Terrible Tommy And Yucky Chucky
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Buck – A - Book Terrible Tommy And Yucky Chucky
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Buck-A-Book Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky© 2009, Thomas F. Shubnell. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Making copies of any part of this book for any purpose other than your own personal use is a violation of United States copyright laws. Entering any of the contents into a computer for mailing list or database purposes is strictly prohibited unless written authorization is obtained from the owner.
Cover and interior design by TFS
Autohagiography
If you enjoy this, you will also love, “Gracious Me . . . Is othing Sacred.” A non-sectarian and hilarious look at all religions from the beginning of time. It truly proves that laughter is good for the soul. Medical humor abounds in “Medical Humor” medical nonsense to tickle your funnybone. A great collection of medical funny stuff, including stories, jokes, and hilarious pictures and cartoons. Another wacky book, “Men vs. Women, a Book of Lists” examines life from a different perspective and tells it all - the differences between the sexes are real and funny. Even more fun can be found in “The Best of Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky,” a collection of the best Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky jokes of all time. More hilarious reading can be found in “Giggles, Gags, and Quips, Special Picks” a collection of the best jokes, pictures, billboards, stories, and cartoons. Also collect all the “Greatest Jokes of the Century” series of books. They are wildly funny and hilarious compendiums of the greatest jokes, tidbits, stories, and trivia that are sure to induce uncontrollable laughter. The best bathroom reading since Readers Digest. All written by Thomas F. Shubnell and available at Amazon.com Also ask for them at your favorite bookstore You might want to try out some other Buck-a-Book e-books at my website: shubsbooks.com Or visit my blog at: shubsthoughts.blogspot.com
Table of Contents
Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky ......................................5
Quickies ........................................................................ 6 Stories .........................................................................................15
Gourmet Grocery ........................................................ 16 Fifty Dollars................................................................ 17 Ice Cream.................................................................... 18 Lightning Flashes........................................................ 19 Families ...................................................................... 20 Summer Vacation ....................................................... 21 Fish ............................................................................. 22 Lawnmower ................................................................ 23 Refrigerator Art .......................................................... 24 Grandma and the TV .................................................. 25 Mermaid...................................................................... 26 Tommy and Daddy ..................................................... 28 Rabbits ........................................................................ 29 Memorial Plaque......................................................... 30 Tommy Goes to School .............................................................31
School Daze................................................................ 32 Spelling Words ........................................................... 43 Tommy and Chucky.................................................... 44 English Teacher .......................................................... 45
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky
5
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
QUICKIES
Terrible Tommy started his antics at a very young age. In the hospital nursery there were two babies in cribs next to each other. One looked over to the Tommy and said, “Hi, I’m a little girl baby.” Tommy said, “Hi, I’m a little boy baby.” The little girl baby said, “Can you prove it?” Tommy looked around to make sure that all the nurses had left. He slowly lifted his little night gown up and said, “See, blue booties.”
y ? Terrible Tommy is standing quietly for a long while. He is watching a priest repairing the church fence. The priest asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?” “No, I’m just waiting.” replies Tommy. “Waiting for what?” asks the priest. Tommy answers, “I want to know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer.”
y ? Tommy says to his girlfriend Sally, “Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the heck out of me.”
y ? 6
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy and his dad entered their vacation cabin and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Tommy noticed them before his dad and said, “It’s no use dad. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
y ? Yucky Chucky was playing with his little brother Terrible Tommy when Tommy asked whether he could fly like Superman. “Sure you can,” Chucky said, “Just flap your arms really, really hard.” So Tommy climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below. Their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the heck just happened?” Chucky said, “I was just teaching Tommy not to believe everything someone tells him.”
y ? Terrible Tommy called his grandfather to wish him Happy Birthday. He asked his granddad how old he was, and he told him, “Sixty-two.” Tommy was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at one?”
y ? 7
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy goes into his parents’ bedroom, catches them in the act, and promptly runs away. His dad eventually goes to look for him and hears some familiar noises. Opening the door he sees his son on top of his grandmother, doing the business. “What the heck are you doing?” he shouts. Tommy looks over his shoulder and says, “Oh yeh, a bit different when it’s your mom, isn’t it?
y ? Terrible Tommy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. “Now, young man,” asked the dentist, “What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?” “Chocolate, please,” replied Tommy.
y ? Terrible Tommy and his friend Jimmy Koch were engaging in a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Jimmy starts, “My Father is better than your Father.” Tommy, “No, he’s not.” Jimmy, “My brother is better than you brother.” Tommy, “He is not. He is not.” Jimmy, “My Mother is better than your Mother.” A long pause ensued and finally Tommy says, “I guess you got me there. I’ve heard my dad say the same thing.”
y ? Tommy comes home from school and his mom says, “What did you learn in school?” He replies, “Obviously not enough, because I have to go back again tomorrow.” 8
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
y ? The game warden spied Terrible Tommy carrying a wild turkey. He stopped him and asked, “Where did you get that turkey?” Tommy replied, “What turkey?” The game warden said, “The turkey under your arm.” Tommy looked down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done snuck up right under my arm.” The game warden said, “Now look, son, you know turkey season is over, so whatever you do to that turkey, I am going to do to you. So, exactly what are you going to do with that bird?” Terrible Tommy said, “I’m going to kiss his butt and let him go.”
y ? His father asked Yucky Chucky why he was crying. “I cleaned the bird cage and the canary disappeared,” sobbed Chucky. “How did you clean it,” asked his dad. Chucky replied, “With the vacuum cleaner.”
y ? Tommy asks his father, “What is the difference between fornication and adultery?” His dad answers, “I’ve tried both and I can’t tell any difference.” 9
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
y ? It was during supper that Terrible Tommy said, “Are caterpillars good to eat?” “I have told you before Tommy, don’t talk about such things at the dinner table,” said his father. The question though, drew the mother’s curiosity, “Why did you ask the question, son?” Tommy said, “Because I saw one on dad’s lettuce and now it’s gone.”
y ? Terrible Tommy swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double scotch on the rocks.” “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked. “Maybe later,” Tommy said, “Right now, I just want the scotch.”
y ? Tommy was looking through the family photo album. “Mom, who is the guy with all the muscles and curly hair on the beach with you?” “That’s your father.” “Then who is the old, bald-headed, fat guy living with us now?”
y ? 10
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
“Dad,” said Yucky Chucky, “We had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word.” “That’s too bad Chucky,” consoled his father, “What was the word?” “Posse.” “No wonder you couldn’t spell it dummy. You can’t even pronounce it correctly.”
y ? A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that Terrible Tommy had been helping himself to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. He decides to put up a sign that reads, “WARNING: ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE.” The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another handwritten sign that reads, “NOW THERE ARE TWO.”
y ? A woman answered her front door and found Terrible Tommy standing there holding a long list. “Excuse me,” he explained, “I am on a scavenger hunt. I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper, to earn a dollar.” “Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?” Tommy answered, “My babysitter’s boyfriend.” 11
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y ? A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons. The boys began to argue over which one would get the first pancake. Their wise mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait’.” Yucky Chucky turned to his younger brother and said, “Tommy, you be Jesus.”
