The Pineapple Story, Edited

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Someonehadstoren^,^.{r*l;!o7;!^rr&#ir,r}.*-^,*n,,rYorryingthat the crrrnching noise in his ears was not a tearby jackhammer, but his teeth grinding in fury.

""F

3*g.ven more worrying was that his heart was not where he had ''" seerLit last. It wa^ -^+ thumprng cheerfully away in his chest

, Jt

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w

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a,chaing{-pp,beFr cooJer

t)'* i "tl

urul

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was that he was now stnfnping down the street at 3 AM on a Nfednesday in combat

ot.!o!a

dg

put ofKrcwn

;;ffi ;;: #^r ,t-",

h"frS/

.-

.*actly where to start looking. He charged toward the

even shifrier than therogle hg cpllpd home,- whoever had taken his heart

hnd bedr known what they

-

ffiinside

ke a"lubt-""4n#"n, refriseraror in his cellar-l#^k*r -"or.E#"frnK

f'r?..1lil'tx" hw P^ffi'

; tP

U;i-;.:i'"''J*'l'\"\ *& *^,

was nothing unusuaf '$(/hu, -uS-,r.rr])ual

that it was nol happily,floanqg in its mayonnaise iar 'p;[r'-1

^' I G{".4 * '" Y[f'4'U*ft{dinary

(\f

ffiJlrat

I

systems he had around

-.r. ao1qffi #"r%^;f;""

or trip the myriad security

r^or^un&nfk*1,

i> *ft>)

bteal-rng. e.

s*€mp€d on down the street

{rewspapers on park benches,

of his heart to gateful

a

*"qii*ff

plg.orrJ:W"few

very messy game of kickba$ Drunks every

time.

m

thinSj Those bums, feeding bits

bites themselvey Small chd&en, playing

in abat,using it as a dartboard

to

in.

bother with the door handie*re knew it was

a

and hitting a bullseye

l/ (-/ .///r)

and televisions with the screens kicked

He didn't

sorts of horrible

locked.$

r'V

instead simpiy

threw himself at the door, banging and kicking and yelling at the top of his lungs and making* as

much of a God-awful racket as was humanly possible./Didn't particulady like

liked taising a racket, especially on a night as apparently dangerous as this ope,

/kl:-+*t

ty;::rl

/

ol)/J

sometimes there was simply no subtle way of going about p.rsinesslSrif-tti.qb"

necessary.

"MELVIN!"

he bellowed, hammering on the door.

witl die iryou don't get your

ass

out

"6onejt t:efor;''jll'::r

J herqrigb*$ie.-" o '/:'

*U

31'f"1, t"\t?Y * I

fT,),*h'/l' tt (i/uyv

"For God's sake,Ztlch, shut your damn howler, do you wanfla wake up the whole street?!"

"I will if you don't open this door, I'll

scream to high heaven about a{ ;hat 'sensidve

merchandise'you've got sitting in the back room

, just shut up

-

and then

snortftffi

or..trYou really

in the name of all that's good and holy!" The door flew open, and

Zilch found himself dragged bodily inside by the fiont of his pajama shirt. "Now. What in

gave a dismissive jetk of his head and took a deep breath, or rather went through the

motions of breathing. No lungs inflated inside his ribcage, but still, the ritual helped calm

him down. He smoothed his rumpled clothes and mussed black hair, and reverted to a cool norm. "Now. I couldn't sleep tonight. I went downstairs for some pineapple and horse

tranquilizet-" "Horse ftanks?!"

tnlg

v

J

_,[t

I /,.

h,rt :f'5

smile, and picked absently at a piece of duct tape sttetched across his forehead. "Anyway. Since I was up,

I checked to make

J,'#'v

sure everything was... present and accounted for. My

heart was missing. Gone. Everything else is intact made sure - just the heart was missing.

