Situationistfebruary09

Situationist warms his cold, cold heart “Saints preserve us” is of course one of the milder English expletives; and preserve us they do according to many. Take Saint Barbara for instance. Apparently born of wealthy pagan stock, she was martyred for her faith in the 3rd century AD when Christianity was still out fly-posting for members. So let down was her old man Dioscurus by her rejection of an arranged marriage to an idolater that when flaming torches failed to consumer her, and her torture wounds spontaneously healed, he lopped her head off himself. As fate would have it though, in a mildly happy ending to the story it seems he was struck by lightning in an IKEA car park the very same day. Babs meanwhile has by logical extension become the patron saint of explosives experts and those risking violent death at work. And the address for all these lethal shenanigans? Nicomedia, or modern İzmit, an hour away from İstanbul. Enough of Barbara though, ‘cause it’s frozen February, and time again for an entirely more popular figure from the saintly pantheon. And I don’t mean Saint Elmer, protector of Bluegrass musicians in ‘them thar hills’ with more fingers than nature intended for a banjo player. No, enter instead, of course, Saint Valentine. Because on the 14th of the month many of us here will be forking out on roses that were much cheaper the day before as a heartfelt token of wanting to get off with that special person in our lives. What’s that - you’d like to know a bit about the geezer behind the tradition? I’m just coming to that. Saints are sometimes a little bit like busses. There isn’t one devoted to a particular cause for centuries and suddenly three come along at once. Of the three possible Saint Valentines, two were reportedly martyred in Italy and one somewhere in Africa. But then there’s the question of why this particular time of year at all. Well, the Athenians, whose complex civilization combined art and nascent democracy with the microskirt worn by both sexes, recognized the dull and drizzly period between midJanuary and mid-February as the month of Gamelion. This saw a celebration of the fertile marriage between Zeus and Hera, the goddess of women and marriage, and incidentally, his older sister (cue Bluegrass soundtrack). Jeez, no wonder Mercury had wings on his feet and Poseidon had a lazy eye. Anyway, it’s possible that, just like Christmas, we have here a case of Christianity moving in cuckoo-like on an ancient pagan ritual. Whatever the case, in 1969 the Roman Catholic Church actually re-thunk its own Calendar of Saints, whereby Saint Valentine was removed altogether. His case was simply considered a tad too vague to allow the belief that he had really lived among us. The same fate, as matters transpired, befell poor Saint Barbara mentioned earlier. Saint Elmer I actually made up, and all rumors of his barnyard propensities are a scurrilous fiction. In actual fact, it was only the medieval ribaldry of Geoffrey Chaucer’s farting monks and dodgy pilgrims that

linked Saint Valentine with romance at all in the modern sense. With chubby Cupid and his quiver of amorous arrows, with myriad heart-shaped objects of affection, and with lovers exchanging thoughts on one another; never a good idea as my wife will attest. My extensive research at the University of Wikipedia has revealed that the first recorded association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love may well have appeared in Chaucer’s ditty “Parlement of Foules” (1382). This was actually written as a tribute to the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia. Yet being written by Chaucer, it was a litany of spelling mistakes and, by stanza eight, a treatise on cheese water and gum infection. The rest, as they say, is commercialism. And talking of undying love, how about some practical suggestions for that special date right here in İstanbul? Well, how about a late night stroll through that most celebrated of republican symbols, Taksim Square? Warmly dressed and snuggled close together, set off very slowly outside the Marmara Hotel at about 11.50pm, and moving in an anti-clockwise direction aim to reach the gypsy flower sellers by İstiklal Caddesi at about 12.15am on February 15th. By which time you should expect a discount. Or else prove to them that your love could span continents. Karaköy to Kadıköy ferry: YTL1.30 x 4 = YTL5.20 round trip (on-board tea optional). Nice. Valentines Day eh? You’ve gotta love it.