y ? Terrible Tommy was mother’s helper. He helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then his mother noticed something was missing. “Tommy,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork in front of Mr. Smith’s place.” “I thought he wouldn’t need them, because daddy says he always eats like a horse.”
y ? Yucky Chucky was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. “Chucky,” said his teacher. “I just bet Miss Smith five dollars that I can get you to say three words.” Chucky looked at her sadly and said, “You lose.”
y ? 12
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Terrible Tommy is sitting by himself in the local park. Along comes Patty chewing on a piece of gum. “Hey Tommy, wanna play doctor?” Tommy lets out a puff of smoke, “Nah, that’s too old fashioned.” Tommy takes another drag and says, “Spit out your gum, I wanna play President.”
y ? A young new psychotherapist was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his wares, so he asked Terrible Tommy to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance. His business began to slow. He especially noticed the ladies shying away from his office after reading the sign board, so he decided to check out the looks of his new sign. Tommy could only find a small wooden board so he had to split the word in three places. The sign read, Psychotherapist.
y ? Terrible Tommy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. The optician said, “Sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board? Tommy replied, “Yeah, the smallest words on the board are, ‘Made in USA’.”
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y ? Tommy questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness, “Ain’t Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?” “Don’t say ‘ain’t’, Tommy,” the old lady corrected. “Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?” “It ain’t swearin’ to say it, is it Gramma?” “Don’t say ‘ain’t’, Tommy. No, it isn’t swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?” He answers, “Cause if Marcia keeps on eating so much candy, she’ll Rotterdam head off.”
y ? Terrible Tommy’s dad had been a soldier in Iraq for more than three years. During that time he had engaged in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in all that time. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son, Tommy spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, mommy, here comes dad, and he has a purple heart on.” His mother replied, “I don’t give a darn what color it is. Let him in, and you go play at Richie’s for a couple hours.
y ? Terrible Tommy says, “A good mom lets you lick the beaters. A great mom turns off the mixer first.”
y ? 14
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Stories
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GOURMET GROCERY
A customer at Shubnell’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me Chucky, what makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Chucky replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear, “Since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret, fish heads. You eat enough of them, you will be positively brilliant.” “Do you sell them here?” the customer asks. “Only four bucks apiece,” says Yucky Chucky. The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough,” says Chucky. The customer goes home with twenty more fish heads. Two weeks later, he is back and this time he is really angry. “Hey Chucky,” he says, “You are selling me fish heads for four dollars apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for two dollars. You’re ripping me off.” Chucky says, “See, you are smarter already.”
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FIFTY DOLLARS
One day Terrible Tommy and his two friends were out on the porch. Tommy always watched the neighbor’s house as men would knock on the door hand the lady that answered the door fifty dollars, they would go inside, and the man would walk out smiling. Tommy decided to find out what the men were smiling about, so the boys gathered up as much money as they could. They chipped in and had five dollars, so the boys go walking toward the house. Tommy walks up to the door with his five dollars, knocks on the door. A huge madam opens the door, looks down and asks, “What do you want little boy”? Tommy replies, “I want the same thing everyone else gets.” She smiles and takes his five dollars, then lifts her dress up, grabs Tommy’s face and rubs it in the wet spot. Tommy breaks free and runs down the street. His two friends try to catch him as he is darting down the road. Finally they catch up to him and are walking together. After a few minutes of silence, Tommy looks at his friends and says, “You know, I could not have stood there for fifty dollars of that.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
ICE CREAM
Terrible Tommy wants to eat the double chocolate chip ice cream but his mom refuses to let him. He asks her, “Why?” His mom: Because. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because I said so. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because I’m your mom. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because it’s too close to supper. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because you’ll spoil your appetite. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because if you don’t eat your supper, you will never grow up and stop asking me questions. Tommy: Why? Mom: (angry) If you ask me why one more time, I’m going to explode! Silence for a minute. Tommy: When?
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LIGHTNING FLASHES
Terrible Tommy walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was unsettled and clouds were forming, he took his normal stroll to his primary school many blocks away. As the day passed, the weather became more inclement, the wind whistled stronger and there was some loud thunder and fierce lightning. Tommy’s mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school. She was afraid of an electrical storm and thought that it might harm her child. All of a sudden, there was a massive clap of thunder and lightning flashed in the sky like a fireball from heaven. Tommy’s mother was terrified. She jumped into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. Soon she saw Tommy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, he would stop, look up, and smile. One followed another, each with him stopping, looking at the streak of light, and smiling. Finally, his mother called him over to the car and asked, “Tommy darling, what are you doing?” Tommy answered brightly, “God keeps taking pictures of me.”
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FAMILIES
Terrible Tommy was thinking about the bible stories and asked his mother, “Where did humans come from?” His mother answered, “Well dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind descended from them.” Then he asked her father the same question. His father answered, “Over millions of years, humans developed from apes.” The confused boy returned to his mother and told her what his dad said and asked, “Mom, why did you say we were created by God while dad said we descended from monkeys?” Mother answered, “That is simple Tommy, I was talking about my family’s origins, and your father was talking about his.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
SUMMER VACATION
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Suzie was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked “What will you be doing this summer?” “I and my family will go to the beach a lot,” Paula Van De Putte answered. “That sounds like fun,” said Miss Suzie. “How about you, Sharon? What will you do this summer?” “My family just bought new bikes and we will ride together.” Sharon Koehnel replied enthusiastically. “That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Terrible Tommy in the back of the room. “What will you do this summer, Tommy?” “Nothing,” he responded timidly. “Nothing? Aren’t you going to do anything with your family?” she asked, trying to get him to use his imagination. “Nothing.” He replied - “Will you go to the beach?” “No.” - “Will you ride bikes?” “No, never.” Tommy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together.” “Why not?” said the shocked Miss Suzie. “I don’t know,” explained Tommy, “But dad always says, when mom and sis start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the heck out of town.”
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FISH
Terrible Tommy’s father hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, Tommy stared at his father’s boss sitting across from him. He could hardly eat his food, because he was staring so much. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped Tommy from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore him, but finally it was too much. He asked Tommy, “Why are you staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed Tommy’s behavior and the table went quiet for the response. Tommy said, “My dad said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it when you do.”
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LAWNMOWER
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon Terrible Tommy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. “I just want to make enough money to go out and buy a bicycle,” said Tommy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” Tommy asked if he could try it out first and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Preacher, you have a deal.” The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called Tommy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.” Tommy said, “I have watched my dad and he always cusses to get it started. Why not try to cuss at it and see if it will start.” The preacher said, “I can’t cuss. It has been so long since I became a preacher that I don’t even remember how to cuss.” Tommy looked at him, smiled, and said, “You just keep pulling on that rope. It will come back to you.”
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REFRIGERATOR ART
Terrible Tommy was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, mom,” with a proud smile on his face. “That’s wonderful.” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so your father can see when he gets home tonight.” Tommy’s mom happily thought that her son’s Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen, “Mom?” How do you spell, “Zilla?”
