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Peace Corps Goal Two Spending All His Time at Star Apartments One third of the United States Peace Corps’ objectives has been shirking his duties to represent America and American values by holing up at the UB gated community known as Star Apartments, according to a recent GAO investigation. In years past, Goal 2 maintained a non-stop travel schedule visiting on average four different aimags per month. Possible reasons for the drop-off in travel cited in the report include the deterioration of Mongolia’s domestic air travel system and the global rise in anti-American sentiment. The second reason is largely discounted by outside experts and Mongolians alike. Goal Two seen out, in happier times. “America good,” said S. Narantsetseg. “I go with you?”

Real Intervention Spoiled by Past Mock Interventions

An informal survey of Goal 2 related activities reveals that his seclusion could be part of a larger phenomenon. The vast majority of Mongolia’s 1,400 expatriates live in UB and have little or no contact with Mongolian nationals outside of their daily work. Visits to Millie’s, Oasis, and Strings showed virtually no locals who weren’t working as servers or as part of the informal economy. This evidence does not fully explain the failure of Goal 2’s mission. Another reason could be sheer exhaustion and the easy comforts of expat friendly hangouts.

A recent attempt by friends to get Arkhangai resident John “Steel” Kinsella to address his growing drinking problem was rendered futile by the organizer’s previous uses of the phrase “The real reason I’ve brought you all here is…”

“I know I should be getting out there,” Goal 2 responded by text message when asked to comment. “I started coming to Star for the odd event and barbecue. Next thing I know, I’m hanging out in the community center watching See Goal Two on page 2

“We were all gathered in Steel’s living room for what he thought was a game of trivial pursuit when Jeremy tried to begin the intervention,” said fellow Arkhangaite Lizzie O’Rourke. “But Steel just rolled the dice and slurred ‘Ask me a purple question!’ There are no purple questions,” added O’Rourke. Each member of the group had prepared a short statement about how Kinsella’s drinking had negatively affected their lives. These grievances varied from making scenes in See Intervention on page 2 1

Improvements in infrastructure and English language facility may ease Goal 2’s reintroduction to the Mongolian people. Other advances mentioned by non-UB expats include the availability of Coke Light and hot showers. Nevertheless, it will always be an uphill battle and progress will be incremental. “I’m thinking of heading to Darkhan this summer, then maybe Erdenet. Whoa, I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” texted Goal 2. from Intervention on page 1 public to constantly asking for money until his next living allowance came in. “He says he spends all his money on ‘candy’, but I know where it really goes. The bank of Yang is closed,” said Mike Yang.

Kinsella, surrounded by friends. It was unclear whether a new intervention was planned, but organizer Jeremy Green made it clear that trivia would not be a part of it. “After years of pub quizzes, it’s like asking him to swim without water in the pool,” said Green. When reached for comment Kinsella denied knowledge of the aborted intervention and immediately answered “Winston Churchill…roll twice.” 2

Hot Rob: Cooling Down? The temperature of Arkhangai resident Rob Shore appears to have markedly decreased since last summer’s high according to anonymous reports from fellow PCVs.

Ger Stove

Yak’s Breath

Poopsicle

His hotness could increase with access to grooming equipment and running water, or of course, copious amounts of alcohol.

Infographic THEFT OF STEEL TO BE SOLD FOR SCRAP METAL IS ON THE RISE. 100 90 80 70 60 50 40 30 20 10 Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aig Sep Oct Nov Dec

from Goal Two on page 1 the Armed Forces network eating take-out from California. You don’t know what it’s like. 1 has counterparts and programmers for support and don’t get me started on 3. Dressing up in a deel doling out vodka to 300 million people wouldn’t be so easy without an interstate highway system.”

Peace Corps Mongolia Anagrams In the following section several well-known Peace Corps Mongolia personalities will answer readers’ questions with anagrams of their own names. Dear Brie Aspasia Sherow, How do you remain consistently popular with your female counterparts?

I brassiere swap, ho!

Dear Owen Robert Johns, If you were a political candidate, what would your campaign slogan be?

BJs: Not Here or Now

Dear Robert Shore, How did you feel after you fell in that ditch?

Sore, brother.

Dear Daniel S Marx, How would you describe your new ger? Damn sex lair! Dear Eric Iman, How have you changed since Sid COSed?

I am nicer.

Dear Amy Crawford, We all know you’re an avid World of Warcraft player. So what’s your screen name?

Dwarforc Amy

Dear Walter Kenneth Goodson, I recently started dating my counterpart. I think we should probably take things slow. What’s your advice?

