On A Day In Octobe1

ON A DAY IN OCTOBER For the last time he looked out of the window. The noise of the trains seemed distant by the closing of the window pane. Yet, they seemed so near when he looked through the silk curtains. He looked down at the street again, but his look flew through the space of time from the noise of trains and buses below at the railway station. His body was still in the room but his thoughts have already traveled far with her last goodbye as she hurriedly left the Hall to catch her plane for home. Suddenly, he felt a sadness creeping upon him like the shadow that creeps in the evening after a beautiful day when everything, every object has a different perspective than it had in the sunlight during the day. He knew that this might be the last time that he would see her again. See her golden hair surrounding the face that blushes into scarlet with every complementary remark to her. Her dark olive green eyes, always searching, for love, understanding and yet, full of unknown emotions. He smiled to himself as he remembered that, there could be another time, after all. Another time that would be the end of their relationship. Each of them knew they had to take different routes. Walk separate ways. Each had another life to live. They had responsibilities and obligations for other people waiting for their return. To live the normal routine of life and leave behind the one they shared in a foreign country. The relation that they developed over the years was not the relation ordinary people consider. Theirs was more sublime, elite in a strange way. It was more mystical and above normal expectations that common people evaluate such relation. Theirs was known only to them but unknown to others who were aliens in this kind of relation. For

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the average person, it would have seemed strange and abnormal but to them it was real and pure. He moved from the window pane and looked around him. He still had to pack his few things. He was in no particular hurry since tomorrow he had more time on his lap than he wished for. His plane was due around noon. Therefore he would pack the next morning. For the time being he was lost. He wanted to do something but he did not see anything to do although he knew that that was a convenient excuse not to do anything. He might go to the next restaurant and have a plate of pasta and a Leffe brune. Or he might walk again Avenue Royal through Avenue de La Liberte walk over the magnificent Pont Adolphe and stop at Place d’Armes. There, sitting just outside the Pizza Hut he would envy the couples passing by lost in their individualistic world. Then he might walk back again to his hotel. But then, he thought, that after all he was not in the mood of walking long distances. So he decided to remain in his room for a while. He walked to his lap-top and almost switched it off when a thought occurred to him. Yes, what keeps him from writing his experience of the woman who had just left him some hours ago with a smile and with a nod by her head. He sat down, thought a while, stretched his arms backwards and set his fingers on his lap-top keys. He closed his eyes as if by doing so, inspiration would flow freely to his mind. After some few seconds more he set down hitting the keys of his lap-top. … *** Jack O’Flaherty met Anya Pavlova for the first time in a Balkan country in one of his Conferences he took part in. He was a participant in that Conference and all seemed like normal participation. He said his part, listened to other participants’ power-point 2

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presentations and dined with all the others as guest of Anya Pavlova’s Organisation. She was young and beautiful, but Jack, while acknowledging this fact, he did not give much attention to her looks. He was alone from his country and practically still new in these Conferences. Also, he was actually her guest. Jack O’Flaherty and Anya Pavlova met several times in Europe’s capital Cities. Both of them were Representatives of a chain of International Advertising Corporation. Their relation was by now getting more close to each other than friendship is expected of. Jack found to his amazement that her company gave him not only satisfaction but something else that he could not understand. They started to sit near each other at lunches and dinners. They even went for walks in large boulevards and sat on wooden benches in Parks and their talks concentrated mainly on domestic and personal affairs than on matters related to the Conference that they were attending to. As time dragged on, they knew each other’s family, their children names and gender, their ups and downs even though they never met their respective relatives. Jack discovered his deep infatuation towards Anya when he was in Zagreb. The meeting had been boring and the only good thing was that Anya stayed all the time near him. On the second day, they decided to visit the centre of the city in the evening after the meeting came to an end. Jack had already gone there the day before. He knew most of the streets and side-streets and orientation of a new city was never a problem to him. It was cold on that December evening. The streets were all illuminated for the Christmas Season and the screeching noise of the multi-coloured trams complemented the atmosphere of the main square in the old part of the City. Ban Josip Jelacic Square was very busy at that time with a lot of activities going by. Anya was feeling cold. Her small 3

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hands were turning blue. Jack offered her his black woolen gloves which Anya instantly accepted with a warm thank you so much. They walked through the narrow streets adjacent to the square until they arrived to a large space of land where in front of them stood the Cathedral of Zagreb. They entered the gothic Cathedral and after a few minutes they were outside again in the cold. Jack missed his family and longed his being back home for the Christmas period. Whenever he enters a Cathedral or a church in a foreign country, the solemn silence within the walls, always make him reflect on the ones he left behind, back home. But being with Anya, feeling her presence near him, hearing her broken English gave him a feeling of warmth and a glow that filled his heart without knowing why that sensation is happening to him. The lights and the music from the Square were coming up the road of Bakaceva Street and Jack and Anya walked in that direction. “Nice music!” said Jack keeping close to her. “Very nice!” replied Anya. “I like Christmas very much! It makes feel like a child again and the carols are so beautiful!” “I can appreciate them more than you because before the Communist Regime collapsed we could not sing those carols in public but only in home … privately!” said Anya very quietly. “Now it is different! You can sing as much as you like! But still … at this time of year I wish I had no foreign assignments. At Christmas time I prefer to stay home!” “Yes I agree!” 4

