"the Dickless Wonder" - Pilot Script

THE DICKLESS WONDER “THE PILOT” Created by Josh Mitchell Written by Josh Mitchell

JOSH MITCHELL WICKID PISSA FILMS [email protected]

http://www.youtube.com/wickidpissafilms

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MAIN CHARACTERS RICHARD RINKLES is a club promoter and consummate bachelor who treats women like decorations at a junior high dance: he tramples on them the next day. His good looks are as undeniable as his indecent tendencies. RONNIE RINKLES is Richard’s dweebish younger brother who never could close the deal with chicks until Richard loses his most prized possession. He takes full advantage of his brother’s predicament by scooping up every lady that Richard has to deny. DARLENE RINKLES is Richard and Ronnie’s straight-laced older sister and their surrogate mom, which includes but isn’t limited to, daily pious and judgmental finger-pointing and constant scolding. She vigorously shakes her head every time she wants to emphasize an acid-etched point. She is the Dean of Science and Environmental Studies at an all-female university. LESTER JESTER, “The Sex Toy Tester”, is an albino witch doctor who pays his bills by testing new cutting-edge sex toys. His days of wrestling have given him a great appreciation of delivering justice. LATEESHA JESTER is Lester’s younger sister. She’s tall, pretty and proud. She never hides her propensity for overconfident white men. If ever convicted of murder, she would stride off to the gas chamber wearing high heels and earrings. MARIBEL BARRIO is a bleeding heart liberal and the director of a non-profit company that provides shelter and food for homeless people. Her main hobby is photography, but neither an extreme wide-angle lens nor an x-ray machine could capture her inner beauty. FRANK RINKLES is the cropped-haired, soft-spoken patriarch of the Rinkles clan who once demonstrated advanced dementia to get out of jury duty. He is a mailman and has the sculpted calves to prove it.

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ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM – NIGHT RICHARD stands over a BENT-OVER BEAUTY, studying his facial expressions in the mirror as he screws the girl from behind like an epileptic Elvis. She WAILS like Pavarotti stubbing his toe. For him, this sex act is strictly textbook and as yawn-inducing as listening to NPR during a marathon bubble bath. RICHARD (rolling his eyes) Oh, yeah, baby, I’m giving you the Grade-A, VIP, all-you-can-eat buffet treatment. More MOANING. INT. DIFFERENT BEDROOM – NIGHT Richard has athletic sex with a petite GORGEOUS GIRL in a different bedroom. This time the girl is on top, looking down at him. RICHARD How’s it feel to have the best view in the city? PETITE GIRL (not getting it) What view? My apartment is below street level so all I see are wobbly women in discounted shoes. RICHARD No, I mean – forget it.

4 And then, MOANING from the pleasured pixie. INT. DANCE CLUB – COAT ROOM – NIGHT Richard has wild sex with a FEMALE MODEL-TYPE in the back of the coat room of a high-profile dance club. He holds her up and they pinball off the walls. RICHARD You like it rough, huh? GIRL Don’t stop. RICHARD Don’t worry about that. You’re getting the Michael Jackson special: “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough”. She GROANS with pleasure. RICHARD (CONT’D) Welcome to The Jungle. They both finish and he instantly lets go of his grip, letting the half-naked starlet slink awkwardly to the floor like a corpse falling out of a coffin. RICHARD (CONT’D) Can you hand me my car keys while you’re down there, sweetheart? INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM – NIGHT Richard stands in his bathroom, primping. He inspects his nostrils for visible nose hair. Satisfied, he then employs an assortment of gels and sprays to style his hair for work. After much tweaking and combing, he stops and stares in the mirror to appreciate his work. RICHARD

