Motivation Score 2/6

Motivation Score 2/6 What motivates people to change? I believe there are two main factors. The first is fear and the second is money. The reason people study for exams or work hard in anything is because of the fear of failure. As for money you one just can’t live with out it. The whole world revolves around money. It makes life easier and much more convenient. Ok. A good introductory paragraph. You mean then that motivation is solely extrinsic, coming from without and not from within, and never a combination of both?

The whole point of life is to go through school and be successful so that you one can earn money. Money is a key factor for life nowadays, there are competition all around the world over wealth and fame. Everyone wants to be wealthy so they persevere through hardships in order to be able to support a family, or just buy a car that they’ve always wanted. Some people even take drastic measures such as thievery and murder. If Comment [WU1]: Ok good. Yet not specific. This paragraph claims that money is a driving force for motivation yet you failed ot support it using compelling facts that are specific.

money wasn’t a motivator then there would be no crime in the world.

When people are afraid they do things that they never thought they would be able to do. Anyone who has something to lose is some one who is motivated by fear. This fear is often used to take advantage of people. Many dictators along the years have used fear as a motivator. Now it might not work in the long term affect but it will get things done quickly. Many managers use fear to motivate their workers and push them to get their job done. You cannot disagree with me until you have witnessed an example of this type of

Comment [WU2]: But how can I not disagree if you didn't give me an example of fear as a motivator.

motivation. (Again, no specificity here. Also, don't you think that this paragraph and the above one overlap in some way? Earning money for a living is driven by fear as well as money. Fear of not supporting one's family for example or fear of neediness…)

In the end it all comes down to money and fear. Whether it's fear of failure or just fear of being mocked, fear is a motivator. So if you ever want some one to get something

done, you can choose one of two ways. Either bribe them or take shake them up a bit. You can never go wrong with either of the two. ( Overgeneralization. You are assuming too much on part of the reader.)

This is an attempt to write a successful essay. You need to ponder some issues here.

Abdulaziz Atwah

Thursday 28, 2009 Esaay h.w.

October

Motivation Score 2/6

Comment [WU1]: If you are copying the same phrase form the prompt you'll have ot quote it. Comment [WU2]: This contrasts you claim in the introduction on that change come from inside. As such, your opinion is weakened.

Comment [WU3]: ???

Comment [WU4]: fragment

Can humans be motivated to change things in them ?them?, the real question is "what motivates people to change?" , change comes usually from inside and its results will be discovered later from the outside. To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure from the results. There are many things that motivates people to change, like wealth, beeing athletic, inteligence, etc….. .The main thing that motivates people in these days is beeing wealth; however, money is not everything. For example, a person from the middle class meets his old friend, who became a wealthy man now, this motivates him to work harder and he might be promoted; this happens in these days and maybe everyday. Here is the perfect place to narrow the evidence by supplying a specific example. Another example, that might be more important than having money, is the inteligence point, and that happens in school, in atwork, and even in everyday life. Two friends, one an average and the second is an excellent person in the class, and this what makes the average people be motivated to be an excellent ones. You paragraph is still too broad lacking specificity. As we can see motivation might be a positive and a negative thing in humans' lifelives. Motivation might results in change in positive way, by beeingbeing better than you where, and in a negative, by beeingbeing selfish and loving your selfyourself only.

Score 5/6

Abdulrahman Abou Hamdan

What motivates people to change? Change can be prompted by different reasons. It can be external factors, internal factors, or a little mixture of both. Hardships, other people, and many other factors may motivate people to change their lives and achieve their goals. Good introduction. I would've liked your including a snapshot of the subsequent examples. One great example of self-motivation is Anan Al Galali. As a young man he fled to Europe, fearing the wrath of his family, after failing high school in Egypt. He struggled to survive as a stranger in Europe. Looking for jobs in Denmark, he saw how jobless people where living. They lived under bridges and found no food to eat. Anan then decided to make something out of himself. He looked for jobs. He didn’t care what he had to do for a living, .he just wanted to survive. He later found an opportunity as a dish washer in a hotel. They rejected him several him several times until they agreed to give him the job in exchange for food. Later he showed the hotel manager that he is a competent employee and he started to get paid. As time passed he started climbing up the ladder of success until one day he became the manager of the hotel. More years passed and eventually he became the owner of the hotel. Today he is the proud owner of the world wide Anan Hotel Group. This is the perfect place to end your paragraph by reflecting on this incident again in more depth. Comment [WU1]: Love this movie  Comment [WU2]: ?

Comment [WU3]: revise

An example of motivation caused by others is in the movie “A Walk to Remember”. In the movie a high school popular kid fell falls in trouble one too many times. As a repercussion he was is forced to tutor younger kids and participate in the school play. In the school play he met a young girl. She was religious and didn’t care what other kids in the school thought of her. He fell in love with her, and later found out that she had leukemia. He was impressed of how she lived her life to the fullest and was motivated by her to become a better person. He became a better student and human being and eventually entered medical school. Mke sure you sue the present tense when summarizing the plot. Motivation can be caused by different factors. Some work hard on their own, some are helped by other people, and some get a little of both to assist. In the end the most important thing is to possess the will to change, hopefully for the better. Very good essay.

How to Change? Score 2/6

Comment [WU1]: Ok you quoted from the prompt. That is fine as long as you reflect on the prompt in the introduction. Do you share the same thoughts as the author, do you disagree, do you qualify? Take clear stand on the issue. That is what your essay corrector wants. It's time to take a stand and support with details.

