The Shakespeare Show; Who Wrote Shakespeare?

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN

THE SHAKESPEARE SHOW; A SHORT PLAY FOR 7 ACTORS Announcer 1: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to another exciting round of History Smackdown. Tonight's match-up Announcer 2: More than a match up, a melee! Announcer 1: That's for sure. Tonight's contest is of epic proportions. It's the piece de la resistance. Announcer 2: The crème de la crème. Announcer 1: The Alpha and Omega. Announcer 2: That's right. The one you've all been waiting for: The Battle of the Bard! (Crowd cheers). Announcer 1: And is this crowd fired up! Announcer 2: And with good reason. Tonight's debate will decide once and for all who really wrote the works attributed to William Shakespeare. (Crowd noises - some cheers, some boos. Some "we want Will, we want Will", etc.) Announcer 1: This is a very controversial debate, causing more outcry even than who killed JFK, who's buried in Grant's Tomb, and who really won the 2000 U.S. presidential election. Announcer 2: That old William Shakespeare sure has a strong fan base. Announcer 1: But will it be enough to knock out fierce competitors like Francis Bacon and The Earl of Oxford? Announcer 2: And don't forget that Dark Horse herself - The Dark Lady, Amelia Bassano. (Cheers from the Crowd). As you can hear, support for this talented newcomer is strong. Announcer 1: There have already been some early disqualifications. Let's check in with our Host Apollo who's backstage with the disappointed discards now. Host: I'm standing here with Queen Elizabeth I Elizabeth: They know who I am!

1

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Host: So your Majesty, you're suggesting that you wrote the Shakespeare canon in your spare time, while governing the country, fighting Spain, and exploring the New World? Not bloody likely. Neville: Over here with that microphone, young man. I'm Sir Henry Neville. My friends call me Falstaff and my family once owned a paper that mentioned Shakespeare. Host: Um, thank you, sir but only legitimate candidates are allowed for the contest. Well, people are truly desperate to be part of this contest. I've got one more young woman here in the rejects lounge. Ma'am, your name is? Ann: Ann Whatley. Announcer 1: You don't even exist! Announcer 2: You’re a spelling mistake! You're nowhere! Puff! She’s gone. Host: I think we'd best get on with the main event. (sound of bells being run, the crowd hushes). The rules are simple. I will ask a series of questions. Each candidate will be scored on his or her answers on a scale of one to ten. The candidate with the highest score will be declared winner, gain immortal fame, sit in the Poet’s Chair and be crowned with a wreath of laurels. (Crowds cheer!) The losers will be dragged off to hell. Announcer 1: Banished forever to a dusty microfiche, never to be researched by a grad student ever again (gasps and grumbles from the panel). Host: I will now introduce the candidates. Christopher Marlowe, the author of Dr Faustus ..(he says hello), etc. Earl of Oxford, one of the leading contenders… Countess Mary Sidney, a well known landowner… Sir Francis Bacon, the well known scientist and statesman… Mr William Shagspere, the glover’s son from Stratford on Avon … AND the rank outsider who nobody has ever heard of, the so called Dark Lady, the feminist Jewish poet Amelia Bassano Lanier…. Host: Now, for the first question to Mr. Marlowe: And the question is; Are you a poet. Can you prove it independently from the plays? Marlowe. ‘Sure I’ve written several plays and long poems” (Cheers). Host: 10 points. Now for Oxford. Oxford. “I’ve written a few short poems. But I can’t spell very well. I think I wrote a play as well once with some friends, maybe, but I don’t have a copy.” Host: 6 points. Now Sir Francis Bacon. Bacon. “I’ve written a few poems mostly translations. Nothing famous. I’m not really a poet though I do like making up words. But I did design some of the masques that were performed at Grays Inn”.

