Grvpd

1st Edition

The

I.R.D.A. In conjunction with the

United Raptor Widows Fund Presents

The Guide to Raptor Violence Prevention & Defense Written by Max R. Roberts and Michael T. Wood

Dedicated to

Dr. Alan Grant, Ph.D. for his monumental efforts aiding the cause of Raptor education and awareness.

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What is the I.R.D.A.? The International Raptor Defense Alliance, or I.R.D.A., is a not-for-profit organization founded by dinosaur researchers and enthusiasts Max R. Roberts and Michael T. Wood in the interest of diffusing information to the public educating about the dangers Raptors pose to humanity, methods of defending against attacks, and ways to prevent altercations between Raptors and humans. In conjunction with the United Raptor Widows Fund, a charity organization that provides support to women widowed due to Raptor attacks, the I.R.D.A. has compiled this guide in an effort to reduce Raptor Attack fatalities, which are the second leading cause of death worldwide, directly following heart disease (it should be noted that the numbers for heart disease do not separate the considerable number of heart attacks caused by Raptors, and if these numbers were included in the Raptor fatality count, the Raptor numbers would be much higher).

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Part 1: Know The Enemy 1.1 Physical Characteristics Dromaeosaurids, or Raptors, are a family of bipedal dinosaurs that is currently responsible for more worldwide fatalities annually than any other animal. They are characterized by their long stiff tails, long skulls, upturned snouts, large, sickle-shaped toe claws, and an unusual desire to kill humans (See Fig. 1.1). Raptors come in sizes ranging from approximately .5m to 2m.

Figure 1.1

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1.2 Types of Raptors Raptors come in many shapes and sizes, but all share an overwhelming desire to hunt and devour humans. Many varieties of Raptors have been identified, such as: •

Acillobator

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Neuquenraptor

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Adasaurus

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Pyroraptor

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Atrociraptor

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Sauronitholestes

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Bambiraptor

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Sinornithosaurus

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Buitreraptor

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Shanang

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Cryptovolans

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Tsaagan

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Deinonychus

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Unenlagia

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Dromaeosaurus

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Utaraptor

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Graciliraptor

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Variaraptor

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Microraptor

•

Velociraptor

Keep in mind that these are only the Raptors that have been identified; many more varieties may exist which have simply never left any survivors to describe them.

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1.3 Hunting Behavior The Raptor hunting method is by far the most effective in the entire animal kingdom. The Raptor strategy is so effective that other carnivores have been observed watching and studying raptor techniques in order to increase the effectiveness of their own hunt. Raptors hunt in packs in order to ambush prey, and are known to form equilateral triangles around their quarries (See Fig. 1.2) Traditionally, one Raptor will expose itself visually to its Figure 2.2 prey to distract the human’s attention (Raptor A). While the prey is focused on the exposed Raptor, it will suddenly be attacked by the two Raptors hiding in the brush that he didn’t even know were there (Raptors B and C). Raptors in hiding are indistinguishable from their surroundings (see left). However, sometimes Raptors will hunt solo. They know that humans are aware of their pack hunting, and they enjoy seeing the look of surprised terror on a human’s face as the exposed Raptor (A) suddenly turns and leaps directly at the prey. It is this sadistic sense of humor that ultimately makes the Raptor the most dangerous predator on Earth.

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1.4 Intelligence The Raptor is by far the most cunning of any predator on the planet. Raptors have been known to understand human speech, open doors, operate simple vehicles, and even imitate human vocalizations to lure hiding prey into the open. The Raptor brain, as illustrated in figure 1.3, is much larger in proportion to its body than any other dinosaur. Also apparent in Fig. 1.3 is the Raptor’s oversized Evil lobes, which provides a biological basis for its propensity for malicious acts.

