Get-him-running-back-to-you.pdf

Get Him Running Back to You The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast

By Matthew Hussey

Table of Contents Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Section 1 - Foundations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Section 2 - The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast . . . . 19 ‒‒ STEP 1 - Re-establish Contact With Your Ex Again (The Right Way) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 ‒‒ The ‘No Contact’ Rule You Must First Obey At All Costs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 ‒‒ What If Your Ex Gets Back In Touch With You During No-Contact? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 ‒‒ STEP 2 - Make Your Life Irresistible To Him . . . . . . . . 61 ‒‒ STEP 3 - Blow Him Away With Your NEW First Impression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69 ‒‒ STEP 4 - Create Uncontrollable Desire In Him . . . . . . 93 ‒‒ STEP 5 - Let Him Win You Again (And Stay Forever) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 FAQ - Your Questions And Unresolved Fears . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

Introduction I never thought I would write anything like this program. For the sake of full disclosure, I wrestled with my conscience for some time over the idea of publishing any advice on this subject. I knew offering any secrets that reveal ‘how to get your ex’ back could spell potentially disastrous consequences. Is it ever worth going back to a relationship that died? Why bother trying to resuscitate an old flame? Especially if that flame should’ve burnt out a long time ago!. I knew the ideas and techniques I developed throughout creating my GettheGuy programmes certainly could be used to help win back an ex. But I wondered: “Is that what this material should be used for?” It could easily put power in the wrong hands. Or at least it could mean power would be used for the wrong ends. .

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Hmm…tricky dilemma. It would have been easier to keep my mouth shut. Let bygones be bygones. Look to the future and not the past. My philosophy on ex’s used to be simple and short: Make like Elsa from Frozen and Let The Damn Thing Go so you can find someone better suited to you. I used to base my teaching on a simple philosophy: Get The Guy or Forget The Guy. This was the code upon which I based my life. But then I realised that real life is complicated. It’s easy to shout like a spectator from the stands and advise women to move on. However, what if moving on isn’t necessarily moving forward? What if, though mistakes were made and hurtful things were said, the path to happiness and true love really did involve reviving a relationship post-breakup? I had to confront this possibility. It couldn’t be, after all, that everyone who breaks up is better off being apart. There must be some for whom the break up is just a temporary blip, a mistake, another obstacle on the road to a more complete, better love than before.

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So here’s what I decided: The only way I could release this material with a good conscience then was to lay down a few safeguards before even beginning. Here’s the most important: Getting your EX BACK is NOT for everyone. Even when breakups suck, when they hurt and feel like agony and you’re certain you’ll never rise another morning in bed without feeling sick at the very thought of not having that guy in your life anymore, going back to the relationship is not the obvious answer! .

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My promise before beginning then is simple: Going through this process will ensure you either (a) Get your ex back, or (b) Get over your ex and move on to an even happier life than before. .

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That said, if the relationship with your ex is special enough and worth saving, the following pages offer a foolproof plan for you to send him running back into your arms. So it’s win-win from here on out!

Four Quick Reasons Not To Get Back With Your Ex Now if you’re still unsure if you’re doing the right thing by wanting to get back with your ex, I urge you to refer to the FAQ section towards the end of this document where I outline some questions you should ask if you’re struggling with your decision. .

So let me outline some of the most obvious reasons not to get back with your ex: 1. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive - If a guy EVER physically hurt or abused you in any way, for your own safety be glad it’s over and never look back. If you regularly felt emotionally isolated, miserable or had cripplingly low self-esteem due to constant criticism and attacks on your character, this guy is wrong for you. Period. End of story. 2. You lack other easy options - Just because you don’t have someone to cuddle up to and be warm at night with at present, does not by itself mean you should go seeking your ex as an ‘easy option’ instead of finding someone new. If you really feel the relationship was doomed but pine for your ex

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simply because you want a chest to rest your head against this evening, realise that this is a terrible reason for going back. It will also make you more miserable in the long-term when you realise you’ve fallen back into a relationship with the same problems and struggles as before. 3. Because you just can’t bear the thought of him moving on - This one is plain selfish. If you don’t love him anymore but are filled with jealousy at the idea of him finding someone new, getting your ex back isn’t the program for you. Move on and let him (and yourself ) be happy. 4. You want to prove to yourself he still wants you - If you want to seduce him just for an ego trip and to boost your self-esteem, you might end up having fun and getting him back into bed for a night, but then you’re back once again in a familiar dynamic that was never going to work to begin with. Save yourself the hassle and focus your energy on a more worthwhile project. Ok, those are my warnings out of the way. Like I said, you can read more about deciding whether to get your ex back towards the end of this document. .

Now, let’s get underway with reeling him back in your life.

Section 1 Foundations Beginning At The End: The Story Of A Break Up And Where You Are Now I know right now is painful. A bad break up is one of the worst traumas you can experience. You feel the heavy, constant ache in your chest. Your stomach curls up in knots when you wake up and realise you don’t have him in your life anymore. I’m not going to pretend this period will be easy. You could be reading this in a state of anxiety, feeling depressed and wondering how you’re possibly going to pick up the pieces of your life. If this feels like where you are right now, you need to begin right away by putting your life back in order again and walking the path to true inner confidence . One of the special free bonuses I’ve included in this program is an e-book written by my brother Stephen, titled ‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’ which focuses on how to build your life again and recover from the trauma of a break up . In the program I will tell you the appropriate 13

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time when you should turn to this guide to kick start your steps to break-up recovery. .

I know first-hand how breakups can ruin every pleasurable experience - especially when you feel constantly anxious and can’t stop thinking about your ex every spare second. .

To make sure that happens, first we need to know a few things about attraction….

The Attraction Formula That Ensures Lasting Devotion In order to get your ex back you’re going to have to attract him again. This section covers the necessary foundations of attraction so that you understand what makes any guy attracted to you and what you

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need to flip those switches in your ex’s mind that will win his heart and make him never want to let you go. I am aware, of course, that for you to have even been in a relationship with a guy in the first place, you must already know some things about attraction, so don’t think I’m presuming to lecture to you as though you were just learning how to meet guys for the first time. .

Having an Attraction Formula is also useful because it shows you exactly how to push his emotional buttons again and make him feel those feelings he did when he first met you. Moreover, having a formula gives you power. There’s a science to attraction, which means that attraction is possible to influence at any time. Think about it: Have you ever gone out and felt that you were getting so much attention one night, but the next you didn’t get any? This didn’t happen because you looked so different on each of the two nights. There are things you can do to change and improve your appearance of course, but there are other factors at play, and this is what the formula outlines.

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So our formula is: Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection = Deep and Lasting Attraction There are four elements here: 1) Visual Chemistry People think this is just about your natural looks, and it’s not true. It’s about how you’re perceived. It’s about how you walk, talk, move, what your body language conveys – and there’s a lot we can do in each of these to influence how attractive we are perceived to be. This is also affected by your health, your nutrition, your fitness and how well you groom and take care of your body. 2) Perceived Challenge This is what people are really talking about when they talk about the idea of ‘playing hard to get’. Men want to feel that they are earning you every step of the way. They want to feel that you’re attainable, but there are steps they have to go through to earn your attraction. Men appreciate the things they earn. This doesn’t mean you have to fake it and pretend uninterested; it means that a guy has to prove he is worth it by showing investment, and that you show you won’t simply yield just because he gives you some initial attention. You show him you have standards, and he’ll aspire to live up to them.

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3) Perceived Value Perceived value is more than just being a challenge. It’s when a woman has certain attributes that prove she is really worth something. This might be to do with personality traits that you possess, the lifestyle you have – something that makes a guy think to himself, ‘this woman has value to add to my life’. Perceived value can be linked to intelligence, your ability to be caring and nurturing, your kindness and confidence, your sense of fun and excitement and positivity, and your independence and ability to take care of your own life. All these traits show a certain internal level of confidence and value that puts you above any other woman in his estimation. 4) Connection Connection is when the two of you truly feel like you relate. This comes mostly from shared understanding and compatibility. E.g. ‘Do I feel understood by this person? And do I understand them?’ ‘Do our beliefs, ideas and ways of thinking relate?’ This is what creates connection. And notice that you can have all of the first three components without any connection. That’s why connection is such a vital piece in the formula. As we proceed through the program, I’ll be referring back to these elements now and again to show where you can demonstrate them on a date with your ex . Of course, on some level you will have shown him these traits before, which is to be expected since he

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was presumably attracted to you while you were dating. At the very least, to have been in a relationship you will have had a good dose of visual chemistry and connection I would hope! .

So, now that we’re done with the preliminaries, let’s move to the main event. You need to meet up with your ex at some point if you want to win him back into your life. .

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But of course, getting your ex back is rather strange in this respect, since our beginning happens to be at the end of a relationship. It begins with you broken and ends with you feeling stronger, more energetic and more fulfilled than you’ve ever been. By the end of this process, you’ll have an even stronger relationship not only with your ex, but more importantly (yes, I said more importantly), a stronger relationship with yourself.

Section 2 The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast STEP 1 Re-establish Contact With Your Ex Again (The Right Way) Where does the story begin? The story we are writing now begins where most relationships usually end: The Break-Up. For you to even be reading this book, at some point your have suffered along with the rest of humanity in having to endure the pain of a relationship ending. Maybe he broke up with you. Maybe you dumped him. It doesn’t matter what the scenario is: what’s crucial before ANYTHING else happens is how you act immediately after the relationship ends.

The ‘No Contact’ Rule You Must First Obey At All Costs I’m going to say something that might sound extreme right now.

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But it’s crucial you follow it if you want a chance at getting your ex back. The rule is as follows: NO CONTACT FOR AT LEAST 21 DAYS AFTER THE BREAK UP. And I mean NO contact. No text messages, no phone calls, no social media stalking, no Snapchat pics of you with a sad face wearing his favourite shirt, no mysteriously bumping into each other at a nightclub (because you conveniently happened to be going to the exact same bar on Friday night), and definitely no meeting up to discuss the relationship. Just stop. Please. It’s vital you do this right now, not only for your own mental health, but because, if you ever want a shot at getting someone back into your life, you need to start by giving them (and yourself ) some space. Why is this “Cooling Off ” space so important? • It gives him a chance to lose his negative associations with the relationship. • It lets him wonder about you (and possibly even miss having you in his life). • It makes him feel NOT pressured. • It allows you to make some positive changes in your life and become more attractive in the process. Think about this. Immediately after a break-up, like you, your ex is going to be feeling raw, possibly hurt, confused and messed up. He’s not going to have any perspective on the relationship and he’s probably going to be feeling volatile and emotional. These are TERRIBLE circumstances for getting him to reconsider the break up and jump back into a relationship. Right now, his

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emotions are going to be in ‘healing’ mode, and all he’s going to want to do is avoid more pain, drama, and emotional uncertainty. If you now bombard him with messages begging him to take you back and pouring your heart out, all it is going to do is validate his choice to cut you out of his life. He’ll probably shut you out even more, seeing you as a nuisance and as someone who adds a whole heap of drama into his life that he doesn’t need. See, the biggest mistake you can do right now is going into Victim Mode. Victim Mode is any behaviour in which you put yourself in the role of someone who needs to be saved, or if you act like a broken woman whose self-esteem is shattered beyond repair. It’s this mode that tempts you to do desperate things, such as call him repeatedly, send him long emails blurting out your despair, and beg him to talk so you can ‘work it out’. If you do this, the likelihood is he will try to distance himself from you, either because (a) he feels pressured and guilty, or (b) he feels overwhelmed with drama. Right now, you need to be the exact opposite of drama and pressure. That’s not to say you’re going to pretend to be happy-go-lucky and totally cool with the break-up. I’ll explain how to strike the perfect balance between the two later in this section. The principle here is to NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING TO REBEL AGAINST. This is a crucial idea to keep in mind throughout this program. Guys can be like big kids. And when you fight against a kid what does he want to do? Rebel. So right now, if you go try and make your guy jealous by flirting with other people in front of him, or attempt to cry and beg him to come back, or you send angry messages telling him what an asshole

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he is…all of these behaviours are going to make him REBEL LIKE A CHILD. You try and make him jealous? He’ll try and make you jealous in return. You send anger his way? He’ll feel pissed and see you as an antagonist. You cry and beg to come back? He’ll pull away even more and feel validated in his decision to leave. So for those initial first 21 days, you MUST give him no reason whatsoever to rebel. Let him stew by himself. Leave the drama behind and let him go through his own process. If you do this, once you start attracting him again he will sell himself on the idea of getting back together, because he won’t feel forced at all.

How And Why You Should Send A Goodbye Letter Ok, I lied. There is one instance in which you are permitted to get in touch with your ex again. Just one though. About 4-5 days after the break up, you can send your ex a short Goodbye Letter. The Goodbye Letter is a very short break up letter. Send it in the form of a text or email. The purpose of this letter is to confirm things are over between the two of you. Sounds crazy right? Believe me, this is one of the best things you can do right now. It makes him realise that you’re not hanging on. You send him a short note, let’s say via email, in which you say something like: Mike, Despite how it all ended between us, I just wanted to thank you so much for the last year. It’s been one of the most incredible of my life.

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I’ll never forget our trip to Paris and I’ll miss our nights in bed eating Sushi together (insert whatever memory is appropriate here for you). Take care of yourself. I’ll always think the best of you. Good luck with everything xx

That’s it. Do NOT make it any longer than this. Keep it short, and don’t ask any questions. The point of this letter is to keep you in your ex’s head and give him a tiny reminder of the good times you had together. See, when you break up your ex needs space. And that’s why during this No Contact period, you send this letter, but you do not press for any response. You are giving him his space, you aren’t saying anything needy or begging, and you are nudging his emotions by reminding him that you won’t be in his life anymore. And here’s the best part: It looks like YOU are the one who is ending things and moving on. Right now, he is bracing himself expecting you to try and save things and ‘work it out’. But you’re scrambling his emotions when you just accept the break up. And acceptance right now is a truly important part of this process. You are not going to save this relationship with your ex, you are going to start a better one. The trick though is not to rush it! This is what most people do and most people ruin their chances in these early stages by giving him things to rebel against. Just be his teammate for now and show you are respecting his decision. He needs the time to decompress now and ONLY after those first few weeks should you even consider being a visible presence in his

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world again (and equally, YOU need to grieve for the relationship alone for the time being). Save your emotions for friends and family, but resist any urge right now to spontaneously update him on how you are feeling. Send the letter and forget all further contact for a month. If you’re hurting right now and desperately missing him, this No Contact rule is going to feel like a prison sentence. But trust me, every time you break that rule in those initial 21 days, know that you are damaging your chances of ever having your ex in your life again. You might think that by severing contact you risk losing him. You might even be thinking: “I HAVE TO MOVE QUICKLY OR HE MIGHT FIND SOMEONE ELSE!” Look, this is 21 days. It’s extremely unlikely for someone to be in a relationship less than a month after a big breakup. Most people, even if they flirt with one or two people during this time, are not about to go out again looking for something serious for a while. And what if he does meet someone in 21 days? Chances are high that it’s a passing fling. It will likely be casual, and all he’ll be doing is comparing this new woman to you, as he tries to recreate the intimacy of your recently ended relationship. .

He needs to make his own mistakes, and right now the worst thing you could do is butt in and give your opinion on how he’s choosing

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to move on. Your only job is to be totally cool with what he does. Remember, you’re broken up. Whatever your feelings about who he chooses to be with now are none of your business. Everyone is allowed to move on in their own way. But remember, all this only applies if he happens to find someone else. Chances are he won’t. At best, he’ll flirt with some girl at a party or go out to a bar with the guys to clear his head once a week. Most people are not ready for a serious relationship to move on within a month, so don’t be afraid of having a good clean few weeks out of his company. If a guy broke up with you, right now he’s going to be trying to hold to that decision no matter what is said. He’s likely piled on the negative associations with the relationship in his head i.e. This is too much pressure, I want to be alone, I can’t take it any longer, I need space, I feel trapped… Whatever that inner monologue in his head is saying, you NEED to give him time right now to allow it to calm down. You also need time for your emotions to settle down and for you to approach getting him back rationally. And finally you need time off so that you can go and focus on your own life and surprise him with your progress the next time you get in touch. These 21 days away are necessary for you to start moving on. Right now, your mind is probably in a mess. You both need time to (a) begin moving on with your life, and (b) get some perspective on the whole relationship. Immediately after a breakup you will feel like you MUST HAVE your ex back at all costs. But this month is for you to cool off and decide rationally whether being back together is really the best

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thing . Take some time to think about the health of that relationship . Did it fulfill your needs? Was there behaviour on his part that you couldn’t deal with any longer? Or is there behaviour on your part that you are simply NOT willing to compromise on? .

Ok, that’s the initial step out of the way. But I implore you one more time, do not be tempted to ignore this crucial step and simply proceed to contact your ex. The usefulness of the advice I give next is only predicated on the fact that you have appropriately acted on the previous steps (including and especially the NO CONTACT rule), so don’t be a fool and skip it. I’m asking a lot right now, but trust me on this one. Most people blow it at this stage by trying to overwhelm a guy with tears, emotional guilt, begging, and excessive contact. So I’m making it crystal clear. For the first 21 days, don’t be responsible for opening any lines of communication with him. Quick Reader FAQ: What if I’m reading this and have already broken the “No Contact” Rule before buying this program? Is it too late now to ever win my ex back? No!

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No No No. Let me explain. The No-Contact Rule is an important part of the process, but it is not a universal scientific law which says that you absolutely must obey for a precise number of days or else you’ll never salvage your relationship. The reason I stress that people follow No-Contact immediately after a break up is because it has several benefits: 1. It gives you breathing space to approach getting him back from a rational and calmer place. 2. It provides you and your ex some physical distance, allowing him to miss you and feel your absence for a while (very important for re-igniting attraction). 3. It allows space for any ugly feelings experienced at the end of the break up (i.e. through arguments, fights, tearful phone calls) to dissolve. But with that said, even if you have broken up with your ex but have been talking every day, fear not. From this moment on, take a break for a few weeks (ideally 21 days) and refrain from getting in touch. If you’re both speaking every day right now, this might initially seem like confusing move on your part for him. That’s a good thing. It’s going to show him that you are beginning the process of accepting and seeing him not as a boyfriend, and he’ll start to wonder whether you have moved on from his life. Distance is your friend at this point. It will only do you good. So basically, it does not matter how long after the breakup you begin this program, if you are STILL

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talking to your ex, take the time now to start No-Contact from this point on.

What if you broke up a few months ago? How do you start this process? .

If you’re nodding your head right now, there’s no need to panic. First, if you broke up a month or two ago, and have not spoken at all since the breakup, then you have already completed the No-Contact step and can move on to the following steps I outline from this point on. But IF you have been broken up for a few months but are currently in a weird limbo of constantly texting and talking on a regular basis, I advise you to now begin to cut off contact for a few weeks and phase yourself out of your ex’s life for a while. He needs to see you beginning to live independently so that you can go away and make some positive changes separate from him. This step is all about creating distance and separating from your ex. Don’t fret or worry about whether or not you did this as soon as you initially broke up, the important point is only that you do it now BEFORE anything else. So don’t fret and worry over exactly when you initiate the No-Contact period. If you haven’t done it already, you can start the process right now.

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What if your ex works in the same building/office? How does the 21 day no contact period apply? If you’ve been dating someone very close to home, such as a work colleague, the idea of cutting off contact for a few weeks may seem completely impossible. It’s not as if you can just blank your ex and treat him like a ghost if you share a building with him, or else you’ll just appear to be outright hostile. But this scenario can work to your favour, because now your ex can actively see you living more independently, moving on and making positive changes, and he’ll have a chance to miss your usual level of intimacy when you treat him like a friendly acquaintance and put more physical distance between you. He’ll have the chance to see you fully functioning, becoming strong, being happy, dressing well, making a special effort to look good, getting fitter and healthier – in fact from this position, you have more opportunity to influence how he perceives you. Plus it makes you harder to forget and put out of his mind. So here’s what to do: DRASTICALLY reduce the amount of time you spend hanging around your ex. If possible, seek out a peer group that is separate from his and spend some time with them away from him. Be polite and kind if you walk past him in the corridor or end up in casual chit-chat amongst friends, but do not have any intimate long talks and definitely do not linger around him or find excuses to go out with him after work.

