Spongebob Square Pants: 'spa Treatment'

Spongebob Squarepants

"Spa Treatment" by Alex Miller

T. Alex Miller PO Box 1751 Frisco, CO 80443 970-485-3804

“SPA TREATMENT” FADE IN: INT-KRUSTY KRAB KITCHEN-DAY SPONGEBOB is at his grill, thrilled to be there and feeling so confident in his Krabby Patty-making skills that he’s experimenting with various flourishes. He narrates his actions as he goes, as music tracks his themes. SPONGEBOB ...and then I can flip the patty up ... And spin around ... Bun out ... And wah-la! Crabby patty lands on the bun. And I samba over to the lettuce station ... Lettuce on! And I goose-step over to the tomato station ... Tomatoes on! And I waltz over to the pickle station ... Pickles on! Top of bun on! Wow! I’m getting so good at this! Wait’ll I show ‘em my Low Orbit Square Pants Blender Technique! MR. KRABS enters the kitchen MR. KRABS Oh Spongebob! I needs to talk to ya, lad! SPONGEBOB Hold on a sec Mr. Krabs. I’m about to put a Krabby Patty in orbit! With a mighty flick of the wrist, he sends a patty up through the roof of the Krusty Krab. FAVORING AIRBORN KRABBY PATTY We track the patty as it ascends through the depths, emerges above the sea then continues into the atmosphere. Into space, past the moon and the outer planets it finally comes to a halt and, impossibly lured by the Earth’s gravity, begins its plunge back downward. Upon re-entry, it flames mightily then hits the sea. SFX: GREAT SIZZLING. We track it back through the depths until it falls back through the hole in the Krusty Krab. Spongebob is waiting with his pants held open. The patty lands inside his pants and he snaps his waist band shut as if he’s captured an animal.

2. SPONGEBOB Got it! Now for the pants blender. Yowwwwww!!!! That one got hot on reentry! He ping-pongs off the walls of the kitchen a few times. SPONGEBOB Cool lettuce! I need cool crisp lettuce! He runs to the lettuce station and stuffs some leaves down his pants. CLOSE ON HIS FACE SPONGEBOB Ahhhh! And some cool tomatoes ... He zips from station to station stuffing ingredients in his pants. SPONGEBOB Chilly pickles! Tepid bread! Give it all a great big hula shake ... He goes through some lightning fast hula shakes until, with a final flourish and a mighty shake of his leg, the completed Krabby Patty emerges from his pant leg. SPONGEBOB Wah-la! A fully formed, perfectly delicious Krabby Patty! Try it, Mr. Krabs! MR. KRABS Er, no thanks lad. That’s very nice, but I think you ought to save those special Krabby Patty’s for the staff dinner. SPONGEBOB OK Mr. Krabs. MR. KRABS But Spongebob, I need to tell you something. This may not be easy for you to understand but ... I’m going away. SPONGEBOB (crying hysterially) No Mr. Krabs! You can’t go! You can’t go wo-wo-wo!

3. He throws himself at Mr. Krabs’ feet and weeps uncontrollably. MR. KRABS Now lad, don’t get all worked up. I’m just going on a short vacation. Spongebob, embarrassed, straightens up. SPONGEBOB Oh. Vacation. Right. (it sinks in, though) Vacation!?? MR. KRABS Things are going so well that I’ve decided I can trust the place to you and Squidward. So I’m going to the Seaweed Spa for some rejuvenatin’ and relaxation. Goodbye, lad. I’ll be back soon. SPONGEBOB Wait! Can I come? No.

MR. KRABS SPONGEBOB Can I come? No.

MR. KRABS SPONGEBOB Can I come? No! Can I ...

MR. KRABS SPONGEBOB MR. KRABS Listen me lad, you do great work, but you, you wear me out! I need a rest, from the Krusty Krab, from Bikini Bottom, even from you, lad. Now goodbye. CLOSE ON Spongebob’s anguished face, which CONTORTS, then MELTS into a puddle at his feet. We see and hear his CRYING face in the puddle, and also see streams of tears gushing out of his EARS.

