Distant's Lovers

MARIANNE BRINER

DISTANT LOVERS ========================================

THE SECRET LIFE OF JEFF KOINANGE – CNN – AFRICA CORRESPONDENT *******************

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PUBLISHED BY SONNENGARTEN COSTA DEL SOL MANAGEMENT SL. ID. B 922 726 73 - Malaga (Spain) Copyright by Marianne Briner - All rights reserved -

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system – without permission in writing from the copyright owner and the above Publisher of this book. Spain, August 31, 2007

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TOGETHER WE ARE STRONG AND NOT VOICELESS ANY MORE

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Lessons of Life ………………………… I feared being alone …………………… Until I learned to like myself. I feared failure ……………………….. Until I realized that I only fail when I don’t try. I feared success ……………………….. Until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself. I feared people’s opinions ……………… Until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway. I feared rejection …………………….. Until I learned to have faith in myself. I feared pain …………………………… Until I learned that it’s necessary for growth. 4

I feared the truth …………............... Until I saw the ugliness in lies. I feared life …………………………… Until I experienced its beauty. I feared death ………………………… Until I realized that it’s not an end, but a beginning. I feared my destiny……………………. Until I realized that I had the power to change my life. I feared hate ………………………….. Until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance. I feared love ……………………………. Until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days. I feared ridicule ………………………. Until I learned how to laugh at myself. 5

I feared growing old …………………. Until I realized that I gained wisdom every day. I feared the future …………………… Until I realized that life just kept getting better. I feared the past ………………………. Until I realized that it could no longer hurt me. I feared the dark ………………………. Until I saw the beauty of the starlight. I feared the light ………………………. Until I learned that the truth would give me strength. I feared change …………………………. Until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly Had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly. ********************* 6

PROLOGUE

Letter

to Jim Walton, President, CNN

Spain, March 1, 2007 I had sent in August last year to Jeff Koinange the official Press Release of my Book “A Shining Star in Darkness” which talks about the killing of the former Kenyan Minister for Foreign Affairs Dr. Robert Ouko in 1990. I had been involved in the investigations and cooperated with Scotland Yard and gave last evidence in front of a Parliamentary Committee in Nairobi in November 2004. Jeff replied immediately and proposed to have an interview with CNN in Atlanta and to present the book in Inside-Africa. Soon after he started to call me and things changed to very private and personal matters. He then sent me by email photos showing him and Mandela (comment: “sharing a special moment with a special friend”), the photo of the Prix-Bayeux-Ceremony (comment: “so now you know about it even before my wife does….”) and also some showing his Living Room with his Art Collection (comment: “I want you to know how if am living….”) and then the book about his Grandfather (one copy he sent also to my daughter) – with his handwritten dedication: “This will give you an insight who I really am and where I come from …..”. During all this time he kept me also informed about his job, his assignments, either by phone (sometimes more than 5-times per day) or by email (here even upto 10 per day) sent from different places like Darfur, Congo, Botswana, Malawi etc. and last from Nigeria – besides the ‘normal’ ones from Johannesburg.

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Especially the Nigerian Report was then also a point of our discussion now in London when he gave me some inside information how he had arranged for having the encounter with these MEND people (“of course we had to pay certain people to get the story – but everything was done in agreement with CNN and in accordance with their usual standards – but you do not get such a story without bribing – you know how the world and especially in Nigeria functions – you have to have financial resources – but at the end it was worth it – CNN has its story and I have my ‘fame’ …..”). The rest of our ‘encounter’ in London can be read in the attached document. It was nasty and now has turned into an open threat on my life since he warned me that he would give the details of my Spanish address and my Swiss one (where also my daughter lives) to Nicolas Biwott (in my book carrying the name ‘Nick Boit’). Especially the last sentence “if I was prepared to ‘MOVE’ again” has made me decide to go with the whole story into the open. I have to protect not only myself but also my daughter. Here you should know that I am living in fear since 15 years – have moved more than a dozen times – and John Troon (retired Superintendent from Scotland Yard who at that time was leading the investigations in Kenya and with whom I am in contact since) has just now confirmed to me in London that I am still in danger. When he heard that I am in contact with Jeff Koinange, he told me in very strict words “you have made a very big mistake to trust a man like that. He will sell you for a good story and also to Biwott – I am even convinced that he had set you up just for this reason…..”. After what has then happened in London, I am starting to believe him. But I have decided to fight back. I have never been a coward and Jeff knows this. Just read his last emails where he is begging me not to disclose anything because it would destroy him and everything he had been achieved up to now.

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I had given him time until March 10 to come here and clarify things and to assure me of the introduction to CNN – but he has decided to threaten me instead. I have sent the attached document already to Femi Oke (Inside-Africa) together with some remarks Jeff made about her which are very offensive. It should make her a bit careful when dealing with him in the future. He is not the ‘nice’ guy as he pretends to be. As I said before, I had hoped to settle this whole nasty matter amicably in arranging the promised interview with either you or Jonathan Mann and also with Oprah Winfrey whom he also had mentioned would be interested to present my book on her Show. But he has decided not to accept my offer and has started to issue serious threats against me. I could have been ‘living’ with the one about that special photo (by the way, it is beautiful and not ‘juicy’ at all – I am very proud to have been looking like that when I was younger) or the disclosure of my private life (all these relationships mentioned are anyway known and some are even almost 30 years old – so what he heck to talk about them now …..). But I am not accepting his threats to disclose my and my daughter’s whereabouts to Nicholas Biwott knowing that during the last years more than 100 people have lost their lives connected to the Ouko-Case and also knowing that Biwott would be more than happy to finally get hold of me ……. and Jeff knows this very well. But obviously he does not care just a bit …… Sincerely, Marianne Briner cc.: Chris Cramer, Vice-President CNN International Jim Clancy, CNN International Jonathan Mann, CNN International 9

Femi Oke, Inside-Africa Anderson Cooper, AC360 Oprah Winfrey *********** I know that this letter has made a lot of people - and mainly those who voted Jeff Koinange in 2000 ‘the sexiest African alive’ scream to the sky “How could she ?” But I think, it is time to put some things straight …….. Jeff Koinange is a man who has a deep-rooted complex of inferiority mainly with white women. Like he once wrote to me, he always thought not be good enough …….. and this complex has never left him. He has therefore developed an almost paranoid urge to be recognized especially in the ‘white’ world and in order to reach this goal, he is willing to do everything - no matter what …. and how …. and with whom. I could go on and on - since Jeff Koinange is a ‘never-ending saga’ - full of surprises. Just read the correspondence between him and me contained in this book and you will fully agree…. And then – last but not least - his desire to become the President of Kenya in 2012 or 2017 latest “fulfilling his Grandfather’s dreams” as he has put it. So here is the nice information for all his admirers who are now missing to see his face on CNN: Don’t be too disheartened - you will see more of him during the next years when he comes back to Kenya and enters the political arena …….

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He has already proven to have all the necessary capabilities to become a ‘successful’ politician - amongst which the most important one: ‘How do I sell myself ………………..’ ? To this I can honestly reply: ‘Mission accomplished’, Jeff Koinange. You only have to continue the same way you did up to now ……..’

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CHAPTER 1

……… HOW IT ALL BEGAN ……..

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Against all odds ……….. You’re from the South, I’m from the West – Against all odds, God knows what’s best. We’re a world apart, Yet found each other. Against all odds, We found each other …..

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I

n

August 2006,

my bestselling book

A Shining Star in

Darkness – which I wrote to tell the world who killed the Kenyan

Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dr. Robert Ouko, and why - was published in the United States by a publishing firm that’s a strategic partner of Random House Ventures. Shortly after the book was published, a Press Release was sent to various media outlets across the United States, Europe and Africa by the book’s Pennsylvania-based Publisher XLibris. It was during that targeted promotional campaign that I brainstormed on the best way to market the book …. bring it to as large a readership as possible. Then one Saturday afternoon as I was watching CNN’s weekly magazine Inside-Africa, I saw a dashing young man who looked African, but spoke with something close to an American accent. He commented on the new school Oprah Winfrey was going to open in South Africa and explained with characteristic gusto and borderline pomposity – how this school was going to avail the best education to young girls. How it was one of a kind on this struggling continent. He even gave a detailed description about the genesis of the project, how Nelson Mandela had been instrumental in finding the land upon which it was built, and how Oprah hoped that the girls who graduated from the school would change Africa ….. and the world. When he finished his report saying ‘This is Jeff Koinange – reporting for Inside-Africa’, my jaw dropped. Koinange?

I knew a prominent Kenyan family by that name. I knew that the Kenyattas were related to them by marriage ….. one of the most powerful Ministers had been a Koinange and I knew that Wilfred

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Koinange, the former Central Bank of Kenya Governor, was a member of that family. Was this Jeff Koinange also one of them? I googled him and learnt a few things about him….. that after finishing a very exclusive Private School in Kenya, he went to the States and worked first as a Flight Attendant. He then studied Journalism and worked for Reuters and now for CNN based in Johannesburg – as one of their leading and award-winning International Correspondents ……… So the very same afternoon, I called my co-author Sam Okello in the States and asked if we should send the Press Release directly to this Jeff Koinange. Sam found it a perfect idea, “But for this to be credible, you’ll have to be the one to write to Jeff,” he said, “He’ll take a white woman more seriously.” Although this last remark was disturbing me a little bit, agreed.

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And with that, I wrote my very first letter to Jeff on August 17, 2006:

Dear Mr. Koinange, Enclosed please find the official Press Release and bookstore leaflet by XLibris-USA regarding my book “A Shining Star in Darkness” which has come out this week. Although set up as a fictional novel, it is telling of real life events which happened in Kenya. It is my own personal story. Maybe you can take the time to go through it. If you have any questions, I will be pleased to answer them.

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If may be of interest for you to know that I have decided together with my Co-Author Sam Okello to transfer all proceeds (royalties) of this book to a Foundation which we are setting up in the name and memory of Dr. Robert Ouko, former Minister for Foreign Affairs of Kenya, who was killed in 1990. The money will help to finance their studies and professional education in Kenya and abroad. The Foundation will carry the same name like the book, i.e. A Shining Star in Darkness, a title I gave to Dr. Ouko when giving evidence in front of the Parliamentary Committee in Nairobi in 2004. I know that you are Kenyan. Therefore, this book will be of special interest to you. Names like Mzee = Moi, Sango = Sunguh, Nick Boit = Nicholas Biwott, Agwambo = Raila Odinga, etc., will sound very familiar to you. You should also know that the script has been read before passing it to the Publisher by Gor Sunguh, Raila Odinga, the German and Swiss Embassy, Dr. Njoroge Mungai etc. None of them had any problem to get it published and none of them asked for any change. Mr. Sunguh has also offered to bring the first copy of the book to Mrs. Ouko together with David Musila, LDP Chairman, and now father-in-law of Susan Ouko, Dr. Ouko’s daughter. The only one who has threatened to sue me for astronomical amounts is Daniel arap Moi and his lawyer, Mutula Kilonzo. But the times that somebody could threaten me have long passed.

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Since they have announced that they would sue anybody involved not only in the publication but also in the printing and sale of the book, I have informed them they would have to include also the beneficiaries in their suit, i.e. the People of Kenya since we are passing all proceeds of this book to a Foundation for the poor children of Kenya ….. When asked during an Official Press Conference two weeks ago if the Kenyan Government is aware of my book, Dr. Mutua confirmed that he got to know about it and that the Government has welcomed it. He has furthermore assured that nobody will be allowed to stop its distribution and sale in Kenya since this method is a thing of the past and the former regime. Let’s see if they can keep at least this promise ….. Looking forward to your comments, I remain, Marianne Briner ________________________________________________________ And to my big surprise Jeff replied already the following day in his – as I should later learn – very characteristic style using capital letters to give certain words and expressions even more importance and attention:

Marianne, All I can say is WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m already HOOKED and would LOVE to get a hold of a copy ….. I don’t know if it’s available in Johannesburg (which is where I’m based right now). You’re a BRAVE woman, my dear …. and what you’re doing is GUTSY and very COMMENDABLE ………. 17

I remember reading your testimony in the Kenyan papers when you were in Nairobi ….. and I also remember hearing a lot of rumors about you ….. that you were ‘Mzee’s Mistress’ or was it ‘Biwott’s’ ?????? And lots more ……… I would be interested to hear what they would have to say about THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think, this is a VERY important book about a very DARK period in our HISTORY ………. THANK YOU for doing this. I’ll LOVE to do something with this …… I’ll have a chat with the folks at CNN’s magazine programme, INSIDE AFRICA ….. they may require you appear in one of our studios (London, Paris, New York, Atlanta) and do an interview and ‘defend’ your book ……… I think that would be GREAT …. let me know when it comes out …… and if you have a ‘spare’ copy and don’t mind sending it (signed of course) I’d greatly appreciate it. My address is: Jeff Koinange Africa Correspondent 25 Owl Street, 15th Floor Auckland Park Johannesburg 2092 - South Africa Tel.: (27) 11 – 726 – 4251 Good luck and let’s keep chatting. Bests, Jeff

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You have to understand that it’s been my biggest burden to honor a promise I made a long time ago - before his death - to Dr. Robert Ouko. At the time that promise was made, the flamboyant Foreign Affairs Minister had become aware that powerful forces in Nairobi - led by Nicholas Biwott - were out to get him ….. to kill him. And so he had told me in a phone conversation that should he get killed, Nicholas Biwott was responsible. And he made me promise to tell the world who killed him and why. Obviously I tried to in various commissions instituted by the Kenyan Government to look into the unresolved matter of Dr. Ouko’s murder. But it never worked. Biwott made sure - through the totally corrupt Kenyan legal system, bully tactics, threats to my life and outright lies - that my testimonies were incessantly interrupted and ultimately thrown out. The biggest mistake I made was to underestimate that man. He was a lot more cunning, a lot more evil and a lot more dangerous than I had ever thought. He was determined to bury Dr. Ouko and the memory of him …. and he knew that with time Kenyans would forget the man - maybe they even have. But I digress - like I was saying before, my primary motivation in writing the book was to honor a promise I made to Dr. Ouko …….. So when it became obvious to me that the Kenyan Government and the People of Kenya were going to let Dr. Ouko’s case to go cold and unresolved like the killings of Tom Mboya, J.M. Kariuki, Masindo Muliro, Ergwings Kodhek, Bishop Muge and Ongili Owiti, I knew I had to act. I had to because where I come from, a promise made to a parted person had to be carried out no matter what ….. With that perspective, now you understand why I wrote A 19

Shining Star in Darkness.

