How To Help Your Child Succeed In School (5th Edition)

How to help your child succeed in school

This publication was developed with the help of education expert Barney J. Brawer, a former teacher and school principal. He is president of The National Classroom, Inc. We are also grateful to Elizabeth Dore, Ed.D., for her expert help in the development of this booklet. Dr. Dore reviews publications for the National Middle School Association, is president of the Virginia Middle School Association, and is a member of the National Council of Teachers of English. Throughout this booklet, the term middle school refers to grades 5-8. ©

1994, 2005 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved.




Contents

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Introduction

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Four ways to help your child succeed in school

13 Communicating with parents, teachers, and administrators 18 Homework tips 25 Report cards and grades 28 Problem-solving and getting help 36 Success in middle school and high school




Introduction If you’re like most parents, you want your child to succeed in school and to enjoy learning. You want school to be the best experience it can be. You know how important a good education is. Today, more students continue their education after high school and many more jobs require education and training beyond high school. Even jobs that don’t require a college degree demand increasingly advanced skills, such as being able to work with computers and other technology.

In this booklet you’ll find four key ways to help your child succeed in school: 1 Be actively involved in your child’s education. 2 Support your child’s curiosity, intelligence, and hard work. 3 Help your child get organized. 4 Be a partner with your child’s school.

These are things every parent can do, no matter what your job or educational background may be. Many of the tips and suggestions in this booklet are things you may already be doing at home. There is advice on how to form good relationships with teachers, staff, and administrators at your child’s school. You’ll find tips on how to encourage hard work and positive motivation, and what to do about homework struggles. You’ll read about ways to participate in your child’s education every day, every week, all year long. These ideas will work whether your child is in elementary school, middle school, or high school. It’s never too late to help your child succeed. Helping our children do well in school is one of our most important responsibilities as parents, says school-success expert Barney J. Brawer, a former teacher and school principal. “We must support our children’s academic success and help them get on a path that opens up opportunities for the rest of their lives. It is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give them.”

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Four ways to help your child succeed in school School success takes work on everyone’s part. It takes work on the part of parents, teachers, and children. On the pages that follow you’ll read about four ways you can help your child succeed in school.

1 Be actively involved in your child’s education. Get to know your child’s teachers. Go to school meetings and special events like plays and holiday shows. Know when a test is coming up or a report is due. Here are some other ways you can be actively involved: •

Walk or drive your child to school when you can. If you drive your child, every now and then park the car and take a minute to go in if you can. Getting to know teachers and staff will help you and your child connect with school, especially in the elementary years.

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Find out about school and become familiar with your child’s schedule. It’s easier to have conversations about school if you know the names of all your child’s teachers and what’s going on in the classroom and at school. That way you can ask specific questions. “I heard you’re taking a trip to the town library next week. What are you studying?” “Are you going to enter a project in the upcoming science fair?” “Is your music class working on anything to perform for the holiday concert?”

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Talk about school every day. Try to ask open-ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with a one-word response. Instead of asking, “How was school?”—which is likely to produce a response like “OK”—you might ask, “What do you think of the new art teacher?” Ask specific questions. “What did your teacher say about the math homework?” Avoid focusing too much on grades and test scores, which may cause your child to feel stressed and anxious. You’ll learn more about your child’s school life if you ask questions that focus on learning instead of grades. Instead of asking, “What did you get on the test?” try asking, “What did you think of the test?”

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Make school a part of your family life. When your child does well, celebrate her success as a family. Encourage everyone in the family to attend a child’s concert, game, or performance. Make a special meal to celebrate, or all go out together for an ice cream. When your child has a school project, invite relatives and friends to share their knowledge. Remember that no one succeeds in school without the help of many other people—teachers, parents, and caring adults in the community.

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Notice when your child needs help. Watch for signs that your child may be having difficulty with schoolwork, teachers, or friends. Here are some things to watch for: a dramatic change in behavior (such as when a very talkative child becomes very quiet), a sudden drop in grades, your child saying day after day, “I don’t have any homework,” not wanting to go to school. If your child is having a difficult time, there are many ways to work with teachers and the school to find solutions and support. These are described later in this booklet.

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Help your child find positive friendships. Your child will turn to peers for acceptance, support, and approval throughout all his years in school. Healthy friendships can have a positive influence on your child’s personality and schoolwork. Get to know your child’s friends. Invite them to your home. Make a list of friends’ names, phone numbers, and their parents’ names. Find opportunities to talk to the parents of new friends. Encourage friendships that promote learning and a positive attitude toward school.

“Every child can be successful in school. That’s the message we need to give our kids. ‘You can do it.’ It’s important to remember that, especially when the road gets a little bumpy.” —Barney Brawer, school-success expert

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2 Support your child’s curiosity, intelligence, and hard work. Here are some ways you can encourage your child to work hard and be a curious and active learner: •

Praise and celebrate your child’s efforts and accomplishments. Focus on how much she wanted to do a good job and how hard she worked. Praise your child for trying hard and sticking with it. The effort is even more important than the final grade. Praise and celebrate every child in your family all year long—not just when report cards come out. Display your child’s papers and artwork on the refrigerator. Tell your child how wonderful her work is.

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Read often to your child and encourage your child to read. Your child is never too young for you to read aloud to him. Your child is never too old to listen to you read aloud. The more your child reads, the better prepared he will be to handle harder and harder schoolwork as he moves up the grades.

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Be interested in all the questions that your child asks. Try to answer or talk about those questions, even if you feel busy or tired. Whenever you can, take the time to help your child find the answers to questions—by looking in books, by asking an “expert,” by figuring it out.

