The Choice Is Yours - Joseph Payne, Sr

Joseph Payne Sr. Author July 13, 2003 Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 Keen Mountain Correctional Center State Route 629 P. O. Box 860 Oakwood, VA 24631 Joseph Payne is a 47 year old prisoner who has been in prison for 23 years. The crime was armed robbery and the killing of the store clerk while intoxicated on whiskey and the mind altering drug PCP. Joseph is presently serving life without the possibility of parole and has a petition into the Virginia Governor seeking a Conditional Pardon and release. Realizing the damage that his choices have done to others and himself, Joseph with or communicates by writing to both juveniles and adults. His hope is that his example and thoughts will help people think more about their choices before acting and causing others and themselves serious pain and loss of life. If you read "Conning and Cheating Yourself" and wish to correspond with Joseph feel free to write him at the address above. If you are a counselor or someone who works with people who stay in trouble due to their bad choices and would like for them to read my writings or communicate with me I can be contacted at the above address. If you are an organization or concerned person who wishes to help my efforts you can send only a postal money order to me to help me with writing materials and postage as I only make $0.30 an hour for my work at a prison job so help is needed and greatly appreciated. If there are ways you feel and wish to help my efforts please contact me at the above address. Thank you.

The Choice is Yours Informer To the Readers "The Choice Is Yours Informer" is written by Joseph P. Payne, Sr., a prisoner with a life sentence in the VA prison system. The purpose of this news letter is two fold: to let both young people and adults learn what prison is really like and to instill a sense of personal responsibility for choices. Please feel free to copy and distribute this material to interested parties or youth organizations. For answers to questions, for information to help support this prisoner's efforts to reach juveniles and adults and give them pause to stop and consider the possible effects of their lifestyle and life choices, please contact: Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 Keen Mountain Correctional Center State Route 629 P. O. Box 860 Oakwood, VA 24631 Or in case of transfer to another prison: Joseph P. Payne, Sr. P.O. Box 1583 Cedar Bluff, VA 24609

THE CHOICE IS YOURS "CONNING & CHEATING YOURSELF" WRITTEN BY: JOSEPH P. PAYNE SR. From this prison cell, I've spent many hours of the last 23 years thinking about my past and the "stupidmistakes I've made which have led me to prison and, to being sentenced to death. Believe me when I tell you that I've made plenty of mistakes and stupid decisions without thinking or caring how these mistakes or stupid choices would eventually affect my life and the lives of others. Believe me when I tell you that when you end up in prison or on death row, you will have nothing but time to think about how you allowed yourself to con and cheat yourself out of life and good times. You will have nothing but time to remember how you could have avoided spending most or all of your remaining life in a prison cell, or waiting to be executed, if you would have thought seriously about what you were doing before you acted and ended up in prison or on death row. It is my hope that you won't end up like me, thinking about how stupidity hurt you from a prison cell, and that is why I'd like to share one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made with you. The choice was mine but I didn't think about the affect that my choice might have on me or other people. Growing up in my teen years I was in trouble with the law and courts several times. Running away, shoplifting, car theft, breaking and entering, driving without a license, driving while intoxicated, and possession of and distribution of drugs are some of the things I was into. I ended up getting arrested, locked in jail, put into reform school, and spent time grounded or restricted by parents. Each time I would end up in trouble with the law, courts or adults I'd tell them and myself I wasn't going to do whatever I was in trouble for again. While I was in trouble and suffering the consequences I'd keep my act together and would stay out of trouble, swearing I had learned my lesson. But, not long after my punishment and the trouble was behind me it wouldn't be long before I was back into getting high or drunk, or getting , mixed up with people who were into steeling or breaking the law in some way. Skipping school, shoplifting, running away, and doing other things that "I knew" could get me into trouble and locked up again. When I would go back to a lifestyle which I knew could get me into trouble or jail I had plenty of excuses to justify my actions to myself. Realistically I was just conning myself with excuses like the following: 1. My friends are doing it and I don't want to be thought of as a wimp or uncool. 2. I'm not going to hurt anyone, I'm just having some harmless fun. 3. So what if I'm getting drunk or high? I'm not hurting anyone and I can handle It. 4. I need to get high and wasted to feel better. 5. I know what I'm doing, I won't get busted, addicted, or overdose. 6. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I just like the high, I can quit anytime I want, I just don't want to. 7. There is no harm in selling drugs or stolen goods so I can make some money that I need. Besides, I know what I'm doing, I won't get caught. 8. I'm tired of being without, and these people are rich or have insurance so stealing from them or robbing them won't hurt them.

