Erics Quest

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ERIC'S QUEST An original screenplay By Ken Ross EXT. CITY PARK - DAY ERIC WHITE, who is almost 16, is seated on a picnic table, playing the 1812 Overture on a harmonica. He is wearing an orange and purple Burl's Burger Barn uniform. JOAN, a 15-year-old girl with short-cropped hair, wearing a tube top, jeans ripped open at the knees and big hoop earrings, is sitting across from Eric. She is examining a new piercing stud in her nose with her compact mirror. Eric concludes the piece. ERIC How was that? Joan puts down her mirror. JOAN Fine, I suppose, but Eric, if you really want to be a professional harmonica player, you need to play blues or rock and roll or something like that. ERIC No, there are thousands of harmonica players who play the blues and rock. I'll be the first ever concert harmonica performer of classical music. Joan, nobody believes in my dream. Please, you've got to believe in me. JOAN OK. You'll be a famous player of classical music on the harmonica some day. Eric stands.

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ERIC I better get to work. You are coming over for my birthday on Saturday aren't you? JOAN I don't think so. ERIC What do you mean you don't think so? It's my 16th birthday. JOAN I'm dumping you Eric. ERIC You're dumping me? JOAN I'm going to date the Thompson twins. ERIC You're dumping me? JOAN Yes, that's what I said. They are both silent for a moment. JOAN Say Eric, I bought a shirt for your birthday when we were still going together and I got it on sale, so I can't return it and I thought you might want to buy it from me. It's a really nice... ERIC (interrupting Joan) Did you say, you're going to date the Thompson twins?

JOAN Yes. 3

ERIC Both of them? JOAN Yes. They're identical, you know and not just one of them, they're both identical. ERIC Identical or not, it's weird for you to date them at the same time. JOAN What if they were Siamese twins joined at the hip? I'd have to date them both at the same time then, wouldn't I? ERIC They are not Siamese twins. JOAN What if they were? Would you still think it's weird to date them both? ERIC Yeah, I suppose I would. JOAN Eric White! That's awful, thinking people are weird because of the way they're born! ERIC (Shouting) The Thompsons are not Siamese twins! I don't know any Siamese twins! You don't know any Siamese twins either! JOAN

I knew you wouldn't understand.

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INT. BURL'S BURGER BARN – DAY Eric is behind the counter at a garishly decorated fast food restaurant. He is near a cash register and a microphone. A counter to the kitchen is behind him. MR. and MRS. CUSTOMER, both about 30, approach the counter. ERIC Welcome to Burl's Burger Barn. May I take your order? MR. CUSTOMER We both want the glutton burger deluxe combo to go. ERIC (Into microphone) Two glutton deluxe combos to go. (to Mrs. Customer) Ma'am, may I ask whether you have any children? MRS. CUSTOMER What business is that of yours? ERIC Excuse me. I just need to know whether you qualify for our Mother's Day two percent discount. Eric points to a sign on the wall. MRS. CUSTOMER (Angry) No. We have no children, although Lord knows we've tried, not that it's any of your business. MR. CUSTOMER (Angrier) Maybe you'd like to ask us some

personal and humiliating questions like they do at that damned fertility clinic. That's what you'd like to do, isn't it, boy? 5

ERIC Sir, ma'am, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. MRS. CUSTOMER (Starting to cry) Have you ever stopped to think what it's like to see mothers with their babies, knowing that could never be you? Have you ever thought about that? ERIC Well, no I guess I haven't. Mrs. Customer starts sobbing heavily. Mr. Customer puts an arm around her shoulders and glares at Eric. MR. CUSTOMER It's no use trying to explain things to him, darling. He's just an insensitive moron. Or maybe he just likes tormenting people. Is that what you like to do, boy, torment people? VOICE IN BACKGROUND Order up. ERIC I'm very sorry. We'll let you have the Mother's Day discount anyway. Eric gets a tray with a sack and two drinks from the counter behind him and sets it by the cash register. MR. CUSTOMER Forget your stupid discount. What do we owe for your stupid food? MR. WELLS, a concerned looking manager in uniform, about

30, approaches Eric and the Customers from behind the counter. Mrs. Customer continues to sob loudly and Mr. Customer continues to glare at Eric.

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WELLS Excuse me. I'm Mr. Wells, the manager here and candidate for district manager over five locations. Is there a problem? MR. CUSTOMER No problem other than this idiot ripping open a deep and festering wound. Now what do we owe you? WELLS No charge, sir. The boy will pay for it from his final paycheck. Eric, you're fired. ERIC But Mr. Wells, I just did what I was told to do. WELLS As manager here and candidate for district manager over five locations, I can assure you that at Burl's Burger Barn, we never ever tell our employees to rip open deep and festering wounds. Now turn in your uniform. ERIC I'll go home and change clothes and bring the uniform right back. WELLS No, that uniform is Burl's Burger Barn property and you are not leaving here with it. ERIC I don't have any other clothes

with me. How can I leave it? EXT. OUTSIDE OF BURL'S BURGER BARN – LATER Eric leaves Burl's Burger Barn wearing a trash sack. 7

INT. WHITES' DINING TABLE - DAY The White family is at the dining table. FATHER, about 40, is at the head of the table. MOTHER, also about 40, is to Father’s right. Eric is to Father's left, standing in front of a birthday cake. Also at the table are ALLEN, 14; BECKY, 13; CLARA, 12; DORIS, 11; EILEEN, 10; FRANK, 9; GLORIA, 8; HEATHER, 7; IVAN, 6; and JENNY, 5. The room and furnishings are dilapidated, giving an appearance of moderate poverty. Eric blows out the candles. The others cheer. Mother starts cutting the cake. FATHER Don't cut the pieces too big. There are 13 of us. MOTHER Actually, we have 12 children, making 14 of us all together. FATHER No, count them - 11 kids. Mother looks around the table with a puzzled expression. MOTHER I would have sworn we had 12. CLARA Eddie went to stay with the Trumbles. FATHER Eddie? MOTHER You remember Eddie. He collects insect larvae and has a Colorado shaped birthmark on his neck.

FATHER I thought we agreed it was Wyoming. How long is he staying with the Trumbles? 8

FRANK It was supposed to be overnight but he never came back. DORIS That was two years ago. FATHER Two years is too long to stay at a friend's house. He'll have to come home. EILEEN He can't. They moved to Seattle. FATHER Oh. MOTHER Everybody, be sure to chew your cake thoroughly so you won't choke to death on a pecan. Eric clutches his throat, gasping. GLORIA Look! Eric is choking to death on a pecan! MOTHER See. That's what happens when you don't chew your food enough. BECKY Dad, if Eric chokes to death, can I have his room? ALLEN No way! I'm older than you, Becky.

BECKY Yeah, but there are only three of you in your room. There are seven of us in the girls' room. 9

Eric continues to make choking noises and is turning red. FATHER Allen and Becky, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Your brother isn't even dead yet and you're squabbling over his room. Allen and Becky hang their heads, looking contrite. Eric coughs out a pecan that flies across the table, hitting Allen in the eye. ALLEN Ow, my eye! Allen rubs at his eye as Eric gulps in air, then sips from a glass of water. FATHER Are you all right? ERIC (Still gasping) No! I'm not all right! Eric stands up and shouts angrily. ERIC You can start fighting over my room again! I'm leaving! I'm going to California to find a talent agent who will make me a famous classical harmonica performer! Eric's siblings laugh as Eric stomps out of the room. Mother and Father look at each other and try to restrain laughter but are unable to.

INT. ERIC'S ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER Eric is packing a suitcase in his tiny bedroom. Father and Mother squeeze into the room.

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FATHER So you're running away? ERIC No, I'm just pursuing my destiny. FATHER (to Mother) Should we tell him about the Porters? ERIC The Porters? MOTHER That's a family in California who agreed to adopt you. FATHER When you were 4 and Allen was 2, we were having some really rough times. I was only getting 20 hours a week at the lava lamp factory and we decided to put the two of you up for adoption. MOTHER But when we were at Child Placement, Allen made his fish face. ERIC Fish face? FATHER It’s something Allen used to do. He’d suck in his cheeks so just a little of his lips could be seen.

MOTHER It was so adorable. When we saw him like that it broke our hearts to think about giving him up. ERIC So, because Allen made a funny face, you didn’t put us up for adoption? 11

MOTHER We decided not to put Allen up for adoption. You didn’t make the fish face. FATHER No, Eric, you really didn’t do anything cute at that age. So we went ahead with arrangements with a Mr. and Mrs. Watson to take you. EXT. WHITE FRONT PORCH - FLASHBACK MR. AND MRS. WATSON, in their early 30s and wearing white lab coats go to FOUR-YEAR-OLD ERIC. Mrs. Watson takes the child by the hand and the Watsons walk away with Eric as Father and Mother watch. Eric at age 4 shows no emotion. FATHER (V.O.) They were scientists who operated an independent testing lab. EXT. WHITE FRONT PORCH - FLASHBACK CONTINUES Mr. and Mrs. Watson, still wearing lab coats walk back toward the front porch, with Mrs. Watson holding, Eric, age 4, by the hand. Eric is now also wearing a lab coat. Father and Mother are waiting on the porch. MOTHER (V.O.) But the Watsons couldn’t keep you. They were scientists, so naturally, they had lab rats running around the house and you were terrified of rats.

INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK ENDS FATHER The next referral we had from Child Placement was to a Mr. Johansen, a single man who resided at the State Institute for the Criminally Insane.

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INT. STATE INSTITUTE - FLASHBACK Father, Mother and Eric, age 4, sit at a table across from MR. JOHANSEN, about 50, wearing denim pants and a denim shirt. They stare silently at each other, Johansen’s mouth hanging open. An ORDERLY, about 30, wearing lime green, is in the background. MOTHER (V.O.) I didn’t really feel comfortable leaving you with Mr. Johansen. INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK ENDS MOTHER Not long after that, Mr. and Mrs. Lee visited us. INT. WHITES' LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK Father and Mother are seated on a couch. MR. AND MRS. LEE, a Korean couple in their 30s, are inspecting Eric, age 4, feeling his arms and looking at his teeth. MOTHER (V.O.) They were visiting the U.S. and wanted to take a child back home with them to Korea. INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK ENDS FATHER Eventually, the Lees decided to

get a puppy instead. MOTHER Finally Ma and Pa Porter visited us. They own a small family molybdenum mine near the town of Nextexit in California. ERIC A family molybdenum mine?

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INT. WHITES' LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK PA AND MA PORTER, in their 30s, each weighing about 350 pounds, are seated on the couch. Pa wears bib overalls and Ma wears a plain dress. Father and Mother are seated in chairs facing them. Eric, age 4, is on Mother’s lap. PA Yes, the Porter Family Molybdenum Mine. We aren’t rich but we can afford to put some meat on the bones of that scrawny boy. We eat big meals and have lots of snacks. MA Land sakes, yes! We have plenty of snacks. Mining is hard work and we need to fuel our bodies. PA We already have two youngsters a bit older than that one. Junior and Sis. But having a family molybdenum mine is kind of dangerous. You never know when youngsters might be crushed to death under tons of molybdenum or asphyxiated by methane gas. MA Land sakes, yes! Or they could be killed by some common childhood

disaster, like what happened to Millie Potts - ripped apart by rabid skunks, or like what happened to Tommy Andrews bludgeoned to death when horseplay got a tad too rough. PA So, it pays to have spare youngsters around in case you lose one or two. MOTHER I’m sorry. I’m having second thoughts about all of this. 14

PA When can we expect a decision? MOTHER I just don’t know. MA Well, take all the time you need. INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK ENDS MOTHER So since there was no time limit, the offer is still open and you can go live with the Porters. ERIC I don't want to live with the Porters. I don't want to work in a molybdenum mine. I want to be a professional harmonica player. FATHER Well, you need to have a place to stay when you get to California. INT. BUS - DAY Eric is by the bus window, looking out.

EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS The bus goes past a "Welcome to California" sign in the Sierra Nevada area of Northern California. EXT. DOWNTOWN NEXTEXIT – DAY Eric gets off of the bus and walks across the street to the office of the Nextexit Weekly Gazette and enters. INT. NEXTEXIT WEEKLY GAZETTE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Eric enters a sparsely furnished office. SYLVIA MCDOONE, a pretty 16-year-old girl, is seated at a desk talking on the phone. She doesn't notice Eric at first. 15

SYLVIA No, I'm at dad's office. I stopped in on my way to... (notices Eric) Myrna, a boy came into the office! (pause) No, he just walked right in. I'll call you back. Sylvia hangs up the phone. SYLVIA (angry) What are you doing here? ERIC Isn't this a newspaper office? SYLVIA Well yes, but it's not open. ERIC The office isn't open today? SYLVIA The office is never open. Everybody knows that. ERIC I'm not from here.

SYLVIA Obviously. If you're here to rob the place, there's no money. ERIC I'm not here to rob the place. I just got off of a bus after a 2,000 mile ride from home. SYLVIA Why would you travel 2,000 miles to get to a closed newspaper office unless you want to rob it? 16

ERIC Do you know the Porter family? SYLVIA The owners of the Porter Family Molybdenum Mine? Yes, I know them. Who are you, anyway? ERIC I'm Eric White. SYLVIA I'm Sylvia McDoone. My father is Scoop McDoone. He owns the Nextexit Weekly Gazette. ERIC If the newspaper is out of business, why does the phone work? SYLVIA (annoyed) I didn't say the newspaper is out of business. We have the press at our home, so dad works there and never opens the office. ERIC Then why have an office?

SYLVIA Well, it wouldn't be much of a newspaper if there was no office, now would it? ERIC I suppose not. How do you get to the Porter place? SYLVIA You go out east on Smith Road three miles past the Milton farm and then north four miles till you come to where Herman Smith used to have his fruit stand... 17

ERIC (interrupting Sylvia) Could I use the phone? SYLVIA No. This isn't a public phone. ERIC (as he departs) Well thanks for nothing. EXT. MEL'S MEAT MART - DAY MEL, about 50, wearing a white apron, is in front of his store holding a broom as he talks to Eric. MEL Sure I know the Porters. I'm about to make a delivery there. I'll take you. Wait right here. Mel goes into his store. Sylvia walks rapidly up to Eric, shouting his name as she approaches. SYLVIA Eric, Eric. ERIC What do you want, Sylvia?

SYLVIA Eric, I'm sorry I was rude to you. You can use the phone if you want. ERIC Thanks, but I'm getting a ride out there with a meat delivery. SYLVIA Why are you going to the Porters? ERIC When I said I was going to California, my parents remembered that the Porter family agreed to take me in a long time ago. 18

SYLVIA Why did you come to California? ERIC To find a talent agent who will make me a famous harmonica player of classical music. (pause) Pretty silly, huh? SYLVIA Not the part about wanting to be a famous harmonica player, but you're in northern California, 600 miles from any Hollywood talent agents. ERIC Yeah, I know. But my parents insisted I get a bus ticket here so I'd have a place to stay. I spent my own money for the ticket so I'm broke and hundreds of miles from where I want to be. I figure I'll earn money at the molybdenum mine or somewhere else so I can afford to go to Los Angeles and become famous. I know it's really stupid coming here but I don't

think my dream of becoming a famous harmonica player is stupid. Everybody else does. SYLVIA I don't. I used to have a dream of becoming a famous classical musician but dad convinced me to give it up. ERIC What instrument do you play? SYLVIA The tambourine.

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ERIC Oh. (pause) How does your mother feel about your dream of becoming a classical tambourine player? SYLVIA My mother is no longer with us. ERIC Oh, I'm sorry. SYLVIA It's OK. It happened when I was a baby. I can't say exactly what it was that happened. She either died or ran off with somebody. Dad is rather vague on the details. So you spent all the money you had on a bus ticket? ERIC Well, mostly I spent my money on a demo CD that I sent to a bunch of talent agents.

INT. STERLING TALENT AGENCY - DAY An attractive secretary, TASHA KRAPPENKLUTZ, about 30, wearing a business style pants suit, is seated at her desk, listening to harmonica music on a CD player. MISTER STERLING (as is explained later, his given name is Mister), about 50, comes through the door from his inner office. STERLING What is that, Tasha? TASHA A demo CD from a harmonica player who wants us to represent him. STERLING Is that classical music?

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TASHA It's the 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky. Sterling turns the CD player off. STERLING We don't represent harmonica players and if we did, it wouldn't be harmonica players who play classical music. Don't you have vacuuming or dusting to do? TASHA Mr. Sterling, most offices have the building janitorial staff do that, not their secretaries. STERLING We get $100 a month off our rent for doing our own cleaning, but if it's that important to you, we can have the building janitors do it.

TASHA Thank you, Mister Sterling. STERLING You're welcome, Tasha. Do you want me to deduct the $100 a month from your pay or do you want to pay for the service directly? TASHA Forget the whole thing, Mr. Sterling. I'll do the cleaning. EXT. PORTER DRIVEWAY - DAY A three-axle truck with Mel's Meat Mart painted on the side is pulling away. Eric is next to JUNIOR PORTER, in his early 20s. Junior is behind a wheelbarrow that is piled with a mound of white packages. Junior waves with enthusiasm at the departing truck, then starts to move the wheelbarrow toward the house. 21

JUNIOR They're all going to be surprised to see you. ERIC I thought mom called ahead. JUNIOR Yeah, she did, but I forgot to tell everybody else you were coming. INT. PORTER LIVING ROOM - A MOMENT LATER Junior enters the living room, pushing the wheelbarrow, followed by Eric. Ma Porter, and SIS PORTER, in her early 20s, are sitting on a broken down couch watching a TV infomercial for an amazingly versatile food processor. Sis is shucking ears of corn from a large pile and putting the ears into a tub. Ma is peeling potatoes from a large pile and putting them into another tub. Pa Porter, and GRAMPS PORTER, about 60, are arm wrestling at a table and eating sub sandwiches. They continue to arm wrestle through the scene. All the Porters weigh between 300 and 400 pounds. Junior sets the wheelbarrow down.

JUNIOR Pa, Ma, Gramps, Sis, this here is Eric White. He came from town with Mel on the meat truck. He says we agreed to adopt him. MA Land sakes! That was a long time ago. We done gave up on that idea. Gramps takes a bite of sandwich and says something incomprehensible. Food falls from his mouth as he speaks. PA You can say that again, Gramps. He sure is scrawny. Gramps takes another bite of sandwich and says something else incomprehensible.

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PA Course not. A scrawny thing like that wouldn't be no use in the mine. Junior, go tell Mel to take him back to town. JUNIOR Too late. Mel’s gone. MA Land sakes, can't we give the poor scrawny thing a decent meal? He can go back tomorrow. INT. PORTERS' DINING ROOM – LATER CLOSE on Eric sitting at the table. Sis sets a large bowl of mashed potatoes by his plate. SIS I hope you like mashed potatoes. ERIC

I sure do. Thanks. Eric puts mashed potatoes on his plate. He starts to pass the bowl but then sees they all have their own bowls. Pa, Gramps and Junior are eating directly from their bowls. Sis sits down and begins eating from her bowl. Ma enters with a platter of roasted chickens. Gramps says something incomprehensible through a mouth full of mashed potatoes as Ma puts a chicken on each plate. PA Now Gramps, the boy can't help being scrawny. It's his bone structure and metabolism. It's like the Porter bone structure and metabolism makes us a bit stocky. MA Land sakes! That's sure enough true. You can't blame the boy cause he don't have enough bone structure and metabolism. 23

EXT. PORTER DRIVEWAY - DAY Mel's truck pulls away as the Porters watch, standing next to a wheelbarrow piled with white packages. The Porters wave, except for Gramps, who gnaws at a large ham he holds in both hands. INT. TRUCK CAB - CONTINUOUS Mel drives. Eric is on the passenger side. MEL Too bad things didn't work out between you and the Porters. I suppose they at least fed you well. ERIC I ate too much last night and got sick. My stomach was too upset this morning to eat a turnip and cow brain omelet. Now I'm famished.

MEL What do you plan on doing now? ERIC I guess I need to look for work. MEL What have you done? ERIC Food service work. MEL My next stop is at Chuck's Chicken. You can try there. INT. CHUCK'S CHICKEN MANAGER'S OFFICE - LATER Eric is seated in front of a desk where the MANAGER, about 40, is seated, wearing a black and pink uniform and rooster-head hat. The manager looks at a computer, with concentration and a bit of disdain. 24

MANAGER Oh, it looks like a deep and festering wound firing, due to the ripping open of one. ERIC That was a misunderstanding. MANAGER That's not something we tolerate at Chuck's Chicken. Maybe you can try across the street at Piggy's Pork Palace. They're less picky about who they hire. INT. PIGGY'S - LATER ABNER, about 50, the manager, wearing a uniform of lavender and green with a pig head hat, is behind the counter facing Eric. The menu board has Oinker Supreme Basket as the only item.

ABNER No, we have no openings now. Would you care to order an oinker supreme basket? If your ticket has a green pig on it, you get the meal free. That's the prize in our Piggy's Pork Palace contest. ERIC I don't have any money. Can you give me any work at all, even just for today? ABNER If you're willing to work for food, I have a job you can do for an oinker supreme basket. EXT. BEHIND PIGGY'S - A MOMENT LATER Abner and Eric stand by a mound of trash, Eric holding an empty bag.

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ABNER I have a side business raising ferrets. I save trash for weeks and have somebody get bits of meat that are thrown away. Don't worry about it being rancid or full of maggots. The ferrets love it all. INT. PIGGY'S - LATER Eric enters, looking ill. Abner is behind the counter. ABNER All done? OK that's one oinker supreme basket and if you get a green pig on your ticket, I'll even give you the price of the meal. ERIC

That would be good. Abner rings up the order and looks at the ticket. ABNER Oh, too bad. You didn't get a green pig. As a matter of fact, you got a red pig on your ticket. ERIC What does that mean? ABNER It means you pay for your order but you don't get it. It's part of the Piggy's Pork Palace contest. ERIC What kind of contest is that? ABNER What kind of contest would it be if we just gave away meals without any chance to get even? That wouldn't be fair, would it? 26

SHERIFF LOCKLEY, about 50, wearing a tan uniform and reflective aviator sunglasses, walks up behind Eric. SHERIFF Abner, I'll have an oinker supreme basket. ABNER Sure thing, Sheriff Lockley. ERIC Sheriff, this man is cheating me. ABNER Sheriff, you sure are lucky. You got another green pig again today. Abner hands the sheriff a paper sack and beverage.

