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http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/ Books/62/74.cfm Physical and Emotional Abuse You Don't Have to Take It Anymore It looked like a scene from a soap opera. The young woman wearing cut-offs and a white T-shirt was screaming as her ex-husband dragged her from the convenience store sidewalk toward his car. "Please!" the woman begged as her former spouse opened the car door and shoved her into the driver's seat. "Somebody help!" An older woman who'd been about to walk into the store hesitated, then took a few steps toward the curb. When the young woman frantically jerked away from her ex and slid toward the passenger's door, the older woman took two swift steps toward the car and wrenched open the door. The ex-husband grabbed his former wife's shirt and held on. But the two women were stronger. The shirt ripped and the older woman slammed the door on the ex's hand. The two women ran into the convenience store, past a half-dozen startled customers and into the employees' bathroom. There they stayed, protected by a dead-bolted steel door, until the police arrived four minutes later. The young woman was lucky. Most abuse takes place in the privacy of the home, where there is little help for the victim. But the problem has reached such epidemic proportions that today it spills out onto public streets and malls. One-fifth to one-third of all American women will be physically assaulted by a current or former partner within their lifetime, reports the American Medical Association. Two million women will be assaulted each year, and nearly half of them will be beaten three or more times within a 12-month period. Thirty-three to 46 percent will be sexually assaulted as well. These numbers are just the tip of the iceberg. Most violence against women is not reported, and little is done to uncover it. Women are afraid of retribution, and the doctors and police officers who come to their aid simply do not ask what caused their injuries, experts say. As a result, the abuse continues. Studies indicate that abused women represent one-quarter to one-third of all women requiring emergency room treatment and 50 percent of all women who are slain in the United States.

Who's at Risk? Every woman is at risk of being abused sometime during her life. But women who were abused as children and women who witnessed their mothers being abused have the highest risk, experts agree. Children who are spanked, beaten and belittled "learn abuse is acceptable, that abuse is part of love and that a woman who stays in an abusive relationship is powerless to stop it," explains Leah J. Dickstein, M.D., professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Louisville School of Medicine in Kentucky. And kids who grow up watching their moms being hit grow up with a distorted perception of gender roles and how family members relate to one another. Girls absorb the message that you just grin and bear it when you're hit, while boys absorb the message that hitting by men may be appropriate behavior to show love and power in relationships. Other than those who grew up in an abusive home, women who are most likely to be abused are single, separated or divorced and between the ages of 17 and 28. They are more likely to be abused if their partner is jealous or possessive and if either they or their partner uses drugs or alcohol. What Is Abuse? Although most of us picture broken bones, black eyes and bruises when we think of abused women, abuse can be sexual or emotional as well. Sexual abuse is intercourse without a woman's consent, penetration with objects, forcing a woman to have sex with other people or forcing a woman to watch pornography, says Charlotte Watson, a nationally known expert on abuse and executive director of My Sisters' Place, a battered women's program in Westchester County, New York. Refusing to use or refusing to allow a woman to use prophylactics to protect herself against sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy is also sexual abuse, as is sexual activity that occurs when a woman is not fully conscious. Emotional abuse is more complex, adds Watson. Men who are extremely jealous or possessive or who insist on controlling household finances are emotionally abusive. Those who humiliate their partner through insults, criticism, constant interruptions, lying and refusing to listen are emotionally abusive. Depriving a woman of access to her children or to sleep, clothing, food or transportation is also emotional abuse, and men who play mind games or set up situations in

