Reflections

recollection the mind would always want to capture happy moments. frequently, it dwells in the past. it rarely appreciates the present. the present brings pain and sadness...things the mind couldn't freely accept... thus the struggle...slavery from within.the mind clearly becomes a slave of the past. every struggle brings about darkness...the feeling of being lost. the loneliness of having no one. of having no companion. the feeling of being alone. the absence of sight and light. the heart wants to be free.. but the struggle goes on...because of attachment. it has become a habit. there is great difficulty in changing a certain habit...especially if it brings 'pleasure'. the feeling of emptiness...life has become senseless. the mind tends to want more, never really gets contented with the present. this is perhaps the very reason why man has this so called 'diversion', a 'reality' he has created to cover reality itself...something that could 'free' him...a form of escape. Diversion has become an end...this makes things more difficult for man to achieve what happiness truly is...man today, has a distorted definition of happiness.

poverty We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty.

- Mother Teresa

Think about what really makes us rich and what makes us poor. Think about what we should really value in this life. We all end up thinking about the people we love and the people who love us. A good friend texted me the other day 'it's nice to feel that you're wanted. it means that you're doing some good.' , he was speaking from what he had experienced, he felt that he was appreciated and even wanted. They are truly happy, those who know how to be thankful for the fact that they are loved. They are truly happy, those who never fail to recognize that fact, they know that they are rich...May we never get tired of letting other people feel that they are also wanted...that they are also loved.

listen Here's something from Anthony de Mello's book "The Song of the Bird", the title is "Did you hear that bird sing?". The author was a Jesuit priest. Did you hear that bird sing? The disciple was always complaining to his master, "You are hiding the final secret of Zen from me." And he would not accept the master's denials. One day they were walking in the hills when they heard a bird sing. "Did you hear that bird sing?" said the master. "Yes," said the disciple. "Well now you know that I have hidden nothing from you." "Yes."

- Life has become really noisy and complicated that I sometimes find it silly listening to the song of the birds. I remember the time when I still wonder about the things around me, the things I see, feel, and hear, the time when I still had that certain awe we could always see in kids. Now, everything is different.

Why do I always forget to listen to the song of the birds? Sometimes I am deaf to what I'm supposed to listen to. Listening has become selective, I only choose what's useful for me and never absorb other things which I believe is useless or even senseless.

paradox "In some way, however, small and secret, each of us is a little mad...Everyone is lonely at bottom and cries to be understood; but we can never entirely understand someone else, and each of us remains part stranger even to those who love us...It is the weak who are cruel; gentleness is to be expected only from the strong...Those who do not know fear are not really brave, for courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined...You can understand people better if you look at them---no matter how old or impressive they may be---as if they are children. For most of us never mature; we simply grow taller...Happiness comes only when we push our hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable...The purpose of life is to matter---to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all." -Leo Rosten paradoxical life.it is true that we could be dead even before we die...we could live a lifeless life.we could be slaves of our very own freedom. we could be poor even if we have material wealth. nothing in everything. noise in silence. order in chaos. talk about playing with words, but these are verifiable experiences.we could end up really confused. lost. lonely. we want to be happy. i have met a lot of people who still hope even in the midst of darkness. they still believe that there will come a time that they will see the light. it really inspires me seeing these kind of people. they are not materially rich, but it's not difficult for them to be happy. these people know what really makes them happy. they know what is essential and they know why it is. we have to live and embrace life as it is.

mors "At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn't hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been part of its life and made him proud. Freddie landed on a clump of snow. It somehow felt soft and even warm. In this new position he was more comfortable than he had ever been. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground, were already plans for new leaves in the Spring. -"The Fall of Freddie the Leaf", Leo Buscaglia

Death. An inevitable reality. It could make one speak of silence and the noise it brings. It could awaken fear. It could lead to the very meaning of life. It's bound to happen and we do not have any choice.we just do not know when and how it is going to happen.fear of the unknown. Why is it that most of the time one learns to appreciate life only when it is approaching death? Life begins to show its true value. Every second, minute or hour becomes something of importance. There is, as much as possible, the struggle to make sense out of the remaining time. One begins to value the unseen...one begins to learn how to truly see. Why is it that one would resolve to be a better person only at the point of realizing that life is about to end? Before, it didn't matter if the action was good or not. It's the fact that one has to enjoy life while still young, not to worry about the consequences. Let tomorrow worry itself. One, near death, would begin to see or even feel the difference of good from wrong...of light from darkness.One learns to truly hear the voice within...the heart...the very core of being. One doesn't have to wait for death to say, 'you should change in a few minutes for i'm not very far'. The saddest experience perhaps is when one realizes only at the time near death, that man has the power to love and he never did and that he has been loved but never loved back.