9. I'm not going to school because it's a drag and I know that stuff they are teaching. I'll never need to know the stuff they are trying to teach me. I'm smart enough without the hassle of school. 10. Maybe if I do this someone will pay attention to me and take me seriously. 11. I'm not going to do this (whatever it is) all the time I just want to experiment and see what it's like. A lot of people make a lot of different excuses to justify the fact that they are doing something wrong. Sometimes people just do something wrong to see what it's like, and they say well just this one time won't hurt anything or anyone. This is a lie! If it can get you into trouble or cause you to depend on it (like drugs & alcohol), the truth is that it can get you locked up, and there is always a high possibility that something could happen that you don't expect, that could cause yourself or someone else to be seriously hurt. Although I "didn't think about it" I knew then, and now, those excuses were stupid lies that I was telling myself or being told by someone else. I lied to Judges, police, probation officers, teachers, principles, reform school counselors and parents. Yea, I thought I was one slick and cool operator as I conned them all. But what I didn't realize then, but, now know after spending the last 23 years in this prison cell, is that the person I was really conning and cheating the most was myself. I believed my stupid excuses and I went on doing what" I knew" could get me into serious trouble and ended up cheating myself out of so much life. I cheated myself instead of doing the right thing or finding a good way to deal with a problem that would benefit me instead of hurt myself. All the years I spent in boys homes, trade school, and jail I cheated myself out of the opportunity to be free and doing the other things that other kids were doing and enjoying. By skipping and dropping out of school in the 8th:, grade, I cheated myself out of an education that I needed in order to get a good job and have a successful career. I didn't think about the future when I quit school, but when I tried to get a job I found out that getting a job required that I know math and many other subjects taught in school that I had not learned. By not thinking of my future and employment I had conned and cheated myself out of having a good job or a successful career. Then there was the experimenting and use of drugs and drinking beer, wine, and whiskey. I had plenty of excuses why I needed or wanted them, and after telling myself these lies I began to believe them. I swore I knew my limit, how to control myself and the drug when high, and that I'd never be addicted. Again, I was only conning and cheating myself and I never stopped to really think about it. I stayed high so much that when I did think about it I was high and didn't really think about it seriously. I ended up becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol and had many occasions when I could not recall what I had been doing while high. A large portion of the money I made by employment was spent on supporting my habit. I refused to pay attention to the forgetfulness, the blackouts, the way I would become mean at times, or the sickness of not having drugs or alcohol that I would go through. I also refused to recognize that the reason I jumped from job to job was because of my addiction. There were many signs but I conned and cheated myself with all of my stupid excuses. Finally a day came when my mind and body was totally burnt out but, when I awoke I started my day with my usual routine. A couple bong hits, a couple shots of whiskey, or beer, and 2 hits of speed. I went out partying with someone and many hours of partying with whiskey and PCP, myself and this other person somehow ended up robbing a store. When we left the store clerk was dead. I came somewhat to my senses in jail but not knowing what I was there for or anything about the crime we had committed, but, that didn't stop the judge from giving me a life sentence plus one year in prison. I could have received the death penalty. Another way you Cheat yourself when you keep going back to the same lifestyle that you know is against the law is, before you realize it you've been in trouble more times than you can count and you now have a reputation of the type of person likely to steal, rob, use or sell dope, or whatever you've been continuously doing. When you get this type of criminal reputation you make it easy for someone to accuse you, and if you can't prove that you really didn't do it you may not be believed or trusted. This could very well lead to you're

being jailed based on the fact and "circumstantial evidence" that you are a likely suspect because you've done it so many other times. This type of reputation can and will prevent you from getting jobs or certain type of social memberships. These things may not seem so important now when you are between the ages of 10 and 18 years old, but they should because everything you do today can and usually does affect you tomorrow. I have learned the hard way going through these things I've spoken of, and have met many people in prison who have also made the same stupid mistakes. Particularly the mistake of waiting to late in life to think about the trouble these mistakes can cause them. Most of us in prison have spent most of our life conning and cheating ourselves and, causing ourselves hassles that were really unnecessary. Well, "I'm thinking about it now!" I've been thinking about it from behind bars for the last 10 years. Each day I miss the legal things I enjoy doing while remembering how many chances I had to get my act together. But, I was a fool! Will you also be a fool? THE CHOICE IS YOURS! What are you going to do? will you continue to con and cheat yourself until you end up like me, sitting in prison year after year, not knowing if you'll ever see the outside world again or die behind these prison walls? Do you think you are too slick, cool, or such a player that you won't end up in prison wishing you would have given what you were doing more thought? If you do, it's your choice but, be forewarned that these prison walls are full of people who also thought the same thing. Prisons and death rows and even mental institutions are full of people who kept conning and cheating themselves the same way. I can only tell you what I know from experiencing and seeing it happen the hard way, the rest is up to you. It is your life and your future. THE CHOICE IS YOURS! Are you going to be spending your future free and happily, or will you be spending it in a prison cell wishing you would have thought things out more maturely and gotten your act together? Knowing how much I regret and have suffered .as each year I sat behind bars getting older and missing so many good things as these prison walls sucked the life out of me, I hope you won't be one of the people I see come here or to any other prison. Please take advantage of the fact that you can know what the real deal is without experiencing it the hard way. If you ever want someone to rap to to help you decide whether you'll be making a serious mistake by doing something, I'd be glad to rap with you. I don't know it all but I do know that "nothing" is worth the life you'll have if you come to prison, and I know it can be avoided simply by thinking before you act. You need only care enough about yourself. Anyone can write to me at the following address: Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 Keen Mountain Correctional Center State Route 629 P. O. Box 860 Oakwood, VA 24631 Many times you are glad to do a friend a favor, well, do yourself the favor of thinking seriously about where you are going in life and about what kind of life you're living now. Be smart by not letting others convince you of getting into things you know are wrong or harmful to you or others. If they were really your friend they wouldn't be trying to lead you into something that can hurt you or screw up your life. If you can be smart enough to do yourself this favor now, I know you'll be glad you did later in life. The best of luck to you!