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Keep that sense of mystery. Let his imagination run wild with where you’re going after you leave the building. Don’t discuss private affairs with him and say nothing at all regarding your romantic life. Again, it’s perfectly fine to be your usual nice, happy, fun self at work (though don’t overdo this by trying to “fake” being in a super good mood, or else he’ll see through it and think you’re trying too hard). Just be pleasant to him but keep things brief and only talk if you have to for work or if you absolutely can’t avoid it without looking rude. Though politeness should be present, you should leave out connection and intimacy right now. You need to make your relationship somewhat more formal at this stage. Don’t engage in banter, chit-chat or teasing with private jokes, or else it will only prolong your pain at moving on and make you to continue obsessing over him. You need the sweet-spot between coldness and showing desperation or too much close emotion. If he asks you why you’re talking to him less, just say in a very neutral way, “I need some time apart to move on from this right now. I want us to still be friends but I hope you understand that we both need some time to ourselves.” After 21 days you can then move on and follow the next steps in this program. But make sure you are firm with your boundaries and give yourself this time now to appear more elusive and mysterious to him. Hang out with new friends and go out with a varied social circle. Let him

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see that you’re not moping around; you are carrying on with your life and taking the time to enjoy your friendships. So once again: do not panic that just because you work with your ex, you are unable to have a No-Contact period. It simply means you have to change your relationship (for now) from an intimate one to a more formal one. No more texting, no more sharing jokes and teasing, no more physical contact, and definitely no more spilling emotions to one another. But contact is just one part of the story. In this next section I’m going to cover how to handle your online presence if you both happen to still be intimately connected through the world of social media.

Your Social Media Profile - You Are Now A Company Brand Let’s face it, in today’s world vanishing from someone’s life entirely, even for 21 days, is about as hard as actually vanishing. Of course, it’s possible not to make direct contact with him, but chances are, you’re both going to have social media profiles on Facebook where you can see exactly what the other is doing, how many photos you’ve uploaded, and are able to read posts from your friends that may or may not refer to fun activities your ex is getting up to. Should you shut off the social media? Go on a Facebook fast? If you’re not into social media a great deal anyway, and can live without it, I recommend just not checking your Facebook for 21 days during your ‘No Contact Period’. But chances are you’re going to get tempted, especially if you think there’s a chance your ex will

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make contact or post some pictures for you to forensically dissect where he’s been and what he’s doing right now. So here are some rules about this: • • •

Do NOT ‘like’ any of his posts or photos (you’re still in “No Contact”, remember? That includes this stuff ). Do not post on his Facebook wall. Do not send pictures or private messages.

And what about your own Facebook page? Remember, anything you post or allow on your Facebook profile right now may well be scrupulously read over by him. So in the name of all that is holy, make sure you do NOT: • • • • •

Post cryptic status updates about how down-in-the-dumps and upset you are. Post statuses that refer to you being at home alone watching Frozen in your dressing gown for the third time that day. Upload photos of you with random guys you met at a nightclub in an attempt to make him jealous. Post public messages to your friends about anything to do with your love life. Post fake-sounding upbeat messages about how happy you are.

Right now you treat your social media profile the way a company would. When times are bad for a business, would they publicize how much they are struggling to keep up sales and complain about all their in-house problems? No, they remain focused on carrying on as normal so that they don’t damage their credibility.

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So the Ultimate Social Media Rule right now is to only let him see your best side, no matter what happens to be going on with you emotionally. You might be thinking that this means you should post superhappy photos of you in a nightclub having the time of your life. Hey, maybe you even think you could put up a picture of you and your cute friend so that your ex sees it and wants to get in touch. This Jealousy Tactic is a common move undertaken by scorned men and women after relationships, but let me assure you this is a terrible idea, and will only come across as either fake, or at worst, will make him feel bitter and angry towards you. You want to be his team-mate now, someone he can empathise with, not someone whom he feels animosity towards. Continue being the woman he would want to marry even in the tough times, even when you are not pointing your efforts towards him. Don’t suddenly put up pictures of you going out to bars and clubs three nights a week even though you never did before, in an attempt to show your boyfriend what an amazing time you’re now having. You suddenly transforming yourself into a party girl he was never into in the first place is not going to suddenly have him swooning over you and wanting you back. Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t post any pictures that might stir up interest in your guy. But what you want to post are pictures that RAISE HIS INTEREST WITHOUT RAISING HIS ANIMOSITY. A perfect example of this would be a snapshot of you at a Farmer’s Market with a friend, or maybe at the top of a monument or on a

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hill after a hike. Let’s say you took a picture at the Farmer’s market of you with a giant pumpkin. You’re looking gorgeous in a new summer dress, and even though it’s daytime, he sees how incredible you’ve made yourself up. You look like you’re having fun, but it’s not in a nightclub it’s in somewhere more interesting and less cliche. Unexpected even. He thinks: “She never went anywhere like that when we were together. How come she’s doing that now? Where is she?” Now you have his curiosity. Because you’re somewhere unfamiliar to him, he’s going to see you in a different light. He’s also going to be wondering what you’re up to in other parts of your life. He’s also going to be asking himself who is behind the camera taking the picture. This is all perfect because it raises questions for him. It keeps him off-balance (in a good way). And that’s exactly what you want right now. This is why it’s good to do new things he can’t relate to. You don’t want your ex to see what you’re doing and think: Same old Sarah. Otherwise he’ll feel like you’re not going anywhere. So willingly embrace the new and different, and your ex will begin to see you as new and different!

What If Your Ex Gets Back In Touch With You During No-Contact? We’ve covered the No Contact period. But what if your ex tries to call, text, or Facebook you during this time? Should you just avoid responding altogether?

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Some would be inclined to say yes, you should stick to your guns during “No Contact” and simply forgo responding to any of his messages until the 21 days elapse. But there’s a problem with this approach: NOT responding can itself be seen as an emotional response to his actions. When you ignore your ex completely, an actively attempt to prevent him making contact, you are sending him a direct message that you are avoiding him. And if he gets wind of this, he’ll start to think you’re being calculated and playing avoidance-games, or that he’s in a competitive battle with you for who can be the most unaffected by the break-up. You do not want to get drawn into any of those games. For this reason, there is an exception to the 21-day ‘No Contact’ Period: If your ex is the one who initiates contact, only then are you allowed to respond. However. That doesn’t mean you have to respond. In fact, for most of the time during this initial period, I would hold off responding to texts. Even if he just says “thinking of you” don’t feel the need to send anything back. Nor should you leave the dinner table with your friends or family to suddenly answer his phone call. You can always get back in touch later to his missed call and say “Sorry, was at a dinner party with friends, what’s up?”. This is a

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high value way to respond if you miss his call, because now he’ll be imagining the fun you were having and he’ll see you’re moving on with your life in a positive way. But what if he sends you inquiring texts? What if he sends you a message saying “How are you?” and wants to know what you’ve been up to? Unless he’s definitively telling you that he wants you back, don’t entertain much in the way of text messages. This still applies even if he sends messages saying things such as “I miss you” – don’t mistake this for an invitation to get back together. It’s normal he would miss you. Don’t read too much into it. A guy can be messaging you immediately after the break-up for several reasons, so it’s important not to take his texts as an immediate sign that he regrets his decision to end things and wants to get back together. He may be texting because: a. He feels guilty - Some guys just feel terrible and want to see that you are doing ok. He’ll want to be reassured that you are moving on because he can’t stomach the idea of you being in pain. b. He gets nostalgic for you - A man may text you because he starts thinking about the good times, and starts to miss them (especially when he’s sitting on his own without anyone new). But this does not mean that he is suddenly about to decide to get back together. So initially you must stick to No-Contact and not take this too seriously. c. He’s scared of letting you go - Some guys feel the need to regularly check in because they are scared at first that you

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will move on faster than he does, and he wants to know that you’ve not suddenly started dating someone else. This is often borne of jealousy, but once again, it is not the signal that he wants to be back in a relationship with you. It just means he’s worried about losing you for good. d. He’s lonely and needs validation - For some men, texting you after the break up is a symptom of his need to still feel desired by someone special. Since he’s now single and probably hasn’t met someone as good as you yet, in his lonely moments he subconsciously thinks about texting you and feeling like he matters to someone he’s attracted to and feels close with. Given all of these possibilities, you must not take the fact that your ex is sending you messages as being a reason to skip No-Contact altogether and jump to talking to him every day. It’s more attractive at this point to actively disengage with him for a period of a few weeks. So while you can have the odd (very short) conversation by text if necessary, if he texts and calls you a lot you should stand your ground and assert your need for some distance for a while. For example, you might say in an e-mail or a text: “I know we’ve still been talking since the breakup but I personally need some distance to be able move on with my life and being still so close right now only makes it emotionally harder. If something has suddenly changed in your mind about the break up we can talk about working things out, but apart from that I hope you’ll appreciate I really need some space right now.” If you send your ex this message and you start moving on with your life, he will respect you so much more than if you start getting back

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to all his messages during the No-Contact period. You can always re-initiate later (and when you do, you are going to have a much bigger impact if you stick to your guns at this point). At this point, the only messages you should take seriously from him are those in which he says something like: “I screwed up, I made a mistake”, or “Can we please talk?”, and even these messages you should take with a pinch of salt initially and not simply sprint back to your ex immediately. Invite him back in gradually, and take any decision to get back together slowly. You need to show your feelings are not there to be toyed with at his whim. Part of that involves communicating that there are risks to him emotionally messing you around. He may just want to talk because it makes him feel better. Find out first what it is that needs to be discussed. You need to be respected and show him the consequences of him oscillating and changing his mind and being uncertain. So if he says: “Can we talk?”, say to him: “Can I ask why first?” He might then say: “I want to clear the air” or “I just want us to talk”. You have to be the strong one here. If this conversation isn’t intended for you both to work things out and be back together, it doesn’t matter what he has to say right now. It doesn’t change anything for you. If you speak to him over the phone and he just settles into normal casual conversation, don’t indulge it for too long. He may just be wanting to hear your voice and feel soothed, and it’s your job to show him now that, in spite of you having no bitterness towards

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him, you have no intention to remain in limbo while he keeps changing his mind about whether or not he wants you in his life. If he does call, keep it short (5 minutes or so), be nice, but excuse yourself after a short period and be the one to end the conversation. Then tell him that you need space right now and ask if he can refrain from contacting you for a while (unless he wants to talk about working things out). This will feel hard to do when all you want is to hear his voice, but entertaining this whim right now will not do you any favours in the long-run. Instead, decide you need to move on and let him see that you are gradually breaking away and living your own life away from him. It will make him immediately see you as high-value. He’ll also not be able to soothe himself by just picking up his phone to hear your voice, which means he will feel the pain of distance as well (which is a good thing for you). Remember, you want distance right now. Only by having space and making positive changes in your life will you be able to get back your ex, so think about the longer game in this scenario and make sure you don’t jump to your phone every time your ex sends you a message. Have some time off for your own sake. The longer game in all of this is making sure you feel better than you’ve ever felt and can move on from the break up with strength (whether or not you end up back with your ex). Hanging on to your ex and staying in close contact before you’ve emotionally moved on is going to leave you in purgatory and only make your recovery time longer. Start the healing now.

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How To Respond To His Texts The key to responding to any text your ex sends is in the EMOTION you choose to communicate in your responses. You must NEVER communicate despair, depression, helplessness, loneliness, anger, and indignation. Any of these are going to be toxic to any chance of making him want to be in your life again. Instead, I want you to focus on responding to every interaction with THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS, which you must show at different times throughout your messages and conversations. They are RESILIENCE, STRENGTH, and HUMILITY. Let’s quickly define all three: 1. Resilience - Also known as the ability to bounce back. It’s the inner determination to rise up from a loss or failure and face the future with a sense of optimism again. 2. Strength - By strength here I mean you’re inner confidence, your mental ability to move forward and take action. 3. Humility - Humility involves you being modest, instead of arrogant and prideful in your interactions. It’s you saying “this is me. I’m not pretending otherwise”. Now let’s look at some examples of how you can apply these three emotions in a conversation. Let’s suppose in a text conversation he asks you how you’re dealing with things. Perhaps he says: “How’s it going?” An example of a perfect response to this would be as follows:

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He says: “How’s it going? x” You respond: “Just got out of a dance class. It’s been a tough week, but it’s going ok. x” This text is deceptively simple but let me explain why it’s exactly the sort of text you want to be sending right now. Let’s break down each component: 1. “Just got out of a dance class”: What you’re really saying: Even though I’ve been through a traumatic break-up I am recovering and am not letting it stop me from pursuing my interests and hobbies (Remember: I’m only using a dance class as an example here, you can use whatever you want). This part communicates RESILIENCE. You are bouncing back and show signs of having control over your life, rather than telling him you just drowned in a tub of ice cream after watching a whole series of Glee in your pyjamas. 2. “It’s been a tough week”: Here you are showing that it’s not been easy for you. You are creating empathy by showing that you’re human and that you’ve been coping through a difficult period. Thus, you are showing HUMILITY. 3. “But it’s going ok”: This is the icing on the cake. Because here you are being honest and telling him things aren’t great, but I’m getting there. You’re not faking it by saying “OMG! I had such an amazing day” - a text like that would only make him feel resentful and make him want to prove how incredibly he’s doing in return. Instead, when you tell him “it’s going ok” you are putting yourself in the sweet spot between a fake, over-the-top optimism, and a despairing, unpleasant pessimism. You are saying, it’s tough, but I can do this. This powerfully communicates STRENGTH.

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. You don't have to show all of them every single time, but rather, every time you're messaging your ex, just ask yourself: Am I showing either Humility, Resilience, or Strength? This is going to keep you on track so that you avoid the common pitfalls of the woman who attempts to make him feel guilty, or beg, or try too hard to make him feel jealous and angry. See, you need to show him that, as much you may not enjoy the situation right now, you are still making the best of it. This isn’t about pretending to be happy – it’s about you showing him that you’re doing everything in your power to make the best of the situation you’re in. The point of this text is to show that you can demonstrate STRENGTH and create EMPATHY at the same time. This is a golden combination that’s going to make him see you in a positive light. You’re being honest with him, but you’re also telling him that you are someone who is rising up again, with or without him. This is the first crucial step of communication in getting your ex back. If he asks you what you’re doing at the weekend, don’t be afraid to say something like, “I’ve been invited to a party Sarah’s friend is having, so I’m going to go check it out for a while. X” Again, this is positive, it tells him you’re out there doing things, but it doesn’t send an over-the-top message of “LOOK HOW MUCH I’M HAVING AN AMAZING TIME WITHOUT YOU”. It’s level-headed and just friendly, which is where you want to be right now.

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What If His Friends Start Getting In Touch With You? Chances are when you and your ex were dating, you became a part of his social world. You probably hung out with his friends and have a few as Facebook friends. So what if after the break-up one of these friends gets in touch? If this happens, you must respond very positively and upbeat. Believe me, anything you say to his best friends right now will be passed back to him, especially once they tell him they’ve spoke to you and he asks: “How is she?” (which he will!). So to his friends, you have to talk like everything in your life is going great. Be upbeat and kind. Under NO circumstances should you even MENTION your ex. If his friend asks how you are, just say “great thanks” and tell him about somewhere interesting you’re going tonight, or sound excited about a trip you’re planning. When this gets relayed back to your ex, he’ll think: Hold on, she’s moving on with her life and not talking about me. This will make him WANT to be back in your head and provoke him to make contact again. Bottom line: What you say to his friends will get back to him. And you’re best strategy is not to even mention your ex at all. It will drive him crazy when he calls up the guys to get the gossip on what you’re doing and they tell him that you’re doing great without him! But once again, you don’t want to come across as insincere or arrogant to his friends, you just want to maintain that aura of positivity around you, and choose not to share your painful feelings with them. Still be humble and choose kindness instead of being overly cheery, unaffected or a false way.

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Ways To Initiate Contact With Your Ex (After the ‘No Contact Period’) So, what if your ex hasn’t got in touch during that 21-day ‘No Contact Period’? Now you have to start taking matters into your own hands. But it’s still crucial at this stage that you approach this in EXACTLY the right way and don’t do anything rash. Re-opening dialogue with your ex doesn’t mean that you jump straight back into the dynamic you had when the relationship ended, nor does it mean that you suddenly blindside him with an intense conversation about how you want to get back together. For now, even if you know for certain that you want to be back with him, you are not going to even mention a whisper that the thought has crossed your mind. You accept the decision that has been made and are now starting over. Your first step to bringing him back into your life starts with making first contact. And you have a few options for getting in touch:

Option A: Facebook The first option is to get in touch by Facebook or some other form of social media. Since Facebook is so informal, it’s an easy way to message someone without appearing too desperate . But what should you talk about? The risky thing to do is to look at his profile for conversation ideas (provided you’re still Facebook friends) . The danger is that you may end up seeing something you don’t want to see . Perhaps

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other women are posting on his wall, maybe there are pictures of him at a party with strangers and it’s going to send your mind into a frenzy of worry and obsession. .

{Note: I always avoid questions where possible when you are trying to appear casual and laid back. Questions often have a way of communicating too much of a need for a response from your side.} So that’s one easy way of re-initiating contact in a non-needy way. However, I prefer a slightly different approach. Rather than look at his profile for new information, try to think of something that happened recently that reminded you of him. But there are some principles for getting this right: 1. Stay away from anything too sentimental or deep For example, don’t refer to the moment last Saturday when you walked past the park bench where you first said “I love you” to one another. That takes you to a waayyy too emotional place very quickly. If he feels too much pressure or deep emotion and sees that the risk of engaging with you may be too high, it’s likely he’ll back off before it’s started.

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2. Look for something fun and ‘in the moment’ Your message needs to sound spontaneous and light, as though you were just sharing a funny thought you had at that second and dashed off a message without much thought. It could be that you are watching the movie Dumb and Dumber which you used to quote to each other all the time. You could send a message saying “Oh my god Dumb and Dumber is on TV, it just made me think of you!” It’s better to be in the moment with this rather than telling him about the movie being on TV two days ago, because the latter shows he is on your mind a lot right now, which you don’t want to communicate. 3. Show a nonchalant confidence If you wanted to be slightly more cute and flirtatious, an extension of this message would be “Dumb and Dumber is on TV. Where are you! lol” The subtle suggestion is that he should be there watching it with you, which is not only cute, but confident, and completely bypasses the taboo of the two of you being broken up. Most people act so tense after breakups. They make a big deal out of contacting each other, seeing each other, and tread on eggshells the whole time. The image of the two of you just watching a funny movie together instead of having some ‘big talk’ immediately relieves the pressure of the situation. You are also doing the opposite of what he would expect, so this acts as a way to defy his expectations

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(which is only a good thing right now). It gives him a license to be casual in response and not overthink things. Before you ask, no, this isn’t a date you are setting up (yet), this is just a fun way to get back in contact. All you want to do to begin with is re-open communication in a light-hearted way. You could do the same thing by talking about where you are and what it reminded you of. Let’s say he was a complete snob about having good coffee and refused to buy coffee in Starbucks, which was also something you would playfully argue about. You find yourself in Starbucks one day ordering a latte…when you sit down to your computer to get some work done, coffee in hand you could message him saying “I just sat down to work in Starbucks and thought about how angry you’d be about this latte I’m drinking right now. I just want to say right now that I’m sorry…” Remember to always be aware of the context of where you are in your breakup. Generally speaking the more time that passes the easier it is to be lighthearted in your communication with someone. When feelings are still hurt it can be tough to communicate. Though it should be said that a sweet message like the Dumb and Dumber example above could still be mentioned when emotions are raw. You just might adapt it to make it a little more sweet: “Dumb and Dumber just came on tv and it made me think of you”. So here’s the plan: 1st - Look for the next thing that happens to you that reminds you of him.

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2nd - Send a casual one or two sentence message on Facebook. If you need motivation, think of what would make him smile or laugh if you sent it. Avoid the temptation to start pouring all of your heavy emotions into the message. As I said, keep it very short (this is important), and avoid question marks. If he doesn’t respond and later you want to pour your heart and soul into a message to him, you will never lose that option (also known as “Going Nuclear”, because of the potential havoc and destruction it will cause). But that should never be your starting point. Remember: The best first move for getting your ex back is always a low risk, low investment strategy (The LR-LI Strategy). If he doesn’t respond within a few hours, or even a few days, do not get anxious and start pulling the trigger on more messages. Give it a good week or so before thinking about whether and when to do anything else. You never know how often someone is checking their messages, so you don’t want him to come back after a week to find three messages sitting there from you because you jumped the gun. It’s also the case that a lot of people look at messages and vow to come back to them at a later point. There’s no need to rush anything. He’s not leaving planet earth tomorrow. Your trick with messaging him at this stage (i.e. after the NO CONTACT period) should follow what I call the Goldilocks Method of contact: Never too much, never too little. Do not start texting every single day or you’ll fail to make him curious about where you are, what you’re up to.

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.

Option B: Text Message You can of course opt for text message over Facebook. It’s a little more intimate and therefore shows slightly more investment on your part, but it’s still casual enough. Of course, any of the previous suggestions regarding what to say on Facebook also apply for text messages. Once he messages back, either through Facebook or text message, allow the conversation to continue without feeling the need to state your intention of seeing him again. There is no need to rush this part of the process. The aim here should just be to remind him of how much fun you have talking. Be silly, be playful, banter with him. Let the jokes play out.

