Sexyouality

Monogamy - the ideathat thereshouldonly b. ona p.raonwlth whoit yorl havesexualrelations- is wid€lyheldto b€ not only normrl |nd n|t!d, but .ho an ideal.And yet it's a lifestylcf€w of ur rctorll/ llvr out,

sexyouality

AlthouShmostof us attemptmonoSamy, most of u3 h.va to datl wlth htld.lxy Superficially it mayseemlike monoSamy L a ief. optlon,but (latflt lor m.ry peopleiCsa denialof a vcry roalpon of ur, Likeanothersupposedl/normalandnaturalideal,th. nucl.rr ltnlllt ol orurr rli,l andtwo kids,iCsnot what mostof us actuallydo,nor r..mln8lywh.t oloarol rrr truly want or need.AlthouShmost of us will marry,r.c.ni t.o.||(lorlr hrv. cometo accepta div€rsityin familylife,andjudg€mcntrlld. ol p.opl.'llvl l r,l sin'havinS'illegitimate'and 'bas6rd'childr€nar€ now hu8h.blyr|lr(hro lrrlr But monoSamy behaving as ifyou're practklnSto b. mrrrlad " rr r - essentially supremeidealis intact.Thosewho live outsideof lt ar. i..n .! r.llLh, fid ohFli a$ €heats'.And yet most of us are not monoSamoui. at l.rrt rt tom. tlrnt sexyouolity challenges not monoSamy asthe relotlonjhlp, bur rr ||r ldrnl rr i b,ueprintHavingunattainable or unsuitable Soalicanonly cv.r dhtppo[rt r'rl frustrate,andnot only dis'?ct from honestinteracdonbut ncdvalydhcoo,!16lr So,what if we wer€ to be non"monoSamous; not s€crGtly of lLrrdvrly,ttur .ri i wilfulchoiceakinto thosewho liveoutsideth6 ld.al of rllrrfl.l.l What Droblems would be solvedlWhat Droblems wouldb. cr. .df Ho\r .orli, we dealwith theml And wouldwe hooestlybe likelyto b. rny hrppl.ri Drawingon a w€althof diversecontemporary writinSIn c$.yr, l.t(.rr, rlrls\ andbooksfrom Britain,Europeandthe USAover the lart 30 y.rrt, rnd b.y()rrl into the poetryof KahlilGibranandre€ordof non-monoSrmour llvlnSln Victoriantimes,this pamphletraisesthesequestionsandoff.rr romr rnrwnrr

i s bn095299753 3

challenging the culture of monogamy

CONTENTS 5. A Ptoce To Stort > He ck 'lf. See how lt ott connects > Ogdn Nisorg 12. Sexgo@titu > The Oodhdven Coolectlye 14.A tetter from the Oodhoven Coolective 21.ComesThe Down 22. Sex ls Not The ImportontThlng > MlchoelAluno 24. Folthfut To j4on9 > Kdte Severson 25. Sex fs For Bonding > Dr Deborch Anapol 28. The 'S' Word> lrrl 50. MedftotionsOn ,eotousg > Nlchoel Aluna 53. TowordsA New Culture > Dr Dleter Duhm 44. CommunolSex Lib > Ogon Nlsorg 49. The Potitics Of Potg Love > lomes Heddle 50. Sexuot CommunismA Success> gdn Abroms 54. Sex fn Ulooio > Azo Also 56. Love Relotlonshlps,,eotousg, Rerectlonond Llberotion > Adam arcgmdn 57. The Ontg Thing Thot Motters> OtufrUIm 58. Morrloge > Kohlil OJUon

It

A Place To StuFt...

sexyoaality was eventuallypublishedby Godhavenlrk, 1999ce. Cornpiledandeditedby M€rrick. The aulhor assedshis hurnanrights. isbn0952997533 Godhav€nInk, RootedMedia, The CardiganCentre, 145-149CardiganRoad, L€eds, LS6 lLJ, Ensland.

www.godhaven.org.uk c odhav enln I p rb l i c a ti o rs rre p .i n te d o o r ecycl edp!per. This pMphlet wd crealedat Oblong ResourceCenbe,,lth [email protected] Mills, 322Medwood Road,Leeds,LS7 2HY,Engl&d. G odlav er hk p u b l i c a l i o n si .e ttrti -c o p y ri gbt. HelpyouBelfio anyor all of it. In this panphletloadsofit\ nickeddyway.

Bmks ffe sold ro conlilid Inc objc.! *ho !h8ll. b! wy ofhdc or .rheNis. b€ lei. Eaold hiftd our or o$eRF onblled rilhout tno ! nmns Ihli n bi.dms. wirh a simnd coddnion b.ing inpovd on 1nesublequ.n. rb@cIs dea4 i. a namer thar is mi pddy .oincidcd.l

Th€ idea fo. doing this tn€ came after a To bave an id@ of what your rclalions *ilb group discussion at the Earth Firsll someon€should b€ before you've even mel Cathering in Scotland i. summer 97. them ca. only eler be reslricrivc and Although only irgged on to the biU as a last repressive. tf\e continuewith p.eselrules minute thing, the workshop got one of the and rolos we deny individualibrand push larg€st discussiongroups of the whole alay great partnels. We nusr get the garhe.i.g.lt seemslike it wasa new idea|l) couraSeto face our hearts,md to nake ou most of us 10 discuss sexLralityand lives as close1()olr real des;es6 we can. monogmy issuesoulsideof We should be able to le1 sexualityissues each o1he. b€ the mos! we sn immediate circle of friends.It aho seemsrhat haveonly been can be, to cel€brate one rbe ideas. problens and irnothe., to rvork th.ouSh talked about in concemsinvolvedarebeing good ad bad times logether. faced by nost of us. at le6t But it shouldalwayxbe as small groups.If periodically. The Creen orl.reber. ralhef than sone communirymakesapoint of we're all drirg' this prcdecidedbDt unexplained questioring so man] of the stuff, then surely idea .hat someoneelse has Lr.questiored things that of whatthey'd like us to be. we should be damage us. yet sexuality issu€sha!€ only beentalked questioning these It is not the Pldriorrr?s of about in small groups. If monogamyI'm against,it\ we'.e all /oi,8 fth stufi, thingsas a culture. the inttitution - th. ;d@ ri^t then surely we should be the$ &r€ 'Ihe Rules for qrcrlrbrtra thesethingsas a culrure. sexuallore. Thaiifyou donldolhk you a.e bad o. a failure. lf you re a man you're The prmise I put foNaid at the EFI dd p.ovrng a point wirh an l-shag-loads{fBig Green galhe.ings,and continue to do in birdsne attitude,and ifyouie a {oman it\ this in this zins, is lhnl for most people sorne low self-wonh thing. Actlally. low monogamyis a damaSingard repressile sclf-wo.th leads to complisnce with other peoplet ideasthal donl work fo. you: the lray to live. Tharalthoughit has I Mills & Boony vercer, i! realit) il has little to do blindacceltanceofthe monosahousnod€l with romancedd lo!e. and far moreto do of rclariodships can steft frorn a fcar of th inse.uriryed ownership. being op€nand hoftst aboul feelingsand an i.abiliry !o sumnon the strengn to make And more dlan thjs. the real p.oblem is thal it is heldupas anodel, a blueprinlfor whal all sexul rclaiionsn6r be. lfyou wantto We'!e got a toial lack of cultureJlEfercnce live outsideofthis, you'restrangeor wrcng, for this, it's somethingnol dealt th in ih€ and ifyou do live outsideoflhisthenyot]'ve films and love sonssand dmma(unlessit's .eally n€gative Fatal Aflmction stuff). No *onder it feelslik€ we'r€ stumblinginto a

_v dark abls. But if )ou 1o focl like it's headjngtowards somethingdore honesr and1rue.i1\whereyou nustgo. And sorhis pamphletis here10showyou'renol the llrsl

eas alsoGyanNisarg', article"Communal Sex-Lib' (nom Towaftls2012 issF 3). which deals \ith non-monogamyhsues, exanples of communlties,and his own experionces. Because ofthe big response a1 the dhcusions.I thoLrghl I'd pui rog€lhera smallzine ofthoselieces, bur I gol lenl so much relevantstull o!e. rhe summerthal I'!e ext€ndedit 10this.

I do.\ a8reewith 3ll of the stuff he.e indecdsomepiecesdir€cllycontradicteach other - bul all of it has somefiinglalid ro say. And not just on monoSamy,or elen sexualit).but on ouraltitudes Somepeople say this is all If this is who we roo rhought-out and not to aU human .elations. ln Diete. Duhm\ "lbwdds A are, why don't we rcmanuc - on tne contEry New Culture he !ays. hafloSahf ts t nas\et ptan. a 'considcringour true wishes try to find waysto rule book, a mould io push ud longings.our dail! lives be happy with it? youB el f i nl o. I' n tal ki ng are prettv ridiculous,' ud about lhe courag€ and this applies not just to the majorily who freedom io abandon Masler Plans, and ieign monogmy, but to all of us in man)' instead1o huly follo{ }our heart,1o l€t bejngtosethcrbe bis, decp,wild, friendl),. te.de! lhateler it tums in!o. Iti a volage To honestlylive oulsidemorcgady is ro of discovery- of the other personand ol slcp inlo the unknosn, bur 1o me it feels youi own heart and of ilhar you find truerto the humanspirit.I can neverknow together.Now rrdri romance.Lovewithout where it\ leading.bu1 then monogamy doesnl /eall/ otrer that eilher I'm suretha! on thcir wcddingday, rone of ihe 40% of AllhoughI mightnot ag.eepith everysord couplessho cnd up g€lting divorcedde inthis pamphlerit\ allstuilthafs mademe p/arrtra for it to go that w.y. lhink, shownme $ays to look at things.or put into *ords things I fecl. Thk isn't A Fo. anyone{ho h$ even Book Of Answers,it onl! an inkling that maybe addresses \ha1 is clearly Weneedlo move monogamyisn't tbe id€al an rssue thal causes there\ some useful and beyondthe selfishness problemsfbr most people trulhtul stuff in here. For (at leas1at some tide). and the needfor those who do think ttsecufiUt' and ofering and start to differenl ways to addres monog.dy's an ideal. you'll recoSdisemany of confront ow fear of whatis Boingon. lfthis is the problenrs idenlified in who we d/r, whydon'tre just how much we're rry heie, and maybe ir'll |o find wa)s to bc changeyour mindandheart bsppl with it? Whv a linle. should we continue to subscribe io codesofbebaviou.thatdamage For lhe discussions lastsunrme..l'drciead us far more than the behaviour thcy prohibit?$1'y can'l we be honestfor a a couple of things.'Ihere sas the article ''scxyouality"lhat I hclp€dto write tor the cbangelIfwe areto d.i this,this pamphleth Codhav.nThc Third zine,thena letierlhat hereto suggenissucsand ideasio conside. clnrc in rcsponsc. dd thenour repl):There as a place to start. lt is nol he.e to rell ]'ou

capable otr,

hos to live. It's lere to ger ,vouto thinl abou!rt.

breakinga promise?llow incrediblyunfair and wast€ful it is to sh&e a palod, incomplctc vcBion of each othcr b) blockinS cenain feelings. of courserhe To blindly lollow unquestioned rules is to teelinSs of those ound you nust be reinforcelhen.In eleryrhingwe do thereis a choice.If I am to do an)lhing, lel it b€ consid€red and caredfor. And conipronise Aware of its in rhis is inevitable; in mosi personai because I a'n 4'r,". consequences.implicariods, neanings. natters we re pulled in diftnrentdirectiors at once.But I do seeclearlythat jealousy effecls and possibililies.I donl tbink il\ unreasonable to expecrrhatotell adulls. and insecuriry,wbiht being very deepsealedand !er! rcal, are both unhelpful and Ratheriha.lry ro fit in witb a realityrhat is surmountable. With compassion and undeBtandingpeople can help heal erch not only not of ou. choosinS.but a realiry olher of this srlfi fia1 doesnl sork. thal If In the sep sted, makesus sufie., $e should so'neoneis fiee to say ard crcdte at aen. \re shotld lho ftey are. tben isolatedlives we're be there can be love. but live as we think we should given we cling lo any feelinSs cannol be live. Gile the things fiat repressus no ohoiceother manufaotured for

intimacy allowed or given lo us. Of course not pr oclaim ing Thi s i s there'sinsecarityand some socialpanacea.l'm not adlen;ing a new rule lob, self-wofih and book that $ill make the lh eir result, j ealousy. world great if only olcryone lvould follo* ir. lle' ve been br utalised, I am no1 jusr s$apping il's nol ow faull. churches.l'm sayinglhal

there tre ,, universal models to live up to. '|No.-monogmy! refers to an jnfrnite lariel"v of types of .elationship. The.eare,.) Finrl Ans*ers.no or.{ize-fi1vdll blueprints for human relations.I don't advocatechmging cages, brt disnuntling rhen. Abancloni g rhe churches.AbaDdoninsmonogamyis not selfish, il\ about openinEup md bcing honeirabouryouBelf so thar it3 a liue self ihat youle sh.rin8. We need to move beyoDdthe selfishnessand tbe need for 'securiry" and slart to confront ou fcar of jusr hos muchwc'rc capablcol The "securilr" is a marerialsecuril,, ii's making someoneto prom;e to be there wbether tbe,r warr to or not. $1ai real securiry'is b$ed o! ! fear ofthe ha$le of

cannct be pro'nised or

Bl analysingall this.I ge1 loid that I'ln being too ralional.that l m tryingto be all mechanical and ob.jectir e aboutstufflhat\ way olt of ou. control.I know rnostoflhesethjng! ee out of our control!but I m nol$eckjng10 coturol,I donl want to sc;enrificall)decide shoto love.But I dothi,rkth€r€arepanerns lo observe,th€r€areleveh ofundentandirg wc cm hale (ofou.selvesand othert that can help 'rs steerour liles in waysthat are bcttcr for us There are inanf lypes of behaviour thal are denruclile aDd are diftjcuttto gel freeo1l ln this subject.I think ofjealousy,ofa nonspecificleelingof incompleleness for being sinSle.andofinsecurit)in ils rnanyfoms. I think n is essentialto ou. *€lfb€in8 ool to acceptlheseas a inevitable,irnmovable basis ftal we start from. These deslructile traitsand hang-upsar; thercto be voftad ah. wo*ed thmugh. ll might not seem

panicularlyeasy or even possible,but in r€ality drere is only one way to make changing pemar€ntly somelhing inpossibie, dd thais to give $p rrying.

Tlte accusationof selfishnesscomes when people imagine themselv€sas they are now, with all th€ acquisitiveand fearimpuls€s,in a position of greate. sexMl f.eedom. But That\ not l,osaythesethings won:t comeup I'm talkj.S abourlosing such as tine a.d agaiq they will. But maybewe (ard because)we ger the increase 'npulses of should ty to dismanll. freedom. As we los€ the This isn't just them,diminishdtem,.,re nbsolutist'with ne/nol them. rather than be ruled wiih me' roles and stan 'reducingeverJthing lo see lbat Just cos to sex' - sexual someon€'s not totally Jealousyis nor a problem, relationsar€ about rs eeilh me il doesn't mean it is a slnpton af they'veleft me,I canlos€ ^ intimate as we get, if some of the fear of problemiinsecurity. ln the separated.isolated liv€s we don't getthat right, abandonftenl ard rh€ we're given we cling to needto havesucha tight be really ourselves reign on them. Grealer any intimlcy allowed or given 10 us. Of course there,then what hope sexual fre€dorn needs, ih€re'sinsecurilyaDdlow means and nurtues self-worthandtheirresult, for anything elsewe greater respect fot jealousy. vr'e've been do? But more than bruralised, it's not our this, the whole of our Thjs isn't just 'reducing fault. Don't be ahmed. Lett not be embanass€d seYualilyhas been everything to sex' about what we've com. sexualrelalions are aboul reducedto just sex. as inlimateas we get, if ftoln, let's just make the fttur. better. One of the w€ don\ getthatright,b€ thinss I really like in Gyan Nisa.g\ arricle really ourselves ihere, then shat hope for is the way jt conaains not just a $eallh of anlthing els€ we do? Bur more thu this, the study and thoughl, but also a hefiy end whol€ of ou r€rldlry has be€n reducedto just sex.All this en€rgyhasbeensqueezed section of cmdid and honest pe.sonal experi€nce;there'sno point in Bloriously into one .cliviry. No wonder it: all so volatile.The energl'ofsexualiryis not just theorisingabout ulopian schenes if we don t put ourselves.lith all our failings and about sq{ (to prove this, seehow possessive half-measures,ido the picture. sexualjealousycd be provokedby nonsexul &lions like spendingtoo much time The olher thing that g€ts levelled at nonwith frie.ds or oh a pastime).To get ftee of monogMy is thatil is shalloq supe.ficial.a rnonogemyencouragesope selfish easyshaga.d lhen run away wher il in our lives. ln$€ad of having ev€lyone cldsed aseither Lover or Not Lover. $ e can s€ts difiicrllt. This is actually th€ basis of a iot of se.ial nonoSmy (Fnich, wben you explo'eall kindsof stufi in between. We can think abouti! h etually serial!oly8a6y: lem how to be intimat€without \{oning n's having many partners,just separating aboutit seemtngljke makingpasses. Wecan gel tactile without fear or awkwardness. themwith time).I don't seenon-nonogany as a way of avoidins rcsponsibilit. t see it Eve. in our monoganously-condirioned as a rejection of ra,ttua,f togetheDessand laking pcople for grdted. cultu.e,mostpeopledof,'t actuallt practice

':

nonogamy. Most People have had clandesaine bits-on'the-side. se.ial monogany (sequential Pobgamy) is the nom, and .ea.t hdf of maniagesend in divorce. If this is what we &e actually doing. surely we should face up to it, and surely we could organiseit so that € can be ' nore ho.esl and haPpy. Surely wo ca. do betier, surcly we dewe lo re3t ouBelves

why do we pretendthet it shouldn't be lik€

Deceit is the only interp€rsonal crirne lo deceive,to breaktrust, to lie. to nanipulate.