'To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.' Adapted from Ward Sybouts, Planning in school Administration: A Handbook. In The short story “One Thousand Dollars” by O.henry. Bobby Gillian inherited one thousand dollars from his very wealthy uncle. His uncle’s will states, however, that Gillian has to explain in writing how the money is spent, but Gillian was an irresponsible person for all the people around him., Bbecause of this his uncle made a quiz for him to see if he changes. By giving him a thousand dollars and seeing how he will spends them. So Gillian asks several people for their advice on how best to spend his fortune. The surprise was that he gave all his money to the girl that lived with his uncle Mrs. Miriam Hayden, and when he went to the lawyer to tell him about what he did, the lawyer told him about the $50000 that he will inherit if he spends the money in a useable things, and if Hayden. After Gillian knew this he said a surprising thing for all the people, “I lost the thousand dollars on the races. Good day to you, gentlemen. “. He left all the money he dreamt of to make his love Mrs. Miriam gets happy. This shows that love is one of the things that make people change to be better. Ok . Too specific. You have summarized the plot of a short story and should a glimpse of reflection only in the last sentence. You should focus on the motivation part and show insight on it while narrating the plot. To change to a better person is an important step in every person’s life. There are many things that force people to change. One of these things is love, because the person or thing u love will force u to change to make him happy or to satisfy everyone around you. The change is to take a big risk in one’s life, and work in this change until its perfect and shown to all people you love or around you. This is an attempt to write a successful essay. Please read comments above to inform you for later writings.

Amin Bekdash

Comment [WU1]: Too broad. Remember that your title should reflect the content of your essay and that the title always leads you and limits the breadth of your essay if you are in danger of digression.

Comment [WU2]: Comma splice resulting in run-on sentence.

Comment [WU3]: Scholastic year? Your age? Comment [WU4]: Consider revising. Error in sentence structure. Comment [WU5]: Use euphemism here. Remember that your SAT corrector is a high school teacher and this might offend him/her. Also, this is not a standard English expression. Comment [WU6]: Do not start a new sentence with "but'. Also this sentence does not contrast the earlier one, on the contrary it supports it. Comment [WU7]: Overused expression. Revise. Comment [WU8]: Revise. Comment [WU9]: Too wordy. Revise

Score 3/6

Motivation

Motivation is an important aspect in our lives. It can change people to the better.I have once been motivated by a person that who changed my life forever. Some people can be motivated by speeches others by acts, I was motivated by an act. A speech that really drifted me away. ( Great introduction. You stated your opinion purposefully and clearly and you promise an evidence for support In years 10 and 11, I had lower grades than I had earliarearlier in my days. I was not studying, always going out, never come back before 1:00 A.M. the next day I would sleep in class and the teachers would kick me out of class. But, for me it was a really hard year for me because my grandfather just pastpassed away and I was really close to him. From when I was young I would cry just to sit on in his lap, and I never wanted to leave with my parents to the grocery store or the park. When he pastpassed away, I was appalled, ;I was always thinking about him and I always would always go out to forget about him but it would never work. I was so distracted that my life was like an unsolvable unsolved puzzle. Once my dad came to me and asked why my grades were bad and then he told me that he knows knew that I’m I was shocked but that I had to let it go. He told me that grandpa would not be happy if ur I was not happy, . Hhe told me that grandpa would not be happy if you I got low grades,hegrades. He told me that grandpa would not be happy if he knows knewthat your mom is wascrying everyday on you me because you I have changed to the worse. When my dad told me this ,I could hear my blood circulate in my body. I could see my blouse going up and down from the force of my hearts pumping. Fankly, I was touched. The speech that my father gave changed my life forever. ( Ok. So your evidence is a personal experience one. You have given a glimpse of critical thinking here. The evidence was rather not sufficient so I would prefer that you support your opinion with an additional one( not extended from your personal experience. The majority of your paragraph above mentions how your granfather's death affected your life and this gives a sense of personal narrative where the title might be "lose of a dear one". Whereas your paid meager attention to the "motivation", limited to the last two sentences or so.

Comment [WU10]: Indefinite antecedent Revise the whole sentence.

I learned that people are very sensitive, that they are affected by deep emotions. After that glouriousglorious day, I was motivated to get better grades, I was ambitious to become what I already was. And now because of that speech I got a scholershipscholarship to one of the most famous universities in the world which made everyone happy. You can do better if you concentrate on the issue at hand and do not digress. Please read the comments and feedback carefully as these will inform you later writings.

Inspiration leads to Motivation Score 2/6

Have you ever been so dedicated and enthusiastic about achieving your goal? Probably yes, because most people have dreams to accomplish. In my opinion I think that people get motivated when they are inspired. Inspiration leads people to have the motivation to achieve theirthere goals and what is in their minds. So what you are saying implicitly is that motivation to change comes from within or without to change?

When you areone is inspired, youone believes that you are able to do anything. Probably you will be motivated and aspired to do what is in your mind. If you see a person who is a professional in basketball you will want to be a professional like him, or if you see a smart student who get 2000 and more on his SAT, also you willyou will also be inspired, thus you will have the motivation to get like or beat his score. This is an overgeneralization. Also, this is not a specific example.

I used to always have the ambition to get be exempted and get a high average in my school year. My dream only came true when I saw my friend studying and working hard, eventually he got a high average and got exempted. Unlike me I was whistling in the wind. In the second year I was inspired by my friend and motivated to achieve my goal. Finally in the end of the year before the exams in a little time, I heard the principleal calling my name, because I was exempted. It was a wonderful feeling. Ok a specific example but you sentence stucture lacks variety. Also, your word choice with regard to retaining memories are not adequate.

