The Splatter Brothers

A Thievin’ Theologian Flunks Love 101 (The names are as fake as Greedy’s toothy smile, but , I hate to say, the story’s true) As told by “Dora Barker” (name changed), an old friend of mine who’s long gone to be with the Lord His eyes danced with delight. It was testimony time at Sweetwater Church, and Brother Duncan Greedy was telling everyone how Bible college had enriched his walk with Jesus. “Did y’all know there’s three different words for ‘love’ in Greek?” a broadly smiling, heavyset man asked all the fascinated faces around him. “Phileo, agape, and eros. Now, phileo love is like brotherly love. That’s where they get the name ‘Philadelphia’ from, the City of Brotherly Love. Then there’s agape, spelled a-g-a-p-e and pronounced ah-GAH-pay. That’s the most Christlike love of all, saints, the self-sacrificin’ kind Christians are supposed to have for one another. Finally,” Duncan Greedy blushed in his country-boy way, “there’s ‘eros’ love, the kind husbands have for wives.” “What a blessin’ not to be limited to English in my daily study. Thank God,” he grinned, “I know Hebrew, Greek, and Latin, so I can dig into the

real meat of God’s Holy Word, instead of relyin’ on vague, all-purpose English words. Greek really does shine light on the exact meanin’ of what Scripture writers were really tryin’ to say.” “Amen,” droned a few sleepy saints, who envied him his exhaustive erudition. “Thank you, Brother Duncan,” sighed the pastor. “Who’ll be next, now? We’ve got time for one more good one.” They say opposites attract. True. Duncan turned on the charm, and it wasn’t long before he proposed to a girl he’d had his eye on. It was well nigh miraculous. Pearl had refused to date others in the church. Her one love had always been to serve Christ, and her dearest dream had always been to go to the foreign mission field. But she even gave her calling up to make Duncan happy. You could never have found a sweeter, more unselfish Christian than Pearl was, even in her poverty. How true, you acquire the flavor of what you marinate yourself in. Truly she reminded me of Jesus because she spent lots of time with Him and focused on eternal things. If I live 1000 years I’ll never figure out what attracted Pearl to that guy, unless it was his magnetic personality. Once she made the last payment on her station wagon, wedding bells rang. Now she could stop slaving at a typewriter and start cooking and cleaning for Duncan. We were all glad to see her enjoy a little prosperity for a change. But what price prosperity? Duncan didn’t much care where that came from, in that recession year of ‘74. Now Duncan had it made. Not only had he gotten his girl, and all her domestic skills, but a vehicle for his new business venture: Splatter Brothers House Painting. The pastor heartily approved. Some brothers in the church needed a job. But none of them wanted to work in an ungodly secular environment. Most people thought Duncan was a little weird, but, what the heck? That only made him more lovable. You never saw that guy without a goofy grin on his face, as if he was always sharing a private joke with himself. Duncan took on his motley crew: a reformed hippie, his buddy Buck Barker, Marvin, one disheveled dude who’d just as soon change his job as his socks, and Brother Wayne, a highly respected church elder who had three kids and a fourth on the way. What fellowship they all would share, they thought. Why, it’d be the next best thing to heaven. From the outset Duncan let his underlings know that before he’d split up the money among them, his own business expenses must be deducted first. They all agreed.

Duncan’s phone bill must be paid, since it was used to land jobs for them all. Fair enough. Gas and oil and tune-ups for the station wagon. Also reasonable. Duncan had such confidence in their brotherly love he also deducted his extraneous expenses, such as his mortgage and utility bills. And there were the personal perks, such as refueling his fridge with gourmet baloney and prime rib steaks to keep him in peak condition. But Greedy never had to survive on the same simple diet the rest of his men ate. That would have wrecked his hypochondriac stomach, and he was allergic to anything cheap. So he splashed out on the finest delicacies money could buy: big fat roasts, asparagus tips, luxury ice creams, exotic cheeses and multigrain bread for his mile-high sandwiches. Economy was a virtue for everyone but himself. I remember once he showed a bunch of us the first juicer I’d ever seen, an innovation which was just then coming into vogue. That genius invention could turn a big pile of carrots into a whole tablespoon of juice! Working with Duncan would be an education for his crew. “Duncan,” Buck asked him, as they prepared to work on a rambling old house, “aren’t you gonna scrape the old paint off first before using your spray gun?” “What on earth for?” “If you don’t, Duncan, it’ll look all lumpy and uneven.” It would not do for Duncan’s professional prowess to be questioned by the other men, who looked at him quizzically. Even lethargic Marvin, an archetypical bachelor slob said: “If I were you, Duncan, I’d think twice before cutting corners on this one.” Duncan scratched the back of his neck with a wry smile. “Well, I’d kind’a thought of scrapin’ it, but once we slather a good pile of paint on, nobody’ll notice anyway.” Buck’s cigarette nearly fell out of his mouth. “Look how weather-beaten this old house is. It must be fifty years since it got any attention. You mean you’re gonna prime this place without scraping it first?” He scraped a sliver of peeling paint off with his fingernail. Duncan scratched his head. “What’s primin’?” “It’s when you paint on the first coat, then let it dry before applying the second.” “Oh, I don’t know about that,” Duncan grinned, “It’d take way too long.” Buck rolled up his eyes. “Now, Duncan, maybe I’m just an ignorant hick, but don’t you think the paint job will last a lot longer if you apply two layers instead of only one?” “Not the way I do it, Buck. That’s why I got me this little baby,” he winked at his sprayer. “It blasts the paint on faster than ten men can in the same time usin’ brushes.”

“But it’s gonna look like hell if you don’t scrape the old paint off first, then prime the house, give it a day or two to dry, then go over it again. Or didn’t you factor that in when you made your bid, Duncan?” “Listen to Buck,” said Wayne. “ He’s one sharp cookie. He’ll never steer you wrong, Duncan.” Duncan got all preachy. “Now y’all see here. I don’t need nobody to steer me nowhere. Look, y’all, there might just be one Way to get to heaven, but there’s lots of ways to solve a nit-pickin’ problem like a bump on a wall. If we see any, we’ll just slap on more paint to make ‘em less noticeable. And don’t worry, Buck, we’ll pile on enough paint for two coats, all at once. That’s bein’ a better steward of our time. The Bible says: ‘Redeem the time’. Not even Buck can dispute that. Remember, y’all, the slower we go, the quicker Christmas comes.” If the men bagged forty dollars a week apiece, they thought they were living high on the hog. Problem was, Duncan always underestimated his operating costs, though he’d always buy less than half the paint needed and thin it out with water. The customer would marvel at Duncan’s bargainbasement bid, even more at the sheer speed at which a big two-story house could get painted. One starry-eyed lady said, “It’s nothing short of miraculous! Y’all finished in only five hours!” Duncan grinned and took a bow, waving his sprayer. He said, “That’s the miracle of modern technology.” He really thought, She’s dumb as mud. Good timin’. Rain’s in tomorrow’s forecast. I did my part. I slapped new paint on for her. I never said how long it’d last, and before it runs, I’LL run. That paint sprayer was Duncan’s favorite toy. How easy to slather his colored water onto unprepared surfaces. Generally, the customer wouldn’t even bother to check to see if he’d scraped the old paint off first. So long as Duncan split before hard rains hit, he’d be home free. The first couple of paydays, the crew members took their losses with grace. But winter was coming on, and poverty was beginning to take its toll on crew morale. Every day Buck would take one mayonnaise sandwich to work, two if times were good. His three workmates didn’t fare much better. Wistfully they’d eye the head honcho, who always had a bountiful feast to say grace over. He’d have two or three whole wheat sandwiches stacked high with the choicest fillings, and always a pile of special homemade cookies for dessert. What a luxury, to bake cookies in that year when the sugar industry copied the marketing strategy of the oil industry__faked a big shortage, then inflated their product to an artificially high price: $5.00 a bag, equivalent to $15.00 in today’s money. Duncan would sit by himself apart from his men, making love to each tender morsel while other stomachs growled.

