How Others See Us - Irish Independent

Irish Independent Friday, 2 January, 2004

18 FEATURES HOW OTHERS SEE US

Ireland? Sure we don’t know how great it is

Astrology: A sign of the times or a load of bull? Caitriona Durcan

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With tens of thousands of people moving here each year, JANE LYONS asks some ‘blow-ins’ what they think of this country

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n returning from a recent trip to France, I presented my Australian passport to the immigration checkpoint at Dublin airport. There were no problems with my paperwork but what struck me was the officer’s response to my year-long stay in Ireland. “Ah, you poor thing,” he said, and laughed. Welcome to Ireland! I have never quite known how to respond to these jokes or comments and, after a year, I have heard them often enough — from the taxi driver who offers me his commiserations to the bewildered question: “But why did you choose to come here?” A mild giggle or non-committal titter have always seemed the most appropriate response. I have always suspected that rolling around the floor with laughter or, worse, putting the boot in myself would go down like a lead balloon. It’s like any family: potshots from members are allowed but outside criticism is rarely welcome and is often fiercely repudiated. “I think a lot of that has to do with the weather and the traffic — why do you come here?” jokes Professor Tony Fahey from the Economic and Social Research Institute. He adds: “I would say if you were to have been here 10 or 12 years ago, it would have been far worse and the justification would have been that the country seemed to be going down the tubes. The boom that occurred in the 1990s has done something to make people less inclined to be down in the mouth about the country than they used to be.” For so long a place of departure, the last decade has also witnessed the transformation of Ireland into a destination, attracting tens of thousands of immigrants each year. With so many people making Ireland their home, just what is it that they like (and dislike) about this country?

LEA GOSSART, 24 (FRANCE) Length of stay: Three-and-a-half years Occupation: Front of house coordinator Likes: “Dublin is small enough and big enough — it is not a huge city where you get lost and it is not like a village with one street. You’ve got enough entertainment and enough attractions. “In general, Irish people are really warm people. They live up to the reputation that they have. Irish people tend to speak to people in the streets and pubs while in Paris you don’t do that because it is so big.” Dislikes: “Ireland can be quite frustrating because there is no margin for difference. If you are not part of the standard, you feel like you are not going to belong. Sometimes people are quite limited in their way of seeing things.”

EMILY LIDSTROM, 22 (SWEDEN) Length of stay: Two years Occupation: Photography student

Taking it easy in Dublin: Remco de Wit and Shinya Okawa. Below: Marta Garcia Tascon (left) and Ciaran Murphy. Pictures by Aidan Crawley, Donal Doherty and Jim O’Kelly experienced is the friendliness of the people. When I came here four years ago there weren’t very many black people (compared to now) and, at least for me, I have never experienced any racial tension. I found the people very genuine, very helpful and very nice. They reminded me of people from home: very easy-going, love to party, love to drink.” Dislikes: “The hardest thing has been the weather.” Likes: “I like the intimacy of the people. It is very easy to move here by yourself and it’s a little bit easier to get to know people than in other places I’ve been to. “It feels like it is possible to do things here now, while in other countries things might be very established. There are many young people who are doing things. It feels like there are more possibilities to start a band, a record company, magazine, clothes label — stuff like that.” Dislikes: “I don’t like the weather: the damp and cold. The prices also very expensive.”

MARTA GARCIA TASCóN, 26 (SPAIN) Length of stay: Three months Occupation: Bar attendant Likes: “The weather in these last three months has been very nice. The humour of the Irish is similar to the Spanish people — it is friendly and happy — and the personality is very open. There are also more jobs and money here.” Dislikes: “I don’t like the taxes. In Spain everything is public — the health, medical, hospital. Here you have to pay for these services and you have to pay more taxes. You have to pay for everything. It is very expensive.”