which a woman tends to doubt her own perceptions are abusers. The result? While physical and sexual abuse can land a woman in the hospital, the constant terror and selfdoubt women experience from emotional abuse may result in serious health problems such as eating disorders, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, insomnia and stress-related rashes, muscle spasms and digestive problems. It can also cause feelings of worthlessness, shame and self-loathing, which in turn may lead to suicide or drug and alcohol abuse as a desperate attempt to alleviate emotional pain. Unfortunately, an abusive partner may encourage a woman to use drugs and alcohol as a way to keep her "calm." Why Do Men Beat Women? "Men don't learn to communicate vulnerable feelings verbally when they're little boys," says Dr. Dickstein. Instead some boys learn that aggression--hitting, cursing, shoving and pushing--often helps them get what they want. They learn that in the short term, bullying, threatening and hurting are the fastest and safest routes to immediate gratification and feeling powerful. Beating a woman and putting her down indicates a pathological need to dominate and coercively control another individual, says Evan Stark, Ph.D., co-founder of the Domestic Violence Training Project in New Haven, Connecticut, and associate professor of public administration and social work at Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey. What's more, when men are abusive, friends and family often excuse his actions by sympathetically clucking, "He was under stress," or "She should have known not to make him angry," says Watson. Watson believes that violence against women will never be quelled until this type of subtly destructive behavior carries the same social stigma that has gradually come to be associated with drunk driving: Only jerks do it. How do you change an attitude? Whenever it's expressed, in word or deed, you challenge it, says Watson. "When the life of the party comes over and the brunt of all his jokes is his wife, you have to say 'You can't do that here.' " Why Do Women Stay?

Historically, men were allowed to beat their wives as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb, says Watson. It wasn't until about 20 years ago that abused women in the United States had the option of pressing charges against their batterers in criminal court. Clergy, courts and even the women's families believed domestic violence to be a private matter between husband and wife. Women who complained about being treated badly would be told by their families, "You made your bed, now lie in it." "Women tend to minimize the violence they endure," says Julie Blackman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and forensic consultant in Montclair, New Jersey. A woman may have many reasons to remain with a man who humiliates or degrades her, Watson says. She may believe she loves him, or she may need his paycheck to support her and their children. Will Your Mate Become Abusive? Men who batter often share similar backgrounds and attitudes about male entitlement and power, no matter what economic class or ethnic group they come from. Unfortunately, their battering tendencies may not show up until they begin living with a woman, says Ty Schroyer, men's program coordinator at the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Minnesota. Still, there are several red-light behaviors that should alert any woman to the possibility that a guy has the potential for abuse. Here's what experts say they are. Masterminding dates from start to finish. What may seem to be a romantic eagerness to impress you may actually indicate that a man is excessively controlling, says abuse expert Charlotte Watson, executive director of My Sisters' Place, a battered women's program in Westchester County, New York. When you're going out on a date, "you have to set up a test," says Watson. "Tell him, 'I don't want to see that movie. How about if we see another movie instead?' " Then "pay attention to how he reacts," says Watson. "If he has a temper tantrum or has to have his way when you express a different preference or point of view," think again about continuing the relationship. Harming pets. Anyone who beats and otherwise harshly punishes his pets is someone to stay away from, says Watson. Poor impulse control. Punching walls or blowing his top when faced with long lines, traffic or a lack of parking may indicate a man cannot handle the inevitable frustrations and compromise required in an intimate relationship, warns Angela Browne, Ph.D., a psychiatrist at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center in Boston.

Substance abuse. Men who abuse drugs and alcohol have a higher-than-average risk of violence, reports the American Medical Association. Other warning signs. If a man has a police record for violent crimes or sexual assaults, has a poor selfimage or a father who abused his wife, or he pressures you for sex or shows a general dislike, fear or disrespect for women, he is a potential abuser. Fear of repercussions is also a factor. "The system has been so nonresponsive, women historically have seen no value in reporting their abuse. Or they think 'If I tell, it could get worse,' " Watson says. What Can Women Do? The only thing a woman can do in any abusive situation is leave, experts agree. "Studies have shown mediation is a waste of time," says Dr. Dickstein. "It doesn't work." An abused woman may be afraid to discuss the problem with her partner because he might later become violent. And counseling with an assailant is potentially dangerous. But leaving may also be dangerous. "There is a 75 percent increase in the likelihood of being murdered while a woman is in the process of leaving or has left," says Dr. Dickstein. That's why it must be planned with the utmost care. A woman who is parting from a man who uses drugs or alcohol, threatens to kill her or commit suicide, has or threatens to use weapons or flatly refuses to let her go should take special precautions to ensure her safety, suggest Ann Jones and Susan Schechter in When Love Goes Wrong. Here are some steps you can take to safely free yourself. Set up a signal. Tell a sympathetic neighbor that you'll send a particular signal--a curtain that's normally open suddenly being shut, for example--to call police if you're in danger, experts suggest. Hold a fire drill. If you have children, give them a "fire drill" that will show them what to do if your batterer turns on you and explodes. The kids should be taught how to quickly get out of the house through a variety of exits and told to which neighbors or relatives they should run. "People say doing this scares kids," says Watson. "But the kids are already scared. They feel more secure having a plan of action and knowing what to do." Heed your instincts. If you're feeling afraid and becoming isolated from friends and family, and you