Buck, dizzy with hunger, and shivering head to toe, tramped through the snow to ask Duncan, who was munching away, lost in his own private bliss: “Would you mind sharing just one with the rest of us?” Duncan’s cookie-crammed mouth fell open. “The very idea!” he huffed. “Y’all have got some nerve! Can’t your wife bake, Buck?” “With what?” Buck shot back. “You can’t make cookies out of hot air.” Seeing the vacant look on Duncan’s face, Buck resolved he’d rather shut up and fast than ask again. To this day I don’t know how Duncan got any sleep at night, the way he treated his brethren in Christ; the way his tainted paint smudged his Christian testimony. Worst of all, it didn’t seem to faze him that his hypocrisy grieved the Holy Spirit. Because he always made the cheapest bids, Duncan landed a contract to renovate the Grand Old Train Station, an historical site which allegedly predated the Civil War. What lay behind Duncan’s toothy grin as he strolled through the dilapidated depot and appraised the job? What brewed in his bustling brain? Having borne the blast of Yankee guns and braved the brunt of cannon balls, would this old Confederate relic survive Duncan’s splatter gun, or would the stalwart landmark fall? Over the years, whole chunks of plaster had fallen out of the walls, due to the high humidity. But Duncan was undaunted. “Piece of cake,” he said, shrugging off the size of the job. “Fellers, this job’s a gift. We’ll knock it out in no time.” “How?” asked Buck, who aggravated Duncan the most, because he wouldn’t shut up and submit to authority like everybody else without contributing his two cents’ worth. “Just go faster with the plaster,” Duncan shrugged. “Any idiot can figure that one out.” But bothersome Buck begged Duncan to see sense. “Hey, Duncan, I’m telling you right now, you’ve gotta give each layer of plaster time to set and dry before you apply the next coat. Otherwise the air can’t get through to harden it. Not in this kind of climate.” “Aw...it’ll look just fine.” “But what if it doesn’t set, Duncan, and rots away with mildew? What then?” “Aw, Buck, quit borrowin’ trouble. All they’re payin’ us for is to fill in the holes in this wall. Pure and simple. They never said we had to resurrect this old dump to everlastin’ life. For all we know, the Russians might nuke this place to kingdom come tomorrow, and even if they don’t, the sinners who hired us are all goin’ to hell anyhow. Trouble with you is, you worry too much.” “Okay,” Buck shrugged, “you’re the boss.”

“That’s better. Now let’s get that plaster mixed. Time we spent aarguin’, we could’a had it done by now.” In no time all the gaps were filled in and the train station looked good as new_until the following week, when it caved in like a California mudslide. So who got blamed when the inspectors saw it? Poor, unlucky Buck, the one who’d dared to doubt Duncan’s expertise. Duncan cackled like a mother hen when he fondled his filthy lucre, pleased as punch he lived way out in the sticks and his hideout was hard to find. Throughout their trial of affliction, Brother Wayne kept the other men’s spirits up with his philosophical humor. He’d remind them they were only living out a practical lesson in forgiving and forbearing one another in love. Going through a fiery trial was an opportunity to rejoice, he said, because their faith was being refined in the furnace of affliction. If somebody wrongs you, it’s God’s business to set them straight. But Duncan never did apologize to anybody he’d wronged, whether the church saints, or to the sinners whose houses he’d “painted” with cut-price dribble he’d bought for barely $2.00 a can. After charging his customers top dollar for materials, he’d tell them his curdled, petrified slop was the finest emulsion money could buy. So he was a liar, as well as a cheat. Sometimes a hypocrite practicing greasy grace and sloppy agape needs a good swat from the “bear” in “forbearance” to strike the fear of God in his heart. The Splatter Brothers got hired to renovate an old mansion with an ornate staircase. Once again Buck spoke up. “Duncan, the man specifically said: ‘Paint the stairs and stain the bannisters.’ I heard him.” “Well, you need to clean out your ears, Buck. He said: ‘Stain the stairs and paint the bannisters’.” Buck felt like he was arguing with a fence post. “Okay, have it your way.” “All right, fellers,” said Duncan, “we gotta hustle now. I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve got Christmas shoppin’ to do before all them stores close.” Heaving a sigh, the crew began. They dreaded the outcome. Their client wasn’t around to be consulted. They carried out Duncan’s orders, just ‘cause he was boss. Unquestioning submission to authority. Same excuse the Nazis gave after WWII. They were only following orders. That old mansion didn’t have a prayer, as Duncan aimed his slop sprayer. When they finished, Duncan grinned gleefully. Time to receive the reward of iniquity. Nobody would bother to inspect the work first, Duncan ASSumed. They’d just take his word for it that he’d done the job satisfactorily. As the crew took a breather in another room, he bragged to all the others about that long-awaited wild spending spree he’d go on to celebrate the birth of the One Who gave His all for others. Then the floorboards creaked as if a freight train was coming to avenge the fall of the train station. Duncan froze. The steps drew closer and closer.

Duncan jumped like a scared jackrabbit. Before he could duck out the rear door he heard an earth-shaking roar: “GREEDY, AH WANNA SEE YEW!” There stood the angriest man Duncan had ever seen. His eyes blazed fire and his nose breathed steam. The tirade which followed was unprintable. Duncan’s daddy had never given him such a verbal whippin’ in his life. The four crew members ducked into another room. They just couldn’t hold it in. They’d have to go back and strip off Duncan’s fine craftsmanship and redo it properly. But laughter is good medicine for bruised morale. It seems Duncan must have heard them laugh. Something turned him from a bunglin’ good ‘ol boy corner-cuttin’ con into a much meaner con. Sin is like that. Only when its airbrushed veneer is stripped away do you behold it for the nasty, stinky thing of hell it really is. It’s easy to be duped by a lovable rogue who grins so good you never notice he’s busy bilking you behind your back. That kind of guy can’t be let off the hook for “not being all there”, simply because it takes a lot of devious deviltry to swindle folks the way Duncan did. Contrary to popular belief, even God’s patience with unrepentant sinners is not infinite. Otherwise, why would He say He’s coming back someday to punish the earth for its wickedness? God’s children are called to rebuke sin when necessary, not be doormats for those who abuse our love time and time and time again. It was a snowy-cold afternoon. Duncan was still in the afterglow of Christmas cheer, anticipating a prosperous new year. With the help of his four hungry men, his cup would surely overflow again and again. But how grateful was Duncan Greedy? The time was drawing near for Brother Wayne’s wife to give birth. Wayne felt a strong need to call her and ask if she was okay. Since his job kept him broke, Wayne had to borrow a coin if he wanted to use a pay phone. He knew only one man among them whose pockets weren’t hollow_Duncan. Taking a deep breath, he asked if he might borrow a whole quarter. He might as well have asked Duncan for a whole quart of blood. Duncan raised his eyebrows in shock. Then he snapped, “No time for that! Get back to work!” Time for the showdown. Standing tall, Buck approached Duncan and stared him down. “I don’t believe we heard you right. What did you just say to Wayne?” “All I said was, we’re way behind schedule, so what gives Wayne the notion he’s got time to call his wife?” “Well, wouldn’t you call yours if she was about to have a baby and needed reassurance?” “Well, that’s different.”

Buck boiled over. I’ve rephrased the following dialogue to make it printable, so you’ll get the gist of it without the shock of the original vernacular. Now, the ball’s in Buck’s court. “How’s it different? Doesn’t the Bible say to love your neighbor as yourself?” Duncan got ticked off. “Now you see here, Barker, you’re in rebellion. You’re tryin’ to usurp my authority over these men...” “You don’t have authority over my cigarette butt!” Buck tossed one to the ground. “For months and months all of us have put up with your bull, and the only reason we did it was out of respect for Brother Wayne, not for you! You’ve robbed us blind every single week! We oughta report you to the Labor Board for fraud! While we barely had a scrap of bread among us, you stuffed your fat face with big sandwiches and piles of cookies, and you had the gall to eat them right under our nose, you flea-brained flake! You skimmed off cash you could have paid us with and paid YOUR gas bill, YOUR electric bill, YOUR phone bill, YOUR car upkeep and gas, and filled YOUR refrigerator with fancy foods while we almost dropped dead from cold and hunger! Is that showing the love of Christ?” “Well...uh...we did have an agreement...” Duncan waffled. “It was like making a deal with satan! Every day we got up and dragged our dead bodies to work, we kept our mouths shut, hoping against hope the Lord would make you see the light! But now you’ve pushed me too far!” Greedy squirmed. He looked around, but saw no support in the faces of the other men.“Look, if it’s about the money...” “Well, I don’t need your grimy money! I wouldn’t wipe my nose on it! You make me sick, the garbagey way you just treated Brother Wayne’s wife, all over a stinking quarter! You don’t care two cents about her! All you love is yourself! You cheap chiseler! It would be bad enough if what you just said about wanting to get finished on time was the real reason! Now I may look dumb, but don’t take me for a fool, boy! I just ain’t that stupid! You were worried Wayne wouldn’t pay the quarter back, weren’t you?” “That’s none of your business, Barker! Some Christian you are! At least I don’t cuss!” A storm brewed on Buck’s face. “The way you live is one big cussword, the way you scam so-called sinners day after day after day and still have the gall to tell ‘em the grand old story of Jesus and His love! So who’s the sinner, Greedy? It’s you! You and your convoluted words for ‘love’, when you wouldn’t even recognize love if it hit you between the eyes! You say you feel sorry for us ignorant hicks for only knowing English. Well, boy, if God can’t get through to you in plain English, all your Greek gobbledygook is just so much hot air! Now, what was that St. Paul said about a clanging cymbal?” Duncan gritted his teeth. “It’s YOU who thinks you’re smarter’n everybody else, just ‘cause you believe in evolution!”