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GRANDMA AND THE TV
Terrible Tommy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing with his toys in her bedroom while she was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend now that grandpa has gone to heaven?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I am happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. She became frustrated and started to hit the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. Tommy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello young man, is your grandma home?” Tommy replied, “Yeh, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.
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MERMAID
Terrible Tommy lived on a farm with his farmer father and mother and two brothers. They had one cow, on which the family depended for its livelihood. One morning, his dad awakens and goes outside to milk the cow. Upon going into the barn, he sees that the cow is dead. The farmer panics and hoping that his life insurance will support his family; he gets his gun and shoots himself. Tommy’s mother hears the shot and wakes up. She goes outside and finds both their precious cow and her beloved husband dead. In a fit of grief, she decides she can’t go on and hangs herself. Tommy’s older brother, Yucky Chucky, finally wakes up and goes outside to investigate the noises that he had heard. He finds both his parents and the cow, dead. He is overwhelmed by this loss. He can’t go on, so he runs down to the river to drown himself. In the river is a beautiful mermaid. She says to him, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river. I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me at least 5 times.” He is unable to resist such an offer and accepts. However, Yucky Chucky is only able to perform with the mermaid 4 times, so the mermaid lets him drown in the river. Soon, Johnny wakes up and goes outside, sees his parents and the cow dead, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is still there, and says, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river.” 26
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She continues, “I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me at least 10 times.” Johnny accepts her offer, but after only 8 times, he is completely worn out, so the mermaid lets him drown in the river. Finally, Terrible Tommy wakes up and discovers his dead parents and the cow. He looks around and can’t find his brothers either, so he runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is still there at the river and says, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river. I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 15 times.” Tommy looks at her and says, “Only 15 times? Why not 20, or 25 times? Heck, why not have sex 30 times?” Hearing this, the mermaid is shocked and skeptical, but replies, “OK. If you can have sex with me 30 times, I will bring your entire family and the cow back to life and all will be in perfect health.” They are just about to go at it, when Tommy stops and says, “Wait a minute. How do I know 30 times won’t kill you like it killed the cow?”
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TOMMY AND DADDY
Terrible Tommy sees his daddy’s car pass the playground and continue right into the woods. He follows the car and sees daddy and Aunt Mary in a passionate embrace. Tommy finds this so exciting and can scarcely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother. Mommy, “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods, and he had Aunt Mary with him in the car. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Mary a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Mary helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Mary laid down on the seat, then daddy began. . .” At this point, his mother stopped him and said, “Tommy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell the whole story tonight.” At the dinner table, his mother asks Tommy to tell his story. Tommy starts his story, describing the car driving past the playground and into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat. Tommy said, “Then daddy and Aunt Mary started doing that same thing mommy and Uncle George do when daddy goes to work.”
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RABBITS
The teacher was teaching his math class one day and he said, “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?” Terrible Tommy raised his hand and said, “Seven.” The teacher asked Tommy to listen carefully again, “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?” Tommy replied, “Seven.” The teacher said, “Let’s try another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples do you have?” Tommy replied, “Six.” The teacher is finally making progress and he says, “That is good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have? Tommy replied, “Seven.” Now the teacher is frustrated. He asked Tommy, “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits are seven?” Tommy said, “I already have one rabbit at home.”
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MEMORIAL PLAQUE
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Terrible Tommy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the vestibule of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on the sides of it. He had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, “Good morning, Tommy.” “Good morning,” replied Tommy, still focused on the plaque. “What is this?” Tommy asked. “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” They stood together for a while, just staring at the large plaque. Tommy’s voice began to tremble and was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the nine or the noon?”
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Tommy Goes to School
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SCHOOL DAZE
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?” Terrible Tommy: “One dollar.” Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Terrible Tommy: “You don’t know my father.”
D Teacher: “In history we have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Can you name another Age?” Terrible Tommy: “The sausage.”
D The teacher asked Tommy why he was not working on the assignment and he replied, “I ain’t got no damn pencil.” Naturally, she attempted to correct him at once, “Tommy, it is I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. He does not have a pencil. We do not have any pencils, and they do not have any pencils. Is that clear?” “No teacher,” said Tommy. “What the hell happened to all the damn pencils?”
D Teacher: “If ‘can’t’ is short for ‘cannot’, what is ‘don’t’ short for?” Terrible Tommy: “Doughnut.” 32
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D Teacher: “What are you going to be when you grow up?” Terrible Tommy: “A soldier.” Teacher: “What if you get killed?” Terrible Tommy: “Who would kill me?” Teacher: “The enemy.” Terrible Tommy: “Then I’ll be the enemy.”
D Teacher: “I would take great pleasure in giving you a 90 on the test.” Terrible Tommy: “Why don’t you give me a 100 and really enjoy yourself?”
D During sex education class the teacher was teaching abstinence as an option to the children. She said, “In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question, ‘is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse, a lifetime of shame and regret’? Now, are there any questions?” Terrible Tommy raised his hand and asked, “Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour?”
D Dad: “I’m sorry you flunked your math test. How far were you from the right answer?” Terrible Tommy: “Three seats.” 33
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D Teacher: “Spell ‘cattle’.” Terrible Tommy: “C-A-T-T-T-L-E.” Teacher: “Leave out one of the ‘T’s.” Terrible Tommy: “Which one?”
D Yucky Chucky asks Tommy, “How is your history paper coming?” Terrible Tommy says, “My history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful. Chucky says, “Really?” Tommy responds, “Yes. I already located twenty people who sell history papers.”
D Teacher: “I asked you to come in to discuss Terrible Tommy’s appearance.” Terrible Tommy’s Mother: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?” Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”
D Teacher: “Do you like going to school?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, and I like to come home too. It’s the staying there in between that I don’t like.” 34
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D Terrible Tommy’s teacher asks him, “Tommy, give me a sentence using the words, ‘bitter end’ in it. He thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bit ‘er end.”
D Teacher: “Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had fifty dollars in it. I know you are all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of five dollars to the person who returns it.” Terrible Tommy (from back of room): “I’m offering ten.”
D Principal: “What’s your name, young man?” Terrible Tommy: “Tommy” Principal: “Say ‘sir’.” Terrible Tommy: “All right, Sir Tommy.”
D “Music is my worst subject,” Terrible Tommy noted flatly.
D Mom: “I’m a little worried about your being at the bottom of your class.” Terrible Tommy: “Don’t worry – they teach the same thing at both ends.” 35
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D Principal: “Tommy, did you really call your teacher a meanie?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, I did.” Principal: “And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, it is.” Principal: “And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?” Terrible Tommy: “No, but I’ll remember that for next time!”
D Terrible Tommy is at school one day and while he is away from home, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. When he arrives home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console Tommy saying, “Don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.” Tommy replied, “What the heck is God gonna do with a dead cat?”
D History Teacher: “Why did the Lewis and Clark cross the country in canoes?” Terrible Tommy: “They didn’t want to wait another hundred years for a train.”
D 36
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Mom: “Sit down and show me your report card.” Terrible Tommy: “I can’t sit down – I just showed it to dad.”
D The teacher was teaching students about magnets and says, “This morning we are going to discuss something that starts with the letter ‘M’. It has six letters and picks up things. What is it?” Terrible Tommy answers, “Mother.”