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Jack looked at Anya and saw her looking down the road towards a souvenir shop and remembered he still had to buy another gift. He wondered whether there is space enough in his luggage. He turned to her and asked: “Would you like to come with me into that souvenir shop?” Anya nodded her head in approval and both of them entered the shop hearing in their ears the jingle of bells as they opened the door. The shop was almost empty of people and although it was not very small, yet, it gave a smaller dimension because of the many objects that were laid everywhere on the ground. They had to move by twisting themselves around large vases of porcelain artifacts. Jack bought what he needed and then stopped in front of a row of glass shelve filled with small dolls dressed in traditional costumes. He picked one and turned to Anya. “Do you like souvenirs?” he asked her. “Very much!” she replied. “What kind?” “All kinds as long they are all souvenirs!” “Do you like these plates with the picture of Zagreb painted on them?” “Yes, they are very beautiful!” Jack looked at her and after a while, asked her. “Anya, I want a favour from you! I want to buy a plate of these for a woman. If you were to choose, which one would you choose?” Anya looked at all the plates and was confused which one to choose. After several minutes, picking and turning many plates in her hands, she decided on one and said to Jack. 5

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“I would choose this! But of course it depends on the taste of the woman you want to buy this plate to!” Jack took the plate in his hand and moved to the counter. He waited for some moments and after he paid with his electronic card, he and Anya went out of the shop A cool breeze greeted them and Anya moved closer to Jack. There were few people around and a rich aroma of hot liquor came out from one of the old taverns on the side of the road. Jack dared to put one arm around Anya’s waist as if to protect her from the cold. He then moved forward the souvenir plate towards Anya and with a broad smile, told her. “Would you please hold this plate?” Anya took the plate in her hand and then she heard him continuing. “After all … it is yours!” Anya looked surprised and her dark olive green eyes got bigger behind her glasses as she looked at him. “What? … Oh, no! I am surprised! You tricked me! So you had nothing in mind to buy anything else!” “No trick at all! It’s only a small gift from me to you! You could not say that you didn’t like it because you chose it!” Jack told her in a very tender voice. Anya turned altogether towards him and with a glowing look in her eyes she hugged him tenderly and embraced him lovingly. She kissed his cheeks and her voice was broken as she said. “Oh, thank you … thank you very much! I did not expect this! I will hang it on the kitchen wall and whenever I look at it, I will remember you!” 6

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Jack laughed and gently tightened his grip on her waist. He was thrilled by her small waist and moved by her quick kiss on his cheek. Her child look expression of surprise amused him very much. They continued walking down the street until they arrived at the centre of the Square where a large platform decorated with flowers and lightings stood at one side of the Square. They chose a corner near an iron structure and stopped there. There was nice music on the stage and the singing from a chorus of youngsters filled their ears with beautiful sound. Now, the chill of the evening was felt more than when they were walking. Anya showed clearly that she was feeling very cold and Jack held her tight to him by moving her gently towards his chest and covering her with his winter jacket. He covered her front with his hands as if protecting her from some alien intruder. He moved his head closer to her ear and in a slow and low voice he whispered: “This is so nice! Such beautiful music! One feels so serene!” Anya smiled and from dreamy eyes, answered: “True! I’m so happy today! Thank you again for your thought when you gave me that souvenir!” “It’s nothing! I wish I could give you more! You make me feel so comfortable! It’s so nice being near you!” “True! I too feel so happy when I am with you! I don’t know why but you are so different from the others!” “Different?” “Yes! … You are gentle and I feel safe with you!”

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“I want so much to be with you! Anya … I don’t know why or how to express myself but I have feelings for you more than I feel for others! Feelings free from absurd imagination! … You are so special to me!” Anya said nothing but crept herself more towards his body and with her hands still wearing his black woolen gloves she patted gently his cold hands. They said nothing more and listened to the music. When they decided that it was time to move on, they walked away from the iron structure and started their way back to the hotel. This time, Jack did not hold Anya from her waist. He thought he should be discreet. At least he felt happy and no remorse pinched his conscience. He knew he did nothing wrong to rouse his conscience for criticism. What he felt for Anya was pure and had nothing to do with any subversive thoughts. From that day onwards, Jack O’Flaherty and Anya Pavlova met several times in other different European cities. They always stayed as near each other as possible and exchanged presents. A kind of bondage between them started to take shape and consolidate in their individuality. From her electronic mail, Jack recognized the desire in Anya to be close to him and he reciprocated that instinct. On one occasion, when they were attending a Conference in Brussels, when Jack was all alone in his hotel room and almost slept, his mobile phone tuned into a message mode. It was Anya asking him whether she could come to his room to give him something she brought with her for him. Jack jumped out of bed and phoned her room number. He told her that he was still awake and was waiting for her. Until the gentle knock was heard on his door, he re-arranged some documents and put in order his papers. 8

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Anya sat on his bed and for some time they talked about themselves and their families. There was so much to talk about. But Jack wanted only to look at Anya and sometimes he smiled when she put the wrong word or phrase in English but he did not correct her. After some more minutes, Anya’s feet were cold and Jack stroked them to bring back some warm blood into their veins. Anya was pleased and in a very short while Jack was holding her tightly to him. The light of the room was not very bright and outside it was raining. The weather has been unstable the whole day and Jack retired early to his room. But having Anya near him filled him with new vigour. He stroked her hair and passed his fingers over her lips. He knew that he desired her very much but was unsure of her to what extend her affection towards him would go. Jack now rubbed her feet with one hand and with the other he stroked her thighs. Anya said nothing but blushed very deeply. Her eyes glowed and shone when they looked at him. He saw in them an inquisitive look and yet so soft that Jack felt his heart swell. He pulled her to him very slowly, now with both hands holding her burning face but when their lips almost touched together, Anya dropped gently her head downwards and in a gentle voice, said: “No, Jack! Please! I want our relations to be built only on friendship. Nothing more! I do not want things to go further than that. I do not wish to complicate matters!” Jack closed his eyes and laid her head on her shoulders. He did not press his lips on hers. He looked sideways and in a hoarse voice said: “I understand! … I respect your wish! No … we should not start a relation even if I never had that in mind!” 9

