Freddy The Time Traveler (3)

Freddy, the Time Traveler (3) copyright 2009 by Clete Goffard

" The Bloody Towel." I. Professor Amos Thistlepatch was scrutinizing the foreleg of a green dung beetle in the library of his gracious Victorian home when a banging on his front door disturbed his attention. He heard his daughter answer the door and reluctantly put his work aside. He was working on a paper to be entitled, "Variations in the Articulation of the Right Foreleg of the Green Dung Beetle (Scarabaeoidea)," which was destined to be a classic, as Thistlepatch was considered by many to be among the world's authorities on beetle forelegs, and his name was frequently heard whenever the conversation drifted around to dung beetles. His present monograph was a careful analysis of how the green dung beetle, or scarab, could form cattle droppings into little balls without putting its' foot in it, so to speak. As he made his way down the staircase he could see that the source of the commotion was none other than Mr. Arrex, the local pharmacy proprietor, responsible for the calamity at the last meeting of The Time Travel Argonauts and Saturday Evening Cribbage Club, when his single minded determination to exit had caused Miss Mulligan, the amply endowed librarian, to trip over her chair and crash to the floor with a loud noise. Hyacinth Marie, the Professor's daughter, was in the hallway, attempting to calm down Arrex who was quite agitated."Fit to be tied," was the odd thought that passed through Thistlepatch's mind . "Professor!" said Arrex, spotting him, "I have great problems. I..." and here he swallowed with a gimace, " I am a murderer!" "What's this?" asked Thistlepatch slightly alarmed, "A murderer, did you say? And who was it that was murdered?" "Wayne Schnitzel, the butcher. My mother's lover!" "Stop, for a moment," said the older man holding up his hand, "Schnitzel the butcher... I recall it now. Why, that happened forty years ago.It was a gruesome crime--Schnitzel was discovered lying atop his butchering block with a cleaver in his chest, and a pork chop in his hand." "Yes!" cried Arrex, "It was I who put the cleaver in his chest! "Mr. Arrex," replied Thistlepatch, gently, "How old were you when Schnitzel died?" "Nine years old." "Do you really suppose that a nine year old boy could overpower a large burly man used to rough work?" asked the Professor. "I killed him last night!" shouted Arrex, "I traveled back in time to put the cleaver in his chest." "A disturbing dream, and no more," said Thistlepatch, "Put your mind at ease." "Then how do you explain this!" replied Arrex, who pulled a bloody towel from his coat and held it up for display. "I awoke from a what you call a dream to find a bloody rag in my hand? I am convinced I murdered the brute, but I cling to the remote hope that I am mistaken. Professor, for the sake of my sanity you must use your expert knowledge of time travel to convince me that what seems true is impossible!" "Well, now," said the Professor, " that may be a large undertaking. I suggest we retire to my study to get to the bottom of this dilemma. Hyacinth,dear, we would be obliged for a large pot of tea," adding, sotto voce, behind his hand,"Be certain there is a substantial amount of brandy in it." Thistlepatch had a healthy regard for the therapeutic effect of alcohol on the nervous system. So Thistlepatch and Arrex went upstairs to turn over stones long overgrown with moss. Little by

