T N H L

For my Mother-in-law, Padma Menon who has been a strong support for me in my most difficult times

Published in India in March 2007 by: Nirmala N. Menon #294, Whitefield Main Road Whitefield, Bangalore-560 066 Cover Design & Illustrations: M.B. Suresh Kumar Printed at Vykat Prints Pvt. Ltd., Bangalore All rights reserved. No part of the material in this publication may be reproduced, except by special permission of the copyright owner. Reproduction of this material in any form whatsoever without authorization is a violation of copyright. ISBN 978-81-7525-835-8

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Acknowledgements

Introduction

My sister Sita Nayar, who patiently edited this book and gave me her valuable suggestions (some of which I accepted) despite her tight schedules and the wonderful work she is doing with children, which can do without interruptions.

My Life… The bamboo bush has always fascinated me as being sturdy, yet elegant. I have often compared my life to that of a Bamboo bush, for reasons beyond what is obvious to the naked eye. It emanates from a small story of faith I once read on how a bamboo sapling took five whole years to sprout from the earth, while all along it was building strong roots for survival. And then, slowly but surely, within six months, the sapling rose to become a 100 feet tall bush.

My mother Rajeswari Nayar, who still wants me to put my best foot forward. My husband Narayan, for his support, tolerance and fantastic sense of humour. My son Prahlad, who has finally begun to take pride in a mother such as I. My son Siddharth, who has been my worst critic-thank you! My friends Mamtha Adiga, Susan Thomas, Diedre Inamdar, Rashmi Kapoor, Bhagya Suvarna, Shashi Reddy, Salju Jose, Sheeba & Mathew, Franco & Marielle, my aunt Nirmala N. Menon and my cousins Maya Nair & Anita Nayar for simply believing in me.

In my life too, all the times of struggle were actually times when I was sprouting roots, which has given me the strength to take on life despite its trials and tribulations, in the best possible way, each time. And that is probably why as the story goes, God never intended that I be a fern in the first place, but a bamboo. My Thoughts… Today we must make a bid to take each day gracefully …as now is the time for placid refrains and calm, contained overtures …for a peace within ourselves amongst ourselves Towards a New Harmony with Life.” ‘Towards a New Harmony with Life’ is a collection of ‘passing  thoughts’ written by me over a span of 27 years, though many of them have been written in the past 7 years. These comprise my innermost thoughts arising from actual experience-hence they are both introspective as well as retrospective. A phase in which I have grown in both mind and soul. By sharing these thoughts, I hope there will be others who will identify with my experience and that it will help them ease their minds-in just knowing that there have been and are others like they. In this collection I have also reflected certain events totally unconnected with my life, but which have made a marked impression on my psyche. I wish you a happy reading experience.

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Contents

1. Towards a New Harmony with Life 2. The Street Child 3. Loves Labour Lost 4. Moods 5. Despondence 6. Happiness 7. Sense & Sensitivity 8. Devastation 9. My Father. My Icon 10. The Arid Reality 11. An Epitome of Grace 12. You had it all… 13. The Brain Tumor 14. The Crucifixion 15. Oh Universe, do remember! 16. A Cataclysmic Existence 17. Escape 18. Happiness-Lead the Way 19. A Young Man who came my Way 20. Why? vi

1 5 8 11 12 15 18 21 22 29 31 35 39 41 44 47 49 52 54 59

21. Don’t tell a Soul 22. Figuratively Speaking 23. Clear that Conscience 24. Moksham-Our Home 25. I Cherish you my Love 26. The Iconoclast 27. Here’s to us…! 28. A wish for you, my Sister 29. Oh Insecure World, Heal Thyself 30. The Very Special Girl on the Campus 31. I thought that our Friendship… 32. Shine On! 33. The Inspiration 34. Work not, Want not 35. Grudgingly 36. Restlessness 37. An Intimate Encounter 38. I Believe 39. Being True to Oneself vii

63 64 67 71 75 77 79 79 80 82 86 89 91 93 94 100 102 103 109

1. Towards a New Harmony with Life What a glorious world it was then when I was little with never a care whether or not one was right or one was wrong. Waking up each morning to birds chirping Oh! For that carefree feeling! The sound of dribbling balls and trickling waters Of open blue skies with white cotton tufts Like candy floss ready to sink my teeth into Beckoning me to head outdoors And then, after a long days play running back to a place called home. To Mother’s cuddlesome warmth and her delicious bakes



The sound of her softly humming tender refrains reflecting her truly gentle spirit I wonder today Were all my friends so lucky? The memory of early teenage years

Today, we must make a bid To take each day gracefully …as now is the time for placid refrains and calm, contained overtures …for a peace within ourselves amongst ourselves Towards a New Harmony with Life.

with its long walks, ice cream in hand

20th May 2003, Monte Carlo

discussing the latest Grecian tales read or merely indulging in light hearted banter huddling around bonfires or watching cricket matches giggling from high verandas at just how awkward boys could be. Life today, with its heartbreaks and miseries Can hardly compare with those times When happiness came in cupfulsunending and seemingly forever!





