The End Times Diary 2008
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5IF &OE5JNFT The %JBSZ End Times Diary 2008
This diary belongs to: NAME: ADDRESS:
PHONE:
E-MAIL:
When the Rapture comes, please contact: Name: Contact details:
*BO.BMLJF
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The End Times Diary 2008 This diary belongs to: NAME: ADDRESS:
PHONE:
E-MAIL:
When the Rapture comes, please contact: Name: Contact details:
The End Times Diary 2008 by Ian Malkie Additional Contributors Hannah Hollingworth Qoot Brian McGee Toby Schwartz Copyright Tom Alexander 2007 Cover illustration © iStockphoto / Tomasz Rzymkiewicz
WAYW002 www.waywardpress.co.uk FOR MATTHEW The original soothsayer
Introduction Welcome to The End Times Diary 2008 – a revelatory day-to-day planner for the year ahead. Aimed at the fundamentalist Christian who knows that the world is coming to an end, this book will help you prepare for the apocalypse, the rapture and the eventual return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For those of you unfamiliar with Biblical prophesy, we thought it wise to produce this little primer to help you understand exactly what it is that we’re all facing. Be under no illusions – the end is indeed nigh. Rather than fearing the End of Days, however, you should embrace the change as it will eventually lead to the second coming of the Messiah. WHAT ARE THE END TIMES? The term ‘End Times’ refers to a sequence of events prophesied in the book of Revelation. In general terms, it deals with the end of the world, fall of humanity and the rule of Satan over the earth. SOUNDS BAD! Yes and no. Bad in the sense that life as we know it will become unimaginable torment, but good in the sense that it will lead to the return of Jesus Christ in order to guide his people to salvation. SO – GOOD IF YOU’RE A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN, BUT BAD FOR EVERYONE ELSE? Exactly. So now’s the time to get yourself into church! Don’t put it off! You don’t want to be left behind when the Rapture comes! THE RAPTURE? WHAT’S THAT? The Rapture is the blessed event whereby God brings up all the true believers into Heaven. This isn’t some theoretical flight of the soul – our bodies will be literally plucked up off the earth and lifted up to the Kingdom of God. KIND OF LIKE THE TELEPORTER IN ‘STAR TREK’? Yes. Although that kind of flippant attitude isn’t very helpful.
SO WHEN DO THE END TIMES BEGIN? Well, unfortunately we don’t have the exact date, but all the signs are that it’s coming soon. You only need to look at the state of the world to realise that things are getting worse – Godlessness all around, war, famine, atheism and the intrusion of autocratic government. Rather than let people fend for themselves, we’ve created this diary. Inside you’ll find all sorts of activities, advice and warnings about how to survive the End Times. WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR? As well as the weekly activities, you should look out for these icons on specific days. These Hot-Spots indicate that significant events may well take place and that you should be extra-vigilant.
ST
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The Beware The Beast warns you to be aware of Satanic activity. These days have been calculated using a complex numerological process and are scientifically predicted to have a high level of demonic activity. Be on your guard whenever you see this symbol. The Possible Departure symbol indicates a date that could very well be the start of The Rapture. While none of us knows exactly when it will happen, it’s just possible it could be on one of these days, so make sure you’re prepared. The Birthday icon marks the birth date of a significant figure connected to the End Times. While this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, it’s a good reminder to say a prayer, send a card or do nothing at all.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO PREVENT THIS ALL FROM HAPPENING? No. And why would you want to? The End Times is a glorious event that will be the redemption of the righteous. Stupid people will argue that caring for the environment, changing our political processes and working to end war will help mankind, but we know that the only path to salvation is utter destruction. It’s God’s will, dummy!
2008 JANUARY M
7
FEBRUARY
T
W
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F
S
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1
2
3
4
5
6
8
9
10 11 12 13
M
4
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5
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T
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MARCH
F
S
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1
2
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8
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10
M
3
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5
6
F
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S
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2
8
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14 15 16 17 18 19 20
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
28 29 30 31
25 26 27 28 29
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
APRIL M
MAY T
F
S
S
1
2
3
4
8
9
10 11
2
3
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
28 29 30
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
7
T
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1
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10 11 12 13
M
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JUNE
7
M
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4
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30 JULY M
7
AUGUST
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10 11 12 13
M
4
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SEPTEMBER
F
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10 11 12 13 14
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11 12 13 14 15 16 17
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21 22 23 24 25 26 27
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
28 29 30 31
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
29 30
OCTOBER M
6
T
7
NOVEMBER
W
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10 11 12
M
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DECEMBER S
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10 11 12 13 14 15 16
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
27 28 29 30 31
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
29 30 31
2007 JANUARY
FEBRUARY
M
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9
10 11 12 13 14
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M
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APRIL
MARCH
T
F
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1
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10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
M
T
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10 11
2
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12 13 14 15 16 17 18
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
M
5
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7
T
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8
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S 1 8
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
29 30 31
26 27 28
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
MAY M
7
JUNE
T
W
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F
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10 11 12 13
M
4
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JULY F
S
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1
2
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8
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10
M
T
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AUGUST F
S
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1 2
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W
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10 11 12
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
28 29 30 31
25 26 27 28 29 30
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
27 28 29 30 31
30 31 SEPTEMBER M
3
T
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5
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F
7
OCTOBER
NOVEMBER
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1
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10 11 12 23 14
M
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DECEMBER
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10 11
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10 11 12 13 14 15 16
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
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22 23 24 25 26 27 28
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
29 30 31
26 27 28 29 30
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
2009 JANUARY M
5
T
6
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7
FEBRUARY
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1
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10 11
M
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APRIL
MARCH S
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10 11 12 13 14 15
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
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20 21 22 23 24 25 26
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
27 28 29 30
30 31 MAY M
4
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JUNE
JULY
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10 11 12 13 14
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AUGUST
W
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10 11 12
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11 12 13 14 15 16 17
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
29 30
27 28 29 30 31
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
SEPTEMBER M
7
OCTOBER
T
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F
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10 11 12 13
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NOVEMBER
T
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10 11
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DECEMBER S
S
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1 2
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8
10 11 12 13 14 15
7
T
W
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F
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1
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10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
9
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
28 29 30 31
30
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Weights & Measures Biblical
Imperial
Metric
1 Cubit
22.1 inches
56 cm
1 Span
11 inches
28 cm
1 Biblical Mile
3670 feet
1.12 km
1 Talent
1.0838 cwt. (US)
49,162 g
1 Mina
1.8064 lb.
819.36 g
1 Shekel
0 .57803 oz.
16.387 g
International Dialling Codes USA
+1
Great Britain
+44
Israel
+972
Iraq
+964
Books of the Bible The Old Testament
The New Testament
Genesis Exodus Leviticus Numbers Deuteronomy Joshua Judges Ruth 1 Samuel 2 Samuel 1 Kings 2 Kings 1 Chronicles 2 Chronicles Ezra Nehemiah Esther Job Psalms Proverbs Ecclesiastes Song of Solomon Isaiah Jeremiah Lamentations Ezekiel Daniel Hosea Joel Amos Obadiah Jonah Micah Nahum Habakkuk Zephaniah Haggai Zechariah Malachi
Matthew Mark Luke John Acts (of the Apostles) Romans 1 Corinthians 2 Corinthians Galatians Ephesians Philippians Colossians 1 Thessalonians 2 Thessalonians 1 Timothy 2 Timothy Titus Philemon Hebrews James 1 Peter 2 Peter 1 John 2 John 3 John Jude Revelation
Temperature & Wind Speed
Year of Our Lord
December/ January
2008
Monday
31
Tuesday
1
Wednesday
2
New Year’s Day (Public Holiday UK, Eire)
January 2nd (Public Holiday, Scotland)
Thursday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
3 10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x3x1x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
“For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t believe, no explanation is possible.”
Traditional
Year of Our Lord
2008
January Friday
4
Saturday
5
Epiphany
Sunday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
6 1:11AM
1. 11 x 6 x 1 x(2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
New Year’s Resolutions for the Righteous
Yes, we’re all more pious than the next man, but all of us could use a little improvement, surely? Here are a few suggestions for resolutions that will mean you don’t just take part in the Rapture, you fly up there first class! Convert at least one Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Sikh/Atheist to Christianity Vow to speak only in tongues for the whole year Stop spitting in the potato salad at the monthly church picnic ‘Out’ a vicar, so they can’t sneak into heaven through the backdoor Cut back on the whoring Stop thinking about the neighbor’s babysitter in that way Tell wives about each other’s existence
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8 T
H
D A Y
B I
R
E L V I S AARON PRESLEY ( 19 3 5 )
Wednesday
9
Thursday
10
“There’s no disaster that can’t become a blessing, and no blessing that Richard Bach can’t become a disaster.”
Year of Our Lord
January P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
Friday
E
11
E
2008
ARTU
R
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
The Rapture : Pre-Flight Checklist
Don’t be caught unawares by your physical ascent to heaven. Make sure you tick off the following items before you go.
□ □ □
Baptize pets
□ □ □
Forget to do same for in-laws
Cancel magazine subscriptions Attempt to redeem heathen relatives Burn possessions to foil looters Send all money to Televangelist
□ □ □
Change voicemail messages
□ □ □
Empty all aerosol cans skyward
Renounce Satan one last time Fit kids with parachutes, just in case Stock up on sunblock Say goodbye to Grandma
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
17
“If we have nuclear peace for the next 60 years, I would be mildly Steven David surprised.”
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
The Devil wants EU! Slovenia assumes the presidency of the European Union between January and July. Be on the look out for these Satanic directives.
The new EU President will...
• • • • • • •
Usher in the new era of the Antichrist Force all traders to wear the mark of the Beast Have knotted horns on his head Walk upon cloven hooves Fornicate with woman and animal alike Eat babies for breakfast, lunch and dinner Raise taxes
January Monday
21
Year of Our Lord
2008
Martin Luther King Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
“This ‘turn the other cheek’ business is all well and good but it’s not what Jesus fought and died for.” Jerry Falwell
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
Scotlan d hit by deluge of snak es
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Meteor storms NIKE LAUNCH expected ‘GOAT-HOOF’ throughout SN EAKERS Russia March Brow n exposes ‘66 demands 6’ ta tt o o to e’ gen l astonished p Revealed: the ‘evi more ress present in 60% of humans frogs ts entalis Exorcism ra Environmy ‘made up’Bush: e te Platypus to re cord levelssoars admit lthwarming You’re all hordes globa going to take over l sulphur PO Tasmania Rainfal PE ON DO Hell PE? levels rise again
CE THE PRIN AND THE TE PROSTITU
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
RICHARD “ D I C K ” C H E N E Y ( 1 9 4 1 )
Thursday
31
“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
1
Saturday
2
Sunday
3
The Trouble with Tribulation Obviously we’re all looking forward to the Rapture, but you should be aware of a little thing called the Tribulation - a time of great suffering in which Christians will suffer persecution and degradation. Opinion varies as to whether the Rapture will occur before, during or after the Tribulation and it can be argued that your position as a pre, mid or post-tribulationist depends largely on your perception of God. Pre-Tribulation
Mid-Tribulation
Post-Tribulation
God is a loving entity who wishes to protect his children from harm
God is a stern father who knows that suffering can lead to enlightenment
God is a mad bastard who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
4
Tuesday
Shrove Tuesday
5
Wednesday
Ash Wednesday
6
Thursday
7
“The bad fortune of the good turns their faces up to heaven; and the good fortune of the bad bows their heads down to the earth.” Saadi
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
8
Saturday
9
Quadragesima
Sunday
10
Things you could give up for Lent (but probably won‘t) swearing prayer masturbation binge-eating farting going to church coca-cola self-righteousness judging lest ye be judged meat
eggs alcohol sex
drugs
M&Ms buggery pornography
cigarettes lustful thoughts
number twos racism gambling crack Big Macs breathing wheat intolerance casting the first stone hope klan rallies sausages incest
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
11
Tuesday
12
Wednesday
13
Thursday
St. Valentine’s Day
14
“The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.”
Malcolm X
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
15
Saturday
16
Sunday
17
I ♥ U (+ Jesus) By sending a card like this on Valentine’s Day, you’re expressing love not only for the recipient, but also for Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ! (Added to which, it may be the last chance you have to tell someone how you really feel before they’re consumed in righteous hellfire.) It’s not just liberals...
I Wuv You this much ...who have bleeding hearts
LOVE THY GOD
...then fool around with me
February Monday
18
Year of Our Lord
2008
President’s Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
19
Wednesday
20
Thursday
21
“…whether the design is evil or not, artifice is always dangerous and almost inevitably disgraceful.” Jean de La Bruyère
Year of Our Lord
2008
February Friday
22
Saturday
23
Sunday
24
And the winner is... JESUS! Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony will undoubtedly be the usual celebration of pornography and wickedness. Express your outrage by photocopying this slip, signing it and sending it to the Academy.
