Origin Myth

The Origin of the Universe and the Peopling of the World A Chigger Hilton Production

MAN U R DUM

In the beginning there was nothing

Nothing In the beginning there was nothing. Then out of Nothing came Mrs. Garrett from "Facts of Life.” She watched over Nothing for 1000 years. She began to think a lot about Nothing. She began to nurture Nothing. She began to talk to Nothing, even giving Nothing little nicknames like “ nada” and “ zippo.” Eventually she grew tired of Nothing. And she grew lonely. She yearned for companionship. She wanted to multiply and sought the advice of an "epigenetic counselor” named Thatius Peter Guy, known to his friends as “ That Guy.” That Guy told her that there were too many non-linearities in the diploid genotype-phenotype map to make an accurate assessment of her offspring's health. He suggested parthenogenetic budding. She took this advice to heart and paid him the previously agreed upon price: some Indiana Drizzle Corn and a Matel Electronics “ Intellivision.” She then proceeded to engage in pathenogenetic budding.

Our Supreme Predecessor, Mrs. Garrett That Guy

Mrs. Garrettʼs payment to That Guy for her epigenetic counseling sessions: some Indiana drizzle corn and a Matel Intellivision

The origin of the high court of aliens

Mrs. Garrett

Bob Ross

Tony Kronman

Fry Daddy

Out of her thorax, Mrs. Garrett spawned three sib-clones: Bob Ross, the deceased painter from the PBS television show; Tony Kronman, former Dean of Yale Law School; and Fry Daddy, the home deep-frier that allows every household to enjoy fried foods (manufactured exclusively by Presto). Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, Tony Kronman, and Fry Daddy comprise the high court of aliens. Mrs. Garrett was happy now that she had companions in her life. The high court ruled over Nothing. They discussed issues relating to Nothing. And they sometimes even fought over Nothing. The high court of aliens was a family of sorts but all they had was each other and Nothing.

Nothing

The high court of aliens pictured along with Nothing

The high court of aliens eventually agreed that discussing Nothing, watching Nothing, and even fighting over Nothing was boring. Therefore, they created the universe. In addition to Nothing, the universe contained stars, planets, asteroids, comets, and all that jazz. It also contained our solar system and earth. The earth contained continents, plants, animals, bacteria--pretty much all life forms as well as physical matter but NO PEOPLE AND NO CATS.

Nothing

The Universe The universe contained stars, planets, asteroids, comets, the earth, and all that jazz.

The first people on earth: Canadians One day, the high court of aliens decided there should be people and their first task was to create Canadians. The Canadians lived peacefully on earth playing hockey and apologizing to each other by saying “ sorry” with a long “ o” sound. The Canadians prospered, multiplied, and developed cooking techniques. The Canadians were the first people on earth. They lived happily in different types of marital arrangements: monogamy, polyandry, polygyny, and hippie communes. It was a peaceful time and Canadian society evolved autonomously without intervention from the high court of aliens.

The roots of evil and the founding of Texas As Canadian society evolved and grew more complex, inevitably a few Canadians turned to the dark side; they turned into evil people. The names of the first bad Canadians were Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton. These gentlemen were all overweight and they all wore white suits. They have loyal wives who secretly disliked them. These men started to foment seeds of separatism among some Canadians

Mr. Jones

Mr. Sandercock

Mr. Jackson

Mr. Stanton

One day, Mr. Stanton was hunting in Saskatchewan and he came upon a young bull moose. He was about to shoot the bull moose, when the bull moose turned to him and said, "if you spare my life, I shall direct you to a land where riches are found." Mr. Stanton agreed. The bull moose said, "Gaze upon my withers, you will see a birthmark which outlines a landform. Seek that land and ye shall prosper." The birthmark was in the shape of Texas. Mr. Stanton noted the great shape of Texas in his fieldbook and then Mr. Stanton, breaking his word, shot the bull moose. He returned from hunting and told the others about his journey. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton, and their loyal wives who despised them, all moved to Texas along with other separatist Canadians. There they prospered on oil and multiplied into white Texans. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton were the leaders of the white Texans. The Canadians and Texans lived peaceably for a time and each society went on to create things such as agriculture, lawn ornaments, and Broadway musicals.

