Ministry Magazine - Spouse Abuse

This is an article written by Rene’ Drumm and Gary Hopkins which has been accepted for publication in Ministry magazine. The information is directed to pastors but is helpful for any church member desiring to learn more about what the church can do to respond effectively to the problem of spouse abuse. Please consider passing this article on to your pastor or other church leaders.

“I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE”: IMPROVING PASTORAL RESPONSE TO VICTIMS OF SPOUSE ABUSE IN THE CHURCH By Rene’ Drumm and Gary Hopkins Spouse abuse is a major social problem all over the world.1 In their 2002 global review of research, the World Health Organization reports information from 48 population-based surveys showing rates of physical assault by an intimate partner (a spouse or live-in partner) ranging from 10% in Paraguay and the Philippines to 69% in Nicaragua.2 Studies examining community-based data note a similar range with a 12% prevalence rate in Mexico and 52% in Nicaragua.3 Researchers estimate that as many as 20% of couples in the United States experience intimate partner violence.4 Nearly 4.5 million incidents of violence towards women and 2.9 million incidents to men occur in the US every year.5 While these statistics reflect spouse abuse in “the world,” how do these figures compare to those in the Seventh-day Adventist Church? A recent study of domestic violence in the Adventist Church in a regional sample in the US6 and replicated in a community sample7 reveals rates similar to or in some cases greater than national samples. One factor that may compound the problem is a certain amount of denial among members of our church. The study reveals that about 46% of the respondents stated that they either did not know if domestic abuse was a serious problem in the Adventist church or they thought it was not a serious problem. In spite of the hidden nature of spouse abuse and a pervasive denial of its existence, how does the problem of abuse manifest itself among our members? The research study asked about the effects of abusive actions and we found that church members reported physical, emotional, and spiritual effects from spouse abuse. Church members indicated that abuse led them to distrust God (38%), took time away from personal devotions (69%), discouraged them from going to church (46%), kept them from giving of tithes and offerings (26%), held them back from their Christian witness (52%), decreased church activities (55%), and led them to feel betrayed by their church or pastor (28%). Considering the magnitude of the problem in the Adventist church in the US, the extensive denial of the problem among church members, and the wide-ranging spiritual effects of abuse, how can pastors hope to make a difference in moving their congregations toward healing and wholeness? In a follow-up to the 2006 study on spouse abuse among Adventists, we interviewed women who have been in an abusive relationship (while we realize that men can be abuse victims as well as women, the follow-up study 2

is starting with women survivors of abuse). The following suggestions come from the initial data analysis on how churches and pastors could be helpful in this difficult and delicate situation.

How to make a difference in your church How can you as a church leader or pastor make a big difference in the lives of hurting spouse abuse victim-survivors? PRA(Y)! That is: Prepare, Respond, and Act (Yes! You!). Prepare Preparation is an important key to being an effective first responder in the case of abuse. While it is not feasible or wise to take on the functions of spouse abuse professionals in your community, the pastor’s role is central in networking the victim-survivor to needed resources. Here are some steps to take that will help you prepare to be effective. a. Examine what the Bible has to say about violence and our responsibility to protect the vulnerable. There are several good books already in print dedicated to this topic. While the books referenced in the sidebar on resources will offer a more in-depth study, this quote from one key writer may be helpful as you get started: “The church has an obligation to stop abuse and to protect the victim (Matt. 18:15-17; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Thess. 3:15; 1 Tim. 5:20; Titus 3:2-11; James 5:19-20). Do we acknowledge that the Scriptures twice tell us that battering is an automatic disqualification from church leadership? Seldom does the word ‘batterer’ turn up in our English translations, but that is precisely what plektes means in 1 Timothy 3:3 and Titus 1:7. The individual must not be intemperate in the use of alcohol, greedy for gain, nor a batterer.”8 b. Become knowledgeable about the dynamics of abusive cycles. Abusive dynamics are complex and often confusing for people who have little experience with or have not studied about abuse. Questions arise such as, “How do people get trapped in these situations?” “Why do Christians abuse their partners?” “Why don’t women just leave?” Some good books are available to help pastors and church leaders learn about these dynamics and they are listed in the sidebar of this article. In addition, you may obtain accurate, helpful information from a variety of websites which are also listed and annotated in the sidebar. c. Be familiar with abuse resources in your community and in the church for both offenders and victims. In the US every state has an organization to combat spouse abuse. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence coordinates these organizational efforts. The website listing all US organizations is: http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html. Most other 3

