Marriage Guide

Council for The Just Marriage Author: compiled by Abu Khaliyl (http://qss.org/Library/fiqh/justmarriage.html) "O you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah, taqwaa that is His right, and do not die except as Muslims." (Soorat Aal 'Imraan 3:102) "O people! Have taqwaa of your Lord who created you from one soul, and created from that its mate, spreading from them many men and women. And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights and [revere] the womb. Indeed Allaah is ever-watchful." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:1) "O you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah and speak the truth, He will make your deeds righteous and forgive your sins. And whoever obeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has achieved the mighty victory." (Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:70-71) Indeed the best Speech is the Book of Allaah, and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (S) who said: All of you are entrusted and all of you are entrusted with your people... (AlBukhaaree) Advice to Men The Prophet (S) said: The best of you are those of best conduct. (Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others.) And he (S) described some of the attributes of that good conduct: The best of you are those who are best to their women. (Ibn Maajah; authentic) And: The best of you are those who are best to his family. (At-Tabaraanee; authentic) And he (S) gave a clear example of a person who has good conduct: The best of you are those who are best to his family, and I am the best of you toward my family. (At-Tahaawee, at-Tirmithee and others; authentic. See alAlbaanee's Aadaab az-Zafaaf) Anas (R) narrated that he (S) told the camel driver who pushed the camels carrying his wives: Drive slowly for you are driving mounts which carry vessels of glass. Abu Qibaalah [who narrated this from Anas] said: "Allaah's Messenger (S) uttered words that if someone among you had uttered them, you would have found fault with him." (Muslim) Allaah reminds us: "And live with them honorably... " (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:19) The Prophet (S) was a man who, "Used to work for his family and when he heard the adhaan he would go out." (AlBukhaaree from 'Aa'ishah) Allaah (T) praised his (S) character: "Surely yours is the highest standard of character." (Soorat al-Qalam 68:4)

'Aa'ishah (R) said that; "He would mend his clothes, milk his sheep, and do what a man does in his home." (Ahmad and others, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. #4812) Jaabir (R) said: "It never happened that Allaah's Messenger (S) was asked for anything and he said, 'No'." (Muslim) Anas (R) said: "I have never seen anyone more kind to his family than Allaah's Messenger..." (Muslim) The Messenger (S) said: He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him. (Muslim) And He (S) was a man who "...never hit anyone with his hand, not a women, nor a servant, except during jihaad in Allaah's cause..." (Muslim from 'Aa'ishah [R]) Allaah (T) said (what means): "Indeed in Allaah's Messenger there is a good example for he who has hope in Allaah and the Last Day and remembers Allaah much." (Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:21) The Prophet (S) clearly admonished men: ...And have taqwaa of Allaah with regard to your treatment of women. Indeed you have acquired them through a trust with Allaah, and intercourse has been made lawful to you by Allaah's Word...You are responsible for providing them with food and clothing in a fitting manner... (Muslim) He (S) clarified this point for those whom it may not be clear, when he was asked: "O Allaah's Messenger! what is the right of ones' wife upon him?" That you feed her when you feed yourself; that you clothe her when you clothe yourself; that you should not strike her in her face; and never invoke ugliness upon her ; and not separate from them except in their homes. (Al-Bukhaaree and others) The Prophet (S) warned of a women's right being infringed upon due to excess in religious devotion: Observe fast sometimes, and leave them at others; stand for the night prayer, and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, and your wife has a right over you. (Al-Bukhaaree) And the Prophet (S); "Forbade that a man should come (unexpectedly) to his wife like a night visitor doubting her fidelity and spying into her lapses." (Muslim) And he (S) clarified the sanctity of the marriage: The condition most deserving to be fulfilled is that by which the private parts

became lawful to you. (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim) Remember the command of Allaah (T): "And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights." (Soorat anNisaa' 4:1) The Prophet (S) also commanded: I command you to take care of the women in a good manner for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked. So I command you to take care of women in the best manner. (Al-Bukhaaree) Allaah (T) said (what means): "And do not forget graciousness between yourselves." (Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237) The Prophet (S) advised men: A woman is married for four things; Her her her and

wealth; family status; beauty; her religion.

So marry the religious woman, or you will lose. (Al-Bukhaaree) He (S) clarified that this kind of woman is among the best wealth that a man could find. When he (S) was asked; "What kind of wealth should one seek?" He (S) replied: Let one of you seek a thankful heart, a mindful tongue and a believing wife who can help him in the matter of the Hereafter. " (Ibn Maajah; authentic and similar with at-Tirmithee) And Allaah (T) said (what means): "...And be patient with them..." (Soorat Taha 20:125) And the Prophet (S) clearly warned these men: I have not left, after me, any affliction more harmful to men than women. (AlBukhaaree) Allaah (T) warns: "Truly among your wives and your children there are enemies for you." (Soorat atTaghaabun 64:14) And Allaah (T) decided that: "Men are maintainers of women. " (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34) And the Prophet (S) warned a person who had a position over others; Beware of the curse of the oppressed, for there is no screen between his supplication and Allaah. (Al-Bukhaaree)

