Root Of All Hatred_scribd Edit

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The Root of all Hatred Book One of One Above and Seven Below contains 320 pages and I spent every one of those pages discussing the what, the who, and the why of the chareidi beast. I should hope that by now I have successfully addressed the question posed in the Introduction to Book One: “Who is a chareidi and who are their brethren?” It is now time to turn our attention to the other primary question that was posed in that chapter: “Why are the chareidim hated and shunned?” Let us take a closer look at hating and shunning (just try not to get too close). Many of us are familiar with the following Jewish Folklore joke: A Nazi soldier confronted a Jew on the street. “Tell me, Jew, who is to blame for this war?”, he asked in a menacing tone. The Jew was no fool. “The Jews”, he said, “and the bicycle riders.” The Nazi was perplexed. “Why the bicycle riders?” “Why the Jews?”, answered the Jew as he hurried off.

Sadly, hatred was not vanquished along with the Nazis. There is no doubt that this joke can be updated to modern Jewish society (at least, here in Eretz Israel): A secularist confronted a chareidi on the street. “Tell me, Yankele, who is to blame for our rotten economy?”, he asked in a menacing tone. The chareidi was no fool. “The chareidim”, he said, “and the falafel vendors.” The secularist was perplexed. “Why the falafel vendors?” “Why the chareidim?”, answered the chareidi as he hurried off.

Now, some readers may look at what I just wrote and say, “Yeah, I guess Hirshman’s right. Same old game, just new players.” Yet, I have no doubt that other readers are thinking, “Hold on, there! The Nazis were a motley crew and they persecuted the Jews for no good reason. But here, there is probably some truth to it. If the chareidi hadn’t hurried off, he would have gotten an earful from the secularist on ‘why the chareidim’.” I suppose he would. Accordingly, these readers may feel that the secularist was within his bounds. Is this true, or is he no more justified than the Nazi? I would say that this depends on what he is trying to achieve. If his aims are the same as the Nazi’s, then it carries the same justification – no more, no less. If they are of a more noble intent, then, perhaps, there is just cause. I expect that most readers would agree that the Nazi was motivated by feelings © 2007-9 Yechezkel Hirshman

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of hatred. He wanted to display this hatred to the Jew. Additionally, he wanted to get the Jew to acknowledge that he is accountable for being hated. On this note the Jew was a bit less than accommodating. My guess is that the Nazi did not walk away with a sense of satisfaction. What are we to think about our secularist friend? What is his intent? If this was his motivation as well, then, to justify it at any level is a justification for fueling and fanning the flames of hatred. One thing is certain – the secularist in this story did not initiate this exchange because he felt like discussing the falafel vendors. Hatred is a contagious disease (and it can be hereditary). It is always treatable, but the uncooperative patient usually does not respond to treatment. Like all diseases, in order to treat it, we must first be able to identify it and diagnose it properly and we must understand what causes it. In short, we must know: •

What is hatred?

•

What are the symptoms of hatred?

•

What are the causes of hatred?

And finally: •

What are the possible remedies?

Shall we begin? What is hatred? Psychologists tell us that hatred is a feeling of loathing toward another entity that comprises one or more of the following emotions: anger, jealousy, fear, and prejudice. This means that if somebody hates chareidim (or anybody else), it must be because the chareidim cause him to be angry, jealous, frightened, or – the venom of prejudice – the chareidi is truly not doing any of the first three but the hater thinks he is. In truth, we don’t need psychologists to tell us this. The Chumash tells us the exact same thing. Let us learn about hatred from a real legend, one of the alltime all-star professional Jew-haters, Pharaoh, King of Egypt: And he said to his nation, “Behold, the nation of the Children of Israel are more numerous and powerful than are we. Let us outsmart them, lest they multiply, and it shall be when a war should befall us and they will join forces with our enemies and battle against us and we will be banished from

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One Above and Seven Below the land.”1 …and they were in loathing on account of the Children of Israel.2

And what initially triggered this hatred? And the Children of Israel were fruitful, and they scurried about, and they multiplied, and they gained strength to a great extent and the land became filled with them.3

Pharaoh and his nation hated the Jews. This hatred was fueled by the two4 primary emotions that I mentioned above: Jealousy - Behold, the nation of the Children of Israel are more numerous and powerful than are we. Fear - Let us outsmart them, lest they multiply, and it shall be when a war should befall us and they will join forces with our enemies and battle against us and we will be banished from the land. I might add that there are indications of prejudice, as well. Prejudice means opinions that are formed based on unsubstantiated ‘facts’.5 Pharaoh ‘justified’ his hatred by declaring that the Israelites are “more numerous and powerful than are we”. This is hard to substantiate for if one population is both “more numerous” and “more powerful”, how can a smaller and weaker population enslave them? Obviously, Pharaoh’s imagination was running amok and, as is often the case, once one’s imagination loses its grip on reality, there is no limit to how far it can go. Thus, the unfounded doomsday prediction, “and it shall be when a war should befall us and they will join forces with our enemies and battle against us and we will be banished from the land”. Traditionally, Jewish citizens of the various nations have proven to be exceedingly loyal to their host countries and to serve as the most patriotic of soldiers. There is no basis to assume that this would not have been the case if ancient Egypt was facing a national crisis. Furthermore, logic dictates that if a given population is disenfranchised and persecuted by its host, it is that 1