I don't wet p€opleto deny* hatis cleArlya strong. sparklins. powerlul, REAL cos it rogn€tic thing cos it's inconvenient, doesn'tfil in with someoneelse'sneuroses. I'mnotsayins live on impulses.lamsaying until we are honest abou! who we are and which I an agaiust sex-as-commodiFJ, what we feel. we tre not means I dislike thal is loveable. truly ouBelves, $e a.e Everybody m@hanical, disresp€clftrl ,ha8-a-many-avyotr-can It is not unlikcl! that living lives of wilful But thing. everybodyrriu Jind commodityis the bas'sof monogafty:it says"This morc lhan onepefson I doh'tjust want lieedom to be with orher lovers, I h a binding conlract promising how we will loveable,So why do we *anl my other lovers to be wi$ me by iiee b€have.o matle. how le prctendthal it choice.lfl am to be witb feel". Inst€ad I say not like that? softebody for a lol of be shouldn't give or take, but rrdl.. time at an intimate level, I have no And cele,.drel it musl be cos we vrrr it to be so. Even rule book to live by. but this do€sn't meanI when I love soneone deeply and can only iave no rnorality. In fact, I find being non' &ho when we're apari and get huf and incresesmy respo.sibilityl monogamous dgry and jealous when they're with find lhat I mate the €fron to undeNrandand the someoneeLse.I would.'t ha!€ il any other long aller b€ with soineon€ way. This isn't cos I'm sorne monoganous rules would lell me to "dump 'nartyf masochisi, bxt cos if that\ Ihat my lovor if what rnakes ihem needs to do, that's wh then that i3 happiesi. nore treru?fu?r tith I can still be intimstely invohed to do that. do. lf I don't want then lhey must of us really eithcr or both teopl€ when then I don't wanl rren, I want somestunted, souldn't be up for a "going out wilh' ampulated version of them that doesn't thing.This isn'tjtislaboutsex monogamous €xis( I'm with th€ wrong person. wifi them, it's .boul all the inlime! thet commuicatio. comes with it, the depth of And I find I .a, move lbrcugi tlte jealousy 6nd personal peac€and lovely cuddly stuff a.d other deslruclive thinSs.lt's nol withoui thar is differeni wjth dy different se1 of pain, but I'm not afraid of s/o,rra pains. people. I don't expect dyone to be It's rhe pain of my horizoru getting bigger ervrything to m€l they could only ever of my love clowins. Leaming is s€ldom love what disappoint-I believe that I should Esent whal they're mther than son€on€ is, isn'telerytling som€thing ,or Justbecauso Thiiling 'thjs makesmejealous or insecure doesn't mean it's nothing. Everybody is so lh€refore it is bad and must be avoid€d" lov€able.ll is not onl;kelylhat everybody doesn't help us st all. Su.ely the real job is penon lov€&ble. So will find more than one

I

r

T to co,y'o,r the jealousy and insecuities, to find out $hat\ causi.gth€m a.d sei about trying to overcomeftem.

causesof it all. Lefs actuall' JAce it. rolt about il. We havelo seewherc we rcally d/e betbre we car be co!fident aboxt where we can 80. We .d, nake this work.

Iosleadoftcllinsmy lovertharI f€eljealous o. angry so they must chmge, I ask for th€ir h€lp. I say I don't like whafs going on. I don't wantto denyyou your fulfilment.but neither car I d€n) what I feel. Can we solve this?Will)ou helpto healrne?

The timesit h6 reauyr€allyhud is whena lover goesofrwith son€onewho h clearly a dickhead.Bur I know dat I've done simile thingsand the only way 10leamthe lessonlras to live though it- It's her life, and if she .eall]. lhinks she's happi€r spendins ajl her lih€ with If we care about Mr Potato Head, well il's or her beinS with me eachother th€n ihat wishingshe were wirh him

Since ereryore has had these feelings, your lover will know what r'.ou're talking about. You fe€l these thingscosyou /or" then, so we're here to help why do sonething that e&chother to be the Having a lover who's otr pushes th€m away from you? lf it's worth getling bestwe can, the with other peopl€usedto do hun ove., it\ worth head in, bur thesedats I mosttrue, the most ny underst3nding.So we nusl find sonetim.s there ce be stop fliDchins from pain and honest,most real, joy in il. It canbe wonderful hav€ thc cou.a8e to heal seesomeoneI lovebeing mosl outselveswe to rather than so happyand exciled,and I symptoms. By neithe. can be. love the gossipy talks- i rejecting .h€m fo. their have a love loo strong to be jeopardisedso easily. And though I still get nisdeednor denyingyour true feelings.but d€alins with it as pstuers in the healins and caughtout by thesethin8s occasionally, I leaning prccess,you often come out of jr trust myselt. ny lovers ond rn! fii€nds stronger, siser and more together as enoughto knoF jl'llall b€ OK. Ifwe care individuals dd as a couple. And if it rcally about each other ihen !ve1e bere to help is "all over", then dealing alsolutely each olh€r to be dre best we can, the most honestly.Bith love insteadof blm€. means true, the mo$ honest, most real, most you don't los. the niend. Yes, there can be emotjonal imbalance, "they quite like me bui I'm absoluleiyin love wilh them", bul these da happenjn nonogamyaswell. wejust ptetedrhey te more or less than lhey rcally are so il fits Th€ Rules.Theseproblemse ce.tainlynot jusr ihe preseNeofthe 'cheats'andthenonmonganous. Messeslike ilh affe.t anyon€ who'severfallenfor someone.Ih€ question isd't oneofavoidingmesses at a1lcosls,but one of dealing wilh ne$ in a wa-v-. thatt based on r€alit] and p.ogression of ow spirit, rather the mainlaining the neurotic

Oursehes and eachother is all we have, we have to do the be.t w€ can. So we have to think, obs€re md undelstard if Be ar€ to mov€foNa.ds. Chwards....

See How It AII Connects? by GyonNbore It is becomingv€ry apparentthat our ebus€of the earthandour abuseof each other are but two sidesofthe samecoin.Ther€is a needfor everyone of us to with eachother ofour deepconnections openour heansandb€com€conscious model is serial The current - lot5of environmenr andt}l€ Dhysical Polygamy frlls in lovewith partnerssplit up by lineartime.whensomeonein a relationshiP presentedare usuallyto be dishon€standfucktiem on th€ another,the alternatives by choosinton€ over the other. caule an equal amountof self-denial side,or to Therear€ more choices;as manyasyou canimagineandthen som€.I know I love with more thanone mor€tian on€ person.I knowthat to be sexuallyinvolYed hon€statmosPh€reThisain't personwouldonly be possiblefor me in a comPletely canb€ painfre€ andnor is monoSamy - or lifefor that matter'I tnow monoSamy very painful,not to mentjonlimitinS.andl'd Prefermy odd bit of anguish accompani€d by freedom,tiankyouvery muth means non-monogamy necessarily Seehow it all €onnectslTo choos€responsible possession of a p€rsonasproPertysexualand tacklingatlrhose'difllcuh"issues: forc€s a needto uncov€randundersttndthosemotivatinS emotionaldis/bon€sty, of unquestioned insteadof beingsomedumbdocil€sheepto the shePherd PreHow eh€ eliminatealienation' proSrammed monlit/. Liv€your desir€s.R€sPonsibly anda anddestructionexceptthrouShlov€,ac€ePtance sadism.narrowmind€dness understanding? fiercedesirefor com-passionate Pufting it to th€ t€st is up to You. You orewo.th it you cor do it andwe are not alone!

I speakfor is: fearof Somuchof the problemof the gEneration not knowlnghowto lov€or be lovedor nurtureor intimacy... hurting, withoutcontrollin&manipulating' encourage pervertlng.That'sthe growth proc€ss:to underuandyour psychoses enoughtme by yourself... andnelrosesby spending yourself. to knowyourself,andlove - Lvdlelrnch

10

T

by the godhaven coolectivo it as something thatwe takeor givea6 a commodity, ralherthanas the€ne€y thatcha.ges fom €ndlhroughus.

"Thef6 la nothing atlrty that two people can do, or elght people, ot one pefson. The only ditA thhg you can.loto a body is to hu,lit or k tft', - Lenny Bruce St OerekJarmansaid "under6land that sexualityis as wid6 a6 the sea". Thi6 can be magnifr€dinto our individual lves - understandthat your own sexualityis as wide as the sea. Think about iti almost everyoneyou know has enjoyed sex with a partnerand also solitary masturbation. Think aboul how different these experienc€sare, yet how we raadily accept lhem both as pleasurablesex. lf you can enjoy two such dispa.ate sexual acts, whatelse wouldyou like if onlyyou triedit?

V\henwe arestillbabieswe makean unspoken agre€m€nt wth our motherc and fathersnot lo touch ourselves "down thef6" in relurn for their conlinued love.As soonas we areable

Weare encouragedto view sex selftshly, as a gesture of conquestor the placing of restrictions, insteadof somethingthat we sharein mutual celebration

to touch our genilals, we're iold not to. lt's rude. lt's dirty. Nakednessis viewedas sexual. No matterwhat our individual upbringings, the Christianmoralityof our society impinges upon out ves, ancl out sexualitycannothelpbut be twistedand inhibat€d by it.

And thisis a greattoolto be usedagainslus. lf we are frightenedto touch even our own bodie6, how can we bear lo reachout to olhers?lf we can be kept confusedand unsure about our own selves then we are doprived of the confdenceto sharethat selfwith those aroundus. We are keptisolaied,alone, and ih6€by easierlo contrcl.

Sex is buried under mountiains of tabooandembarrassm€nt that are e66entiallythe r6sidue of c€nluries (in particularthe 19th) of Christianindoctrination. This burialis a tool of contol. \ & are encouraged to view sex belfshly, as a gesture of conquestor the placingol rcstrictions, insteadof somefhiflgthat w€ shar€ In And so we detach. As Christianit's mutualcelebration. Vve'remadeto treat inlluencebeginsto wane, peoplehave what you cau clecadentis the counge to expqiqce ,tt ot ttte - Anais Nin

t2.

shownthatlheywantio hearandtalk to aboutsexmoreopenly,ln Gsponse thiswearegiv6n'\i/omens" magazines, sexmagsandmanualsto telluswhatis \Men, on The "normal"and "correct". N6ws,we are given 6ight hoursof (caretullyvetted) Gulf War footage every day,we thinkwe know the whole story Our Need To Know is appeased.In the same way, our being given hundreds of surveys on Vlhal l\ren Really l hnt In Bedmakesus think we are being grven our sexuai liberation.They refer lo our "sex life", isolating it as a compartment. A hol;day. You are allowedto havea "sexlife"as longas it doesn'taffectthe rcst of your life. As lonoas it's not partof reallife lf it does seep out then it is portrayed as dangerous.,..the wild passians, drawingus downto our doam...

usual perception;scratchingor biting can change from b€ing painful into a gloriousand intensepl€asure,a slight tolrchor breathcan changefom being barelv noticeable to exouisite and exaltingrushesof seismicproportiqns. lt is the testimony of magjc, :i glimpse of living perfection, a communication with a principalpillar of the spkit. Queston, think, expariment. Whose rulesareyou l;vingby?

Sex is st ,, the only time we get out of controlthat cannot be legislatedagainst. And so, instead,we are made to feel inadequateabout To inhibit your sexualityis lo inhibit and even hateour your spiritualiiy. ln own bodiesso that laking controlof your you take we police ourserves. sexuality, controlof yourseli

who cannot lov6 herself cannotlove anybody who ia ashamed of her body is ashamed of all life who linds dirt and filth ih her body is ,osl who cannot rcspect the gifts given even b€fore birth can never fesPect anything fully

Sex is still the only lime we get out of control that cannot be legislated against.And so instead,we are made lo feel inadeqlateaboutand even hate our own bodies so that we police

- ancientsongof tE salishwonen

Yoursexualenergyis ond ofyour most powedulforces,Goodsex b one oflhe iew thingsthat take you into realising how good you can iael withifiyourself. Our pefceptionsare altered,sensual experiencesare tadicallydifferentand can even becomethe opposileof theh

ttom GodhavenThe fhitd zine publishsd by Godhaven Ink,1995.

I thlnh that a soclety whtch condon$ vaginal deodonnt is a soclety In rcal tduble - John P@!

i3

T This letter is the reply by Godhavencoolectiveto a lelter complaining(primarily) about the ,sex/arality' article from the . GodhavenThe Third zine. My dearSteve,

The po;nl the article was making (the nain one. anyway) is wider - thal Thanls for writing to us. Sory it's ralen s€xualityis ,?o,'ethansex,i1 is oneofthe a f€w weeksto reply. but we wanted 10 main lbrces of our spirirual being, discussthis betweenthe four ofus befole aliecting far more than jusl our senal writing back to you. Alrhough we behaviour.Irut becauseof all lhe taboo ouNelves se€ nmerous firults in the and embarrassmentthal assorted Godhavenzine tdlog/, by and large we religions (in our casechdstianity) have feel that it worked - i. go! the heap€d upon sex. we have feelings and ideas OUT The lessthat we had our sexualiry $ifled so THERE for rl5, and we'v€ know aral thal it becomes stunled or hada lot ofposiliv€response mutated,like sprayingpoison understand to it. Suchlhings are nice. but about ourselves, on the flowers of a plant can a constructive criticising the lessw€ can kill it right down to its piece is always more usefi . It's a shame,then, that your loveofourselves criticisns arc endrely based and the less.'e What we're encouraging is on invalid presuppositions can truly give of that peoplerecognisethis and and/or mis0derstandings of be€om€more in touch with ourselves. what's rea14,going on inside. The less that we know and understand Your main beof is with the 'se).Toualiry' about ourselves,lbe lesswe can love of piece, and its all€gedencouragemenlof ouselves and the lcss i}€ can tuly give s€lf-gm.i8ing junk sex wilh no thoughl ofowselv€s-rhis js ourpoint.andrhisis for a partners feelings. I don't kno{ also &e point being madein ih€ ancient whereyou got this ideafrom, at no point song of the salish women dla! we quote in the article do we advocateor condone at the end. We are ,ot being 'just like a this. You ask "what about all the sexual jeho\ah's witnesspointing rabidly at the conquestswhoselbelings arc ignorod".I texr in his bible" as you ufairly allegefind the use of the term "conquest" a JW (or any other .nemberof the holyparticularly disturbing- PLPASEre-read text religions) lakes lhe book as a moml the secondparagraphoflh€ anicle (and, code and moulds th€ir life around it, inde€d.lhe restofit whileyou'reat it), h declaring things to be the case only rubbish€s your criticisms and clearly b€causethe book saysso. We quote the advocatescaring, joyous s€x ("we ar€ salish women because the song encouraged!o view sex selfishly, as a eloquentlystatesa point that w€ arived g€stue of conquestor the placing of al indep€ndently. rcstrictions,insteadofsomethingthat we shar€in mutual celeblation"). So. sta(ing from yow mis€onceived(no pun intended)point of believing that we l4

ihis is the O,\ZI way it tan be, and go are encouragingpeopleto hurttully use 1@ltrg for suchr€lationships.Thenthey othersas sone kind ofrnaslurbationaid, you've goneon to advocateone_lo-one try to make dfl, partnershipinro such a rclationship, which very often doesnot exclusives€xualrelationshipsasthe only work, and people end uP hurt and real way of having caring sex You've contused,ratherlike a toddlertryiig to but everyone. that \l€ should "love said ram a squarepeg in a slar shapedtol€ as its original whai I see sex for save andwonderingDhy it won't fit. (natural?) purpose - cementtngthal specialbond with onc person" I hateio I think pcople should tak€ a step back say this to you, but this really bcaays your having a christjan backgrcund. and lrirl aboutit all a bit more The key Single-partnet lifelong, exclusive, 1() it all is HONESry. Ir'e must be hones!with ourselvesabout what nakes relision-approved, us happy i'?d/t us. after relationships are the spirituality and and bullshit rhe doctrine(andmoreor less physicality'Politics, conditioningis cut away), rheinventiono0 theholysexuality,love,mind what makes us fulfil1ed. text religions, (allhoughI don't level all these ar and body - tbey're all We must groF to know you, I noie you made no ingredientsofthe same and love ourselves-As !\€ do so we can rrdru our reference to sexual whol€,and affect one love ith orhers,celer,"dte orienlalion or approval another,We must knot one anoth€r I'm not just ftom authorir-). what thesethings are lalking about sex here, As T says. sexualiiy is and ,ore it beforewe I'm talkingthewholeselll this realisation As "worth explodng wi*tou1 can sharethem emerges, one becomes rhe handed-downtbars, properly - how can you aware thar ali these paranoias and hang-ups you don't of the pasr few millennia giv€ a gift if sepam(edthings are really know what it is or if of palriarchal fuck-up onei spirituaiiry and culiure.Exclusivesingle" you don't think it's politics, pbysicaiity. partnerrelatioDshipshave desirable? sexualily, lo\€, mind and beenpound€din1ous, bul body- they'reallingedientsofthe same are, by all psychologicalevidencenot whole, and afiect one anolher.\lt must 'nalulal', and by all historical evidence izol' what thesethings Ne zttd low il not 'original"'. Human beings only beforewe cansharethem properly - how invented such relalionships {hen they can you give a gif. if you don't kno$ invented o$nership of pivate proPrty. what it is or if you don't think it's Beforc thal, people, land. water life, desirable? €veryfi ing wasjusi.lte,'e. Whenwe honesllyfaceoulsehes,we see hos much is bullshit or condilioning, just reflecting $hat has gone on around us, and \re can start to separatethat oul

Th;s is not to saylhat suchrelarionships are wrong or don't woik. Clearly they work very \\€11for some PeoPle.The problem we have ;s thar peoplefeel tha! 15

_______

hon a deeperscnseof sell:

pe.iods of time happily and honestly embeddedin suchrelationships.But they are rct the ,r/J way of peopleusings€x to express iheir love.