When you are inspired you will really be motivated. If I was not inspired by my friend, I guess that I may have never been motivated, and never achievinged my goal. I say that you must always inspire your friends so they can get motivated and achieve their goals. Please pay attention to pronoun fluctuation.

You supported your opinion, which was implicitly stated, with an example that I consider is a rather weak one.

Fares Wali

Score: 5/6

Are Motivations always Internal? To subscribe to the notion that all motivations are internal is an example of narrow thinking. People get enthusiastic about changing for several reasons. Motivations can take different forms, ranging from ideas to plans to advices and many others. Insight is a great source of energy to alter a lifestyle or a routine and bring about considerable changes. Advices are some kind of an external motivation that we face every day. To this end this essay is divided into two parts, in which I will give examples about both cases, the internal and the external motivations.( Excellent. You clearly and forcefully opinionated your essay with a promise of examples on the aforementioned claims

Comment [WU1]: Wrong word here. Also, works as a noun is never plural;it is always "work", unlike the verb. Comment [WU2]: Rephrase. Error in sent. Structure.

Comment [WU3]: Wordiness "internal' means coming form inside

External motivations are found within our daily lives. For example, I was really excited by the visit of the American University Of Beirut to our school. The lecture about the institution and its admission's requirements made me reorder my priorities. I came up with a new list of works that should be done to achieve pretty good scores to allow me enroll myself in it so easily. This effect was totally external and coming from the advices and the recommendations that the lecturer enriched us with. ( Good example. Though it is a combination of both. This can be your willingness to claim an outstanding status for yourself that motivated you to listen to that lecturer. Unlike those who are not intrinsically motivated to do so and who are not aware of their academic path On the other hand, internal motivations are equal in importance to external ones and are as important as the formers. Once my friend Josh was wondering about not being competitive with others in soccer games. So after long self reflectingself-reflection, he ended up subscribing in a soccer training team to develop his performance and skills. And after a long period of intensified training he was capable of playing as well as an average player in the school team. The motivation for this change is internal and purely coming from inside. Our lives are not ''at rest''. The world keeps changing around us and moving towards future with an increasingly high speed. To keep

updated with the world, we should change as it changes. And in order to change, we need motivations regardless of being internal or external as long as they are serving to keep us updated. ( Excellent conclusion) This is a very good essay product. Some things to ponder though.

Fayez Abaza Comment [WU1]: This title implies your essay will be about change.

October 27, 2009 Changing to Better Life Score 2/6

Since the creation of humanity, man attempted to change his life to the better. There are many opinions regarding man's life motivation to change. Passion and ambition can be considerable purpose to changemotivators to change. ( Good introduction but you would want to emphasize that your essay is about motivation to change and not change as a concept Comment [WU2]: Use present tense hen summarizing the plot.

Comment [WU3]: Wrong word here.

Macbeth, a great warrior and noble man from in Shakespeare's play "Macbeth", was is man of honor, respect and integrity. Macbeth was loyal to the king, and Macbeth always led the army during war. Macbeth and his wife lived a peaceful life. Once after an enormous war the kingdom was weakened and the throne was easily approach by Macbeth. Macbeth's ambition and passion to become in a higher rank made him the villain rather than the noble. He made anything to reach his goal. He planed well then on a dark night Macbeth murdered the king and took over the throne. As a conclusion passion and ambition achieves changes in mans life. I think to live a rich you need to change and to do anything to achieve the goal. ( you have fallen into a lethal error that is of digression. The whole essay revolves around the concepts of ambition and passion as a whole and motivation as peripheral. Abmition and passion can be motivators for change but you failed to bring it out for your reader. Your focus was on ambition rather than ambition as an intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. You also failed to address the consequences of overly ambitious people and how this motivation might mar or improve their lives.)

Hazem Salem 11/Green

Thursday,October29,2009

“Motivation” Score 2/6 There are a lot of things that motivates people, one of them is internal(personal) motivation. External motivation is also important. Your Opinion here it snot clear enough for your reader. You have to make your postion clear. Also, you need to provide a snapshot of your evidence that you will discuss later in your essay. I, myself, got motivated to lose some of my weight because of a lot of external and internal pressures. I have fats all over my body, where ever I put my hand I can find fats, which makes me hate myself. And another thing that makes me hate my body too is that the people's look. Everyone I look at I find him wondering at a part of my fat, and at last they tell me don't you want to lose some of your weight, “have some mercy on yourself.” Also when I want to go shopping I have to first ask about the sizes found before choosing the design that I like. Wherever I go I confront a lot of problems. I have to fetchfitch for a place to comfort me and that I will not disturb anyone. From all of these reasons I got motivated to makebe on a diet so I could lose some weight to get thinner. The most thing that me motivated is the girls. All my friends can get girls easily, while I have to try hard to get one, and I also cant do that. Your solo example is good but the way your presented the problem shows little knowledge in writing skills. You also did not mention explicitly and with insight how this extrinsic motivation changed you to the better.

Doing thing that someone doesn't like or doesn't want to do, can never be made with force. If that person doesn't get motivated by his own-selfhimself he would succeed and be happy while doing the thing.

Karim Osman

11v

Score 3/6

Comment [WU1]: Plagiarized contenct check this link Comment [WU2]: Double contradictory conjunctions

Comment [WU3]: One error that you commit repeatedly is that you state a quote without commenting on it or clarifying for the reader how this is linked to you topic.