A talking bull moose with birthmark of Texas on its withers. Mr. Stanton shot this moose after the moose told him the location of Texas--an evilshaped region where Mr. Stanton and other bad Canadians could start a new life.

Indexicans, housecats, and the plot to control more power The high court of aliens was not pleased that Mr. Stanton shot the talking bull moose. As punishment, they created a race of people called “ the Indexicans” who would always threaten the integrity and work-ethic of the white Texans. The Indexicans inhabited what is now present-day Mexico. The white Texans enjoyed their land but were cursed with feelings of spite and scorn toward the hard-working, effortlessly family-oriented Indexicans. Ultimately, all people on the earth are derived from Canadians, Texans, and Indexicans, or some combination thereof.

The hotel room in Dallas where the four Texan men plotted to secure more power from the high court of aliens

The Indexicans

As the white Texans grew in numbers, they also grew in greed. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton met in a hotel room on Dallas. There, they decided they needed to secure more power for themselves and set out to bribe one of the aliens of the high court. After some debate, they decided that Tony Kronman would be the most susceptible to such venal actions. They agreed to bribe Tony with box seats to the musical "Cats.” This was a mistake. Unbeknownst to both the Texans and Tony Kronman, Mrs. Garrett had secretly created housecats about two weeks before their meeting. She created cats as a means to keep track of the goings-on among Canadians, Texans, and Indexicans. Thus the Texans had bribed Tony Kronman with tickets to a Broadway musical that celebrated the very creatures that were designed to eavesdrop on Texans and others.

tickets Tony Kronman

It is common knowledge today that cats are "little eavesdroppers" who use their ears as antennas and send messages back to Mrs. Garrett about the activities of humans on earth. The white Texans implemented their bribery scheme, but soon after this bribery, most the white Texan men developed cat allergies while simultaneously the wives of the white Texan men developed a fondness for cats. Chances are, if you are allergic to cats, you are descended from a white Texas male.

Mrs. Garrett secretly created housecats as a means to eavesdrop on the earth people. Cats use their ears to send and receive messages to and from Mrs. Garrett.

The fundamental balance of power in the universe As it turns out, the high court (except Tony) became aware of the plan hatched in a hotel room in Dallas by Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton. The high court decided to let the situation "play out" thinking that Tony Kronman would not succumb to such bribery, so they did very little, except to create the cat-allergies to which white Texan men were particularly susceptible. Over time, Tony Kronman was able to communicate with the white Texas leaders when they went hunting because hunting involved men and dogs and not eavesdropping cats or wives. Tony Kronman told the Texans that the reason they could not have all the power in the universe was that the high court of aliens controlled the power and that he was pretty sure “ it also involves cats.” Later that week Tony Kronman ran into That Guy outside a Chuck E Cheese. They exchanged pleasantries and then That Guy revealed a secret to Tony: if you develop numerous locally-produced television commercials that advertise local businesses, this will disrupt the power balance in the Universe. In essence, if there are more cats than locally-produced TV commercials, good will prevail but if there are more locally-produced TV commercials than cats, evil will prevail.

A fortuitous meeting between Tony Kronman and That Guy outside a Chuck E Cheese leads to a revelation about the balance of power in the universe

Tony Kronman

That Guy

Several thousand poorly-produced 30-second TV commercials advertising local businesses were developed by the white Texans as a means to control the universe. They featured products like usedcars, furniture, Boat-n-RV expos, oil paintings, and local eateries. These commercials are often louder than normal programming and tend to have pasty white men looking awkward while they make exaggerated claims about service, experience, and quality. These commercials had the intended effect of disrupting signals from the cat's ears to the high court.

Screenshots from locally-produced TV commercials made by white Texans as a means to control more power in the universe.