It was either to jump-start the investigation and bring the matter of Dr. Ouko’s death to a neat close ……. or for the book to be the final verdict on who the killers were …. and why they did it. I believe, the book has accomplished that……

And so here I was sitting at my computer on August 21, 2006, when I received a following-up mail by Jeff Koinange……

Marianne, First of all APOLOGIES for the remarks I made regarding you having been ‘Moi’s Mistress’ ….. I didn’t mean to offend you ….. I was just echoing the ‘thoughts’ of the ‘masses’ ….. I guess, people ‘make things up’ that they don’t know !!!!!!! Secondly, I’m FASCINATED with your BOOK (or at least the excerpts you’ve been so kind to forward to me) ….. It’s riveting and thought-provoking and I simply couldn’t put it down …. You write very simple and very well ………. Easy to follow and you keep the reader ‘intensely focused’ !!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations for this ……… Thirdly, you are ONE BRAVE WOMAN …. no Kenyan has come close to doing what you’re doing and for that you are to be COMMENDED !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t need to tell you this, but you should be PROUD of what you’re doing ….. I strongly believe the TRUTH must be told no matter how painful …. and no matter how long it takes … Lastly, if I can ‘convince’ Atlanta to do this interview, then I might not be able to convince them that I’m the ONLY one who can do it ….. since I’m based in 20

Johannesburg, taking a trip to Atlanta to do this, would be too costly for CNN (you know how tight-fisted they can be). But I could recommend someone equally competent (like Jim Clancy or Jonathan Mann) and they would do justice to the interview …… I would then deal with what we call the ‘Meat and Potatoes’ of the story ….. do a backgrounder on the Ouko murder-mystery and put it all in perspective. Thanks again for getting in touch (I wouldn’t even ask how you did it) but I hope, we can stay in touch. Bests, Jeff ******* If I told you that I was excited after reading Jeff Koinange’s comments about the book, I would be lying. I was more than just excited - I was ecstatic. Jeff’s was the first high-profile comment about the book. And it was positive! Of course, there had been comments about the book by people like Gor Sunguh, the late Father Angelo d’Agostini, and several friends in academia, but Jeff’s was special because in his line of work - where words and their formation were a critical tool - he had a special insight into what sounded credible and what didn’t. So when he asked for my telephone number later that evening, I was glad to give it to him. Things were going much better than I thought they would…… ********************

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On the same evening on August 21 , st

I was in my kitchen winding down the preparation of a dinner since I had invited some friends to join me later. Anyway, as I turned off power, tasted the food and kept the lid aside so the sweet aroma would serenade the room, I thought about the children of Kenya. The starving masses of Kibera, Korogocho and Kawangware. And here I was, about to settle down for a sumptuous meal, when just a couple of miles away - in a continent next door whose shores I could even see during clear days across the Mediterranean Sea - millions of children were about to go to bed with empty stomachs. And thousands of others had died this very day of hunger and starvation ….. of preventable and treatable diseases ….. of neglect by a world community preoccupied with dropping bombs and entrenching Western Superiority. Thinking about all this, I went back to the computer and was ready to shoot-off another e-mail to Jeff. But right there - just as I opened my mailbox - Jeff’s letter deposited itself. There were a couple of other letters, but this was the one I cared for. It came out of Jeff’s BlackBerry Wireless Handheld, as I would later learn:

Thank you for trusting me ….. I really appreciate it ….. I shall be calling U and I will tell U everything about me ….. by the way, ‘Father’ George is married to my first cousin ….. and Dr. Wilfred is also a first cousin but from another uncle ….. my grandfather, Senior Chief Koinange, had six wives …. my dad was one of the sons of wife number two ….. U should read my biography of my grandfather …… “Koinange wa Mbiyu – Mau Mau’s Misunderstood Leader.”

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I must tell you something funny …. a lot of people have told me I look like Uhuru (Kenyatta) …. What do you think ???? Talk soon, my friend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK After reading Jeff’s letter, I felt better. I felt that not only was he becoming an ally in publicizing my book, he was also becoming a friend. That meant a lot. Because there was still that nagging idea about starting a school like the one Oprah started in South Africa also in Kenya. I felt, I could do it. And though I knew it would take years before my dreams were realized, there had to be a start somewhere. After all, also Oprah started from somewhere. The only difference was, she had a sack-load of Dollars - whereas I only had my hopes and my dreams.

***** At this point, I can’t pass up an opportunity to rail against the Kenyan bourgeoisies. When I went back to Kenya in 2004, I was stunned by the modernizing nature of the city. In the 70’s and early 80’s when I had been living there, the city was just like any other third-world metropolis. Poor roads - incessant power cuts - outrageous sanitary conditions - a dysfunctional City Hall - and a runaway corruption. But in 2004, when I was there to appear before the Parliamentary Select Committee, I saw a thriving city. A modern city. A city that was the pride and hope of a Nation marching 23

steadily into a developing nation status. nonsense.

No more third-world

What I found distressing, however, was the grinding poverty in swaths of the city. I saw thousands of Kenyans slapping torn sandals and worn-out shoes on the pavements, hurrying into the city to look for jobs that weren’t there ….. or were reserved for the boss’ cousin or girlfriend. Alongside the poverty, I saw huge homes in Lavington, Adam’s Arcade, Runda, Loresho, Muthaiga, Karen ….. the list of these old and new exclusive residential areas had become endless. But for a visitor like me - especially one who had lived in Kenya in its immediate post-colonial years - the emerging two Kenyas distressed me. How could the leaders in Kenya justify Muthaiga and Kawangware, Runda and Korogocho, Karen and Kibera? And how could they justify the Pradas and Mercedes Benz S 500s when millions of Kenyans went to bed hungry every night? You say, blame the IMF and the World Bank? I say, they are being made scapegoats. Granted, their Structural Adjustment Programs have caused enormous pain …. and were probably ill conceived. But that can’t explain why a nation with the human and natural resources Kenya has failed to follow the example of the Asian tigers. So as I finally sit down to eat together with my friends to that food I had taken so much time to prepare this evening, I am flat-out distressed. The only thing that makes me force a smile is that all is not lost. A new breed of Kenyan leaders are emerging – people like Jeff Koinange. They know Kenya ….. and they know the world.

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They are the ones who must lift Kenya off its knees where Kenyatta and Moi and Kibaki have put it……….

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I’ve been thinking about you And I know I don’t say it often enough, But I appreciate all you do. I’ve never known anyone as giving as you. You always go that extra mile. You inspire and encourage me. You make me want to try harder; You make me want to succeed. You’ve made me believe in me. For this and so much more, I’m sending good wishes to your door.

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CHAPTER 2

….. THE GENESIS OF IT ALL …..

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We think alike ………………

I must have my coffee and you want tea. You like dresses and I like jeans. We are as different as day and night But when it comes to friendship we think alike. You are there early and I’m always late But we agree that friendship is great. I can’t carry a tune and you love to sing but we both know, friendship is the most important thing. No matter how different we may be. When it comes to friendship, we agree.

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On August 23,

Jeff called me for the first time.

It was late in the evening. He was at the airport in Johannesburg boarding a plane to Nairobi to cover for CNN the arrival of US-Senator Barrack Obama. We spoke for more than an hour about people we knew and politics in general. We found out that we had many mutual friends although I made for the first time the remark “Do you realize that you know the sons and the daughters - whereas I know the parents?” He also told me that we had another thing in common: He had read in the Media that I had been an Air Hostess before I got married - and he had also worked as a Flight Attendant, first in Kenya and then for PanAm based in Miami before he then decided to study Journalism in New York. He also confessed that ‘one day’ he will enter politics since this had been always a ‘childhood’ dream of his. He insisted to send me the book he had written on his Grandfather. Since I had been asked not to disclose my address here in Spain, I gave him my daughter’s address in Switzerland so he could dispatch the book to her …. Our conversation only finished after somebody approached him saying “Jeff, if you don’t come right now, the plane is leaving without you.!” A couple of hours later he wrote:

Marianne, Somehow you and I have connected in a way I find hard to describe ….. so exciting and at the same time so

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exhilarating …. I could have chatted on the phone all night ….. I feel, we have ‘bonded’ !!!!!!!!!!! I’ve landed in Nairobi and thought of you ….. just as we discussed …. I’m already looking at things differently …. Thank you so much for your trust and kindness !!!!!! Talk soon, JK I wrote to him the same day:

Subject: Kenyan Politics Dear Jeff, I think you have gone to Kenya at the right time ending up in the ODM-Uhuru-Kalonzo-Raila struggles. In 2002 Moi knew from the beginning that Uhuru had no chance. It was a power game which Moi directed from A to Z and Uhuru was the victim but with the knowledge of the Kikuyu-Leaders. And also the splitting up of Kibaki and Raila was a move Moi had calculated or even directed. I know that Mutula Kilonzo wants to become A-G in the next Government. But people should never forget that also here he is just Moi’s proxy although he wrote to me once that he is not ‘carrying anybody’s bag, not even Moi’s’…. but in becoming A-G, Mutula will guarantee that neither Moi, nor his sons or anybody close to him can be made responsible for any scandal of the past.

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From my point of view, this whole ODM is a very dirty game - and it will be very interesting to see how it develops. Especially Moi’s reaction …. I expect him to keep quiet for a while …. And then take distances even from Uhuru. If this happens, it is another game by Moi: it gives Uhuru the possibility to demonstrate that he is separating from Moi and is on his own contrary to 2002. Maybe that’s even the whole reason for this exercise of ODM. But of course, Uhuru cannot do it from one minute to the next. That would look bad in the eyes of the Kikuyus and the Kalenjin where respecting the Elders (and especially Moi) is still a very strong tradition as I have learned in the past. So Uhuru can only move if and when Moi agrees. Not to loose their faces, they will wait a little and then Moi will declare that he does not want to be in the way for Uhuru and Kenya to move on - and of course, everything in the interest and for the welfare of its people …. And the real victim will be at the end Raila - once again. But Raila cannot protest since he is in Moi’s ‘pockets’ since 1997/98 when Moi passed him the Molasses Plant ‘free of charge’, i.e. paying all its debts with the Swiss Banks as Kulei told me in Raila’s presence and even entered as a partner into the company with Kulei as proxy - this Raila even told me himself. At that time the Odingas had financial problems - so Raila accepted Moi’s offer: he supports them financially and also politically in helping them to revive the Molasses Plant and with it gaining prestige in the eyes of the Luos and he offered Raila to become a Member of his Government …. So Raila split with Orengo and Muite joined Kanu and Moi won another term….. 31

But for the 2002 Elections, Raila was a ‘risk’ and therefore Moi switched to Uhuru on the surface but making sure that Kibaki was winning ……… what a cheat this whole 2002 Election has been -……….. Raila knows that I have all this information and that was the reason why he was fearing my evidence in Nairobi. The one who pushed for it was Paul Muite who once was my lawyer at the time of the Dr. Ouko investigations and with whom I was still in contact before coming to Nairobi. We should talk again, don’t you think so? Regards, Marianne On August 25, Jeff replied:

Hey Marianne, I can’t wait to talk to you again ………. I’m in Kisumu waiting for BARRACK OBAMA to ‘finally come home’ Saturday …….. should be GOOD TV ……. Also, don’t forget to watch INSIDE AFRICA tomorrow …. nice story of OPRAH in AFRICA …….. Thanks for sending the book …… I can’t wait to READ !!!! You’re an AMAZING WOMAN …….when will we get to MEET ????????? Stay well ……. JK ************************************* 32

You are the world to me ………there is no one quite like you. You’re the one I love - the pone I want to touch. I give you my heart and I need you so much. Offer me your sweet caresses: Fill me with your wonderful light. Soothe my aching heart; And hold me through the night. The mere sound of your voice summons deep emotion within Like an old familiar song Like the comfort of a fiend. When you’re near, I’m lost to thoughts of love As you touch me with a magic That’s as grand as stars above. I want to hold your hand, I hunger for your kiss. Offer me sweet tidings of true love’s tender bliss. I promise our live shall soar, Carried on the wings of a dove. So give me your heart – and bless me with your love. 33

CHAPTER 3

OPRAH WINFREY PART 1

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Believe in yourself ….. In the power you have to control your own life. Believe in the strength that you have deep inside And your faith will help show you the way. Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring, Let a hopeful heart carry you through. For things will work out if you trust and believe, There’s no limit to what you can do !

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So as he suggested,

I watched Inside-Africa on August 26,

and then wrote to him:

Dear Jeff, Saw the report about OPRAH and I liked it very much and this has given me some ideas about myself. You may recall that I mentioned on the phone that I want to set up a Foundation out of the eventual proceeds of the book to help underprivileged children (of all tribes) to continue with their school and studies. I will not be able to do it as big as OPRAH, but if I can help a few, that’s a lot and if I can get the help of others, it will be more. Now here you could come in: Sam Okello had tried to get into contact with OPRAH to get our book on her Show where she is introducing new books. But he did not get any reply. Can you help me with this? Could you please mention to her the importance of this book and also the Foundation. I am sure, she will like both. This would help me very much to promote and sell the book. And of course, if also CNN could make a Report - even a short one - or just mention it during Inside-Africa. I also know, if somebody like you just mentions it during one of your trips through Africa, this would also be of great help. Please understand me - I do not want to take advantage of our contact for personal reasons. I think, we can really become friends outside our initial contact regarding the book.