Examples of what you can talk about – Mention one of your new hobbies - The best conversations you can have when you re-initiate contact are ones that keep him guessing and make him feel like LESS a part of your life anymore. It makes him curious and gets him wanting to know more. So you could mention that you went on your first hiking trip recently, or that you tried a kickboxing class, or that you’ve been going with a

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friend to paint and learn about art. All these are perfect because they make him see new and unexpected dimensions of your personality. (See the bonus “Back To Life” guide to look at how you’re going to build a whole new awesome lifestyle during the No-Contact Period that you can come and talk to him about). – Talk about a book you’re reading - e.g. “I just finished the new Jonathan Franzen book. I thought it was incredible. You’ve got to get it!” Recommendations are also a great way to re-initiate, because they start the conversation on totally neutral ground without calling to mind your relationship and break up. If you both love books, films or music, talking about and sharing these things in a fun way is much more likely to get you both enjoying the conversation. – Talk about how excited you are in your career (and mention your plans for the future) Another great topic is discuss the future, namely, how many exciting plans you have coming up and ideas for what you want to do next. Maybe tell him you’d love to move somewhere just to try a new city. Or say that you just found this incredible new opportunity online and you’ve started an application. Or maybe you met with someone for advice on starting a website or your own business and you mention how excited you are to be working on it. This lets him see that you are progressing in your life, which is incredibly attractive. – Mention friends you’ve been hanging out with

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It can be very powerful to mention new people in your life, because it keeps him guessing about where you’ve been and what you are doing. While you should never try to actively make him jealous, it’s no bad thing if he assumes you’re hanging out with a new crowd and wonders who else they are introducing you to. – Talk about a fun day you spent recently in an interesting place Maybe you went to the beach and had a blast. Maybe you finally went to that museum you kept talking about. Or you took a weekend trip with your family. Tell him about how much fun it was and what you got up to. It’s great at this point for him to hear you are active and doing exciting things for your own pleasure. Now, with all these conversations, resist the urge to get too deep, or to ask him about his current emotional situation. Even just breaking the fun vibe by asking him “So how are you feeling?” brings it to a more serious place which can lead to uncomfortable discussions, which you certainly don’t want to be having by text or Facebook. Eventually in one of your conversations, you want to look for a moment where the fun you are having together peaks and while you’re both in that happy state, say: “We have to catch up properly sometime!” You don’t say this in your first interaction though! Make sure you’ve had a few small chats here and there before you even think of suggesting a meet up. Don’t jump the gun and sound too eager or it may turn him away. He needs to feel like things are casual between the two of you and that the dust has settled after the breakup. If you invite him out on the first conversation it seems like you haven’t even tried to move

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on at all, and he’ll wonder if you even realised the two of you are broken up.

How Much Should You Keep Talking Before Meeting Up? Remember, any sign you are trying to rush things and get him back is going to make him feel that he’s still being chased and that you are only pretending to have let go of the relationship in order to get him back. That is not what you’re doing. .

So, perhaps let’s say the first time you got back in touch you just recommended him a movie. Maybe you messaged him on Facebook saying “I just saw Mad Max at the cinema. If you haven’t watched it, go see it! You’d love it.” Then just leave that message with him. No follow up questions. Just wait for his reply. If he doesn’t reply at all, keep going with No-Contact. This might sound like extremely difficult right now, but honestly your best move after that is to leave it entirely, carry on recovering on your own, and move on with your life. If your ex wants to get back in touch, he will respond to the message eventually. Or he’ll just message you eventually. But do not ever rush things by sending him multiple messages and repeating the same attempt to no avail. You can always send him a message in a few months as one last try to see what happens. But save that for later.

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It’s always possible that your ex was 100% certain in his decision, that unless he sees you as a totally different person, he simply won’t want to get back together. In that case, moving on is still your best bet so that you don’t waste anymore time with this guy. That’s the worst case scenario. What’s more likely though is that your ex still misses you and will get back in touch to an initial text (or he’ll text you at some point, which also happens a lot). So let’s imagine a typical conversation: Him: “Hey! How’s it going? Just wanted to see what’s happening in your life?” You: “Hey, I just was at an art workshop. So much fun!” With this first response notice that you don’t need to ask any questions back. Keep it short right now and gauge where he’s going in the conversation. Let him do more of the questions so you can find out if this is general chit-chat or something more. So the conversation might go on: Him: “That sounds awesome, I’ve just been working a lot. What’s been going on at work lately?” Her: “Well, i’m planning this new project which I’m really excited about because…(etc. etc.) Perhaps your first conversation will feel a little bit like this. Chances are he’s just checking in and is curious to know everything about

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your world right now. Don’t feel the need to talk too much and give away a lot at this point, just be friendly and polite. He may do one of two things. He might either (a) excuse himself and say goodbye, or (b) get more emotionally serious (i.e. saying things like “I miss you” or “I’ve missed hearing your voice”). .

This text might be something like: “Remember when we had that silly arm wrestling contest and we broke all the dinner plates on the table? I just found another chunk of plate under my couch!”. Or you can send him a Missed Opportunity Text, in which you tell him something funny you saw or somewhere amazing you went that he would have loved. For example, if he loves Jazz you could say: “I just saw a live jazz band playing Miles Davis and Chet Baker songs. Such a cool place!”. Or perhaps you went to a reading by his favourite author, or saw a great concert, or visited a place you both talked about. Any of these can be used at this point in a message (only one short message though!). After a few conversations (assuming you have first completed No-Contact and cutt off your ex for a while first), you may just find that your ex may suggest meeting up. How you respond to this depends on how he proposes this meeting. If he goes in very deep, by saying: “I really think we should talk” you should respond somewhat cautiously, since this does not necessarily

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mean he wants to get back with you, and if you jump at it too quickly you won’t show him that you have boundaries. Simply reply by asking “What do you want to talk about?”. Or if he says “Can we meet to talk?”, you can respond: “Look, I’d like to meet too, it’s been difficult not seeing you, but I also know that I need to move on from this relationship and this may just hurt both of us more. If you want to talk about something serious like our relationship then we can discuss that together, but if you don’t know what you want and you just want to hang out then I think it’s best we don’t spend too much time together”. This is going to feel very counter-intuitive, but letting him know here that you have boundaries and don’t want to be messed around is crucial to showing your value. He may then say he wants to meet and discuss the relationship, in which case, arrange a time to get together soon. But if he just replies to your message by saying “I’m not sure what I want…” then be careful: it probably means he misses you but isn’t sold on getting back together right now, in which case you should just say: “Well, let me know when you’re more clear about what you want and we can always talk then.” However, there’s also the chance that you and your ex will talk very light-heartedly, and maybe will just joke around via text a couple of times. If the mood is very light, and he suggests meeting up in a casual way ONLY see him if it’s something that’s very convenient for you. When he suggests meeting up, you can always say: “I’m in your part of town Friday, if our timings match we can grab a coffee”.

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If you want to make this message more interesting simple additions will do this. For example “I’m in your part of town on Friday, we should grab a coffee so I can keep making fun of you”. This works well if you’ve been teasing him in your messages. Or: “We should grab a coffee and geek out on the movies we’ve been watching”, a nice one to use if you are both movie buffs. These work well only as long as you have left enough distance and time for your ex to not feel that this is a ploy on your part to win him back. That’s why you also need to make it sound as casual and non-committal as possible (and DO NOT do it at either of your houses – make sure it’s somewhere neutral and innocuous like a coffee place near your work). If you give a reason for meeting up (teasing him, geeking out on movies together) no matter how tenuous it is, it gives purpose to your meeting and distracts emotions away from the feelings of awkwardness which might arise from the notion of seeing each other again. There may be other scenarios in which you see your ex at a party or a birthday of a mutual friend, in which case, treat that event as one where you are still keeping some distance with your ex. Be friendly, but do not use it as an excuse to reconnect and spend lots of time talking one-on-one with him. Be nice and say hi, but spend most of the night with other friends and leave on your own terms. He can always text you later or call if he wanted to talk more and hang out privately. If he NEVER once suggests meeting up, you can JUST ONCE propose the idea of meeting, but make it sound very casual and if possible link it up with another social event: e.g. “I’m going to a

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house party on Tuesday, let me know if you fancy getting a coffee after work that day before I go home and get changed.” Notice how you’re still leaving it in his court to actually pick up the ball and run with it by asking to see you, and you haven’t put yourself on the line by having to actually pose it as a question. It’s merely a suggestion he can decide whether to not to take you up on.

Option C: The Phone Call If Facebook is low risk, and texting is in the middle, the highest-risk strategy for reconnecting with your ex is the phone call. This very much relies on your ability to be fun and casual over the phone. Can you call him without becoming upset, crying, or becoming emotional at the very sound of his voice? If the answer is no, leave the phone for now. If you do call him out of the blue, the same rules apply that have just been mentioned. The best way to be casual is to call him when you’re walking down the street, as if you called him while you were on your way to somewhere else. The easiest thing to do is to call him and tell him about something you are doing right now that playfully reminded you of him. This can lead into a longer conversation of course. But don’t worry if it doesn’t lead to a meeting on the call. You can always text him to catch-up in person after the call as if it were an afterthought. Of course there’s no need to make the meeting about coffee. It just happens to be a casual way you can meet for conversation. It could just as easily be about him having to see some new artwork you’ve created which you wanted him to see, or joining you for a drink before you go and meet up with friends one night. The important

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part is that you are not arranging a three-hour meet, but an informal setting for a short amount of time.

Where to go to meet him…. Drinks before you go out with friends - This is great because you have an excuse to look amazing, smell great, and then he imagines you going out and all these people hitting on you. It will actually make him want to text you that night. It also makes you look nondesperate because you are squeezing him in before something else. Coffee in the middle of the day - It’s casual, it’s non-formal, depending on your body language (see my later notes on affection and body language) and it can be as long or as short as you want it to be. It may be that you have somewhere to be afterwards, which you can conveniently cancel if you find you are both engrossed in conversation and want it to last longer. Beware however of having it last the entire day. The key with this date is to build intrigue and desire, not rebuild the entire relationship in a day. This is an especially good date if you can make it outside on a sunny day. Grab a juice or a coffee - or an ice cream! – and go sit in a park somewhere. It also allows for a little tactility. In a lunch break of your new job - If you have a new job, or even a new activity or hobby that you are enjoying, meet him during a break in a break. It will give you the chance to show a different side of yourself - perhaps you’ll even be in work clothes - and create a new image of yourself for him. Make it a ‘walking’ date. Simply pick a spot to start from and suggest walking around. [Side note: This is NOT a walk down memory lane]. This is just a fun way for you to have an experience that is more dynamic than simply sitting across from each other the

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entire time. You’re likely to find that conversation will flow more freely and it’ll help eliminate the nerves you feel in the beginning to be distracted by your surroundings. Warning! Avoid doing something that harkens back to what you would have done with him in ‘the good ol’ days’. If the two of you always used to go to a certain favorite restaurant and then see a movie, repeating this will feel like you are trying to revisit the past. This should be an opportunity for him to see you in a fresh light. That doesn’t mean doing something extreme like paintballing. In fact, the experience shouldn’t be anything that gives the impression of having put too much effort or thought into it.

*One last thing* - A Word On Intimacy-Limitation Under absolutely no circumstances should the meetup take place at either of your homes and certainly not late at night. Being drunk is a bad idea at this stage, and being in a scenario which may lead to you both sleeping together is going to be too much too soon. You want to avoid that temptation and sexual tension altogether. If you sleep together right now, it’s possible that he, or even you, are going to wake up confused and filled with regret as soon as it’s over. Right now, you’re going for an IntimacyLimitation Strategy. Not to mention that having him back to your house at this stage would be too personal. It reveals too much about where you are at in your life, and the whole point of this new first encounter is to maintain a sense of mystery and distance. This also means no grand gestures. Nothing that says this is an orchestrated event where you have tried to be romantic. It needs to be ambiguous as to whether you are still interested or not at this stage.

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Summary of Step 1 • •

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Have a No Contact Period - do not initiate any communication with your ex for 21 days. The ONLY contact you can make is via a Goodbye Letter, which you should send 4-5 days after the break up - keep it short and positive and say goodbye to let him know you’ve accepted his decision. If your ex is the one who makes contact with you, make sure you respond with STRENGTH, HUMILITY, and RESILIENCE - Let him see you are making the best of the situation. Do not text him repeatedly and keep conversations short when he makes contact. Do not go into Victim Mode - no desperate phone calls, no begging for him back, no trying to convince him or guilt him to taking you back by saying how much you need him. Treat all social media like a company brand - do not post anything referring to the relationship, and don’t post pictures that attempt to make your ex jealous. Keep it classy i.e. (picture of you at Farmer’s Market in a summer dress). After the No Contact Period, get in touch via Facebook, text, or on the phone. Go for a LR-LI Strategy (low-risk, low-investment strategy). Make a casual comment via text or social media (light, positive e.g. “I saw you finally went to that Japanese place on the high street, HOW incredible are their dumplings? Hope you’re well x”) Arrange a casual meet-up where you can just hang out. Do NOT say you want to meet to discuss the relationship or anything deep (unless he specifically has asked for the meet up to talk about the relationship and getting back together). Intimacy Limitation - Maintain a sense of mystery and distance right now - no sex or inviting him over to your home.

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STEP 2 Make Your Life Irresistible To Him Now that you know how to start making contact with your ex again, it’s important that you also know how you’re going to build your own confidence. This is a CRUCIAL step towards making your ex see you as someone he could be with in the long-term. What you don’t want to do is just get your ex back for one night, or for a short-term fling that falls apart again when the same issues crop up. So now is your time to take care of yourself and work on aspects of your own life so that you have an Aura of Incredible Positivity and satisfaction when you meet up with your ex again.

The Art Of The Unfamiliar - Being The Girl He Doesn’t Recognize Anymore One of the most important mantras I say on my GettheGuy seminars is that, ‘men want to pluck you out of happiness, into happiness’. In other words, a guy doesn’t want to feel like he is taking someone who is miserable, dissatisfied and lonely, and bringing her into a fulfilled relationship. He wants to feel like you are able to get your needs met by yourself with or without a relationship. I’ve always said that we don’t come to relationships to create an extraordinary existence, we come to them to share one with someone else.

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Even if you are a strong person, a break-up can shatter your ego and leave you feeling bereft and mentally isolated from your old self. That’s why we’re now going to re-build and bring you back even stronger than before! When your ex sees that you are making positive changes in your life, like taking care of your body, not sleeping in, getting out in the world, making friends and keeping up with your career and passions, he’s going to notice that you are thriving, and he’s going to feel that the first time you actually see him after the break-up.

The Hangover Model vs. Athlete Model Of Break-up Recovery This is something you’re going to read more about in Stephen’s bonus e-book mentioned above, but right now I want to make it clear in case you haven’t read it: There is a Hangover Model to Recovery and there is an Athlete Model of Recovery after a break-up. The Hangover Model refers to what you would usually do to restore yourself after a night of drinking . You’ll sleep in late, drag yourself around the house in your pajamas all day, and proceed to laze around the house, aimlessly flicking through TV channels and ordering pizza, vowing to yourself to do something

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. I get it. Break-ups put you through the emotional wringer. You feel like you need a good slice of indulgence right now to get you back to equanimity. If Domino’s pizza and chugging full- fat coke in front of a Game Of Thrones marathon is your way to do that, who am I to judge? I’m not judging, but I will say you need to keep this moping period as short as possible. Like, 24 hours short. I don’t want to sound like a drill sergeant, but now is the time for you to be moving and improving, not just physically but in all sorts of ways. You have a golden opportunity right now to get back on the treadmill and really spend time on yourself in a proactive way which many people rarely give themselves. Break-ups provide you with an incredible new block of time which didn’t exist previously. Now, if you’re not careful, this time can become a void, a black hole that sucks you in and has you meandering through the dark, allowing weeks and even months to fall off the calendar before you finally scream “Enough!” and despairingly try to claw your way back out again. I don’t want you to be in despair. I want you to be feeling good and making progress now. The sooner you start, the sooner things are going to improve and you’re going to be in a place where you can surprise your ex again. So what we’re going to be using is the Athlete Model Of Recovery. The Athlete Model of recovery refers to the way sports stars gain full health after suffering from an injury. They don’t simply sit back,

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lie in a bed for three months and wait to heal. They ease back into training - they resume their healthy regime and stick to a nutrition and recovery plan to build up their strength again. This is where you’re going to be coming from during the time you’re not seeing your ex. And isn’t just about exercise. It’s about choosing to spend your time in ways that inspire you, ways that are productive, ways that make you fulfilled. It’s about spending time with people who give you energy rather than drain it. It’s about grabbing control back and taking your entire life into your hands again.

Why You Need To Do This Now! I really need to stress that you have no time to sit around and decide when to do this. See, right now, your ex is going to be going through what we call the ‘Lag Period’. This is the crucial window of time that starts the moment he broke up with you and ends the moment he moves on. It’s the period of time when he’s technically single, but he’s still a wounded soldier who’s not enjoying the benefits of being single yet. He’s missing you, he’s missing the connection and intimacy of a relationship, and even if he thought the break-up was the right decision, he’s realizing what he has lost. And during this window that sense of loss is not yet compensated by this fun, adventurous, single life he imagined for himself. Any encounters he has with other women don’t live up to what he had with you. Meeting other women is probably depressing for him right now. During this Lag Period, you have the golden opportunity to start afresh, and move your life away from all the negative feelings he might have had towards you and the relationship.

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If you now seem more positive, fun and energetic than ever, he’s going to start wondering who he let go, and why he’s not in a relationship with you anymore. Alternatively, if you seem to be moping around the house and feeling sorry for yourself at this point, calling him and telling him how lonely you are and how much you need him, he’s going to think to himself: “Well, at least I’m not back in that situation anymore!”. When you build back up and rise like a phoenix from the ashes, your ex is going to go from thinking: “Thank god I’m out of a relationship” to suddenly worrying “Have I done something stupid by letting her go?” You growing now gives him something to keep up with, and raises your Perceived Challenge and therefore spikes his attraction (See our earlier Attraction Formula on this). If your guy loved you, chances are in this LAG period, or at SOME point, he is going to have a weak moment, a moment in which he questions whether it was right to end the relationship and he’ll start to yearn to hear your voice again and know how you’re doing. Sometimes he’ll call just because he’s curious and wants to know if you’re moving on. The best thing you can do when he calls is to be getting on with your life and thriving. This stokes his NUMBER ONE fear in the lag period, which is the idea that you might get over him!

The Moving Train Mindset - Your Confident New Mindset That Makes Him Chase You Again I want you to picture a man sat alone at a train station. He looks up from his newspaper, and sees that his train has just pulled up to the platform. He is about to walk to one of the carriages, when he

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notices suddenly there is no departure time on the notice board. It simply reads: “Delayed Indefinitely. Please Stand By”. He realises that this train is going to wait right where it is, pulled up just next to him with the doors open. It could be there for hours, it could be all day. Suddenly it dawns on him that it hardly matters at all whether he gets on this train or not - he could leave now and wander about town, only to return later on and find the train patiently waiting, just as he left it. So he wanders off. He stretches his legs. He looks around to see what his other options might be. And now this train that he was once eager to be on board doesn’t seem so attractive. It seems like it will hover here forever waiting in place. Why should he ever bother getting on board? If you’ll forgive the extended metaphor, the train in the story is you, and the man wondering whether he should leave the platform and get on board is your ex. When your ex ended the relationship, he stepped out of the train. He’s decided to be on the platform wandering around alone. But what if that train was suddenly going somewhere exciting, somewhere new, somewhere he wants to travel to but has never seen that train drive to before? The ideal scenario for you right now is to start pulling your train out of the station. You don’t want your ex to feel like that train is going to stand still and then predictably cruise through the same old tracks he’s always seen it pass through. You want him to feel like that train is starting to pull away, and slowly but surely, each carriage is no longer becoming accessible as it pulls out of the station and

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moves past the platform. If he’s not careful, he’ll have to run and sprint and leap to get back on the train again. The train may wait for him. It may not. But one thing is for certain: The Train Is Moving. This is how it should feel when you are building your new life. A great example of how you can display this Moving Train Mentality is when your ex calls you. Maybe he has called your phone a few times or has sent a few messages and you couldn’t get back to him because you were out with your friend trying that new ice cream place in town. You get back to him with a casual: “Hey, what’s up? Saw you called.” This is the confident but casual attitude that makes your ex see you are moving on with things. Then when he asks you where you’ve been, it’s going to sound unfamiliar, new, intriguing. Hey, maybe you’ve also started an application for a job today, or sent your polished article out to a couple of editors for feedback. Maybe you’re out running circuits in the park with your friend, taking a hike or trying kickboxing classes. My point isn’t for you to start doing things at random - it’s to start doing things that make your ex see you in a new light. Anything which shows: (a) confidence, (b) self-belief, (c) growth, and (d) a sense of the unexpected (i.e. something that wouldn’t be predictable to him), is perfect for your new activity. When you follow this step (in conjunction with the stuff you learnt in Bonus No.1), you’re going to start living in a way that your ex will notice when you next see him and completely turn his expectations. Before we delve into the next step, let’s briefly recap:

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Summary of Step 2 • •

Start building your life again. Begin the process of getting your needs met outside the .