Figure 3.3

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1.5 Personality The personality of the Raptor is characterized by fierce loyalty to its own kind and a deep-seeded resentment towards humans in general. Raptors typically spend their days scheming, plotting, and planning the downfall of all things homo sapiens. Many myths have circulated about the presence or lack of emotion in the Raptor personality; these are addressed in Part 3. Several foolhardy psychologists have attempted to formally test a number of captive Raptors, but all of these attempted studies of the Raptor psyche have resulted in maulings, disembowelments, and/or devourings. Therefore, all of the assumptions made about the Raptor personality are deduced from observing their behaviors. As a whole, Raptors tend to be aggressive, antagonistic, vindictive, malicious, malevolent, pernicious, opinionated, spiteful, pugnacious, quarrelsome, rancorous, egocentric, wrathful, offensive, villainous, sarcastic, sinister, xenophobic, belligerent, loathsome, obscene, duplicitous, and altogether unpleasant. Perhaps because of this it is lucky that no one close to a Raptor ever lives long enough to engage in a conversation with one.

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1.6 Territory The Raptor territory is wide-ranging, and Raptors are fiercely territorial, so humans are advised to avoid the areas most frequented by Raptors as much as possible. Studies into Raptor territorialism have produced the PenbrookeWigfield Scale, named for naturalists Dr. Nigel Penbrooke and Prof. Ernst Wigfield, who greatly advanced research into the territorial characteristics of Raptors. Sadly, both men were killed in the line of duty after greatly underestimating the speed at which a sleeping Raptor can awaken and attack. The P-W Scale takes geographical and numerical information and feeds both into a complex algorithm, producing another numerical value, which is assigned a color denoting risk of an attack in the region. This data, now compiled for every square inch of the Earth, is represented in figure 1.4.

Figure 4.4 -8-

Part 2: Defend Yourself 2.1 Defending Yourself at Home Your home is ultimately the best place to be in the event of a Raptor encounter. However, inadequately fortified homes will only become an impediment to the Raptors. Properly secured homes will be able to repel them completely. First, the main point of entry, the door, should be the most heavily secured. Heavy Metal doors with strong hinges are

Figure 2.1

preferable, but thick wooden ones are less costly, more aesthetically pleasing, and work just about as well (Fig. 2.1) Windows should be as small and high as possible, and all should be secured with double-paned storm windows and heavy iron or steel bars. The bars should be spaced closer together than the width of the average Raptor’s head. An ideal window grille is depicted Figure 2.2

in figure 2.2. Make sure to keep your home well stocked with gas,

food, water, and medical supplies in case you are fortified in your home for extended periods of time. Also keep your home stocked with armaments in case Raptors breach your barricade and you are forced to fight them off. Suitable armaments include guns, axes, bows and arrows, tire irons, swords, soldering irons, golf clubs, knives, cricket/baseball bats or boiling oil.

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2.2 Defending Yourself in an Automobile Generally, an automobile is not the ideal place to be to protect one’s self from Raptors, but it is better than nothing. If options are available, secure a sport utility vehicle or a truck with a large cab, as these vehicles tend to be more sturdily built. If none are available, a sedan, station wagon, or van is the best defense. Sports cars and luxury cars are only to be used as a last resort, as they are the lightest and least secure of any automobile. Upon entering the automobile, the most important thing to do is lock the doors. Many people forget this vital information and are killed when the Raptor easily opens the door by the handle. After the locks are secured, make sure accessories like moon roofs are closed and locked, and lie down on the floor as far away from windows as you can. If possible, move under the seats, but only if there is enough room for you to quickly escape if the vehicle is breached. If you are in possession of the keys to the vehicle you have barricaded yourself in, only attempt to drive away if there are less than three Raptors. Any more and you risk a window breach as you sit in the driver’s seat. If there are three or more Raptors and you have keys, only turn on the car if there is a serious risk of heatstroke or hypothermia. Keeping the battery charged and the tank full of gas is imperative if you intend to try and drive away at a later time. Be sure to scout out the vehicle for supplies and defensive armaments that might be useful.

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2.4 Defending Yourself in the Water The water, surprisingly, is an area for Raptor encounters with a substantial survival rate: 26%! Because a Raptor’s tail is stiff, the Raptor is unable to lash it from side to side the way a crocodile would. The tail remains straight out from the Raptor’s body, offering no propulsion, so the Raptor is forced to doggy-paddle through the water with its legs and forearms. In addition, the swimming Raptor isn’t maneuverable at all, again, thanks to the stiff tail creating drag as the beast tries to turn. It is for this reason that the most effective way to escape a Raptor in the water is to swim in a sort of irregular zigzag pattern, forcing the Raptor to constantly adjust his angle (fig 2.3). Because the Raptor knows that he is not adept at swimming, Raptors depend on the element of surprise to attack while lurking in various bodies of water. Here, they use their natural Figure 2.3

coloring and patience to leap forth

from small water plants, like in figure 2.4, and due to

Figure 2.4

this camouflage, they more dangerous in the water while hidden, but easier to elude once the Raptor is no longer concealed.