ABNER Say, Sheriff, isn't there some kind of law against vagrants in this town? INT. SHERIFF'S CAR - LATER The sheriff is driving. Eric is in back, handcuffed. ERIC How long will you keep me in jail? SHERIFF Until you have money and are no longer a vagrant. ERIC Do I get paid in jail? SHERIFF Hell no! You're damned lucky to get fed! ERIC Then how do I get the money to not be a vagrant? 27

SHERIFF Well, uh... The sheriff thinks a moment with a pained expression of confusion. EXT. COUNTY LANDFILL - DAY The sheriff is talking to GUS, about 50, the landfill supervisor. Gus is wearing coveralls, dotted with pieces of food. Eric is standing beside the sheriff, no longer wearing handcuffs. SHERIFF So, I got to thinking that unless I can find this boy a job, he'll remain a vagrant and he'll have to stay in jail eating food that the

county pays for. GUS So, what do you expect me to do about it? SHERIFF He has experience with trash. GUS What kind of experience? SHERIFF Abner said the boy did fair at sorting trash to get meat for Abner's ferrets. GUS That ain't much use here at the county landfill. Boy, you ever operated a bulldozer? ERIC No. GUS I didn't think so. Maybe Mayor Horn has work for him. 28

EXT. TOWN PARK - LATER The sheriff's car is parked at the town park. The sheriff holds open a back door and Eric gets out. They walk away from the vehicle as they talk. SHERIFF Don't even think about running off, boy. ERIC No sir. I won't. SHERIFF Be polite and don't spit or cuss or pick your nose.

ERIC No sir, I won't do any of that sort of thing. The sheriff and Eric stop and look in front of them. SHERIFF Mayor Horn is giving a speech today to the Ladies Society for Decency and Sanitation. ERIC Not much of a crowd. SHERIFF Only about half of the Ladies Society members are here. That's Scoop McDoone, owner and editor of the Nextexit Weekly Gazette. MAYOR HORN, about 60, wearing an old fashioned suit and top hat, and the MAYOR'S AIDE, about 30, a woman in a brown dress suit, are on a bandstand with an American flag behind them. They face 50 folding chairs and three people, widely spaced apart. There are TWO ELDERLY WOMEN, about 70, and SCOOP MCDOONE, about 40. Scoop wears an ill-fitting dark suit and writes on a notepad.

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MAYOR And as the mayor of Nextexit, I feel it incumbent upon myself to pledge to my loyal constituency that all assets of our municipality will be dedicated to restoring the customary ample capacity of our wastewater treatment infrastructure and we will do so with the alacrity as befits an undertaking of such momentous urgency. AIDE We'll get the sewer fixed as soon as possible.

MAYOR As always, I'm immensely gratified at the wealth of civic mindedness displayed by those of you who invest precious portions of your daily agendas to remain informed about matters that have an impact on the community of Nextexit. AIDE Thanks for coming, everybody. The women leave. Scoop goes up closer to the bandstand and takes photos with a digital camera. The mayor positions himself directly in front of the flag. He does not look down at the camera but slightly upward, his jaw thrust forward. Scoop finishes, puts the camera in a pocket and takes his notebook and pen out again. SCOOP Mayor, may I ask a question about the sewer project? AIDE Would the illustrious mayor enlighten me on an aspect regarding the city's current undertaking on behalf of the waste disposal needs of the citizens of Nextexit? 30

MAYOR I will eagerly abet your efforts with whatever resources are at my disposal. AIDE What is it, Scoop? SCOOP Isn't it a conflict of interest to have your own company do the project without going to bid? AIDE Could those ignorant of your

honor's flawless reputation for integrity misinterpret your direct involvement in restoring service to the citizenry as something other than the selfless and generous act that it truly is? MAYOR Mr. McDoone, since you are the proprietor of a thriving establishment and a representative of the fourth estate, an awesome responsibility befalls you, requiring you to keep in perspective what serves the collective interest of not only your own enterprise but also mutually supporting enterprises. AIDE Back off Scoop, if you want to keep your biggest ad account. SCOOP OK, got it. AIDE Your eloquent appeal to my civic minded spirit is highly persuasive.

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The mayor and aide come down from the bandstand and are greeted by the sheriff. SHERIFF Hi mayor. AIDE Mayor, it is always a pleasure to encounter his honor and engage in discourse with an illustrious public servant. MAYOR

And it is always gratifying to greet our region's preeminent law enforcement officer. AIDE Hi sheriff. SHERIFF Could you give this kid a job? AIDE Would employment of this youth serve any of the myriad and diverse functions of our municipality? MAYOR While the employment of youthful applicants remains a priority, budgetary limitations impede our capabilities in that regard. AIDE No. MAYOR Regrettably, I must terminate this affable interlude to attend to mundane duties. AIDE Good-bye, sheriff. 32

SHERIFF Good-bye, mayor. The mayor and the aide walk off as Scoop walks up to the sheriff and Eric. SCOOP Sheriff, this kid doesn't need to actually get paid does he? I could use a lackey. SHERIFF

He needs to eat and a place to stay. SCOOP He could stay in the shed in back of my house and I'd give him a can of beans a couple of times a day. SHERIFF That would be fine. ERIC Well actually, I was hoping... SHERIFF Quiet, Eric. This is a good deal for you. Scoop, if he doesn’t work out, I'll take him to jail. INT./EXT. SHED - DAY Scoop and Eric are standing in the doorway of a shed crowded with junk. SCOOP Just clear a space in here. There's a lawn chair you can sleep in. You can use a tarp for a blanket. I'll set some poison out for the rats. ERIC Rats?

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INT. NEWSPAPER PRESS ROOM - LATER Scoop and Eric look at an antique press. SCOOP It's convenient having the press here at home. This is an Excelsior 500, quite an improvement over the presses from the days of Gutenberg.

ERIC I'm sure it is. SCOOP The plates we use to print the newspaper are engraved by a program in the computer over here where I paginate. Scoop brings Eric to a desk with a bulky, outdatedlooking computer. A straight back chair is in front of the desk. SCOOP This is an Excelsior 600, completely solid state. It has no vacuum tubes at all. ERIC That's impressive. SCOOP Have a seat. Eric sits in the chair as Scoop takes a memory card from the digital camera. SCOOP We print an issue of the Nextexit Weekly Gazette every week except when I'm on vacation, or the press breaks down or the weather is bad. Scoop hands Eric a memory card.

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SCOOP Here, put this in the card reader. ERIC It says incompatible photo card, do you want to format? SCOOP

That's just a glitch. Click on no. If you click on yes, the photos will be erased. Never ever do that! ERIC That would be bad? SCOOP Very bad. It doesn't matter what else we have in the paper as long as we have a good picture on the front page. Now click on the cropping tool. Put the cursor just above and to the left of the mayor's hat. Good, now click the mouse and hold it down while you move the cursor down and right to outline the portion of the picture we will keep for the paper. ERIC Like this? SCOOP More to the right. We need to keep the flag in. Good. The American flag is one of five things that make a photo great. ERIC What are the other four? SCOOP A child, an animal, a burning building, and a young woman in a bikini. My life's dream is a photo with all five elements. 35

Eric chuckles. SCOOP Did I say something funny? ERIC (With serious expression)

No sir. Sylvia enters. SYLVIA Hi, Eric. ERIC Hi, Sylvia. SCOOP You two know each other? SYLVIA Yes. He walked into the newspaper office yesterday. SCOOP He walked right in? Were you going to rob the place, boy? ERIC No. I didn't know the newspaper office was closed. SCOOP The newspaper office is always closed. Everybody knows that. SYLVIA He said he just got off the bus after traveling 2,000 miles. SCOOP Why would anyone travel 2,000 miles to go into a closed newspaper office unless they plan on robbing it? 36

ERIC I didn't come to rob anything. I came to California to become a famous harmonica player. SCOOP

You're not very bright, are you boy? SYLVIA Dad, he's probably a real good harmonica player. SCOOP That doesn't prove that the boy has any brains. He might be one of those savant people who can play beautiful music but can't master the rules of tic tac toe. SYLVIA Oh, that explains a lot. ERIC It doesn't explain anything. The term you're looking for is idiot savant and I'm not one of those. SYLVIA Don't get upset, Eric. We won't make fun of you. SCOOP Well, maybe just a little. Scoop starts laughing. Sylvia refrains from laughing but is obviously amused. SYLVIA Oh dad, you're terrible. Where will Eric sleep? SCOOP In the shed.

37

SYLVIA With the rats? SCOOP We'll put out poison. Take him to

the kitchen and get him some rat poison. SYLVIA Sure dad. INT. KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER Sylvia opens a cupboard full of yellow boxes. Each box has a black silhouette of a rat on its back with its legs in the air. She reaches in to get one. SYLVIA (Handing Eric a box) I'd prefer having a sister but having a brother is OK. You living in the shed will be kind of like having a poor, pathetic stepbrother, like in some sad children's story. It'll be fun. EXT. OUTSIDE DECK - DAY Sylvia is in a lawn chair next to a patio table wearing a one-piece swimsuit and sunglasses. She is polishing her toenails and talking on a cellphone. Eric is on his hands and knees cleaning the deck with a scrub brush. SYLVIA Oh, Myrna, no! Not Stan Clatter! He's so gross! Excuse me a minute, Myrna. Boy! Oh boy! Sylvia snaps her fingers and nearly shouts at Eric. SYLVIA You, boy! ERIC What is it, your highness?

38

SYLVIA Get me a Coke and glass of ice.

Eric goes into the kitchen. SYLVIA I'm back. I just had to tell dad's lackey to do something. (pause) No, he can understand most things if you tell him slowly. (pause) No, I'm not worried at all. He's perfectly harmless. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Eric has a glass of ice and a Coke. He spits in the glass. EXT. DECK – A MOMENT LATER Eric sets the Coke and ice on the patio table and stares at Sylvia. Sylvia makes impatient movements with her hands, indicating that Eric should pour the Coke into the glass. Eric does so. SYLVIA No. He’s not exactly ugly but geez Myrna, you aren't supposed to think about that kind of boy in that way. Sylvia takes a sip of Coke, looking at Eric who is staring at her. She points at the deck impatiently and makes a motion as if using a brush. Eric returns to scrubbing the deck. SYLVIA Well I'm sure he has medicine to control urges or maybe he's had an operation. It's not something we talk about, for heaven's sake! Scoop comes through the door to the deck.

39

SCOOP Boy, go to Doppledee's Deli and get me roast beef and cheddar on marbled rye with mustard, dill pickles, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, lettuce and a side of cole slaw. Make sure they trim the fat off the roast beef. SYLVIA I'd like ham, American cheese, cucumbers and lettuce on sourdough with potato salad. No mustard, something different but nothing too spicy or sweet. SCOOP And make sure mine has yellow mustard. Sometimes they try to use that gray stuff. Get Eva to make the sandwich. SYLVIA I want regular potato salad, not the German kind. If it smells bad get me a lettuce salad with Italian dressing, instead. Make sure the lettuce is fresh. SCOOP If you can't get Eva, then get Isabella. If neither of them is working, just forget the roast beef and mustard. I'll have bologna with mayonnaise, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers and Swiss cheese on whole wheat bread, but only if Eva and Isabella are both off. Scoop hands Eric a $50 bill. SCOOP Bring back all the change. Eric departs.