Exodus 1:9,10 Ibid. 1:12 3 Ibid. 1:7 4 In this example we do not encounter the anger component. I believe that jealousy and fear are much more prevalent in general. Notwithstanding, we do not have to search too far to find a Biblical precedent for hatred based on anger. This is the driving force of Esau’s hatred as the verse says (Genesis 27:41) And Esau begrudged Jacob on account of the blessing that his father blessed him; and Esau said in his heart…and I will kill Jacob my brother. 5 Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary (www.merriam.com) says: Prejudice - An adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge. 2

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much more likely to rebel and turn against the unfriendly host given the opportunity. Thus, though Pharaoh’s reasoning defies logic on two counts, imaginary fears tend to hijack rational judgment. Not only does Pharaoh get infected by this affliction, but he manages to infect his entire nation.6 Symptoms It is not necessary to state that the symptoms of hatred are quite easy to recognize. As it is one of the most common afflictions of mankind, we see them all the time. These include (aside from the usual headaches, nausea, shortness of breath, palpitations, dryness in the mouth, and hives): intolerance, withdrawal, complaints, criticism, blaming, accusation, domination, and, in the most extreme situations, violence. Hm-m. What is the difference between the list I wrote out and the one that is enclosed in parentheses? Oh, I am sure it is quite obvious. The parenthetical list comprises afflictions that physically affect the person that does the hating. The one that is hated won’t feel a thing. The open list comprises afflictions that affect the relationship between the hater and the hated. And they are felt primarily by the hated. The hater is oblivious to them. The symptoms of the parenthetical list may be indications of any of a whole slew of maladies. But the symptoms of the open list – all of them - are indications of only one type of malady: a damaged relationship between people. And these symptoms are perpetrated by those whose goal it is to inflict such damage. Each and every one of these symptoms is an instrument of destruction; they will maim or destroy any potential relationship. True, they are not equally destructive - some of them may be relatively mild and others are totally devastating (I kind of arranged them in order of severity); yet, they are all symptoms of the same malady. The ‘choice’ of symptoms that is being put into effect merely reflects the intensity of the affliction. Lest one may think, “Just because I am critical or prone to blaming this person does not mean that I hate him. I certainly wish him no harm.” It makes no difference.7 Certainly you truly wish him no direct harm, but you are hell-bent on destroying any kind of healthy relationship. A vengeful hatred is only a more acute strain of

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I am obviously interpreting the scripture from a modern day perspective – that all despots are really paranoid. There is a more fundamental understanding of the scripture that Pharaoh never lost control of his wits and he was quite aware that his concerns were unfounded. In typical anti-Semitic fashion, he was consciously inciting his people to cooperate with his plans to enslave the Jews. 7 There is no demarcation point where mild ill feeling toward someone ends and virulent hatred begins.

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the selfsame disease where, in addition to the relationship, the hater is out to destroy the hated as well. What we understand from this is that any voluntary course of action which serves to damage an existing or potential relationship between people is a display of hatred. This list of symptoms is very significant because it is intended to be the focal point of many of the upcoming chapters in the remainder of this book. I intend to come back to this list and to elaborate on how some of these symptoms characterize the relationship between chareidim and nonchareidim (Orthodox and otherwise). Causes What causes hatred? Yes, of course, we did previously discuss anger, jealousy, fear and prejudice and we may even be able to throw in some extras such as feelings of guilt, shame, frustration and inadequacy, but all of these are actually components, not causes, of hatred. The question is, what transforms human emotions into anger, jealousy, fear, etc. and ultimately into hatred? As Tevye the Milchman said: “That I can answer in one word” – Unhappiness. Yes, unhappiness! (It’s a tradition!) If someone is happy with himself and with how he gets along with the important people of his life, he has no motivation to hate anybody. Happy people do not hate. It is only unhappy people who choose to hate other people because they feel that it is the other person’s fault that they are unhappy. If only the other person (or people) would not continue to do what he does, would do something else, or wouldn’t be here at all, the poor oppressed hater [presumes that he] would be happy. Alas, now that that person won’t stop doing what he does, or won’t do what I want him to do, or won’t go away, and all this is making me quite unhappy, I am justified to hate, detest, abhor, loathe, dislike, shun, spurn, hold in contempt, despise, disdain, deride, ridicule, fault, blame, criticize, condemn, malign, vilify, denigrate, disparage, deplore, or at least decide that I won’t be best friends with this evil uncooperative demon.8 This concept is not my own. It is modeled from a popular thesis in human behavior developed by Dr. William Glasser, M.D., founder of the William 8

Incidentally (and sadly), this is how many people feel about their spouses, children, teachers, and/or parents.

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Glasser Institute. He calls his thesis Choice Theory and he calls the resulting application Reality Therapy. I cannot do justice to this thesis in the few lines that I can allot to this discussion, but if I may, I will try to briefly summarize his assertion. Dr. Glasser posits that we live in a world that is driven by what he terms external control. Here is what he means: Human beings are similar to animals in that they are constantly in search of satisfying their physical needs for survival and physical comfort. In addition to this survival need, humans are unique that they have strictly human emotional needs – for love and belonging, power and respect, freedom, and fun.9 Every individual has his own profile of what measure of each of these five basic needs is essential for his well being. For example, some people have a very strong need for power and respect and not so much for fun and freedom. These people may become workaholics and control freaks. They may not have much spare time for themselves, but they don’t miss it. Others may have a strong need for love and belonging and not so much for power. These people will be loyal and submissive and yet be content. There are myriad combinations. Each person creates a picture in his mind of what would be for him the ideal society and environment based on his personal needs and interests. Glasser calls this a person’s quality world. This quality world is an imaginary place in which all of one’s needs are met to his satisfaction. Thus, it is natural that every person goes about his business doing his utmost to make his real world come as close as possible to his quality world. Perceivably, this is what would make him happy. For most people, the real world never comes close enough. And so he is unhappy. The individual subconsciously tries to determine what is going wrong and his subconscious reaches a natural conclusion: the reason that he cannot attain his quality world is because his quality world is his own. The people with whom he interacts – his spouse and his family, his co-workers, superiors and underlings, his neighbors, government official and authorities, or perhaps, his clergymen and co-religionists - do not share his personal quality world. They each have their own. Their lack of cooperation in his quality world is what is making him unhappy. The question now becomes: what must he do to rectify this discrepancy? The natural answer is to exert whatever influence is available to cause others to participate in the attainment of his personal quality world. In other words, get the other people to behave as he wants. This is what Dr. Glasser calls:

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Dr. Glasser defines fun as any activity driven by the desire to learn something new.

