Hopeless Hope

1Hopeless Hope Upendra Nepali

Hopeless Hope for me to think is a big issue .I am sure it becomes a great deal about it ,just to think and re-think.for last five years I had been so much of energetic in my life. I can’t imagine about. I was innovative and imaginative all the years. It doesn’t mean that, I am now not optimistic at all. I was and I will be in the futures, as my body and the Soul tell me to do so. This is not a simple articulation about me. My lives had and have been so much of controversies I can ever realize it. As I went on passing out the times, I saw that life has something meaningful and significant sites to be done. I tried to look the meanings of the life. I only observed my life styles. I simply wanted to persuade myself that the life has a valuable inner meaning. I never thought about it. When I saw a boy of 14 was looking after his widow mum. Is it impossible for me not to be someone in this world? I asked myself and wanted to implement them in the life. A boy of 14 was taking care of his sick and a widow mum. I was very much desperate in my life. As I saw the boy polishing the shoes in the road side, from early morning till the evening. My heart started betting unusual way. Pensively I sat in the café to see a boy’s hard work. He really worked hard. His smile was best part of his job. I had been absolutely pensive regarding my futures. I had a work, in which I would earn Rs. 4000 a month. For the first time when I got this amount, I was so much excited. I had been working as a baby sitter since last 3 years in a foreigner embassy in Kathmandu. I have lost myself, no wonder where it can be? A daily routine was going on. I never thought of anything in the life time for 3 years.

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I simply could help in my house. Especially in the kitchens side, every body would love to have chickens curry of my styles. Every body enjoyed eating the tasty curry. I was praised to make a curry in most of the festivals time. My family even asked to become a Chef. They didn’t know that I was first class Chef in the house only. They even didn’t know; my perceptions and pre-perceptions, conceptions and the intensions were of different one. I was more over interested in the various sides of the life. To know one self and to realize one potentiality is of great validity for me. I valued something extraordinary than any of my family members did. With that particular validity I was a head in the life to be the one and only one piece. The concept had a crystal cut clarity in them. How can I forget words of my own? Who can fiddle with the life without knowing one self? I began my adventurous journeys. I even know that, I have to have all must everything in the life. Millions and millions of people have been struggling in this world; just to survive. How have we been surviving, each of us know very clearly. With my only salary I could help my parents to pay the rent of a flat. How expensive the life have become, I never knew. Only When, I started earning the money I came to know. Our expense wasn’t high like that of the richer families. We are only a middle class family. There is nothing that you will not find, only you got to have a plenty of money with us. We missed this one. The money has stopped us in progressing a lot in the life time. Everything is counted in Kathmandu. We have become slave to the money. Actually the money is a best servant of ours, since we have become a slave to it; it will never do a good thing to us. I started thinking how; best and the easy was our life in the village. I hardly saw one thousand’s notes nothing grater than ten rupees notes or lastly fifty rupees notes, what a great amount of money I saw in my kids time. Really I don’t mean that at this time 2

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I have an extreme interest in earning the money like that of the top ten richer men and a woman in the world. Neither do I dream of becoming a richest man in the world. They will earn it before hand, these richest men and women before they spend any dollar, I have to work only thirty days to earn Rs.4000 a moth by working 4 hours a day. Rest of my hours will be spending in a collage and trainings. This boy earns only 2-3 hundreds a day; working whole day. After all it depends up on the customers how kind they are. I delved in it and thought that I have a life but not a meaning in it. I even came to think and re-think that I have to create an opportunities by myself, then to go after looking for the chances in the offices. What an offensive I was in finding the solutions to the life. I fiddled with everything that I could. What else I didn’t do it. Neither I have to deny nor have I to affirm. I can see lot of individuals have been dying like a rat and dogs. On the right time I have decided to be some one. A decision is made once not twice.fro this I have to have self sacrifice, self restrains and self sufferings to the achievements as I wanted and desired. I know it well all those people who sacrificed theirs principles then the money. They always liked to have the principles and the ideas in them so that they have been ruling the world. Just to rule the world is not a simple means of doing it so, one really have to transfer one self. Urgent, important and the entertainments are the side of the life that makes us does every thing in the life what was impossible. We were wrong in making the decisions. 20% people go after the urgent like to pick up the phone calls or the meting up the people so that they could chat and castigate the opposite’s one. Better conversions and the beautiful face have nothing to do with the futures carrier. 75% of the individuals have a mood of making full entertainments in the life. So they spend whole life doing nothing. Life is not a 3

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joke at all. Where as 5% people in the world the entertaining work does as they do is. They enjoy the work what they do. Only 5% have ruled the world. I started calling like this” many educated fools are in the world. I saw lot of struggles in the world politically, economically, religiously, scientifically and intellectually. Nehru, Gandhi who sacrificed theirs life to get rid of the British rule. All the despotic rules and regulations had to be thrown in the garbage only for the name of the freedoms. These men and women weren’t extraordinary one. We watched so many movies and we even have a favorite’s actor and actress. Mostly we are influenced by them. We have become the victims over the fashion. Did we even think about being a great actor or an actress? No, never thought about it. We wanted to be entertained and that is enough for us. None of us could ever become Michel Jackson, Pele, Benazir Bhutto, Buddha and lots of people have ruled us. As like the singer, players, politicians, economist, and scientist many have done countable things in the world. Did we ever did discover or invented anything in the world no, not ever? Automatically everything changed in me. I am a lady of introvert feelings within me. My brother went to an abroad to earn. It is the evident and the incident changed me a lot. I felt really lonely at my heart. I never thought him to go and work in an abroad. For a year I stayed quite. I had curious feeling to be in an abroad. Just like him to earn and to be independent. I felt so lonely that I only could realize them. My inner heart provoked me a lot to be with him. We really loved each other so much; we never felt like to be a part. I never asked my dad or mum to be a pm of a country. I neither asked them to send me in March. However my desires weren’t 4