2. The Street Child Raising his melancholic eyes He sits in a street corner beside an enormous garbage bin. He appears frail, so obviously a minor. As I slow down at the traffic light he catches my eye He senses my curiosity and approaches me hurriedly In a desperate bid to get therelest I leave. “Ma ! I have been hungry all day”, he seems to say patting his stomach pitifully A heart rending plea which touches my soul instantly. Behind the windscreen, I suddenly feel distanced I look away. Torn between my empathy on the one hand And fear that my generosity be misconstruedon the other . 



A familiar warning crosses my mind“Don’t encourage Begging” With a million different justifications given each time Save- compassion for the lesser mortals! I shake away these fears and decide that the little mite needs food, most of all. I reach out into my bag and pull out a Five Rupee note I lower the window and in a flash I feel the money snatched and see him skip away with a quick backward glance looking relieved and no longer mindful of whether or not I zip away.

Is this God’s way of showering his choicest blessing on one such as I. I conclude with a familiar refrain that suddenly crosses my mind. “Oh Lord-we thank Thee” 18th August 2003, Bangalore

Just as I leave I notice him glance back yet again He then gives me that unforgettable smile One so beautiful I ask myself





3. Loves Labour Lost Disillusionment has set in Life ceases to have any meaning Absolute disenchantment every which way Need this insignificant existence go on?

Rebuked, rejected I stand drained All my pains only my own Why must I go on this way I see no light at the end of the road Oh Lord, please give me the call I’ve had my fill And I must move on.

When the very charm of living ceases to entice When every dedicated caring action is taken for granted And oft undermined. Rolled into an unimportant scrap of crushed paper And discarded in the bottomless bin of existence

12th October 2002, Bangalore

Like an atrophied being, I now stand small despite the laborious years left behind Tired to my very bones.





4. Moods Multifarious. Multifaceted. Vibrant. Vivacious. Personifying exuberance Positive energy set aflame Outcome scintillating In Crimson and Yellow Hues Strewn across the Canvas Creating havoc in a Spectator’s mind Action being the call of the hour Results sought in Urgency Aggression surges to a tumultuous end. Suddenly the mood mellows Pastels. In Hues of Blue and Grey. Unhurried yet perhaps Melancholic Lamenting an unfortunate occurrence Or merely, a morose existence. And then pleasure enters in flushes of Pink and Lavender Serene and dim-Cool yet laid back The day has levelled off. Life seems less tiresome More livable A day is finally done. 24th July 2004, Bangalore 10

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5. Despondence Why have I stopped drawing flowers? you ask me Because my heart is so sad, I reply. Will my heart be happy ever again?

Life has much to offer you yet You deserve to be set free Live on! 16th August 1985, Bombay

A sister’s wish for me today‘A day as sunny as your smile As warm as your ways As generous as your heart and as wonderful as you!’ Is that how I was-am I still like that? Oh fie, for being smitten by such overwhelming sorrow! Mankind, do you know what love is? It means caring till it hurts So intense and beautiful a feeling, Yet it brings pain alongside. Quit drowning in your anguish; cheer up, I tell myself. Shake off the despondence, dejection and despair And bring back that once splendid form. Do not wilt, shrivel and die like a sunflower kept in a dungeon. 12

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6. Happiness Happiness. A state of mind. A joyous state of being. Frets and fears kept aside No room for ill thoughtsNor Regrets. It is now time for genuine heartfelt merriment A time for pleasant thoughts of Sunshine and Swaying palms And the joyous sound of children’s laughter. For the very simple things which bring cheer to our lives For the trickling of water the rustling of leaves the twinkling of stars against a clear night sky the ringing of temple bells and the morning sounds of an awakening village.

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Let us stop and think about how truly fortunate we are Let us never forget to count our blessings Let us vow to make that special difference in those whose lives we touch And that special effort to live for the present moment -wisely and sincerelyperforming our duties with happiness and equanimity of mind Keeping bad thoughts at bay And good thoughts all the way! 16th August 2006, Monte Carlo

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7. Sense and Sensitivity

did not override

Callous lifestyles Brutal interactions Impenetrable carapaces Lachrymose existences

humane.

Bringing to mind a time when the realms of gentleness, love and compassion never ceased to be A time when beauty and generosity were unrelenting and there for the taking A time when life did not seem such a tiresome race.

the sense of being

A time when we were responsible for our every action. When time stood still and there were takers But Alas, our desperation for success in this rat race Has left us starved of the very sensitivity we need to build a better world today. 2nd January 2007, Monte Carlo

A time when there was melody and harmony and the plural will to live A time when the sense of passion 18

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8. Devastation Devastation. The world over. Unraveling the mysteries of Fate Depredation everywhere Devouring our flesh and Ravaging our Souls Till we become A big void In the vast universe. A ghostly remain of what was intended to be A pure and wholesome World. Devastation. Sudden and sureOft without a harbinger of misfortune. Intended by evil minds to erase our Existence from under our very feet. Till-we are reduced to Microbial Nothingness. 25th August 2006, Monte Carlo