The Choice is Yours Informer ISSUE 1 MONTH OF AUGUST, 2003 "The Choice is Yours" program was created by Roger Keith Coleman (1958-92) when he entered Virginia's Death Row in 1982. It began with a letter and developed into a video (over 200 copies distributed), and in 1986, groups were permitted to come to the prison and hear the message from Roger himself. The response was incredible. From the time Roger created the program until the day he was executed he had received thousands of letters from youth, ages" ; 9-19. The purpose of the program is two-fold. To let young people know what prison is really like and to instill a sense of responsibility into them. The message was clear. "You think you're cool, tough, invincibleeventually you will get caught." It must be acknowledged that a great majority of youth who get involved with crime have endured many hardships, ranging from child abuse of all degrees to mental disabilities. 1 Serious consideration must be given to these cases and the concerns addressed. From what began as one person wanting to help some kids has become a program of not only other Virginia Death Row inmates getting involved, but Death Row inmates around the nation with youth in their own states. "TCIY" has now taken on another look in the form of a newsletter which is the idea of the current director, Joseph P. Payne Sr. You are asked to read and distribute this newsletter written from the confines of a prison cell on Virginia's Death Row. For more information, please contact: The Choice is Yours Informer

KING COCAINE IS MY..." At the end of this Newsletter is a writing which is similar to the bible's 23rd Psalm, but it has been written about Cocaine addiction. As you'll read, it was written by a young girl who vas addicted to cocaine. She left this and a note in the car where she committed suicide. This is just one of many people who became addicted to drugs and who ended up so sad and lost that they killed themselves. As well there are many you don't know or hear of who kill themselves by overdose, or by accident because they were so high. But, I expect you have heard of it happening...you may just think it won't happen to you. I'd like you to know that "it CAN" happen to you, and that is the best reason I know of to try to encourage you to not let yourself get addicted and be "stalked" by the way of addiction. Drug or alcohol addiction is a very hard habit to get away from. and it takes your health, your happiness, and a11 that you are and own. It does literally become a vise that squeezes the life from you. You'll think you have it under control, but realistically it will have you under its control. You will read where the Doctor said, "the person who got her hooked on dope would have been better off (Kinder) if they would have just taken a gun and blown her head off", and that she "wished to God he had".

I mention this to you because there is more to 'this story to consider. This young addict is actually the one who would have been kinder to' ~, herself, if she would have blown her head off rather than allow herself to do drugs in the first place. Unfortunately she did not realize how sad and miserable drug addiction would be until she was so tired of it that she decided she's rather be dead than continue on as a cocaine addict. While there are times when other may influence us, whether or not you take drugs or drink alcohol \ as a way to get high or escape your troubles and sorrows, (or to impress others!), is YOUR CHOICE! Only you can get yourself hooked. Dealers will always be dealing their drugs, stores will always be selling alcohol and people will always be trying to get you to do these e intoxicants...BUT IT IS YOUR CHOICE, and you won' t have anyone but YOU to blame if you destroy your life with drugs and alcohol. The question is, what choice will you make? Surely by now you've heard of many others who have become addicted, ruined their lives, and regretted it. If you haven't, check with an employee with a detox center or mental health care place, and I'm sure they can show you or tell you of the many people they have seen and treated. As well, ask the members of the rescue squad, as they too will likely have seen both drug and alcohol cases where people really messed themselves up. You do have the knowledge available to be forewarned about drug and alcohol addiction. What Choice will you make? Will you end up in prison like me and so many others, in a detox center or in the street, poor and going through withdrawal or dead? I sure hope not. Drug and alcohol abuse has destroyed so many, that there really is no excuse for it to keep happening. I could talk all day about it, but only your desire to be free of the addiction vise can give you a smarter choice and better life. I hope you will make the Right Choice! SELF DISCIPLINE, WILL TELL YOU ABOUT YOURSELF! Before I came to prison, I didn't realize it but I had very little self discipline. There are many forms of self discipline that are more important to YOUR life than is often thought about. There is self discipline for studying, sports, and other things like weight control but the self discipline I'd like you to think about and practice is: SELF CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. How many times has someone you know, or you, gotten really mad at something someone else has said or done? Before you really thought about it you hit the person or tore something up because you were angry? Controlling your anger and how you react is very important, because if you can't control it you are subject to do something you may well regret later. I've seen many people here in prison who say I'm a man, I'm a warrior or soldier, and yet they get angry quickly and they want to fight or do battle without thinking. They get angry and they just react violently. But I'm here to tell you that a man, warrior, or soldier, has the ability to control his anger and reactions. This goes for you females too. "Being Grown", or being an adult means being able to have the self control to control your anger and reactions so that you won't act without smart fore-thought and responsibility for your actions and reactions of your anger. Self control of your anger and your actions, and the way you allow people's actions or comments affect you requires self control.. .which is self discipline. A lot of people do not learn until late in life, how to control their feelings and anger, this is why in a split second someone gets mad, pulls a gun and shoots another person; or someone says something and it gets you so angry you can't think straight and you want to tear something...anything up. How often have you let anger or depression cause you to act or react in a way you later regretted, or that it just made you miserable for a long time? We a11 do! Especially when we are young. Most of us don't realize that we are only "really hurting ourselves... .until later when we have calmed down enough to look: at what happened and how we reacted and see that our anger or hurt got the best of us and we wish we wouldn't have reacted in a way that hurt someone else or we wish we wouldn't have let it make our

