'tea Leaves' Radio Sitcom Script

‘Tea Leaves’ Episode one: “Thora Herd and the golden chariot” By Richard Sloat

Radio comedy, Non Audience, running time approx 15mins Characters: ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

Greg Gooch, Male, 35 years old Martin, Male, 19 years old Neighbour, Male, late 60’s Gene, Female, mid 50’s Bob, Male, mid 40’s, south London accent Thelonious, 35 years old, Talks in an overly dramatic, Shakespearian way. Securi-fist, squawks in a shrill computerised voice, Dalekesque

Premise: The show follows the everyday troubles of two thieves as they go about their business; visiting new places, meeting new people and robbing them. Greg is a self taught, self dubbed, ‘Master criminal’ hoping to pass on his wisdom to his apprentice Martin. Unfortunately for Martin, Greg seems to be more of an artless and blasé burglar with delusions of grandeur than a master thief.

‘Tea Leaves’ Ep1

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SCENE 1 FX

(INDOOR ACCOUSTIC) LARGE SHOP. NONDESCRIPT ‘MUZAK’ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.

MARTIN:

Are you sure you want it?

GREG:

Yea; nice sofa that,

MARTIN

It’s a bit chincey if you ask me, one we saw yesterday was better.

GREG:

yea but sit in it, its so comfy, it’s ridiculous

FX:

MAN SLUMPING ON SOFA

MARTIN:

Do we really have time?

GREG:

Can’t rush decisions like this, give it a try.

FX:

MAN SLUMPING ON SOFA

MARTIN:

At least now I can’t see it, I like this lamp though.

GREG:

That’s pretty snazzy; I wouldn't even know how to describe it.

MARTIN:

Awesome is how I'd describe it, is that a dragon sticking out the side?

GREG:

Awesome is how you describe everything; your Kit-Kat was ‘awesome’.

MARTIN:

It was all chocolate; that doesn't happen every day

GREG:

Anyway that's a centipede, it’s hard to tell because of all the gold leaf

MARTIN:

Either way, its pretty special

GREG:

If you like it you should get it

MARTIN

Really? I don't know, I wouldn't even know where to put it

GREG:

Treat yourself, R.Sloat 09

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MARTIN:

Why not, new job; I can have nice things now.

GREG:

I’m having second thoughts about this sofa

MARTIN:

I’m telling you, it’s nasty. Eventually you’re gonna have to look at it.

GREG:

I might just get some DVDs and try somewhere else.

FX:

DOORBELL

MARTIN:

(Panicked) oh no, oh no, oh no.

GREG:

Calm down; let a professional handle this, turn the browsing music off.

FX:

MUSIC STOPS, HOUSE AMBIANCE

MARTIN?

(Panicked)You’re just going to open the door?

FX:

DOORBELL. DOOR OPENED. OUTDOOR AMBIANCE

GREG:

Can I help you

NEIGHBOUR:

Oh, hello, is Margery there?

GREG:

I believe... she’s at work at the moment

NEIGHBOUR:

Of course, I keep thinking its Sunday, how do you know Margery?

GREG:

We are... fitting new.... uh, radiators. This time of year people want it done before they come home

NEIGHBOUR:

That explains the van, I thought I should check, there’s been a lot of burglaries around here.

GREG:

It does explain the van rather nicely,

NEIGHBOUR:

There was a young lad carrying a T.V into it and it just made me wonder.

GREG:

That’s my assistant; we’ve got to remove all... the electronic equipment from the house before we can R.Sloat 09

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even touch the heating. Health and safety. NEIGHBOUR:

That’s ridiculous... bloody EU

GREG:

Would you like me to give her a message? Only we better press on.

NEIGHBOUR:

That's alright, just tell her Dennis, from next door said hello,

GREG:

Ok, have a nice day

NEIGHBOUR:

You too

FX:

DOOR SHUTS

MARTIN:

Is that it,

GREG:

Is what it?

MARTIN:

Radiators, health and safety. You weren't even trying.

GREG:

He’s got the choice between believing the nice plumber or confronting the potentially violent burglar, which would you pick?

MARTIN:

I suppose the first one.

GREG:

That’s why we wear the blue polo shirts. Stick with me kid, I'll teach you all this stuff.

MARTIN:

What if that was the owner?

GREG:

They wouldn’t have knocked for a start. Although that's how I met George Harrison.