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9. My Father. My Icon. My father. My icon. A man who never forgot to live. Or love. A man who worked hard to achieve Nothing, short of the best. Such Tenacity. Such Fortitude. Such single-minded focus. The eternal perfectionist. Why did I forget to tell you, you were the best? My father. So disciplined and dynamic a man So fine a being. Loved by many, disliked by some. A man who never feared to speak his mind when the need arose. A man with humor so impeccable, He was the life of every party He filled the world around him 22

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with wholesome and unrestricted laughter. My father. With his ‘Never say die’ spirit. His flashes of temper, we learnt to live with. Genes I inherited from himso liberally. My father, who sought several opinions and finally did just as he would have, in the first place. A man who knew his own mind therefore Yet was unaware of it. My father. Surveyor. Civil Engineer. Professor. Army Officer Sportsman, Actor. Writer, Orator, Translator, Carnatic Musician, Flautist. Par Excellence! A fitting descendent, truly worthy of his ancestry! From the lineage of Mahakavi K. C .Keshava Pillai

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and R. Narayana Panicker. My father, who pursued his literary talents after retirement. A man who wrote the first ever Malayalam Thesaurus And released its 3rd edition before he died at 80. A man who for 12 long years dreamed, spoke, wrote, breathed and dissected Malayalam words With friends and kin alike even during his morning walks To finally finish his exhaustive but complete Thesaurus. And how they remember! My father. Who’s works also included ‘The Rivers of India’ and an Encyclopaedia on Surveying, Mapping and Remote Sensing And not to be outdone on the fiction front, Translated Oscar Wilde’s ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ and 25

George Eliot’s ‘Adam Bead’, into Malayalam. My father, our pride. Why did I forget to tell you that? Father, I could not see you helpless and bedridden inarticulate and voiceless. So unlike the man who was the personification of ‘joie de vivre’ all his life! I prayed then that God would either give you back Your once fine form or alleviate you of your misery.

we work at with single-minded devotion. ‘And you Daddy, will remain with mea memory I will forever cherish Till the very last breath leaves my body And Daddy, I salute you ‘In gratitude, love and pride.’ 4th November 2006, Bangalore

Father, I am grateful I was born your daughter Regretful that I could not have spent more time with you But you have always shown us through example That each one of us has a role to play In this scheme of Life which 26

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10. The Arid Reality Nostalgia grips as recreated memories sporadically interspersed with wistful yearnings churn the mind Only to be washed away by an undercurrent of arid reality. Vacillating images and torrid emotions Raises one to mercurial heights Until an eerie unholiness descends Unnatural, almost macabre A Pagan ritualistic rite Shattering the silence Making it unjustifiable and therefore an affront To be done away with.

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Then awakening to the reality That Utopian dreams are merely life threatening And unbecoming of a nondescript obscure existence. And perhaps someone else’s prerogative. 5th January 2006, Monte Carlo

11. An Epitome of Grace Dignified. Strongyet gentle and kind An epitome of grace, patience and love. My mother. She made no demands on us. Rather, she prayed and tried to ensure that our needs were met; That we would grow up to be satisfied beings …strong enough to take on the world. And that we would build ourselves successful careers that would stand the test of time. As only that would be truly ours, …in trying times, in lonely times. She wanted us to stand on our own two feetrighteous and self-reliant.

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She spent her days well bringing us up with love and compassion And standing by us strong and steadfast Through our worst timesthrough every adversity, every affliction, every tribulation. Being one among eleven she had to shoulder more than she could from a very tender age quietly and bravely With never a protest. Calm and courageous she understood the ways of life And when things went wrong and we began to lose hope She would reassure us by gently stating “Everything is for the goodmaybe it was never meant to be ours 32

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-nor would any good have come out of itshould it have been oursso why worry?” Such wisdom then, went beyond our understanding And today, in retrospect we realize its worth. We are grateful to her for helping make us the individuals we are. And though we have been tried and tested and stretched beyond our limits We can leave the world peacefully, knowing we have played our roles to perfection. Thank you Mother. 1st January 2007, Monte Carlo

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12. You had it all… You had it all, You had it all… And you threw it all away. Will it be there all fresh and aflame when you still want it? No, the love will be dying, the sunshine mellowing, the laughter gone. No hopes, no aspirations, no dreams It will be too late… and all in vain! Feelings slowly dying Will my heart be so young again? Sorrows too deep… too deep to be salvaged by anyone Not even you. Not anymore.

