ami-gos. Everyone shuffles into the conference room. STANLEY How long before we can go home? MICHAEL Am I paying you to be at home, Stanley? STANLEY You’re not paying me at all. MICHAEL You’re right, I’m not. But, Dunder Mifflin is paying ME to make sure that YOU all are productive, and... we don’t even know what’s going on out there, soSTANLEY If there’s no power my kids will be coming home from school and I NEED to be there. KEVIN (grins) And I have a date tonight. Everyone stops and looks at KEVIN MICHAEL No one’s going anywhere...Just make yourselves comfortable and-

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KELLY (interrupts) -Where’s Ryan? MICHAEL (looking around, to DWIGHT) Give me the flashlight. (looks all around) Yeah, where is Ryan? DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Maybe Ryan was taken by the ‘Others’?! EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - DAY View from INT. window.

Ryan is walking to his car.

RYAN TALKING HEAD RYAN If I’m not going to be doing any work, there’s really no reason for me to be here. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY ANGELA Michael, what are we doing here? Michael Well Angela, we’re going to make the best out of this ‘situation’ and do some ‘office bonding’. Is that going to be OK? ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA BONDING? I don’t want to bond with these people. I could be at home, playing with Sprinkles, Otter, Lucy and Hamilton right now; or (smiling and at the same time blushing)

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10 ANGELA (CONT’D) I could be doing something else. INT. OFFICE - DAY Various shots. Most are still sitting in the conference room. STANLEY is sitting with his arms crossed, looking unhappy. CREED is giving PHYLLIS a back rub. MEREDITH is at her desk sipping from her Big Gulp. PAM and JIM are sitting against the wall besides the reception desk. They are talking and laughing and smiling but we cannot hear what they are saying. INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’s OFFICE - DAY MICHAEL is on his cell phone, on hold with the electric company. DWIGHT Michael, I need to show you something. MICHAEL What, what, what? Can’t you see that I’m...? MICHAEL gets off the phone. DWIGHT pulls him over to his desk. He sits down and opens one of his drawers, and another and another, all of which are full of cans. DWIGHT pulls out a can of Spaghetti O’s. DWIGHT Michael, do you like Spaghetti O’s or Mac and Cheese? MICHAEL (confused) What the? What...what is all this? DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT I, Dwight Schrute, am trained in all forms of disaster relief. One of the biggest problems in disasters, is that most people don’t keep a surplus of nonperishable foods. At my farm, I have a fallout shelter, and in that shelter I have over 30,000 cans of

DWIGHT (CONT’D) vegetables, soup and other essentials. I have enough water for, get this, ten years. INT. OFFICE - DWIGHT’s DESK - DAY DWIGHT I have enough for the two of us, and one other person, for four weeks. MICHAEL Are you insane? No, I don’t need to ask that... MICHAEL starts to walk away DWIGHT (talking to MICHAEL’s back) If by insane you mean prepared, than yes, Michael, I am! EXT. MCDONALD’S - DRIVE-UP WINDOW - DAY RYAN (into the ‘order box’) Could I get a chicken sandwich, no mayo, a large fry and...a medium sprite. TELLER (O.S) will that be all? RYAN (looking at camera) Do you want anything? INT. RYAN’s CAR - DAY RYAN is eating whilst driving.

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12 EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - DAY RYAN (eating) I think it’s just our building that the power went out...it might even be just our floor...so, I’m just gonna wait here until it comes back on...if, it comes back on. INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’s OFFICE - DAY MICHAEL (on the phone) So, how long before it’s on? MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Apparently, a truck full of runaway immigrants hit a telephone pole down the street and that’s why we lost power...I wonder if Oscar knew any of them? INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY OSCAR is telling a ghost story and has everyone’s attention. PAM, JIM, DWIGHT and ANGELA are not there. MICHAEL enters. MICHAEL Everyone, can I have your attention. DWIGHT enters behind MICHAEL. story.