The Great Sag: The first diaspora As more locally-produced commercials were made, Texans began to control more power in the universe and evil began to prevail. The high court of aliens met in Tony Kronman’s absence in order to restore order to the universe and prevent evil from dominating earth. They set in motion a plan: every time a Texan man watched a locally-produced TV commercial, he would become a little bit impotent. This plan was quite effective as Texans watch a lot of TV. After several years of TV watching, the Texan men could not make love to their wives. Some Texan wives became very annoyed; some were overjoyed however. To combat their impotency, the white Texan men drank lots of bottled water and also came to believe that impotency was caused by chemicals in the shed fur of housecats. The fur was believed to enter into the system of white Texan men through their mouths, ears, and eyes, thus rendering them impotent. As a result, the white Texan men ordered their wives to vacuum more often, and during love making the white Texan men wore earplugs, shut their eyes, and clenched their teeth. This rendered them poor, unemotional lovers. During this period--referred to as The Great Sag--the number of white Texans began to dwindle as wives moved away from their unpriapic, unsensuous Texas husbands and began to settle elsewhere.

Typical love-making face of a white Texas male during The Great Sag. It is estimated the 14,000 Texan wives left their husbands during this time and resettled in other parts of the world

Saucer Doat-Hey and the Texas trade route Impotency made the white Texan men’s sexual appetite dwindle. They also lost interest in power and thus limited the production of locallyproduced television commercials. Cats began to become as numerous as locally-produced television commercials and a balance between good and evil was restored. Around this time a sagacious Indexican was born. He was the product of a progressively-minded academic couple who decided to hyphenate their last name. This individual was called “ Saucer Doat-Hey.” He grew up and became the leader of the Indexicans. Instead of power, Saucer Doat-Hey sought trade. But he also sought revenge.

Saucer Doat-Hey has a hyphenated last name because he was born to an academic couple. He grew up and became the leader of the Indexicans.

Saucer Doat-Hey sought permission to begin a trade route with the Canadians through white Texan territory. The Indexicans planned to trade used auto-parts for corn and sugar-substitutes. Saucer Doat-Hey approached Mr. Stanton and proffered that the Indexicans are ready to pay him 10% of their trade-tariffs if the white Texans allow the Indexicans to travel through Texan land. Mr. Stanton met with his elders, again in a hotel room in Dallas. Mr. Jones brought the poker chips, but Mr. Sandercock forgot the cards, so the meeting is all business. They agreed to Saucer Doat-Hey's offer but stated that the trade route must not come up through Brownsville-Harlingen, but swing West toward the Texas Panhandle.

To Indexicans

To Canadians

Saucer Doat-Hey was ecstatic to hear their news. This is because he was secretly conniving with Fry Daddy to trick the Texans. He sought to trick them because his father was pure Indexican but his mother was a white Texan who left her homeland during The Great Sag. Saucer Doat-Hey was raised to be a proud Texan by his mother, even though she herself had fled her homeland to live with the Indexicans. Her actions confused Saucer Doat-Hey and eventually sowed seeds of resentment for Texans in the young leader. After the trade route was opened and spark plugs, fenders, and steering wheels were moving north and Splenda, Equal, Sweet-n Low, and corn were moving south, the Indexicans launched their strategy. They opened a series of restaurants along the trade route that had the appearance of familyowned, neighborhood-friendly restaurants. But they were secretly chain restaurants. Texans flocked to these restaurants because they have family-appeal and are owned by family-oriented Indexicans. These restaurants specialized in large portions and deep frying. Unbeknownst to the Texans, the Indexicans seeded the drinking water with sugar-substitutes causing mild impotency among white Texan men.

A typical restaurant opened by the Indexicans along the Texas trade route. These restaurants were part of a larger scheme of revenge, as planned by Saucer Doat-Hey.

The Texas spell and Dave McGuttierez When Tony Kronman found out about Fry Daddy's plan with the Indexicans, he cast a spell on the Indexicans. The spell ensures that the Indexicans will never-ever be able to purchase reasonably-sized amounts of food stuffs while they shop; instead they are predilected for eternity to always buy-in-bulk: huge jars of Mayonaise, pallets of lunch loaf, four gallon jugs of half-n-half, etc. While this buy-inbulk spell is good for restauranteuring, it rapidly fills Mexican households with surplus food items and thus has the intended effect of souring the Indexican people on Saucer Doat-Hey.