D A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, “Terrible Tommy Poole, has the biggest tool, in the whole damn school.” She yells, “Who is Tommy Poole?” Tommy, who is in the back of the room, stands up and says, “I’m Tommy Poole.” “Well Tommy, you are staying after school.” The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it is, “It’s very wise to advertise.”
D Terrible Tommy: “What is ‘extinct’?” Teacher: “Well, if all life on earth were wiped out, you could say the human race was extinct.” Terrible Tommy: “But who would you say it to?” 37
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Dad: “Look at this report card, your teacher says she can’t teach you anything.” Terrible Tommy: “I told you she was no good.”
D Math Teacher: “If you had four apples and I asked you for two, what would you have?” Terrible Tommy: “Four.” Math Teacher: “Four? Why not two?” Terrible Tommy: “I wouldn’t give you any.”
D Math Teacher: “I wish you would pay a little attention to your Math.” Terrible Tommy: “I do. I pay as little attention as possible.”
D Terrible Tommy: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “No, of course not.” Terrible Tommy: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
D Teacher: “You should not say, ‘I ain’t going.’ You should say, ‘I am not going, he is not going, they are not going’.” Terrible Tommy: “Gee teach, ain’t anybody going?” 38
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D The teacher was trying to get his history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. The teacher asked, “How would you feel if someone showed up on your doorstep and who looked very different, spoke a strange language, and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn’t you be afraid?” “No,” answered Terrible Tommy, “I would just figure that it was my sister Joanne’s date.”
D Mom: “How do you like your new English teacher?” Terrible Tommy: “I think she’s biased.” Mom: “What do you mean?” Terrible Tommy: “She thinks words can only be spelled one way.”
D Terrible Tommy: “The dog ate my homework.” Teacher: “Tommy, you don’t have a dog.” Terrible Tommy: “It was a stray.”
D Terrible Tommy: “What good is the rain?” Teacher: “It makes things grow – the grass, the flowers, the bees.” Terrible Tommy: “Then why does it rain on the sidewalk?” 39
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Mother, “Why are you home from school so early?” Tommy, “I was the only one who could answer a question.” Mother, “Really? What was the question?” Tommy, “Who threw the eraser at the principal?”
D Mom: “Why aren’t you doing very well in history?” Tommy: “Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.”
D History Teacher: “When was Rome built?” Terrible Tommy: “At night.” History Teacher: “Why did you say that?” Terrible Tommy: “Because my dad says that Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
D The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except Terrible Tommy, who sat motionless, and didn’t write a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when Tommy sat up and scrawled a sentence. It read, “Rain - No game.”
D 40
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Teacher writes, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard. Teacher: Is the sum right? Jimmy: Wrong. Tommy: Right. Jimmy: Wrong. Tommy: Right Jimmy: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right? Tommy: Right. Jimmy: Then why did you say 3 + 7 = 9, right? Tommy: Because you said it is wrong and I agreed with you.
D During an English lesson, the teacher notices that Terrible Tommy was not paying attention to him. . . Teacher said, “Tommy, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.” Tommy thought about it and replied, “I saw a dead body cycling to school.”
D The teacher said to Terrible Tommy, “You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?” Tommy replied, “No, teacher I’m having trouble listening”
D 41
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Tommy had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Hold on,” she said. “I had Tommy with me for the entire summer and I never called you when he misbehaved.”
D It was the first day of a new school year. Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy “Why are you tardy,” the boy replies “I’ve been on Blueberry Hill,” the teacher said, “Take your seat.” She asks the next boy why he was late. “I was on Blueberry Hill also,” he replied. Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer. As the boys we’re sitting down a girl arrives in. “Let me guess,” said the teacher. “You were on Blueberry Hill also.” “No, my name is Blueberry Hill,” replied the girl.
D
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
SPELLING WORDS
The teacher decided to give the class a pop quiz on this week’s spelling words. “Now, class, you are to spell the words, then use them in a sentence,” explains the teacher. “The three words are hotel, stigma, and homosexual.” Terrible Tommy stands up and says, “OK teach, I’ll give it a shot. First word, H-O-T-E-L The president asked Monica to keep their affair under wraps, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.” The teacher says, “Uh, that’s not the correct way to use that word. Try another one.” Tommy says, “Alright teach, S-T-I-G-M-A. The President said to Monica, “I want you to stig ma cigar in your know what.” Teacher says, “Now Tommy, you spelled the word right, but didn’t use it correctly.” “OK teach, how bout this, H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. The President asked Monica not to wear any panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
TOMMY AND CHUCKY
Chucky: “This class is so noisy I can’t hear myself speak.” Terrible Tommy: “You aren’t missing much.” Chucky: “What are you doing in school?” Terrible Tommy: “Taking a part in a guessing game.” Chucky: “I thought you were taking a Math test?” Terrible Tommy: “I am.” Chucky: “What are you doing with a hot dog on your ear?” Terrible Tommy: “Darn, I must have eaten my pencil.” Chucky: “What did the teacher think of your idea?” Terrible Tommy: “She took it like a lamb.” Chucky: “What did she say?” Terrible Tommy: “Baaad.” Chucky: “What do you want to do?” Terrible Tommy: “Let’s flip a coin. Heads we go fishing and tails we go biking. If it lands on its side we go home and study.” Chucky: “What happened to you?” Terrible Tommy: “I just had a run-in with the school bully.” Chucky: “How did it happen?” Terrible Tommy: “He said he had half a mind to beat me up.” Chucky: “And you agreed to let him beat you up?” Terrible Tommy: “No, I agreed that he had half a mind.” Chucky: “What’s the hardest thing for you in school?” Terrible Tommy: “Whispering to the person next to me without moving my lips.”
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ENGLISH TEACHER
English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?” Terrible Tommy: “The same as everyone else.” English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.” Terrible Tommy: “One-a-see, two-a-see...” English Teacher: “Use the following word in a sentence: ‘districts’.” Terrible Tommy: “Districts the best one since Houdini.” English Teacher: “Now use the word ‘flounder’.” Terrible Tommy: “I looked for my sister and flounder in the library.” English Teacher: “How about the word ‘decide’?” Terrible Tommy: “My dad got a flat tire so he pulled over to decide of de road.” English Teacher: “Try, ‘boycott’.” Terrible Tommy: “The boycott his pants on the fence.” English Teacher: “Now use, ‘centimeter’.” Terrible Tommy: “My sister was late walking home from school, so I was centimeter.” English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘terrain’.” Terrible Tommy: “The weather channel says it is supposed terrain today.” English Teacher: “Try the word ‘information’.” Terrible Tommy: “Sometimes ducks fly information.” English Teacher: “Now try, ‘hatchet’.” Terrible Tommy: “The chicken sat on the egg to hatchet.”
45
He who laughs. . . lasts!
Laughter is good for the soul Laughter is good for the heart It can never be stolen If you give it away, it comes back Once you have it, you always want more
“Break the rules... forgive quickly... kiss slowly... love deeply... laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made you smile.” ~ Unknown
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Uipnbt!G/!Tivcofmm!