Beca:use no two peopleare the same,no relationshipbet\.een any rwo people is the sarne.So to come to a huge nun$er of relarionshipsand tsy to enJorceone Tl€re is a whole lot betweeneveryrhing particular behaviouralcode (such as and nothing; I have many peoplewho I monogamy)is ludicrous.If peopleya,/ call my friend, ranging from p€ople to do that with one another,fine. But ir whosesumameandaddressI don'r know seemsto me that a greal many p€ople throughto somepeopleI would gladly drrl They'U do ir because it's die for. I don't approachtiiendship with conditionedinto rhem, a singl€mouldof How As long as everyoneis and tlen either sian It Musl Be, I let it feelingresirictedor else being honest (in cl uding evolve at its o$n pace, go and stan sexual beinghonestabout and if it seemsgood reiations wilh another misgivingsor jealousies), then things conlinue person clandestinely and deepen. I don't then what happens (most customers of make any promises of prostitules are married befweedconsentingadults being togeth€r forevet is up to them. men).This is clearlynor wejust know that we're healthy.Ir is dishonestto dere because ii's $orth the pemon who still thinlc they're the iaandlookslik€ it will continue1obe so "oirly one", andthe otherpanneris being for somelime to come. dishonest vith thensel\)es by p€rp€tuatinga relationshipwhose temls I don't set anyj€alousy fiom any lriend they clea:lydonl believein. becaus€I spendtime with someone€lse, they understandthat it is inpossible for The solutionis HONESTY llave the onepersonto b€ the whole world for me, courageto be rcall) honestwith vou.rself and know that f still love them and am and the p€ople around you aboul who rhere for thern continuously.So ;t is the you are and what you need, ard once samewith the ftiends who I havesexual that's established then work on being relations with. As long as everyoneis together.To pretendrhat you don't feel being honest (including bein' honest or believein stulTwhenyou do redly (or aboul misgivingsor jealousics).rhen thal you dd when you do, r really) will $'hat happensbetEeenconsendngadulls only cause problems in other patu of is up to them. Therc may w€ll come a your life. lf you push the pressuredown nme agsin when someoneis in my life from above,i1'll start warpine the sides. who is so captivaringI don'l even think So,from the slan, honestyis boththe key about sexual stuff with someoneelse. I may be in the early stagesof thal right now. As long asthat\ what's bestfor me And I say again, this is against and that pe|son. all would be dandy. 'lot can be monogamousrelationships,they Sucha setup mayweli be yourpersonal glorious. I myself ha\,e spent long pref€rence,but unde$tandthat ,o,r 16

"goddann i1,we've gor to be kind", then an almighry YES! 10 you- But your comment,coming as it did at the end of a lelter appearinglo lay into us not otly for s1 R'we didn'1actuallysay.but using all kinds of nast) loadedteminology, well, we may have beena bit halsh and lite.al at first.

yefercnce is not a univrsal notal la'|. As LennyBrucesaid,theonly dirb thing you can do 10someoneis to hurt them. we know dlat superficially "liberaled" pomiscuous junk sex is just anodtr repression.Tha! is why we don't condone it. But ihere are other s€xual activitiesbesidesyour iwo optionsof single-pannerexclusive relationships and uncaringsclf-gralifying junt sex

You really shor dn't use such €motive nasty phrasing, (refening 1o us as "spouling about" and "going on abouf' stutr). It detracts fiom any real polnt you're making and winds people up. li seemsalmosl bizarle after the ncgative feNour ol your letter to have "geat mag anyhow - keep al it" at tbe end. You should kno} that Harper go1the lctter fiISt and proceededto spendar evenjng wliting back 1l) you. lt degeneratedinto note fonn and didn't get properlY finished. He has a severelydebilitating illness thal is exacelbatedby slress,bul he $'as so wound up by rhe completely misconstruedstuff and wholly wrong prcsupposiaions thar he had to \'e!itethere it didn't get properly then. As J saj', and it is a bir lan!, bul and some of tnished, "people nafier!' last word on the as a said was "people one thing Harper thing. more than things do mattor - I age€. rroer lbr matier more than my They you'll find thal bui I think instance people any withoul ihere wouldn't ,r' here Hicks said'we're sex. ,^.sBill lucking!'". someone's b€en

Your assertionthat "people ndiler, ffi1 things, or sex" is a trifle odd. Peopledo indeed matt€r, bltt the idea of people nirr.Jr, thjngs or sex?That gives us fte ctdstian heavenvision, the disembodied sphil stuf. Mind. body. spirir - they're all aspectsof rhe sane thing. IhE PERSON.As T says,"christianideasof heaveDand spnil s€rve to ali€nate la from our bodies,which are inshunents pain,feeliDg,sex andlove of pleasure, Loveyourbody.Loveyourself'. MaybeI've rakcnil all a bit too titemlly ' I hope what you meanis that we have to care abolrt one another,and noi get caughl in the bullshit of ownership, coisumerismand the kind moDey-status. of notch-on-the'bedposl,fuck-as-manyjunk sexthing lfthat people-as-you-can \\?s youi point-the yes, we're absolulcly widr you on it. As Harpersaid h d€r/sr pieceofthel.sr Godhavenzine. "your enemieswanl you to $ay in your hovel. drugsed and deadenedby iunl t\ & computer gamesi cold music ihat says nothing, stay home afraid of crime, aliaid of anything ard €verything differenl, unknown, never talking to strangers,never smiling at peoplein the shcet, caring only for money,& rrlrgs & yours.lf'. So you se€.if You mean

To say that \re should study quanturn physicsbefo.e"spoutingaboutenergy' is a bit sjlly. 1oo.Ir's probably a good lting forlor to havestudiedit, I havent and would like to knoE more, maYbe you could discussi1 with me. But to say we shouldn't rcfer 10energl is nodsense t7

- il implies not only that quantum physics underslandseverything that thereis 10know about ali things that we call energy,andthatthereis no otherway to underslandit, but atso that until one has an academicunderstandingol the workings of something,one camot llave a valid opinion of its tunc1ion.I'll deal with thesetwo ihings one at a time.

of snow 16 feet round, these peoplo know ,o1' they're doiDgit, but not in a measulable-bt-wes.em-science way. (Seethe "HeroesAnd Villains" article in Godhavenn).

Which brings me otr to the validity of us talking about ercrgy. I can ralk about sexual energy becauseI know what it feels like andwhat i1 is and what il does. "Scienceand lechnology How it does it, I've no It's somethiDgthat are the religions of lie idea. We all do this, you 20thc€ntury,no more,no bothersme a lot, our included.I've no idea less," says Ha4er He's sexistvocabulary.Ther€ io\, my body lakes right. Look at the role of are dozensof words for leutils and cakes and religion - to €xplain the pasta aild converts it "penis", each drive behind, pu.pose, into the energy that's function and future of appropriate to ditferetrt moving my fingerc as I things, and to engender ciicumstances, but very write this. I've no idea hope, ard you'l1 se€that few for "vagina", almost llov a video recorder in 20th century wes.em all ofwhich are childish, works, bur I canuseone perf€€tly well, I can t€ll cultule we look to derogatoryor clinicrl. the diference between science for this. Wtilst Little boysare taught one thar wo*s and one sciencewould appearto explain a lot of stutr, we th&t they havea "willy", thal doesn't, and I can can all agreethat the.e is whereaslittle girls are put a plug on one so il still more to discover. givenwords like can g€t the eleclricity il "front needs. No academic Thereforewe do, t know bottom" and "ioilet it ail. And sciencehasan understmdinga1all, but parts", if they .re eveD a functional knowledge odd kDackof disprovins givetrrdordsat all, ofits purposeandusage. itself when it finds new lt's the sarneahing. things tbat dor'i tally wiih the old underslanding.Copemicus and calileo's Fooflhat the eanh in fact tt perturbed us thal in lhe midst of goesmund th€ sun,tkough to quantm wriling about your misgivings with ou! physicsits€f, thereis a long tradiiion of allegod infercnc€sin the "sexyomlit" new understandingtotally defenestrating piece,you r€fenedto our "usingthe term cunt to d€m€aniryly describea woman's dle old. Don't believe scienseknows it vagina - speaksto me of crassnessand all. Ir's just rror€ knowledgeas we seeit at the momenl. Even then, there ar€ insensitivity - reference to comrnodity oiheG who uDderstandit difrerentl]'. again". The sexyoualit_article doeslrot There are p€ople who can will a glass use the word cunt anywh€ie. Ii does, ho*€ver, appearin the "Vague& Hasty acrossa roomto smashit on a wall, lhere Scrawlings On Censorship"piece, in a aremonksin Tibet who cadmel! a circle t8

disiinctions. The word "crlnf' has the ssmeroot as the word "cunning" andthe Scotlish"ken" (rneaning"to know"). and also the namcofthe Wiltshire,Eerkshire warerway the River Kennet. The root word means"the giver/preserverof life", and "sourceofwisdom". I like that.

paraeraphcokdenni g the urderhanded sexism of rape depiction in films, in a sentencecondemningthe idea of cunt as commodity.lt is not usedin a demeaning \ray, the conten is clearly and overlly enti-sexisl-Wllal you're really objecting to is not the a) it's used,bui its use at all. I1's somethingthat bothersme a lot, our sexist vocabularJ.There are dozens of words for "penis", €achapprop ateto diferent circumstances,b tlery few for "vagina", almost all of which are childish derogatory or clinical. Little boys are laught that th€y have a "willy", whereasli{le girls are gi1,enwords like "front botlom" and "toilet pans", ifthel are evengiven wordsal all. Men can15lk about theil dicks or nobs or cocks, but for women ,ll the choices have demeanirg ovcrlones - qurm, twat, snatchandso on. Ii boihersme too that a man who is a fool is dismisscd as a waiker or tosset a woman as a slag There are no common opposrte equivalents,andthey perpetuatethe idea of a manwho hasno sexis *rong, and a womanwho hasloadsis \!rong, this id€a of what you call "male sexualpredatory instinct" (thoughI disputethe useof the word instinct - this predalor & pley, victor & th€ vanquished idea is ,o. pandemicin hurnans).A nearequivalent of a male "slag" is $e (thanlfirlly ouf dated) word "stud", which has praise

lfwe don't haverhevocabulary,how can we talk aboul things? We can rcclattr thesewords. If they're rlsedby the amiopFessors, they are stripped of their oppressivepower - good exarnplesbeiry what's happenedin the last 10-15yeals wirn "nigger", and particularly "queer". Given the contextof lhe GodhavenziDe, the conlent of lhe c€nsorshiparticle, the poinl of ihe para$aph and ils bracketed suffix. we think that it is abundandy clear thal the useofthe word cuni is not demeaning.Other options were too clinicalor loo chiidish. This is a big point, though.Th€ language helps define the culture. lf we can discusstlings, we can sFead ideasand information, encouragethe things we discuss.In Englandwe baveno Bord for "zeitgeist" (meaning "the spirit of the age", morc or less). No wonder the Germanshave a Crltur'e Minister while the Brilish counterpart is a Heritage Minister - one looking at past, prese.t and tu1ure,the olher jusr ar rhe past, r€ally. By the sametoken, the Germans have no word for "subtle". The neare( one means "very fin€ly judged", not quite the sam€thing at all.

Setagainstthis, we neededa word to lrse. Cunt is rhe woid many of my female fiends use,andwe useit too. Weneedto /e.l.rtr this word. 11 wasn't originally obscene.Thesewords, including "tuck" and your own belov€d"bollox" (actually an &ciert word lbr "priesB'l \lewnade obscene in order 10 dralr class

I hope I'v€ clearedup yow concems.If yolr w&rt 10 meet uP and discussstuff, I'm inlo it. Let me krow. You c€rtainly causeda cufufile round l9

theseparts,f'articularly with your letier's home without Da Phonque.Much love fiIst recipientHarp€r,not becausewe've be upon you :rlways, been criticised, but b€causeso many of Mer[ick WV O'Phagus the allegdtions were conptetelyunttue. T Harper And that bit wh€re you redid the "adveltis€ment"cenhesFead- either PS: I've jllst showr my friend Kirsty you love fucking about with your your letter and she'smadetwo points; computer,or eise you were feeling l) Godhavenis not esp€cially "big on inordinately cruei rhat day. What we conspiracytheories"- but tap marks in were doing with that was expressing that departmentgo to our old chumsdre what r,!€ feel every advert is saying. I Catholic Chuch - buming witches, llate it when I'm warching Nonhem anyone?Excommunicalinghereticsuilo Exposureor something said ,thal maybe the equally wonderirl, ody "Why is non-mologamous eanh isn't the cenrreof to b€ a(acked wiih sexsupposedly vacuous?If &e universe? The SHUTUP! BUY THIS! I wontedvrcuoussexI'd centuries of the IT'S SMART!,whichis SpanishInquisition? go atrd get marriedl I'm what Papa & Nicole, 2) I'll give you her siudiouslynonHugh Laurie, Danny exact Dordq "Why is Baker and all the othen monogamousbecauseI non-monogamous sex are really saying. No don', want selfishor supposedly vacuous? lf wonder London vacuoussex!tl I wanted va€uous sex people deadens I'd go andgetmaniedl everywhere you go I'm studiously non-monogamous you'r€ reading adverts, and you can't becauseI do,l want selfish or vacuols choosenor ao.I s?s on a bus in Leicester the other week and they had an advertisingTV on it with speakersabove Love life. Be good."It's easy- all you every altemate seat! (TV is apparendy wone in other countries - ad breaks every 5 minutes and noneloo,subtle techniques,say folks who've been to Austmlia and the USA). But anyway,I found it odd whatyou addedro the pi€€e; "sl€ep around", "hav€ more varied and ftequentsex","havegood sex".Do I take it that you think having bad or dull sexis better? tlaying occarional, infrequenl andunimaginativesexis somehowgood for p€ople?lf anylhing, ihe advenisers encouragemarriageand siull - a nalion ofthe Oxo family is €asierto marketto-

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4J MlthaetAtuno

"ft b hlghly prcbable that taxuat actHty, Indeaat tha frcnottc vlth Pfeoccupatton tex th.t charrcterbes Wettatu culturc. b tn many caaet not tha expr€E,ilon ol lex|ral ,rteneaf et a , but hther a aaarch lor the ta s'.actlon ol the neeat lor a-on'5ct' - khlay Montagu

ot Lll€. Lol us oach move In the dlrectlon of that form of Inch3tv6, Intlmato lov6 whlch ls most approprlal€ for ler b6lng t.u€ to our36lvos and talthful to tlro.6 wlth whom we ar6 In a reladon3hlp. Moe63, lhough hs had l€d tha lsraolll.3 toi torly yoars through tha d6!€rt, waa hlmaolt only abla to roe the proml9od land, not cntor lL So, too, glven our pel3onal lasuoa, tomp6raments, and' llfe.elturlton3, aon€ of u3 nay be abla to envblon a panfalthfol comnunlty trlbellk€ wlthooi belhg ablo to tllly exporlanco tho 36xr|al dlinonCona of lt ouis€lvos, Ihaf3 O(. Wo can 3tltl cnntrlbuto o{r onorgl6a to the c.u3o. lho dooD ocolo4r appro.ch to llfa 15ior th6 tong ial|1.

Whllc love6 may naturally rolato mora d66ply and honartly than frlonds, eenLal aex k by no /',eaa|s,€c€3tary for Eenulno communltyl lnataeitl pregontly, glvsn tho rollgloui a|td cultlr.l anll-aoxual clndRlonhg |nost of t|3 oxporLncod growlng up, gsnttal oxpre3llona of trlondshlp wlthln communlg rnay bo cour*6rprodlctlve, at l€a3t Inltlally. lhe moat lmportant sl€rncnt In a[ Intlmato lov6 *filch lg Inclualve, rathcl ihan oxclu3lv€, 13 "lovhg physlcal touch" or ,'phFlca y aftsctlon.lo plea{ro", not gonllal Al Jln Oodge, a de6p ocologlst rnd atlmulailon, For meny peopls In oua blofoglonall3t 3ald, 'lloal ot th€ cultur€, thls wlll rroan glvlng a||d Peopl€ | talk wlth fG.l r{o hay6 a rocolvlng body ma36aEos, wlthoul flghtlng chance to stop onvtronm. al bolng genhally loxual o. erotlc, deatructlon wlthln tifty years and to turn tlia cult[r6 around whhln 800 to lllo3t of ||3 WostonoB tond to 3eo 3ox 1OO0 y€.rr. 'Flghtlng chance' 6a a aubdtanoe, aa aomo-thrng rvg do, translato! .a long oddB but good Wo feyo aox or ,reka lov6. And llks compaly, and blor€glonatbn 13 other B|,bitahc63, w! ars qulto oaslty obvlou3ly dlrect€d rl p€opb wtth a addlct6d to s€L Our 6xp6rlenca la llttlo gambl€ ln th6h blood. Slnce we radlcally allft€rotrl from th6 trlbal wont llve to 3€e tho .63!ib of thl! oxpedonco of !6xoal love aa a neltral hopod tor tramfornEtlon, w€ mlgft a3 6xpr6salon of oner3rolattomtl! to the wall start lt rlght, wlth th€ fln6.t land, tha c!fimunlty and th6 cosrno3, oxpr.3dom of aphh and style rvo can We n6€d to bo patlont wlth our3otvos, mu3tsr, koeplng In mlnd th6re ls onty a ard wlth 6aoh other, a3 wo look to th€ functlonal dlft€i6nce bstwo€n the futuro, truttln, ln tha ongclnJ plocee3 flowEi and the root, lhat 6$6nttatty

they are paa ot ths 3amoabldlng falth...lhe 3un stlll se3 ev6.y mornlng;DlgIn-' 'How wlll the men of tomo ot,, Ilve hls sexual ufe? wlII he have won Crcatet lnnet f'eoalom?WU he have destroyeattha tyanry of tlenttalIly and rcplactal lt by e morc atlsc'eta fotm of etottclF,rt,morc wldesprca4 more contnuntcatlre, petmeatlngall rclaflo|lAhlp6?" -Slarare Snook 'We ate hl€hly' pefiaP lrctlnctlve' - condltlonedto er@t€6sthe enediy CenltErv ance It becorne. 'soxual. But lrcm enother perspec've what we catl soxual energ ls icutaw a fioale of afrentlon. lf we fuee our attendon out ot the Eeoltaltmamlc anat romeln present fot enatgY, aofiel,lnr eke berlt'Eb happ?'n" /ltors, Rlchad 'Nurtu nE CotumunW' rclatlonthlps ete "Multlp.rtner lnherefitly moae compLx enal atemantlntl than monogat'|ousones' Contequenw, skength da v6 ltum ovarcomlncthe klnt,3 ol o,6tecl€5 ant ha.dahl!6 ptoneershave alweyx lacod. fhe chatlenec4'ot explo ng, nCwwats ol rclath€,ln{ma'fry a6 no l€ss demantlng than tho6c tac'd by the lnuepld explorcBwho taltaatovar the edgeof a suppo€edlyflat wotLl" - Dabo6h AnaDoI Ther6 ls a glreal r€od for domoBtlc ploneol3In our day- pooplowio aae wllllng io rbk €xplorlnS'nsw models ot nairlage, famlly and commtrnlty; n€w modols ot falthtul, lovlng