absolute uncertainty There are only three sorts of people: those who have found God and serve him; those who are busy seeking him and have not found him; those who live without either seeking or finding him. The first are reasonable and happy, the last are foolish and unhappy, those in the middle are unhappy and reasonable. -Blaise Pascal (My personal reflection brought me to the mystery of prayer and the life of prayer. This is perhaps the first time I will be talking about God, I would just like to make it clear that I have no intention of preaching or even contradicting others, as I respect people of different faith or beliefs. If you have queries or other interesting ideas, feel free to ask or tell me.)

Prayer, as I see it, is simply a dialogue with God. It may sound really easy, but it's not. Back in elementary and even high school, prayers were verbally recited as far as one's memory could go, they were words which one had to memorize (out of force if i may say), these words sounded really holy and they were to be said seriously, they were words i really didn't understand, i just recited them for me to show how obedient I was to the teachers, whom I thought never committed any sin and were too clean to teach us how to pray. I never really knew the true value of prayer. Come university life, I joined a religious community and became inactive for two years, went back and served as its head. I would say that my spiritual life grew in the university parish, it was when I prayed with my eyes closed, talking to God. I didn't really care if he was listening or not, I just talked to him and tried listening to him sometimes. Just last year, that's two years after my stay in the university, I was rationalizing if I really needed to pray, I kept on asking to whom am I praying to? If he is really there, does he answer my prayers or is it just me deciding if I'll work and get what I'm praying and what I prayed for? It's not easy to believe someone I do not see or even feel the presence of. It's not easy to pray if the mind is full of uncertainty. I was simply claiming that I could live without praying, and yes, I tried it myself, I tried not to pray or even rejected prayer as something senseless or even useless. I could sleep peacefully without praying, I did that for about three months, and during those times, it wasn't really peaceful and I wasn't really happy with what I was doing. I tried praying again, and I have to say it's different now, it's more of the will that's working, not mere emotions. Doubt, that's perhaps what the rational mind does, but faith, something above reason itself, tells me that He exists and that He is always listening. I'm beginning to accept that a life of prayer is a life of struggle. it's when the heart begins to say something the mind knows nothing of.

evol a good friend observed that the word 'love' is often mentioned almost in every entry on this blog and said it's becoming trite. i asked my friend, 'do you easily get tired of the words you often see or hear?' and answered 'it's something i never really thought of, probably, probably not'. which leads me to another question, are there words that we really never get tired of using, seeing or hearing? maybe i could replace the word 'love' with 'evol' so that it would always have the same freshness and would never run dry. but the emotion would never be the same again, one would have to rationalize the concept of 'evol' as something similar to that of 'love'. it's never easy to introduce new words, but it's something one could always do, what is more difficult is to introduce new meanings, new sense. reflecting about that comment made me think that we could really get tired of words, reading or hearing the same things again and again. our lives are, in a way, dictated by words and the meaning attached to them. most people i know want to see or hear something new. life for them, has become monotonous. some have tried to be creative enough so that they could cope with monotony. thinking of what could make a day different from the other, be it an activity or a change in one's lifestyle. but some people i've met would, and i'm amazed by this, still use the same old words but give out a really good smile, a very happy disposition in life. i'm wondering how they could maintain the freshness of the same old words they've been using since they were born. they don't experience any monotony. every time you see and hear them speak, you could see it in their eyes, the awe and the life. they didn't need to create new words, they never got tired of the same old words. they speak as if it's their first time to use those old words. enthusiasm, that's what i always see in these people. i believe newness is something we could get from within... it's not what we always see or hear but how we see or hear. if we choose to let the words fade or not. it's never really difficult if inside us is someone who would always have the awe, the ability to wonder even in the midst of 'monotony'. evol is creative. it makes all things new.