AVERY JOHN, 28 (TRINIDAD) Length of stay: Four years Occupation: Professional football player Likes: “One of the greatest things I have

GIUSEPPE CONTI, 31 (ITALY) Length of stay: Six months Occupation: Bar attendant Likes: “I usually don’t talk about a place, I talk about the people. I find Irish people, in a way, similar to Italian people. I’ve met some really good people.” Dislikes: “I think they drink too much. I usually don’t drink but since I’ve been here I go drinking because that is the only way you can socialise with people. They also don’t care as much about food as Italians do.”

CIARAN MURPHY, 34 (AUSTRALIA) Length of stay: Four years Occupation: Sub-editor Likes: “I like the ease of companionship, the vigour of an argument over a few pints, the beauty of the countryside and the real Ireland that lies behind the hi-diddly-i facade.” Dislikes: “I dislike the political shadow games which are allowed to continue with a nod and a wink while the nation frays. I also dislike the contentment in, and rabid pursuit of, wealth and the plain tackiness of the manner in which it is displayed.”

JAMES ARMSTRONG, 52 (AMERICA) Length of stay: Six years Occupation: Photojournalism lecturer Likes: “It is a very interesting time to be here with what has happened with the

economy in the last six to eight years. It is a period where the young Irish are plugged in and connected and are as contemporary as any other group anywhere else. It is an absorbing time for them in terms of an international culture and it probably has to do with developing a contemporary or, dare I say, a post-modern Irish sensibility — who they are and what they are.” Dislikes: “I dislike the moral vanity of the upper-middle class or the intelligentsia. I think the Irish love to take the higher ground. There is a certain way of looking at the world where a lot of the educated Irish are very critical about things in world politics that have not been resolved on their own doorstep.”

MIRELLA MECHITA, 20 (ROMANIA) Length of stay: Three years Occupation: Business student Likes: “It has always seemed more normal for me to consider Ireland in terms of advantages and disadvantages, ups and downs. What Ireland stands for, for me, is the opportunity to achieve something, to fulfil a set of dreams that would be far more difficult back home. “The things I like best are the people — they are friendly, outgoing, full of life, ‘can-I-help-you’, ‘let’s-go-out-for-adrink’ people.” Dislikes: “I have met some hypocritical people who have been sweetness and light to my face but, as soon as I have turned my back, they have clenched their teeth and called me a ‘f***ing immigrant’ and ‘f***ing foreigner’.”

GAYLE WILLIAMSON, 33 (SOUTH AFRICA) Length of stay: Two-and-a-half years Occupation: Journalist Likes: “I know locals will say that Dublin isn’t like it used to be but, having come from South Africa (where I lived for 20 years), I find it very friendly and safe. I love that you can go into shops here, especially in the smaller towns,

and shopkeepers talk to you and get to know you. Or even when you’re standing in a queue in Tesco and the person next to you starts a conversation. There’s a real sense of community.” Dislikes: “The only things I don’t like are the traffic congestion, how much everyone seems to drink and the high cost of living.”

SHINYA OKAWA, 29 (JAPAN) Length of stay: Three-and-a-half years Occupation: Multimedia expert Likes: “The people and the atmosphere of Dublin, I like that. It is not too big, it is not too small and so it is a nice cosy city where I can have fun. The place and people are also easygoing.” Dislikes: “Sometimes people here are a bit unsophisticated and not so cosmopolitan. I don’t like the ‘lad’ culture or the new rich Irish people who splash money about in so-called exclusive places.”

REMCO DE WIT, 31 (HOLLAND) Length of stay: Four years Occupation: Manager of an internet cafe Likes: “I like the people — they are nicer than in Holland. At home the people are not nice any more; they are not friendly and they are always in bad moods. The Irish people are easygoing. I also like the countryside very much.” Dislikes: “In the supermarkets they don’t have as big an assortment as in Holland. The rent is also too high.”

Made for each other? It’s still a labour of love Grace Wynne-Jones .............................................................................................................................