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external control - the endeavor to control the behavior of someone other than one’s self.10 Theoretically, external control is the simplest solution to attaining happiness, i.e., realizing one’s quality world. So it would make sense to implement it except for one minor snag: it almost never works.11 This is because one can never control another person’s behavior. But, being that most unhappy people are not aware of this fact, this does not stop them from trying. Dr. Glasser writes that most people maintain an external control psychology that comprises the following sequential set of beliefs:12 1.

I answer a ringing phone, open the door to a doorbell, stop at a red light, or do countless other things because I am responding to a simple external signal (i.e., my response is not by free choice but rather that the signal compelled me to do it. – YH).

2.

I can make other people do what I want them to do even if they do not want to do it. And other people can control how I think, act, and feel. (In other words, people have the ability to control others. – YH)

3.

It is right, it is even my moral obligation, to ridicule, threaten, or punish those who don’t do what I tell them to do or even reward them if it will get them to do what I want. (In other words, to the extent that I can control somebody else, I have the right to do it. – YH)

Thus, people resort to external control techniques of reward and punishment, coercion, and brute force. All this, in an attempt to realize their quality world and thereby relieve their misery. But Dr. Glasser illustrates that belief #1 is wrong. We are not compelled to respond to external signals. We choose to respond to external signals and we can choose to respond differently. Consequently, belief #2 is wrong. We cannot control other people because they have the choice to choose from whatever responses are available.13 Belief #3 is not necessarily contingent 10

I suppose that this is what others call “manipulation”, but for Choice Theory, Dr. Glasser’s terminology is more precise because it insinuates external as opposed to internal or selforiented control. I will stick to Glasser’s terminology most of the way through. 11 It can be argued that it used to work. That is, that in days of yore, people had a higher level of respect for authority – wives for their husbands, children for their parents, students for their teachers, and workers for their superiors. Those days are gone. The past few centuries driven by emancipation and liberal notions have certainly leveled the playing field and have brought chutzpah to new heights. This was predicted in the Talmud tractate Sota 49b and even by the prophet Isaiah 3:5. 12 Glasser, William, M.D. Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, Harper Perennial, 1998, p. 16 13 This does not say that external control is always impossible. Brute force is often effective. This is because “to force” by definition means to coerce an outcome by eliminating all other alternative outcomes. Thus, a person can be left with “little or no choice”. Still it is rare to

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upon the first two, but it is a natural attitude of one who subscribes to external control psychology. What emerges is that not only are all three beliefs patently false, but as concerns the first two beliefs, the exact opposite is true. We can only control our own behavior, we cannot control another’s behavior. When undesirable events, i.e., things that interfere with our quality world, befall us, we are naturally unhappy. Thus, we believe that the events made us angry or jealous or fearful. Dr. Glasser maintains that although our natural impulse is to ‘get’ angry or jealous or fearful, we don’t passively become angry as if we are not in control. Our own behavior is the only department in which we are indeed in control - we choose to be angry. Glasser actually dispenses with the transitive term “get angry” and replaces it with an active term “anger”. We are unhappy about this situation and so we choose to anger, or- we choose to envy (active tense of being jealous), or- we choose to fear, or- we choose to depress (in contrast to becoming depressed). Ultimately, we choose to remain unhappy and accordingly, as we do not acknowledge this to be our personal choice and we look toward others as the sole source of our unhappiness, we choose to hate. This is our behavior and we can control it and nobody else. Accordingly, says Dr. Glasser, when one is faced with a situation that conflicts with his quality world, and external control doesn’t seem to work, as is often, though not always, the case, it doesn’t make sense to continue implementing a remedy that has not worked until now. It is far more sensible to shift gears and to see what he can achieve by modifying his own behavior. This means that a person who is unhappy because of the way that reality conflicts with his picture of a quality world has two options that are totally within his control: •

Change what he does – i.e., his own behavior – toward achieving his quality world OR

•

Change his picture of a quality world to something more realistic.

Sadly, very few people are students of Choice Theory (Dr. Glasser laments about this repeatedly in his writings). So the story is usually the same: external control minded people – i.e., most of us – are adamant that their have absolutely no other choice. Moreover, one who must control with brute force is “enslaved” by the necessity to implement it. I call this the “Elevator Door Syndrome”. If one wishes to hold up an elevator, he can do it with ease by putting his hand against the open door. The only problem is that he is stuck standing there for all the time that he wants to show the elevator who is boss. The minute he tires and removes his hand, the elevator reverts to its original behavior. Similarly, brute force, even when it works, it is usually temporary and at a price. The Nazis were so taxed by their policy of enslavement and extermination that they expended critical resources that were vital to military success. Thus, their frenzy to dominate their rivals dominated them.

