Issue 11

APOLOGIES FROM MR Brayford & Mr Lardner

Both Mr Lardner and Mr Brayford apologise but Mr Lardner is on holiday in China and cannot write a list of instructions for this weeks newsletter and Mr Brayford is very busy writing Risk Assessments [ ].

STEVE TODDS SECRET JEDI ACADEMY – DANIELS INITIATION

Today I came into work as usual after driving the 22 ½ miles on the busiest stretch of the 1of6

motorway in the country and was surprised to hear voices coming from Mr Lardners office. Now I knew Mr Lardner (or Uncle Mick as he is now more affectionately known round these parts) was away on holiday in America seeing his daughter and building igloos so I knew it couldn’t be him in there. Anyway I continued my morning routine, first logging into my aging PC then bringing up menu 446 on the early 80s AS400 system we still use to see what deliveries were due in and was as usual disappointed by what I saw on the old green phosphor window. Then I went to make a cup of tea and could still hear voices in the other room – the voice sounded a bit like the bloke we all call by a whole variety of names and at the moment seems to be not only addicted to alcohol but also Blue Black spray, sadly no one has founded a group called Blue-Black spray Anonymous so is problem is still untreated. Upon making my tea I decided to put my chair by the door and drink my tea while having a little nosy at the training which is apparently compulsory to all new recruits of the lost world who work in physically demanding jobs. Inside the door Jedi Master Steve Todd tossed a metal bar into the air, in an instant the new recruit I called Daniel Lumb ignited a long glowing rod with a handle and swung frantically at the bar. But he was not fast enough, and the bar fell untouched to the carpeted floor of Uncle Micks posh office with a thud. Daniel Lumb then collapsed clearly completely overwhelmed with exhaustion on to the carpet. “I cant” he moaned “Just too tired” As I sat by the door I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, I must be dreaming I though this simply cannot be happening but there was more. Steve Todd, who showed absolutely no sympathy, retorted “It would be in seven pieces if you were a Jedi, and you must pass these tests if you are to work here” I was interrupted at this point with one of my regular drivers coming into the foyer near my window to collect his load of bricks, it was The Grumpy Lumberjack from the Mushroom farm.

I must of looked more dazed than normal because he actually asked me if I was feeling okay but obviously I didn’t dare share with him what I was witnessing in Uncle Micks office, I quickly printed out his tickets and went back to my place behind the spyglass in the door. Now Daniel Lumb was balanced rather awkwardly on his head and Steve Todd was precariously positioned on one of the souls of his feet, in one of his hands Steve had some sort of wooden stick. With a gentle tap from the stick which seemed to signal to the young lad to continue with his next trick since he slowly with a lot of concentration moved one hand from the floor of the office. His body did waver slightly with the huge weight shift (especially considering Steve Todd must weigh over 15 stone!) but the boy kept his balance and with further concentration started to lift a ream of UKOS A4 photocopier paper into the air. At this point Steve Todds mobile phone went off which was perched on the desk nearby and this seemed to distract Daniel since he collapsed along with the ream of paper while Steve Todd jumped majestically clear. “You big long f*cking Gormless Git” exclaimed Steve Todd more like the way I am used to him, “You need to learn control!”, he then answered his mobile, events given to me by Pinky and Perky our two forklift guys were only revealed to me later today about what happened next. Apparently Don Fox had managed to get his digger stuck in the quarry and with all the rain we have been having just lately (yes and still there is a hosepipe ban!?) the digger had sunk in the soft mud and in desperation Don had phoned Steve, Swillingtons secret Jedi Master to get it out since he had never been much good at Jedi Mind tricks himself. Now it seems was a golden opportunity for Steve Todd to give our new recruit Daniel a chance to test his new training and see its relevance to the real world with regards to Health and Safety. The account below has been signed by both Pinky and Perky and countersigned by Badger (who I am assured is a very trustworthy 2of6

