Gilmore Girls: "public Displays"

Gilmore Girls “Public Displays” by T. Alex Miller

T. Alex Miller 5916 N. Las Virgenes Rd., #679 Calabasas, CA 91302 818-880-8761

FADE IN: EXT-MORNING-SIDEWALK OUTSIDE LUKE’S COFFEE SHOP LORELAI No, I’m sorry my dear, Lynyrd Skynyrd is NOT a country band. RORY But c’mon: Sweet Home Alabama? What could be more country than that? (affecting Southern accent) “Carry me home ta see ma kin.” LORELAI One song about the south does not a country band make. Lynyrd Skynyrd was, and actually still is -- if you discount the fact that most of the band members are dead -- a country rock band, not a country band. RORY Oh, important distinction. Excuse me. It’s like confusing The Cure with The Fixx. LORELAI Exactly. Or Journey with Boston ... RORY Elvis Costello with Joe Jackson ... LORELAI Now hey, big difference there! RORY The Cure, The Fixx ... LORELAI Bagels and bialis ... RORY What’s a biali? LORELAI Like a dusty bagel without a hole.

(CONTINUED)

2. CONTINUED: Fabulous.

RORY INT-MORNING-LUKE’S They enter the coffee shop where LUKE is in his morning rush frenzy, compounded by the fact that an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN is taking pictures of him as he works. LUKE (off their incredulous looks) Don’t ask. LORELAI I have to ask. LUKE I’m telling you, don’t ask! RORY We must know! LORELAI C’mon Luke, what’s going on? Who’s Annie Leibowitz over here? RORY Did you win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes or something? JOHN STOCKTON, late 20s, appears behind them. JOHN You ladies of Stars Hollow just don’t realize what a treasure you have here in Mr. Danes and his bistro. LORELAI Mr. Danes? Bistro? JOHN Hi, John Stockton, Hartford Courant. RORY Oh, hey, you’re the color feature guy! Cool. The what?

LORELAI

(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED: RORY Color features. Every Sunday. A different story about something cool or off the beaten track in New England. Great stuff. (to JOHN) You write with a certain whimsy that’s as stylized as it is lugubrious. (off Lorelai’s look) Paris’s description. JOHN Ah, an adoring fan, I think. I’m really warming to this town. And this is Mitzi, my partner, my eyes, if you will. MITZI is adjusting Luke’s baseball cap, fussing over his appearance. He’s tolerating it. She breaks off when introduced. RORY (shaking Mitzi’s hand) I will. Nice to meet you. LORELAI (cooly) Nice to meet you ... Mitzi. MITZI Usually it’s a big hassle photographing a guy who refuses to take off his hat, but since Luke wears his backwards, his scruffy cuteness can shine forth, like a beacon. LORELAI Oh, hey, well Beacon Boy, tell us about the PR agent who set this up for you. LUKE Not now Lorelai. Still gotta make the donuts. And he’s off, with Mitzi in hot pursuit snapping away. Rory follows. Lorelai sits, John joins her.

(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED: JOHN Actually, this week’s piece was supposed to be about an old woman in Darien who makes terra cotta lawn gnomes based on Star Wars characters. LORELAI Good grief. JOHN But she broke her hip. Oh, sad.

LORELAI JOHN Yeah. So is Luke a friend of yours? LORELAI You could say that. JOHN Could I say we’re friends? LORELAI (a bit surprised) You could say I’ve known you for, like, 34 seconds. 40 now. Goody. 45

JOHN LORELAI JOHN LORELAI Stop that. And stop taking notes. JOHN What? It’s my job. By next week, Luke’s business will have tripled. LORELAI I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. But hey, just don’t tell him about the, the lady in Milford with the broken leg and the elves. (CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: (2) JOHN Darien. Hip. Gnomes. LORELAI Whatever. Although that wouldn’t be a bad name for a lounge act: The Hip Gnomes. (off the appearance of JESS) Uh oh. What? Nothing.

JOHN LORELAI She GESTURES FRANTICALLY to Rory, who QUICKLY MOVES TO HEAD JESS OFF. She gives him a peck on the cheek. RORY Hey, you, man. Walk, now. JESS Uh, OK, woman. Me go. Rory leads him out the door. JOHN What was all that about? LORELAI Oh, um, young love or something. JOHN (suspiciously) Really? LORELAI Don’t be deceived, Mr. Lugubrious. This town’s more complex than you think. (off her empty cup) Must ... have ... coffee! (off Luke’s preoccupation with Mitzi) ...and the service here stinks. Uh, I mean, not usually, but Luke’s not used to being treated like a swimsuit model. She rises and crosses to counter with John in tow.

(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED: (3) JOHN Please don’t call me Mr. Lugubrious. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES END OF TEASER

(CONTINUED)

7. CONTINUED:

ACT ONE EXT./EST. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE - MORNING We find RORY and JESS walking JESS So what was all that about? RORY Luke’s being interviewed by the newspaper. JESS Really? What, is he in trouble or something? Cool. RORY No, Jess, he’s not in trouble. It’s a good thing. It’s going to be a story in the Courant about how Luke’s is, y’know, like a hidden gem or something. A place you should visit for coffee while you’re antiquing on the weekend. JESS I’m not comfortable with “antique” being perverted into a verb. RORY I don’t like it either. But it is what it is. JESS (realization sinks in) Ahhhh ... and you hustled me out of there before I could say something awful and ruin my uncle’s 15 minutes of fame. RORY Guilty as charged. JESS You know, I do have some discretion. (off her skeptical look) But, OK, it might have been ... (MORE) (CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: JESS (CONT'D) difficult for me to, y’know, not um ... RORY ...make some really biting, sarcastic comments that would make readers of the Hartford Courant think Luke is some kind of fraud and Stars Hollow a hotbed of malcontents? JESS Always assuming the worst. (beat) Why are you here? RORY Well, Stars Hollow is home, I’m not 18 yet, still love my mom ... JESS No, not that. I mean here, with me. The malcontent. RORY Oh. Ah. That question. JESS Yes, that question. RORY The ol’ “why do you like me?” Yes.

JESS RORY Or, more to the point, do you like me. Maybe. Probably. Well? Well what?