5 Damn. You are one sexy beast. He leans in closer to fully scrutinize his manly mug. RICHARD (CONT’D) (BEAT) How did you get so good at fucking? His own words puzzle him. RICHARD (CONT’D) How did I get so good at fucking? FLASHBACK: INT. POST OFFICE – DAY Richard stands in the back of the post office, talking to his mail-man dad, FRANK RINKLES. TITLE CARD reads: “Earlier that day.” RICHARD Dad, are you a good fucker? Frank nervously scans a nearby MOTHER and her CHILD buying stamps, but both are distracted at the moment and pay no attention. FRANK (under his breath) Excuse me? RICHARD Did you wax a lot of broads before Mom? FRANK (considers, then:) Actually, son, your mother is my one and only. RICHARD What? You’ve only been with one chick in your entire life? The

6 only thing worse would be to admit that you suck at oral. FRANK Well, I’ll be honest: I once grazed Paula Ryan’s boob at Boy Scout camp. RICHARD That’s pathetic, Dad. I gotta go. FRANK OK. Don’t tell your sister about the whole second base incident. She wouldn’t understand. RICHARD. No problem. I’ll see you later. BACK TO PRESENT: INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – NIGHT Richard is in the same position as before, admiring himself in the mirror. Then, it dawns on him. His mouth forms such a lop-sided grin that his lips actually look like a squiggly line. RICHARD I must be a mama’s boy. Way to go, Mommy Dearest! He kills the lights and darts out of the room. EXT. DINGY APARTMENT – NIGHT Richard pulls up in his shiny car and HONKS the horn. RONNIE RINKLES, his younger brother, comes jogging out sporting club-kid attire and climbs into the car. INT. CAR (MOVING) – NIGHT RICHARD Did you know that Dad has never been with any other chick besides

7 Mom? RONNIE You didn’t? Richie, the guy is as sexual as a neutered nun. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has only hit it three times in his life. Hence, me, you and Darlene. RICHARD Come on, what about the poster of Angelina Jolie he has hanging in his cubicle? RONNIE I asked him about that and instead of commenting on her bee-stung lips and killer tits, he said he respected her philanthropy in third-world nations. RICHARD He said that? RONNIE Yeah, if you ask me, I think he’s more into Jon Voight. RICHARD “Midnight Cowboy” is one of his favorite movies. RONNIE I’m talking about him being a midnight cowboy that frequents “Brokeback Mountain”-Richard’s cell phone RINGS, interrupting. He checks the caller ID: Coat Check Chick. RONNIE Who is it? RICHARD It’s the coat check girl from The Galaxy. I threw a good

8 fuck at her the other night and she won’t stop calling me. RONNIE You banged that coat check girl? Whoa! She’s smokin’. RICHARD Yeah, well, her breath smells like a bucket of raw hamster farts. INT. CLUB – NIGHT A trendy and spacious club with a large dance floor. Everyone prepares the space for a busy Saturday night. Richard and Ronnie walk in and all the SHOT GIRLS and BARTENDERS stare at them. The two brothers exchange fist handshakes with a few BOUNCERS and then set up shop by the stage. RICHARD (To Ronnie) Here’s the guest list. Tonight is DJ Jenga so the place is gonna be packed. Do not let in any meatballs or any of your stump-ugly hoes. Text me if you have any problems. I’ll be catering to the talent. They both look over and take note of the handful of scantily-dressed shot girls. RONNIE Can I come over with you? Richard just stares at him. RONNIE (CONT’D) I promise I won’t say anything. RICHARD (BEAT) OK. But you better keep your mouth shut this time.

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They walk over to the cluster of sexy shot girls. RICHARD (CONT’D) Hello, ladies, are we ready to make some money tonight? You’re all looking really slutty and loose so it should be a good night. I will be bouncing around the room making sure all runs smoothly so grab me if you have any problems. RONNIE I’ll be out front if-Richard gives him a stern look as he interrupts: RICHARD Have some fun tonight, girls. EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE CLUB – NIGHT LESTER JESTER and his sister, LATEESHA, dash out of a cab and walk in the direction of the club. Lester is draped entirely in black attire and his white hair is sprouted up like a field of wheat. With animal bones dangling from his earlobes and a bone amulet around his neck, he looks like a welfare version of a witch doctor – which he is. LATEESHA Lester, I can’t believe you agreed to go clubbing with me. You’re the best brother. LESTER It’s your birthday and I know how you love DJ Jenga. LATEESHA How do I look? LESTER Like a food-deprived Spice Girl.