MARTIN:

you’ve never met George Harrison

GREG:

Exactly, if anyone asks, that's what you tell them.

FX:

PAUSE

GREG:

This is a terrible selection, it’s typical old lady, I didn't even know you could get ‘diagnosis murder’ on DVD

MARTIN:

I don’t know; she’s got Goodfellas R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

Everyone’s got Goodfellas, I don’t see what the fuss is about

MARTIN:

How can you not like Goodfellas?

GREG:

Too much violence, its not realistic

MARTIN:

It’s based on a true story.

GREG:

Naah

MARTIN:

It’s written on the back.

GREG:

You can’t believe everything you... ooh; I've been meaning to get that.

MARTIN:

Really, the passion?

GREG:

Yea, my copy got scratched

MARTIN:

Just doesn't seem like your cup of tea

GREG:

Why not?

MARTIN:

I just didn’t have you pegged as the religious type

GREG:

Oh yea, I had a moment of clarity a few years ago

MARTIN:

So why is Goodfellas violent and implausible, but the passion, that’s bang on the money?

GREG:

I think it was a little hard on the Jews, but other than that

MARTIN:

Have you read the bible?

GREG:

And the kids love it, I think it’s good for them to see how he died for our sins

MARTIN:

You let the kids watch it?

GREG:

They cried at first, but You’ve got to give them a strong moral center, you’ll understand that when you’ve got your own.

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MARTIN:

Moral center? We’ve spent most of the morning prizing a stair-lift from the wall.

GREG:

That’s for Ruth’s mum, Charity starts at home

MARTIN:

I think you’ve misinterpreted the phrase. Do you want this blue planet? Otherwise I'm having it

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SCENE 2 FX:

VAN DOORS SLAM. PEOPLE SIT DOWN, BUCKLE SEATBELTS, START THE ENGINE AND DRIVE. RADIO 2 PLAYS SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND.

GREG:

You haven't even asked me about my moment of clarity.

MARTIN:

Haven’t I? must’ve slipped my mind

GREG:

This happened a couple of years ago,

MARTIN:

What, did you nearly die or something?

GREG:

Well, there I was minding my own business

MARTIN:

At home?

GREG:

Someone’s home, anyway I’m looking for an anniversary present for Ruth, diamonds, something like that

MARTIN:

Classy

GREG:

So I look up at there’s this guy there, he’s slept through the whole thing, and now he wakes up,

MARTIN:

What did you do?

GREG:

God or something was with me that day, Situation like that can turn ugly pretty quickly, but luckily I was able to stab him in the leg and run away

MARTIN:

And that’s your ‘moment of clarity’?

GREG:

God put that screwdriver in my hand

MARTIN:

What? this screwdriver?

GREG:

The very same

MARTIN:

That’s disgusting, I’ve been stirring my tea with that

GREG:

Yea, I was meaning to tell you about that

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MARTIN:

Surely if he put this screwdriver in your hand, he also put the other guy there

GREG:

Yea, and a bracelet for the wife

MARTIN:

So from that frankly grim experience, you’ve decided what? You’re ordained by god to steal things

GREG:

Something like that, yea, like Robin Hood

MARTIN:

Since when do you give to the poor?

GREG:

(chuckles)I pay you don’t I?

MARTIN:

Not yet you haven’t!

GREG:

Well I’m getting round to it, just got to give Ruth’s mum her present.

SCENE 3 FX:

OUTDOOR ATMOS, VAN DOORS SLAM

GREG:

If I know anything about women she is going to bloody love this

MARTIN:

I can already see where this is going

GREG:

Oh ye of little faith

FX:

DOORBELL

GREG:

Hello Gene

GENE:

(annoyed) Oh Christ, its you... (cheerful)Oh, Hello Martin

MARTIN:

Hello Mrs. H,

GENE:

What do you want Greg?

GREG:

I just came round to give you a present

GENE:

I don't want it....What is it? R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

You’ve got to come round to the van to see it

FX:

VAN DOOR OPENS

GREG:

Tada

GENE:

(Surprised) Oh, That’s very snazzy; I wouldn't even know how to describe it. Is that real gold leaf on the centipede?

MARTIN:

Actually that's mine

GREG:

Yours is next to it, also some of it’s tied to the roof.

GENE:

(Sighs) yet again, what is it?

GREG:

It’s a stair lift

GENE:

What’s that smell?