JESS RORY JESS RORY JESS Don’t be coy. (CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED: (2) RORY I must be coy. I’m a girl. (off his look) OK, I’m sorry. (deep breath, then quickly) I do like you, Jess. A lot. But I don’t understand why you are like you are. I think I get where your anger comes from with your whole family situation, but I don’t get the, the constant shoulder chip thing, like whoever happens to be around you is somehow partly responsible for whatever, your unhappy childhood or your painful transition to adulthood. JESS Wow. You’ve thought about this. This is like “a topic” for you. RORY Well, yeah. I’m dating you and I care about you and I don’t understand you and I don’t exactly understand why I like you but I do and I think you like me and so here I am just babbling away hoping somehow this makes some kind of sense. JESS It does. I think. I’ll bet I’m a little tougher than Dean to figure out. RORY Well, there is the theory long held by women that all men are nuts. JESS On the guy side, there’s some thinking along those lines about women. So ... about Dean? RORY What about Dean? JESS Are you over him? RORY Oh, that one. (CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: (3) JESS Why do you make it sound like you’ve been in several hundred relationships before? RORY I have. Just vicariously through books, TV and movies. And my mom. JESS Oh, so it’s all old hat. You’re the pro, the ol’ salty dog of relationships. That’s me!

RORY JESS So answer the question, o wise and salty one. RORY I’m with you now. Dean’s in the past. JESS So you’re not over him. RORY That’s not what I said. JESS It’s what you meant. RORY So you say. Is that what you want to hear, that I’m not over Dean? JESS You’re not. RORY (beat) OK, I’m not. Not entirely. It hasn’t been that long, we were together for a while ... I knew it.

JESS RORY But Jess, that doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean we can’t ... (MORE) (CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED: (4) RORY (CONT'D) aaagghh! Words not working! Book learning useless! JESS It’s OK. I get it. I get it just fine. Hard to compete with the boy scout. Jess storms off, leaving Rory open-mouthed, standing in the middle of the square. CUT TO: INT-GILMORE MANSION-NIGHT Lorelai and Rory are being admitted by the MAID. LORELAI Hi, we’re the daughter and grand ... hey, you look familiar! MAID Yes. Mrs. Gilmore, she’s giving me another chance. She says I’m (quoting) “the least inept servant she’s had in years.” Even though I used the wrong wood polish on the 16h century escritoire. RORY Well, who needs a perfectly burnished escritoire anyway? LORELAI Who needs an escritoire? Didn’t they go out with chamber pots? EMILY enters EMILY Lorelai! Rory! Don’t stand there chattering with the help, come on to dinner! She turns on her heel and disappears. LORELAI (to maid) Well, welcome back. We’re pulling for you, if this is what you want.

(CONTINUED)

12. CONTINUED: RORY They probably have odds on you on the board in Vegas by now. MAID Thanks. I like a challenge. LORELAI God bless you, my child. CUT TO: INT-GILMORE MANSION DINING ROOM-MOMENTS LATER Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are seated at the table eating. EMILY So, Rory, how are things at Chilton? RORY OK, if you put aside the fact that I’ll never fit in until I play field hockey. RICHARD Good god, field hockey. Never a lady’s sport, in my opinion. LORELAI Well, neither is luge or rugby or masonry. Masonry?

EMILY RICHARD I don’t get your point. LORELAI Me neither. RICHARD (confused) Well, fitting in, that’s something we all deal with at, at different times in our lives. True dat.

RORY

(CONTINUED)

13. CONTINUED: EMILY Yes, Richard is still trying to figure out how to fill up his days. RICHARD Isn’t it amazing, us humans, always needing to be entertained, to be busy. Would that I were a house cat or a springer spaniel, happy to go from food bowl to nap and back to food bowl. LORELAI With perhaps a quick toilet slurp thrown in to liven things up. RICHARD Well, your scatological reference notwithstanding, the metaphor is apt. LORELAI (elated) Yay! I made a metaphor! RICHARD I need some toilets to slurp. EMILY Oh, Richard! LORELAI God I wish I’d had a tape recorder on when you said that! RICHARD (switching gears) Rory, have you read D.H. Lawrence’s account of his time in Italy? RORY Nope. Just “Sons and Lovers” so far. Why? RICHARD Oh, no reason. I was just thinking of Italy lately. Seems like it’d be a good place to retire, where no one expects anything of you. (in reverie) (MORE) (CONTINUED)

14. CONTINUED: (2) RICHARD (CONT'D) Nap to food bowl and back again, amongst the olive trees. Motoring to the market once a day on an ancient Ducati, Vivaldi on an equally ancient phonograph. Flies buzzing lazily against the window ... LORELAI Ho-kay. Earth to Dad? RICHARD (snapping out of it) Oh! Excuse me a moment. Richard ABRUPTLY EXITS. The women look at each other. EMILY This is what I’ve been dealing with now. He’s gone from being depressed about not working anymore to these, these flights of fancy. Retiring in Italy! Imagine getting good help there! Then he wanders off without a word. LORELAI I believe he did excuse himself. RORY I thought it was kind of cool. Very poetic, romantic. EMILY At your grandfather’s age? Poetry and romance are for the young. LORELAI Yes, must not deviate from counting the silverware and perfecting those hospital corners. EMILY Oh, you know what I mean. (beat) Lorelai...? LORELAI No. A thousand times no. EMILY But I haven’t even ... (CONTINUED)

15. CONTINUED: (3) LORELAI ...asked me to take Dad on a field trip or to have him be my shadow again? I’m still recovering from the last time. And so is Michel. EMILY I’m not asking you to take him. I’d just like you to do a little research. Research?

RORY EMILY Yes. Rory, you can help. Find out what other dignified, wealthy retired men do to find meaning in their lives. LORELAI And stay out of their wealthy, dignified wives’ hair. EMILY Yes, that too! RORY Well, I think it’d be a fun challenge, but I’m kinda swamped at school. LORELAI I’m way busy too, mom. (off her look) But I’ll see what I can do. EMILY Excellent! Thank you. LORELAI Yeah, well, this is gonna cost you. Oh?

EMILY LORELAI You have to keep the new maid around for at least a month. RORY Yes grandma. She’s really nice. (CONTINUED)

16. CONTINUED: (4) EMILY Why the sudden interest in my help? LORELAI Oh, just hate to see the trail of tears leading away from here all the time. Plus, she’s very very sorry about the escritoire. EMILY The escritoire! How did you know about that? RORY Oh, it’s all over town. LORELAI I came across it on the boredrich-ladies-and-their-downtroddenservants-dot-com Web site. EMILY Well, have your sport if you must, but you’ve no idea what goes into running a house like this. LORELAI True, I only run an inn with hundreds of guest a month. What would I know about running a house with only two people in it? EMILY (About to be angry) Lorelai ... (remembers her request) I’ll see what I can do. I suppose it would be nice not always to be in training mode around here. LORELAI Then it’s settled. We find something for dad to do and you and you have to be nice to the servants. EMILY I never said anything about being nice. I will let her hang around for a month, though, provided she doesn’t ruin anything else. (CONTINUED)

17. CONTINUED: (5) LORELAI Deal. I suppose you can’t expect China to clean up its human rights record overnight. EMILY China? (to Rory) China? Rory SHRUGS as we FADE TO: END OF ACT ONE