Comment [WU4]: It is ok to get ideas from wherever you want but you have to attribute it to that person. Otherwise, it is aplagiarized. link

“The secret of changing is the secret of self discovery you reach inside yourself to discover your personal resources and what it takes to match them to the challenge “aphorismed anaphorism by Arnold Palmer. What motivates people to change havehas always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence and fulfills the duty to express the results of his thought in a clear form; hence, the issue of what motivates people to change? Has always been debatable, where some people fence that they change because of an experience but on the other hand others speculate that they are motivated by their role model. I do agree with author William Boyd that change cannot be motivated from outside; it comes from within .The best persuasive examples to support my point of view are Muhammad Yunus, Vladimir Putin, and Rosa Parks. Ok. Clear opinion stated here, promising specific evidence. “Changing is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have and only you can determine how it will be spent, be careful lest you let other people spend it for you” by Philip Roth. Muhammad Yunus was born in a poor village in Bangladesh, and left an orphan at the age of three where his life struggles started in the face of all cruelties and with the help of his capability of changing he educated himself as a young boy earned the nickname” banker to the poor” by giving tiny cash loans, to the poorest of poor in Bangladesh. That simple idea grew into an international movement so vibrant that Yunus was awarded the 2006 Nobel Prize for Peace because of how he motivated himself to change .Yunus was given the Presidential Medal Of Freedom by President Barack Obama in 2009. This example proved that positive changing is the unquestionable means to the nation thriving and advancement. One gets power, bravery, and self confidence by every change he/she makes in which one actually stops to fear in the face of the world. Vladimir Putin was nominated the chief of the Russian Confederation in 2000 because of his

Karim Osman

11v

capability of motivating himself to change., After earning a law degree although his born to a poor family and despite all the miserable circumstances he lived in and the hardships he has been through. As a result of his success in changing became Yeltsin’s fifth prime minister in 17 months then became acting president when Yeltsin left office. This triumph forces me to state that merely the change he made was the main reason behind Putin reputation and achievement.

Comment [WU5]: Plagiarzed content. Follow this link

“Recognizing ourselves doesn’t come from the outside, it comes from inner peace. I think that we will never find ourselves until we know our capabilities of changing and know what we can do “by Mark Twain. In 1955, Rosa Parks was an African-American living in Montgomery, Alabama, a city with laws that strictly segregated blacks and whites. On 1 December 1955 Parks boarded a city bus. When she refused to give up her seat to a white man, the bus driver called police, and Parks was arrested and fined. The resulting boycott by African-Americans, led by Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., caused a national sensation because of their perseverance of wanting to change the segregation. The boycott was a success and led to desegregation in Montgomery and elsewhere in the United States. She was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bill Clinton in 1996. Finally “Accept the change, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; and then can come the best of benedictions” said by Joan McIntosh I conclude that changing is always a sign of progress. Whatever we do, might be insignificant, but it is important to do it, to prove one’s own existence through his life and that we learned from Jerry Brown, Tim LaHaye, and Patrick Henry that changing is the sure way for success and fame”Advice is like snow the softer it falls the longer it will dwells upon and deeper in itsinks into the mind” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge so I advise you to change your life to the better as Muhammad Yunus, Vladimir Putin, and Rosa Parks did.

Khalid Hossam Score 3/6

Some people need motivation to change. Others have experienced change before and they can change again without having any difficulties or obstacles in their way. I believe that most people don’t like to think about change because either they are scared to change or they just have this notion that “change is bad”. (Good introductory paragraph. You marked your opinion by "I believe" which makes it clear for your readers. Yet, you should've made it clearer to your audience on what motivates and not hinders change ( as mentioned in the prompt). Changes differ from one person to another, . for example businessmen might hate to change the way they run their business, but sometimes they are forced to change so they can keep up with other competing companies. Others spend their whole life in a constant no deviation what so ever from the way they live. Ok. You should've supported it by a specific example on particular "businessmen" Comment [WU1]: I love this handbook  I read it way back at school. Comment [WU2]: There weren't any humans. There were 4 mice who represent humans.

A fine example about how to change and how to deal with change is the novel “Who Moved My Cheese” written by Dr. Spencer Johnson. Dr. Spencer talks about how change is good and essential for our way of life. The novels talks about two mice and two tiny humans who were placed in a maze to find the cheese. “Cheese” in this novel is depicted as the goals in life weather whether it was ismoney, cars, marriage, or success. The two mice didn’t have any problem finding the cheese neither did the two tiny humans. The mice and the humans were satisfied that every day they woke up and found their cheeses were it has always been. But the two mice realized that every day the cheese is getting lesser and lesser. So they head out to find new cheese, but the two tiny humans were shocked and astonished that they didn’t find their cheeses where it has always been. The tiny humans didn’t change quickly like the mice did and head out to find new cheese, because as in real life they were halted by emotions, and fears to change. Another example from my life experience is when I had to transfer to a new school. Everything was different to me especially the way of teaching and learning. So I was too scared to change my way of studying, which I used all my life, but I realized if I change quickly I would reach my “cheese” faster.

So change doesn’t necessarily mean a huge predicament. The only way that people won’t be scared to change is to be motivated from within and to have will power. And as Ellen Glasgow quoted “All change is not growth; as all movement is not forward”. You have slightly digressed form the topic by shifting your opinion on the concept of change instead of " motivation to change". Also you gave two occasional examples not dealt in depth where I would prefer you supply one in-depth example.