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Take trips to the public library. Make friends with the librarians. Ask the librarian to help you find the best and most interesting books for your child.

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Plan family outings to museums, zoos, parks, and historical places. Going somewhere interesting doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. A trip to an interesting place gives adults and children of different ages lots to talk about, read about, and tell others about.

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Do projects around the home together. Carpentry, cooking, sewing, gardening, fixing things, painting, and arts and crafts all offer opportunities to learn. Your child gets to use her own ideas and learn new skills. “I made it!” and “I fixed it!” are exciting statements for a child to make.

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Limit the amount of TV your child watches. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that parents limit their children’s TV viewing to one to two hours of good shows a day. The AAP also recommends that families take advantage of interesting programs offered on video. Often you can borrow excellent videos from the public library for free.

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Be curious and show an interest in learning yourself. If you don’t know how to spell a word, let your child see you look it up in the dictionary. If you have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar or piano, start taking lessons when your child begins music lessons.

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Talk with your children about news events, politics, and topics your child may be studying at school. Encourage your child to voice his opinions. Children who participate in mealtime or family conversations with parents are more likely to be successful in talking with teachers and other adults.

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Encourage your child to make handmade gifts and cards. Your child might write poems to thank your relatives for presents, or to wish them a happy birthday. Drawings are good gifts, too. Grandma will enjoy receiving a handmade gift from her grandchild.

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Involve your child in family decisions. Let your child help plan meals for the week. Talk about the travel time and the cost of tickets for an upcoming visit to see relatives. Help your child use her ideas and math skills to help with household tasks. She can write lists and check off jobs when they are done.

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Have high expectations for your child. Everyone can be successful in school. Give that message to your child again and again. Say, “I know that studying for that history test is hard work. I know you can do it!” Explain that when the work is hard, you have to try hard.

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3 Help your child get organized. We all do better work when we manage our time well and organize the tasks in front of us. Here are some ways to help your child get organized for school: •

Put a family calendar in the kitchen and write down important school dates. Write down when parents’ night at school will be, when report cards are coming out, when conferences take place, and when the holiday show will be. As soon as you receive an announcement of a coming event, write it down on the calendar. Talk with your spouse or partner about events on the calendar so that you both know what’s coming up. If your child’s other parent doesn’t live with you, give him or her a call so everyone can plan in advance for an important event. If you know you will not be able to attend a program at school, ask another family member or friend if she can be there in your place.

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Make sure there is a quiet space at home where your child can study without distractions. Make sure it has good lighting. Turn off the TV. Let younger children know that they have to let their sister work on her assignments because it is important to do them carefully.

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Help your child make lists and charts that will help him remember what he has to do. Make a check or star when each job is finished.

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Have a specific place for your child’s books, papers, and school assignments. Papers and books kept in a special place won’t get lost.

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Check your child’s backpack every day for any school notices or announcements. As your child gets older, appreciate his need for privacy and let him check his bag for you.

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Make a folder for the papers that come home from school. Keeping lists and notices about school events in one place will save you time when you are looking for them. You might organize a folder with divider sections. You could label one section “Sports” and another section “Class lists.” You can buy a special folder with sections at a store that sells office supplies.

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Be sure your child has all the necessary school supplies all year long, not just when the new school year starts. These include a dictionary, paper, pens and pencils, a pencil sharpener, markers, a ruler, tape, scissors, glue, paper clips, and a calculator.

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Help your child learn to organize homework and school papers. See the “Homework tips” section in this booklet for suggestions.

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Make sure that your child gets a good night’s sleep and eats well. A healthy breakfast and lunch can help your child do well in school. Healthy snacks like sandwiches, fruit, and milk give your child energy for learning.

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Offer your help and support. If your sixth-grader finds that her science assignment is overwhelming, help her think through the steps needed to tackle it. If your teenager is up late studying, stay up too and catch up on your reading, laundry, or paying the bills. You don’t have to be in the same room. Knowing you stayed up while your son worked, or that you brought your daughter a healthy snack while she finished her assignment, will mean a lot. Your child will remember that you cared.

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4 Be a partner with your child’s school. Being a partner with your child’s school means working together with teachers, assistants, the nurse, counselors, and the principal to do what’s best for your child. Here is how to do that: •

Volunteer to help. If you can, spend some time at your child’s school. You will develop a good relationship with your child’s teachers. Helping at your child’s school can give you a better idea of the people and programs that are available to your child. Offer to help out in the school library or classroom. Volunteer to chaperone a field trip, be a “class parent,” or share something special about your job with your child’s class. Volunteer to work at the refreshment stand at a football game, or offer to drive students to volunteer in a community program. If you can’t be in school during the day, you can offer to type up field-trip forms or class lists, make class phone calls for the teacher, donate supplies, or make nutritious snacks for the class. You might organize a study group for the students before a big test or final exams. Serve “brain food.” Teachers will appreciate the fact that you care and that you are helping, even when you’re helping out from home.

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Participate in school events throughout the year. It can be difficult to find the time to attend games, concerts, plays, or other activities at school, but it’s important to do it when you can. Invite other family members and good friends—people who know your child well—to join you for these events. Try to attend school events designed for parents, such as back-to-school nights, an open house, or the college or university fair. Join the parent-teacher organization at your school.

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Show your appreciation. Teaching is a tough job. Remember to thank your child’s teachers and to show your appreciation throughout the year. Write a note or stop in to say “thank you” when your child enjoys a particular study unit or the teacher has given your child extra help.