MARTIN:

I believe that’s urine,

GENE:

How old do you think I am Greg? What made you think it would be a good idea to bring this urine stained stair lift to my house? As a gift.

GREG:

It’s a Stannah

MARTIN:

That’s the one Thora Herd used, before she died.

GENE:

Did she actually die in it? Because it smells that way

GREG:

Its not the actual one, just the same model, bit of Febreeze will get rid of that smell

GENE:

Frankly Greg, the provenance and the odor are immaterial, I live in a bungalow

MARTIN:

Yea, I was meaning to ask you about that.

GREG:

Well... it doesn't have to go up stairs... you uh, could use it between rooms, like a monorail

GENE:

A monorail? I don't want to sound ungrateful but this is the worst, most ill conceived gift ever R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

So you don't want it?

GENE:

No I don’t want it! Martin, you were going to college, why get involved with this cretin?

GREG:

(muttering) Charming, Try and do a nice thing...

MARTIN:

You’ve got to go to all these lectures, 3 hours a day, I couldn’t handle the stress.

GREG:

The black market is where it’s at. People want the value for money you can only get from stolen goods.

GENE:

Well, just make sure he’s feeding you

GREG:

Good point, We should get down the café. Gene, are you sure you don’t want this stair lift?

FX:

FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY. FRONT DOOR SLAM IN DISTANCE.

MARTIN:

That’s probably a no

SCENE 4 FX

AMBIANCE CROWDED LONDON CAFÉ

GREG:

Alright Bob

BOB:

Greg

GREG:

How’s that dishwasher I got you?

BOB:

Terrible, she keeps crying and asking for her passport

MARTIN:

That’s horrible

BOB:

I know, I've got to turn the TV up just to drown her out

GREG:

You should let her go, otherwise you’ll knacker your tweeters

BOB:

Probably best, the upkeep is ridiculous, seems like every two days I’ve got to feed her again. (pause 1,2 seconds) Who’s this? R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

This is martin, I’m training him up, passing on all the wisdom I’ve gained

BOB:

What are you doing tomorrow?

MARTIN:

Dentist appointment

GREG:

Bob is a customer of mine, and just the kind of savvy gentleman who knows when to invest in a stair lift. Its a Stannah

MARTIN: BOB:

I’m not really in the market for a stair lift, why did you nick it?

GREG:

For Ruth’s mum

BOB:

Doesn’t Gene live in a bungalow?

GREG:

Which is why I'm giving you this opportunity.

BOB:

I think I’ll pass

MARTIN:

You could use it like a monorail

BOB:

I don’t think you can, it pretty much just goes up and down stairs

GREG:

Monorail, what a ridiculous idea

BOB:

What else do you have?

GREG:

How about this plot device, martin show him the plot device

MARTIN:

Here it is

BOB:

Its a pen

GREG:

Exactly, cant plot without a pen

FX:

PEN CLICKS

MARTIN:

It’s got the retractable nib,

GREG:

Very popular feature R.Sloat 09

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BOB:

Keep your plot device, I do all my plotting on computer

GREG:

Say no more, I’ve got this laptop full of government secrets

MARTIN:

How’s that for a plot device.

BOB:

Actually I've been meaning to get my daughter a laptop full of government secrets, you know, for homework

GREG:

Two hundred quid and I'll throw in the pen

BOB:

Deal

MARTIN:

Don’t we need a plot device?

GREG:

Sod it, last plot device I had took me on a whirlwind adventure of action and intrigue. I missed lunch completely.

MARTIN:

Two egg, two bacon, chips?

GREG:

And an Umbongo

MARTIN:

All right, back in a minute

BOB:

(whispers)Should you really have him with you?

GREG:

What Martin? He’s good people, just a bit slow is all

BOB:

I mean after what happened with the last one

GREG:

I told him to duck,

BOB:

(concerned)How is Dave these days?

GREG:

Dave? He’s fine, they’ve nearly got him eating solids again

MARTIN:

Who’s eating solids?

GREG:

Not us apparently, where’s the food?

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MARTIN:

Not my fault, She wouldn’t serve me, said you owe her money,

GREG:

What?

MARTIN:

Something about a potato peeler, she’s livid

GREG:

What’s wrong with it?

MARTIN:

It’s pregnant

GREG:

I think that’s our cue to leave

SCENE 4 FX:

INDOOR AMBIANCE. A DOOR IS THUMPED THEN KICKED OPEN

GREG:

That’s the security system disabled, Have you got the equipment?