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Adopt the Athlete Recovery Model for recovery, not the Hangover Model. Do this now to make the most of your ex’s ‘Lag Period’. Adopt the Moving Train Mindset - i.e. (don’t hang around waiting for your ex to get back on board! You won’t get him back by standing still). Seek out activities which show you are embracing confidence, self-belief, growth and a sense of the unexpected.

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STEP 3 Blow Him Away With Your NEW First Impression The idea that you only get one chance at a first impression may be true. But it is not true to say that you can’t change someone’s initial impression of you in the second attempt. Clearly the guy you had a relationship with doesn’t just have a first or a second impression of you, he has formed an entire picture of who you are, what you look like, what drives you, what you love, and what you believe. You might think that this makes it difficult to change his impression of you. This may be true, but it’s also what makes the subtlest of changes so powerful now. His long held ideas about you can be challenged with the subtlest shift, which becomes all the more profound because it doesn’t fit with what he thinks he knows about you on a deep level. Now how are you going to change his impression of you? You’re going to go on a date. As previously mentioned in Step 1, once you’ve re-established contact with your ex (using the techniques and attitude outlined earlier in this guide), you need to find a chance to be alone with your ex. But remember, this is a casual meet-up. This is just hanging out for a while with no implication that this meeting is about either (a) getting back together, (b) having ‘deep and meaningful’ talks

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about the relationship, or (c) discussing how you are both dealing with moving on past the break up. So all you’re going to do is finish any regular conversation with your ex by saying “we should hang out this week!” or “I’m gonna try that new coffee/ice cream/bookstore this week if you wanna come check it out!”. Now you’ve arranged a chance to make a new first impression. If you’ve followed the preceding steps i.e. you adhered to a No Contact period (see Step 1), and you’ve worked on Making Your Life Irresistable (see Step 2), you’re going to be in a position to show your ex a whole different side to yourself. More on this to come. But first things first….what are you going to wear?! Part of creating a new first impression is your image . We all know image is important . And since this is your opportunity to make a fresh impression on your ex, I’ve take this opportunity to bring you something a little special . As qualified as I am on dating advice, my fashion expertise, especially as it regards women, is rather more lacking . So I’ve brought you a gentleman who is not only my personal stylist, but a stylist to some of the biggest stars in the world, Daniel Musto . This is not an easy man to get access to, as Daniel is one of the most sought-after image gurus in the business, so I’m delighted to be able to have been able to pull some strings and have Daniel provide a video for you sharing some of his best secrets just for you . You can find Daniel’s video in the members area I’ve created to accompany this program . Just click on the video titled “Irresistible You” and you’ll be able to watch Daniel’s tips now! He is going to be taking you through outfits and styles that will make your ex look at you like it’s the first time he’s ever seen you. It’s important he sees you with fresh eyes, because it will also set

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the tone that things are not quite as he remembers. It will be much easier to convince him of deeper level changes if he sees a new you on the surface. In addition to what Daniel will be telling you I also want to add a brief note on smell.

Get To His Heart Through His Nose It may seem like a minor thing, but make sure you smell good before you leave. You can go one of two ways here. Either (a) wear a brand new scent that you know guys love, or (b) wear something you know he used to love when you wore it. There are pros and cons to both. For the former, your new scent will hit him and create new feelings. That smell will be linked to the experience he is having with you in the present. But with the latter, you appeal to all of the emotions he used to feel when he was with you. If you have the advantage of already knowing what fragrance he loves, go ahead and use it. There is such a thing as olfactory memory, also known as ‘smell memory’, which makes smells such a powerful gateway to memories and emotions. The olfactory bulb, which is responsible for the perception of odors, is part of the brain’s limbic system. The limbic system is often referred to as the “emotional brain” because it’s so closely associated with memory and feeling. Your smell can call up memories and powerful emotional responses from him almost instantaneously. Your fragrance therefore can be a powerful way to go down memory lane without it appearing that are trying to. In fact, it can provide a powerful contrast to have the combination of a smell that is familiar

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to him, with parts of your new look that are unfamiliar to him. In this we create the desired effect of simultaneous comfort and distance, which is important for attraction with your ex.

How To Act When You See Him On The Date Now that you’ve gotten ready the right way, let’s talk about the energy you have when you see him. Arriving in a great state of mind is key. You certainly don’t want to arrive with any sense of drama in your life, moaning, or negativity. You wouldn’t bring these things to a first date, so don’t bring them to him just because you know him. This rule is absolutely paramount, so it bears repeating in full: Act with your ex as if it were your first date. On a first date, there is no drama. You don’t come in and begin complaining about your boss at work, or emotionally venting about how difficult things are right now, and you definitely don’t begin grilling a guy on his deepest emotions. First dates are about fun it’s exactly the same here. You want your ex right now to associate nothing but good times and light-heartedness with being with you. Remember: he’s probably going to be expecting some superserious-solemn-long-and-emotional conversation about the state of the relationship right now. But if you engage in that, you’ll just fire off neurons in his brain that tell him relationships are ‘heavy’ and ‘difficult’ and ‘draining’. You don’t want any of those words associated with you. Any ‘heavy conversations’ right now are pure, distilled Kryptonite to your ex. See, when men break up with a girl, either because they fight too much, or they feel frustrated, or because she’s needy and jealous, or because she was too controlling, for that month or two after the

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break up his head is going to be telling him “Go! Be Free! Live your life without restraint. Without drama or difficulty! Dance through the golden meadow of careless, single freedom!” Right now then, it is crucial that you don’t overload him with emotion and ‘working things through’. The smart woman will instead, at this point, blindside him with just how relaxed and casual she can be. This throws him off-balance, and as we already know, throwing him off balance is half the battle when it comes to attraction. It’s not about being over-the-top happy, it’s more about an authentic positivity which puts you in the role of being easygoing and relaxed. Again, you don’t pretend you are joyful about the break-up, or it will come across as false (I call this tactic Going To Pleasantville, because it’s the woman who tries waayyy too hard to pretend everything is super-shiny perfect at all times). He knows you so he’s likely to sense any pretend version of in you trying to appear happy. Instead, if he asks you how things are, or gives you a look and says “So how have you been?” Just respond with something brief like “Yea, I’m good.”, but not in a peppy-happy way like “I’m GOOD!!! :)”. More in a kind of calmly positive way, - a tone that is positive but not trying-too-hard. After you say this don’t elaborate further. That’s a trap you don’t want to fall down. The less you say about how you’ve been, the more you’re going to have him wondering, which is what you want right now. Now is not the time to dwell on feelings. Instead, it’s much better to chat casually about new things you’ve been doing, ideally something that sounds intriguing or different in your life. Now there’s one big question you may be asking: “How affectionate should I be when I see him?”

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Put simply, you should not be all over your ex. In fact, part of your power is in letting him feel your presence without all the affection he used to get when he was in a relationship with you. There is something of the forbidden fruit about having an ex in front of you whom you can’t touch or kiss like you once could. Use this to your advantage. That being said, you do want to engage in just enough affection for him to feel your closeness and your warmth. This is most easily done with a hug and kiss (on the cheek!) on arrival. Don’t do this awkwardly. Remember, any hint of awkwardness is a distraction from the two of your just having fun together and enjoying each other’s company again. It’s also a cue that you still care too much. What will throw him off his guard is if he can see you. Show up and be ultra comfortable and hug him with a relaxed and carefree attitude. When you do hug him, allow it to linger for a second. No more than an extra second, but somewhere in between a quick awkward hug and a prolonged “I don’t want to let you go hug”. It should communicate the warmth of showing you are pleased to see him, and give him long enough to take you in. This is the ‘Sweet Spot’ of well calibrated physical contact. Just enough so he feels enticed without seeming like you’re treating him like he’s still your boyfriend. Familiar, but not overly-intimate. Remember too what I mentioned about scent. Your hug with him is a vital chance for him to smell that familiar scent and get all of those memories, emotions and feelings of attachment back. It’s important to note that these reactions happen in his brain without his choosing.

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Your body language when you meet him .

In the case of getting your ex back, the advice differs slightly. In the beginning the unfamiliarity that can be achieved by sitting across each other at a table can actually be helpful. It breaks rapport a little, and makes it more difficult to touch. Your ex is someone you have had deep rapport with in your relationship, so to immediately go back there would prevent you from creating any sense of ‘Perceived Challenge’ (See Attraction Formula earlier). You already have a connection with this person, so creating a little bit of a barrier to begin with won’t hurt. And the fact that he can’t easily get close to you or touch you is something that will increase his desire and your value at the same time. You can of course find yourself getting closer as the date goes on, perhaps when you change locations for example you might end up sitting side by side. But this shouldn’t be immediate, and even when it does should not be followed by increasing your intimacy with him. More on this later. In terms of your personal body language, knowing him has its benefits. You already know what mannerisms he used to find cute or sexy when you did them, so this is your chance to use them. If he ever said he likes when you wrinkle your nose if you don’t like something, or a cute face you pull, use it.

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There is a balance to be struck with your body language when you are sat with him. Don’t be closed off, or fidgety. At the same time, don’t look so comfortable that you feel nothing in the situation. If you’re looking for the right tone in your body language, think of natural first-date nerves when you’re with someone new. There’s a little tension, and the nerves are fun and flirtatious. A nice example of this would be to look away at times during the date so that you give him opportunities to look at you without being caught. Let him take you in.

Showing Your Growth Evidence of growth is powerful. When we see someone having made changes in their life it is inspiring. Even the smallest changes in person we know can seem profound, and make someone new to us once again (think of a normally lazy family member who suddenly becomes health-conscious, or a previously gloomy uncle who suddenly shows warmth and positivity). It is also, dare I say a little intimidating at times to watch someone moving ahead, making us feel like we need to catch up with the person in order to play at their level. Let’s revisit our attraction formula for a moment. When you show a guy you have grown it again raises your ‘Perceived Challenge’ because now your ex realizes you have not stagnated, rather, your train has left the station and he’d better grow at the same pace or be left behind. Let’s step outside of the realm of getting your ex back for a moment. We can all picture past relationships where we know there were things we didn’t do very well. That’s not to say the other person didn’t have their own share of flaws, but we all know the aspects of our own personality we aren’t too proud of.

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Perhaps it was an over controlling nature. A tendency to over analyze every little thing. A possessiveness, or jealousy that came through far too often during wrong moments. .

Or maybe it was even selfishness. A lack of thoughtfulness. Being so wrapped up in your own needs and wants that you didn’t devote any time and energy to cater to his. I always remember having a conversation with an ex of mine where I asked her honestly what had broken us up. I wouldn’t usually put myself through that particular form of torture, but this was the first person to ever really break my heart. I asked her in a moment of pro-active vulnerability and with a desire to grow from the answer, “What was it that didn’t work for you in our relationship? What did you grow tired of ?”. I knew I was unlikely to be happy with the answer; in fact, I knew the answer had the ability to begin a whole new insecurity for me that I might not have thought about before. Insecurity is a funny thing after all; you can spend your whole life focused on a small handful of self-accepted deficiencies, only to find that there were even more to pick from had we known what people really thought about us at any given moment (though luckily, the same could be said for our strengths). She replied to me in a tentative tone as a futile attempt to sugarcoat what she was about to say “Well…honestly…you were boring”. I sat on the phone to her with gritted teeth, doing my best to muster the courage to ask another probing question which might further grind

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salt into the wound. “Ok…what made me boring?”. “Well, you never wanted to go out, you were so busy with work, you sat all day and night on your laptop or your phone, and the whole relationship just lost its spontaneity. You were so focused on what you were trying to achieve that it was like your ambition took over the relationship. When I first met you your ambition was one of the sexiest things about you, but it ended up being the only thing there was”. When she told me this I was of course taken aback, bruised and if I’m honest a little pissed. Did she not realize how many criticisms I had of her? But I resisted the childish response of listing my own grievances. Besides, I couldn’t fault her logic. We often don’t want to agree with our exes, especially the ones that hurt us, or the ones that we’ve convinced ourselves were the sole party in the wrong in the relationship, but the truth is every once in a while they have something to teach us about ourselves. Remember, just because someone was wrong FOR us it doesn’t mean there were not times when they were right ABOUT us. Of course, the truth she uttered didn’t make her right for me. It just became a gift she gave me to take with me to the next person. She had given me an interesting pathway for my own growth. .

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One of the greatest ways to throw your ex off guard and have them wondering about you again is to show that certain negative qualities that you had before are not present now, or are even replaced by new strengths which he previously was completely unaware of. To revisit the example of my ex, let’s suppose I was back on a date with her, and I began describing a music festival I went to the week before. Just this one example would be suggestive of a different side to me than she had known. In her mind she might be thinking “Wait a minute, that’s not work related, that’s just fun related… does he do stuff just for fun these days? How curious.” It’s amazing just how suggestive one anecdote or example said aloud can be. What you want to do then is create a disconnect between what they think they know to be true about you, and what is actually true about you today. There’s an important distinction I should make here in the types of changes you should make. If he gets the impression that something you have altered in yourself has been done solely for the purposes of making him happy, it will send a message of desperation and reek of inauthenticity. If I genuinely didn’t think I was ‘boring’ in my previous relationship, trying to change it would have not only looked like a spineless attempt to win her back, it would have compromised who I am, (and I would probably have never stuck to my new fun identity for long). It only helped me because upon deeper reflection I know that she had pointed out something that I had partly suspected in myself and something that I know would continue to affect future relationships if I didn’t change it. Namely that I didn’t have enough balance in my life, and consequently had little variety in my schedule and little to talk about other than work. Boredom personified! (I wince thinking about myself at that stage now).

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So it’s important that you agree with the change and have personal motivation for it. So allow me to say it again ONE MORE TIME: Do not make any change that you would not otherwise benefit from making were he not in your life. If you follow this rule, getting your ex back as a result of these changes will simply be a by-product of a bigger plan for your own self-growth, not the goal in-and-of itself. But note that this rule does not necessarily always hold when you are in a relationship. We all know that when we are with someone there are certain changes and compromises we make because it’s good for our partner, though it wouldn’t necessarily be something we would be doing if it weren’t for them. Certain sacrifices are part of committed relationships. But you are not in a relationship with your ex, you are separated, and therefore you are looking to show him how you have evolved as an individual since being with him. The rule of ‘show’ don’t ‘tell’ is a useful one here. You ideally want to display your new habits indirectly through the things you talk about or the kind of energy you have (for example, if he used to get annoyed at you complaining and being overly negative, you suddenly being calmly optimistic and relaxed will subtly communicate how that has changed). But sometimes it may be appropriate to tell him of the changes you’ve made, albeit in the subtlest possible way. For example, in a moment of premeditated and controlled vulnerability you may admit during conversation that something he said back when you were together had stuck with you and inspired a change in you today: “I always remember what you said to me about creating

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my own life, and you were right. That’s something I’ve been really excited about doing over the last few months”. Notice that this is framed in a positive way of being something you have been excited to implement as a change, rather than something you have reluctantly accepted. It also communicates the message in a way that creates a challenge for him. He may have inspired the change, but it doesn’t alter the fact that the change itself has created more Perceived Value for you. It’s quite common in relationships for people to tell their partners of the things they want them to change, and then precisely when they realize they have made the change that was asked, feel threatened by the result. Ironically many of us are actually more content with complaining about something our partner does than facing the power disruption that happens when they respond by actually making it. Never forget that in any relationship your power doesn’t always come from being defiant, but more often it comes from responding to criticism by actually improving yourself. What could keep your partner more on their toes than that? Let’s take a few examples to illustrate this: 1. When he says “you are too controlling!” - You become MORE at peace and focus more on yourself rather than trying to control him. 2. When he grows tired of your jealousy - You decide to treat him with the utmost loyalty and you resolve simply to leave if he violates your standards rather than dominate every aspect of his behaviour. 3. When he says he feels bored in the bedroom - You decide to learn a few new tricks.

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4. When he shows a desire to go out alone with his friends and have a good time - You respond by encouraging it instead of trying to be a part of everything he does. When you respond to such demands with genuine growth from your side, you gain two powers: (1) You become the exception (since most people just react with coldness or anger when someone criticizes them), and (2) You win in the long-term, since you take on new habits and behaviours that make you better equipped for ANY relationship in the future (as I said before, even those partners who were wrong for us can be right about something we need to work on). The best revenge is living well. Remember our Moving Train Mindset from Step 2? Well, every time you either show him your growth, or he sees how are moving on from the relationship, it’s as though you are firing up the engines on your train and pulling out of the station. Every act of independence on your part makes him feel like you’re pulling away. Each act of strength is pulling another carriage away. Then he has to run to catch up and get on! But let’s jump back to the previous example. Instead of telling him about your now rich and passionate life that is separate from him, what if you simply showed him? How might you do that? Well the very fact that you are in yoga clothes because you just came from a class tells him you have a new activity in your life. The fact that the three new friends you’ve made since you broke up are calling you while you are with him also subcommunicates that you have new connections which he is not a part of. When you respond to his idle chit-chat questions like “What you are up to this weekend?” by telling him how you are going hiking in

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the mountains with these new friends, you show him you are now trying new activities and interests you didn’t pursue when you were with him. Perhaps you even show him a picture of the mountain you are climbing. These are all examples of SHOW, not tell. For the purpose of another example, let’s go back to the idea of jealousy. If he always knew you to be the jealous type, but when he mentions an attractive quality in another woman you remain unfazed now, or perhaps even reiterate the attractive quality in the woman in question (e.g. “yea, she’s such a cool person. She’s so lovely.”), you are showing him you are not threatened, rather than having to expressly tell him that you are not the jealous type anymore. A quick word on jealousy: Some may argue that because this is your ex we’re talking about, you have a right to feel jealous, or at the very least, that it’s a normal feeling to have. As much as I agree that jealousy at this stage is an all-too-human feeling, we have to be careful of becoming too territorial over someone we aren’t actually in a relationship with. It will make you seem overly controlling and too invested. Remember, the most surprising thing you can do right now is adopt a Fonzie-like attitude: just be cool, fun, and totally laid back. The first thing he’ll probably expect from you is jealousy, coldness, or feigned indifference. You have to be the opposite of those things. Nice, fun, but totally unfazed. It will intrigue him more as he wonders why him being with other people doesn’t throw you, rather than him seeing you get agitated at the thought of it. When you

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get emotional, you just show him how much power he still has over you. But what if he throws it in your face? What if he makes a point of continuously bringing up other women that he is seeing romantically? If he does this, you just have another sign of this person’s lack of class and empathy, and rather than make you jealous, it should just be added to the pile of evidence which proves he’s not the sort of man you want in your life. It goes without saying of course that you shouldn’t engage in the reverse of this. Though you can allude to men in your life who are friends, it is in no way wise or classy to mention a guy (or guys) you’ve been seeing or sleeping with. But at a push, you may refer to men you have been on dates with, but do not refer to your interest in other men, and certainly not sexual encounters unless for some reason it cannot be avoided. The Golden Rule should be applied throughout your encounter with your ex: “Treat others as one would like others to treat oneself ”. Throughout this program so far I have talked about never intentionally making your ex jealous . However, I ought to stress that him thinking about the likelihood or possibility of you being on a date with another man right now is no bad thing . You might be thinking: “But if he thinks that I could be going on dates with someone else, won’t he think it’s all over??” No! He is a man, and when he hears that the woman for whom he has a list of “Top 10 Best Erotic Sexual Moments” recorded in his head (yes, that’s you!) is starting to move on and see another guy,

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his ‘hunter’ switch is going to flip and he’ll immediately think he’s made a mistake about letting you go. Men are possessive about women they love, and the hint that you are starting to move on will spring him into action. So while you never want to brag about some romantic encounter you recently had with another man, don’t be afraid to vaguely refer to the fact that you are thinking about dating, and that though people have asked you out you are taking it slowly right now (Men respond better to the threat of competition than to competition itself ). So don’t say: “Yes, I have been dating other men”. Just be VERY unspecific and don’t tell him ANY detail, but say that guys have asked you out and that you’re taking it slowly. It will drive him nuts and make him think about you even more. {Note: This is NOT about you trying to make him jealous, it’s about letting him know that you are moving on and can easily fall for another guy if he stalls for too long}.