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•

Speak positively about school and the teacher. Try not to criticize a teacher, assignment, or school policy in front of your child. If you disagree with the teacher about something, work with the teacher to resolve the problem. Adults and children need to be a team that works together, celebrates successes together, and solves problems together. It does not help your child to be stuck in the middle with parent and teacher criticizing each other. Find a way to be a successful team helping your child.

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Communicating with parents, teachers, and administrators Many parents wait until there’s a problem or concern to touch base with teachers or learn about their child’s school. But if you are involved in your child’s schooling only when there is a problem, it sends the wrong message to your child: that doing well is boring and unimportant and that you only pay attention when there’s a problem. You can help your child do well in school by getting involved and staying involved year after year—through the good and the not-so-good times.

Whatever grade your child is in, the more you get to know the teachers, staff, and subjects your child is studying, the better your child’s educational experience will be. Attending parent-teacher conferences, parent meetings, and other school events will help you get to know how things work at your child’s school, what teachers expect, when exams take place, what courses, activities, and resources are available, and how grades are determined. Here are some ways to build positive connections with faculty and staff at your child’s school: •

Plan a visit. An easy time to visit is in the fall when most schools schedule a night for parents. The main office at the school can give you information about events for parents. If by October you have not received word from the school about upcoming parent conferences, contact the school to schedule one.

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Touch base with your child’s teachers at the beginning of the school year to introduce yourself. This is especially important if your child is in elementary school or middle school.

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Go to the teacher when you have a question, problem, or concern. Most teachers want to help. Teachers can also be a good source of study tips. If you have a question or concern about your child, schedule a time to talk with the teacher or guidance counselor. Teachers and guidance counselors like to meet parents and want to hear from you.

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Always find a way to attend parent-teacher conferences. Almost every school holds parent-teacher conferences. These aren’t really formal “conferences” so much as they are conversations that you have with a teacher about your child’s schoolwork. They may involve just one teacher or several teachers if your child is older. Parent-teacher conferences provide a wonderful opportunity to let teachers know that you want to work with them to help your child succeed in school. They also give you a way to find out more about how your child is doing than you can learn from a report card. The school office can give you information about conferences and when they take place.

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About parent-teacher conferences

If both parents can attend a parent-teacher conference, that is very helpful. Many schools ask that you leave your children at home, including the student you will be discussing. (Ask an adult friend, relative, or babysitter to take care of your younger children when you attend a parent-teacher conference.) Be on time. Teachers usually have several conferences scheduled in a row and will appreciate your promptness. Be sure to express positive impressions of the teacher and share any nice comments your child has made about him or her. Everyone likes to hear good news. When you get home, let your child know how the conference went. Be sure to share something positive that the teacher said about your child. Here are some questions you might ask the teacher during the conference: •

What are your goals and expectations for the year?

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How is my child doing?

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Does my child participate in class discussions? Is she actively involved in learning?

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How does my child get along with others? How are her friendships?

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How can I help my child improve his work?

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How much homework are students expected to do each night?

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What’s the best way to contact you if we have a question?

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How can students get extra help if they need it?

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How can we find out about extracurricular activities and sports programs?

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If the school “tracks” or groups students by level and ability, is my child at the right level? (If you feel that your child is over his head or is not challenged enough, talk with the teacher about your concerns.) Can my child get help to move to a more advanced class if he or she is ready for harder work?

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Stay in touch with the teacher by sending a note. You might write a note to let the teacher know if there is a new baby in the family, if a relative is sick, or if some other change is affecting your child. You can write a note to ask the teacher to call you to discuss an issue. (Be sure to give your phone number and a time when the teacher can reach you.) Do not use notes to raise objections, complain about problems, or to discuss confidential information. Instead, use the note to request a meeting and then discuss the issue in person or on the phone.

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If you have e-mail, that’s a good way to stay in touch. Many schools now have e-mail and you may have access to e-mail as well. Find out if your child’s teachers like to use e-mail to communicate about homework or other academic issues. Never use e-mail to address sensitive concerns or share confidential information. It is best to do this in person or on the phone.

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Meet with the guidance counselor if you have questions or concerns. When you have concerns about your child, or when your child is is about to make an important transition, like going from elementary school to middle school, or starting to think about college or university, make sure to meet with your child’s guidance counselor. You can talk with the guidance counselor about

- how often standardized tests are given, what they measure, and what the results mean - how decisions are made about placing children in class levels and matching students with particular teachers - what the counselor/student ratio is - how to select and plan appropriate courses for your child - how to help your child apply to college or university, to a training program, or for a job after high school

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Meet with the school psychologist or school social worker if you have questions or concerns or wish to talk about your child. Many schools have a school psychologist or social worker on staff or on call to meet with parents and with students. You can talk with the school psychologist or social worker about

- what programs and assistance the school provides for children with learning difficulties - family concerns - behavioral or academic concerns you may have about your child If you feel your family would benefit from seeing the guidance counselor or school psychologist, contact the school and ask to schedule a meeting. •

Talk with other parents about your school. The parents of your child’s friends and other parents in the community will have valuable information about teachers, administrators, homework, curriculum, and social issues. The more you share about school with other parents, the better you will understand your child’s experience. And feeling that you are part of a community can help everyone in your family feel positive about school.

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Homework tips Teachers at every grade level are now assigning more homework than they used to. In some communities, even children in kindergarten or first grade may be expected to do an hour or so of homework a night. High school students may have three or four hours of homework a night, and more work on the weekends.