character) and goes on to describe what happened at the Quarry. The last I personally saw of the new recruit and Steve was when they both exited Uncle Mick’s office after I had made a hasty retreat back to my desk Standing at the waters edge on the Quarry Daniel saw all but the bucket and the top of the exhaust of Bills big digger, “Oh no!” moaned Daniel, “We’ll never get it out now”. Steve Todd stamped his foot in irritation at Daniel’s remark. “So sure are you?” Steve scolded “Tried have you? Always with you it can be done. Hear you nothing that I say” his huge round face puckered with a furious scowl. Daniel Lumb glanced at Steve then looked doubtfully back at the sunken digger. “Master Steve” he said sceptically, “lifting reams of UKOS A4 paper is one thing but this is a little different” Steve was really angry now, “No! No different!” he shouted. “The differences are in your mind. Throw them out! No longer of use are they to you”. Daniel it seems trusted Steve at this point. If Master Steve said it could be done, then maybe he should give it a try. He looked at the drowned digger and readied himself for maximum concentration. “Okay”, he said at last, “I’ll give it a try”. Again Daniel had spoken the wrong words. “No,” Steve said impatiently. “Try not. DO. Do, Or do not. There is no try”. Daniel closed his eyes and reached out his hands palms down (the way Jedi’s do). He tried to envision the contours, the shape, to feel the weight of Dons old digger. And he concentrated on movement it would make in the murky waters. As he concentrated he began to hear the waters churn and gurgle, and then begin to bubble with the emerging noise of the diggers bucket. And it hovered there for a moment, and then sank back beneath the surface with a loud splash. Daniel Lumb was drained and according to the eyewitness accounts he had to gasp for breath. “I cant”, he said dejectedly. “Its too big”.

“Size has no meaning,” Steve Todd insisted. “It matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?” Of course the last statement was a little out of place from a guy who regularly has Fish and Chips four times in one helping and this is washed down by unheard of quantities of Blue Black Spray and weighs in at well over 20 stones. The poor lad clearly chastened just shook his head. “And well you shouldn’t.” Steve advised “"For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter,” he said as he pinched Daniel’s skin. Steve made a grand sweeping gesture to indicate the vastness of the universe about him and by this point not only Daniel was stood at the quarry but there was also Badger, Gary and Andy, Nak, Mick Brayford , even Darren and Sue had come out of the store cupboard to see what all the fuss was about. Of course I obtained all this merely as hearsay and cannot fully support it only has a third persons account but it is safe to say that what took place at the quarry was the ultimate example of avoiding excessive stain on ones vertebrae… “Yes Everywhere” Steve Todd continued, ignoring the growing crowd. “waiting to be felt and used. Yes, even between the land and the digger!” Then Steve turned and looked at the quarry and placed out his hand before him and has he did the water began to swirl. Slowly from the gently bubbling waters the bucket of the digger appeared again. Daniel gasped in astonishment as did many members of the crowd as the digger gracefully rose from its watery tomb and moved majestically towards a area of dry land. As cheers of clapping came from the onlookers Daniel vowed to never again use the word impossible, it was a sight that barely anyone with the exception of possibly Mick Brayford could believe – since it is apparently rumoured that 3of6

Mick has even greater secret abilities which he likes to keep to himself Clearly though Daniel was humbled by the feat he had just witnessed and approached Steve in awe. “I…” he began dazzled “I don’t believe it” “That”. Steve stated emphatically. "Is why you fail” According to a whole host of eye witnesses at the scene Daniel clearly bewildered shook his head and wondered if he would ever rise to such nonchalant heights as a employee of the Lost World.

ONE YEAR LATER… INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL

Hi I am Daniel and I started here at Swillington about 365 days ago, i.e. 1 year ago for those that can count, I went through my initiation with Steve Todd and so I soon became accustomed to the whole range of diverse characters here. During the year a few things have changed but most things have remained the same for example… “The Flee” is still a sandwich short of a picnic, the barriers are down, the lights are flashing but the train just ain’t coming. “Rico” is still possessed by an evil sausage and “Nak” is still the town crier only he doesn’t have a bell. Around Swillington there are three forms of communication which are by telephone or telegram but the third is telling Nak. “The Chuckle Brothers” (that is Andy and Gaz) well there eyes seem to be getting worse as they seem to drop more and more packs every week but that’s nothing compared to “Dazzla” man, he just needs to retake his test all together, he still denies everything but the wall will get rebuilt. One of the best memories I have during the last twelve months was when I lost the cream egg challenge to Andy Smith, he did ten to my three in the space of ten minutes but sadly my gob aint half the size of his. When I was a little kid I used to see Mr Todd (aka Pie Eater / Piggy) in the butchers regularly chomping on a huge steak pie with his eyes popping out, but I did not know the general. I don’t know much about Life after death, at the moment I am enjoying myself too much here at

Butlins but if I wake up dead Ill send you all a letter. As for nicknames, well I do know that me and Jolley are called “Laurel & Hardy” but that one is not really that good there are loads of better ones out there like “Teletubby” and the one everyone calls you er “Roy Cropper”. Oh and don’t forget to mention Elmo, Mr Grumpy and Dangerous or is it Desperate? My favourite music or singer is definitely not the Swillington Choir as I am well aware they cannot sing in the shower that is why we have been supplied with ear defenders but on a serious note my favourite group is Chumbawamba. My hobbies include football, music and egging old women, I still live at home cos its cheaper than moving out and no I am not married with seven kids. There are a few more things I would like to say, first to Mr Todd, I do not want to join Amway, I have no intention of ever joining Amway so you might as well and go and preach to someone else. Also I would like to mention that there have been a few mysterious things happening as of late like for example £20 notes appearing out of nowhere and magazines just disappearing. Finally you have got to visit Mad Micks web site at www.madmickstories.com it is a real eye opener!