Dear Academy of Motion Picture ‘Arts’ & ‘Sciences’, I shall not be watching the ‘Oscars’ this year, due to your continual refusal to acknowledge JESUS with so much as a nomination. He should win ALL the awards! Signed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
25
Tuesday
26
Wednesday
27
Thursday
28
“It’s human nature to start taking things for granted again when danger isn’t banging loudly on the door.” David Hackworth
Year of Our Lord
2008
February / March Friday
29
Saturday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
1
10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x1x3x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
Sunday
2
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Dawkin Arms fair tours s fed to nation’s schools Jerusalem learning to cope with fall-out lions signs ow S sh Y s ie w O e ab R Sc T n S t FIRE DE Police ge rch intelligence, of a Neo-nazi talent e s LOUVRE strip ologists claim bi agency seeks s r e pow charismatic TO AN RASTA-M David Icke drowns in figurehead THE RESCUE! water-walking accident Economic d Dreadlocked vigilante Potatoes facing extinction wins civic commendation continues... ownturn
Dog-cat crossbreed wins ‘best in show’
The new online craze: Hatebooking
but pimps and underta kers report reco rd earnings
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
3
Tuesday
4
Wednesday
5
Thursday
6
“All this concern with the effects of global warming is another Lord Young of Graffham manifestation of being politically correct.”
Year of Our Lord
March
2008
Friday
7
Saturday
8
Sunday
9
New Weather Symbols
As we get closer to the apocalypse, you may well notice some new warnings cropping up in weather forecasts. 20%
Frog shower
Fatal lightning strike
Locust swarm
pH 0.5
Acid rain
Comet fall
35
High brimstone levels
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
E THE
BEW
H
D
Y
ST
2 . 2 2 x 10 x 3 x(2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
T
A
EA
2:22AM
R B I
R
B
A
10
O S A M A B I N L A D E N ( 1 9 5 7 )
Tuesday
11
Wednesday
12
Thursday
13
“Beware the Ides of March.” William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’, Act I Scene II
Year of Our Lord
2008
March Friday
14
Saturday
15 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
Reverend J I M M Y SWAGGART ( 1 9 3 5 )
Sunday
16
Back up, Bacchus In Ancient Rome, March 16th-17th marked the Bacchanalia, a series festivals dedicated to the god of Hedonism. Legend has it that these debauched affairs were so scandalous that they were eventually outlawed by the Roman Senate. Their influence can still be found in popular culture today, however, and if you find yourself having depraved urges on these dates, be sure not to give in to them. Having vodka for breakfast may seem like a good idea, but the hang-over will be nothing less than apocalyptic. Keep in mind that your place in heaven is at stake here, and that there’s little time for repentance as the End Times draw ever nearer. Bear that in mind if you feel the urge to download the Paris sex tape, sniff glue or make obscene finger gestures to the vicar’s wife. Don’t give in to the urges and the Dionysian cravings will pass.
Year of Our Lord
March 17
P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
E
St. Patrick’s Day Public Holiday (Eire & N. Ireland)
E
Monday
2008
ARTU
R
Tuesday
18
Wednesday
19
Thursday
Vernal Equinox
20
“We can all be heroes in our virtues, in our homes, in our lives.”
James Ellis
Year of Our Lord
March
2008
Friday
21
Saturday
22 T
H
D
A Y
B I
R
P A T ROBERTSON ( 1 9 3 0 )
Sunday
Palm Sunday
23
Snakes, I cast thee OUT!!!!
Pay tribute to St. Pat by putting your own house in order this week. If you find any of the following items, or even references to them, you need to cast them out! Snakes On A Plane (Movie)
Black Snake Moan (Movie)
Snakes & Ladders (Boardgame)
Snakeheads (Human traffickers)
‘Snake’ (cellphone game)
Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Wrestler)
Snake Plissken (from Escape from New York / Escape from LA movies)
Solid Snake (from Metal Gear videogames)
People born in Chinese Year of the Snake (1989/77/65/41/ 29/17/05)
Whitesnake (Band)
Snake-Eyes (G.I. Joe)
Snake Eyes (Movie)
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
24
Tuesday
25
Wednesday
26 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
MAHMOUD A B B A S ( 1 9 3 5 )
Thursday
Maundy Thursday
27
“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” C.S. Lewis
Year of Our Lord
2008
Good Friday (Public Holiday UK)
March Friday
28
Saturday
29
Easter Sunday (Public Holiday UK)
Sunday
30
Recipe for a righteous Easter weekend Sometimes kids forget that Easter isn’t about bunnies and eggs, but rather about Our Lord and Master suffering for our sins. Remind them of what’s really important with this object lesson in sacrifice and resurrection. You will need: 2 identical rabbits, 2 planks of hardwood, a willingness to deceive your children 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7)
Buy two rabbits, keeping the existence of one of the rabbits secret Nail one rabbit to a crucifix of your own construction Wait for rabbit to die Bury rabbit in garden Wait three days Present children with second rabbit Cry hallelujah!
March / April
2008
Easter Monday Public Holiday (England, Wales, N.Ireland & Eire)
Monday
31
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“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now Pat Robertson doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different...”
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
4
Saturday
5
Sunday
6
Kellogg ‘Jesus F ’s introduce to Indo ace’ Pop-Tart nesia s
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Theologists adjust
Apple’s subliminal for inflation and declare 714.13 the iPod messages ‘New Number of revealed The Beast’
Bush to Congress: China manufacture Rioting conti “Hell No, I Won’t cheaper, more Go!” effective messiahs Tunbridge Wnues in ells Fox announce 2 Hulk Hogan 4-second Rottin revealed gc subliminal news as head of N channel beauty co orpse wins ew ntest World Orde r A Year’s Rainfall In One Day Chimpanzees stage Defence minister PARIS IN THE CONVENT siege at safari park defends ‘rape directive’ Photos inside!!!
April
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8
Wednesday
9
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H U G H H E F N E R ( 1 9 2 6 )
Thursday
10
“Soylent Green is in short supply, so remember -- Tuesday is Soylent Soylent Green (1973) Green day.”
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
11
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
Miracles for Breakfast We’ve all heard the incredible stories of the face of Our Lord appearing in foodstuffs, but if you can’t wait for such a miracle to occur naturally, here are our suggestions for starting the day in a righteous way!
Beginner
Intermediate
Advanced
Crucifix Toast makes breakfast worship easy and fun!
The Madonna and Child fry-up takes a steady hand to perfect.
And the Cornflakes of Christ should only be attempted by experts.
April
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
17
“So far as I can remember, there’s not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.” Bertrand Russell
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
End Times Crossword
Across 1 - Is there a role for Bruce Willis in the end of the world? (10) 6 - Pray with this to get into heaven (5) 7 - Pus-filled lump (4) 8 - 2008 is the Chinese Year of the ___ (3) 10 - Man is to God what Nam is to... (3) 12 - ____ Domini (or Destructus?) (4) 13 - Rev. 15:7 ‘And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden _____’ (5) 14 - Now? Soon! (10) Down 1 - Winged servant of God (5) 2 - Greedy or thrifty? The eye of the needle will determine whether this saver is saved (5) 3 - Some believe there are many, but we know of only one and it is Holy (5) 4 - 10 down, south of the border (5) 5 - The final one in the coffin (4) 9 - Awesome destructive power (6) 10 - He is wickedness personified (5) 11 - Add something Extra to Catholic service (5) 12 - This will greet you on your arrival in Heaven (4)
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Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Monday
21
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
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“Beware of mathematicians... they have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.” St. Augustine
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
First Commandment Flowchart
The End Times will be rife with false prophets. If you meet someone claiming to be God, check their credentials with this handy diagram. 34!24 !RE THEY SMILING
.O
$O THEY LOOK LIKE YOU ALWAYS IMAGINED 'OD WOULD
.O
9ES
!RE THEY CARRYING A WEAPON
9ES
.O
3ORT OF )N EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL SERVICES
.O
9ES
4HIS IS A PROSTITUTE S 9E
7EARING A UNIFORM .O 4HIS IS A MUGGER
9ES
7ITH CUT OUT HOLES AROUND THE GENITALS .O 4HIS IS A POLICE OFFICER
9ES
.O $RUGS .O
4HIS IS A TOURIST 9ES
.O
$O THEY APPEAR INTOXICATED
!RE THEY TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES 9ES
.O
4HIS IS A HYPNOTIST
!RE THEY "LACK
9ES 4HIS IS -ORGAN &REEMAN
)N A LANGUAGE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND .O
9ES
$IRECTIONS TO THE STATION
9ES
!RE THEY IN FACT SHOUTING AT YOU
!RE THEY ASKING YOU FOR MONEY
9ES
9E S
$OES THEIR VOICE HAVE A CALMING EFFECT ON YOU .O
9ES
4HIS IS A MAD PERSON
.O
9ES 7ERE THEY IN THE MOVIE @3EVEN .O
.O
9ES
4HIS COULD BE 'OD 4HIS IS A DRUNK PERSON
April / May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28 T
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Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30
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“It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.” Frederick Douglass
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
2
Saturday
3
Sunday
4
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES petitions ‘WHORE OF BABYLON’ San Francisco ‘Sodom’ Killer bees hit to be renamed be WINS EUROVISION named to t Johannesburg New Gomorrah ye Parents uneasy Israel announce Church: New ab s out ID c ti is 666 emergency bid to host u EU Ling number ‘utterly 2020 Olympics Centre is “New tattoos for inappropriate’ r Of Babel” under-12s Jackson tem
ple
Towe
Says Expert Texas Woman Gives gets go-ahead Birth To 8 Year Old Boy rs gery offe New sur ry gender swap mbustion tempora Spontaneous co h Asia Vatican reveals secret sweeps throug cannabis plantation
RABIES! RABIES! RABIES!
May Monday
5
Year of Our Lord
2008
May Bank Holiday Public Holiday (UK & Eire)
Tuesday
6
Wednesday
7
Thursday
8
“I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
9
Saturday
10 R
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Sunday
11 T
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L O U I S FARRAKHAN ( 1 9 3 5 )
Messages From God
Text messaging is everywhere these days. Children seem to spend all their time tapping on the keys of their cellphones. But what messages would the Almighty send? Here we take a look at the Lord’s outbox... LET THR B LITE!
Can`t mk it 2nite - have to work all week. MayB sunday?
I M the lrd thy GOD - thou shalt have 0 other gods b4 me
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Mk yrslvs @home, but pls don`t eat the apples (nearly cider season!) ;-)
Noah - u better stock up 4 a month or 2. PS can u swim? LOL
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May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
12
Tuesday
13
Wednesday
14
Thursday
15
“All things truly wicked start from an innocence.”
Ernest Hemingway
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
16
Saturday
17
Sunday
18
The Seven Sins - Deadly or Day-to-Day? No one is completely free from sin. Check to see whether your transgressions are forgivable or if you’re putting your soul in jeopardy. DAY-TO-DAY
DEADLY
Thinking your wife has a nice ass
Making it with the family dog
Having an extra helping of peas
Eating a member of the clergy
Wanting a pay rise
Embezzling the pension fund
Having a lie-in on Saturday
Consciously defecating in bed
Swearing when your team loses
Killing the opposition supporters
Admiring your friend’s new car
Severing the brake cables
Feeling pleased with your lawn
Showing visitors your penis
May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
19
Tuesday
20
Wednesday
21
Thursday
Corpus Christi
22
“This work continues. This story goes on. And an angel still rides in George W. Bush the whirlwind and directs this storm. ”
Year of Our Lord
2008
May Friday
23
Saturday
24
Sunday
25
Planning Your Vacation It may seem frivolous to take time off when there’s God’s work to be done, but perhaps you could combine business and pleasure by visiting one of the following destinations and spreading word of the Apocalypse! Rebuilding a synagogue on the Temple Mount is one of the key precursors to the End Times, so why not head to Israel and add your voice to those of the thousands of Muslims and Jews screaming at each other? Alternatively, perhaps you could travel to communist China and spread the Christian gospel to those atheistic reds. They’re sure to be receptive and the food is great! Or for the really bold, spread the End Times message to poverty-stricken Africa. The best thing you can do for poor people is to tell them there’s no point thinking about tomorrow. Here’s your chance to really make a difference!
May Monday
26
Tuesday
Year of Our Lord
2008
Spring Bank Holiday (Public Holiday, UK) Memorial Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Pentecost
27
Wednesday
28
Thursday
29
“History is but the unrolled scroll of prophecy.”