(CONTINUED)

18. CONTINUED: ACT TWO FADE IN: INT-INDEPENDENCE INN-MORNING Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk. She is on the PHONE. LORELAI (into phone) No, I don’t want sundried apricots or currants or peaches. It’s sundried tomatoes. (to MICHEL) God, where is Sookie to deal with this stuff? MICHEL She is off doing the romantic thing with the usual sundried tomato guy. LORELAI (into phone) Thank you. Yes, 5 pounds. MICHEL And here I thought sundried tomatoes were passé, like pesto and Abba. LORELAI (hanging up) Well, they’ve got them but they won’t deliver. And we’ve got to pick up 30 pounds of tater tots for the bus full of old people tomorrow. MICHEL My god, blue hairs by the busload! I quit! LORELAI (sweetly) Michel, can you please ... MICHEL My place is here, at the command center. I will watch over it well while you are errand girl. Now go! (CONTINUED)

19. CONTINUED: LORELAI So gallantry is dead. MICHEL No, just on life support. LORELAI OK, I’ll go but only if you do something for me. MICHEL Probably not, but what is it? LORELAI My father, I need you to make some calls to, I dunno, retirement homes or the AARP or something. Find out what we can have my dad do so he doesn’t drive my mother crazy and move to Italy to ride old motorcycles and write bad poetry. MICHEL Your father? In Italy! On a motorcycle? (laughs heartily) That’s very touching, but I couldn’t possibly. Very busy. LORELAI (leaving) If you don’t, I’ll have my father spend a week here teaching you good customer service. MICHEL I will have a list by this afternoon. Devil woman! LORELAI I prefer “Sundried Tomato Queen.” Lorelai EXITS out the door as we CUT TO: INT-MORNING-LUKE’S Lorelai enters, looks around. It’s just LUKE and JESS, who’s assiduously CLEANING THE STOVE. LORELAI What, no adoring press today? (CONTINUED)

20. CONTINUED: LUKE No, they got all they needed. They were in a hurry to get back and do the story. Some kind of deadline. LORELAI Well, when the gnomes let you down, you’ve got to hustle. Huh?

LUKE LORELAI Hey, place looks dead. Wanna drive with me to get some sundried tomatoes? LUKE I don’t use sundried tomatoes. LORELAI Well, duh. But I could use the company. LUKE Alright. Jess, you’re in charge. LORELAI Don’t get drunk with all the power, Jess. (off LUKE’s look) He could get crazy and offer people sprouts or something. CUT TO: INT-INDEPENDENCE INN-MOMENTS LATER Michel is ON THE PHONE MICHEL Yes, he is an old, rich and annoying American with nothing to do. What does your retirement villa offer? (writing) Shuffleboard, I don’t know what this is but OK. Bridge club, god help us all. Auto repair class? No, I don’t think this is a good fit. Good luck renting to the trailer people. (CONTINUED)

21. CONTINUED: He HANGS UP. CUT TO: INT-LORELAI’S CAR-MOMENTS LATER LORELAI What’s with Jess? The moping I get, but cleaning the stove? LUKE He’s confused about women. It helps him somehow. I can’t argue with it. LORELAI Confused about women would mean confused about Rory, right? LUKE I guess. He doesn’t say much to me. LORELAI He doesn’t have to. Cleaning the stove -- the poor little heartless wretch is in love! Whatever.

LUKE LORELAI And he’s jealous. LUKE Let me guess: Dean? LORELAI Bingo. Somehow I don’t think Jess is the type to take interlopers of any kind very well. LUKE So Rory’s not talking to you either? LORELAI I just got the basic outline. He thinks she’s not over Dean yet. LUKE How could she be? It hasn’t been that long. (CONTINUED)

22. CONTINUED: LORELAI Exactly! And that’s what you, as a guy, need to tell your nephew. LUKE Oh, no! Leave me out of this. LORELAI He needs like a father-son chat, Luke. LUKE Listen Lorelai, I don’t know that I’m ... He is interrupted by the figure of TAYLOR, SPRAWLING OVER THE HOOD OF THE CAR as they stop at a stop sign. LORELAI Taylor! Good god, you’re the last person I’d expect to be carjacked by! Taylor crosses to Lorelai’s window TAYLOR Lorelai! Luke! You’ve got to see it! It’s HORRIBLE! What?

LORELAI LUKE What’s horrible? TAYLOR The art, the, the, the sculpture. The thing we commissioned and spent $15,000 on! LORELAI Oh, right. The angel of Star’s Hollow or something, right? TAYLOR It’s supposed to be installed in the square this week, but it’s HORRIBLE! LORELAI Oh, Taylor, it can’t be that bad.

(CONTINUED)

23. CONTINUED: (2) TAYLOR Oh yes it can! It’s nothing like what the sketches looked like. This artist, this charlatan, his work will be the ruin of Stars Hollow. LUKE This I gotta see. What, is the angel wearing a thong or something? TAYLOR I wish! Underwear would be an improvement! LORELAI (to LUKE) I’m amazed Taylor knows a thong is underwear. TAYLOR You two, you must come to our emergency session tonight. 7 o’clock. Our future rests on it! We see him scurry off and ACCOST ANOTHER CAR behind them. LORELAI Suddenly, leaving town seems like a good thing. LUKE Do we have to come back? LORELAI I guess it depends how long we can live on 5 pounds of sundried tomatoes and 30 pounds of tater tots. CUT TO: INT-INDEPENDENCE INN-AFTERNOON Michel, looking very uncomfortable, is interviewing MRS. DOHERTY, a frumpy middle-aged woman, in the living room. MRS. DOHERTY So this Mr. Gilmore, what are his interests?

(CONTINUED)

24. CONTINUED: MICHEL I don’t know. Money. Big houses. J. Press I suppose. He likes sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. MRS. DOHERTY And he’s rich, you say? Filthy.

MICHEL MRS. DOHERTY Well, he certainly doesn’t sound like a candidate for a retirement home like Sunnyville, Mr. Gerard. MICHEL I know that. I was just wondering if you might have some ideas about what retired people do to, to fill out their days before they die. And no shuffleboard! MRS. DOHERTY Mr. Gerard, retired people are not horses to be put out to pasture, or numbers on a page waiting just to die! MICHEL Oh, but they are! This is why I hope to die young. To spare myself the existential dread of having outlived my usefulness. It’s all so horrible. MRS. DOHERTY (rising) Mr. Gerard, that was an excellent cup of tea, but you are a truly horrible young man. You should come by Sunnyville sometime and see that it’s not just “God’s waiting room.” Good day. She EXITS MICHEL God’s waiting room. That’s a good one. CUT TO:

25.

