Mr. Noto And The Case Of The Missing Greenspan

Mr. Noto and the Mystery of the Missing Greenspan Offstage: IRS rangers, arise! Your country needs you now, more than ever. Now we see 3 small scenes for each character. YIBAP is dressed like a stereotypical nerdy schoolgirl, complete with large freshman backpack, more books in her arms, suspenders, eyeglasses, graphing calculator, etc. YIBAP: Is the period over? Hears beeping Wait a sec! Loudly proclaims: I, mild mannered Minerva Minklestein, must meekly move to my locker for no particular reason whatsoever. YIBAP goes to locker. Puts down backpack, books. Theatrically puts on an eyepatch, pirate hat? YIBAP: Yarr, I be a Pirate! Rushes off stage Now we see Deft William, professional picketer. He’s holding a few signs, with the top one saying “The End is Nigh”. He has a few posters behind him, saying “We want more rice; less gravy!” and “Bring back Pasta Bar!” Or he could be holding a “Bring back Pasta Bar!” sign and have posters saying stuff like “field trips past may 1”.. Be creative. These should be issues that concern students DW: It’s quiet. Too quiet. DW: The end of the school year is coming! Repent, ye sinners. Hears Beeping Croikey! A summonses! Puts down all signs, with “Your Ad Here” sign clearly visible on top. Also rushes off stage Noto is teaching a class. Most of the class is asleep. Noto: Let’s do some economics! Supply and Demand! GDP! A match made in econ! Public Choice Theory! Equilibrium! Economists think at the margin! Remember the nice assumptions! Hears Beeping OK class, I gotta go. Stay outta jail! Trisha: A mysterious exit. The school is abuzz. The is the first time we have even seen Mr. Noto leave the school grounds Random Student: He’s left the school! Random Student 2: Truly, this is a historic day. Jeff Ling wakes up: What? Is the period over?

Trisha: Is the period over, indeed. Has Mr. Noto left the school for good? Where has Minerva gone? Will we ever see the pasta bar again? All good questions, all without answers. Tune in to the Trapezoid News Network for more at 8. By now all should be off stage. Have the three characters all run together and pose in a buffoonish way. YIBAP should be dressed as a pirate, along with headphones and other “music pirate” gear. I demand an eyepatch. Perhaps the eyepatch could change eyes from time to time? Deft William has no set costume. Hopefully, his costume should change throughout the play. Like, different hats / jackets? Whatever it turns out to be, William’s outfit should be ridiculous. Like an Otto von Bismarck hat with pantaloons and a double breasted coat and apron. Or a giant napoleon hat along with a dress and suit jacket. Noto should be dressed as a medieval knight. Noto is channeling Don Quixote here. Perhaps he should have a cane? If you can’t pull that off, try a money suit. If that doesn’t work, use your discretion. Remember, Noto always wears those ridiculous boots. Please get a hold of some of those. Alternatively, he could wear a money suit. Have fun with this. Trisha: And now, a breaking news report from our intrepid news reporter, Trisha Amanda Miranda Bernadette Bartholomew Samantha Cassandra. A strange group has mysteriously formed at the Gazebo. Who are these masked men? Do they come as friends or foes? If foes, why do they hate our freedom? If friends, can they help us use Facebook on the school computers? Our rising young star of a reporter is on the scene. Who are you masked men, anyway? YIBAP: Yarr, I be a pirate. Noto: It’s true, that’s his actual name. Deft William: What’s the story, morning glory? Trisha: Astounding. And now a special report by our senior correspondent, Trisha Katrina Hawaii Schwarma Falafel Cassandra. Alan Greenspan has been taken hostage by a shadowy organization of rogue hedge fund managers. They’re putting the beleaguered financier on a webcam. Let’s watch. Alan Greenspan is on a separate part of the stage, acting out the video. Greenspan: I say, this hotel you’ve brought me in is rather subpar. Where are my mittens! I want my mittens. Kids these days, they have no respect for their elders and betters. When I was a boy I walked to school uphill both ways. In four feet of snow. Speaking of snow, where are my mittens? I’m tired and cold and hungry. Trisha: What a great man. Now, before I leave, what is your purpose?