2

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Host: 7 points. And what about you William Shakespeare. Shakespeare: ”Some people think I wrote the inscription on my tomb. Blessed be the man who spares these stones and cursed be he that moves my bones. Rather good, no? (expectant noises from the crowd). That’s it.” (crowd is disappointed). Host: 1 point, (boos). Now for Mrs Lanier Amelia. “I wrote a long 1600 line poem Salve Deus under my own name and another 3,000 line poem-play under a pseudonym” . Host: 7 points. And now for the last contestant Countess Mary Sidney Sidney. “I’ve written three or four poems and translated a play. I also translated the Psalms ---with the help of my assistant”. Host: 5 points Host. Next question. The plays show a lot of knowledge of Italy. You have one minute to prove to the studio audience how well you know Italian and Italy”. We will start with you Earl Oxford; Yes I have toured all over Italy. Didn’t like the place. But yes I speak some Italian. Host: 8 points . And you Sir Francis. Bacon; I speak good Italian. Host: 7 points. Mrs Lanier? Amelia “ I speak excellent Italian. My family are Italian so it is my native tongue. Siamo venuto da Venezia ed abbiamo posseduto una casa la. Èche cosa abbiamo parlato nella nostra famiglia. Host; Translation please? Amelia. We came from Venice and owned a house there. Italian is what we spoke in our family”. Host: 10 points. Over to you Countess. Sidney. I have learnt Italian . Host: 7 points. Mr Marlowe? Marlowe; Yes I speak good Italian, but I cant prove it to you. Host: 5 points . And for you William Shagspeare; I admit I don’t speak Italian, but I know the waiter Lucio at my local Italian restaurant and he gives me some words. (Boos.) That's what Samuel Schoenbaum Said, "The Italian in the plays could have been picked up at any local Italian restaurant." (cheers) Amelia: You clown! What about reading Cinthio, Dante, Bandello, Tasso, Di Sommi, Il Cesare, Il Pecorone. You don't do that while ordering pasta. (Cheers) Host: Quiet please, everyone. Mr. Shagspeare, I'm afraid that's zero points. (crowd noises) Announcer 1: Well, the crowd is certainly getting a show tonight. Host. Now a tough one. Question number three. What is your familiarity with the law? How are you able to write plays that have more technical legal terminology than Francis Beaumont, a trained lawyer. We will start with you Sir Francis.

3

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Bacon. “Simple. I was England’s top lawyer. Treasurer of Gray’s Inn and Attorney General. I knew more law than anybody” (Cheers ) Host: 10 points. Mr Marlowe? Marlowe; Now there you’ve got me. I just have an educated man’s knowledge of law.” Host: 1 point. And for you Mr Shagspere? Shagspeare; “I would watch my father once a fortnight when he presided over minor debt cases among the townsfolk in Stratford”. Host: Hmm. 2 points. Mrs Lanier? Amelia; “ I lived for 10 years with Lord Hunsdon who held 3 judgeships. He had his law office in the house. I helped him out with cases all the time. That’s how I learned to conduct my own lawsuits which went on for 10 years and went to the Privy Council”. (cheers) Host: That’s brilliant. That like our Supreme Court. Did you win at the Privy Council? Amelia. Yes I won. (cheers) Host 7 points. And for you Countess? Sidney. “No that’s got me. I have no legal background” (boos). Host: 0 points. Over to you Earl Oxford Oxford; “I studied law at Gray’s Inn” (clapping from audience) Host: 6 points Host Now I’m really going to put one of you under the spotlight. (drumroll, hushed crowd). Mr Marlowe, I have here evidence that some of your lines from other plays and writing in your style appeared in King John and in Titus Andronicus. But then the so-called Marlowe hand stopped, around 1593, though the plays were being written until 1611. What is your explanation. Did you write these early plays? If so why did you stop? (Silence) Marlowe.; “Well, I admit it I helped someone write them, in fact, I trained that someone to be a playwright. Someone with whom I was having an affair. Someone who is on this very panel! (Gasps!) (Sound of a screeching) Announcer 1: Ladies and Gentlemen at home, you'll never believe this. Announcer 2: I'm not sure I do and I just saw it. Announcer 1: Christopher Marlowe was just dragged out by the secret police of Queen Elizabeth the First. Announcer 2: I understand she was rejected from the panel, but this is ridiculous! Announcer 1: I have a feeling there was a darker reason than that. Host: My Lords Ladies and Gentlemen, Silence, please! Panelists, are you ready to continue? (reactions) Well, which one of you was it? Marlowe was just about to tell us. Was it you he was working with Oxford? (reaction) Was it you, Will? (reaction) He was bi-sexual, so he could have been sleeping with any of you? How about you Sir Francis,