INT-STARS HOLLOW TOWN HALL-EVENING Taylor is standing before a capacity crowd. In front is a large item covered with sheets. Next to it stands the artist, CHESTERFIELD. He is a study in stereotype: beret, pointy goatee, black clothes, wire-rimmed glasses. Late 20s. Lorelai, Rory and Luke sit in the audience. LORELAI That’s the artist? RORY He’s cute. In a slightly hilarious way. LORELAI It looks like he went into a uniform store and asked for the artist’s ensemble. RORY Yes. Um, I’d like to see your impressionist package ... TAYLOR Good evening and thank you for coming at the last minute to this extremely important meeting. We’re here tonight to talk about Mr. Chesterfield and his $15,000 boondoggle. CHESTERFIELD (softly) It’s not “Mr. Chesterfield.” Just “Chesterfield.” (mostly to himself) One name, one vision. TAYLOR (not hearing this, gesturing to drawings on an easel. They show a winged angel in flowing robes) As you know, we commissioned a work from Mr. Chesterfield to put in the town square. He delivered these sketches of the “Forgiving Angel” to us and we approved the project based on what we saw, WHAT WE LIKED. Now ... LUKE Here we go ... (CONTINUED)

26. CONTINUED: TAYLOR ...today, Mr. Chesterfield delivers this to us. In one motion, Taylor WHISKS THE COVERING OFF THE STATUE. It is beautiful, very much like the drawing except for one thing: The angel’s LEFT BREAST IS EXPOSED. A voluminous MURMUR of appreciation and mild shock ripples through the audience. After a moment, the townsfolk weigh in in rapid fire succession. Appalling!

MAN IN BACK BABETTE It’s beautiful! MRS. KIM Disgusting! Pornographic! MISS PATTY I love it! It reminds me of my own youth! Amid more general hubbub and commentary, we suddenly hear JESS at the back of the room. JESS Why’d he cover up one of them? I think they should both be set free. Among those snapping around to see who said this is Rory, who makes EYE CONTACT with Jess, then quickly TURNS BACK AROUND. She chooses this moment to join the discussion. CHESTERFIELD at this point is cowering sort of behind his sculpture. RORY (speaking loudly to gain attention) Excuse me! Excuse me! This man has made a beautiful work of art for our town for a very small amount of money ... TAYLOR Now Rory, $15,000 is a heck of a lot of money to pay someone to just make a sculpture ... RORY Just? Just make a sculpture? Chesterfield, how long have you been working on the Forgiving Angel? (CONTINUED)

27. CONTINUED: (2) CHESTERFIELD About eight months. RORY Any other projects? CHESTERFIELD No. I’ve been working on this exclusively. RORY And how much of the $15,000 has the town paid you so far? CHESTERFIELD $5,000. I get the rest ... well, I was supposed to get the rest today when I delivered it. RORY So this man has been working for the past eight months exclusively on the Forgiving Angel for Stars Hollow, for the grand total of $15,000, only a third of which he’s been paid so far. TAYLOR But that’s not the point. What about the nudity? RORY This sculpture was rendered in a classical style, and many classical art works show the human form in the buff, or partial buff. Has anyone seen Michelangelo's “David?” MISS PATTY I have! Well, the one in Vegas, anyway. Hoo mama! RORY Rodin’s “The Thinker,” the Venus di Milo, Ruben’s nudes ... JESS Degas’ bathers, Michelangelo's ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the works of T.R. Braithwaite ... RORY Thanks. Good examples. (CONTINUED)

28. CONTINUED: (3) JESS Playboy, Oui, Juggs, Hustler ... RORY Um, NOT good examples. TAYLOR You see?! Lump them all together and what have you got? Just shameless, prurient trash. The tourists will drop dead when they see this. LORELAI Taylor, given that most of our tourists are from big cities, I don’t think they’ll be that appalled. They’ll think she’s over-dressed. RORY And you have to take it in context. Chesterfield’s angel isn’t in a suggestive pose of any kind. LORELAI Yeah. Even guys can’t get that excited about a body part carved from alabaster. LUKE (to Lorelai) Well, speak for yourself. I’m on fire for her! Suddenly, LANE bursts in and rushes to Rory LANE Rory! You’ve got to come quick. Dean’s been taken to the emergency room. His appendix or something. Rory flings Lorelai a FRANTIC LOOK LORELAI Go! Go! I’ll defend the cause here. As she and Lane exit, Rory CATCHES THE EYE of Jess. She opens her mouth to speak, can’t think of anything to say and runs out the door. (CONTINUED)

29. CONTINUED: (4) End of Act Two

(CONTINUED)

30. CONTINUED: (5)

Act Three INT-COUNTY HOSPITAL-NIGHT Rory and Lane are in the WAITING ROOM LANE What the heck is an appendix anyway? RORY It’s part of our digestive tract. No one’s quite sure what it’s supposed to be for. LANE Well, that’s handy. RORY Scientists used to think it was a functionless part of our intestines left over from an earlier time. Like when we ate more grass or something. LANE I hate grass. RORY You’ve had grass? LANE Well, when I was a kid. RORY Anyway, they think now that the appendix has a bigger role, especially in fetuses and in people our age. Something to do with the immune system, I think. LANE So if they take Dean’s out, he’ll get more colds? RORY Uh, why don’t you ask the nurse. Here he comes. A MALE NURSE in scrubs approaches

(CONTINUED)

31. CONTINUED: NURSE Are you ladies waiting to find out about our appendectomy case tonight? RORY Yes! How is he? NURSE He’s fine. His folks are in with him now. He’ll feel like he’s been hit by a truck for a few days, but he’ll be up and around in no time. Phewww!

RORY LANE Can we go see him? NURSE Sure. Follow me. CUT TO: INT-HOSPITAL ROOM-MOMENTS LATER A groggy DEAN lies in the bed with Rory over him and Lane in the background. Hey. Hey.

RORY DEAN RORY You look ... awful. DEAN Thank you. You too. RORY Thanks. I was crying. Never a good look for a girl. DEAN Tears for me? I’m amazed. Don’t be.

RORY

(CONTINUED)

32. CONTINUED: DEAN (after an awkward silence) You don’t have to be here, Rory. I’m OK. But thanks. Dean ...

RORY DEAN It’s OK. Lane, thanks for coming. On your way out, could you send my mom back in? LANE Sure, Dean. Feel better. RORY Yes, feel better. Not quite knowing what to do, Rory TOUCHES Dean briefly on the leg, gives a weak smile and EXITS with Lane. INT-COUNTY HOSPITAL-MOMENTS LATER Rory and Lane are exiting the building RORY Well, that could’ve gone better. LANE What did you expect? Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean he forgot you dumped him. RORY I didn’t dump him. That’s such a rotten word. LANE Oh, OK. You “traded him in.” You “exchanged” him. Whatever you want to call it. RORY Lane, please don’t ... I’ve got my current boyfriend AND my exboyfriend thinking I’m a heel. The only way it could get worse is if you turn on me too. LANE Actually, there’s one other way it could get worse. (CONTINUED)

33. CONTINUED: How?

RORY LANE Look who’s standing vigil outside. We follow their gaze OUTSIDE, where Jess is leaned against a post. The two girls approach him. Hi Jess.