Inilnacy. Ths exlondgd tamlly, wlth ssvs.al gsnofatlon3 llvlng onder one roof, charact€ib€d Amorlcan 3ocl6ty untll early thl3 century, wh6n €conomlc change tolcod the cryctrllballon of iho nuclear famlly compila6d of 6 wlfG, hu3band and tholr chlldren. lh6 nuclear famlly, gon6.ally oonBlderedth6 baslc unlt ot Amedern tamlly llfe, ha3 b6cn tho flimly a3iablbh.d no]m for tho past fltty yeal3 or 30. l{ow lt, too, !€enrs to b€ pasdng lftb b to be encourag€d, a3 lt3 Bldo.ffecl3 aro a nlg!*n|are to. the planet, lhe bolated nocleat famlly nay bo tho lea3t .ultalnable, moat €xpenrlve and ecologllcally deatructlve form ot human 3oclal organballon that evel oxbt€d, We must craato sustalnabl€ communlll€3 or dle. lt la that slmplo. li s66rB llk6ly that nuclear famllles wlll coon co.oxbt wlth muftl"adult llvlng gtoup3, or Intentlonal exlended famllles, Such 'oxDanded ianlllos" ol 'Dods" wlll conslst of n6lworks of Intlmate ftl€nd3 who may oi may not llve togethel, and for who.n the gog3lblllty of .oxual Involvom€nt wlth €ach other ls opon. MonogahouS couDle+ a3 w€ll as tho6€ who choos€ to be cellbate, wlll happlly co-exlst wlthln thb codext. "If the potentlal fot oublde sexual hdmacy k ac.epbd W cllrptes w''o rcco6 tke the need ,or such lnput on ava et! of levets, then tfia prea3!rc bond beclttes tte rea, cament lor a - RoberaFtancaeur Fm P.ntd.rlty p.n 4 by l{lch..l Alui.i Gd' mg.|m hl 17, m ,r4 Sorln! 1994

E g

.r Faithful To Many

Sex ls For Bondingl lnplicathtns ol tle Unlonol saxan l splrtt to. Lota' atieto aN the ram / by Deloran M An4.t,

PhD. Dlreclor ol tne lnllltcl R@!re

C€r t€.

re'ationships in a way that is passionale

Althoughthercarc no accidents, I came to the pracliceof polytidelityby accident I met this womanunderOctoberskies. She told me fromlhe startthal she had anolherlover and that they were nonmonogamous.Myself having recently moved out of a long{em coupling,it seemedthe p€ifect plac€ lo just have a little fling beforegoing on to whoevermy next teal' loverwouldbe. And then we

There is an awakeningof spirit in the decisionio love as feely as possiblei. any givenmomentThis is not a version of monogamy wilh more than one pe|son.lt is the promiseto one'sselfio be present.The eadh makeslovelo us everyday.A kisswjtha slranger,holding hands with a friend, flirting, dancing, makinglove,all as the momeniallows.

From that beginning, lmoved into a painlul liberation. In place of my conditioned thoughts about love, inlimacy, romance and relaljonship,I now have a new way of b€ing in the world. The practice of polyfidelity has becomefor he a oeep ano ever expanding value system. Polyfldelity: Faithful to many... faithfulto all ny friends...laithfulto myself earlhwhichsuslainsme.

As ananyadventure, we learnas we go. Hitting up againstfear, leninggo olmy need'for some one other person to depend on, feeliflg angryat the depthol the social condilioning to own and be owned, lhe despairing at inadequacyof language -J to descdbewhat lam doing,feeling frustratedby my iflabilitios to love in the by way that I want.ThenI am comforled The issueof how manypeopleone has the wordsof MoniqueWltig: 'Iherc w8s a tme when you were not a slave, sexwithis a iacelolthis lfestyle,a facet that dfaws the most attention.Ihave rcnember that You walkedalane,full ot thisquestionas only laughler you bathell barebellied. You cometo undorstand th€ first layer of undoingconditioned nay have losl all ,ecollection of it, relationship .€sponses. Wthin this remember.you say there arc not words questionare severalolhers. b dscnbe it, you say it does not exist. But remenber Make an etforl Io \ryhoowns my body?\ryhatdoes it mean rcnembea or failingthat, invent.' to be sexual in diff€€nt contexts?\M]o madeup the rulesaboulhowmuchI can And so we mustinventthisnew"oldway sh6re with otherc?What are my own of being- ll is aboul being fully fullyablelo respondlo ,ife, rulesand how do I discoverlhsm in th€ ompowered, tullyfree. midst of so much social ch€ltef?And fullysexlal,tullyin connection, if eroticen€rgyis the are mosl irnporlantly, It is fromthis plscethat revolulions stufi of litu, ho,ncen I be presenlto all my

This is not a versionof monogamy with more than one person.

,1

S€r is ibf bonding Sd h ior comnllMg will spnir dd $ith ea.L oth€r and sensirSou ou social ?la.e in the whole of.reatior' lab.i. and our sPnitual udest nding dc tbrough 2000 urayelling bccause {. hiv. rnd should is sjntul thar se{ of t€a.hing )e&r b€ conllned to pro.reatit€ necessitJ i! a aU btrt nonogamou\ union de'tr,)ed $e porvennl ror.e *hosc pu.pos. is lo link us l{,geticr. Sexual expre$ion in Ddigflt$ cuitlr€s, sonctim€s in ritu .ont.{t, bolds lhc just t& mating Patr) (nor oup gr r.getie. It becones a dnisive force only wheo ue inpo"e hnits on irs expre$ion, arrili.i particularl) tor women, and

spi.itlally $r ..eare d endr,ing li.lag€ rhich ldts till the cnd of |ime Blt rhat &e rhe implicdtions ot such ll@tedgei trG &. all wouded ii our .alacitv lor loiDg rehtiorslips. w. are $oud.d in $e lane lvai that ou culture is woudcd. We har€, rs a pcople, Srom .liaid b lovc {hen tic sl,n it nor€s us. ,\n{l .o ve slecpwJL througl thc

We haoe,as a people, grown afraid to loaewhen the spirit moaesus.

.elationship lbrdr such .s srial mcd.gmy rathc. than up io the rcality ol 'aLing rvithotrt lnnirs, Serial loYi.g can be r liler, mon.,gam! eithcr/o. sel)mtiYe, apprca.h 10 loYinq. lr sys onrol ard po*ss your prrmcr. md tl." rade iun or her ih l'.r a nev one. The concept of id! without linis, {hi.h n €xplaincdin my book us wcrc The scx negative Tp.oa.l nmv of 'Lore lvithoul Linits: jhe Q!es1 For ifs . Ii\ nast), rai.scdsith says,do!'t do substantial l4tinat Rclarionship'. all.ws ibr a sintul, ii\ drsgustirg Tle sexual liberalio. more inter.cti\r, inler.omeded, trofi /and it * mn.h as $id, do moren.nt of the 609 )ou apprarch to loving 11 involvN iL Ib. hrnles tun, good cm.lt\ sexualozting urdcrutarding and rcspecting ledlrhier dran Thir is m!.1 vou. qre you fdder, Dd if need be, rel.ttionships approach be.ause sex ncgatjve lhe pernit ing moie lld onc loYe ii naLes selJ'a..tlrd.c Possible, me&ntto r.latioNlip to co exht. h stdis b$ it still des lot cobpletelt enhance,rether trom tle prcmN ihal heal rhe split betu.cn s€x and hin.ler, our tfuu ar. relatnJnshipr rexuabving spirit. lhe re uion ol sex dd enhrrcc, rather rha! mcant ro spititual spi.i! ..mcs abour when l't go rpiritual one sl.p tuthcr b) eling sr n .leoeloprnent, hinder Decidiig $ho t{) development. sa.red, it\ psverfin, it\ la\'jng, the is a iun tion of dis.trning lexul *itlt be and rc should apprca.h it with iore, sith n to stiritual 1itc, nor 6vng elTects on our rcvercn.e, and slti c&ing lvc must .earisc ln love or con. eape(.tjons pro social that $!en sr irin sid drothd rexul\ Dd

25

E irltrir l"','ri .tr'! l,', , , r . , r t r t r x, ! r , n t i, n, , r^krf , lrin tr. \ll,i, f . nhc , ih. n hoinS ertdnalh nnlnscd. Pa.ir.h mal conljolsl) and roluraril) cioose nonotamy.r rtr9, nay .h6se to be l;iilful to more thai one parher at a tihe. rhe poirt is dtar rou do not have to dis.dd one lorcr iiLe fnerd.yk g.rbage in ordef to lake on motier.I'stcad lou rccy.te. -1h. lo.m h .or rea|v importmr. Conscious chon e and natu.l €vohrrion de the [edt of the natr€i .

, ! , r ur l ! t r 'r . n '. x , , t . 'r " . " ( h r t i r t i r , . rt\ wr nr n g . { b J ( k i 'r r o u ( h s i l h r h e i , n f j l tcnin,i.e spri1, rigrd rrd inhudranertrDda,di for loing relationships$,iI be unnAkcd N Ge tools for desbuction of ttr. human stirn

He.lth!

e.osrreds are chraderhed l,y dircrsity. Bu1 $€ af. desr.o),ing rhe e.ology ol hmd lovinSi ol th. hunan .ohmury n tne lde way that the ecolog\ of rlc ertl has been violated. Th. rxualoljng eg valent of $. Rain Fofest is already sr closc 10 exrincri.n, tnat few pcople an) memo.v of it, Ancienr rituls cflebraring thc il.w ol tle lifc for.e though ou. bodies as it manif€sh as sxual energl de all bu( lbrgorte! MaD! vdicties ot

As tttomenget back in touch znith their ndturuIfeminine spirit/ igid afld inhumanestand.ards for louirg relationships zaill be unmaskedas the tools for destruction of the human spiit thst theV flte.

The wouds b ou .!ltue, to olr tahilies, to ou loving r.h&flhiPs cd au h€ ued b) a ieinregrabn of thc leni ne clebent. fhis mflies a rhift, a taradiSh snnt oam.re intu itivc, .ootefatik, norvins, susbr.ablc sar ot .rPr€ssn{ ou rxuihr md slruclujng ou lovingrelationships. while all genders cortain both hascdine and leminine €lements wirh'n thcm, tiis shili ctuot occu wittrout som.n bling rhe lead in naking rhG chmge.4nd in fa(t, lru} of thc leadcre .i todar'r Poltdelit) movencnt are $ohen. As a g.oup, hcn tcnd b b€ nor in rou.h {i!h th€ir needs md desirc fo. m dple p&rne.s but 1rl often unsu..e*fulh tokeep $is hiddrn b€ctrue rhey are aftaid rhar women won 1 acccp|nem if rher adnit ro bei,g non nonogmous. or somctlme! th.y ae cven nore afiaid rhar women mav demard equat rights wooeD ha!€ expcrien.edthousandsof yces or stonhg lbr aduhe.,, cha\ritl betl'\, burnirg at rh€ stale. and gene.al abu\e od hmiliation trod a male po$?r druclu.e desp€rarc b .ontrol the urul], f€hinine scxualnatu.c. A, a resull nary woocn ha,r begun to belj€re that nonogamr is son€tbiDg rhat sohen ne€d and 1va.t, raGe. thar someftiig dar was brural\. forc€d on rhcn br

clds. kjnshDsroup3, ['m ier havealreadrdisappeded.Th€ nu.]ed -lribes, fffiil.|' itself is an enddgo.d steci.s. When ir comes to se{ualorc, we livc in a .on(€ptual l,rison. Molt p.ople arc aware ot o.ly tlree oprjons for toresqtcs.]l)tr cm be single (uartachcd), ]ou .& bc in a ftonoganols .ouple, or you ce .h€at. rn rerliu. dcre de dozeN oi possibiliti.s.When I iouded IntiNd Resouce CeDt.r inl98t to hclp rai$e publi. a{arene$ abour rbe yalue of a rhole rangc of op.i.hs for ethictrl mulrifarher sexualoring rctarionships, r dis.oyer.d rlat mer |eopte bad dim.ltry €vcn uderstddin8 dE .oncept ot (spotrible non monogahr, But ir is mr con'iction rtar ir ordcr to t..serve tnc l;milv wc mus expdd rle boudaries. The honogahous nu.led tamilJ is 1.D hnited and too asthe unir€r$l lovcstrlc.Insteadve .d rbink ofall intenrjon.t lovenylesas..u.:iblcr f., tte

26

uion of r* Md spirit. As !.hicld lbr ou g.owth and resfbnnarion

they re taboo, oil liniL\, to husirc$ ard commerce.Alkady, may r.ryi.es shn,h rve.e l6.hcrly provided bl inil) nemh.n h.vc b€corr. conhercial items - hous. .leding. chnd .a.c. cookinS, ga.dening, qrtcrtinn€.r, hcalft care. ()unfliirS, djsa$d reliel and spiritual guidanccto lme a fe{. If

Be.ause our knoen optiols, dd perhaps ho.e importmtl), ou lormalire exPe.iencchd been linited to dr€ nar6 experirlce .f $e isolrl.d nkled fmil) d it loses itr mchor il tbe disintcgranngexkrdcd ianilv, hady of ur h{€ sufercd nu.r tfam. in ou teilies, Thefe arc Powerfin fo..er rumng &.ou8h tmiti€s tove dd sex to nenti.n lwo. IheY gcncrat. powcrtul curents wlirh .an hut as hral. we oave erotic love ed e.staticsexualitv,liut s! aho 1ia. th.n ld.$ing ho$ poFedes se are in then path. hn't it safer to .reate rigid,ndllulions to contai. rhem, ero il k md up stranglingrh€lilc olt of iem In dr prcces? simileh, there have been pdrs ol u thar hate and fear rie edth, n'tue dd & {ilderne$ bccau$ dEy re r:a!. dangerousmd hdd to enb ol . Prts who sa), if sc kill all the wnd be^ts, dam r h e r i r e . \ , .u t d o w n th . lbrests, pave over lie ha\h$; ihen n.ybc vr

The monogamous nuclearfamily is too limited snd too nflrrou) to seroeas the unioersal looestyle.Inste&d u:e can think of all intentional looestylesas cruciblesfor the u ion of sex &nd spiit.

ahogcthcr w. $itl hNt fu pu.hNe o.l{xrk to rhc srarc to p(,vide em basi.ssu.h as ser, l.re drd chitd bearing. lhosc lvnhou suflicicnr ihcome will

Ou anbivalen.e to tle plder hs led us to tLe edge ol nreprable destrudion of ou natuai enlifonment. rlopefulln thc .nvironme.ial/e.olog) movcmenr la\ a$akeDed us to rhar da.gef in time to rekrsc tlc prtres SimiLdb, ou 3nl,ivilen.. ros-a'd sx, lorc, the frmil) and th. $hoL ecologL of hunan relatedncs lud ied us to the poi.r of dcsroiing lle Y.r) thngs $hi.h nakc N bban Nos sr musl re Gcate a .!llure wlich hohours both Fx .nd spnn and suplDrt thc rela&,nshlps to $|,.h '.her gn! bir$.

qlencet ou ard out ambiT) sex,looe, thefamily atd the wholeecologyof humoflreldtedness had led us to thepoixt of destroyingthe oery thittgs 'whichmakeus human.

Wc love faailies. &d we alro hat€ thcm. Most of u3 iavc bccn raired in famili€s whtch ser€ dlstunclbnal in on€ sav or rnotler. so narbe i pet ot us would liLe ro see rhc familv disapped ahogetler 'llff\ c.rtainll $e sar lve re behang. But d.Ger fart of us tnorvs tlat the fanih a sour.e ol lovc rnd ^ ru'tu*nce and ca.ing. scx, I.ve, fabil), prenrinx liele llings retain D rura of sacred,cs in ou .ultue whid hea's that

Oligi aLl!