4

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN you are gay I believe. Or what about you two ladies? Which of you will admit to having an affair with Mr Marlowe?....Nobody? Well, it appears we must go on unsatisfied. Host. My next question is about music. The author of the plays had immense musical knowledge more than any other playwright. So tell me about your musical background. Countess you go first. Sidney, “I organized an arts and culture center in my home and I had a set of virginals at home and I played the violin” Host: 4 points. Earl of Oxford how about you? Oxford; “I also organized an arts and culture centre in my home and I was well known for my interest in three point harmony. John Farmer said that whereas some make music their recreation, I made it my profession”. Host: 5 points. Mrs. Lanier? Amelia; “I grew up with expert musicians all around. My family were the court recorder troupe and our relatives were the court violin troupe. Music was the family business.” (cheers) Host: 10 points. And how about you, Sir Francis? Bacon; “I have written about music. Dancing to song, is a thing of great state and pleasure. I understand it, that the song be in choir, placed aloft, and accompanied with some broken music; and the ditty fitted to the device. Acting in song, especially in dialogues, has an extreme good grace. Several choirs, placed one over against another, and taking the voice by catches, anthem-wise, give great pleasure.” (sound of crickets, if possible) Host: Hmm. That’s a bit theoretical. Very well, 2 points. And now for you William, you are trailing in last place, so this had better be good. Tell the audience how you were able to write plays that were more musical than any others in the country. Shagspeare; “I was too busy making money to have the luxury to learn music. But God inspired me. It is my natural genius.” (boos) Host: 0 points. Take him away. SD Bell noise, goes dark. Figures come in and take Mr Shagspeare away. Host : So we are now down to only four serious contestants. My next question is about falconry. In The Taming of the Shrew, the woman Kate is treated like a falcon. The plays show unusual interest in falconry, not only from the point of view of a lord who goes out hunting, but from the technical viewpoint of the falconers who look after the birds. You have one minute. We will start with you Sir Francis. Bacon. “As Lord of St Albans I had country estates and went hunting with falcons. So did everyone in the nobility” Host: 6 points. Countess? Sidney. “As Countess of Pembroke and owner of a 22,000 acre estate in Wiltshire I agree. Everyone practiced falconry”. Host; 6 points. Oxford?

5

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Oxford. “As the Earl of Oxford I agree with my esteemed colleagues. We all went out hunting.” Host: 6 points. And last for you Mrs. Lanier. Unlike some of the other panelists you were not born into a noble family. Amelia. “ No, although I was adopted by a countess at age 7. But that is not how I learnt about falcons. As I stated earlier, I lived with Lord Hunsdon in Somerset House, next door to the Queen’s falconries in Charing Cross mews. He was the Royal Falconer for 30 years. Then I married a man, of French ancestry, called Lanier Announcer 1: The French for falcon. Amelia: Yes, and literally became Mrs Falcon. So that is what falcons mean to me.” Host: 10 points Host. Well we are making progress. My next question is about the Bible. The plays use 14 different translations of and 3000 quotations from the Bible. So tell me about your expertise in the Bible. Mary Sidney you go first. Sidney; “I am known for being a very religious Christian. I produced a translation of the Psalms”. Host. Very good 10 points. Oxford? Oxford. My copy of the Bible is quite well known as someone did a doctoral thesis on it. It is a 1570 Geneva Bible decorated with my coat of arms. In it I marked 1000 passages and about 200 of them appear again in the plays… Sidney (interrupts) “That still means that out of the 2000 passages used in the plays you mention only 10%. And you can barely spell. You know nothing about Biblical translation” Host. Quiet please Countess. Stop harassing the other candidates. 7 points to you Earl . Now you Sir Francis. Bacon; I may be one of the first modern scientists who developed the experimental method but I still believe in the Bible. The volume of the Scriptures, is laid before us to reveal the will of God. No man upon a weak conceit of sobriety or an ill-applied moderation think or maintain, that a man can search too far, or be too well studied in the Book of God's Word. (cheers) Host; That is lawyer speak. Do you have any expertise in the Bible Sir Francis? No? Bacon: No. (gasps from the crowd). Host: 0 points. Mrs. Lanier, back to you. Amelia; “I was brought up by the Willoughbies who had been educated by Coverdale, the Bible translator, and my book Salve Deus is the first feminist critique of the Gospels. Host. OK. 9 points. Host Now another difficult question, but we have to face it. The plays kept being produced up to around 1611 and then in 1622 for the First Folio very substantial revisions were made to many of the plays, like 163 extra lines added to Othello. Announcer 2: (whispers) This is the question we've all been waiting for. Host: If you are the real author you have to be alive around 1622 to make those changes. So tell me. When did you die?