Buck-A-Book Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky© 2009, Thomas F. Shubnell. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Making copies of any part of this book for any purpose other than your own personal use is a violation of United States copyright laws. Entering any of the contents into a computer for mailing list or database purposes is strictly prohibited unless written authorization is obtained from the owner.
Cover and interior design by TFS
Autohagiography
If you enjoy this, you will also love, “Gracious Me . . . Is othing Sacred.” A non-sectarian and hilarious look at all religions from the beginning of time. It truly proves that laughter is good for the soul. Medical humor abounds in “Medical Humor” medical nonsense to tickle your funnybone. A great collection of medical funny stuff, including stories, jokes, and hilarious pictures and cartoons. Another wacky book, “Men vs. Women, a Book of Lists” examines life from a different perspective and tells it all - the differences between the sexes are real and funny. Even more fun can be found in “The Best of Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky,” a collection of the best Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky jokes of all time. More hilarious reading can be found in “Giggles, Gags, and Quips, Special Picks” a collection of the best jokes, pictures, billboards, stories, and cartoons. Also collect all the “Greatest Jokes of the Century” series of books. They are wildly funny and hilarious compendiums of the greatest jokes, tidbits, stories, and trivia that are sure to induce uncontrollable laughter. The best bathroom reading since Readers Digest. All written by Thomas F. Shubnell and available at Amazon.com Also ask for them at your favorite bookstore You might want to try out some other Buck-a-Book e-books at my website: shubsbooks.com Or visit my blog at: shubsthoughts.blogspot.com
Table of Contents
Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky ......................................5
Quickies ........................................................................ 6 Stories .........................................................................................15
Gourmet Grocery ........................................................ 16 Fifty Dollars................................................................ 17 Ice Cream.................................................................... 18 Lightning Flashes........................................................ 19 Families ...................................................................... 20 Summer Vacation ....................................................... 21 Fish ............................................................................. 22 Lawnmower ................................................................ 23 Refrigerator Art .......................................................... 24 Grandma and the TV .................................................. 25 Mermaid...................................................................... 26 Tommy and Daddy ..................................................... 28 Rabbits ........................................................................ 29 Memorial Plaque......................................................... 30 Tommy Goes to School .............................................................31
School Daze................................................................ 32 Spelling Words ........................................................... 43 Tommy and Chucky.................................................... 44 English Teacher .......................................................... 45
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky
5
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
QUICKIES
Terrible Tommy started his antics at a very young age. In the hospital nursery there were two babies in cribs next to each other. One looked over to the Tommy and said, “Hi, I’m a little girl baby.” Tommy said, “Hi, I’m a little boy baby.” The little girl baby said, “Can you prove it?” Tommy looked around to make sure that all the nurses had left. He slowly lifted his little night gown up and said, “See, blue booties.”
y ? Terrible Tommy is standing quietly for a long while. He is watching a priest repairing the church fence. The priest asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?” “No, I’m just waiting.” replies Tommy. “Waiting for what?” asks the priest. Tommy answers, “I want to know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer.”
y ? Tommy says to his girlfriend Sally, “Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the heck out of me.”
y ? 6
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy and his dad entered their vacation cabin and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Tommy noticed them before his dad and said, “It’s no use dad. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
y ? Yucky Chucky was playing with his little brother Terrible Tommy when Tommy asked whether he could fly like Superman. “Sure you can,” Chucky said, “Just flap your arms really, really hard.” So Tommy climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below. Their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the heck just happened?” Chucky said, “I was just teaching Tommy not to believe everything someone tells him.”
y ? Terrible Tommy called his grandfather to wish him Happy Birthday. He asked his granddad how old he was, and he told him, “Sixty-two.” Tommy was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at one?”
y ? 7
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy goes into his parents’ bedroom, catches them in the act, and promptly runs away. His dad eventually goes to look for him and hears some familiar noises. Opening the door he sees his son on top of his grandmother, doing the business. “What the heck are you doing?” he shouts. Tommy looks over his shoulder and says, “Oh yeh, a bit different when it’s your mom, isn’t it?
y ? Terrible Tommy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. “Now, young man,” asked the dentist, “What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?” “Chocolate, please,” replied Tommy.
y ? Terrible Tommy and his friend Jimmy Koch were engaging in a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Jimmy starts, “My Father is better than your Father.” Tommy, “No, he’s not.” Jimmy, “My brother is better than you brother.” Tommy, “He is not. He is not.” Jimmy, “My Mother is better than your Mother.” A long pause ensued and finally Tommy says, “I guess you got me there. I’ve heard my dad say the same thing.”
y ? Tommy comes home from school and his mom says, “What did you learn in school?” He replies, “Obviously not enough, because I have to go back again tomorrow.” 8
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
y ? The game warden spied Terrible Tommy carrying a wild turkey. He stopped him and asked, “Where did you get that turkey?” Tommy replied, “What turkey?” The game warden said, “The turkey under your arm.” Tommy looked down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done snuck up right under my arm.” The game warden said, “Now look, son, you know turkey season is over, so whatever you do to that turkey, I am going to do to you. So, exactly what are you going to do with that bird?” Terrible Tommy said, “I’m going to kiss his butt and let him go.”
y ? His father asked Yucky Chucky why he was crying. “I cleaned the bird cage and the canary disappeared,” sobbed Chucky. “How did you clean it,” asked his dad. Chucky replied, “With the vacuum cleaner.”
y ? Tommy asks his father, “What is the difference between fornication and adultery?” His dad answers, “I’ve tried both and I can’t tell any difference.” 9
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
y ? It was during supper that Terrible Tommy said, “Are caterpillars good to eat?” “I have told you before Tommy, don’t talk about such things at the dinner table,” said his father. The question though, drew the mother’s curiosity, “Why did you ask the question, son?” Tommy said, “Because I saw one on dad’s lettuce and now it’s gone.”
y ? Terrible Tommy swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double scotch on the rocks.” “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked. “Maybe later,” Tommy said, “Right now, I just want the scotch.”
y ? Tommy was looking through the family photo album. “Mom, who is the guy with all the muscles and curly hair on the beach with you?” “That’s your father.” “Then who is the old, bald-headed, fat guy living with us now?”
y ? 10
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
“Dad,” said Yucky Chucky, “We had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word.” “That’s too bad Chucky,” consoled his father, “What was the word?” “Posse.” “No wonder you couldn’t spell it dummy. You can’t even pronounce it correctly.”
y ? A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that Terrible Tommy had been helping himself to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. He decides to put up a sign that reads, “WARNING: ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE.” The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another handwritten sign that reads, “NOW THERE ARE TWO.”
y ? A woman answered her front door and found Terrible Tommy standing there holding a long list. “Excuse me,” he explained, “I am on a scavenger hunt. I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper, to earn a dollar.” “Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?” Tommy answered, “My babysitter’s boyfriend.” 11
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y ? A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons. The boys began to argue over which one would get the first pancake. Their wise mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait’.” Yucky Chucky turned to his younger brother and said, “Tommy, you be Jesus.”
y ? Terrible Tommy was mother’s helper. He helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then his mother noticed something was missing. “Tommy,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork in front of Mr. Smith’s place.” “I thought he wouldn’t need them, because daddy says he always eats like a horse.”
y ? Yucky Chucky was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. “Chucky,” said his teacher. “I just bet Miss Smith five dollars that I can get you to say three words.” Chucky looked at her sadly and said, “You lose.”
y ? 12
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Terrible Tommy is sitting by himself in the local park. Along comes Patty chewing on a piece of gum. “Hey Tommy, wanna play doctor?” Tommy lets out a puff of smoke, “Nah, that’s too old fashioned.” Tommy takes another drag and says, “Spit out your gum, I wanna play President.”
y ? A young new psychotherapist was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his wares, so he asked Terrible Tommy to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance. His business began to slow. He especially noticed the ladies shying away from his office after reading the sign board, so he decided to check out the looks of his new sign. Tommy could only find a small wooden board so he had to split the word in three places. The sign read, Psychotherapist.
y ? Terrible Tommy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. The optician said, “Sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board? Tommy replied, “Yeah, the smallest words on the board are, ‘Made in USA’.”