27

published it1

HEAD

THE 'S' WORD I ranrt believ€ I'm acually dolm rfiir . nr goa to be up ther€ amongs;ma of

th€.hardejt.htnsst'*

ruta|ng rhhg (my words) on "":.i-i-i. DaD€rfor om€rp€oplero r€adlm€an. lilnrltalnc

What's yours Called? Over. ahe part few yearj I'v€ baan rrpenandng an incr€erhg probl€m ln rt€ w.y I dellne ny jexu.lky. At on.

il?1il"1,J""ffi""9;il:T##fl * :HT,.'T'l;f.ilH1 :1? iTli* HiT#iil i"fli,i.f,im,;f; ,i?;l,i "fl":.'?:"i:1""i,rm H:"i;"f

s|€ mougit aharp€oplemigfit rhirt thh .I glqere ple of rhk quhe jo j(.ry ar I oo (t_Dtarnaaltaparenarl),but | fl*ur€ w€ p.fi dm€ ao do lomethlng rbout il'r

Ive gndui ly b€comeawaraahatwom€n md(e me hot too. Even rnore $ rfian m€n. to 0ra polnt wh€r€ ahGrarlo of

occured tn dte cona€xtof a frlrly strbla mono,garnoorh€aeroraxu.l reLrlondtlp, So hera I am . hnd rever acru.lly sl€pa wlth a of en €arlng ln to uernaa. I fe€l falrly probl€n the ir thatsGiid th€ lda. of dolng a rure at ti€ mofi€nt whlchls a pretty peEonal that whole zin. |nyj€lf my rext .bout to flnd out f thin& hasgot so bounduD relationJhlpir likely I have enythlng to to b€ r'fth a worran, wift the polirjcattharth; 5ay. The qoejtlon malnly b€quje I personal arpectof it haralmost cent lmagtnebclng that ,oJt ocqrr€d to me ll why got lost along th€ way. rDt€ to g.t th€ Doth€r, and | 8u€lj ._ | thlngr I want from kri cor.l-knowahatlf we're €vergorra any of lhe m€n lve net in rhe h$ fcw nde a tre wor0t tivlnS ard rny cortrot y€aR, apan frcm my prasrnt Dann€., over |t .nen wc have ao Jrrn mJdnr lt DutoDvlorjrlyth€r€are no runniees. so ror ou6alve5 riahrr ahantihn* wh;Cs at.ah?rromenr, h aftepdveq of rny own mar€. And lt re€mi that even lf I only m|nd, I would corulder myr€lf ao be r.ad .ttematfue 5tuff, |f I only re.d DBrxuat,bur I feel uncomfonableabout .na oon t con lbut€ than I,m idll r adoolr,tedgtng lhb Dublldy, beeu$ t @n5umcr, cin t 'prov€ h' so ao rD€rk, P.n of rft. btod( ro ,(ru.lly doinE .n).tfhg abouathb h.5 been ati f.€th; I glt rh.t lars 8ea to be ,solnetfin; r.rlouJ', but I (arrt 8eathe ldnd of nuf I me:n Dy ahat n.algft in tr|y h€ed, h ramatE a f.irt h|.uyfe€fin& so $uff ahat -.you 8tt B,t|rt you,r€ glvan (unl€$ you oo tt youretf), end I'rn glvhg nry falrtv p€Ronat lambllflSt on *xuallcy, coJ anat't wu'l o|| nry mhd.

lJ,,t",,$fl iil*#"T,.?'n-fx.lli

o€Dmg e v€ry re.l l|.n of who I am. I (a.r't re€ any €iry way, oua of th€ dfl€lnma €fthcr. I don'a want !o ,lecD wrtn JorFon€ mcrely !o prov€ i Dolr|t. I don'a went to rhrow a{/ay a relationflo | €nroyto do thrt €Lfier, and eldoudr we v€ dllori*d non-monogamy,I donlt reer t'h ruffld.rdy jon€d edodondly ao DeeDt€lo d€l wlth ft wttt|out fuctrtn! ?3

It up good Alaftolih I can udertiad wfty'iyla. p€opl€ g€t fld up {l p€ople thay s€e 15 ,umplng on the birexuallg faihion ble bandwagon,I do r$enr tfie fad thit rfiy rcxualltyr€emj to b€ $ dor€ly tied ro |ny b€fiavlour ln mo.t peopl.t mlnds(j€€nrslt\ OK to be a h€taroa€xurlvlrgln but not a bbexuel on€, and erl,way, ['lut about detlre, emotbfi and boll€fJ ar well i3 b€havbur). I eko r€J€lt tle fact lhet som€ peoDle would feel iu$ifi€d ir denylng the reality of fiy experLnc€j, .nd lelllng me how h rcdt lj. Ar far as |
almoJt got loar along dle way. la 3a€ms dro rhat we .re eflowlnaours€lv.! to b€ defined fron th. outside rnd ar€ ln dang.r of b€lng purhed Into a nunb€. of lll.fittlng boxer wher'|tlall a! rhould be bre.klng doyn walb. AII of whldr mernr of cou6€ tfiat thi only thhg I cando b b€ gp frcn! .bow how I d|oole to d€flne nyi€tf .nd tefl d|ose rvlro wouldwirh to do k dmer€ntly to go fud tfiemt€tu€r.

Wrtr4tArdt tO ta tt/ Wen6.tl,1e,.rrw., o'f h, ta zta. rh. tedd. cH & tDgfi.n wctN Jxx

Me...you....us I disgust m5nelf you sicken me in blissfi oblivion to the force that brought us here we oil the cogs of ttre machine witJr our conformative uselessness we lost the spark relinquished the fire so stoned we didn't notice it slip away tlds is no release,you ale merely mrnb and who commits tlte greater crime tlre blind, or those who see and look ana;r? and slip quietly into an easier reality

sonlric *nowledge of therrylves 6 oE€ with th€ divers€. The thoushr oI losils onet beloved p,nner cd b€ padculdb' ter.ifyins if one already{eels,ar sooe level of consiousness.alienated{rom the Great B€lov€d.It is like putting salt in u existing

$ EPTVATION' ON trEAT.OU'T lUXA ''III
The more oc {eels ooeselJro be i! deep comuion wnh the cre:t Belove4 rhe eaier it beones to love upossssiveln and the edi.r it beotc to tld Tihe, Life ed Narue. The feu of losing a panma ad the consequentd.*e ro exercise.oltiol over 1

Thefact is tbat 7aedre all

loaeableand anrtbwbile, just asa)edre!

30

panuet's behoiour, t,"icrlty l€ss.ns. k becooes e*ier to loYe one's bcloYed uacoudftiorally because of the &ep avar€ne$ rhat rhat is hor the Great Belovedloves u. It also beconer e6ier to love rhe perso4(s)of whon ooe is jealou, beaue they too ne visible expresioro of the Great Beloved.There is perbapsaothias more coluuiq, enlanciag @d spiritualy upliftirg tho ooviag from fear aad iealousy, through pain, to e.eptdce,

I I

Thepluralistmusf also be one of the mosl reassutingand eloquenlwomen on earlhlo assuagea lover'spain over Ang defensiveness and unfaifhfulness. angershowher up for a meansPoiler, not a greal lover.lf gou insiston plagingthe love-lhe-one-gou're-wilh game:focue. Conince lhe hurl woman vouloveherjust how muchgou do love her. Invesleffort fo morelhan equalwhal goujust sPenfin dalliance. Yourhearl is otherwiseloo poor to afford cheapthrills. lrcmThe LesbianLore A&r;rol by Celestewest, Cleis tuess,SanFrancisco,1989. 3l

March 1994 Femalereaders'poll, NewWomanmagazine'

TOWARDS A NEW CULTURE Dy D. Oiea.r Duh|n

58yo hadhad sexwilliryly with a man otherthan their husband 8670 had thoughtaboul having arl affair 847o of thosewho had afrairs didr't tell their husbads. 607o oftbose having atrairsalso describetlemselvesas "happilv married" 547o ofthose having atraimdid not feel al all guiltv aboutit 587o telieve their maniageis the sameor b€nersinc€having an afair 467o of thosehavingali'airs stay marriedto lheir husbandbecausethey still love him. Monogamoussociety?I rlink not

I think the most dangerousparts of the cunent cultural trance arc pretty obvious: male domination, materialism and the absenceof spirit. Monogamyis anotherone in there.Theseare cultural styleswhich, if nor overcome,will probably contribute to oul ev€r more rapid acceleration toward, if not extinction, at leasta prcfound brutalisationof life 'IERENCE MC(IENNA

It's hiladousto me when someonesaysthat someonebelongsto them, like "That'smy girl". Whata crock.No-onebelongsto anybodyFuckslavery. Do what you want...Suchmentaltormentover petty,trivial emotional displayssuchasjealousy;it's a form oflaziness.Youall shouldloosenup. HENRYROLLINS

t2

Wander€rsIn The Desert It took thJce billion years for life to cvolve from the cell to the human being.That processshedssomelight on dre magnitude of what we are dcaling with when we try to see the phenomenon of the human b€ing in a natural framework. Wherc do we stand today in the process of b€cominS human beings, and which act of creation lies alrcad?

quantum leap of change such as occurs when water turns to st€am. The evolution of humankind seerns to stand b€fore inminent mutational change. History, in all its variations, has shown that when humankind embarl$ on a certain course, it Boes all tlre way. This time going a[ the way would mean its own annildlation.

Tluough our historical For the part of pact we s€€ a wave that wants of humanitv It is a question coming toward rc that to survive in a human€ a is gaining momentum disempouering and intelligent wa, at a terrible rate. there is now one theme spiitually, Creaied some time and one task: to coand emotionally around the op€rate in achievinS seventeenth century, it sexuallybankrupt th€ traniformation is the wave of big from the cultural era way of life, &nd industy, of population based on the laws of explosiorr al.ld of larte profit to an €ra based anyoflewho csn technological wais. on laws of life. The two substitutesomEthing are usually one could perhaps say that it is the wave of betteris contributing diametricaly opposed humankind becoming to each other; mo6t of to this a pla]letary being in its the organisational disempozuerment.forms and habits of filst and most unconscious phase. behaviour of the old Today this wave tlueatens to bieak. lt em therelor€ cannot be incorpoiated has not yet brokerL but it may do so into th€ ne ' one. On the contrary in the near future. Modern overcoming the old ways is nec€ssary civilisation is dding its crcst. Further if a humane survival is to be aclueved building up of its typical parameters at aL This need fo. dunge applies to of indushial growth, armament, the existing forrns of economt city pollution and planning, energy use and land us€. It cnvironmental emotional misery wifl result in a applies to the whole area of 33

needed today is taking place in other aienas, not at those t€rricades where police old-style the and revolutionaries clash with one anothei. It is more a questlon of a spiritually, disempowering emotioaally and sexualy banlrupt way of life, and anyone who can substitute something better is to this conhibuting dis€mpowerment. Th€se activities need to come out of hiding so that they might unite meaningfully with other similar attempts to create a stronS force Ior the future. For this to happen a generally valid cultural and political concept of an owelall alternative ne€ds to be develope4 an open conc€pt that encourages development. Al1 those who are actively giving thought to our present condition are beginning to a8r€e that in rcality nothing is more impork]lt than to develop a positive total alternative, based on a new comprehensive and convincing idca

technology. which, what with our alieady diminishing resources/ will have to reorient itself during the nelt 50-100.yeals toward entirely new materials and processes. More important it also applies to the inner sph€re of our lives, our emotional, sexual and sPidtual ways of living and our rclatlons to each othet and these are the areas in which the human b€ing js dir€cdy comected to liJ€ from within. How is the transformation to occut and who will bring it about? Th€se become so questions have unanswerable &at one could becom€ cynical. I\&at shall we do with the hyp€rhophied cities, the industrial monst€rs, and the traffic compl€xes iI they are no long€r n€eded in the coming era? Who - and with what political mandate - should build a decentralised e.ological society at a time when the appalatus of production and distribution is more cenhalis€d than ever? Who should take power away from the mighty, the monet from corrupt 'necessities'? Who witl eliminate the power of social status, who will change our daily habits - including those of the self-professed opponents of the system?

In r€ality, except lor one tldng. Now, as we approach the heart of the matter, w€ s€€ that such positive concepts are compr€hensive practically non-existent. The Maixists live on nostalda; the tide of theiapy has stalled in individual problemsolvin& and spiiitual innovators are often so bizarre that their b€haviour suggests spiritual disoder rather than healing. The envimnmentalists fiom and the activists the counterculture as a rule know much better what they are fighting against than what they are fighting for Her€ we should not be taken in by

Who? Thir question conc€rdng tlrc 'revolutionary subiect' can no lonSer be answered with sociological or political economic theolems, b€caus€ what needs to be revolutionised today is exactly that'inner pait' of the human being and of society where such categories are no lonSer relevant. The revocation of powers

u

Non-violence, aPPeaiances. and democrary, Srassioots decentralisation - these are slogars and not yet manilestatione of will what does som€one who wants grassroots democracy ieally stand for as a human being? Only when PeoPle know themselves so rnrel that they can say with cettainty what they as hulnan beings want and when they have liberated thenrselves ftom their ideologies to the point where they can freely commurucate, only then can they lormulate cultural and political concepts that do not sidestep their oe'n true motives. So long as they camot do this, they are like two yranderers who drag themselves thiough the burning heat of the desert discussing political or moral questions. Suddenly they come uPon wat€r and run off and ddnk like anirnals. That was what they had been missing.

the lorbidden fruit trom th€ tt€e of knowledge - and they knew each other (in Hebrew tlle sarne word is used for knowing and tavin8 s€x), therefore they had to l€ave Paradise. What does thie fantastic equalling of cognitio& sexuality and sin say about the essence of sexualitY? It says at least this: that sexuality, ie the fact of the polarity of humanlind and t]rc ensuing striving for rmio& does not serve solely. the cause of biological reproductiory but takes a sPecial place in total hur1an develoPment The potential for insight and dev€lopment inherent in seruarity is of tlle rnagnitude of early mYstical knowledge, although we today choose to view it in a somewllat more dispassionate way. Sexuality is a fundamental i$ue in hurn€jl destiny and human culture.

A pe$on who looks at or reads good pomography and does not brush it off through hasty indignation may Th€ Importance Of SexualitY find that it affects the body in a sudd€n rush. Wrlat Love is a patt of the Sexualityis a are we dealing with magic of liJe, and sexual attraction i5 one of ite issuein her€? Anyone who fundamental alows thems€lves to most €lemental forns of and dcstiny human be affected this way exprcssion. In free, ie and gives themselves aJld humanculture. uninhibited to the unblocked, sexuality lies th€ir that it to €xcite$ent noticeE the elemental force and the dePth, the Soes corc. lt must be an enormous force passiorr the calm, and the devotion of that ca]l shake you in this mannex life its€lf. Sexuality is devotion, What is it? Anybody who is so whether in an active o! passive s€nse. incautlous as to e(pose therselv€s to this power in the sbeets or Park or The fa.t tllat esoteric and reliSious on the beaches;anybody who senses tea.hings oI liberation tlave usually that here som€thing inescaPable i5 been tied to sexual asceticbm Prcves dema]lding attentiorL and who that s€xuality has a special meaning despite an arising Iear, or Pe*nPs in human life. Adaln and Eve ate of 35

fuuilment in their private lives. It is the part of of pelversion human social history arld the history of that ideas phenomenon such as sexuality, whos€ and bodily emotional offshoots penetrate all of society like a secret nervous system, has b€en banished to the spheie. privat€ S€xualitv is a public issue of the first order and shodd be tr€ated so in anv realistic cultuial concept.

is becauee of it determined to pursue it - may come to something know . about the meaning of sexuality. They maY notice that it sends signals from a life that keeP unlived €nte.in8 their daily life, and consid€dng their longings theY may not be willing to fall back on th€ old excuses and moral swindles. They may longing tlus let interest them and open up to it, b€caus€they s€neein it the voice of unJulfilled but real possibilities in life, and they wil not be Badsfiedby the explanation that aI this is mere projection.

considering our true wishesand longings,our daily liaesare pretty ridiculous.

The possibilitV of creating a humane cult re will exist ofily after sex al reqregsionand its causeshou been

At heart everybody knows it. But we tive in a secret comPlicitY of pr€tenc$. For we live under conditions - involvint marriage, reputatiorr social positioi! ek - tlut vrould immediately be endangered if in the sexual area we came down on the side of truth. Sexual honestY would stand in incomPatible opposition to our way of liJe, morals, science, religion, societ-vand also to our political and cultural customs. It would perhaps gradually face us with the most shocking of ineiShtsr tha! consid€ring our tlue wishes and longings, our daily livee are Prctty ridiculous. For this reasonthe issue of sexuality needs to b€ forcefully taken out of the private sPhei€, if more peopl€ are not to perish lor lack of

Sexuality controls and oppresses us so long as we do not succ€ed in bringing it out into dayliSht and building a new social world incorporadng it. We can tie sexuality personal relationships, up in sublimate it in various activitiet or tum it into mystical love , but some part remains outside, outside of communication, dark, sbange, urtedeemed. Ihis residue that will not b€ extinguished badgef us with a cascade of sexual stimuli that conlrcnt u3 in every cib/. The kind of excitement that grips us here (if we have not immurlised ourselves well against it) clearly shows fiat in this centml point of our lives we are not 36

u old their humanising force. yet masters of our liv€s, free citizens of the world. Real control of sexuality Beauty lies in th€ supPle movements iB a prer€quisite for a tlue humanism of an aninal, in the erotic movements and a tuly ffee lif€. But real control of of a body that i6 s€xuality is identical life in which AII utays ftee of fear. in the total with its grace of a loved liberatiorL for only itselfare expresses child and in the when it is free does it the inner zahen beautiful face of a woman lose its pent-up its andtheouter makin8 love. All power/ moaenunt ways in which life compulsion, and its arc identical expression expr€sses itself are secret domination oI our lives. Only total Lifeis ugly andmeanonly beautitul when the sexual lit€rahon can whenit is blocked, and free us from the andtwisted. suVpressed s€cret tyranny of the identical. Lile is unredeemed Satanugly a]!d mean only when it is blocked, suppressed and twisled. The S€nsuality brings afjection. We human being becomes ugly and experience love when we hold a mean when they have to suPPress )'oung rabbit in our hrnds and then themselves and prctend becausethey our hand is transformed into a sense cannot or may not commit organ for all living creatff€s. This themselv€s to tlrc liJe in th€m that to living sensual relationshiP putls and hurts and for which theY creatures conveya th€ el€mentary long, whether they know it or not Ieeling of love. Nobody would 8et Sexuality becomes ugly and mean the idea that th€r€ wele any&dng when lies entet into it. Blocked life rnluman in dris process. Let us becomes ugly and translate this into to be needs Loue viol€nt wher€ver it ftom freed the relationship its way human between 'sin', withoutlosingthe must force its natural b€cause creatures. Under it hndasa sin. flow is blocked. fascination c,,n-rocsA.l cucumstances no foflows the principle of selfsexuality peBon who was touched in such an They who prophecies. tutilling affectionate, natuial and loving way cause it to be a it to b€ a sin declare would be shocked by it. Love would and distuibing violent asocial sii, ie develop here in the same way as like a troubled thost. TheY who between living creatures with the if accuse pure sexuality oI beinS naturalness of a la\^r oI nature the animalistic aie accusing liJe itself. flow werc not blocked off through jealous This attitude is caused bY two spouse,etc. social rules, fea4 a enormous blind spob. First th€y fail Fr€e sensualit/ and fte€ seruality to see the beauty of the animal able to need a new social order to be

