Neglect 3

Rodriguez

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Armando Rodriguez Linda Ramos English 1A [Write out numbers under 10] 15 November 2009 Dysfunctionality? [Unless in a quote, avoid rhetorical questions in academic writing] I’m conned into believing my oldest brother is taking me to the store for candies and chips, we [Use "we," "us," or "our" to mean yourself and coauthors, not general humanity (or yourself and the reader)] pass the gas station then [Wordiness: consider removing "then"] the liquor store and I ask him, “Where are we going?” He doesn’t respond. The steel bucket we sit in turns into a dirt road leading into what would be an inferno burning my holy ghost for eternity. The dirt road leads into an almond orchard, the further we drive the greater the path morphs into a tunnel of dense brush. “Where here get out of the car,” he says as he guides my four year old [four-year-old is a hyphenated word]

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defenseless body into a lifeless vacated shack. The windows are busted, [The passive voice is a form of "be" (are) and a participle (busted). Over-use of the passive voice can make paragraphs tedious to read and officious. Try to use the active voice most often, e.g., the student completed the paper on time. The passive voice version: The paper was completed on time by the student. Note how often the passive voice appears in your paper.] the walls are cracking, I’m filled with turmoil as I’m tossed into a corner cot like a shot put tossed by an Olympian. My body is pierced, [Passive voice] my spinal column on the verge of collapse by the foreign pressure, I’m concerned breakfast will erupt like a vicious volcano through my tightly wound navel. Say a word and your [Eliminate second person (you, your) in academic documents and avoid addressing the reader directly. Use third-person pronouns (he, she, it, they)--check the rest of the composition] mother is next,” my idol whispers softly in my ear. Rape is your [second person] soul floating far away an innocence, a child hood high jacked simultaneously. Studies show most sexual abuse and sex crimes are committed [Passive voice] by people who know the victims, acquaintances are most often the perpetrators, followed by family members and then [Wordiness: consider removing "then"] strangers (CCRC Childhood Sexual Abuse). I’m alone in a hallway closet converted into a bedroom, my twin bed lays smothered rubbing elbows with the bland walls. The light that hangs over my head reminds me of an episode I saw in “Unsolved Mysterious.” The melodies and sweet dreadful stench that roam through our apartment imply my mother will be searching for a fisherman to crack open her clam. I plead with her not to abandon my susceptible five year old [five-year-old is a hyphenated word] mind, me I’m terrified of the dark and tormented by the unknown that lingers outside these walls as silence approaches the night, “Mira baboso, te callas oh te chingo.” She’s gone, I weep under my blankets a verse [Check spelling: " verses" are parts of a poem, song, or religious scripture, but "versus" means "in contrast with" (often abbreviated vs.)] to a place where people and animals live serene and harmonious “Now I lay me down

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to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to take, if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.” Hours later I wake to a cold empty darkness, my instinct to call for help, the phone is disconnected. [Passive voice] My savior is somewhere outside, I run there to encounter a fence sealed with a massive steel lock. I jump the fence leaving behind flesh of my inner thigh hanging above edge of the fence. I’m screaming for help, no one will answer to my soliciting cries. An apartment across the street glows with its front porch light. My pounding brings a young confused couple to the door who ask, “what’s wrong, where are you parents?” “I’m all alone she went dancing,“ I reply. I’m served hot chocolate and bedded a spot on the floor in front of the TV. I’m assured tomorrow they’ll take me to my mother. I dose off listening to them critiquing my neglecting mommy. “The total number of children who were missing from their caretakers in 1999 (i.e., their caretakers did not know their whereabouts and were alarmed for at least an hour while trying to locate them) is estimated to be 1,315,600.” (J. Robert Flores) My mother and I moved far away to a deserted cornfield farm out in the country without a neighbor insight. My mother, her boyfriend and I are caged [Passive voice] in by a canal that surrounds the mosquito infested place. We migrated here proceeding an incident that caused a dilemma in the first grade. My teacher Mrs. [Avoid using salutatory titles] Patterson kept me after class informing me somebody wanted to speak with me. A police officer entered the room and said I would be going with him to answer a few questions. When we arrived to the police station a group of adults were waiting for me [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] in what looked like a doctors office filled with instruments and big bright lights. The question related to my saturated blue and black frame. My conscious reminded me of threats to never say a word, the truth would soon come out. I told them my mother’s boyfriend did it to her and I. The following would consist of questions, pictures and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] more pictures of my leopard body. My mother and her boyfriend where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] jailed for five days, this is how I ended up here. I dread it