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You, who all my hopes, prayers and desires revolved around You who I had faith in far beyond what could be Is it true that you feel this way now? …now, when I need all the solace, the compassion I can get But remember… If you still want me years from now …my hurt may not have healed And who knows, I would have realised I’m happier without you! 16th February 1983, Bangalore

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13. The Brain Tumor Shortly to be indisposed Hook, Line and Sinker. Dreading what the future holds Brain Tumors looming large and sinister unfurling their ugly tentacles enveloping me slowly into a state of absolute incapacitation. An atrophied being I now stand with imminent threats of personality and behavioural changes, mood swings included. ‘Need I be punished any further?’ I ask myself Hasn’t life been unkind enough with lifelong accusations of angry outbursts taunting me. No matter the level of provocation and aggravation No matter the laborious years of selfless service put forth 39

Need the threat of seizures and paralytic strokes now threaten a body already fatigued, afflicted and crippled A body wrenched in the pain of dehydrated discs, sciatica, arthritis accidents and thanklessness. 2nd September 2006, Monte Carlo

14. The Crucifixion Slipping between the real and the surreal …into oblivion …into a deep slumber. Amidst drilling, hammering, screws and cerebral injections Skull numbed but mind alert. A lingering fear of the unknown, and perhaps, the known?! Tossing and turning Racing heartbeats Hot flushes and cold sweat. Woman, this is surely the test of your ultimate endurance And you have evolved far beyond what can be. Fleeting messages from yesteryear surge through the brain-

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“Courage brother-do not stumble though thy path be dark as night there’s a star to guide the humble trust in God and do the right” - and follow me into the dark recesses of the huge machinery into which half my body slips time and time again! Fleeting messages, yet again“I will not leave youI cannot leave youYou are my creation… my daughter...my purpose ...my Self” And yes Lord-you were there with me. All along. “With peace, in truth, light And love”-just as you promised. And healing is all about faith and trust And I believe I will be fine So help me God! 2nd January 2007, Monte Carlo

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15. Oh Universe, do remember!



By merely remembering the good deeds Or better still, erasing the bad. 24th November 2002, Bangalore

Sitting by myself on a Sunday afternoon I reminisce… Have we all been treated fair? Do we need a system of rewards -a reassurance of sortsfor our good deeds done? A commendation perhaps for our virtues our value systems we so often loudly proclaim Perhaps not. No compensation can mean more than a peaceful heart, a content soul. Our faux pas lies in that we seek appreciation much too hard When all the time, contentment lies within us waiting to be awakened. But surely, it would do well If the world registered

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16. A Cataclysmic Existence I now stand at the crossroads of my life A Cataclysmic Existence. Fatigued. Old - yet not quite. I ask myself – Where do I go from here? Yes, it is to dust we finally goBut not without leaving behind memories of ourselvesFor our loved ones to cling to Glorifying us in death Rationalizing how they did their very best for the dearly departed Memories to cling to -for a while at least… Until…they come to the very same Crossroads in the very same meaningless circle of life. Crossroads it is then. Acknowledging Gods grace and grateful to be born

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Having worked dedicatedly however rough the path might have been Now, life ceases to have any meaning Cheers and adulation be damned No respite any which way. Brickbats from those who matter And praise from those who don’t. One wondershas mankind strayed too far this time? Small graces like love and selflessness mean little And the ugly head of greed, sensual gratification and the quest for glory predominate. Wake up Mankind!! Work hard-but don’t fail to build bonds respect relationships and above all, learn to love! Lest we get consumed by the abysmal fire of meaninglessness! 16th April 2004, Brussels

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17. Escape I seek an escape From the fires of hell I see blazing around me …from the inequality, injustice, pettiness, jealousy –why, even pity blazing with such great intensity that I ask… equality, justice, God Where are you? You who come to those who dwell in vice Why then do your books preach of endurance, justice,kindness The straight path followed by some… …by me. Only to get in return painpain so deep it takes away all one has.

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Sanity almost gone and a cause to be pitied by all pity-so despicable a term!

Someone help me find an answer. I need some rest, some help, some peace! 18th October 1982, Kaduna

A wise man’s words: “your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun so must you know pain.” But why then, is pain felt only by a select few? A few, destined to suffer for, in reality , how many of us suffer with the same intensity? A select few surely. Where then is justice? and equality? God? Escape… the only answer. To where? How?

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18. Happiness- Lead the Way Happiness, lead the way I’ve had my share of misery and need to live again Live Life like before Like I once did when I harbored schoolgirl fantasies and perhaps, college girl ambitions. When life seemed rosy and filled with new world charm With never a fear about the future When did the spirit die? When did I cease to be me? 15th January 2003, Bangalore

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19. A Young Man who came my Way One fleeting moment, A caring glance One compassionate expressionA warm hand-hold. An assurance neverthelessthat I am not alone. One memorable look A gentle countenance Ever radiant, ever calming Silent, yet strong Ever placid, ever peaceful and yet, not without that firm assurance. In you, I found a new strength to take on the world low and unethical as it may be Where dedication is under-rated and unsatiated egos loom large and ugly Where life is one big compromise any which way. With you I was good and wholesome Comforted in the re-assurance

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that very few worked the way I did But not without a warning that recognition and support would evade me In a place where good workers are a threat And inexperienced socialiteswomen who thrive on …with their shallow knowledge and time to while away They get full honors for non-performance and their ability to toe the line. And just when things were sailing along just fine despite life’s ups and downs and cruel discoveries …you did the inevitable For you I damned education levels and hailed hard work For in you, I saw promise and the will to reach greater heights… Till slowly, you became my responsibility.