James A. Garfield
Year of Our Lord
May / June
2008
Friday
30
Saturday
31
Trinity Sunday
Sunday
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11 : 10 A M 1 1. 10 x 6 x 1 x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
Snake-handling added to school curriculum in southern states
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ES FRANCE NRA INVActD ory in 30 days’ Anticipates ‘vi
in pressants e d i t n a e r Th king wate your drin s report
Marilyn Manson appointed to National Council of Churches
Scientist ‘fattest summer on record’
Search is on fo r “America’s Nex t Top Jezebel”
Wilmington, DE agrees to become ‘New Gomorrah’ Hopes
to boost tourist trade with San Fran part nership
Google begins global DNA scan
CEO dismisses privacy concerns
Polygamy Educators union Lenin disapp Luca sp from tomb ears to become refuses to teach C GI Je reviews sus mandatory evolution theory by 2010 The curious case of the two-headed milkman
June Monday
2
Year of Our Lord
2008
June Bank Holiday (Public Holiday, Eire)
Tuesday
3
Wednesday
4
Thursday
5
“Five days shalt thou labour, as the Bible says. The seventh day is the Lord thy God’s. The sixth day is for football.” Anthony Burgess
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
6
Saturday
7
Sunday
8
Football Crazy
The Euro 2008 Football Championships begin on Saturday, so let’s see how a Good Vs Evil match might look. Just pray that it doesn’t go to penalties... Satan bin-Laden
Castro Hitler
Shipman
Stalin
Mathers
Manson Iscariot
Clinton
Moore
Evil XI Evil XI 1 1 Michael M. MooreMoore 2 Iscariot 2 Judas J. Iscariot 3 Hillary Clinton 3 H. Clinton 4 Manson 4 Marilyn M. Manson 5 Mathers 5 Marshall M. Mathers 6 Hitler 6 Adolf A. Hitler 7 Joseph Stalin 7 J. Stalin 8 Shipman 8 Harold H. Shipman 9 Castro 9. Fidel Khadaffi 10 bin-Laden 10 Osama O. bin-Laden 11 Satan 11 Satan RIghteousness Utd. St. F.rancis of Assisi 1 Matthew 2 Mark 3 Luke 4 John 5 Mother Teresa 6 Dalai Lama 7 P.ope Benedict XVI 8 Rush Limbaugh 9 Jesus 10 Joseph 11
Assisi Matthew
Mark
Limbaugh Lama Jesus
Luke
John
Teresa Benedict Joseph
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Monday
9
Tuesday
10
11
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“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 people running about with lit matches.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
June Friday
13
Saturday
14
Sunday
15
The Thrifty Fundamentalist It’s not easy being righteous, and Heaven knows it’s not always cheap. Here are a few tips to help you stretch your budget. •
Buying books just to burn them is an expensive habit, so why not take advantage of your local library? It’s what it’s there for, after all!
•
Instead of throwing store-bought Eminem CDs onto the bonfire in front of Tower Records, why not create your own from MP3s downloaded off the internet? Just surf, burn and burn again!
•
New moral outrages seem to happen every day. Rather than making new placards each time you protest, simply use a dry-erase whiteboard to express your indignation time after time.
•
Don’t bother with over-priced bottled water. Take a canteen to church and fill it from the font. It’s free and pure!
June
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
16
Tuesday
17
Wednesday
18
Thursday
19
“Becoming extinct has its compensations.”
Will Cuppy
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
20
Saturday
21
Sunday
22
End Times Beachwear
Gas mask
Anti-radiation parasol
Beach spear
Bowie knife
Razor wire
Speargun
Vaccine gun
Lead-lined bikini
June
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
23
Tuesday
24
Wednesday
25
Thursday
26
“I’ve seen the future, brother; it is murder.”
Leonard Cohen
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
27
Saturday
28
Sunday
29
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
t of Gates: Ou, out UN launches International Microsoft d of thisrewreoverlals Se x Aid onai Billi nbase secret ‘Moo Vista’
Taskforce
Al Qaida : Expect f WEREWO ireworks on July 4th LF IN
BROOKLY
N?
Flesh-eating
All hail the new lepers ladybird s taking s ‘Satanic’ ritual Castle Sea or ds in W at t e str e plac rises mpera ike Madrid Satan tops US Psychic horse wins ture by 2 0 talent ° show in Ohio C : box office General Le MADONNA L v y es seizes powe E REA FDA approv nter H ANTHRAX T u r ’M I co over-the- e-drops in Gua E m morphine ey BABY FOOD WHOR YLON B OF BA Prostitute wins mayoral race SHOCKER
June / July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
30
Tuesday
1
Wednesday
2
Thursday
3
“He who does not punish evil commands it to be done.”
Leonardo da Vinci
Year of Our Lord
July
Independence Day (Public Holiday USA)
Friday
2008
4
Saturday
5
T
Sunday
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G E O WA L B U ( 1 9
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A Declaration of Independence
Obviously, July 4th is a significant date in US history, but with the way America is heading, you might be wise to sign your own declaration of independence - from the godless, warmongering USA.
UNIVERSAL DECLARATION of INDEPENDENCE from the USA We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal and that as God’s chosen ones we are endowed by the Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Armageddon. We find that the present administration has forsaken the charge given unto them by God and we therefore declare ourselves to be an autonomous nation, apart from the misguided folly that is these United States of America. We hereby sever all bonds, covenants and contracts with the Federal Government of the United States of America and invoke a state of free autonomy from said oppressors. Signed.................................................................................................
July 4, 2008
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8
Wednesday
9 T
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B I
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ORENTHAL “ O . J . ” SIMPSON ( 1 9 4 7 )
Thursday
10
“Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory.” Jimmy Swaggart
Year of Our Lord
2008
July Friday
11
Battle of The Boyne - Orangemen’s Day (N. Ireland)
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
The End Times Menagerie
As the apocalypse approaches, the laws of nature are thrown into disarray. But are these unsightly beasts the result of meddling scientists or part of His divine plan?
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
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AYATOLLAH A L I K H AM E N E I ( 1 9 3 9 )
“And he who overcomes, and keeps My works until the end, to him I will give power over the nations” Revelation 2:26
Year of Our Lord
2008
July Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
Advice for the pregnant Christian
As you know, the unbaptized cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven, so it’s imperative this happens as soon as the child is delivered. We recommend using a birthing pool and having a member of the clergy on stand-by. With a few prayers and an extra dunk in the water, your baby will be a member of the church before the umbilical cord is cut. Then you can wait for the rapture, secure in the knowledge that little junior will fly up there with you. Alternatively, put the little bugger up for adoption and let it fend for itself.
© iStockphoto / Joe Klune
As a good Christian woman, you obviously know that the apocalypse could start at any moment and while you’re praying for this to happen, you’re understandably worried about what will happen to your child.
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
21
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
Ferdinand Foch
Year of Our Lord
July
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
When The Looters Come... DO
DON’T
Realise that the safety of you and your family is far more important than any of your possessions
Try and convince the looters that your children will fetch a better price on the open market than your flat-screen TV
Barricade yourself in the most secure room of the house
Shut yourself in the fridge with a shotgun
Remember the exact placement of any traps you lay
Expect Home Alone style hi-jinks from said devices - it will be brutal
Call the police
Call the looters’ parents
Pray for the looters’ salvation
Appeal to their sense of fairness
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30
Thursday
31
“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
Carl Sagan
Year of Our Lord
August
2008 Lammas
Friday
1
Saturday
2
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Sunday
3
PLKADEGATHUHIETS!!NY! BLAC
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Reality s how Apple CEO declares himself contesta ‘iGod’ nt c ommits Germany on verg ir Bla e of bankrupt converts suicide on EU ignores calls forcy aid to Islam live TV
Oceanographers report massive tectonic shifts in Pacific basin An Unexpected Melting eyeballs on the rise Ocular combustion rate up 40% Error Has Keynes n o t il M in Occurred Gov. Schwarzenegger Cow runs riot Gates shuttle cr as NRA he comm s ander into lunar surfa dies in San Jose ce confi dent war will be back” on deathbed Freak snowstorm Vows “I’ll be over by Chris tmas POPE IN REHAB hits Europe
August Monday
4
Year of Our Lord
2008
Summer Bank Holiday (Scotland)
Tuesday
5
Wednesday
6
Thursday
7
“All gaming, since it implies a desire to profit at the expense of another, involves a breach of the tenth commandment.”
Whately
Year of Our Lord
August
2008
Friday
8
Saturday
9
Sunday
10
The Red Olympics The 29th Summer Olympics begin this week in Beijing, China. Be on the look-out for the following harbingers of doom. Opening music contains “stupid capitalists” chant
Olympic torch refuses to light
Rifle range ‘goes Colombine’
Runner 666 wins men’s marathon
Allegations of ‘genetically modified’ Pagan streaker breaks into the US athletes cycling velodrome Gender-bending in women’s shot-put
Irradiated medals scandal
August
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
11
Tuesday
12
Wednesday
13
Thursday
14
“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.” William Faulkner
Year of Our Lord
2008 Assumption
August Friday
15
Saturday
16 T
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P O P E BENEDICTINE X V I ( 1 9 2 7 )
Sunday
17
The Eye of The Needle
If you’re a well-off Christian, you may occasionally wonder about that troublesome bit in the Gospels about rich men entering heaven. Matthew 19:24 states “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” and the sentiment is repeated almost verbatim by Mark and Luke. If you’ve made a good life for yourself on Earth, does that mean you should be punished in the afterlife? Absolutely not! The Space Needle in Seattle is God’s gift to America’s wealthiest citizens. Standing at an impressive 605 feet high, the mighty Space Needle has room for even the most bloated camel to pass through it’s ‘eye’ and is conclusive proof that God loves American millionaires. Hallelujah!
August
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
18
Tuesday
19
Wednesday
20
Thursday
21
“Beware of thinkers whose minds function only when they are fuelled Emile Cioran, Anathemas and Admirations by a quotation.”
Year of Our Lord
August
2008
Friday
22
Saturday
23
Sunday
24
Flood Warning Atheistic scientists may say that increased flooding is due to global warming, but we know that it is God’s divine retribution upon us for buying expensive bottled water. But how to prepare for the floods? Force children to wear lifejackets at all times. They say they’ve been going to swimming lessons, but do you really want to risk it? A freestanding bathtub (properly plugged) makes an excellent makeshift canoe.
A jet-ski may seem like a frivolous purchase, (particularly if you live in a tower block), but when the deluge arrives, you’ll be the envy of all your neighbors! And for the full ‘Noah Experience’, why not convert your garden shed into a mini Ark? Two of every beast may be a squeeze, though...
Photo: Peter Lindberg
August Monday
25
Year of Our Lord
2008
Summer Bank Holiday (England, Wales, N.Ireland)
Tuesday
26
Wednesday
27
Thursday
28
“I read the news today Oh boy...”
The Beatles, A Day In The Life
Year of Our Lord
2008
August Friday
29
Saturday
30
Sunday
31
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES Schools Scientists baffled by distribute London owned by rats or ‘Lazarus syndrome’ UNISAT and pigeons, says may Paramount Halley’s comet returns 53 Boo-yaka! ‘shag packs’ ts en d u st to Gen. Levy greenlights years ahead of schedule oms, Includes cond pills r te af declares war ng ni or m DVD Bin-Laden es v r and Ben Dover e s on USA t n a s biopic Restaur flesh to diner Volcanic eruptions man El-Haaj Blair goes into hiding hu decimate Ireland ial or em m C s WT ld a Reality suicide McDon goes up in flames r e h show s producers o K s n tur hington residents put Was consi der celebrity Diana memorial event t under house arrescurfew spin-off turns into bloodbath No explanation given for
September Monday
1
Year of Our Lord
2008
Labor Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
2
Wednesday
3
Thursday
4
“We are fools for Christ…”
Corinthians 4:10
Year of Our Lord
2008
September Friday
5
Saturday
6
Sunday
7
The Satanic Dinosaur Conspiracy Atheistic ‘scientists’ often cite the existence of dinosaurs as a means of discrediting the creation story and the Garden of Eden. Fortunately, most Christians know the truth - namely that dinosaurs were created by Satan to deceive mankind about its true origin and create doubt in the Almighty Father. But few are aware of the fact that dinosaurs are not actually extinct and in fact currently live in secret among us. Able to make themselves appear human when needed, these Satanic emissaries are the secret puppet-masters of the modern world, occupying positions of power across the globe. No government is safe from infiltration and the dinosaurs are hell-bent on the persecution of good, moral believers like you and I. So next time somebody tells you not to picket the abortion clinic, take a long, hard look at them. They might just be a dinosaur...