Can’t You Just Fake It? You may be reading this wondering whether I am suggesting you simply manipulate your words and actions to make it look like things have all changed when in fact they have not. To make it seem like deep insecurities you had when you are with him are no longer present in you, only to later reappear in your relationship. I am not. These changes have to be real, and insecurities, bad habits and negative patterns in relationships don’t go away over night without any effort. For many people they take years to make, if they ever change them. It is precisely for this reason that it’s nearly impossible to trust a someone we’ve just tried to break up with when they come running

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back with tears in their eyes telling us they’ve changed and they now know what they need to do. There is a big difference between knowing what one needs to do and being able to do it. You’ll see this in movies. The guy doesn’t suddenly get back with the woman the first time she asks. He walks away, unsure of whether he can revisit that relationship. She cries at home, begins to feel a feeling of frustration and futility, and begins to accept the idea that it may never happen. With the acceptance comes a sense of calm, and she has a real shot at building her new life now that she’s not desperately clinging onto the result. She begins to make changes over the next couple of months, and when he sees her again, he sees all the changes she’s made, along with a sense of calm that he didn’t see before. Her value rises, as does her Perceived Challenge, and he has the sense that the changes are real because they aren’t motivated by the agenda of getting back together, but by real progress. I hope you are beginning to see a theme here. The only way to improve your love life, either by getting your ex back or by getting someone new is by sustainable and measurable improvements in the quality of your life. You may not yet know how to truly rid yourself of previous insecurities. It’s all very well to say ‘I don’t want to have my jealous insecure streak any more’, or ‘I don’t want to fear him leaving me every time we are not perfect’, but the reality of eradicating these long held fears and insecurities seems impossible. I’ll say this now, if you really want deep level change to deal with your deepest insecurities so that you have unstoppable self confidence and a deeper feeling of self worth than you’ve ever experienced, come and join me in person for 5 days on my Retreat Program . We’ll spend all day every day together working on making you the best version of you, and upgrading your life in every area. It’s a five day process where I coach you live in my ultimate formula for core

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Let’s assume for a moment that you’ve already made these changes, and you’re with your ex. There’s something you need to be aware of in the way your ex could react to these changes. If you’re lucky, he’s the ultra confident and supportive type who will just love seeing these changes in you. But there’s a strong chance that seeing a more evolved version of you will bring up some insecurities for him. People generally aren’t good at handling change, so his first reaction may be to test that change in you to see if it’s real or superficial, or even in a more sinister way to see if he can make you revert to your old type. Don’t take the bait. When you mention that you are going hiking and he says “I’m surprised to hear you say that. I always knew you to be such a princess who didn’t want to get dirty!”, your response shouldn’t be reactive by saying “well I’ve changed, you clearly don’t know me any more…”. You are not attempting to score points here, nor would you score any by reacting as such. Simply wear a knowing smile when he’s says it, give a cute playful shrug of the shoulders, and feel confident in the changes you’ve made. The more he feels you have nothing to prove, the more he’ll be drawn to you. It may seem like a cynical point, but there will also be a sense on his side of not wanting to lose his investment just as it begins to come to full blossom. When he sees these changes in you, along with all of the time and energy that’s gone into your relationship in the

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past, he’ll want to be the one to reap the benefits of the changes, not somebody else. It’s an unspoken message you are sending him that “If only we were together you would benefit from all of the ways I’ve grown”. Don’t be surprised to find that having made these changes you may in fact have grown out of him, something many of us only realize when we are faced with our old partners again in person, and not in our minds. If that happens, you’ll find yourself walking away with a big smile on your face regardless. I suspect there may be some readers at this stage who will be indignantly asking the question “Why do I have to show all of these ways I’ve changed? What about him?” If you are asking this question, I recommend you skip to the FAQ at the end of this document . The bottom line is, if it is change in HIM you are looking for to save the entire relationship, you shouldn’t be back there in the first place. If he has no motivation or thought about changing on his own, nothing you say or do is going to induce him to be any different right now. Unless of course, you want to hang around another five years to wait and see whether he does (Hint: You don’t)! When talking about your life, and the positive things that have happened, it’s important not to frame these things just in respect to a relationship. Show how any changes you have applied have enhanced your life in general. Talk about new projects in your life that you are excited about; it’s very beautiful to see someone who is grounded in a sense of purpose that doesn’t come from their relationship.

How To Answer His Probing Questions “So what have you been up to?” You may be wondering when you are going to talk about any new aspects of your life. Well, in any conversation it’s important to

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remember a crucial principle: You can answer any question with what you wanted to say anyway. When he asks you what you’ve been up to for example, start talking about the new gym you’ve been going to, or the new book you’ve been reading lately. In fact, you can even do this in response to him asking how you are. When you both sit down and he says “so how are you?” you can say “I’m really great…I’ve been reading this new book on concept of happiness and it’s changing my life…it talks about why people’s idea of what it takes to be happy is completely wrong…” It wouldn’t matter what you talked about here by the way. It could just as easily be: You: “I’ve been reading George Orwell’s 1984, have you read it? Oh wow, it’s one of the most important books of the last century so I thought I should, and it’s incredible, but it just might be the most depressing thing I’ve ever read”. Him: “Why, what happens?” You: “Well…” And so on. The effects of this are two fold. First, you’ll be employing a very elegant conversational technique whereby you take his initial questions and use them to talk about whatever you wanted to talk about anyway. This allows you to segue into books you are reading, new passions you have, new people you’ve met along the way, and even new beliefs and ideas that are

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swirling around in your mind – a sure sign that you are expanding and moving on with your life. The second effect is that of holding court and showing you can direct the conversation. You are showing you are in control and have the confidence that comes from your life being on an exciting adventure right now, with plenty to talk about. In the process you also give him lots of hooks to feed off of during conversation, so that you can keep talking for hours with ease. Other examples of responses to the “how are you?” question can be: “I’m great! I saw this amazing play last night…” He’ll naturally ask what and you’ll get to talk all about it, along with the reasons you thought it was amazing. “I’m great thank you! Though I’m a little nervous about the training session I have at the gym after this…this trainer kicks my ass every time” “I’m really well. I’ve been having so much fun lately…last weekend my friends and I all went to Dublin for the weekend, you should go, you’d love it” “I’m great! I was just talking with a friend about how happy everyone looks now that the sun is shining today. People keep talking to me and being so friendly” These are all answers that take the conversation in directions you want it to go, rather than him asking “How are you?” and you saying “Good thanks. You?” which does nothing for you. Remember again to make sure that you don’t use this opportunity to express feelings about the ending of your relationship, and what it’s been like since you broke up. This is not the time to dwell on

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your relationship with him, what went wrong, and what’s changed. Remember what we’ve talked about, show don’t tell. It’s actually useful to think of this situation like a normal first date. What is the aim of a first date? To create a spark. The rules of the game are the same here. Let him hear about your life and rediscover you as if he were discovering you for the first time on a first date. Remember all the methods from Step 2 that you’ve now shifted your life into overdrive? Not only will this be massively attractive to your ex when he sees you, but if you followed the previous step correctly, you’ll be having more fun and feeling a greater sense of fulfillment in your life, which is ultimately the point of all of this in the first place, right?

Summary of Step 3 •

Go on A Casual Meet-Up With Your Ex ‒‒ Do NOT talk about getting back together - Be uncertain about whether you even want to see anyone right now. ‒‒ No conversation about how hurt you were by the break up. ‒‒ DO make an effort to look hot on the date - it’s key to have your ex see you as sexually desirable and looking better than ever (Use Daniel Musto’s bonus video ‘Irresistible You’ which i’ve provided in the members’ area to do this). ‒‒ Wear a scent that drives him crazy.

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•

Show Evidence Of Your Recent Growth. ‒‒ Answer his “what are you up to?” questions with detail about all the positive changes in your life. (Use ‘Show’ Don’t ‘Tell’ Method). ‒‒ Show him that you acknowledge things you needed to change in your life. ‒‒ Be happy and excited about your life now. Make him feel like you are a different person since the break up (Use the unfamiliar to your advantage).

• • •

Allow him to feel jealous by casually mentioning guys you’ve hung out with. Give him no indication of whether you are currently seeing anyone. Use ‘first-date’ appropriate body language - do not treat him like your old boyfriend. Treat him like a guy you’re out on a first date with.

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STEP 4 Create Uncontrollable Desire In Him You Need To Start Flirting Again One of the greatest causes of failure in long-term relationships is that people stop flirting with each other. Despite attempts to be loving they forget to keep doing the things that attracted them to each other in the first place, so desire fades. One of the great keys to a long-term relationship is to never stop flirting with your partner. Seeing your ex again is no exception. Far from being a time to get serious, it’s a time to be fun and flirty. So what level of flirting is appropriate? Think of it like you are flirting from a distance. Make yourself somewhat unattainable, keep your cards close to your chest, and create ambiguity about your desires and your situation. But do all this whilst doing little things here and there that spark some fireworks between the two of you. You don’t want to simply sit there as friends after all. My general principle here is simple: No flirtation that wouldn’t be ok on a first date. You should not be afraid to engage with other men around you. This doesn’t mean going out of your way to talk to guys, but let him see you being friendly and sociable with the guy behind the counter at the café when ordering for example; it will let him know how confident you are with men and allow him to feel a little jealous. Do not start openly flirting with HIM until you see signs from him that he’s flirting with you. You are at an advantage here because you know what it looks like when he’s flirting – you know the signs to look for. Maybe he gives you a particular look and raises

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his eyebrow suggestively, or tries to touch your hand, or makes a suggestive comment about an intimate memory you share together. He may even be really obvious and tell you how attractive you look. You also have the advantage of knowing what type of flirting has worked with him in the past, so when you do get the chance to flirt you’ll have a great idea of where to start. As such, the following little flirtatious remarks are just suggestions of how to create tension with him, but temper them with your knowledge of him, (which is of course better than mine!): 1. In the beginning, accept compliments with humility, but don’t feel the need to return them straight away. Let him feel he has to work a little harder. Just smile and say “Thank you”. 2. Initially eye contact will be the most obvious way for the two of you to flirt. If he makes an effort to keep extended eye contact keep it, but be the first to break it. It’s ok to look a little coy, and as mentioned in the body language section, it gives him a chance to look at you and take you in when you aren’t looking him directly in the eyes. 3. As the time passes you may find him flirting more and being more suggestive. Here is your opportunity to put a bit of a barrier between you to let him know certain things are off-limits. When he says something flirtatious you may respond with: “Are you flirting with me young man that’s no way to talk to your ex.” “Ahem, behave yourself Mr!” “Excuse me it’s not very appropriate to say things like that to me.” These are not to be said with a serious look on your face. They are designed to be said with a mental wink. Almost as though you are

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tutting at him in a disapproving manner. The intention is not to make him feel bad, it’s to make him want to work harder. As things begin to open up a little, you can allude sparingly to fun or sexual times you’ve had together before. For example, it may be that a certain film, song, or name of a hotel immediately brings you both back to a memory of a certain night. When you reference something that takes your minds back there without having to explicitly talk about it you get the best of both worlds. It may even be something he’s wearing that brings up the memory: “The last time I saw that shirt it was on a hotel room floor…” .

At the peak of a moment of sexual tension you might say: “Well I’m glad we did this date in public or this would have been a nightmare”.

Use this opportunity to increase feelings of DESIRE, not love One of the finer arts of getting your ex back relies on you understanding the crucial distinction between LOVE and DESIRE. Many women’s instinct when they lose the man they love is naturally, to try and get him back with love. This is why they say things like: “Baby, we just work so perfectly together. We’re soulmates, why are you tearing us apart?” Ok, maybe you’re not that dramatic, but this is the kind of route many women choose to go down in the path to tugging at a guy’s heart strings and making him want to run back to the relationship.

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And the truth is, in that moment you will tug at him. It will probably make him feel guilty and like he’s just been punched in the stomach. He’ll feel bad for hurting you and may be tempted to come over and cuddle you until you feel better. He’ll want to feed you soothing platitudes about how you’ll be ok and he’ll leave feeling sick with himself for causing so much pain. But it won’t make him get back together with you. Why? Because guilt doesn’t make him want you. In some cases, I’ll admit, there are a few stray guys who will return to a relationship if they are pummeled with enough feelings of guilt. But this return never lasts long. If you get a guy back because of guilt here’s what happens. Things seem ok for a short period, it feels like you’ve gotten back together. He feels relieved that you’re no longer crying and begging for him to come back. But very quickly, he gets a despairing feeling in his stomach. He gets what we call a Buyers Remorse feeling, in which he feels enormous regret and self-hatred for not following through on his initial decision. Suddenly, all of his doubts and anxieties about the relationship that caused the relationship to end in the first place will return, and once that happens he’ll be contemplating leaving again. So even if you succeed in a tiny way with guilt, it’s a hollow victory that will only make you and him more miserable in the long-term (and probably just result in you both breaking up again). This is why you must follow every step in this program, and not simply try to get him to return by appealing to how much you need him and sending him long essays telling him how much you still love him. If you take that path, you are not allowing him to return by choice. And if you want him back for good, a guy always needs to feel like he made the decision to return without any undue pressure.

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So how do you do that? What’s the secret to making a guy choose to come back without pressuring him? The trick is to use DESIRE. See, when you guilt him you are appealing purely to his old feelings of love and his pain at having hurt someone he loves. But surprisingly, it’s not LOVE that is going to win him over right now. It is DESIRE that will truly trigger him to make that conscious decision to run back into your arms. With attraction, desire is the stronger of the two emotions in the beginning. It comes from the want of something. Feeling magnetically pulled towards someone. After the initial attraction phase, as we begin to know each other and develop deeper connections, come feelings of love. Love, unlike desire, is associated with security, predictability and comfort. Within this idea: love = safety desire = excitement The importance of this distinction is touched upon in the important work of the Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel. Perel talks very articulately on the subjects of love and desire, drawing important distinctions between the two. She says: “What nurtures love is not necessarily what fuels desire, and what turns us on sexually isn’t always what is emotionally safe.” How is this relevant when it comes to your ex? Well depending on how long your relationship with your ex was, love was likely to be something you arrived at during your relationship, or at least

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feelings of love. Desire over time is often suppressed. Now that the relationship is over, you have a fresh chance at igniting desire. After all, as Esther Perel so beautifully puts it, “how do you desire that which you already have?”. Except you don’t have each other anymore, in that sense you have a peculiar advantage over your former self who was in a relationship with this man. Desire is easier to ignite now that you can lay no formal claim to each other. See, although love might be something that makes it hard for him to peel himself away from the relationship, it is desire that is going to make him want to come running back. Your two best friends on this date will be uncertainty and unpredictability – both qualities that will lead to desire. Both qualities are capable of creating a mixture of both excitement and challenge.

Techniques For Creating Desire 1. Create spontaneous moments Suppose you stood up when having coffee and say “It’s a nice day let’s go for a walk”. Perhaps on that walk you happen to pass by an exhibition and say “Let’s go inside!”. Maybe you stroll through a market and sample some local and exotic foods. Compare this type of spontaneity with sitting there and doing the very serious, very tedious work of pulling apart the various threads of your relationship, deciding who is to blame and listing your grievances. Instead, the more off-the-cuff approach sends a clear message that you as a couple can have fun, and he’s left not quite knowing what to expect from you, which feeds his desire. Note, this isn’t saying that you can’t at a later date discuss serious issues as a couple, it is simply that now is not the time to have

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logical discussions about the relationship. Now is the time to remind him of how you both are capable of having a great time together, so that he leaves the date thinking: “Oh yea, we have so much fun now the dust is all settled between us. Maybe those things we got so worked up about were just temporary hurdles after all…” This doesn’t mean you’re going to change his entire mind about the relationship in one date. But this is where you sow the first seed. And that first seed has to come from something positive. I remember a time I was attracted to someone I’d known for a long time but never really felt anything for. One night we decided to visit the science museum in London. They were holding a special event during the nighttime called Science Museum Lates (a cool date idea by the way if the museum in your town is running it). They opened up all the normal cool exhibitions, but only to people over 21, and they served drinks. It was like an adult playground. In one of the rooms they did something really cool. They had a silent disco. As you walked into the room, they gave you a pair of wireless headphones, with five different music channels, from hip hop to house, to pop music, and you could tune in to the channel of your choice and dance along with the 200 other people in the room who were listening to their own favorite type of music. It was a strange scene. If you took your headphones off, it was completely quiet and everyone was dancing around you to different rhythms. As we danced in this room together, I felt like this was someone I could do anything with. After all, it was not the sort of thing you could do with anybody and not feel awkward. She became a representation of someone I could let loose with. Someone I could just have fun and break down barriers with. Very often in relationships we get stifled around our partner, especially if we’ve been a certain way with them for so long, we feel like we’d be embarrassed to suddenly show a different part of our

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personality in case they thought we were weird or laughed at us. Relationships are funny like that. You can have one partner who you never danced with because something about it felt awkward, so you always stifled the part of you that loved to dance unless you were on your own in the car or shower. Then you had another partner who made you feel so carefree that the two of you could dance together in the living room for hours with no one else present. We all secretly yearn for somebody who can bring out the dormant parts of ourselves that we desperately want to express. We want someone who gives us permission to be those things. Well imagine right now that in your relationship with this man before, both you and him suppressed parts of each other’s personalities. For that reason neither of you were quite sure you could be exactly who you wanted to be. This is your chance to be carefree, to show him the parts of you that you felt too insecure or awkward to bring out the first time around, and to give him permission to do the same. I guarantee you nothing could leave him feeling more excitement and you feeling more liberated. Send a clear message that you can be different as a couple together now. You can experience new things, broaden your horizons and your comfort zones together. It’s like saying to someone ‘nothing could be uncomfortable between us. We are here for the growth and experience of each other. Nothing is awkward or embarrassing between two people who are lovingly committed to each other’s growth as human beings’. And when you are with someone like this, you want to experience everything through the lens they provide. There’s a quote from the movie The Great Gatsby that sums this up beautifully . Daisy is dancing with Gatsby in his house and she says to him “I wish I’d done everything on Earth with you.” .

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2. Tell stories that involve new people in your life One of the sure signs that someone has begun to move on in their life is the appearance of new characters in their life. If since being with him you have a new group of friends that you hang out with, you have new acquaintances or just stories of people you’ve met along the way, it adds to your unpredictability and the intrigue he feels around you. Being around new people means you are growing, being exposed to new ideas, and people who satisfy you in different ways: emotionally, intellectually, or just serve to bring fun and laughter to your life. It’s also true that when a man hears of other men you hang around with he can’t help but assume that they are hanging around you because they are attracted to you, and thus they create a sense of competition. You might be thinking that if he senses you are spending time with other guys or new people that he’ll pull away or refrain from trying to get you back. But it’s the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. Remember our Moving Train mindset from earlier? As you’ll recall, the best thing you can do right now is make him feel that the train (i.e. you) are pulling away and won’t be around for long to stay and wait for him while he sits pondering on the platform. This effect isn’t limited to the people that are constants in your life. It also applies to isolated interactions you’ve had with people along the way. Here are some examples of both: a. Telling a funny story: For example, “I was getting a round of drinks for people the other night and in a truly embarrassing moment fell over a chair carrying them back to everyone. My whole group was laughing at me! One of the guys had to help me up!”

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The implication is that you were out with a group of friends. The self-deprecating nature of the story masks the undertone, which is that there was another guy present who helped you up and played the protector role in the scenario. Whether the guy is a friend, or attracted to you, is totally ambiguous. Ambiguous is good. b. Talking about something you’ve done recently: For example, “I went on a weekend trip with two of my coworkers to the Malibu winery. If you haven’t been you should go, we had the best time”. This simultaneously shows you are having new experiences and that you are having them with people he doesn’t know. Again, it is ambiguous in this case as to whether they are male or female. It should be said that if you have a new job or hobby, mentioning people from either will always be unknown territory for him and have a similar effect. Any reference to “my boss” “my colleagues” “the people in my class” will bring up feelings of uncertainty for him. Your life has changed, and he is hearing about it. Moreover, it’s the perfect line to say “You should go!” because it makes him feel like you are encouraging his independence which will only make him feel more desire for you. Because he feels “off the leash” and free to move where he wants, he’ll be more inclined to come to you (and feel like it’s his own choice to do so). c. Mentioning something someone said to you recently: For example, if you dyed your hair a lighter colour: “I went bowling the other night and someone came up to me to tell me I looked like Scarlett Johansson…that’s the first time anyone’s ever said that!”

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The idea of someone likening you to another attractive woman shows that someone was paying attention to you, sought you out and, to put it in male language ‘was hitting on you’. Letting him know about the complements other people have given you shows other people noticing how great you are. d. Mentioning something you’ve been getting attention for: If you show up to your date with him wearing a hat, and he says that he likes it, tell him: “aww thank you! I swear I’ve gotten about five comments on this hat today”. It’s like you’re telling him that he’s just one of a large group of people who thinks the same thing. And of course, as we’ve learned, he’s not imagining a bunch of fashion conscious men telling you how much they love your style, he’s imagining five people who used your hat as an excuse to hit on you! *Warning* It’s important to remember, don’t try too hard to overemphasise the ‘male’ element of the new people in your life. Less is more in this context, because even the slightest of suggestions will have his imagination doing all of the work for you, without you needing to overdo it and risk looking like you are proactively looking to make him jealous. It’s tempting to play the jealousy game, but remember: Some games are best won by never playing them to begin with. This is one of them. 3. Use SCARCITY and INDEPENDENCE To Drive Him Crazy At some point during the conversation a difficult issue may come up: Has he been with anyone else?