countries around the globe also have specialized organizations to address spouse abuse. The Domestic Violence International Resources website address is: http://vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_intl.html and the International List of Domestic Violence and Abuse Agencies website is: http://www.hotpeachpages.net/. These organizations can lead you to the nearest spouse abuse services. Once you locate your nearest service provider, three steps can assist you in preparing to help victims in your congregation: (1) Call your local domestic violence organization. This may be a shelter or an advocacy office, (2) tell the organizational representative that you are interested in knowing more about their services, and (3) gather information that will help you when a referral is needed such as a crisis number and the organization’s procedures for getting assistance. It is also important for you to know that systems sometimes fail and services are not perfect. There may be difficulties along the way, but working with the local community is an important avenue in helping abuse victims. One woman recalled a female pastor pointing her to the YWCA abuse services, “Looking back, that one referral saved my life. If I had not gone to an organization that specialized in abuse, I would probably not be alive today.” Respond a. Take every victim’s accounts of abuse seriously. In our study of violence survivors, many victims’ accounts of abuse were discounted or straightforwardly disbelieved by the victim’s pastor or church leader. It is not safe to assume that because you know the spouse to be a credible person that complaints against him are just not possible. That attitude can create tough barriers for the abused person who already may feel that they have no other listener to go to than you. One woman shared the following story: “I went with a friend to see my pastor because I felt that I could confide in him a little bit. I told him, ‘Bobby is sexually abusing me and tying me up (with ropes) and I need help.’ And then he said, ‘I find this hard to believe. I have never seen any evidence of that in him. All the times I’ve ever been with him he never even said a curse word or anything, so it’s hard for me to believe’” (Karla).9 By not believing the victim of such cruel abuse, it left her despondent and suicidal. Only through the grace of God did she finally escape her abuser. b. Place the responsibility for the abuse squarely on the abuser. It is of utmost importance to recognize that the abuser is responsible for the abuse in a relationship, not the victim. It is never appropriate to blame the victim for causing the abuse, for not protecting herself, or for not leaving. One survivor in our study confided, “The pastor would occasionally come and visit me while Dennis was gone. One time he said, ‘It’s not all that bad. You know things could get better.’ And then he wanted to know if 4