September
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
8
Tuesday
9
Wednesday
10
Thursday
11
“Be not afraid of any man no matter what his size; when danger threatens, call on me, and I will equalize.” Motto on a Colt revolver
Year of Our Lord
September
2008
Friday
12
Saturday
13
Sunday
14
The New Twin Towers - horribly unbalanced 7 years on from the 9/11 and the images still have the power to shock. But consider the extent of the carnage resulting from the wars that followed. Say a prayer for all those who have lost their lives as a result - irrespective of where they were born. Coalition Troops in Afghanistan (679) Northern Alliance (200) Afghan Security Forces (2,930) Taliban & Al Qaida combatants (10,000 est.) Afghan Civilians (7,300) Aid, press and media workers in Iraq (229) Contract Workers in Iraq (933) Coalition Military in Iraq (297) US Military in Iraq (3,760) Iraqi Civilians (74,000) Hijackers (19) People still reported as missing (24) Victims In Pentagon (125) Victims in New York (2,603) Passengers (246)
120000 100000 80000 60000 40000 20000 0
9/11 DEATHS
DEATHS FROM RESULTING WARS
Sources: USA Today, NPR, iraqbodycount.org, BBC News, CNN. Statistics compiled August 2007. Where ranges are estimated, the median figure is used.
September
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
15
Tuesday
16
Wednesday
17
Thursday
18
“Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion Pat Buchanan is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
September Friday
19
Saturday
20
Sunday
21
Pray your own way! All of us love to pray, but perhaps you’re getting a little tired of the traditional ‘on the knees’ position. Why not try these alternatives to put a new twist on your conversations with God?
September 22
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Autumnal Equinox
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Year of Our Lord
ARTU
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Tuesday
23
Wednesday
24
Thursday
25
“The United States is not a Christian nation any more than it is a The Treaty of Tripoli (January 4, 1797) Jewish or a Mohammedan nation.”
Year of Our Lord
September
2008
Friday
26
Saturday
27
Sunday
28
El-Haaj Blair tops FBI ‘Most Wanted’ list
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ldren Genetically modified chi ics excel at Special Olymp
Paris in Paris launches g Sister Hilton entertains NRA troops Amazon in h c a e r ic ore Atlant online WMD st t, in o p g K in A-BO boil Rastafarianism warns WAR ON OOM!!!!BRITNEY: t is t n ie now secondc T s E GOES NUCLRROR I’m a born- largest religion EAR CCTV in every hom e again virgin in US ‘No saf by end of year says e d hiding p Home Secretary Worl ew from fa lace’ Sell your soul Seanounces n s’ ll-out, an en Seal at on eBay Massacre ount PM warns ‘Sev mal show M le p mam Tem Gambling restrictions axed
September / October
Year of Our Lord
2008
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29
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30 T
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“You go into it as a business and you treat it like a business.”
MarJoe Gortner, former child evangelist
Year of Our Lord
2008
October Friday
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Behold a pale horse... Four Horsemen? In the 21st century?! Don’t be surprised if they arrive on something a little more swish. . .
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October
2008
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“Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,” 2 Peter 3:3
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
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BURNING DEATH DROUGHT FAMINE GREAT BEAST HORSEMEN HOWLING JUDGEMENT LOCUST PLAGUE RAPTURE TRUMPET WAILING WAR WRATH
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Columbus Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Monday
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“We are in hell, my dear - there is never a mistake and people are not Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit damned for nothing.”
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Friday
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Saturday
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Sunday
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cinataS syawla t’nera segassem sdrawkcaB Like any good Christian, you probably only ever listen to popular music backwards so that you can check for evil hidden messages. Here are a few which eschew Satanism for something more positive. “Obey your parents. Do your homework. Winners don’t do drugs.” from the ‘Are Friends Electric’ LP by Information Society “What are you looking for the devil for, when you ought to be looking for the Lord?” from ‘Judas Kiss’ by Petra “She’s worried about you, call your mother.” from ‘Michael’ by Franz Ferdinand “Hello, how are you? I’m fine, ‘cause I know that the Lord is coming soon,” from ‘Darling Nikki’ by Prince “Annuit Cœptis, Novus Ordo Seclorum” (“God has favored our undertakings”) from ‘Heavy Metal Poisoning’ by Styx
October
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
20
Tuesday
21
Wednesday
22
Thursday
23
“All of a sudden it’s closer to the end than the beginning, and death is suddenly a perceptible thing to me, with definable features.” Network (1976)
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Friday
24
Saturday
25
Sunday
26
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ts INSIDE: ELVIS LIVES IN BRIGHTON Eat your friends Satanist cult ge to prevent famine g in d n a lottery fu Gibraltar sinks into the se Presidential deadlock goes Pensioners freeze in Archbishop defends unexpected cold snap into overtime human sacrifice Catwalks crazy Dirty dog-lovers step out of Will th for leper chic please setarenal Saddam the shadows g n i b d up? Pressure group demands Raft of im al bom r d equal rights for bestial e it h at t or s cast doub Ca drid on executio relationships ts n Anthrax epidemic in Ma sweeps New Zealand D T LEGALIZE Lohan and the pony
INCES
‘Zombie’ Schwarzenegger demands access to state legislature
Bring me your ders children, PM or
Construction completed on Jackson temple
October Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
October Bank Holiday (Eire)
27
Tuesday
28
Wednesday
29
Thursday
30
“I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.”
Linus Van Pelt
Year of Our Lord
2008
October / November Friday
Halloween
31
Saturday
1
Sunday
2
Halloween - Get behind thee Satan! Don’t let this satanic holiday jeopardize your place in heaven. Simply replace the ‘traditional’ blasphemy with something more righteous. TRADITIONAL BLASPHEMY Bobbing for apples Harry Potter readings Fun-size Mars Bars Witches hats and vampire fangs Ghost stories “Trick or Treat!”
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE Children’s ducking stools Salem Witch trial re-enactments Pocket Bibles Nun’s habits and vicar’s dog collars Confessionals “Repent or die!”
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
3
Tuesday
4
Wednesday
5
Thursday
6
“If people don’t want to defend themselves, they deserve to die.”
Ted Nugent
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
7 T
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Saturday
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Sunday
9
US Elections - A choice between good and evil
America goes to the polls on Tuesday to determine the 44th President of the USA. Even though the candidates weren’t announced at the time of going to press, the contenders probably stack up like this... Democrat nominee
Republican nominee
A smart East-coast liberal who tells you that you are wrong and scolds you for buying a Hummer
A folksy southern guy who tells you what you want to hear and then gets a hummer from his secretary
Wants to spend American money on foreigners and crack-heads
Wants to spend American money on foreign wars and mercenaries
Believes in health care for all and a restrictive system of gun control
Believes in guns for all and a restrictive system of health care
Attends church only when TV cameras are around
Is guided by the voice of God emanating from his waffle-maker
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
10
Tuesday
11
Veteran’s Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Wednesday
12
Thursday
13
“Every man has a paradise around him till he sins, and the angel of Longfellow an accusing conscience drives him from his Eden.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
November Friday
14 T
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Fire and Ice Robert Frost, 1920
Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To know that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Monday
17
Tuesday
18
Wednesday
19
Thursday
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“Out of the dark we came, into the dark we go.” H. Rider Haggard, King Solomon’s Mines
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
21
Saturday
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Sunday
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A plague upon your house...
We all know about the amazing therapeutic powers of prayer, but the End Times brings with it some rather nasty new diseases.
Crucipox is unsightly, but generally harmless. These cross-shaped pustules itch terribly, but that’s about it.
Viral Stigmata is passed on through physical contact, so avoid shaking hands with those afflicted.
Lucifer Syndrome causes scabs to cover the entire body while small white horns appear on the skull.
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
24
Tuesday
25
Wednesday
26
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“Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, vibrations in the mind of Bill Hicks the one true God whose name is love.”
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
28
Saturday
29
Advent Sunday
Sunday
30
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
s trongest reme Court deemfor up S World’s S ry Bush admits: I heard voices abortion mandatoles woman Man is a up co e ac ou!” mixed-r
“Fodeonlt’es dinayugural
TERROR
The truth about NETWORK Fried fish straight Presi shocks the nation rats and blogs OFFERS from the oc address ean FRE E Klan rides to ROSOFT IC M OF F-P EAK NRA’s aid in RCH Nuns laugh as UYS CHU CA LLS B TOLOGY Boulogne Paris burns OF SCIEN Televised crucifixion NASA probe sees Mysterious Paedophiles to go ahead in Texas happenings win right to face of Reagan on lunar surface at SeaWorld teach gym Italy declares martial law
December Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
St. Andrews Day (Scotland)
1
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“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” George Bernard Shaw
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
5
Saturday
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Sunday
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Better to freeze on Earth than burn in Hell Winter will be in full effect by the time you read this, but rest assured that this is all part of God’s plan. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to protect yourself from the cold, however, so here are our top tips for staying warm this December. •
Burning books is a great way to generate cheap heat.
•
Don’t waste money insulating the loft - simply buy enough lagging to cover your body and you can wear your insulation wherever you go!
•
Don’t be tempted to drink alcohol to warm up - it actually lowers body temperature and exacerbates the situation.
•
Rubbing goose fat on your body is an excellent way to keep warm, but it will mean you smell like Colonel Saunders.
•
Family pets can easily be converted into cosy fur pelts.
December Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
Immaculate Conception
8
Tuesday
9
Wednesday
10
Thursday
11
“Lord have mercy on my enemies, ‘cause I sure as hell won’t.”
Gen. George S. Patton
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
12
Saturday
13
Sunday
14
When Angels Attack! So you think the angels in the End Times are going to be strumming harps and preaching sweetness and light? Think again! These are the warriors of God and they’re coming in all guns blazing!
December
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
15
Tuesday
16
Wednesday
17
Thursday
18
“Some businessmen are saying this could be the greatest Christmas Art Fettig ever. I always thought that the first one was.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
19
Saturday
20
Sunday
21
Who is this Santa guy anyway? Sadly, most people nowadays believe Christmas celebrates the birth of Santa Claus rather than Jesus Christ. Idolatrous worship of this ruddycheeked fat man has led to the commercialization of the most sacred feast in the Christian calendar. With this in mind, we urge you to fight the cult of Father Christmas by passing on these tidbits to any children you meet. • • • • • •
Santa wipes his bottom on every third present he puts under the tree His ‘elves’ are in fact pygmy love-slaves purchased on the internet The fact that he ‘loves children’ but has to sneak into their houses at night is because he’s a registered sex offender During the off-season, Santa uses his house-entry skills to steal drugs from hospitals Mention that the suicide rate in the Arctic circle is staggeringly high And the fact that ‘Santa’ is an anagram of ‘ Satan’ is no coincidence.
December
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
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Tuesday
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Wednesday
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“Do give books — religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They’re never Lenore Hershey fattening, never sinful, and permanently personal.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
Boxing Day (Public Holiday UK & Eire)
December Friday
26
Saturday
27
Sunday
28
Happy Birthday Jesus!
It’s Jesus’s birthday and he’s throwing a party in heaven. The good news is that you’re already on the guest list, but here are some handy hints to ensure you don’t embarrass yourself on His special day. • Dress humbly - the Lord isn’t interested in bling, so kick off those diamond sling-backs and get yourself some hand-made sandals. • By all means BYOB, but don’t expect Him to transform water into wine. Brandishing an Evian bottle and demanding he transform it into Chardonnay will only make you look cheap. • Gifts should be thoughtful, but not flashy. Bear in mind that all the bookshops and Virgin Megastores have been destroyed in the Apocalypse, so vouchers are a no-no. • Don’t try to get off with Mary Magdelene, no matter what you may have heard about her past. • Leave when asked. God’s bouncers don’t let anyone mess with the Big Man and lingering too long will see you ejected down below.
December / January
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2008 2008 /2009
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“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan whoever is around to be loved.”
Still here? Why not order
The End Times Diary 2009 If you’re reading this, then it means one of two things - either the Rapture hasn’t happened quite when we thought it would (unlikely), or you’re one of the heathens left on Earth to deal with the ravages of the apocalypse. Either way, why not order the 2009 edition of The End Times Diary and mark out those important dates in the year ahead? Our team of unsaved sales agents will be ready and waiting to take your order. If you can find a computer that hasn’t been infected with the virus that has crashed the entire world economy, then visit www.waywardpress.co.uk for information and ordering details.
The End Times Diary is the essential guide to the impending apocalypse and features valuable information that might just save your soul! Using the Book of Revelation as its basis, The End Times Diary prophesizes the events that will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation and Second Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Week-by-week, The End Times Diary lays out everything you need to know: when the devil is at his strongest, potential troublespots, survival techniques and handy hints for the fundamentalist Christian. Be under no illusions: The end IS nigh!
Cover illustration © iStockphoto / Tomasz Rzymkiewicz
This diary belongs to: NAME: ADDRESS:
PHONE:
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When the Rapture comes, please contact: Name: Contact details:
*BO.BMLJF
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License. You are free: to copy, distribute, display, and perform the work Under the following conditions: Attribution. You must give the original author credit. Non-Commercial. You may not use this work for commercial purposes. No Derivative Works. You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/uk/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.