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It may not be a pretty subject, but let’s face it: it’s hard for both of you not to give any thought to whether the other has been on any dates or hookups since the breakup. The subject of whether you’ve been with anybody else (or are still seeing anybody else) is sometimes brought up indirectly and at other times explicitly. If it does have to get brought up explicitly, let it never be you who brings it up. No good can come of it at this stage. It only makes you look over eager to hear what’s happening with him on that front, it shows far too much intent on your behalf, and has the undesirable result of making you look jealous and possessive at the precise moment where you want to look carefree and fun. If he does ask you if you are seeing anybody else, your answer should be vague. Whether you are or not, you should be using ambiguity to your advantage here. You might say for example: “I’ve had offers but it’s not what I’m looking for right now” “There are guys who want to take me out but that’s not really what I’m focused on right now” And if you wanted to go a step further: “I’ve been on a couple of dates but I’m not trying to rush into anything”. There are two key ideas you communicate with these phrases which INCREASE his desire for you: 1. SCARCITY - The idea that people are pursuing you and it’s only a matter of time before someone great comes along.

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2. INDEPENDENCE - The idea that you are not looking for someone to ‘fill the gap’ right now, because there is no gap. You are focused on your own development right now more than anything else. Of course this also carries with it an implied challenge for him. It tells him that you might not even be looking for a relationship right now, and makes him wonder if there would even be room for him in your life if he wanted you back at this stage. What you’re subcommunicating is this: “Who knows, maybe I’m not interested in a relationship at all right now”! I’ll tell you why this works so well. And it requires some brutal honesty about guys on my part: Even though this guy may have broke up with you, until he has COMPLETELY moved on, he is sickened by the idea of YOU moving on first. The last thing he wants to hear is that you are even close to forgetting about him and god forbid moving onto other people. When we break up with someone we all have that selfish feeling that we still want to feel wanted. And this feeling is especially pronounced for guys, because he KNOWS that for women, going out and sleeping with someone else is way easier for a woman than it is for a man. And let me assure you, he’s terrified of you going out after this date and getting a cute guy’s phone number, or going home with some charming fellow who sidled up to you at the bar tonight and got talking to you. So that being said, if you allude that there is a good chance guys will be offering themselves to you (or already have flirted and hit on you) this is going to drive him crazy and will stop him sitting around and mulling over whether to take any action. So here, you are stoking his desire just by reminding him of your desirability (coupled with your newfound independence from

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him). This dramatically spikes your value in his eyes and makes him desperate to ACTIVELY pursue you again.

What if HE asks whether you’ve slept with anyone? (i.e. His Hidden Landmine Question) If he asks you whether you’ve slept with anybody, this is what we call his ‘Hidden Landmine Question’. He wants to see if you’re going to trip up and spill about how he’s the only guy for you, or he wants to see if you have moved on, or slept with other guys. At this point, one tactic is to just tell him directly that you don’t think it’s any of his business, and in a lighthearted but firm way assert that it’s not really an appropriate question to ask. Remember, you do not have to answer anything that you don’t feel comfortable asking at this stage. If you haven’t slept with anybody, telling him you haven’t only buys into his belief that he has a right to know when he doesn’t. If you have slept with someone, it could rock the boat at a delicate moment. You haven’t laid the groundwork yet for a new connection with him, so you don’t want your answer to interfere with the new bond you are forming with him at this time. Should he ask you any of this question, it does not become a license for you to ask the same. It will be that much more attractive if he’s the one who’s asking, but he sees you not even bothering to find out the same information. It will leave him wondering why you aren’t interested to know, once again contributing to your value, and the uncertainty he feels around you. Desire follows. 4. Let your phone brag for you If one of these new characters in your life should happen to call you while you are with him, excuse yourself from the table to take it.

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It doesn’t mean you have to be rude and spend the next ten minutes talking with them, but you can tell them you are going to call them back away from him. It doesn’t matter whether it was a man or a woman that called you. This simple act gets his imagination working, and shows him that he’s a little more of a stranger than he used to be – not close enough to you to listen in on your conversations. 5. No Emotional Time-Traveling It’s possible that the past between the two of you will come up. Perhaps the two of you will stumble over a story from your relationship, an old joke will repeat itself…the past is something that is present in the room with you, but needn’t be given to much airtime right now. You both know the past, you were there. It’s done, and it’s unlikely to be productive to spend too much time (if any) talking about it right now. You’ll do far better to talk about what’s happening in your life now and in the near future. If anything should come up from the past, find a way to be playful about it and laugh at the elephant in the room. Solemn emotions are off limits here. You can, of course, use your knowledge of him from the past to your advantage. You know him. This not only means that you know what types of things he’s attracted to, and therefore which buttons to push, it also allows for cute moments where you are able to make fun of qualities you know he has. If, for example, you know that when you would go out to eat he would often eat too much, and you’d end up rubbing his belly trying to soothe him, you could make a joke that references this time when you see him eating a lot in front of you: “Be careful how much you eat, I’m not rubbing your belly later!” It allows for a little moment of sweetness between you because it reminds you that you have a past together in a positive way.

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Just don’t overdo it. If you always used to make him breakfast, don’t say “how do you get by these days making your own breakfast each morning?” It makes it look like you are trying to overtly question how he would be living without you. Remember the Goldilocks Principle here. Feel free to talk about shows you’ve been watching while you’ve been apart that you think he might like as well. Talk about movies you’ve seen. An ex of mine asked me if I’d seen the Wolf of Wall Street because she felt I would really enjoy it, which was a sweet moment. Just don’t fall into the trap of assuming they are exactly the same person. Don’t attempt to order him something he used to eat, for example. It stunts the process of trying to get to know each other afresh. Remember, this is like you getting to know each other on a first date again. There’s a line that’s easy to cross when you’ve been a couple. Since this is to be treated as a first date, show the best side of you, not the over-familiar side. Don’t dump him with about the bad mood you were in yesterday, or the big arguments you’re having with your mum. He may understand it better than anyone since he knows you and your mum, so the temptation to tell him will be high. But this is the time to shine. It may be more natural for you to say “I have to pee”, but instead say “excuse me I need the restroom”. The little bit of distance breeds unfamiliarity and this makes him want to start working for you again to create the intimacy. This goes back to the difference between love and desire. When things seem unfamiliar to him it creates desire, the desire leads to intimacy which creates feelings of familiarity and what follows are feelings of love. You may be tempted to go back to the feelings of comfort and love that you had when the two of you were (and

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indeed may still be) close, but this is not what the situation calls for right now. You want him to feel this is exciting and new again. The fact that you are not just settling back into a comfortable place with him is also a little scary and strange for him. It’s the sort of behaviour that makes him want to get you back in your pyjamas and take your makeup off again to make you less intimidating. It throws him off balance and breaks the pattern, which is what attraction is all about. Remember, attraction is about keeping him slightly off balance. 6. Let Him Impress You Again Just because you are creating a sense of challenge for him, doesn’t mean you can’t show admiration for the things he is doing in his own life. If he tells you about something he has achieved, or a challenge he has overcome, you should genuinely compliment him on it: “that’s really amazing, well done”. And don’t be afraid to ask him more about it. You’ve got to flatter his ego to a certain extent: it is a ‘date’ after all, even if he’s not looking at it that way. Take an interest specifically in the things that you didn’t perhaps show enough of an interest in before. E.g. his job, the hobby he loves, an interest he has. Show an interest and ask follow-up questions about what he’s doing in that area. It’s important to show that you are supportive of his growth. If he’s passionate about something right now, indulge him and show that you are excited for him. Only good can come from being excited about his endeavors and the things he is trying to achieve. If you shit over his new plans, he’ll just see you as trying to hold him down and as someone he wants to prove wrong. That’s a bad place to be. You need to look like an incredibly supportive teammate right now. So never be afraid to let him have free reign to speak about his interests.

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A quick word on etiquette There is one respect in which this is not like a first date. The premise here, as we have talked about, is not that you are openly on a date with him. It’s a chance for you to catch up and connect. As such, you wouldn’t necessarily allow him to perform the same role as someone you were having a first date with. On a first date, you may ordinarily allow the guy to pick where you go to meet, perhaps even order for you, and pick up the check. When you see your ex however, it’s important to demonstrate a degree of independence and separation. In fact it’s a subtle way of breaking rapport and showing that he doesn’t get to flatter you with the same chivalrous treatment that he had the right to treat you with before. If he tries to order a drink he knows you love, feel free to say “Actually I’ll take a [insert drink of choice] instead” if you want something different. Split the check with him. At the end of the date do not have him walk you to your car. Or if you came by transport go and find a taxi yourself, or walk to the bus stop yourself (as long as that it is at an hour and a neighborhood where it is safe to do so). This may sound small, but playing the protector role on this level is something that represents a kind of connection and intimacy that he doesn’t have right now. Don’t let him jump back into the role of the protector again so quickly. Small rejections in this way are a good thing. They serve as a reminder that he doesn’t have you anymore. It takes away one of his tools for impressing you, and shows you haven’t just slipped back into the cozy position of being taken care of by him. Though this would likely create the wrong impression on a first date with a new man that you want to be open to, with

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your ex it creates a little distance, which makes him want to earn back the closeness he had before. It’s hard to explain, but there’s something subtle yet profound as a man when a woman we once took care of doesn’t allow us to play that role in quite the same way. It’s a tough thing for a man to deal with, and will make him yearn to play the protector role for her once again. It thereby becomes a way of him feeling accepted by you as a man, and motivates him to earn this acceptance again. It makes you new and unfamiliar. This is all part of the balance we’ve talked about in having both familiar aspects of yourself – things he recognizes as the best parts of you from before – and unpredictable parts of yourself that create uncertainty – the combination of new things he has to discover about you, along with having lost certain privileges he felt entitled to but now doesn’t feel so sure of. You need to be the mixture of familiar and unfamiliar. You’re not entirely new, but certainly enough to keep him off balance and make him work for you.

Summary of Step 4 • Politely rebuff his flirting - make him feel like it’s off-limits to be suggestive with you now. • Create ambiguity about your desires. • Don’t use guilt to get him back. • Increase feelings of DESIRE, not LOVE. • Techniques for creating desire: 1. Create spontaneous moments, 2. Tell stories about new people, 3. Use Scarcity and Independence, 4. Let your phone brag for you, 5. No Emotional Time Travelling, 6. Let him impress you again. • Demonstrate your separation and independence from his world.

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STEP 5 Let Him Win You Again (And Stay Forever) After this date your ex is very likely going to start making regular contact with you again. But where now? You met up, you had some laughs, exchanged funny stories, flirted a little, and then….home? There is a chance that this date will go a little too well, especially if you have truly followed all the principles above. If this is the case, it’s likely you’ll be tempted to get more and more affectionate as it goes on. Be careful now! The whole point of this date is to (a) create desire, (b) have him begin the process of rediscovering you, and (c) leave him wanting to take the next steps towards rekindling your relationship. This shouldn’t come too easily to him. After all, he still must prove that he wants this, not simply with his words or his behaviour on one occasion but his actions and investment over more time (the coming days, weeks and months). You won’t be able to get real perspective on what his investment level is if you are blinded by his flirtation and affection when you initially see him. It may be flattering, but do not jump right back into old patterns of affection. For one thing, he is a man, and it’s likely that he’ll feel attraction for you when he sees you for two reasons: 1. He’s been attracted before

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– that’s presumably why he dated you in the first place – so he can get attracted again, and 2. If he’s attracted there’s a good chance he’ll be short sighted enough to want to sleep with you regardless of the consequences that he hasn’t quite thought through yet. You may think that you have won a victory if by the end of the date you are walking along holding hands and kissing each other lovingly, but that’s only a short-term win. And if you want to get him back for good, that’s not enough. All of this can come later, when his affections are actually backed up by intentions, not just his male organs. By yielding so quickly you will have only shown him not just how badly you want it, but how easy it is for him to get it without him actually having to earn it. And then your Perceived Value will go down in his eyes. Instead, keep your distance (for now). Even if you are walking together, keep the same amount of distance as a first date that you hadn’t become physical with yet. Don’t be touchy- feely with him. Allow him to feel the resentment of having had sex with you many times before, but not even being able to hold your hand. His territorial side will kick in. If he tries to put his arm around you tell him even if with a wink that he can’t do that. The same goes for hand-holding or if he tries to kiss you. You can say “No!” in a smiley playful way, like you are batting him away. Avoid doing this in an overly serious way by saying something like “No don’t that’s not fair, we’re not together anymore”. It will very quickly turn the situation serious and possibly sour, and shows you as the damaged and victimized one by letting know that he’s doing something TO you. I’d rather have you give the impression that you are the one in control, not him. This too should not be used as a chance to verbally rub it in that he shouldn’t have broken up with you. It should be more of a “nuh uh! Tut tut.”

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It’s important that you don’t just start dropping your guard at the end of the date because you feel like the two of you are comfortable with each other again. You need to leave him wondering what you’re feeling or if you have any intention of making something happen. It’s not just about peaking his interest, it’s about holding his interest. You’re probably wondering if my principles of affection still apply at the end of the date when you are parting ways. Well to begin with perhaps just for absolute clarity, I should say that you should be parting ways. Believe me, I know how one wrong turn in situation like this can leave you in his car on the way to his or your place, and it’s a bad move. Nothing could kill the mystery and the potential that is building up in his mind quicker. If you hold your nerve and exit with grace, he’s going to leave this date thinking about you, getting invested in the idea of you again when you’re not even there. Put simply, you have to INVITE HIM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE WITH CAUTION SO THAT HE WANTS TO WIN YOU OVER AGAIN. When you say goodbye, give him a slightly longer hug than you did on arrival, and a kiss on the cheek, and walk away. That’s it. Of course your hug should once again convey warmth, and openness. Just because you are limiting your affection it shouldn’t mean that the affection you do give is cold or awkward. It should simply give

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him one last moment to take you in before he goes home and thinks about all the other ways he wishes he could have gotten close you. This is the Tightrope Walk, between being kind and warm without being too affectionate or sexual that will have his body screaming to be with you again even though he can’t because you’re not together right now. If you really love your ex and want to be with him, it’s going to be very hard for you to restrain yourself from grabbing him tight and wanting to kiss and cuddle immediately, but stop. Right now, the cardinal rule is that you Follow Your Plan, Not Your Emotions. If things are going to progress, they will progress in time. You have already piqued your ex’s interest again so as long as you don’t disappear off his radar entirely, there’s no harm in allowing things to build gradually, as you show him slightly more affection each time you see him or text him, rather than bombard him with an overload of feelings all at once, which makes you lose your cool. Your approach for reeling him back can be summed up by an analogy I’ve used previously and worth repeating here because of its powerful message. I call it the Butterfly Metaphor: “When a butterfly lands in your hand, some people make the mistake of pretending that they don’t care. That they don’t see the beauty that’s there. They play hard-to-get and fake indifference. So, they open their hand and the butterfly flies away because it sees that there’s no reason to be there. Another type of person, when the butterfly lands, is so terrified of that beautiful thing leaving their lives that they cover it up and the butterfly either gets squashed or it tries to find an escape route and leaves. The third type of person, the one who really understands a partnership, is the one who puts their hand up to shield the butterfly from the wind. The butterfly then sees the value of staying, and that’s what it is to attract a wonderful relationship.”

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The Butterfly Metaphor sums up the high value method I’ve outlined for gradually reeling your ex back in this final step. You don’t play hard-to-get by being distant and aloof, or else you’ll just push him away. But you also don’t try to grab onto him to quickly and scare him off. You just show him that you are someone who is exciting, internally fulfilled, and who benefits his life for being in it. When he sees this he’s going to keep running back to you, because he sees the benefit of staying. You are not dragging him back, you are enticing him back so that he wants to be a couple again!

What To Say As You Part At the end of your time together don’t be desperate to create the next meetup, much as you may want it to happen again as quickly as possible. You initiated the meeting the first time around, now trust that you have shown him the best possible side of you and let him take the bait. Think of it more like a “see you around” than an “are you free tomorrow?” There is a technique I can reveal to you for the way you phrase your goodbye: Create a time-context that is immediate. For example, say “It was so much fun to see you, good luck with that project today, I hope it doesn’t kill you!” if he’s been referring to a piece of work he has to be completed by the end of the day but is dreading. Or you could say “It was fun seeing you, don’t destroy your muscles this evening” if he told you he is working out with a trainer in the next few hours.

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This is what I mean by creating an immediate time context; you are referring to something that is happening for him today, which is something you typically do with someone you see regularly. The opposite of this would be to say “Good luck over the next few months”, where it is something you do with something you are unlikely to encounter for some time. The beauty of making it current is that you are keeping it ambiguous by not suggesting another meeting, but you are leaving the meeting in the present, which makes a follow up much easier. .

A Few Words On Follow-Up After The First Date Wait for him to make contact with you after you’ve seen him. It’s important that he sees it as his decision to continue the interaction. It will also help you to determine whether he is proactively engaging with you or just responding to your attempts at communication. You being overzealous at this stage only has the potential to remind him of a negative side to the relationship. Be aware of texts that are sent from him too late at night. If it comes after 11pm, wait until the following day to text him back. It will do you no harm, and will show that there are hours that are more appropriate for him to text you. Once again, it shows a standard.

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Do not devolve into explicitly sexual texts with him at this stage. It’s the long distance equivalent of sleeping with him without him having earned it. Innuendo and suggestion are fine, but keep them sparing (e.g. if he tries to heat things up by asking you if you’re still wearing the underwear he bought for your birthday, you can say “wouldn’t you like to know! ;)”) The same rule can be applied to anything that is too emotional or revealing. Texts are not the place for this. They are too open to interpretation and you certainly don’t want to be going to that place too quickly. The mood should still be fun, positive and flirtatious. .

If he wants to text you without a purpose just because he’s thinking of you, that’s great, but don’t be the one to initiate this. This is not about game playing, it’s about being certain: How will you ever know if there’s a serious level of investment on his side unless you wait to see if he’s willing to proactively pursue you? You’ve shown enough tentative interest by meeting him in the first place. Now it’s his turn. He’ll want to text you and meet up again, he’ll want to pursue you. But only allow this to play out like you were dating for the first time again. Don’t sleep with him right away, at least not without a few dates first. If you allow things to escalate gradually in the bedroom,

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you’ll be able to test whether he really wants you or whether he just wants to come over for a quick night of fun. And this has nothing to do with playing games over sex, since you guys are WAY past that. It’s about showing that you have a standard, and that he can’t just charm his way through that standard, or play on your desire for him to get you back into bed. It’s something that comes with a meaningful relationship with you should he choose to embark on it again. And of course, if by chance he doesn’t pursue a relationship with you over the coming weeks, you are going to be extremely glad you didn’t sleep with him. There’s nothing that brings you down harder than being the casual fling of someone you are in love with and have been in a relationship with before. Sleeping with him again is something you should do ONLY once you have clear indicators that it is actually going somewhere. Now, sooner or later chances are there will be a talk about getting back together. You don’t ever have to have an ‘official talk’ but when you start talking about the relationship, state the things you need from him before you move on. DON’T go on a rant about all the things he used to do wrong, e.g. “Tom, it annoys me the way you always shut me out of your social life and never made an effort with my friends”. Instead talk about it in terms of your requirements and standards for the relationship going forward, e.g. “Tom, I need someone who wants to be involved in my life and cares about the things that matter to me and doesn’t take me for granted”. This way you are giving him clear rules for him to follow before he’s worthy of having you back completely. Now, the beautiful part of this is that you are totally changing the frame. Instead of you needing him, it’s going to be him who

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WANTS YOU, but you’re going to be setting the terms for getting back together. Once you have him starting to do the work in chasing you again, remember to keep that high value mindset you learnt in Step 2 when you built up your life. Keep your passions, your wide social circle, your career, and those other important parts of your life that you now draw strength from. Remember, just because he’s started to get on board again, doesn’t mean the train is going to stand still! If you stagnate and drop all your good habits once he’s back you’re going to feel just as vulnerable and terrified of losing him as before. Instead, keep proving to yourself that you have a life that is happy and thriving WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. And what if your Ex still isn’t trying to even chase you after all this? .