“Well,” retorted Buck, “evolution is only a theory, but to say you evolved from a monkey insults the monkey. All of us here have treated you like a friend, but that doesn’t mean beans to you. What was that you said about the love of a friend? And how did you return it? You spat on our friendship, and you stole the fruits of our labor. I know your kind, Greedy. All you do is use people, then throw ‘em away like dirty garbage you don’t need no more. No animal on earth is that mean. And do you think it’s the love of Christ, to con your customers like you do each and every day? No, Duncan, you couldn’t have evolved from anything except a shark. So testify to the whole church and say: ‘God showed me this and this, and I’m superior to the rest of you yokels who barely graduated high school.’ But in the final analysis, God’s gonna bring you to book for what you did with all that fancy book-learnin’. You not only treated poor Wayne and his family like dirt, but Christ too. He said that what you do to your brother, you do to Him as well, or didn’t they expound on that superfluous point in seminary? By their fruits ye shall know them, the Lord said, and just being around you leaves a nasty taste in my mouth!” Buck spat on the ground. Duncan was riled up. “Barker,” he cried, hoisting his aristocratic nose high, “you’re fired! Get lost!” But Buck wasn’t about to slink away like a whipped puppy and let that airhead have the final word. He threw down his paint brush and yelled, “I’ve never been fired from any job before, you bloodsucker, and this won’t be the first time! You can’t fire me from this joke of a job! I quit!” Within the next couple of days, the long-standing prayer of Brother Wayne’s wife was answered. Every day when Wayne got home she’d asked him : “Did you quit your job yet?” Now Duncan had no crew left. He just scratched his head and said, “Why’s everybody mad at me, anyway? Why’d Buck bless me out like that? They’re the ones who were goofin’ off on the job, and slothfulness is a sin. Aw...to heck with ‘em all! I can do just fine without ‘em, and I won’t have to pay no wages, neither!” Well, y’all can guess real quick how that plan panned out. Wasn’t too long Splatter Brothers Paint Company went belly up. At church, Pearl tried to apologize to one sister she’d been close to in earlier years. She found it awkward, as if the words stuck in her throat from feeling too ashamed to speak of the upheaval her husband caused. Her anguish showed in her kind eyes. But SHE wasn’t the one to blame. It was Duncan’s duty to make peace with his brethren, but he never did. Forgiveness must sometimes be conditional. Jesus said in Luke 17:3: IF (thy brother) repent, forgive him. In no case should we stop loving the other person, but true reconciliation is a two-way transaction. If the rascal is too stubborn and ornery to ask forgiveness, uncluttered Christian fellowship with him is impossible because SIN CAUSES SEPARATION between people,

just as sin caused separation between God and Adam after Adam committed high treason against His Maker. So what if your “brother” refuses to listen to reason? Remember, Duncan had defrauded a church elder too. Wayne was such a sweet, patient saint, who daily lived what he preached. But Duncan didn’t care where his affluence came from, even if it came out of other men’s mouths. Jesus instructed His disciples that if the offender refuses to listen to a privately spoken rebuke, he is to be publicly censured by the church (Matthew 18:1517). If he still refuses to listen, he is to be treated as an unbeliever, rather than a brother. There was a “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” policy in our church. Instead of confronting sin infiltrating the church, it was swept under the carpet to rot. I honestly believe the pastor was lenient with Duncan because Pearl had always been one of the saintliest pillars of our church, and he didn’t want to hurt her. She had quite enough to bear, living with that man. If it weren’t for the beautiful children she had, she might have wished she could go back to her former life as a poorer woman who had to depend solely on her holy, harmless Savior. As if he hadn’t created enough misery, before you knew it Duncan struck again. Not many years after his failed business venture, he decided to quit working to support his big family and go back to college. Poor Pearl was up to her neck in diapers and dishes and had four children under the age of six. “So what do you think of goin’ back to work so I can study to be a science teacher?” Duncan proposed to her. “ It’d only be temporary, of course; that is, unless you really enjoy the job and want to keep on workin’.” There were practical considerations. Her mouth quivered with strain. How, she asked, could they possibly afford child care for four small children? That alone would eat up all her take-home pay. “Oh, you’ll think of somethin’,” he said, shrugging off the crushing burden he was laying on her weary shoulders. “You’re a smart gal. But my dream will never come true without your help. If you truly love Jesus, you’ll submit. Remember how Brother Barry said a good wife would even jump off a cliff if her husband told her to.” Pearl knew only God could deliver her from having to leave her family in day care they could never afford. Her little babies needed her. She prayed her heart out for a miracle. The good Lord works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform. Shortly afterward, Duncan’s uncle went to his eternal reward. Even before Uncle Lester’s body was cold in the ground the will was read, and guess who got a big slab of the pie? Problem solved. Pearl could stay home with the kids, and Duncan could be a schoolboy again.

At the gravesite service, Duncan hid his face behind his sleeve. “He’s breaking down,” whispered one of the mourners, “and he’s just too dignified to let us see him cry.” Once the minister finished his long-winded eulogy and committed the departed’s soul to God, Duncan hasted away to be alone with his thoughts. “This really hit him hard,” said his elderly aunt. I never realized Duncan and Lester were that close.” Pearl caught up with Duncan. Instead of tears, she saw a grin as wide as the state of Texas. “You look so peaceful, Duncan,” she said. “You must be happy for Uncle Lester, just knowing his sufferings are over, and he’s with Jesus now.” “Oh, it ain’t just that,” Duncan sniffed. “That ol’ guy taught me more about love in the cemetery than I learned in the seminary. Greater love hath no uncle than this, than that he lay down his life savings for dear ol’ Duncan.”

Is that all she wrote for Duncan? No way. In the long run, sinners can’t be winners. If ol’ Duncan’s still alive and kickin’ at the time of the Rapture and hasn’t repented yet, the end of this story is still up for grabs. What could be the outcome of this, unless Greedy repents early enough? Take your pick. DUNCAN SEES THE LIGHT (finally) “Worst message I ever heard,” sighed Duncan, as he and Pearl turned in for the night. “We must’a been crazy to go with Jim and Julie to that tent meetin’. That preacher hollerin’ about how easy it is to lose your salvation, and my word, sayin’ there’s only one load goin’ up in the Rapture.” “He did have a zeal for holiness,” said Pearl. “But it’s also important to be grounded in the grace of God.” “The way I see it, Pearl, my Bible says: ‘God is Love’. Once saved, always saved. Sure, I’ve made a few human mistakes, but that’s all water under the bridge. How long’s it been, now? Forty-odd years? I know God don’t hold grudges. There just wasn’t enough love in that preacher, or he wouldn’t’a been so hard on us.” Pearl winced, as if the memory were a recent one. “Did you ever make things right with any of those brothers you painted with, Duncan?” “Shoot, no. After the church broke up, all of us scattered to the four winds. They all knew I was only kiddin’.” “Did you ever ask Jesus to forgive you?”

“What for? Things were real tight in them days, and a guy had to make a decent livin’. Jesus understands, and if He doesn’t, my theology’s gone haywire somewhere.” Pearl sighed, but said nothing. She knew how useless it was to reason with old Duncan. He was just too set in his ways. “I better get some shut-eye, Pearl. We’ve got a big day tomorrow. We’ve got a whole passel of grandkids comin’ to spend the day.” “How wonderful,” Pearl smiled, “but we’d better get all rested up for that.” “Good night, Pearl.” “Good night, Duncan.” The lights went out. Next morning Duncan’s eyes opened with a start. Hard sheets of rain were splattering the windows, and the thunder was making a mighty commotion. Oddly enough, it was almost dark outside, though it was 9 a.m. Funny, Duncan thought, squinting and focusing on his alarm clock, which was on Pearl’s empty side of the bed. Pearl should’a woke me up too. I was gonna take the whole gang out to the zoo, but they’ll probably decide not to come over today. Weird weather. It was bright as a bell yesterday. Hey, where’s she at anyhow? I’m hungry. Even a retired teacher gets hungry as a bear... Yawning, he got out of bed and put on his slippers. He called down the stairs: “Pearl? Pearl, honey, have you got breakfast goin’ yet? I hope you’re makin’ them buttermilk biscuits! M-m-m-m! With golden honey, but nothin’s as sweet as you!” Silence. “Where is that gal anyway?” Duncan moaned, stumbling down the stairs. He took a big whiff. “Burnin’ bacon. That ain’t like her to burn my breakfast. But why won’t she answer?” He hurried to go see what was cooking. Black smoke drifted through the kitchen shutters over the buffet counter. “Oh, my lord!” cried Duncan. “Somethin’s on fire!” He raced to the stove and threw water on the grease fire in the bacon skillet. It only made the problem worse. “No, no no!” he yelled. “Wait! You throw a blanket on a grease fire! That’s it!” He looked round, but there wasn’t a big enough piece of cloth. It was then he glanced down and saw Pearl’s crumpled bath robe. Not stopping to think, he used it to extinguish the blaze. Finally he could draw a breath of relief and let himself wonder why it had been lying on the floor in the first place. That wasn’t all. Pearl’s pajamas were down there too. Wait a minute… “Pearl!” he barked. “This ain’t funny now! It ain’t like you to pull pranks, and it ain’t even April Fool’s day! Where’re you at, anyway?” It was unearthly quiet. Heart pounding, Duncan went to the living room and flicked on the TV News Network.

