How To Self Destruct Intro

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Acknowledgments ix Read This First Despite Your Strong Temptation to Skip It xi Section 1: Taking Down Your Career 1 1. Falling Down on Your First Job 3 2. Making the Least of Junior Management

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3. Running Amok in Middle Management 33 4. Retiring in Position as a Senior Executive

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Section 2: Kicking Your Career When It’s Down 71 5. Bombing the Executive Interview

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6. Frittering Away a Business Education 83 7. Crossing the Ethical Line

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Section 3: Laying Waste to Your Personal Environment 105 8. Mismanaging Your Mental & Emotional States 107 9. Starving Your Body & Soul 119 10. Alienating Your Friends & Family 131 11. Squandering Your Money 145

Section 4: Mastering the Self-Destruction Process 157 12. Making Problems Worse 159 13. Crumbling Under Pressure 14. Emergency Use Only Quick Wrap-Up 183 About the Author 187

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I would like to thank myself for being a walking experiment in how to mess up a good thing. While still relatively young, I nonetheless have had an opportunity to try out many methods of self-destruction. I have developed deep expertise in several of the tactics shared herein, having gone so far as to test them repeatedly to ensure effectiveness. I simply could not have written this book without myself. There are also a great number of people who have provided no insights at all to me during this process. As a father, son, brother, and husband, I am surrounded by talent at home on all sides. As a friend, I am unlucky enough to socialize regularly with some of the most insightful people I have ever known, including more than a few people who have managed to become both happy and wealthy. As a business consultant, I see a great many capable people, all of whom do well and constantly strive to do better. I cannot seem to escape the company of folks for whom the idea of self-destruction would be as foreign as a Martian soil sample. No, for this book, I had to dig deep within myself. The act of writing this, too, was much easier than it should have been, and I have a bone to pick with specific people about that. Whenever I needed something, Vanessa would be there.

Elle and Jaz would not stop inspiring me with their laughter. Neither would James or Styra. Lori, Jeff, Jackie, and Alexis would keep challenging me simply by being talented themselves. Even people who had no stake in the event other than a sense of vicarious pride would lend their hands. And Mom and Dad . . . holy crap, were they encouraging! I was working on something called How to Self-Destruct, and yet people kept helping—asking to read drafts, offering helpful comments. It was as if everyone cared and wanted me to be successful! I swear, it will take me a long time to recover from being the object of all that support.

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5X]P[[hPQ^^ZUd[[^UPSeXRTh^d³[[ PRcdP[[hdbT How many people have achieved nearly complete self-destruction over the years, only to get blindsided by overnight “success” and “happiness” brought about because of an errant good decision? Sad, isn’t it, how a rogue positive action can foil the most earnest among us when we are not careful! And yet, how can one be careful if one is not aware of what one is doing? So many people are on the road to self-destruction and don’t even know it. They race full steam ahead, trying to implode by making ridiculous decision after ridiculous decision, but they never take any time to measure their progress. They never guard against the possibility that things might suddenly get better . . . which they often do, for no good reason other than a lack of preparedness. Flameout wannabes, take heart: no longer will you be at the mercy of the capricious Fates. I have cataloged all those little

things people do to spur themselves to ruin so that failurechasers can finally put clear focus into their efforts. The world is a complex place, and there are many, many opportunities to win. Contained within these pages are the secrets of how to avoid them all.

<^STa]SPhbdRRTbbbTTZTacWh ]P\TXbBXbh_Wdb It has taken me some time to learn the folly of chasing success. Ultimately, I did it by asking myself tough questions such as the following: •

Why, as they move through their careers, do managers often say that they feel less like leaders and more like kindergarten teachers?

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Why do incompetent fools walk away from executive jobs with huge payouts while “quality” people often have to make do with barely any severance at all?

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Why is it that people who get fired for incompetence so often land in bigger jobs with more responsibility?

