Assertiveness: “don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No” -herbert Fensterhein

ASSERTIVENESS “DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO” -Herbert Fensterhein

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DOES IT HAPPEN TO YOU?  Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way?  Is it difficult for you to express your feelings openly and honestly?  Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at others?

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 Do you yell at your group mates when they don’t pay any heed to your idea? “YES” is an expression of “LACK OF ASSERTION OR ASSERTIVENESS IN COMMUNICATION”

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OK CORRAL: LIFE POSITIONS VS ATTITUDE I'M NOT OK YOU'RE OK

I'M OK YOU'RE OK

 

 

"I wish I could do that as well as  you do“

"Hey, we're making good  progress now"

Passive

Assertive

I'M NOT OK YOU'RE NOT OK

I'M OK YOU'RE NOT OK

 

 

"Oh this is terrible – we'll never  make it“

"You're not doing that right – let me show you"

Confused

Aggressive 4

“I’m OK, you’re OK”:

people are in the ‘get on with’ position “I’m OK, you’re not OK” : people are in the ‘get rid of’ position “I’m not OK, you’re OK”: people are in the ‘get away position’ “I’m not OK, you’re not OK” : people are in the ‘get nowhere’ position All four positions have bearing on individual thinking and subsequent verbal manifestations (communication)

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AGGRESSION  Getting my own way anyway – cost to others, not my concern  No interest or respect for the rights, wants or needs of others  Usually destructive – physically or psychologically or both  The basic message remains: “This is what I think – you’re stupid for believing differently. This is what I want – what you want is not important.” 6

AGGRESSION IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:  Invasive/angry staring-eye contact  Loud strident voice,  Invasion of spatial boundaries,  Use of aggressive gestures  Stiff or muscled up posture,  Towering over others, etc

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AGGRESSION

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AGGRESSION AFTERMATH:  Aggression often breeds aggression- a vicious cycle  Aggression can make us unpopular  Aggression discourages helping hands in the future  Short-term and myopic “feel-good” factor

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PASSIVITY  Violating one’s own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs in a manner easily disregarded by others  The basic message: “My feelings don’t matter – only yours do. My thoughts aren’t important – yours are the only ones worth listening to. I am nothing – you are superior.” 10

PASSIVITY Behaving as other people’s rights matter more than our own Goal is to appease others and to avoid conflict at any cost Passive people don’t consider as if they have the right to: Have an opinion, Contribute, and Be valued 11

PASSIVITY IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:  No eye contact(indirect or evasive eye contact)  Soft or muffled voice,  Cringing or physically making yourself small(hang-dog posture),  Use of nervous or childish gestures, etc

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PASSIVITY

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PASSIVITY AFTERMATH:  Not getting what we want  Inviting less respect from others  Reduced stress in the short term  Likely permanent under-confidence

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CONFUSED  These people feel confused or aimless  They don’t see the point of doing anything, and so usually don’t bother  People tend to become deceptive/ misleading

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CONFUSED

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ASSERTIVENESS: WHAT IS IT? Assertiveness is the ability to express ones thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the line of communication open with the other. - Ryan and Travis

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ASSERTIVENESS That Code of conduct which enables an individual to think in a positive manner about oneself & the co-participants, to be open to ideas and suggestions and willing to accept change if the need so arises. - Asha Kaul Professor IIM - A 18

ASSERTIVENESS  Sees everyone as equal with equal rights and equal responsibility  It’s about finding ‘win:win’ solutions  Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways that do not violate another person’ rights 19

IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:  Direct but non-invasive eye contact,  Modulated voice,  Respect for spatial boundaries,  Use of illustrative gestures,  An erect but relaxed postures,  Wearing a friendly yet professional look, etc

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ASSERTIVENESS

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BONUS:  Necessary skill for human survival  A reflector of positive mental health  Assertiveness increases the chances of our needs being met  It allows us to remain in control  Assertiveness brings greater selfconfidence 22

 Assertiveness lets us have greater confidence in others  Assertive people have more friends  You experience fewer conflicts and arguments  Reduced stress

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ASSERTIVENESS: SOME MYTHS  “I will get what I want”: Not necessarily. Not a form of manipulation otherwise no mutual respect will exist.

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 “There is a need to be assertive in all situations”: Not true. You may choose to be nonassertive when:  Dealing with overly sensitive individuals who become threatened when faced with open communication  Unusual circumstances call for special understanding and compassion  Chances of misinterpretation are high 25

 “Others will be assertive if you are assertive” Not necessarily Others may respond with confusion, passiveness, or open aggression or they may withdraw completely

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EGO STATES OR PERSONALITY TYPES Berne defined three basic personalities or Ego States – Each with characteristic attitudes, feelings, behaviours and language. Two of the states subdivide into two further facets.