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She smiles and struts ahead, with Lester in tow. EXT. CLUB – NIGHT There’s a long line of CLUB HOPEFULS snaked around the corner and in front of the club. Ronnie stands by the velvet rope and slowly lets in the sexiest people first. Three HOT CHICKS push their way to the front. They look more ready for a pep-rally than for a nightclub. HOT CHICK #1 Hey, Ronnie! RONNIE Hey, ladies. HOT CHICK #1 Is Richie here tonight? RONNIE Yeah, he’s here. HOT CHICK #1 Can you tell him that Monica, Lauren and Amber are out front? RONNIE He’s busy right now. INT. CLUB – MOP CLOSET – SAME Richard is going to town on a BUSTY SHOT GIRL in the mop closet. Their passion burns with lust like two tiki torches atop an active volcano. He is breathing hard, using gentlemanly brute-force on his female conquest while also text messaging a friend from his cell phone. He grows frustrated. He outstretches his arm, holding his cell phone above his head. No luck. RICHARD

11 Damn. No reception. EXT. CLUB – NIGHT Ronnie educates the trio of hotties. HOT CHICK #2 How do you know he’s busy? RONNIE I know Richie. HOT CHICK #3 Well, can you just let us in then? RONNIE He’ll be out in a few minutes. As if on cue, Richard pops out the club door. RICHARD Ronnie, no more. We’re at capacity. HOT CHICK #1 Hey, Richie, can you let us in? He pauses and gives them a good once-over. HOT CHICK #2 We’ll discreetly rub your naughty bits on the dance floor. He gives an “Alright, let those hos in” wave to Ronnie. As the ladies shuffle in, Lester muscles his way to the front of the line and gets Richard’s attention. LESTER Yo, my man. Can I talk to you? RICHARD What’s good? LESTER This is good.

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He awkwardly places a $20 bill in Richard’s hand. Richard looks at the money, puts it in his pocket, and as he walks away... RICHARD Thanks, my man. Lester boils with anger and slinks back in line with Lateesha. LATEESHA We all set? Lester, clearly upset, shakes his head. LATEESHA (CONT’D) Well, I ain’t missing Jenga’s set. Follow me. She bolts out of line, beelines it for Ronnie. LATEESHA (CONT’D) Hi, honey. Listen, it’s my birthday and me and my brother were hoping you’d let us in. RONNIE Why do my hands feel empty? Oh, because they are. Lateesha gives a pouty look to Lester. He gets it. He digs into his wallet and dukes Ronnie a few bills. As they head into the club, DARLENE, Richard and Ronnie’s older sister, approaches the front line. DARLENE Hi, Ronnie. RONNIE Hi, Darlene.

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DARLENE Listen, I need you to remind our promiscuous brother about the commitment he made in regard to my upcoming sperm drive. RONNIE No problem. I could come too. He laughs at his own juvenile humor. Darlene, cool and steely, stands ramrod straight. DARLENE Sorry, there are strict candidate qualifications and, unfortunately, someone who masturbates more than they eat is not a priority. RONNIE Oh, well, maybe next year. DARLENE I doubt it. She hands him a brown paper bag that she has been hiding behind her back. Ronnie gets giddy. RONNIE If this is your minestrone soup, I might just hump the nearest parking meter. DARLENE I could give you a fried shit sandwich and you’d still think of violating a public fixture. Ronnie thinks about it and then digs into the soup. DARLENE (CONT’D) Enjoy. And don’t forget to remind Don Juan DeDildo about my event. RONNIE