day an unhappy one.. .or get us put in jail! When you can control your actions and reactions to the events and circumstances occurring in your life you will find that you won't get caught up in arguments that get out of control. You'll also find yourself gaining understanding of yourself, others and many things Your anger or hurt emotions had been preventing you from thinking of or understanding. Self control of your anger, emotions, actions and reactions builds both a "strong and sensitive" personality. Self control of your actions and reactions will give your leadership qualities more to be admired and, it will give you those you are lacking, leadership qualities. To be able to remain calm, understanding and rational in any given situation will help to lead a better and happier life and is a very admirable characteristic. So, what are some way's that we can practice this type of Self Control? Different practices work for different individuals in different way's. That is to say, what might work good for me might not work as good for someone else. So I will list some practices I use and would like for you, and others, to make a list. Then, try all of them and see which ones help you to remain calm, understanding and rational in any given situation. Remember there is no set standard, or way which works for everyone or every situation. Different way's or practices will work better in some situations better than in others. "SELF CONTROL PRACTICE TIPS TO REMEMBER" 1. Stop and think. 2. Know and remember that. violence is not "the best" answer to any problem. 3. When feeling frustrated or angry, "try" to take a break from what you are frustrated or angry with. 4. Make an effort to understand and care about others concerns, feelings and how they are acting and reacting. 5. Refuse to let anger, prejudice, or frustration make you act. violently or without stopping to think. There are other way's that help us control our actions and reactions but those five help me the most. For me, the first thing I had to learn to do was refuse to let anger, frustration, or personal prejudices control the way I act before I thought about a problem. I'd stop when I got mad or frustrated or I felt mean towards another person and tell myself; "O.k. , I'm in control of this and I won't let myself act without taking time to consider and think about what is happening and row I should act or react." It's not easy but it can be done. The key is "wanting to be in control of your actions at all times." Violence or doing something mean might be "a response" to someone or something but it is "never" the best response. Also, so many people don't "stop and think" before they act or react. This is "being out of control of yourself", and is a very irresponsible way to be. Many people I have met in prison...myself included.. .have acted or reacted to people and situations without stopping to think about the problem or situation and without asking; "How will my action or reaction affect me or others?" If we had stopped and thought first we would have realized that what our first instinct to do (act or react) was not really in our best interest and would cause even more problems. Intelligence, and caring enough to take time to try to understand the feelings and actions or reactions of others before you react or act, helps you to deal with people and situations with "smart" self control and "smart self -control is the best self -control." . When you become frustrated, angry, or unsure of how best to act or react, take time to get away for the thing or the person you are angry or frustrated with, or unsure about. I have found that sometimes I need to get away for a few minutes or a few hours sometimes from what I am doing or the problem. By get away, I mean to go someplace where I can :relax and release anger, frustration or unsure thoughts. someplace where

I can just stop and cool off. Once I am calm, I consider what made me mad and frustrated, "refusing" to let it make me mad or :frustrated. I consider the problem knowing I'm in control of my emotions and with the goal of doing what is best. By taking time to get control of :your anger or frustration, cooling off and thinking about what should do, you will be better able to act and react to people and situations much more smartly and with less regret. Wanting to have self control and taking responsibility for your actions is the key to self control. TRY THIS! Make a list of things that you know make you mad, that make you frustrated, or that you dislike. Now make a list of how you usually react. Now make a list of things you can do to react in a smarter and more caring way that will be better for :you and for other people or situations. Now begin practicing these way' s you want to help you to have better self control. "LETS RAP" I welcome letters from you all. If you want to know what prison is like, and what some of the choices myself and others have made that put us in prison or that led us to being drug addicts alcoholics or uneducated; then please write and ask and I will answer your letter. If you are having problems making a choice or making right choices that you would like to be able to discuss with someone who understands, and wants to try to help out, then please write to: Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 Keen Mountain Correctional Center State Route 629 P. O. Box 860 Oakwood, VA 24631 KING COCAINE IS MY......... "KING COCAINE IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL ALWAYS WANT. HE MAKETH :ME TO LIE DOWN IN THE GUTTERS. HE LEADETH :ME BESIDE THE TROUBLED WATERS. HE DESTROYETH MY SOUL. HE LEADETH ME IN THE PATHS OF WICKEDNESS. YEA, I SHALL WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF POVERTY AND WILL FEAR NO EVIL FOR THOU, COCAINE, ART WITH ME. THY CRACK AND NEEDLE COMFORT ME. THOU STRIPPEST THE TABLE OF GROCERIES IN THE PRESENCE OF MY FAMILY. THOU ROBBEST MY HEAD OF REASON.

MY CUP OF SORROW RUNNETH OVER. SURELY COCAINE ADDICTION SHALL STALK ME ALL DAYS OF MY LIFE AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE DAMNED FOREVER." THE 23RD PSALM IS ONE OF THE MOST COMFORTING, BUT THIS VERSION IS HEARTBREAKING. UNFORTUNATELY A GREAT MANY PEOPLE NEED TO SEE IT. THESE TRAGIC WORDS, PART OF A TWISTED REWORDING OF THE BELOVED 23RD PSALM, WERE DISCOVERED IN A CLOSED CAR ALONGSIDE OF A DEAD COCAINE ADDICT. SHE WAS 23 YEARS OLD. "HER DEATH WAS RULED A SUICIDE. A HOOKUP WITH THE CAR'S EXHAUST HAD SENT CARBON MONOXIDE FUMES FROM A RUNNING MOTOR INTO THE VEHICLE. ALSO FOUND IN THE CAR WITH THE DEAD WOMAN WAS A WRITTEN MESSAGE:

"JAIL DIDN'T CURE ME. NOR DID HOSPITALIZATION HELP ME FOR LONG. THE DOCTOR TOLD MY FAMILY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER AND INDEED KINDER, IF THE PERSON WHO GOT ME HOOKED ON DOPE HAD TAKEN A GUN AND BLOWN MY BRAINS OUT. AND I WISH TO GOD HE HAD. MY GOD, HOW I WISH IT."