For The Better Score 3/6

Comment [WU1]: Consider revising

Comment [WU2]: Confusing thoughts here.

Comment [WU3]: Error in structure. Please revise Comment [WU4]: error

People live their every life normally every day. They always live and act in the way they are used to. Many ,however, change their way in life. They change their way in eating, sleeping, talking or thinking. This change will makes these people move from a condition they’re used to and feel secure in into a condition where they might feel insecure. The question is why do people change? What motivates the people to change?

In my opinion, people change to make good adjustments in their lives; they want to increase their conditions to the better. My friend, for example, changed his way of life. He used to live his life talking in an acidulous way and having some mislead concepts. He used this ways at school with his classmates. He gained some friends, but he realized that he did not have much. Most of his class mates hated his acidulous remarks and his wrong concepts. That was when he decided to change his ways into better ones. He changed his way of talking and became friendly. He also figured out his wrong concepts and corrected them. He felt very unsecure at first, since he is now living under conditions completely unknown for him. But by time, he got used to his new way and began to gain more friendships. He now has many friends.

People always live their lives as they are used to. They, however, tend to change in order to reach the better. To make a change might be a risk, but when this change gives its good results, life will certainly become better.

I think you could've done better . Your sentences lack variety and your ideas seem so plain lacking insight into the issue. In addition, you didn't mention what really motivated him, your friend, intrinsic or extrinsic or a combination of both?

Mahdi AbouAbed Score 1/6

Comment [WU1]: Revise

Comment [WU2]: You used two conjunctions in a complex sentence resulting in choppy idea.

Comment [WU3]: Fix this part of the sentence

Comment [WU4]: Wrong word here.

Comment [WU5]: Error in sentence stuructur and verb tense

How would people change and what motivates them to change? People may change from the inside, how they feel and how they treat others. Though, when people change it means that to risk something, but when people doesn’t change it means that it is a bigger risk. People change depending on their routine life, . some need to change and while others don’t need. Suppose a criminal who kidnaps children and women, it will be hard for him to change because he will never forget what he had done with innocent children and women, and maybe he will commit suicide. You should've supplied a specific incident on the example you started, a criminal who couldn't change. To change and you don’t want to take the risk; you need to have self confidentconfidence., you need to know symptoms you will face is going to be detrimental? Before people change they should ask themselves can they face the risk and if they will do not change the risk they will face will be bigger. Please listen to my guides in class on how to write a successful essay. You did not give any specific detail to support you opinion. Your discussion is still general and an abstraction.

Your syntactic errors and word choice errors are abundant

affecting the content.

Comment [WU1]: Still a broad title

MOTIVATION! Score: 2/6

What motivates people to change? Is it an external influence or an internal influence which that motivate people to change? Or is it both external and internal influence? In my opinionopinion, people are motivated from bothon the inside and the outside. Good. Simple and straight forward.

Comment [WU2]: Error in parallelism

One example is from my own experience. In grade 9 I was a new student in DJIS. I used to get Bs in the report cards and I was unsatisfied dissatisfied neitherboth with my grades nor and with my efforts. When I became a grade tenth student, I worked really hard and studied more than I studied in grade 9. The result was better grades and I was pleased but not complacent because I wanted to improve even more. ( You missed the direct question upon which the whole is based upon. What motivated you to change? Intrinsic or extrinsic motivations? Another example is from the experience of my friend Rauf. Rauf was a bad basketball player. He didn’t like to train to get better at basketball until he watched Kobe Bryant's commercial which showed that every basketball player starts from zero, but if he or she is willing to work to reach the pinnacle, eventually he or she will achieve their goal. Now Rauf is one of the best basketball players I ever know. You gave two good examples but failed to elaborate on both. You did not support you opinion that motivation to change is both external and internal as you claimed. You only stated the exampled without showing insight in each and extending universally. People are motivated from what they see, hear, and experience. It’s the outside which influences the inside. The conclusion slightly contrasts your claim in the introduction that it is a mixture of both. In the conclusion you imply that it is the external that influences one's motivation to change.

Done by: Maher Harmoush

Grade : 11 red

Comment [WU1]: Too broad

Comment [WU2]: First, do not use the second person. Second, this is a run-on sentence and the message conveyed is ambiguous.

Comment [WU3]: Revise this part Comment [WU4]: revise Comment [WU5]: shouldn't this be a contrasting conjunction Comment [WU6]: revise

Comment [WU7]: how can time be infront of you? Comment [WU8]: ?

Comment [WU9]: Wordiness. Error in sentence structure.

Changing Score 2/6

BY: Mahmoud Erbash

What motivates you one to change? You always ask this question to yourself and also for others,it is a complicated question but you always want to now the answer. There are no human beings who did not change throughout their lives. Changing Change is an important event in one's life, without changing, he onewill only know little about the world and the life he is living. Changing Change makes you one know better about the world. In school, changing for the better is the main idea of learning and beginning your future brightly. When I was in grade 7 and also before that, my only concern in class was to make my friends laugh, and getting high grades was not that much in on my mind. That idea began to go out of my mind since starting grade 8., I started studying and giving attention to the teacher explaining. Because of that change, my grades started increasing and my attitude in class and with my friends also changed for the better and my future was cleaner than any other time in front of me. You now that B.C. people's concern was only about fighting other countries and destroying other cities, and they never thought how their lives and their ancestors' lives would be, until they new that their lives would end somehow, Their way of thinking started changing and also the way they see saw the future change, they started opeining schools which is the most advanced thing humans B.C made that affected the entire world. When they opened these schools, they started teaching younger boys and girls how should they should react in the future and from that time on inventions and books started going out so that scientist would give the chance fot other people to continue the thing they started so that the world would change for the better. Changing makes you know about your world wisely and efficiently so that your way of living would also change,. this is a primary reason that motivates you to change. When you are not changingdo not change, your way of thinking would be the same when you are a 50 years old man or you are a 5 years young child. Your essay is marked by errors in sentence structure and grammatical errors

that interfere with the content of you essay. You need to show the corrector that you master the writing skills, yet what I notice here is not the case. You need to focus your attention on your linguistic and writing skills as your ideas in the essay, though are great, are hindered by the lack in your writing skills.

