English As A Queer Language

ENGLISH AS A QUEER LANGUAGE by anonymous We’ll begin with box, and The plural is boxes. But the plural of ox is oxen not “oxes”. Then one fowl is a goose and two are geese, Yet the plural of moose never be “meese”. You may find a lone mouse Or a whole lot of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not “hice”. If the plural of man is always men, Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be “pen”? Cow in the plural may be cows or kine. But the plural of vow is vows not “vine”. I speak of a foot and you Show me your feet. I give you a boot, would you call a pair “beet”?

If the singular is tooth and the plural teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be “beeth”? If the singular is this and the plural is these, Should the plural of kiss rightly be “keese”? Then, with ONE you use that and with THREE, those, Yet the plural of hat is never “hose”, We speak of a brother and also bretheren, But thought we say mother, we never say “methren”. The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine as she, “shis”, and “shim”, So English, I think – and you must agree – Is a language as queer as any you’ll see.

SEMANTICS Call a women a kitten, but never a cat; You can call her a mouse, cannot call her a rat; Call a women a chicken, but never a hen; Or you surely will not be her caller again. You can call her a duck, cannot call her a goose, You can call her a deer, but never a moose, You can call her lamb, never call her a sheep, Economy she likes, but you can’t call her cheap. You can say she’s a vision, can’t say she’s a sight, And no women is skinny, she’s slender and slight, If she should burn you up, she say she sets you afire, And you’ll always be welcome, you tricky old liar.