Indexicans are outraged by their inability to purchase food items in reasonably-sized packages. They begin to rebel against Saucer Doat-Hey

An brash Indexican named Dave McGutierrez begins to organize the Indexican anger into an all-out resistance movement. He preaches from the kiosk on the corner, across the street from the Super Sam’s Club. Indexicans loyal to Dave McGutierrez’s show their solidarity to his cause by walking on their knees from Matamoros to Old Latrobe and back--a pilgrimage known today as The Mend of Meniscus. Some of Dave McGutiuerrez’s followers, the “ McDexicans” as they are called, stay in Old Latrobe, Pennsylvania. In years to come, these individuals will start a brewery called “ Rolling Rock.”

Dave McGutierrez (left) foments anger in the Indexicans. As a gesture of loyalty, his followers walk on their knees from Matamoros to Old Latrobe

Dave McGutierrez convinces his followers to migrate into Texas to find jobs and homes that are uncluttered by industrial-sized containers of food. The Texans are not exactly happy about this recent influx but eventually they settle down and get back to their cigars, boots, and round steak. Dave McGutierrez, meanwhile, has big plans. He seeks to become the leader of the Indexicans and sets up several meetings with Mr. Stanton. More and more Indexicans begin to listen to Dave McGutierrez’s rabble-rousing and Saucer Doat-Hey begins to get nervous. He immediately calls Fry-Daddy on his two-way wrist radio. They meet in their usual spot, that red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind.” There, in the red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind,” they plot to quell Dave McGutierrez’s nascent rebellion. They finalize their plan to permanently remove Dave McGuttierez and his McDexican followers from the scene. The Ridiculous Promotion is put into action.

The red vinyl booth, as featured in the movie “Gone with the Wind,” was a favorite meeting spot of Saucer Doat-Hey and Fry Daddy

The Ridiculous Promotion and the peopling of southeast Asia The Ridiculous Promotion, the plan hatched by Saucer Doat-Hey and Fry Daddy, consists of luring Dave McGutierrez and the rest of the McDexicans to a distant land--what is now present-day southeast Asia, Australia and New Zealand--with promises of cash bonuses and soccer-stadium horns for their children. Several thousand flyers are printed and distributed throughout the neighborhoods where the McDexicans live. These flyers promise “ A New Land, with lots of room to stretch your legs and store your belongings…Act Now, the first 3000 participants will be given a cash bonus, three soccer stadium horns, and a plot of land large enough to hold thirty cows or build two soccer fields…Travel will be payed for by The Presto Group, a conglomerate of Fellowship Foods, Inc.” Several of Dave McGutteriez’s inner circle see the flyers and convince Dave that the move should be made. Dave ponders the move and eventually decides to move to the new land. This migration, due to the Ridiculous Promotion, is one of the major demographic mechanisms that allows for the colonization of the southern hemisphere. Soccer stadium horns are louder in the southern hemisphere.

The Ridiculous Promotion, which promised land, cash, and soccer stadium horns to the McDexicans led to the colonization of Australia, New Zealand, and southeast Asia. For some time after the Ridiculous Promotion there was a strange peace that came over the world. The Canadians, Texans, Indexicans, and and the newly settled McDexicans all lived happily. In addition to occupying North and Central America, other parts of the world were colonized due to The Great Sag, The Mend of Meniscus, and the aforementioned Ridiculous Promotion. Many of the Indexicans were generally pleased with Saucer Doat-Hey’s leadership and to ease the curse of buying-in-bulk they bought sheds and out-buildings to store their bulk food items. The different societies grew and evolved and inter-mingled, eventually developing new technologies and agricultural techniques, as well as new ways to package food items using shrink-wrap and wax-covered cardboard.

The Begatment of Auru

Auru begat begat Complex genealogy showing the relationships between Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, and the progeny of these two, Auru (pictured above).