Homework is an important part of every child’s education. It teaches responsibility as well as how to follow directions, manage time, begin and complete a task, and practice what’s been learned in class. It teaches children how to work independently and be resourceful. Developing responsible homework habits comes gradually for most children. How much help you give your child with homework will depend on his or her age and the homework task. A third-grader, for example, usually needs help planning a school project. You may need to walk him through each step and monitor the work. Some children work independently and need very little help from parents with homework. But most children need some support. They need help learning how to organize their work, getting started or completing their work, and knowing what to do when they reach a roadblock. All children need encouragement, too. Experts agree that parental involvement is key when it comes to homework. Here are some tips and suggestions on how to help your child with homework: •

Make it clear that homework is a priority and that you are serious about its importance. You might say to your child, “I need to see that you are working on that science report in advance, not just the day before it’s due.” “I need to look at your work and see that it’s done carefully.” Repeat these messages frequently with each child in your family.

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Tell your child, “Ask for help if you get stuck or don’t understand the homework.” Say, “It’s your job to ask for help. If I can’t help you, I’ll find someone who can—whether it’s the teacher, a friend, or a neighbor.” Remind your child that it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s the way we learn.

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If your child is in elementary school or middle school, meet with the teacher at the beginning of the school year and ask about homework. How much time should your child be spending on homework? Are there regularly scheduled tests? It’s helpful to know, for instance, that the math teacher gives a quiz every Friday. This way you can help your child prepare. 19




•

Find out the best way to get in touch with the teacher if you have a question about homework. Can you call? Drop by at a certain time? Many schools now have a homework hot line or Web site where homework assignments are posted or listed daily. Ask the teacher if this is available at your school.

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Ask the teacher how your child can get help with homework. Many teachers are willing to give extra help and support before or after class and can also recommend where to get tutoring if your child needs it.

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Make every effort to have your home be a good place for learning. Some children say they can study effectively with the television, radio, stereo, or headphones on. But in fact, this can make it very hard for your child to concentrate, especially if the work is difficult or challenging. If possible, set up a homework station far enough away from your family’s television that your child will not be distracted by it. Or just make it family policy not to turn on the television until homework is completed.

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Have homework supplies on hand at home. Make sure your child has paper, pencils, a dictionary, a calculator, and good light to read by throughout the school year. You can make life easier by also having special supplies on hand, like poster board, markers, and glue. That way your child won’t get stuck the night before a big project is due.

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Be sure your child has an assignment book. Look for an assignment book that lists the days of the week, with spaces for each class period to note assignments. These are available at drug, office supply, and stationery stores. Many schools now require a specific type of assignment book. If the school doesn’t supply an assignment book, it’s best to ask the teacher before going out to buy one.

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Help your child develop a homework routine. Children need time to unwind after school. They need time to play with friends, participate in extracurricular activities, and relax before they settle down to work and study. But children also need consistency and a routine time each day for doing homework. Stop and think about what goes

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on in your household after school. What time does everyone get home? Is your child too tired to do schoolwork in the evening? Does she have more energy before dinner? Talk with your child and reach an agreement about when and where he or she will do homework. The time may change from day to day, depending on your child’s schedule. Keep in mind that your right time to do homework may not be your child’s right time. •

Help your child get started. Encourage your child to take a few minutes every day, before he starts his homework, to go over all of his assignments and decide which need his attention first. With a younger child, you might read the assignments together to make sure he understands them. Then ask how long he thinks each part will take. Help older children break a heavy homework load into manageable parts so they don’t feel overwhelmed. You may not always be able to control when your child finishes his homework. But you can help him get started by giving him reminders and making him aware of the time.

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Don’t expect your child to complete all the work in one sitting. Many children, especially those under the age of 10 or 11, have trouble working steadily for long periods. Sitting for 15 or 20 minutes is usually comfortable for younger elementary kids. Some children in middle school may be able to extend the time. But remember that short breaks can help your child stay focused. Your child may need to take breaks, get up, have a snack, and then go back to work.

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Help your child plan ahead for big projects and “crunch” times. We all tend to put things off. You can help with school projects by teaching your child how to break big projects into smaller pieces. One good way to plan for a large assignment is to “work backwards.” For instance, if a research report is due in six weeks, your child might plan on having the rough draft completed in five weeks and the research in three to four weeks. Then set aside time to check on your child’s progress. If your child has a number of big assignments due at the same time, remind her to start some of them early. You might buy a big desk calendar or planner. They’re inexpensive and can be 21




found at most office supply stores. Your child can use it to keep track of work and projects. Being able to see the whole month at a glance is helpful. •

Plan a time to take your child to the library. School or local libraries are excellent resources for children. Your child can use the computer there and get research help from librarians as well as take advantage of a quiet place to do homework.

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If your child has a computer to use, he or she can get homework help on the Internet. There are good sites on the Internet that offer homework help. Some even allow your child to e-mail a teacher or another expert for help. You might begin by going to www.homeworkcentral.com. Two other good Web sites are http://homeworktips.about.com for U.S. students and www.schoolnet.ca for Canadian students. You can ask a teacher or children’s librarian to help you find sites designed for your child’s age group. If you don’t have a computer at home, free public libraries have them and the librarian can help your child get started. Just keep checking to make sure that your child isn’t instant messaging with friends instead of using the computer for homework.

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Ask about homework every day, every week, every month, all the way through the school year. Stay on top of what’s due and what’s coming up, and help your child remember it. Even in high school, experts agree that it’s a good idea to check on your child’s homework.

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Have your child make a habit of putting homework in a regular place, such as in the front pocket of his notebook. This way he can find it easily in class.