40

SYLVIA Do you think we should have written everything down? SCOOP I know the boy is slow but even a moron should be able to remember two sandwiches and two salads. INT. SCOOP'S OFFICE - LATER Eric enters and sets the sack down on the desk where Scoop is seated. He brings out a wrapped sandwich and a Styrofoam container. ERIC Here's your sandwich, your cole slaw and your change. Eric puts change on the desk. Scoop scowls. SCOOP Hey, what are you trying to pull here, boy? I gave you a $50 bill. Where's the rest of my change? ERIC That's all of the change, Mr. McDoone. Honest. SCOOP I know how much two sandwiches and two side salads cost at the deli. ERIC I also bought myself a sandwich and a bag of chips. I didn't think you'd mind. SCOOP (Outraged) You what? ERIC It was just a salami sandwich and a

small bag of chips. 41

SCOOP (Shouting) How do you expect me to afford to buy you beans when you spend all my money on salami sandwiches and chips? Take your sandwich and chips back to the deli right now! ERIC I can't. I already ate them. SCOOP That's all you'll have to eat for the next couple of days, you halfwit! Now take Sylvia her food! EXT. DECK - A MOMENT LATER Sylvia is talking on the phone. Eric sets her food on the table and looks at her. She impatiently motions for him to scrub the deck. He starts scrubbing the deck. SYLVIA I'll call back, Myrna. The boy is back with my food. Sylvia takes a bite of her sandwich and makes a sour face. SYLVIA Oh my gosh! What did they put in this sandwich? Eric stops scrubbing and sits back on his knees. ERIC Garlic butter. You said you wanted something different than mustard. SYLVIA Well, I certainly didn't say I wanted garlic butter. ERIC

You didn't say what you wanted.

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SYLVIA So, you're not even going to apologize? You're just going to give me back talk? ERIC I'm sorry, Sylvia, for having them put garlic butter on your sandwich and for what I did earlier to your glass of ice. SYLVIA What did you do to my glass of ice? ERIC I accidentally drooled into it. SYLVIA (Horrified) What? ERIC You know what kind of boy I am. I can't help drooling. Maybe I could take some medicine to stop or maybe I could get an operation. Eric resumes scrubbing the deck. INT. SHED - NIGHT Eric is sleeping on a lawn chair, covered by a piece of canvas, his head resting on a stuffed plastic bag. INT. ADOPTION AGENCY - DREAM SCENE An ADOPTION AGENT, about 30, wearing a dark suit and black tie, is behind a counter as he speaks and the scene slowly zooms in. AGENT

Welcome to the Bright and Shiny Adoption Agency and Donut Shop. How may I be of service?

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Mr. and Mrs. Customer are seen at the counter. MR. CUSTOMER Two cups of French roast, please. The agent brings two cups from under the counter and sets them on the counter. AGENT Very well. Would either of you care for some fresh and delicious pastry? The agent brings a pot of coffee from beneath the counter and begins pouring. MR. CUSTOMER I'd like a glazed donut. MRS. CUSTOMER I'd like a cream-filled long John. AGENT Certainly MR. CUSTOMER And do you have any male infants? The agent puts the coffee pot back under the counter and brings up small plates, one with a long John and one with a donut. He sets them in front of Mr. and Mrs. Customer. AGENT Sorry. We have no infants in stock and the waiting list is long. MRS. CUSTOMER How unfortunate.

AGENT We do have an older child I'd like to show you. MRS. CUSTOMER I don't think so. 44

AGENT Oh, please, just have a look. Right this way. The agent walks from behind the counter and past shelves of books. Mr. and Mrs. Customer follow, carrying their coffee and pastry. AGENT I recently acquired a sharp looking male in good condition who just turned 16. They stand in front of Eric who is seated in a chair with a cardboard sign hanging from his neck that says, "Will accept reasonable offer." AGENT He has no known parasites and his teeth are good. Let me show you his teeth. The agent moves his hands to Eric's mouth. Eric pushes them away. ERIC Hey! Leave me alone! MRS. CUSTOMER (Shock registering) Oh my! It's that horrible boy! MR. CUSTOMER Yes it is, the boy who opened a deep and festering wound! AGENT He opened a deep and festering

wound? Mrs. Customer falls into her husband's arms, sobbing. MRS. CUSTOMER Darling! Take me away from this dreadful boy!

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CLOSE on Mr. Customer whose face transforms into the face of a rat as he speaks. MR. CUSTOMER See what you've done. You enjoy tormenting people, don't you boy? INT. SHED – DREAM SCENE ENDS Eric's eyes are open wide and he is staring at a rat on his chest that is staring back. Eric bolts up out of the lawn chair. ERIC Damn! Eric picks up his shoe and throws it at the retreating rat. There is a knock on the door. Eric turns on the trouble light that hangs from the shed ceiling. ERIC Who is it? SYLVIA (Entering with a can of beans) It's me. ERIC What do you want? SYLVIA I got to thinking that you only ate a sandwich and a bag of chips today. That's not enough for someone who works as hard as you. So I brought a can of beans.

ERIC (Neutral tone) How thoughtful. SYLVIA I also got to thinking that some things you might have heard me say to Myrna this afternoon were kind of, well, thoughtless. 46

They look at each other silently for a minute. SYLVIA You were just kidding about accidentally drooling into my glass of ice, weren't you? ERIC Of course. I didn't do anything accidentally to your ice. SYLVIA (Relieved) Thank goodness. (handing Eric the can of beans) So, how do you like it out here? ERIC I hate it. That rat poison doesn't kill rats. Damn, I hate rats! SYLVIA The poison probably makes the rats really sick. ERIC What good does that do? SYLVIA Well, you said you hate rats. It must give you some satisfaction to know that the rats get really sick. ERIC Oddly enough, I get no satisfaction

from rats getting sick. SYLVIA Haven't you been playing your harmonica out here? ERIC No, I haven't been playing the harmonica. What does that have to do with anything? 47

SYLVIA I read somewhere that harmonica music drives away rats. Well, I'll let you eat your beans. EXT. OUTSIDE OF SHED - A MOMENT LATER Sylvia is walking away from the shed. She turns to look back when she hears blues played on the harmonica. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY Eric is seated, holding a phone to his ear. ERIC This is Eric White. Is Mr. Sterling available? (pause) Well, I was wondering whether he had a chance to listen to my demo CD? (pause) Well, thanks anyway. Eric, disconnects and then starts dialing another number while glancing at an open notebook. INT. STERLING TALENT AGENCY – CONTINUOUS Tasha, standing next to the desk, hangs up to the phone. She goes to a copying machine opened up for repairs. Tasha picks up a screw driver and begins repairing the copier. Sterling is at the door to his inner office.

STERLING Who was on the phone? TASHA That classical harmonica player. He'll probably call back. Maybe you should talk to him when he does. STERLING No, you can handle it. When will you have that copier repaired. 48

TASHA I don't know. Maybe a professional technician could do a quicker job. STERLING Maybe, but you can't afford that, can you? TASHA No, I can't. INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS Eric is talking on the phone. Sylvia walks into the room. ERIC Be sure and ask Mr. Tallman to listen to the CD. Thank you. Eric disconnects while looking at the notebook. SYLVIA What are you doing? ERIC (startled) Oh, hi Sylvia. SYLVIA You better not be making long distance calls.

ERIC Of course they're long distance. But don't worry, your dad can deduct it from my pay. SYLVIA He doesn't pay you anything. ERIC Oh, that's right. I forgot. SYLVIA Dad is going to freak out. 49

ERIC I shouldn't be telling you this but I'll be gone by time the phone bill arrives. I'm going to Los Angeles to pursue my career. SYLVIA How will you get there? ERIC I guess I'll have to hitchhike. SYLVIA No, don't do that! I'll arrange something for you. Maybe I could go with you and become a famous tambourine player. ERIC Really? SYLVIA Well, maybe. Just don't go hitchhiking. That's dangerous. ERIC I didn't know you cared about me, Sylvia. SYLVIA Of course I care about you.

ERIC Like a poor, pathetic stepbrother in some sad children's story? SYLVIA Right. MONTAGE A montage of scenes has blues harmonica music in the background. Scenes include Eric inking press plates, Eric scrubbing a toilet, Eric stacking bundles of papers, Eric working at a computer terminal. 50

EXT. DECK – DAY Sylvia is in a patio chair talking on the phone. Eric is eating a can of beans, watching her with an expression of longing. EXT. PARK – DAY Scoop and two elderly ladies are seated among folding chairs, listening to the mayor give a speech from the bandstand, assisted by his aide. A siren is heard. Scoop stands and turns around. He sees SPARKY, about 80, wearing fire department turnout gear, wheeling by in a wheelchair with a fire ax on his lap. SCOOP Sparky, what's up? SPARKY There's a fire at the Nextexit Tanning Salon, Day Care Center and Veterinary Clinic. Scoop runs in the direction Sparky is headed, leaving the slower moving man behind. The scene goes to slow motion with Chariots of Fire playing as background music. EXT. BURNING BUILDING - CONTINUOUS A WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, is coming out of a building carrying a THREE-YEAR-OLD GIRL in one arm and a white rabbit in the other arm. The scene is still in slow

motion with Chariots of Fire playing in the background. The scene cuts to Scoop who has arrived at the burning building. His mouth opens wide in amazement. He gets a digital camera from his pocket and puts it to his face. The scene cuts back to the woman in a bikini who stands in place in front of the burning building, holding the young girl and rabbit. The woman shakes her head, her long hair flowing outward in slow motion. INT. PRESS ROOM - ABOUT THAT TIME Eric is mopping the press room floor. Sylvia, in a cheerful mood, enters carrying a full grocery sack. She sets the sack on the computer desk. 51

SYLVIA (Friendly) Hi Eric. ERIC (Not friendly) Hi. SYLVIA Say, Eric, You'll never guess what I got at the store. ERIC No. I never will. Sylvia pulls out a can from the sack. SYLVIA I talked dad into letting me buy the expensive beans, the kind with real pieces of pork fat in it. ERIC (Sarcastic) Wonderful. SYLVIA Eric, what's wrong with you? ERIC

The same thing that's always wrong. SYLVIA You know I'm going to summer camp tomorrow, don't you? I thought we could have a friendly farewell. ERIC Why? We're not friends. Why would we want to pretend like we are? SYLVIA (Angry) I try to do something nice for you and this is how you act! For all I care, you can eat the cheap beans! 52

ERIC You want to do something nice for me? How about helping me get to Los Angeles like you promised, maybe even go with me? SYLVIA Wait until I'm back from camp and we'll figure something out. ERIC No, I won't be here. You think I'm going to wait around for you because you're so beautiful. SYLVIA You think I'm beautiful? ERIC Of course you're beautiful. But you're also selfish and cruel. SYLVIA How can you say I'm selfish and cruel when I get you the expensive beans with real pieces of pork fat? Sylvia stares at Eric for a moment, apparently waiting for an answer.