there was anything I could do to make the situation better and I was really frustrated” (Janet). Another woman recalled, “The pastor left a note on my door telling me that he had been to visit my husband (in the hospital as a result of a car accident) and that my husband had told him that the whole marriage problem was that I was letting the children watch too much television. The pastor told me that he was sure I would find a way for the children to watch less television and then things would be fine. Here I was with bruises from head to toe from this man trying to strangle me and he complains of too much TV. The pastor never called, never came and talked to me, never asked me my side of what was going on. I just needed to not let the kids watch so much television” (Cheryl). c. Reassure the victim that they do not deserve abuse. It is important for church leaders and pastors to know that abuse victims try a multitude of things to “keep the peace” and attempt to keep abuse from happening prior to reaching out for any type of help. Women have been beaten for serving mayonnaise instead of salad dressing, for wearing a red dress instead of a black one, for not noticing when a button needed to be sewn on a shirt. Changing the victim’s behavior will not change the abuser’s behavior. The abuser must change his behavior. When one woman decided to leave her abuser, her husband called the pastor that married them. The abusive husband cried to the pastor pretending to be baffled as to why his wife would leave. The pastor talked to the woman on the phone. This is the woman’s account of their conversation: “This famous, beloved pastor, instead of listening to what I was telling him about John’s abusive and cruel behavior, questioned me about the possibility of me having an affair! I couldn’t even spend $3.00 for needed personal supplies without my husband’s permission and here the pastor was stuck on the issue of ‘Are you sure you’re not having an affair?’ Having an affair was not even within the realm of possibility. It would have meant so much to me to have him say, ‘You do not deserve to be treated like this,’ instead of accusing me of having an affair” (Kendra). d. Honor the decision of the victim to stay or to leave. Safety is the primary consideration in working with a person in a domestic violence situation. While the pastoral role typically includes working hard to keep marriages together, keeping people safe must be the first objective. It has been said that a person cannot minister to a deceased victim. Insisting on keeping the family together may be deadly. Conversely, it may be clear to you that the best interest of the family is served by separation. You may not understand why the woman stays and feel like “giving up” on her. Abused women typically leave several times and return to the relationship before leaving permanently. Keep this in mind as something to expect. It is extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship. 5

Act a. Condemn abuse of any type from the pulpit. It may be helpful to run everything you say from the pulpit through a grid that will reveal any possible misunderstandings that might come into the mind of a victim or abuser as they listen. For example, one woman wrote, “A visiting speaker preached at our church on what he called ‘God’s honor guard.’ The gist of his sermon seemed to be that if you are suffering, it is because God knows you can take it and be an example of His power to endure and overcome. That makes you part of God’s honor guard. It would seem that the visitor had not considered that abuse victims might be in the congregation. Nothing was said to call to account those professing Christians in the congregation who are inflicting the suffering through their abuse, behavior that is incompatible with the Christian faith.” b. Be proactive by developing an abuse team—a support system for people in abusive situations. The abuse team functions to raise awareness of and provide information about how to combat abuse, and creates proactive opportunities to help abuse survivors. There are many practical ways that church members can help each other in times of crisis. These include providing safe, no-cost child care; supplying groceries or meals; offering transportation to appointments; helping to pay for medical care, utility costs, or rent; sending notes of encouragement; calling to check on the family; and knowing referral resources. It is important to develop referral sources in advance. Don’t wait until the time of the complaint of the abused person to go searching for referral options. These situations demand immediate attention in order to protect the abused from more abuse and even possible severe injury or death. c. Designate funds for abuse survivors. Having a line item in the church budget designated for caring for abuse survivors is one way to ensure that help will be available when needed. To offer tangible help in times of crisis helps fulfill the gospel challenge, “Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these, you did it to Me” (Matt. 25:40 NIV). (Yes! You!) God is love (1 John 4:8) and the fellowship of His Son—the Church—into which He calls us must be characterized by love. “Love does no harm to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10 NIV). “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another” (Rom 13:8 KJV). As we contemplate these words, it is helpful to think about the possibility of a church that fully reflects a God who is love. In his book, The Abuse of Power: A Theological Problem, James Poling writes, “A loving community is sensitive to the potential abuse of power and is careful to provide protection for its most vulnerable members. The discussion about whether or not abuse of power exists in a community cannot depend on the perception or honesty of the powerful because the powerful tend to justify 6