Self- Motivation Score 3/6

“What made you change?” a question that is quite often being asked. It is also a question that could never be truly answered. Some people might answer that their relatives motivated them, while others answer by saying that they were touched by a certain speech. Simply, ALL OF THESE ARE THROWING A BUNCH OF LIES. Motivation comes only through oneself. So you hold the opinion that motivation is intrinsic. However, you have to be aware that the prompt is on "motivation to change" and absolute"motivation"

Comment [WU1]: Inadequate word.

Comment [WU2]: You should've inserted a transition sentence

In World War 2, several countries fought against each other for simple word “greed”. Therefore, millions were either killed, countries were fallen apart, and billions of dollars were spent. The war stopped when kings, queens, and presidents felt the cruel inhumanity in their own bodies. They felt regretful for the millions killed and kingdoms fallen apart. They motivated their own selvesthemselves to stop the bloody war and work on peace. Still you can narrow your example to a specific incident in WWII.

As a rich kid, my friend was raised up to be one of the world’s most descent decent men. , Yet he was introduced to the bad side of the world. At the age of 14, he started to smoke weed, drink alcohol, and curse in every sentence he says. His parents tried all the methods to help him. they lectured him, hit him, called for therapy, and gave him medicine to drop off the bad habits. Yet nothing motivated him until he was able to think about what he was going through. After a while, he just let go of all the ugly habits. Nothing truly motivated him, except himself. Good concrete evidence marked with specificity.

Comment [WU3]: Error int ense

Again and again, motivation comes within oneself. If it wasn’t to self motivation, World War two would have still been going on to the present day. MOTIVATION SHOULD BE REMOVED ENTIRELY FROM THE DICTIONARY AND REPLACED WITH SELF- MOTIVATION. You interpretation of WWII and its end is relatively naïve as it is not self-motivation that ended WWII. Nothing in this compass of destruction is ignited or ended only by self-motivation. All factors interweave in a scheme of intricate possibilities and exploitations. Perhaps it is due to one's need to feel important that caused it or it can be power that ignited it. In short, you did not show depth of thought or showed that you have already pondered on the issue deeply, especially in social studies where you should've covered this content in depth.

Mohamed Salama 11V Score4/6 Comment [WU1]: Do you think the title conveys the content of the essay?

A Better Place Needs Risking

Comment [WU2]: Risk taking

What motivate people to change? Ward Sybouts once said “To change is to risk, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from outside. All of our motivation comes from within.” We should change so we can make our world a better place, but we would be risking.(risking what? Your elaboration of the topic is not clear)

Comment [WU3]: Ok. Good. But be aware of errors in sentence structure.

Comment [WU4]: fragment

Comment [WU5]: Notice how this sentence links the example to the topic adequately. Good work.

“All of our motivation comes from within.” We get motivated from the inside., for example, in believing that the world could be a better place, in believing that we could help the poor, sick & orphaned children, and in believing that we could achieve peace and freedom. Mother Teresa, born in the capital of Macedonia in the early 1900’s, who became a nun and then traveled to India. In India Teresa felt sympathy toward poor, sick & orphaned children. So in India she advocated all what she got to help those children. She started at first at India, but she didn’t stop there ;she went to other countries all over the world to help children. ,And she got the noble prize due to her help to children. Mother Teresa was motivated from within herself by seeing the children in India first and then the rest of the world.

Other people get motivated by believing that they could make peace and freedom. Like Mother Teresa, Mohandas ghandi is one. Ghandi was born in India, who later became a lawyer and was livinglived in South Africa. At that time there was a war going on between Great Britain and India. GhandiGandhi lead India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom across the world. Later Ghandi tried to bring peace between Muslims and Hindus. Ghandi was motivated by seeing that there was something wrong, so he fixed it.

“All our motivation comes from within.” By seeing that something is wrong and that this is not the way the world should be. Sometimes we need to risk changing like what Ghandi and Mother Teresa did to change the world to a better place.

Good essay. Keep it up. You have shown insight and critical thinking throughout your essay though some points need to be considered.

The Power of Motivation Score Zero/6

Comment [WU1]: Error in parallelism (perepssition and adjective). How can you ix this? Comment [WU2]: Possible plagiarism here Moustafa. Check out this link. If you are quoting someone's expression please use quotations and attribute it to the speaker.

Comment [WU3]: Plaigarism here. Check this link out

Comment [WU4]: Plagiarism from this website. Click to link

Comment [WU5]: Same plagiarism here.

Motivation refers to the forces either within or external to a person that arise enthusiasm and persistence to pursue a certain course of action. Motivation affects people from the inside and outside .it also could change a person’s behavior. For example in the play of William Shakespeare's play “Macbeth” Macbeth was is a trustworthy thane but because of his wife’s and the witches motivation he changed changes and he committed commits a crime in killing the king and taking the throne.