13
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
y ? Tommy questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness, “Ain’t Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?” “Don’t say ‘ain’t’, Tommy,” the old lady corrected. “Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?” “It ain’t swearin’ to say it, is it Gramma?” “Don’t say ‘ain’t’, Tommy. No, it isn’t swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?” He answers, “Cause if Marcia keeps on eating so much candy, she’ll Rotterdam head off.”
y ? Terrible Tommy’s dad had been a soldier in Iraq for more than three years. During that time he had engaged in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in all that time. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son, Tommy spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, mommy, here comes dad, and he has a purple heart on.” His mother replied, “I don’t give a darn what color it is. Let him in, and you go play at Richie’s for a couple hours.
y ? Terrible Tommy says, “A good mom lets you lick the beaters. A great mom turns off the mixer first.”
y ? 14
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Stories
15
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
GOURMET GROCERY
A customer at Shubnell’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me Chucky, what makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Chucky replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear, “Since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret, fish heads. You eat enough of them, you will be positively brilliant.” “Do you sell them here?” the customer asks. “Only four bucks apiece,” says Yucky Chucky. The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough,” says Chucky. The customer goes home with twenty more fish heads. Two weeks later, he is back and this time he is really angry. “Hey Chucky,” he says, “You are selling me fish heads for four dollars apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for two dollars. You’re ripping me off.” Chucky says, “See, you are smarter already.”
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FIFTY DOLLARS
One day Terrible Tommy and his two friends were out on the porch. Tommy always watched the neighbor’s house as men would knock on the door hand the lady that answered the door fifty dollars, they would go inside, and the man would walk out smiling. Tommy decided to find out what the men were smiling about, so the boys gathered up as much money as they could. They chipped in and had five dollars, so the boys go walking toward the house. Tommy walks up to the door with his five dollars, knocks on the door. A huge madam opens the door, looks down and asks, “What do you want little boy”? Tommy replies, “I want the same thing everyone else gets.” She smiles and takes his five dollars, then lifts her dress up, grabs Tommy’s face and rubs it in the wet spot. Tommy breaks free and runs down the street. His two friends try to catch him as he is darting down the road. Finally they catch up to him and are walking together. After a few minutes of silence, Tommy looks at his friends and says, “You know, I could not have stood there for fifty dollars of that.”
17
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
ICE CREAM
Terrible Tommy wants to eat the double chocolate chip ice cream but his mom refuses to let him. He asks her, “Why?” His mom: Because. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because I said so. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because I’m your mom. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because it’s too close to supper. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because you’ll spoil your appetite. Tommy: Why? Mom: Because if you don’t eat your supper, you will never grow up and stop asking me questions. Tommy: Why? Mom: (angry) If you ask me why one more time, I’m going to explode! Silence for a minute. Tommy: When?
18
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
LIGHTNING FLASHES
Terrible Tommy walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was unsettled and clouds were forming, he took his normal stroll to his primary school many blocks away. As the day passed, the weather became more inclement, the wind whistled stronger and there was some loud thunder and fierce lightning. Tommy’s mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school. She was afraid of an electrical storm and thought that it might harm her child. All of a sudden, there was a massive clap of thunder and lightning flashed in the sky like a fireball from heaven. Tommy’s mother was terrified. She jumped into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. Soon she saw Tommy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, he would stop, look up, and smile. One followed another, each with him stopping, looking at the streak of light, and smiling. Finally, his mother called him over to the car and asked, “Tommy darling, what are you doing?” Tommy answered brightly, “God keeps taking pictures of me.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
FAMILIES
Terrible Tommy was thinking about the bible stories and asked his mother, “Where did humans come from?” His mother answered, “Well dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind descended from them.” Then he asked her father the same question. His father answered, “Over millions of years, humans developed from apes.” The confused boy returned to his mother and told her what his dad said and asked, “Mom, why did you say we were created by God while dad said we descended from monkeys?” Mother answered, “That is simple Tommy, I was talking about my family’s origins, and your father was talking about his.”
20
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
SUMMER VACATION
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Suzie was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked “What will you be doing this summer?” “I and my family will go to the beach a lot,” Paula Van De Putte answered. “That sounds like fun,” said Miss Suzie. “How about you, Sharon? What will you do this summer?” “My family just bought new bikes and we will ride together.” Sharon Koehnel replied enthusiastically. “That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Terrible Tommy in the back of the room. “What will you do this summer, Tommy?” “Nothing,” he responded timidly. “Nothing? Aren’t you going to do anything with your family?” she asked, trying to get him to use his imagination. “Nothing.” He replied - “Will you go to the beach?” “No.” - “Will you ride bikes?” “No, never.” Tommy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together.” “Why not?” said the shocked Miss Suzie. “I don’t know,” explained Tommy, “But dad always says, when mom and sis start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the heck out of town.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
FISH
Terrible Tommy’s father hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, Tommy stared at his father’s boss sitting across from him. He could hardly eat his food, because he was staring so much. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped Tommy from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore him, but finally it was too much. He asked Tommy, “Why are you staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed Tommy’s behavior and the table went quiet for the response. Tommy said, “My dad said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it when you do.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
LAWNMOWER
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon Terrible Tommy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. “I just want to make enough money to go out and buy a bicycle,” said Tommy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” Tommy asked if he could try it out first and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Preacher, you have a deal.” The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called Tommy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.” Tommy said, “I have watched my dad and he always cusses to get it started. Why not try to cuss at it and see if it will start.” The preacher said, “I can’t cuss. It has been so long since I became a preacher that I don’t even remember how to cuss.” Tommy looked at him, smiled, and said, “You just keep pulling on that rope. It will come back to you.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
REFRIGERATOR ART
Terrible Tommy was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, mom,” with a proud smile on his face. “That’s wonderful.” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so your father can see when he gets home tonight.” Tommy’s mom happily thought that her son’s Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen, “Mom?” How do you spell, “Zilla?”