MARTIN:

The big sack? Yes

THELONIOUS:

(surprised) Who are you?

GREG:

Uh, I’m Greg, this is my assistant Martin

MARTIN:

All right

THELONIOUS:

I am Thelonious Cumberfold, renowned psychic and raconteur

GREG:

Oh right, off the telly, you predicted the lottery draw

MARTIN:

You predicted all the numbers?

GREG:

Almost, he predicted that there would be a draw

THELONIOUS:

And that numbers would be involved

GREG:

And he was bang on the money every week

MARTIN:

That doesn’t seem very impressive

THELONIOUS:

That’s what the cynics said R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

Pah, cynics, what do they know, they cant explain love, or compassion, or how a jet turbine works

THELONIOUS:

Indeed

MARTIN:

I think they can

THELONIOUS:

Do you mind telling me why you have defiled my luxury domicile, my temple of enlightenment, my shine of cosmic energy

MARTIN:

Your caravan

THELONIOUS:

It’s a LUXURY caravan! and it’s temporary

GREG:

Uh, Surely I don’t need to tell the Astounding Cumberfold, the man who successfully predicted the apocalypse 3 times, why we’re here

THELONIOUS:

Uh, Of course, I knew you were coming, that’s why I am at home, in readiness, and not at my many important and very real engagements

GREG:

is that why you’re in your pants, eating coco-pops and watching Xena: warrior princes

THELONIOUS:

Yes. It was foretold in the coco pops that 2 men would come

GREG:

Remarkable

THELONIOUS:

In a van, manufactured in 1984

MARTIN:

He can see the number plate out the window

THELONIOUS:

One, a noble man with great wisdom and a healthy stomach

GREG:

That’s me...

THELONIOUS:

and an apprentice, a young man, his tiny mind clouded by ignorance and cynicism

GREG:

And That’s you, uncanny R.Sloat 09

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MARTIN:

These coco pops are surprisingly verbose, What else did they say?

THELONIOUS:

Uh, The ‘Pops foretold that the men would install sky +, so that I may pause and rewind Xena: the warrior princess.

MARTIN:

Amazing, did you ever think of using alphabetispaghetti, y’know just to speed things up

THELONIOUS:

Don't be ridiculous, there’s never enough vowels

GREG:

Right, lets have a look, we should be able to take care of this fairly... oh, come and have a look at this martin,

FX:

CREAKING PLASTIC

MARTIN

Look at what, it’s the back of a telly

FX:

SLAP

MARTIN:

Ow! oh, uh, yea this could be a problem

THELONIOUS:

Is there a problem?

GREG:

Could be, which breed of monkey installed this television?

THELONIOUS:

My nephew did it, I don’t trifle myself with technology

MARTIN:

Should’ve had a professional do it; he’s reversed the polarity

THELONIOUS:

I See

MARTIN:

Which as we both know makes an E.M pulse which has trashed the flux capacitor,

THELONIOUS:

Is he right

GREG:

Afraid so, of course I don’t need to tell you what that means

THELONIOUS:

Of course not, for I am the astounding Cumberfold

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MARTIN:

Course you are. Well, We could fix it at the depot.

THELONIOUS:

You have to take it away?

GREG:

Don’t listen to my assistant, he’s an idiot. we’re only booked for an installation, it’s totally against the rules

MARTIN:

Shame, we could have it working for tonight, the lesbian episode of Xena

THELONIOUS:

Is that on tonight, I didn’t know

MARTIN:

It’s marked on your calendar

GREG:

Seeing as it’s you, in the flesh, maybe I can make an exception, to hell with the rules

MARTIN:

We’re goin’ rouge!

THELONIOUS:

Thank you tradesmen, I’m sending positive Che your way

GREG:

I’d prefer a cup of tea to an intangible concept. Martin, pack up the telly

MARTIN:

Can do, should I get the speakers too?

GREG:

Probably best, it could’ve spread to them

THELONIOUS:

Milk, Sugar?

MARTIN:

Two cheers, so how comes you’re not on the telly anymore? I haven’t seen you since 2000

THELONIOUS:

Pah, after my final and most astounding show, “Armageddon 3: this time it’s definitely going to happen” my audience sort of died off

MARTIN:

Is that because the world didn’t end at midnight, y2k and all that nonsense

THELONIOUS:

No, they sort of threw themselves over a bridge, a bit, god knows how they got the idea

GREG:

What about that song you released, “paradise over the bridge” R.Sloat 09

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THELONIOUS:

People misinterpreted the lyrics; I was asking them to jump off a metaphorical bridge.