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“Thank you, Jack! You are so much understanding. It is in this reason that I like you most!” Jack took her face in his palms of his hands and looked directly into her shining eyes. “Anya!” he began to say. “You know by now that I, not only respect you very much but more than that. My feelings for you go beyond the feeling of respect!” “I know!” “They are higher. It does not mean that I respect my wife less. Far from that! I love my wife very much as you love your husband. But for you I have another different way of love. Not based on sex although that would make part of the whole spectrum. That comes as a result of something more beautiful. I could not explain myself but I know that you understand what I am trying to say!” Anya smiled warmly and embraced him in her arms. Jack could feel her breadth down his bare neck as she gently replied: “I know! I know! I too have that feeling for you. But let us leave our relation to that of great friends only. It is better that way!” Jack conceded gently to her request and controlled the desire that was growing within him. Perhaps this is how it should be after all, he thought. They talked for some more minutes and around one in the morning, Anya left Jack’s hotel room to go to her own. *** Now it was Luxembourg City. Jack could not remember the many times he has visited that city that excel itself in financial sector. The core business of his organization centered 10

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in this glassed city that from one point of view it reflected the traditional environment and from another perspective, it showed the high glassed building that boomed in banking business over the last decades of the previous century. Jack had a day that there were no meetings in it. He was glad that for once he was free like a tourist in a different country. He bought the Luxembourg Card from the hotel reception desk and hurried to the railway station, just a few metres in front of his hotel. Platform three was almost bare from passengers. He waited for some minutes until he saw a train further down the platform. He walked to that direction and he realized that it was his train to Ettelbruck. He almost missed it! He cursed himself. From Luxembourg City to Ettelbruck took less than three quarters of an hour. The destinations shown on top of each compartment together with the voice indicating each station was easy to know when and where to stop. He stepped down from the train and went to the bus station. He asked a man who looked like he could speak English where to find George Patton Museum. But to his disappointment, the Museum was closed and he had to walk back to the station. Bus number 570 was due to leave to Vianden City. Jack admired the beautiful country side. The tall trees, the endless green meadows and the brook that turned, twisted and hid into the bushes to appear again from another direction to start once more the hide and seek game. He saw the cows of different colours from dark black, brown, grey and even white. All were enjoying the warm sun, grazing or just lazing themselves on the grass. Jack admired all this and he wished that his wife was with him to feel the serenity of nature at its best. But then, he thought of Anya and how glad she would have been if she too, was with him on their way to Vianden. He felt confused and could not understand why he had 11

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to think of both of them. He loved the two of them although in separate ways. He felt no remorse that he loves another woman beside his wife. He knew that the love he has for Anya was not the same as that of his wife. One was his wife and companion. The woman he always wanted to be with. The other, the best friend he ever had where in her company he felt so serene. His infatuation towards Anya was pure and he really liked her character and enjoyed her company. If he felt guilt in him then that would be that his love was not pure to any of them. The City of Vianden was divided in two parts by the narrow canal. On one side, there was the road to go back to Ettelbruck and the other leading to a hilltop where the Castle stood predominantly guarding Vianden below. A bridge joined the two parts and Jack, for some moments stood in the middle visualizing the amazing scenery of this medieval city. The house of Victor Hugo was just near the bridge on the side leading out of the city. Jack had in mind to visit this house because after all it was for this reason that he chose to come to Vianden. Then afterwards, he walked slowly up to the Castle and when he reached the top, he stopped to regain the breadth he lost coming up. But it was worth the whole effort, he thought to himself. Early in the afternoon, he went back to Ettelbruck and took the train to Clervoux. When he had reached his destination, he noticed that in a very short time it would be soon dusk. From how the things looked, Jack realized this city was not a busy tourist town although it looked nice too. He walked till he came to the centre of the town. He sat down on a wooden bench in a Square facing the Cathedral at the top of the Square. He wished he could see the 12

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photographic exhibition of The Family of Man but by now it would be closed. He stood up and walked back to the railway station. There was nobody on the platform and he did not understand the French instructions displayed on the side of the station. It was getting dark. He started to worry. Nobody was in sight. Is he on the right platform after all? Or is it on the other side and he would miss the train when it arrives? He is so far away from Luxembourg City. Now he was getting really nervous. He asked an elderly woman for clarification but by her movements of her head and hands she showed him that she could not speak English. It was half past six! What shall he do? Wait! A young couple was approaching. They might know if they can speak English. He took a deep breadth and asked the girl. Yes, it was the correct platform from which to go to Luxembourg City and the train is due at seven. They too were going to that direction. Jack was relieved! Now he felt much better. He sat down and relaxed himself. When the train was heard coming from the distance, he stood up. The screeching noise of metal on other metal of the train as it stopped was the finest music to his ears that he ever heard at that time. He looked at the upper front panel of the train. Yes! It read Luxembourg Nord. He got in very quickly, chose an empty compartment and he let himself slump on the seat happily with himself that he finally made it. When the train reached and stopped at Luxembourg Gare, it was total darkness. The country side and the tall trees that Jack saw before were only dark silhouettes under the starless sky and the cows of various colours were long locked and sleeping in their sheds after a full day of grazing in the open meadows. ***

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The passengers were still pouring out from the arriving lounge and yet no sign of her yet. He looked again at the score board and it showed that the plane had landed. Perhaps she had problems at picking her baggage at the conveyor belt. Nevertheless and whatever the trouble might be he has to wait as he had promised her to do. The sliding doors slid sideways again and a new group of passengers started to come out. Jack stood up and went looking at the opening space of the arriving exit while resting his elbows on the iron railings. After some more minutes he saw her coming in a quick pace and with that adorable smile of hers. “Have you been waiting long?” she asked as she hugged him tenderly and kissed his cheeks. “No, not very long!” he replied taking hold of her baggage. They went out of the Departure Lounge and walked to the bus station further on the road. The way back to Anya’s hotel was the usual routine of making the normal questions of how do you do, are you tired, had you a comfortable journey, how did you spent your stay in Luxembourg these last two days and how sweet of you to wait for me. Anya invited Jack to her room until she settles down with her bags. Then, as Jack had promised they went out and started walking until they came to Avenue de la Liberte. They turned round a corner and because Jack knew exactly where and how to go down into the Valley of Petrusse they started descending the steep and slippery downward slope until they came on the level ground. The Valley of Petrusse always fascinated Jack from the very first time that he descended down there and walked wearily along the whole valley. Today, it was his intention to show and walk with Anya this beautiful man-made valley with wooden 14