LANE (CONT’D) JESS So, Rory Nightingale. How’s young Dean-o? RORY You could at least acknowledge Lane’s hello. JESS You could at least not spend all your time mooning over and visiting your ex-boyfriend. “EX” being the operative prefix. RORY I never figured you for a stalker. JESS I never figured you for a ... RORY For a what? JESS Never mind. RORY Well, in that case, good night. LANE (merrily) Good night Jess! Jess SCOWLS as we CUT TO: INT-GILMORE HOUSE-LATER Lorelai is on the PHONE (CONTINUED)

34. CONTINUED: LORELAI ...and so visiting hours tomorrow start at 10? OK. But, so he’s stable and fine and everything? Great. Thank you. She HANGS UP, checks her watch, sits down and picks up a magazine. SFX: DOOR BELL Lorelai goes to the door to find an agitated MICHEL Michel!

LORELAI (CONT’D) MICHEL You must let me in! LORELAI Sure Michel, but what ... I, wow ... What?

MICHEL LORELAI You’re at my home. You’re just so out of context! It’s weird, it’s like you’re a visitor from another dimension. MICHEL I am a visitor from another dimension, the dimension known as “retirement for rich white people.” LORELAI Oh, cool! Sit down. Can I offer you a drink? I’ve got water, milk ... MICHEL Oh, right, like I would have a glass of milk. Perhaps with some Nilla Wafers. LORELAI I could mix up some Kool Aid. MICHEL I would rather chew on a sock. (CONTINUED)

35. CONTINUED: (2) LORELAI Well, OK, no drink then. Just tell me: what did you find out? MICHEL It’s really quite simple: All the places and activities available out there for old people are for the ones who are not rich. (he digs in his bag for brochures) This place, Shadyview Farms, you live on fish sticks and shuffleboard, with an occasional bridge tournament. Ewww ...

LORELAI MICHEL This one is called Mount Restive and it features its own miniature golf course and senior field day every April. One of the featured daily actitivites is making potholders. LORELAI Oh dear ... MICHEL When I spoke to this woman who says she is a retirement consultant, she told me most rich people travel during their autumn years, clogging up the roads with their recreational vehicles or taking up good beach spaces on the Riviera. LORELAI Yeah, except my dad says he’s sick of traveling from his job. He wants to relax. MICHEL Well, I don’t know how you relax and keep from being bored, but I do have one important thing to ask you. LORELAI What’s that? (CONTINUED)

36. CONTINUED: (3) MICHEL Has what I’ve done so far been enough to keep you from having your father spend more time at the inn? LORELAI Boy, I don’t know Michel ... MICHEL Please! You cannot do this to me! I will go mad if he spends his days critiquing my guest service skills. The guests love me as I am! LORELAI They do seem to appreciate your snottiness and superiority. MICHEL It is what makes them believe they are in a top-rated inn. LORELAI It IS a top-rated inn! MICHEL Yes, because of my awful attitude. (off her look) And, of course, your exceptional management skills. LORELAI OK, Michel, you’re off the hook. Go run home and dry your eyes and practice being snotty. MICHEL (happily) Oh, I don’t have to practice in front of the mirror anymore like I used to. It flows naturally from me, like the voice of Pavarotti. LORELAI Spare me. And thanks for doing that research. I never realized money could be such a handicap when it comes to retirement. Rory ENTERS as Michel EXITS. They exchange PUZZLED GLANCES. (CONTINUED)

37. CONTINUED: (4) LORELAI (CONT’D) Hey! How’s Dean? I called over there after the meeting but they said visiting hours were over, so I’m going to go tomorrow. Rory flops on the couch. Lorelai sits next to her. RORY I’m not so sure that’s a great idea. You might be tarred with the same brush. LORELAI Uh-oh. He didn’t swoon with glee when he saw you, huh? RORY No. He acted like he wished I would just disappear or something. And then Jess was waiting outside the hospital ... LORELAI Big uh-oh. And let me guess, he wasn’t holding a bouquet of roses. RORY Far from it. He’s all mad that I went to see Dean. LORELAI Can you blame him? RORY What’s this? Sticking up for Jess, the devil child? LORELAI I’m not sticking up for him Rory. I’m just ... try to see it from his perspective. People don’t like their significant others having anything to do with their exes. RORY But geez mom, he was in the hospital!

(CONTINUED)

38. CONTINUED: (5) LORELAI I know, I know. And I don’t think you did the wrong thing paying him a visit. Or maybe you did. This is a tough one. RORY “Go, go!” That’s what you told me. LORELAI Amazing though this may sound, I’m not always right. RORY It’s just so frustrating. I feel like I’m in trouble for something I didn’t really do. LORELAI Really? You made the decision to break up with Dean and be with Jess. RORY Yes, but ... LORELAI Decisions like that come with consequences. However you rationalize your actions, it’s still going to look like a betrayal to Dean. He lost a beautiful, intelligent and wonderful girlfriend, and it wasn’t because he did anything wrong. Mom ...

RORY LORELAI Hang on. And it’s not that you did anything wrong, either, Rory. You didn’t cheat on him, you told him how things were, and that’s just life. Some day, I’m sorry to say, some guy will dump you and you’ll know what it feels like. It sucks. It never seems to make sense. It hurts, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

(CONTINUED)

39. CONTINUED: (6) RORY I didn’t want to hurt him. LORELAI Of course you didn’t. But you have to realize and accept that you did, and that Dean’s never going to look at you the way he used to. The dumpee can’t ever trust the dumper once the dumping has occurred. And it’s hard for him to see you. RORY This ... is a hard lesson. LORELAI It is. You loved Dean, you may still love him. Emotions like that aren’t like light switches you can just flip on and off. You can’t help the way you feel, but you can try to manage those feelings. RORY Manage them? LORELAI Talk to Jess. Tell him the truth, that, yes, you still have feelings for Dean, but that you’re with him now and you will make him your first priority. Admit you made a mistake. RORY OK, now you’re confusing me. I thought you hated Jess. LORELAI I don’t hate Jess. I don’t hate anyone, Rory. I don’t think he’s ... how do I phrase this? ... a very good people person. And I’m still really angry with him about the whole bracelet incident. But I respect you if you say there’s something in him you want to know, and regardless of whether it’s Jess or whoever down the road, these are issues you need to figure out. (CONTINUED)