For some time after the Ridiculous Promotion, peace availed itself to the earth people. This was good but soon the high court of aliens became bored and started to think about Nothing as well as the earth and the people that they had created. Since boredom leads to more boredom as well as to malaise, the high court began to bicker and fight. First, Bob Ross accused Tony Kronman of colluding with the Texans. Then, Tony Kronman accused Fry Daddy of plotting with Saucer Doat-Hey. Then, a major bomb was dropped when That Guy innocently sent a greeting card to the high court of aliens’ home, congratulating Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross on the birth of their first son, a diploid alien they named Auru. As one can imagine, Tony Kronman and Fry Daddy went into a frenzy. Incest had been committed in the high court: Bob Ross had sired a son, Auru, with his sibclone mother, Mrs. Garrett.

A greeting card sent from That Guy to Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross led to the revelation of Auru That Guy

Auru’s many avatars Before we discuss the incestuous actions of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross, let us learn about their diploid alien child Auru. Auru was a gifted and quite precocious child, happy to spend most of his time in the garden burning ants with a magnifying glass, or stuffing a tennis ball full of matchsticks. Auru, being born to the high court of aliens, was a special creature who had many avatars. Among his most common avatars are Marc Bolan, Katie Couric, an air conditioner, any punter from an A.F.C. football team, and Funyuns. He would spend days at a time in one of these avatars, either chugging away in someone’s window, punting for the Seattle Seahawks, or sitting in the potato chip aisle at a local grocery store. He was particularly fond of reading the CBS news every so often. Auru always knew he was special but it wasn’t until he discovered his true purpose did he realize how special he was. But we are getting ahead of ourselves

An air conditioner Marc Bolan

Funyuns

Any AFC Punter

Katie Couric

The Volatile Stint The incestuous actions of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross did not go unpunished. Their actions instigated numerous nonlinearities in the cosmological fabric. The entire high court was thrown into a turmoil and both Tony Kronman and Fry Daddy felt deeply betrayed. Because each one had sided with a different earth people, they each encouraged war among these groups. The volatile stint was a very dark chapter in the history of the world. The Texans, spurred on by Tony Kronman, declared war on the Canadians. The Texas Trade route was closed and thousands of used auto parts were confiscated. As a result, Canadians could not fix their cars and had to rely on animals for transportation. During this period Canadian Mounties were created; the Mounties rode horses and patrolled the Canadian border in search of Texan war parties. The Indexicans no longer had ample supply of sugar-substitutes and they had to revert to using real sugar in their foods and beverages.

Photos of war combat during the Volatile Stint

The Indexicans waged war on the Texans, such that the Texans now had a war on two fronts. In response to this, the McDexicans based in Old Latrobe declared war on both the Indexicans and the Canadians; the McDexicans based in southeast Asia and Australia also entered the war, siding with the Texans. During this period, several new evil technologies were developed including mustard gas, the Snuggie, plaid fabric, and digital watches. Many habitats were destroyed and few parts of the world were spared as descendants of the Texans, Indexicans, Canadians, and McDexicans fought with each other in all parts of the globe. In the high court, Bob Ross was not speaking to Fry Daddy or Tony Kronman. Even Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross fought, but they fought over childcare and school districts.

Plaid fabric and digital watches were just two of the evil technologies developed during the Volatile Stint

Auru’s vision and plan for peace At some point during the Volatile Stint, Auru took the form of the San Diego Charger’s 2nd-string punter. He was sitting in the locker room listening to the postgame speech. San Diego had been defeated 27 to 3 by the Baltimore Ravens. Auru had punted the ball three times during the game and all three resulted in either touchbacks or were squib-kicks that had a very limited hang-time. He was disappointed and distracted. He considered changing back into Auru or into another avatar like an air conditioner. But instead he just sat there and half-listened to the coach. He thought of all the bad stuff that was happening in the world: the wars, the lack of cats, the invention of plaid fabric, the sporadic trade along the Texas trade route, the preponderance of locally-produced TV commercials. He also thought of the good times, when few of the earth’s people were not fighting and coexisted in peace. It was an endless cycle. Things changed but they never changed. It was the same shit, but a different day. At that point, Auru glanced to his left and saw locker number 037. Scrawled on the locker door was some graffiti. He looked at the graffiti and thought: things never change, folks continue to write stupid things in public places. But then he looked a little closer at the graffiti. Someone had written “ MAN U R DUM” down the locker door. Auru nearly lept out of his bench. Not-so-hidden in this phrase was his own name “ AURU.” Further, Auru noticed that somone had written “ SSDD” and “ Yo Mama” and also drew a rather crude penis. A light went off in Auru’s head. Auru felt quite silly for not having this insight before. He realized that he was the genetic average of his dad, Bob Ross (the penis-drawing led him to think of his father) and Mrs. Garrett (Yo Mama). Yet he was also a unique individual. He was both unique and an average. In fact, everyone on earth was both unique and average. No wonder that the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. SSDD clearly stood for “ same shit, different day.” Upon thinking about all this, Auru came up with a plan to end the Volatile Stint and allow the earth’s peoples to live autonomously without any meddling from the high court of aliens. All that was needed was an agreement among different factions as well as a governing theorem--what is known today as the SSDD theorem--that guaranteed that the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. He began to laugh. And then he began to formulate The Laughable Agreement there in the Balitimore Ravens locker room.