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benches to rest and with the tall trees reaching the level of the streets above. The rocky ridges provided some hide-outs to anybody, especially young couples to be away from the inquisitive look of uninvited on-lookers. The sound of vehicles, small or large and the sirens from the police cars speeding along Avenue Marie Therese were distant to those walking along the valley. “What a nice walk!” said Anya in a low voice almost mystical as she devoured the beautiful scenery of the valley. “Yes! So serene!” agreed Jack. “You said it was built by man and not by nature.” asked Anya inquisitively. “It’s true! I have read about it since the first time I came down here! Of course, the ravine was always there, a gift from mother Earth. Man did the rest!” replied Jack moving her aside to let another older couple pass by. “Would you tell me about it … please?” implored Anya smiling and looking at him with a teasing look in her eyes. Jack smiled and started with a deep breadth to give her the origin of the Petrusse Valley. He remembered what he had read about it. He told Anya that the beautiful park with those magnolias which are so lovely in Spring-time when they bloom, lies in the valley of the Petrusse River between the upper town and the Bourbon Plateau. Just near the river is the remains of a sluice built in 1728 to flood the valley as a defensive way against any invading army. Besides the green scenery, there is what is called the Petrusse Casements. These are tunnels hewn out from the rocks. They go back to around 1644 at the time when Luxembourg was under the Spanish rule. Vauban, a French military engineer enlarged the Petrusse Casements on his capture of the city some 40 years later. 15

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These tunnels run for 15 miles below the city and in them, there are barracks, bakeries, slaughterhouses and also a well. These fortifications were dismantled but since early the years of the last century, in 1933, these tunnels were opened for the public view. Anya listened very carefully to all that Jack was saying. She looked around as if to register in her mind all that is being said with what she is seeing then. They walked and sometimes they hugged each other after a good photo was taken by either of them. They were feeling happy and so alone in that world of serene beauty, and yet, not alone altogether alter all, because they knew that they were one with nature. They reached the Adolphe Bridge and Anya was amazed by the architectural beauty of that bridge that joins the two parts of the City. When they were beneath it, Anya asked Jack when it was built. Jack looked the whole longitude of the bridge and said. “It was built at the beginning of the twentieth century around 1900 and 1903 at the time of Grand Duke Adolphe. It used to have the largest stone arch in the world and its span is more than 85 metres. I have read that this bridge crosses the Petrusse Valley at a height of around 42 metres and its total length is 153 metres. Pont Adolphe connects the financial city of Luxembourg with that of the Gare, which is of course, the railway station district. They talked about their families and Anya was thrilled whenever she mentioned her daughter. Jack also made reference to his family, his wife and his children. It was so beautiful and peaceful that they hardly realized that they had reached the end of the valley and had to climb some few steps to come to the road leading to the centre of the City. They were tired and they tried to find Parc Edwin Klein. Jack knew where that Park is but for some time he lost its bearing and took another road until he succeeded to 16

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come again in course. It was a little cold and they needed to rest. Therefore when they finally entered the park, they hurried to the first wooden bench they saw. Jack sat down with his arm around the top of the bench. Anya also sat down but pulled her feet on the remaining space of the bench while she rested her head on Jack’s shoulder and closed her eyes. She was happy and she showed it. Jack felt thrilled and took hold of her cold hands and started warming them. He nuzzled his cheek between her golden curls and his breadth was warm against her naked white skin of her neck. He heard Anya sighing as she said how peaceful and nice the surroundings were. “Yes, it is always nice to be in a Park like this … and with someone like you!” Anya smiled and got closer to him. “The walk in the valley was nice!” she murmured in a soft voice. “True and the Grund are more beautiful. As I already told you, I found a way of how to get down there after we have rested a little and ate something. I suppose you are hungry, are you?” “A little … oh, it is raining!” Jack looked up and saw the grey menacing sky above. He cursed himself. The rain would ruin everything he hoped for of taking Anya sight-seeing the Grund. He moved his look to the pond and yes, the tiny drops on the surface of the water indicated clearly that it was raining, although very gently. “Shall we go under that Gazebo, there?” Anya looked at the brown wooden structure and thought it would be a relief to take shelter from the rain there if its drizzle gets worse in its volume. The rain stopped 17

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after a short time. Jack and Anya moved from the Gazebo and walked the last part of Avenue Marie Therese and turned to Boulevard Royal. They stopped at Humilius Gare des Autobus and entered Avenue Monterey till they stopped at Place d’Armes. The Pizza Hut was half full and very warm inside. It was a relief going in there and they ate heartily. The few hundred metres of walking to the Casemates du Bock on a cold afternoon sometimes is good to the digestive system of the human body after a good lunch. Anya was feeling cold again and put her hands in her pockets of her beige coloured jacket. They walked silently until they arrived on the edge where the Casemates start to be visible. The Bock means a Rock where in the year 963 Count Siegfied built his castle on that same spot and called it Luzilinburug. From the Castle itself, there is nothing left. But at least it was the birth of Luxembourg where farmers, merchants and craftsmen began to settle around it in order to do business with and to take advantage and protection from its strategic position it held. Most of this fortress seized to exist after the Treaty of London of 1867 when its destruction was a condition for the retreat of the Prussian garrison that controlled the fortress since the beginning of the century. The Prussians destroyed the fortress more than was required by the Treaty, and left only few ruins behind them. Further down the Casemates, the Old Town or Grund, was visible in all its magnitude and splendour. The river Alzette crossed the town from one end to the other. From high up the Casemates, the whole town resembled a fairy tale town from the books of imaginative stories. The square of Plateau de Rham with the Church of Saint-Jean Baptiste (Neumunster) were magnificent surrounded by the tall trees, the water of the Alzette River twisting and turning, hiding beneath bushes and running below arches 18