themselves at the expense of others. Those who are vulnerable must be given authority to testify about their perceptions of abuse of power”.10 Our research is an attempt within our faith community to give a voice to the vulnerable and to reveal truth. A loving community who would be like the God who is love will cherish truth and engage in actions of justice. SIDEBAR ON RESOURCES Websites for Domestic Violence Resources Domestic Violence and Religion http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/religion_and_dv.htm This site offers tips for members of all faiths dealing with women claiming they are victims of domestic violence. It presents a lot of very good advice that is general enough to be helpful to individuals of any religious faith, as well as a list of DOs and DON’Ts. Office on Violence Against Women http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/ This is a government-based site that offers a number of resources, as well a list of government organizations in each state, to help victims of domestic violence. Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault – How Can Faith Communities Help End Domestic Violence? http://www.vtnetwork.org/faith_and_dv.html This site deals with how members of a faith community can help to buoy each other up and provide a support network. It also offers other links to access for extended information. Faith Trust Institute http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/ This site is geared to domestic violence victims of almost every religion. The site offers many books and tapes to buy, materials in Spanish, and many articles that are connected by links. Domestic Violence Project, Inc. http://www.domesticviolenceproj.org/ This site that has many links to offer help for specific issues such as domestic violence and children, stalking, and legal help. Faith and Domestic Violence http://www.peoples-law.org/domviol/religion/dv_religion_resources.htm This site discusses domestic violence in an Islamic, Jewish, and Christian context. It also provides resources for all three religions. City of Renton Domestic Violence Information http://rentonwa.gov/living/default.aspx?id=1448

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This site, although developed from a specific city, offers a lot of general guidelines for clergy of all faiths in dealing with domestic violence. Books on Faith and Domestic Violence http://www.peoples-law.org/domviol/faith_reading/dv_faith_book.htm This site offers many books, as well as some videos, dealing with the issue of domestic violence. The books are organized according to the type of faith to which they are written to apply and includes an extensive list of books and other resources for religious leaders. Multicultural Perspectives of Domestic Violence in the U.S. http://www.lib.jjay.cuny.edu/research/DomesticViolence/iv.html This site offers books for many different religious groups including Muslim and those of the Hindu faith. What is the Christian answer to domestic violence? http://www.gotquestions.org/domestic-violence.html This site provides a Biblical perspective into the issue of domestic violence and specifically answers the question: What is the Christian response to domestic violence? The Silent Epidemic http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2004/005/11.68.html Countless Christian women are battered every day. This site provides the story of one woman who was in a domestic violence situation. She went to her pastor for advice, but he was unequipped to deal with such situations. This site provides ways to respond if you or someone you love is abused. It also answers many commonly asked questions about domestic violence. A Christian Response to Domestic Violence http://www.anglicantas.org.au/bishop/jh20040429domviolence.html This site is an address by Bishop John Harrower given in 2004. He discusses the issue of domestic violence in the context of the church, as well as some of the church’s biggest errors in dealing – or not dealing – with the issue. This site seems more geared for those looking to help victims of domestic violence rather than actually being geared for the victims themselves. Christian Recovery International http://www.christianrecovery.com/ This site offers numerous resources for those recovering from addiction, abuse, or trauma. Christian Counseling, Self-help, and Support http://psalm121.ca/counsel.html

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This site offers a number of links regarding Christian counselors and consultants, professional resources, etc. There are quite a few links and all are Christian-based. What Every Congregation Needs to Know about Domestic Violence: Information for Clergy, Members of Congregations, Battered Women's Programs, and Human Service Providers http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/faith/faith.html This site offers a series of common questions and answers. At the end, it offers some additional resources which can be contacted in the case of domestic violence. This information looks as if it was originally created to be passed out as a handout at a church or church-sponsored meeting. Christian Internet Ministry http://christianteens.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=christia nteens&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.christianministry.org%2Fac.htm This site offers counseling and advice to all who need it through e-mail. They do put a disclaimer at the beginning of the page admitting their own limitations. Faith Trust Institute – Family Violence and Religion: An Interfaith Resource Guide http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/index.php?p=Family_Violence_and_Religion &s=122 This site offers a product that holds the following description: “An exceptional resource for clergy and community professionals to understand family violence and respond appropriately. Includes: background information on domestic violence; guidelines for pastoral counseling to battered women; theological perspectives; discussion of elder abuse and specific articles on domestic violence in AfricanAmerican, Asian-American, and Hispanic-American communities.”