feel like you're walking on eggshells when he's around, it's probably time to get out, says Dr. Stark. Don't wait until the police have to take you to the emergency room, he advises. Women who have not yet been repeatedly abused are in better physical and emotional shape to help themselves. Assemble a safety kit. It's also useful to surreptitiously put together a "safety kit" for a fast getaway. The kit should include school records for the kids, Social Security cards, copies of birth certificates, prescription medications, any money you're able to set aside and an address book with all your important phone numbers and contacts. Store it in a place you can get to once you leave the house. Some experts recommend keeping money and a spare set of house keys hidden somewhere in the car. But do this only if your abuser doesn't make a habit of sifting through things to check up on you. Find an advocate. Before you leave, ask the local police department where you can find an advocate, which is the term used by social service workers to describe counselors who specialize in helping battered women. Advocates can help you find money, housing, emotional support and transitional shelters, says Angela Browne, Ph.D., a psychiatrist at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center in Boston. They also know their way around the judicial system, so they can help you gain custody of your children and preserve your rights toward any property you may own with your partner. Find a refuge. The addresses of women's shelters are not revealed to the public, so you should ask your advocate or police department for the location of one in your community. Be aware that you may encounter many frustrations--every bureaucracy has red tape, and abuse is so epidemic that sometimes shelters are full. Document your abuse. Assemble a record of evidence regarding your abuse. Have a friend or preferably a doctor or hospital worker take pictures of any new bruises, black eyes and other injuries and write the date right on the photo. Even if you don't want to press charges against your batterer at the time, the evidence may come in handy at a later date. Have your batterer arrested. You are the best judge of whether involving the police is likely to quell your partner's violence or escalate it. But research shows that arrest works best for men who have "something to lose," like a job or reputation. "Sometimes arrest can be a miracle cure, particularly if the court and the district attorney give the same message," says Dr. Stark.

It gives the woman some space to make a decision about what to do next, and it gives batterers a message, that their behavior is illegal and intolerable.

Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm. Basic forms include:

If you have your batterer arrested, ask to speak to a police officer or supervisor who will help you find an advocate. One caveat: If a woman is really in danger, she should be in a secret, safe shelter with her children before pressing charges. Join a support group. Participating in a support group--usually offered free or on a sliding fee scale through local shelters--to talk about abuse issues is one of the best possible therapies. Talking to other women breaks down the isolation abused women feel, reassures women that they are not crazy and helps women learn from other women in various stages of recovery from violence, Watson says. Don't go back. Most women leave several times before making a final break, says Watson. The first few times they may go back for emotional reasons such as wanting to "save" the family or because they hope their partner will change. The next few times they may not want to go back but fear that they can't escape without being found or that they may not be able to support themselves and their kids. But no woman should return to an abusive mate once she's gotten away, experts agree. Instead, you have to recognize that in most cases, abuse follows a distinct cycle. In phase one, the male partner starts threatening the woman and pushing or shoving her around. She responds by trying to please him and keep him calm. It doesn't work. In phase two, the man begins to abuse the woman physically and/or sexually. Her life is in danger. In phase three, the abuser apologizes and tearfully promises to mend his ways. And he does-just long enough to get the woman home again. You may doubt or regret leaving your partner, Watson says. But any woman who is battered must reconcile herself to the reality that it is very unlikely that a man who abuses women will change. Leave guilt to the guy who abused you. Everyone talks about what a wonderful, nurturing resource a family can be, but few dwell on how destructive it is when one member is abusive. Don't feel guilty for "breaking up the family" if you leave an abuser, doctors say. The abuser broke it up long before you ever made a move, so let him bear the burden of guilt, not you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_abuse