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together with the turrets of what remained from past centuries were all enthralling when looking upon from the heights of the Casemates of the Bock. Jack and Anya started the descent to the Old Town. The road downwards of Montee du Grund was very steep and also slippery after a day of raining. When they were on a plain ground, they crossed the bridge and walked along Rue Munster until they came in front of the Church of Saint-Jean. This church is on the brink of the river. Originally, the Church of Saint-Jean was built in 1308 by Henry VII, Count of Luxembourg and also a German Emperor. The Church was consecrated into a parish in 1321. During the war of 1542 between Emperor Charles V and Francoise 1 of France, the Benedictine abbey of Altmunster was so badly damaged, that consequently it was demolished. The monks had first to withdraw and sought refuge in the higher part of Luxembourg City carrying with them the relics of John the Blind. Afterwards, they finally settled down in their new abbey in the lower parts of the town and thus it was called Neumunster. The church of Saint-Jean, however, was incorporated with that of the Abbey of Neumunster where at present they are now commonly known as the Munster-Kiirch. The destiny of this church was not very kind to it. The church was completely burnt down in 1684 during the siege of the fortress of Luxembourg by the French troops of King Louis XIV. It was reconstructed again in the years 1688 and 1715 from the plans of Hubert Laloir who was an engineer from Liege and a close collaborator of Vauban. Jack pushed the heavy door inwards and let Anya in first. The atmosphere inside was that to be expected from an abbey run by monks. Solemnity and serenity reigned throughout. It was this atmosphere that affected Anya most. Although she was orthodox 19

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by religion, yet, she admired very much the Christian churches for their sense of solitude and reflections. The dimly-lit interior together with the frescoes of the windows encompassing the dominance of the high altar completed the serenity of the Abbey. “So nice and silent!” exclaimed Anya in a low voice. “If I could, I would stay here forever!” “So true!” agreed Jack pulling his jacket from underneath his trousers as he sat down. “I like visiting churches! They give me a sense of tranquility that I could not explain how!” “Whenever I am abroad I always make it a point to visit a church even though out of curiosity sake!” exclaimed Jack. “I like to see the difference from our churches back home!” After twenty minutes, Jack and Anya walked out of the Abbey. They looked around to see from where they could continue their excursion of the Old Town. On one side of the Abbey there was a narrow passage that leads to another square of the Town where two important buildings, the Abbaye of Neumunster and Mur de Winceslav are dominant. Behind the Mur de Winceslav there is a passageway overlooking the river with the Casemates on one side and the wrecked turrets on the other. Below, the river ran with a rippling noise along the bridges and lawns further down. The crawls were flying in the sky with their distinctive cry. Black birds of bad omen as shown in horror movies hovering above tombs and cypress trees.

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Jack and Anya stopped by the railing of the passage-way and for a short time they said nothing to each other. They looked and admired the picturesque scenery in front of them. Jack put his hands around Anya’s shoulder and she got closer to him. Words were unnecessary at that moment. Their minds and hearts talked the same language and felt the same feelings. Then by an instinct that he could not control he pushed her gently to him and tried to kiss her lips warmly but she turned her cheeks instead. Anya smiled and looked straight into his eyes. Her olive green eyes shown and she pressed her hands on his. Jack understood the unspoken message and said nothing. They continued their expedition in the Grund with their arms around each other and with some drops of rain falling on their heads and a little cold that made them shiver some times. They walked until they came to the main road. There, they disengaged from one another and talked about something remote from their feelings. That evening, they decided to stay at Anya’s hotel room. Jack was happy with this arrangement. He longed so much to be alone in her company in a quiet room, talking with her and share with her his emotions. Her room was better than his and the window was overlooking the street still illuminated by the lights emerging from the bars, restaurants and shops. The bed was large and the furniture was all made of old mahogany. A small Television set was placed on a small shelf at one side of the room. Some papers were lying on the bed indicating that Anya was reading till he came knocking on her door. Jack took his shoes and his jacket off and sat at the side of the bed beside her. He was excited but managed to control his emotions quite well. Anya looked happy too as

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she laid herself beside him. He instantly turned his arm around her shoulder and gently moved her closer to him. “It was nice in the Grund!” he said although he knew he already said that before. “Yes! Very nice and it was because of you!” replied Anya very gently and smiling. “Thank you for such a wonderful afternoon! You are so nice and gentle to me!” “It was nothing!” replied Jack from a low voice. He knew he was getting excited. Anya sighed and looked at him. Her look was full of tenderness and her golden hair dropped on his hand. Jack took some locks in his palm and with his fingers started to twirl them around his fingers. “You have such nice hair and soft skin Anya!” Anya said nothing but stroked his hand. “Sometimes I wish I could kiss you all over your body … front and back … top to bottom!” Anya laughed and for a moment closed her eyes. When she opened them she saw the look in his eyes and understood what was behind those eyes. “Oh Jack!” she said as she smiled at him and got closer to him. Jack turned her on her back and when she was facing him upwards, he lowered himself to kiss her. Anya pulled her hand between her lips and his, and in a soft voice, she said: “I have already told you Jack that I do not wish to start a relation that could hurt us both later on!”