No, not slow. Get her naked!

How Does An Arkhangaite Spend Their Living Allowance?

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A Hankering to Hunker “The classic notion of a Peace Corps volunteer is an eager college graduate hunkered down in a remote village with a good education and miles of goodwill.” Peace Corps Times, spring 1998 While a recent development in Mongolia, hunkering has a long and storied history in the Peace Corps community. Its characteristics and mannerisms can’t be taught. One has to experiment in the solitude of their hut, hovel, home, or ger. And if you have to ask “am I hunkering now?” you aren’t even close. It is often when the usually social PCV is torn between joining their friends and enjoying that cozy nook, good book, and mug of tea that they realize “I’d rather be hunkering.” In Mongolia, it was pioneered by the ladies of Tsetserleg and has quickly spread to other areas of the country. Hunkering entails a great deal of eyebrow furrowing and stockpiling of food and supplies. The concepts needed to grasp Approach hunkerers with care. this skill are not hard to pick up--hence its widespread adoption throughout the country by both PCVs and Mongolians. In fact, we constantly extol the virtues of such activities to our fellow volunteers who live outside of the province. It is an acutely refined way of living which anyone can learn within a couple of days of practice and meditation. Enthusiasm for becoming a hunkerer has markedly increased throughout Mongolia during the onset of another frigid winter, as doing so is an almost natural instinct for that dreaded season. Hunkering can help diminish the inevitable “ger fever” syndrome or “apartment anxiety” that many PCVs are prone to develop over sustained periods of isolation. There are no documented adverse side effects or detriments associated with hunkering activities.

Hunkering is very conducive to journal writing.

Hunkerers seek to be either in solitude or to be in the company of those who are sympathetic to their benevolent cause. This is not a sign of weakness by any means. Instead, it reinforces the archetype of the potent strengths exhibited through a singular point of influence, namely the hunkerer.

To be a hunkerer, you must accept yourself as you are. This is a crucial part of proceeding down the path of the hunkerer. Then, simply contact an Arkhangaite via smoke signal, messenger pigeon, or any other desired arcane method of communication. Texting is fine, also. Upon receipt of your inquiry, a compassionate hunkerer will help guide you on your journey.

‰ ‰ ‰

YES. I wish to become a fellow hunkerer now. Please send more information! NO. I do not wish to better myself through hunkering. Please put me on the spam-messaging list! MAYBE. I don’t know enough about whether I want to be a hunkerer. Please send your complete informational packet via mind meld! Name: Address: Preferred Drink: Today’s Date:

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The Ladies of Arkhangai Arkhangai has the great fortune of being blessed with three lovely female PCVs. One M15. One M16. One M17. The following article provides profiles of these three lovely ladies. Name: Amy Crawford Group: M15 Hair: The Alaskan Amber: natural, supple, and inviting Before Peace Corps she was: A wilderness guide in Alaska* After Peace Corps she will be: Living in Alaska, teaching, modeling for Patagonia, and writing tortured poetry Turn ons: Folk music Turn offs: Technology Secret Talent: Champion jump-roper Catch phrase: “Jeepers!” Testimonial: “I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty good with the rope” – Amy (talking about herself)* Name: Lizzie O’Rourke Group: M16 Hair: The Eternal Flame: A Golden Forest Fire lit by God himself Before Peace Corps she was: Licking mayonnaise off muscular Uzbeks After Peace Corps she will be: Living in England, studying French, dating an Australian Turn ons: Salt Turn offs: Light Mayo Secret Talent: Does a wicked scarecrow impersonation Catch phrase: “Pass the mayo” Testimonial: “We call Lizzie ‘Dr. Do-little’, not because she’s lazy, but because she speaks to animals” - Steel Name: Brie Sherow Group: M17 Hair: The Slit Wrist: Dark, Self-inflicted, and messy Before Peace Corps she was: Licking bourbon off muscular Kiwis After Peace Corps she will be: In prison Turn ons: Hobos Turn offs: Literacy Secret Talent: Bilingual (English and New Zealand English) Catch the phrase: “One time in New Zealand…” Testimonial: “What can I say about Brie that hasn’t already been said about Herbert Hoover: she’s a liar and she’s obsessed with hobos” – Ken Goodson * This is true 5

