Main Prem Ki Diwaani Hoon

An epic of cliches THERE IS THIS small town named, by someone with an eye for the original, Sunder Nagar. It has a glorious beach where the sun sets in impossible colors; foaming rivers for when you want to ride the rapids; and snow-covered mountains if skiing is your thing. All within 15 minutes of each other. The only snag is transportation. This is the Hotel California of airports, where planes land from all corners of the compass - only, none of them ever fly out. So if you want to go to Delhi so the story can move forward in your absence, you have to take an ancient train. But let's not crib - the quality of life is so good, here, that you can be a small-time publisher of unknown authors, and yet afford to live in an enormous manor, with a farmhouse across the hedge. This house contains a family that gives Dumb And Dumber a bad name. There's this elder daughter who lives in the U.S. and knows this gorgeous bachelor who is richer than Bill Gates and who, coincidentally, is planning to set up a company in Sunder Nagar. So she shoots off this email to her father. Papa (Pankaj Kapoor) goes around the house yelling 'Pooja ki email aayi hai!' Thomas Watson never made half the fuss when he heard his boss Alexander Graham Bell's voice over the telephone, that first ever time. The family - and dog - gathers around the computer and learns Prem-babu is expected next week and Pooja has fixed up for him to stay with the family so he and her younger sister can get together. Then Pooja, the dimwit, goes off on holiday, omitting to intimate papa dearest that the plan has changed and someone else is coming instead. Papa goes to the airport and picks up Prem-babu - who is actually Prem-babu but not the Prem-babu, if you know what I mean. No? Join the gang. The wife (Himani Shivpuri) wants to land a rich hubby for her younger daughter and will do all she can to bring that about, even if it means caricaturing every stupid mother ever seen onscreen. The center of all this fuss is younger daughter Sanjana (Kareena Kapoor) gutsy, liberated enough to don revealing clothes and shake her fanny in her parents' faces while singing a song dissing her mom's notion of finding the perfect match. She isn't having any of this arranged marriage business, see; at least not until her four friends, whose collective IQ is slightly lower than room temperature, have verified Prem-presumptive has all the essential qualities of a modern male - like feet free from hair. Once that is done, love happens - on Valentine's Day, of course. But it's too early for the happy ending. So Pooja dashes off another email to say hey, Prem-babu had to go to Japan so he couldn't make it, he is now

landing two days later. You know these business magnates - constantly going off somewhere else, and not having their secretary inform those concerned about changed plans. Husband looks aghast at wife, wife looks accusingly at husband, both look at the heavens and ask who is this Prem? The mother is having none of this romantic nonsense - the Prem-babu (Abhishek Bachchan) who is arriving is the actual maalik of the company, so he is the suitable boy; the Prem-babu already in situ (Hrithik Roshan) is merely a naukar in said company, hence thoroughly unsuitable. So there you have the problem: there is a Prem who is not the real Prem but it is the Prem Sanjana really loves; and there is a Prem who is the real Prem but not the Prem she really loves. You're with me so far, right? The real Prem meanwhile falls in love with Sanjana because she makes him ride a bicycle. Sanjana - this volatile version of modern womanhood - can't bear the thought; she signals her abhorrence by singing the real Prem's favorite poem! And then looks shocked when he proposes marriage - like she can't believe how he misunderstood her feelings. And so it goes on. For three-and-a-half hours, while you wonder why either of the Prems would want such a silly twit anyways. The storyline would have seemed dated in the seventies; today, it will find no takers if you were giving it away for free. There is good music (Anu Malik) - only there is too much of it; the film could have done with four songs less. That brings up the performances. Director Sooraj Barjatya had three hits in Maine Pyaar Kiya, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and Hum Saath Saath Hain; all three had Salman Khan playing the lead character - perhaps that is why the director makes Hrithik Roshan act like Khan; much to the detriment of the film. Kareena Kapoor is saddled with a badly etched character; this is heightened by the actress's penchant for overacting. Talent scouts looking to cast the central character in a ham sandwich, look no further. Bachchan - whose role calls for him to be sober and restrained - comes across nicely. Until he finds love - when he becomes a goof, but thankfully not a loud goof. That, and a reasonably restrained turn by Pankaj Kapoor, are the only grace notes of this film. CREDITS Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan, Himani Shivpuri, Pankaj Kapoor Producer: Rajshri Productions

Director: Sooraj R. Barjatya Music: Anu Malik Article copyright India Abroad Publications, Inc. Published in India Abroad, 0711-2003