A special bulletin was in progress. A news correspondent stood in the middle of a street, where two cars were burning, and people were running amok. He was hardly able to talk straight, and appeared to be in tears. People were running wild, calling out hundreds of names. One man rushed past the reporter, carrying expensive electronics looted from a shop whose owner had disappeared. “Were they abducted by terrorists using some secret weapon unknown to all of humankind except a handful of conspirators?” wondered the reporter. Duncan needed no further convincing. He sank to his knees. “Oh, Lord Jesus, it’s happened! Pastor Parsons was right after all! He wasn’t the crazy one, it was all those others who told me I’d get to heaven no matter what! But what he said was true! Without holiness no man shall see the Lord, and no covetous man hath any inheritance in the Kingdom of God! I’ve lied to myself all these years about the grace of God!” He began to weep. Duncan finally confessed those sins he’d hung onto for so many years. He barely made it through half the Great Tribulation before he was martyred by agents of Antichrist for his faith. In heaven he reconciled with saints he knew long ago, and wondered why he hadn’t repented of his wicked ways decades before. It was then he grasped the true meaning of agape love. Late repentance is better than no repentance at all, but what if… The Rapture Comes, but GREEDY GOES TO HELL

“Glad we decided not to go,” said Duncan, as he and Pearl turned in for the night. “We would’a been crazy to go with Jim and Julie to that tent meetin’. That preacher thinks it’s real easy to lose your salvation, somebody said, and he thinks there’s only one load goin’ up in the Rapture.” “He must have a zeal for holiness,” said Pearl. “But it’s also important to be grounded in the grace of God.” “The way I see it, Pearl, my Bible says: ‘God is Love’. Once saved, always saved. Sure, I’ve made a few human mistakes, but that’s all water under the bridge. How long’s it been, now? Forty-odd years? I know God don’t hold grudges. There just ain’t no love in a preacher who hollers hellfire and damnation. That’s verbal abuse and politically incorrect, you know.” Pearl winced, as if the memory were a recent one. “Did you ever make things right with any of those brothers you painted with, Duncan?” “Shoot, no. After the church broke up, all of us scattered to the four winds. They all knew I was only kiddin’.” “Did you ever ask Jesus to forgive you?” “What for? Things were real tight in them days, and a guy had to make a decent livin’. Jesus understands, and if He doesn’t, He’s never walked a mile in my shoes.” Pearl sighed, but said nothing. She knew how useless it was to reason with old Duncan. He was just too set in his ways. “I better get some shut-eye, Pearl. We’ve got a big day tomorrow. We’ve got a big passel of grandkids comin’ to spend the day.” “How wonderful,” Pearl smiled, “but we’d better get all rested up for that.” “Good night, Pearl.” “Good night, Duncan.” The lights went out. Next morning Duncan’s eyes opened with a start. Hard sheets of rain were splattering the windows, and the thunder was making a mighty commotion. Oddly enough, it was almost dark outside, though it was 9 a.m. Funny, Duncan thought, squinting and focusing on his alarm clock, which was on Pearl’s empty side of the bed. Pearl should’a woke me up too. I was gonna take the whole gang out to the zoo, but they’ll probably decide not to come over today. Weird weather. It was bright as a bell yesterday. Hey, where’s she at anyhow? Man, I’m hungry as a bear… Yawning, he got out of bed and put on his slippers. He called down the stairs: “Pearl? Pearl, honey, have you got breakfast goin’ yet? I hope you’re makin’ them buttermilk biscuits! M-m-m-m! With golden honey, but nothin’s as sweet as you!” Silence.

“Where is that gal anyway?” Duncan moaned, stumbling down the stairs. He took a big whiff. “Burnin’ bacon. That ain’t like her to burn my breakfast. But why won’t she answer?” He hurried to go see what was cooking. Black smoke drifted through the kitchen shutters over the buffet counter. “Oh, my lord!” cried Duncan. “Somethin’s on fire!” He raced to the stove and threw water on the grease fire in the bacon skillet. It only made the problem worse. “No, no no!” he shouted. “Wait! You throw a blanket on a grease fire! That’s it!” He looked round, but there wasn’t a big enough piece of cloth. It was then he glanced down and saw Pearl’s crumpled bath robe. Not stopping to think, he used it to extinguish the blaze. Finally he could draw a breath of relief and let himself wonder why it had been lying on the floor in the first place. That wasn’t all. Pearl’s pajamas were down there too. Wait a minute… “Pearl!” he barked. “This ain’t funny now! It ain’t like you to pull pranks, and it ain’t even April Fool’s day! Where’re you at, anyway?” It was unearthly quiet. Heart pounding, Duncan went to the living room and flicked on the TV News Network. A special bulletin was in progress. A news correspondent stood in the middle of a street, where two cars were burning, and people were running amok. He was hardly able to talk straight, and appeared to be in tears. People were running wild, calling out hundreds of names. One man rushed past the reporter, carrying expensive electronics looted from a shop whose owner had disappeared. “Were they abducted by terrorists using some secret weapon unknown to all of humankind except a handful of conspirators?” wondered the reporter. Duncan needed no further convincing as to what had transpired. He turned red as a beet. “That’s a thankless way to treat me, God!” he shouted. “After all the years I studied at seminary, and never did get to pastor a church! After all that damn tithe money I dumped into offerin’ plates, and what I could’a done with it! All’a them clothes I donated to the Salvation Army, and I could’a sold ’em at a big yard sale! All the times I read Bible stories to four kids instead of watchin’ TV! All the long years I said ‘no’ to the devil and lived a decent life as a family man!” “And why in Sam Hill did You lead me on the way You did? My Uncle Lester died just so You could bless me and give me a new start in life! Didn’t You say: ‘The wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just’? I know Uncle Lester was a churchgoer, but he dipped snuff! He even lost his temper, just like Buck did! I sorta thought You were makin’ it up to me for the way Buck badmouthed me in front of those other guys!” Duncan began to sob. “All these years I lived the good life! I taught high school physics and retired with a good pension! Pearl and I went to church conventions, had lots of good friends! Both of us taught Sunday

School! All of our kids had a happy life, and their kids too! Not once did You ever warn me I wasn’t good enough for the Rapture!” Strangely enough, Duncan couldn’t stop thinking of Buck, a man he hadn’t seen in ages. “What would he know!” hollered Duncan. “Isn’t smokin’ and cussin’ a sin? If anything I did was all that bad, seems like You would’a kept me poor to teach me a lesson, or sent down an angel to warn me!” Wild with fury, Duncan ran out in the rain. It was not the gentle, refreshing rain of past early autumn days, but a relentless, pounding rain driven by furious winds. Trash blew through Duncan’s back yard. He watched helplessly as the rain turned to tiny hailstones which pummeled his tomato plants. But despite the bad weather, people were pouring out of their houses and crying hysterically for missing loved ones; moaning in fathomless dread because they had been left behind to face earth’s most tragic period in history: the Great Tribulation. Duncan stood under an oak tree, shaking his fist to the heavens, as sirens wailed in the neighborhood. His ears filled with the roars of a storm which had barely begun. His protestations to the Almighty grew ever more bitter, reflecting the stark tragedy spoken of by the Apostle Peter: The spiritual state of a hardened backslider turns out to be far worse than it was before his conversion. Such a one would have been far better off never to have known Christ’s Narrow Way to Life than to have renounced Christ’s Lordship and lose his own soul. A heavy bough, struck by a blinding bolt of lightning, snapped off the old oak tree.

Duncan never knew what hit him. He blacked out. Once again he smelled smoke. He felt himself being dragged down, down, down, beneath the surface of the earth until he reached a yawning black abyss. Someone was waiting for him at the entrance to a vast cavern, filled with leaping flames and indescribably terrifying apparitions. How horrible, to hear that voice again: “GREEDY, AH WANNA SEE YEW!”

“Boy,” drawled a grumpy-looking old acquaintance, “ah got an old score to settle with yew.” “Listen,” stuttered Duncan, “if it’s about my painting...” “That’s the reason I’m down heah,” the spectre growled. “Because of what yew painted. When ah first met yew, yew tried to get me to visit at yore church. Said yew was a Christian and all. Well, ah got to talkin’ with muh buddy about yew, and he told me about that ol’ train station. Seems his boy was hangin’ around outside the depot that day yew told yore men how to do a quick slap-jack job and high-tail it with the cash befo’ anybody was the wiser. Ah heard other stories about yew, too.” Greedy was really sweating now. “Like what?” “About this gal who cried when yore cheap paint rinsed off in the rain. Well, boy, you’ll NEVAH have to worry about rain washin’ yore slop off down HEAH! Ah shore do hate yore guts, Greedy.” Duncan couldn’t duck out of that one. “But you could have accepted Christ, like anybody else,” he whimpered. “You know that.” “Now yew see heah, Greedy. Yew told me Christ was the Lord of yore business, didn’t yew?” “Uh...yeah, I did say that.” “Well, after yew painted yore sorry picture of how a Christian operates, ah decided ah’d best take muh chances down heah.” What Might Greedy Say on Judgment Day? Just knowing he was dead made Greedy shiver head to toe from terror. But there was no escape from the Great Judge of all the earth. Everywhere Greedy looked, colossal angelic sentries stood guard at every entrance, observing the court proceedings with grim faces. Greedy wondered if he could just pass through those massive beings of light and see what was going on beyond that immense door, since he was now in spirit form. He felt as queasy as a kid at the doctor’s office waiting for a tetanus shot. As far as his disembodied eye could see, everything pulsated with a pure bright light that knew no shadows. The jeweled jasper walls of the heavenly courtroom cast rainbow reflections on the transparent gold floor. Momentarily Greedy’s eyes lit up. He spotted a delicate diamond dish on a beautifully carved table, filled with sparkling jewels and gemstones. If only he’d had a few of those sapphires, rubies and diamonds in his pocket when he lived on earth, he never would have needed to lift a finger to work at any job. Or hire those men he’d used to provide his cozy lifestyle so long ago. Biblically illiterate peasants, Greedy thought, as he awaited his turn to give an account of his unrepented-of sins. In the wild jungle of human society, there was no such thing as equality. Some were born to work, but

others were born to live, and live well. Even God had to agree with that, since He hadn’t created everybody with a silver spoon in their mouth. What if some doctor jump-starts my heart and I wake up from this? Greedy wondered. What if I need money to tide me over till the insurance money comes through? Greedy slipped his hand in the dish of rare jewels. Wonder what these might be worth... “I wouldn’t do that if I were you!” a booming voice rang out. Greedy raised his fat face to behold a big shiny angel with a sword in his hand. That critter must be at least ten feet tall, Greedy thought.