The End Times Diary 2008 This diary belongs to: NAME: ADDRESS:
PHONE:
E-MAIL:
When the Rapture comes, please contact: Name: Contact details:
The End Times Diary 2008 by Ian Malkie Additional Contributors Hannah Hollingworth Qoot Brian McGee Toby Schwartz Copyright Tom Alexander 2007 Cover illustration © iStockphoto / Tomasz Rzymkiewicz
WAYW002 www.waywardpress.co.uk FOR MATTHEW The original soothsayer
Introduction Welcome to The End Times Diary 2008 – a revelatory day-to-day planner for the year ahead. Aimed at the fundamentalist Christian who knows that the world is coming to an end, this book will help you prepare for the apocalypse, the rapture and the eventual return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For those of you unfamiliar with Biblical prophesy, we thought it wise to produce this little primer to help you understand exactly what it is that we’re all facing. Be under no illusions – the end is indeed nigh. Rather than fearing the End of Days, however, you should embrace the change as it will eventually lead to the second coming of the Messiah. WHAT ARE THE END TIMES? The term ‘End Times’ refers to a sequence of events prophesied in the book of Revelation. In general terms, it deals with the end of the world, fall of humanity and the rule of Satan over the earth. SOUNDS BAD! Yes and no. Bad in the sense that life as we know it will become unimaginable torment, but good in the sense that it will lead to the return of Jesus Christ in order to guide his people to salvation. SO – GOOD IF YOU’RE A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN, BUT BAD FOR EVERYONE ELSE? Exactly. So now’s the time to get yourself into church! Don’t put it off! You don’t want to be left behind when the Rapture comes! THE RAPTURE? WHAT’S THAT? The Rapture is the blessed event whereby God brings up all the true believers into Heaven. This isn’t some theoretical flight of the soul – our bodies will be literally plucked up off the earth and lifted up to the Kingdom of God. KIND OF LIKE THE TELEPORTER IN ‘STAR TREK’? Yes. Although that kind of flippant attitude isn’t very helpful.
SO WHEN DO THE END TIMES BEGIN? Well, unfortunately we don’t have the exact date, but all the signs are that it’s coming soon. You only need to look at the state of the world to realise that things are getting worse – Godlessness all around, war, famine, atheism and the intrusion of autocratic government. Rather than let people fend for themselves, we’ve created this diary. Inside you’ll find all sorts of activities, advice and warnings about how to survive the End Times. WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR? As well as the weekly activities, you should look out for these icons on specific days. These Hot-Spots indicate that significant events may well take place and that you should be extra-vigilant.
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The Beware The Beast warns you to be aware of Satanic activity. These days have been calculated using a complex numerological process and are scientifically predicted to have a high level of demonic activity. Be on your guard whenever you see this symbol. The Possible Departure symbol indicates a date that could very well be the start of The Rapture. While none of us knows exactly when it will happen, it’s just possible it could be on one of these days, so make sure you’re prepared. The Birthday icon marks the birth date of a significant figure connected to the End Times. While this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, it’s a good reminder to say a prayer, send a card or do nothing at all.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO PREVENT THIS ALL FROM HAPPENING? No. And why would you want to? The End Times is a glorious event that will be the redemption of the righteous. Stupid people will argue that caring for the environment, changing our political processes and working to end war will help mankind, but we know that the only path to salvation is utter destruction. It’s God’s will, dummy!
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15 16 17 18 19 20 21
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
29 30 31
26 27 28 29 30
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
2009 JANUARY M
5
T
6
W
7
FEBRUARY
T
F
S
S
1
2
3
4
8
9
10 11
M
T
W
T
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APRIL
MARCH S
S
M
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1 4
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1 4
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W
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8
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10 11 12
2
3
2
3
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
9
10 11 12 13 14 15
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
27 28 29 30
30 31 MAY M
4
T
5
W
6
T
7
JUNE
JULY
F
S
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
S
1
2
3
1
2
3
4
5
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7
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9
10
8
9
10 11 12 13 14
M
6
T
7
AUGUST
W
T
F
S
S
1
2
3
4
5
8
9
10 11 12
M
3
T
4
W
5
T
6
F
7
S
S
1
2
8
9
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
25 26 27 28 29 30 31
29 30
27 28 29 30 31
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
SEPTEMBER M
7
OCTOBER
T
W
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F
S
S
1
2
3
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5
6
8
9
10 11 12 13
M
5
T
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W
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NOVEMBER
T
F
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1
2
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4
8
9
10 11
M
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DECEMBER S
S
M
1 2
3
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7
8
10 11 12 13 14 15
7
T
W
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F
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S
1
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10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
9
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
26 27 28 29 30 31
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
28 29 30 31
30
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Weights & Measures Biblical
Imperial
Metric
1 Cubit
22.1 inches
56 cm
1 Span
11 inches
28 cm
1 Biblical Mile
3670 feet
1.12 km
1 Talent
1.0838 cwt. (US)
49,162 g
1 Mina
1.8064 lb.
819.36 g
1 Shekel
0 .57803 oz.
16.387 g
International Dialling Codes USA
+1
Great Britain
+44
Israel
+972
Iraq
+964
Books of the Bible The Old Testament
The New Testament
Genesis Exodus Leviticus Numbers Deuteronomy Joshua Judges Ruth 1 Samuel 2 Samuel 1 Kings 2 Kings 1 Chronicles 2 Chronicles Ezra Nehemiah Esther Job Psalms Proverbs Ecclesiastes Song of Solomon Isaiah Jeremiah Lamentations Ezekiel Daniel Hosea Joel Amos Obadiah Jonah Micah Nahum Habakkuk Zephaniah Haggai Zechariah Malachi
Matthew Mark Luke John Acts (of the Apostles) Romans 1 Corinthians 2 Corinthians Galatians Ephesians Philippians Colossians 1 Thessalonians 2 Thessalonians 1 Timothy 2 Timothy Titus Philemon Hebrews James 1 Peter 2 Peter 1 John 2 John 3 John Jude Revelation
Temperature & Wind Speed
Year of Our Lord
December/ January
2008
Monday
31
Tuesday
1
Wednesday
2
New Year’s Day (Public Holiday UK, Eire)
January 2nd (Public Holiday, Scotland)
Thursday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
3 10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x3x1x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
“For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t believe, no explanation is possible.”
Traditional
Year of Our Lord
2008
January Friday
4
Saturday
5
Epiphany
Sunday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
6 1:11AM
1. 11 x 6 x 1 x(2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
New Year’s Resolutions for the Righteous
Yes, we’re all more pious than the next man, but all of us could use a little improvement, surely? Here are a few suggestions for resolutions that will mean you don’t just take part in the Rapture, you fly up there first class! Convert at least one Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Sikh/Atheist to Christianity Vow to speak only in tongues for the whole year Stop spitting in the potato salad at the monthly church picnic ‘Out’ a vicar, so they can’t sneak into heaven through the backdoor Cut back on the whoring Stop thinking about the neighbor’s babysitter in that way Tell wives about each other’s existence
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8 T
H
D A Y
B I
R
E L V I S AARON PRESLEY ( 19 3 5 )
Wednesday
9
Thursday
10
“There’s no disaster that can’t become a blessing, and no blessing that Richard Bach can’t become a disaster.”
Year of Our Lord
January P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
Friday
E
11
E
2008
ARTU
R
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
The Rapture : Pre-Flight Checklist
Don’t be caught unawares by your physical ascent to heaven. Make sure you tick off the following items before you go.
□ □ □
Baptize pets
□ □ □
Forget to do same for in-laws
Cancel magazine subscriptions Attempt to redeem heathen relatives Burn possessions to foil looters Send all money to Televangelist
□ □ □
Change voicemail messages
□ □ □
Empty all aerosol cans skyward
Renounce Satan one last time Fit kids with parachutes, just in case Stock up on sunblock Say goodbye to Grandma
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
17
“If we have nuclear peace for the next 60 years, I would be mildly Steven David surprised.”
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
The Devil wants EU! Slovenia assumes the presidency of the European Union between January and July. Be on the look out for these Satanic directives.
The new EU President will...
• • • • • • •
Usher in the new era of the Antichrist Force all traders to wear the mark of the Beast Have knotted horns on his head Walk upon cloven hooves Fornicate with woman and animal alike Eat babies for breakfast, lunch and dinner Raise taxes
January Monday
21
Year of Our Lord
2008
Martin Luther King Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
“This ‘turn the other cheek’ business is all well and good but it’s not what Jesus fought and died for.” Jerry Falwell
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
Scotlan d hit by deluge of snak es
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Meteor storms NIKE LAUNCH expected ‘GOAT-HOOF’ throughout SN EAKERS Russia March Brow n exposes ‘66 demands 6’ ta tt o o to e’ gen l astonished p Revealed: the ‘evi more ress present in 60% of humans frogs ts entalis Exorcism ra Environmy ‘made up’Bush: e te Platypus to re cord levelssoars admit lthwarming You’re all hordes globa going to take over l sulphur PO Tasmania Rainfal PE ON DO Hell PE? levels rise again
CE THE PRIN AND THE TE PROSTITU
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
RICHARD “ D I C K ” C H E N E Y ( 1 9 4 1 )
Thursday
31
“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
1
Saturday
2
Sunday
3
The Trouble with Tribulation Obviously we’re all looking forward to the Rapture, but you should be aware of a little thing called the Tribulation - a time of great suffering in which Christians will suffer persecution and degradation. Opinion varies as to whether the Rapture will occur before, during or after the Tribulation and it can be argued that your position as a pre, mid or post-tribulationist depends largely on your perception of God. Pre-Tribulation
Mid-Tribulation
Post-Tribulation
God is a loving entity who wishes to protect his children from harm
God is a stern father who knows that suffering can lead to enlightenment
God is a mad bastard who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
4
Tuesday
Shrove Tuesday
5
Wednesday
Ash Wednesday
6
Thursday
7
“The bad fortune of the good turns their faces up to heaven; and the good fortune of the bad bows their heads down to the earth.” Saadi
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
8
Saturday
9
Quadragesima
Sunday
10
Things you could give up for Lent (but probably won‘t) swearing prayer masturbation binge-eating farting going to church coca-cola self-righteousness judging lest ye be judged meat
eggs alcohol sex
drugs
M&Ms buggery pornography
cigarettes lustful thoughts
number twos racism gambling crack Big Macs breathing wheat intolerance casting the first stone hope klan rallies sausages incest
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
11
Tuesday
12
Wednesday
13
Thursday
St. Valentine’s Day
14
“The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.”
Malcolm X
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
15
Saturday
16
Sunday
17
I ♥ U (+ Jesus) By sending a card like this on Valentine’s Day, you’re expressing love not only for the recipient, but also for Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ! (Added to which, it may be the last chance you have to tell someone how you really feel before they’re consumed in righteous hellfire.) It’s not just liberals...
I Wuv You this much ...who have bleeding hearts
LOVE THY GOD
...then fool around with me
February Monday
18
Year of Our Lord
2008
President’s Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
19
Wednesday
20
Thursday
21
“…whether the design is evil or not, artifice is always dangerous and almost inevitably disgraceful.” Jean de La Bruyère
Year of Our Lord
2008
February Friday
22
Saturday
23
Sunday
24
And the winner is... JESUS! Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony will undoubtedly be the usual celebration of pornography and wickedness. Express your outrage by photocopying this slip, signing it and sending it to the Academy.
Dear Academy of Motion Picture ‘Arts’ & ‘Sciences’, I shall not be watching the ‘Oscars’ this year, due to your continual refusal to acknowledge JESUS with so much as a nomination. He should win ALL the awards! Signed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
25
Tuesday
26
Wednesday
27
Thursday
28
“It’s human nature to start taking things for granted again when danger isn’t banging loudly on the door.” David Hackworth
Year of Our Lord
2008
February / March Friday
29
Saturday
E THE
EA ST
BEW
R
B
A
1
10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x1x3x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
Sunday
2
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Dawkin Arms fair tours s fed to nation’s schools Jerusalem learning to cope with fall-out lions signs ow S sh Y s ie w O e ab R Sc T n S t FIRE DE Police ge rch intelligence, of a Neo-nazi talent e s LOUVRE strip ologists claim bi agency seeks s r e pow charismatic TO AN RASTA-M David Icke drowns in figurehead THE RESCUE! water-walking accident Economic d Dreadlocked vigilante Potatoes facing extinction wins civic commendation continues... ownturn
Dog-cat crossbreed wins ‘best in show’
The new online craze: Hatebooking
but pimps and underta kers report reco rd earnings
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
3
Tuesday
4
Wednesday
5
Thursday
6
“All this concern with the effects of global warming is another Lord Young of Graffham manifestation of being politically correct.”