ennui i remember when i was just ten years old. i woke up one morning and realized i am alive and it made me feel very lonely. i woke from a very deep slumber. i still remember that morning so vividly, the deep green stencil (leaves) on the wall and the rusty ceiling with cobwebs. i didn't know what time was it, for i didn't care much about time, i was too young to care or even worry about time. i was just learning how to read time. my time, to tell you the truth, was composed of my parents, they were the ones who told me what and when to do things. they were the stuff my time was made of. let me go back to that morning. the room was bright, the windows were open. i listened to the sound of the fan. the moment i opened my eyes, i just stared at the ceiling, thinking about God was optional, i didn't think it was required. elementary years. all i knew then was that God was someone we always discussed in our religion class. i really didn't know much. and i didn't know that i didn't know much. knowing was something i didn't know at that age. my parents just sent me to school. and i was, to be honest, too lazy to go to school. it was something i found unnecessary. life was going to school five days a week and playing (upon parents' consent) on weekends. that morning. i didn't know what day it was, but i'm quite sure it wasn't a weekday. my parents didn't wake me up to tell me that i had to go to school. it was a day i should be happy about but i wasn't. it made me really lonely. it must be because i realized that rest was just saturday and sunday. and the 'not-so-good' days start from monday to friday. i didn't know that the society made these schools, where children could stay and 'learn' while their parents work. i was probably too lazy that time, and i don't know if i still am. school made me think that life could be so boring. it wasn't my concept of living and enjoying life. this morning i was thinking about that morning, almost fourteen years ago. what would have happened if i rejected attending school? everything would be different from what is happening now. i have a clear notion of time. i somehow learned how to plan. i'm living my life independently. obedience isn't bad after all. and boredom, as i saw it before, could be fun sometimes. and i was never really wrong when i trusted my parents. for the times i believed that they have made me suffer, i ask for pardon.

respect i am quoting from a text conversation with a friend, dated 12 January 2005. i went through my notes of philosophical conversations last weekend after attempting to organize my room and i found this one:

"we're all significantly different beings. what may calm your heart may not calm mine. what may be noise to you may be music to me. but would it mean that it's not God who's calming my heart? or singing me that peaceful music? God doesn't speak in one voice alone. He can be every voice you can ever hear. if only you can admit that you do not know everything. then you can hear Him and learn with your heart."

this was part of our discussion about religious differences. i found these words to be worth pondering upon. i've observed that we could actually be judgmental about other people without looking at ourselves. especially when we see people who belong to different religions. we tend to think that the path we're walking on is the only path and the things we believe should also be the things that other people should believe. we tend to think that we're way better than others in terms of what we believe. respect. this is a word that is continuously losing its sense, it's perhaps dying. when people would just choose to close their minds. missing the very Truth. we choose to be deaf and blind to what other people believe. we fail to see or even fail to hear what they're doing and what they are saying. war isn't really far from possible if our minds are closed.we begin to judge people according to what they believe basing it from what we believe. if it happens that we don't believe the same things or see things the same way they do, we suddenly conclude that they are wrong, that they are committing terrible mistakes. the other day, a good friend told me that discussions that would include God isn't worth discussing at all. my friend must have learned that all it does is cause trouble that could ruin relationships. i think it's a wise observation. respect, as i see it, is not similar to apathy. respect is far from it, respect isn't being indifferent. it's the awareness of other people's beliefs or views whether we agree or not. it's simply seen or experienced when we listen to what other people say or when other people listen to what we are saying. it's when we treat other people how they're supposed to be treated. in the midst of religious or cultural differences, we have the universal concept of respect.

what does love look like? What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

-St. Augustine

Ergo, I have seen love. We have seen love. Let us hasten to the poor and needy, those who are unwanted. Let us not be blind to those who are experiencing misery. Let us not be deaf to the sighs and sorrows. It's not new when we hear that the self is becoming the center of life. When selfishness is becoming a virtue to replace love. Because of the fear that people may not love us in return. Because of our insecurities, we choose to love ourselves. It's true that it's difficult to trust other people and that we have to be cautious. But we have seen and experienced love. We could still see people who are not afraid to love. Love still thrives even in the midst of anger and selfishness.

Love created love. Love is to be shared, it was never created to be kept all by ourselves. Man's humanity lies in the fact that he has the ability to love. This is what makes man different from any other creature. For man to truly express his humanity and therefore to truly live, he has to love. I share the same belief that love is something we do not learn, it is already inside us, we have the choice of either letting it sleep until we die or waking it up. If we choose to just let it sleep, we could be dead even before we die. When we choose to wake it up, we are choosing to live for it is the very core of this life.