-

liver, lungs, spleen, both intestines,

I

w

I certainly did not move it from its secure place. I

would never allow anyone access to that room, much less that.. . container. Nobody has been

in or out - except that, cleady, they have. Someone has stolen my heart, Melvin, and I

u/ant to know who." "So why the hell come here and bother me in the middle of the night?" The greasy, balding man grumped, tying the belt of his bathrobe a litde tighter.

"I

dunno where your stupid heart

is." 'qWell n

ntegesn2tg,pec

t

7r llc /r*la,n p"l6,*r"rpVac€.

have had a direct hand in my missing organ

you'te tryi"g to be too careful

-

keep it. So why don't you make

- tn fact,I'm sure you did. You lied before,

everyone knows

it much, much

I have aheatt, they just don't know

iVlelvin shrugged his round bemused walrus.

"f

that

/

,

/

dunno what to tell ya, Ztlcb,- I ain't seen the damn thing ever before,

asaid..'j

-

bgdf

4/*'h^fu*.1* - {hr7 .s anl hcTc y'.2*1''fp,,7 shoulders #i*r th. elp.ression furd on tfe faye of , '- J "t\{g/glrt

tb"

,'

could think

it

easier on both of us, and just tell me where

is. so I can go home, eat my pineapple and hg:seyanqtt'iliz.ercgnd go to

I

where

, there is

y in hell you

- unless you had very specific dealings with it. It's over, Mel why are you

I

sri,,rying,ohide?,,

"I

S^3) I JLt,Jt htY:!:l:'b+-+,b"'aaL "*r\f}'

told you akeady{I dunno nothin'about no heart or who wants to have sex with it-"

"Oh my God,",7rlch

He feit hke taking I

and ";,t;x+"i" vQ,*

cann ot be ha

somebody.

i+u

p6y@

Melvin. I'm going to give you one last chance, and then I'm really goirg to be cranky."

ones that came from Melvin.

ThehappyoIangethingthatbounceddownthestreetwaSnot,infact,@L with rather badly-dyed orange

a young man

"@U"t

hnd a penchant for splashing

ugh puddles and piaying hopscotch on grids that only existed

@*barelv

managed to stop before

in the sidewalk in his

smackingflcgfrst into

d-"-1.-t\

also miraculously avoided dropping the small plastic-wrapped packag{h{cutned,and played hackey-sack with at tandom intervals.

saw the tall, sharp

-

and frankly scary

-

figure inside. "Oh, you're not Mel. Is he around herc

somewhere?"

Zrlch's head whigped arowrd to an ansle@fittins

tt5

possessed childl

t,t',..c,4'of a human. He

and what was likely bone appeafal)ce.

-

fpr an qwl

or

L1,P$r!..forr-5

-ta'

didn't seem.rnuch oerrufbed,* the crackins of ioints

he was, however, quite'

I

"He's * indisposed at the moment!" Zilch growled through cienched teeth, and made an odd squifming movement. He hadn't tumed all the way around, and seemed to be fighting to keep his back to the boy, and to keep somethrng still

thlt was hidden behind

the shop's sale

/l^Lrr{ *'i't*S' V

counter.

P:J"V

"Oh. Okay." The young man ftown"ilbut brightened almost immediately damper on his spirits fot long. '{Well,

-

nothing put

a

if you see him, tell him that I had a real problem

getting dris thingy to work." He waved the small package right gg$er Zrlc$s nose. TlTe faint

wall*t*-5q^' ,fl.1 4 IY smell of formaldehyde was familiar, but Zilch couldn't4d'wny'nele.6guz"A.ft from or

why it would be

importan{F-t tl

name's Finn, by the way, short for Finneus, call me Frnny

if

you want, what's yours?" He said all of this very fast.

"My flame's 'get the fuck out of here'l" Zilch snaded, and smacked at whatever it was behind

busy!" "Really? \X&at are you doing? Is

it fun?"