“We don’t allow thieves into heaven,” the angel said. “These jewels represent the preciousness of righteous saints, and you don’t qualify to even touch them.” Duncan looked mighty aggravated. “Hey, ain’t I a child of God?” Greedy argued. “Didn’t you brag about being a Bible expert, Greedy?” the angel asked with studied skepticism. “Well, I was one,” Greedy sniffed. “Nobody else in my dumb hick town even came close to my vast storehouse of Bible knowledge.” “I’ll test you on that one, Duncan. Have you never read I John 3:10, which states that those who don’t live righteously and love their brother are not of God?” “Waal, some of ‘em were awful hard to love!” Greedy grumbled. “I did my darnedest to love my neighbor no matter how cussed and ornery they acted, and now this is the thanks I get!” “We’ll reexamine that shaky premise later,” said the angel stiffly. Any other reasons why should you be granted admittance into this Paradise of peace?”

Duncan rolled his eyes. “For your information, Mr. Angel, I went to church every single Sunday I wasn’t sick. I did without a lot of goodies so I could pay my tithe on time. I lived a respectable life. Hey, why don’t you and me practice for when my turn gets called to go in the courtroom? See how long the line is yonder?” Greedy pointed. “I’m a pretty smart guy, and I’ll prove to you I deserve to go to heaven.” “We’ll see about that,” the angel said doubtfully. “I’ll judge you on the basis of what I know of the Word of God. But remember, I’m only a created being, and it will be far more frightening to stand before God than me. Now as for your argument that you deserve to go to heaven for faithful tithing, you get no credit for that. Tithing is nowhere commanded by any apostle to the church of Jesus Christ. Tithing of money to non-Levites would have been a major breach of the commandment of God even under the Old Law. Only livestock or fruits of the field were permitted to be paid as tithes.” “But Mr. Angel,” Greedy pleaded, “One year we grew a big garden and we gave our preacher a heckuva lot of our tomatoes, okra, turnip greens, butter beans, corn, crowder peas…” The angel shook his head. “Even the Pharisees of Jesus’ day bragged about being respectable men who sacrificed their mint leaves to God so they could look holier than other people to impress other people. Yet consider how cruelly they treated the Savior Who would have set them free from sin.” “But I donated my worn-out work duds to the Salvation Army!” Duncan whimpered. “Heck, you know I never would’a been mean to Jesus!” “Enough of that nonsense!” the angel huffed, waving his hand. “You know you’re only waffling with me because you’re covering up your sin like horse manure. Just like you did during your rotten, selfish lifetime! Listen, you so-called seminary-educated expert on Biblical exegesis. Have you never read that he who hides his sin shall not prosper?” “What’s that got to do with me?” Duncan shrugged. “Lord knows I said my prayers every night before turning in. Look, I never once cheated on Pearl. I never once defrauded the Infernal Revenue Service of taxes. I…” “But you did defraud your brethren of their rightful wages, Greedy. Don’t play games with me, you wily old rascal.” Duncan scratched his head. “When did that happen? Ain’t nobody worked for me since I don’t know when.” The angel looked irked. “Quit pretending you don’t remember!” “Waal, I don’t! I’m just a worn-out old feller with a tired old brain!” “Maybe this would refresh your foggy memory! The angel spoke a few simple words. A 3-D scene from the past appeared, in living color. It was evening. Pearl had just put her babies to bed when she heard the front door open. “Pearl!” Duncan moaned. “Come quick, help me haul this stuff in the house!”

Duncan stood at the door in his painting overalls, surrounded by bulging bags, some of which contained clothes, toys, tree ornaments, tinsel and fancy wrapping paper. “C’mere, honey, just look at what I got today after I dropped the men off!” “Pearl rushed up for a kiss and said, “Duncan, I’ve never seen so many shopping bags in one spot. What on earth did you buy today?” Duncan grinned like a cat that caught the mouse. “Our Christmas presents. I done our shoppin’ early to save you havin’ to go out to do it yourself, ‘cause I know how busy you been with the babies.” “But Duncan, how did you know what to get everybody?” “Easy. I got Evening in Paris Cologne for the ladies, and Spice Garden Aftershave sets for all the men in our family. Then I went to the Dollar Depot and got paint-by number sets for all our nephews and nieces. Can’t go wrong, ‘cause it don’t hurt anybody to learn how to paint. And I got a potty chair for Lynette’s little boy, ‘cause he’s goin’ on three now and she needs to take a hint. And see?” Duncan pointed. “I got you a brand new mop and broom set, just ‘cause I love you so much.” “You mean…for Christmas?” Pearl gasped. “Yep. But that’s just the start of it. I also got ya some purty woman’s stuff you ain’t allowed to open till Christmas Day.” “And just look at the piles of food you brought in,” Pearl said, clearly amazed. “You got so much meat I’ll have to freeze some of it.” After they piled all the bags on kitchen counters Duncan started unpacking the goodies. “See? Big red strawberries to mix in baby Amos’ bottle. Flaky Jake Granola. Pepperoni pizza. Ranch dressing. Turnip greens. Ham, chicken, club steaks, T-bones, rib eye steaks, peanut butter, fresh crowder peas and okra. A big juicy watermelon, Twinkies, Popsicles, whipped cream, German monster cheese, whole hog sausage, souse meat, baloney, bread and butter pickles, a lemon ice box pie, peanut brittle ice cream, a big box of coconut donuts, blueberry jelly, real cow butter, mango peach punch, sprouted whole grain bread, Mexican cornbread mix, ten jars of Strained Gourmet Baby Food, a gallon of milk, Silky Sue Bath Tissue…” “Duncan,” Pearl gasped, “how much did y’all just get paid for that last job? This stuff must have cost a fortune! Where in the world did you get the money for all this?” Duncan grinned deviously. “I saved a bundle on the paint and thinned it out a little so it wouldn’t clump. It only took three cans of paint to paint the whole outside of that house.” Hesitantly Pearl asked, “Did the men go buy groceries too after they got off work?” Shrugging, Duncan mumbled, “Ain’t none of my business. Just dropped ‘em all off at their house, went shoppin’, then went home.”

“From what I can see, you cleared a profit off this job,” Pearl said. “I’m sure the men must be glad to have extra money to help their families.” Duncan fumbled with his pockets. “Yeah, I gave each of ‘em $45 this week instead of forty. They won’t know where to spend it all.” Pearl’s mouth dropped. “Honey, don’t you think it’s a little unfair that we have all this stuff to enjoy while your brethren in Christ who helped you with the painting are having a hard time? Why don’t I take some of this extra food to them to help out till y’all get paid again?” Duncan placed protective arms around his stash of goodies. “Over my dead body, Pearl! You leave our food alone! If you can’t trust the Lord to provide for those people, there’s something wrong with your faith.” “God has no hands in this earth but our hands,” Pearl gently admonished. The Word says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens and so fulfill the Law of Christ.” “Now you see here, Pearl! I’m the guy who got a divinity degree, not you. That verse you quoted is Galatians 6:2. Paul also says, just three verses later, in Galatians 6:5 that every man shall bear his own burden. Now if Paul’s gonna contradict himself, I can take my pick of those two verses and apply it to my own life.” “But, Duncan, there’s something about this that doesn’t feel right!” “It IS right, Pearl! When I hired those guys we all agreed that before they got paid, MY operating expenses would have to be paid first! My gas, the wear and tear on my car, my phone bill, my utilities, my…” “But how is your personal food a business operating expense, Duncan?” “Pearl, Pearl,” Duncan shook his head. “Don’t you get it? If I stop eatin’ I stop paintin’, and if I stop paintin’, those other guys wouldn’t even have 45 bucks to gripe about. It’s better than nothin’. Now, the way I see it, it’s all I can do to keep myself fed. Now didn’t you and I agree from the outset, Pearl, that this was the Lord’s business, not just ours?” “Yes, but…” “No two ways about it, Pearl. If it’s the Lord’s business, then the least the Lord can do is take care of everybody else all by Himself, even if He can’t pitch in with the paintin’. I do my part by draggin’ my dead body out of bed every single morning and drivin’ those guys to work, and teachin’ ‘em which end of a brush to use. That’s how I serve the Lord. The least the Lord could do is perform a miracle and bring ‘em money from an unexpected source. You know yourself, Pearl, Jesus said that they same God Who feeds the birds of the air feeds His own people.” “But isn’t this recession hard on those fellows and their families, Duncan?” Pearl asked, worriedly. “Believe me, it’s good for ‘em, Pearl. Someday they’ll all thank me for learnin’ ‘em to live by faith. That’s my ministry, the reason I was put here on this earth. Now hush up and submit and fix my supper. Fry me two big,