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here, I miss school, the dog that lives here snaps at me. I share a room with my mothers boyfriends uncle who sleep walks along the canal in the middle of the night. When I fail to meet my mothers boyfriend expectations, he throws me into the shower and alternates the water between freezing cold and scorching hot. In the evening when his favorite show is aired, he commands me to get [Avoid forms of "get"] on my hands and knees as he rest his legs on my back. This is his way of being [Clearer writing suggestion: If not a noun (as in "human being"), the word "Being" is hard to imagine; it means "existing." Try to rewrite this without using "being"--with words like "attending," "working," "living," "experiencing," sometimes simply "as"--or even simply removing "being"] efficient using my back as his ottoman while [Clearer writing suggestion: "While" is accurate in linking simultaneous events (in the sense of "during")--otherwise use "although," "whereas," "and," or "but"] the show takes its course. My mother has been trying to leave but she too is scared [Passive voice] he will hurt us. My peace arrives in the mornings when everybody is gone to work, I’m left alone to watch Gilligan’s Island, I love Lucy, and Bewitched. I’m getting [Avoid forms of "get"] used to the abuse. My heart tells me to be content after all this man provides a roof and delicious corn on the cob with melted butter and sprinkled cheese. I convinced my mother to let me live with my father. Life is amazing even though I was held back to the second grade after test scores reviled I was remedial across the board. I was not bothered [Passive voice] by this, the pros out weigh [The preceding two words are spelled as one word] the cons. Dinner as a family is terrific, the dog is friendly and my father is very caring and patient. his wife is acceptable, though sometimes she pushes to far. At dinner time she insist I eat the entire mountain of food that towers my plate pushing my stomach to the verge of explosion. She recently tore pictures I had stashed of my mother, worst though, she insist I call her mother and not by her first name. The uneasiness is worth it; she dresses me for Halloween, we have Thanksgiving and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause]

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Christmas. I’m always curious to know why my fathers pager is always going off or why determined strangers come at random hours of the night. It is ["It is" is an awkward phrase if "it" is not clearly a thing] unclear why he conceals a gun, maybe he is a detective. My curiosity fades between school, karate practice and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] band rehearsal. My father and I moved to a local motel this summer, apparently he needed a break from his wife. We been here for a couple of months, it’s great [Clearer writing suggestion: "great" is an overworked word, too frequently seen, and too vague: Webster has many meanings for it (huge, superior, numerous, and more), you risk misinterpretation (besides "much," a "great deal" can mean an excellent transaction). Use a better, more specific modifier] not having [Clearer writing suggestion: "having" as a transitive verb is vague, meaning anything from suffering a cold to childbirth; reconsider the sentence and look for a clearer way to express the idea, as in "possessing," "acquiring," "developing," etc. Often "having" can simply be deleted] to pick up after yourself [second person] or the privilege of going swimming in the pool that sits behind our cookie cutter room. I start the 5th grade today I’m so excited to see friends and meet my teacher. While [Clearer writing suggestion: "While" is accurate in linking simultaneous events (in the sense of "during")--otherwise use "although," "whereas," "and," or "but"] I’m getting [Avoid forms of "get"] ready for the school a loud pounding at the door rattles the room, “open up” “open up” is shouted [Passive voice] behind the door. My father gets [Avoid forms of "get"] out of bed runs to flush something down the toilet. I’m terrified of dying, what do they want? [Unless in a quote, avoid rhetorical questions in academic writing] My assumption is we’re getting [Avoid forms of "get"] robbed, I reach into a drawer and draw my pellet gun. My father is yelling, “put it down” just as the door is smashed [Passive voice] open I drop the gun. Men dressed in black resembling ninjas rush my father and I. My father is handcuffed [Passive voice] and placed in the back of a car, I’m sat on the edge of the curb. The back of their shirts read “Mariposa Narcotic Task

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Force.” High fives are tossed [Passive voice] around as the laughing men compliment [Check spelling: A "compliment" is nice words, and "complimentary" means "free of charge"; "complement," on the other hand, means "to enhance or add to"] each other on a great [Avoid "great"] job. My father is in prison, his wife divorced him and sent me packing to my mothers. I live in a crowded apartment complex in the middle of Stockton, Ca. My mother continues on [Phrasal verb: These two words mean something different from the two words separately (looking up each word in the dictionary would not produce the meaning), which could cause misinterpretation in a business communication if the reader is not from your region (or country). Try simpler wording, such as "advance," "continue," or "progress"] pace, drinking, smoking and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] meeting different guy friends. The men that [Possible error: If this word refers to a human being, people are never "that" or "which," they are "who"] come around make me ill to my stomach with their invading, obscured language, making sexual gestures toward my mother. I recently exploited my curiosity. I figured I’d give it a try since [Check word choice: "Since" is more precise in referring to time ("after that"); otherwise use "because"] my mother treats it as if sex where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] a handshake and nothing else. My girlfriend, she too was eleven [Express numbers higher than nine in digits (when not the first word in the sentence)] [Passive voice] the first time she did it, she assures [See above, assure vs. ensure] me not to be scared. [Passive voice] She would become my pilot navigating me trough turbulence, guiding me to a destination where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] one could only experience through a perpendicular feeling. I’m unsure if I ever arrived. On my way home from school I head to Kmart, I’ve become an expert in snatching baseball cards, pogs, Hot wheels and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] what ever [The preceding two words are spelled as one word] else intrigues me. I’ve contemplated stealing a walkman, though our