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When people refuse to help themselves, why is it that the only people who suffer are the ones around them?

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Why do so many people, after asking for more opportunity, freak when they get it?

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Why is it that what people say bears so little resemblance to what they do?

The answer was so painfully obvious that it eluded me for a long time: I have it backward! People don’t want to succeed; they want to fail! Sure, they talk like they want to succeed, but such talk is xii

only a method of exaggerating the depths of their failure for the benefit of friends! Like the tragic Sisyphus, I had been thinking that the goal was to push to the top of the hill, when the natural state of things was to return to the bottom. It was an incredibly liberating realization, and I cannot wait to share the fruits of this discovery with you.

2WP^bCWT^ah)4e^[dcX^]³b<XbbX]V;X]Z Ready for a truly mind-blowing insight? Darwin’s theory of evolution is not just wrong; it’s wrong to the point of being the single most asinine theory I have ever heard. “The fittest survive”? I used to think so, too, before I remembered that nature tends toward chaos, not refinement. Duh! I think it’s time we put the brakes on all this pseudoscientific stuff and declare what our actions already make obvious: we are trying to become more self-destructive with every passing generation. Regardless of rhetoric, the reality is that we teach our kids to be less resourceful and capable—not more! For instance, while my great-grandfathers lived off the land, I can hardly fillet a fish. Please. It’s time to stomp out that fraud of a doctrine known as the theory of evolution. This is perhaps most needed in the sphere of business, where Darwinism’s unquestioned adoption has created a cataclysmic perversion of interests. Admit it: it’s not about making more money, getting a better job, or building a better mousetrap. No! It’s about resisting efforts to organize, to get better, to improve. It’s about convincing others to pay us while we sit on our butts and do nothing! xiii

Darwin says it’s all about the best rising to the top. I say, no way. No way is it all about the .05 percent of the population at the top. I say it’s about the 99.95 percent of the population who get in their own way, trip themselves up, and fall on their faces to one degree or another. Hold out the .05 percent at the top as role models? I think it would be more appropriate to put them on the endangered species list!

FWPcU^[[^fbXbPSTeT[^_\T]c_[P] cWPc_dcbbdRRTbbfWTaTXcQT[^]Vb) ^dccWTfX]S^f Want to start evolving in a way that makes more sense and feels more natural? Of course you do. We all do. The way to accomplish this is surprisingly simple: straighten out your goals. Stop striving for success. Start failing! Embrace that feeling of going nowhere in all aspects of your life. We’re going to start your journey by focusing on your job. This is a great place to start, for three reasons. First, you probably already spend a lot of time working or know someone who does. Second, this whole fittest-shall-survive rap has taken such firm root in the business realm that starting anywhere else would be like trying to kill a monster by pinching its tail; we’re aiming for the heart, and that means going where the action is. And third, it’s what I know best.

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8Uh^dfP]cc^QTPVaTPcRaX\X]P[[TPa] Ua^\PR^_8Uh^dfP]cc^QTPVaTPc UPX[daT[TPa]Ua^\\T You might be interested to know who your guide will be for this incredible journey into misery. Do I have what it takes to get you there? Can I really help you drown, or am I just another false prophet who will push you into the pool, only to save you at the last second? That’s a fair concern. Given your background of haphazard success and redemption, you should be skeptical. Here’s the deal: I’m the guy companies call in when they want to grow. I “coach teams” and “develop leaders.” On occasion, I might be asked to help “get someone’s head out of his ass.” I assess executive talent and work to get the best person into each position on a given team. I have demystified the human element, and I use that knowledge to help organizations “foster fiscal and moral responsibility” by “nurturing courageous and competent leaders.” I have made it my business to know success and I can recognize it in all of its forms. I can also help you avoid each and every one of them. My own path to self-destruction is a challenging one. I have had many successes that I would need to overcome before I could truly fail. I will need to make peace with that. In the meantime, I hope to help others avoid the mistakes I made. I want to help people learn how to squander the opportunities they have while they still can—before they end up like me.