37

happens to love as it is caught in the tlap of a normal couplelelationship? Almost wift the certainty of a law of naturc it turns rnto jealoue, blackmail and boiedom. The sexual taboo toward the oubide creates inner djssatisfactiory aggression and boredom. But the partners have to hide this from one another becaus€ The fate of tlle earth is at stake. otherwiE€ their relationship and the Wheths we are to have war or peace comfort of *reir habits would be is, in part dependent on the athtude of the human being toward ss(ual liJe ieopardised. At h€a*, of course, they both notice that they are trying to energies. What needs to be keep up pretences tlat have long discover€d is the Eimple fact that a since ceas€dto be true. They become ftee, tully affirmed, lived a]ld loved distrustful and start getting on each sexuality constitutes the active ottur's nerves. One who is no longer element of humanisation of liJe. Love sure of theh own love doesn't trust needs to b€ fteed fiom 'sin', ie from the Iove of the other. Now €motional repression, defarration and lieg war brealG out, a war that probably without losing the fas.ination it had claims more victims as a sin. Life centres sincethesystemof than tralfic accidents. need to be establish€d in which the opening couplerelationships is Behind jealousy there lies libidinous the of all usuallytoolimitedto usually psychological trauma channels can mak€ it and of a child who f€arc possible to build up an fulfil theemotional culture the love of their ecological sexualneedsof the losing parents, and since the frcm within. It js only thisfear of system of couple in such places that it indiztiduals, wifl be possible to Iosingoneanotheris rclationships is usua y too limited to tulfil the d€velop a spiiitual rcinforced.emotional and sexual culture that fu free corlstantly needs of the from compulsion to individuat, this fear of losing one compensate for a life not lived, a another is constantly rcinforced. ff religioBity free oI hypocrisy and a there i6 only one patner it is truly love of one's neighbour that is not baumatic to suf{er this loss. based on morals and secr€t power,

Secondly, purc sexuafiry among humans is never only animalistic, for th€ human being is a spiritual being. Spiritual images oI transcendence,of devotio& and of love are seething darKy in their c€lls until they have recognised and realised t}rcm.

A human system needs to be developed that allows for so many emotior\al and sexual relatioru and so much creative activity that the individual is no longer dep€ndent on relations with one person for the

A Nen, Social Organt3ation Of Sexuality In art, philosophy and religio& our culture has glorfied love. But what 38

fuuilment of th€ir wishes in liJe. Und€r such circumstances tlue love b€tw€en partne$ could develop o{ a fieer and mor€ beautitul kind. Two tendencie3 in the historical dev€lopments of our time have led to the necessity of liberating sexuality from its old forms: the process of sexual enlightenment which was initiated by psychoanalysis, and th€ inner process of destruction within the family, a process that was initiated by the development of the modern industrial state itself. The emotional erosion of Pereonal modern in the r€lationships organisation of work, money and consumption has long since afI€cted the family. The daily TV evening documents it clearly: the fatnily is no longer a source of creative liveliness but a rcfuge for passive rccup€ration woiking off str€ss, and for disappoinh.nents,aggession, etc. Th€ emotional €mPtue$ and conJusion can b€ s€en in the Srowint fr€quency oI alcoholism, child abuse and juvenile delinqumcy. Psychologbq sociologists and criminologists are faced with a task that no long€r can thetu limited be Eolved with professional methods.

emotionally overcofie and iePlaced tllrough new ones that are not based on ideology and outer normt but that stem ftom within. Th€se new forms should not simply n€8at€ the old ones but should integrate their positive aspects. The elem€nts of love, warmth, tiust, stability, clear orientation for childrer! €k, can be fully incorporated in new forms that are free of emohonal corwtrictlons and wher€ chjldren no longer 8€t caught in a web oI fixatlons a]ld projectioru. Of course such new planned €annot be forms programmaticalt they must develoP as a result of the relations between the p€rsons involved. But within such a community srnall€r grouPs arc bound to form, maybe in the form of smallei units or living SrouPs ol maybe 6-12 pelsons. In these subgroups the 'farnily'would then b€ embedded: th€ child with the fathei and mother as prima:ry car€takers and th€ others as an ext€nded fainily enabling the child to have many varied relationships. Ttu faeechoi'2 of paftnels raithoutlear and scrccy is thz basisfor emotionalhonesty. Building A Hudanely Functioning Community. Lasting and continuous cultural work rcquires buildinS shong, suPPortive tunctioning humanely and cornm1miti€s. Any attemPt that does not coruider this quetron js not a s€rious attempt. Too many potitical and altemative projects have broken down due to inier difficulties for this point to be treated casually. A solid communiry does not just sPring into

A new order of emotional and sexual relationships ernerges slowly. The removal of mariate and nuclear {amily while maintaining the other soci€tal structuies would lead to total chaos.A common expedmental living situatlon ne€d6 to be developed where, in {ree commumcation and in an atmosphere of Srowing tlust the forms of our dailv lives can be 39

existence. Ev€ry grcuP harbours the human problems, the hidden oi oPen conflicts of autlority, comPetinS for recognitiory Power and love, the seething aggressions, and the €ntire swamp of unsolved s€xualitY, iealoNy. IeaJs,€tc. In all SrouPs you Iind tlrc whote spectrum of tYPical problems. The men often compensate foi their emotiolMl and sexual intellectual insecurities through selfideological and rhetoric rca wom€n don't importance. The Y trust each other whenevel men are involved. Those in love sexually often do not know how opet{Y they dare show their wishes without causing fear, jealousy and cbaos within the group. Couples have their own problems when what was once love Bets mired in distrusdul clinging to each other. Children never quite know wheths the]' can trust their parents love ard start testing their parents constandy. In ord€r for thes€ daily occurrences not to rePeat them-selv€s endlessly we ne€d new expedences and new knowledge about how to build communities. In communities cultures simpler emerged naturally on their own. Today they need to be develoPed consciously according to all the knowledge afld exPerience of interpersonal relations.

what is needed is a clear attitude toward the emotional and mental realities that in Iact exist. This emotional teality must at all times and places be made visible, with as playful and joyful methods as possible, until all Pretence and hypocrisy drop away. The grouP rlt€mbeis must notlce that ihere is no longer anything to b€ Sain€d bY pretending. Th€re is perhaPs only on€ categori€al imPerative {or the emergenc€ of communities that are good and stable fiom within: that everything possible be done to make what happens in the communi9 unde$tardable and hansParent to is esPeciallY everyone. This important for the emotional and sexual processes,for they are behind almost everything that makes the group situation difficult and opaque Only iI all processesare uansparcnt 'w'ill drc members lose thel paranoi4 and the deshuctive Prc,cesseswill be kept from leading a life of their own OnIy then call the causes of riJts and fractures in the group be treated belore it's too late. A cornmon cause for th€ loss of uansparency in a grouP situation lies in the mixin8 of factual discussiong with emotional conflicts. The SrouP must lean to distinguish sharPly b€h^/een fact atd emotion to keep discussions from sinking into an endless quagmire. There is no point in continuint a factual discussion that has long since become dominated by pe$onal con{icts or covert Power stu881es. This is th€ time to breal o{I the discussion and carry on the intemction through Play-

Building a humane community confronting means usually difficulties that are deeply rooted in the charact€r structures of modem people and €specially in the the ideological structures of subcultur€s. Instead of the fir€tion on humanitarian slogans and demands, 40

becomes barriers meaningless.

acting with theatical exaggeration and playtulness, thereby getting a perspective on the conflict.

increasingly

For several years we have carried on this erqeriment in the 'Bauhutte' Another cenEal point in th€ building project and we have found that of a community concerns the mutual dishust slowly disappears rclations of couples and th€ problems from the relationships when each of sexuality. Again and again the parhff openly s€es and nec$sary transParency Free sexuality what the other is knows is impeded by the Opemess and doing. structures of the coupl€ basedon lasting are cmcial bansparency relatioruhip. As soon as personal in the elements difficulties ads€ in the shucture psychological group the paftErs tend relationships is no of a n€w culture when it to retreat to their or ideology comes to creahng a twosomeness, creating a a healthy Broup situation. program, but private fortr€ss of th€ir and free is oltrl The harm that natural Toayto dEaI Partn€rship not in are se)
transpaicncy (esp€cialty in the emotional and sexual areas), and constant social feedback through direct human contact.

conJuse feeling sorry for someone with love of one's neighbour, or the Iage over being personauy hurt with the rage against the destoyers o{ tif€, and one's own cowardice ra'ith These characteristics cannot b€ consideration and tolerance. realised at the depth of their true Emotional cleaising m€arls that the meaning on the basis of present-day emotions and energies can flow again emotional structures, character becausethey are free rrom hypociisy, structures and ideological shuctures; that the feelings of infcrioritu and in part, they cannot even be guilt disappear because the understood. They seem to 80 against inlerioritv and guilt have empirically determined laws of djsappeared. It means that we get rid human behaviour. But in reality drey of false feelings of shame with which only go against the empirical laws of w€ have denied our best and most the €xisting cultural era which is vital ur8es, and that true shame based bioenergetic selfemeges, the shame over olrr constant suppression. The realisation of tlrc repression of the huth of t]rc living above mentioned characteristics world in ur for no other reason than i€qurres an rnne. our fear of the eyes differentiatebehoeen and judgement o{ Plocess of chanSe for the individual which loueand the need. for could term someone to leanon, Fundamentally, emotional cleansingr. betweena yesthat emotional cleansing What does 'emotional means to overcome stemsfrom thehiurt the cleansing' mean? It entire means that love and tnd a yesthat stems psycholosical and hat€d are heed from cultural system that their mutual embnce; from thefear of being Wilhelm Reich caled that one feels no fear rejected. 'the cluracter armour'. when one needs to The character a:rmour fight and no inhibitions when is both a system that keeps down the complete devotion is ca[ed for. It biological energies, and meais that one does Dot force a smile psychological-ideological defence when one would rather cry or against all invasions of Iife that have scream, that one leams to been forced out, and against all differentiate between love and the sign ls from buried truths, longings, need for someoneto lean o& b€tween and love. The cultural era of the a yes that stems from the heart and a character armour has declared all yes that stems fiom the fear of being grapes that hanS too high to be sour rejected. It means that one no longer artd has hated everythint sweet that confuses one's lover with on€'s was unreachable.It despis€d and mother or father, that on€ does not rejected the lust for which it had 42

nlways longed, made impotence into Of cou6e this change cannot occur the virtue of abstinence, and tumed This overnight, not even in small model morals. into cowardice .ommuniti€s. But centres and mendacity has becom€ a solid supporting groups need to be skucture and a permanent Pait of all established, which through their that has been handed down as social and psychological shuctures 'education','humanity', and huJnan will be able to facilitat€ this cenkal dignity . People inshucted otherc process of transforming human about freedom but did not se€ the sociery. Using a[ trap in which available human get rid offalsefeelingsof thay themselves sociological were caughl they shnmewith which1oehnae and intellig€nce we developed deniedow bestand mostaital need to replace

and society but

urges,and true shame emerges,th! sh&meoaerour of the constantrepression truth of the liaing uorld in us,for no otherrcasonthan our fesr of the eyesand judgementof others.

For the rcgulation of their social human lives beings needed ideologies and authorities because,being armour€d beings, they could not rely on the honesty and reason in the human feedback they tot through contact with ihcir peers. Since they also were pent-up ajld tull of latent cruel9 they had to delend themselves a8airrst asocral excess tfuough a sYstem of laws and punishment. Fear has therefor€ been a central element in regulating societ-v.If there can be said to exist one single cenhal change of paradi8m for our total culture, then it will be anchored in the change-over from a social order r€Sulated by fear to a social self-organisauon ttut is rooted in free aJld direct human

regulating by pdncipl€ something could call love. German which philosopher Emst Bloch wrote does lie in love, in a and

unsentimental love containing no remnants of Iear, lies or hatred; and the great'nondum, the untuffiled part of history, lies mainly in this, the greatest of unfulfilled human lon8ings. \ hen it b tulfiled, when the human being can love in full sensuality, stand awake and fully pres€nt in the world, then finally a mode of existence will have been realised that we have always at heart known was possible. lb\|6r.1s A Nev Crrrrc was originallY publishedin 1981,r€visededition1993, by VerlagMeiga, Germany.

43

COMIMIIIIINI\]LSIEX ]L]t]E b! G$n Nlsars PEPcoNs8thannual h Algusi1994lanended Poly PhilosoPhy .t Halbinhotspnngscal'bmia PEP @niarsn@ Edu€lionalPoductions siendsfor Polyidelitols popagandists 'LovingmoE: The basEpremiseof polynd6lrty wassublilled andlhen@niaten@ feel .ti.actionlo a that m6l humans seems to b€ Transforming lranslorming Rel.iionships. people lo b nq this to ils of and that nudbff 3nd an ofienloxic nom monogsmy relationshipB wilh which thev logi@lconcllsionof bengsotuallyinlimat€ to polyfideliiy, familvonvironment perso.,andhavelhema1lgel on more than ons growih moE more 'nore love, ofeB Drooose h€srhepotentiallo clearmanyblocks asa familv, lnlifrad moB@mmilment. palhlo growlh{manyissu$wi|| in thelndividoals haveto be deahwithior il to RyamNering of PEPhas work!), snd also io build may be wtjltsn: Monogamy lnriBdt€, c€ingandrherefo€ a valid choice for some stronq slong communities people at sone tjmes, but are slso communil€s n€ed olher also w6 dev€lopedby lhose who legilimate options ior shar€an inle€stin thlswaY andtamilylite.olr intimacy of lNingas we@melog€lhe. goal is n€w kinds or to shareourdpenenc€and based 0n relarionships pracli@ lechnologl€€ror rovo, unconditional g.owth olten deemed gros$, ontinung sPlriluaL necsssaryto lhrs knd of respe.l lor ou. diversity rolating. One ol these pannsrs, equalityamong lechnologies wo! d be t€lling the t'rlh aboul olr knowl€dge medilalion/selt d€epest d6sires, gnd Anapolstat€sin 0r oeborah personal accspling Love Wthoot Linils: fha Esponsibilitytogelhe.w€ ihai Ro/anbrsntps otploG th€ iotal lEnsiomalion ot lov6 sex and QuenFot Suskhabletntinateplaclice lil6 Tanla sho ses somekindof energy as mosl necessaryin dealingwilh both lhe and physi€!aspectsof nuhi-padner non-mono$mv emolional I hadbeenexdonngresponsrb|€ one A spirilualpEcUe. espscblly ior a whlleandwant€dlo meetolhe6 livingthls in s;rual relating. rela ngandchannelling rs tharfeusesonconsciols Th€ iem non_monogafiv heir communitie! (such as TanlE, Taoist srud Dr€facedhereby tesponsiblolo dislane it com *xua ene'gy will AmendnOuodoushka) or lheNative iwrngrng. lonerty communielio. end alchomy jncreas€ove€ll health,stamina,equlib um w€r6obliolsly6ry frucnpnzed de @nsciousness hopstullybringinggresl€ri.usl bythos6| met,andll seemedthatmanvattend€es and happiness; yourselfandolhers. oI and acceptan@ had expeioned livingin an extondedsexuar lam y of some kind, The€ we.e a nomberor peopl€tromwellknowngrcuPlivingpojec1ssucn Ryam Nea ngs poly'lid.litypinet Loing Moo mylh aB K€dsla (now defhcl) ad ZEGG (ol which slal€srharstudieser€slgadllysha(enng$e 'Thenumb€rof m.mmalspeci€s mo€ lator) We attendedworkshopson c@ss_ of monogamy. is nd downto 2%'. lo be monog€mous @lturaland sdtobiologiel p.ecsd6nlsfor poly believ€d il.. Monogamy i€goingth€way Btds do il, elkdo a gender how lo build balancingr livingr in lhat it wa3 heldlo be the rhe nuclear fsmily ot queors in f.mirvi polylidelitou3family; as a vehiclelor per&nal/spintualnom, butin facl is lhe exeplion Sticlly speaking r€lalionship5 n€ansonesexparherlor liierwhl.h arowlhil6hncus lo facililel€a lEnspar€ncyor monogamy Whatmoslpeopledo rs is manifestly uncommon. nn.ncial for honesv) neec iommunretron tttre Anapolqlls of whal Deborah se al nonogamy tribalTantrsicoming oplionsin groupmarnagei parhers (lots ol s€paraled sedal non monogany out as poly,and much,nuch more n was

Monogamymay be a valid choicefor somepeopleat sometimes,but we also needother Iegitimateoptions for intimacy and family life.

mostp. verrdquolesis We One of Oeborah's

have a3 a people grown aLaid to love when the 6pi moves us \4hile many people poless 10 monogamy,3 very larqenumberdo haveinnmale and/o. sexual rcralionsoutsideof then primery relatonship' and lhen lie aboul ill the clinched posgsgrivop€dn6rdoesnoi dldlh€ir Frlnef lo hsve croseIn€nds,of any sex, becalso of rheir palholool€i jealousy.Mosl of us re@gniselhal ihls is mo.eihan a liillewarped.theoveNhelming characterislic ol monogamy is dependency/ owneBhip/ limitalion/ repression of s€lf and panner - often enforced by lhreats ol abandonment andlorviolene.