little, the whole sordid tale came out. It was not a tale of Oedipus, unknowingly returning to kill his father, but the agony of a delicate nine-year-old whose bedroom shared a wall with his mother's room. Every weekend night, young Arrex would lie on his little cot and be assaulted by the noises emanating from the adjoining room.For hours at a time there was the thumpa, thumpa, thumpa of his mother's huge old oaken bed as she and Schnitzel, her fat German boyfriend, rode it over the floor with grunting, moans, and screams of "Oooooh!" and "Mein Gott!" He forced his fingers into his ears to keep out the din, but that didn't work. His eyes red with tears, young Arrex pleaded over and over, "Please God--please make the noise stop! I want to take my nap!" But God didn't make the noise stop. Perhaps He didn't hear, or perhaps Schnitzel was praying louder. But just when Arrex was about to give up on the Divinity, the noises did stop. Schnitzel no longer appeared. His mother seemed pale and withdrawn. Strange, important looking, people came into the house to ask questions. His mother took him aside, a little later, and explained that "Uncle Wayne" would not be coming by again--UncleWayne was in Heaven. It was thus that Arrex learned what a double-edged sword praying is, for he realized then, that he was not going to get the chemistry set that Uncle Wayne had promised him for Christmas. Upon digesting this, and more, Thistlepatch, sat back and mused. "Apparently, the bloody towel lies at the crux of the matter. Can you tell me anything more about this?" "No," replied Arrex sadly, "It was merely a towel of many I keep about the house." "And you did not take the towel to bed with you?" "Professor!" cried out Arrex, "What do you take me for?" "My apologies, Mr. Arrex," said the professor (not quite certain why he was apologizing), "I was merely entertaining a random thought concerning nosebleed." Then, taking a long draught of brandied tea, he continued, "This is a fascinating case, and I must give it some thought and consult with others." "Professor," said Arrex with some degree of alarm, "This matter must be kept confidential at all costs." "Rest assured,Mr. Arrex," said Thistlepatch, "It will be pursued with the utmost delicacy, and your identity will not be revealed. Henceforth I shall refer to it simply as the "bloody towel time traveler case." II. The Professor's promise of confidentially to Arrex did not extend as far as having young Freddy Fredericks, time travel aficianado and friend of Hyacinth make some discrete investigations into the life of one Mr. Arvin Arrex. "The man has the reputation of being a mine field," reported back Freddy, "As is commonly known. Mrs. Flattus, who seems to be an expert on anyone you can name, told me that a young woman from out of town, not knowing of Arrex's disposition, entered the apothecary and enquired about a commercial product for the treatment of hemorrhoids."Is this for you?" Arrex asked, in his sharp way. "No," said the embarassed young lady," it is for a friend of mine." This simple statement caused Arrex to blurt out loudly, "NO IT IS NOT! YOU'RE LYING! IT'S FOR YOU!" According to witnesses the young woman burst into tears and fled, and Arrex stood in a corner and trembled violently and banged his head against the wall until his distress subsided. "I would say the man is crackers," concluded Freddy, "and I intend to obtain my prescriptions elsewhere." "Perhaps if the townsfolk could afford one of your machines, Freddy, they would travel out of town, as well, " referring to Freddy's recent rise to being the county's only Pegasus Electric Automobile factory representative. "The reports of the man's ill humor has given rise to an idea," said Freddy, "You do not suppose that Arrex have killed someone else believing it to be Schnitzel? He may be a complete lunatic for all we know."

"If you will follow me, My dear Mr. Fredericks," said the professor, "I shall set you to an essential task which I do not presently have time for, as I am finishing a monograph on the manipulative skills of Scarabaeoida." Freddy followed the professor to his well-appointed library wherre the elder man motioned him to a comfortable window chair, and after some rummaging about returned with a weighty stack of volumes which he set on a chairside reading table. "If you feel you are up to the task, Freddy, " said Thistlepatch, "I am asking you to undertake a research into the behaviour of time travelers with special emphasis on the problem afflicting Mr. Arrex." The professor left, but returned a few minutes later with a decanter and glass. "I shall leave the brandy decanter with you, as well," said Thistlepatch, "so that you may calm your nerves while pursuing the ephemerae of temporal dislocation." "Time Travelers seem to be a bloody lot," Freddy reported back several days later, "Why, I believe I have read three theories by persons who proposed to travel back in time to kill their parents. I should think that if one traveled backward in time, one would be wiser to give them a bag of money to make one's own life better. I can however, discern no reason for wanting to kill one's grandparents." "I'm sure the consideration is merely theoretical," answered Thistlepatch, "the point being that if one traveled backward in time too kill one's parents that one would therefore not be born, so there would be no one to travel backward in time to kill the parents. But if you were born, it means you would or could not have traveled back in time and killed them. So time travel is in the first case impossible, or in the second case, the time traveler possibly loses the nerve to actually kill his parents,or he kills them after he is born, which makes the whole trip pointless, it would seem, unless our ideas of time are incorrect.. Of course, this overlooks the motivation of one's siblings, if any, who might destroy one's time machine if they discovered one's programme, for it would be their parents as well, who were killed, which they might not care for. I suspect the use of grandparents is to spare the time traveler the trauma of killing his dear Mater and Pater." "Nontheless," continued Freddy, I cannot find an account or proposal for traveling back in time to do in one's mother's gentleman friend." "Be that as it may," said Thistlepatch, "I believe the answer to Arrex's problem does not involve traveling in time, but a deep seated agony of the psyche. The man has the reputation of extreme reaction to seemingly harmless events. I, too, have been informed by townsfolk that the man has a mercurial temperament. My own daughter is apprehensive about going into his shop because of the strange way he stares at her over the top of his glasses." "If the brute terrifies Hyacinth," said Freddy sternly, "then I shall be obliged to call him out." "Calm yourself, my dear young man," said the professor, "Hyacinth will have no purpose in visiting his shop now that her stalwart defender can whisk her to the next metropolis in an electric machine." "I have already expressed the opinion that the man is crackers," replied Freddy, "and I see no reason to modify that statement." III. Freddy wasted little time in taking up the Professor's suggestion. He made a date with Hyacinth for a day's shopping in the nearby Metroville to supply their apothecary needs as well as to obtain what other goods might be desired. It was an auspicious morning, and the Professor and Hyacinth, who was of course his only child, were lingering over breakfast when there was the novel "AA-OO-GA" sound of an automobile horn from out front. They stepped out the front door to be greeted by the sight of Freddy, in linen duster, traveling cap, and googles seated a handsome black and maroon Pegasus Electric Automobile. Freddy removed a package from the passenger seat and presented it to Hyacinth. Shortly thereafter, Hyacinth in a ladies' duster, goggles, and cap took a seat beside Freddy, and the two sped off to Metroville with parting waves to the Professor and several AA-OO-GA's from the horn. A few miles from their starting point, the car started down an incline into a small valley a hundred