ERIC Are you actually expecting an answer to that question? SYLVIA Oh, never mind. I suppose since you're so damned good looking you think you're above working for my father and me. ERIC Everybody is above being treated like a slave. Just take your precious beans and go to your precious girl's camp. 53

Sylvia stomps off, carrying a can of beans with her but leaving the sack behind. ERIC (speaking as Sylvia departs, probably unheard by Sylvia) You think I'm good looking? Eric picks up a can from the sack and holds it with both hands. He looks at it appreciatively and then looks at the door that Sylvia went through for a long moment. He goes toward the door as Scoop enters another door. SCOOP (Excited) Eric, I did it, I got a photo of four of the five things, everything but an American flag! ERIC That's great Mr. McDoone. Excuse me, I have to go talk to Sylvia. SCOOP Later. Get these images into the computer while I ink the press. Scoop takes a card from his camera and hands it to Eric.

Eric goes to the computer. Scoop goes to the press and starts pouring ink from a jug into a tank while he talks excitedly and gestures animatedly. SCOOP I really never expected to get five, or even four of the elements in one photo. This is the greatest photo of my life! ERIC Mr. McDoone, what would happen if I accidentally clicked on yes for the "Do you want to format?" question? SCOOP Don't even joke about that! 54

They are both silent a moment. CLOSE on Scoop's face, as his eyes grow wide. CLOSE on Eric's terrified face. INT. SYLVIA'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER Sylvia is angrily packing clothes in a suitcase. The door opens. Eric hurriedly steps in and closes the door. SYLVIA (Angry) What are you doing in here? ERIC Sylvia, you've got to help me! Your father has gone crazy! SCOOP (Shouting outside the door) Boy! I'll find you, you incompetent moron! Eric goes under the bed. The door swings open and Scoop enters, red-faced with a bit of foam around his mouth and carrying a baseball bat. SYLVIA Dad, what are you doing with that baseball bat?

SCOOP Have you seen him? SYLVIA Seen who? SCOOP The worthless imbecile! SYLVIA Oh, the worthless imbecile. Why no, of course not. Why would I see him? Sylvia looks down at the floor by the bed and raises her voice slightly.

55

SYLVIA After all, we're not friends, are we? SCOOP Is he under the bed? Scoop steps toward the bed. Sylvia steps in front of him. SYLVIA Dad, no! Oh, did you hear that? SCOOP Hear what? SYLVIA That loud noise. It sounded like it came from the shed. SCOOP (Looking toward the door) I didn't hear anything. SYLVIA It was real loud. It definitely came from the shed. Scoop leaves the room. Eric comes out from under the bed.

Sylvia goes to a dresser and opens a drawer. ERIC Thanks, Sylvia. Sylvia gets a wig from the dresser drawer and brings it to Eric. SYLVIA This wig was my mother's. Sylvia puts the wig on Eric. ERIC What's this for? SYLVIA It's a disguise. 56

INT. SYLVIA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Eric is wearing a wig and a dress. Sylvia is putting lipstick on him. The door opens and Scoop, still carrying a baseball bat, enters. SYLVIA Dad! Can't you knock before barging in? SCOOP Sorry. Have you seen the worthless imbecile? SYLVIA No. Dad, this is Erica Black. She is going with me to Camp Pandora tomorrow. SCOOP Hello, Erica. ERIC (In high pitched voice) Hello, Mr. McDoone. SCOOP

Have we met? ERIC No sir, never. SCOOP You look familiar. ERIC No, I'm sure we’ve never met. INT. BUS - DAY Sylvia and Eric are sitting next to each other on a bus. Eric wears a wig, blouse and skirt. SYLVIA You don't look bad as a girl. 57

ERIC I have a hard time taking that as a compliment. SYLVIA It was meant as a compliment. That's a great disguise except for your underpants. I don't know why you wouldn't wear a pair of my panties. ERIC Nobody is going to see my underwear. Why would I wear your panties? SYLVIA To get into the part, Erica. ERIC I'm not Erica. I'm not getting into the part. As soon as I can, I'm changing into my old clothes. SYLVIA No, you can't stay at Camp Pandora

in those clothes. ERIC I have no intention of staying at Camp Pandora. SYLVIA Oh, you have to. It'll be so fun. There'll be canoeing and volleyball and singing around campfires and a bunch of stuff. ERIC Sounds fun but it wouldn't work for obvious reasons. SYLVIA We can be roommates. We stay in cottages, two girls to a cottage. At least take a look.

58

ERIC I probably won't get a chance to change before we get there so I'll have to see the place. SYLVIA Oh, Erica! You won't regret it! Sylvia kisses Eric on the cheek. She sits back smiling and looking out the window. Eric gently touches his cheek and then looks at Sylvia, longingly. EXT. CAMP PANDORA - LATER Eric, Sylvia and other girls come off the bus. DAPHNE, age 16, and COURTNEY, age 16, are waiting outside. DAPHNE (Excited) Sylvia! COURTNEY (Excited)

Sylvia! SYLVIA (Excited) Daphne, Courtney! Sylvia and Daphne hug and then Sylvia and Courtney hug. DAPHNE Ready for a fun summer? SYLVIA I sure am. Daphne, Courtney I'd like you to meet my friend, Erica. Eric shakes hands with Daphne and Courtney. They exchange "Pleased to meet you" greetings SYLVIA Erica is wearing boy's underpants. DAPHNE Really? 59

COURTNEY No kidding? ERIC Well, uh, actually uh... SYLVIA We better check in before all the good cottages are taken. We'll see you girls later. COURTNEY Sure. DAPHNE Bye. Sylvia and Eric walk away from Daphne and Courtney. Eric talks in an angry whisper. ERIC Why did you have to tell the girls

that about me? SYLVIA If you're ashamed of wearing boy's underpants, then don't do it. ERIC I'm not ashamed of it! I just don't want... Oh for Pete's sake! I'll just get out of here as soon as I can get my clothes changed. SYLVIA You can't leave now. It's late and I'm sure you'll feel differently about it in the morning. INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - NIGHT The cottage interior has two twin beds and two desks. There is a door to a bathroom. Daphne, Courtney and Sylvia are sitting on the beds. Eric is in one of the chairs, staying apart from the animated conversation. 60

DAPHNE Anyway, Lennie is totally cute but like so totally juvenile! COURTNEY Of course. All boys are immature. It's just the way they are. SYLVIA That's the truth. COURTNEY Erica, don't you agree? ERIC Agree with what? COURTNEY That all boys are immature. ERIC

No, I don't think so. Boys are certainly smarter than girls. DAPHNE You can't be serious! ERIC Sure I am. Things were better in the olden days when women didn't have to worry about stuff like voting and making important decisions. Just thinking about all that makes my head spin. There is a knock at the door and the door opens slightly. A female COUNSELOR, about 25, sticks her head in the door. COUNSELOR Girls, curfew in five minutes. EXT. OUTSIDE OF COTTAGE - A MOMENT LATER Daphne and Courtney are leaving. Sylvia goes to the door.

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SYLVIA Good night girls. See you tomorrow. Daphne grabs Sylvia's arm, pulling her outside. Courtney closes the door behind Sylvia. DAPHNE You realize, don't you, that your roommate is so like totally weird? COURTNEY Like totally. SYLVIA I know but it's not her fault. The social services people recently rescued her from her cruel parents. COURTNEY

What did her parents do to her? SYLVIA They made her act like a boy. DAPHNE How awful! SYLVIA Yes, she still likes to pee standing up. INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - LATER Eric is sitting on his bed. Sylvia is coming out of the bathroom wearing a nightgown. SYLVIA The bathroom is all yours. Sylvia gets a nightgown from her open suitcase. SYLVIA This will look good on you. It highlights your eye color.

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ERIC What a relief to have something to highlight my eye color. SYLVIA Now Erica, stop it! ERIC Stop what? Sylvia sits on her bed, facing Eric. SYLVIA This won't work unless you get into your role. ERIC This won't work.

SYLVIA Sure it will. You just need practice. We'll stay up late tonight, talking about fashion and stuff. It’ll be so fun, like two sisters chattering away. Eric angrily throws his wig at the wall. ERIC I'm not your sister! SYLVIA OK! No need to get so huffy! ERIC (Calmer) I'm not your brother either. And I'd like to be more than just your friend. SYLVIA (As she gets into bed) Of course we're more than just friends. We're roomies. Well, we've had a long day. Maybe we should get some sleep. Sylvia turns onto her side, facing away from Eric. 63

SYLVIA Turn off the light, will you? EXT. HORIZON - DAWN A sunrise is seen. INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS Eric, wearing his regular clothes, quietly moves to the door and opens it. SYLVIA Eric. Eric turns to look at Sylvia.

SYLVIA Do you have to go? ERIC Yes. Sylvia, it's time I set out to become a famous harmonica player. (pause) Thanks for not laughing at my dream. Thanks for saving me from your father. Thanks for everything. I'll never forget you, Sylvia. SYLVIA Good luck, Eric. MONTAGE A montage of scenes has blues harmonica music in the background. Eric has his thumb out on a highway. Eric gets a ride. Eric is in the Sterling Talent Agency outer office talking to Tasha. Tasha shakes her head. Similar scenes are shown in four other talent agency offices where secretaries shake their heads. Eric is seated on a park bench playing the harmonica. Someone puts money in a paper cup by Eric. THREE YOUNG MEN, early 20s, with shaved heads, come to Eric and take the paper cup with money and start to walk away. Eric stands and shouts at them. They turn and stare at Eric, then turn and walk away, laughing. Eric sleeps under a bridge. Eric works at a car wash. 64

INT. STERLING'S INNER OFFICE - DAY Sterling is in his office hitting golf balls into a cup with a putter. Tasha enters. TASHA Mr. Sterling, that kid who plays the harmonica is back again. STERLING Again? I don't have time to talk to some kid with a harmonica.

TASHA I can see that but maybe you should take the time to talk to him. He comes back every day. STERLING Tell him to stay away or we'll get a court order against him. Have you got the windows in the outer office washed yet? TASHA Not yet. STERLING Get to it as soon as possible. I don't like idleness. TASHA I know you don't, sir. INT. OUTER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Tasha enters the outer office from Sterling's office. Eric is standing, waiting. TASHA I'm sorry, Eric. He is not going to see you. He says if you come back here again, he'll get a court order against you. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. 65

ERIC Well, thanks anyway, Ms. Krappenklutz. TASHA Good luck, Eric. Eric goes to the door to the hall. Tasha goes to a window, takes a wet cloth from a plastic bucket and begins washing the window. Eric looks back from the doorway, pauses a moment, then stealthily moves to the door to Sterling's office. He slowly and quietly opens

the door, enters and closes the door behind him. Sterling is still putting balls. ERIC Mr. Sterling. STERLING Damn! You made me miss my putt. What the hell are you doing in here? ERIC Please, Mr. Sterling, can you just listen to me play my harmonica just once? STERLING No, can't you see I'm busy? Now get out of here or I'll have you arrested! TASHA'S VOICE OVER INTERCOM Mr. Sterling, your brother is on line one. Sterling picks up the phone. STERLING What is it, Clyde? (pause) No, I represent top notch talent. I don't know anyone who would consider playing at a dive like Clyde's Tap. ERIC I will. 66

STERLING Oh, get this. I've got a kid in my office who plays the harmonica. He plays classical, you know, Beethoven and Bach and stuff like that. (pause) You're kidding. I'll ask him.