THE CHOICE IS YOURS INFORMER Issue # 2 for the month of September, 2003 Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 Keen Mountain Correctional Center State Route 629 P. O. Box 860 Oakwood, VA 24631 Created by Roger Keith Coleman: May he rest in peace. THROUGH IT ALL, REMEMBER, "YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE! AND SO ARE ALL OTHERS!!!" How often have you been teased or left out of events because you are different, or seen as different? Or how often have you teased people because they were different to you? Or, how often have you seen people get left out or teased because they are of a different race, religion or social status.. .such as not as well off financially? I'm sure you've all seen it a lot, just as I have. I have been left out or put down by family, people I know, and people who didn't know at all, so I know this can really get us down at times. I once had a friend who was fat. People used to tease her constantly because she was heavier and not as pretty as some people. One day she could not stand being treated so mean any longer and she committed suicide. I might have been able to prevent her death but I didn't really understand how much the teasing was hurting her. I also was afraid to speak up for her because I was worried about what my other friends would think. I didn't know it then, but I know now I was just as much at fault for her death as those who teased and embarrassed her so much that she decided to kill herself. My friend, who killed herself was smart, kind, caring of others feelings, could sing better than most, and even though she was over weight she was even more of a beautiful person than many who were not over weight. But, she let other people's cruel ignorance take her self pride and confidence away, until she saw herself as fat, ugly and shameful. I have another friend who is very large, and not pretty by the "Cheerleader" standards, and we were walking through a store one evening, and some people started shouting things about her being fat and ugly. I got angry and was ready to fight them for her. She told me not to let it bother me because it didn't bother her at all. She said, "I don't care what they think of me because I know I'm beautiful, and it's what I think that is important, not what anyone else thinks." I hugged her and admired her self confidence and ability to know that she was in her own special way one of the most beautiful people I'd ever met. We are what we make of ourselves, and we are the only ones who have a right to judge ourselves. So, my message to you is believe in yourself and know that no matter what way's you may be different from other people, you and the others are all special and unique, each in your own special way. And, always keep in mind that no one has a right to tease or put you down. And if they do, instead of feeling hurt, know that they are just showing their own ignorance and ugliness.

Never let yourself forget that God made you, and God's creations are each perfect, special and unique. If someone calls you ugly, dumb, or try's to make fun of you because of a difference about you or because you didn't do something as well as you would have liked to, hold you head up and refuse to let then hurt your feelings. They have no right to hurt you, and you should not let them. Believe in yourself and be what you can be, not what others would like to make you by making fun of you or putting you down. And, for those of you who think: its funny or fun, or not a bad thing to tease and make fun at other people, put yourself, or someone you love in their place, and I'm betting you won't be so willing to hurt their feelings. Seriously, think: of how you teased the last person that you teased or made fun of, and ask yourself if you would want or like it if people were teasing your mother, or someone you really care about. The bottom line is, that treating people mean, even in fun can really cause that person pain that can affect them in a bad way, and the best way is to treat others as you want them to treat you. And, if you are one of those who must suffer others ugly sense of so called fun teasing, be strong and remember: "Sticks & Stones may break my bones but words can't hurt me!" IS LEARNING A LITTLE HARDER FOR YOU? Well. guess what; there are a lot of us who are slower than other's to learn. Math was always my hard subject! I would fall asleep listening to the teacher during math class, and, I hated it when the teacher would call on me to stand up before the class to do a math problem. I always felt embarrassed and dumb. Some of the other students used to love it when the teacher would call on me to answer a problem, so they could get a laugh out of my not being able to answer the problem. Do you know why I ended up failing math a lot.? It was because I convinced myself that I just couldn't understand it. I convinced myself that math wasn't very important and that I didn't need to learn it. Basically I gave up on myself and I let other people's laughter at me embarrass me into not trying harder. I couldn't think about how to solve math problems because I was thinking about other people laughing or making fun of me, and I let them make me feel dumb. One day I got tired of being laughed at and being teased as a dummy, and I decided I was going to learn this math stuff. My first steps towards learning math was to tell myself; (I) I'm not going to let this subject get the best of me. (2) I can learn this. and, ( 3 ) I won't be embarrassed to ask for help to learn this. From that point on I did begin to understand and learn math. It was still hard and sometimes slow learning but, I refused to give up on myself or let what others think make me feel dumb and embarrassed. I found out that math was hard for me but: I could learn it. Later in life I found out just how important math is in life. Almost everything you do in life requires that you know all types of math. There are so many people in prison who didn't learn how to read or write, or learn math, because they gave up on themselves and, they were too embarrassed by what others would think of them to ask for help to learn. And now that they are adults and still unable to read, write or do math, and don't know much about any other subject, they are even more embarrassed. Don't let yourself down! Because if you don't put a little extra effort into it, you aren't hurting anyone but yourself. Hey, lots of people are slow to learn things or have learning disabilities. But, just because you are slow or have a disability doesn't mean you are dumb or unable to eventually be just as smart as anyone else. The key is, are you going to let yourself be dumb or are you smart enough to ask for help?. It will take some extra will power and belief in yourself, but it's worth it...and you owe it to yourself ! to strive to learn "all that you can" because it will come in handy in your future. LET'S RAP!