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Offer to help, but don’t do the work for your child. You might say, “When you’re done studying, I can test you to see if you know your multiplication tables.” Offering to help is very different from taking over. If you take over, her assignment may be completed quickly, but your child will not learn as much. Children learn best by doing. If your child gets stuck on a difficult assignment, help her work through the problem but don’t solve it for her. If the homework is too hard for either of you, find someone who can help.

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If homework is consistently too easy or too hard, be sure to let the teacher know.

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Make sure you offer lots of encouragement and praise. Although they may not show it, even high school students appreciate support and praise when they are doing schoolwork. Sometimes it’s enough to say, “Can I get you something to eat or drink while you’re studying?” “Do you need any supplies from the store?”

When you can’t be home to help

What about those times when you can’t be home to help with homework? Here are some suggestions: •

Find out if your school has a homework hot line that your child can call to confirm assignments or ask questions.

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Set up a calendar or schedule so that you and your child are clear about what needs to get done when you’re not there.

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Leave reminders. You might leave a note on the kitchen table reminding your child to get going on his homework. Or remind him to leave the finished work on the table for you to review when you get home.

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If possible, call home periodically from work to find out how your child is doing with her homework. Ask, “How’s it going?” Be specific. Ask, “Do you have any questions about your math assignment?” “Are you making progress on the science project?”

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Ask a family member or friend to check in with your child.

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Remember that your child needs encouragement whether you’re home or not. Show excitement about the projects your child completes in your absence.

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Homework checklist to share with your child •

List your assignments in order of priority and with due dates.

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Think about how much time each will take.

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Have everything you need before you get started—books, paper, a dictionary, etc.

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Jot down any questions you have about the work. Call a classmate for clarification. Or follow up with your teacher to explain any instructions or things you don’t understand.

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Check your work when you’re done. Check math problems with a calculator. Read over any written work. Sometimes it’s better to wait a little before you check a paper or report so you can read it with a fresh eye.

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Reward yourself when you finish an especially challenging task. Take a break and call a friend, watch a favorite show, read for fun, or listen to music.

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Report cards and grades Most of us are concerned about our children’s grades but we don’t always know how to react when a grade or report card is disappointing. How do you react when your child’s grades are not as good as they could be? How do you react when the grades are wonderful? Some suggestions follow.

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Make sure you understand what the report says. Grades and reports can be confusing. If you do not understand what the report card says, contact the teacher with your questions. Try not to be defensive.

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Praise your child for the work behind good grades. Focus on effort and improvement rather than on the grade itself. Try saying, “You really worked hard. Your efforts really paid off.” Be sure to pay attention to hard work, not just to A’s and B’s.

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Celebrate and praise good grades, but avoid giving rewards like money or gifts. Research shows that giving rewards like money, toys, or other gifts are poor motivators over time. Material rewards for good grades provide a temporary incentive to achieve but are not useful in the long run. Your child’s own need to succeed is the best kind of motivation there is. On occasion, a small, unexpected reward may help to bring a child out of a slump.

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Try to look at poor grades not as a sign of failure but as a sign that your child may need help. Then problem-solve about how to get that help. Focus on the solution rather than the problem. If your child is old enough, involve him in finding solutions. Ask, “What do you think you could do to remember what you learn in class every day?” or “How can we help you do better in social studies?” Poor grades can be a sign that your child may need help getting organized, doing homework, or preparing for tests. Your child’s teachers may have ideas about how to help. Work with the teacher to do what’s best for your child.

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Never make negative or hurtful comments about grades to your child. Poor grades are painful for children. If you feel disappointed by a low grade or a disappointing report card, it’s important not to make comments that only make your child feel worse. Instead, try offering support. You might say, “It looks like you’re really having trouble with English. I know you can do better. Let’s talk with the teacher and see what we can do to make it easier for you so you can improve next term.”

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“Celebrate all of your child’s successes—the good grade, the paper that was completed on time, the extra effort he or she put into an assignment. Don’t let these things go unnoticed.” —Barney Brawer, school-success expert

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Don’t punish your child for poor grades. If your child is not measuring up to her abilities, you may want to set firm limits, focus on a homework schedule, talk to the teacher, or seek help from a tutor. Talk with your child and seek solutions together. You might ask, “How can we work together to help you understand fractions better?”

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Think about whether you are placing undue pressure on your child to achieve. Do you insist on all A’s and B’s? Do you insist that your child make the honor roll every term? Remember that grades are no guarantee of success or failure in life. Grades are only one measure of your child’s talents, achievements, and abilities.

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Build on your child’s strengths. Try to identify what your child does best, and give him opportunities to excel. For example, if your child is outgoing and speaks well but has trouble reading or writing down his ideas, he might enjoy drama or debating club.

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Be alert to grades that may not be accurate. Encourage your child to speak to his teacher when he is puzzled by a grade. Be willing to help him look into the problem if necessary. Help him rehearse what he could say to his teacher without seeming defensive.

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Value all of your child’s achievements. Celebrate achievements in art, sports, music, and extracurricular activities.

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Accept grades for what they are—external measures of success that reflect school performance at a particular time. Encourage your child to do her best, but try not to place too much emphasis on grades.

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Problem-solving and getting help All children have their ups and downs in school. There may be an issue with a teacher or class, or a problem with another child at school. Your child may experience academic or behavior problems that interfere with school performance. Your family may be going through a period of change—a new marriage, a divorce, a serious illness or even a death in the family—and this could be affecting your child’s behavior or academic performance. Whatever the problem, there are resources within the school and the community to help you handle these problems.