(to Eric) Can you play anything besides classical? ERIC Well, I can play blues harmonica but what I really want to ... STERLING Yeah, he can play the blues and if you throw in an extra five bucks, he'll clean the toilets after you close. (pause) All right, I'll send him over. Sterling hangs up the phone. ERIC You won't regret it, Mr. Sterling. STERLING You'll start tonight and most likely end tonight. Remember, none of that classical stuff. Clyde's Tap isn't that kind of place. ERIC What kind of place is it? INT. CLYDE'S TAP - EVENING Eric sits on a stool in a can barely be heard above brawl in progress. A pool are sitting at tables and laughing often. Nobody is who is sitting alone at a Eric. After Eric finishes

corner playing blues. The music the other noises. There's a game is being played. People at the bar, talking loudly and listening to Eric except Tasha table directly in front of a tune Tasha walks up to him. 67

TASHA Eric, you're playing quite well. ERIC Nobody else thinks so. I'm going to play a classical tune.

Tasha looks around the room. TASHA (shrugging her shoulders) Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt. Tasha resumes her seat. Eric addresses the crowd, although Tasha is the only one listening to him. ERIC For my next selection I shall perform the 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky. Eric begins playing. Gradually the other sounds in the bar die down as the people at the bar and tables stop talking and start listening. Eventually, the pool players, the dart players and the brawlers stop what they are doing and walk over to hear and see Eric play. INT. CLYDE'S TAP – ANOTHER NIGHT Eric, now wearing a suit and tie, is playing the 1812 Overture. Sterling and CLYDE, about 45, are at a table at the far end of the bar from where Eric is playing. Eric concludes and receives an enthusiastic round of applause. CLYDE I'm really surprised my customers go for this classical stuff but they love it. I'd like to sign the kid up for another six weeks. STERLING Sorry, Clyde. I'm taking him to Vegas. He'll be the opening act for Percy Hudson, my Liberace impersonator. 63

CLYDE Vegas? You think he's ready? EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A black limousine is going down the highway at night. INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS Tasha is driving. Sterling and Eric are seated in back. STERLING I think you're ready for this and if this is successful, we'll produce a CD and your career will be truly launched. ERIC I can't thank you enough for giving me a chance, Mr. Sterling. STERLING Not everybody has a gift like you have, Eric. I certainly don't. Tasha does, though. She could be a successful performer of Siberian folk dances but she refuses to change her name. With her name, a professional dancing career is out of the question. TASHA What's wrong with Tasha? STERLING You know I'm not talking about your first name. I'm talking about Krappenklutz. TASHA Krappenklutz is a perfectly fine name. My parents had that name all their lives.

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ERIC Your mother didn't have that name all her life, did she?

TASHA Yes. It was also my mother's maiden name. ERIC Oh. TASHA I know what you're thinking. No, my parents were not related before they were married. My father was from the western Siberia Krappenklutzes and my mother was from the eastern Siberia Krappenklutzes. ERIC Oh. TASHA My life's dream is to marry a Krappenklutz from central Siberia. ERIC Mr. Sterling, what's your first name? I haven't heard anyone call you anything but Mister Sterling. STERLING My first name is Mister. My parents figured with a name like that, I'd be treated with respect. ERIC Did it work? STERLING No. I got beat up a lot as a kid. But I get respect now as a highly successful talent agent. So, Eric, tell us about yourself. 70

ERIC It seems like nobody ever asks me that. My whole life, nobody has

ever wanted to hear about me, how I feel and what I want... Snoring is heard. Eric looks over at Sterling who is asleep and snoring. ERIC Well, Tasha, I hope I don't put you to sleep. Close-up on Tasha, whose head is tilted back and her eyes are closed. She starts to snore. Eric shakes her shoulder. ERIC Tasha! Wake up! Tasha's eyes open and grow wide. A semi truck's lights are seen approaching through the windshield. EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS The limousine swerves to miss the oncoming truck. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - LATER Sterling, Tasha and Eric enter the lobby. Eric is carrying a large suitcase. Tasha is carrying a large suitcase and a large trunk positioned on her bent back. Sterling carries nothing. A BELLHOP, in his early 20s, speaks to Tasha. BELLHOP May I assist you, ma’am? STERLING We can handle our own luggage, thank you. The bellhop departs. ERIC Mr. Sterling, why didn’t you let him help Tasha? 71

STERLING

Eric, you’ll soon learn that any time somebody wants to help you with luggage, he is either a thief or after a tip, which is the same thing. Tasha certainly can’t afford to be paying tips. The three continue through the lobby to the check in counter where the NIGHT MANAGER, about 40, is standing. MANAGER How may I help you? STERLING Do you have any suites? MANAGER The coffee shop has good pie. INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER Eric, Tasha and Sterling are seated in a booth. Eric takes a bite of pie. ERIC It is good pie. Well, where was I? Oh, yeah, Sylvia. Eric looks out the window as he continues talking. CLOSE on Eric. ERIC Underneath, that spoiled brat exterior, there really is a good heart. At first, her generosity didn’t impress me but the more I think about it, the more I believe she really did care. It's the small things that count, like buying good beans with real pieces of pork fat and like the two of you letting me share my feelings like this. 72

Snoring is heard. Tasha and Sterling are seen across the

booth from Eric, both asleep. INT. LAS VEGAS AUDITORIUM – EVENING Eric concludes a performance of the 1812 Overture. He receives enthusiastic applause. INT. LAS VEGAS AUDITORIUM – LATER Eric joins Sterling and Tasha at a table. In the background is piano music and the voice of a Liberace impersonator. ERIC How was I? TASHA Great, as always. STERLING Yeah, pretty good. I've signed Percy up for a month extension here. ERIC That's wonderful. STERLING But you won't be his opening act. ERIC (surprised and disappointed) Why not? STERLING Because you're going on your own tour as a headliner. ERIC Wow! TASHA This is fantastic Eric. You have everything you've always wanted.

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INT. ERIC'S HOTEL ROOM – EVENING Eric is holding a framed photo of Sylvia in a swim suit on the patio talking on the phone. Eric gently touches the image of Sylvia. INT. SYLVIA'S BEDROOM – EVENING Sylvia is sitting at her vanity. She takes a framed photo from a drawer, a photo of Eric on his hands and knees, scrubbing the deck. She gently touches the image of Eric. INT. STERLING'S HOTEL ROOM – EVENING Sterling is seated at a desk holding a photo of himself standing by his limousine. He gently touches the photo. MONTAGE During a brief montage of scenes, Eric plays before progressively larger concert halls, concluding with an opera house where Eric, wearing a tuxedo, plays before a well-dressed audience. He finishes, and then bows as he receives a standing ovation. INT. ERIC'S DRESSING ROOM - LATER Eric is seated at a mirror wiping his face. Tasha is standing, talking to him. TASHA The finale was absolutely breathtaking. ERIC Thank you, Tasha. Sterling enters. STERLING Brilliant, brilliant, absolutely brilliant! (handing Eric an envelope) Here’s a rather large check for your performance. 74

Sterling digs into his pocket and brings out another envelope. STERLING And here's a letter from your mother. Eric takes the letter. ERIC Was there anything else? Perhaps a letter from Nextexit? STERLING No. Sorry. Well, I need to go negotiate your Carnegie Hall appearance. Congratulations, Eric. ERIC Thanks, Mr. Sterling. Sterling departs. TASHA Who were you expecting to hear from in Nextexit? ERIC No one, really. No one in Nextexit cares anything about me. INT. BANK - DAY HARVEY, a bank teller, about 30, is looking at a check as Eric stands at the counter. HARVEY This is a rather large check. Do you have any ID? ERIC I have a library card. An unarmed BANK ROBBER, about 30, moves between Eric and the counter.

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BANK ROBBER Excuse me. HARVEY Sir, you'll have to wait your turn. I'll be with you as soon as I take care of this young man. BANK ROBBER I happen to be a bank robber. Bank robbers don't have to wait in line like everybody else, now do they? HARVEY If you're a bank robber, then where is your gun? BANK ROBBER (Embarrassed) I forgot it. HARVEY What does that sign to your right say? BANK ROBBER All robbers must brandish a loaded firearm during a robbery. HARVEY That's our policy. BANK ROBBER Couldn't you make an exception? I do have a gun. I just left it at home. HARVEY No exceptions. BANK ROBBER (Angry) Hey Bud, give me your cash or I'll slap you real hard!

HARVEY (Shaking his head in disgust) You are pathetic, sir. 76

The bank robber stomps off. Harvey takes the library card from Eric and scrutinizes it. HARVEY Let me get this straight. You're a teenager, whose only ID is a library card from a town 2,000 miles away and you want me to cash a large check? ERIC Yes, sir. HARVEY Well, OK. Harvey puts stacks of paperbound bills on the counter. ERIC Thank you, uh... HARVEY It's Harvey Krappenklutz. ERIC Of the Krappenklutzes from central Siberia? HARVEY How did you know? EXT. OUTDOOR STAGE AREA - DAY Tasha is nailing boards on a stage. Eric is facing her. She continues to hammer as she talks. TASHA You mean Harvey, the bank teller? ERIC You know him? TASHA

We dated a few times but I could never get serious about someone who puts ketchup on his broccoli. So what did your mother's letter say? 77

ERIC Dad got promoted to foreman at the lava lamp factory and mom was named county chair of the Association for the Prevention of Choking to Death. TASHA That's great! ERIC My brother Eddie came home, at least they think it's Eddie but his birthmark now looks more like Kansas than Wyoming. TASHA Well, I suppose that can happen to a birthmark. Sterling walks up, holding three envelopes. STERLING You've got fan mail, Maestro. ERIC (Taking envelopes) Really? Eric scans the three envelopes, his face registering disappointment. ERIC Is this all? STERLING Eric, you're just getting started. You haven't even released your first CD. Once that happens the fan mail will start pouring in.

ERIC Yeah, I suppose. TASHA Were you expecting something from someone in particular? 78

STERLING Oh, it's a girl, isn't it? ERIC I'm not expecting anything. STERLING Hey, don't worry. Girls will be throwing themselves at your feet. See you at the recording studio tomorrow. And, Tasha, let’s get a move on. You still need to wax the limousine today. TASHA Yes, Mr. Sterling. Sterling departs. TASHA It's that girl you lived with, isn't it? What was her name? ERIC Sylvia. She thought of me as dullwitted help. There's no reason to think about her ever again. TASHA Maybe you've been hurt, but that's no reason to close yourself off from caring about someone again. ERIC You're a fine one to lecture me about closing myself off TASHA What do you mean?

ERIC Putting ketchup on broccoli is a poor excuse for breaking up with someone. TASHA There was more to it than that. I really don't want to talk about it. 79

Eric walks away, looking down at the three envelopes in his hands as he slowly sorts through them. INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY A SOUND TECHNICIAN, about 30, sits at a panel of controls, looking through glass at Eric, who is wearing headphones and standing at a microphone playing the conclusion of the 1812 Overture on his harmonica. Tasha and Sterling are behind the technician. Tasha has an ironing board in front of her. She is ironing shirts. A basket of shirts is on the floor. Eric finishes. Sterling and Tasha applaud. TECHNICIAN OK, great! That wraps it up. Eric takes off his headphones and comes out of the sound booth. TASHA That was fantastic, Eric. ERIC Thanks. STERLING Eric, five fan letters today. Eric excitedly grabs the letters from Sterling. He shows disappointment as he sorts through them. STERLING Still no letter from your sweetheart? ERIC

(Walking out of the studio) I don't have a sweetheart. EXT. POOLSIDE - DAY Eric is seated alone at a patio table with an umbrella. He silently stares straight ahead. Tasha walks up.

