Issue 24

Photo of Mr Blobby going for his breakfast

A Word from Our Leader We’ve completed a third of the year, which has flown by, we have now completed the stock transfer of Class B Engineering Bricks to Waingroves but sales have slumped down to their normal figures which coupled with the credit crunch has meant the spaces have been quickly filled. We have had Keith Sawyer trained as a “Dust Mask fitting technician” and when his kit arrives he will move along amongst you fitting unsuspecting individuals with dust masks, if anyone has any really large noses or strange shaped heads he will be able to accommodate them with his new training. If Keith Sawyer does approach you asking to fit a dust mask please cooperate with his requests fully so that we may get the operation completed quickly and efficiently. I am sure God will be with him on this most difficult of tasks and I wish him the very best of luck. Production levels have been kept above budget even with the dreaded Creams being made, on 1of8

which I would like to thank the Auger lads Terry, Billy (who aint got his bike haha) Sean, Nick and Bob who executed the changeovers like a Formula one team. The mechanical staff (now henceforth known as the St Tropaz Trio) have nearly completed the second installation of the drier fans so hopefully we should soon see the benefit. This is an excellent quality installation well done lads. Quality and Health & Safety continue to improve but again we need to be vigilant. All in all a good month clawing back some of the lost production from the kiln crash, but let’s keep the momentum going. One last thing could everyone out there please ensure that any residual half days are used by the end of May

INTERVIEW WITH NEIL CHAMBERLAIN I was born in May 1958 in Thorpe near Wakefield and I started at Swillington in 1986 when I had long hair dark like Madonna in her Ray Of Light era. I started working down where the bottom garage is sorting bricks, them days were happy and carefree for me, working away whistling to

Madonna’s True Blue song which dominated the airwaves. My current duties now include a Forklift truck driver, Blender operator, De-hacker operator and really everybody’s dogsbody.

I think for me it all changed when Madonna eleased that Erotica album and that naughty book, or you mean here at Swillington, well yes it was about the same year and Marshalls had taken over, I remember there being loads of redundancies, not good times at all they were. Before I started here prior to 1986 I worked a whole variety of jobs, I was once a Painter and Decorator, I worked in a warehouse and then as a van driver, I was also one of the boys from the black stuff. {At this point we wondered what he means with the term “Boys From The Black Stuff” was he coal miner or a member of a pop band with that name, or does he mean something to do with oil} My best memories of the 22 years at Swillington have been each month when I get paid and my worst were being made redundant in 1992 and also being hit by a falling rubber door! 2of8

I think my best mate here has got to be Bob “Rolfie” Smilie aka Mr Perfect with his new teeth, and as I write this the person nearest to me is William Hill who always look forward to getting there hands on my money. In the early days my foreman was Eric Naylor but now its Darren Bell who I suppose aint that bad for a Rhinos supporter, in fact I think the thing I dislike most about my foreman is the fact that he is a Rhinos supporter. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would be off like a shot to become a full time Gambler and before you ask I don’t believe there is a life after death. My nickname is Claude Greengrass because when I don’t have a shower and a shave according to Don “Blade” Fox I look like him, I am also sometimes referred to has “Charlie”. Music, well as you may have guessed I adore Madonna, her new single “Four Minutes” is now as we speak firmly entrenched at No1 and I have all her back catalogue of seven inch vinyl singles and Picture discs. I also like that song which went “who the f*ck is Alice”, as well as The Beach Boys and the Monkees. My hobbies are Gambling i.e. winning on the horses at William Hill, being a avid supporter of Castleford Tigers who are of course always winning and being a part time alcoholic. I am not married and have no children that I am aware of. Any other comments err, Don Fox is always talking about his war stories but has he ever been on a submarine? Has he starred in “The Hunt for Red October”? I will be glad when the warmer weather is here so Don can go watch [Castleford Tigers] and not just let his wife go on her own, he can give me some sweets if I see him. Well I guess that’s all from me, by the time this is printed [Castleford Tigers] will be in the next round of the Challenge Cup. Well to round off this interview I asked a few of the lads what they thought of Neil Chamberlain, I have tried to protect there Identities using pseudonyms… Blade says, “He once bought 2 packets of spice I nearly had a heart attack, he is the richest man in Thorpe you know, I hear that he is courting but I

don’t know what they call him, he is best mates with Gary Rubber” The Man who usually has a Pod on says, “He sponsors Blackpool donkeys for £10 per week” Gandalf says “He is dead isn’t he, oh I thought you said Neville Chamberlain, who is he then? Oh yes he’s a grand feller, only one who is on the machine that is awake” A Man who wishes to remain anonymous and is nick named after a very populous country says “He likes to go to Ibiza and San Francisco with Alec, he needs to learn to run faster, I mean I got out of the way” I had a few more comments but they were either illegible or unprintable!