Point/Counterpoint Arkhangai by Lizzie O’Rourke You’ve read the Lonely Planet, and heard the rumors. It’s Mongolia’s Promised Land, the Switzerland of Asia. Yet you shouldn’t believe everything you read or hear about Arkhangai; we’ve got our share of difficulties, our burden to shoulder. Just to keep it in perspective, here are some reasons to loathe, not love, Arkhangai. Reason #1: Fairfield (the bakery/guesthouse) closes on Sundays. Just when you really needed, not merely wanted, that cinnamon roll and latte this eatery lets you down. Reason #2: Subway doesn’t have enough stops. Mongolia’s only aimag center subway system has just three lines. Reason #3: The unicorns are slowly dying out. Reason #4: Too much support. PC/Mongolia’s first countryside PCVL is just a stone’s throw away. But support in PC requires a delicate balance. Ask Greg Tyng. Reason # 5: Climate not representative of Mongolia. Arkhangai is in a warm pocket, several degrees balmier than UB in the winter. This leaves us unprepared for trips out of the aimag. Sukhbaatar by Craig Castagna You have a vague recollection of where Sukhbaatar is. You’ve probably met some volunteers who live there, but no one who’s gone there on purpose. I know the Lonely Planet gives us a bad rap, but they did remove the word dismal from the latest edition. Who knows, maybe next year they’ll say we’re on the edge of nowhere. I just thought I’d take this opportunity to give you some reasons why Sukhbaatar is a lot better than you’ve heard. Reason #1: Your view of the sunrise is never interrupted by mountains, hills, lakes, valleys, or trees. Reason #2: You’re constantly reminded of one of the greatest heroes in Mongolian history. Take that Choibalson. Reason #3: Exfoliation is quick and easy thanks to regular, powerful dust storms. Reason #4: Sand worm attacks are generally restricted to spice mining areas. Reason #5: There’s nothing to distract you from your love of fine beverages that can be enjoyed with friends or even alone, so, so alone. 6

Sukhbaatar Hospitality We like Sukhbaatar. They’re good people. One of us, Jeremy, has even visited Sukhbaatar (a courtesy no Sukhbaatar resident has shown Arkhangai). He found Sukhbaatar residents pleasant and hospitable, but let’s face it, they’re predictable; utterly incapable of coming up with any original Kindling material. The Sukhbaatar Kindling will invariably include a “Baruun-Urt Spirits Advisory Council” article, perhaps reviewing the newly released Borgio Gold and Borgio Light, or using fake testimonials to snidely poke fun at fellow PCVs. Other articles will probably bemoan Sukhbaatar’s lack of geological diversity or point out the irony of the fact that Matt is gay, but likes cheap beer and professional sports, while Craig is straight, but likes poetry and nice wine, and wears fancy hats. It’s not that this isn’t funny; it’s just that we’ve read it all before. So we here in Arkhangai have decided to help Sukhbaatar out, thus we’ve written a short piece for them. We know how much Matt loves rap music, so here it is - Sukhbaatar Hospitality: Sukhbaatar flows Sukhbaatr chodes Check out the rocks on Craig’s Sukhbaatar hoes Sukhbaatar’s fine Sukhbaatar shines Matt likes to review Sukhbatar’s wine All my players in the ger that can buy the bar And the ballin-ass chodes with the Excel cars If you bold and you know that you rock the hoes When you get on the flo’ circle dance real slow All my women in ger if ya making buuz And the fly-ass ladies with they Smoove love notes Witcha high-heeled boots or ya open toes When you get on the flo’ circle dance real slow Sukhbaatar don’t know Sukhbaatar winds blow

Mike loves to rock Sukhbaatar strip shows Sukhbaatar big skies Sukhbaatar writes lies Kim’s too nice for those Sukhbaatar guys All my players in the ger that can buy the bar And the ballin-ass chodes with the Excel cars If you bold and you know that you rock the hoes When you get on the flo’ circle dance real slow All my women in ger if ya making buuz And the fly-ass ladies with they Smoove love notes Witcha high-heeled boots or ya open toes When you get on the flo’ circle dance real slow Sukhbaatar lacks hills Sukhbaatar lacks thrills Sukhbaatar folks lack Arkhangai skills They overall dirty We overall clean But Sukhbaatar hospitality rocked Halloween

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REEL TIME With John Steel

Howdy folks. Hopefully you’ve all made your way to one of UB’s DVD shops to sample the low price entertainment. In case you haven’t, your best bets are Happy Shop 1 (past the Ih Delguur on the left side of the street) and Happy shop 2 (on the road between Tengis Kino and Peace Ave. on the left side). Other options are Sky Video, the Ih Delguur, and the Flower Center. The selection varies and it’s hard to predict what new or old movies they’ll have. So, my advice is to make a visit to at least each Happy Shop a part of every trip to the city. You never know what new release or favorite classic you’ll find. To give you some idea of what to expect I’ve selected three recent purchases that represent, from the worst to the best, what you can find. Myy Ãàèãóé Ñàéí

Beware of DVDs that feature one movie on the packageing, but another movie on disc itself. This copy of the Bad News Bears remake was actually a basketball documentary called The Bad News Ballers. This can happen with all remakes or similar sounding titles so make sure to check the DVD before leaving the store.