STATS FOR MARCH Last mth █ 1 █ 2 ▲ 9 ▲ 5 NEW █ 6 NEW NEW

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Top 15 For Mar 2007 pos Name 1 73 Class B Hanson 2 73 City Multi 3 65 Manchester 4 65 Cream Smth 5 65 Ryedale Drag 6 65 Swaledale Drag 7 65 Red Mix Rustic 8 73 Farmhse Brwn

Quantity 243810 187776 145092 106220 77060 60372 52432 50304

▲ ▼ ▲ ▲ ▼ ▲ ▼

11 8 12 13 3 15 10

9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Week Com 19/02/2007 26/02/2007 05/03/2007 12/03/2007 19/03/2007 Position 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

65 Victorian Smth 65 City Multi 65 Golden Brown 73 Victorian 73 Class B Jewson 73 Golden Brown 65 Ridings Multi

Produced 432,076 452,904 422,620 450,500 451,584

Sold 360,276 458,910 450,292 417,280 361,520

Name Keith Chicken Caveman Stumpy Buddy Holly Ken & Barbie Archers Bruce Forcyth Piggys Friend Greyhound Jackie Khan

47008 44924 44748 43008 39168 30336 26668

Stock 15,552,400 15,546,394 15,529,118 15,568,482 15,666,560 Total 76873 74196 73429 51864 46456 39864 31009 29196 19860 19612

Ever since I started here on despatch in September 2005 we have never sold more than we produced but this month we did for two consecutive weeks highlighted in yellow. I have also included a table for the total bricks taken by our most regular Wincanton drivers using the names that I know them by.

10 THOUGHTS FOR 2007

10 Life is sexually transmitted. 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 5- Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

criticism. 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you £50 and a substantial tax cut saves you 50 p? 2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: 1 - We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain ...But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. We should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.......

MR ToDD’s NEW BUSINESS

News has just reached me that Mr Todd has now joined a huge network marketing company called Amway. He claims that he will soon be so rich from this new business that he will be able to retire. I myself don’t know much about this “business” he keeps talking about and promoting so I am not going to comment safe to say I wish him the best of luck but don’t intend to participate myself. If anyone else wants to know more details Mr Todd as asked me to tell you to contact him and he may come to your house with all his best bib and tucker on with his easel, briefcase and whiteboard and show you the Amway business plan.

HEALTH & SAFETY BY M BRAYFORD Our company takes health and safety very seriously. Policies are in place to ensure that all our employees spend more time ensuring the health and safety of themselves and others than they actually spend doing the job for which their health and safety needs to be ensured. This is in order to comply with the

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Health and Safety Act 1974. All employees are expected to ensure that they are safe and healthy enough to do their job at all times, provided that this does not endanger their own health and safety, or that of others, in which cases the standard health and safety policy must be adhered to. Employees are expected to read the health and safety policy at the start of each shift but only after a senior member of staff has first carried out a full risk assessment in order to determine whether it is safe for the employee to do so. If it is decided that the employee’s health and safety would be put at risk by him or her reading the health and safety policy, the senior member of staff on duty must read the policy to the employee in a safe and healthy environment that has been deemed as such by a senior member of staff, who has himself read the policy, and is also senior to the senior member of staff who is to read the policy to the employee. If such a senior staff is unavailable - for instance in the case of their having to attend emergency health and safety training at head office - the health and safety policy must be pinned to the notice board with sterilised pins, on a board that has been fitted to the wall securely and in such a way as to be in accordance with the health and safety policy that is to be pinned to it. In turn, the member of staff pinning the policy to the board must have read the policy already, particularly section 117,854 “Pinning the health and safety policy to the health and safety board in accordance with the health and safety policy”, in order to be authorised to do so. Once the policy has been pinned to the board, staff must not under any circumstances read it, unless they have read it before, as standing in offices or corridors reading noticeboards is a violation of health and safety policy, since anyone reading a noticeboard cannot also and at the same time be actively ensuring that doing so does not put at risk the health and safety of others. It is therefore the responsibility of every employee to have read the health and safety policy in order that they may be authorised to read it.

THE ATHEIST An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene

froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

THE PSYCHIC GIRL

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this God bless Mommy, God BlessDaddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Oh my gosh", thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his 6of6

watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

MARRIAGE

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."