6

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Amelia; 1645. Host; 10 points Bacon; 1626. Host; 10 points to Sir Francis. How about you Countess? Sidney. 25 September 1621. I could have just done it. Host; Not quite. You died a year too early. Oh very well, 10 points. And for you Earl of Oxford. When did you die? Oxford; I hate to say it but…..1604 (screeching as figures come and remove the Earl of Oxford) Host. So now we are down to three contestants. I want to go back to something that happened earlier. Did you have sex with Christopher Marlowe? Did he teach you the craft of playwrighting? Countess? Sidney; “Oh, all right. I admit it. Marlowe was my lover when we were very young. He wrote a dedication to me and I was the blonde Venus in his poem Venus and Adonis.” Host; 10 points. And you Sir Francis? (silence) Well, Sir Francis? Bacon; “I, um, take the 5th Amendment. I refuse to answer in case it may tend to incriminate me, homosexuality being illegal and all that." (Chorus of ooos.) Host; 5 points. And that leaves you Amelia Lanier. Did you have an affair with Mr Marlowe? Amelia; “I….. admit it also. We met when he was a theology student and he taught me the playwright’s craft. But he was very problematic and we broke up. I was devastated; I cried for years. I wrote about it in A Lover’s Complaint.” Host; 10 points. Well we are now down to only 3 contestants and have to separate them out somehow. Host; So let me ask another hard question. The plays contain some passages written in Hebrew and others in which the sentences are written to have one meaning in English and another in Hebrew. So tell me, did you speak Hebrew and how did you learn it? Sir Francis? Bacon; “I learnt some Hebrew at University”. Host; OK 9 points. Amelia? Amelia;”That is just book learning. My family were Marranos, hidden Jews. We spoke Hebrew at home, and I use several Hebrew words in my book Salve Deus which refers to the God of the Jews.” Host; 10 points. Countess how about you? Sidney. “ Well I don’t actually speak Hebrew, but my Psalm translations were made in part direct from the Hebrew by my assistant.” Host: That’s interesting. These are the same Psalm translations that a few minutes ago earned you 10 points for your knowledge of the Bible. Now you are admitting you didn’t do them. So who did? Who was your assistant? Amelia: (clears throat) Sidney: (quietly) It was Amelia. Host: What was that?

7

COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN Sidney: (louder) I said, it was Amelia! She did it. (crowd goes wild) Announcer 2: Well, this is an exciting turn of events! Mary Sidney's fans must be crushed. Host: So it was you Mrs. Lanier. That is how you knew each other. You were the person who wrote those rare words in the Psalm translations that later appeared only in the plays of Shakespeare. OK, 10 points deducted from Mary Sidney go to Amelia, Bassano, Lanier. (crowd cheers). (Darkness and a loud harsh noise as figures come and remove Mary Sidney) Host. So we now just have two contestants left in the game. How are we going to find out which one of them wrote the works of Shakespeare? Who is going to win the priceless wreath of laurels, the poets crown? In the lead we have Amelia Bassano with 93 points, followed by Sir Francis who still has a sporting chance with 56 points. There are many people out there supporting you Sir Francis. Up to now you have been the leading alternative candidate---but now overtaken by this new dark horse, the Dark Lady. All will hang on our last question. Are you ready? Now for our last question. Listen carefully. The author of the plays somehow learnt skills in sonnet writing. They also had a deep knowledge of silkweaving, that is referred to in several plays---even though it was extremely rare. And the playwright also had some knowledge of Welsh, for instance in Henry IVth. The simplest explanation of how the author learnt this knowledge is through knowing a family of Welsh Puritans called the Vaughans, who had a silk-weaving workshop. Their daughter Anne was the inventor of the sonnet sequence and one of the four most educated women in the country. Her son Henry wrote the longest sonnet sequence in English. So, for the final question, tell the audience how did you know the Vaughans? Amelia; “Very simple. They were my next door neighbours when I was growing up in Spitalfields and best friends with my parents. Stephen Vaughan was even the Overseer of my mother’s will.” (Cheers) Host; 10 points. Can you beat that Sir Francis? Bacon; “ Sorry. You got me on this one. I didn’t know the Vaughans and I know nothing of silk weaving…” Host: O points (screeching noise, boos) Host; “Amelia Bassano you have 103 points you are our winner.” (Clapping, cheers) “ I now crown you with the Poets crown so that you will be recognized for the rest of history as the true Author of the plays of William Shakespeare”. Two large swans appear in the air and circle around her head. The audience throw flower petals onto the stage. The other candidates begin dancing a jig around her. Cheers. The parts were played as follows……

8