YIBAR: Impatient: Avast belay, yo ho, heave to, A-pirating we go! Trisha: Intriguing. This lonely band of heroes, this small squad of friends, stands proud for what it believes in. Heaving-to, Pirating, and Belaying. Who are we to judge? I suppose, in the end, there’s a bit of pirate in all of us. Exit Trisha. Deft William: See ya later, Alligator. Group looks serious now. Noto should have some sort of technological device that supposedly is connected to a database/internet whatever. I will call it the watch device.

YIBAP: Yarr, me mateys. The capt’n Greenspan has been held for booty by a shipload of scurvy financiers. We must be off to save his scurvy hide. Noto: Right. Don’t forget he’s gone a bit senile. And with the markets watching his every word, who knows what the consequences could be. Deft William: Let me get this straight. This is not a drill. YIBAP: Yarr, and the time be ticking away, me bucko. Noto looks at watch device: In the few seconds since that video, the Dow Jow Industrial has already gone down 5000 points. Cut back to Greenspan Greenspan: I had a cat named Mittens. Once in a while, I’d sit down, stroke Mittens, and say “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” Speaking of which, I’m hungry. Let’s cut interest rates! Cut back to group Noto looks at watch: Well, there go another 2000 points. We have to rescue him before he starts complaining again. And god forbid if he gets hungry. The market will probably tank. That must be our quest: the search for Alan Greenspan. That is my dream! Noto starts singing the song “Impossible Dream” from The Man of La Mancha. (There’s a copy here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EG5wRdYcaCc&mode=related&search=”) YIBAR: Yarr. Belay that talk,matey. All this talk of food and hunger is making me gullet empty. Let’s pillage some grub and grog. Deft William: Indeed, an army marches on its stomach. Noto: But wait! There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

YIBAR: Yarr, Shiver me Timbers! You scurvy dog, you must never have heard of bit torrent! Deft William: How’d you like them apples? Unison: By our powers combined, we are IRS ACTION Rangers! Power of.. spleen. Power of… heart. And my axe. Trisha: And now, a breaking special news report from our woman at the scene, Trisha Bianca Desdomana Takenowa Osaka Ferdnando Cassandra. Where is Mr. Greenspan? No one seems to know. I ask one of the mysterious masked men, Deft William. Mr. William, where might Alan Greenspan be located? Deft William: They seek him here, they seek him there. Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven? Or is he in hell? That damn, elusive, pimpernell. Sink me. Trisha: Deep. Next: Working clocks. Great idea, or Greatest idea? Tune in at 11 on Trapezoid Network News! YIBAR: Avast! We must trail the chase! Smartly, me lads! Sing your shanteys and we’re off! Deft Williams: Turns to Trisha, who is suddenly there: And that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Noto: To the EconMobile! Cut to GreenSpan (Like CSpan?I am tired) Trisha: This is senior correspondent Trisha Champs Elysee Obamarama Gertrude Olga Agatha Esne Segolene Casssandra on the scene with Alan Greenspan. I’ve tracked Mr. Greenspan down enough to be captured along with him. Truly, what an opportunity! Now, Mr. Greenspan, Where are we? Greenspan: I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you've probably misunderstood what I said. That being said. I seem not to be in my Hotel Room. In fact, I think it would be safe for me to say I’m not in Kansas anymore. Perhaps if I tap my ruby red slippers I’ll be home again. But I have no ruby red slippers. Not Fair! I want my slippers! Offstage: Noto shouts: There goes another 200 points! Greenspan: You know, in the original Oz books I had silver slippers. Because they represented free silver. You know what they say, if you love something, let it free. Do you love your hair, little reporter girl?

Trisha: Well, that’s a very interesting question. Because there’s a difference between “like” and “love”. Because I like my Northface, but I love my hair.