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relationships with the people who affect their personal quality worlds must function on their terms. When it doesn’t, they try to remedy the situation by exerting control techniques – reward or punishment, sheer domination, or harassment in the form of criticism and blame. If that doesn’t work or it is beyond their capabilities, they cut these people out of their quality world by withdrawing from them or discriminating against them (intolerance) or by doing away with them – murder. Regardless, the subject has come no closer to realizing his quality world and therefore remains unhappy. All that he accomplished was to damage or destroy a relationship that was potentially vital to his well being. Now we understand what causes hatred – it is the inability to control or influence the behavior of people who do not help one realize his personal quality world. We have also learned something else. We have learned that all of the symptoms of hatred that I described a few pages back are actually commonly used techniques of external control. Hateful people are fixated on controlling the behavior of the people who, in their opinion, are not ‘behaving’. Note that this control is totally independent of the need for ‘power and respect’ that was listed earlier (page 6) as one of the five basic needs that may or may not be a vitally essential component for the quality world of the individual. Even one who has a low need for power and respect but has strong unfulfilled needs in other areas – for example, freedom or pleasure (survival) – is interested in controlling the behavior of relevant people to comply with the demands of his needs. Now, we can better understand Pharaoh’s concerns. Pharaoh was only interested in hosting the Children of Israel insomuch as they are instrumental in helping him achieve his quality world (which probably involved a lot of power and respect). Pharaoh had to be in control. It is very likely that the Israelites were no more numerous than Egypt but they very likely were more powerful - albeit not in a physical sense. They had their own agenda, their own quality world; and it did not match Pharaoh’s. It wasn’t so much that they could overpower or control Egypt but that Egypt could not overpower or control them. That level of power – the autonomy of the Jews - was more than Pharaoh could tolerate. They “are more powerful than we” – i.e., we cannot control their behavior, and consequently, they have more power than we can manage. And so, Egypt embarked on a campaign to disempower the Jews and to augment their own power. Their message was: “We will defeat them before

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they defeat us.”14 And how does this drama end? Ki ba sus Pharaoh… “For Pharaoh’s horses with their chariots with their riders came to meet the sea…”15 In a frenzy of hatred they took their best [remaining] chariots, soldiers and horses and, of their own volition, rushed headlong into a raging sea. Pharaoh’s imagination became a self fulfilled prophecy. All because he thought there were too many Jews hanging around. And he never bothered to count. Pharaoh is in good company. The Tanach (and, indeed, history) is replete with stories of hatred, all of which are composed of the same basic elements: (1) a protagonist who does not comply with the quality world picture of a seemingly higher ranking or more powerful antagonist and (2) an antagonist who resorts to external control techniques in an attempt to compel the protagonist to cooperate in fulfilling his (the antagonist’s) personal needs or, alternatively, to totally remove the protagonist from his quality world. In all of these cases most observers would agree with the statement: the antagonist hates the protagonist. To help visualize this concept, as well as to lighten up an otherwise somber chapter, I invite the reader to sit in as an observer of a day in the life of a Biblical psychotherapist. We are about to witness the most popular external control techniques, a.k.a. symptoms of hatred - intolerance, control by punishment, control by reward, domination, and murder – put into action. Here goes: Therapist:

Miss Lillith, please admit the first patient! Well-l-l, if it isn’t his majesty King Nimrod! What seems to be the trouble, O Mighty Lion? You don’t seem your chipper self today!

Patient:

The Mighty Lion has a thorn in his paw.

Therapist:

And who might this thorn-in-the-paw be?

Patient:

A disloyal subject.

Therapist:

An oxymoron, your Highness. Who could even think of defying you?

Patient:

He calls himself Abram of the Opposite Direction.

Therapist:

Not a team player, is he?

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Sound familiar? This is the message that Noah Efron paraphrased into Tommy Lapid’s party line as was noted in chapter n. See page y. 15 Exodus 15:19

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Patient:

Not in the slightest.

Therapist:

What’s his game?

Patient:

He claims there is an unseeable almighty G-d who created the entire universe and basically runs the whole shooting match.

Therapist:

Ridiculous! Well, if this “G-d” is unseeable we can simply ignore Him, can we not?

Patient:

Not really. This fellow’s been acting up lately.

Therapist:

How so?

Patient:

His father went on a business trip and left him minding the store. By the time poppa got back, every idol but one was in bits and pieces. Kid claims that the big one smashed the rest of them. Poppa kinda slipped up and remarked that the idol can’t do that. Kid says, “Ah-ha! So you admit these things are powerless!” Now people are talking. If this thing gets around, you know, no good for business.

Therapist:

So, his Majesty is not interested in competition, is that it? How do you usually handle competitors?

Patient:

Never had one.

Therapist:

Well there were those fellows that didn’t cooperate on that tower project weren’t there?

Patient:

Oh yeah, these guys were missing the team spirit; it was like they were talking a different language. In any case, these guys didn’t follow the safety rules. Most of them got involved in ‘work accidents’. Quite unfortunate.

Therapist:

What about those towns out West that stopped paying their taxes.

Patient:

They are just a bunch of ignorant boors who cannot seem to understand the social value of the tax system. For that reason, I am sending a specially trained group of tax collectors. These fellows have a way of explaining things.

Therapist:

So I’ve heard. Does this Abram fellow pay his taxes?

Patient:

On time.

Therapist:

What about following safety rules?

Patient:

Except for the first two.

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Therapist:

Correct me if I am wrong, your esteemed Majesty, those would be (1) the Mighty Lion is the King and (2) there is no other King. So, our thorny friend refuses to acknowledge these two unshakable principles?

Patient:

He seems to have a slightly different version.