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I outlined a new career for you and with it A promise of a new life And then, with utter disregard you threw it all away to perhaps revert to old ways which, though I thought probable I never willed to explore and prayed would pass away Not for a moment suspecting what lay in store! Was it just a moment of inexplicable greed …renewed drunken stupors Where mobile phones and motorbikes are no longer the luxuries of the rich but instead, every man’s prerogative Where values are damned and love and selflessness thrust aside For greed, instant gratification and meaningless lifestyles Lord, where did I go wrongyet again? In this life where brain tumors loom large ahead 57

Crippling the activity of an already arthritic body A body wrenched in the pain of dehydrated discs, sciaticas …accidents and thanklessness. This withering soul needs rest as I am not old yet And have suffered beyond my years! They say ‘love conquers all’, and yet again, they are wrong -as love begets pain In an age where cruel indifference and greed survive and where acquisition of wealth predominatesill gotten or otherwise. Love is a meaningless word empty and a trifle pretentious perhaps? A mere charade in this world where confusion reigns supreme And life begets life. Yet again. Lovelessly. 10th August 2006, Monte Carlo

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20. Why Why did all this happen? Why did you do this to me? Why did you give them an opportunity to address you with indignity? Did the promise of a new career the support and encouragement I so willingly gave you mean ever so little to you? Remember you were my responsibility the same way my children were I swore to cherish and nurture you the same way I did them There would be no derogatory mention of you…ever …until this happened. For a while, I acknowledged that you were the confidence trickster they said you were. Later, I swore to support you and get you out of this phaseand believed that you would change -like many others have

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That I still loved you And that I did not desert those whom I loved How very difficult you have made my life Why? By doing this, you have lost any respect you may have commanded in society… and in my eyes. Did you really feel it was your prerogative To usurp my wealth in such an unethical and unfair a means? Now the fear lurksA constant fearWhat will you do next? Can I ever feel safe with you again? And worse still, Can I interact with you -when a trait you stand for Is the very same trait I despise in others!

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Surely you believed I would find out? You couldn’t be so naïve as to underestimate my intellect? Why, then? I am tired to my very bones and I ask you yet again, Are the thirst for instant gratification and meaningless lifestyles, Worldly passion and drunken stupors, and the greed for ill-gotten wealth such unsurpassable urges in your life That they outdid all what I could give you? Later, you cried out that you were filled with remorse and regret That you had realized the magnitude of what you had done You kept repeating that you had lost everythingWhat did you mean? This is probably the end, the end of the road for me as well. Need I go on now?

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And why not, I ask myself. Because I am strong, Not one to give up, and because, perhaps, I still care! 14th August 2006, Monte Carlo

21. Don’t tell a Soul Don’t tell a Soul what I told you last Walls have ears and Souls can tell lies So don’t tell a Soul that I told you that. Ask me no questions and the truth stays within I am much too trusting And fear, should my life be an open book For all to see. So do let’s be friends but let my life be And don’t tell a Soul that I told you that. 21st February 2003, Bangalore

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22. Figuratively Speaking



Figuratively speaking, We have evolved into an era Where we are nothing but abstract objects de art Mummified and embalmed fatalistic and bizarre We have but have not As we are not. Merely transmundane figures from a world beyond Enigmatic Sceptical. Mozzled The unfortunate survivors in a tentative land. 3rd January 2007, Monte Carlo

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23. Clear that Conscience Who is wrong? Who has been wronged? Or is it a chain reaction purely unintended one which gets us no-where Is revenge the primary intent Or individual self-preservation? Keeping one’s sanity through trying times and hectic lifestyles Coping with expectations or merely doing what is right Being perfect perhaps? The all perfect Mother and Wife Cook and Housemaker Why, even Manager and Teacher! Until one day the head screams out Retract! You don’t have to fit the bill You have a right to love You have a right to live life On your own terms

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You owe it to yourself. Erase the guilt and Clear that Conscience!

No one can take away the fruits of your labor They are yours and yours alone.

It is true that expectations do run high and no one has time for kind words, words of encouragement Time to just hold your hand in understanding. Ignore these accusations hurled at you No matter by whom -don’t be demoralized.

So shrug off that disillusionment, hurt and sorrow Rather, live life for the moment. Rest your tired bones and ease your stressed mind. Live. Breathe. Meditate. You have a right to be here You have a right to do for yourself Whatever gives you happiness and calm. You know best.

As a mother, a human being and a child of God, You are invaluable and deserve to be happy. Arise above all frivolous attempts to malign your every action and lower your self-concept. You have always done what is best for your family, your home and your career Listen to your instinct Listen to your heart

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Have faith in God always You are a child of God And you deserve to be happy. 12th August 2006, Monte Carlo

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24. Moksham-Our Home Moksham. Our home. My husbands passion. named by mewith great thought and care. Moksham. Because I hoped it would be our salvation. That it would liberate us from our past karmas And deliver us into a more serene state Therefore no more rebirths to contend with, as we’d have the ultimate of deliverances! And for that-while at Moksham No more hurtful words No more tears to shed Nor even guilt at having shed them No more unfair demands on anyone who is different or less accomplished They are human too and have as much a right to be here 71

and most of allNo more violence! It is never justified! No more being judgemental of others No more arrogance, There is no lesser mortal. No one is born with high ideals, we develop them. Nor are we born heroeswe work hard to get there. Some get there faster with luck and education favoring them Others struggle-some make itsome don’t. So, while at Moksham, I think it fitting That I share a few words with my sons on their mother, her role and theirs, in working towards and achieving the goals they have set for themselves. 72