Deus caritas est. Not because we love but because He has loved us first.

time “The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so.” -Blaise Pascal We only have here and now. We only have the present. The past is something we do not have anymore and the future is something we do not have yet. I have observed that an individual would either cling to his/her past or dwell in his/her future, it's quite rare meeting people who live their lives in the present. I know it's difficult to live in the present, it often brings boredom and truth which we always avoid. Some people would spend the present indifferently, knowing that time is fleeting and all would just be part of the past. Some would choose not to experience the present because they are more concerned with the future, this is when people would make the present a means to achieve a goal. Working for a good future, working for good life. It's when people wake up and hasten their lives to success. They want to be there, where life is convenient

because

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all

what

they

want

in

the

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sense.

The other week I spent my time in the beach, I watched the sea, the sunset and the children playing. And yes I experienced the present there, I was deeply aware of what was happening around me. The stillness of the present brings about contentment and the realization that happiness is always there. I remember someone saying, 'there is no key to happiness for the door is always open'. There's certainly nothing wrong with planning our future, what are dreams for? Dreams exist so that we could all have something to look forward to. But it's important to know that every day we are given the choice to live in the present and really live every moment. Why do we have to go looking for the key when the door is always open and it could be found in our hearts? If we want to be happy, we have to embrace life and for us to embrace life, we have to learn how to live in the present.

in the absence of internet our inflation rate is 11.4%, the highest since May 1994 and it's something we can experience everyday. soaring prices of commodities and weakening purchasing power. prices dictate how and what we buy. knowing the difference between what is a necessity and what is luxury could help. i do not want to discuss this matter further as we may just end up claiming that we are becoming poor and that money could redeem us. you may have noticed that it has been more than a month since i posted an entry. the reason for this is that i do not have access to the internet. the negative effect of resigning from a company which provides laptop you can bring home and use for other purposes aside from work. before i gave the laptop back, i was really worried how it could affect my life. life in the absence of internet could be tormenting, but it isn't. the only difference is i'm beginning to write again, literally speaking, i.e. using pen and paper. a 'downgrade' as my aunt said. my reflections are again written on paper. and i would post some here if i get the chance to have access. i got a new job and i'm still adjusting to the new environment. to date i have had 4 jobs. starting as an agricultural technician or more of a farmer in nueva ecija, a call center agent, an english teacher for koreans, a consultant, and now an analyst. i don't know what's next. it has been a very good adventure. i sound like i'm going to die. who knows when anyway? last sunday my best friend and i attended mass in diliman, it was our first time there. the priest was full of enthusiasm, it was as if it was his last mass, he's probably in his thirties. giving all the energy and life. and that convinced me. when he gave his homily, it was not to convince the people but to appear as a witness. i wish i could also have that enthusiasm. may we have the eyes and ears to see how each day is different from the other and that there is no reason as to why we should be bored. even boredom brings something new if we try to reflect about it.

thoughts on giving it was a thursday morning, riding the bus for work, the woman beside me pulled out the day's paper from her bag tried to look for a certain page. while she was doing this, the sports section fell.she then picked it up (she might have noticed i was staring at her) and gave that section to me and said, 'it's yours, i don't read sports'. i gave her a morning's smile. but i also don't read sports. i didn't want to show any sign of rejection. i forced myself to read sports. but it saved me almost an hour's worth of boredom.i thanked the woman before she went off the bus. i don't intend to speak ill of the woman. what happened that morning made me ask myself, do i also know how to give? if i do, what do i usually give? and why do i give? this reflection reminds me of a priest saying in his homily, 'giving has to hurt for it to be really giving'. those words struck me. it somehow changed how and why i give. before, it was all about the things i would get in return after giving. looking at it, expecting something in return alters the real meaning of the act. it becomes trading. 'give me that before i give you this' or 'i'll give you this but you also have to give that to me'. this was how it worked. it was like investing on something and 'gaining' profit from it. it didn't do good at all. i always ended up being disappointed for not getting what i expected. it takes time to learn how to truly give. giving without thinking about the benefits. without thinking about ourselves. giving until it hurts.