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CWTbT_PVTbR^]cPX]cWT\^bcX\_^acP]c XSTPbh^d\PhTeTaaTPS These concepts will let you turn “courting failure” from a sideline hobby into an audacious yet achievable life goal! Face it: no matter how many cooking shows you watch, and no matter how many All-Clad pots you buy, you will never, ever be able to make braised short ribs with demi-glace reduction and parsnip purée and get them to look like the ones in that celebrity cookbook you bought. But failure? That’s something you could do! You could even be good at that! And you don’t need any equipment other than the book in your hands.

H^dS^]³cTeT]]TTSP]^_T]\X]S The truly wonderful thing about self-destruction is the more closed you are to new ideas, the better! My goal is to help you sharpen a set of skills you already have, not to help you develop anything new. Don’t think of this as a self-help book that challenges you to be something you’re not and then makes you feel bad when you can’t sustain the new you. Don’t even think of this as a self-help book at all. In fact, this book is nothing more than a way for you to feel good about yourself by showing you the wisdom of every decision you have ever made. It’s like TV, only on paper.


To make the journey as easy as possible, I have organized the following tactics into four main sections: •

Taking Down Your Career

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Kicking Your Career When It’s Down

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Laying Waste to Your Personal Environment

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Mastering the Self-Destruction Process

To avoid confusion, I have clearly labeled each section and subsection where appropriate. This should be particularly helpful in case you start to regress toward illiteracy faster than you anticipated.

;Tc\TQTR[TPa)\^aT_T^_[TUPX[ cWP]bdRRTTSb^^SSbPaT8³\cP[ZX]V PQ^dch^d That said, some of the ideas laid out here will not apply to you. Others you may disagree with. That’s okay. Everyone’s path to self-destruction is his own, so what is right for one may not be right for another. The important thing is to focus on those concepts that make sense to you. In fact, I might even suggest cutting the list down to a short list of three or four favorites, so you can really put your efforts into mastering just a few concepts at first. (You can always come back to learn other concepts later.) At the end of this book, you will find an exercise to help you with the winnowing process.

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0]^]YdSV\T]cP[^UUTac^\Pb^RWXbcXR ]^]QT[XTeTab Look, I’m not stupid. I understand that not everyone will be capable of or willing to follow all of the advice in this book. That’s no problem. I insisted on learning many of these lessons the hard way, too. Still do. If you want to flirt with good times, who am I to stop you? In fact, I’ll go one step further. I will share with you things that I have tried and found led to success. At the end of each chapter, you’ll find little sections for masochistic success seekers. Masochistic success seekers, these are for you. To help self-destructors avoid accidentally derailing their efforts (yet again!), I’ve marked these sections with the internationally recognized color of pending doom: red. This aggressive and scary color—found on the belly of the black widow spider and in the eyes of the Devil himself—should be enough to scare away all but the most intrepid success seekers. Please understand that I can take no responsibility for you if you try any of these masochistic alternatives. I have seen their impact up close; it can be pretty hard to pull back from the rapid and lasting success that these approaches can bring. I only present them here in a spirit of nonjudgmental inclusion. What you do with them—and I shudder at the thought of what that might be—is up to you.

;Tc³bVTca^[[X]V Ready? Of course you are. You’ve been waiting your whole life for this. So let’s do this. Turn the page!

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FWT]cWTXa^]h^UP[[cWXbWXcbh^dh^d³[[ UTT[PRTacPX]P\^d]c^USXbR^\U^ac Don’t worry. That discomfort you’ll feel will be your brain, thinking. Practice saying it with me now: “Hello, Brain!” Yes, it missed you, too. The discomfort will then be followed by a lasting euphoria that will be the result of you and your brain getting reacquainted. Side effects may include a dopey, involuntary grin, an urge to do things differently, an easy manner, and a feeling of all being right in the world.

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