4. ON Mr. Krabs MR. KRABS Cry all you want, Spongebob. I’ve got to have me rest. Goodbye! Mr. Krabs walks off. Spongebob cries a bit more but, when he realizes there’s no audience, he bends over to suck his face back onto his body and the waterworks cease. SPONGEBOB That was intense! EXT-OUTSIDE KRUSTY KRAB-DAY WIDER ANGLE We see Mr. Krabs disappearing over the horizon as Spongebob and Squidward wave goodbye. CLOSER ON SPONGEBOB AND SQUIDWARD SPONGEBOB I don’t get it, Squidward. Why would anyone need a vacation from a wonderful place like the Krusty Krab and Bikini Bottom? SQUIDWARD Spongebob, I’d enjoy a vacation at the dump if it meant you weren’t there. SPONGEBOB Oh, but you tried that, Squidward, and remember how Patrick and I found you and ... SQUIDWARD Yes Spongebob. I remember. Now come on, we’ve got customers in there and Mr. Krabs is depending on us. He gives Spongebob a disgusted look and goes back into the restaurant. SPONGEBOB (to horizon) Well, Mr. Krabs, I hope you find what you’re looking for at the Seaweed Spa. PATRICK joins him

5. PATRICK The Seaweed Spa? That’s where Mr. Krabs is going? Yeah. Why?

SPONGEBOB PATRICK Well, they say that those who’ve gone there ... Never returned! DRAMATIC ANGLE on Patrick’s face as he says this. OMINOUS MUSIC, a bit of THUNDER and LIGHTNING. EXT-SEAWEED SPA-DAY PAN the spa treatment center, PAST a sign that says SEAWEED SPA: THE EASY LIFE FOR MARINE LIFE and inside, where a variety of sea creatures are working on other sea creatures. A GIANT OCTOPUS MASSEUR floating above is working on eight LARGE FISH simultaneously. LARGE FISH Oooh! Ahhh! Yes! My aching fins! Don’t forget the gills. Etc. We continue on to see a couple of EELS on chaise lounges with MUD PACKS on their faces. They look at each other and SMILE. FIRST EEL My skin is tingling! Mine too!

SECOND EEL ANGLE ON the eels’ tails, which touch tenderly, sending HIGH VOLTAGE between them. The electricity freeze-dries the mud on their surprised faces. The mud falls off. SFX: TINKLING GLASS. Revealed are their upset and hideously deformed faces. Moving past them, we see some LARGE SEA TORTOISES getting their shells BUFFED by FISH STAFFERS wielding gasolinepowered polishing wheels. FIRST TORTOISE And I thought your shell rubs felt good! SECOND TORTOISE I just don’t want it to end! Finally, we see Mr. Krabs, who is lying on a chaise with some CUCUMBER SLICES perilously perched on his eyes. Small SAND SHARKS are gently nibbling on his arms and legs.

6. Above him hovers a matronly KILLER WHALE STAFFER. She is holding a pot labeled DRAWN BUTTER, and she’s ladeling the stuff onto Mr. Krabs. MR. KRABS Aaahhhh! Whatever that is, it feels like a bit o’ heaven on me body! On Spongebob and Patrick, who are peering over a bin full of dirty towels. SPONGEBOB Look at that, Patrick! They’re buttering him up for the kill! PATRICK Look at those little sharks biting him Spongebob! Owwwwww.... SPONGEBOB I’ve seen enough, Patrick. We’ve got to act. WIDER ANGLE as Spongebob and Patrick approach Mr. Krabs and the whale. KILLER WHALE Hello gentlemen! If you’re looking for the sea sponge and starfish treatment room, it’s just around the corner. SPONGEBOB Sea sponge room? PATRICK Starfish treatment? CLOSE ON Mr. Krab’s eyes, which open incredulously. MR. KRABS Spongebob! What are you doing here?! Who’s mindin’ the restaurant! SPONGEBOB Squidward’s got it all under control Mr. Krabs. We just had to come and tell you that ... He looks around at all the calm goings-on, and we lock on several more images in quick succession:

7. A SHARK having his fins massaged by a bevy of crabs while its teeth are being polished by a FISH DENTAL HYGIENIST; A LARGE WHALE giggling as barnacles are being scraped from its belly; A pair of SEALS having their backs waxed by a FISH wielding two large sticky SEA SNAKES. SEAL ONE Owwwwww!!! Hit me again! SEAL TWO I love it! Owwwww! ON Mr. Krabs MR. KRABS What’s that, Spongebob? SPONGEBOB ...to tell you what a, a dangerous place this is. There is a moment of silence, then the entire spa room ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER. CLOSE ON Spongebob and Patrick, looking sheepish. SPONGEBOB I guess it does seem a little silly. KILLER WHALE Well young man, it is. And if you’re convinced your friend isn’t in danger, why don’t you try some treatments for yourself? MR. KRABS Yes Spongebob. It’s on me. Just leave me in peace! MOMENTS LATER ON Killer Whale KILLER WHALE Now that the sharks have tenderized your limbs and opened your pores, this special moisturizing butter will really soften up that lovely crustacean exoskeleton!

8. MR. KRABS I dunno. I had a relative once had a terrible experience with melted butter! Those little sharkies sure feel good though! Aaahhhhh .... As the bubbles from Mr. Krabs’ “aaahhh” go up, we follow them past the surface. EXT-SEAWEED SPA SEAFOOD RESTAURANT-SIMULTANEOUS *Note: This segment is LIVE ACTION. We PAN PAST a sign that reads: SEAWEED SPA SEAFOOD: WE GENTLY COAX THE FOOD ONTO YOUR PLATE. PAST rows of diners consuming lobsters, fish, etc. A SNOOTY WAITER hovers above a YOUNG COUPLE. WAITER And our special of the hour is Krusty Krab. Shark tenderized and pre-buttered, with saffron rice and baby carrots. MAN Excellent. We’ll take that. WAITER Very good, sir. The Waiter tugs on a cord. INT-SEAWEED SPA-SIMULTANEOUS Down below, we see a rope near Mr. Krabs move up and down. On it is a sign reading “Krusty Krab.” The Killer whale reacts. KILLER WHALE OK Mr. Krabs. It’s time for the hot tub! MR. KRABS Oh, I dunno. I once had a relative had a nasty turn in a hot tub. KILLER WHALE It’s for your own good Mr. Krabs. INT-SEA SPONGE & STARFISH TREATMENT ROOM-MOMENTS LATER ON Patrick, who is reclining on a chaise, his hands resting in pots of wax on either side of him. He is wearing a mud mask as well.

9. PATRICK Spongebob, this feels so good! SPONGEBOB Just keep your UNNGGHHHH! wits about you, Patrick! PATRICK My what? Aahhhhhhh! He reacts to a CRAB on his head, massaging him. ON Spongbob, who is lying face-down on a bench. A cute LADY SEA SPONGE is next to him, and she controls an enormous rock on a pulley, which she lowers repeatedly onto Spongebob, causing him to flatten and emit gushers of water. He then rises back to full size. CLOSER on Spongebob’s face, which we see from below, framed in the cushioned device that cradles his face. SPONGEBOB Never mind. I guess I’m the only UNGHHHHH!!! one who’s going to rescue us from this place when the bad guys come UNGGGHHH! Aaaahhhhh! Lady, you’ve got a way with a rock! The lady sea sponge smiles as we CUT TO INT-SEAWEED SPA SEAFOOD RESTAURANT-SIMULTANEOUS A WOMAN is at the gift shop counter. WOMAN Do you have any real sea sponge? It’s supposed to be great for the complexion! CLERK One moment please. The clerk jerks a cord labeled “SEA SPONGE” ON SPONGEBOB We see the cord jerk up and down on the sign reading SPONGE 3. The lady sea sponge sees it and gives Spongbob a MEANINGFUL, PITYING LOOK. LADY SEA SPONGE OK, let’s get you your body wrap.