on receiving do not forget to give. give until it hurts. but do not give all. leave something for yourself. this may sound selfish, but it should be clear to us that we cannot give what we do not have or if we do not have anything. i'm not just referring to material things, i'm also talking about intangible things like time, attention, love, etc. giving selflessly is the highest form of this act and this is something we all have to learn. giving selflessly is only possible when the act is done out of love. it should be clear to us that things just doesn't end with giving. we also have to know how to receive. life is full of needs. sometimes we get what we need and sometimes we don't. not getting what we need is a cause of suffering, a situation we do not like. needing is a sign of our humanity, that we were not created to live alone. the same goes with suffering, we have to accept the fact that this is not an easy life. receiving should come with a deep sense of gratitude...it should come with thankfulness. one can only be happy when one knows how to be truly thankful. yes, there's so much to be thankful for. they are not just the good things that happen to our lives but also the pains and hardships. from them we draw our sense of maturity, from them we learn how to trust Him more.

ennui ii it takes a good friend to tell you that your eyes has become like that of a dead fish. enthusiasm lost. the will to live is slowly dying. when day to day living is seen as a burden. waking up means another day of suffering. routine and the inability to get something new out of the old.boredom. the eyes of a dead fish is just dark. it doesn't glisten anymore. it simply lack the signs of life. simply dead. a dead fish in the market. before seeing it there, must have enjoyed swimming in the sea before it was caught and before it slowly died in the absence of water. but it did its purpose. simply swam, ate and even reproduced. lived the life of a fish. did the fish know what its purpose was? can this also happen to human beings? is this also possible with the way we live? eat, sleep and procreate. yes. probably in the absence of our thinking brains. in the absence of our rational minds. maybe if we didn't have any notion of what boredom is and what it is all about, we wouldn't be suffering this much. the dead fish didn't have reason, this also applies to live ones. it did not have the mind to tell us that it was as bored as man. or that it wasn't enjoying life. logically a lower being. maybe. 'maybe' is a thought. an answer to an inquiry of uncertainty. the mind is driven by 'maybes'or 'maybe ifs', if not the two, it would be the great 'what if'. signs of anxiety. and this life, as pascal would say it, is full of boredom, inconstancy and anxiety. how can we be happy if we are bound by these three states? how can one be happy if one finds himself waking up at 3am and makes a dialogue with death? difficult. the person is not sick, he is just asking death. the mind finds death as something senseless, but causes so much anxiety. diversion is continuously evolving. escapism has become an essential part of existence .can we not see that time is fleeting? everything, temporary. man tends to cling on something or on someone, and it's all because he clings to himself. not wanting to see the real reality. diversion ultimately makes man's life miserable. i cannot stay in just one place. it is like the randomness of man's thoughts, doesn't follow a certain pattern or order. just goes where it wants to go. just free to wander. the problem i see here is we tend to savor pain and choose to wallow in it even when we have the choice to be simply happy. and we never get tired, or should i say get bored of boredom itself. we paradoxically

enjoy it's company. pascal must be right when he said 'all man's miseries derive from not being able to sit still in a room'. the question now is, who makes life complicated? who causes so much anxiety? sit still in a room. alone. and you'll see that it's mainly the self clinging to the false self.

read what makes reading different from any other activity? it makes one think. thinking at its peak.(note: the reading material should be mentally stimulating. not all books make people think.) when we say thinking, it means not just accepting facts as they come. if we look at the present scenario, it's all about tv and internet. instant information. what one sees, one accepts without thinking much. reading teaches an individual to ask questions. the right questions. this has become a generation of 'wiki brains'. making us far from intelligence. i remember an instructor relating his experience when he taught at a certain university. he gave his students a research project. about 90% submitted 'copy and paste' paper, complete with the links and ads on each page. what did the students learn? sometimes so much convenience could make learning difficult. there's a big difference between being intelligent and being an intellectual. intelligence is something innate. it doesn't stop with facts. it is more than acquiring knowledge. wiki does a lot of help though, but intelligence does not stop with it, it goes further. intelligence could sometimes be equated with wisdom itself.intellectual people know the answers, but they delve more on trivial matters, information which wouldn't really matter if we knew them or not. they appear to be wise because they know something. but talk about depth and they would not know what to say. these trivial information just eat up our memory storage. mental trash as we call it. reading should rather make us want more. it should make us realize that there is something more than these facts and figures. it deepens knowledge and gradually leads the individual to wisdom. reading should help us become intelligent.when we stop reading, we are choosing the road to mental stagnation. here is something which could help us improve and appreciate reading. something which could make us avoid mental stagnation.