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ny idiot can fall in love but staying in love is an ongoing discipline.” These are the wise words of Malcolm Stern, co-host of Channel 4’s reality love series Made For Each Other, due to return to our screens in February. It’s a sobering message for young couples out there who are planning to spend the rest of their lives together. But don’t despair — Malcolm stresses that conflict within relationships is inevitable and his solutions are simple: negotiation and compromise. “We all have different needs and getting our needs met often requires negotiation. A huge amount of personal development happens when both people are willing to grow,” says Malcolm. In Made For Each Other Malcolm and his co-presenter, Vanessa Lloyd-Platt, a divorce lawyer, watch videos of couples going about their daily business at home. Malcolm and Vanessa then watch the videos with the couples and discuss any problems. The couples are set certain tasks to see if they can overcome their problems and are filmed as they get on with their homework. “Men and women come from different tribes,” says Malcolm. “To expect to be the same is ridiculous. Being honest

about your needs is very important but never hurt your partner more than is necessary. And also be aware that more damage is often caused by trying not to hurt someone. For example, don’t start off a relationship by trying to be a perfect partner. If someone has been giving a lot and then suddenly stops it can be very painful.” But how do you go about stating your needs effectively? “Make sure you get your timing right,” says Malcolm. “Choose a comfortable time and place. Avoid blaming statements like: ‘You make me feel like you just don’t care.’ Instead, say: ‘If you don’t ring when you are going to be late I feel like you don’t care about my feelings.’ Try not to make the other person wrong.” The main sources of conflict in relationships tend to be the inability to communicate needs, power struggles, money issues, sex and children. “Many couples have very different views on money,” says Malcolm. “One may spend money freely while another hoards it. Again you need to be honest with each other and work out a compromise.” Apparently sexual problems are often caused by a breakdown in communication. “Again it’s about learning to assert your own needs. Don’t just concentrate on pleasing the other person — it’s important that you enjoy sex too!”

Many couples sail along happily until they have children. “Parents need to learn how to support each other and to ask for more support if they need it,” says Malcolm. “Make time for things you enjoyed doing together before you had children.” Though conflict is inevitable in relationships, Malcolm believes that there are times when you should step back from confrontation. “Never try to negotiate new ground in the middle of an argument. Wait until you calm down.” Honesty often requires diplomacy and courage but it can also save a marriage. “I have seen many couples who think they can’t stay together because they haven’t shown their partner who they really are. Healthy relationships are challenging because they require self-knowledge and that is also why they are so valuable.”

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ut however close you are to your partner you will need other allies. No one person can meet all your emotional needs, however much you’d like them to. According to Malcolm, building up a mutually supportive network of friends who can help you with honest self-examination is crucial. Of course there may be times when friends and self-help are not enough. “For example, if a partner has been

humour is crucial and someone with similar aspirations to what they want out of life. Also kindness and good companionship. Someone who they can be good friends with too. You need someone you can relate to on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level.” But is it all worth it? “Yes,” says Malcolm emphatically. “Because you take a journey of discovery together and reap the benefits of having someone who really loves and supports you. You create your own best friend.”

FIVE TOP TIPS Love at first sight: but conflict is inevitable unfaithful, I would advise a couple to go to a counsellor,” says Malcolm. But what if only one person wants to grow and the other thinks everything is just fine as it is? “If the other person won’t change, you could leave the relationship,” says Malcolm. “Or you could create an environment in which it is easier for them to open up. If you have children you have more of a responsibility to keep the relationship together.” Don’t let all this put off any single people looking for love. Malcolm says the key is finding someone with whom you are compatible. “A good sense of