And: The oppressed ones' supplication is answered even if he is a sinner; for he is himself responsible for his sins. (At-Tayaalisee. Authentic, see Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3377) And: Three supplications are answered, there is no doubt in it:...and the supplication of the wronged person. (Ahmad, al-Bukhaaree in al-Aadaab, at-Tirmithee, and Abu Daawood, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3028) And the Prophet (S) commanded the Muslims to: Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed. Some People asked; "O Allaah's Messenger! It is alright to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (S) said, By preventing him from oppressing others. (Al-Bukhaaree) And he (S) listed to help the oppressed as one of the rights a Muslim has upon every other Muslim. (Al-Bukhaaree) And Ibn `Umar (R) narrated that he (S) said: Oppression will be a darkness on the Day of Resurrection. (Al-Bukhaaree) He (S) let an abusive person know that he may carry the sins of his victim of the Day of Resurrection: Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation, or anything else, he should beg for his forgiveness before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no wealth. But if he has good deeds those good deeds will be taken from him according to the oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded upon him. (Al-Bukhaaree) And Allaah (T) said (what means): "And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights." (Soorat anNisaa' 4:1) Advice to Women Allaah (T) clarified the characteristics of a good woman: "...So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allaah has guarded..." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34) When a woman came to consult the Messenger of Allaah (S) he said to her: You there, are you married? She said "Yes" He said, How are you toward your husband? She said, "I do not fall short in anything except that which I am unable to do." The Prophet (S) said, Well, look after your position in relation to him, for it is the key to Paradise and Hell. (At-Tabaraanee, Ibn Maajah, authentic. See al-Albaanee's Aadaab az-Zafaaf) And he (S) said:

By the One in whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman has fulfilled her obligations to her Lord until she has fulfilled her obligations to her husband even if he were to ask her for herself when she is mounted in the saddle, she would not refuse his request. (Ibn Maajah, Ahmad and others, authentic. See alAlbaanee's Aadaab az-Zafaaf) And he (S) said: When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire, she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven. (at-Tirmithee; authentic.) And he (S) said, The condition most deserving to be fulfilled is that by which the private parts became lawful to you. (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim) And he (S) said: It is not allowed for a woman to fast while her husband is present except by his permission and to permit anyone to enter his house except by his permission. (Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim, Abu Daawood, and at-Tirmithee) And: If a man invited his wife to bed and she refused to come and he slept while angry, the angels curse her until morning comes. (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim) And: If any woman asks her husband to divorce her without a reason, Allaah will prohibit her the smell of Paradise. (Ahmad, Abu Daawood and others, authentic.) And: If the woman prayed her five (prayers), fasted her month (Ramadhaan), protected her private areas, and obeyed her husband, she will enterParadise. (Ahmad and others; authentic see as-Saheehah no. 674) He (S) said: ...And the wife is entrusted, and she is entrusted with her house.... (AlBukhaaree and Muslim) Ali (R) said: "Fatimah went to the Prophet complaining about the bad effect of the stone handmill on her hand. She had heard that the Prophet (S) had received a few servant girls. But she could not find him. So she mentioned her problem to 'Aa'ishah..." Later the Prophet (S) answered Fatimah (R); Shall I direct you to something better than what you have requested? When you go to bed say, SubhannAllaah thirty-three times, al-hamdu li 'Llaah thirty-three times, and Allaahu Akbar thirty four times. That is better for you than a servant. (Al-Bukhaaree [See the M. Khan English translation, #274 V.7]) And if the husband fears a rebellious attitude on the part of his wife, than His

Lord has told him to: "...Admonish them.." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34) And beware of arguing with the husband because the Prophet (S) said: The most hated person according to Allaah is the most quarrelsome person. (AlBukhaaree) When the Prophet (S) was asked who the best kind of woman was he answered: She is the one who pleases him if he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and does not differ with him in what he hates, either regarding himself or his wealth. (An-Nasaa'ee and al-Bayhaqee. Hasan; see Mishkaat) If the husband still fears rebelliousness on the part of his wife, then our Lord has told him to: "...Separate from their beds..." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34) So the Prophet (S) separated himself from his wives for twenty-nine days. (AlBukhaaree) Allaah (T) reminds us: "Indeed in Allaah's Messenger there is a good example for he who has hope in Allaah and the Last Day and remembers Allaah much." (Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:21) If the husband still fears rebelliousness on the part of his wife, then Allaah the Truthful has told him to: "...Beat them..." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34) But the Prophet (S) has warned him, None of you should beat his wife as he beats his slave and then have sexual intercourse with her in the later part of the day. (Al-Bukhaaree) And he (S): "...never hit anyone with his hand, not a women, nor a servant, except during jihaad in Allaah's cause..." (Muslim from 'Aa'ishah [R]) So be mindful of Allaah's saying: "And do not forget graciousness between yourselves." (Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237) On the occasion in which the Prophet (S) stayed away from his wives for twentynine days, after admonishing them, Allaah revealed the following aayaah: "O Prophet! Say to your wives; If you desire the life of this world and its glitter -then come! I will make a provision for you and set you free in a handsome manner." (Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:28) They desired to remain married to him, may Allaah be pleased with them.