Dear Joe, I have a friend who can't read or write very well. We were at a restaurant and he was so ashamed that he couldn't read the menu that he got upset and left. He has a lot of pride and is ashamed to ask people to help him. I'd help him but I don't know if will be offended by my offering to help. Do you have any advice? Signed, B. Dear B., I do understand your friend's pride and embarrassment. That is one of the main reasons so many people end up not learning to read or write. Pride is a good thing, but when you let pride prevent you from bettering yourself, that's not good. Read this to your friend, and let him know you would be glad to help him, and that because you are his friend he shouldn't feel ashamed. Everyone needs a little help some times, and one should not feel ashamed to accept a friends help with learning. Ask your friend to do some studying with you B. and let him know that it will be something that will help you as well as him. You should try to help, but if he say's no don't push it. Just let him know that you care about him and don't want to see him having such a hard time reading and writing, and if he changes his mind to let you know. You. can only offer your help. Whether or not he is smart enough to try is up to him. Good Luck, TO BOTH OF YOU! Signed, Joe Dear Joe, I have a friend who has stopped going out and having fun because she dreads being teased about her weight. She is not even that overweight but because of the teasing, she thinks she is. How can I help her? Signed, L Dear L., First of all have your friend read what I've written in this newsletter about being teased. And second, stick by her, and let her know what you think of her and offer friendly encouragement. The initial step to believing in herself and not what others think will have to be hers, but by being a caring and supportive friend, you can help. Good Luck TO YOU BOTH! Signed, Joe TO THE READERS, Do you have something you want to rap about? I don't have all the answers but will help you try to make the right or better choices. What you write and ask me about may something someone else needs help with who reads this, and you might help me to help someone who isn't able to talk about their feelings or choices. Until next time, take care and be the best. and most caring that you can. Remember: Love, caring and happiness breeds love caring and happiness. And, negativity, anger, and hate, breed negativity, anger and hate. MAY THIS BE YOUR BEST' SCHOOL YEAR AND LIFE YEAR YET ! .

Choice Is Yours Informer – Issue 3 - October, 2003 A word to the reader From the writer, Joseph P. Payne, Sr. #127364 This issue of the Choice Is Yours Informer is basically written for the benefit of persons doing time... As hard as I know it is to get out and carry on with your life without falling back into the same type of lifestyle and to adapt to being free after living such a different way of life while locked up. I know it can be done. The trick is, wanting to get your 1ife together so you can live free to pursue the dreams and life you want. I hope what I've written helps you to think about your life and, helps you to make choices that are for your self betterment, and your efforts towards getting released, and staying released. Although this issue is focused on people doing time and working towards release and re-adjusting to living in society, I believe there are points that can and should be considered by readers not locked up yet. I believe the key to staying out of prison and to making choices that serve to make anyone’s life better whether they are doing time or free, is the same. That key is not letting hard times, family problems, school problems, pressures from friends, or financial problems prevent you from thinking about your choices and making choices that are going to benefit you and keep you from breaking the law. I know it is hard to tell yourself that you are not going to sell drugs, or rip someone off to get money, but, if you do, you'll see that the right choice and determination to earn money legally is the better way…even if harder! I know its hard to turn away from getting high when you are depressed or angry, but, if you'll care about yourself enough to say; Getting high is not the answer and I’m going to work though this mess with a clear head, you really will be doing better for yourself. I also know how hard it is to accept and admit the fact that drug and alcohol dependency only adds to the problems that you are getting high to deal with, but, the truth is that when you hide behind drugs & alcohol to deal with problems you will only add to your problems. It might make you feel better for a while but it won't solve the problem. When your high is gone, the problem will still be there and if you’ve gotten busted while high, you've added to your problem. As far as dealing drugs and ripping people off; what good does it do to make or hustle money that is going to put you in jailor prison when you get busted and end up spending years or life in prison? The way I see it after spending more than 23 years in prison, the best choice is the choice that makes life better. A choice that will get you strung out on drugs or alcohol, or get you put into prison, and hurt you or your family, friends, or others is a dumb choice that doesn't better life. You know there’s almost no choice in prison; so, keep control of your choices by thinking about and making smart choices. The key question is: Do you care enough about yourself and your future freedom to make the smart choices?

Getting Out and Staying Out The Choice is Yours Well, you've done your time, or you've just about finished doing it and soon you'll be stepping back out into freedom. As you think about it, you can already smell that sweet freedom you've longed for and missed