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2.5 Defending Yourself in the Open (Parks, streets, fields, et cetera) Generally speaking, being out in the open with no structures or vehicles to barricade yourself in is the worst possible place to be. Seriously. Why were you there in the first place? You’d be in better shape in open water with a Raptor. Oh well, if you find yourself in this situation, there are some things you can do to help keep all of your limbs in tact, although the chances of survival are slim. First, scout the area and move towards high ground. Avoid tall grass at all costs. Tall grass is a Raptor’s favorite place to stalk prey, for reasons illustrated in figure 2.5. If possible, move to the tallest, most isolated tree in the area and climb as far up as you can. Figure 2.5 This is a picture of a Raptor hunting

Raptors have difficulty climbing isolated trees, and the high vantage point will allow you

to see Raptors approaching. If you are in a cluster of trees, the Raptors may be able to scale them by leaping off of other trees and into yours; therefore, isolated, elevated trees are a must. Once in the tree, there isn’t really much you can do, except wait for the Raptors to leave. Raptors are very patient, so this may take a while. Try and find a tree with some sort of non-toxic fruit to sustain yourself during the lengthy waiting period.

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Part 3: Frequently Asked Questions •Do Raptors fear fire? No. This is a preposterous notion. Raptors do not know fear. •Aren’t Raptors extinct? That’s just what they want you to think. •Can Raptors open doorknobs? Of course they can. An animal with more than 50 million years of experience cannot be stopped by something as simple as a doorknob. The only way this would possibly slow a Raptor down is if the Raptor was alone, as the lack of thumbs would make it slightly difficult to operate the mechanism. However, Raptors are highly adept at working together, so doorknobs are no problem at all if the Raptor has a partner or two, which they most often will, as they are pack hunters. •Are Raptors just emotionless killing machines? No, Raptors experience a wide range of emotions: hatred, disdain, loathing, revulsion, spite, contempt, malice, enmity, disgust, aggression, and general undirected animosity. The killing machine part is pretty much on the money, though. •Is there such a thing as “Raptor Season?” Yes. Raptor Season is all the time.

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•Is 10 m/s a Raptor’s top speed? Undetermined. 10 meters per second is simply the speed at which Raptors choose to pursue humans. After all, the average human can only run about 6 or 7 meters per second, so why would a Raptor need to run any faster? •Isn’t it true that Raptors actually have feathers? This is partially true. A small number of Raptors, like the one in figure 3.1, choose to wear feathers to fool humans. These clever beasts attempt to trick humans into mistaking them for large birds, or to appear less threatening to infants and children. However, most Raptors think feathers look pretty dumb and choose not to wear them. •T. Rex is the best dinosaur ever!!

Figure 3.1

That is a statement, not a question. •Okay, isn’t the T. Rex the most fearsome dinosaur ever? No. Raptors are. They simply allow T. Rex to bask in the spotlight because they choose to be more secretive about their dinosaurian supremacy. Also, even they have to admit that T. Rex is pretty fearsome, just not as fearsome as they are.

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Special thanks to: • Randall Munroe of XKCD Comics, for inspiring this Guide, which will aid countless numbers against the impending Raptor threat. • Dr. Michael Crichton, for educating the public about Raptors and the dangers they pose to humanity in such novels as Jurassic Park and The Lost World. • Dr. Henry Fairfield Osborn, for discovering and naming the most famous dromaeosaurid, Velociraptor. • The United Raptor Widows Fund, whose charitable contributions help heal the wounds Raptors have torn into families all over the word. • And to everyone who has given their life in the name of Raptor research – you will be missed.

** Please note, the authors of this guide accept no responsibility if the methods described herein fail to adequately defend you whilst you are attacked by a raptor. In actuality, no true raptor defense exists. If confronted by one, you will probably die.**

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