36

But I want to reach something with my book. It should help to create some understanding about the dirty political games not only in Kenya - and it could help some children to maybe shape the future of their country in offering them better education. Maybe we even create some future leaders - like OPRAH also has envisaged with her project in South Africa. I will also contact some people like Dr. Njoroge Mungai to assist. I have already established the contact between him and Father Angelo d’Agostini from the Nyumbani Village for Aids Orphans. Father d’Ag is an old friend of mine and he always wanted to get into contact with Njoroge but did not know how. So I managed and the two have met and now Njoroge has come into his project to help these children. Nyumbani is mentioned also in my book as Mercy Home for Children and it is true that the money for my stay which the Government had agreed to pay went to them (abt. 1 Million Sh.) since I stayed at the house of friends (they are really horse breeders and Gideon Moi really came there since he had some of his horses with them). Father d’Ag has read the script of my book before it went to the Publisher and he loved it. He also mentioned that he knew about the ‘secret’ (Moi’s girls) …. so did an Official of the Swiss Embassy. I hope, you find time to read my mail. I do not expect an immediate answer - although I have to admit that I love talking to you. Enjoy your stay in Kenya - I wish I could be there too. Marianne

37

Much to my surprise Jeff replied immediately:

Marianne, I think your idea about a school is GREAT ….. and so is the BOOK promotion thing on OPRAH ….. but I think we have to take this slowly as I have just ‘established’ a relationship with her and I don’t want to seem like I’m taking advantage of that ….. TIMING is everything they say ….. we need to find the right time and the right ‘PLUG’ for both stories ….. Let me think this through and maybe both of us can come up with a GOOD PLAN TO ‘SELL’ the idea ….. I’m sure OPRAH would be ‘HAPPY’ that someone else is taking up the ‘mantle’ and doing what she’s done in South Africa ….. By the way, she told me that her next school will be in KENYA …. Apparently she’s GOOD friends with WANGARI MAATHAI and the two have spent time together in Chicago and Wangari ‘sold’ her the idea of replicating the school in Kenya ….. Maybe you two can collaborate and ‘build’ it …. now that would be a GREAT idea …. you would need some ‘land’ (50 acres) with a ‘real’ Title Deed …. and the proper license for an INDEPENDENT school ….. think about that aspect and let’s keep discussing this ….. I too LOVE talking to you ….. I feel like I’ve known you ALL MY LIFE !!!!!!! I’ll call you soon ……. while I’m still in Kenya ….. By the way, I ran into ‘TOTAL MAN’ Nicholas Biwott at the Norfolk (where I usually stay) ….. he walked up to me and gave me a BIG HUG (I 38

felt a chill go up my spine !!!!!). He said all of KENYA is proud of what I do ….. I wanted to tell him, it’s people like him that have given KENYA A BAD NAME !!!!!!!!! I ran to my room and took a quick shower after that ….. I felt so DIRTY with that HUG !!!!!!!!!! Be well, my friend ……. and we’ll talk soon. Jeff ******* After reading Jeff’s mail, I was struck by a thought that hadn’t hit me since the start of our correspondence. I wondered how safe it was for him to communicate with me via a Turner-Broadcasting email-address…. But because we had just met and since he sounded intelligent enough, I assumed that he knew what he was doing ……. Boy - was I wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**************************************

Every day, my mind paints a picture of you …….. 39

……. and then of us. And suddenly we’re the stars In a romantic movie made for two, Our bodies entwined ……… And I can’t stop these fantasies, I don’t even wish to. For when my mind finds you, I fill in the missing pieces That the distance between us creates And nourish my heart with the images it craves. And I can’t stop it, Fool I’d be to want to. For my whole body Feels your touch, Which is as light as the whisper of butterfly wings, Yet strong enough to inflame every nerve, And fill my being until I’m satisfied That we’re one in body and spirit. And I can’t stop it ………….. Why should I want to ??????????????? 40

CHAPTER 4

JEFF KOINANGE’S POLITICAL ‘ DREAMS ‘

41

So many times I think of you And wonder how you are. There are many miles between us And yet, you’re not that far. I wonder if you’re happy And hope you’re doing fine And if you ever miss me And do I cross your mind. So many nights, I dream of you You’re welded in my heart And in my dreams, we love again And never do we part.

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The following day,

August 28, with me his political dreams.

Jeff wrote - sharing

It was the first time he sounded really serious about leading Kenya. And it was also the first time I took him seriously about his this desire. My reasoning was, he was from a good family, had name recognition, had friends all around the world who would back up his campaign with cash and moral support. Heck yes, this guy could really be President. But I digress. ******** Here is what he said in his email:

Marianne, ………. OBAMA-MANIA has been UNBELIEVABLE ….. And since I spoke to you, I’m now looking at KENYA with a different light …. you have ‘opened’ my eyes in many ways …. and for that I shall forever be GRATEFUL!!!!!! And seeing OBAMA looking so PRESEDENTIAL and so dignified (and ‘untainted’) makes me really think about what I told you the other day …… that one day I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT of this country ……. To be HONEST, I’ve wanted nothing else since I was a small boy growing up …..

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I just didn’t know how I would ever achieve it has been an AMAZING journey of discovery for get to ‘brush shoulders’ with the very BEST very WORST ….. and I get a FRONT ROW HISTORY …..

….. CNN me ….. I and the seat to

And every day I feel I want to change things ….. that I can change things ….. and one day, GOD willing, I will…. Chatting to you makes me feel, all this was meant to be….. Stay well ….. and let’s keep chatting. Always, Jeff

I still recall that after reading this letter from Jeff, I wiped a tear. Here was a man who - as he had so forcefully stated in the email - got a front-row seat to history. But what had he really seen? Hunger and Starvation in Darfur …. Katrina in the States ..... death and mayhem in Baghdad …… a Tsunami in Indonesia …… senseless murder in Rwanda ……. What was our generation passing on to future generations that Jeff could point to as positive history? Wasn’t it the case that for every good thing going on there were three or four counters? And that being the case, was a front-row seat to dark history worth it? Was man still just as primitive as the Zinjanthropus?

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With the passage of time, I would like to know what a man like Jeff really thought about all this ……………..

********

August 29 started off just like any other day.

The sun shone bright in the eastern horizon, causing a rolling sense of ocean-blue to intermingle with the golden reflection of the sun. And in keeping with tradition, the temperatures were already soaring. But that didn’t keep me from remembering Jeff’s email the previous night. He said he wanted to be President of Kenya ….. and that he has had the privilege of watching history glide by. Putting it all in perspective, here is what I told Jeff:

Dear Jeff, You should have seen me smiling when I read your email. But let’s agree: you will not just dream - but you will become the President of your country and I hope, very soon ….. And you are right, CNN is the best platform you can get to achieve this goal. It is a perfect way to enter the ‘arena’ since people know you already and you do not have to work your way up ‘climbing the ladder’ step by step. On the contrary, you can start from the top. Regarding ‘opening your eyes’ …… you are not the first one in Kenya who feels like that. As one of the Committee members said, I have been influencing Kenyan politics since many years. Some even 45

believe - and so does Moi, as I was told - that I was responsible for the Multi-Party System. Here is the reason: After Dr. Ouko was killed and I had been in contact with the Scotland Yard, I was told that I should hire a lawyer in Kenya. John F. Addley from Kaplan & Stratton had been my lawyer - but he also was Moi’s private lawyer at that time. So he could not continue with me. I contacted George Waruhiu whom I knew together with his wife Rose as friends. He proposed to take his partner, Paul Muite. I sesnt to Paul Muite all my documents, all the information I had also given to the Scotland Yard and I put him into contact with Superintendent John Troon. Result: First, Muite’s office was searched by the police and then he was even arrested. He came out, but his passport was seized ….. But this was the beginning of his political career. In having read my documents and having received all further information from me regarding the corruption, the killings, etc. ….. he decided to go into politics which he had never thought about before ….. I also gave him the ‘permission’ to use all the information from me to help other people who had been arrested. You could even call it ‘blackmailing them out of prison’ …. I know, he did so in the case of Kenneth Matiba and also John Khamwinwa ….. Muite went to Moi and told him that I had given him all the evidence about the corruption and 46

the details of each deal. He then also got into contact with certain foreign embassies like the American (he also told me that they were keeping for him all the documents I had sent to him in their Safe so when the Kenya Police searched his office, they did not find anything) ….. But all this was finally leading to the Multi-Party System of which Muite was a promoter and founder together with Matiba. I was in contact with him during all these years and this was also the reason why he accepted to become the Vice-Chairman of the new Dr. Ouko Inquiry. Muite wanted to make sure that I was allowed to give personal evidence. Something I had not been allowed to do in the past where Moi even disbanded the Gicheru Commission at the moment the summons for me had been issued by Chunga (which he confirmed now in front of Sunguh). Muite also knew about my contacts with Raila Odinga in 2000 and he told me that besides Moi and Biwott, also Raila was trying to block me from coming to Nairobi. So in the end, it was only thanks to Muite and his lobbying that I could give evidence in Nairobi. But he had to step down as Vice-Chairman because Biwott and Kilonzo told the Committee that he was not ‘neutral’ since he was not only my lawyer, but also a partner in my company BAK when it was registered in Kenya in 1989 (this was something I did not even know since the registration was done by George Waruhiu’s law firm and I did not know that Muite entered in the registration form as a ‘partner’). So you see, I have a reputation of ‘creating troubles’ as Biwott once said.

47

But I must admit, I am proud to have been at least a little bit able to ‘stir the soup’ or like Dr. Mungai once called it to have helped to light the ‘candle of democracy’ in Kenya ….. And you will make sure that this burning ……

‘candle’

continues

Agreed ???????????? Marianne I had expected Jeff to be too busy with the OBAMA festivities to reply soon, but he wrote already the following day:

Hey there, my ‘Shining Star’ …. I managed to buy a few copies of MY book here in Nairobi and I’ll FEDEX your signed copy to your daughter’s address by Friday …. Please let me know what you think ….. my dream was always to get it approved in High Schools for children to ‘learn’ a bit about their HISTORY !!!!!!!! Your comments will be GRATELY appreciated !!!!!!!!!!!! I was with some friends last night, among them Wacuka Mungai (Evelyn Mungai’s daughter ….. you had mentioned Evelyn as one of your friends from the ‘past’) and I ‘dropped’ your name just to see if I would get a reaction …… Wacuka immediately said she knew you because you were a GOOD friend of Dr. Mungai …. (no relation) …. SMALL world !!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care and talk soon. JK 48

I wondered what he meant by GOOD friend, but I decided to let the day pass before replying. I knew that he was in the middle of an Obama uprising. All Kenya was crazy about the native son….. But on August 31, I wrote:

Dear Jeff, I feel the same - I am very happy that we seem to have the same way of thinking, planning and maybe also acting (the last refers to your political future in Kenya). Regarding Dr. Mungai: Yes, I always had the ‘stamp’ to be ‘Mungai’s woman’, i.e. ‘untouchable’ for any other Kenyan man (contrary to the ‘rubbish’ Biwott has published in the Media where he described me for having had ‘love affairs with half of Moi’s Cabinet …’). You will read in my book that Njoroge and I renewed our relationship after Biwott had asked for my extradition in 1981. And when - upon Moi’s pressure - I came back to Kenya around 1986, it was under the condition that the relationship between Moi and me was not renewed. It was strictly ‘business for me’ ….. He (Moi) did not like it - but he finally accepted. Especially since I was not embarrassing him by going out with Dr. Mungai whenever I was in Kenya for official Government Business. I made a clear cut between my professional and my private life (something Dr. Mungai did not understand - but also he accepted in the end). So my relationship with him took place mainly outside Kenya since he used to visit me in Switzerland quite regularly and we also started to travel together.

49

But still, also in Kenya I was the ‘wife of a KenyattaKikuyu’ as Prof. Sam Ongeri once called it and nobody wanted to ‘mess-up’ with Dr. Mungai. This fact was even leading to a question by Dr. Oburu Odinga during my Nairobi Evidence, if it could not be possible that my problems in Kenya were ‘connected’ to the fact that I had an ongoing relationship with Dr. Mungai which maybe President Moi did not like …… Marianne For two straight days, Jeff did not reply to my mail ….. busy with Obama-mania again? I doubted it. Something had to have gone wrong ….. Or had Jeff even been told to ‘cut’ links with me? Could that be possible? Whatever the case, on September 2, I decided to break the cold ice and wrote:

Dear Jeff, You may decide not to answer, following questions:

but I still pose the

What about my proposal to get into contact with Gor Sunguh? There was never any reaction or comment from your side. What about the email-address of Prof. Maathai ….. if you are not able (or willing) to give it to me, let me know at least. What about your initial intention to arrange an interview with CNN?

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Let me end with the following (since I have the strong impression that you - for whatever reason - have decided or have been told to cut any future contact with me): If I have been able to open your eyes about certain people and certain things in Kenya, then I have already achieved my goal - I think. What more could I have asked for anyway. I wish you all the best - private and professional - and maybe one day you will really be the Leader of your country and can prove that you are able to fulfill your intention of guiding it into a brighter future. Marianne Briner Two days passed without any message from Jeff and I already saw all my fears become reality: he must have decided or must have been told to stop any contact with me ….. But then, on September 3, a quite upset Jeff wrote:

Marianne, I’m shocked that you would think that ANYONE would tell me to CUT-OFF contact with you ….. NO-ONE tells me what to do ….. I try to be my own person whether people like it or NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would NEVER cut-off links with someone I’ve grown to LIKE and RESPECT in such a short time…… Regarding Gor Sunguh, I simply didn’t have the time to get in touch ….. too busy chasing OBAMA and getting my stories on the AIR ….. which is ALWAYS my priority….. 51

Wangari’s email is DIFFICULT to get and I haven’t been successful to date ….. however, I haven’t given up and as soon as I get it, I shall more than happily forward it to you ……. PLEASE don’t get ‘paranoid’ with me ….. you can be yourself with me anytime and anywhere ….. I respect you too much to ‘let you down’ in any way…….. I wish we could MEET and then you would know the kind of person I am ….. but for now, you’ll have to TRUST me …. as I do YOU!!!!! Talk soon ….. and keep ‘smiling’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK After having read Jeff’s reassuring mail, I wrote back:

I know, I am sometimes too impulsive and maybe I should have thought it over - but please understand me, I have been disappointed in the last years by too many people I believed I could trust. If you knew me better, you would realize that I am a very open and honest person and my biggest mistake has been - and still is - that I expect the same from the people I am dealing with. My daughter is much more careful and always tells me that I am hurting only myself in trusting people too easily. As Dr. Mungai always says, she is much more ‘intelligent’ and especially much more ‘clever’ than me.

