Int. Tube Station, London: Midnight The Sound Of A Tube

INT. TUBE STATION, LONDON: MIDNIGHT The sound of a tube train echoes and rumbles through the white tiled tunnels that lead to the platform. The wind created by the train in the tunnel, picks up a takeaway curry bag and dances it down the tunnel, Coen Brothers style. The bag eventually gets wrapped round the black boot of A TRANSPORT POLICEMAN (43), a fat man whose neatly trimmed moustache says “I have absolutely no sense of humour.” Transport Policeman picks up the carrier bag and strides with it towards a bin at the bottom of the escalators. AT THE BIN: Transport Policeman deposits the carrier bag in the bin looks up, only to see a piece of pasted, paper graffiti, directly under the “NO SMOKING” sign - it’s a life sized picture of Fat Transport Policeman, smoking a cigarette but, with a massive cock sticking out of his trousers that travels the entire length of the wall and round the corner. Transport Policeman follows it around the corner. TITLE SEQUENCE: In the distance we hear a Ukelele Orchestra busking “Down in a Tube Station at Midnight - by the Jam” Transport Policeman follows the graffiti along the wall of the tunnel - above and below it, at regular intervals are the credits as Banksy style, stencil graffiti - with graphics. Transport Policeman follows the graffiti around another corner - In the tunnel ahead of him the eight members of UKELELE ORCHESTRA, in dinner jackets, on camping stools, busking in the tunnel - a flat cap on the floor in front of them. Transport Policeman follows the graffiti cock along the wall to the Ukelele Orchestra of UK where it does a 90 degree turn down the wall onto the floor - it goes round the outside of the Ukelele Orchestra of UK, round their hat - over the toe of the last member and then back up the wall and round the corner, onto the platform. ON THE PLATFORM: Transport Policeman follows the graffiti round the corner pops his head out onto the platform.

2. At the far end of the platform, with his back to us, PAUL (32), a scruffy, Hackney squatter type, with awesome Zapatta moustache, dressed in retro, Oasis style Parka, battered messenger bag over his shoulder and a Casio Elim Pro camera a camera, which is pointed at FONT (36), a leery Londoner with a taste for Adidas sportswear, sliver rings and pork pie hats - in Font’s hand the last paper panel of the massive cock, a bell-end with a clown’s face! Both Paul and Font are smoking cigarettes! Font shifts his Eastman rucksack into a more comfortable position and then coats the large paper knob-end in SprayMount. FONT Get a shot of the Humphrey going on, then we’ll... Font flicks a glances up - sees the Transport Policeman without a moments hesitation he throws him a massive grins. What?

PAUL

FONT (to the Transport Policeman) Nearly done mate... Font shoots Transport Policeman the thumbs up. Paul turns his head - sees the Transport Policeman stood at the other end of the platform, who is transfixed, like a bunny in the head lights. Paul turns his head back - pulls “Oh, Shit!” face to Font, who just keeps grinning at Transport Policeman. FONT (CONTD) (CONT’D) (to Transport Policeman) Just got to stick Ripley’s Revenge on and then we’re done... Font carefully and precisely places the bell-end piece on the end of the enormous graffiti cock. He steps back and admires his work. FONT (CONTD) (CONT’D) (to Paul) Photo! Shakily Paul lines up the shot and takes a photo of the end piece. TRANSPORT POLICEMAN Oi.. You two! You can’t... er... smoke down here!