OSCAR continues to tell his

DWIGHT Quiet down everyone, please, Michael has VERY-IMPORTANT-NEWS that affects each and every one of you. OSCAR Michael, I’m right in the middle of a story. MICHAEL What is this, the boy scouts?

DWIGHT Or the browniesMICHAEL (annoyed) What...what does that mean? DWIGHT The brownies are...like the ‘female version’ of the boy scouts. MICHAEL No, they’re not, Dwight! The brownies go door to door selling delicious cookies. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT If they sell cookies, why do they call themselves brownies? They should be selling brownies...or change their name to ‘cookies’. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Where is-

MICHAEL KELLY -I still can’t find Ryan! STANLEY Can we go yet? MICHAEL No Stanley, you cannot go. (to everyone) It seems that a major crisis has been averted and the power should be coming within the hour, so, let’s just sit and...Oscar, you can finish your silly story if you want to.

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14 MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL It’s times like these I wish our branch came equipped with a karaoke machine. (pause) A battery-operated karaoke machine. INT. OFFICE - DWIGHT’s DESK - DAY DWIGHT is sitting at his desk, rocking back and forth. ANGELA comes up from behind DWIGHT and whispers something in his ear. A sly grin appears on DWIGHT’s face. ANGELA walks away. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The room is quiet. MICHAEL So, does anyone want me to burn the new JT CD for them? No.

STANLEY MICHAEL (under his breathe) Um, ok, Marvin Gaye. STANLEY What did you say? MICHAEL I said your daughter would probably like some ‘sexy back’. STANLEY gives MICHAEL an angry look. Hey!

The power comes on.

MICHAEL We have light!

EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - DAY View from INT. window. Zoom in on RYAN. car and walks toward the entrance.

He gets out of his

15 INT. OFFICE - DAY Everyone migrates back to their desks. MICHAEL walks into his office. PAM peeks above her desk. She has happy eyes, rosy cheeks and her hair is slightly more disheveled than it usually is. JIM pops up next to her with a grin from ear to ear. INT. OFFICE - OUTSIDE RESTROOMS - DAY TOBY walks into the mens room just as ANGELA is coming out of the ladies room. TOBY (O.S.) (inside bathroom) Oh, come on! TOBY exits bathroom, disgusted. INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY PAM is sitting at her desk fixing her hair. KELLY sees RYAN and runs over.

RYAN walks in.

KELLY Ryan, you’re ok! Oh my god, I missed you SOOO much! I didn’t know what happened; I was so worried! All I could think was, ‘what if this happened’ to Ryan, or ‘what if that happened’ to Ryan! INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’s OFFICE - DAY TOBY knocks on MICHAEL’s door and enters. Michael?

TOBY MICHAEL Yes, Toby, what can I do you for? TOBY Um, Michael, you overflowed the toilet in the bathroom and it’s... it’s everywhere.

16 MICHAEL (waves toby in) Sit down. TOBY sits down. MICHAEL Do you have any idea how hard it is to maneuver around a bathroom when the lights are off?...to know if you’ve completely wiped yourself clean if you’ve...done a number two?! TOBY No, Michael, I’m sorry, I don’t. MICHAEL Well, It’s hard, Toby!

Trust me.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL No sir, I was not the last one in there...not me. (pause) I think it was Oscar. INT. OFFICE - MICHAEL’s OFFICE - DAY (CONT’D) MICHAEL So someone put a little too much toilet paper in the toilet, fine, it happens. I’m not going to walk around placing blame. TOBY Michael, I’m pretty sure it was you. MICHAEL Well Toby, I’m telling you that it was not, so just make a call to maintenance and it’ll be cleaned up. INT. OFFICE - DAY Everyone is back to ‘work’. JIM looks up and smiles at PAM. She smiles back. DWIGHT is not at his desk.

17 INT. OFFICE - LADIES RESTROOM - DAY ANGELA walks by the ladies restroom and knocks twice on the door and keeps walking. After a few seconds DWIGHT comes out.

The End