since the day they locked you up in that place. Yeah, you're on your way home, and partying and hangin out with the Homeboys and Bro's and getting to finally see and go places with the sweethearts that you've thought about all this time that you've spent in that dump. I’ll bet you're thinking of all the things you've been missing and daydreaming about, for what seems like an eternity. You can't wait to step out and you feel good. You already know the spots you're going to check out and the people you'll go look up, and you can't get there soon enough. You're probably telling those guy's who you'll soon leave behind in that lock-up to stand strong, and how you won't be coming back unless its for something serious, like murder. Yeah, I can dig it, because I've felt it and I've said it all, and, really meant it. Except for the part about coming back for murder, because I never thought I'd murder anyone. But at the moment of finally getting out I knew I didn't want to return, and I was sure I wouldn't. But guess what? I started making the same wrong choices, only being more cautious and slick. I stayed out for a good while, but ended up busted and in prison with 2 life sentences and 5 years....murder was part of it, but not as I had implied it to my gangster type friends. After all the hassles and hard times of being locked up from freedom, friends, and all the things I loved and cared about, I swore I wasn't going to let myself make the same mistakes. I've sworn to it, and given skin to others saying the same thing; and we each played it cool while we were on probation...well, some of us did...some were not out anytime before they were right back into the same old groove, and busted. Those of us who were cool enough to at least get past the probation stage still made some stupid mistakes. The first mistake was: That we got used to being free again and we forgot just how we hated being locked up and away from all the things of freedom we had missed day after day, month after month, year after year. Some of us forgot the second we got out the door and were hangin out again. Some of us got out and thought that braggin to the Homeboys and honey's about how tough it was and how we had handled it, made us cool....yeah, like we was real gangsters to be respected. We either forgot or didn't care about how bad being locked up was and how much we missed freedom; and how good it had felt to be going home and we let ourselves get caught up in the things we “knew” could get us locked back up. As some of us were close enough to being old enough to go to "a real prison", we went and got into trouble because we forgot or didn't care about how much we hated being locked up. Guess what? We cared when we stepped back into the detention home or jail! We cared the second the sight and smell of the lock-up assaulted our being and we remembered this world of lock-up with no choice and no freedom. It all came back to us....but too late! I can't speak for everyone, but for me, I wished I hadn't forgotten how precious being free was to me. But, I was stupid! I forgot several times and eventually I was put into prison. Not a detention home or reform school, or a trade school. A real prison, where you lose a lot more freedom than those juvenile spots, and where the rules of survival and opportunity to get out are twice as tough. It seems my first question to myself was, man, why or how did I let this happen again. And I always knew that whatever crime I had done wasn't worth the pain hassle of being locked up. Well, let me tell you how and why I ended back in lock-up again. Because I didn't appreciate my freedom enough to make choices that would keep me free. I can hear some of you who are back in for another round saying, "give me a break man, I appreciated it." But think about it! If you really appreciated it, wouldn’t you have made the choice not to get involved into whatever got you locked back up? I know things can happen, and people make mistakes because they just weren't thinking at the time but if you really want to be free, you won't allow yourself to get into situations that can lead you back to prison. All those excuses, about how you wouldn't be back if it wasn't for this or that, are counterfeit and useless because the real deal is, you know...or you will...that you should have kept out of any situation where a mistake or not good thinking might get you locked back up if you really appreciated being free.

Turning Your Anger into Self Betterment It seems that when we get arrested and locked up, we have a lot of anger inside. We blame everything and everyone for the trouble we've gotten into and for our being locked up. Like, if my parents or someone hadn't treated me so badly and made me mad, I wouldn't have been getting high or drunk or into this trouble or if I wasn't so poor I wouldn't have had to steal or sell drugs to get money. I also know that there are many legitimate reasons that getting locked up can make us feel angry or cheated. Some of these reasons may well have been the cause of you getting into trouble, and that makes you mad. Being locked up and going through the head games, punishment and programs, and not being able to see family and friends...or finding that family and friends have pretty much turned their backs on you, and left you to deal with your lock up on your own can make you mad,; As does the way of survival in many of the lock ups. Many people become coldhearted and constantly angry and bitter with life and everyone in it. I can’t even count the number of people I’ve seen do time in juvenile lock ups or prison, who come out mean and angry, and, having learned to deal with life’s problems with violence, like they may have had to or chose to while doing time, they "Cheat Themselves" because they most always end up back in jail, detention or prison. And now days, if you came to prison and especially get out and come back in for a violent crime, you can count on it being a long time before you get out. Being angry because you've been locked up is understandable. I also know that there is a code of being able to stand strong and able to do what you have to do to survive when you’re doing time. But, being mad and only able to handle problems with violence is something you have to get out of your system. You also have to stop blaming everyone and everything else because "YOU" made some bad and stupid choices. Most times the only person we really should be mad at is ourselves for being dumb enough to get involved in something we knew could get us locked up. Stealing cars, sticking people up, selling dope, breaking into places, and all those things that we are doing time for, we shouldn't have been doing them. Dig it! We can say, "Hey man, I needed the money because people won't give me a chance or a job, or I needed it to support my drug and alcohol habit, or to forget how bad things are for awhile"; or we can say, "I was led into this situation by someone else so it’s really their fault." We can blame all our bad choices and mistakes on a lot of things, but when it comes right down to it, we knew we were stepping into a risk, and can only blame ourselves for taking that risk and not making the smarter choice to not take the risk. I've learned the hard way that the best thing we can do "for ourselves" is admit that it is our fault and be mad at ourselves, not all those other excuses. And, instead of staying mad, turn that anger into motivation to get yourself together. You can stay mad and take it out on everyone forever but that's not going to change anything for 'the better, and will only work against you. I’ve found out, since being in prison that anger keeps, us from doing a lot of things with smarter choice, because anger clouds our thinking and ability to reason rationally. I can hear some of you saying, "Man, I try to control my anger, but I just get so mad that I can't help it." I can only say that I know this is true but, I also know I used to be the same way. I used to have so much anger in me that it was hard and at times seemed impossible for me to control my temper. But, the key to learning to control your anger and confront problems in a smart way, rather than violent way, is self control. No one can control you, like you can control you. It just takes the desire to want to be more in control of yourself. There will always be times when you will find it super hard not to react without thinking or in violent anger, but like in every other way of survival, you must be strong enough and determined to care about yourself, when no one else will. Another thing for you to think on is; anyone can react violently, and not control their anger and actions, but it takes a strong and independent minded person with good sense to use self control at all times. Look at your leaders. They lead because they have self control that most aren't strong enough or smart enough to have. Due to prejudices of all kinds; including prejudice towards persons who have been' in trouble with the law,