14 I will. No problem. INT. CLUB – DANCE FLOOR - LATER Lateesha stands near the strobe lights, sipping two Raspberry Stoli drinks like they’re lemonade. She shakes her ass to the thumping MUSIC, but she’s clearly more into pounding cocktails than she is into bumping and grinding. Lester rushes up to her, concerned. They scurry off to a quieter place - away from the pulsating dance floor. LESTER (shouting) This place is weird, man. I need nightvision goggles and latex gloves just to move around. Why do dudes get bar code tattoos on their neck, then look at me as if I’m goth? LATEESHA Lester, do you love me? LESTER Yes. LATEESHA Then shut up and hold one of my drinks so I don’t look like an inebriated skank. He gives a conspiratorial nod, then takes her drink. LATEESHA (CONT’D) I think he’s coming back. LESTER Who? LATEESHA The man I’m gonna fall madly in bed with.

15 Lester searches the crowd for this so-called stud. LESTER Really? I’ve only seen three normal dudes in the whole damn place. They let in more homeless people than regular guys just trying to get laid. LATEESHA Shoo! He’s walking towards us. (quietly, to Lester) Go mingle or something. Lester gets the hint and darts off into the darkness. Lateesha strikes a pose. Richard struts over to Lateesha in his trademark I-own-this-freakin’-city way. RICHARD Sorry about that, sexy. I had to toss out some loser wearing a mock-turtleneck. LATEESHA It’s all good. RICHARD Where were we? Oh, right, my brother. I am the closest thing he has to an actual friend and he continues to wallow in the intimate details of my ex-girlfriends. LATEESHA How many exes do you have? RICHARD (lying) Not many. Richard notices something in the distance, stares off towards the bar, sees a slight scuffle between a HEAVY-SET BOUNCER and a WELL-DRESSED GUY. He watches as both men simmer down, no real sign of

16 disorder. He returns his focus to Lateesha. LATEESHA You have nice hands. I own a nail salon. I recognize the results of a good paraffin wrap. RICHARD Flattery travels fast, Lateesha. LATESSHA I wanna go fast, Richard. Richard smiles, liking her bluntness and, perhaps, her drunkenness even more. He begins to erotically rub her lower back. She licks her lips catlike. She’s ready to make her move. She whips around and by cradling the back of his head, she pushes in for a feisty make-out session. Richard breaks, coming up for air. RICHARD I can’t do this. I have a deeply religious, moralistic streak. LATEESHA Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. They return to their wet and wild kissing. INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – LATER THAT NIGHT Richard and Lateesha cook in the kitchen, so to speak. They have such sweaty and loud sex that their animated MOANING drowns out the humming refrigerator. Lateesha sprawls out on the countertop while Richard, shirtless and exposed, with his pants and boxers around his ankles, stands in front of her. Lateesha reaches that strangely poetic, climatic point. Her glistening legs entangled around his waist, squeezing tightly, tightly, tighter--

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INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NEXT MORNING Richard sits upright in bed, talking nonstop on his cell phone to Ronnie. RICHARD (on phone) Are you confirming the details for The White Party tonight? INT. DINER – MORNING Ronnie sits by himself in a booth, wolfing down a skyscraper-high stack of pancakes. RONNIE (on phone; in between bites) Of course I am. What do you think I’m doing? He pours a few drops of maple syrup in a take-out cup, secures the top, and sneaks it in his pocket. INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM RICHARD I think you’re saving remnants of maple syrup to use as a lubricant later tonight. INT. DINER - MORNING Ronnie is busted. He looks around, paranoid. RONNIE Did you hook up last night? (takes a sip of juice) You were your usual blend of drunk and a dickhead. INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM RICHARD Yup. Chalk up another meaningless one-night-stand.

