ACA Minnesota Intergroup
FOR ACA NEWCOMERS
Welcome to Lake Harriet Adult Children Anonymous This packet introduces you to ACA - why it is here, how it works, and som e of the resources that are available to you. Purpose of ACA W e are adult daughters and sons of alcoholic or dysfunctional fam ilies. W e m eet to share our experience, strength and hope in living a program of recovery and growth. The core of the program is the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, which guide us on a path of physical, em otional and spiritual healing. W e also recognize that we have m any characteristics in com m on. These are sum m arized in the ACA Problem and Solution, and other literature. ACA is independent of Al- Anon, AA, and other Twelve Step Program s, although we acknowledge the wisdom and power of those program s which we have adapted for our particular needs. Guidelines for M embers This group is self-supporting, and relies on voluntary contributions from us to pay rent and other expenses. W e periodically appoint m em bers to perform various group tasks. These m em bers are the ‘Trusted Servants’, responsible to the group. W e try, through service, to give back som e of what have received as part of our Recovery, but not to repeat old patterns by giving too m uch. W e ask you, as a newcom er, to attend at least six m eetings before you decide whether the group is right for you. It often takes at least six weeks to start understanding and feeling how it works. You have the right to say nothing. You also have the right to ask for, or to not accept, feedback to what you have said. This is not a therapy group. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. Take what you like, and leave the rest. Most m eetings do not allow ‘crosstalk’. Each person is allowed to share freely and without editorial com m ents, one-liners, or interruption. This helps create a safe place to share. Crosstalk violates the safety of the m eeting by re-creating the fam ily experience of not being heard, or of being ridiculed or criticized or belittled. W e avoid giving advice. W e prefer to share the story of our recovery, and of our experience, strength and hope. W e give support, by listening, encouraging, verifying and validating others. W e learn to focus on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, rather than on others, by m aking ‘I’ statem ents. Respect the needs of others for tim e. If you wish to talk at length about som e issue, ask the group m em bers first stick to your issue and avoid going off on tangents. Above all, rem em ber that everything said in the group should stay there. Our progress depends on building trust between us. Gossip about each other is com pletely unacceptable. Anonym ity is an essential part of the group. W hat is said and who says it are not to be discussed with others. W e use the telephone to talk with other m em bers we related to between meetings. Som e groups keep a phone list and other groups sim ply encourage you to ask for the phone num ber of a m em ber whose sharing reached you. You m ay wish to choose one m em ber of the group and ask him or her to be your ‘sponsor’. A sponsor is som eone who can answer your questions about the program and who is willing to be there for you when you need support. This should be som eone with whom you feel com fortable and can relate to openly. Som e m em bers have several sponsors. lf you decide to stop attending a group, please, tell the group. W e hurt when som eone we care about leaves without saying good-bye.
THE PROBLEM Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families seem to have several characteristics in common as a result of having been brought up in a dysfunctional household. As we come to understand these characteristics and realize the effect they had on our lives, we continually work to put them in the past and initiate new positive characteristics. 1.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4.
We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both; or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love, friendship, and career relationships.
6.
We have an over-developed sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, or our responsibilities to ourselves.
7.
We feel guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves, so instead we give in to others.
8.
We became addicted to excitement.
9.
We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue”.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much. This includes our good feelings such as joy and happiness. Our being out of touch with our feelings is one of our basic denials. 11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. 12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. 13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we may not have picked up the drink. 14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
The Solution The solution is to become your own loving parent. As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that carry over from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself. The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories wilt return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect. This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery. This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps; we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. As we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible. By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see the family disease more clearly - how it affected you as a child and continues to effect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting. You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you. This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.
The Twelve Steps of ACA 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.
We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The Twelve Traditions of ACA 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.
Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on ACA unity. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for ACA membership is a desire to recover from the effects from growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or ACA as a whole. We cooperate with all other Twelve Step programs. Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry the message to the adult child who still suffers. An ACA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the ACA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every ACA group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions. ACA should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. ACA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. Adult Children of Alcoholics has no opinion on outside issues; hence the ACA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
The Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tools Like other 12-Step Programs, we have found the basic tools to be important to our Recovery/Discovery. These include: Meetings - a safe place to begin our Recovery/Discovery. Telephone Calls - The telephone is our lifeline between meetings. The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions - are the core of our recovery. Literature - Materials from ACA, other 12-Step Programs, and our personally chosen materials promote our recovery. Writing - for our 4th and 10th Steps, and in time of emotion and confusion. Many of us keep a journal for reference and perspective on our Recovery. Anonymity - allows us a new freedom to share our feelings and to experience an Identity apart from a “Label”. We need to be free of the fear of gossip or retaliation. Service - We serve by speaking, leading, doing group chores, giving rides, talking with newcomers, and doing what we can to ensure the safety of ACA being available to the next Adult Child who needs it. This includes volunteer work for the ACA community as a whole through our local Intergroup. Sponsorship - some ACA members find having one or more sponsors useful to their recovery.
Slogans & Quotes We use slogans, such as the following, to help us remember and practice the program’s wisdom. One day at a time Keep it simple Easy does it Principles above personalities Stay in today Here and now Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just feelings Let go and let God Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken We’re as sick as our secrets This too shall Pass But for the grace of God, There go I Let it begin with Me Don’t push the river, let it flow by itself Live and let live What we hear here, Who we see here, Let it stay here. Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone. After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything. Come to ninety meetings in ninety days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
Honesty, without gentleness, is nothing but brutality… Gentleness, without honesty, is nothing but sentimentality. - Fr. Emmerich Vogt
The Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families From the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed. D.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.
Adult children guess at what normal is. Adult children have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. Adult children lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Adult children judge themselves without mercy. Adult children have difficulty having fun. Adult children take themselves very seriously. Adult children have difficulty with intimate relationships. Adult children over-react to changes over which they have no control. Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation. Adult children usually feel they are different from other people. Adult children are super responsible or super irresponsible. Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
The Promises From the book, Alcoholics Anonymous
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know to how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Resource List ACA M innesota Intergroup, P0 Box 32905, Fridley, MN, 55432. Phone: 763.574.0903. - Maintains and distributes Meeting lists, new m em ber packets, new m eeting packets, and other literature. Makes referrals from a Speakers Bureau. Monthly business m eetings are held every second Monday of the m onth, 7:00 pm , at ACA MN Intergroup office, 6235 University Ave NE, Moon Plaza Shopping Center, Fridley, Minnesota 55432. Al-Anon Information Services, 7204 W 27 th Street, Suite 101, St. Louis Park, MN 55426. Phone 952.920.3961.
[email protected] www.al-anon-alateen-m sp.org - Stocks a large collection of literature and m edallions for various 12-Step program s. Al-Anon W orld Services, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia, VA 23454-5617 Phone: 757.563.1600 wso@ al-anon.org www.al-anon.org Adult Children of Alcoholics - W orld Service Organization, P0 Box 3216, Torrance, CA, 90510. Phone 310.534.1815. info@ adultchildren.org www.adultchildren.org - Serves as service um brella to ACA Meetings W orldwide.