Therapist:

Well then, perhaps there will be no one to fault but himself if he were to encounter a ‘work accident’. What line of work is he in?

Patient:

Education - not an accident prone field. Besides, an accident would not be in my best interest. People may misunderstand and others may take his place.

Therapist:

You could cut off his state funding.

Patient:

I’d like to cut off a lot more than that. But he’s got a privately funded institution; doesn’t take a dime.

Therapist:

But even so, he must comply with the state’s curriculum.

Patient:

He assures me that he spends a great deal of class time discussing everything about our wonderful King. Now, I have a real strong hunch that he doesn’t mean me, only it’s been impossible to prove.

Therapist:

Well, haven’t you sent him some ‘students’ from the Nimrod Knowledge Verification Department?

Patient:

You mean the NKVD? Yes, I’ve sent throngs of them. Next thing you know they are all at the camel stations handing out candles and kerchiefs to the women and tying up the men with black leather boxes. Not one ever came back to report.

Therapist:

But is he not required to abide by the rules of the Teachers Union?

Patient:

He’s been turning down the membership. Says he doesn’t need the benefits.

Therapist:

What does his Royal Highness’s union chief usually do with people who refuse to be a member?

Patient:

He dismembers them.

Therapist:

So, why not now?

Patient:

Like I said, people are talking. We can dismember him but that won’t take care of his unseeable G-d. I want to see his

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entire ideology go up in smoke. Therapist:

Perhaps his Eminence oughtn’t be so dominating. Maybe it would help if you showed him a little warmth, if you try to meet his ideas with a bit of fiery enthusiasm.

Patient:

Yes, you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t try to force him to see things my way just because everybody else does. Maybe I should leave him alone in a well-lit quiet spot and see how things heat up. The more I think of it the better I feel.

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Well then, O Great One. That sums it up for now. Please come back next week and let me know how things went. And, oh, as usual, this session is on the house. Next patie…What is that Miss Lillith? Urgent call on Line 3? Sounds a bit frantic? Alright, I’ll take the call. Hello! – Yes, Mr. Caine. How are you? – Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. – Your younger brother, huh? – Yes, you already told me that you think he is just so much hot air. - Yes, I see. You just couldn’t manage to get your offering to score points and – Ah-ha. He could do it and you just weren’t Able. – Please, Mr. Caine, you must calm down and try to relax. Perhaps, if you only improved the way you… – Uh-huh. Others have been telling you that lately? Well, maybe… – OK, OK. Just please calm down. What if you just had a nice talk… - You did? What was it that you said to your brother? – Nobody is supposed to know? Well, your secret is safe with me. Now, now, please, try to control yoursel… - What was that? He makes you want to just… – No, Mr. Caine, you can’t be serious. That will solve nothing. You must consider the conseque… – Mr. Caine, I beg of you, let’s not start a mutiny, please just take a deep breath and relax. Even if you were to “get away with it”, as you say, you must realize that you would be ostracized from society. You would become a drifter, marked for life - Mr. Caine, may I suggest an emergency appointment? Can you be in my office at 4:00? Very well. In the meanwhile, just lie down and rest and don’t speak with anyone, especially your brother. You need not be your brother’s full time watchman. See you at 4:00, then? OK, good-bye. Miss Lillith, this client is quite distraught and I am concerned that he may do something irrational. Please alert the proper authorities and you may admit the next patient. Ah yes, Mr. Lavan deCheat. It’s been what – about six years since you came to me last? And, how are you today?

Patient:

Not as good as yesterday!

Therapist:

And what seems to be the problem?

Patient:

It’s my son-in-law, again. He ran off on me just when I was trying to get the upper hand.

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Therapist:

Would you like to tell me about it?

Patient:

Well, you know how it’s been these past twenty years. Just like I told you, this fellow comes to visit me without a dime. He didn’t even bring a bottle of wine for Shabbos. Now, I see a great opportunity here. I’ll get this guy to run my business, do the dirty work. You know, work myself up on his shoulders. I was just afraid that right after I show him the ropes, he’ll bolt on me and go into business for himself. So I had a great plan to pin him down for a while: promise him one daughter for seven years of labor, then, when the seven years are up, I’ll pull the old bride switcheroo and get him to put in another seven years for his beloved. I figured that by then he’ll forget all about his home town and he’ll be my personal sheep dog. I even threw in two extra daughters to make sure he stays put.

Therapist:

Yes, yes. I recall you told me all that at our last session.

Patient:

Well, would you believe that after the fourteen years the ingrate wants to pack up and leave? After all I’ve done for him! He says, “What do I have to stick around for? You never even gave me a share in the business.” Come on, four wives aren’t enough? Now, I’m a bit worried because my boys who have been partying around all this time don’t really know how to run this business, they would just run it to the ground.

Therapist:

Of course, Mr. deCheat. There is no need to go over the details from six years back. We did set a strategy then, did we not?

Patient:

Yes we did. We decided that I should give him a piece of the business, just nothing to get excited about. He’ll get all the freaks and rejects, which there won’t be many of cuz all of my sheep have been coming out white as snow. That’ll keep him in the fold without a controlling share.

Therapist:

So how did that work out?

Patient:

Not like I expected. All of a sudden, freaks and rejects were in high demand. Nobody wanted a white sheep anymore. And - would you believe it? – all the first bred sheep were coming out speckled and striped and only the second litter was white. He was making a mint on my account.

Therapist:

So what did you do?

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Patient:

Like any self respecting businessman, I demanded to renegotiate the terms. I thought that would rile him up.

Therapist:

And what did he say?