Year of Our Lord
March
2008
Friday
7
Saturday
8
Sunday
9
New Weather Symbols
As we get closer to the apocalypse, you may well notice some new warnings cropping up in weather forecasts. 20%
Frog shower
Fatal lightning strike
Locust swarm
pH 0.5
Acid rain
Comet fall
35
High brimstone levels
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
E THE
BEW
H
D
Y
ST
2 . 2 2 x 10 x 3 x(2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
T
A
EA
2:22AM
R B I
R
B
A
10
O S A M A B I N L A D E N ( 1 9 5 7 )
Tuesday
11
Wednesday
12
Thursday
13
“Beware the Ides of March.” William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’, Act I Scene II
Year of Our Lord
2008
March Friday
14
Saturday
15 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
Reverend J I M M Y SWAGGART ( 1 9 3 5 )
Sunday
16
Back up, Bacchus In Ancient Rome, March 16th-17th marked the Bacchanalia, a series festivals dedicated to the god of Hedonism. Legend has it that these debauched affairs were so scandalous that they were eventually outlawed by the Roman Senate. Their influence can still be found in popular culture today, however, and if you find yourself having depraved urges on these dates, be sure not to give in to them. Having vodka for breakfast may seem like a good idea, but the hang-over will be nothing less than apocalyptic. Keep in mind that your place in heaven is at stake here, and that there’s little time for repentance as the End Times draw ever nearer. Bear that in mind if you feel the urge to download the Paris sex tape, sniff glue or make obscene finger gestures to the vicar’s wife. Don’t give in to the urges and the Dionysian cravings will pass.
Year of Our Lord
March 17
P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
E
St. Patrick’s Day Public Holiday (Eire & N. Ireland)
E
Monday
2008
ARTU
R
Tuesday
18
Wednesday
19
Thursday
Vernal Equinox
20
“We can all be heroes in our virtues, in our homes, in our lives.”
James Ellis
Year of Our Lord
March
2008
Friday
21
Saturday
22 T
H
D
A Y
B I
R
P A T ROBERTSON ( 1 9 3 0 )
Sunday
Palm Sunday
23
Snakes, I cast thee OUT!!!!
Pay tribute to St. Pat by putting your own house in order this week. If you find any of the following items, or even references to them, you need to cast them out! Snakes On A Plane (Movie)
Black Snake Moan (Movie)
Snakes & Ladders (Boardgame)
Snakeheads (Human traffickers)
‘Snake’ (cellphone game)
Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Wrestler)
Snake Plissken (from Escape from New York / Escape from LA movies)
Solid Snake (from Metal Gear videogames)
People born in Chinese Year of the Snake (1989/77/65/41/ 29/17/05)
Whitesnake (Band)
Snake-Eyes (G.I. Joe)
Snake Eyes (Movie)
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
24
Tuesday
25
Wednesday
26 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
MAHMOUD A B B A S ( 1 9 3 5 )
Thursday
Maundy Thursday
27
“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” C.S. Lewis
Year of Our Lord
2008
Good Friday (Public Holiday UK)
March Friday
28
Saturday
29
Easter Sunday (Public Holiday UK)
Sunday
30
Recipe for a righteous Easter weekend Sometimes kids forget that Easter isn’t about bunnies and eggs, but rather about Our Lord and Master suffering for our sins. Remind them of what’s really important with this object lesson in sacrifice and resurrection. You will need: 2 identical rabbits, 2 planks of hardwood, a willingness to deceive your children 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7)
Buy two rabbits, keeping the existence of one of the rabbits secret Nail one rabbit to a crucifix of your own construction Wait for rabbit to die Bury rabbit in garden Wait three days Present children with second rabbit Cry hallelujah!
March / April
2008
Easter Monday Public Holiday (England, Wales, N.Ireland & Eire)
Monday
31
P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
E
April Fool’s Day
E
Tuesday
1
Year of Our Lord
ARTU
R
Wednesday
2
Thursday
3
“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now Pat Robertson doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different...”
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
4
Saturday
5
Sunday
6
Kellogg ‘Jesus F ’s introduce to Indo ace’ Pop-Tart nesia s
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Theologists adjust
Apple’s subliminal for inflation and declare 714.13 the iPod messages ‘New Number of revealed The Beast’
Bush to Congress: China manufacture Rioting conti “Hell No, I Won’t cheaper, more Go!” effective messiahs Tunbridge Wnues in ells Fox announce 2 Hulk Hogan 4-second Rottin revealed gc subliminal news as head of N channel beauty co orpse wins ew ntest World Orde r A Year’s Rainfall In One Day Chimpanzees stage Defence minister PARIS IN THE CONVENT siege at safari park defends ‘rape directive’ Photos inside!!!
April
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8
Wednesday
9
T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
H U G H H E F N E R ( 1 9 2 6 )
Thursday
10
“Soylent Green is in short supply, so remember -- Tuesday is Soylent Soylent Green (1973) Green day.”
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
11
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
Miracles for Breakfast We’ve all heard the incredible stories of the face of Our Lord appearing in foodstuffs, but if you can’t wait for such a miracle to occur naturally, here are our suggestions for starting the day in a righteous way!
Beginner
Intermediate
Advanced
Crucifix Toast makes breakfast worship easy and fun!
The Madonna and Child fry-up takes a steady hand to perfect.
And the Cornflakes of Christ should only be attempted by experts.
April
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
17
“So far as I can remember, there’s not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.” Bertrand Russell
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
End Times Crossword
Across 1 - Is there a role for Bruce Willis in the end of the world? (10) 6 - Pray with this to get into heaven (5) 7 - Pus-filled lump (4) 8 - 2008 is the Chinese Year of the ___ (3) 10 - Man is to God what Nam is to... (3) 12 - ____ Domini (or Destructus?) (4) 13 - Rev. 15:7 ‘And one of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden _____’ (5) 14 - Now? Soon! (10) Down 1 - Winged servant of God (5) 2 - Greedy or thrifty? The eye of the needle will determine whether this saver is saved (5) 3 - Some believe there are many, but we know of only one and it is Holy (5) 4 - 10 down, south of the border (5) 5 - The final one in the coffin (4) 9 - Awesome destructive power (6) 10 - He is wickedness personified (5) 11 - Add something Extra to Catholic service (5) 12 - This will greet you on your arrival in Heaven (4)
Solution on next page 1
2
3
4
5
6 7 8
9 10
12 13
14
11
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Monday
21
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
A
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S Y
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“Beware of mathematicians... they have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.” St. Augustine
Year of Our Lord
April
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
First Commandment Flowchart
The End Times will be rife with false prophets. If you meet someone claiming to be God, check their credentials with this handy diagram. 34!24 !RE THEY SMILING
.O
$O THEY LOOK LIKE YOU ALWAYS IMAGINED 'OD WOULD
.O
9ES
!RE THEY CARRYING A WEAPON
9ES
.O
3ORT OF )N EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL SERVICES
.O
9ES
4HIS IS A PROSTITUTE S 9E
7EARING A UNIFORM .O 4HIS IS A MUGGER
9ES
7ITH CUT OUT HOLES AROUND THE GENITALS .O 4HIS IS A POLICE OFFICER
9ES
.O $RUGS .O
4HIS IS A TOURIST 9ES
.O
$O THEY APPEAR INTOXICATED
!RE THEY TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES 9ES
.O
4HIS IS A HYPNOTIST
!RE THEY "LACK
9ES 4HIS IS -ORGAN &REEMAN
)N A LANGUAGE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND .O
9ES
$IRECTIONS TO THE STATION
9ES
!RE THEY IN FACT SHOUTING AT YOU
!RE THEY ASKING YOU FOR MONEY
9ES
9E S
$OES THEIR VOICE HAVE A CALMING EFFECT ON YOU .O
9ES
4HIS IS A MAD PERSON
.O
9ES 7ERE THEY IN THE MOVIE @3EVEN .O
.O
9ES
4HIS COULD BE 'OD 4HIS IS A DRUNK PERSON
April / May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
SADDAM HUSSEIN ( 1 9 3 7 )
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30
1
P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
E
Ascension Day
E
Thursday
ARTU
R
“It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.” Frederick Douglass
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
2
Saturday
3
Sunday
4
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES petitions ‘WHORE OF BABYLON’ San Francisco ‘Sodom’ Killer bees hit to be renamed be WINS EUROVISION named to t Johannesburg New Gomorrah ye Parents uneasy Israel announce Church: New ab s out ID c ti is 666 emergency bid to host u EU Ling number ‘utterly 2020 Olympics Centre is “New tattoos for inappropriate’ r Of Babel” under-12s Jackson tem
ple
Towe
Says Expert Texas Woman Gives gets go-ahead Birth To 8 Year Old Boy rs gery offe New sur ry gender swap mbustion tempora Spontaneous co h Asia Vatican reveals secret sweeps throug cannabis plantation
RABIES! RABIES! RABIES!
May Monday
5
Year of Our Lord
2008
May Bank Holiday Public Holiday (UK & Eire)
Tuesday
6
Wednesday
7
Thursday
8
“I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
9
Saturday
10 R
T
H
D
Y
B I
A
B O N O ( 1 9 6 0 )
Sunday
11 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
R
L O U I S FARRAKHAN ( 1 9 3 5 )
Messages From God
Text messaging is everywhere these days. Children seem to spend all their time tapping on the keys of their cellphones. But what messages would the Almighty send? Here we take a look at the Lord’s outbox... LET THR B LITE!
Can`t mk it 2nite - have to work all week. MayB sunday?
I M the lrd thy GOD - thou shalt have 0 other gods b4 me
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Reply
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Mk yrslvs @home, but pls don`t eat the apples (nearly cider season!) ;-)
Noah - u better stock up 4 a month or 2. PS can u swim? LOL
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May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
12
Tuesday
13
Wednesday
14
Thursday
15
“All things truly wicked start from an innocence.”
Ernest Hemingway
Year of Our Lord
May
2008
Friday
16
Saturday
17
Sunday
18
The Seven Sins - Deadly or Day-to-Day? No one is completely free from sin. Check to see whether your transgressions are forgivable or if you’re putting your soul in jeopardy. DAY-TO-DAY
DEADLY
Thinking your wife has a nice ass
Making it with the family dog
Having an extra helping of peas
Eating a member of the clergy
Wanting a pay rise
Embezzling the pension fund
Having a lie-in on Saturday
Consciously defecating in bed
Swearing when your team loses
Killing the opposition supporters
Admiring your friend’s new car
Severing the brake cables
Feeling pleased with your lawn
Showing visitors your penis
May
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
19
Tuesday
20
Wednesday
21
Thursday
Corpus Christi
22
“This work continues. This story goes on. And an angel still rides in George W. Bush the whirlwind and directs this storm. ”
Year of Our Lord
2008
May Friday
23
Saturday
24
Sunday
25
Planning Your Vacation It may seem frivolous to take time off when there’s God’s work to be done, but perhaps you could combine business and pleasure by visiting one of the following destinations and spreading word of the Apocalypse! Rebuilding a synagogue on the Temple Mount is one of the key precursors to the End Times, so why not head to Israel and add your voice to those of the thousands of Muslims and Jews screaming at each other? Alternatively, perhaps you could travel to communist China and spread the Christian gospel to those atheistic reds. They’re sure to be receptive and the food is great! Or for the really bold, spread the End Times message to poverty-stricken Africa. The best thing you can do for poor people is to tell them there’s no point thinking about tomorrow. Here’s your chance to really make a difference!
May Monday
26
Tuesday
Year of Our Lord
2008
Spring Bank Holiday (Public Holiday, UK) Memorial Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Pentecost
27
Wednesday
28
Thursday
29
“History is but the unrolled scroll of prophecy.”