Here are signs that your child may be having a difficult time or needs extra attention: •

a dramatic change in behavior (such as when an outgoing child becomes withdrawn or has a marked change in eating patterns)

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a sudden drop in grades

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increased discipline problems

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never seeming to have homework

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not wanting to go to school Remember the fourth secret to school success: Be a partner with your child’s school. Here is how to be a partner with your child’s school when there are problems:

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Respond quickly to problems. It’s always best to address a problem right away, as soon as you are aware of it. Send a note to the teacher. You might say, “I’m concerned over Tammy’s score on the recent math test. Could you give me some ideas about what I can do to help her understand the material better?”

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Reassure your child that you are going to work on the problem together. You might say, “We’re going to get help. We’ll figure this out—together.”

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Try to get as much information as you can about the problem. The more you understand about the problem, the more you can help. If your daughter who likes science suddenly gets a poor grade in the class, talk with her about what she thinks might be the problem. Then talk with the teacher.

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Share information about what is happening at home. If your family is going through a difficult period or time of change, it’s helpful for the teacher to know that.

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•

When there is a problem or difficulty, the first person you should talk to is the teacher. It’s not a good idea to “go over the teacher’s head” by contacting the principal or another administrator. Start with the person who knows your child best—the teacher. Call him or her or write a note to request a meeting. If you work during school hours and it’s hard to find a time to meet with the teacher, ask if you can talk over the phone in the evening or early morning.

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Let the teacher know that your goal is to solve the problem together. Teachers want to help children succeed and they are pleased when parents work cooperatively to help a child get past a difficulty and solve a problem at school.

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Try not to blame or accuse. Instead of saying, “You never call on my child,” you might say, “I’m concerned that my child may not have enough chance to speak in class.” If you are open and friendly, if you show that you want to work together, the teacher will usually be helpful. Problem-solving feels a lot better than blaming and accusing, and will usually bring results.

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Stay calm. It does not help to raise your voice or lose your temper with your child’s teacher. Always speak in a calm tone. Make it clear that your family wants to work cooperatively with the school to solve problems.

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Remember that problem-solving takes time. You may need to be in touch with the teacher several times. If your child is disruptive in class or not completing assignments, you and the teacher may decide to use a daily report card, where the teacher can check off good behavior or completed assignments on a list to keep track of your child’s behavior and reward improvement. This can help you follow up at home.

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•

You may want to take notes when you talk with the teacher or other members of the staff. Your child’s teacher and others will probably have suggestions for dealing with the problem you are concerned about. Taking notes will help you remember the key points.

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Meet with the guidance counselor if necessary.

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Teach your child to ask for help. Repeat this message often to your child: “If you’re stuck, it’s your job to ask for help. Asking for help is a good thing. It shows the teacher that you want to do well.”

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Stay involved once the problem is worked out. Remember that it’s important to be involved with your child’s schooling in good times and in difficult times. Schools, like other institutions, sometimes make mistakes. Most teachers are interested in communicating and working with parents, but sometimes a teacher may not be as helpful as you’d like. If you have talked with the teacher and are not satisfied that the problem is resolved, you may want to consider taking the following steps:

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Schedule a team meeting with all your child’s teachers. A team meeting is a meeting of all of your child’s teachers, the guidance counselor, and you. Together, you can come up with a plan to solve the problem at hand. Sometimes a team meeting can help clarify the problem and identify solutions. The result of a team meeting is that everyone takes some measure of responsibility for helping your child. It may also reassure your child that you and her teachers are working together for her benefit.

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Meet with the department head, other administrator, or the principal. If you aren’t pleased with a particular teacher’s actions or a school policy, find out what your options are. At a meeting with an administrator, be sure to give clear reasons for your concerns, and specific examples.

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Getting help if your child is struggling

If your child’s grades are slipping or remain unsatisfactory, that means he or she needs help. Poor grades can be caused by a number of things: a lack of basic skills, poor study habits, tension at school, trouble with peers, or difficulties at home. Whatever the cause of the problem, here are ways to get help for your child: •

Talk with the teacher or your child’s guidance counselor. If your child is older, you may want to have this meeting with your child present.

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Come away from the meeting with a plan. Once you understand why your child’s school performance has dropped or continues to be at a low level, decide together with the school what steps to take next. Does your child need a better structure for doing homework? More assistance and monitoring from you and less time watching television and talking on the phone? Less time at his after-school job? Limits on school-night activities? More sleep? Tutoring or outside support services? A professional evaluation by a learning specialist? Have a plan that everyone has agreed on. It should include specifics on when your next meeting or meetings will take place.

“Everyone who succeeds in school does it with the help of many other people—teachers who taught them and showed them where to find things, relatives and friends who helped when they got stuck and sat with them when they were worried. We’re all in this together, as a family and a community.” —Barney Brawer, school-success expert

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Getting help if your child has learning difficulties

Some children have learning disabilities or difficulties with particular subjects that require specialized help. Children who have difficulty learning need extra help and attention. They need teachers who understand their capabilities and know what teaching methods will meet their needs. If, over time, your child appears to be struggling with his schoolwork and you’ve met with his teachers, you may want to have your child evaluated and tested. The school guidance counselor, school psychologist, or your pediatrician can help you arrange an evaluation. Your child is entitled to an evaluation by federal law in the U.S. It’s best to put your request for an evaluation in writing to the school. Even if it’s not required, it will be easier to keep track of the process if you do. Sometimes parents are reluctant to have their child evaluated by a specialist. Parents may be worried about the possibility of their child having a learning disability. They may be concerned that their child will be labeled negatively. However, it can be extremely valuable to have a child tested in order to help develop an educational plan adapted to his or her special requirements. It is important to have an educational program that works for your child. Learning disabilities may be hard to identify. Most children with learning disabilities have a normal level of intelligence, and many are very bright. They may do extremely well in some areas but have trouble in others. Children with learning disabilities typically show one or more of these signs: •

Trouble with schoolwork. They may have problems with math or reading, particularly with assignments that require them to put things in order. Some children mix up words or reverse numbers or letters. They may read “b” for “d” or “31” for “13.”