Patient:

He said, “No problem. You just call ‘em.” I said, “How about you just taking the patchy ones with striped feet.”

Therapist:

And?

Patient:

The guy didn’t flinch. Three weeks later he’s walking around with a whole flock of patchy ones like that. I told him that I didn’t really mean patchy like that, I meant speckled ones with patches on the ankles. Three weeks later – Voila! A new flock just like we said. I changed the deal again but now I’m getting a bit suspicious so I send some of my boys to spy on him. They tell me that he’s been taking wooden sticks and putting stripes and spots on them and sticking them over the troughs. Ah-ha! So now I really give him a tough one – brown sheep with white patches at the shoulders, stripes on the legs and a speckled tail. Let’s see him do that with those sticks. All he says is, “No problem.” And three weeks later, there they are. Man, I must have done this 100 times. He’s got the craziest looking sheep that anyone has ever seen and I get all the white ones. Just, for some nutty reason, people are willing to pay five times more for his freaky sheep than for my normal ones.

Therapist:

So your sheep don’t have much market value?

Patient:

No, I wouldn’t say that. My sheep still bring in big bucks. I’m the chief exporter of sheep to Canaan; they got no one there who knows how to raise them. You know our mottos: “Let deCheat and Sons Pull the Wool Over Your Eyes” and “There’s Nuttin’ Like Our Mutton”. I’m still raking in a hefty profit (of course, that’s not what my accountant tells the tax people). No, I ain’t goin’ hungry.

Therapist:

Then why such a long face?

Patient:

Well, as rich as I kept getting, this lazy good-for-nothing sonin-law kept getting richer - on my stock! This really burns me up. I’m having bad dreams. I asked him if he ever gets bad dreams. He says, “No, I hardly ever sleep at night.” No wonder! He’s too busy counting sheep. They ought to be my sheep. This guy’s got my sheep and he’s got my daughters and

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he’s got my grandsons and all I have is this miserable mansion and all of these… Therapist:

Now, Mr. deCheat, get a hold on yourself. If you don’t like this fellow, why do you miss him?

Patient:

Because, as much as I got, he’s got more. And now he wants to relocate and open up his own operation down in Canaan. I had the market cornered there. He’ll blow me out of the water!

Therapist:

Now, now, Mr. deCheat. I am certain that you can open new markets. I think that you would do splendid in Midian.

Patient:

I don’t care if I get Midian, Moab and the whole East Bank. If this guy is headed to Canaan, that’s where all the action is and I want it.

Therapist:

So, what do you have in mind?

Patient:

I’m gonna go after him and see if I can’t uproot every last shred. Nobody gets the best of Lavan deCheat.

Therapist:

Mr. deCheat, I am a bit less than optimistic about your chances for success, but if you feel that this will achieve your noble aims, then I wish you all the best. Please get in touch with me in, say, another six years and let me know how things are going. Oh, and, I don’t mean to be pretentious, but you still have an outstanding balance for our previous sessions.

Patient:

No problem, I’ll have one of my boys drop off some striped and speckled sheep – soon as they’re born. Thank you ever so much.

Therapist:

Next patient, please. Ah. A new face. And to whom do I attribute this honor?

Patient:

I didn’t really want to come but my wife kind of talked me into it.

Therapist:

You must be a very devoted husband Mr…?

Patient:

Hamdatha. Ben Hamdatha. My friends call me Haman. And I’ve got lots of friends.

Therapist:

And a caring wife. Now, in what way can I be of service, Mr. Haman?

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The Root of all Hatred

Patient:

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Well, I’m a pretty important guy. Got a top government position, friends in high places, you know. Lots of sons and a good deal of wealth and, you know, all of this is barely worth a cent to me just cuz of one guy who sits by the palace gate and I can’t get him to…

By now, we should be noticing a pattern: Why did Nimrod hate Abram, Cain hate Able, Lavan hate Jacob, and Haman hate Mordechai? Because they were unhappy people who looked upon the recalcitrant behavior of others who affect their quality world as the source of their unhappiness. And what did they do? They attempted to control the actions of these other people. Did that bring them any closer to realizing their own quality worlds? You judge. And so, why do non-Jews hate the Jews? Because they do not like their behavior, they believe that they can and are entitled to control this ‘distasteful’ behavior (see the three basic beliefs on page 7) and it is not working. Why do many secular Jews hate the religious Jews? Because the behavior of the religious Jews does not fit into their picture of a quality world. They would like to manipulate their behavior, but it is not working. Why is it that there are some non-chareidi Orthodox Jews who hate the chareidim? Because the chareidim do not behave as they would like. They would like to be able to control their behavior, but it doesn’t work. (Incidentally, if any of you readers are at odds with your spouse, your children/parents, employer/employee or teacher/students, would you like to know why?) And what about the chareidim, are we immune from external control psychology? Well, of course nobody is totally immune from it. It is, after all, the impulsive human tendency to try to meet our needs, or solve our problems,