52

So, if I have hurt your feelings, I apologize and I really mean it. I would be more than happy to have you as a friend. By the way, I liked your Report on OBAMA. I only found it too short (private remark: I especially missed you ‘seeing’ you in this - hearing your voice is nice - but being able to see also your face, would have been ‘nicer’….. Still your friend, Marianne Jeff called later the same day and told me that he was taking two weeks off before going back to Joburg. So in case I would not hear from him, become ‘nervous’ again …….

I should not

******** And so, my friends, what you see here is a relationship that started out very professionally and with lofty aims. But none of those aims and dreams would see the light of day because soon after, the professional gave way to a ‘distant’ love affair. To naked, uncontrolled lust. I promise to tell you the torrid nature of it ….. all of it. But if you are put off by sleazy stuff, this is a good point to put this book down and stop reading right now. For the rest of you, fasten your seatbelts.

53

Neither I nor Jeff have ever been ‘slow drivers’ in our life ………………………………… ***********************

54

From each other……. Behind closed doors we can leave winter outside. We can shut off the phone, shut out all communication. From the world beyond our realm. We can open a new channel, Forget our trade and our tools, And dream a new dream, Follow a new path of existence. We can alter our beliefs and grow beyond them. We can remove ourselves from the day and the night – Awake at midnight, Dance at dawn. We can change who we are, Remove ourselves from what we are. But we can never remove ourselves from each other ……… 55

CHAPTER 5

A ‘DOUBLE-FACED’ JEFF KOINANGE APPEARS

56

Sweethearts ….. You said, that in time, we could be …… And I waited for what seemed eternity. I thought you knew how much I cared. For you, my soul, I wanted to bare. I want to be able to show you my heart, But I live in fear that you’ll tear it apart. I know that if we tried we could be great, So show me yours and not too late. I can’t wait forever, though I know I could …. If you said you loved me too, that would be good….. But till that day I’ll pretend to be fine …. Until the day you say you’re mine !

57

Although Jeff had told me that he wanted to take two weeks

off before going back to Johannesburg, I decided to send him the script of a new book which Sam Okello had written under the title ‘Her Excellency’ and had asked me if I would be interested to enter as a co-author. I did not know if I should and asked Jeff what he was thinking about this. I also knew that Sam wanted Jeff to write a forward to it and was curious to hear his reply. Finally on September 11, he wrote to me regarding this via his BlackBerry:

Marianne, I usually make it a point NOT to check my emails and worse yet to reply while I’m on vacation but I’ll make an exception in your case….. First of all let me ask you, what was your INTENTION when you put your name to the book????? If in fact Sam has written more than 95-percent of the book, then your thoughts are very few in it …… and yes, you will PISSOFF many Kikuyus and especially your ‘friend’ Dr. Mungai……. H.E. is also coming up too close after the ‘Shining Star’ and my fear is the latter will get ‘buried’ because everyone thinks they know how and why Dr. Bob was killed ….. even though they obviously don’t know the REAL story …… H.E. would probably be a ‘hot seller’ simply because next year is an election year in Kenya!!!!! The bottom line is whether you care or don’t care what anyone thinks and says about collaborating on this effort……

58

Having said that, I have read H.E. and found it highly amusing and very ‘readable’ …… but obviously H.E. is written for a local audience, right?????? It seems limited to a mostly Kenyan audience because some of the ‘language’ and nuances are very ‘local’ and someone from the outside might have difficulty understanding parts of it …. but overall a GOOD read indeed!!!!!!! Talk soon and good luck with your decision …… JK Respecting his wish to have some quiet days, I only replied on September 18:

You asked for my intentions: it is not the money since I am planning to also put this into the Foundation. But I would like to open the eyes of the people before the next Election to let them see how they have been cheated and how they might be cheated again if nobody stops these power games of the same people like last time. What is worrying me most though is the fact that Biwott is also coming up again and may play a major part in the future destiny of Kenya. Here is a man who has been implicated for the killing not only of Dr. Ouko but according to Scotland Yard in some others (Troon has presented a list of abt. 18 people whose bodies should be exhumed and their cause of death investigated) - all connected to the Dr. Ouko case - and in all of them he has implicated also Biwott. A bodyguard of Biwott was arrested at Heathrow Airport carrying a gun and has confirmed that he was sent by Biwott to kill Troon etc. etc. - the Sunguh Report 59

recommends the arrest or at least investigation against Biwott, and he still goes around in Kenya - again having come close to Moi - and may play a major part in politics …… and with that deciding on the future of more than 30 Million people. That’s bothering me and may bring me to the decision to say ‘yes’ to H.E. - in case I do, I will send a letter to Njoroge explaining to him why. I will remind him of the love we once shared and the admiration he still holds for my daughter which is mutual also from her side. Maybe he will understand. But I have not made up my mind yet. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you at this stage. Marianne As I mentioned before, Sam Okello had asked Jeff if he would be willing to write a forward of his new book, ‘Her Excellency’ (H.E.). And here is Jeff’s reply to Sam - and then his comments addressed to me regarding the same subject.. A quite ‘double-faced’ Jeff emerged - very protective about his reputation and at the same time hiding his real reasons behind some nice polite remarks - I therefore regard only his letter to me as the only sincere one …… But decide for yourself……. First his letter to Sam dated September 21:

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Hi Sam, First of all let my say I’m a BIG fan of your work. I’ve read ‘A Shining Star in Darkness’ as well ‘The Day Bob Died’ and found them both FASCINATING and GRIPPING. It takes a lot of guts to write what you did and both you and Marianne deserve a nation’s GRATITUDE for a job well done. I’ve also read ‘Her Excellency’ and found it timely, constructive and very credible (not to mention very ‘tongue-in cheek’). However, to write a forward about this latest ‘epic’ in Kenya’s colorful history would be unfair and unjust as I plan to cover the Kenya elections next year for CNN and being associated with this book would be a conflict of interest and might NOT reflect well in my endeavor to be as OBJECTIVE as I can when reporting the NEWS. I am however deeply humbled that you would consider me to do this and hopefully down the line we can do something together. Good luck with ‘Her Excellency’ congratulations on all your achievements.

and

again,

Jeff

And here is his letter to me regarding the same subject - and reading it, you will realize that here the ‘true’ Jeff Koinange is writing:

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Marianne, I hope you noticed that I ‘BLIND-COPIED’ you (bcc) on Sam’s reply …… I did not want him to know I was copying you as well ….. I figured he’d gone behind your back to ask me because I felt you hadn’t endorsed him to check with me…… I would have felt VERY uncomfortable writing the forward to something as potentially ‘EXPLOSIVE’ as this….. it wouldn’t be in ‘GOOD TASTE’ for me given my own political ambitions ….. it would sound more like ‘sour grapes’ than an endorsement of the book…… And that’s what you might want to consider as well….. if I were you, I’d ‘steer away’ from this ….. you already have one VERY credible book in your ‘corner’ with ‘Shining Star’ and you’ve ‘ruffed’ enough feathers ….. besides, if you want to be in ‘Wangari’s’ good books, you’d be advised to stay away from this as she’s from Nyeri and is still very close to Kibaki (Kabuku)…. Again, if I were you, I’d OPT-OUT NOW from ‘ HER EXCELLENCY ‘ …… that’s my honest opinion to someone I consider a DEAR FRIEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

************** When reading these two ‘versions’, you immediately realize where and when he says the truth.

will

It’s not because of CNN - it is clearly because he does not want to ‘block’ his own political ambitions in getting involved in this. 62

By the way, when he wrote to Sam he had not read the ‘Shining Star’ yet - he only knew the first two chapters which had been published in the Internet. The whole book he only read some months later – actually after I had sent him a signed copy at the end of December, he confirmed to have finished to read it only in January 2007……… so even in this small detail he was not honest ….. And to complete the ‘picture’: He told me on the phone that he did not hear anything about Sam Okello until he saw his name on my book cover - neither did he know any of his other books. So much to Jeff Koinange - the ‘honest and truthful’ man.

************* To complete the picture: Sam Okello had also approached Gor Sunguh to write a forward to his new book ‘Her Excellency’ – again without consulting with me first. Gor asked me about my opinion – and as a reply I sent to him Jeff’s comments. Gor then decided to also step out of this and thanked me for this advise. Jeff’s comments to this: ‘Of course Sunguh is listening to you ……… it was more than wise of him to do so ……….’

********************************

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I love your eyes and the way they look Inside me and know exactly what I need …... But I don’t love you because of them. I love your smile and the way it Sends warmth to my heart ….. But I don’t love you because of it. I love your voice and the way it reaches Inside and lifts the darkness …… But I don’t love you because of it. I love your touch and the way it smoothes away The knots of tension …… But I don’t love you because of it. I’ll never love you because of who you are Or what you do ……. But I’ll always love you Because of what we are when we’re together! 64

CHAPTER 6

THE ‘CRAZINESS’ STARTS CROPPING IN …………

65

“ A “ is for Attitude “ T “ is for the crazy Tingle “ T “ is for all the Teasing “ I “ is for feeling to Incredible “ T “ is for Tender love “ U“ how your eyes Undress me “ D “ is for please Don’t ever stop “ E “ is for the feeling of Ecstasy ---------------------------If you can put it all together, You will discover my sexy little “ Attitude “ 66

Having come back from his holidays on September 25,

he first called and then sent me by email a private photo showing him and Nelson Mandela (Madiba) adding the line ‘ Sharing a special moment with a special friend ‘ ……… He then told me that there might be the possibility for us to meet during the annual CNN-Conference which was scheduled to take place in London at the end of October (it ws late postponed to February 2007). He then also informed me that he was going to Darfur (Sudan) the following week ……. *********** After having finished our quite long telephone conversation where at one point he interrupted me saying ‘you really talk too much …’, I wrote:

It was really nice talking to you - and regarding your remark ‘you really talk too much’ - just tell me next time ‘pole, pole’ - and I will understand …. Anyway, I will try to meet you in London - and for now - have a safe trip to Darfur and do your reputation justice to be a fearless and very informative strong journalist. Marianne

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Jeff’ s immediate answer:

When I told you that you talk too much, I was ONLY joking …. I LOVE it when you talk ….. and open up and speak your mind ….. that’s YOU ….. and I LOVE IT !!!! Don’t you EVER change ….. and I really look forward to meeting you in LONDON …… I REALLY WISH I CAN MAKE IT …… I’ll keep you posted. Take care and GREAT talking to you as always…… I feel like I’ve KNOWN you ALL MY LIFE !!!!!!!!! JK When he called for a second time that day, I asked him to tell me more about his private life. I had seen the wedding ring in the photo he had sent - but he avoided a direct reply …. only after I insisted, he wrote:

Ha Ha Ha ……. You’re TOO observant ….. maybe even too INQUISITIVE …… Yes, I am married ….. to a lovely Kenyan Indian (Muslima) from Mombasa ……. Funny you should bring that up now as tomorrow (Sept. 26th) is our 8th anniversary ….. time flies ….. we have NO children so far ….. I GUESS I’m never home that often enough ….. That’s about it - about my surprises, I promise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘secrets’

-

no more

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I was also married once before ….. to an American woman when I lived there ….. no kids there either ……. Like you, I’ve been ‘around the block’ a few times !!!!!!! JK The following morning he called again and for the first time started to talk about having ‘an intimate relationship’ with me ……I was shocked and told him that ‘I could easily be his mother …..’ A few minutes after we had finished our conversation on the phone, he wrote:

Are you afraid I might ‘hit on you’ ??????? I told you, I have an ‘old’ SOUL ….. and besides, if anything were to happen between you and I, it would be MUTUAL ….. I have NEVER done anything with anyone who didn’t want to do it ….. so it’s up to US ….. Besides, I think we’ve already established that there’s something ELSE besides intelligence and good conversation between us ….. there’s almost a SEXUAL CHEMISTRY ….. so, we’ll wait to ‘explore’ that when / if we meet in London !!!!!!! Don’t worry, I don’t get ‘offended’ if / when ‘rejected’ ….. believe me, I’m a VERY shy person (except when in front of the camera) but when I ‘feel’ something stirring in me about someone, then I ‘explore’ it …. and follow through !!!!!! Does this make sense ???????? And don’t worry about being my ‘mother’ ….. remember Oedipus ?????????

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We leave early tomorrow morning for Nairobi and straight thru to Khartoum ….. By the way, I just learned that a story I did on the Famine in Niger last year has just won an EMMY Award in New York last night ….. not bad, eh !!!!!!!! JK I replied:

Congratulations for the were good ……..

EMMY

-

I always knew you

By the way, I have the picture showing you and Mandela framed here in front of me - although I am still not sure which one I like better, Madiba or you ….. for the moment I settle on both ……… I do not go into the other subject you raised - you made me blush - but I try to be realistic - although I have to admit that you are a very attractive man (don’t’ worry, I will never repeat this - but just for once I had to say it). God bless you, Marianne Five minutes later came his reply:

Ha Ha Ha ….. you make me SMILE ….. you are so CONFIDENT one minute, yet so SHY the next ….. you can say it ….. don’t be AFRAID ….. remember, you always said you’re NOT afraid to tell the TRUTH !!!!!!!! So if you FEEL like I do, then say it ………..