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He rubs his eyes, a bit agitated. RICHARD (CONT’D) It was different this time though. I had some reservations. RONNIE Because you realize these random hook-ups have prevented you from building character and common sense? RICHARD No, I mean, I actually had reservations. Dinner reservations. With a much hotter chick. RONNIE You are my idol. Richard laughs and the CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL... LATEESHA lying in bed, under the covers, with her back to Richard. She’s wide awake. Richard, who doesn’t notice or doesn’t care that Lateesha is alert, continues his bragging until... INT. LESTER’S LOFT – DAY Lester is in shamanic witchcraft mode: he boils some liquid concoction in a small earthen pot while mumbling monotonous chants. LESTER Sree Gurudev Datta… (very serious) Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang… (still serious) Boogedy, boogedy boo.

19 The doorbell RINGS, interrupting his “traditional” chanting. Lester jumps into action – he goes over to... A BIRTHDAY CAKE aglow with lighted candles and crayon-colored frosting. He affixes a paper, cone-shaped “Happy Birthday” hat atop his head, pulling the elastic down under his chin. He scoops up a piece of cake on a plate. The doorbell RINGS again. Then RINGS again. Lester swings open the door to reveal... LATEESHA in the doorframe, pissed-off and tear-stained. She is wearing the same wrinkled dress from the night before and her stockings, shoes and hair have all seen better days. LESTER (starting to sing) “HAPPY BIR—“ LATESSHA (interrupting) --Fuck that shit. She barrels into the apartment. LESTER Calm down, Lateesha. (closing the door) Twenty-eight is the new twenty-five. Lateesha grabs hold of one of her broken-heeled shoes, removing it. She walks off-balance to the couch. LATEESHA I’m not upset about my age, Lester. In fact, I’m wildly

20 grateful that I’m of legal age to bear arms! She plunks herself on the cushions. LESTER What happened last night? Lateesha begins to sob uncontrollably. EXT. OUTDOOR PRODUCE MARKET – CHINATOWN - DAY Lester stops at every street vendor and buys a variety of fruits, vegetables and herbs. No ginger root is too big or too oddly-shaped for our ghetto genie. INT. LESTER’S LOFT – DAY Lester talks with a DELIVERY MAN at his front door. Brown and orange bird feathers are strung loosely around his neck, along with a leather-bound canteen. DELIVERY MAN Lester, man, thanks for the “Domestic Love” Kama Sutra book. My wife loved the chapter on anal sex and housework. Lester signs the clipboard and hands it back to him. LESTER Intimacy is not just for the bedroom, Martin. Foreplay can begin with a dish towel. Delivery Man slaps him on the back, then leaves. Lester walks over to his small kitchen where he has a big gumbo stirring. He consults a beat-up cookbook and then grabs an array of exotic spices off the table and throws everything but the kitchen sink into his curious brew.

21 He grabs a strangely-shaped wooden oar and stirs his creation. EXT. CHIC RESTAURANT – NIGHT Richard stands at the front door of a chic restaurant and reviews the guest list for an upscale private party happening inside. Two EXOTIC WOMEN plea with him to get in. RICHARD Now, ladies, if I let you in, what kind of message will that send to the guests waiting patiently in line? EXOTIC WOMAN #1 Yeah, but we know people. RICHARD Who do you know? EXOTIC WOMAN #2 (searching) We know...you. Richard gives them a good once-over. RICHARD Alright. Maybe we will actually know each other later on. The ladies kiss him on the cheek and hustle in. As Richard wipes the hot pink lipstick from his face, TWO NERDS walk over and try to mimic the antics. NERD #1 Hey, we know people. RICHARD (point blank) No, you don’t. NERD #2 Yeah, you’re right.