What is more likely though is that after your date your ex will start to contact you very gradually and ‘test the water’ now and then

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through texting and possibly light flirting . If that’s the case you just need to communicate three traits we’ve talked a lot about in this program . You want to show: A. Desirability - i.e. make it clear you are ‘in-demand’, dating, and doing lots of other things. B. Challenge - Show that he can’t just snap his fingers and have you immediately texting back/running to his place. He has to earn you back in his life (especially if he broke things off before). C. Excitement - Show him that you are fun and casual and that he’ll only ever enjoy your company. And if your ex just isn’t biting after your date, just move on. You may drop him one text next week (but never text him unprompted more than once a week) to see if he replies, but after that, radio silence. .

You’re most important mission in all of this is to stay the course and remain positive and committed to moving forward. The more your ex sees this in you, the more he’s going to be intrigued and want to chase the moving train that is your life as you bring all these changes and growth into your world.

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You have the tools to win him back now. But much more than that, you have the tools for fulfilling yourself on a level that no-one else can. There’s a phrase from my friend Jon Turteltaub’s movie ‘Cool Runnings’ in which the coach of an Olympic Bobsled team says to one of his hopeful pupils: “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough with one, you’ll never be enough without one”. I always feel the same about relationships: Special and wonderful as it can be to fall in love and have a partner, if you’re not enough without a relationship you’ll never be enough with one. Right now you are enough, and the more you embody this feeling in your life the easier it will be for your ex or any guy to fall deeply in love and want to share their world with you.

Summary of Step 5 • • • •

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After the date - don’t be too affectionate too quickly (Set boundaries for affection). Create a time-context when you say goodbye i.e. “Good luck on your project this week, let me know how it goes!”. Invite him back into your life with caution. Show him evidence that you have three traits: 1. Desirability (by the fact other people want to spend time with/date you), 2. Challenge (by the fact you have a lot going on and are on-the-fence about whether you want a relationship), 3. Excitement (by the fact that you are fun with him and are living a fulfilling life without him). When he mentions the idea of being together, tell him what you need from the relationship in order to consider getting back together again.

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Final Step: Slowly allow him back into your life, but only allow intimacy (physical and emotional) to escalate gradually. Don’t rush back to exactly where you were before. Congrats! You’ve won your guy back. The ball is in your court now play nice! ;)

*IMPORTANT* - Contingency Plan (If He Doesn’t Come .

Eventually, things will get more intimate between you and your ex and you’ll probably start being physical with each other. Just take it slow at this point, and once you’re physically intimate again your ex will start acting like you’re together again. At this point say to him something to the effect of: “if we’re going to do this again I need to know that you’re in this and that you can be the man I need. I love spending time together but I’ve got plenty of guys who don’t want to mess me around, so you’ve got to tell me what you want.” This will make him want to ‘win’ you again, because you’ll be using those elements of DESIRABILITY and CHALLENGE to make him step up to the plate and fight for you again.

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And Finally…How To Re-Ignite The Honeymoon Phase Now that you have your ex begging to be back with you, you may think it’s all over. Game, set and match, right? Not exactly. If you fall into this trap of thinking, get complacent and lazy you’ll end up losing him all over again. Once you have him excited about the relationship again, this is the precise time to be more affectionate, more fun, and invest in yourself more than ever before. Remember all that stuff we said about building up your life again? Now you have to maintain it! So Rule No. 1 is to continue to invest in all of those things that made him attracted to you again. That means your social life, your passions and hobbies, your career and your own independence. All these things are going to make him see you as someone who is happy and fulfilled, and will make him want to stay a part of your exciting world. One of the joys of relationships is the constant feeling of discovery, the idea that the person you love has unknown dimensions that you have yet to see. The sad part is that most people think this period must be short-lived in those heady first six months of a relationship when you feel smitten and intoxicated with this new partner you have in your life. But the best relationships I’ve seen in all my years of coaching have two partners who are committed to CONSTANT GROWTH and CONSTANT DISCOVERY. Because they are both growing and changing all the time, they always have something new to learn about each other. Moreover, because they are constantly curious, they always want to learn and invest more in understanding each other’s unique dimensions. Many of the best couples grow and discover together. If you do this with your partner, whether it be

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through learning, travelling, playing and seeking new experiences together, your fascination with each other will never end. Rule No. 2 is to keep creating DESIRE as well as love. You can do this by being more sexually exciting and physically suggestive. Wear the matching underwear. Tell him how much you can’t wait to get him home. Or how sexy his shirt is tonight. Touch his leg under the table during dinner. This all sounds small and silly, but you should be acting like a brand new couple again. You should feel physically excited by each other and enjoy seducing one another. Show that you care about each other’s pleasure and never be complacent with the physical or adventurous side of the relationship. The more you prioritise pleasure (both physical and emotional) together, the more you’ll trigger the Dopamine Response in his brain that will make him feel more happiness for being in the relationship and being closer to you. Also make sure to show desire to learn about each other again. Get excited by each other’s world and invest in getting to know a part of him that you previously never embraced or took for granted. Rule No. 3 is to SHIFT GEARS GENTLY. In other words, DON’T RUSH back to the level of comfort you were at before. Just allow things to move forward gradually and don’t force him into any grand proclamations of everlasting love. This will come in time (and if it doesn’t, that’s a whole separate problem about his commitment issues and something that may indicate you’re both operating on different life plans and not suitable to be together long-term). But for the first month or two, just relax and let things move at their own pace. You need to allow time and space to see yourselves as a couple again and let the relationship go down a different path this time around, instead of going straight back to the same dynamic as before. If it feels a little different now, that

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can be a healthy sign that you’ve both grown and changed from the people you were before, and shows potential for you having a better relationship than before. Rule No. 4 is to KEEP DEFINING STANDARDS. You might be tempted because you feel so grateful for having him back to suddenly acquiesce to anything he wants or feel that you have to tolerate any bad behaviour he chooses to exhibit. This is the DUMBEST thing you can do. The more timid and afraid you are of breaking up again, the more he’s going to sense that and either lose attraction or he’ll just think that he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for what went wrong in your relationship the first time. The bottom line is: it might be difficult to have those conversations in which you tell him what you need from the relationship, but it’s much worse to live in a dynamic that makes you unhappy or dissatisfied. Speak up for what you need and what behaviours he needs to change for you to be happy in the future of the relationship. Remember, YOU call the shots in this. The relationship has to work for both of you. And if it starts to feel like a game of each of you trying to get more of their needs met by the other with nothing in return, this isn’t the relationship for you. He should want to be the man who can listen to your needs for affection, love, and commitment and meet them by investing in the relationship. If he doesn’t want to, you have the tools to now be satisfied with or without him, and you can move on with complete confidence in your ability to attract someone else into your life who can meet your needs. The final rule is to CREATE A COMPELLING VISION for the future of the relationship. While it’s important to assess what went wrong previously and work on changing those habits, the best couples are able to be excited about a future that they build together

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and which they both can’t wait to move towards. Talk about fun trips you’re going to take and aspirations for what you both want to achieve together as a team. The more exciting this future feels the more you’re going to both want to build it for each other. So while it’s important to salvage the relationship and work on problems that need fixing, make sure you also have a vision for it moving forward.

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I’ve never been shy of getting my hands dirty and dealing with people’s worst problems while coaching, and I knew that taking on the challenge of break ups was essential if I was going to do justice to my ambition to always be willing to confront the worst hardships people go through in their quest for love. During a break-up we all need someone to remind us we can survive that painful period and come out as a better person for not only having endured, but thrived in this difficult time. I know I would have never survived some of my worst relationship breakdowns without people around me who could inspire, encourage and provide a helping hand to pull me back on my feet and set me running again. I also hope you realise now that even the worst parts of our love lives can be one of the greatest teachers and can inspire some of our most heroic acts of strength and change.

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I truly appreciate you allowing me to be your mentor and guide through the raw and vulnerable business of healing after enduring the post break-up wound. If you ever need anything, or want to join me in person on my life-changing retreat program, I’d love to meet you in person and be a part of your journey (www.howtogettheguy. com/retreat). It’s one thing to change people’s lives from a distance, but there’s nothing I love more than meeting the people I coach and reach new heights together. Wherever you choose to continue, I wish you well in all your endeavours and encourage you to keep living and loving big! Wherever you might have chosen to hide during this break-up, I’m here to tell you: the world is waiting for your return… Welcome back :)

FAQ - Your Questions And Unresolved Fears Q.1 Why is the ‘No Contact Rule’ 21 days? Does it have to be so specific? People obsess about this rule more than any other, and it causes a lot of needless confusion and fretting over the exact number of days. The truth is, there is no exact science when dealing with ‘No Contact’ (we are dealing with love, after all!). Some people need 21 days to separate fully from their partner, some need a month, whilst other need 60 days! The truth is, No Contact is as much about you as it is about your ex. It’s based roughly on the length of time you need to start getting used to life independently from a relationship and to experience a state where you are ready to make contact with your ex again. For many people, 21 days will feel excruciatingly long, like a prison sentence. They’ll feel ready to talk to their ex with a clear head after a week or so. Others will go for a month and still feel sick with loneliness and despair, and any contact with their ex will only set back their progress. They may need longer than 30 days to be ready to move forward with their life and have become ready to attract their ex again.

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The reason I use 21 days is because without a definite figure in mind, your temptation will be to contact your ex WAY too soon simply because you miss his voice, and this leads many people to push hard early on and use their ex as a crutch, instead of truly moving on first and being able to attract him once again. So perhaps for you a month, or even more time is appropriate. But give it 21 days at the very least (I recommend AT LEAST 21-30 days as the ballpark figure for most people). .

Q 2. If he doesn’t reach out at all during the No Contact period does that mean he doesn’t care about me? No, not in the slightest. Guys can vary greatly in the way they deal with the aftermath of a relationship. A guy may not have reached out simply because he is too proud or is scared of how he’s going to feel about getting back in touch with you. He may even be unsure of whether you’ll respond positively or negatively and be put off by the uncertainty. .

There are some guys who will text you very quickly during the No Contact period, and I encourage you to get back to him if he does reach out . It doesn’t mean you should get lost in LONG,

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ENDLESS texting all day with him, as this may reduce his intrigue and attraction to you once he catches up on every tiny thing you’ve been up to since the breakup. By no means should you think that during the ‘No Contact’ period you are required to ignore his texts or phone calls. Remember, No Contact is only about whether you reach out to him, not the other way around! If you ignore him completely in this time you can damage the potential for any future relationship, so I urge you to stay away from these kinds of games. Q 3. I’m not sure I should be the one who reaches out first. Shouldn’t I just wait and see if my ex gets back in touch with me? Won’t I seem stalkerish if I send him messages out of the blue after we’ve broken up? No, you won’t seem like a stalker at all. Remember, you are only getting in touch with your ex after you have gone nearly a month without initiating contact from your end. If you follow the No Contact rule correctly, after that time has elapsed there’s no problem pinging your ex a small message to remind him of your presence. Just remember, you are never really doing the chasing here. You are just giving him an opportunity to get back in touch. The big mistake many women make it trying to rush things and move too quickly to get back their ex, so they bombard them with messages and then wonder why they run away. All you are doing is ‘testing the waters’ and seeing what comes back. That’s why I advocate easing in with a light, short text which is nonneedy but also fun e.g. “I just saw a trailer for Dumb and Dumber 2! I can’t wait!”

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These are only very small steps, and the fact that the contact is light and low-pressure is exactly what will make your ex feel safe about responding to your text. Just make sure if your ex doesn’t text back, you wait a week or so before sending anything else. Do not send a message the next day if he doesn’t get back. Always let him have space and he’ll then feel safe about getting in touch. Q 4. But won’t it just look like I can’t let go? I don’t want to be needy! You are overthinking this. lts a common fear that women are taught, to constantly worry about being seen as desperate and needy, but the truth is neediness is only in the attitude you approach this with. There’s nothing needy about getting in touch to send a fun message to someone you care about who was a big part of your life. The only thing that is needy is if you immediately pressure him to get back together, or if you show you are going to act like a doormat and do just about anything for him to be in your life again. Apart from that, you sending a message about a spontaneous joke or thought you had is not going to be perceived as needy. In fact, after the No Contact period has finished he’ll actually be happy to hear from you. Secretly he’ll want to know EVERYTHING you’ve been up to since the breakup (and you’re not going to reveal all of that right away). You have some mystery on your side now that you’ve been separate for a while, and mystery is your friend right now. Q 5. What if he’s already seeing other people? Am I the idiot who’s just hanging on?

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With regards to the first question, it’s hard to judge people on what they do or who they see immediately after relationships end. If you break up, you’re technically not together right now and seeing other people (even if for a night or two!) is not a crime. I’ve known couples who have gotten back together after both having dated other people, so it’s not always a one-way thing either. I even suggest that it’s healthy for you to go on dates when you’re apart from your ex if only to use this opportunity to show yourself there are other people out there, so that you can make a truly informed decision about whether or not to go back. So you’re never really just “hanging on” waiting for him to decide to take you back. You are moving forward while this is all happening, and it’s precisely this that will make your ex WANT to chase you to get you back before you do. We also have to be careful about being so judgmental about what people do when they are going through loss and turmoil after breakups. So don’t panic if he goes on a date with someone else. It doesn’t mean all is lost, but neither does it mean you’re going to sit around being single forever. Many people engage in small rebound relationships or flings that can last barely a week. You must not panic whatever his decision is. If you come together after both having seen other people and you’re not sure if you can deal with him having slept with someone else, this is an issue of figuring out your own personal deal-breakers. For example, him having a fling may not be a big deal for you, but him sleeping with a close friend of yours may show a complete lack of care on his part and ought to make you realise that this guy is not worried about hurting you and that you should let him go now.

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Q 6. If he broke things off between us doesn’t that mean it was for a reason? Surely I should want a guy who is certain about me and wants to be all in? Of course all relationships end for SOME reason, and I agree that often that can be a very good one (i.e. you were incompatible, you had different life plans/goals, he refused to watch scary movies on Halloween). But some relationships end because one of the parties still has growing to do, and time off of the relationship can be the best way to understand how to work better as a couple. It would be crazy to think that EVERY relationship that ends must always be the 100% right thing for everyone - that would be too easy. Sometimes you both won’t be sure the relationship is right until you’re apart for a while, possibly even for six months or longer. Relationships are complex things, and I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on everyone needing to be 100% certain at all times. In reality, sometimes you’ll feel 100% certain, other times you’ll have that bit of doubt which could be an incitement to change either (a) your relationship, or (b) your dynamic in the relationship. Now as I said, I definitely do NOT want women buying this program to take a year long strategy to winning back their ex . That’s why a big part of the strategy I advocate is MOVING ON with your life and building a meaningful existence without your ex first . At the very least this will show you whether or not you truly

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can live without this guy (and in many cases, women find that after this they can live without their ex, and move on). But I don’t believe in shutting off any meaningful relationship just because it broke off - sometimes two people can realise their mistake later, but we all get too proud to go back because we think GOING BACK must mean we’re GOING BACKWARDS in our life. That’s not always the case. But here’s the thing. You are right. A guy should be certain about you. Which is why before you get back together you need to discuss clearly what went wrong and what you both need going forward. You also need to make sure you both truly want to be back together and to work on things in the future. You’re allowed to both have made mistakes the first time around, but you need to be certain that these are things you want to work on to have a stronger, better relationship the second time over. Q 7. What if he gets back with me now but the old stuff hasn’t changed and he just ends up hurting me all over again? .

Remember, a guy needs to acknowledge HIS mistakes when you get back with him (assuming he is also responsible for problems in your previous relationship). If he’s unwilling to acknowledge the mistakes, this is a big red flag and you shouldn’t be back with him (never be with someone who can’t admit their flaws and mistakes).

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If you can both do that and resolve to grow together then you have a shot at creating something new and beautiful by starting again. Q 8. What if he doesn’t get back in touch at all or respond to any of your bait? What if the worst-case scenario occurs? He doesn’t even try to get in touch during No Contact . Your Goodbye Letter elicits zero response from him . When you send him a casual text, your phone never buzzes to say he’s texted back . What then?? Then we resort to a Last Ditch Attempt . Ok, first things first. If you followed the first two steps exactly as they are laid out above, your ex SHOULD at the very least have

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If you imply it’s a date, it’s game over . Your ex will hear about it and he’ll either be pissed at his friend for meeting with you which will provoke all kinds of arguments and havoc, OR he’ll think you’re making some desperate ploy to get him angry, or worst, he’ll simply ditch both of you (and then his friend will be pissed at you for making him lose a buddy). If you hang out with his friends, you are doing it only as friends. Once your ex sees that his friends are hanging with you, he’ll get curious and go crazy wondering about you, and he’ll get back in touch. Even if he just hears you went for pizza and a movie with some of his buddies, you’ll pique his interest and he’ll be want to send a message. (Remember: You have to follow this PLUS the steps above on growing and rebuilding your life. If you haven’t changed and shown signs of moving on, it won’t matter what else you do.) But this is the Last Ditch Attempt for a reason. It’s risky, it’s unnecessary, and it can leave you trapped in your ex’s social web with all the potential awkwardness and problems that it

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Remember, your first bet should be to follow all the steps above, but if you absolutely HAVE no other way of getting his attention, this is going to do it. Q 9. What if he STILL makes no contact after that? .

If you followed all the steps completely (and read the accompanying e-book on Re-Building Your Life, you will move on whether or not your ex decides to get back with you. This program is about making you fulfilled and helping you get what you need out of your relationships. If your ex has no interest in ever speaking to you again, he is NOT the man for you. You deserve someone who wants to pursue you and love you for who you are, and clearly this guy is not that person.

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Q 10. Is getting back with your ex a healthy thing in general? .

But is it the right thing? Like, the long-term right thing for your life, as opposed to the it-must-be-right-because-it-soothes-my-immediatepain type of thinking? . . But how do you know whether those people have your best interests at heart (which they may), or whether they are simply telling you the same-old platitude: there’s plenty more fish in the sea? .

The first (and dare I say clichéd) logic is that there was a reason it ended in the first place . A reason that is easy to ignore or shrug off now that the bad memories of the relationship have been shrugged off and enveloped in a haze of vague wistful recollections.

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Right now the relationship in your head probably appears like a breezy family photo album. Full of smiles and holidays and cherished snapshots, but without those cracks in between within which reside all the problems, the bitterness, the bad feelings and petty annoyances. .

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The cognitive dissonance that comes from both time elapsing and our desire to be in love and find our ideals can lead us to glorify the best moments even if few and far between, and neutralize the most painful moments. .

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Scenario 1: It ended because of an isolated incident Here I’m referring to a one-off event that led to the end of the relationship. Let’s say for a moment that the incident was his doing, not yours, and that it was you who proceeded to end the relationship. An obvious example would be that he cheated. In this scenario you’re challenge is two-fold. And both need to be confronted before getting back together is on the cards: Challenge No. 1 = Can it be forgiven? .

At the most basic level though you have to make a decision: Is this something I am willing to put behind us and move on from without bitterness or anger, and without it fundamentally upsetting my wellbeing and my feeling of security in the relationship? Challenge No. 2 = Are you only forgiving one incident, or does his mistake indicate a bigger pattern of unacceptable behaviour? This challenge is even tougher. If he screwed up big time or did one thing that hurt you, you may be willing to believe that this was a one-off, that it’s just an isolated incident for both of you to move on. But are you sure about that? There are very few situations in life where the incident in question happened because of some spontaneous divergence from an otherwise squeaky-clean persona, never to be revisited again.

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They are usually indicative of that person’s reaction to a certain set of circumstances, which if arise again, could give rise to the same incident. These incidents may indicate what we commonly call a ‘pattern of behaviour’. So before you decide to put the past behind you and forgive a mistake, be REALLY REALLY honest with yourself: Does this seem like a one-off screw up on his part, or is it a pattern of behaviour he has repeated in tiny ways over and over again? Maybe he’s a habitual liar. Or he regularly criticizes you and knocks your confidence. Perhaps he has a pattern of cruelty, or disloyalty, or getting drunk and losing control of himself. Notice these things for what they are, and don’t rationalize or excuse his behaviour. This will only lead to years of unhappiness and disappointment, followed by hating yourself for always giving him another chance. Most of the time, if the relationship ended because of a big incident, the behaviour won’t change just because he says he’s sorry and feels remorseful about what he did (which he probably will). Even if his emotion and regret are honest, and his will is the best in the world, it doesn’t means he’s fundamentally going to change who he is. However. If something truly was an isolated incident on his behalf, and you have the ability and the inclination to forgive and move on with the relationship, by all means proceed . It would be natural to assume in such a case that he has been asking for your return and that until this point you have been denying him, which of course would make this program somewhat redundant . A simple yes (accompanied by a new set of standards for the relationship) will do . If this isn’t

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the case, and he’s not trying to get you back, proceed with caution. By not pursuing your forgiveness and reconciliation he’s already showing his lax attitude towards your old relationship, which doesn’t bode well for a new one. *BIG WARNING - In the case of physical abuse (or the threat of it), you must always operate a strict ‘NO SECOND CHANCES’ policy. If you are ever concerned about your partner’s leaning towards violence or abuse, leave and never go back* What if you were the one responsible for the bad behaviour? – Three Steps For Reconciliation So what if it was a trait you had, or didn’t have, that had him breaking up with you? In that case you must take full responsibility for something you need to change. The fundamental rule is this: Don’t change something to get him back that wouldn’t benefit you even if you didn’t get him back. This is your number one maxim that you must always stick to. If you are changing in a way that hurts you or goes against your principles, in the long-run, even if you get your ex back you’ll be setting yourself up for misery and resentment later on. If you acted out in a bad way, the onus is on both of you to guide him toward forgiveness and to convince him that whatever you did will not recur a second time around.

