Myth #2, Final

MYTH #2 – Nurturing Your Children is Natural and Instinctive

HOW CAN I ASSURE THAT THE LOVE OF GOD SHOWS THROUGH ME TO MY CHILDREN?

There are varying degrees of “natural nurturing instincts” observed among Moms. For some, nurturing children seems to come easily and naturally but, for others, it may be a process of trial and error, reading books, and talking with friends and relatives. The most important truth, however, is that love for our children does come naturally. This love is a gift from God. “We love, because He first loved us.”(1 John 4:19) Sometimes, though, manifesting this love is not always easy or clear cut. There’s no doubt that I love my child deeply, but the loving can sometimes feel like hard work. Outside pressures, internal conflicts, and unrealistic expectations can get in my way. Since I cannot be a “perfect” Mom all of the time, how do I deal with the realities of everyday Mothering? 1) Putting together a plan may help me deal with my Mother role. The first step is to determine what I believe about being a Mom. The following “bullets” list some of those beliefs: • • • • • • • •

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I can never be a “perfect” Mom. There are many different ways to nurture children, but loving them is the most important thing. I cannot consistently deny my own needs and be a good Mom; however, to some degree, I must die to my own desires when I become a Mom. God is with me, and I can pray to Him for help. I experience peace when I pray (Phil 4:6, 7). I love my child so much that I desire to do what is best for him/her. The love I show towards my child isn’t always returned. The reciprocity (I love you, you love me back, Fields, page 40) may not always be present. Mothering is not about me, how I perform, or how my child performs. In spite of any disappointment I have regarding my child’s behaviors, I am the Mom, I love my child, every child is different, and God chose me to be the Mom. My willingness, desire, and persistence in being a loving Mom are more important than “getting it right.” All children are different, and new stages of development happen quickly. One day I may think that the whining will never end, and then the next day, it’s gone. It is important that I don’t despair, because my child will grow up fast.

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Parenting skills and child rearing techniques are not as important as investing time in loving my child and nurturing my relationship with God. As I deepen my relationship with God, I feel His love abound. In turn, I want to offer that love to my child. And, at the same time, I’m able to show my love towards God by loving my child. I cannot be the Mom I want to be through my own strength, will, and ability. I need God in my life, and the support of others like relatives, friends, ‘Moms and More’, etc. The Moms and More key Bible verse is Titus 2:4,5: . . . that they (older women) may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.” Our prayer is that all the young Moms in this

Tuesday morning program will feel encouraged and loved by the “older” women who are participating with you. 2) Forming a plan for everyday Mothering based upon my beliefs (bullet points above):

EXAMPLE—My baby is colicky, reactive, not relaxed, sensitive, doesn’t like to sleep, and isn’t as “easy” as some babies I have observed. My child is not difficult to love, but showing my love and nurturing him can be challenging. Sometimes I think: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why is this so hard for me?” “This should be easy and natural.” “I wonder if there’s something wrong with my baby?” “This isn’t exactly what I thought Mothering was going to be like.” These questions and feelings are normal. By looking back at what I may believe about being a Mom, I can create a plan for times when I may feel inadequate or insecure: 1. Pray, ask God for help 2. Ask others for help and opinions – friends, relatives, Moms and More leader(s) 3. Display love for my baby, rather than get caught up in trying to figure out the “best Mothering techniques,” or how to be a “perfect” Mom (as there is no such thing). 4. Acknowledge that all babies are different, and new developments happen almost daily. 5. Ignore the pressures I feel from others, and remind myself that God chose me to be this baby’s Mom. I may not think that I “get it right,” but my love for my child will prevail in the end. 6. Remember that I have needs, but I also may need to sacrifice some sleep, plans, and desires. 7. Persist in my willingness to love my child well.

I do not learn to love well when everything is easy. Sometimes, during the most difficult times, I learn how loving I can be even when I’m stretched and exhausted. When I take time to look back, I may not always like what I see, but I am often reminded of the times when I was able to hang in there, and what I learned through that experience. Like the Briseno’s described on page 53, I would have said that I couldn’t handle their situation. Gradually, however, these parents emerged exhibiting love (a gift from God), and the conclusion that God has given them a blessing even though it is hard.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION: 1. What are some examples in my life that show how much I love my child? 2. Have I ever felt as if Motherhood is a competitive sport? SCENARIO FOR REFLECTION: (sharing thoughts and ideas—no absolutes here) One woman I know complains that her young children call their babysitter “Mama,” and that is very upsetting to her. She is a woman whose husband can support the family with his salary. She chooses to work full-time not because of the money, but because “I need more than ‘Mother’ as my job title.” 1. Is this Mom at a crossroads? Am I at a crossroads? 2. What types of “surrendering” must take place when I become a Mother? 3. Is being “just a Mother” enough? Must I “sell-out” completely to Motherhood

and ignore my other roles? What if I think that I’m a much better Computer Consultant than a Mom? 4. What are some thoughts I may have about how the husband may feel in the scenario above? Leslie Fields says on page 51, “No matter my (children’s) response to me, my life is rich because I have been able to love them so much. I want to measure love not by what I receive but by the orientation of my own heart and my actions toward others.” This is turning the tables, sometimes in a radical way, but the gift of a child isn’t just for the joy it gives me (although that is definitely a plus), but the real gift is that I have the opportunity to love my child. And, with God’s help and His model, I know I can do this well.

BIBLE VERSES FROM THIS CHAPTER: Ecclesiastes 7:20 “Indeed, there is not a righteous man on earth who continually does good and who never sins.” Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Isaiah 64:6 “For all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment; and all of us wither like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” 1 John 1:8,9 “If we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” John 12:24—25 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal.” John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” Mark 10:27 “. . . for all things are possible with God.” Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” 1 John 3:1 “See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God, and such we are.” John 14:16 Jesus said, “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever.” Deuteronomy 11:19 “And you shall teach them (words of God) to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up.” Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”

BIBLE VERSES FROM THIS CHAPTER RELATED TO SPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF PARENTING/MOTHERING 1 Samuel 1:1-2:11 Hannah’s example of obedience Exodus 2:1-10 Moses 2 Samuel 13—18 David and Absalom Matthew 14; Luke 1 Zechariah, Elizabeth, and John the Baptist