James A. Garfield
Year of Our Lord
May / June
2008
Friday
30
Saturday
31
Trinity Sunday
Sunday
E THE
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B
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11 : 10 A M 1 1. 10 x 6 x 1 x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
Snake-handling added to school curriculum in southern states
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ES FRANCE NRA INVActD ory in 30 days’ Anticipates ‘vi
in pressants e d i t n a e r Th king wate your drin s report
Marilyn Manson appointed to National Council of Churches
Scientist ‘fattest summer on record’
Search is on fo r “America’s Nex t Top Jezebel”
Wilmington, DE agrees to become ‘New Gomorrah’ Hopes
to boost tourist trade with San Fran part nership
Google begins global DNA scan
CEO dismisses privacy concerns
Polygamy Educators union Lenin disapp Luca sp from tomb ears to become refuses to teach C GI Je reviews sus mandatory evolution theory by 2010 The curious case of the two-headed milkman
June Monday
2
Year of Our Lord
2008
June Bank Holiday (Public Holiday, Eire)
Tuesday
3
Wednesday
4
Thursday
5
“Five days shalt thou labour, as the Bible says. The seventh day is the Lord thy God’s. The sixth day is for football.” Anthony Burgess
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
6
Saturday
7
Sunday
8
Football Crazy
The Euro 2008 Football Championships begin on Saturday, so let’s see how a Good Vs Evil match might look. Just pray that it doesn’t go to penalties... Satan bin-Laden
Castro Hitler
Shipman
Stalin
Mathers
Manson Iscariot
Clinton
Moore
Evil XI Evil XI 1 1 Michael M. MooreMoore 2 Iscariot 2 Judas J. Iscariot 3 Hillary Clinton 3 H. Clinton 4 Manson 4 Marilyn M. Manson 5 Mathers 5 Marshall M. Mathers 6 Hitler 6 Adolf A. Hitler 7 Joseph Stalin 7 J. Stalin 8 Shipman 8 Harold H. Shipman 9 Castro 9. Fidel Khadaffi 10 bin-Laden 10 Osama O. bin-Laden 11 Satan 11 Satan RIghteousness Utd. St. F.rancis of Assisi 1 Matthew 2 Mark 3 Luke 4 John 5 Mother Teresa 6 Dalai Lama 7 P.ope Benedict XVI 8 Rush Limbaugh 9 Jesus 10 Joseph 11
Assisi Matthew
Mark
Limbaugh Lama Jesus
Luke
John
Teresa Benedict Joseph
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Monday
9
Tuesday
10
11
P
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12
“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 people running about with lit matches.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
June Friday
13
Saturday
14
Sunday
15
The Thrifty Fundamentalist It’s not easy being righteous, and Heaven knows it’s not always cheap. Here are a few tips to help you stretch your budget. •
Buying books just to burn them is an expensive habit, so why not take advantage of your local library? It’s what it’s there for, after all!
•
Instead of throwing store-bought Eminem CDs onto the bonfire in front of Tower Records, why not create your own from MP3s downloaded off the internet? Just surf, burn and burn again!
•
New moral outrages seem to happen every day. Rather than making new placards each time you protest, simply use a dry-erase whiteboard to express your indignation time after time.
•
Don’t bother with over-priced bottled water. Take a canteen to church and fill it from the font. It’s free and pure!
June
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
16
Tuesday
17
Wednesday
18
Thursday
19
“Becoming extinct has its compensations.”
Will Cuppy
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
20
Saturday
21
Sunday
22
End Times Beachwear
Gas mask
Anti-radiation parasol
Beach spear
Bowie knife
Razor wire
Speargun
Vaccine gun
Lead-lined bikini
June
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
23
Tuesday
24
Wednesday
25
Thursday
26
“I’ve seen the future, brother; it is murder.”
Leonard Cohen
Year of Our Lord
June
2008
Friday
27
Saturday
28
Sunday
29
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
t of Gates: Ou, out UN launches International Microsoft d of thisrewreoverlals Se x Aid onai Billi nbase secret ‘Moo Vista’
Taskforce
Al Qaida : Expect f WEREWO ireworks on July 4th LF IN
BROOKLY
N?
Flesh-eating
All hail the new lepers ladybird s taking s ‘Satanic’ ritual Castle Sea or ds in W at t e str e plac rises mpera ike Madrid Satan tops US Psychic horse wins ture by 2 0 talent ° show in Ohio C : box office General Le MADONNA L v y es seizes powe E REA FDA approv nter H ANTHRAX T u r ’M I co over-the- e-drops in Gua E m morphine ey BABY FOOD WHOR YLON B OF BA Prostitute wins mayoral race SHOCKER
June / July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
30
Tuesday
1
Wednesday
2
Thursday
3
“He who does not punish evil commands it to be done.”
Leonardo da Vinci
Year of Our Lord
July
Independence Day (Public Holiday USA)
Friday
2008
4
Saturday
5
T
Sunday
D
6
Y
G E O WA L B U ( 1 9
H
A
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A Declaration of Independence
Obviously, July 4th is a significant date in US history, but with the way America is heading, you might be wise to sign your own declaration of independence - from the godless, warmongering USA.
UNIVERSAL DECLARATION of INDEPENDENCE from the USA We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal and that as God’s chosen ones we are endowed by the Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Armageddon. We find that the present administration has forsaken the charge given unto them by God and we therefore declare ourselves to be an autonomous nation, apart from the misguided folly that is these United States of America. We hereby sever all bonds, covenants and contracts with the Federal Government of the United States of America and invoke a state of free autonomy from said oppressors. Signed.................................................................................................
July 4, 2008
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8
Wednesday
9 T
H
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A
Y
B I
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ORENTHAL “ O . J . ” SIMPSON ( 1 9 4 7 )
Thursday
10
“Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory.” Jimmy Swaggart
Year of Our Lord
2008
July Friday
11
Battle of The Boyne - Orangemen’s Day (N. Ireland)
Saturday
12
Sunday
13
The End Times Menagerie
As the apocalypse approaches, the laws of nature are thrown into disarray. But are these unsightly beasts the result of meddling scientists or part of His divine plan?
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
H
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B I
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17
R
AYATOLLAH A L I K H AM E N E I ( 1 9 3 9 )
“And he who overcomes, and keeps My works until the end, to him I will give power over the nations” Revelation 2:26
Year of Our Lord
2008
July Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
Advice for the pregnant Christian
As you know, the unbaptized cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven, so it’s imperative this happens as soon as the child is delivered. We recommend using a birthing pool and having a member of the clergy on stand-by. With a few prayers and an extra dunk in the water, your baby will be a member of the church before the umbilical cord is cut. Then you can wait for the rapture, secure in the knowledge that little junior will fly up there with you. Alternatively, put the little bugger up for adoption and let it fend for itself.
© iStockphoto / Joe Klune
As a good Christian woman, you obviously know that the apocalypse could start at any moment and while you’re praying for this to happen, you’re understandably worried about what will happen to your child.
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
21
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
Ferdinand Foch
Year of Our Lord
July
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
When The Looters Come... DO
DON’T
Realise that the safety of you and your family is far more important than any of your possessions
Try and convince the looters that your children will fetch a better price on the open market than your flat-screen TV
Barricade yourself in the most secure room of the house
Shut yourself in the fridge with a shotgun
Remember the exact placement of any traps you lay
Expect Home Alone style hi-jinks from said devices - it will be brutal
Call the police
Call the looters’ parents
Pray for the looters’ salvation
Appeal to their sense of fairness
July
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30
Thursday
31
“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
Carl Sagan
Year of Our Lord
August
2008 Lammas
Friday
1
Saturday
2
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S H I MO N P E R E S ( 1 9 2 3 )
Sunday
3
PLKADEGATHUHIETS!!NY! BLAC
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Reality s how Apple CEO declares himself contesta ‘iGod’ nt c ommits Germany on verg ir Bla e of bankrupt converts suicide on EU ignores calls forcy aid to Islam live TV
Oceanographers report massive tectonic shifts in Pacific basin An Unexpected Melting eyeballs on the rise Ocular combustion rate up 40% Error Has Keynes n o t il M in Occurred Gov. Schwarzenegger Cow runs riot Gates shuttle cr as NRA he comm s ander into lunar surfa dies in San Jose ce confi dent war will be back” on deathbed Freak snowstorm Vows “I’ll be over by Chris tmas POPE IN REHAB hits Europe
August Monday
4
Year of Our Lord
2008
Summer Bank Holiday (Scotland)
Tuesday
5
Wednesday
6
Thursday
7
“All gaming, since it implies a desire to profit at the expense of another, involves a breach of the tenth commandment.”
Whately
Year of Our Lord
August
2008
Friday
8
Saturday
9
Sunday
10
The Red Olympics The 29th Summer Olympics begin this week in Beijing, China. Be on the look-out for the following harbingers of doom. Opening music contains “stupid capitalists” chant
Olympic torch refuses to light
Rifle range ‘goes Colombine’
Runner 666 wins men’s marathon
Allegations of ‘genetically modified’ Pagan streaker breaks into the US athletes cycling velodrome Gender-bending in women’s shot-put
Irradiated medals scandal
August
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
11
Tuesday
12
Wednesday
13
Thursday
14
“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.” William Faulkner
Year of Our Lord
2008 Assumption
August Friday
15
Saturday
16 T
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B I
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P O P E BENEDICTINE X V I ( 1 9 2 7 )
Sunday
17
The Eye of The Needle
If you’re a well-off Christian, you may occasionally wonder about that troublesome bit in the Gospels about rich men entering heaven. Matthew 19:24 states “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” and the sentiment is repeated almost verbatim by Mark and Luke. If you’ve made a good life for yourself on Earth, does that mean you should be punished in the afterlife? Absolutely not! The Space Needle in Seattle is God’s gift to America’s wealthiest citizens. Standing at an impressive 605 feet high, the mighty Space Needle has room for even the most bloated camel to pass through it’s ‘eye’ and is conclusive proof that God loves American millionaires. Hallelujah!
August
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
18
Tuesday
19
Wednesday
20
Thursday
21
“Beware of thinkers whose minds function only when they are fuelled Emile Cioran, Anathemas and Admirations by a quotation.”
Year of Our Lord
August
2008
Friday
22
Saturday
23
Sunday
24
Flood Warning Atheistic scientists may say that increased flooding is due to global warming, but we know that it is God’s divine retribution upon us for buying expensive bottled water. But how to prepare for the floods? Force children to wear lifejackets at all times. They say they’ve been going to swimming lessons, but do you really want to risk it? A freestanding bathtub (properly plugged) makes an excellent makeshift canoe.
A jet-ski may seem like a frivolous purchase, (particularly if you live in a tower block), but when the deluge arrives, you’ll be the envy of all your neighbors! And for the full ‘Noah Experience’, why not convert your garden shed into a mini Ark? Two of every beast may be a squeeze, though...
Photo: Peter Lindberg
August Monday
25
Year of Our Lord
2008
Summer Bank Holiday (England, Wales, N.Ireland)
Tuesday
26
Wednesday
27
Thursday
28
“I read the news today Oh boy...”
The Beatles, A Day In The Life
Year of Our Lord
2008
August Friday
29
Saturday
30
Sunday
31
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES Schools Scientists baffled by distribute London owned by rats or ‘Lazarus syndrome’ UNISAT and pigeons, says may Paramount Halley’s comet returns 53 Boo-yaka! ‘shag packs’ ts en d u st to Gen. Levy greenlights years ahead of schedule oms, Includes cond pills r te af declares war ng ni or m DVD Bin-Laden es v r and Ben Dover e s on USA t n a s biopic Restaur flesh to diner Volcanic eruptions man El-Haaj Blair goes into hiding hu decimate Ireland ial or em m C s WT ld a Reality suicide McDon goes up in flames r e h show s producers o K s n tur hington residents put Was consi der celebrity Diana memorial event t under house arrescurfew spin-off turns into bloodbath No explanation given for
September Monday
1
Year of Our Lord
2008
Labor Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
2
Wednesday
3
Thursday
4
“We are fools for Christ…”
Corinthians 4:10
Year of Our Lord
2008
September Friday
5
Saturday
6
Sunday
7
The Satanic Dinosaur Conspiracy Atheistic ‘scientists’ often cite the existence of dinosaurs as a means of discrediting the creation story and the Garden of Eden. Fortunately, most Christians know the truth - namely that dinosaurs were created by Satan to deceive mankind about its true origin and create doubt in the Almighty Father. But few are aware of the fact that dinosaurs are not actually extinct and in fact currently live in secret among us. Able to make themselves appear human when needed, these Satanic emissaries are the secret puppet-masters of the modern world, occupying positions of power across the globe. No government is safe from infiltration and the dinosaurs are hell-bent on the persecution of good, moral believers like you and I. So next time somebody tells you not to picket the abortion clinic, take a long, hard look at them. They might just be a dinosaur...
September
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
8
Tuesday
9
Wednesday
10
Thursday
11
“Be not afraid of any man no matter what his size; when danger threatens, call on me, and I will equalize.” Motto on a Colt revolver
Year of Our Lord
September
2008
Friday
12
Saturday
13
Sunday
14
The New Twin Towers - horribly unbalanced 7 years on from the 9/11 and the images still have the power to shock. But consider the extent of the carnage resulting from the wars that followed. Say a prayer for all those who have lost their lives as a result - irrespective of where they were born. Coalition Troops in Afghanistan (679) Northern Alliance (200) Afghan Security Forces (2,930) Taliban & Al Qaida combatants (10,000 est.) Afghan Civilians (7,300) Aid, press and media workers in Iraq (229) Contract Workers in Iraq (933) Coalition Military in Iraq (297) US Military in Iraq (3,760) Iraqi Civilians (74,000) Hijackers (19) People still reported as missing (24) Victims In Pentagon (125) Victims in New York (2,603) Passengers (246)
120000 100000 80000 60000 40000 20000 0
9/11 DEATHS
DEATHS FROM RESULTING WARS
Sources: USA Today, NPR, iraqbodycount.org, BBC News, CNN. Statistics compiled August 2007. Where ranges are estimated, the median figure is used.