24
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
GRANDMA AND THE TV
Terrible Tommy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing with his toys in her bedroom while she was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend now that grandpa has gone to heaven?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I am happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. She became frustrated and started to hit the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. Tommy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello young man, is your grandma home?” Tommy replied, “Yeh, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
MERMAID
Terrible Tommy lived on a farm with his farmer father and mother and two brothers. They had one cow, on which the family depended for its livelihood. One morning, his dad awakens and goes outside to milk the cow. Upon going into the barn, he sees that the cow is dead. The farmer panics and hoping that his life insurance will support his family; he gets his gun and shoots himself. Tommy’s mother hears the shot and wakes up. She goes outside and finds both their precious cow and her beloved husband dead. In a fit of grief, she decides she can’t go on and hangs herself. Tommy’s older brother, Yucky Chucky, finally wakes up and goes outside to investigate the noises that he had heard. He finds both his parents and the cow, dead. He is overwhelmed by this loss. He can’t go on, so he runs down to the river to drown himself. In the river is a beautiful mermaid. She says to him, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river. I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me at least 5 times.” He is unable to resist such an offer and accepts. However, Yucky Chucky is only able to perform with the mermaid 4 times, so the mermaid lets him drown in the river. Soon, Johnny wakes up and goes outside, sees his parents and the cow dead, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is still there, and says, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river.” 26
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
She continues, “I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me at least 10 times.” Johnny accepts her offer, but after only 8 times, he is completely worn out, so the mermaid lets him drown in the river. Finally, Terrible Tommy wakes up and discovers his dead parents and the cow. He looks around and can’t find his brothers either, so he runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is still there at the river and says, “I am the Magical Mermaid of the river. I have seen all that has happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 15 times.” Tommy looks at her and says, “Only 15 times? Why not 20, or 25 times? Heck, why not have sex 30 times?” Hearing this, the mermaid is shocked and skeptical, but replies, “OK. If you can have sex with me 30 times, I will bring your entire family and the cow back to life and all will be in perfect health.” They are just about to go at it, when Tommy stops and says, “Wait a minute. How do I know 30 times won’t kill you like it killed the cow?”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
TOMMY AND DADDY
Terrible Tommy sees his daddy’s car pass the playground and continue right into the woods. He follows the car and sees daddy and Aunt Mary in a passionate embrace. Tommy finds this so exciting and can scarcely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother. Mommy, “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods, and he had Aunt Mary with him in the car. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Mary a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Mary helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Mary laid down on the seat, then daddy began. . .” At this point, his mother stopped him and said, “Tommy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell the whole story tonight.” At the dinner table, his mother asks Tommy to tell his story. Tommy starts his story, describing the car driving past the playground and into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat. Tommy said, “Then daddy and Aunt Mary started doing that same thing mommy and Uncle George do when daddy goes to work.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
RABBITS
The teacher was teaching his math class one day and he said, “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?” Terrible Tommy raised his hand and said, “Seven.” The teacher asked Tommy to listen carefully again, “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?” Tommy replied, “Seven.” The teacher said, “Let’s try another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples do you have?” Tommy replied, “Six.” The teacher is finally making progress and he says, “That is good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have? Tommy replied, “Seven.” Now the teacher is frustrated. He asked Tommy, “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits are seven?” Tommy said, “I already have one rabbit at home.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
MEMORIAL PLAQUE
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Terrible Tommy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the vestibule of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on the sides of it. He had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, “Good morning, Tommy.” “Good morning,” replied Tommy, still focused on the plaque. “What is this?” Tommy asked. “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” They stood together for a while, just staring at the large plaque. Tommy’s voice began to tremble and was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the nine or the noon?”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Tommy Goes to School
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
SCHOOL DAZE
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?” Terrible Tommy: “One dollar.” Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Terrible Tommy: “You don’t know my father.”
D Teacher: “In history we have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Can you name another Age?” Terrible Tommy: “The sausage.”
D The teacher asked Tommy why he was not working on the assignment and he replied, “I ain’t got no damn pencil.” Naturally, she attempted to correct him at once, “Tommy, it is I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. He does not have a pencil. We do not have any pencils, and they do not have any pencils. Is that clear?” “No teacher,” said Tommy. “What the hell happened to all the damn pencils?”
D Teacher: “If ‘can’t’ is short for ‘cannot’, what is ‘don’t’ short for?” Terrible Tommy: “Doughnut.” 32
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Teacher: “What are you going to be when you grow up?” Terrible Tommy: “A soldier.” Teacher: “What if you get killed?” Terrible Tommy: “Who would kill me?” Teacher: “The enemy.” Terrible Tommy: “Then I’ll be the enemy.”
D Teacher: “I would take great pleasure in giving you a 90 on the test.” Terrible Tommy: “Why don’t you give me a 100 and really enjoy yourself?”
D During sex education class the teacher was teaching abstinence as an option to the children. She said, “In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question, ‘is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse, a lifetime of shame and regret’? Now, are there any questions?” Terrible Tommy raised his hand and asked, “Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour?”
D Dad: “I’m sorry you flunked your math test. How far were you from the right answer?” Terrible Tommy: “Three seats.” 33
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Teacher: “Spell ‘cattle’.” Terrible Tommy: “C-A-T-T-T-L-E.” Teacher: “Leave out one of the ‘T’s.” Terrible Tommy: “Which one?”
D Yucky Chucky asks Tommy, “How is your history paper coming?” Terrible Tommy says, “My history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful. Chucky says, “Really?” Tommy responds, “Yes. I already located twenty people who sell history papers.”
D Teacher: “I asked you to come in to discuss Terrible Tommy’s appearance.” Terrible Tommy’s Mother: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?” Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”
D Teacher: “Do you like going to school?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, and I like to come home too. It’s the staying there in between that I don’t like.” 34
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Terrible Tommy’s teacher asks him, “Tommy, give me a sentence using the words, ‘bitter end’ in it. He thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bit ‘er end.”
D Teacher: “Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had fifty dollars in it. I know you are all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of five dollars to the person who returns it.” Terrible Tommy (from back of room): “I’m offering ten.”
D Principal: “What’s your name, young man?” Terrible Tommy: “Tommy” Principal: “Say ‘sir’.” Terrible Tommy: “All right, Sir Tommy.”
D “Music is my worst subject,” Terrible Tommy noted flatly.
D Mom: “I’m a little worried about your being at the bottom of your class.” Terrible Tommy: “Don’t worry – they teach the same thing at both ends.” 35
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Principal: “Tommy, did you really call your teacher a meanie?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, I did.” Principal: “And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?” Terrible Tommy: “Yes, it is.” Principal: “And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?” Terrible Tommy: “No, but I’ll remember that for next time!”
D Terrible Tommy is at school one day and while he is away from home, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. When he arrives home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console Tommy saying, “Don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.” Tommy replied, “What the heck is God gonna do with a dead cat?”
D History Teacher: “Why did the Lewis and Clark cross the country in canoes?” Terrible Tommy: “They didn’t want to wait another hundred years for a train.”
D 36
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Mom: “Sit down and show me your report card.” Terrible Tommy: “I can’t sit down – I just showed it to dad.”
D The teacher was teaching students about magnets and says, “This morning we are going to discuss something that starts with the letter ‘M’. It has six letters and picks up things. What is it?” Terrible Tommy answers, “Mother.”