yards or so across, and the two rapidly found themselves immersed in an odd fog or mist. As luck would have it, this was exactly the place in which the one road divided into two. Freddy pulled to a stop to examine the intersection when they were startled by a brief glimpse of another black and maroon car with passengers swerving past them and disappearing into the mist. Freddy and Hyacinth stared at one another, not quit certain what they had witnessed. But the event, as transient as it was, colored the mood of the rest of the expedition. In apothecary shop in Metroville, while waiting for Hyacinth's shopping, Freddy wandered down a store aisle and came upon a large display of red and white cans labled, "Dr.Blessing's Bleeder's Balm", a hemorroid preparation.Upon reading the label Freddy was puzzled, and then thought to buy a can of the preparation for the professor's inspection, as the thrust of their enquiries seemed to lead to Arrex's possible medical condition. Later Freddy presented the red and white container to the Professor, pointing out that the concoction was made by the Arrex Company of their own fair city. "This," said Thistlepatch, "may be the smoking gun, if salve for the treatment of hemorrhoids may be properly called a "smoking gun." "But something else that you said earlier raises an idea in my mind. Arrex flew off the handle, as they say, when confronted with a request for hemorroid treatment. Perhaps he, himself, suffers from the affliction and cannot face what he considers to be the shame of it? That would explain the bloody towel." "But is the affliction of hemorrhoids sufficient motive for murder?" asked Freddy. "I expect the constable would look at it in that light." "No, not actual murder," said the professor holding up his finger to make a point, " But the reputation of a murderer might be preferable to a manufacturer of a hemorrhoid nostrum than to be publically known as a hapless bleeder. Who would buy his salve, then? I believe it is time for another interview with Mr. Arrex." The professor arranged for a consultation with Arrex, who arrived in a pleasant, but anxious mood. He was shown the can bought by Freddy and asked, "Have you ever seen this preparation?" " I can't say that I have, Professor Thistlepatch, replied Arrex, " But it is an odd circumstance that one of my well-remembered chemistry instructors was named Blessing." "That oddity of circumstance will seem be doubly so," replied Thistlepatch, "when you are made aware of certain other information.Examine the label of this container and tell me, if you can, what it means." Arrex examined the label with interest, then looked up, quizzically. "Someone must be playing a prank, Sir. This product, 'Dr. Blessing's Bleeder's Balm', according to the label, was manufactured by the Arrex Balm Company at an address identical to that of my shop. I have never manufactured or distributed such a product, nor have I seen it before!" Perhaps you will be so good as to give us your account of coming upon this product, Freddy," said the Professor. While waiting for Hyacynth Marie to make her cosmetic purchases in Metroville, Freddy replied, he had strolled around the emporium examining its' wares, and had come upon a display of of Blessings' preparation. "I recall seeing an advertising claim to the effect that the product now contained 'colabunga root extract,' " he added, "which captured my attention since I had been previously unaware of the colabunga root." Arrex suddenly stopped, his mouth fell open, and he asked loudly, "What? Did you say, colabunga root?" With that he took the can, and examined it intently, frozen in thought before suddenly coming to life and shouting incredulously, " Of course! colabunga root is the missing ingredient!" With that outburst, he rushed out the door without another word. "I expect that I am becoming a bore by continually repeating the opinion that the man is crackers," said Freddy. IV. Arrex returned a week later in triumph, a completely more congenial person. His affliction, of which