s co n o z B r Fag e ar

While an avatar as an A.F.C. punter, Auru sees some graffiti written on a locker door in the Baltimore Ravens locker room. It says “MAN U R DUM” but also reveals his name: “AURU.” This leads to a revelation in Auru and he sets about laying the groundwork for the SSDD theorem. (see Appendix 1)

The Laughable Agreement guarantees same shit, different day and a balance between good and evil Auru quickly summoned the high court, Saucer Doat-Hey, Dave McGutierrez, and Mr. Stanton. He also summoned That Guy to act as a moderator. They all met in that red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind.” After they arrived, he spoke swiftly and somewhat eloquently, “ We all agree there are problems with the earth’s people. We have created them, we have nurtured them, and we have even played with them for our own amusement (he cast an eye on Tony Kronman and Mr. Stanton). This must stop. We must let the earth’s peoples exist independently and autonomously from us. I have a gained tremendous insight into a theorem--a natural law, if you will, that will allow the earthlings to coexist from day to day, autonomously and independently. I call this theorem ‘ the SSDD theorem’ It guarantees that earthlings will always be unique but in spite of this uniqueness, nothing will change: people will never get brighter or taller or meaner or lazier. They will just exist. I propose through a formal agreement that we let the SSDD theorem govern the earth’s peoples and that we, the high-court of aliens as well as respected earthing guests (again he looks over at Mr. Stanton, Saucer Doat-Hey, and Dave McGutierrez) cease our meddlings with the earth people. The Volatile Stint must end. If there is to be war among the earth people it must arise endogenously through them, not through us. We must stop our meddling. We must stop. We must. We…” And Auru trailed off.

VS

+

SSDD theorem

=

There was a silence after he spoke. And then, slowly, everybody applauded. That Guy banged his gavel on the linoleum booth-top and called for order. Everybody quickly hushed up. That Guy asked: “ does anyone else have anything to add?” Almost simultaneously, both Mrs. Garrett and Tony Kronman declared that they also felt that good and evil on earth should still be dictated by the balance between cats and locally-produced TV commercials. That Guy thought about this proposition and made a motion to add this addendum. To his surprise, everyone who was gathered around the red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind” agreed to this addendum. Hence, That Guy banged down his gavel and spoke authoritatively: “ We are all gathered here today to proclaim that the earth’s peoples should rule themselves autonomously and independently, without any interference from the high court of aliens. The two fundamental principles that shall dictate earthly activities will be Auru’s SSDD theorem and the balance between the number of cats versus the number of locally-produced TV commercials. This meeting is adjourned. And with that, everyone at the booth began to laugh and giggle. The Laughable Agreement was formalized.

Mrs. Garrett

That Guy

Bob Ross

Tony Kronman

Fry Daddy

Mr. Stanton Dave McGutierrez Saucer Doat-Hey

Auru Individuals present at the signing of The Laughable Agreement. The meeting took place in that red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “Gone with the Wind.” That Guy served as a mediator.

