Ordev C Relationships Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution:

When Crucial Conversations Matter By Stephanie Demiris, MA Member Relations & Services Specialist, AACN

Objectives: • Gain a mutual understanding of the definition of conflict resolution. • Gain a mutual understanding of what crucial conversations are and when we need to have them? • Identify our individual styles under stress. • Gain a mutual understanding of the key components of conflict resolution. • Explore the art of contrasting. • Role playing group activity

• Bring it all together.

Conflict Resolution Defined: What is conflict resolution? Conflict resolution is a process of working through opposing views in order to reach a common goal or mutual purpose.

Historical context of conflict resolution: • Evolved in 1950s and 1960s at the height of the Cold War when the development of nuclear weapons and conflict between superpowers was threatening human survival. • Small group of scholars from different disciplines came together to study conflict as a general phenomenon (e.g., international relations, domestic politics, industrial relations, communities, families and between individuals). • Conflict resolution as we know it in the business world came about in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

Crucial Conversations: A discussion between two or more people where: • The stakes are high • Opinions vary • Emotions run strong

We typically handle these conversations by: • Avoiding them • Facing them and handling them poorly • Facing them and handling them well

Two Responses to Crucial Conversations:

Fight  or  Flight or Silence  to  Violence

If we go to silence: • We avoid – we steer clear of sensitive subjects; quickly change the subject • Don’t say anything – we withdraw or leave • Blame the group, hoping the message will hit the right target • Looks of disgust • Sarcasm – we mask our true feelings; we sugarcoat

We go to silence when we feel unsafe

If we go to violence: • We verbally attack – we are threatening or belittling • Act like we know everything • We discredit others • Use the power of the boss to force our way • Control – we force our views by cutting others off, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects and in turn not giving others a chance to share their view • Subtly manipulate • We label or stereotype

We go to violence when we feel unsafe

Why should we have crucial conversations? • It will improve our health • It will improve our relationships • It will enhance our job performance and success • It will make a difference

How do we have crucial conversations?

DIALOGUE

What’s your style under stress? • Let’s find out by spending some time answering the questions. • When you complete the questions, refer to the scoring sheet to find out what your score means. -We are always in control to change our behavior-

Key Components of Conflict Resolution: There are 4 key components to conflict resolution: • Controlling emotional responses • Seeking understanding • Identifying needs and common interests • Seeking mutual benefit or purpose

Control Emotional Responses: •

Start with yourself first – the only person you can control

•

Reflect – what story are you telling yourself about the situation? Is it either/or thinking (look for the “and”)? • recognize how you are positioned (your personal bias’; your beliefs, attitudes, values, etc.).

•

Clarify what you don’t want • Ask yourself what your motives are. Do others trust your motives? • Ask yourself what you really want out of this. Do others believe I care about their goals in the conversation?

-Step Out. Make It Safe. Step Back In.-

Seek Understanding: •

Master your story • Notice your behavior – are you moving to silence or violence? • Get in touch with your feelings • Refocus on facts – hold your view as a hypothesis (we are aware of our own intentions, but we are rarely aware of other person’s intentions)

•

Ask for their story • Make it safe – help make others feel safe to share their story • Carefully listen – acknowledge feelings • Be willing to change your story as they add to the pool of shared meaning

•

Keep in mind . . . . • Storytelling is automatic and happens quickly • A set of facts can be used to tell a number of stories • Once a story is told, it controls us

Understand Impact and Intentions: We interpret the impact on us We judge and interpret other’s intent

Event

We Interpret what we see/hear Our past stories, experiences and life history

We react to the feelings from these thoughts

Our values and identities

Identify Needs and Common Interests: • Listen and hear clearly what others need • Look for mutuality • Use contrasting statements to state clearly what your needs are

Why Contrasting Statements? • Contrasting statements are Do/Don’t statements that:

• Address others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you had a malicious purpose (e.g., I don’t want . . . .) • Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (e.g., I do want . . . .)

• Contrasting is important because:

• It deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk • It provides context and proportion • Can be used as prevention or first aid

• Group Contrasting Role Playing Exercise

• Break up into 3 groups and spend some time going over the contrasting activity

Seeking Mutual Benefit or Purpose: •

Commit to seek mutual purpose by truly caring about the interests of others

•

Work towards mutual respect – do others believe I respect them?

•

Brainstorm new strategies together – invite opposing viewpoints and play devil’s advocate

•

Agree where you can

•

If others leave something out, then agree where you can and build from there

•

If you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong, rather, compare your views.

Points to Consider: Ask yourself the following questions: • How did we each contribute to the current situation? • How can we change it? What can we do about it as we move forward?

Don’t let the conflict control you. The conflict is not who we are.

Conclusion:

Six things to keep in mind when in a crucial conversation • Start with yourself – reflect • Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for their story (and be open to hearing it!) • Encourage dialogue by enacting mutual purpose • Talk, Talk, Talk

References Cited: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. 2002. It’s All About You: A Blueprint for Influencing Practice. Aliso Viejo, Calif: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses Publication. Patterson, K., et.al. 2002. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. New York: McGraw-Hill. http://www.crucialconversations.com