WORD FROM DANIEL LUND Well, well, well, where do I start? Where did I end last time? It’s a couple of month since I last wrote a column in the famous “Jungle Telegraph”, since then a lot has happened, I will start with Gary “Nose” Smiths birthday which a few of us went out celebrating, we started and finished in Swillington but on our rounds we called at Garforth. Just for the record I would like to say I did not want to upset Andrew and Robert so I let them win at Pool. There was not many sober heads left at the end of the night although I think I handled the alcohol the best, has anyone heard about the Cider Spider? Me and the smith brothers along with a few of the Swillington regulars enjoyed a trip to the wagon driver err Wurzel Gummages’ Pub in Otley accompanied by the ever joking Tommo 3of8

brothers. It was a very good night apart from the Smith boys on the karaoke which was when it got a bit out of hand. Mad Mick recently followed big Micks footsteps (THEY ARE BIG FOOTSTEPS) to the wrong pump at the petrol station, what a set of wallys (I wish I could really put what I meant). It ended up costing Mad Mick £253 not to mention the wasted fuel to get his car repaired again… HA HA He hasn’t had a good month has Mad Mick, he got a right bollocking for his april fools trick on the manager, haha, well done Mick same again next year! Mysterious sh*t keeps popping up in the water hole in the showers, although only the Robinson twins have seen it. Do we believe them? Or have they been watching too many Stephen King movies. Billy is still waiting for his bike, it will be 3 years old when he gets it! Daz wont go to Craftsman cues either because he is sh*t scarred of the bloke who works over there and finally we have received quite a few complaints just lately. The new coffee machines installed don’t do pop or fruit flavoured drinks which was for many the only drink they dare consume from the old machines. Well I guess till next time its over and out from me.

GOSSIP So what happened in April, well it was my 39th birthday and “The Jungle Telegraphs” 2nd birthday with this issue, also Gary “Rubber”

Robinson had a sore throat which he reckons was a result of having swallowed a spider. I managed to put £5 worth of Petrol in my car I have affectionately named Christine while my mum was nattering on at me in the supermarket car park, I then filled her up to the top with diesel, diluting the petrol to around 7%. Christine drove fine back down to my house but upon reading of horror stories on the internet I phoned the RAC motability advise line who said I needed to get the tank flushed and should not drive or even start the engine again until its been in the garage. After spending £253 not to mention the wasted fuel which Nak said someone at the garage will have used for there car I was told by everyone I could of got away with it and it was simply a way of garages making more money by scarring its customers. Oswald Cobblepot has started losing some weight, he has so far had a haircut and lost a hip, no I’m only kidding, really the wobbling walrus

has had a temporary injection and transformed into turboman because they are decorating the radiology department at the hospital. It is rumoured that when we eventually get the new plant 4of8

Oswald Cobblepot is to be equipped with a

Golfing Buggy as well as a new hip and a chip implant The finger which used to pop up in the plughole of the staff toilets and has been witnessed by Mick Brayford on many occasions hasn’t been seen for some time, some reckon it could be with the warmer weather coming, but others notably Daniel reckon it could of moved to the water hole of the men’s showers and started haunting there. When asked about Lee who is next on the interviewee list for the May Issue of The Jungle Telegraph, Nak our old agony aunt said, “hes not the brightest bulb in the box is young lee, now we got an idiot both ends of the factory”. The collection has been round for the Grand National and the winners were as follows; 1) Neil “Claud Greengrass” Chamberlain 2) Graham “Gezzler” Hunter 3) Sean “The Beast” Ruecroft 4) Jeff “Turkey” Shaw It was reported that when doing the draws round the factory Dave “Gandalf” Zinnis got even as far as putting his hand in his pocket and asking how much before he decided against it after he found out it cost a whole pound. We have finished taking all the bricks down to Waingroves, well there is actually one load outstanding but we have taken 966,144 in total, which has given a temporary relief to our stockyard overcrowding, we are now looking round for other places to stack bricks, someone joked there was plenty of room on the moon.

Just recently Robert “Mr Blobby” Jolley and Daniel “Anakin” Lund challenged the Smith brothers to a game of golf and the winner of the respective match got to take home the opponents vehicle be it the old van or the proton. Anakin was teeing off with a ladies tee and Mr Blobby could reach the ladies tee according to Andy Smith who added that Mr Blobby has no idea about the rules and needs to speak to Darren “Father” Bell. Gary Smith who has been recently having problems getting a sofa into his house and a carpet that had a line on it reckoned they were cheated but Anakin says that it was the Smiths who cheated and they now owe them the proton… The case continues. Meanwhile Father Bells Queue selling e-bay business continues to go from strength to strength certain members of the despatch team are considering start charging him a handling fee

Three Peaks Walk On Sunday (4th May) we are once again doing our 3 Yorkshire Peaks walk which is according to the events organiser Dennis 26 miles long and covers the peaks of Pen-y-ghent, Wernside and Inglebrough. David “Gandalf” Zinis definitely is not coming this year although Nick “Twinkletoes” Hunter might do just one peak, Ian “Gollam” Ball, Lee “Riddion” Ruecroft and Dennis “Victor Meldrew” Fox promise to do all three Sean and Billy will be driving the bus which is a place to retreat to if someone collapses. Amongst my crew, there is me, Mad Mick, my 13 year old son, Luke and his 11 year old brother Ben (who thinks he is setting a record as the youngest ever) as well as their Uncle Craig and I promise an illustrated DVD of the event along with a full sensible write up of our adventure. 5of8