it is often times hard to get ahead and to be what you want to be. I know this makes people mad. It has often made me mad enough to want to get even with them or quit the job. But, I have learned that using my energy and thoughts to get even or steal from people who I feel I should have just as much of a chance as they have, is wasted effort that always ends up making life worst instead of better. Besides that; When I'd quit, or I break the law to get what I wanted or felt I should have, I realized" (later) that I was only making what other people said about me being no good and trouble, be the truth. I realized that I was only showing how right they were and giving them the satisfaction of seeing me locked up, or without a job, and letting their prejudices make my life miserable. Each way they win! So, now I still have times when I get super angry, but, I shake it off and I use my anger to motivate me into thinking about how I can make things better for me, without reducing myself to being a criminal or quitting, or acting violently, so they can't say, I'm no good, violent, or a quitter. It takes real strength to be determined to not spend life in prison and not to be without the things in life I need to enjoy each day; and, to be determined not to turn to stealing, dealing dope, or breaking the law to get those things. I know that educating myself and being determined to survive, will lead to my finding a legal way to make money somewhere. I have to, and you have to, because the person you are angry at isn't going to be doing the time for the crime...you are! While you are doing time, forget about the things that have made you mad, and be strong enough and determined enough to better yourself. Decide, and even discuss with your counselor, what you are going to do to earn a living and survive in society if you are not earning money the illegal ways. Determine what you need to do to be able to have the same chance and opportunity everyone else has. Then use your anger to motivate you to achieve the education and understanding, and self control that you need to get out and stay free. Think about it! Do you need to get a higher, education; job skill training; or do you need to get someone to help you get out of the bad habits, or .drug and alcohol abuse you've fallen into. Hey, don't be ashamed to go to a counselor, minister, or some friend who you think might be able to help you achieve something that you need to achieve to better yourself. There’s no shame in getting someone to help you... there is however, shame for not being smart enough to better yourself and seeking help to do it if you keep screwing up. Besides, you'll be happier after you've gotten the help and gotten out of the pattern of being a screw up. YOU have, to make the choice to do what is needed to get out, stay out and survive without returning to or depending on crime or drugs and alcohol to get by. No one but you van make that choice. Don't wait until you are like me, sitting in a prison cell, not knowing if you'll ever get out or if when you do get out you will have been in prison so long you'll be too old and inexperienced to do anything. The Choice Is Yours; do you want prison or freedom?

Let’s Rap! To: Shaik Turner and Ike, and the rest of the men at Green Residential Group Center in Ringwood, NJ Dear Shaik, Hope this finds you standing strong and preparing yourself for going home. I received your letter and I hope the things I've written of in this issue help you think about the choices you have ahead of you. Check it out bro; I hope you'll make the decision and commitment to yourself to stay out of dealing dope to make a living. Dig it, some things, like your freedom and being successful and having a good life are more important than the money that can be made from dealing. On the real side, all the money you made before... what good did it do you while you were locked up? I can understand that you want to be your own man, and independent. That's a good quality, but you owe it to you to be a smart independent man. Being locked up

only takes away from the things you want in life, and dealing drugs will get you locked up. I’ll tell you something else bro, the law is coming down hard on drug dealing, and one minute of something going wrong and someone dieing from dope you sold them, or in someone getting shot during a transaction or the business and they are killed, can get you a capital murder charge. There ain't no life in the execution chamber! I don't know if Jersey has the death penalty, but if not, I know the prison sentences are not worth it when you get busted for drug related crimes. Being proud is good Shaik, but don't be too proud to accept a little help from family. Hey, you can still be your own man by accepting help every now and then, and paying it back as soon as you can or have agreed to. You can write and rap anytime and I will be wishing you a life of freedom and success. Surviving in the employment world is a little tough, but for a person who refuses to give up and who really wants to succeed, they can and I know you will if you really want to. So go for it and put the dealing in the past as an experience you know is only asking for trouble. BE COOL & BE FREE, JOE PAYNE. Dear Ike, I also received your letter and hope you are standing strong. Check it out Ike. I was mad when I first got locked up but I was mad because I was responsible for getting myself locked up. I hope you aren't mad at the people who had you locked up. Forget the anger of being locked up and concentrate on doing the things that will keep you from getting locked up again. I hope you get out and stay out of the lifestyle you were in before. This time you only had to do about 5 months, and you see that it’s not the kind of life you want, right!? As you get older; and more busts on you, the time gets longer and harder. And Prison, believe me man, SUCKS! You'll be doing yourself a favor by getting it together and be what you want to be and do in life, but, make it so you don't have to live in lock up. You deserve better than that for yourself, and only you can give, yourself what you deserve. It won't always be easy but stand strong and proud, and shake the anger, and live a good free life. And don't forget how much you hated doing those 5 months in lock up. I hope you go home soon, and that you stay free. PEACE & FREEDOM, JOE! PAYNE TO THE MEN AT THE CENTER, I know it doesn't seem like it but you are lucky. Your time is short this time and it’s a piece of cake compared to prison. I wish to have thought about life more seriously when I was in juvenile lock up, but I was dumb. I didn't learn and I went right back to getting high and drunk, skipping school, and ripping people off. I didn't think about my choices, freedom or my future. I ended up in prison! I deserved better for myself, but I didn't get it because I didn't take choices that would keep me out of prison. I ended up an addict and alcoholic with no education, no good job, and “no freedom” Do yourselves a big favor man; figure out what you want out of life and go for it. Don't let crime, dope and no education keep you from being free and having a real life. Life in lock-up ain't no life and I know you don't want prison for a home....unless you're dumb! STAND STRONG, JOE PAYNE