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TASHA You look deep in thought. Mind if I join you? ERIC Have a seat. TASHA (as she sits down) Have you contacted her? ERIC There's nobody to contact. TASHA You can't keep moping. Give Sylvia time. Your CD hasn't been released yet. She might not know what has been happening in your life. INT. MCDOONE LIVING ROOM - EVENING Sylvia is on the couch, eating popcorn and watching TV. Scoop is in a recliner, reading a newspaper. The paper has a banner headline - "WORTHLESS IMBECILE STILL AT LARGE!" Scoop has a baseball bat across his lap. TV ANNOUNCER We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. The 1812 Overture is played on the harmonica. The same TV announcer's voice is heard. TV ANNOUNCER Eric White has amazed audiences

with his power and versatility. Now fans can hear the harmonica master on a two-disc CD set of classical music, as you've never heard classical music. Sylvia's mouth drops open and Scoop lowers his paper, his face registering shock. The scene goes to what the TV is showing. Eric, wearing a tuxedo, plays into a microphone. 81

TV ANNOUNCER You'll hear timeless compositions such as Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Eric plays Beethoven. TV ANNOUNCER And Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries. Eric plays Wagner. TV ANNOUNCER And the complete collection of Rachmaninoff's greatest hits as well as other timeless tunes. Sylvia and Scoop stare open-mouthed at the TV. TV ANNOUNCER But wait, there's more! For a limited time, we'll send you at no extra charge, Eric's Tribute to Heavy Metal, including such favorites as Iron Man by Black Sabbath... Eric plays Iron Man. TV ANNOUNCER And much, much more. You get the two CD set of classical music and Eric White's Tribute to Heavy Metal. But wait! If you order now, you get, at no extra charge, the

Greatest Rap Melodies of All Time. Eric holds the harmonica to his mouth while the other hand waves in time to repetitive music that could conceivably be rap. SYLVIA Isn't that amazing? Eric is a superstar! Scoop holds up his baseball bat and waves it at the TV. 82

SCOOP Superstar or not, he better not show his face in Nextexit! INT. STERLING'S OFFICE - DAY Sterling is seated behind his large desk. Eric and Tasha are in other chairs. STERLING Why would you play a concert in Nextexit, Eric? I thought you said they treated you horribly. ERIC Some people did but not everybody. This is a fundraiser for the Nextexit Volunteer Fire Department. TASHA It would be a PR opportunity. STERLING That's out of the question, Eric. Maybe in a year or two, you can do some PR concert in a jerkwater town like Nextexit but right now you've got to capitalize on your success. You've just released a set of CDs and you're scheduled for a two-week tour of Liechtenstein. TASHA Maybe we can discuss it when we get

back from Liechtenstein. EXT. JET – DAY A small airborne jet is seen from outside. INT. JET – CONTINUOUS Eric, Tasha and Sterling are seated at a table. STERLING A crowd of fans is waiting at the airport. 83

ERIC A crowd of fans? TASHA Oh, yes. You're huge in Liechtenstein. EXT. AIRPORT - LATER Eric stands in the doorway of the jet as loud cheers of a crowd are heard. Eric stares in amazement. Inserted film clips show crowds of tens of thousands. Eric, Sterling and Tasha go to a limousine where GUNTER GUNTERMAN, about 50, dressed in a three-piece suit, is waiting. Gunterman goes to shake Eric's hand. He shouts to be heard above the crowd. GUNTERMAN Welcome to Liechtenstein Herr White. I'm Gunter Gunterman, the Liechtenstein Minister of Culture. ERIC Pleased to meet you, Herr Gunterman. INT. LIMOUSINE - A MOMENT LATER In the limousine, Gunterman and Sterling are seated facing Eric and Tasha. GUNTERMAN Of course, all appearances have been sold out.

STERLING Are you ready to take Liechtenstein by storm, Eric? ERIC I'm ready, Mr. Sterling. MONTAGE Scenes of Eric on stage are interspersed with clips of fans going wild, {clips from a 1960s Beatles concert). Eric plays on an outdoor stage followed by scenes of the Woodstock crowd. Eric waves from a convertible, superimposed on a ticker tape parade in New York. 84

INT. OUTSIDE OF DRESSING ROOM - DAY Eric is signing autographs for an enthusiastic group of teenage girls. STERLING Sorry folks. Eric has to prepare for this evening's performance. Sterling continues talking to the fans as Eric goes into the dressing room. INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gunterman and Harvey are waiting in the dressing room. GUNTERMAN Pardon the intrusion, Eric, but this gentleman says he has important business with you. ERIC It's Harvey from the bank, isn't it? HARVEY (As they shake hands) Yes. I'm surprised you remember me. ERIC What brings you all the way to

Liechtenstein? Harvey takes a card from a pocket and hands it to Eric. HARVEY You forgot your library card at the bank. ERIC Thank you! I was wondering what happened to that. Do you plan to see my show tonight? HARVEY I'd love to but it's sold out. 85

ERIC Herr Gunterman, could we find a ticket for Harvey? GUNTERMAN Certainly. Would third row center be adequate? HARVEY That would be wonderful! ERIC And afterwards, maybe you could join a small intimate group of us for dinner at the hotel. HARVEY I'd be delighted to join you. INT. HOTEL SUITE - EVENING Eric answers the door when Harvey arrives. Gunterman, Sterling and Tasha are in the room. ERIC (As they shake hands) Harvey, good of you to come. HARVEY My pleasure. Your performance tonight was fantastic.

ERIC Thank you. Gunterman and Harvey shake hands. HARVEY Thank you for the ticket Herr Gunterman. It was a performance I'll never forget. GUNTERMAN You're welcome Herr Krappenklutz. I believe you've met Herr Sterling. Sterling and Harvey shake hands. 86

STERLING Yes. Harvey is an acquaintance of my secretary. Harvey and Tasha look at each other a bit awkwardly. HARVEY Hello Tasha. TASHA Hello Harvey. It's good of you to return Eric's library card. ERIC Harvey, we were planning our last performance in Liechtenstein. Perhaps you'd care to come with us. TASHA I'm sure Harvey needs to get back to the bank. HARVEY Yes, I should get back to work. ERIC Well, we don't want to get you fired, Harvey. HARVEY That's not likely since my father

owns the bank but I don't want to abuse that advantage. TASHA Your father owns the bank? HARVEY Yes, it’s the Krappenklutz Bank. TASHA I knew that was the name of the bank. I just never made the connection. GUNTERMAN Shall I proceed? 87

STERLING By all means. Gunterman goes to a white marker board and draws an irregular shape and puts an X in the center. GUNTERMAN Here we are in central Liechtenstein. Gunterman makes an irregular line, marking off a portion of Liechtenstein, roughly the northwestern quarter. GUNTERMAN The Great Liechtenstein Jungle is our most isolated area. It is mostly uninhabited jungle filled with deadly snakes... Gunterman makes squiggly lines indicating snakes. GUNTERMAN And other horrible things. Gunterman draws a face showing horror. GUNTERMAN The isolated and impoverished citizens living in the Great Liechtenstein Jungle are unable to

attend an Eric White concert. This makes them sad. Gunterman draws a frowny face. GUNTERMAN What we’ll do is make an arduous and dangerous backpacking trip into the jungle for a concert. This will make the jungle residents happy. Gunterman draws a happy face. STERLING Thank you Herr Gunterman. Are we ready for dinner? 88

ERIC If you don't mind. I'd like to play a special tune first. GUNTERMAN That would be splendid. STERLING By all means. ERIC Perhaps Harvey and Tasha will recognize this tune. Eric starts playing a Polka style tune. TASHA It's the Siberian Click-click song! HARVEY Yes, the song for the traditional Siberian Click-click Dance. GUNTERMAN How is it done? Tasha and Harvey look lock at each other a moment, then

lock their right arms together and skip around in a circle waving their left arms and snapping fingers. EXT. JUNGLE - LATE AFTERNOON Gunterman, Eric, Sterling, Tasha and Harvey, all wearing backpacks, are hacking through dense jungle brush with machetes. Gunterman leads the way. He stops in a clearing. GUNTERMAN We'll spend the night in this clearing. We need to build a big campfire. Hopefully, that will keep the deadly Liechtenstein jungle vipers from attacking. ERIC Hopefully? 89

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT Tasha and Harvey are lying on the ground facing the campfire, the tops of their heads a few inches from each other. They speak in low voices. HARVEY I've often wondered whether you told me the real reason you broke up with me. TASHA You know why. HARVEY So I should change my eating habits to please you? TASHA That's what people do when they care about each other. They adjust their lives to please each other. HARVEY You mean they adjust their lives

to please you. TASHA There's no point in talking about it. It's over. HARVEY Fine. EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING Eric walks up to a tree. He rubs his eyes sleepily. The sound of a zipper is heard and then the sound of urinating. A snake lowers its head so it is looking into Eric's eyes, its tongue flicking. Eric looks around and sees dozens of snakes hanging from tree limbs. He turns and runs. Gunterman is lying on his back, asleep. A yellow stream splashes across his face. Gunterman jerks up to a sitting position. GUNTERMAN What the... 90

Eric puts wood on the smoldering fire. ERIC (Shouting) Snakes! Thousands of them! The others sit up and look around. They see snakes crawling around in the brush. STERLING My God! We're surrounded? Herr Gunterman, what can we do? GUNTERMAN We can build up the fire but that will only delay the inevitable. STERLING This doesn't surprise you? GUNTERMAN This sometimes happens to groups

traveling through the Liechtenstein jungle. We were such a small group that I thought we could avoid this. STERLING Gunter, This is the last tour you will arrange for us! GUNTERMAN Maybe you don't understand the situation. This is the last thing any of us will ever do. The snakes slither around in a circle around the campsite, gradually working their way toward the center. ERIC Aren't snakes supposed to be more afraid of us than we are of them? GUNTERMAN Snakes have never actually been surveyed on that subject. 91

TASHA What I don't understand is why the snakes would attack humans. We're too big to eat. HARVEY Oh, does that bother you, Tasha, the irrationality of vicious creatures? GUNTERMAN Actually, the behavior of the snakes serves a purpose for them. Once we’re dead, we will attract Liechtenstein jungle rats. They are the main source of food for the Liechtenstein jungle vipers. STERLING Thank you so much Herr Gunterman for sharing that.

ERIC I could keep away the rats if I was alive but we'll all be dead. TASHA How could you keep away rats? ERIC Rats run from harmonica music. HARVEY Maybe snakes would too. ERIC I don't think so. TASHA It's worth a try. Eric gets his harmonica from his pocket and starts playing. Snakes start slithering away into the brush. STERLING Hey, it's working! 92

EXT. JUNGLE - A MOMENT LATER Gunterman is leading the group, slashing at brush with his machete. Eric follows, playing his harmonica, then Sterling and then Tasha and Harvey side by side. Tasha, looking frightened, moves against Harvey and he wraps an arm around her shoulders. EXT. VILLAGE - LATER The group enters a village of mud huts. Dozens of natives cheer. Some hold a banner saying WELCOME ERIC WHITE. The men and boys wear lederhosen and Robin Hood style caps with a feather in each. The women and girls wear colorful peasant dresses. BURGERMEISTER PAULO, about 40, and FRAU LENA, about 20, approach. Burgermeister Paulo bows to Eric. BURGERMEISTER PAULO Welcome to our village. I am Burgermeister Paulo. This is my

favorite wife, Frau Lena. Frau Lena curtsies. Eric bows. ERIC Pleased to meet you Burgermeister Paulo and favorite wife Frau Lena. FRAU LENA We would be honored if you would accept the hospitality of our humble home. We can discuss tomorrow's concert while we dine. INT. DINING ROOM - LATER Burgermeister Paulo, Frau Lena and their guests eat from bowls at a long table. FRAU LENA Beans with real pieces of pork fat is a popular dish in the Great Liechtenstein Jungle. I hope you enjoy it, Eric.