Multi-parherser app€arslo make q@d gon€tE s€nse too. Ii has be@me a pop psychologylrulsm rhat many men fear childrennol then own, and womon are moe likelyto seek out 'adullerous' liaisonswhen they ae owlating andnosl likelylo @n@iw. on the gurface it day app€ar lnal honoqamys€rveeth€ €us6 oI socbl @hesion, bul surelyil wouldb6 a ben6rsocielythat @uld accepl lh€ realiry of our €pricious fre4ill and

Communalsexuality

Modem love often pows to be an addicton. and one whlch bolslerc'lhe e@nomy to booi. The relarionship between sexual .ep.ession and auhonia an @nditioningis clearlydelineatedin fhe Mass P'ydlology ol Fascisn by Dr Wlheh

Many p€opl€ inie.esled in multi-panner relationshipschoosglo lire rogethe.and have piono€r€d€tpenmentsin shared prop€nyand woalth lo lh€ greal advanlageof othe6 monogamous o. oneNrseReich (its no a@identlhal interestedin living lolelher grolpsTik€ MOve @mnunard Whilemany people The is van€Votarangensnls andfie diggers, 8ndlreelove profess lhe limited oniy bY to sectslik€ lhe Adamilesand At PEPCoNI Br€lhronol lh€ Fi6€ Spnit monogamy,a very imaginalion. leamedof a journal devoted violgnlry haveb€enrulhre3sr, lhe suppressed) Relpomible targenumber do have exclusivolylo sharing results ot 6xpe.imenlar non-fionogamydgnandslha! intimateand/or we recognissour profolnd lhal so sexualrelations arrang6m€nls and conngcllon lo olhorpeople pooled and is experionc€ lrulyhonourrt.Tobeabl.lodo ou'sidoof their misiakesdonl have ro be s0 we musl hesl ourssl!€s. liling sha.€d lo!€ acc€r€raleslhis primary relationship- fepesled!communsl usualrydifi€G fron ehatever h€alingand closebondi.gof ahernalive is elled by individuals lf we are lo and then lie aboutitl lhe promolrng sharedreso!@s conlriburero rhis planefs as opposed to p vate clean-up, as we muslto suryive, thisc€nonlybe ownership. Rosponsibl€non-monogamyis in cordlnuum with lhis aim. While direcl experiencs greatest coded, t is natural to rega.d cultural condnioningas musl bs r€gaded as having lhe l€am€dflln naruEl- howeverthai doe8notmakeit lru€ Flrst here remainvaluableLes$nsto be the €4enen@s of othe.s. Not everyone will wish off,wemust€alisethatmonogamy isnol nal!€|. practicepolygany to e&lore lhis avenue peBonally, bLi ior thos€ Overhaltthewodds population out mo.e,resour@sare listsdal orothernon-fionogamous ionns.Theenlightonedwhowanllofnd pamphlet. the backof lhis

vis mightbe thal monogamywas €nforcedby mento keeprrackof'thei.off.pnngithat n sbms liom patnarchalconlrolprocessesinstitul€dafrer malepnesbEffhadcrack€dthe t€ninin€nyst€ry ot @n@ption(a la RianreEisleasfha chalice& Ire B/ade). lt canabo be Egardedas 6 control prc@ss by the clrurch and Btate,de8ignedto codainlh€ naluEllyd.oUc energie!or Eros Other@ltur$ enjoydilt€€nl noms whichwork rorihem- lor€xample lrgdilio. theirmousEskjmo of ofering hospitalitysex 10visilors,or lhe less wellknownGreekve€lonol lhis cusiomwhich visilorsin lnvolved th€ hGbandorallysnnulalinq anlicipationof the wia's d€lights So se rcally enrb6 €xpecred rorakeseriously rhemantEthat

Thereis a wealthol dala h€rewhichis not Easylo @me by so lwill liml myseltto povdirg a b.i€r summary ol a iew of ihe larger polylid€rtlous Ttu ninoleenlhenturyOneida @nimunity(13481881)in Amen€ is an exanple ot 3 connlne devor€d ro rhe pEoil@ ol non-possessivg love sryles. Believing mariiage lo be oppr€ssiv€ and sx liberaiing,exclusiw pait bondingwas he€ forbidden i. kvour of sexual tre€dom. Children lived ln a Chikrens hous€ and exclusive afiachment lo thsk biologi@l pa€nis was slrongly di@ulag€d (as in lhe 6ady lsraeli kibbuizim).

45

Holsewoft and c'thsr work was @lleclivised and p€riomed€quallybybolh gende6, rlheoneida Communily.. pracliced lh€ int.rchange ol husbandsand wires as a magickalpEclie, to give a greaterunit and spdloal slrenglhto the entiB @mmudv goup This was etcellenr magick. Th. climaxwas fo.biddenin lh€s€ 'ag8pe unions lo 6void ofispring conplicallons. B*use this@ngr€l was neld 0ndef bolh lh€ rules of c.mmunal lov6 and religlous aspiration thers was no resullanr ft$tElion bo€use of the absenceol clrnsx.'(LouisT Culling Sex Meg,c). By ihe time Oneid6 closed they had trvo hundred 6nd eighty-eight membeG6nd ran a highlysu@sstul busness. (For a moro detailed history ol ths oneida S@ss Conmlnity, see Sorua/ Coddrrlim,4 by sam AbEmson p.g€ s0).

srales Crh€,'A Mod€l). One of lhe AAO'S slogans was death to pai.bondingl'of @u6e. 6ven the Mo are nol Theywere lr€e ofvallejldgeme.ls and idgology.

(in 1977 al l€ast) selfidenlifi€d wilhReich We need to find the @nsdousiy andiookon boardmuchof his main causes of fear Madst ideology.They also exnlbrt s dogro€of homophobia and violence in some of iheir lileratlre betweenpeopte, However,in lhenp melhe MO a radical and exemplary understand them, s€re expgr'menlalcommunity.Like and develop a way the On€ida Commlnity the shutdown we€ €v6niually of living together on MO due to oulsrde pressure, osl€nsibly.elaling to then a new basis. porici€sof sexualfteedomtor children (3ee 'th6 Night B.loE chatisffi in HEAD7 lor frors inneplhdetailsof lhe MOs impnsongd folnder,OnoMuehl).

Thar sex and other inlimale behaviour is a powertul bodirg mechanism is .Mqrised by tho protusionot c€nlr€s d€diated to trarningp€opl6 in the kadition of osho (aka Bagw.n Shre6 Rajne4h). H6re rhe ideal is lo creato a therapeulic and loving environment whsre €jeclion and jealousy ar€ .asily handled or ce.s€ to b€c.me an issue.This is bealse;i61. one is qiwn the spacs and emolionallleedoh lo tuliy lhal express.nd wo* thrcughany consideralions do corne up and *@ndi on€ en bond deply to Euch a numb€r of people lhal lh. temporary 'loss of a lov€r is

lf everr.lhing is io be pll into qleslon, ihs everyihing eill includechildhood, whsr€mucn progEmming/ impndng oc.!rs, and s6xualily, whichls oilen a vehiclelor pogramning,and @n@h for a siely which en only enviege chiid sexualigin tsnns oi ab!s6 shouldnot prevenl necessadly lhis.Equally, weshouldnotb€ slrprised by sociely'sprediclableresponse Huma.s are sexualbein$, be lhey bsbi€s, Thisisobviously a children, adoles@nb orad!1t6. @ntentioG ar€a - howevsr,v/€ shoold never iorg€i rhat eac$ individual is lo be rega.dedas lh€ir own supremesovoreignand sole aurhorlty ove. their own bodyhind ' a concept tampled on by kneejerk mo.alisisand .buse6 alike.

there can be no suchthing as "unfrae" love. Love is always free and positive pioneering everything erseis a The @mmunard aspecl ot the vonlu€s is presenuy misunderstandingabove being vigorouslyexpressed n

The ab* i6 a vi€ion oI an erotjc cofifiunlly d€di€led to setl knowlgdge and self expr4sion. This model is also used by the Adions Analyrical Organls€llonlor onscious lile praris' or Mo who d€tined thonselveE th!8r an inporlanl social exD€nm€ntwilh @mmon ,rop6ny, ftee sexualily, @minon €conomy, direcl dsmocr€cy, conedive childr€n and spontanoous emolional self expr€ssion. The MO is not a ltopisn vision ot an i&al society,il is an €nding model fo. a new s@ial liie pfaxis. Th€ MO is the pEdi€l pro.r th6t it is pGsible to live together without agg.ossion.ndlh6 $€ otlrolene, whhoutsexual repression. The MO has be€n in exisiene lor elght y€B and at p€sent [1977] s00 people live in lhe 12 M orcuosIn Weslem EurcDeand the -4 6

Germanyand ebewherein -r rhe shape ot ZEGG (CentE lo. Erpe monlal Cultu6l D$isn) ZEGG,s € connuna ot 88 adulisand 12drildrenthathasbeond€volopi.g torthe Dastl5 veaB. We ne€dto findth€neln cawer of tedr and viol€nc€ b€nreen !€oolo, undersland then, and developa way ol living toqoth€r ona newbasis. At ZEGG,living logelhef itsef is a orocessof reso€rchand develoDmeni, wn€.e new sooal slrucllrr€sar€ put to lhe i6st. Anylhingcan be lded thal mighimaks lii6 more iniepsllng, moreliv€ly,dor€s€nsual

Therccannoibo pea@ belweennation€as long as lh€re ls war belween lhe sx€s we arc nol ir€e and no sodety is trce as long as row and s€rlality are suftourded by so mlcn pElene, phoniness, sllen@and lies No-oneis freeas long as our grearesilo.ging is p€rnanenllyiinkedto our grealesr fear A person is fr6e when he or 5h€ s able to love aod allowed lo love tEely ln 16c1, there can be no such lhing a6 unfree lov€. Lo@ s alwaF lr€e and everylhinq els€ 6 a

absurd inad€quacies that l6d people into aurhonlanan strucluEslikeguruworshipping.

of oou6e, lhe situsliohswe are mosl rikolylo encounier will Drobablvnol be in @mdunes d€di€led to *xual tr6€dom, but between a small nunber of voluntdryacqlainlan@s I re8llythink rhar beio6 w€ @n g6t on with olh€rs wilh less or the fips, €0o and un@n$Eus progbmmes,we need to have a $ns ol nol NEED1NOthem which comes ddn to 36ll r€lane and 3€rl knowledge.I suspecl that goupings ol p€ople An Aoerican prolocrwhichhas dev€lop€doul ol where !.inqs go badly wDng' ere groupingsot ZEGG i5 carledBalrhielnamed .fter th€ angel peoDle who are afiaid of a.d fleeing sell Balihiellromlh€ Teslamenlof solomon;lhs only k.owledgg Personally,Im l€ss into organited angelollhe sev€nplanelaryangelslo ov€r@me @mmuniti€s .nd rcre inio an organicJ taclau of lhe evil geni!6 ofJe8loosy, chaotic mod€l which acc€pls ehat happ€ns rhe entanql€m€nts and ZEGG have .amed lh6ir n€wsletler happ€ns (althoughtunctionalcommun'tesmay form therefrom). Whe.e '@mpsrsion' aner lhe word id€ologies and inlerpretive coined by the Kerisla fram4o*s aro dropp€da3 communty meaning the far as possibl6 in tarclr ot dkect €xp€riene. wherg morals bellEl on rssues Aswellastocusing expeclalions, elc, ar€ peBonal groerh, of [email protected]€d as o@6ion€l transpare.t@mmuni€lion op€rationalne@sdlies to opensexlalllya.d innovalive be pared down io lh6 Fmmunity building rhey

Feeling sexually open to other people is, to me, a metaphor of feeling open in other ways, of feeling free to be myseE without limits researcnar6as ot energy on how that openness physiei healrng:r€sonane technologyr lh€Y h.ve may manifest designedth€n owr non-

poll!1lnghealingsyslem;w.l€r tr€ahenl ladliy lsmg maBh plant5i and a 'non
as closo as pssible !o qnat

Holvever, whether polyfidelity ls pEcli€d In an organised group or amonqsl nors disparale indiv:duals: whelhgr it is lollowed as a lifeslyle choie or as ono option oul of a range ol loveslyles which ere adopted as end when appropriatei €sponsrble non-monogamycan empder us as inditduals and @mmunilies, pomoting 3 sonss of love, secunry and peBonal

Personaloxperiences

ZEGG providss an excellenl model of free sexualitywo{ng hemoniouslyin a ommunity, Llvinglhis li€8tyre has broughtmuch l€8mi.g rself dev€lopingand al the 3am€lme provLding pl€6sure, healing and €.stalic sex. Like any life eneqy and in@nllw ior developmentot other pdh n has also broughla fair deal of pain and relatedar6as ot human exp€d€n@ In thb way free setualily can be a powerlul sour@ ol ndvidualand golp ehpowern€nl. Innd $clal @ndilioningand the monogamyurus slrong in my!€ll. Bul when I try io live goups Ihe energyoi lhe 197ft may haw led io monogamouslyI notico my rcality ghrinking.I lke the MO belnq quile poshy,as in ihe osho bo€ne delensiv€and insde, I los€ my *lt@mhuns's€nensiveuse ol eihaBis and highly roliane a.d becomelnhappy aod despondef,t Most osho confontalionalencountertherapy. eventhoughlmaylhink monogamyis whal I wa.i. cenlres (especiallyai lh€ @nmune in Poona, I don't think Ih reduclngew.ylhing lo a sexuar India lossso ar the HollandanduKMultive6nies) its more than lhal lor me. Feeling ll level,becaus€ nowcon@ntrate on en€rgyworkand medilation. openand r€laling*xually can bo prsenlwilhout gol lhe ov€r redains to be seen whether we haw

47

.ece6sarily maniieslingphy8icallv Feellng showingwh€r€ lo b ng nore @nscious.ess_ sexuallvopen to oth€r peoplei3, to me, a aw.€ne$. vlhee il hurls ls where it needs a disappoinlme@n ead m€raphorol feeringope. in othorways,ot fe€rlng healingForexample, the unspoksnexpeclaiioNthat l6dio Ire6 ro be mvsolf without limiis on how that to id€nlrtying thai rpecilic hurl. Being may maniiestjust op€nness involv€d with nultiple panner, a6forlhe poss€ssive be a can Jealousy pann.rsmeansthe€5 moe non-sexual intimacy can 3nd triggertnenf€€lingsot 3€xual reality, but there's no intensiryso,wilh hon€sly poblensgurtae ewaeness, jealou3y.I sse theselevolsot reason to make it alh quic*lyand can be quEkly eachothor nlimaryminonng important and give it cl€ared.Thi! path can be whenIm se€mg power over one's life, hard lo work and ris Sometimes worlhil. Dealwilhil, detniloly mo.e lhan o.e pecon wilhit; ll l'm notdeallng innit. anxiols I te€ll6alous, s€rually sn.tor guily lheonlyway I knq ol d€.lingwith this is by locusing on my heE and now e4enen@ ol wnals happ€ning,as opposedto nind-lucking about possibl€ outcom€s which may never happ€n (bul whicn | 6uld msnifest by obsessivelv worryingand givinglhem ensrgyl).Jealousyen b€ a raliv, bul lhere'sno €ason to nak6 i al_ impo.lant ond gjve it pwer over on6's life l do have a l6ar ol abandonnentand heve to push ihrouqh that to b6 myselfi a constant proc€ss whichebbs and ids likethe tdes l€n usuallv keep srghlof lhe ractlhal il 6 bell€rror som@ng ro re6vo me than for Fe to make Fv6olr ni!6€ble by limiting and sad'icrng mvsefb ft in with whst they wanl or my intorpfelalion ot then expeclations - which could be disinterpreialions

Peopl. onen se€n very atiach€dio ih€n limitations and/orPain,andeould.ather for thls by avoidrosponsibilily blamingoth6fs.So if thsh parherlov€rperioms actions that€mindlh€mof lh€f huft (i€re.r or abendo.menl), they bl€meth€ olhor peGonror 'hurting themandonenavold

jl Im lsing €laiionshlp(s)lo avoid hy66rl il doesnr woiK.Mrhichis hd it shouldb€. m€lhrnks. | 96i the feling lhsl L'madjculaunglhe obvious, but these are rhi.gs that I keep hsvng lo ldon'l realiywanl to say allmonogamyls bad (do l?) lf we ch.0s6 monogamy conscDusly sometime,it shouldbe line of cou6s. The key issuetot me is choie. Are we re8llychoosingouf sd llveB,or a€ we bei.g run by pogrammesas usual? H@ much choice c€n we create? lf jealousyor fe is runnlngyour or my life- why? I like to r6iso lhese queetions lor myselt by expe m€ntingand seing whsl comes up. Alter all... I have lit e id€ oi who I an, what I wanl, wherel'm going,etc. Mlghla3 well play!

things work best when I'm willing to risk losing everything f6r the sake of being honest,

'Peoplo doing tl say'fherc is sonething rtugi@l abod this Iile'tyte to ne.. b6@uso n B liing an allanaAve, il s living a contadiclion to all lhe slandsftl prcqftnning and lha way lhal evatYone expects you lo b6. Wenev$ ,ou arc doing @mlhing lhat is elitrercnl fnn lhe nom,

dealingwith lhe flipsideol why ii hud6 While il thereis a nagb to it a tlaadon and a &nsa ot m6y be tue lhat lhe oth€r p€rsn has sone power I alwaystuve a feelng lhal il we can do even resoonsibilily, it's also likely lhat lhe present lhislhingthatis so doli@teandconpticat6
4A

The Potitics Qf Potg Love b9tomes Heddte

The vorioustorhs of responsible nonLike it or not, co-oFemlewith il or nonogony froh latex swinginglhrough r6isl it, o new clltlre i3 o-boming open tnorrloge to polyfideliiy ore bosed on baosphericethic of cogen rally iewed by propon€nts ond ond operotion, non-violence crilics olike 03 oberrotioB frcn the lrdn3gen€rolionolresponsibility.This cultu.ol nonn. Froh on evolufiomry ph€nohcnon is d survival rcsponse of vier/poinf, however,lhey hulnd|r body polilic to coll€ctively repr€sent Ow srycies nusl global whdt night b€ cdlled d learn to sharc atd demonds. The 'woxingnorh , sohe doy evolurionoryboltoh lihe to eclipse ihe wdning co-operate or it is lhis: Our species,nll3t nofin' of seriol honogdhy ,yill ,Dt suryive. leorn to shore qnd coond the fi$ion€d nucleor The rcfuml to operole - Pefson ro fqlrlily. to culture, participatc in the peBon,toculiure ndfioh. speci€s hotion The discovery, invention debilitatitE dnna io biosphere- or il will ond cr€otionof workoble, of the domirptor responsible socicl geoh€tri€scholl€ng€s f he maffiqe nodel is Th€ refusolto participata woning nonn of fhe an act of political in the debilitatingdromo po3s€s5ive/ dorniholor courage, a 'civil ol the dohinolor mqrriogenodel, ndlrioge nodel is dh dcl disobedierce' of politicol couroge, o tn thot s€ns€,responsible 'cival di3obedience, oh i3 o srrbversiv€ non-honogony oclivity. qwqkenang from the culturol throll. Polyfideliiyis o politicoloct. Livingollernoliv€fo.hs of r6ponsibl€, nutuolly nlrluring r€loiioBhlp is d The drive lo elininoi€ poss€ssiv€h€ss, creotiveact, liberotingfor oneselfond jealousy, monipulotion, olhers dhd an dffi.holion of 90ih. di.hon6ty, psychologicol ohd./or evolutionoryiniertion. physicolqbus., doubl€sloidords ond co-dependency fr.omihe ihstitutionof tndrriogeis inextricoblylihked1o th€ drives io rlilninof€ inJusfice, fhe tulitica Of Polv Love bf Jane3 exploiidfion,co.ruplion. pollulionqnd d€pleriohfrom our socidl. econohic, Heddle politicol, educotionol,industriol and ogricullurslinsliiutions. 49

A SUCC€sS SEruAL COMMUNISM AUR€A V€N€RA IGNOTA:TH€ ON€IDA CON}IUNtTYAND COITUSRESER\ATUS bvssA'Qns

Although there are dmld dlsnt B beglnninS to publbh. thc offcblgrib ar.d
of thc Oneld: Noy6 Rorrnsn, a d*ndant Comhunlty stirpi
proved that the abolition of selfishnessis possible.