Remember, your mother has sacrificed her future to make her family life successful, to ensure her children reach somewhere. She has struggled against all oddsand tried her hand at various professionsgiving it all she hasjust dreading to let go! And finally met success only half way -but that still did not make her a lesser mortal. Don’t underestimate her as being weak, powerless and useless. She is much more than she seems to be And she has as much a right to be here today She has a right to bear the fruits of her labour Don’t insult her-she has toiled to get you there And whether or not you acknowledge it 73

She deserves to be left alone Let her be Instead my sons, focus on your goals You may otherwise lose outin this competitive world Live on! But let her be! Even if she is your mother! 22nd August 2006, Monte Carlo

25. I Cherish you my Love I cherish you my love I cherish your gentle countenance I cherish the way you look when you softly smile at me I cherish the way you tenderly glance my way when I feel myself sinking into the very depth of your being. I cherish your compassionate expression So very soothing to my temperament I cherish the safety I feel in your strong arms where I feel protected for life I cherish the way you intoxicate my senses Silent, strong, ever radiant. I cherish the way you talk to me Sometimes carefree. Sometimes caring.

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No matter if you felt short of others expectations of you For me, you were God-sent To lift me out of my miseries Into a world of self-worth and acceptance for in such a short time you did all this and more. I cherish you my love for all that. Beyond what words can express Beyond what anyone can understand And so I thank God for sending you to me Even if for a short while. 13th August 2006, Monte Carlo

26. The Iconoclast Iconoclast-they called him. The eternal rebel who fought and rebuked every living soul, every faith, every belief Proud to be labeled a non-conformist he stood out in stark contrast like a sore thumb. Brazen, bold and brash He revelled in being the condemned criminal that he was An atheist-he feared no one Cold hearted and ruthless with a myriad history of maims and murders to colour his morbid portfolio I do believe that in the deepest recesses of his heart he sought emancipation from his unscrupulous world of sin and crime But that was not to be-

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there would be no exoneration for this unredeemable sinner he had reached the end of the road Sentenced to the gallows on 18th November 1949. 4th November 2006, Bangalore

27. Here’s to us…! Here’s to us who have loved and lost But wasn’t it worth the feeling -the feeling of love which so many claim to feel but so few really understand? 25th December 1980, Ernakulam

28. A wish for you, my Sister I wish you have a beautiful home Filled with love and happy times, Peaceful times… A time to share, to care A time full of strength faith, compassion, tenderness retrospection, forgiveness and growth. With love, all this is possible! 28th May 1995, Bangalore 78

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29. Oh Insecure World, Heal Thyself I perceive myself as good hearted and sad Yet optimistic and a fighter at heart Oft disillusioned by the way the world behaves The world-an incomprehensible place complicated, confused and pretentious Where men’s good deeds are forgotten and their goodness overlooked. A world where people are afraid to show they care Content in their icy exterior Meant to translate as ‘being in total control’ Hiding behind an arrogant façade Of ‘we know it all’ or worse still ‘we are the best’.



Looms large and ugly on our extended horizon. Where is the world where people gave love and shared unselfishly Where they thought less of their achievements and more about their contributions. Do charity, humility and grace exist merely in an idealist’s perception of life Or perhaps as unrealistic dreams in a flight of fantasy? Must this Charade go on? 25th October 2002, Bangalore

A world where all innocence and simplicity are mocked Where small things are considered irrelevant Where ever-devouring and monstrous materialism disguised in permitted colours

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30. The Very Special Girl on the Campus Termed ‘bubbly, determined, bold and brilliantThe very special girl on the campus’, by a friend who she never dreamed would even give her a second glance. Yet who she now holds dear27 long years later! The truly gifted child who awed many by her ways One who looked great, sang even better. A prolific debater, and yet who was dubbed ‘humble, innocent and a trifle childish perhaps’ Simply because she regarded her talents as a blessing from Godand not for her vain glorification nor to make a Narcissist out of her. She never failed to laugh at herself. 82

Simple at heart and easily hurt She was privileged, protected and cared for by classmates and maternal uncles alike Probably never aware of the charm she extruded She never felt different nor treated others differently She loved all who came to her seeking love No matter how God had created them. A frank and sincere friend Always content in her own little world She tried to make a success of anything she set forth to do The College Beauty Queen who was referred to as “beautiful” by none other than Svetoslav Roerich And she was taken unaware! And it took a friend to compliment her on her having condensed the ingredients of a bestseller 83

into a simple emailto make her realize the writing talent she possessed. She then went right on to exploit it. And slowly the profile changed with a loveless marriage and countless hardships Suddenly her temper ran awry and the world stopped being so understanding Life’s stresses took its toll on this life Once precious to many playing havoc with her health And yet she strode onwith a song on her lips and her carefree laughter determined to make a success of life-on her own terms this time round. Yes, she remains, the Eternal Superwoman 18th December 2006, Monte Carlo

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31. I thought that our Friendship … I thought that our friendship was so strong and straightforward That no one-not anyone could break it That all manipulation and effort to erase our bond would be in vain I thought we were two people strong, straightforward and honest That we stood by each other at all times! I thought we had conviction and faith in each other, and in all that we did -far more than what is possible! That no one could break our bond or even dare step in between us That we wouldn’t compromise our values for anyone But Alas! I was ever so wrong! Nothing works one way my friend, and though I still care, I’m safer on my own.