Daily Reading Books Affirm ations for the Inner Child Daily Affirm ations for Adult Children of Alcoholics Days of Healing, Days of Joy Each Day a New Beginning The Prom ise of a New Day Touchstones Today’s Gift
Books for Adult Children Adult Children-Secrets of Dysfunctional Fam ilies by John and Linda Friel. Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer W oititz. Another Chance by Sharon W egscheider-Cruse. Children of Alcoholism by Judith Seixas and Geraldine Youcha. Choice Making by Sharon W egscheider-Cruse. Co-Alcohoiic/Para Alcoholic by Jael Greenleaf. Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. For Your Own Good by Alice Miller. Guide to Recovery by Herbert Gravitz and Julie Bowden. Handbook for Adult Children by Herbert Gravitz. Healing the Sham e that Binds You by John Bradshaw. The Inner Child of Your Past by Hugh Misledine. It W ill Never Happen to Me by Claudia Black. Once Upon a Tim e by Amy Dean. Old Patterns, New Truths - Beyond the Adult Child Syndrom e by Eamie Larsen. Prisoner of Childhood by Alice Miller. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck, MD. Repeat After Me, a workbook by Claudia Black. Stage II Recovery by Earnie Larsen. Stage Il Relationships by Earnie Larsen. Struggle for Intim acy by Janet Geringer W oititz. The Secrets Everybody Knows by Cathleen Brooks. Thou Shalt Not Be Aware by Alice Miller. W om en W ho Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
Common Terms and Practices of Our 12-Step Program ACA - ACA is a safe place for people who identify with the problem of alcoholism , or dysfunction, to be who they are at this m om ent of their life. It is based on the 12-Steps and 12-Traditions of AA. It is a self-help organization of people who have several characteristics in com m on, and have the need to identify with others like them selves. Fellowship - This is the com m unity of people who grew up in sim ilar dysfunctional fam ilies, who com e together on a regular basis to offer their experience, strength and hope to the other m em bers of the group. Also, receiving, when needed, the warm th and understanding of the group, as well. W hat you give, you also receive. Realizing that we are not alone in our journey is one of the bonds that hold the group together. Fam ily of Choice - This is a term that describes the difference between a biological fam ily from the preference of the 12-Step group. Som e of us choose to think of our fellows in ACA. as our REAL fam ily m em bers. It’s a way to put into perspective what the group m ay becom e for you. Dysfunction - There seem s to be no correct or com plete definition of this word. To m any of us, a dysfunction fam ily operates under the belief of putting out the fires only when necessary. An environm ent where nothing is “Norm al”. Em otions are frozen and never exposed. A reactionary environm ent that uses sham e and blam e to get anything accom plished. A fearful state of existence, where everything is on the surface. Appearance being the prim e m otivator of all actions. A place where it is not safe to expose your feelings or em otions. Dysfunction is not lim ited to alcoholism . Any addictive or abusive environm ent could be included. Anonymity - This is very im portant in any 12 Step program . That belonging to a group m eans only other m em bers will be privileged to know that you are also a m em ber. Our identities m ust be protected so we can feel safe enough to say what is in our hearts and on our m inds at the m eeting. 12 Steps & 12 Traditions - The 12 Steps are a suggested m eans of working a healthy program . They are m eant as guidelines, not rules. This is the glue that holds an individual’s recovery together. The 12 Traditions are the glue that holds the group together. In Al-Anon, adherence is essential for a healthy group to grow spiritually. Sponsorship - As in all 12 Step groups, it is recom m ended to ask som eone of the sam e gender if they would be your sponsor. On our phone list, m em ber’s nam es followed by an asterisk have indicated an interest in being a sponsor. W e also ask sponsors to raise their hand in the big group to put a face with that nam e. Hopefully, m aking it an easier process. For m ost Adult Children, it is difficult to approach others in this m anner, but you will probably find that it really isn’t all that difficult. Asking som eone to have coffee with you, is perhaps, a way to broach the subject of sponsorship. An agreem ent is then reached how the relationship will work. M eeting Format - The Trusted Leader calls the m eeting to order by starting the Serenity Prayer, followed by som e readings in an autonom ous form at. Then there is a Step-Talk given by a volunteer m em ber. After the talk, we break into sm aller discussion groups to share our own experiences on the topic, followed by m em bers talking about any other issues they have, if tim e allows. Then, there is a large circle closing ending with the Serenity Prayer. Autonomous - Autonom ous m eans quite sim ply that each group can decide what form at fits for them . In our group, we prim arily use the Al-Anon conference approved literature but we determ ine the order. Although, the group conscience can m ake variations from tim e to tim e if the m ajority of the group is in favor of doing so.