Civilization today Under The Laughable Agreement, the earth today continues to flourish as well as to flounder. Good things happen and bad things happen based on the number of cats versus locally-produced TV commercials. New unique individuals are born each day but for the most part, not much really changes in people from generation to generation, though trivial technological improvements occur from time to time. For this is how it is to be. The Laughable Agreement guarantees it. The high court continues to look over the earth but they have severed their ties with the earthlings. Auru continues to come to earth in the form of Funyuns, an AFC punter, Katie Couric, but he is careful to not mess with the earth’s activities. He just observes the same shit day after day.

The Universe

Cats VS. locallyproduced TV commercials Auruʼs theorem: Same shit, different day

Nothing The universe contains stars, planets, asteroids, comets, the earth, and all that jazz. Good and evil is dictated by the number of cats versus locally-produced TV commercials. People remain the same, yet also change, due to Auruʼs SSDD theorem

APPENDIX 1: AURUʼS SSDD THEOREM A general outline of Auruʼs locker room insight

•Each human is the product of a unique set of genetic-based behaviors due to recombination, mutation, and gene-by-environment (GxE) interaction. However, each individualʼs genome is nevertheless the average its maternal and paternal genomic lineages.

•Genes control traits and most traits, such as “work ethic” or “height” are normally distributed, as shown by the Central Limit Theorem.

•Focusing on “work ethic” as a personality trait, we can measure this trait in all the males and females on earth. We can assign a numerical score to the trait “work ethic” where a lower score means “lazier” and a higher score means “more motivated.” If we randomly draw a male and a female from our population and mate them, they will produce an offspring that contains a genome that is the average of the male and female parents, however, this genome will also be unique due to recombination, mutation, GxE, etc.

•If we continue to draw sets of parents, mate them, all sets of parents will produce offspring that contain unique genomes but that are also the average of their maternal and paternal genome lineages.

•Offspring traits created from a normally-distributed parental set of traits will also be normally distributed. Thus for any trait, random mating guarantees that the trait will remain normally distributed each generation. Each generation, all personality traits for all humans have the same average and variance. Thus nothing changes from generation to generation: there are lazy people, smart people, average people and so on…Every person is unique with a unique combination of traits but each trait is part of a distribution and the shape and moments of this distribution remain unchanged each generation: same shit, different day. Or: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Work ethic A population of parents scored for the trait “work ethic.” Pairs of parents mate to produce offspring. For each offspring, the act of mating and reproduction averages the genomes of the paternal and maternal lineages.

Lazy

Motivated Repeat with different sets of Parent generation 5.3

4.9

5.1 Work ethic

parents: the offspring will all be unique, but the distribution of trait values of the offspring generation will be unchanged from the parental distribution. The offspring then become the next generation of parents. They produce unique children but their children have traits that do not differ from the previous generation. Same shit, different day (SSDD). These graphs were produced using 10000 normally distributed data points with mean of 5 and standard deviation of 1. Simulations were conducted in which pairs of points were selected without replacement, their trait values were averaged (i.e., “mating and reproduction”), and the resulting “offspring” values were used to create the new distribution (which, as you see, is also normally distributed). Note that offspring do not have to be the precise average of their parentʼs trait values--they can deviate slightly--but the sum of all deviations (+/-) will, on average, balance out.

Lazy Motivated Offspring generation

APPENDIX 2: THE FUNDAMENTALS •Nothing existed first. Mrs. Garrett from “Facts of Life” existed second. •She spawned three sibclones: Bob Ross, painter from that PBS show; Tony Kronman, former Dean of Yale Law School; and, Fry Daddy, the home deep-frier from Presto. Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, Tony Kronman, and Fry Daddy comprise the high court of aliens. •The high court created Canadians, the first people on earth. •The roots of evil exist because Mr. Stanton shot a talking bull-moose after this moose directed Mr. Stanton to Texas, an evil-shaped region in North America. Mr. Stanton, Mr. Jones, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Jackson were the first Texas settlers. •Indexicans were created by the high court as a means to constantly taunt the white Texans. All individuals on earth can eventually be traced back to either Canadians, Texans, or Indexicans. •The balance between good and evil rests on the number of cats on earth versus the number of locally-produced television commercials. If there are more cats than commercials, good will prevail; if there are more commercials than cats, evil will prevail. •The Great Sag resulted in the colonizing of new parts of the world. •Saucer Doat-Hey has a hyphenated last name because he was born to an academic couple. He and Fry Daddy conned Dave McGutierrez to colonize parts of southeast Asia and Australia under the Ridiculous Promotion. •Auru is the offspring of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross. Auru has many avatars. The insight for his SSDD theorem came from graffiti on a locker room door in the Baltimore Ravens locker room. •The Laughable Agreement, governs all earth activities, and consists of the SSDD theorem and the balance of good and evil.