juicy steaks and make me a big pile of mashed taters and butter beans to go with ‘em. I’m hungry as a bear.” Pearl sighed and got out the potato peeler. She had no choice but to bury her Christian love and submit. “So, said the angel. “You wanted to teach others to live by faith, eh? Is that why you robbed your workers of their wages back in 1974, when you ran the Splatter Brothers Paint Company in the city of Mudtown, in the state of…” Greedy interrupted, Who’d I ever rob?” “Greedy,” the angel sighed, “you’re supposed to be the big Bible expert around here. Ever read 2 Corinthians 8:13 through 15?” “Huh? What’s that say?” Duncan scratched his head. “That passage teaches that those who are blessed with more than they need should share with their brethren in Christ, and there should be an equality of well-being among believers.” Duncan frowned. “Sounds like a communist plot to me!” “How ‘communist’ does this one sound, Duncan?” Mal.3:5: And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against false swearers, and AGAINST THOSE THAT OPPRESS THE HIRELING IN HIS WAGES, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the LORD of hosts. “Okay, Mr. Bible expert,” said the angel. “Based on the verse I just quoted, how do you suppose God feels about those who oppress the working man by cheating him of his rightful wages?” Duncan scratched his head. “Dunno, all I know is, that’s all I had left to give ‘em after payin’ my expenses. “Hmmm…your expenses,” the angel murmured. “Watch this one. You won’t like it much.” The heavenly video zeroed in on a modest two-story house with a wide front porch. Sheets of rain furiously pounded the home, splashing furiously on the porch’s green floorboards. The swirling wind drove the rain all over the walls and windows. A striped cat yowled to be let in. A black lady in shorts and flip flops snuffed out a cigarette, then went to the screen door and unlocked it. She drawled, “C’mon in, Bitsy. Can’t even make supper in peace without you out here a-carryin’ on. Let’s go. Got some chicken guts for ya.” The cat shook the water out of its fur, then pounced on the woman’s soft white sofa. She rolled up a newspaper and swatted at the cat. “Bad kitty, a-gittin’ your feet all over my new furniture! Hey, what’s this? That ain’t dirt!”

She looked more closely at the green spots, then took a whiff. “It’s paint! Hey, he painted that porch two weeks ago, and it shouldn’t be a-doin’ that! Wonder what the rest of the house looks like!” The angel paused the video and said, “At the time this scene transpired it had been two weeks since you had painted this particular home. Up till that day the weather had stayed dry so no one was any the wiser. But when it did rain, the windows of broke open with a vengeance. Now let’s see what happens next.” A man was chilling out on a toilet reading a newspaper and smoking when he heard an ear-splitting screech: “NESTOR! NESTOR! C’MON OUT HERE A MINUTE!” Nestor hurried to finish up. He grumbled as he headed for the front door. “Wonder if she’s havin’ more of them hot flashes. Oh, well, better see what that woman wants or I’ll catch hell for sure.” “I’m here, Earline,” Nestor said, walking out onto the porch. “What’sa matter now?” “That’s the matter!” Earline wailed. She pointed at the walls, the windows, the porch. They were all speckled and spotted, with large swathes of color missing from the botched paint job. “Greedy,” the angel asked, “what color was the outside of that house before you…ahem! ‘painted’ it?” “Lemon yellow.” “Why did that couple hire you to paint the house? Didn’t they like the old color?” “Oh, I guess they did, but they complained about the paint peelin’ off, since it hadn’t been painted since the day it was built.” “Did you bother to scrape the old paint off first?” “Why bother? The lumps weren’t all that bad, and they wouldn’t’a noticed ‘em anyhow. Them people, they was so poor, anything you did to that old ramshackle house would’a been an improvement.” “Yeah, right,” the angel muttered. “Poor people are worth less than the rich, huh? Is that what they taught you in seminary?” Earline gave her husband an earful. Back in the house she was preaching him a good sermon. “What’d you pay that fool for buyin’ the paint now?” “Just fifty bucks, precious!” Nestor hid behind a chair as Earline threw couch pillows at him. “That man that painted the house was the stupidest crook in the world. He left evidence behind. Out by the trash can I found an ol’ empty paint

bucket in the weeds. It had the store’s name on it: WMD Decorating. And the name of that slop he used is Sheeny Shine Emulsion. Anyhow, I couldn’t read the price tag, so I’m gonna call ‘em up and ask about that right now. Where’s the Yellow Pages?” “What do you mean it was on sale for two bucks a can two weeks ago?” Earline huffed over the phone. “That’s exactly what I mean, ma’am,” the voice on the other end drawled. “We had to move out the old inventory so we put the whole Sheeny Shine line on sale for 70% off.” “But still, the man who painted our place said it was it the best money could buy. Is that so?” Earline demanded. “Ma’am,” the man laughed, “I wouldn’t even paint my doghouse with it. It’s like my kid’s watercolor paints. All pigment with nothing to bind it together. Wouldn’t trust it in this climate, the way it rains all the time.” “What’d that man say his name was!” Earline barked, after she’d slammed the receiver down. “What man, darlin’?” Nestor whimpered. “That white trash hustler that charged you fifty bucks for three cans of runny spitwash that cost two bucks apiece.” Nestor blinked. “Don’t rightly remember, sugar pie. Ah…Greedy, I think that was his name.” Earline carried on like a hen in a hothouse. She towered over Nestor and yelled, “Just like that crap game on Beale Street! They cleaned you out real good, and then somebody finds out they loaded the dice!” “Earline,” moaned Nester, “I ain’t no mind reader. How could I…” “Call ‘em up and ask for our money back!” Earline ordered. “I lost his number,” Nestor said, fearfully. “Honey, please, that guy’s six times my size, and I’m tryin’ to get along good with white folks. Weren’t too long ago black folks couldn’t even get a white man to come fix anything.” “Well, he sure did fix your wagon!” Earline cried. “Everybody’s money is the same color, and he’s an equal opportunity con man. Ain’t no court in the land that would give us our money back ‘cause it’d be our word against his. From now on, Nestor, don’t never trust no more of them church people ever again. I’ll just let the good Lord handle him.” “You were at the top of this lady’s prayer list,” the angel said. “Earline prayed that you’d see the light and repent, but you never did. So the Lord’s forcing you to face those buried sins right now. Now Duncan, consider this: What if Jesus had agreed to build a table out of solid oak for some rich man, and charged that rich man for the fancy wood, then Jesus pulls a fast one behind the rich man’s back and builds the table out of cheap pine wood so He could pocket the difference to spend on Himself?” “That’d be mighty shifty, I guess,” Duncan grudgingly admitted.

“So why did you charge hyper-inflated prices for materials, then go buy the cheapest paint you could and pocket the difference, Duncan?” Duncan grinned stupidly. “Waal, sometimes I didn’t know till the very last minute that the paint store was holdin’ a big sale, and they always told me what a bargain I was gettin’ and what a good job their paint would do on the house. I always did believe in bein’ a good steward of any money the Lord put in my hands.” The angel laughed bitterly. “No, Duncan, it wasn’t the LORD Who put that pilfered money in your grubby hands, so don’t implicate HIM in your crime. It was the gullible people who paid you top dollar to buy the very best who gave you the opportunity to ‘be a good steward’. Half those people could barely read, or even calculate how badly you ripped them off. “Duncan, answer this one. Why did you splatter on your cheap paint as quickly as you could and disappear with people’s money before folks were any the wiser?” “’Cause I ain’t Jesus, and Jesus didn’t live in my day and age where people have gas and electricity bills to pay! “My back was against the wall! Couldn’t help it!” Greedy looked all around for moral support but every face was turned against him. Another vision of the past appeared. An elderly lady was standing in an oldfashioned parlor, sobbing in a younger man’s arms. “There, there, Mama,” the man soothed. “That nasty old storm washed it all off, but didn’t I warn you to come to me first before you hired anybody to paint this old house?” The woman raised her face and moaned, “Oh, Jim, how could I be so stupid? I just know the neighbors are laughing at me!” “Don’t you worry, Mama,” the man said. “I already promised I’d pay somebody else to fix the mess up for you. I don’t mind.” “Thanks so much, son,” the woman sighed. “Just make sure the next painter doesn’t run a church business. After the way that man did us, I’d just as soon trust a rattlesnake as somebody who claims to be a Christian.” “That is utterly shameful and pathetic,” the angel said with a note of disgust. “To think our Holy Savior had His Blessed Name associated with your dirty business! Want to see something even worse?” Duncan saw Brother Wayne’s wife Alice standing in her little trailer kitchen, staring at her fridge. The scene focused on her tired, worried features. Alice sighed and opened to see what was left. The panoramic view closed in on the meager contents of the immaculately clean fridge. Like a lonely sentinel, a big box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda sat on the top shelf. Across from it was a jelly jar that was nearly scraped clean. Down below was a Tupperware container with some unidentifiable substance in it. A gallon milk jug was