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by getting others to change their behavior instead of changing our own. Nobody wants to change and it is not an easy thing to do. It always seems much better to allow, or manipulate, the other fellow to do it; he needs to change – I don’t. In fact, I intend to discuss in upcoming chapters some situations where some chareidim do attempt to exert external control on others on internal issues. And, needless to say, external control is a stunt that everybody “tries at home”. Yet, when it comes to the relationship between chareidim and non-chareidim (Orthodox or not), the chareidim play the game differently. Let’s return to our Biblical psychotherapist. Did you notice something peculiar about all these cases? The external control and, consequently, the hatred was a bit one sided. There is no indication that Able attempted to control Cain’s behavior, nor Abram to control Nimrod, nor Jacob to control Lavan, nor Mordechai to control Haman.16 Why not? The natural assumption would be that the protagonist hero was a meek underdog who was powerless to oppose the sinister antagonist. He is the poor victim of an overwhelming oppressor. We picture in our minds adjectives such as ‘wimp’ and ‘goody-two-shoes’. They were simply not capable. I am not convinced.17 My impression is that the reason all of these great people eschewed external control psychology is because they knew better. That is because they are chareidim – they know Chumash with Rashi. They also know all the principles of the philosophical works that are discussed back in chapter 7. And anybody who knows all of that, knows Choice Theory. This is because Dr. Glasser didn’t invent Choice Theory. We chareidim had it first.18 During a videotaped interview,19 Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski corroborated a thought that he had heard, “Whatever is psychologically valid can be found to have a basis in the Torah.” When I was first introduced to Choice Theory, my mind immediately bombarded me with a barrage of popular tenets from the scriptures, Talmud, and Jewish ethical works that articulate these very concepts. There are likely enough sources to fill up a new chapter and this 16

I would assert the claim that all of these protagonists meet my definition of chareidi, although we do not really know a great deal about Able. 17 Rabbi Yochanan in Midrash Rabbah, Genesis 22:17 maintains that Able was stronger than Cain and initially pinned him down. Cain pleaded for his life and Able released him whereupon Cain rebounded and killed Able. 18 Dr. Glasser as much as concedes this point on page 192 of his book Reality Therapy in Action (Harper Collins, New York, 2000). 19 Credit A Conversation with Rabbi Avraham Twerski, Torah Educational Software, Inc.

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one is already too long. I will present a modest list in a footnote.20 You might notice that I have listed more than ten references from Pirkei Avot alone, all of which, in some way, touch upon some aspect of Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory. Back in chapter 7, I heralded Pirkei Avot as a comprehensive anthology of chareidi ideals and, if you recall, I even stated that Pirkei Avot focuses primarily on sustaining social relationships (page ?). The list of sources is far from complete. In fact, I purposely omitted two of the most fundamental sources to illustrate how central this philosophy is to chareidi ideology. The runner-up of the two is the notable Mishna in Pirkei Avot 4:1: Who is mighty? He who subdues his inclinations. As the verse says, “One who is placid is better than a hero; and one who rules over his spirit is better than one who conquers a city.”

This adage, that true heroics is the ability to control one’s own behavior, is so much a part of Orthodox consciousness that almost every Orthodox Jewish day school in the world has it enshrined into a mural and prominently displayed somewhere in the main hallway. Every chareidi kid wins prizes for quoting it by heart. It most certainly makes an impression. Moreover, if we look at the entire Mishna, we find that it covers most of the five basic needs that combine to form an individual’s quality world: •

Fun, which Glasser defines as the drive to learn new things – “Who is wise? He who learns from all men.”

•

Survival, which includes material wealth and pleasures – “Who is wealthy? He who is joyous with his portion.”

•

Power and Respect – “Who is honored? He who honors all who are created.”

•

Freedom – This is not alluded to in this specific Mishna but we find later on in Pirkei Avot (6:2): “For we do not find one who is free other than he who is busy with Torah study.”

And what is it that, in my opinion, holds first place as the ultimate source to illustrate that we chareidim maintain a more internal oriented ideology than the ever-popular external control psychology that afflicts most of mankind? The envelope please… … would you believe it? – it’s Leviticus 26:3! 20

Genesis 4:7: Exodus 19:5,6; Leviticus 19:18; Deuteronomy 11:13, 26-28; Ibid. 26:17-19; Ibid. 30:11-20; Tzephania 2:1; Psalms 1:1-3; Ibid. 34:13-15; Proverbs 16:7; Kohelet 9:11; Pirkei Avot 1:14, 2:1, 2:4, 2:7, 2:15, 2:16, 3:13, 4:10, 4:28, 5:13, 5:22; Talmud Bavli Gittin 6b,7a; Avoda Zara 17a; Sanhedrin 18a.

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That’s right! The same passage that lays the groundwork for defining what is a chareidi tells us what we must do to find true gratification: If you are to walk within my statutes and guard my commandments and perform them.

As I wrote in chapter 3, this verse which, in its original Hebrew, comprises all of eight words, presents the whole picture (of course, we still need Rashi to spell it out for us) with a clear message: it is entirely within our control. If we behave in the manner that G-d the Father expects from us then we merit the compensatory benefits package: I shall give the rains in their time and the land will give forth its yield and the tree of the field will give its fruit. And the threshing will linger until the grape harvest… And I will give peace to the land… And you shall pursue your enemies, and they shall fall… And I will devote my attention to you, and multiply you… And I shall put my sanctuary in your midst… And I shall walk in your midst and be your G-d and you shall be to me for a nation…

In other words, G-d is promising us success with all of our relationships, be it with our livelihood - rainfall and bountiful crops; with our neighbors – “peace to the land”’; with our enemies who hate us and want to destroy us 21 – “and they shall fall”; with our families – “and multiply you”; and, especially, with G-d. Here, the Torah is presenting a generic societal quality world, and it is all contingent upon our own behavior. It won’t do us a bit of good to coerce anybody else to comply with this program nor will our quest to reach the summit of Mt. Neverest – our ultimate quality world – be impeded by anyone else’s behavior. In fact, outside of judicial law and some references to childrearing that appear in Proverbs22 (which are themselves subject to interpretation) there is virtually nothing in all of Jewish literature that advocates any form of external control. What comes out is that the dedicated chareidi is much less predisposed to the forces of hatred than is the non-Jew, non-religious and even the non-chareidi for the following two-dimensional reason: To the non-Jewish Jew hater, the mere existence of the Jew in his real world picture severely imposes on his quality world picture. No matter how removed or uninvolved from the Jew that he may be in practice, he cannot 21