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No hurt feelings, no more remorse and most importantly-no more regrets! But remember, what we had was rare -two people temperamentally alike and both able to give so much! One day you will realize the magnitude of what we have lost …for one moment of misled loyalty. For one misguided moment when we were unable to stand up for what we believed in. For one moment when we let go of each other’s hands, only to please another insecure soul For one moment when we knew we were wrong and yet were bound by it! But I do believe our friendship is willed by God And I believe we will be thrown together again -only to part, yet again! But never forget dear friend, I still love you so!

32. Shine On! As life speeds by at such a fast pace and we work hard at doing the best we can Let us stop and read words of wisdom from the Gita and the Vedas Which give us the serenity and grace courage and compassion To go through the rest of our life totally at peace with the world Let us be careful while choosing words As even words said in carefree spirit can cause sorrow Let us not cut bonds -instead, let us create more worthwhile relationships Let us have trust and confidence in our friendship-we are two Naturals All mankind was made equal Bereft of pretensions, let us shine on! 12th December 1999, Bangalore

29th November 1996, Bangalore

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33. The Inspiration Thoughts. Mystical. Magical. Fantasy-like Transporting us from the mundane to the piquant. With verve and sparkle Till we are restless passionate and adrenalised We become eloquent. Magniloquent, perhaps. and then mediocrity no longer stays the accepted mode. There is that innate propensity for flamboyance here. Then a sudden aberration sets inUnnerving and a trifle disconcerting. Quixotic ways 90

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get promptly discarded and one awakens to reality The staid path seems less disquieting and more reassuring. Idealistic views pour out and words surge forth Giving voice to emotions which have been cached away in the remote recesses of the being All feelingsEvery feeling Finds expression In Words, Art and Photographic collages. 8th January 2007, Monte Carlo

34. Work not, Want not. We need to realize that only hard work will finally pay off and help us achieve our goals. No matter how intelligent we may claim to be No matter the superior genes we may have inherited The crux of the matter is Only hard work really pays For with hard work come true scientific enquiry And an understanding thereof Which provides us the true knowledge we require to reach great heights. 3rd January 2007, Monte Carlo

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35. Grudgingly Grudgingly. You took me shopping. You walked past Calvin Klien presuming I wouldn’t notice. But you had no choice. We walked in. You eased me into the ‘Solde’ section Is that all I deserve. I felt. After twenty one years of sacrifice and relentless service to the family. Grudgingly. Almost sorrowfully. You bought tickets for the Tom Jones show. Cocktails and Dinner too 150 Euros per person. What a waste, you felt; and when ticket were not available in Monaco, Cap 3000 had to have them! Ah, the lousy quirk of fate!!

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All this, with never a thought On what it is that I would like to do or even, what it is that I deserved. But as luck would have it for you The show never saw the light of day. Or night! We received intimation by post On the premiere screening of ‘O Jerusalem’ At the Grimaldi Forum, Monaco. A film I would have loved to have seen The reviews said it was an intense film on real life events And which provided an opportunity to meet the stars And most importantly, Dominic Lappierre and Elie Chouraqui but no-you weren’t game No Sir! Not for a moment thinking that it was a small price to payfor something which meant so much to me!

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Then the day before the show-you suddenly agreed, Cocktails, dinner et al! I thanked God for small mercies. For years, the children learnt your ways They took leads from you and grudgingly allowed me to shop even at supermarkets little realizing that without that, I could not dish out those exotic meals nor run a perfect home for them. Ungrudgingly! I feared then for their future for their wives. Would my boys ever remember what I had worked hard to instill in them… the grace to appreciate even the smallest of gestures done for them as they are done with love, care and concern and with no expectation whatsoever!

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For years they learnt to be demeaning to me Despite the efforts I had put to ensure they survive anywhere -that they were adept at tennis, swimming, roller blading, ice skating, music, quizzing, oration, essay writing and Science Talent competitions-and emerge winners wherever possible. But strive they did, and support them, I did. They credited me rarely, and more often that not I was asked what I had done for them that other mothers haven’t done for their progeny. I let other mothers testify and emerged victorious all the way and my children-they still acknowledge my contribution -sparingly… Grudgingly!