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“I know!” answered Jack. “But ours is not a simple relation but a friendship built on mutual respect. There is nothing wrong in loving each other. You know by now how much I respect you and I know that you do the same!” “Yes I respect you too! In fact I knew that I could trust you from the very moment that we met together in that Conference years ago. Remember?” “And we met later in another one and you thought I did not recognize you!” “True!” “But I did recognize you! Anya … you know by now that what I feel for you … is honest and clean … my feelings for you is not based on sex!” “I know, but still I am not sure yet!” “Sure from what?” “An intimate relation!” she replied. “I’ve already told you that we are both married and the fact that we like each other does not mean that we love them less! I love my wife and you love your husband! You have a daughter that you adore so much and I have children whom I also love. But what I feel for you is different. I do not expect that any one of us would leave either one of them!” “I too feel the same for you!” “Then why do you hold back? I’m telling you once again, I do not want to kiss you to start sex with you. I wish I could if you want it too, but as long as you do not wish it, I keep back. I’m being honest with you! I never impose anything on anybody, let alone sex! It would make me feel ashamed of myself if I ever try to do that. Sex is not that

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important in a true friendship! That would come natural as a result of feelings and not as a physical satisfaction of the body! It should be something beautiful” “… But I am not ready yet!” insisted Anya, looking directly into his eyes. “I want to control my mind because if I let my body take control … then I do not know. It is better that when my mind is ready than I let my body free.” “From what are you afraid?” asked Jack. Anya tried to explain but she could not find the correct words. Jack realized what she wanted to say and said: “What you mean is that when and if you let yourself to me, you do it with a clean conscious! You do not want to feel guilty!” “Yes, true! I want to be sure of myself!” “I understand!” reassured her Jack. “But having sex does not necessarily mean intercourse! You can enjoy yourself without getting that deep!” “I know! … But now, you’d better go! I feel tired and I have some notes to read for tomorrow!” said Anya changing the subject completely while lifting herself up from the bed. Jack said nothing and put on his shoes, wore his jacket and took his umbrella and stood up to go. “See you tomorrow, then!” he told her walking to the door. Anya put her hands around his shoulder and prepared herself for the kiss she knew would come from him before he leaves. Jack took her face in both his hands and leaned to kiss her cheeks. But Anya did not move her face and his lips dropped on hers. Jack felt her soft lips pressing his and 24

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slowly opening his mouth. For a split moment he was undecided. Slowly he felt her tongue going into his mouth searching for his. He felt a thrill going down his spine and he took hold of her tongue with his lips and kissed it tenderly. By now he knew that he had a movement in his trousers that he could not control. Anya did not mind that and stood where she was. Now with her tongue she took hold of his and started pulling. Jack was thinking fast and at the same time he was not sure of himself or better still, not sure of her. Anya pressed her body more to him and now, Jack, slowly but deliberately took hold of one of her breasts in a gentle hold. They stood there, kissing warmly and devoutly for some moments more. Jack was confused by now. She said earlier that she was not sure of herself. Is she sure now? What does she wants. If he makes more advances on her, he might ruin that blissful moment, but on the other hand, if he does nothing, she might think that he was someone without any feelings. And yet, she continued working on his tongue and his thing in his pants was working also very fast. He knew that if he does not control himself he would come in his trousers in a very short time. Her breast was soft as he caressed it from beneath her blouse. Her thighs were pressing his and then he could not resist her any longer. He felt wet and embarrassed that he came so quickly. What would have he done if he came before her if they were making love? For a small moment he almost felt ashamed of himself and wanted to go before she realized what happened to him. Also he must not loose the respect she holds for him for understanding her in how she feels about a close relation. In a breathless whisper, he pulled his mouth from hers and said:

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“It’s better if I go before I loose control of myself! I know what you said and I want to keep my word on that!” “Yes, it would be better!” “See you tomorrow, then!” “See you tomorrow!” He went down the stairs still feeling confused. What was happening? He wanted to keep his word with her that he would not force himself on her. Yet, it was so nice kissing her. Feel her body against his. Feel her soft hair against his face. See her blushful face with her shining eyes looking at him. And within himself he felt no guilt conscience. And still, he has to abide by his promise and keep their relation solely built on friendship only. But their friendship was more than ordinary friendship. It was not an arrangement built on convenience but based on trust and mutual respect.

*** The dawn augured that it was going to be a wonderful day with the sun already shining through the hazy mist of early sunrise. The leaves of the big trees in the boulevards and avenues were still glistening dropping their morning dews and were shining bright at the first glimpse of daylight. The walking pavements were slippery from the wet leaves and overnight dew. A cold breeze hovered above in the air and the people were still wearing heavy clothes. The weather in Luxembourg City in October is as unpredictable as in other countries in the higher region of Europe. Cars started speeding but coming to a sudden stop only when the pedestrian lights were switched on automatically to a red sign. The metallic crunching of the trains on the 26

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rails started to get louder and louder as more trains started their daily routine. Public buses increased in their numbers as they gathered themselves in their respective platforms. People with heads buried in their high coat collars were on bus-stops waiting for their respective one to arrive. Others hurried through and out of the railway station like a busy bee, sometimes bumping into each other like a colony of restless ants. Shops started to pull down their shutters and sweep their doorsteps from the garbage left over from the previous evening. All in all, life has slowly begun its normal routine around Centre Gare. Jack looked again around the room. His laptop was disconnected from yesterday’s writing and put in its case. Everything was packed and nothing was left behind, hidden in a cupboard or in a drawer. In a few more minutes he would be on platform 3 waiting for the Bus number 16 that would take him directly to the airport. He, somewhat felt sad for two reasons. This was going to be his last visit to Luxembourg. He was time-barred by his Agency’s regulations that he had to submit his resignation on reaching his termination of contract. This would not have affected him much. But the other reason did fill him with concern and regrets. He is not going to see Anya again, neither now nor in the future. He was determined that it must be so. For the benefit good of both of them, the decision had to be taken. Bus number 16 finally arrived and all those at the platform moved to get in first and find a suitable seat or space to put their traveling bags. Jack used his elbow to pressure his way in. He had to pay first and so he had to wait for some moments. With the ticket held between his lips, he pushed through the passengers until he found a vertical railing where he could lean on and look comfortable on his right hand side. 27