Greenspan: Well then, let it free. Undoes Trisha’s hair tie. Trisha: Truly, we are all fortunate to have access to the pearls of wisdom coming from this great man’s mouth. What do we truly love? Our children? Our pets? Our poor oppressed convicts? If we truly loved them, would we set them free? Or does a caged bird never sing as sweet. Powerful, powerful words. Trisha: We’ll continue giving you up-to-date, on the spot reporting here in the secret underground lair of this rogue organization. New Scene: The three heroes track down greenspan, only to be stopped by a barricade of some sort Noto: My economotron is clicking off the scale! We must be close. Deft William: Don’t try this at home, kids. Attacks barrier. Fails. Deft William: No one could survive that! YIBAP: Yarr. I be a pirate. Deft William: That is why you fail. … Did I just say that out loud? YIBAP: Well, sink me. I’ll have your lights and livers. Deft William: I have a wife and kids! I was just joking! Noto: Now now, Yarr I Be A Pirate. The opportunity cost of losing his valuable skills far outweighs the marginal benefit of his death. Especially after you internalize the externality of his protests. YIBAP: That bilge-sucking blaggard! Deft William: What we have here is a failure to communicate. Noto: Exactly. Now, LEEEEEEEETS do some economics! Starts attacking barrier, tears it apart. Blurts out econ terms like karate moves. Intervention! Average Propensity to Consume! Dynamic Equilibrium! Fiat Money! Revenue Tariff! Municipal Funds! Glass-Steagal Act! Consumption function, whats! Your! function!!!! Victory! Cut to Greenspan

Greenspan: I do declare, I hear some commotion. Perhaps people are having a tea party without me. I do love my tea. Earl Grey. Dorian Gray. Dorian Grey may look pretty, but It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible. Speaking of invisible, I lost my invisible hand. How distressing. Trisha: This is Trisha Americana Tropicana Alabama Oklahoma West Virginia Victoria Katherine Peter de Bergerac Cassandra, live at the hidden lair of the hedge fund cabal that has taken Alan Greenspan hostage. And we have exciting developments on the field. Mr. Greenspan has lost the invisible hand of the market. No longer is he the undisputed king of Wall Street Truly, we may have entered a brave new world of the financial sector. Show Noto, Deft William, and YIBAP onstage, walking generally towards Greenspan and Trisha Noto: Funny, the Dow has stopped jumping around so wildly. Deft William: Did you see that? I can’t believe my eyes. What is going on? YIBAP: Blimey! The scurvy dogs are fleeing and shouting “The Invisible Hand be Gone!” Yarr. I knew those lubbers would flee at the thought of tasting our steel. Noto: Mr. Greenspan, we’ve rescued you, your ugliness. Greenspan: Ooohoo! Hello my friends. I’m afraid I’ve lost my invisible hand. Now who will take care of the economy? And mittens! I can’t stroke him without my invisible hand! It wouldn’t be proper! Deft William: What were you thinking? YIBAP: Shiver me timbers! You sly dog. Noto: Mr. Greenspan, didn’t you know? You had the invisible hand inside of you all along! Greenspan: I believe in myself now. And that’s the greatest gift of all. And now, some parting words of wisdom: Light a man a fire, and he’s warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he’s warm for the rest of his life. Trisha: Truly inspiring words. The fire of our passions may warm the lives of others, but if we set others on fire with the search for knowledge, they will stay warm for the rest of their lives. Poignant, brilliant, classic Greenspan. Deft William: God bless us, every one.

Characters: Yarr, I be a Pirate: Pirate, complete with eyepatch. Girl. Yes, her name is “Yarr, I be a pirate”. Her cover Deft William: has a cover as a professional protester. Only speaks in clichés. Changes accents constantly. Mr. Noto :Yes. Yes indeed. ‘Nuff said. Trisha the Reporter: Has huge microphone she shoves in people’s faces. Tries to turn everything into a trite little news segment. Mysterious but also very grandiose Alan Greenspan: He’s gone senile! Give him slippers and a bathrobe. Bit Parts: Students Plot Hook: Alan Greenspan has been captured by a cabal of rogue hedge fund managers, who are holding him for ransom.