The Nationals Enquirer - Final

NATIONALS ENQUIRER “Enquiring Swimmers Want to Know”

AUGUST 19, 2008 I declare the 2008 USMS LC Nationals closed and, in accordance with tradition, I call upon the not-so-young of the world to assemble one year from now at Indianapolis to celebrate with us there the 2009 USMS LC Nationals!

Thank-you OMS; this has been the most splendiforous LC Masters Nationals ever!

See you in Indy!

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AUGUST 19, 2008

“The Suit” of Choice at 2008 USMS LC Nationals?

Fish out of Water

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AUGUST 19, 2008

IS THE BABY A PROP? MOTHERS SWIM MASTERS!

On assignment at the Olympic Trials in Omaha, we applauded Dara Torres’ remarkable comeback, but when we saw her lugging that darn Baby around on her hip for the 11th interview or so, and even worse, when we saw the Baby carted away by a handler after the second medal ceremony, we began to wonder if the baby was really legit. We figured some media smartie came up with the idea that the Baby is gonna create photo opportunities for Mom and prep the audience to be receptive for whatever Mom can pull off in the pool. But still, we figured enquiring swimmers would want to know if the Baby is all it’s cracked up to be. We thought we should run this idea up the flagpole here at the Nationals Enquirer: The Baby is probably a member of the Screen Actors Guild, and has her own agenda in some of these medal ceremonies. The Baby has her own career to worry about. The Baby probably has an agent already-- and maybe something worse. We put together a rough cut of the cover, with a small picture of the Baby down in the corner and our usual suggestive call out. Just as we were gonna run with it, we got a call from the Baby’s mouthpiece, one Marty Schlemiel, Esq. of the Century City office of a very influential law firm. He told us to kill the story if we didn’t want to show cause in Superior Court in the morning. Crap! The Baby wasn’t happy with our investigative work, Marty said, “She isn’t happy with you guys at all.” So we killed the story. But we thought our readers would like to hear about some other Babies that are the real deal. These Babies are the kids of Claudia Poll and Sara Nelson (nee Quan). We personally met these babies behind the blocks, and we cleared the stories with their Moms before we developed the photos. And just to be sure the Babies wouldn’t have Marty call us back on the carpet, we got the babies to sign releases. (By the way, Claudia and Sara took gold and bronze, respectively, in the Women’s 35-39 400 M Freestyle)

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A Knack for Being in the Right Place at the Right Time In a stroke of luck, Nationals Enquirer co-editor Robin Parisi managed to get herself on a relay team with two world record setters and a two-time Ironman World Championships finisher (who also seems to be a pretty good sprint breaststroker). The upshot: a world record for Oregon Masters Swimming in the Women’s 200-240 Medley Relay. Editor Parisi’s primary contribution? Her age – at 54, she put the group over the top and achieved the 200 year milestone. Her relay teammates were so far ahead of world record pace by the 150 mark that Parisi, swimming freestyle, could have completed the layout on this page, swum her leg, and still broken the record.

(l-r) Karen Andrus-Hughes (51, WR 50-54 100 Back), Arlene Delmage (46, WR 45-49 100 Fly), Co-editor Parisi (54, excellent jumping-in-front- of-parade skills), Becky Obletz (49, 2-time finisher Ironman World Championships)

Masters Nationals in the News Although he didn’t attend a single day of the meet, Jeff Commings did a great job of summarizing the daily goings-on here in Oregon for Swimming World Magazine (www.swimmingworldmagazine.com). Jeff’s reports read as if he were actually here, capturing more than just times and records, and making our four days in Oregon sound a lot more exciting than the meet going on simultaneously in Beijing. Check out Jeff’s daily summaries to find out more about the 86 world and national records that were broken during the meet, making the performances here as sizzling as the 100-plus degree weather. This publication (if you want to call it that) is not the official, or any, communication of USMS, OMS, Mt. Hood Community College, or any other responsible organization, nor is it a communication attributable to the Meet Directors, who are men of few words (but mighty deeds in most situations). This publication is intended solely as entertainment by athletes, for athletes. The opinions expressed by the editors and contributors are entirely their own, God help them. Other editions available at www.lcnationals.2008.net

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AUGUST 19, 2008

600+ meals a day? Piece of cake!

Grilled salmon, omelets, fresh Oregon berries; who was in charge of hospitality?

Did you say deep tissue “torture” or “massage”?

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NATIONALS ENQUIRER Another day, another bribe.

Find videos of your races at www.nwgamefilms.com

Hey guys! This lane’s empty!

I wish I’d worn my suit from EQswimwear.com!

AUGUST 19, 2008

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AUGUST 19, 2008

I’m going to DQ the Oregon relays for delay of meet and utter chaos in handing out relay cards!

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NATIONALS ENQUIRER I would have kicked your butt in the 200 breaststroke.

AUGUST 19, 2008 Pussy. You didn’t even enter the meet.

What happened with that 1500 fly I heard about – did your BlueSeventy spring a leak?

THANKS MASTERS SWIMMERS FOR COMING TO OREGON! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!