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local fire department gave out a wish list to families who where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] under privileged for Christmas. Last night was orientation, my mother dressed me in pants that merely tipped my ankles and a stretched, stained shirt, she also removed the gold jewelry that coats her body. Her ingenious tactics worked since [Check word choice: "Since" is more precise in referring to time ("after that"); otherwise use "because"] we left the orientation with the back seat of our car filled with a turkey for Thanksgiving, canned veggies, condensed milk, cereal, and a peanut butter jar with an with no identity. I know I should be doing homework but the rush of breaking windows, setting off car alarms and egging front doors release a pain suppressed deep down inside. This evening I’m unlucky. I sit with my head between my legs in the back of a patrol car idling at a rail road crossing waiting for a train to pass. The last time I was brought home by an officer my mother slammed a frying pan into my face deviated my nose to an unknown direction. I’d rather jump in front of train than to go home with this pig. My mother and I have been living in Riverside with an aunt and her family in an over privileged community. I sleep on the floor bare torso to the blond dog hairs that rest between the fibers of the carpet. As I sleep I conceal my disproportion body with a nursery blanket my aunt loaned me. Food is either scarce or rationalized, I wouldn’t know the difference because I’m not allowed in the kitchen. My meals come from leftovers my mother brings from a restaurants she waitresses, or from the courage I build when everyone sleeps as I loiter through the pantry. At times my uncle stays up late, bringing a roaring lion to my insides and a dry cotton field to my mouth. On New Years Eve I begged my mom [Avoid this term in academic writing unless in a quote (write out "mother")] not to leave me alone, my aunt and her family where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] out of town. The house was recently burglarized [Passive voice] they took many electronics, jewelry and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] other valuables. I tried to reason with her but she wouldn’t budge, after her screaming tormented my ears

Rodriguez

I called her a puta, this would proceed my mother converting into a grizzly clawing at my face. In an attempt to block the vicious blows I covered my face with my hands, part of my index finger became confined between her molars that evening. The next school day I told the principal [Check spelling: "principal" is the high school officer or an adjective meaning "the main"; "principle" is a noun meaning a tenet or fundamental] out of desperation. Law enforcement was called [Passive voice] in giving me a déjà vu moment to the first grade. A report was made, [Passive voice] my mother denied everything, regardless the situation became worse. My mother decided to move us to Mexico. As we drive to Mexico the excruciating sound of silence pierces my ears. My face is uniquely marked [Passive voice] by the flying back fist of my mother’s rings. After each swing she yells at me, “you trader, just wait till we get to Mexico!” My mother had the happiest day of her life when she discovered my father was released [Passive voice] from prison. She quickly packed my stuff [Vagueness: "stuff" is a wording gimmick to avoid further description; rewrite for clarity] [Slang: as a noun, this is a vague and informal term inappropriate in academic or business writing] and bummed money from friends to complete the expense of my plane ticket. She was adamant in starting her new life without me, her convincing tone reinforced me to never go back ["go back" is informal; try "return"] . Yesterday I was obligated [Passive voice] to attend “A Night of Reality,” It is [Avoid "it is," etc.] a program for troubled teenagers. I was sent to the program by the school district after my friends and I decided to squeeze adhesive glue into the key holes of our junior high school’s classroom doors. Class was dismissed [Passive voice] that day, thirty [Express numbers higher than nine in digits (when not the first word in the sentence)] -six door knobs where [If not referring to a place, use "in which"] replaced at the expense of our parents. A night of reality is a trip to the county jail, it’s purpose is to visit inmates who scream at you, spit in your [second person] face and make you [second person] gasp for air as you [second person] stand in your [second person] puddle of tears. It worked for many of us, not for me

Rodriguez

[Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] , perhaps I’m a sociopath who can’t feel [Clearer writing suggestion: if "feel" or "felt" is used in the sense of "to believe or think," it is a cliché and vague; use "believe" or "think"] a thing. My father just arrived from work, it totally passed my mind that he instructed me to rake the leaves before he came home. The tip of his cowboy boot breaks the skin in the back of my legs as he kicks me up and down the living room. The kicking stops but the scolding begins, I assure [See above, assure vs. ensure] him if he doesn’t stop I will kill myself, he doesn’t believe me. The anguish has stopped but the animosity continues, he in his room and I in mine. My lips settle softly over the barrow of a shotgun, my finger embrace the trigger, he said I wouldn’t do it. This evening I say my last prayer: When the last tear, the forerunner of my dissolution, shall drop from my eyes, receive it as a sacrifice of expiation for my sins; grant that I may expire the victim of penance; oppressed with suffering and exhausted by its continual struggles with the enemies of its salvation, and then [Wordiness: consider removing "then"] in that dreadful moment, Merciful Jesus, have mercy on me. [A sentence as long as this (55 or more words) can be confusing because it can obscure the meaning with logic twists, recursions, or interminable lists. Cut it into shorter sentences, each with a single idea. Shorter words and shorter sentences are easier to comprehend]

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Work Cited

Crimes Against Children Research Center University of New Hampshire 20 College Rd. #126 Horton Social Science Center Durham, NH 03824 e-mail: [email protected] phone: (603) 862-1888 fax: (603) 862-1122 http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/links/contact_us.html U.S. Department of Justice Office of Justice Programs Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention National

Incidence Studies of Missing, abducted,

runaway and [Possible error: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two--or if it begins a new clause] thrown away children j. robert flores oct 2002