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Trouble understanding ideas. They may have trouble understanding ideas that involve time or space (such as “yesterday” and “today” or “up” and “down”). Or they may have a short attention span and difficulty remembering things they have been told often.

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•

Poor coordination. A child may seem clumsy or awkward, or find it hard to master physical skills that are easy for other children their age, such as tying shoes. A child may be especially accident-prone, have trouble focusing, or have problems writing letters that are clear and readable.

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Language problems. Some children may be slow in developing the ability to speak clearly, and may continue to have problems putting their ideas into words. They may have difficulty understanding what is being said to them. They may pronounce words in unusual ways or it may be hard to understand them when they speak.

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Immaturity. Some children are just “young for their age”—and that may cause problems in school. They may not be able to control their emotions or impulses as well as other children in their class, and may become upset more easily. Although they can be charming and spontaneous, they may have traits that make it hard for them to make friends, such as a tendency to insist on having things their own way or to interrupt constantly.

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Frustration. If they are trying very hard but can’t do what’s expected (by others or themselves), they may become very frustrated and lose confidence. They may show their frustration by refusing to try new activities or by giving up quickly, or insisting that they “can’t do” or “won’t be good at” the new task. Children with learning disabilities may have only one or two of these traits, or they may have quite a few. Here are the steps to take if you are concerned about your child:

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Talk with teachers and specialists at the school. The guidance counselor, principal, or a specialist in learning disabilities can help you determine whether your child has a learning problem and, if so, what kind of help and support your child may need. Find out if the teacher and the other school staff believe that your child needs a formal evaluation for learning disabilities. If an evaluation may help clarify the situation, find out what steps you need to take to have your child tested promptly. Your child’s teacher or another staff member should be able to help you schedule an evaluation. 34




•

Talk with your child’s doctor. Ask your child’s pediatrician to observe actions that concern you.

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Get help early on. A prompt evaluation will enable your child to get the help she needs quickly and reduce the risk that she will feel frustrated or experience failure. An evaluation will also give you a clearer picture of your child’s needs and how you can help your child learn successfully.

Getting help if your child is gifted

Having a very bright child can also be a challenge. You want to make sure that he continues to grow and learn to master new skills without getting bored. If your child does not feel challenged at school, start by asking the teacher for advice about what to do. The teacher may be able to provide your child with additional work and activities, or help you find classes and supplemental programs either within the school or outside it. Talk with your child to see if he is interested in extra work—make sure he doesn’t feel like he’s being punished. Some schools offer academic clubs and honors or advanced-placement classes. In many communities, high school students can take classes at nearby museums or colleges. Talk with the teacher or another staff member about what’s possible in your school and community. Your child might be interested in tutoring other students, doing an independent study, helping in the chemistry lab, or designing special projects for his classmates. Encourage your child to pursue opportunities to use and build upon his special talents.

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Success in middle school and high school The pressure on students to succeed increases in the upper grades—in middle school and high school. At the same time, peer pressure to participate in social activities also increases. Teachers assign much more homework. Students are increasingly expected to work independently and to manage their own time. Grades become more important as they begin to “count” for future job or college and university opportunities.

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How can you help your child succeed in middle school and high school? Here are some suggestions: •

Stay involved in your child’s education through middle school and high school. According to a survey in the journal Education, only 50 percent of parents are involved in their child’s schooling when children are 16 or older, as compared to 73 percent of parents when their children are younger. Most parents of high school students said they would like to be more involved in their children’s education and more than half of the students said they would welcome their parents’ involvement—including helping with homework and supporting extracurricular activities, groups, and clubs.

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Stay informed about school. Read the school newsletter, and announcements that come home from teachers and the principal. Stay informed not just about extracurricular activities, but also about academics. Most schools have a back-to-school night, a curriculum night, or other evenings for parents when teachers explain the school’s courses, standardized tests, and other academic issues.

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Memorize the names of all of your child’s teachers so you can talk about school together. If necessary, write down the teachers’ names and a sentence or two about each of them so you’re able to remember who teaches what. Always attend parent-teacher conferences. The more you know about your child’s schooling, the more helpful you can be.

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Be present at the school. Attend meetings of the parent-teacher organization. Try to attend school events. If you cannot be there for a sports event, play, concert, or other activity your teenager may be involved in, be sure to ask a relative or close friend to attend. Even if your teenager says she wants you to stay out of her social life, she does want you there to cheer her on.

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Remember that it’s never too late to get involved. It’s never too late to join the parent-teacher organization, help out with an activity at school, or become involved in some other way at your teenager’s school.

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•

Help your child learn to handle pressure. With the demands of more homework, exams, papers, and school projects, your child may feel a good deal of pressure, especially in high school. Provide support to help your child handle these requirements. Your teenager may need help with managing his time, setting goals and priorities, developing effective study skills, or tackling tougher subjects. If you can’t provide this help on your own, you might consider seeking help from a teacher, school counselor, or tutor. Study groups and tutoring are helpful for many students. Summer programs offering academic assistance are also available. Talk with your teenager when he seems to be experiencing stressful times. Encourage your teenager to take short breaks, get some sleep, exercise, or hang out with friends. Help him learn to balance work and relaxation.