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Otherwise, we’ll just wait and see what happens in London !!!!!!!!! And if NOTHING happens, that’s OK too …… I don’t want to put you in an EMBARRASSING situation ….. Thanks for the kind words on the EMMY ….. I do what I do because I LOVE what I do ….. but when I get an award for it, it makes me realize I was BORN to do this……….. As for the picture, here is one of me WITHOUT Madiba …… that way, you don’t have to TORTUR yourself choosing !!!!!!!! Always, JK And my answer:

Let’s change the subject, please …….. that is for me like walking on ‘slippery sand’ - it’s not that I am not tempted ……. You are exactly the type of man I always preferred and I am also sure that you are a good lover ….. I hope, this makes YOU blush now ……. Marianne Jeff - two minutes later:

Ha Ha Ha ….. YES, I am BLUSHING !!!!!!!! And HAPPY to do it as well ….. I am sure, you are a GREAT lover as

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well ….. and somehow I believe in KISMET ??????????

FATE ….. or is it

Thanks for making me SMILE today …….. Xoxoxox JK

He then called again – for the third time that day elaborating again on his ‘dreams’ regarding London - and after he realized that I had problems talking about such intimate things over the phone, he wrote:

Like I told you, I’m a VERY shy person in general ….. but when I ‘CONNECT’ with someone ….. and it doesn’t HAPPEN very often - but when it does - WATCHOUT…. I’m like BULL DOG …… HARD TO LET GO ….. You have a lovely VOICE ….. with that GERMAN/SWISS flavor to it ….. and your laugh is VERY throaty ….. full of energy ….. and most of all, your mind is FULL of ideas …. very ALIVE and ALWAYS wanting to explore and DISCOVER ………. So, having said that, it’s UP TO YOU to discover ME!!!!!!!! END OF THE SUBJECT …… FOR NOW !!!!!!!!!! JK

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My comment:

I agree - let’s go on the ‘road of discovery’ - end of the subject and full stop ………… Marianne And he one minute later:

………… Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo……. PLEASE DON’T STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, you can’t fight SEXUAL CHEMISTRY …………. it doesn’t COME around everyday …….. and when TWO SOULS MEET, it’s MAGIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU and I have SOMETHING ….. and YOU CAN’T DENY IT …… and YOU CAN’T FIGHT IT EITHER !!!!!!! So, the best thing is to GIVE IN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! What says you ???????????????? JK My reply:

You really do not give up - I like that ….. You know that already your voice is very ‘sexy’ and it sometimes changes its tone - very soothing, very tempting ……… I wonder, how many women did tell you that already in the past ??????????????? Marianne

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Soon after I added:

I hope you have left the office to spend a quiet evening with your wife and maybe celebrating with her the EmmyAward. Anyway, since I am sure you will sometimes check your mail and because I want you to smile another time before embarking on the serious journey to the Sudan, here some details about ‘more men’ in my life. Don’t worry - it is not a list - just a few, but maybe interesting: There was also Harry Bellafonte - introduced by Sal and a new experience for me, i.e. with two men at the same time. It was fun and very exciting - but then Sal got jealous and also Bellafonte - they did not want to ‘share’ anymore. I have met Bellafonte later also in Zurich - he gave once also a concert and invited Sassa and me and sung for her as a special song ‘Malaika’. Then during my time at the Swiss Television, I met Placido Domingo. Very attractive and a very good lover. With him I got my first Spanish lessons - in the meantime I speak fluently. Also during the Television time, I met Julio Iglesias and spent two months with him on the Bahamas. These are my ‘Out of Africa’ men …… good mixture don’t you agree? What about you you……..

-

since you told me to ‘explore’

But let’s become serious now:

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stay well - and let me know sometimes how you are, if you can. Love, Marianne To my big surprise, Jeff wrote immediately back via his BlackBerry:

I was driving on my way home when I read your mail and I almost crashed the car ….. WOW!!!!!!!! Harry and Sal TOGETHER ????????? I like you even more NOW!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!! I will tell you about my ‘adventures’ soon…. but nowhere near as exciting as you …… I haven’t slept with any stars like you …….. but I’ve done some THREE-SOMES and FOUR-SOMES ………………. and I LOVED them …….. Now I REALLY want to MAKE LOVE TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for making my day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK I replied:

I only hope you delete my messages - this is only for you - and nobody knows this except you - the media in Kenya would have liked to get hold of this, I guess.

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Sorry that you almost crashed - but since it was ‘only almost’, I am relaxed - you are still needed some where, some time …….. But now I let you enjoy your evening. Marianne But then he even called me out of the car “ YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY AND I REALLY WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU ….”. I told him to stop talking about this and better concentrate on the traffic otherwise he might REALLY ‘crash’ ……….. To this he replied via his BlackBerry:

Ha Ha Ha …………… even if I’d crashed, it would have been worth it !!!!!!!!!! Wow….. what a story ……. and don’t worry, your secrets are SAFE with me …… But tell me, why the silence when I said, I now REALLY want to make LOVE TO YOU ???????????? Your silence is defeaning !!!!!!!!!!! Talk to me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK I hesitated for some minutes, but then I finally wrote:

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What would you say if I would admit that since I first spoke to you I am thinking about making love to you …. what if we meet and then realize that it was a dream … nothing else? But I still continue dreaming ….. are you now satisfied????? Marianne And Jeff one minute later - still from the car: I think that when we make LOVE, it will be MAGIC ….. Thank you for being soooooooooooo HONEST !!!!!!!! You’re an AMAZING AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!!!

woman,

Marianne ….. simply

Lots of LOVE, JK I must admit that I had a quite sleepless night after all this talking about ‘making love’ So the following day I wrote to him very early in the morning:

I hope at least you slept well - I didn’t. But I have come up with an idea: why don’t you come to Spain at the end of October? You could tell CNN that you want to make an interview with me or something like that.

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I would feel ‘safer’ in my own ‘territory’ - London in October is foggy and cold, the Spanish sun especially here in the South would be much better. Marianne Jeff replied a short while later via his BlackBerry already preparing himself to catch the flight for Nairobi and from there to Khartoum:

It’s funny you should talk about sleep or lack of it ….. I woke up at 3 am after a very ‘vivid’ dream of MAKING LOVE to someone I’ve never met !!!!!!!!! It was an unbelievable feeling ….. I’m sorry if I was the cause of our sleepless night. Malaga sounds very tempting but unrealistic for now …. After my dream last night, I WANT YOU EVEN MORE NOW ……… IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT THE SEXUAL CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US IS VERY REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m leaving for the airport shortly and we can keep chatting for the next couple of hours ….. and I promise, I won’t make you too HORNY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK He then called twice from the Airport …. Always the same subject ………… I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU - I NEED TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU ……. And then in writing:

…. About my dream last night….. 78

You and I were having a wonderful dinner with some lovely red wine and the conversation was flowing and I was stroking your hand and you were rubbing me and then after desert and brandy, we headed to my room and as soon as were in, we started kissing passionately and slowly I started taking off your clothes and you were a bit shy and I reassured you telling you were in SAFE hands and you let go and I undressed you completely and you undressed me and you held on to something that was nice and hard ………. In the meantime, I started to explore your body, licking you and kissing you and when I got down between your legs, I started to kiss you more and lick you more and you started moaning and groaning and saying ‘please don’t stop’ …….. Should I stop now or should I continue ???????????? My dream was VERY VIVID !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me know if you want me to go on ……….. AND DON’T YOU EVER SHOW THIS TO ANYONE !!!!!!!!! JK

Five minutes later he added:

One more thing: by the time I was sliding INSIDE you, we were both in seventh Heaven ….. and it went on and on until I woke up at 3 am …………. WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ________________________________________

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I replied:

If I was blushing yesterday when we were talking, it was nothing compared with now. I almost did not dare to read what you were saying about your dream. I still have to digest - but maybe we can make it reality - and if you forget what you were saying, I will take this message with me and you will have to fulfill every part of it. I know, you are smiling now - and that’s what I wanted to reach. And now I am going to swim ………. Marianne Jeff one minute later:

Ha Ha Ha ……… I urge you to HOLD me to EVERY word!!!!!!!!! Enjoy the swim ……… talk soon, my Princess !!!!!!!!!!! _______________________________________________

Although I was already at the door to go down to the pool, I sat down again and wrote:

I dreamed the opposite …… I was kissing you ….. everywhere ……… Now you know what to expect ……… if …………….

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And Jeff:

Not IF ……… WHEN ??????????????? I can’t wait to feel your lips, your skin, your smell, your EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!! Departure in one hour ……… how I wish the destination was Malaga !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kisses, JK I answered:

Do not forget to write to me also during the next two weeks ….. You are in my heart, Marianne And his response:

I’m glad, I’m in your heart ……….. I just wish I was INSIDE YOU right now !!!!!!!!!!!! All I want is to make you feel like a REAL woman again…. and to make you laugh and feel ‘wanted’ again…………. I have everything a man can want in life right now …. except children for now …….. but I feel, you deserve to feel ‘wanted’ and ‘wanting’ again. Is that too much to ask ?????????????

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Marianne, PLEASE let me make you feel the way you once felt !!!!!!!!!!!!! The plane is taxiing ………. talk to you soon ……….. JK And my last mail that day:

I know that you are a very lucky and happy man - and I know my position in this: I will - if ever - only be a visitor - a ‘passing cloud’ ………. But it would be nice to pretend - maybe only just for once. Marianne When reading in the evening again our correspondence of the day, one idea struck me: He had told me before that this was the day of his 8th Wedding Anniversary (September 26th). So why did he not make love to his wife instead of having ‘a sleepless night’ dreaming about me ………..? Something was obviously very wrong here. But since I had already understood that his private life was ‘off-limits’ for me, I decided that it was not my business to start an interrogation. If one day he should feel like talking, he knew I would listen …….. 82

I just had to wait until the time was right.

**************************

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If only you knew, How my heart overflows with love for you. If only you could see the way you fill my hopes and dreams. You’re the owner of my heart, The ruler supreme…………. Even in the dark of night, I’ve only to think about you to feel your loving light And from this world I drift feeling as if I’ll never touch the ground again ….. If only you knew………… If only you could guess How I hear your voice when others speak; For you hold the key to my happiness, And it’s always you my soul seeks………

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If only you could feel How your presence has the power to heal All the wounds inside me. You’ve made me abandon the pain of yesterday, And you’ve shown me that the past can no longer Stand in the way of what I hope to achieve ….. If only you knew ……….. If only you could realize the way you’ve shown me That it’s better to give than to take. And whatever I do, I do for your sake. I’m willing to give you all and expect nothing in return. But, oh how I yearn for you ………….. If only you knew ……………

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CHAPTER 7

KHARTOUM THE CRAZINESS CONTINUES

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Dreaming …………..

When I close my eyes at night, I wish you were here holding me tight. I wish you could look deep in my eyes, And tell me that I mean the world to you. And loving me is all you want to do. Cause’ all I want to do is to be loved by you.

I wish you could whisper in my ear And tell me you want me near. Loving you is all I have in my mind, And I will love you time after sweet time. And when I close my eyes tonight, I will dream of you holding me tight……..

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It was a cool day in my corner of Spain.

I had just returned from a book club meeting, where several people had praised my work in Kenya and expressed concern about my safety ….. since the book was now available worldwide. I told them, I wasn’t really concerned. And I must admit, I had also started to enjoy Jeff’s letters. He was a very intelligent man, with a thorough grasp of many issues. Picking his mind became an obsession. So when I got back home, I went to my study and turned on the computer. Had Jeff written? Yes - he had:

Hey there, BEAUTIFUL …… landed a short while ago and wanted to check in with you before getting some rest ….. You will NEVER be a PASSING CLOUD to me …… only ONE MAN holds that title …… and it NEVER really happened that way in the end ANYWAY !!!!!!!!!! Sleep well, my SWEET. JK Later that day, he wrote:

It’s been another loooooooooooong day ….. getting our journalist accreditation as well as travel permits to be able to go to DARFUR ….. so much bureaucracy here!!!!!! They really are ‘scared’ of journalists ….. but hopefully we’ll be ok and plan to ‘fly out’ by the weekend …. And then begin broadcasting by Monday night (5 am our time ….. 10 pm Atlanta …..). The stories will then hopefully be 88

replayed all day the next day and the same thing all week …… Anderson Cooper in Congo, Dr. Sanjay Gupta in Chad and yours truly in Sudan …….. and guess what, all three of us were involved in the EMMY award the other day ………… what a team !!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, I again ‘felt’ something late last night ….. I didn’t want to think of it too much but it kept coming back ………. You and I are ‘LINKED’ ….. whether we like it or not !!!! Missing you like CRAZY …… and YES, please write me ANY and EVERY time you can ….. even if I don’t get to reply as often as I’d want to. Kisses all over your BODY !!!!!!!!!!!! JK To complete the picture, he then sent me later the text of an article which he had done for the Anderson-CooperBlog-360 – which is good read indeed - so I am including it also:

Mission Darfur, job one: part the red tape …… We almost failed to make our flight out of Johannesburg, on our way to Darfur as ‘360’ focuses next week on the humanitarian crisis in Africa. We booking was fine for the first sector to Nairobi, Kenya, but it was the continuing sector to Sudan that was ‘choc-a-bloc’. We did the only thing journalists do in that kind of situation, we begged and begged and begged the airline officials like our lives depended on this ‘mission’. They must have seen our sincerity (or is it desperation?) that finally they checked us all the way, complete with 18 pieces of 89

baggage, digital new gathering gear, laptops, satellite phones, bottles of water, clothes, everything we would need for about a week in what’s been described as THE world’s worst humanitarian crisis. Both sectors of the flight were uneventful and we finally landed in Sudan later that night. Clearing immigration proved easier than expected and our luggage made it, believe it or not. We were ecstatic as we wheeled our FIVE carts towards the customs officials and the first of what was going to be a lesson in patience and tolerance. We showed our paperwork to one of the officials who barely glanced at it before handing it over to his colleague and on it went until the fifth customs officer took a quick look and yelled something back in Arabic to our fixer who’d met us at the airport. ?he has to call his superior’, Akram told us. ‘Ok,’ we replied. Five minutes, ten, twenty, half-an-hour. ‘What’s the delay?, we asked. ‘It’s Ramadan,’ was the answer, the fasting just ended for the day and no-one’s available.’ This was understandable given the timing of the flight and the Muslim Holy month. ‘How long do we have to wait?’ we asked. ‘He’ll soon come,’ the official responded. Two hours later, we’d finally gotten the necessary paperwork sorted we were walking out of the now deserted airport, humbled but happy to have all our gear with us. We eventually got to the hotel, checked-in and crashed for the night. The next morning we were up early. Copies of passports were made, photographs taken, ID at the ready. First we had to register with the authorities, let them know we’re in town. Then to the Ministry of External Affairs to get accredited and receive permission to film, then to the Internal Ministry to get permission to fly to Darfur, then to the police to make sure they know we can film in the streets of the capital. In a word, Sudan is a bureaucrat’s dream – paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork.