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Though the scope of this program is dedicated to a quick and immediate solution for getting your ex back, there are three important factors in dealing with this first scenario I have just outlined . The first two I have already outlined, being: a. b. c.

Forgiveness Communicating it won’t happen again But there is also a third: Making him feel like your number one priority

This last one is essential in the process. If we take the earlier example of cheating, it is rarely enough to say sorry, get forgiveness and promise never to do it again. .

Let’s move onto scenario two. Scenario 2: It ended because of a habit he had. We already mentioned how one-off incidents are often part of a ‘pattern of behaviour’ linked to a deeper character flaw. If the relationship ended because of something you generally didn’t like about his personality you are treading into very dangerous territory in trying to get him back. It would be one thing if he were begging for you back and promising change. It’s quite another for

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you to be trying to get him back with the hope that “maybe he’s changed”. Let me save you the time and trouble: He hasn’t! At the very least, your assumption that he ‘might have’ will make you the fool who gets burnt again, only this time you won’t be able to make him the enemy, because the enemy will have been you for going back in the first place. As I said before, time can have a profound impact on our recollection of a relationship, and it’s just as likely that your wanting to go back is a product of forgetting – or ignoring – the reason it ended in the first place. But time isn’t the only thing that will have you ignoring a trait you didn’t like in him back then. It’s also a product of loneliness. Once you’ve spent enough time dating around and ‘finding no one quite like him’ - I always wonder if people include the worst parts of the their ex here - or not dating around and arriving at the absurd notion that they have no other options. So we could express the Formula for the “I’ll Never Find Another You” Trap like this: Time Passed (i.e. forgetting the bad parts of the relationship) + Feeling Lonely (i.e. finding no-one else) = I WANT HIM BACK! And this screaming cry of: “I want him back!” or “I made a mistake!” usually comes from a place of despair and frustration. It’s accompanied by the absurd panic that you’ll never ever find another person like him again (which is an extra crazy thought if he was the

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one who screwed the relationship up with his shitty behaviour, in which case you should never want someone like that again anyway!). This thought of “I’ll never find someone like you” is an irrational trap that people fall into every time. The reason it’s absurd is because if you found a great relationship before, you can do it again. Finding a great guy who makes you happy isn’t like winning the lottery, where the lucky result could never be reproduced in this lifetime. My personal trainer recently remarked to me that when people get to the third repetition of an exercise they often proclaim they cannot do it; his simple response: “Of course you can, you just did it two times”. If the heartbroken-newly-single woman in despair put the same amount of time and energy finding someone new as she did chasing her ex she would be astonished with the number of options there really are. Loneliness, and rejection from elsewhere can have a dramatic impact on our self-esteem. And when that starts dropping, our standards do too. It’s precisely this effect that has you going back to someone that you know deep down won’t give you what you want, and very often leads women away from a new ideal relationship with their ex, but the sort of on-off sleeping together arrangement that periodically attempts and fails to bury those feelings of loneliness, whilst mounting feelings of insecurity and low esteem. On a side note, there are two great antidotes to these feelings of insecurity and loneliness. The first and more superficial of the two, is to create more options with men and remind yourself just how much choice you actually have.

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It’s a surefire way to redirect focus away from your ex and put things in proper perspective. It’s true that this strategy is only as good as the options you have right now, and not sustainable for the long term, but it’s certainly effective in the short term. The logic is simple. If I put you on an island with one man, before long he’ll start looking attractive regardless of whether he’s your type or meets your standards. Our innate need for connection and intimacy can have this distorting effect. If he threatened to leave the island you could be forgiven for feeling desperate at the thought of losing him. If however, four new men are introduced to the island, your sense of perspective would be restored and two things would happen. Your reliability in measuring the merits of each man would be restored, and a sense of inner peace would arise from knowing the fate of your happiness doesn’t rest with one person. Remember: A lack of an immediate easy options is a poor excuse for going back to someone you know is wrong for you. The very thing that keeps you from finding other options is the over reliance on the guy you had before, and the false sense of comfort that comes with it. .

The second antidote is to create a genuine deep sense of self worth, which I typically refer to as CORE CONFIDENCE. It is this

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feeling of worth above all else which gives you the strength to reject bad behaviour, stop putting men on a pedestal and allow you to proceed in your love life without the crippling fear of rejection . This isn’t something I can give you in some condensed online training program . It’s instilled in you by a process that takes me five days to accomplish . However, once you do undertake it, it will change your entire approach to relationships and increase the attraction you receive from men - both old and new - ten fold . This five-day process takes place on my retreat programmes which I run only a couple of times of the year for a select group of women who .

One more thing on this… when you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll find out that you are just trying to get back with your ex to prove that you can, stop right now. The victory of knowing you could have him again is a shallow one that comes from insecurity. If you feel you are trying to get back with him to gain some form of closure, you are also wasting your time. Trying to get closure on a situation that was wrong for you regardless is pointless. What more do you need than knowing that there are better men out there for you? The details aren’t always as important as people think. If your self-worth is derived from your ability to ‘win’ back your ex, or have sex with them again, or just to enjoy the buzz of attention from having them fall for you again, I beg you, close this document immediately (or turn it off if you’re listening) and get on with your life. The path to getting back your ex, in your case, is a road that should remain untraveled.

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Q 11. How do the 5 Steps apply if I bump into my ex a lot? .

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In other words, you don’t quite get the same before and after effect as you would if he hadn’t seen you for three months. There are certain advantages of being able to go away and work on yourself in private without having to bump into someone each day or each week. You do have two advantages though. Since he is seeing you regularly, you have the ability to show him in real time how your life is being updated. He will get wind of you going out, enjoying yourself, meeting new people. He’s more likely to hear about the stories second hand, or even see them first hand. He gets to see you show up with a positive demeanor each day. This alone can be enough to attract someone back as they see you become stronger, more independent and more challenging. You also have the advantage that you don’t need to make a point of going out of your way to arrange to see him, you will naturally have opportunities to see him and recreate the spark without looking like you are even trying. I do want to warn you though, right now if you feel that you can’t be around him without being jealous, depressed or anxious, you may

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want to go out of your way to create some space before seeing him again. If he has the same friends as you, so be it, see them when he’s not around, or even better, find some new friends. You’ll appreciate the new networks they’ll bring, and potentially, the new guys. It’s much harder to get over someone or build yourself up when they are still in your presence, so don’t betray yourself by attempting to keep him in your routine before you are ready for it. Q 12. What if you are sleeping with your ex periodically? Does that change things? What should I do in this case? This is a tricky one. If you haven’t slept with your ex at all, a night of passionate, crazy, wild sex is not a bad thing at all. Especially if it happens as a oneoff and you then go back to moving on with your life and don’t immediately try to get back together with him. This will work in your favour (it keeps him off-balance for one thing), and will make him want to see you again when he realises what he’s missing. But here’s the thing. If you are regularly having sex, and he is continually evasive and cagey whenever the conversation in relation to being together again comes up, this is a sign you should back away and reduce physical intimacy with him. Just having sex with him alone won’t bring you closer to him in the way that you want to be closer to him. If you want to be in a relationship, and he keeps telling you “he just wants fun” and doesn’t want anything serious, all you are showing by continuing to sleep with him is that he can be physically intimate whenever he likes with you but never has to make any emotional investment.

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Look, there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone casually when the two people involved both want it to be casual. But when one person wants a lot more and has settled for being casual, it results in much more pain down the line. It’s highly unlikely that your sleeping with him is going to make him wake up one day and say to himself “I have to commit to this woman”. It’s far more likely that it will send him a clear message that he can both have you, and pursue other options at the same time without having to sacrifice anything. There’s no Perceived Challenge (an essential part of our attraction formula from earlier) because he doesn’t have to do anything to earn that intimacy with you. In fact, he’s learning that investing less is actually rewarding him. And since he’s likely to be aware of the fact that you would like something more than what you are getting, he will also find himself respecting you less, because he sees you disrespecting yourself by settling for less than you deserve. Then your Perceived Value in his eyes begins to drop. I call this situation the Ex-trap. Your ex strings you along just enough that you don’t feel the need to go out and meet other people, both because your needs are being half-met, your desire for connection elsewhere diluted, and because you have the hope that what you have with him is leading somewhere. Meanwhile the lack of commitment still leaves him with the freedom to go out and meet other people. It gives him everything and leaves you without your needs being met to your satisfaction.

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If you are in this situation, simply say to him: “Look as much as I love spending time with you I’m not interested in casually sleeping together the way we are now. It’s not something that really does anything for me when there’s no meaning to the situation. There are plenty of people out there I could be having a relationship with that is much more rewarding than something that doesn’t have a direction and isn’t as special because it’s not exclusive. Let’s just see each other as friends from now on. We can still flirt a little so don’t be sad : )” I particularly love this language and tone, because rather than saying “it’s not fair on me for us to keep sleeping together” – something which implies you are the victim in the situation because you want it more than he does – you are taking power back and expressing your options with other people, and making clear that he’s not satisfying you. The idea of the two of you just being friends will be something he will hate, especially if he’s used to having much more than that, and your acknowledgement that you can still flirt with each other is your way of saying that you don’t take him (or yourself ) too seriously, whilst further showing him how many steps backwards he is about to take. It’s a great way to increase your value and the challenge elements at the same time. I know it’s hard, because not only do you want to be close to him, but you worry that if you’re not sleeping with him someone else might be, and at least if you’re close to him you’re more likely to know what’s going on and be able to influence him. But the reality is that he needs to feel the effects of having lost you, and see that he has to behave a certain way to get you back. You are denying him that chance by giving in to his short-term demands.

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Q 13. I’m worried I’ll never find anyone to love again. And why is that exactly? Because you’ll decide to stop trying? What did you have to do in the first place to get this person? Either you got him by being proactive – talking to men, flirting, making yourself emotionally available - or you got him by sheer luck. Even if the case of sheer luck I’m guessing you still had to leave the house one day in order for him to be able to see you for the first time. If you were proactive before, and that was how you got your ex, then I’m not worried about you. You can do it all over again by following the same formula. If in the second instance you really found yourself doing nothing proactive, he just saw you one day and did the work for you, or your friend set you up with him, congratulations, someone just became attracted to you without you having to do very much. If someone was attracted to you it means that many people could be attracted to you, you just haven’t met them yet. Now imagine how many people you could choose from if you actually proactively started seeking them out. The point is: if you did it before, you can do it again. To think otherwise would be completely illogical and stupid, and I wouldn’t dare suspect you of being that.

The difference between Want and Need I was once told that there is a difference between wanting something and needing something. Wanting something is a healthy quality in the right doses. It is what fuels our goals and ambitions – the desire to strive for something that makes us grow and become more of the person we want to be. The most important aspect of goals is that they stretch us and change who we become for the better. Doing

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hard things makes you better, and this is so much more important than WHAT you get by doing them. The difference with Need is that it focuses on having to achieve the result at all costs. It implies that without the result, you would not be able to go on; that it is as vital as the air you breathe. When we feel we NEED something that we have lived without in the past, it is because we are telling ourselves any number of stories about this situation. These stories control whether we feel that our world is coming to an end, or just beginning. Remember, just because you WANT your ex back, it doesn’t mean you NEED him as an essential, irreplaceable component of your happiness and self-esteem. Q 14. Yes but Matt I’m older now, I’m not who I was the first time around…: Ah yes, the age excuse. Always conveniently timed to get someone off the hook at the precise moment they need an excuse for inaction or passing the buck. If you were with your ex for a couple of years and are now using the age excuse, forgive me for not taking it seriously. If you were in a relationship for 10+ years and are now over a decade later saying that in your new age category you will not find someone, let me reassure you, not so much has changed. The game is still creating a life you love, sharing it with people in conversation and being eager to hear about theirs. It’s no more complex than that, no matter how many new apps and dating sites are invented, and no matter how much men ‘text’ instead of calling these days. You’re aging? Good, we all are.

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People who age in a way that exudes the confidence of knowing their way around life, interesting stories, and an unquenchable thirst for experiences never truly suffer from their age. The 60 year old may not find themselves the object of the desires of the 25 year old (though don’t always rule it out on a attraction level – confidence and a cheeky demeanor can be a powerful thing), but they can damn well be attractive to their age group, in which there are many men on the opposite side seeking out love. Some of the most attractive women I know are in the later stages of life, and they wear it with pride and beauty, not to mention a little sass. Q 15. I could be alone for years waiting for someone else to come along Yes of course you could. Fortunately none of us have to sit here and wait. If you weren’t getting fed today I can tell you it wouldn’t be long before you went out and found a meal so that you could satisfy your hunger. That’s why we always eat no matter what. If you always want options in your love life, simply begin the process of bringing new men into your life. The good news I have for you is that it will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life if you go into it with the right attitude. Building a great life and bringing new people into it is one of life’s great pleasures whether it brings the love of your life or not. To deny yourself the ability to do this would be to deny yourself the experience of truly living. You won’t be waiting for him to come along, and you won’t be desperately trying to find a new one either. You’ll be living. Q 16. I gave my all and it wasn’t enough, so how do I know it’ll be enough for anybody?

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It’s extremely common in love for people to give a huge amount to somebody, get hurt by that person, and then resolve not to give their love again. We are all afraid that on some level we are not enough. Many of us don’t give 100% in relationships so that when it goes wrong at least we can tell themselves we didn’t try that hard anyway. But when we truly give our all and somebody doesn’t reciprocate, or leaves, it can feel like our all isn’t enough. But this is an absurd assumption. If you gave your absolute best to a business idea that was flawed in the first place, the business would be unlikely to work no matter what you did. That doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for business, it just means that your energy was directed in the wrong place. If one of your family needed to change and you gave them all the support and love you could to help them, but they still didn’t change, it would mean your love wasn’t important or worthy, it just means that their problem was bigger than your influence at that point in time. In a relationship, giving your all to one person and not getting the same love back is an indication of energy being sent in the wrong direction, not of the energy being futile in the first place. Your intimate love isn’t supposed to be right for everybody, it’s supposed to be right for those whom you could have a true connection with, and have the ability to give it back. Not everyone will have the right connection with us, and not everyone has the ability to give it back. That doesn’t mean we spite ourselves and the next person we meet by giving up. We have to keep going, if only for the reason that being a loving person who gives our all is something we are, not just something we do when it’s easy.

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Q 17. I’ll never be able to cope with life on my own If you want your ex back right now because you are afraid of being alone, at least we know it’s not about your ex. It’s about you. This is a feeling you would get no matter who the person is, which means we need to work on that before you get back with your ex or find anyone else. Being alone can be one of the most rewarding experiences of life. In fact it’s incredibly important. In his book Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke writes on the importance of solitude and being alone: “There is only one solitude, and it is vast, heavy, difficult to bear, and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability, however trivial or cheap, for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along, the most unworthy…What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours - that is what you must be able to attain…It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it…Therefore, dear sir, love your solitude and bear with sweet-sounding lamentation the suffering it causes you.”

This suggests solitude is as important, if not more at certain points in our life, as being around people. It is precisely these moments where we allow ourselves to grow from within. You may wonder how you are going to cope on your own, but it is precisely in being alone that we learn how to cope. It is necessary. When you feel the pain of being alone it will not have to be a bad pain, just the pain of adapting to a situation that scared you. And once you have come out the other side, you will be 100x more equipped for a relationship, because nothing could be more attractive than someone who is investing in a relationship from a place of strength, instead of fear.

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Q 18. I’ve invested so much time and energy in this person. How can I give up now? I’ve come across this a lot during my coaching sessions. It’s understandable that after spending so much time and energy on one person you want it to ‘pay off ’. It can feel like you’ve gone so far down a road that to lose it now would be a waste of all those years. But that isn’t how life works. The time we spend is never wasted, it is part of the beautiful tapestry of our lives. It is filled with experience, learning and memories, all of which serve us in the next chapter of our lives. One ending experience makes way for another beautiful experience to begin. That does not mean there is nothing to mourn about the last one. Every experience that ends in our life can bring on some sadness in seeing it go. But too many people dwell so much on the sadness that they never lift their gaze to see the beauty that waits for them ahead. Remember that there have been times before in your life where you mourned the ending of an era. Maybe it was leaving school, or a job, or a place you lived, or a friend, a lover…and remember how life renewed itself each time, bringing new adventures and challenges, new sources of joy and beauty, new experiences and new lessons. There are too many things to experience in life to spend it all worrying about what’s lost. What is next to be found? That is the big question, and the one that all brave people must ask. Q 19. I can’t think about them with someone else… Ah, to be human. Not only is this a natural feeling, it’s a part of not wanting to let go. But you will overcome this feeling too. I promise.

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These feelings feel their worst when our focus on that one person is at its peak. They can be so bad we wonder how we are to be expected to bear the pain. As time moves on, and you meet new people, and realize the new encounters you yourself are to have, you will find this feeling begin to drift into the distance, becoming less and less intense; more like a distant memory of a feeling you once had, which is beautiful in it’s own way. It acts as a reminder of how much you are able to love, and be attached, and hold onto something pure. Make no mistake, this feeling too will repeat itself. It has the ability to attach itself to the next person you develop feelings for in exactly the same way, and when it does, you will likely forget about having felt it for anyone else and they will feel fresh all over again. Knowing that these feelings can arrive again with the next person you desire is the key to overcoming them in the present. They are human feelings, they are natural, and they will pass, just as they have with every other partner you’ve had in the past. Life moves us on to the next experience. Q 20. They were the best person I’ve ever met, I’ll never find anyone else like them Actually, it’s highly likely you will find someone else like them. That he exists and you became attracted to him is simply evidence that people like him DO exist, and that you CAN become attracted to them. It also proves that someone like that CAN be attracted to you. All of these things are important, because they remind you that it wasn’t mere luck. Relationships are created in the world for people who get out there, take chances and put themselves on the line, every single day. Remember that you will be attracted to those same qualities in new people in the future, and the same feelings will return. I have coached

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thousands of women who never believed they could feel a certain feeling again, only to find that they do. And when they do it shocks them to find that the feeling wasn’t lost, it was just waiting for them to find it again. It’s also true that although we don’t always find people with the exact qualities as someone we’ve had in the past, we often find that the next person brings something completely new to the table. Different isn’t always a bad thing. Now we’d be fools not to acknowledge that you’re likely to run into some guys who will be everything you don’t want. That’s just part of meeting people. Oh and one last thing on this. It’s worth noting that however great you thought your ex was, the guy you end up with, unlike your ex, will have chosen to be with you, he has that much on his side. One Final Thing: You can’t lose! . .

I hope I don’t need to restate this, but there are more incredible men out there than you could hope to date in 1000 lifetimes. The idea that this one man from your past is the only one who can make you happy is simply not true. It’s ok to want it to work out, but know

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that if it doesn’t you will find happiness again with somebody else, or even several people. The world is yours to enjoy, and you are free to enjoy it in a series of infinite adventures that now stretch out before you. If you're feeling pain right now, know that you are more resilient than you think . Studies have proven that human beings have what is called immune neglect: this means we forget just how good our psychological immune system is at recovering from the effects of what we perceive as a negative life change . We overestimate how hard and for how long a negative situation will affect us . When people go through a breakup, they often .

My primary aim for this program is to make you have realize that the power lies with you . That you have discovered again, or perhaps for the first time, that you are your greatest asset . Anyone has the ability to leave you, just as you have the ability to leave them. But there is something that should always give you comfort. No matter how you part ways, you always get you in the deal. Wonderful, beautiful you. If you dedicate your life to being the best you can be, and becoming all that you can become, it will never be wasted. You will create wonderful life. One of the common by-products of a wonderful life is the people who want to be part of it. The men in your life will always be a symptom of your wonderful life, not the other way around. Perhaps you’ll find it easier to imagine it this way: You are the business. The men in your life are the revenue. Revenue can go

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up, it can go down, but as long as the business remains, you always know you can replicate a result again. And remember, regardless of whether you get your ex back, there are many great people out there that could make you just as happy . Let this be a pressure valve any time you feel yourself trying to will it too much . This man that you sat through this program for, is one of the many avenues you could go down to in your life . He is by no means the only avenue . When you realize just how many others there are out there, you will have the confidence that comes with knowing you have choice . Keep that knowledge with you at all times, and no single man can ever make you feel alone again, because you really never are, and you never will be.