Books on Domestic Violence Books Addressing the Cycle of Violence Walker, Lenore E. The Battered Woman Syndrome. New York: Springer Publishing Company, 2000. First published in 1984, in its second edition, this book features information on the impact of exposure to violence on children, marital rape, child abuse, personality characteristics of different types of batterers, psychotherapy models for batterers and their victims, and more. Crowell, Nancy A., and Ann W. Burgess. Understanding Violence Against Women. Washington, DC: National Academy Press, 1996. 9

This book explores the incidence, prevalence, and scope of domestic violence and sexual assault in America and their consequences; factors that put people at risk of violence and that precipitate violence; what interventions are designed to do, whom they are reaching, and how to reach the majority of victims who do not seek help; and how best to structure the study of violence against women. Books Addressing Religion and Spouse Abuse Kroeger, Catherine Clark, and James R. Beck, eds. Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or to Heal. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1996. Kroeger, Catherine Clark, and Nancy Nason-Clark. No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2001. This book is a helpful tool for an abused woman who finds herself in an abusive relationship but feels trapped due to traditional teachings on marriage and family. What does God say about it? It will show her how clearly the Lord is vehemently opposed to abuse and what she can do about it. This book is invaluable in the hands of leaders in the church and lay people who find themselves face to face with abuse, whether it be a friend, relative, or church member. Nason-Clark, Nancy. The Battered Wife: How Christians Confront Family Violence. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997. This book focuses on how churches and secular organizations have responded to victims of violence in their midst and how their response could be more effective. By exploring the relationship between violence and Christians' response to it from various perspectives those of victim, clergy, congregation - this book ultimately encourages a pastoral assistance that reduces violence in the world and helps victims find their inner strength. Poling, James Newton. The Abuse of Power: A Theological Problem. Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1991.

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1Mary Ellsberg, Rodolfo Peña, Andrés Herrera, Jerker Liljestrand, and Anna Winkvist, “Candies in Hell: Women's Experiences of Violence in Nicaragua,” Social Science & Medicine 51, no. 11 (2000): 1595-1610; N. Deyessa, M. Kassaye, B. Demeke, and N. Taffa, “Magnitude, Type and Outcomes of Physical Violence against Married Women in Butajira, Southern Ethiopia,” Ethiopian Medical Journal 36, no. 2 (1998): 83-92; Barbara Krahé, Steffen Bieneck, and Ingrid Möller, “Understanding Gender and Intimate Partner Violence from an International Perspective,” Sex Roles 52, no. 11/12 (2005): 807-827. 2Etienne G. Krug, Linda L. Dahlberg, James A. Mercy, Anthony B. Zwi, and Rafael Lozano, World Report on Violence and Health (Geneva: World Health Organization, 2002). 3Krahé, Bieneck, and Möller, “Understanding Gender and Intimate Partner Violence from an International Perspective.” 807-827. 4John Schafer, Raul Caetano, and Catherine L. Clark, “Rates of Intimate Partner Violence in the United States,” American Journal of Public Health 88, no. 11 (1998): 1702-1704. 5Patricia Tjaden and Nancy Thoennes, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Research Report: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey (Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice/Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2000). 6René D. Drumm, Duane C. McBride, Gary Hopkins, Jerry Thayer, Marciana Popescu, and Jan Wrenn, “Intimate Partner Violence in a Conservative Christian Denomination: Prevalence and Types,” Social Work & Christianity 33, no. 3 (2006): 233-251. 7Marciana Popescu, Sharon Gillespie, René D. Drumm, Duane C. McBride, and Jan Wrenn, “Domestic Violence and Faith Communities: The Impact of Spirituality on Women of Faith in Abusive Relationships” (paper presented at the American Public Health Association 133rd Annual Meeting, Philadelphia, 2005). 8Catherine Clark Kroeger and James R. Beck, eds., Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or to Heal (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1996). 9All names used are pseudonyms. 10James Newton Poling, The Abuse of Power: A Theological Problem (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1991).