10.

Body wrap?

SPONGEBOB DISSOLVE TO: INT-SEA SPONGE & STARFISH TREATMENT ROOM-MOMENTS LATER Spongebob is now inside a cellophane bag. The Lady Sea Sponge is fastening a CARDBOARD LABEL to the bag with a large STAPELER. The label reads GENUINE SEA SPONGE: FOR THE COMPLEXION. SPONGEBOB Look at me, Patrick! I’m in the bag! ON Patrick, still on the chaise covered in MASSAGING CRABS PATRICK Wow. Can you breathe in there? SPONGEBOB Of course I can ... Wait a second! No, I can’t! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Get me outta here! WIDER ANGLE as a HOOK DESCENDS from above and the Lady Sea Sponge attaches it to the bag. Still screaming, Spongebob is raised up ... ON Patrick Oh ... No!

PATRICK Patrick brushes off his crabs and leaps after Spongebob’s bag. Up, up, up they go until, just before the bag breaks the surface, Patrick catches up with it and, with a mighty lunge, rips open the bag with a CRAB he holds in his hand. They float downward to the spa. SPONGEBOB Thanks Patrick! PATRICK That was a close one! I told you about this place1 SPONGEBOB We’ve got to save Mr. Krabs! Float faster! Float faster! CUT TO:

11. ANGLE ON Mr. Krabs being lowered (via a rope-and-pulley contraption attached to a frame he’s lying on) into a pot of boiling water. From his POV, it looks like a jacuzzi. The killer whale controls the rate of descent. MR. KRABS Nice and slow now, missy. That water looks mighty hot! KILLER WHALE Nice and slow, Mr. Krabs. INT-SEAWEED SPA SEAFOOD RESTAURANT-SIMULTANEOUS The Young Couple are fighting over their last piece of bread. CLOSE ON the waiter, who notices this and angrily jerks on the cord again. DOWN BELOW On the cord jerking up and down, the killer whale lets go of the rope attached to Mr. Krabs. He PLUNGES into the hot water. CLOSE ON THE SURFACE OF THE WATER A few moments pass before Mr. Krabs comes shooting out of the water like a rocket. MR. KRABS Yowwwwwwwwwwww! As he’s still airborn, Spongebob streaks in and whisks him away. The Killer whale starts to pursue, but Patrick FLATTENS HER with a KARATE KICK. They all three run through the DOOR. Spongebob pops his head back in a moment later. WIDER ANGLE showing spa patrons and Spongebob at the door. SPONGEBOB Run for your lives! It’s a trap! You’ll all die! Aggghhhhh! He runs back out the door. A moment passes, then, all the spa patrons JUMP UP and RUN SCREAMING out the door as we CUT TO: EXT-KRUSTY KRUSTY KRAB-LATER Establishing shot, then pull in until we can see through the window. Spongebob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs are surrounded by the residents of Bikini Bottom, obviously telling their story with lots of dramatic gestures. After a moment of this, we CUT TO

12. INT-KRUSTY KRUSTY KRAB-SIMULTANEOUS MR. KRABS And I owe my life to Spongebob and Patrick here! SPONGEBOB And I owe my life to Patrick! He’s the real hero! CLOSE ON Patrick, who BLUSHES deeply as the crowd gives him a hearty, flipper ovation. SFX: Flippers clappin’ and flappin’. MR. KRABS I learned an important lesson today: Always check the guidebook before pickin’ yer vacation spot! CUT TO: EXT-BIKINI BOTTOM-SIMULTANEOUS We pull out from the scene in the restaurant and take in the town, then CUT TO: EXT-SEAWEED SPA SEAFOOD RESTAURANT-LATER CLOSE ON the door of the restaurant, where a MAN is putting up a sign that reads: CLOSED. NO FISH! FADE TO BLACK. THE END