September
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
15
Tuesday
16
Wednesday
17
Thursday
18
“Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion Pat Buchanan is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
September Friday
19
Saturday
20
Sunday
21
Pray your own way! All of us love to pray, but perhaps you’re getting a little tired of the traditional ‘on the knees’ position. Why not try these alternatives to put a new twist on your conversations with God?
September 22
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Autumnal Equinox
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Monday
Year of Our Lord
ARTU
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Tuesday
23
Wednesday
24
Thursday
25
“The United States is not a Christian nation any more than it is a The Treaty of Tripoli (January 4, 1797) Jewish or a Mohammedan nation.”
Year of Our Lord
September
2008
Friday
26
Saturday
27
Sunday
28
El-Haaj Blair tops FBI ‘Most Wanted’ list
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ldren Genetically modified chi ics excel at Special Olymp
Paris in Paris launches g Sister Hilton entertains NRA troops Amazon in h c a e r ic ore Atlant online WMD st t, in o p g K in A-BO boil Rastafarianism warns WAR ON OOM!!!!BRITNEY: t is t n ie now secondc T s E GOES NUCLRROR I’m a born- largest religion EAR CCTV in every hom e again virgin in US ‘No saf by end of year says e d hiding p Home Secretary Worl ew from fa lace’ Sell your soul Seanounces n s’ ll-out, an en Seal at on eBay Massacre ount PM warns ‘Sev mal show M le p mam Tem Gambling restrictions axed
September / October
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
29
Tuesday
30 T
H
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B I
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E H U D O L M E R T ( 1 9 4 5 )
Wednesday
1
Thursday
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“You go into it as a business and you treat it like a business.”
MarJoe Gortner, former child evangelist
Year of Our Lord
2008
October Friday
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Saturday
4
Sunday
5
Behold a pale horse... Four Horsemen? In the 21st century?! Don’t be surprised if they arrive on something a little more swish. . .
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Monday
6
7
P
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B I
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S I M O N COWELL ( 1 9 5 9 )
Wednesday
8
Thursday
9
“Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,” 2 Peter 3:3
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Friday
10
Saturday
11
Sunday
12
Judgement Day Jumble - Find the words hidden in the chaos! G
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Solution on next page
BURNING DEATH DROUGHT FAMINE GREAT BEAST HORSEMEN HOWLING JUDGEMENT LOCUST PLAGUE RAPTURE TRUMPET WAILING WAR WRATH
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Columbus Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Monday
13
Tuesday
14
Wednesday
15
Thursday
16 G
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“We are in hell, my dear - there is never a mistake and people are not Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit damned for nothing.”
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Friday
17
Saturday
18
Sunday
19
cinataS syawla t’nera segassem sdrawkcaB Like any good Christian, you probably only ever listen to popular music backwards so that you can check for evil hidden messages. Here are a few which eschew Satanism for something more positive. “Obey your parents. Do your homework. Winners don’t do drugs.” from the ‘Are Friends Electric’ LP by Information Society “What are you looking for the devil for, when you ought to be looking for the Lord?” from ‘Judas Kiss’ by Petra “She’s worried about you, call your mother.” from ‘Michael’ by Franz Ferdinand “Hello, how are you? I’m fine, ‘cause I know that the Lord is coming soon,” from ‘Darling Nikki’ by Prince “Annuit Cœptis, Novus Ordo Seclorum” (“God has favored our undertakings”) from ‘Heavy Metal Poisoning’ by Styx
October
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
20
Tuesday
21
Wednesday
22
Thursday
23
“All of a sudden it’s closer to the end than the beginning, and death is suddenly a perceptible thing to me, with definable features.” Network (1976)
Year of Our Lord
October
2008
Friday
24
Saturday
25
Sunday
26
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
ts INSIDE: ELVIS LIVES IN BRIGHTON Eat your friends Satanist cult ge to prevent famine g in d n a lottery fu Gibraltar sinks into the se Presidential deadlock goes Pensioners freeze in Archbishop defends unexpected cold snap into overtime human sacrifice Catwalks crazy Dirty dog-lovers step out of Will th for leper chic please setarenal Saddam the shadows g n i b d up? Pressure group demands Raft of im al bom r d equal rights for bestial e it h at t or s cast doub Ca drid on executio relationships ts n Anthrax epidemic in Ma sweeps New Zealand D T LEGALIZE Lohan and the pony
INCES
‘Zombie’ Schwarzenegger demands access to state legislature
Bring me your ders children, PM or
Construction completed on Jackson temple
October Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
October Bank Holiday (Eire)
27
Tuesday
28
Wednesday
29
Thursday
30
“I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.”
Linus Van Pelt
Year of Our Lord
2008
October / November Friday
Halloween
31
Saturday
1
Sunday
2
Halloween - Get behind thee Satan! Don’t let this satanic holiday jeopardize your place in heaven. Simply replace the ‘traditional’ blasphemy with something more righteous. TRADITIONAL BLASPHEMY Bobbing for apples Harry Potter readings Fun-size Mars Bars Witches hats and vampire fangs Ghost stories “Trick or Treat!”
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE Children’s ducking stools Salem Witch trial re-enactments Pocket Bibles Nun’s habits and vicar’s dog collars Confessionals “Repent or die!”
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
3
Tuesday
4
Wednesday
5
Thursday
6
“If people don’t want to defend themselves, they deserve to die.”
Ted Nugent
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
7 T
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B I
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B I L L Y GRAHAM ( 1918 )
Saturday
8
Sunday
9
US Elections - A choice between good and evil
America goes to the polls on Tuesday to determine the 44th President of the USA. Even though the candidates weren’t announced at the time of going to press, the contenders probably stack up like this... Democrat nominee
Republican nominee
A smart East-coast liberal who tells you that you are wrong and scolds you for buying a Hummer
A folksy southern guy who tells you what you want to hear and then gets a hummer from his secretary
Wants to spend American money on foreigners and crack-heads
Wants to spend American money on foreign wars and mercenaries
Believes in health care for all and a restrictive system of gun control
Believes in guns for all and a restrictive system of health care
Attends church only when TV cameras are around
Is guided by the voice of God emanating from his waffle-maker
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
10
Tuesday
11
Veteran’s Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Wednesday
12
Thursday
13
“Every man has a paradise around him till he sins, and the angel of Longfellow an accusing conscience drives him from his Eden.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
November Friday
14 T
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CONDOLEEZA R I C E ( 1 9 5 4 )
Saturday
15
Sunday
16
Fire and Ice Robert Frost, 1920
Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To know that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Monday
17
Tuesday
18
Wednesday
19
Thursday
20
“Out of the dark we came, into the dark we go.” H. Rider Haggard, King Solomon’s Mines
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
21
Saturday
22
Sunday
23
A plague upon your house...
We all know about the amazing therapeutic powers of prayer, but the End Times brings with it some rather nasty new diseases.
Crucipox is unsightly, but generally harmless. These cross-shaped pustules itch terribly, but that’s about it.
Viral Stigmata is passed on through physical contact, so avoid shaking hands with those afflicted.
Lucifer Syndrome causes scabs to cover the entire body while small white horns appear on the skull.
November
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
24
Tuesday
25
Wednesday
26
27
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Thursday
ARTU
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“Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, vibrations in the mind of Bill Hicks the one true God whose name is love.”
Year of Our Lord
November
2008
Friday
28
Saturday
29
Advent Sunday
Sunday
30
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
s trongest reme Court deemfor up S World’s S ry Bush admits: I heard voices abortion mandatoles woman Man is a up co e ac ou!” mixed-r
“Fodeonlt’es dinayugural
TERROR
The truth about NETWORK Fried fish straight Presi shocks the nation rats and blogs OFFERS from the oc address ean FRE E Klan rides to ROSOFT IC M OF F-P EAK NRA’s aid in RCH Nuns laugh as UYS CHU CA LLS B TOLOGY Boulogne Paris burns OF SCIEN Televised crucifixion NASA probe sees Mysterious Paedophiles to go ahead in Texas happenings win right to face of Reagan on lunar surface at SeaWorld teach gym Italy declares martial law
December Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
St. Andrews Day (Scotland)
1
Tuesday
2 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
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BRITNEY S P E A R S ( 1 9 8 1 )
Wednesday
3
Thursday
4
“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” George Bernard Shaw
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
5
Saturday
6
Sunday
7
Better to freeze on Earth than burn in Hell Winter will be in full effect by the time you read this, but rest assured that this is all part of God’s plan. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to protect yourself from the cold, however, so here are our top tips for staying warm this December. •
Burning books is a great way to generate cheap heat.
•
Don’t waste money insulating the loft - simply buy enough lagging to cover your body and you can wear your insulation wherever you go!
•
Don’t be tempted to drink alcohol to warm up - it actually lowers body temperature and exacerbates the situation.
•
Rubbing goose fat on your body is an excellent way to keep warm, but it will mean you smell like Colonel Saunders.
•
Family pets can easily be converted into cosy fur pelts.
December Monday
Year of Our Lord
2008
Immaculate Conception
8
Tuesday
9
Wednesday
10
Thursday
11
“Lord have mercy on my enemies, ‘cause I sure as hell won’t.”
Gen. George S. Patton
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
12
Saturday
13
Sunday
14
When Angels Attack! So you think the angels in the End Times are going to be strumming harps and preaching sweetness and light? Think again! These are the warriors of God and they’re coming in all guns blazing!
December
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
15
Tuesday
16
Wednesday
17
Thursday
18
“Some businessmen are saying this could be the greatest Christmas Art Fettig ever. I always thought that the first one was.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
December Friday
19
Saturday
20
Sunday
21
Who is this Santa guy anyway? Sadly, most people nowadays believe Christmas celebrates the birth of Santa Claus rather than Jesus Christ. Idolatrous worship of this ruddycheeked fat man has led to the commercialization of the most sacred feast in the Christian calendar. With this in mind, we urge you to fight the cult of Father Christmas by passing on these tidbits to any children you meet. • • • • • •
Santa wipes his bottom on every third present he puts under the tree His ‘elves’ are in fact pygmy love-slaves purchased on the internet The fact that he ‘loves children’ but has to sneak into their houses at night is because he’s a registered sex offender During the off-season, Santa uses his house-entry skills to steal drugs from hospitals Mention that the suicide rate in the Arctic circle is staggeringly high And the fact that ‘Santa’ is an anagram of ‘ Satan’ is no coincidence.
December
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
22
Tuesday
23
Wednesday
24
25
P
D
OS
EP
SIBL
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Christmas Day (Public Holiday, UK, Eire, USA)
E
Thursday
ARTU
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T
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B I
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J E S U S C H R I S T ( 0 0 0 0 )
“Do give books — religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They’re never Lenore Hershey fattening, never sinful, and permanently personal.”
Year of Our Lord
2008
Boxing Day (Public Holiday UK & Eire)
December Friday
26
Saturday
27
Sunday
28
Happy Birthday Jesus!
It’s Jesus’s birthday and he’s throwing a party in heaven. The good news is that you’re already on the guest list, but here are some handy hints to ensure you don’t embarrass yourself on His special day. • Dress humbly - the Lord isn’t interested in bling, so kick off those diamond sling-backs and get yourself some hand-made sandals. • By all means BYOB, but don’t expect Him to transform water into wine. Brandishing an Evian bottle and demanding he transform it into Chardonnay will only make you look cheap. • Gifts should be thoughtful, but not flashy. Bear in mind that all the bookshops and Virgin Megastores have been destroyed in the Apocalypse, so vouchers are a no-no. • Don’t try to get off with Mary Magdelene, no matter what you may have heard about her past. • Leave when asked. God’s bouncers don’t let anyone mess with the Big Man and lingering too long will see you ejected down below.
December / January
Year of Our Lord
2008 2008 /2009
Monday
29 T
H
D
A
Y
B I
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BERNARD CRIBBINS ( 1 9 2 8 )
Tuesday
30
Wednesday
31
Thursday
1
“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan whoever is around to be loved.”
Still here? Why not order
The End Times Diary 2009 If you’re reading this, then it means one of two things - either the Rapture hasn’t happened quite when we thought it would (unlikely), or you’re one of the heathens left on Earth to deal with the ravages of the apocalypse. Either way, why not order the 2009 edition of The End Times Diary and mark out those important dates in the year ahead? Our team of unsaved sales agents will be ready and waiting to take your order. If you can find a computer that hasn’t been infected with the virus that has crashed the entire world economy, then visit www.waywardpress.co.uk for information and ordering details.
The End Times Diary is the essential guide to the impending apocalypse and features valuable information that might just save your soul! Using the Book of Revelation as its basis, The End Times Diary prophesizes the events that will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation and Second Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Week-by-week, The End Times Diary lays out everything you need to know: when the devil is at his strongest, potential troublespots, survival techniques and handy hints for the fundamentalist Christian. Be under no illusions: The end IS nigh!
Cover illustration © iStockphoto / Tomasz Rzymkiewicz
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