Roughly half the DVDs you find were originally filmed off of a movie theater screen. The quality of these varies from stable with good sound to wobbly with bad sound and people walking in and out of the frame. The camera filming this copy of Lady in the Water actually falls over half way through the movie. Luckily, you don’t miss much.

The other half were copied from discs sent out for reviewers or awards judges. These are perfect copies that may even have special features. You know you have a “Screener” when text such as “this disc is the property of...” crawls across the screen. Don’t mind the Russian writing on this copy of Children of Men. The disc has a good English language track.

Best back of the box quotes On Syriana, “Overly ambitious and too complicated.”- Betty Jo Tucker

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On The Ringer, “The best mob movie ever?”- Roger Ebert

On Lady in the Water, “Struck with fright or horror terrible story.”M. Night Shyamalan

Coming Soon: Marmots on a Micro Did you love Snakes on a Plane? Don't answer that. I'll do it for you. You loved it. It shook you to your very foundation and made you reexamine religion, politics, the platonic form of the gratuitous breast, and the term "mutha fu*%in"" all over again. For those of you whose cinematic appetites were not fully sated with just one installment of serpents slithering through seven-forty-sevens, fear not, Marmots on a Micro looks to join Terminator 2, Star Wars, and the Dorf Goes Fishing collection in the short list of series where in the follow-up bit the original directly in the buttocks. The film follows an unsuspecting group of foreigners on what, at first, looks to be a routine journey to the countryside. Things turn sour when rice sacks full of meat, haraa laden grandmothers, and really, really cold feet enter the picture. Just when it seems that things can't get any worse...Marmots…micro…mayhem. How will the group get the (mutha fu#*in') marmots of that (mutha fu#*in') micro? You'll have to watch to find out. Jolooch turned director Ch. Hurhuunbaatar tells The Songin, "I wanted to take all of the terror, cuteness, disease, and deliciousness of the marmot and try to fit it all inside one micro." Moviegoers seem to think that Mr. Hurhuunbaatar crammed all of this and more into the film. There is already talk of a follow up titled Jaguars in a Jaran Us After all, when it comes to Mongol transportation, there is always room for one more.

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I ♥ RAMEN. I heart ramen, and it hearts me back. I think the various delguur owners around my site heart me as well, since I buy so much of their ramen. In fact, just a few months after getting to site, I bought an entire box of ramen during a resupply weekend. It was devoured within a month or so (24 packages, which is almost a serving a day). Just imagine the processes going on in my intestinal tract from all that MSG’ed lovin’. Unlike the guy in the excellent documentary “Super Size Me”—who ate nothing but McDonald’s fast food for an entire month—I have not developed any abnormal disorders or expelled ample amounts of vomit upon eating the delicious food known simply as “(lapsha) doshirak.” To no surprise, I got a clean bill of health from Paul during the one-year checkup. As Hot Rob has quoted me saying before, I will carry packages of ramen to the ends of the earth if need be (i.e. Beijing). That was done intentionally. Ramen is that important to my well-being. Is this a good habit? Probably not. As you can see for yourself, I have accumulated many labels from all the ramens I’ve consumed in Mongolia—sixty-four at last count. This isn’t even all of them, as some labels had to be sacrificed to the fire gods (aka my stove, for starting fires when it’s freezing). I have not shriveled to a desiccated form from the flavorings of my treasured ramen yet. Tempter of the fates? Of course, I also eat regular food on occasion. One cannot survive on ramen alone, or so it would seem. Still, I’ve developed something of an addiction for the stuff. The PCMO’s would probably freak if they knew that ramen was an integral part of my food pyramid; call it my base, if you will. It’s just so tasty and full of goodness with every spicy mouthful! Sure, some people many get sick of eating the same flavored ramen (In the case of Mongolia, that’d be beef) day in and day out. Not me. You can add a fried egg to the mix if you want, but on last search, nary a chicken or its product were to be found for miles around my ger. It’s doshirak—straight up—for me! -Mikey (Crack bottom glass chew) DISCLAIMER: The author of this article does not recommend/suggest this type of behavior to other PCVs. Not many people can stomach the tasty goodness on a prolonged basis such as he.

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