Macbeth’s long journey towards possessing the throne travels through many high hurdles. The first hurdle, which is a sign for further hurdles, is the murder of Duncan the king the build-up to the killing of Duncan begins with the witches prophesying that Macbeth will be king. Macbeth wants to fulfill this prophecy due to his high ambitions. In committing the murder of Duncan, Macbeth is somewhat influenced by the witches. The motivation to become king originates from the prophecies of the witches. The concept of having a good chance to covet the throne is brought to Macbeth when the witches address Macbeth as “Thane of Glamis”, “Thane of Cawdor” and “King hereafter”. The final address is the prophecy that Macbeth will be king. The witches’ prophecies are also the beginning of Macbeth’s long journey towards possessing the throne. Macbeth believes in the prophecies of the witches. This is so because the witches are supernatural characters that have special powers. These special powers allow them to perform deeds that humans cannot perform. Because the witches possess unnatural powers, it is rational to believe that they can see the future. Hence, it is logical for Macbeth to have absolute trust in the witches’ prophecies. Due to the fact that Macbeth believes in the witches’ prophecies, his motive to become king is brought up by the witches. He may have thought of taking over Duncan’s throne, but it is the witches that give him the concept that he has the chance obtain the throne. Therefore, the witches influence Macbeth’s murder of Duncan.

Lady Macbeth acts as Macbeth’s superior while the murder of Duncan occurs. Lady Macbeth has high ambitions for her husband. However, she fears that her husband would have trouble when attempting to murder Duncan. Since Lady Macbeth knows that her husband would never be able to perform such a task, she decides to control the procedures of the murdering of Duncan and this motivated Macbeth to murder Duncan and made him selfconfident to do so.

Motivation could affect people’s behavior in a positive and a negative way. People get motivated by speech and acts. Motivation affects people from the inside and outside.

I am sorry MOustafa. You have a leeway plagiarism of max 10% if lucky. Yet it seems that you plagiarized most if not all of you essay. Remember that plagiarism is a serious offence.

Omar Abdou Wednesday, October 28, 2009 Score 1/6 Comment [WU1]: Use third person here "one"

Comment [WU2]: Abrupt shift to third person. Comment [WU3]: Another shift to first person. Comment [WU4]: Then back again to third person

When you think of changing, many things come up to your mind. You may change in many ways, by your appearenceappearance or by your personality or by your way of thinking. The problem here is how to change toward the better without going into a risk.Ok, you stated a point of view here but not forcefully took a stand. You have slightly digressed from the prompt but nothing to be alarmed off. You, however, failed to convey the message you intend the reader to understand. This is partly because your sentence structure and word choice are not at their best Many of us may change toward the better because their there is an amount of money as a reward. After, recieving receiving the reward he return backas he was. A change must be from inside; by our own. All of our motivations must come from ourselves, because you are responsible for your behaviors and actions toward others. You must be a good leader with your friends and classmates. When they see you changed and took all the risks they will be motivated. After that risks you will rest. This paragraph is a weak one that attempts to give an example on your opinion, which you failed to pose appropriately. You paragraph lacks specificity, variety in sentence structures, and word choice. Finally, a change starts for youselfyourself, not from others. Try to be a leader to yourself, so people can be motivated. Appearence vs. Reality. You need to really improve your writing skills.

Rani Snih

Done on October 27, 2009

11-Violet The Motivation to Change Score 4/6

The motivation to change comes from the willingness of a person to improve. People alter their way of life because of their enthusiasm to become something better. Inspiration is contagious, and anyone of us is an agent of this nonhazardous infection. ( Great introduction. You stated your opinion clearly and effectively. Let's read if you supported your opinion well

Comment [WU1]: Notice how you used the pronouns you here and then shifted to the pronouns "one in the next paragraph.

Comment [WU2]: Overgeneralization. You are assuming too much on part of your reader.

Learning from what others did or what they do has been an obsession for people over the centuries. It is easier to do something that has already been completed by someone else, for it saves the trouble of confronting new difficulties. For instance, when you see that when your friend sleeps early at night he wakes up the day after and goes to work or school robustly, you might want to do the same to bring to an end the days in which you woke up in a lethargic manner.( Ok. There is insight marked in this paragraph, but lacks specificity. You gave me a scenario of a real example marked by ( when you see…) and what I really need is a specific example. Also, when one sees that he or she is different from someone else, he or sheone might try to improve to become better. Even more, encouragement from a supporter also stimulates a person to change; encouragement such as counseling or warning guides the listener to develop into what might be favorable to him. Most of us can recall the autobiography “Celebration of Grandfathers”, where Anaya is advised by his grandfather to be patient and understanding as well as other lessons in life.( What if the corrector does not know about the aforementioned autobiography? You should delve in details for this autobiography and mark the insight that you have for motivation)

People are the reason people change. From others, we can learn new ideas which we can apply in our lives and at work. Inspiration has done remarkable work to keep societies and even cities and empires trading ideas and learning from each other to accomplish what one unit cannot accomplish alone. ( Good conclusion, but somewhat universal whereas your evidence provided were bound by place.)