nearly empty. A tiny lump of margarine was left, so small Duncan didn’t even think it was worth saving. “Uh…Mr. Angel,” Duncan muttered. “Just curious. What’s in that plastic container?” “Alice got a queasy stomach that morning and couldn’t finish her cornflakes.” “Yuck!” Greedy cried. “The very idea, that anybody’d save soggy cereal to eat later.” “When you have next to nothing, nothing gets wasted, but then again, something’s better than nothing, and you never got that hungry,” the angel replied. “My wife used to get that hungry,” Greedy replied. “But I saved her from all that. She was lucky to get me and she knows it.” “Lucky for her your Uncle Lester died and saved her from having to go out to work when you decided to quit working and go back to school. You never knew how tired your poor wife got sometimes, and I pretty much doubt you cared.” The scene in the trailer resumed. Alice’s two older children ran into the kitchen. “Mama, Mama,” eight-year-old Janey cried, “I want milk!” “Me too!” six-year-old Kathy joined in. “Hold your horses!” Alice huffed. “We don’t have much left, so I’ll split it between you three kids.” Alice drained the milk jug into a big Pyrex measuring cup. “Hmmm…” she said, “just under two cups. So each of you gets two-thirds of a cup. There’ll be no more till the Lord provides some, but I know He will soon.” She put on a brave face. Alice served Janey and Kathy their bit of milk and put the rest away for little Debbie, who was in her room playing with a doll. The angel stared holes through Duncan. “Did you have the faintest idea about the hardship this family was going through?” Duncan shrugged. “Wasn’t none of my business to ask about nobody else’s personal life. How in heck should I know?” “Duncan Greedy,” chided the angel, “you’re supposed to be the big Bible expert around here. What does 1 Corinthians 12: 25 and 26 say?” Greedy rolled his eyes. “Uh…I plum forgot. You tell me.” “Don’t play dumb with me, Duncan Greedy!” the angel scolded. “That passage exhorts members of the Body of Christ to genuinely care about each other’s welfare. If one member of the Body hurts, all the members suffer with it. You felt no distress whatsoever about the poverty in your church, partly caused by your stinginess and greed.”

The girls had barely drained their cups when Wayne walked into his family’s trailer, doing his best to look cheerful. All three of them rushed up for a hug, but Alice got to him first to ask an oft-repeated question. “Have you quit your job yet?” Alice breathed, before he had the chance to greet anyone. “No time to quit, Alice,” Wayne gave her a peck on the cheek. “We’re way too busy.” “But you said you’d get paid today. Can we go get groceries?” “Yay!” the kids jumped up and yelled. “Girls,” Brother Wayne gently ordered, “go play in your room till I say you can come out. I need to speak to your mama alone.” Janey asked ruefully, “Is something the matter, daddy?” “No, darling. Just do as I say and we’ll get supper going in a jiffy after Mama and I get done talking. Run along now.” Brother Wayne drew Alice into the kitchen and whispered, “I had to pay twenty for electricity today so they wouldn’t cut it off. I owe $4.50 for our tithe money, and…” Alice frowned. “That means you only got $45.00 for a whole week! Instead of you paying tithes, the church should be helping us out!” “Well, Alice, we get to park this trailer here on church grounds for free.” “Big deal!” Alice stood frowning, hands on hips. “Alice,” Wayne soothed, “you’ve read Malachi 3. God promises to bless folks who pay their tithe.” “Wayne, I don’t mean to contradict you, but I’ve read other scriptures where God says the tithe is food, and He wants poor people to eat it. It doesn’t say nothing about the tithe being money. But we won’t argue about that now. All I know is the reaper has flown past the plowman and the grasshoppers have cleaned out my cupboard.” “Praise the Lord, Alice, I can’t be a poor man if I’ve got you and all our wonderful girls. Dear, you’d better simmer down and count your blessings.” “Okay, I will count them, Wayne! There’s three tube steaks left in the freezer and two cans of pinto beans on the shelf! That’s all we’ve got for supper tonight!” Wayne grinned. “Goody, so we’ll make beany-weenies!” “There’s just enough for you and the girls,” Alice grumbled. “Y’all go ahead and eat. I’ll just fast.” “Not again you won’t! The doctor said…” “Easy for that doctor to talk, Wayne! He won’t feed us!” “I’m doing the best I can, Alice. Please understand.” “Well then! I’ll have to take in ironing so you can afford to keep your lousy job till the cows come home!” Alice sniffled. “Please, honey,” Wayne pleaded, “Duncan needs my help, and it’s not very nice to quit on him. The Lord’ll deal with him about his stinginess…”

“The day that man repents pigs will fly!” Alice cried. “It’s almost Christmas and we can’t get anything for the girls. We can’t even feed ‘em, so what’ll we do?” “The Bible warns us not to trust in man,” Wayne said, summing up the sad situation. “Let’s just pray for food. It won’t come to us any other way.” “Did YOU have to pray for all that food you brought in, Duncan?” the angel asked, with a note of sarcasm. “Heck no,” Greedy grinned. “Who’d be dumb enough to pray for what they already got the cash to pay for?” “The logic of a man whose heart is corrupted by mammon,” the angel observed. “Jesus said it’s harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a poor one, and why? Because a rich man’s hands are so full he can’t receive anything from the Lord. But woe unto that rich man if he got that way by taking it out of other men’s mouths.” “What’s that gal gripin’ about anyway?” Greedy said, ignoring the angel’s comment. “She don’t look like she’s starvin’.” “Neither did you,” the angel said sullenly. “The Lord knows you never had to fast to make sure your own kids ate.” “Well, those people all lived a long time after that, didn’t they?” Duncan sniffed. “No thanks to you,” the angel said. “You were a student of the Word but not a doer of the Word.” “But Mr. Angel, I earned straight A’s in Grecian, Pig Latin, and pre-and post-exlax Jewish Jargon. Plus I got B’s in Sermon Decomposition, Soul Winning for Dummies and Dispensational Dialysis.” Those credentials failed to impress the stern angel. “But Greedy, despite your exhaustive erudition you never learned the meaning of true faith.” “What’s that?” Duncan said, as if he could care less. “REAL faith manifests itself through real good works, not idle talk. James 2:15 and 16 teaches you that if you see a brother in need, you don’t just say ‘Go your way, be warmed and filled and go in peace’ without first giving that person what he needs to sustain life and health. You failed miserably in your so-called Christian ministry. You studied God’s Word, bragged about understanding it, then failed to apply it. You, Duncan Greedy, boasted of being wise in the scriptures above all other men. But you refused to obey the ONE bedrock commandment upon which every other commandment of God is founded: LOVE ONE ANOTHER. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. Would you have wanted to have your faith tested on $45 dollars a week while your boss withheld your rightful wages while he lived like a king?” Greedy made a face. “Hey, who are you to chew me out and bash me over the head with the Bible? How many years did you go to seminary?”

“None, thank the good Lord for that,” said the angel, “or I would have lost a few I.Q. points and turned out just like you. Now don’t get me off the subject. Why would you even think of grabbing most of the job money for yourself while tossing peanuts to your poor men? What kind of a ‘Christian’ were you, anyhow?” “A hungry one! Now you see here, Mr. Angel, you’ve always had it made up here in heaven, with fruit trees on ever corner. If I went to the supermarket, I had to pay through the nose for a decent peach. Just one! Life on earth was ‘the survival of the fittest’. Every idiot knows that!” The angel snorted. “And the survival of the fattest as well. Didn’t you notice how much weight some of the other brothers were losing while you stuffed yourself with butterscotch cookies and piled on the pounds at their expense?” “Well, my Bible teaches that God’s favorite people will eat the riches of the Gentiles, and His people would delight themselves in fatness” said Greedy. “So I interpreted that as meanin’ I’d gobble up all the goodies before those other clodhoppers could stick their own fork in. Plus, my Bible says that if God loved you, you’d be the head and not the tail. Judgin’ from how good I had it and how bad the other fellers had it, you can guess which one of us was the big cheese and who was the horse’s…” “Enough!” the angel boomed. “Greedy, it may escape your notice, but you’re only a few steps away from the Throne Room of God, and we don’t allow profanity around here. I notice you liked to jerk a lot of Old Testament verses out of their context to make yourself richer than everybody else. But what about Paul’s admonition in Philippians 2:3 for Christians to esteem other believers more than they do themselves? You treated those men like trash, so you broke that commandment, didn’t you?” “As I already said, it was a dog-eat-dog world I lived in!” Duncan barked. You’ve heard about the law of the jungle, haven’t you?” “So you lived by the Law of the Jungle, not the Law of Christ, Who commanded His disciples to ‘Love one another as I have loved you’?” the angel persisted. “I had to!” Greedy yelled. “A man’s gotta eat, hasn’t he? If I’d’a bid any higher on them jobs so I could pay my men more, ain’t nobody would’a hired us!” “To spray watered-down slop on people’s homes? Greedy, don’t talk to me like I’m too dumb to figure out where you’re coming from. Listen, you thieving con artist, would you have wanted your family home treated like a trash dump? Would you have liked for some dirty-dealing fly-by-night crook to lie to you about the quality of his work, do a jackass job, then take the money and run?” Greedy glared but the angel kept it up. “What about Jesus? You told everyone you’d dedicated your company to Him! How do you think Jesus