40. CONTINUED: (7) RORY I’ll give it a try. How did you get so wise, O mother of mine? They EMBRACE LORELAI Oh, thank you, but sweetie these are just words to try to help you. The real direction comes from your heart. And you have a great heart. I know you’ll do the right thing. RORY Oh, hey, what happened with Chesterfield’s angel? LORELAI Well, in large part due to your spirited defense of artistic expression, the town council agreed to a trial period. One too many complaints about naked angel boobs and she’s outta there. RORY Yay! I wish I could’ve seen the look on Taylor’s face. LORELAI Taylor exploded. Literally. Pieces everywhere. They’ll be mopping up for weeks. CUT TO: EXT-STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE-MORNING CHESTERFIELD is fussing around the sculpture. KIRK arrives with a big SIGN reading: NO PORN IN STARS HOLLOW. He begins PACING up and down as Rory and Lorelai pass on their way to LUKE’S. LORELAI Oh, hey, Kirk. Top of the morning to you. KIRK Don’t mock me, Lorelai. LORELAI How is saying “top of the morning to you” mocking you? (CONTINUED)

41. CONTINUED: KIRK You never say “top of the morning” to anyone. Your inflection, the look on your face, all tell me you don’t approve of my actions. RORY No, Kirk, we fully support your expressing your opinion in accordance with the first amendment. LORELAI Yes, we wouldn’t have it any other way. I actually think you look rather sexy with that sign. RORY Yes! You’re a man to be reckoned with. Chicks dig that. Really?

KIRK LORELAI No, Kirk, not really. They continue WALKING RORY Way to go, Chesterfield! LORELAI Woo-hoo! Down with censorship! Up with bare angel breasts! KIRK You just wait until the rest of my posse shows up! Decency will prevail. RORY Since when does Kirk care about decency? LORELAI Since he learned Taylor’s explanation of it. Kirk figures he better toe the company line if he wants to keep his job with Taylor Inc.

(CONTINUED)

42. CONTINUED: (2) They ENTER LUKE’S. Jess takes one look at Rory and DISAPPEARS into the back. LUKE That’s some effect you have on Jess, Rory. And I thought only my classic rock station could get him moving so fast in the opposite direction. LORELAI Ah, well, you know Luke, the travails of young love. LUKE Travails or not, I’ve got too many customers to do without him. Be right back. CUT TO: INT-LUKE’S BACK ROOM-MOMENTS LATER LUKE Jess, I need you out front. JESS No, you don’t. LUKE Uh, yes, I do. JESS I’m OK back here. LUKE Jess, look, I know you’re having some kind of fight with Rory but ... JESS What? There’s no fight. Just stay out of it. LUKE OK, I’ll stay out of it if you get back in it. Get your butt out there and bus some tables. Luke turns to leave, then turns back LUKE (CONT’D) And hey, Jess? Cut Rory some slack. She’s just a kid. (CONTINUED)

43. CONTINUED: JESS Way to stay out of it. LUKE Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta have these heart-to-heart talks with your annoying nephews. JESS I’m touched. Luke returns to the FRONT, as does Jess, who works hard to be as far away from Rory as possible. LUKE (CONT’D) (pouring coffee) Sorry about that. I hope you guys can patch things up soon Rory. Your presence is really impacting my table bussing. RORY Sorry. Just need my coffee and I’ll be out of the way. See ya! LORELAI Bye! Write if you find work! (to Luke) I need big coffee, big pancakes, I’m making a big phone call. LUKE Who’s the lucky guy? LORELAI My dad. I’m going to try to talk to him about the meaning of life after a career of corporate skullduggery. LUKE Sounds heavy. Good luck. Pancakes on the way. LORELAI Thanks! Oh, hey, did you have that heart-to-heart with Jess. Yeah.

LUKE LORELAI How’d it go? (CONTINUED)

44. CONTINUED: (2) LUKE We talked. We cried. We hugged. We split a pint of ice cream and it’s all better now. LORELAI Hey, never mock the healing powers of ice cream! She SITS, picks up PHONE and DIALS LORELAI (CONT’D) Hi, it’s Lorelai Gilmore. May I speak with my father please? Thanks. Dad? Hi. It’s me, your favorite daughter. INT-RICHARDS’S STUDY-SIMULTANEOUS RICHARD Lorelai!? To what do I owe the honor of this unexpected call? INT-LUKE’S-SIMULTANEOUS LORELAI Oh, just wanted to see how you’re doing and all that, what you’re up to. I was just wondering, y’know, what you’re doing to fill your days. (she winces at this phrase) INT-RICHARDS’S STUDY-SIMULTANEOUS RICHARD Oh, nothing much Lorelai. Right now I’m reading the paper. In a little while I’ll probably go for a walk. I’ll kill some time until lunch, then maybe head over to the club. It’s all pretty mundane, even frightfully boring. But don’t worry, I’m not poking my nose in your mother’s business anymore, if that’s what this call is about. INT-LUKE’S-SIMULTANEOUS LORELAI Oh, no, not at all. I just, I worry about you, Dad, and I did a little ... research for you. (MORE) (CONTINUED)

45. CONTINUED: LORELAI (CONT'D) Yes, looking into what people typically do with themselves when they retire. Unfortunately, I don’t think much of it applies to you. It’s mostly shuffleboard and bridge clubs and pot-luck dinners at 4 in the afternoon and that sort of thing. INT-RICHARDS’S STUDY-SIMULTANEOUS RICHARD Lorelai, thank you for your concern, but I’m reasonably sure I can be bored to tears without any more input from you and your mother, maneuvering behind the scenes. I may be irrelevant, but I’m not a fool, and I resent being treated like one. Good bye. He HANGS UP INT-LUKE’S-SIMULTANEOUS LUKE (off her look) That didn’t go well? LORELAI No, it did not. If it’s possible, I’ve just made my father’s life even more miserable. God, why can’t my mother just leave the poor guy alone? LUKE Women can’t leave poor guys alone. If I were retired, I’d be happy to just chill out. Your dad’s a smart guy. Something’ll come to him. LORELAI I was just trying to help. Why does life have to be so complicated? LUKE Because it involves humans. LORELAI I need some good news. (CONTINUED)

46. CONTINUED: LUKE Pancakes are almost ready. LORELAI Yippee! Anything else? LUKE I’ve got some stale jelly doughnuts you can throw at Kirk if you want. LORELAI No, you. I haven’t got the energy. Luke shrugs, STEPS TO THE DOOR, opens it and THROWS A DOUGHNUT. LORELAI (CONT’D) Did you get him? LUKE No, but I was close enough that he was able to stoop down and start eating it. LORELAI Well, that’s a victory of sorts. LUKE Hope it cheered you up. LORELAI You always cheer me up. Well, almost always. LUKE Thanks. You better go manage that inn while I spread more cheer. KIRK pops his head in, holding a HALF-EATEN DOUGHNUT KIRK Luke! This doughnut you gave me is totally stale. LUKE Then why’d you eat half of it? LORELAI And he threw it at you, Kirk, he didn’t give it to you. There’s a subtle message in there, when people hurl stale bakery products at you. (CONTINUED)

47. CONTINUED: (2) KIRK Well, it’s still more than anyone’s done for me lately. LUKE See what I mean? Humans. LORELAI We’re a messy bunch. What?