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They walk away, literally bumping into Lester, who is dressed down, but still sporting his voodoo attire. LESTER Boo. The nerds SCREAM and then trot away like school girls. Lester lurks behind a cuddling COUPLE and spies on both Richard and the front door, unnoticed. A brutish BOUNCER walks out and yells over to Richard: BOUNCER Richie, they need you in the kitchen. Richard heads inside. Lester, sensing an opportunity, makes his move for the front door. The coast is clear until the bouncer sticks out his hulking forearm, which looks like a bat you would use to club a baby seal. BOUNCER Can I help you? LESTER I’m with Richie. BOUNCER (doubting) You’re with Richie? LESTER Yeah, I’m his, uh, uh, kitchen coordinator. The big bouncer stares at him, skeptical. LESTER (CONT’D) Come on, my man. I don’t want

23 to be responsible for burnt crab cakes. He pulls his muscled forearm away. BOUNCER (excited) We got crab cakes tonight? Hurry up, homey! Lester rushes inside and he immediately does his best to fit in with the well-dressed PARTY PEOPLE. He gallantly grabs a glass of champagne off a passing server’s tray. Sips. Then, scans the room for Richard. A group of old white BUSINESS MEN walk over, laughing hysterically. Lester musters up a loud guffaw in an effort to meld with the A-listers. LESTER (cracking up) It’s so funny. The same thing happened to my yacht last week. They abruptly stop their laughing and give him a strange look. Lester hoists his glass and hustles away. INT. CHIC RESTAURANT – BAR SECTION – LATER Richard stands close to a bosomy, big-haired STARLET in a crowded section by the bar. They both sip on neon martinis. RICHARD Personally, I think the group thing is unnatural. I mean, if it was right, God would have given us two dicks. STARLET Two dicks? That might not be a terrible thing.

24 RICHARD Would you like another drink? STARLET Yes. RICHARD (dead serious) Great. Could you get me one while you’re at it? The girl pauses with indecision. RICHARD (CONT’D) I’m just fucking with ya. I’ll be right back. As Richard muscles his way over to the bar, Lester sneaks over and hides behind him. RICHARD (CONT’D) (to the bartender) Two more martinis, dude. Richard looks over and winks at his one-night-stand in the making. She returns the favor. The bartender carefully places two martinis on the bar and as Richard digs into his pocket for a tip... Lester pulls out a small test-tube from his shirt pocket and quickly dumps the powdered contents into Richard’s cocktail. The anti-love potion immediately dissolves. Richard throws down two dollar bills, then takes a generous sip of “the right” martini. Lester’s smile widens – the kind of sly smile that makes you check your pants for your wallet. INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NEXT MORNING Richard wakes up and notices that the starlet from last night is lying in bed with him.

25 He shakes his hung-over head. The girl stirs, waking up. STARLET (groggy) Heeeey, stud. RICHARD Hey. STARLET You were amazing last night. How about some morning sex? He thinks about it – longer than you should have to. RICHARD Yeah, alright. Then you gotta get the hell outta here. I have to watch SportsCenter. He pulls the sheets back and gets out of bed. STARLET Where you going? RICHARD I have to drain Action Jackson. STARLET I’ll be here - glowing with that morning-after seductive shimmer. He rolls his eyes and walks out of the room. WE STAY on the girl as she works to sexy herself up for his return. But before she can prop up her breasts or fluff up her hairdo, we hear OFF-SCREEN: RICHARD (O.S.) WHAT THE FUCK?! NOOOOOO!!!

26 He comes rushing back into the bedroom like a man who just turned into a werewolf. The girl reacts. STARLET What is it? Is it a mouse? RICHARD (thinking fast) Yes! Yeah, it’s a big mouse. You gotta get outta here. He sloppily collects her belongings that are strewn around the room. STARLET No morning sex? RICHARD Uh, no, why relive the past? Besides, I’m a realist. Last night can’t be improved upon. He holds her clothes, physically guiding her out of the bedroom and over to the front door. STARLET Maybe it’s a friendly baby mouse-He opens the door, pushes her out, and throws her clothes squarely in her face. RICHARD It’s for your own safety! After the door SLAMS: STARLET (O.S) (weakly) Call me. Richard leans up against the door and fights to catch his breath. He pulls on the waistband of his boxer shorts, lifting it away from his flesh, and peers down at his manhood, which is now a vacant spot akin to a Ken Doll.