"No! It's none of yout-"

"AAAAAGH!" there was a God-awfrrl SHHLLICK-ing noisg, qnd Vetvin suddenly appeared from behind the counter

-

coveted in blood,

?ltubv

gJa;;dv*hat

looked like a broken-

th at the blood and innards covering and the gaping, blood-gushing hoie that had suddenly appeared in Zilch's stomach.

A'r

Melvin screamed too, simply because it seemed the right thing to do after having stuck inside another mafl's chest cavity.

e#s

head

flhere $/as a small explosion outside, but nobody paid that afiy mind.)

holding his head underwater for a while... so to speak. That's

"All right." ZWWI.

fJ

|

: ;';{-il] 6"4fit fv *'

Finny w r*sr' Tmmqh" noisesT ' u rr I) wiqeled " and " made,scard little',1,'9.'

?,1;'.^"tf;'Tff

a11."

tt | -

"I'm goir{ tolet go of your"mouth. Nobody

is going to hurt you.

But if you scream, you'Il find yourself in the same place Bloody Mary here just came out of."

He slowly let go of Finn's face (who, to his credit, did not screech

{**himself),

and

glated down at him. "Now. nflhat do you say?"

"... You're bleeding on me."

"7;):filt;Trr7:h @*ff

t"r"Y"d

held his skin back together, pulled up on a small metal tabv666s>

zipped himseif un like a trlood-drenched r^7ncoat.

lr[* S4 ,[.*fi*,

r*o Ju.\r'lt.

"Now then." He said

with a forced, tight smile/ .t"ndt g!ryl andXhooting a shaqp\@-nce back at the coweling Melvin. "Now that we're all propetly hotrified,

t'/ow

about me getting my... desired item

back?"

"Hey! Wait a second!"

Fi*y

ieaped up and bounced on the spot.

"I've got something for

Melvin too, gotta fetum it or maybe he can fix it, it's not working and I dunno what's wrong

with -"

..Listen,kid.Youcanfetu1nyoursub_parmerchandise|ateL,'Zi1ch@ tumed his back to Finn. "I've got business with him, so you iust scamper right along there.'

Iti*"-.

,.-

Mel. Old pal. I really don't feel like sticking your heacldvhete the sun never sfilnes

again."

-y

\

"Ooh! Ooh!" Finny was doing a little dance in place, raising his hand like an excited child in

schogl-'N4t

^frM#;.#, ? secol

#pe:kk^r

"Come on, if you let me go frst, I'll shut up and leave you alone, I promise!"

Zilch consideted. "That's the only thing that'll get you to shut your face and leave, is it?"

'xep.{rayo-u ulr"u4yffi-h/w loud r\

{urclvsP{Yl

t

}tyet"

'qVell, I could just kill yJu right now and be done with it."

rhe completely empry The cash register

\i*

fi."-{1s*t' sqtlpak t'f::hFinfy 1':* 1o'1 t.1:5**t.4cJchba ' hqd

[ ."plod@ed

around-

wnngmg

his hands and

"Ohmigod! I'm so sorry ot

-

-

that happens,-when I get scared or mad or happy or sexy-feeling

anything, really! Things blow up

-"

"That was YOU?!" ZtTch dema il

fi;;Veal"t... I

mean

-

yeah! And

-

and

lL

I'll dfit

ryL=

again,

"Okay, gteatl" Finny

on his heels, hands on his hips.

"You should go get him, you know his house better thafl me." *W'hat the hell d'you mean, he's right.

.." Ztfch fumed

around and frowned.

block wasn't just sleepy, it was dead. Melvin was gone, and so was his heart. His hands balled into fistsradhe was looking for a suitable target for his cold rage and

|

. f L | +/ 0

A!^^,\,-1""(f11 gowing panic when Finny zipped

"n

o",ltlr*;J-"st

foftunate thatzrtch

remembered the explosive effect an attack could have on the young man, and buried his anger and feat in a dark cornet of his brain. Hurting him wasn't something he wanted to do anyw^y.