he had never admitted, was no doubt in remission. I addition to this, he was excited by the business prospects of producing a commerical product which in his brief experience with it had proved it to be entirely effective for the treatment of hemorrhoids. Lady Luck, it seems, had finally smiled upon him. Of course he needed to sell it under a different name, he said, although, strangely, no one had seemed to have heard of the Dr. Blessing product -- and he was certainly not going to reveal that the secret ingredient was colabunga root. Afterwards the Professor and Freddy discuss the event. "A great mystery, Professor, but I cannot wrap my mind around it.Somehow, the key event of it all, was the mysterious fog at the fork in the highway where we were almost run over by another automobile that was a dead ringer for our own and the passengers of which were quite similar to myself and Hyacinth." "And from there," continued Thistlepatch, "You proceeded to Metroville, and bought a product which no one had ever been aware before, even in the city of its manufacture." The professor paused a moment in thought, the put his hand on Freddy's shoulder. "My dear Mr. Fredericks, " he said, " I should think it is very likely that you, my daughter and your electric steed, took a brief trip into the future where a successful Arrex was selling his preparation for hemorrhoid relief. The switch occured slightly before you saw the second car at the fogbound intersection, where you somehow exchanged places with future self." But certain variations have been introduced. Arrex has already decided to change the label somewhat, but more importantly, is determined to never reveal that the "mystery ingredient" is colabunga root, realizing that such knowledge is commercially valuable." "However, since the addition of of colabunga root extract is not revealed," said Thistlepatch, "the next Freddy Fredericks arriving from the past will return with a formulation which means little to the future Arrex who then may never discover the secret ingredient. Hence he will continue to suffer from his hemorrhoids and will not become a manufacturer." "Might he discover it in some other way?" queried Freddy, "I noted that the concoction had a very pungeant odor." "Ah yes," replied Thistlepatch, "that might be a way. Another being, perhaps, that of student Arrex paying more attention to the ideas of Dr. Blessing about colabunga root. But suppose that this was not the case. Your journey out-of-time, then, introduced an accident which changed the future. But if we can change the future, it is not fixed, and we must wonder if it exists at all. But then," replied Freddy, " Where did Hyacinth and I go to get the colabunga root salve?" "An excellent question," replied the older man, "it seems we are surrounded by mysteries." Then changing his focus a little, he asked, "Are you certain that you exhausted your recollection of the events in the foggy encounter? There may be key information about the nature of time travel, which has slipped your attention." "I have told you that the driver and his passenger might very well have been Hyacinth and myself, replied Freddy, "but it was only a fleeting glimpse of a completely unanticipated event.That is all except a few small details which I am sure are no more than phantasy's of my imagination." Thistlepatch looked at Freddy intently and replied with a repressed smile, "Small details which are perhaps too embarrassing to recount? Whatever might that be? It would not involve my daughter, would it?" Freddy's complexion became noticeably pinker. "It does, Sir," replied Freddy with a catch in his voice, "but I would be greatly embarrassed if it became known to her." "Indeed," replied Thistlepatch, " And you are not certain of my discretion, is that it?" "I shall be only too happy to reveal the detail," replied Freddy, "if you will give me your word. You must understand my agitation, for my recollection may be incorrect." "You have my assurance," said Thistlepatch, " Now what is this embarrassing detail?" "When the auto passed us in the mist," replied Freddy,swallowing with effort, "it seemed to me that the passenger was holding a small child." "A small child!" replied the professor. "I believe I see the source of your embarrassment--the

implication of this is that you....and she....." "Yes," replied Freddy turning a bright red. The professor chose this moment to pass his hand over his face and cough. "Perhaps," he said with a discrete wink, "It is not always advisable to fight one's fate." - - - 30 - - -