27 RICHARD My dick is gone. He scurries back to his bedroom, frantically looking around. He spots his cell phone. Bingo. He begins to dial, while muttering under his breath. RICHARD (CONT’D) I’m sure this happens all the time. Yeah, some dudes just overuse their bat and balls and they fall off. Anatomy can be funny sometimes. INT. UNIVERSITY – DARLENE’S OFFICE – MORNING Darlene, in an expensive suit, is in the doorframe, talking with a BESPECTACLED FELLOW in a long, white lab coat. We can’t make out what they are saying. On her nice mahogany desk lies her cell phone, which has obviously been turned to “silent” mode. It lights up with every silent ring. We notice that it reads “RICHIE” on the caller ID. INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – SAME Richard hangs up his cell phone, frustrated. He lunges towards a dresser and furiously pulls open a drawer and takes out a pair of jeans. He slides the jeans on and then grabs his billfold off the dresser and shoves it into his back pocket. He books it out of the room. Three seconds go by and a shirtless Richard is back and now searching for an appropriate top. CLOSE ON A BLACK SHIRT which is balled-up on the ruffled bed.

28 He snatches it up and pokes his head through the collar – storming out of the room, half-clad. EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE RICHARD’S APARTMENT – LATER Richard whips open the apartment building front door and sprints across the parking lot. Unfortunately for our hero, he is not only dickless, but he’s also shoeless and wearing a too-tight, sexy, v-neck shirt, courtesy of last night’s starlet. He jogs up to his car... RICHARD (CONT’D) You gotta be shitting me! CLOSE ON CAR a very expensive car with a very yellow tire boot. The parking immobilizer hugs the front tire like it is teeth on a pit bull. Richard scans up and down the street. He sees... A PUBLIC BUS crawling up the street to make its routine stop. He walks hurriedly up the road, digging into his pocket along the way. RICHARD (CONT’D) Of course no change. Why would I have exact bus fare? Dammit! He pleads with an OLD LADY who is pushing a grocery store cart filled with leafy vegetables. RICHARD (CONT’D) Hey, granny, can you break this? The white-haired fossil looks at his outstretched hand and sees that Richard is offering his cell phone and a crisp $50 bill.

29 OLD LADY No problem, sonny. RICHARD Thank you. Richard watches the moving bus as it pulls away and doesn’t notice that the old lady takes his cell phone and throws it to the ground. She quickly steamrolls her grocery cart over it. CRACK! The flip-phone snaps like a Slim Jim - catching Richard’s attention. RICHARD (CONT’D) What are you doing? NOOOO! OLD LADY (walking away) Fucking technology. He bends down to pick up the shards of Motorola. RICHARD (CONT’D) Awesome. He straightens up and peers down the street... The bus is gone. He whips his head this way and that. The streets are barren. Nothing. He hangs his head, defeated. As he mopes back to his place, tugging on his feminine shirt which shows his unmistakably male midriff... A CAB pulls up quietly beside him. The MALE CABBIE, all smiles, shouts at Richard through the open window. CABBIE

30 Need a lift? Richard doesn’t even contemplate the question. Robotically, he goes to the door, opens it and ducks inside the back seat. INT. CAB (MOVING) - DAY Richard sits in the back seat, shell-shocked. The cabbie props his arm up on the back rest - waiting for directives from his passenger. RICHARD The hospital. The guy stares at Richard’s fashionable top. CABBIE Hey, my daughter has the same shirt! Richard looks down at his chest and realizes he is wearing a women’s blouse. He shakes his head – another thing to add to the list. RICHARD Hey, can we step on it? It’s kind of an emergency. CABBIE What is there a sale at Victoria’s Secret? Richard doesn’t laugh. CABBIE (CONT’D) I’m fucking with ya. Let’s go. He puts the car into drive and speeds away. FADE OUT. THE END