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Two days later, we just about have everything in hand, except the all-important permission to fly to Darfur. That’s been promised by Saturday and we plan to be ‘wheels-up’ Sunday to a place called El Fasher in Northern Darfur, a region as large as Texas or France. From there it’s a helicopter ride to a camp that was the recent scene of bloody clashes. Fingers crossed until we actually set foot in one of the world’s most wretched locations. **************** Before going to sleep that evening, he called just to say ‘good night’ - he obviously was very exhausted and tired. His voice was very soft, almost vulnerable and somehow he sounded very sad and lonely………….. I thought about this when I woke up the following morning and then decided to write:

….. when you read this, it will be already morning. I hope, you slept well. You should know that these early morning hours with the light just creeping in have always been my ‘special’ hours when I liked to make love most. So, please, keep your eyes closed for a while longer, just feel my hands and my mouth on you - let me carry you away and make you happy. And then take this feeling through the following day until the next morning when during the hours of dawn I will be with you again ….. making love to you in your dream until you tell me to stop….. Are you smiling now ?????????????????? Marianne

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And Jeff’s answer - also still very early in the morning:

….. not only am I smiling, I’m as ‘STIFF AS A POLE’ right now and will have to quickly take a cold shower to ‘cool things off’ !!!!!!! My GOODNESS, Marianne, I’m really IMPRESSED ….. I can’t wait for ALL THIS to happen ….. for us to be in each other’s arms, lips locked together, hands exploring each other, finding those places we both long to be ….. in a word, I can’t wait to be INSIDE YOU …… first with my tongue …… and then ……….. I am glad, I helped awaken the ‘Tiger’ in you ….. somehow, like you said, you were waiting for the right man to come along ….. and I’m honored to not only come along, but CUM and CUM and CUM !!!!!!!!!! And like you, I LOVE early morning LOVE-MAKING ….. Goodness, I’d better stop or I’m going to go CRAZY just thinking of that ………… We’re still waiting for our Darfur permission …. Hopefully we’ll get it later today or tomorrow ….. we also might get an interview with the President here …… but that’s a BIG maybe ……… In the meantime, stay ready for the time of your life (which is very arrogant of me knowing who you’ve been with in the past) ……… I may be arrogant ………. But GOODNESS, CONFIDENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am I

JK

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When I read his mail, wrote:

I had to smile

-

and then I

…. I am glad, I did excite you ………I am proud I did ….. I only hope, you are not driving or in a meeting otherwise I am afraid, you will either crash or blush now…….. I am also longing to make love to you …….. I want to touch you and feel you inside me. I know, you will be a good lover - would I have ‘chosen’ you otherwise????????? Or did you ‘choose me’???????? Marianne Jeff’s immediate answer:

No, I wasn’t driving or in an interview …… I’m getting ready for an interview we have in two hours with Jan Pronk, the UN’s top man in Sudan ….. In the meantime, I’m smiling and smiling ….. and getting HARDER and HARDER again thinking of what we’re GOING to do with each other ………. Lots of kisses all over your body ….. and when you get out of your swimming costume, think of me getting INSIDE YOU for a moment ……… JK

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In the evening he then called and we started talking about his family, his Grandfather and his political future….. Much to my surprise, he then added in writing:

…. Thanks for your comments ….. and for your ‘candid’ advice about my ‘future’ ……… I hope, you will ‘play’ a part of it …. Just like I owe it to my Grandfather, you too ‘owe’ it to Kenya ….. we could strike an agreement ….. I’ll give you back your ‘house’ ….. and your life in Kenya ….. and MUCH MUCH MORE ……… Thanks for being my friend, Marianne ….. I don’t have too many friends. But now I can count on one more ….. friend, LOVER, advisor, guru, LOVER ….. and on and on and on ………….. Lots of LOVE, JK And again he called and I told him how much I missed Kenya – its people – the friends I had made – just everything and that I almost felt like being ‘homeless’ since I had to leave ……….. He must have realized how sad I was, because he then wrote:

………. PROMISE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t be too disheartened …… I’m touched by your LOVE for Kenya and your wish to return to ‘your’ home ….. I PROMISE you, I will do all I can to make that DREAM come true for you …….. I truly sympathize with you that no matter how GREAT your environment is, how 94

wonderful your Golf Estate is and how beautiful the sunsets etc. - they’ll never compare to the KENYA you fell in LOVE with all those years ago ……. I have a lot to do for Kenya ….. and a lot to fulfill to my Grandfather’s dreams …. But God willing if everything turns out ok (2012 and then 2017), I shall make sure you get back to Kenya and live there for as long as you want ….. this I PROMISE you TODAY ….. and you can HOLD me to it !!!!!!!!! In the meantime, the interview with PRONK went wonderful well….. he was very candid and very ‘strong’ against the Sudanese Government (very UN-diplomatic) which we REALLY liked ….. look out for it sometimes next week …….. Tomorrow we hope to get BASHIR ….. and that should be a coup !!!!!!!!!! By the way, on our way to the interview I looked up to the sky and there in front of us getting ready to land was - guess what - LUFTHANSA …… I smiled to myself and kind of wished you were on that plane …….. I’ll be calling you shortly ……… Stay SWEET, my SWEET !!!!!!!! JK He then really called and continued to tell me how much he was missing me and how desperately he needs to make love to me …… and as soon as possible ……. I could hear his despair and also loneliness in his voice - and had a quite ‘crazy’ idea: 95

Hello, my ‘special friend’, Think carefully before you jump. Here it is: Did you ever make love over the phone? I never did - but I would like to try with you - so at least in this you will be the first man in my life ……. I have no idea how this could be done - but I have the feeling you do. I need to know exactly what you like to hear and what to do (and I have already now problems to find the right words - do you realize?) You lead …….. Marianne I was not surprised when he called back immediately …. all excited “Can we start immediately ? Are you ready now? Please say ‘yes’, please …….” But I told him that I need a little bit time. So reluctantly he agreed that he would call me early in the morning ……. Afterwards he also added in writing:

Your honesty is ‘humbling’ ….. and remember, you can always talk to me about anything …… I will be glad to lead you in this adventure ….. and for me it will be an HONOR to be your ‘first’ in this ….. thank you for doing this with me ….. I shall do my best to ‘fulfill’ you in every way I can ……

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You and I are INTERTWINED going back !!!!!!!!!!!

now ….. there is

NO

Sleep well, my SWEET Princess …. and as you lie naked in your bed, think of me sliding in between your parting legs ….. and making you feel like you’ve NEVER felt before ……. Up, up and away !!!!!!!!!! Lala salama, my Angel !!!!!!!! JK As announced the evening before, he then called very early in the morning, at around 5 am “I can’t wait any longer - are you also ready?” But when he started to tell me “Take the telephone receiver in your left hand and now go down and start caressing yourself like I do also with myself over here …..”, I stopped him. I told him that I could not do this ….. and then I put down the receiver. He called back immediately and asked if I was ok - I told him that I was sorry - but I just can’t do this ….. Realizing how then wrote:

distressed my voice had sounded,

he

PLEASE don’t be SORRY …. we’re in this together, YOU and ME ….. so let’s not start regretting anything ….. I know what you want …. and you know what I want …. so let’s work towards BEING together for each other …. VERY SOON …….

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No ‘Sorries’ …….. ok ????????? Lots of LOVE, JK Although I appreciated his understanding, I also realized how disappointed he must had been and maybe found my reaction ‘childish’. I needed to explain myself and so I wrote:

It was my mistake since I never liked to touch myself when I am alone. I only love it together with a man but him touching me and me touching him. Only then it is fulfillment for me …. I always regarded doing it without a man at my side like getting drunk alone - hopeless and sad. So, please don’t feel guilty - it’s my problem alone …. your voice sounded a bit depressed and nervous this morning. Was there another problem? Tell me …….. Marianne Jeff’s immediate reply:

Not depressed at all ….. just a little FRUSTRATED …. I want to get this story GOING ….. I want to TELL the world how DEPRESSING and DESPERATE the situation in Darfur is ….. I want to SHOCK the WORLD into coming to the Sudan and doing something for the people here …….

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And I’m FRUSTRATED I couldn’t be by your side last night …..thinking of you NAKED and WANTING and READY for me ….. that was very FRUSTRATING …. I don’t want to DISAPPOINT you in any way …. And I want to make you HAPPY and SMILING again just like you’ve been doing these past few days ……. you DESERVE it, Marianne ……. and I’m going to make sure I do my part ……… You too have made me VERY HAPPY …… just thinking of me when you’re swimming or lying NAKED on your terrace or showering or walking around your lovely Penthouse with my photo in the lobby is ENOUGH for me ….. until I come and FULFILL all your fantasies and needs and WANTS !!!!!!!!! When I saw that LUFTHANSA plane landing yesterday evening, I wished you were on it and that I could come to meet you at the airport and whisk you away to my hotel and make LOVE to you - OVER and OVER again…….. That’s what I was thinking and feeling, my LOVE ….. Always in my thoughts (and in other places), JK ******************************

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Every night when I close my eyes, I drift to sweet dreams of you. I imagine the taste of your lips, The feel of your hands in mine, And the softness of your hair Brushing against my ears…. And suddenly I’m strong yet weak from my need for you. And when you hold me close and look into my eyes As you whisper how much you love me, I’m carried gently to the clouds, Your love makes me feel So alive and proud Of the person I am when I’m with you…………………. Yet when the stars fade as down breaks, You kiss me goodbye at the door, And I awake needing you even more Than I did the day before. I’m missing you badly And I wish you were here……………………………….. 100

CHAPTER 8

HURDLES AND DREAMS …….

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Falling in Love with You My heart took over completely the day I fell in love with you. I didn’t stop to decide if I was thinking clearly, I merely listened to what my heart was telling me. Your love made me feel warm and fuzzy, You felt like a breath of fresh air to me. I was overwhelmed By your love so gentle and kind. Holding your hand and Listening carefully to each word you spoke, instantly filled my heart with pure joy. Perfect words spoken …… in that romantic and tender voice. I was over taken by you And my heart begin to sing. My face began to glow Like a candle burning in the night. For I found happiness the day I fell in love with you ……………..

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During the following days,

a distinctly political and very highly motivated Jeff Koinange started to emerge. So in this section, what you’ll see is a man who is intense, in a hurry and seems to look down on Africa and all it stands for. In fact, what you’ll notice is that Jeff is in this business for a lot more than just the dissemination of news. By the end of this section, I want you to ask yourself is this man a friend of Africa or its foe? ***************** Late in the evening of September 30, Jeff wrote:

Marianne, The interview with the President didn’t happen …. Something about him meeting the EU President, Jose Manuel Baroso, who just flew into town on his way to Darfur ….. they’ve rescheduled if for tomorrow ….. but you know in this DAMN place, tomorrow NEVER comes …….. We also haven’t received our travel permits for Darfur …. Apparently they need one more signature ….. I guess that’s what working in some parts of AFRICA is like ….. a LESSON in PATIENCE and TOLERANCE !!!!!

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If I sound a little PISSED-OFF, please forgive me …. I’m a patient person but when I’m getting SCREWED around, I get really PISSED !!!!!!!! I’m just going to smoke a cigar and think good thoughts…… that way, I can calm down and hope that tomorrow will be a BETTER DAY !!!!!!!!! Sorry to VENT like this ….. this is what it’s like being ME, and doing what I do …….. and everyone thinks this is all about GLAMOUR and SHOWBIZ !!!!!!!! If ONLY they knew!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk later. JK A couple of hours later, he called from the Khartoum Hilton to wish me a good night “….. and please don’t worry too much about me - I already feel better just hearing your voice, my Love …..” But I still had the impression that he needed something to cheer him up. Besides, I was worried about his trip to Darfur. So part of the reason I wanted to write was to make myself feel better about the whole situation - because I really feared that Jeff could die in Darfur. I had heard of the Janjaweed and their evil schemes. I had also heard of the Sudanese Government’s complicity in the murder of the southerners. I feared that if they found Jeff’s reporting incriminating or too prying, they would set him up, allow his car to hit a landmine or be ambushed. 104

It was 2:45 a.m. the following morning – or better night - when I wrote to him:

Making love with words …….. I woke up and as you can see from the time, it is again this special magic hour of abt. 3 am …… I had dreamed of you ….. of us. You had fallen asleep in my arms - finally - with your head at my shoulders. Now I am looking at you in the breaking hours of dawn …. there is still so much pain in your face. Your sleep must not have been very deep. I softly remove your arm and turn. Then I start kissing your face, your cheeks and your eyes. For a moment your breath stops and you open your eyes looking at me with a questioning smile. I tell you to close your eyes again and just feel what I am doing. I continue kissing you - but this time going down your body - and with one hand I start touching you - with the other still embracing you. You softly say “please continue” - but you keep your eyes closed like I told you. I feel how you become excited, your breath faster. I continue touching you and then kissing you also there. Now your hands reach out to me. You are holding my breasts and start slowly caressing me - but continue keeping your eyes closed - only a smile starts lightening up your face. I am going on top of you and guide you inside me. We slowly start moving together. You continue stroking my breasts. I am bending down to you and start kissing your mouth.