MARTIN:

(singing) Jump, jump, jump, jump, plummet to salvation.

GREG:

Classic, you must have made a few quid from that

THELONIOUS:

I did, but there were some petty legal issues, a few misguided families felt that somehow I, the Astounding Cumberfold, was to blame

GREG:

Political correctness gone mad

THELONIOUS:

Fear not, I’m simply recharging my energy for my magnificent comeback

MARTIN:

You going to predict the apocalypse again?

THELONIOUS:

I cant just predict the apocalypse, it has to be in the ether

MARTIN:

I thought you used coco-pops

THELONIOUS:

The aforementioned cereal is merely part of my arsenal of precognitive tools

GREG:

That's right, this man can tell you all sorts of things you already knew about yourself, with something as simple as a passport or recent bill

MARTIN:

Can he tell me if you’re going to help me carry this to the van

GREG:

Thelonious?

THELONIOUS:

All signs point to no.

MARTIN:

(sarcastic)Fantastic.

SCENE 5 FX:

AMBIANCE OUTDOOR. BIRDSONG.

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GREG:

You’re lucky you’ve got me here to educate you, job like this requires skill and finesse

MARTIN:

yesterday you rang the doorbell, kicked in the back door and shot the dog,

GREG:

Every situation Martin, requires a different, nuanced approach,

MARTIN:

You really finessed that dog, there was nuance everywhere

GREG:

He was aggressive

MARTIN:

He was asleep

GREG:

Well, either way, that’s why I've brought you here for a little training

MARTIN:

Where are we, Battersea dogs home?

GREG:

Better than that, I’m going to show you how to overcome the most technologically advanced alarm system in the world. Ever.

MARTIN:

Alright, that’s more like it

GREG:

..In 1985

MARTIN:

1985? It’s older than me

GREG:

Don’t tell him that

MARTIN:

Tell who that? There’s no one home right?

GREG:

Yes and no, just type a number into that key pad,

MARTIN:

Anything?

GREG:

Yea, it doesn't really matter what

FX:

KEY TONES. ELECTRIC SHOCK. SHRIEK.

SECURI-FIST:

ACCESS DENIED!

MARTIN:

It shocked me! R.Sloat 09

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GREG:

(chuckles) That’s lesson one. Hello Securi-fist

SECURI-FIST:

HELLO USER, IDENTIFY!

GREG:

Uh, Home-owner?

SECURI-FIST:

WELCOME GARY! COMMENCING VOICE SCAN

MARTIN:

Now what, we’re not going to sound like the owner

SECURI-FIST:

ACCESS GRANTED!

FX:

FUTURISTIC DOOR

GREG:

Welcome to the home of the future, of the 80’s

MARTIN:

Fancy, it looks like Battlestar Galactica, with a fridge and some scatter cushions

GREG:

It’s got more than scatter cushions, this house is endowed with secure-fist, it has voice recognition and the most advanced artificial intelligence of its day.

MARTIN:

Then why did it just let us in?

GREG:

Well, technology as it was, they couldn’t really make it that intelligent, consequently it’s a bit racist

MARTIN:

It’s racist? I don’t get it

GREG:

Ask him yourself

MARTIN:

Uh, Securi-fist, are you racist?

SECURI-FIST:

I’M NOT RACIST... BUT

GREG:

See

SECURI-FIST:

YOU PEOPLE ALL SOUND ALIKE

GREG:

He reckons foreign child labor is taking all the manufacturing work

SECURI-FIST:

BRITISH JOBS. BRITISH ROBOTS!

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MARTIN:

Its more complicated than that, they don’t choose to stitch trainers for 10p a week

SECURI-FIST:

DOES NOT COMPUTE!

MARTIN:

I don't think they even have robots to sew shoes anyway, it’s too fiddly

SECURI-FIST:

ERROR!! OPINION NOT ACCEPTED

GREG:

Leave it

MARTIN:

It’s like he cant take on board any new information or opinions

GREG:

Lesson 2, never argue with a racist computer from the future

MARTIN:

of the 80’s

GREG:

Exactly, you can’t win

MARTIN:

Because he doesn’t have the RAM to understand?

GREG:

No, because he’s a dick.