I have £50 of sponsorship this year with N-man and his good lady, Stumpy, Wurzel Gummage, Keith Chicken, Trevor from Archers, Harry Potter and Blackbird who have sponsored me, of course all my sponsors will receive a DVD as evidence of the walks completion, last year we managed 10 ½ hours

HOW TO GET RID OF TELESALES PEOPLE Telesales people, they call at the most in opportune times - when you’re eating, sleeping, relaxing, or just sitting around doing nothing (yea even then it’s annoying). In the even you have a little time on your hands and want to really ensure they don’t call back (let’s face it, the National Do Not Call List only goes so far)… here is the Jungle Telegraph top 10 list for getting rid of a telemarketer…  Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all “No’s” This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could do with it. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”  If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my hip is acting up again, my arse is sore, my pet budgie just died…” When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist - ask them why they don’t care.  If the person says he’s Oswald Cobblepot from the Amway Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.  This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services….You: “Hang

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on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?” If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” If that doesn’t work, say “Please.” Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example: Telemarketer: “This is Oswald From Amway Sales.” You: “Amway Sales, hey I work for them too! Which centre are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Leeds, West Yorkshire.” You: “Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.” Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give a toss who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate. Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (Smiling, of course…)

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STATISTICS

Sales For 2007 vs. Sales For 2008 Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

2.00 1.80 1.60 1.40 1.20 1.00 0.80 0.60 0.40 0.20 0.00 January

February

Sales 2007

Month January February March April Total *Not included

March

April

Sales 2008

Sold 07 1,426,828 1,562,274 1,799,462 1,691,391 6,479,955

Sold 08 1,032,078 1,363,931 1,244,571 1,614,903 5,255,483

Tran To WG*

414336 561024 975,360

I have subtracted out the 975,360 Class B Engineers that were transferred to Waingroves and the Sales of every month this year have been lower than the corresponding month in 2007.

Wagon Drivers Chart For April

Wurzel Jumps straight in there at No1 this week shifting 133,948 bricks out of our yard. Wurzel who owns a very popular pub which is visited regularly by the Smith brothers was originally known as Shadrack however he agreed to sponsor me for the three peaks walk provided I changed his name. Many of the drivers have been complaining bitterly about the cost of diesel and having a diesel car myself I too am finding it increasingly difficult to afford to come to work.

Kindly though our boss Mr Lardner has said if things get any worse I can stay in the hotel room with him and commute in his car. ▲ ▼ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ >> >> ▼ >> ▲ ▼

2 1 6 48 61 8 NE NE 4 NE 85 10

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Apr-08 Name Wurzel Stumpy Alan Titsmarsh D&A Hotpot Dino Archers Jerramy Rudge Jason Rudge Harry Potter Greyhound Trevor Archers Ian Archers

Top 20 For Apr 2008 Last mth

Total 133,948 116,765 83,513 73,728 69,528 68,352 65,972 65,204 60,282 39,224 36,688 36,384

> > ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▼ ▲

I also must welcome Hotpot who seems to have replaced “Tim the Terapin” as our main driver from Lord Dunnet. Week Com 24/03/200 8 31/03/200 8 07/04/200 8 14/04/200 8 21/04/200 8

Produced 270,336 441,216 449,664 447,888 452,452

Sold 193,58 4 338,89 2 388,28 8 403,01 6 353,28 8

Trans 259,22 8 258,04 8 285,32 0 76,800

1 2 4 5 16 20 11 9 3 17

pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name 73 Class B 73 City Mlti 65 Cream WC 65 City Mlti 65 Selected 65 Swale WC 73 Farmhse Brwn 65 Golden Brwn 65 Man Red 73 Golden Brwn

Quantity 816,768 241,536 86,332 78,196 75,752 75,048 68,352 62,828 61,472 56,832

On our top selling bricks chart, “Selected Bricks” climb into the top ten again, this week at No5.

Stock 18,184,252 18,028,528 17,808,200 17,779,344 17,879,968

With the transfers to Waingroves we have seen our Stock levels fall back below 18 million however on the last week in the chart the stock level is once again starting to climb. 2008 Position 1 2 3 4 5

Week No 15 14 16 10 13 2007

Quantity 673,629 596,941 479,819 477,601 452,813

Wk Com 06-Apr 30-Mar 13-Apr 02-Mar 23-Mar

Position 1 2 3 4 5

Week No 21 17 9 32 10

Quantity 551,666 477,559 458,913 452,622 450,297

Wk Com 20-May 22-Apr 25-Feb 05-Aug 04-Mar

In fact with the transfers we have easily broken our weekly record with the second week of April 7of8

taking a record breaking 673,629 bricks from our yard, a record I should imagine which will stay intact for quite a while to come.

Above you can see a picture of Swillington Management team, from left to right we have Mr Brayford, Steve “Oswald” Todd, our leader Mr Lardner and of course our superstud and ebay director Mr Darren Bell.

Of course I cannot forget to include the above picky! Next Issue “The 3 Peaks Special”

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