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You become more and more harder in me and with a deep sigh you say “please stop” and then we turn you are on top of me now and again inside me you say “I want to enjoy you as long as possible ….. so let me lead and follow my movements - don’t move too fast I want both of us to come together ……”. We continue - then your breath becomes more and more faster - I start becoming more and more excited and beg you “please faster and deeper”. You look at me with a wide confident smile “I told you, just follow me” and I do. Then we both come together and you continue staying in me for a while longer, bending down kissing me with a long and relaxed sigh. Then you put your arms around me saying “let’s sleep for a while longer and then wake me again like you did now and we will make love again. I promise …..” I turn to you and smile. I can see that all the pain of the evening and night before has disappeared from your face. It is smooth and soft. Your eyes got back that confident expression. And then I know that you have become again sure about your unlimited capabilities and you are full of trust in yourself. I am very proud to have been able to do this to you and slowly I also close my eyes and fall asleep until the morning when I know we will start all over again….. This was my dream ……………. I hope, you carry this into the next day and it will help you to sustain all problems - or at least it should help you to endure them. That’s all I want. 106

There is a line in the song ‘Tell him’ which I am sending to you. It says ‘Love will be the gift you give yourself.’ This is exactly how I feel - how you have made me feel. My love for you will be a present I am giving to myself. Marianne ********** Don’t you just love that letter? If you don’t, blame no one but yourself. I told you to put the book down a while back. And let me warn you again, I intend to drive even faster. So keep your seatbelt where it is. Okay? ********** Now ….. here is how Jeff responded:

Your LOVE-MAKING email was UNBELIEVABLE….. you write like you speak ….. from the heart and full of PASSION ….. and I want you NEVER to stop …… In the meantime, I think of YOU and US and how ‘BEAUTIFUL’ this relationship is developing and growing…. I’ll call you later today ….. I promise …. go out and have a swim and think of us ….. and when you’re lying on your deck chair later on - think MORE, feel MORE, dream

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MORE …… and know, I’m there WITH YOU every step of the way ………… Miss you VERY much, my Sweet Princess. JK I replied:

Looking forward to hear your voice ….. I hope, everything goes well today. They announced in CNN that they will do the special transmission of the three countries between Wednesday and Friday next week and I saw you for just 2 seconds ….. made me feel like……. Marianne He then really called later ……….. “Tell me, what happened in the morning - after I told you to wake me up like you did before. Tell me, did we really make love again?????? Please tell me everything and when I read, I can pretend you are here with me and then ……. please, my Love, continue with your dream. I need you so much right now …….”. I understood - and wrote:

…… part 2 ….. in the morning - it is around 6 a.m. and we have slept locked in each other’s arms. I can feel you move and realize that you are already excited. You turn to me and without saying a word, your

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hand starts caressing my breast and then moves down and starts touching me softly. And then you say - almost as a whisper - “don’t do anything - just enjoy and let me lead this time”. I smile at you “we will see…..”. You continue touching me, then you bend down and start also entering me with your tongue. Very softly, very slowly. But that’s too much for me - so I stop you and ask you to lie down - and then I start taking you into my mouth. With my tongue I am caressing the top and feel the blood pumping in it - like it has its own life. You are groaning now. Your face shows all your excitement while you keep your eyes closed. But all of the sudden you open them and your hands pull me up. Then you say “No, not like that - please stop I want to explode into you” and you turn and enter me. But after just two strong movements, you are already coming with a deep sigh. Then you look at me “I am sorry - I wanted it to last much longer - but you excited me too much before.” I just smile at you “But don’t you realize that this is exactly what I wanted? That you loose your control and let yourself go …..?” You look at me and I can see the happiness in your eyes - and silently I thank God that he gave me the capability to bring you to such heights. And I know that this is all I now live for: making you happy ………… This is how my day ‘with you’ started this morning now go into the world and fight ……. 109

God bless you in everything you do and say. Marianne

After having read and digested my letter, half an hour later …..

Jeff called

************ But before I tell you what he said, you have probably been asking yourself at what point did I fall in love with this dashing reporter, right? I can’t tell you with certainty when it happened. All I know is that after writing my love-making dreams, I had a man in my life. I was his - and he was mine. And because he was a reporter, the world was our stage. What more could a woman ask for?

************************ Well, so much to that ……….. here is what Jeff said when he called:

“….. you do not know which effect this had on me - just reading your mail - I felt like you were here by my side talking to me and touching me - this is just unbelievable …… thank for doing this for me ……… I LOVE YOU, JK ************************ 110

These Dreams of You ………….

You’re my wings, your smile a gentle breeze; Over cerulean seas, I soar with ease, Upon dreams of you. You’re my flame stoked high To make day of midnight. You’re my heaven and mysterious moonlight. Through black velvet twilight to early morning sunlight, I treasure these dreams of you ……… You’re the melody that strokes my heart And makes everything feel right. You’re a rose, both red and white, My fiery passion and my angel of light.

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And I cherish these dreams of you. Never shall this blossom fade. Through bitter winter winds And harsh summer light, Through bright spring days and long fall nights, You’ll be my rose……….. My melody………………... My moonlight…………..... My heaven ………………... My flame ………………….. My wings ………………….. And my greatest delight.. You’ll always be my everything bright. And as long as blue jays sing And the earth’s rebirth marks every spring, I’ll live for these dreams of you……………

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CHAPTER 9

- JEFF KOINANGE THE PRIVATE MAN

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I have come to know and Love you like I’ve never known or loved another. Words have not been made that could describe the feelings we have for each other. I would go to any lengths to let you Know at all times that I care Because I want you to know that anytime you reach for me, you’ll find me there ….

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Like any other good Catholic,

I love Sundays. When the day starts, I usually wake up, shower, have breakfast and then dress for the mass. And since I am living alone, my routine is pretty set. But this Sunday morning, October 1, I was in no mood to go to the downtown Marbella church. I was worried about my man. Was he going to be okay in Sudan? You would think, my fears should lead me to prayer ….. to the throne of God. They didn’t. Instead, I went to the computer and turned it on. I wanted to write to Jeff, send him off to Omar El Bashir with the love and courage of a strong European lady. But when the email box opened, it was Jeff who had written:

For your EYES ONLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I’d let you into ‘my house’ for a sneak peek ….. something I’ve NEVER done with anyone else …… shows just how much I TRUST YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, my GREATEST passion is collecting ART from EVERYWHERE I travel (mostly in Africa …. but also Baghdad when I was there) …. that way, I can remember a place when I’m sitting down in the comfort of my home …….. Here’s a little taste ……. please keep THIS to yourself, my Angel !!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy - lots of LOVE. JK *********

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He trusted me! But how did we go from trying to publicize my book, in writing such intimate letters to each other? Some of you will think, I started it. Others will say, Jeff did. But both miss the point. The point is that for me, I found something not many women of my age find. I found young love. As for Jeff, you will have to ask him what he found. Maybe he was just lonely and desperate for love and attention in spite of being married and having an exciting job…… Like he once said: It is tempting and lonely out there …… I still find it fascinating that he fell in love with me…… but I digress. ***************** As soon as I read his letter, I replied:

God, how I envy you - yes, I love art - I used to go regularly to Art Museums and special exhibitions. We have a very important Picasso Museum here in Malaga where he was born and the paintings and sketches have been donated by his wife and his children. We should both go there if and when you come here ….. And of course, I love African art - so we have another thing in common. I am more and more convinced it was ‘destiny’ which has brought us together. I know, I will never have you all - but what we share already now, is more than many other people have in their whole life and sometimes never have.

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All my love - and have a good day. I hope, everything goes well for your trip to Darfur. Marianne ***************** I know what you are thinking…. So she knew Jeff was

married and she still wrote him those love letters and enjoyed receiving his? But I am not the first woman to ever love a man who was married. And if you have been in this world long enough, you will have noticed that most prominent men have a mistress or even concubine or whatever you want to call them. For me, it wasn’t as though I hoped Jeff could leave his wife and marry me. I was too old for such a foolish idea. But if his wife wasn’t there for her husband (just remember that night of their 8th wedding anniversary when he sent me his first love-letter because he had dreamed that very night about making love to me ….), could the husband be blamed for a little ‘distraction’ ? All I ever did was to be there for Jeff when his wife clearly wasn’t…… So if you expect an apology, I have to disappoint you since there will be none …. at least not from my side. ************

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But just read what Jeff had to say - after he called me, happy that I felt like him - he wrote:

….. so you also like African Art ???????? I shouldn’t even have asked …….. I KNOW you’re AFRICAN ….. And DESTINY is exactly what’s happened between YOU and ME, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!! Glad you liked that part of me (the Art part) …. and even more glad you can RELATE to it as I do… We are both AFRICANS at HEART ….. and MIND ….. and SOUL …… GREAT NEWS - we just got our PERMITS to travel to Darfur ….. apparently the one that was giving them trouble was my US PASSPORT (I travel mostly on my US passport because it’s easier to get around …. except here) ….. Two weeks ago at the UN, the State Department prevented Sudanese Officials from traveling around the United States and now the Sudanese want to do the same with US citizens here …. a tit-for-tat, if you will….. Luckily they thought better and DON’T want to MESS with CNN because we threatened to go ON-THE-AIR with the ‘NEWS’ that the Sudanese Govt. was preventing journalists from going to Darfur ….. But thank God is turned out this way because I HATE being THE NEWS ….. I prefer MAKING THE NEWS !!!!!!!!!! (I still have a Kenyan Passport, in case you’re wondering ….. but it needs to be RENEWED !!!!!!!!)

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So, we’ve now been given the GREEN LIGHT to travel to the World’s Worse Humanitarian Crisis ….. we leave at 6 a.m……. How was your SWIM, my LOVE ????????? Still GLOWING ?????????? And how was the lie on the TERRACE ???????? I can still picture that ….. and can’t wait to SEE it for myself !!!!!!!!! (and join you for that matter !!!!!!!!!) Talk later, my SWEET. JK ************** After having read his letter, I left my apartment and went for a little walk ….. fresh air. The area where I live at the Spanish Costa del Sol is highly cosmopolitan. There are people from all over the world. But my favorite people are the African refugees. Whenever I meet them on the streets, I talk to them. At first they don’t trust me, but eventually they warm up to me and talk. And their stories are always too painful to imagine. That’s why I can’t understand governments that deny the world’s poorest, most tortured souls a chance to make a living. Aren’t the Moroccan and Algerian Arabs who cross the Gibraltar people? Aren’t the Africans from the continent’s central and southern nations people? If all these people braved the elements of the tropical forests, the brutal cities and streets, the Sahara desert and got to Europe, why not let them live and make something of their lives? Why do we make laws that erect the toughest barriers for them? What does Europe have to lose? - Fuck our lawmakers for their dumbness. 119

Anyway, while I was gone, Jeff called three times and also left messages. By the time he called, I was with friends who had insisted I hang on for dinner. I did. In his third message, Jeff sounded a little depressed. He thought he had offended me. This was sounding more like an insecure small boy than the strong grown-up man he usually pretended to be. I loved it ….. :

You’re NOT angry, are you ?????????? It’s five minutes to ten and I’ve been trying to keep my promise to call for the last ten minutes but to NO avail. I hope, I didn’t anger you in any way ….. I just want you to TRUST me ….. just as I TRUST you, my LOVE….. So, I have to get some rest as I’m getting up at 4:30 a.m. for a 6 a.m. flight to Darfur ….. I don’t know how good or bad phone service is there but I shall try and call….. if not, we’ll chat on email…… Stay well, think GOOD thoughts ….. and remember, someone in DARFUR really really CARES about YOU!!!!! ALWAYS YOURS, JK Although I regretted to have missed his calls, I didn’t write back immediately. I let the hours roll by without saying anything. I

wanted him to miss me - long for me - cry for me …….

But I couldn’t sleep - and at 3:30 a.m. I got up and wrote:

My love, I have been awake since almost hone hour waiting and hoping you would call again before leaving. I 120

also miss you terribly - and yes, I was a bit angry yesterday when you started to talk again about making love to me over the phone knowing how it turned out a ‘disaster’ when we tried last time …. Why do we spoil the little time we have with such a stupid argument? So I went to see my friends here and accepted their invitation to stay on for dinner. Now I am sitting here - sad and longing for you. I have your photo in front of me and I can see your desire for me in your eyes - like you told me on the phone. At the moment, I can only give you my heart - until we meet and we can finally touch each other, embrace each other and make love. But for now, you will feel my arms around you when you go to sleep and my lips will softly kiss away your pain and your tears since I am sure that there will be times and nights when the things you will see during the next days will make you cry ….. don’t hide these feelings - also this belongs to the man I love. I will watch over you when you sleep and I will still be at your side when you wake up in the morning. You will feel my love wrapped around you all the day. I love you and I pray for you dreaming of you, of us.

