Jacqueline The Giant Killer

JACQUELINE THE GIANT KILLER

Jacqueline Snider It was a brilliant plan. I almost rid Europe of them and all the special needs they come packaged with, if it wasn’t for the French. My own country and its forces betrayed me after all I did for them and the rest of Europe. So I devised my cunning plan to eliminate them all from the gene pool. But of course, I couldn’t do the dirty work myself… Dear loyal hit men, I assign you the task of locating and murdering every giant in all of Europe. Work your way from East to West and help me rid the gigantism gene from Europe’s gene pool… Pierre Karè of BIGA I was watching the television one moonless night when a newsflash appeared with a UEIF (United Europe Intelligence Force) officer desperately appealing to anybody who knew anything about a series of giant murders. There usually aren’t too many murders that the UEIF are clueless about, so this was scary news for me. I phoned my average-sized mother and gigantic father who lived on the other side of France, in Lille. My father was also watching the newsflash, so he knew. Then, I logged onto Window’s Messenger to chat with some of my friends from BIGA (Big International Giants’ Association) to see if they knew: Mr.Tiny says: hi Pierre Pierre on the peer says: hey were u just watching that channel 4 newsflash? there’ve been several giant murders (no pun intended). did u no? Supersize Me says: omg, really? O_o no, i didnt c the newsflash Mr.Tiny says: yeah, i saw it.. its so sad… did u no any of ‘em Pierre on the peer says: not so far, i hope i dont find out l8r Mr.Tiny says: at least none’ve happened in france Supersize Me says: yeah… …yet… Pierre on the peer says: spread the news dudes and put a flower in front of your nickname in honour of the guys who’ve died yeah Supersize Me says: pierre, whats daddy long leg’s number again? …and that’s when I heard a ruffling noise behind me, and then BOOM!...I was a gonna…

© Sarah Don, Australia, 2007

Supersize Me says: pierre? r u there? …? Officer Oliver Dunpôt of UEIF I arrived at work one morning to be briefed with my fellow colleagues about a series of murders specifically pertaining to people with gigantism in several countries around Europe. That day was like most other days at the station; writing up reports, studying evidence, interviewing suspects and people who think they saw something suspicious. Every few hours we heard about another murder – sometimes several murders simultaneously. But it seemed as though nobody saw anything. We soon realised that we were dealing with something big – definitely more than one killer. After about three days with almost no sleep and many croissants, we received a phone call from one Frenchman with gigantism. He had been clobbered over the head but had awoken several hours later with the presence of mind to make a telephone call to the police. Officer: Hello? What’s your emergency? Caller: I was knocked unconscious by somebody who hit me over the head with something. A plank of wood maybe… I only just woke up. It’s been a while, I think… Officer: Ok, medical services are on their way. Did you see the person’s face? Caller: No, but it was definitely a man… We were soon hot on their trail…

Jacqueline Snider One of my stupid hit men didn’t finish the job properly and his victim woke up only hours later to call the police. Now I was on the run. I loaded the car with the essentials and drove to my holiday cabin in the Swiss Alps. When I stopped at a gas station on the way, I saw on the news that this hit man (the one the screwed up my plan) had been arrested by the police. They showed footage of this ape-like man in a suit that was too small for his muscles, being dragged by police with a look of defeat painted across his face. He was an embarrassment to my plans and my brilliant mind that created them. The next day I heard a knock at the door… Officer Oliver Dunpôt of UEIF The hit man we arrested gave up Snider’s mobile phone number, so we were able to track her whereabouts by GPS. We caught up with her at her holiday cabin in the Swiss Alps and arrested her without too much of a struggle. Snider possessed a look of defeat yet held a smirk as she limply let the arresting officer handcuff her and lead her into the UEIF van.

© Sarah Don, Australia, 2007

Regrettably it took a few more days and several more murders before we found all the offending hit men. Fortunately, it was only a couple more weeks after that before they went to trial. Court Proceedings: 3rd May 1998 Prosecutor: UEIF officer Oliver Dunpôt Defendant: Jacqueline Snider Judge: Monty Verdun UEIF officer: Madame Snider is responsible for the planning, organisation and execution of this genocide. Snider, what do you have against giants? Snider: They’re deformed and ugly… Judge: That’s enough. UEIF officer: Giants are an important to society as anybody else. They help shorter people reach the items on the top shelves at the supermarket and can change light bulbs without a ladder… Snider: Don’t you get it?! I was doing all of Europe a favour! I was spring cleaning Europe’s gene pool! UEIF officer: Your honour, this woman is clearly crazy and should be locked away for good. I rest my case. There was a sudden buzz as the room stirred with astonishment and agreement. Many victims’ families were hugging with furrowed eyebrows as they anxiously waited for the verdict to be read. Several security guards were stationed very close to Jacqueline as they anticipated a violent reaction. Spokes person of the jury: We find the defendant, Madame Jacqueline Snider, guilty of premeditated murder in the third degree. Judge: Due to the government encouraging creative sentencing because our jails are overflowing with criminals, Jacqueline Snider will serve a life sentence house bound, without the freedom to use electronic technology, and will be required to take excessive amounts of growth hormones. But unfortunately, I can’t see any alternative to sentencing every one of Snider’s hit men to a life sentence in a high security prison. This court is adjourned.

© Sarah Don, Australia, 2007