D A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, “Terrible Tommy Poole, has the biggest tool, in the whole damn school.” She yells, “Who is Tommy Poole?” Tommy, who is in the back of the room, stands up and says, “I’m Tommy Poole.” “Well Tommy, you are staying after school.” The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it is, “It’s very wise to advertise.”
D Terrible Tommy: “What is ‘extinct’?” Teacher: “Well, if all life on earth were wiped out, you could say the human race was extinct.” Terrible Tommy: “But who would you say it to?” 37
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Dad: “Look at this report card, your teacher says she can’t teach you anything.” Terrible Tommy: “I told you she was no good.”
D Math Teacher: “If you had four apples and I asked you for two, what would you have?” Terrible Tommy: “Four.” Math Teacher: “Four? Why not two?” Terrible Tommy: “I wouldn’t give you any.”
D Math Teacher: “I wish you would pay a little attention to your Math.” Terrible Tommy: “I do. I pay as little attention as possible.”
D Terrible Tommy: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “No, of course not.” Terrible Tommy: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
D Teacher: “You should not say, ‘I ain’t going.’ You should say, ‘I am not going, he is not going, they are not going’.” Terrible Tommy: “Gee teach, ain’t anybody going?” 38
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D The teacher was trying to get his history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. The teacher asked, “How would you feel if someone showed up on your doorstep and who looked very different, spoke a strange language, and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn’t you be afraid?” “No,” answered Terrible Tommy, “I would just figure that it was my sister Joanne’s date.”
D Mom: “How do you like your new English teacher?” Terrible Tommy: “I think she’s biased.” Mom: “What do you mean?” Terrible Tommy: “She thinks words can only be spelled one way.”
D Terrible Tommy: “The dog ate my homework.” Teacher: “Tommy, you don’t have a dog.” Terrible Tommy: “It was a stray.”
D Terrible Tommy: “What good is the rain?” Teacher: “It makes things grow – the grass, the flowers, the bees.” Terrible Tommy: “Then why does it rain on the sidewalk?” 39
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
D Mother, “Why are you home from school so early?” Tommy, “I was the only one who could answer a question.” Mother, “Really? What was the question?” Tommy, “Who threw the eraser at the principal?”
D Mom: “Why aren’t you doing very well in history?” Tommy: “Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.”
D History Teacher: “When was Rome built?” Terrible Tommy: “At night.” History Teacher: “Why did you say that?” Terrible Tommy: “Because my dad says that Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
D The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except Terrible Tommy, who sat motionless, and didn’t write a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when Tommy sat up and scrawled a sentence. It read, “Rain - No game.”
D 40
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Teacher writes, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard. Teacher: Is the sum right? Jimmy: Wrong. Tommy: Right. Jimmy: Wrong. Tommy: Right Jimmy: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right? Tommy: Right. Jimmy: Then why did you say 3 + 7 = 9, right? Tommy: Because you said it is wrong and I agreed with you.
D During an English lesson, the teacher notices that Terrible Tommy was not paying attention to him. . . Teacher said, “Tommy, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.” Tommy thought about it and replied, “I saw a dead body cycling to school.”
D The teacher said to Terrible Tommy, “You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?” Tommy replied, “No, teacher I’m having trouble listening”
D 41
Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
Tommy had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Hold on,” she said. “I had Tommy with me for the entire summer and I never called you when he misbehaved.”
D It was the first day of a new school year. Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy “Why are you tardy,” the boy replies “I’ve been on Blueberry Hill,” the teacher said, “Take your seat.” She asks the next boy why he was late. “I was on Blueberry Hill also,” he replied. Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer. As the boys we’re sitting down a girl arrives in. “Let me guess,” said the teacher. “You were on Blueberry Hill also.” “No, my name is Blueberry Hill,” replied the girl.
D
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
SPELLING WORDS
The teacher decided to give the class a pop quiz on this week’s spelling words. “Now, class, you are to spell the words, then use them in a sentence,” explains the teacher. “The three words are hotel, stigma, and homosexual.” Terrible Tommy stands up and says, “OK teach, I’ll give it a shot. First word, H-O-T-E-L The president asked Monica to keep their affair under wraps, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.” The teacher says, “Uh, that’s not the correct way to use that word. Try another one.” Tommy says, “Alright teach, S-T-I-G-M-A. The President said to Monica, “I want you to stig ma cigar in your know what.” Teacher says, “Now Tommy, you spelled the word right, but didn’t use it correctly.” “OK teach, how bout this, H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. The President asked Monica not to wear any panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
TOMMY AND CHUCKY
Chucky: “This class is so noisy I can’t hear myself speak.” Terrible Tommy: “You aren’t missing much.” Chucky: “What are you doing in school?” Terrible Tommy: “Taking a part in a guessing game.” Chucky: “I thought you were taking a Math test?” Terrible Tommy: “I am.” Chucky: “What are you doing with a hot dog on your ear?” Terrible Tommy: “Darn, I must have eaten my pencil.” Chucky: “What did the teacher think of your idea?” Terrible Tommy: “She took it like a lamb.” Chucky: “What did she say?” Terrible Tommy: “Baaad.” Chucky: “What do you want to do?” Terrible Tommy: “Let’s flip a coin. Heads we go fishing and tails we go biking. If it lands on its side we go home and study.” Chucky: “What happened to you?” Terrible Tommy: “I just had a run-in with the school bully.” Chucky: “How did it happen?” Terrible Tommy: “He said he had half a mind to beat me up.” Chucky: “And you agreed to let him beat you up?” Terrible Tommy: “No, I agreed that he had half a mind.” Chucky: “What’s the hardest thing for you in school?” Terrible Tommy: “Whispering to the person next to me without moving my lips.”
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Terrible Tommy & Yucky Chucky
ENGLISH TEACHER
English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?” Terrible Tommy: “The same as everyone else.” English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.” Terrible Tommy: “One-a-see, two-a-see...” English Teacher: “Use the following word in a sentence: ‘districts’.” Terrible Tommy: “Districts the best one since Houdini.” English Teacher: “Now use the word ‘flounder’.” Terrible Tommy: “I looked for my sister and flounder in the library.” English Teacher: “How about the word ‘decide’?” Terrible Tommy: “My dad got a flat tire so he pulled over to decide of de road.” English Teacher: “Try, ‘boycott’.” Terrible Tommy: “The boycott his pants on the fence.” English Teacher: “Now use, ‘centimeter’.” Terrible Tommy: “My sister was late walking home from school, so I was centimeter.” English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘terrain’.” Terrible Tommy: “The weather channel says it is supposed terrain today.” English Teacher: “Try the word ‘information’.” Terrible Tommy: “Sometimes ducks fly information.” English Teacher: “Now try, ‘hatchet’.” Terrible Tommy: “The chicken sat on the egg to hatchet.”
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He who laughs. . . lasts!
Laughter is good for the soul Laughter is good for the heart It can never be stolen If you give it away, it comes back Once you have it, you always want more
“Break the rules... forgive quickly... kiss slowly... love deeply... laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made you smile.” ~ Unknown
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