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ERIC I used to eat beans frequently but mostly it was the cheap kind without real pieces of pork fat. TASHA This is a lovely table. I've never seen wood like this. GUNTERMAN It's Liechtenstein swampwood, isn't it? FRAU LENA Yes it is. The trees grow only in the Great Liechtenstein Jungle. The wood is quite valuable but there are no roads to bring it out of the Great Liechtenstein Jungle.

BURGERMEISTER PAULO We have many natural resources that could make our village prosperous if only we had roads but we don't so we remain isolated and poor. HARVEY Why are there no roads? BURGERMEISTER PAULO The Liechtenstein jungle vipers always annihilate the construction crews. HARVEY If a way to repel the snakes was discovered, roads could be built through the jungle, couldn't they? BURGERMEISTER PAULO Even if that were possible, no investors will try that again. One year, Liechtenstein jungle rats ate nearly half the bankers in Liechtenstein. 94

Two TEENAGE GIRLS in peasant dresses bring in trays with bowls on them FRAU LENA Our next course is another popular dish of our region, broccoli and goat eyes. The serving girls set bowls of broccoli and eyeballs before the guests. Harvey reaches for a bottle of ketchup and takes off the cap. He glances at Tasha, puts the cap back on and sets the bottle down. Tasha picks up the bottle, takes off the cap and pours it on Harvey's bowl of broccoli and goat eyes. INT. STAGE - EVENING

Eric, his face wet with sweat, finishes playing a tune on a stage with some African looking decorations in the background. There is the sound of applause and cheering. ERIC Thank you everybody. It has been wonderful being in the Great Liechtenstein Jungle. INT. HOTEL DINING ROOM – EVENING Sterling, Tasha and Eric are having supper, Sterling eating lobster, Eric eating steak and Tasha eating spaghetti. STERLING The jungle was interesting but it's good to be back in the civilized area of Liechtenstein. TASHA I found the jungle beautiful. STERLING Well Eric, we have two more days in Liechtenstein without any concerts. You and I can go scuba diving at the Great Liechtenstein Reef while Tasha catches up with bookkeeping. 95

TASHA I have other plans. STERLING What do you mean other plans? You're my secretary aren't you? TASHA That doesn't mean I'm your slave. STERLING Well, no, not technically. TASHA I've been working for months without a break so I don't think it's unreasonable to take a couple

of days off. STERLING Maybe one day off would be reasonable. TASHA I'm taking two days off and by the way, Harvey declined your offer of a ride back Monday on our jet. He's staying in Liechtentstein for a few more weeks. STERLING What will he be doing here for a few weeks. TASHA You'll have to ask him. (stands up) If you'll excuse me, I'm not very hungry and I have a big day planned for tomorrow. STERLING (angry) Well, you better be at the airport at 9 a.m. sharp on Monday or we'll leave without you. 96

TASHA Fine, you do that. Tasha departs. STERLING What has gotten into that girl? ERIC Maybe she wants a life of her own. STERLING Ridiculous. Since when did that become part of the job description for a secretary?

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY Tasha and Harvey wait outside of the jet as a limousine pulls up. Sterling and Eric get out of the limousine. STERLING Harvey, did you decide to get a ride back with us after all? HARVEY Mr. Sterling, I've asked Tasha to marry me. STERLING And what did you say, Tasha? TASHA Well, the decision was simple. Either I continue doing menial tasks for a person who neither respects me nor cares about me or I can live my dream with a man who loves me and respects me and will make me a partner in his life's work. Sterling and Eric look at Tasha in anticipation of her answer to the question. Finally Sterling speaks.

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STERLING (Impatiently) And? Tasha extends her hand and shows an engagement ring. TASHA We're engaged. Eric hugs Tasha and shakes hands with Harvey, congratulating them. TASHA Mr. Sterling, don't I get a hug

from you? STERLING I don't think this wedding thing will be practical. We'll discuss it on the plane. TASHA We're staying here a few weeks. STERLING You realize, Tasha, that you will get absolutely no retirement benefits if you leave me now? TASHA I've never had retirement benefits. ERIC What will you be doing here? HARVEY I'm supervising a project financed by the Krappenklutz Bank. We'll start constructing a road into the Great Liechtenstein Jungle when a shipment of harmonicas arrives. STERLING Don't expect an invitation to my next Christmas party, Tasha. 98

TASHA The only thing I did at your Christmas parties was to serve hors d'oeuvres. STERLING (Angry) Well, you got to eat some of them, didn't you? TASHA Can't you just be happy for me, Mr. Sterling?

STERLING We need to get going, Eric. Eric hugs Tasha again and shakes Harvey's hand. Good-byes are exchanged. ERIC Mr. Sterling, aren't you going to say good-bye? STERLING We need to get going. Sterling and Eric head up the airplane stairs. About halfway up, Sterling turns and walks down the steps. He hugs Tasha and shakes Harvey's hand. As he turns toward the plane, Tasha puts her hand on his shoulder. He turns back to her. TASHA Make sure Eric plays at the Nextexit benefit concert. STERLING Nextexit is a nothing town. TASHA Let him do it, as a favor to me, won't you Mr. Sterling? STERLING OK, as a favor to you, Tasha. 99

INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY Eric peers through the curtains at the auditorium as the audience fills the seats. Sterling walks up to him. STERLING Why are you so nervous, Eric? ERIC The auditorium is packed.

STERLING Of course it's packed. You're playing at a high school. Eric continues to look through the curtains silently for a moment. STERLING Is the girl out there? ERIC No. Mayor Horn’s aide walks up. AIDE Mr. Sterling, the mayor wants to know when the opening acts are on. STERLING What opening acts? AIDE The mayor has a ventriloquist act. Naturally, I assist. And, of course, no community event in Nextexit would be complete without the Sibley Sisters’ synchronized baton twirling.

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STERLING Where is the mayor? I need to talk to him. The aide and Sterling depart. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER Eric goes past Sterling and Sparky onto the stage. The audience applauds. SPARKY

What happened to the opening acts? STERLING They are now the closing acts. The mayor was not happy. I think I've blown any chance of ever getting a discount on sewer work. SPARKY What a pity. Eric launches into the 1812 Overture. The crowd cheers. INT. STAGE - LATER Eric, his face wet with sweat is seen in slow motion. This fades out as the next scene fades in. INT. STAGE - LATER Eric, no longer in slow motion, ends his performance. The crowd applauds, getting to their feet. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS The mayor, carrying a ventriloquist dummy, and the aide walk past Sterling and Sparky. STERLING Wait! Eric will do an encore. The mayor and aide glare at Sterling. The dummy gives Sterling the finger. 101

INT. BACKSTAGE - A MOMENT LATER Sterling and Sparky are waiting for Eric as he comes off stage. Sterling hands Eric a towel. STERLING Magnificent! Sylvia approaches. SYLVIA

Eric! ERIC Sylvia, I didn't think you'd make it! Sylvia grabs Eric by the arm and pulls him toward a door. SYLVIA You have to get out of here! My father is coming! ERIC I don't care about that. I'm just glad you came. EXT. IN BACK OF HIGH SCHOOL - LATE AFTERNOON Sylvia and Eric come out a door, Sylvia still pulling Eric by the arm. SYLVIA You have to run! He has a baseball bat. ERIC I'm not running. Sylvia, is that the only reason you came to see me, to warn me about your father? SYLVIA Why else would I come? Eric stops, causing Sylvia to stop. 102

ERIC I suppose there's no reason. Anyway, I'm not going to run from your father. I’ll stand up to him and face him like a man. The back door of the school swings open. A disheveled and wild looking Scoop steps through the door brandishing a baseball bat.

SCOOP (Shouting) There you are, you worthless imbecile! SYLVIA (Shouting) Run! Eric begins running. Scoop runs after him. Eric runs into an alley and trips over a trash can. He limps away. EXT. SIDEWALK - A MOMENT LATER Eric limps down the sidewalk. SCOOP There you are! Eric limps faster, his face showing pain, but soon gives up and turns to face Scoop with a resigned expression. Scoop is walking fast. Sylvia comes up from behind and grabs her father's right arm, the one with the bat. SYLVIA Dad, stop it! Scoop struggles with his daughter, finally pushing her away roughly. SCOOP Go home, Sylvia! Sylvia gets in front of Scoop, putting both hands against his chest. 103

SYLVIA Leave him alone! He just made a mistake! He didn't mean to destroy your stupid picture! SCOOP It was the photo of a lifetime! Now stay out of this! It's none of your business!

SYLVIA It is my business and I can't stay out of it! I love him! SCOOP (Surprised) You love him? ERIC (Surprised) You love me? SYLVIA Yes, I do. Sylvia goes into Eric’s arms. SCOOP Sylvia, you can’t love him! He destroyed the best photo I’ve ever taken. Do you think I’ll ever have another opportunity like that again? Sparky comes up in his wheel chair, wearing his firefighting turnout gear. He excitedly points to a place behind Scoop. SPARKY Look, Scoop, a building's on fire! Scoop, looking a bit dazed, turns to look in the direction that Sparky is pointing. He looks at a building that has flames coming out of windows

104

SCOOP It's the American Flag Store. That's where the Nextexit Tanning Salon, Day Care Center and Veterinary Clinic moved to when their building burned down. Scoop walks slowly toward the burning building, the baseball bat falling from his hand. The walk becomes

slower as the scene goes into slow motion. Out of the front door of the burning building, a WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, comes carrying a FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY, then ANOTHER WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, comes out carrying a puppy. Scoop's mouth drops open and he reaches into his pocket for his camera. Beethoven's Ode to Joy plays in the background. A THIRD WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, comes out of the building carrying an American Flag. Scoop puts the camera to his face and drops to his knees as he takes pictures. The three women in bikinis stand side by side as a gust of wind causes the flag to wave, away from the women, not obstructing them. Eric and Sylvia are standing next to each other, watching the spectacle. They turn to each other and smile. They embrace and kiss. They remain kissing as the scene ends. MONTAGE Scenes are silent except for background music - a continuation of Ode to Joy with harmonica music added. Harvey and Tasha are at the altar getting married. Tasha throws the bouquet, caught by Sylvia. Sylvia and Eric smile at each other and then kiss. Mother and Father and their children, including Eric, all dressed in suits and nice dresses, are in front of a building with a“WHITE'S LAVA LAMP REPAIR”sign. Father cuts a red ribbon stretched out in front of them. Sterling brings a bucket of water to the desk where his NEW SECRETARY, about 25, is sitting. He talks to her and motions toward the windows. The new secretary dumps the bucket of water on Sterling and walks out of the office. Eric plays the harmonica at a concert hall, accompanied by Sylvia on tambourine. They finish and receive a standing ovation. Eric and Sylvia embrace and then kiss.