'W. haE adhltE t lrd" the beSloDi,g ttBt dl h* pnn.ipl6 ln Ega/.] o propeav, lalat ad ,tw @uld nof b atle.l @t wldtout dE d.ttal e oul albtti@ of ehshB; to ttE otd awwedly stakcd @ the esw qEdon: C& @ be eftd tom sln k tht. wtld? Ahd ttE wodd lo<'klns d he Predktc.l \2nA Aua re lave su@4ed @r dowial| Annual Report of the Oneld. Community

or Anyone 1410 .€d5 throwh the *l
nE summary of lohn Humphrey Not6 the icundd. aner the braLup, We made a raid Into unknM ountry, charted lt, and retorn.d or
Trc hundrcd &d frfty lolks hapPlly engaged. h the tull Slare of publi.lv, ln a radlal
50

lhey published d€talled a
bratha out of dre teb.llion asn d th.ir ind.p.ndencc of Ele Aw.rnmst dd in han and spidt dishim€d allcAia@ to it.

by pliticians md clerg/men and freelance bigots in the midst of Wctodm Ameica, they suNivd for twenty-frve years, and were happy.

Ihey lnvlted vlsttoB .nd almGt *.ry dlstlngulsh€d peen who pats.d thek way (e.S. Henry J46) a<ep€d thet lnvitation to exmlne a. a$elatlon established on princlpls opposed at ev€ry point ro the insdtutids of the wo d", No wo.d.r that Anttpny Comsro
lnndatlons of the Oneida were r@t€d ln th.t reliaious lhet tubscriH to th. perE tlonlst her6y that @nslsts *.ddry of the bellef that rhe sdd @ming of Chnst hd alrsdy @ured and th6 we de llltng ln paradle. We qly ne.d to cohduct ou.*lv6 a@rdln8 to th€ ordinanc of lEvs' ln ord€r to rdllse that re are lilrna h paradi$, fic hahe Periectlonism signifig that huhans /are cpable of &hle!4ng p€rf€
llolB b€ame @nverted to thls view in la34 and rapldly derE€d, betwen actlvde !h the UnderE ound Ralk@d a.d the publicity tus qoked by Geleys publlatlon of his p.rMl de.laratlon of ln
It had long been one of the m6t .h.dsh.d tenets of p€rfectlonlsm that .nona the 'ord,M.6 of h@vcn' Sroup marnaA€ or fie love we one of the h6t lhpo.tant, ad Nor€s Fcllowe6 urged hlh to put this into pracd@. Bqt although he spedhenred with oth€r hewnly ddlM.6 of @mmuEl livlns, he tong rGlsted €ndGlng dept thory any qpenmenratlon. 'n sld Nor€s maiied in 1834. lt ws withln thls madage that h€ achiry€d hls mGt pro6ound ed stanln8 insights, whtn led drr4tt to ihe [email protected], that mad. the O.elda Commdlty pGslble dd whkh hpll6 m6t slgnn@t posslbllltles for us today. As mlsht b. €xpe
clev w.E 6y ihe sL(h y6r of the.ir mrlaae @mmutist ttut livlna In an e.ohl@lly ed Hanlet sually motuadous @mune had undc€de de dtrcne9 dffialt live blrth Novd dlf6.ult tdllbldt's dd L'ur qft€dev d
Hc rell undeBtood how h*h wE dep€ndent Su
lh thls partlolar, an.i rlgbt ous iicdom slr.nge sKl 4 Ida mY sem nN, how*r the tlme 6not b. dlstant s+tff anv other ldd or pra
There will not be peacein the v.orld as long asthere is war in love. There alsowill only be an ecologicalway of living once people understandand accepttheir inner natureand learn to culture of shareir The suppressiveand consumer/substirute the welfarecountriesis responsiblefor the current stateof the planel That makesthe developmentofa satisSing, consciousand responsibleway of living a key political issue. Commitment to both environmental(outer) questionsand inner human questionsneed to be addressedwith the same dedicationand creativityFtun a lsfld

!tudued

bv ZEGC, r Gcituo

@mmuniry C€nr.

lor DxperimedBl Cultut.l

D6ie.

1997,

in menandwomendifferprofoundly Sinceindividual theirfitnessfor one or anotherform of sexual marriaqemay haveto takevaryingnew association, wives, forms.Somewomen areby naturepatriarchal Lifelongmonogamyconstltutes othersarecourtesans. the mostpreciousthat lifecan the idealsex-relation, and special offer,but it callsfor specialqualiflcations effort.The beliefthat it is a 'natural'relation.foundedon biologicalfunctions,and that it can be leftto the operationof thosefunctions,is one of the spontaneous commonestcausesof itsfailure.lt is,on the contrary,a soclaloroductand a comDromlse. Frcmlhe MotherslryRobenBiffaut,I927.

Marriagesgo bust becausemost of us no longerhave extendedfamilies.When you marry somebodynorv,all you get is one person.I saythat when couplesfight, it isn't about moneyor sex or power.What they're really sayingis'you're not enoughpeople!' Ktrit Vonn€gut,'Z;acqr6&.'

Sex

Uroeta

TN

av A zo A Ls o (At the tin. of Mns

this,,4tu Ate tied as pa af tte Ubt a .amde

I would like to introduce you to four categories that I feel are the only choices of eexual conduct a\,ailable in today's society, outside of polyfidelity I'faithtuI to many", ie being part of a stable established group of partnersl. 1) Monogam], (serial) I believe that the shucture induces neurosis of isolation, and tends to make people lose sight of their Possessiveness, social skills. iealousy, and depressionstem from the structu.e. Ircecurity can easily set in ra/hen you mould your life arcund just one pelson with the relationship being personalitycentred and not ideal-centred.

in sd Freied)

3) Celibacy My own experiencein this lifestyle was for about two yea$. I had become involved with a lot of Eastem teachingswhen I iourneyed on this path. I becamea devotee of Paramahansa Yogananda and prescribedto the beliet that I could reach enlightenment only through strict discipline consistinS of a special cliet and being celibate. Purity was the goal. I think that it was a good way to go as far as gethng some persp€chve on my former sexual conduct, but I disagree with the Easiem lhought that physical attachment (sex) is evil. 4) Mastu$ation lantasies When I was a young teenager I tot into masturbatinS without even knowint what I was doing. After my first ejaculation I remember Boin8 down to the library to find ouf what happened and to make sure that everything was alriSht with me. I became sophisticated after a period of time and started to masturbate to pictures, envisioning that I was involved sexually with th€ images. Gettin8 my rocks off on fantasy sex object-p€ople.

2) Pmmiscuity "S€x without love" sums up this lifestyle. I was into it for a couple of yeals. I think the other people and myseiJ thought we were 3ecure in not gethng emotionally involved. A lot of us had b€en emotionally involved in other relationships,and the memory of the stickiness of emotions was too painful to wani to experience ever atain. One night stands are the extreme;promiscuity can consist of much longetlasting affairs, but still have ihe same basic non-attachment, non-commitment quality. 54

I believe those are our choices in society today for sexual conduct, exceptmaybe for thi.s€ who are into

not sayint that we have reached a depth wh€re we are no longe! growing. It is a trust level that deepens with the time we sPencl with one another.There is still some conditioninS I occasionallY deal Sex Within Love with that makes me think that I am There is a tenderness that we have not an equal, but I have enough for one another and it was iust the awareness that this is itrational other night that a phrase flashed paranoia to get through it- It is in through my thought screen: the this realm of equality that we can EMOTION OF EQUALITY. How ihe appreciate can we have love and beauty it is the commitnent to the without essence of each of bestiality. Now this bdngs us to the question of Sex In Utopia. Wlat mikes sex in Utopia $omething worth talkin8 about?

the ideals that enables

€quality?If there is us to give a depth of not that emotion of Our expeiiment €quality then we trust to one anotheL takes uB on a are goin8 to be Most ol into the unknown. ,oumey dealing r/ith insecurity that miSht joyous, a[ of it is going is very the manifest its€lf in the form of a just have to shed We chalen8ing. superiority and infedodty complex. itnomnce that layers of fear and the There is a commitment that we have and enjoy t1te accumulated we have together.The commitment is to our sun of of the shining innocence ideals and it is the commitment to tmst. Iearning, love and the ideals that enabl$ us to Sive a Editd iion Slif./^ U/OPI,{ depth of trust to one another. I am hy A2o Ahc krisi

Vill4e, Sm Fd.n@

at lhei( besLare a paLhto hiqher lntlmaLerelalionshlpe larqely conocioueneee and qrealer eell knowled4e, becaueeof the valuablefeedback- or mirroringeffect ' one receiveslrom a beloved,ts'avin4more than o1e parlner at a time not only increaeesthe available quanllty d teedback,iL also makes1l harderlo blarne yoor partner for the problemoyor ffii4ht be creaLinqin ln oLherwords,mulLiPle Lhe relalionship. ?artnerocan acluallyhelpyou becomea more ree?onoible Person. 55

RelatLot'.ahlp-, Loye Leteottoa-nd Love should be l.ee. NothinS ha< the potenhal to be more liberaiin8. Here we have the po$er to take more control of our liv€snnd not be as tied down by clocks and bosses. Yet most of the people I know hav€ reLationship. t!'at are more di$bling, co n f ir ungor abuli v e l h a n rh e i r ro b ! o r sch ool.

atealorray, tri rct -tLo[. B*E/ex-rrr btr -e,Ita.Ir p€sor, thar this person doesn l love you, that this person will never love you ;8ain or rhaLrtris person ir wing ro spite you Vore lilety rhis person is acting upon rh€ir desn;s that ;ay have tittle o; n;rhing to do wiih y"". a'. you " -ore unlikeableor undesirableDersonbecause t|1isone eer.on hr. chosin to teavevou a n d d o s;methi nsetse?

. . : l1 diliru arc rlwau lRerection '6 not a per.onar Mo ri P eoP r eI k no w \p Pn d r r" tatement abdur vou. j r rheir r,ves I acld upon or .lwaCr I a""" most of restraining themselles. I rltrratncJ rlrg crn onlg I beins or what 1oui" abour. b e cduqe ot c on.l frm rs l rc $ rl t i n rn fi a o d us. l l l can be the resul t of a they nare mao€ to rherr L _ _ _ _ _ : _ _ J larse amount of facror.. l o ver or t hem s e l v e s .T h e ru re . rh .v rh rt m av hdves;ethi ng ro do w i th you. wilingly fo ow usually mirror society's or have absoluiety nolhins to do with d se old r ut es re Bd rd i n B g e n d € r, v o u . R ei e.honand' j eal ou\)dreemohons relationships or love. Having sex or i5u1 neecr nor be sources oi e.eat b e i ng h lov e wir h $ mp o n € d o e s n o t u n h a ppi n€ss N or .houtd rhet be ihply ownerhip. We rre all reldtively irtemaiseo or cdst dside as chitdish or fRe soulsina happed envircnment, ard somethins io be embarassed abolt. w e a l hr v e m ulr ipl e d e q i rew s h r.h c rn b e R e j e di on;nd j edl ousydre redt. i rtense d ctc d on or r es ha i n e d . Il d e " i re s d re € mo ti o n5 B ur bv l ooti ns at l hem alhays rcl.d upon or aiMy\ r.strained dlrouSh open eye. ond .rt, ,n op"" they c6n only re61ntin unhappjness. mind they need not be debij}aring. Jealousy is a reality. There is no equality The act of s€xual intercou.je in itsetf will yet in our modern society.lealousy is an nor significanrly emotionally tiberare e\tensior oi whrr vou f-:- ;- - : - - - - -l anvone. Onlv ,(c€prins rhi.t vou hrvp. whar you i rh? rcr or rlfuar i'rc'couilr ion;berr ro, *i"t you ,i rhial need to hdte, I in iltlll will ror iqnilicarllg twhite conrinuing to 'ou chanSe the acl helv ro I '' z aauonc.

how you reei

lou dream

yo ur s elf .lf v ou ad "u.''L3'l'l'lulYl---rdo,he,h,nqs upon o r d o i nS w i l l l i berdre)our" eri from pai . and atkck or hurt someone and alienarion. I cannor say and wi iealousy bp(auseol your own alienatioaor inger. never sdv that I am free ot ihe intense you are most lilety forgetting that emorions ried to lole dnd retdrionqhip. neither you nor fhey can t uly own that Dossess €ve one. I can sav I am another person rn a r€lationship. It two happier hhen terp,*r ae,ire, trely p 6 p le ar e ha\ ing a re l a ti o n .h i po frh e rr a n i t c anaccept;eatou,1 -v,.,1* ;" " ri ." own volition, it does .ot nec€ssa.ily real and never som€thine to make a" , m€an thrl you had nothing wiih this importanr. -

, FaEa tw

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rf

yi ^m
ltu[n0,r, fu,**rr*u^ A close friend of mine hasgotten case that maniage is outmoded engagedto be maried - which has and anachronistic.They make got me thinking about love and valid points and they are matrimony (as such eveffs are completelyconecl ftom thek own wont to do) and pointsofview. Maniage, like whether or not the entire institution of much of what we Howev€r, what so marriage has any do on this planet many peopie forget relevance left. is that when can be sacrcdUltimately I decided someone makes a can have true that it's a personal choice (or in this choice. Marriage, meaning - if those case wnen two likemuchofwhat we people make a involved in it are do on this planetcan choice) that does be sacrcd - and can t|illing to invest it nobody and nothing have aue meaning - rrith such meaning. else any harm ifthoseinvolvedin it whatsoever, and are willing to invest it with such results in them being happier for meaning.Phil andMaddy feel that it, then they have made the right there is something special about choice.And therethe discussion marriage.I wish them all of the ends, happinessin dre world, something that they most certainly deserve. Marriagemay not be right for me, it may not be righl for you, but it's But, as I said, the engagement sure as hell right for my two sentseveraltrains of thoughton liiends, andthat - dearreaders- is joumeys their winding tbrough the only thing that matters. Iny mind. Ultimately it was the onethat endedat PersonalChoice fiod Aeadr d lal€r ftasuift issue3, 196. uponwhich I boughta ticket. I've heard a lot of people argue the

/\arria{a youshallb€for avef'nore aqJtoE€tiP| YouuorelorQloqeuPr. You6hallM to!€liPiuihal)tlP u/hiteuif)qsof deatiseatleryo$ &y6' of tine |ys. you6hallb€togetlprever)if fl'PsileDtnoaory it yodrto9etlPQe66. BullettiPfohesPao@6 hohl,ee\yoo. laDoe RDdlel theuiDdsof tfo lPaveD6 butm4e ?ota bol)/of love: l.oveoqea0otlPll of you|beiDq ttP5hore6 Lea aouiqq6eabehroaD Letit rather oths|seq L{l dfir/(qolfro/l o[)o08P. Filleaoh of yourlrsadbut?atqotffon 0P sa e loaf' CiveoDeaDoflPr olp oJyoubealoD€ Siqqa|)d/a4aetogetlPfa b€joyo{s.botlel eaeh Evetasflp 5fiqg6of a hle ar?alo|pttp{qt/tlPyguivef\uifl?tlP ea e rruEie Giveyou lPafio.bull)oliDtoeaehotlPr'6(eePiry. yourlpart6. tor o?lylhehatdof {fe eaqeoDlaiQ toq€$P|y€fQottooDea|toPuPr: irld 6ta0d aPari Forttp Pillarsof ttP lertPle6ta0d qro\uqoti0 eaohotlPr66hadov' lld lheoq heeald tl'PcyPr86€

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