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Jack was recollecting each bus stop that the bus stopped to pick up passengers. When it reached Boulevard R. Schuman and was passing over Pont Charlotte, he looked down at the Grund. He felt overwhelmed when he remembered the happy time he spent with Anya. That experience of walking down there among those narrow streets, hearing the brook swirling among the bushes, the rustling of the leaves from the cold breeze, the crawls flying in the skies crying their melanchonic cry as if it is a lost and wandering soul seeking refuge from the cold, the casemates jutting out from the edge of the walls overhead, the walk across the narrow wooden bridges, the solemnity of the Abbaye of Neumunster and holding Anya in his hands were becoming to Jack a mystical era that was fast fading away from his vision already into his past as the bus reached Avenue John F. Kennedy to stop at Kirchberg. After thirty minutes, the bus turned and stopped some hundred metres away from the Airport Departure lounge. After the normal procedure of making his checking-in and passing through Passport-control and the ordeal of almost stripping himself down to be checked by the Securities at the x-ray machines, Jack went to sit on one of the benches at the Gates. He had more than one hour of waiting to board the plane. He closed his eyes and his thoughts drifted back to Anya. By now she must have read her e-mails. In one of them there was one addressed to her by him. He decided to send her an e-mail instead of facing her directly. He believed that in front of her, he would not be strong enough to tell her what he intended to say but would succumb before her beautiful eyes and the story will continue. Slowly, he recollected how and why he came to that decision.

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… It all began that very month of October after they had a wonderful evening in Trier where they walked through the streets holding arms together. It was cold in that medieval German city and the mulled wine was strong and very appetizing. They walked, they talked and they hugged each other tenderly. They were happy and while waiting for the train to Luxembourg City late in the evening, they huddled themselves warmly while waiting on the platform. Anya was so happy and wonderful that Jack felt himself overjoyed. The train, for some reason or other did not switch on its cabin lights. So Jack and Anya were left in the dark. After all, there were only the two of them in that cabin and few passengers were traveling to Luxembourg City at that particular time. Anya put her head on Jack’s shoulder and he held her tightly to his breast. When they arrived at Centre Gare it was almost ten in the evening. They walked hurriedly to Anya’s hotel and Jack left when he saw that she did not need anything. The next day, after the Conference when Jack thought that they would spend the evening together, Anya told him that she had to go out that evening to meet her manager for some business discussions over dinner. She could not skip that meeting. Jack was very disappointed and he showed it there and then. He asked her why it must always be her manager to take her out after a Conference meeting and ruin their plans. They had agreed that they would go to the City Centre and have a nice evening together. Anya tried to convince him that she was not in a position to refuse her manager’s offer but Jack was still somewhat angry and left her at the doorstep of her hotel. The next day, Jack realized that he might have been too quick to react. He felt like a child that was not given what he was promised and in that reason reacted at the spur of 29

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the moment. Anya could not refuse to go out with her manager. After all, he had no right to interfere in her personal life. He had no control over her. He was not her husband and so, she could decide to do whatever she thinks it was best for her. Yes, he over-reacted and he must bring their relation to normal as it was before. He switched on quickly his laptop and sent her an e-mail in some words that could easily be interpreted as a subtle apology. He was eager to receive her answer. He knew that she would understand. She would explain to him that there was nothing to be disappointed about. That she always respected him more than her manager. So, he eagerly waited for her gentle reply. When the answer came, Jack was completely surprised. The answer was not that he was waiting for. It was written in an angry and confrontational mood. Anya just informed him that she did not expect him to act like he did the evening before. She said she was right when she decided not to start a relation with him because it would end up in the jealous behavior he was in. She also made it clear that between them there was no commitment and he had no right to behave in that manner. She always wanted their relation to be that of close friendship and nothing more. She knew her manager long before she met him and there was nothing wrong with that or anything going on between the two of them. Therefore, he was not in a position to judge her. After all that was the reason why she did not want to have sex with him so that there would be no bondage. No commitment! No strings attached! No jealousy! Above all, she hated people of being jealous of her. Jack read the e-mail several times and each time he was stunned more when he realized the message that she had written to him. He was hurt by her words. He never 30

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knew Anya could be so angry and not realize that he perhaps acted very hastily. He never wanted her to feel tied up with him in any way let alone being jealous of her. He was only disappointed and angry for the fact that what he thought would have been a nice evening had to be cancelled by the meeting with her manager. He thought that he made it quite clear to her that sex was not his main objective and yet, through her dots in her e-mail, that was precisely the message that she wanted to convey to him. For him it was useless that she ended her e-mail message by informing him that everything was going to be well again even though they had that minor conflict. Jack had the impulse to answer her back but he closed the laptop and went outside to have some fresh air, just to cool off. So their good relationship has been broken by just one evening of misinterpretation from his side. Jack knew that now, notwithstanding her assurance that everything will be well again, she still would think of him as a jealous man. In her heart, he will longer be the gentleman she always believed he is. In her mind, he is just like all the other men. Dominant and possessive! And all these were the things he did his best not to let her think of him in that way. He wanted her to be free and say what she feels. To act in any manner she thought fit to her at any particular moment. But now, she admitted that she did not want sex with him because that would bind her into bondage. So now, if he lays a hand on hers, she might think that was an invitation to sexual motives. The bond of friendship between them has been broken or at least tainted severely. Jack stopped abruptly. He was thinking fast and his forehead was on fire even though it was very cold. Something has to be done, he thought. Now it was getting dark and colder. The temperature reading at the Square was leveling down very quickly to 31

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zero. He turned back, determined what he had decided to do. The next morning is his last day in Luxembourg City. Therefore, there was no time to loose anymore. He reached his hotel, took his room-key from the counter and went swiftly upstairs. He sat in front of his laptop and started sending an e-mail message.