"Aww! Now I'li have to wait until tomoffow to give this back to |rm!'i He pulledlthe paper

wrappedpackageoutofhispocketagilnatd'h^pp.n{M;th,#'|:k.phying with it anyway." Zilch grunted miserably, and wondered what felony andf or sex act was being performed on his heart at that momeflt.

'Teah, it's gotta be broken or something." Finny was holding the obiect up to his eye and tunring it atound. "It's supposed to grant wishes, Melvin said! And I wished for everything

I

could think of

I

-

a sandwich, to be king

of the world, to not make things explode whenever

and staredll"Finneus. That... belongs to me."

"Huh?" Finny blinked. "That in your hand. That's came ftorq nearly

t\rrrt

- my heatt!" Zilch was almost smiling now, a real smile, one that

meltipgiqto a puddle of telief. But the smile immediately fuoze and turned

b tffi?

to accusing stEel. "It was you."

\-

"No, I ptomiselfpome on, you think I could sneak in any'vrhere? It must've been somebody else,

I dunno who!

Stealing's bad,

I di.dn't know it was stolen! I was just supposed to deliver

it to the buyer. But... I got curious, Mel said it granted wishes and

-

I wanted to

see

if it

wotked! And then I couldn't take a broken heart to the buyer guy! It wouldn't be right."

"Fine. Give it back."

uffy'7

"But

- I'il get in trouble! The buyer-"

'qMon't^T/ant it anp,l'a|'. The thrng floqsn't gr3nt wishes 1 and if's

NQT

ag aphrodipiac, that's

dfpw42\Wx +A lL& lrgo*+ ,wY 4c&ftPrry^+hornfuingl[All it does is keep uV., so] speak. And don't riotru angrv bYvers. d.

^Og

Anyone gives you any trouble, I'll give some to them."

"Oh. Okay!" Finneus gladly handed it over to Ztlch,who immediately unzipped his chest again and popped the thing in.

hard could that

"I

t

can always find another wish-gtanting,

lt' *4,), 1k5

be?"

F1

sexyhef.How

t

,

',ffi",n:",W$"L rI-Yrni"gY"p#e hr[

Zilch was about to land a scathing blow on pinni#elf-erVk{Ul,

The open, honest desire to please in those big eyes, the apparently boundless optimism so -'Heh. f,llcn and rus alien to Ztlch aren his woncl world ol of nafo hatd deaxng dealing and*s$er lifp. "Heh. right. shouldn't Shouldn't be fiou'te flght. "na "topt .t ilT.

*,qfu"ifu1 lla,-ilJ d R""-*

nlo-.ffi ^r ^,41r" -,F,pR-

,oo roo hard,, hard.,,""

n

\

'lrhere here *was al{ment of ^, ^

,ft"Uqf5e. Then(Finnbdur\)aW^,fl shlt wal own rf*,/t/tNtr'^/^#,/"\s,&t fown

"'K6illfm

hungry,[.,a rt."p'y,^ndf/probably *rr,r

({.d,b,\, /ht y:artp.V

stvevf,vvot,'

\

I/-

rhe srreer the s rreer

rofro-.,Jo. elad I could

CN.--/c,t'..t-,rrl I

"Mm. Thank you. More dran you Sn efer know." Zilch said. and tvned ay/ay. d started to hop-skip awayrwAdn Zilcbmade a sort

"See you atou

throat-clearing

"That wasn't

a word or

ise

a

of

cougff\Bless you."

@rrrffiy

.

How do vou feel about

pineapple and horse

Finny grinned and hurdried back over. "Tl:'at sounds great! Waiq did you say horse...?" v

'Yes, it's for me. This way." As they walked, Finn nudgedZtlch in the ribs. "Wanna know something funny? One of my wishes was

fot a pineapple sandwich, heee!"

Zilch shook his head. "How someone like you has managed to stay alive in this place rs a