This is a good essay. However, you should be aware that the evidence you give should be specific and completely support your opinion. Well done

Riyad Ayad

Score Zero/6

You have plagiarized and you have a score of ZERO due to this. You have copied your whole essay from http://www.englishtest.net/forum/ftopic34142.html Please remember that plagiarism is serious offense and later in college you will be sanctioned for doing it ( read the definition of plagiarism here In life, people often face obstacles at one point or another, and most will find it a requirement to change in order to have better chances of overcoming the obstacle. Change also gives us a chance to obtain better results in such a scenario. In many aspects of our lives, the desire for success and survival is what motivates people to change in order to overcome these obstacles. Change is necessary if people want to seek a higher standard of living. By accepting change, people seek new methods to test or implement and new innovations can be made. Inventing new technology gives us more comfort in our lives. For instance, the Industrial Revolution allowed for development in transport via the steam-engine, increased production of goods and services with motorized factory operations. However, detractors argue that change does not necessarily benefit us. For instance the development of nuclear technology poses a security and possible environmental threat to many countries today. While this is true, we should look at the big picture. Although it is always a gamble of success or failure when we adopt change, if the effects of change are well thought-through beforehand, then the probability of change harming us instead of benefiting us will be smaller. In addition, people change also because by embracing change, they can experience different aspects of life in wider variety. For instance, instead of driving the same car for a decade, if one were to change his car every few yeaers, he gets various experiences from driving different cars. However, detractors argue that this form of change will lead to the unnecessary wastage of the Earth's limited resources, as well as using them up faster. While this is true, we cannot ignore the fact that the notion of variety adds flavor to our life. For instance, the thought of wearing the same clothes everyday for your whole life feels dull and boring. Also, although change does result in wastage, it does not necessarily lead to large amounts of wastage. People can engage in change but not lead to large amounts of wastage. By keeping in mind to conserve our limited resources, change need not be detrimental to the environment around us. In conclusion, change allows people to experience different results in the

activities that concern it. Change, if thought through carefully, is able to benefit us in our experiences in life.

Saad Huneidi

Wednesday, October 25, 2009

Score: 4/6 What Motivates People to Change? Comment [WU1]: Preferred to use third person than second person

Comment [WU2]: Error in parallelism 'because of pain or inspiration"

Comment [WU3]: 'As a result' is more adequate here.

Comment [WU4]: Error in tense sequence ( stick to the past tense)

Why do youdoes one want to change? Your motivation to change something about yourself may come from a variety of sources. People are motivated to change because of pain or being inspired to be a better person. It is not easy to leave the familiar. I would like to talk about my Uncle Salah and his motivation to change to have a healthy lifestyle. My uncle used to smoke two packets of cigarettes daily so, he suffered from lung cancer and heart diseases. In addition to that, he suffered from cholesterol diseases because of being obese. Since he is going to fast for thirty days about fourteen hours daily during Ramadan, he thought about quitting smoking and walking everyday. As the days passed, his motivation increased day by day. He arranged his time for walking and followed a certain diet to lose weight. My uncle was a bit concerned about going back to smoking after Ramadan but he didn’t because he got used to a certain routine. Finally, my uncle had recovered from his cancer and his cholesterol medical reports were positive. No matter what are the circumstances are, every person who is considering changing something about himself or herself has a reason that can reinforce and strengthen the resolve to change when change becomes difficult. I believe that you have improved your writing in comparison with your earlier writing task. I would , however, to point out some points that would inform your later writings.

Formatted: Bulleted + Level: 1 + Aligned at: 0.63 cm + Indent at: 1.27 cm

- Always vary your sentence structure depending on the ideas presented. - Use vocabulary i.e. vary your choice of words for more powerful word choice. - This is a good essay that presents a quite good real life specific evidence .

Talal Habbab Score 3/6

Comment [WU1]: revise

Comment [WU2]: revise the whole sent Comment [WU3]: This creates much ambiguity in your sentence, when used excessively.

Comment [WU4]: revise Comment [WU5]: ww Comment [WU6]: ? Comment [WU7]: Capitalized refers to the planet while the small letter refers to ground Comment [WU8]: wordy Comment [WU9]: ?

To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. What motivates people to change? I feel that anything that these people care about deeply and truly motivates them to change, be it a positive or negative change. Another thing that can motivate people to change is a large outside factor that devastated the way a large group of people thought. Made your opinion clear here, but you should look out for word choice and some errors in sentence structure that would make your message conveyed ambiguous. When I think about a reason why people get motivated to change, an image of a loved one pops into my head. Way back, maybe 10 years ago, when my cousin got accepted into McGill University it was something to be proud of in the family. But this acceptance turned out to be a double edged sword. It meant my aunt and uncle would have to move away, which also included my little cousin approximately my age. They had to change the life they had so gotten used to, which includedincluding their mindset, which was a bit strict at the time, but they did it because they were motivated to. The love they had for their son, and the pride they had in their hearts fed them the fuel to change the ways by which they lived by. A more insightful reflection might be your interpretation of this adjustment in their lives in terms of motivations to change, extrinsic and intrinsic. Another reason people change is due to a huge shock that occurred to them. A prime example of this is the 9/11 incident. Before, the whole world was ok and normal with the Arab world. After that incident, a type of racism and fear seemed to stem up from under their hearts n surround the world. The bombing not only motivated the people to change, it forced them to change into a racist paranoid race. It was as if a pandemic had struck the Eearth and changed everyone one by one. Motivation can sum up from anywhere and anything. Motivation to change can effect affect us dearly in our lives, n force us to change without us evenour realizing it. The truth is that we must allow it to change if it’s a positive change, or deny it if it’s a negative one. You could've done much better. Your examples are great but how you narrated them and how you should depth of critical thinking is not yet crystallized .