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Encourage your child to keep trying hard, especially in the subjects that she finds the most difficult or challenging. As the course work becomes more challenging in the upper grades, students sometimes decide that they “aren’t good” in math, science, foreign languages, or writing. As a result, they don’t try as hard in these classes. It’s important to remind your son or daughter that all subjects are important. If your child is struggling, talk with the teacher. Some teachers offer study groups or extra help before or after school. The teacher may also be able to recommend a tutor.

Research shows that the more families sit down together for meals and talk with each other, the better children do in school and in life. Your family may have a crazy, hectic schedule. But try to have regular meals together. A few times a week can make a big difference.

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•

Help your teenager learn to manage his time. Homework demands increase dramatically starting in middle school, and so do social activities. Your teenager may need help learning to balance the demands of sports, clubs, homework, social life, free time, and a job if he is working. He may need help making choices, setting priorities, or knowing when to limit activities. This may even include deciding to temporarily drop an activity. Learning to balance work and free time takes practice.

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Limit TV, electronic games, and time spent on the Internet.

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Make sure your teenager starts off the day with breakfast. All families are busy and few have time for a sit-down breakfast together. But at least try to send your teenager out the door with a bagel, a banana, or a protein bar to give her the energy she needs to make it through the morning. Or if the school offers breakfast, make sure she has money and will arrive at school in time to buy breakfast.

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See that your teenager gets enough sleep. Experts recommend an average of about nine hours of sleep a night for adolescents. This is an ideal that’s often difficult to achieve, but it’s worth trying to coax your teenager to bed at a reasonable hour. Studies show that teenagers who get close to this amount of sleep do better in school.

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Help your teenager choose courses. In high school, students often have some choice of what courses they take. They may also be placed or recommended for a particular “track” or curriculum level based on their present skills and their plans after high school. Many high schools track students into honors, college preparatory, basic, or vocational tracks, though different schools use different terms to describe the levels. Each track or program offers specific courses that can have a big impact on your child’s future college or job success. Here is a description of each track:

- The honors or enriched track, which may include advanced placement courses, is designed for top-performing students who will be seeking admission to colleges and universities.

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- The college or university preparatory track gives students the background they need to enter college, university, or other training after high school. This track gives students a wide range of options for the future. - The general or “basic” track provides basic or remedial courses in math, English, history, science, and other subjects. These courses tend to focus on essential skills in math and English, with the goal of helping students complete high school successfully. In some schools, “basic” courses may be designed with fewer requirements for student learning. - The vocational track provides students with training in specific job skills in fields such as auto mechanics, culinary arts, plumbing, carpentry, and electronics. Be sure that the courses your child is taking provide real skills and valuable knowledge that will be helpful or meaningful later in life. Parents should be alert to the possibility that their child may just be “passing time” in one or more of her classes. Parents should also be aware of the opportunities for children to develop new interests—in a dance class, a biology class, or an auto repair class. Be sure your child’s classes in high school are opening up opportunities for the future, not closing them off. Be involved when your teenager chooses courses and makes academic decisions. If you don’t feel qualified to do this, talk with the guidance counselor or find a family member, friend, or neighbor who can help. Remember that one program in itself may not meet all of your child’s needs and interests. For some students, it’s better to be in more demanding classes. On the other hand, if your child feels unable to keep up, he might be more successful in a class targeted to his skills and needs. Make sure your child is in the right program or level to get the best possible education—that he is challenged to learn and develop and is being prepared well for life after high school.

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•

If you have concerns or if your teenager is having problems, take action and be a problem-solver. Dropping grades or consistently low grades, attendance or discipline problems, or reluctance to go to school each day are all signs that your child may be having difficulty in school. Teachers and your school’s guidance counselor can help. Don’t wait for the first report card or the first parent-teacher conference to contact the school for help. If you sense there is a problem, make an appointment right away to speak with a teacher or guidance counselor.

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Help make school a positive experience. Help your child find activities where she can feel successful and confident. The activity may be school-related—performing in a school play or band—or it may be a volunteer activity where your child feels she is making a difference, such as a community-service organization, an outdoor club, or tutoring younger students. The key is for your child to be involved in activities where she gains confidence in her abilities and interests.

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Talk with your teenager about the future and about life after high school. It’s normal for young people to be confused about their long-term goals. Help your child think about his options. Other people can help, too: guidance counselors, family friends with a wide range of jobs and lifestyles, relatives, and people in the community who know your child.

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Helping your teenager balance schoolwork and a part-time job

Over four million teenagers in the U.S. and Canada have part-time jobs—babysitting, doing yard work, working in a supermarket, restaurant, or a store. How does having a job affect school performance and achievement? Research shows that having a job can be good for teenagers—within limits. But working more than 15 or 20 hours a week usually interferes with a child’s achievement in school. Laurence Steinberg, a psychologist at Temple University, studied high school students who worked more than 20 hours a week and found that they missed more school, received lower grades, and cut more classes than their classmates who worked fewer hours. If possible, try to limit the number of hours your teenager works to no more than 15 or 20 hours a week during the school year. Here are some other guidelines about teenagers and jobs: •

Try to limit job hours to afternoons and weekends, rather than weekday evenings during the school year.

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Keep an eye on your child’s school performance. If you see a decline in grades, help your child learn to manage all her responsibilities or reduce the number of hours on the job.

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Make it clear that school is your teenager’s most important job. More and more jobs require more and more schooling and training. Doing well in school will open up important opportunities for your child. Helping your child to be successful in school is one of the most important gifts you can give your son or daughter.

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