MARTIN:

If you hate humans so much why are you talking to us

SECURI-FIST:

GARY AND...HUMAN FEMALE, ARE ALRIGHT, ITS THE REST I DON’T LIKE

GREG:

Ha ha, human female

MARTIN:

Great, can we go now? He’s starting to creep me out

SECURI- FIST:

I. LOVE YOU. GARY.

Gary:

He’s just affectionate

MARTIN: GREG:

And there isn’t even anything worth taking; judging by this place I think Gary might be dead. And you just assume that Securi-fist did it? Who’s the real racist and possibly homicidal computer from the future of the 80’s? Huh?

SECURI-FIST:

YEA. R.Sloat 09

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MARTIN:

It’s Still him, isn’t it? I mean I’m not splattered with dry blood for starters.

GREG:

That’s not...ah, perhaps we should be pressing on, we’ve still got to make a deposit.

SCENE 6 FX: MARTIN:

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS. NIGHT TIME. This seems wrong to me

GREG:

(slight distance)I’m Making a donation, giving something back

MARTIN:

It says here you’re not supposed to leave donations on the pavement

GREG:

Well I don’t think it’s going to fit through the letterbox

MARTIN:

I’m not convinced a second hand stair lift complete with a chunk of wall is the kind of thing they’re after.

GREG:

Do you know how much a stair lift costs?

MARTIN:

I can honestly say I don’t

GREG:

Neither do I, but it’s probably a lot, help me cut the ropes

MARTIN:

Are we donating this plasma TV too? Naah, they probably wouldn’t know what to do with it without the box or the instructions, will you be donating your snazzy lamp?

MARTIN:

Hell no.. Have you got it at your end?

FX:

CRASHING METAL

GREG:

Job done, I hope no one steals it before the shop opens

MARTIN:

I wouldn’t worry (1-2 second pause) Look at your face

GREG:

What? R.Sloat 09

‘Tea Leaves’ Ep1

MARTIN:

You think you’re robin hood don’t you?

GREG:

I do what I can,

MARTIN:

Do you consider yourself a good person?

GREG:

I’d say so

MARTIN:

That is truly Scary

GREG

Same time tomorrow then?

MARTIN:

Uh, yea, Why not

22

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Additional material The set up of the characters means that they could find themselves almost anywhere, dealing with characters and situations ranging from mundane to surreal, a few Future episodes or situations could include: ∗

Greg is asked by the manager of a failing business to rob his home to get rid of evidence that he has gambled away the pension fund. Despite specific instruction on the robbery Greg decides to abandon the plan and teach Martin the importance of improvisation. The pair go well beyond their remit and loot the whole house to ‘make it realistic’ and in the process partially destroy it. The pair flee, forgetting to take the evidence. The manager is arrested for fraud at which point Greg claims that he’d planned it all along as ‘it was the right thing to do’.

∗

Greg and Martin are lured into a trap by a psychopath who wants to hunt them for sport. Although he gives them a head start they refuse to run away having just eaten a very large lunch. Instead they spend their 10 minutes stealing Bacardi and roundly mocking the hunter. They call his plan unoriginal and claim it’s ripped off from an old Jean-Claude Van Damme movie before mocking his ‘little outfit’. When the time is up and the enraged hunter begins a self indulgent pre-murder monologue. Greg hits him with a bottle knocking him unconscious.

∗

Greg and Martin steal a live bear:

MARTIN:

Why does he get my seat? At least put him in the back

GREG:

If you’ve got any complaints take them up with the bear

MARTIN:

How are we going to sell him?

GREG:

It’s all right, mike’s been asking after one

MARTIN:

Mike the nutter? What for?

GREG:

He runs an underground bear fighting club, his last one died I’m not sure I want to be part of this

MARTIN:

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GREG:

Why not? This is good experience

MARTIN:

Why would I need bear experience? Anyway it’s inhumane.

GREG:

It’s not as bad as you think, the bear likes it

MARTIN:

Why would they like being forced to fight each other?

GREG:

That’s the thing, they don’t fight each other

MARTIN:

What to they fight then, dogs?

GREG:

No no. See, its man on bear, like fight club... but with bears.

MARTIN:

Now it’s cruel and stupid.

GREG:

The bear loves it; he wins every time. All that stuff about man being the most dangerous animal is bollocks, its bears.

MARTIN:

I thought you said the last bear died

GREG:

From gout, that was one obese bear toward the end.

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