APPENDIX 3: NUMEROLOGY

Four (4): This is the number of aliens in the high court. It is also the number of original bad Canadians.

Fourteen thousand (14,000): This is about the number of wives that left their Texas husbands during The Great Sag.

Twenty-oh-one (201): This is the room number for the hotel room in Dallas where the four Texan leaders plotted to obtain more power from the high court.

One thousand, one hundred, sixty-three (1163): This is the combined weight of Mr. Stanton, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Jones.

Thirty-seven (037): This is the number of the locker in the Baltimore Ravenʼs locker room. The door of this locker was defaced with graffiti. This graffiti led to The Revelation of Auru and his proof of the SSDD theorem.

Nine (9): This is the number of individuals present at the signing of The Laughable Agreement.

Two (2): This is the number of knees that you have.

APPENDIX 4: F.A.Q. Wasnʼt the shape of Texas a product of historical contingencies, natural boundaries such as rivers, as well as agreements between the U.S.A. and Mexico? No. The shape of Texas is intrinsically evil. The shape was predestined to be what it is today prior to any concept of land ownership, surveyors and/or geology. The shape has something to do with moose genetics and the ambient temperature in Saskatchewan. If you walk along the Texas state border, you will find small “clues” that define its evil perimeter. Look for oddly-shaped cacti, tumbleweeds, and spit-out Skoal Bandits, each defines a bit of the evil border. Iʼm Latvian, where do I fit into the picture? You are likely descended from either Canadians, Texans, Indexicans, or some combination thereof. DNA tests can reveal this but keep in mind that you have over 1200 great great…grandparents if you go back only 15 generations. You are probably a mutt. How did Mrs. Garrett spring from Nothing? Basically youʼre asking how did something come from Nothing?… no one knows. This question will probably best be solved by science but the epistemological limitations of science mean that we cannot also rule out supernatural forces. Shouldnʼt “twenty-oh-one” be 2001 and not 201? Probably. What was the effect of The Great Sag? This was a major diaspora of white Texan women. These women wandered into other parts of the world and mated with previous colonizers in that region. The Great Sag was a major migration that ultimately led to the diversity of human beings we see today. Rabbits also have big ears, do they use their ears as antennas? No, you sound like a conspiracy-theorist.

APPENDIX 4: F.A.Q. What time frame are we looking at here? The best estimate is that the origin of the universe, which was created by the high court of aliens, is about 12 billion years old. Earth is about 6 billion years old. The origin of Canadians occurred about 200,000 years ago. The date for the origin of Nothing as well as Mrs. Garrett is unknown. If what youʼre telling me is true, then how do we explain Christianity, Islam, or even the scientific account of evolution by natural selection. Christianity, Islam, Evolution and all other explanations for our existence--either scientific or religious--are false. The only true explanation what is given here. Can the high court of aliens interfere with human activities? Yes, the high court can do what it pleases. However, as dictated in the Laughable Agreement, they do not interfere with human activities, rather the balance between good and evil is dictated by locally-produced TV commercials versus the number of housecats. Auru overlooks these affairs. All other activities perceived as either bad (e.g., global warming) or good (e.g., peace initiatives) are dictated by Auruʼs theorem. Why do the four white Texan leaders all look the same and all of them look like Boss Hog? The resemblance to Boss Hog is purely coincidental, as is their resemblance to each other. Their wives who secretly despise them all look different, however. Mrs. Garrett came from Nothing, I get that, but where did That Guy come from? This is a great mystery, there have been many hypotheses accounting for the origin of That Guy but none are definitive. That Guy just showed up at the party.