KIRK FADE OUT. END OF ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

48. CONTINUED: ACT FOUR EXT-STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE-AFTERNOON A CROWD is gathered around the Forgiving Angel sculpture. There’s a bit of a festival atmosphere: KIRK still paces with his SIGN, MISS PATTY is playing music and dancing with any MEN who come near, JACKSON and SOOKIE are holding hands looking up at the sculpture, and TAYLOR is talking to a well-heeled older couple from Manhattan. TAYLOR Disgusting, isn’t it? What?

MAN FROM CITY TAYLOR This “artwork.” This abomination! WOMAN FROM CITY Whatever do you mean, sir? I can’t recall ever seeing such a nice piece of public art in such a small town. TAYLOR Really? Well, what do you know? MAN FROM CITY Well, we’ve been on the board at the Whitney for years. Laura here has her PhD in art history from Princeton. TAYLOR So ... you’re tourists, just visiting? Yes.

MAN FROM CITY TAYLOR And you’re not offended by the nudity? WOMAN FROM CITY Heavens no! In fact, a few more pieces of this quality will put Stars Hollow on the list we compile for museum donors who mix art-spotting with their weekend antiquing. (CONTINUED)

49. CONTINUED: TAYLOR Really? Excuse me a moment. Taylor sidles up to Kirk TAYLOR (CONT’D) OK, Kirk, fun’s over. What?

KIRK TAYLOR Ix-nay on the ign-say! Huh?

KIRK TAYLOR For god’s sakes Kirk, put the damn sign down! KIRK But what about my first amendment rights? TAYLOR Look Kirk, I put you out here, now I’m ordering you to stand down. KIRK But this is the most attention I’ve ever gotten! I’m like a hero around here now. Taylor whips out a 20 and presses it into KIRK’s HAND TAYLOR Here, go buy yourself a cape, hero. Kirk POCKETS the 20 but continues pacing. Taylor finally just GRABS THE SIGN, BREAKS IT AND THROWS IT TO THE GROUND amid cheering from the crowd.

(CONTINUED)

50. CONTINUED: (2) TAYLOR (CONT’D) Thank you! Thank you everyone! I think Kirk has made his point, but it’s time for all of us to move on and recognize that, even if we don’t all agree with the, er, artistic merit of Mr. Chesterfield’s work, there’s still room in our fair berg for different kinds of, er, expression. ANGLE ON RORY and LANE, standing near the back LANE That’s weird. What could’ve possibly made Taylor change his mind about the sculpture? RORY Money. That’s the only thing that motivates Taylor on anything. He probably talked to some tourists who liked Chesterfield’s piece. LANE It’s not that bad. Plus, I like it because my mom hates it. We HEAR Jess before we see him JESS A woman after my own heart. LANE Oh, hi Jess. JESS (pointedly) Hello Lane. Hello Rory. Jess.

RORY LANE Well, I’m going to go stand closer to the sculpture. People are saying she has magical powers to help you forgive, and if I’m going to ever get ungrounded, I’ll need all the help I can get.

(CONTINUED)

51. CONTINUED: (3) RORY OK. See you later. (to JESS) Thank you. For what?

JESS RORY For recognizing Lane’s existence, for being so exceedingly civil as to say “hello.” It was a big step for you. JESS I have a bigger one. RORY Really? You’re not going all soft on me are you? Not sure I could handle that. I’m sorry.

JESS RORY What? Why are you sorry? I’m the one who messed up. I’m sorry. I really am. JESS You didn’t do anything wrong. Dean’s not a bad guy, he was in the hospital, you went to see him. No big deal. RORY There’s more to it than that. I should’ve checked with you first. JESS OK. Yeah, that would’ve been nice. And I could’ve reacted differently. Storming off, it’s sort of a trademark of mine. So, truce?

RORY JESS Oh, we can do better than truce. He plants a BIG KISS on her lips as Luke and Lorelai approach. (CONTINUED)

52. CONTINUED: (4) LUKE Oh, thank god. The sulking will drop back down to Level 3. LORELAI That Level 5 stuff was killing you, eh? LUKE He made Achilles look like a good sport. LORELAI Ooh, fancy literary allusion. LUKE The Iliad was the ONE book I did read in high school. LORELAI Well, looks like you two have made up. RORY Just don’t say anything about “love birds” or our movie date tonight is off! LORELAI OK, OK, no love bird references. But look, Luke, aren’t they just like a little Romeo and Juliet ... without the double suicide ending, of course. RORY That’s it, you’re on your own tonight. LORELAI Oh, I am slain! So what happened to Kirk? No sign, no pacing, he looks even more disgruntled than usual. RORY The real story lies with Taylor. I was just getting ready to investigate. LORELAI Cool. I’ll join you.

(CONTINUED)

53. CONTINUED: (5) LUKE I’ve got to go clean my griddle. I’ll help.

JESS Luke and Jess EXIT LORELAI That’s guy-speak for “we’d rather have our fingernails pulled out with pliers than be anywhere near Kirk and Taylor.” RORY Oh, thanks for the translation. ANGLE ON TAYLOR in front of the sculpture. CHESTERFIELD regards him warily. TAYLOR Well, Mr. Chesterfield, it looks like you’re satisfied now, eh? CHESTERFIELD Oh, yes, thank you Mr. Taylor. I’m very happy. TAYLOR It’s not “Mr. Taylor,” it’s just Taylor. CHESTERFIELD Yes, kind of like I’m just “Chesterfield,” not “Mr. Chesterfield.” TAYLOR I see. OK, OK, I’m sorry ... Chesterfield. I see your point. Taylor looks up at the ANGEL. We see a CLOSE-UP of its eyes. They seem to affect Taylor. TAYLOR (CONT’D) And Chesterfield, I just want to, um, I want to apologize for knocking your sculpture. It’s really very, uh, beautiful, even with the um, the ... oh, you know. Lorelai and Rory approach from behind (CONTINUED)

54. CONTINUED: (6) LORELAI Betcha still wish you could strap a tube-top on the old girl, don’t you Taylor? RORY Or maybe a nice winter coat over her shoulders. TAYLOR What can I do for you ladies? LORELAI Oh, nothing. We’re just here to witness the amazing powers of the Forgiving Angel ... RORY And her breast of contrition. TAYLOR Amazing powers had nothing to do with it. I simply felt Mr., er, Chesterfield, just Chesterfield here deserved some praise from the mayor himself. LORELAI At least until some more tourists weigh in on Miss Mono Boob, eh? TAYLOR Never you mind, Lorelai! Indeed, what would someone who runs an inn care what the tourists think of our town. Taylor LEAVES in a huff LORELAI Nice job, Chesterfield. You got your sculpture in place AND managed to embarrass the snot out of Taylor. CHESTERFIELD Thank you, although that wasn’t my intent. Lorelai is AMAZED to see RICHARD APPROACHING Dad?!