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striking punching pushing, pulling slapping striking with an object pinching kicking having someone fall kneeing strangling drowning sleep deprivation exposure to cold, freezing exposure to heat or radiation, burning exposure to electric shock placing in "stress positions" (tied or otherwise forced) cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp exposure to a dangerous animal throwing or shooting a projectile exposure to a toxic substance infecting with a disease withholding food or medication spanking is subject to controversy as to whether it qualifies as physical abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse Verbal abuse is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. Verbal abuse is different from profanity in that it can occur without profanity, and profanity can be used in a non-abusive way. In some countries, charges can be laid for verbal abuse under certain circumstances. Verbal abuse leaves no outer mark and no proof. With couples (orientation of the two is irrelevant) usually during intense verbal abuse, the target of the abuse usually suffers by having lower self-worth, low self-esteem, and value themselves less and less. Because of this, victims may fall into depression and become introverted. Verbal abuse, although not physically harmful and having no visible signs, is damaging nonetheless. Verbal abuse is arguably the most common type of abuse, and yet at the same time not looked at or taken nearly as seriously as the many other forms of abuse. In reality however, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse in which the victim is under constant attack, especially a child, may be even more detrimental to a person or child's health than physical abuse or other forms of

abuse. Verbal abuse starting from a young age may contribute to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes, and many other negative behaviors that plague so many people into adulthood. People that feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment if at all possible. Staying around verbal abusers is in fact extremely bad for a persons overall wellbeing and all steps to change the situation should be pursued.

Females and Abuse: Mental/Verbal/Emotional.

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/womenphysical-abuse.htm

Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

Physical Abuse of Women by Men.

Many men are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. Others are more subtle.

Women and Abuse:

Pat McChristie Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their abuse and cruelty for a private audience of one.

Verbal abuse escalates and often turns into physical abuse. And everyone knows physical abuse escalates.

Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul.

Physical abuse of women in domestic violence is welldocumented. Health care and law enforcement professionals are trained to look for abuse of women.

Many women never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize that they are being verbally abused.

In addition, shelters, counseling, and other help is readily available for the asking.

Often a verbal abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.

Verbal abuse escalates and turns into physical abuse over time. Everyone knows physical abuse escalates. Yet married and single women are battered, injured, and even killed by their mates and boyfriends each year. Why? Low self-esteem, denial, a feeling that "things will get better," fear for her children, etc. are the reasons women stay in abusive relationships. Mark Sandel, Co-Director of the batterer-intervention program at The Family Place in Dallas, Texas, US, had this to say about male abusers, "About the only common thread we've found is they are charming. I can see how their wives would fall in love with them." Even pregnant women are abused. In April of 1997 experts with the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists told doctors that up to one-quarter of pregnant women are physically abused. They also said the abuse harms not only the women but often the babies as well. http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.h tm

Why do intelligent, warm women permit verbal abuse from boyfriends and later from spouses? During the courtship period, everyone is on their best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few and far between. Since women want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse. Chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse. Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse starts... Verbal Abuse Destroys Confidence. One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true." Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-

esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him. The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts. If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further. Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with: "What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing. "Come on, honey, I was drunk ..... "Honey, I love you but sometimes you..." "I had a bad day at work ..." "You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old." "I was upset with my ex," "You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember." If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your "charmer" and don't offer belief or support. They think you are crazy not to marry this man. Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving. Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical. http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabu se.html Verbal Abuse Kerby Anderson

Introduction Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of human action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words and actions. Verbal abuse and physical abuse result from a world view that is clearly not biblical. Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars unless physical abuse has taken place. But it is often less visible simply because the abuse may always take place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person. While in private, the abuser may become a completely different person. Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female, but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally abusive. But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the abuser as male and the victim as female. One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in adults was Patricia Evan's book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of verbal abuse these women describe in this book. Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard." A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her

balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy. The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner. Characteristics of Verbal Abuse Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner. 2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing. 3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate. 4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser. 5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment. 6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure. 7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps. These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4} Categories of Verbal Abuse The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!" Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse. Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance. A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the

conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive. Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her. These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse. Other Forms of Verbal Abuse Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment. Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse. Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem. Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners. Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate. Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences,

denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive. That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner. We have described various characteristics of verbal abuse and have even discussed the various categories of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a biblical perspective.