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THE EGO STATES PARENT CRITICAL

Make rules and sets limits PARENT Disciplines, judges and criticizes NURTURING Advises and guides PARENT Protects and nurtures

ADULT

CHILD

Concerned with data and fact Considers options and estimates probabilities Makes unemotional decisions Plans and makes things happen FREE Fun loving and energetic (NATURAL) Creative and spontaneous CHILD

ADAPTED CHILD

Compliant and polite Rebellious and manipulative

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EGO STATES VS LIFE POSITIONS STRIKING THE BALANCE

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HOW ASSERTIVE AM I? For each situation below, mark each response as either passive, aggressive, assertive or confused. Situation 1: Your friend has just complimented you on how well dressed you are and how nice you look. You feel pleased, and you say:

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a. “Oh come on, you’re just saying that to be nice. You probably say that to everybody.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused b. “Thank you.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused c. “Oh, I bought this on sale.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused d. “Yeah, life is full of fun.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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Situation 2: You have just been criticized by your family because they didn’t like what you prepared for the evening meal. You say: a. “Oh I didn’t know that food is bad. Anyways, I will not cook any more in the future.” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused 32

HOW ASSERTIVE AM I? - 4 b. “Nothing” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused c. “Shut up! If you don’t like what I cook, you cook it yourself !” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused d. “I think your criticism is unfair. Tell me what you like that I can cook next time.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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Situation 3: You are returning a faulty item to the department store. You bought a shirt and when you got it home, you found it to have a flaw in it. You don’t want the item as it is. The clerk has just said, “It’s a sale merchandise, and besides no one will ever notice it.” You say:

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a. “Well, I still want to return this one and either get my money refunded, or exchange it for one that is not defective. I do not want this one” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused  “Look, give me my money back. I don’t have all day for you to waste my time.” Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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c. “Well, I suppose I can keep it, if you’re sure it won’t show.” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused d. “I think you have cheated me. I will just call the police.” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused 36

Situation 4: You and your partner are dinning out at a moderately expensive restaurant. You have ordered a medium Tandoori Chicken. When the Tandoori is served, it is rather over done. You :

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a. Grumble to yourself but eat the Tandoori and say nothing to the waiter. When you pay the bill and the cashier asks, “How was everything?,” You say, “Fine.” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused

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b. Say to the waiter, “I ordered my Tandoori to be cooked medium. This is over done. Please bring me one cooked medium.” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused

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c. Get up and complain to the cashier about the poor service. “If people can’t cook what I order, I am not going to eat here!” Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused d. You yell at the waiter and walk out of the restaurant. Assertive-Aggressive-PassiveConfused 40

THIS IS WHERE I STAND… OPTION SIT- 1

SIT - 2

SIT- 3

SIT - 4

a

Passive

Confused

Assertive

Passive

b

Assertive Passive

c

Passive

d

Confused Assertive

AggressiveAssertive

AggressivePassive Confused

Aggressive Confused 41

HOW TO PRAISE AND CRITICISE  Comment on specific actions than generalizing it

e.g., ‘You missed the deadline for that report’ rather than ‘You are absolutely hopeless at managing your time’ 42

 Follow up with reasons for your comments. e.g.,

‘You missed the deadline for that report, probably because you have been spending more time on telesales than we planned.’ ‘Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?’ 43

 Do not use insincere praise

e.g., ‘I know you are the most hardworking person in this office.’ ‘Perhaps you could just write up the minutes for me?’

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When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody’s personality.

e.g., ‘You seem to be getting lot of complaints.’ instead say:

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‘You seem to be getting lot of customer complaints in your section at the moment. Do you know what the problem is.’ Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment 46

WHETHER ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’ Rationally, saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ depends upon the nature of the anticipated outcome You say ‘Yes’ when anticipated outcome satisfies you You say ‘No’ when anticipated outcome does not satisfy you 47

HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ - 1 SL. DOs NO.

DON’Ts

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Provide logic and reason

Say ‘no’ at the start

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Have something else in Give excuses the offing

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Be ready to accomplish Confused the task at a later stage

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Accept or reject at the Move in the domain first instance of “doubtful”

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Use “Umbrella Campaign” tactics

Promise and then retreat 48

Thank You…

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