LORELAI

(CONTINUED)

55. CONTINUED: (7) RICHARD Hello Lorelai, Rory. LORELAI Dad, what brings you up to Stars Hollow? RICHARD Is it so amazing that I should visit the home of my daughter and granddaughter? LORELAI Well, no, but ... RICHARD Actually Lorelai, I came to apologize ... MEANINGFUL LOOKS are exchanged vis-a-vis the ANGEL RICHARD (CONT’D) ...for getting so upset with you on the phone this morning. I know you mean well. It’s just that ... LORELAI You don’t have to explain dad. I know. And I’m sorry too. More MEANINGFUL LOOKS LORELAI (CONT’D) I promise I’ll stay out of your retirement. RICHARD Thank you, Lorelai. (noticing the Angel) Good god! What’s this? RORY It’s our new artwork, the Forgiving Angel. What do you think? RICHARD This is, this is unbelievable! What a marvelous sculpture. And here in Stars Hollow? LORELAI Yeah, usually we just have the figurines carved out of Velveeta. (CONTINUED)

56. CONTINUED: (8) RICHARD Where did you ... who created this chef d’oevre? LORELAI Chesterfield! RORY Chesterfield! That’s me.

CHESTERFIELD RICHARD Well, young man, you are to be commended. Why, just the other day I was talking to a friend at the club, and we discussed the terrible state of American art, particular in regard to sculpture. Good stone sculptors are just about extinct in this country, and look here, right in our backyard we have a budding master. CHESTERFIELD Thank you! Thank you very much. RICHARD Have you done many works of this size? CHESTERFIELD Actually, this is my first big piece. I’ve been doing table-top up until now. RICHARD So, what’s your next commission? CHESTERFIELD Um, I don’t have one. RICHARD You don’t have one! Young man, you have got to follow up on this with something immediately. Immediately! Yes, sir.

CHESTERFIELD

(CONTINUED)

57. CONTINUED: (9) RICHARD We’ve got to get you out there, your work must be known. Do you have an agent? No, sir.

CHESTERFIELD RICHARD Well, you must get an agent immediately. An agent can find you work, take care of the business end of things. You need someone with strong connections to the art world, strong connections to money, to people and institutions that can finance your work and pay you what it’s worth. CHESTERFIELD Yes, sir. It’s just hard. I work all day in a photo lab, and a I sculpt at night. RICHARD Lorelai, did you hear that? Works in a photo lab! It’s like Melville in the patent office all over again.

Huh?

LORELAI RICHARD We’ve got to get this young man some exposure! (beat) I tell you what: I will be his agent! What?!

LORELAI RICHARD Yes, I shall represent Chesterfield. I’ve got the contacts, I’ve got the time, I’ve got a great love of art.

(CONTINUED)

58. CONTINUED: (10) RORY I think that’s wonderful, grandpa. But I think you should ask Chesterfield first. RICHARD Oh, yes, of course. Chesterfield, I’ve got a proposition for you ... RICHARD and CHESTERFIELD walk off Rory and Lorelai LOOK UP at the ANGEL LORELAI Do you think this thing could help me win the lottery? RORY I could use some help with physics. LORELAI So, OK, we’ll have Chesterfield’s agent have him do a Powerball and physics angel next. RORY Sounds good. Although as long as there are men around, you can’t have too many Forgiving Angels, in my opinion. LORELAI Amen to that, sister. CUT TO: INT-LUKE’S-THE NEXT MORNING Lorelai and Rory ENTER. Lorelai is holding the NEWSPAPER. Luke sees them coming. LUKE Oh no. Give me strength! Hey,

LORELAI (consulting paper) “Griddle Wizard.” What’s shakin’? LUKE Give me a break. (CONTINUED)

59. CONTINUED: LORELAI Gee, that doesn’t sound like the “gruffly congenial service proffered by Luke Danes” we read about in the paper. LUKE Don’t believe everything you read in the paper. RORY (also looking at paper) Well, at least he’s the “hirsute, avuncular presence that helps make Luke’s a decided step up from Denny’s.” LUKE Denny’s!? What’s hirsute? Jess ENTERS from back JESS It means “hairy.” I told you to shave your back, Luke. LUKE You, in the back. Peel another bushel of potatoes. With your teeth. RORY Can I help? JESS Only if you don’t give away any of my tuber-peeling secrets. (he makes a sort-of beaver motion with his teeth) Jess and Rory exit LORELAI C’mon Luke, don’t look so down. What’s a little teasing in the face of this kind of publicity? LUKE I don’t want publicity, I don’t need publicity. I don’t know why I agreed to let them do this story. I mean, look at me in this picture. I look like some kind of felon. (CONTINUED)

60. CONTINUED: (2) LORELAI Well, a felon with a cute grimace, anyway. LUKE Well, at least I can send it to my mom. She’ll love it. LORELAI Oh, c’mon Luke. Why can’t you just admit that it’s neat to be written up in the paper? It won’t kill you. And they didn’t say anything really stupid or cheesy. No?

LUKE LORELAI Well, except for this line about how your pancakes are “lighter than your wallet after a trip to Disneyland.” LUKE That’s good, right? LORELAI Yes! You’ve built a great place here, Luke. This article really sums up what’s cool about Luke’s. It does? Yes!

LUKE LORELAI LUKE OK, then ... just OK. I won’t gripe about it anymore. Good.

LORELAI LUKE You know, I’ve uh, I’ve built a decent place here .... LORELAI Good, making progress ....

(CONTINUED)

61. CONTINUED: (3) LUKE And I like what I do. I like seeing everyone and hearing what’s going on, and I like that people like you are dependent on me for coffee and pancakes. See?

LORELAI LUKE (looking around) It’s a small world, but it’s MY small world. Yep.

LORELAI She puts her arm around his SHOULDER, he reciprocates, and they look around at all the contented diners as we FADE TO BLACK. END OF SHOW