Advice for Living Together with Graciousness Do not forget Allaah's warning: "And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights." (Soorat anNisaa' 4:1) And his (T) reminder: "And do not forget graciousness between yourselves." (Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237) Living with each other honorably and with graciousness also means that neither the husband or wife should take unfair advantage of their rights, and that they should not abuse each other through their distinctive qualities. Men are stronger than women, and a man can easily oppress his wife if he is a person of poor character. Women are jealous and may be ungrateful as the Prophet (S) said: Then I saw the Fire, and I have never before seen such a horrible sight as that, and I saw that the majority of its dwellers were women. Some People asked, "O Messenger of Allaah! What is the reason for that?" He replied, "Because of their ungratefulness (kufr). " They asked: "Because they disbelieve in Allaah?" He (S) replied: "They are ungrateful to their husbands and ungrateful for the favors done to them. Even if you do good to one of them all of your life, when she sees some harshness from you, she will say, 'I have never seen any good from you'." (Al-Bukhaaree) A woman may easily say what he (S) has quoted them saying. So if a man is disobeyed by his wife, then he should admonish her as Allaah (T) prescribed, and the Prophet (S) demonstrated. Should she say after seeing that harshness from him, "I have never seen any good from you", as above, she has fallen into the category of women described in last hadeeth. If a husband is abusive of his wife, and he seeks refuge in the hadeeths which demand her obedience, or the texts that allow him to discipline her, but his treatment of her is not discipline, rather abuse, then he is indeed an oppressor and what we have mentioned regarding oppressors applies to him. The marriage partners must also realize, that living toward mutual goodness means that they do not initiate evil between each other. Often people will do a thing that they know to be permissible, but that act causes their partner to do something forbidden because of the qualities that we mentioned above. This is similar to saying - If I hit you, I should expect you to hit me back - even if my hitting you in this case is lawful! But clearer texts follow; the Prophet (S) said: It is one of the greatest sins that a man should curse his parents. It was asked, "How does a man curse his parents?" The Prophet (S) said, The man abuses the father of another man and the latter abuses the father of the former and his mother. (Al-Bukhaaree)

He (S) did not say, "It is one of the greatest sins that a man should curse another mans' parents." Because that is general. Allaah curses the disbelievers, and the Prophet (S) has allowed the poets to make fun of the ancestors of the pagans provided that they avoid making fun of the ancestors of righteous people. But in the above hadeeth, he (S) condemned a permissible act which leads to a forbidden one, and it is forbidden because it is one of the majors sins as he (S) stated. Allaah (T) said (what means): "And do not insult those whom they call upon besides Allaah, for they may insult Allaah wrongfully without knowledge. Thus We have made fair-seeming to each people its own doings; then to their Lord is their return and He shall inform them of all that they used to do." (Soorat al-An'aam 6:108) But surely Allaah (T) and His Messenger (S) curse Shaytaan and his allies! Though Allaah makes it clear in the aayaah above: Since they may insult Allaah as a result, then do not... When the Prophet (S) intended to rebuild the Ka'ba upon its original foundation, he did not do so because of his fear of retaliation from the Quraysh on that matter, he (S) said: "O 'Aa'ishah! If it were not that your people were close to their era, [Ibn azZubayr said: of disbelief] I would have dismantled the Ka'ba and made two doors in it; one for an entrance and the other for an exit." (Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others.) Similarly, whether it is a statement, or an action, even though it is permissible in itself, if it may lead to an evil being committed by another person, then the initiator of the original act may suffer some of the consequences, either in this life or the Hereafter. In such a case what is the benefit of the deed? This shows how selfish some people may be. They actually believe that if they do a "permissible" deed - while they know that it will cause others to do evil - that they are not the initiators of that evil after it has occurred! One says, "I have no control over them, they are obliged to not do evil!". But he has forgotten that he is obliged to enjoin good! Through this method of spiteful self righteousness he has caused an evil to occur. We must remember that Allaah (T) commanded us: "And live with them honorably..." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:19) So it is imperative that people do not always exact their due from each other, especially when doing so may lead to more trouble than the benefit gained. Indeed Allaah (T) said (what means): "And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame if they arrange an amicable settlement between them both; and settlement is better..." (Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:128) And the Prophet (S): People are different grades just as silver and gold are. The best of them in jahiliyah are the best of them in Islam - provided that they gain understanding

[of the religion]. Souls are enlisted for their mission. Those of them which recognize each other will be in harmony, and those which disapprove of each other will be in conflict. (Muslim) If the marriage contains one or two of the lesser qualities of people, and injustice, disobedience and oppression remain, then divorce is an avenue to restore justice in Islam. For not every man is abusive, and not every woman is disobedient! With this understanding, then both a man and a woman can take what Allaah (T) has given by the tongue and example of His Messenger (S) and justice will reside among them.

Respected Sheikh I have question about my wife which is hyper angry. She abuses, insults me and my parents. We have five kids aging from 18 to 4. She does not like to be advised, and she claims to understand Islam better than all and she also claims that whatever she does is according to islamic teaching. She can't bare any comments about her attitude. In this situation what should I do to save my family? Zafar M. Mohammadi