^Try to understand your partner before you try to get them to understand you. ^Don’t go to sleep on a fight. ^Sometimes you can’t sort something out as quickly as you’d like to. Don’t walk away from a problem. Make time to discuss it later. But you need to be willing to let some things go. ^When stuck, get support. Don’t expect your partner to fulfil all your needs. ^Say sorry — but only if you mean it. Malcolm Stern’s book ‘Falling In Love, Staying In Love’ is due out in March, published by Piakthus. Grace Wynne-Jones’s novel ‘Ready Or Not? Life, Love And Other Complications’ (¤9.99) is published by Tivoli.

ere you born under the sign of the bull? Well, lucky old you if you were. After all, 2004 is going to be a great year for all you Taureans. Apparently you’ve been at breaking point for some time but this year your stress levels will lower. Not a Taurus? Well don’t worry. In fact, 2004 looks to be shaping up quite nicely for everyone if the spate of astrological predictions swamping magazines and daytime chat shows is to be believed. And how we lap it up — poring over the predictions, hoping to discover whether that promotion at work will happen or if we’ll meet the person of our dreams. A century ago, it was confidently predicted that science and technology would eventually drive out all superstition and religion. However, be it astrology, tarot or phrenology (reading the bumps on your head), fortune telling shows no signs of disappearing. Although somewhat perverse in this scientific day and age, to the despair of rationalists such as Stuart Vyse, we are increasingly trying to gaze into crystal balls. In 1997 Vyse published a book called Believing In Magic, in which he called for proper teaching of decision analysis and greater promotion of science education. Today he is pessimistic. “Instead of taking control of our own lives and making our own decisions, we are putting more stock in superstition, magic and, at this time of year, the zodiac,” he says. Despite their popularity, horoscopes are not taken too seriously in Western societies but in India it’s a different matter. In 1998 the newly elected Indian prime minister, Atal Behari Vajpayee, delayed moving into his official residence because he was waiting “for an auspicious hour” recommended by his astrologer. It’s unlikely Bertie Ahern would do likewise. Last month on a visit to India, I spent an evening with Dr Churamani, the President of Spiritualism for New Delhi. He explained that whereas western astrologers regard a birth horoscope as a psychological map, Panchang, the ancient science of Indian astrology, sees it as a map of the soul’s karma and destiny. Highly personalised, it describes the deeper character of an individual, as well as unveiling how two people will get on with each other.

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anchang astrology reveals that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are the perfect match. Unfortunately my Hindu friend Rajif’s reading wasn’t as agreeable. Based on Dr Churamani’s prophecy, Rajif decided not to marry the love of his life because apparently their charts weren’t compatible. But can astrology actually predict the future? Gordon Rutter, president of the Edinburgh Fortean Society, a group dedicated to the open-minded study of the unexplained, is sceptical. “There are hundreds of studies claiming astrologers can’t do what they think they can do. The majority of predictions tend to be non-specific and even those of Nostradamus have been open to a wide range of interpretations over the centuries.” Despite scientific scepticism, fortune-telling continues to have a hold on many of us. Professor Vyse says the feeling of insecurity after the September 11 terrorist attacks has contributed to an increased interest in horoscopes. “These are anxious times. Here in the US things have become more anxious since the terrorist attacks and an increase in superstition is to be expected,” he says. Recent studies by Professor Giora Keinan, of Tel Aviv University, established that superstitious behaviour is more likely when under stress — and there’s no worse time for stress than Christmas and the New Year. In an ingenious experiment he asked a group of students questions about their health. He found that individuals with a high desire for control were more likely to tap the table and say “touch wood” when interviewed just before sitting exams than students questioned on a normal study day. While enlightened thinkers of old must be turning in their grave at the persistence of superstition in the West, then the communist authorities who strove to eliminate such practices in China and the Soviet Union must be turning in their mausoleums. Both countries are seeing a massive resurgence in superstition of all kinds. In China, faith healing and sorcery are increasingly popular, and in Russia, where tarot cards were once banned, all kinds of fortune-telling have become fashionable again. So it seems that little has changed from the days when man looked to the stars for omens. It’s just that now we read the horoscopes instead.