The thrust of Choice Theory is to better the relationships that affect our quality world. Nevertheless, if a relationship has become destructive and is beyond our power to improve, we are forced to protect our own quality world as the need for survival is the most primordial of the basic needs that it comprises. But even when this is necessary, if it is totally driven by external control with no aspect of “self” control the chances of success are reduced as noted previously (footnote 13). 22 Proverbs 13:24 and 23:14

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remove the Jew from his real world picture and, as such, his quality world picture cannot be gratified. This is what they call The Jewish Problem. What this indicates is that they maintain some obscure kind of relationship with the Jewish entity, which defies explanation,23 that does not meet their fancy but they cannot manage it unless they resort to very extreme “final solutions” such as forced conversions, anti-Jewish legislation, enslavement and extermination. To the anti-religious secular Jew, the religious Jew is even more imposing.24 As neither of the above two communities hold G-d in either their quality world or their real world pictures, their relationship with the [religious] Jew occupies a prominent [sore] spot in their real world picture. Even the religious Jew who does hold G-d in his quality world picture, if he happens to be anti-chareidi - i.e., the haters and shunners a la Isaiah - it is because he allows the chareidim, and the way he perceives their behavior, to occupy too prominent a spot in his real world picture. Accordingly, the behavior of the chareidi imposes upon his quality world, he will be unhappy, and will look at the chareidi as the source of his unhappiness. The dedicated chareidi,25 on the other hand, makes his relationship to G-d the preeminent relationship in his quality world. This relationship is one over which he has full control as is indicated in Leviticus 26:3. Consequently, no one – not the anti-Semitic non-Jew, nor the anti-religious secular Jew, nor the anti-chareidi religious Jew – is capable of interfering with this relationship. As such, the chareidi is capable of gratifying his quality world despite the non-compliance of his adversaries. This is one dimension of the distinction between chareidim and non-chareidim that I wish to make. The second dimension is simply that the primary social components of hatred that I listed above – jealousy, anger, fear, and prejudice – are not prevalent attitudes in our relationships to non-chareidim. Consider the following: •

23

Jealousy - It is typical for the non-Jew or non-chareidi to look over his shoulder and to note some of the more spiritual benefits that accompany the lifestyle of a devout Orthodox Jew with a tinge of envy. He senses that these ‘benefits’ are for the most part inaccessible to him unless he is prepared to undergo a drastic lifestyle change. One cannot have his cake

Conceivably, if they don’t like us they could simply ignore us. As Rabbi Berel Wein once said in a tape, “Nobody hates Venezuela.” (This was way before the rise of Hugo Chavez.) But, as we know, the standard rules of civilization do not apply to us. As Dr. Seuss would say: Why do the goyim hate the Jews? I do not know, but it’s not news. 24 This may be because they cannot resort to forced conversion, enslavement, or extermination. They have to make do with anti-religious legislation. 25 There is no denying that copious members of the chareidi camp may be less than dedicated. This is why we notice chareidim who are afflicted with external control psychology.

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and eat it, too. Conversely, the chareidi certainly has no cause to be jealous of the non-chareidi being that, if he so desires to enter the nonchareidi world, he can do so at the “drop of a hat”. •

Anger – Anger is a component of hatred whereas the hater feels that he has been injured or wronged by the hated. This is a consequence of the actions of the hated disrupting the hater’s realization of his quality world. This rarely applies to a chareidi being that, as I wrote, the preeminent relationship that resides in the quality world picture of the chareidi is his relationship with G-d. This relationship is immune from outside interference and, as such, a chareidi cannot perceive a non-chareidi as injuring this relationship and disrupting the realization of his quality world. The chareidi has no cause to be angry toward the non-chareidi.

•

Fear – I have seen numerous newspaper pundits exclaim that ‘we’ (the Israeli public) must [forcibly] integrate the chareidim into the work force. Or, better, “The chareidim must understand that they will have to…” Yet, I suppose that most of these citizens would panic if they were to see a sudden influx of chareidim infiltrate their workplaces. Conversely, there are quite a few unoccupied seats in the numerous chareidi study halls throughout the world, and it would not scare us a bit to see the secular Jews fill them up. The chareidi does not live in fear that the non-chareidim are going to invade his overpriced Shabbat restricted neighborhood and drive him out. Nor is he worried that they will flood his schools with their children. Go ahead – make our day!

•

Prejudice – The chareidi has no illusions that non-chareidim cohabitate through bed sheets. Trust me on this one.

The sum total is that in addition to what I wrote earlier that the chareidi is capable of gratifying his quality world despite the non-compliance of his adversaries, he has much less external cause to be unhappy in the first place and certainly has no need to look at anybody else as an obstacle to gratification. This brings to a close our discussion on the root causes of hatred. Only one issue remains – what can be done to remedy this problem? Unfortunately, the philosophy of Choice Theory dictates that there is not much that the hated can do to pursue the gratification of his own quality world and, at the same time, meet the demands of somebody else’s quality world especially when they are in conflict. Only the one who is afflicted with non-gratification and the components of hatred can modify his quality world picture or his method of gratifying it. © 2007-9 Yechezkel Hirshman

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In the meantime, we are faced with the age old technique of dealing with the symptoms when we cannot treat the disease. In the upcoming chapters we will attempt to relieve the most debilitating symptoms.