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Gifts bought for me from BVL Gari’s and Tiffany’s and the innumerable perfumes were always bought in my absence. You took others along to erase the guilt or perhaps convince them of just how much you cared for me! You deceived them and they believed you! I didn’t as I knew they were bought Grudgingly! Converting to Rupees at every stage to reinforce just how much you spent on me Forgetting that without genuine, unrestricted love No amount of money spent grudgingly Would ever amount to anythingNullified and absolutely Worthless! 20th September 2006, Monte Carlo

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36. Restlessness The unsettled feeling which keeps us on our toes lest we become immobilized. The spirit which gets us cracking Just when we were content with our insipid existence. Restlessness. Our motivation. The unsettled feeling within us which gets our spirits soaring Spurring us on to reach new heights Each time. Every time. Dissatisfied with mediocrity and restless to achieve more We are triggered on to reach for the stars. The ripples created in the course our mediocre existence are propelled on to become 100

tidal waves in the ocean of competition. Restlessnessspurring us on even further till We are bursting with the uncontrollable energy now of paramount importance in our ambitious lifestyles We become the ultimate achievers in a professional’s paradise. Dissatisfied with mediocrity thirsting for more Restlessness slowly and surely takes over our lives. The lackluster, nondescript nature of an obscure existence is now a thing of the past. 9th February 2007, Bangalore

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37. An Intimate Encounter Memories. Scented. Sacred. Never before experienced. Too precious to be ignored. Memories. Tenderly wrapped inside the heart. Austere-yet Arcane. Almost etherealLifting one into another wonderful world. Love so overwhelming So heavenly Helping keep insanity at bayin an all too insane world. The perfect Bohemian whirl wind romance. 16th February 2007, Bangalore.

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38. I Believe I believe I am here in this world for a purpose. I believe that I have an important role to play in this leitmotif called life. And whether or not I realize it, is entirely up to me But that will decide whether I make a success or failure of it. But I question myself there How can I make a failure of life when I believe in myself And I have the ‘never say die’ spirit which has seen me through several failures and successes alike Forever ready to take the plunge each time-every time. And I never ever gave up

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I trusted my instinct and believed at all times that no well- meaning advice given by friends and relatives alike would as much as sway me from my faith. And I was right. A mothers instinct is often unquestionably right -except in exceptional cases. I have tried to be a sensitive caring parent – save when tempers came to the fore-but always with my sons’ best interest in mind. I have treated my children as my equals and have often been reprimanded for it. It has made then outspoken , precocious and a trifle defiantbut I willed it that way. I have tried to maintain 104

high ideals surrendering only to love As nothing is of more relevance than the love we have for one another in the world today-as through it we become more humane, more noble, more tolerant Hence today I believe, all else is just Mayathe eternal illusion which we are desperately chasing but which seems unreal next to all encompassing love As through this we genuinely conquer all the nihilistic forces in our lives As against superficially conquering them. Till we are free-truly free to take on the challenges of life With fortitude, calmness, equanimity of mind and above all, love.

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For today, I believe that God is a fair God He is neither fearsome nor demanding He is not here to add to our stresses But instead to ease our pain He is a beautiful, peaceful and gracious God And He wishes us well.

have left us wiser and strongerI believe if we set ourselves high ambitionswhich we work hard towards the victory will surely be ours. 17th December 2007, Monte Carlo

I believe we have to accept what we have achieved and what we have not …equally gracefully. As what has eluded us was never meant to be ours in the first place-at that moment atleast. It is our faith in ourselves which will help us eventually achieve the toughest of goalsprovided we don’t give up. As I believe that no effort is ever wasted as surely the experience would 106

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39. Being True to Oneself When we look around us we see self imposed misery portrayed as happiness Adultery camouflaged in sporadic expressions of love Ludicrous figures adopting pseudo lifestyles A society contrived, hypocriticalportraying to the world what it is not for in all truth, it knows not what it is! On the one hand, men and women are mere players in an ongoing charade which gets them nowhere. Confused, wild and drunk, they are seeking sensationalismin an all time desperate pursuit.

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On the other hand, narrow viewpoints persist in supposedly modern minds Ever ready to criticize and condemn And poets are denied freedom of expression and held guilty for moving away from the ‘accepted path’, which only permits restricted, safe, insipid and unwholesome literature. Those of us who are true to ourselves are made to feel guilty for our ‘sins’ As we know not how to camouflage our supposedly wrong doings Nor how to utter measured sentences. Man therefore cannot evolve, and neither can he 110

portray himself as the real man that he is in a real world. He simply cannot be true to himself. We have no right to love, to live or even breathewithout feeling the guilt imposed on us by the ever- forbidding society. We need to break the shackles binding us, as, in this restriction lies our doom. We need to inhale fresh air and believe we know what’s best for us, simply because we do. I attribute this non acceptance of intellectual expression and freedom To rigid upbringings, for everything is either

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right or wrongblack or white. -that there is no in-between path. There is no freedom therefore to be oneself. We are held accountable and questioned for every word uttered and every paragraph written. Safety is therefore the preferred route. But not in this case. I believe I will never cease to be myselfthe real me. As I am a fine human being who can hold her head high and say-‘I am truly free, I believe in myself and I am true to myself I would therefore like to share my experiences with the world.’ 21st January 2007, Bangalore

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