Dearest Anya, It is with great difficulty to write and send you this e-mail. You might think why I did not come and what I have to say, just tell it straight to you. Dearest, and by now you know that you are truly dearest to me - if I come to you personally I would not be able to say one word of what I have to tell you. I have read your e-mail and was hurt very much for the poor opinion you have built about me overnight. You should know me better by now! I never had the intention to hold you to me against your wish. I always told you that sexual activity between us is not the prime factor but it can be as a result of something more beautiful … more sublime … and that is our friendship. I admit, yesterday I acted very quickly and without proper thinking but I was disappointed. I felt myself frustrated that your manager is going to ruin for us a very nice evening where we could have gone to the centre, eat something, drink something, walk and talk together. But all that … that is - my frustration was interpreted by you as jealousy. I do not blame you for that. It may have seemed somewhat that way but I never was or still am jealous of you. You have your own life to lead like I have my own life. I am only a foreign body to you.

Alien roaming in your subconscious mind.

We come from different 32

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countries and different environments. We have families of our own. … You have your own husband to be jealous of you like I have my wife. You have your own daughter whom you adore like I have my children whom I also love very much. Dearest Anya, I only want to be just the good friend and the best companion. All I want from you is the true friendship we shared through these last years. Without any suspicions or any regrets. I want to touch your hand or your body as sign of my great love I have for you and not as a wish to walk further in fields you do not desire to step into. If you want to sleep with me it would be of your own free will and choice. Anya, I used the word LOVE with an intention. Yes, I do love you! I do not know why, how or what love is this that is in me. I tried to make an analysis of it … whether it comes from desires of the flesh …whether it originates from the difference of our cultures, traditions and environments. I tried to find guilt in me for loving you but I found none. I searched for regrets but there were none. I did my best to discover remorse but my soul was free of them. I could not analyze this love properly. I found no answer to my questions. I do not find any inward accusations that my love for you is a love of unfaithfulness or deceit to my wife. I love my wife because she is the woman I always wanted to get old with like you love your husband whom you decided to share your existence with. But I love you in another way. A very special way! A love that goes beyond the desires of the flesh! My mind is clean and my soul does not give me trouble. If I kiss you it would not be an illicit kiss. If I touch your body, it would not be a profane act. If I sleep with you, it would not seem adultery as considered by the ethics of the outside world. My love to you is in freedom of the bonding rules of society.

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Anya, I know that you do feel something for me too. Something that is higher in value than the ordinary friendship shared by colleagues. Otherwise you would not let me hold you, kiss you and touch you. Otherwise you would not rest your head on my shoulder and get closer to me to feel your soft flesh and your golden silk hair. Otherwise, your breadth would not warm my cold face. You are cautious because you are not sure of yourself. You calculate before you make the next step. That is good because when you decide it would be a wise decision and I am not the one to criticize you for that. For all this, and for what happened yesterday, that by misfortune we have tarnished our beautiful friendship, I think we have to take a decision. I love you too much to let you enter into a labyrinth of doubt. A road that you might regret you took in the future. If our relation gets bigger or worse, it might not be the same like it was before yesterday. Pure and satisfying! There will be hidden scars that cut deep into our hearts and their marks bring sadness and misery. Let us keep in our minds, in our hearts and in our individuality the days we were together, the evenings in cold weather but yet, in warm company, the romance we shared together. Let us remember the simplicity of our behaviour that had nothing of the complications of extramarital relationships. In this way and in this reason we will always remember each other in the light of the day and not in the darkness of the night. We could still be one but only in our spirit. We can talk and understand each other through the beatings of our hearts and our messages will be carved in our souls by our thoughts that travel through the vast distances that separate us. I love you Anya! Your true and good friend, 34

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Jack.

… “Ladies and Gentlemen! Please, may we have your attention! Airlingus flight 472 to Dublin is ready for departure. Passengers are requested to go to Gate 6 for boarding and prepare their passports and boarding tickets before boarding. Thank you!” Jack was startled by this announcement and stood up. He picked up his hand-luggage and prepared himself behind the queue of passengers. He was feeling sad not because he was leaving Luxembourg behind and this was his last time in this City but because there was no response from her. Is it possible that she did not want to answer him? How could that be? Anya was not of that character! No, something must be the cause of her not answering! She might not read the message after all, he said to himself feeling now more relieved. Perhaps she will answer later on. “Your passport and your boarding ticket please, Sir!” asked the hostess in a polite manner. Jack gave her both and waited for her to give him back his passport and the part of his ticket. He walked very slowly the aisle leading to the entrance of the airplane. When he was inside he stood there waiting for the passengers to find their seat and put their small belongings in the overhead compartments when his mobile phone went into a message tone. Jack felt his heart giving a small leap and all of a sudden got very excited. Now it must be her, he told himself! He has to read the message very quickly. But the passengers had not sorted themselves out yet and now Jack was getting very nervous. He pushed his way half through and when he was seated, he took out his mobile set from his belt pocket 35

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and very quickly, excited and very nervous, opened it. Yes, it was from her. Her name was registered there. Her beautiful name, he said in his heart. With trembling hands he pressed the message button and read:

“Dear Jack, I understand! Good bye!”

The plane started its engine and in ten minutes it was airborne. It gave a curve when it reached its altitude and Luxembourg City disappeared in a short time from the vision of all those who were inside the airplane. All passengers were busy talking or reading some magazines or books. Only one passenger was quiet and all by himself, lost in a world of his own with only one tear coming down his face as he closed his eyes.

Salv Sammut December, 2007

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