felt, seeing how you’d ripped off your customers and bilked your brothers of their rightful wages? Men whose souls He died to save?” “Well, that’s His problem, not mine!” Greedy yelled. “I didn’t ask Jesus to come and suffer to save those morons! It ain’t my fault I was put on earth where it’s hard to make a living! Shoot fire! A guy’s gotta make enough to get by!” “You just said it yourself, Greedy. You don’t care that Christ came to save all these other people. What about you? How do you feel about Jesus coming to die for you?” “That ain’t fair askin’ that and you know it!” Greedy snapped. “Why in Sam Hill can’t I keep my stupid thoughts to myself like I could on earth?” “The Bible says there is nothing hidden that shall not be revealed,” the angel said. “Earth is a place where the wicked hide their true motives under cover of darkness, for their deeds are evil. They hate the light and don’t dare approach the light, for the light exposes the thoughts and intents of their darkened heart. There are no shadows in heaven, Greedy. No dirty secrets remain hidden here. There’s no shadowy cracks and crevices where you can hide your true self from the gaze of God.” “But I went to church when I was on earth!” Duncan moaned. The angel rolled his eyes. “I’ve lost count of the number of so-called ‘churchgoers’ which have appeared before God for judgment, pleading their professed holiness because of religious affiliation. The banker who forecloses on poor widows Monday through Friday, that wicked man might also visit a whorehouse on Saturday night before he sings hymns on Sunday. The socalled televangelist who lambastes America for its national sin, then commits adultery with prostitutes at night when he thinks no one’s looking. The preacher who bewails America’s failing families, then divorces and remarries for the fourth time. The deacon who takes tithes out of the mouth of the poor, then gets his share from the pastor and uses that money to take a fancy cruise. The ‘Christian’ landlord who swears how much he loves Jesus and would sacrifice his all for Him, then turns around and evicts fellow Christians who have fallen on hard times and can’t pay the hyper-inflated rent on his decaying tenement. Being in ‘church’ doesn’t make you a faithful saint anymore than a rat hiding in a tin can turns it into a peach.” “Still,” said Greedy, “I’ve got zillions of other reasons why God should let me in heaven. Wanna hear more of ‘em?” “Please spare me that dribble, I’ve heard enough,” said the angel. “I’ve done my utmost to forewarn you of the general tone of the imminent proceedings which are shortly to be conducted against you. As of now, we’ve barely scratched the surface of just ONE chapter of your life. You’re likely to get a much, much more thorough grilling in there than I’ve given you here. There’s just enough time to rehearse the conclusion of your trial. So here goes: Duncan Ethan Greedy, you stand condemned as a liar, a thief, and a

heartless hypocrite worse than any who walked the earth during the days of Jesus. I hereby sentence you...” The dread summons boomed out over the cloudy mist of space: DUNCAN ETHAN GREEDY! COME TO COURT! “Man, do I have to go in there?” Greedy groaned. “Afraid so,” the angel said. “Hurry along now, I’ve got more pleasant duties to fulfill.” “Maybe they meant some other ‘Duncan Ethan Greedy,” Duncan said. “If that’s so, you can’t make me go in there.” The angel was getting tired of his company. “What if proof of identity were to be provided?” “There’s zillions of John Smiths and John Johnsons in this universe,” Greedy said. “So there must be billions of Duncan Greedys. If y’all can prove it’s ME they’re callin’, I’ll go.” “Fair enough,” the angel sighed. “You’ve willingly blinded yourself to every foundational truth about the love of Jesus which God ever tried to teach you. Although you did graduate from cemet…I mean, seminary. You refused to see the true nature of Christ or comprehend the meaning of His love toward ALL His saints. And now you’re deceiving yourself that you are not really here to answer for all you’ve done in your miserable lifetime. Wait…I hear the reverberations of an approaching voice which sends fear through every rebellious creature…

Duncan went. nightmares.

But I’ll spare you the grim outcome so you won’t have END OF GREEDY’S GRAVY TRAIN

Before we say “’Bye y’all”, let’s take a quick dip into the Bible. Duncan Greedy (not his real name, mind you!) bragged about being a Bible expert. But he blew it big-time. Just look at the scriptures he violated: 1. Deut.24:15: At his day thou shalt give him his hire, neither shall the sun go down upon it; for he is poor, and setteth his heart upon it: lest he cry against thee unto the LORD, and it be sin unto thee.***Notice, God doesn’t find fault with the hired laborer for looking forward to his wages and crying out for justice when his boss defrauds him of his pay. Back in Bible days, workmen were paid at the end of each day. In modern times, they generally get paid either at the end of a job when the boss gets paid, or every one or two weeks. That’s long enough to wait on your grocery money. Greedy’s lame excuses didn’t wash with God. The toil of the other men supplied HIM with luxuries while they went without the basics. Greedy thought he was too good to “spread the wealth around”. That’s not “socialism”. That’s basic Christian charity and fair play. The apostle Paul taught an EQUALITY of wellbeing within the Body of Christ. 2 Cor.8:14: For I mean not that other men be eased, and ye burdened:***Greedy was eased by having others work virtually for free so he could get his goodies quicker. Other men and their hungry families bore the burden of hardship caused by his selfishness. Verse 14: But by an EQUALITY, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality:***Paul makes it clear that Greedy’s abundance should have been shared with those who lacked. 15 As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.***Those who “gather much” (get rich) shouldn’t hoard their resources up for themselves while others lack for life’s necessities. Wonder if Greedy ever got taught THESE scriptures in Bible school! 2. Lev.19:13: Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.***Here God equates robbing your neighbor of his rightful wages as THEFT! Not only that, Greedy defrauded his neighbors of a decent paint job, took the money and ran!

Some would say these moral principles are Old Testament Law and since Christians aren’t under the Law of Moses, we can disregard them, even the “spirit of the law” behind them, which is “love thy neighbor” . The following New Testament verses affirm that we ARE required to love our neighbor in our actions, not just in our words: Rom.7:6: But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not [in] the oldness of the letter. Rom.13:9: For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal***Greedy stole from his hungry men and their families***, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if [there be] any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself***Obviously, Greedy loved himself more than anyone else! Greedy stole food money from his hard-working men and their families. No unrepentant thief has any inheritance in God’s Kingdom (I Cor.6:10). James 2:8: If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: James 2:16: What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?***Religious jargon is a bunch of cheap baloney. God isn’t impressed with all talk and no walk. Verse 15: If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, Verse 16: And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?***Greedy wouldn’t part with even ONE cookie, that’s how much he loved Jesus! Verse 17: Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Verse 18: Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works. Verse 19: Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.***Even satan is able to believe in God, but that don’t help him much! Verse 20: But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? James 5:4: Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. Verse 2: Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are motheaten. Verse 3: Your gold and silver is cankered (rotted away); and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days. Verse 4: BEHOLD, THE HIRE (WAGES) OF THE LABOURERS WHO HAVE REAPED DOWN YOUR FIELDS, WHICH IS OF YOU KEPT BACK BY FRAUD,

crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth. Greedy broke God’s Law of Love for the Christian believer: Phil.2:3: Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.***Greedy padded his OWN nest before taking care of his hard-working crew. He did NOT “esteem others better than himself.” Verse 4: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.***If Christians don’t look out for the welfare of other Christians, then who will? The world? Greedy feathered his own nest first and everybody else could go to hell for all he cared. Some Christian! James 5:16: Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.***Greedy refused to repent and make restitution to his offended brethren (or at least express the desire to). He just pretended it never happened and everything was okay. I John 3:16: Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.***Greedy wouldn’t even shell out one lousy quarter to help out the church elder who was broke because of him! That’s how much he loved Jesus! Verse 17: But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?***God’s love never stays where it ain’t wanted. If a nominal Christian refuses to nourish others with the love of God, he’s no better than an empty peanut shell. Verse 18: My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.***Greedy’s religion was just a put-on hot air show, and he was just like the phony Pharisees of Jesus’ day. What about this one? Col.3:23: And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; 24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. 25 But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons. The Splatter Brothers was (allegedly) a company devoted to God. So theoretically, Greedy’s primary goal was to serve Christ by serving his customers. Now if Greedy really did spray-paint people’s homes with cheap,

watered-down slop and make a fat profit off people’s ignorance in the Name of Jesus, that shows exactly how little Greedy valued his walk with the Lord! A final warning from God: I Thes.4:6: That no man go beyond and defraud (cheat) his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.