Higher Pow er - Som e m em bers choose to call their Higher Power (HP), God. As a person progresses through recovery, their Higher Power changes. Som e people think of the group, itself, as their HP. It is the source of spirituality for each individual m em ber. The 12 Steps m ention turning our will and our life over to the care of the HP. The Higher Power needs to be defined by each m em ber, for them selves. Conference Approved Literature - Al-Anon and AA have lists of conference approved literature. It is handouts, pam phlets and books that the organization has sanctioned. They encourage the groups under AL-Anon and AA to use only these m aterials unless the other m aterials are identified to all the m em bers of the group, so they can choose to use whatever fits for them in our group, we have both. The m aterials read during the large group are conference approved. Trusted Servants - in any group, there are a couple of trusted servant volunteer positions. These trusted servants do no govern. They m erely do service for the group. There is a Trusted Leader, who leads the group each week over a period of 16 weeks. Usually there is a librarian who stocks the library by going to the lnter-Group office, and a Treasurer. The Treasurer collects the donations each week, puts the m oney in an account, and sends checks to W orld Services, the local Al-Anon inter-Group, and the church for rent. M edallions - Medallions are a way of rejoicing the m ilestones that we pass along our journey to recovery. Usually, the way it works is when you approach an anniversary date that you have been in the program , you ask som eone you know in the group, or outside, to present you with a m edallion. There is a designated tim e during the m eeting when the trusted leader will ask if there are any m edallions to be presented. It is a good way to acknowledge ourselves for the work we have done and celebrate our recovery. The increm ents of m edallions that we stock are 3,6 and 9 m onths. And then I year, 2 years, etc... The presenter of the m edallion usually states how they have seen the recipient of the m edallion, grow over that period of tim e. This is followed by an optional statem ent by the recipient about how they have changed over the tim e period. Step Talks - Usually a m em ber Sign’s up on the calendar well in advance to give a talk. In our autonom ous group, for instance, we talk about Step One & Tradition One, one week. The next week we talk about Step Two & Tradition Two. Every three weeks or so, we talk about a pair of sim ilar Adult Children characteristics as outlined in Janet W oititz book about Adult Children of Alcoholics. W e use the latter to contribute healthy dialogs about the issues that trouble us as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household. Step talks, as the group conscience had determ ined, should last no m ore than about 15 or 20 m inutes, so as to give everyone the opportunity to talk about it in the sm all discussion groups. It is an opportunity to share with the group who we are, as well as conveying strength and hope to the group as it relates to our experiences in recovery. One does not necessarily need to have done the Step, in order to talk about what it m eans to them . Cross talk - Mainly this term refers to a situation in the sm all discussion groups after the step-talk. Each m em ber of the sm all group is given the respect of speaking uninterrupted about the topic. If som eone m akes a com m ent during som eone else’s tim e, or gives advice, or tries to fix the other person, this is considered cross talk. W hen this occurs, hopefully, som eone in a ‘good place’ can m ention it to the person in a respectful way. Either at the tim e, or privately later on. Cross talk can have an effect on people that would m ake them less than willing to share openly. The trusted leader m entions that there is to be no cross talk before breaking into sm all groups just to rem ind people to be respectful Group Conscience - The group conscience is a com bination of the feelings, issues, values, opinions, wisdom and knowledge to find a plan that works best for the entire group. Placing principles before personalities. Quite sim ply, it’s a voting system to enact changes within the group’s infrastructure. Group Inventory - A group inventory questionnaire form supplied by Intergroup to check how healthy each individual is in relation to their recovery, and how healthy the group is as a whole. It helps bring up im portant issues that the group can turn into tools for growth. It’s a form of checks and balances.