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fulfilled at all. Simultaneously I asked my dad to send me to U.S.A for dance competitions. It was a rap dance competitions’ was happy to dance and make my country name proud. All my desires were articulated in the mails. First my brother didn’t like it. First thing the cost for the visa, tickets, and to stay in u.s.a is not easy. He thought like this. Latter I made him understand and convinced him a lot; still he was full of doubt and didn’t like it. Latter he wrote me like this” you do as you like, all I need to see your futures to be bright and you must not suffer at all again like that of the childhoods.” Only I have to make understand was my dad and mum. I could lie any one in this world, except my brother. My dance teacher was supportive to me. He even decided to help me. We were 5 girls going to U.S.A. we were mailing to each other almost every day. Lastly dad as well send me his account number to be used by me.Everythings was done. Now again I was in trouble. Actually I decided to stay illegally in u.s.a. I know that dad and brother was fade of up me. Because it was not theirs intentions .what they might have thought about me regarding my futures, still I was an obstinate girl. They have swallowed what I have done to them. They tried to make me understand as far as possible was. They didn’t leave the options. Still, I didn’t let my heart feel the sadness about it. I went to American embassy in Kathmandu. I even gave an interview hope of passing it. Everything I did. So many problems were on the way. I masticated lot of struggles in the life time. Finally I had to have some of the balanced in the accounts. So I thought of getting it illegally .my dad didn’t have so much of the money .only options was to keep our loving house in the lease. I didn’t like it the idea of keeping a house in the lease. I wasn’t going for my studies. How was to get the money was my questions? My brother earned only 300$in u.a.e. I never expected 5

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his money to be spending in my visits in u.s.a for a week. So I gave up going to usa. This time also I failed in my dreams. My brother explained me so much lastly. He didn’t insult me. It was the good side of him, which I liked so much. I was never hopeless by the way. However my brother told me that I was hopeless. He seems to be right. However I never gave my hope of feelings. I was selfish by the way. In the present world each and every one of us are selfish. I was not an exception. What else would I do? Without informing any in the house; I took an initiative myself. This is the stupidity that, I have been doing again and again. My narcissistic habits really troubled my family all the time. It was not the first time I ever did like this. Almost I failed in the life; which I keep thinking. When, I failed in grade 11 First times in only one subject. Those made me go further in the futures. So, I had to take certain initiatives. Studying didn’t favor me. I had only one concept that is to work in the abroad likes my brother. Forget about studying and earnings. To earn and to save the money was a good idea. For me to think randomly is not a big thing, I don’t go on thinking like those of great thinker, philosophers. Yet! My thinking is as good as those of greater scientist or the philosophers. First failure was my ever failure I went on taking it. My life became more disadvantages to me. Why did I accept like that I myself didn’t know? I neither showed any negligence in doing any of the exams or that of the things which can’t be taken as a grant. My mind was not stable. It was moving like the sea, wind, river and the floods. Fluctuating mind really gave me a lot of trouble. It shows that mind was full of flummoxed. Was I wrong or my family who told me not going to USA? Who was wrong? I accepted myself being wrong. My mind was prepared struggle in any case to be in an abroad. All I wanted to do was to show the society that being a girl I too can do better than a man. 6

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My mind wasn’t frozen like the Mt.Everest or the dry Arabian deserts in the world. So much of fertilized mind I have it, that no one can imagine. I am expressing it truly in the world. Not only once I challenged myself in order to progress. Self a progress was my topics to gain it. In any case I wanted to be successful person one way or the other ways. Be it in the abroad or in within the nations. I was not happy with my earnings. Though, I was never given a chance to earn the money. They never asked me to earn my livelihood. But, my curiosity made all the confrontations come in our lives. I kept on trying to ensure myself that I will be in a best position. I took next step to be in an abroad. They didn’t invective me so much. Only, my parents did was pursued me so much like a kid to me. I learned dance like any other ladies in the contemporary fashions. Within two months I earned them. Like those great actor and actress in the world, thinking I too can dance similar to them. My offensive attitude made dad and a mum upset. My brother used to send me as much money I requested. Within 6months he gave me Rs.75 thousand which means 1500$ .this much amount is very big money to every Nepalese. I used so randomly I can’t details tell my dad. He never asked me about the money he gave to me. That was the mistake he made I think so. He loved me so much. However I never thought of getting profits by the love he showed me. So I stated taking next step to be in Japan. To be in a dance restaurant where I didn’t had to pay single penny. I tried to entice my family about it. As they slowly understood, whole of them refused so often, I never thought. They didn’t want me to be a dancer in a restaurant, rather they would die starving but never will they allow me to do so. To go was free of cost. What they told me was I would be sexually abused by Japanese. They were right. Yet! I was ready to go .how much I hurt them I know it well, 7

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except me no one less. My family didn’t hurt me not even scolded me. My thinking was like foams that every second it emerged. My parents remained so silent, though I hurt them so much as deeply as the sea and as high as the galaxies .still they loved me so much. I ‘m, very much shameful to them. My parents and specially my brother told me like this” you have become hopeless, and become fools by the way.” it was enough for me, to think clearly. They didn’t want to lose me. I am only the daughter in the house. I am the pride of a house. This is how they take me .it doesn’t mean that my family are of old contemporaries’. The contemplative side can be like this they are the one who cares about me and showed full of affections. My cognitive emotions made me fools .my selfishness made me hurt them. All my desires did everything and unnecessary thinking created it so, how can I hurt them?

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