-

and I will continue

With all my love, Marianne It was like Jeff had just been waiting for my letter, because only minutes after I had sent it, he picked up the phone and called me just before checking out of the 121

Khartoum Hilton telling me how much he had missed talking to me the evening before …… He had not slept at all fearing that I could be offended or could have become ‘tired’ of him and his desire for me …. I realized how much he really seemed to need me although I still did not understand ‘why’ ……. what about his wife? Should she not be the one he was longing to be with? I tried not to think such negative thoughts and after we finished our phone conversation, I wrote instead:

Go into the following days thinking of me - remembering of what we have discussed about your political future. Think about all the things you could - and you will make different. The power and influence you will have and how you - I am sure - will use it for the benefit not only of the Kenyan people, but also for the whole reagion. I think if you went into it because you believe to ‘owe’ it to your Grandfather - after having beein in Darfur, you will know that you owe it to the people there and to all the people in other parts of ‘our’ Africa who need somebody who cares and gets them out of their misery. And because I believe in you and your faith, I dared to tell you my ‘experience’ of last night …. Also this is a part of you - but this you are only for me …. I need you very much - God bless you. Marianne

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When it hit 4:30 a.m., I got off my bed and knelt beside it to pray for Jeff. I wanted him to be safe since I knew that he started his dangerous journey to Darfur right in this minute. But would God listen to a woman like me? Would He keep Jeff safe so he could come to Europe for us to finally meet? Did God really do things like that? ********************************

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Only two hearts can sing With all the joy life brings, Inspiring hope in the soul’s depths, Scaling mountains Never climbed yet, Flying beyond the star’s reach And discovering beauty In the light of each, Seeking rainbows beyond the pall. Only two hearts in love Have it all Two hearts like ours.

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CHAPTER 10

LOVE FROM DARFUR

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If you let me, I will be As gentle as I can. I would never want to hurt you, I want to be your loving man. So won’t you come and go with me, And share some sweet delight? I will tend to all your needs, If you would only spend the night. Making love to my sweet angel, Would be my biggest thrill. And all my dreams come true in you, If you’d only say you will. So if you want to give to me A gift beyond compare, Then let me take you in my arms To let our bodies share. I’ll feel your heart right through my chest, I’ll taste your lips divine. I’ll feel the softness of your breast, So happy you are mine!

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Since I had followed Jeff’s first life transmission from Darfur

all night, I only woke up quite late on October 3 and decided to stay in bed even a while longer. My mind was too preoccupied with places like Darfur, Baghdad and the Congo. The question that repeatedly knocked at the door of my conscience was - WHY? Why is the international community letting another genocide take place? For how long are we human beings going to continue demonstrating to the animal kingdom that we are no better than them? You say it’s survival of the ‘clever ones’? And the West is the most clever? But does that reasoning also mean that they have to use every means at their disposal to prove they are superior to the rest of world ….. do they really? Well, let’s leave the Iraq question aside for a minute. That is something that won’t end any time soon. I believe that even if another American President is elected, only the tactics will change but the war will go on. What stuns me more is the wars in Africa. Why would human beings who look alike, live in uniform depravity and face an international community that is indifferent to their plight, want to kill and maim each other? Why did the Rwandese butcher each other? How about the Angolans? And what should we make of the recurring tribal clashes in Kenya? Doesn’t Darfur remind the Africans that when their communities implode, the world will only observe things from a distance? Finally at around 10:30 a.m. I slapped away my comforter and got off my bed. Although I was still depressed, I decided that life had to go on.

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So I went to the computer to see what was going on with my distant ‘lover’. And he did not disappoint me – Jeff had already written:

Love from Darfur ……… We arrived safely in Darfur and literally hit the ground running ….. We had to shoot a whole story for the first of four programs we’re doing for AC360 which should be showing NOW as we speak in the States …. and ALL DAY on CNN International ….. I know you WILL be watching ….. as you ALWAYS do, my LOVE. We slept for three hours …. and are up now getting ready to go meet with the African Union Troops to go on patrol ….. they say they’ll take us to a village that was attacked about a week ago …. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful …. and I’ll be thinking of you ALL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay well, my SWEET Princess ….. and remember, someone in Darfur LOVES YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS ….. JK I replied:

Thanks for your message - you know me in the meantime: worried and afraid for you - not doubting you - so please don’t jump. 128

Yes, I am following the program - actually since 3.am. But all my previous - carelessly - given promises that I write to you nice things cheering you up etc. are gone ….. I have seen the situation you are in, the suffering of these people - and I do not find the words to write about my trivial problems (like longing to be with you). So I fear, you have to wait a little bit until I will be able to - but I will - soon. In the meantime, keep your promise to be careful - and continue thinking about me like I do here - with all my heart …. and body …. and all my love. Marianne Realizing that especially now he needed my support, I added a few hours later:

I have seen your first report already several times and I have also taped it. CNN is repeating it every hour. I am proud to be your friend and maybe sometimes being allowed to occupy a small niche in your life. I have seen the way you were talking to these young women battered and raped, having lost everything and still having kept their dignity and pride. Only African women can be like that …… I have watched how these shy women surrounded you, trusting you and were opening up to you because they realized your humanity. They seemed to forget that they speak to a man about such private matters which is already difficult to talk about to another woman. Some 129

even risked a small shy smile – and especially this should have made you very proud and happy. It definitely gave me a shiver of admiration for you. Seeing you there (and following you through the next days - Anderson Cooper is starting tomorrow until Friday, 4 p.m. my time) is another experience for me to get to know you. And it also scares me - you have become so close to me - so much a part of my life - but what can I give back to you? You are filling all my thoughts and feelings and this is making me afraid that maybe I cannot fulfill your expectations. But I do not want to make you feeling uncomfortable so I better stop now ….. I let you concentrate on your important mission and want to assure you that in spite of all my doubts (and I am doubting me, not you), my heart is full of love and tenderness for you and also with a very special admiration for the way you do your job. You have made me very happy - so I sincerely hope that one day I can give something of this happiness which you brought into my life back to you - and not only like now just in words on the phone or on the computer ….. Marianne It took Jeff a while to reply to my letter. And with each passing hour, I was becoming more nervous, afraid. I kept wondering how he was doing.

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The only thing that kept me going was that there had been no breaking news about a CNN correspondent being killed in Darfur……. so all must have gone well. ********* And then early the next morning as I was just sitting down to see the live transmission of AC360, he had finally found the time to write:

Another looooooooooooooooong Day !!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve just woken up……… we’ve been working again all day and have sent out our story for today and managed to get three hours sleep ….. We’ll be going LIVE in two hours ….. I have TWO LIVES ….. one at 5:30 a.m. (my time) and again at 6:40 a.m. …… and then at 8:30 a.m. we begin working at our story for tomorrow ….. or is it evening ?????????? What a LIFE !!!!!!!!!!! And someone once said this is all about SHOWBIZ !!!!!!!!!!!! But like you said, I was born to do this ……. to gain the trust of ‘women’, to tell their stories …. to be the VOICE of the VOICELESS !!!!!!!!! For my first LIVE, they’ll be replaying the STORY I did last May in CONGO of these women RAPE VICTIMS ….. PLEASE check it out if you can ….. and tape it ….. it will make your skin CRAWL !!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for watching the story today - thanks for taping it - thanks for your observations …. and MOST OF ALL, thanks for being there for ME !!!!!!!!!!!!

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I LOVE you and MISS you TERRIBLY !!!!!!!!!!! Yours ALWAYS, JK ****************** That’s really a kind man - wouldn’t you agree with me? Being there to talk for the ‘voiceless’, be there for them. And what woman would not like a sensitive man like that? Better still, what woman wouldn’t want to be with such a man? A man who embedded himself with the world’s war toys to bring the story of human suffering to a global audience? Wasn’t that not every woman’s dream? ********************* I felt lucky to have such a man - and wrote back:

As you can see, I am getting up during the night to check if I find a message - I feel that way I can be closer to you knowing what you are doing - and read your message. Of course, I will see those transmissions and of course I will also tape them. Thanks for alerting me about it ….. I am with you in this - don’t you know it? With all my heart - for now ‘only’ with my heart …. Marianne He must have been still sitting in front of the computer because he replied immediately:

YOU and ME together !!!!!!!!!!!! 132

Thanks, my SWEET PRINCESS …….. and thanks for staying UP with me ……… I feel like you’re here …. or me there ……….. either way, we’re TOGETHER ….. and it’s a GOOD FEELING !!!!!!! I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!! JK ************ How sweet - has a man ever written to you from a war zone? I’m sure, the wives of the men serving in Iraq and other places can relate. Anyway, immediately:

after reading his message,

I replied

And I am still watching - Anderson Cooper Special Edition - the Report on the Raped Women was chilling as you said. I saw also your live comments. You were very direct and brave and you really talk for these otherwise voiceless women ……… And I continue watching - I can still sleep a but during the day - contrary to you - so don’t worry about me it is enough that I worry about you ……….. I love you, Marianne And he replied only minutes later:

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Thanks for watching, MY LOVE ……… I can feel you ALL OVER me as I do ‘what I was born to do’ ……….. JK Later that day, Patrol.

I took time to watch the report on the UN

It had been difficult - and dangerous - they were stopped before reaching the village and had to turn back in a hurry because there was some fighting going on again ……. But read for yourself – this is the article Jeff wrote for the ‘360’-blog describing what happened while going on patrol:

Out-gunned soldiers avoid confronting enemy. We went on the road today with African Union peacekeepers in Darfur, Sudan …. You know, those 7,000 ill-equipped and undermanned troops who are supposed to police an area the size of Texas. The United Nation’s top diplomat in the Sudanese capital, Khartoum, told us that some of the units have to cook their own food. How are you supposed to keep the peace when you’re worrying whose turn it is to cook? They’re also seriously under-equipped in terms of firepower. And the few helicopters they have don’t even have enough fuel to fly troops in and out of difficult-to-reach places, the UN’s top man told us. And this is their mandate: Shoot ONLY if shot at – this is one of the most lawless and unforgiving regions on earth. Well, we were about to find out just how undermanned and illequipped they are on this day. We were on patrol with them to a 134

town called Tawiya, recent scene of heavy fighting that forced more than 15,000 civilians to flee their homes. Add that to the roughly 2.5 million internally displaced people, a polite term for refugees in their own country. Halfway into the trip, the radios started crackling (at least they have radios). There was trouble up ahead and they had to turn back and avoid a confrontation like they had a couple of weeks ago when nearly a dozen of them were killed in a gun battle with antigovernment forces. Imagine what this does to morale. Battle-hardened soldiers forced to turn back because the ‘bad guys’ up ahead are better equipped. It’s enough to demoralize any troops, and these African Union troops are fast getting demoralized. The bottom line, their commander told me: He needs twice as many troops, plenty of logistics support, lots of hardware and free access to the air, something the Sudanese government is completely opposed to. And to think that these are the soldiers that stand in the way of Africa’s second genocide in a little over a decade. They don’t appear to stand a chance. *************** Well, like I was saying, after watching the UN Patrol, it sent shivers down my spine realizing into which danger Jeff had put himself. I therefore wrote:

…… Yes - and you told me not to worry when you informed me about going on patrol. Seeing your Report, I got scared like hell ….. I knew it ….. you are in danger - just admit it to yourself …… ……… and then leave the praying to me ……… 135

With all my love, Marianne And Jeff reacted right on the spot:

………. no danger …………. I know you’re with me ….. and PRAYING for me ….. what more can a man ASK for ??????????????????? Thanks for watching …… at least someone is watching who APPRECIATES what I do ………… Lots of LOVE, JK

JK’.

After having read his message, I whispered ‘I love you,

But at the same time I was saddened by the impression that this moving report - as graphic as it was - was probably not going to be watched by certain policy makers in Washington, Berlin, Paris, London and other notable global capitals. What did it need to awaken the world community finally from its deep slumber? Was the dying of almost 2 million Africans not already enough? And we continue calling ourselves civilized? ‘bullshit’ ……………..

What a

***********************

136

If our love were a rose, Satin petals thick with dew, I’d awaken you each morning And make tender love to you. If your love were a falcon With wings spread wide in flight, I’d soar with you beneath the stars And welcome in each night. If your love were a flame To warm body and soul, I’d stoke the fire until it raged Red hot and out of control. If our love were a garden Of burning bush and clinging vine, I’d wrap my arms around you, And brush your fire with mine. 137

CHAPTER 11

A VERY SPECIAL PHOTO ……

138

No matter who you look like No matter who they see, The joy that is within me You’ve given endlessly. For me you are the sunrise The softness of the rain Beauty of the twinkling stars That sparkle of champagne. The softness of the petals Of roses’ sweet delight I feel that when you hold me While dancing through the night. They say I am your Beauty And to them you are my Beast, But every time I see you My heart beats just increase. I’m only going to say this Just one more time today, I love you with a passion That never goes away. So take me to the moon and back We’ll always have this night Dancing on the clouds again With stars that shine so bright.

139

In my lifetime,

I have taken a lot of pictures - most of them in Africa, but also in Europe and other locations all around the world. But of all of them, there is one that I consider the ‘bomb’. It was taken in Croatia during a sailing trip with my daughter and her father …….. and still today when I look at this picture, I am reminded of the days I was a ‘Goddess of Beauty’ ……. Well, I bring up this photo because Jeff asked me for it. But before you say, Jeff couldn’t have known about it if you didn’t flaunt it - let me own up: I did…….. I did because I wanted him to see the woman I used to be …. the woman I know I’ll never be again ………… because time has passed since. Anyhow, only moments after writing to Jeff and after he replied saying he was safe, I sat down and revisited the issue of this picture. But rather than telling him I was sending it, I chose to taunt him, dangle it. I wanted him to ask for it himself. Ask in a way that revealed passion, urgency. So I wrote:

….. I need you desperately …. having seen you - several times on TV - has made me realize how much I miss talking to you. I am trying to convince myself that already hearing your voice like that should be enough for me - bit it isn’t. Although I know I will have to wait some days more before you can finally call me again ……..

140

Thinking about you is hurting - I never thought, you could become so much a part of my life, of my thoughts and of all my feelings and body ……. Try to come to me at least in my dreams - dream of me and transmit your thoughts to me ….. I need you …. I am desperately longing for your tenderness and caresses and I am not even ashamed to admit this. But I have decided not to send you that special photo at least not at the moment. It is very private and personal. Do not be offended, please. I will bring it with me when we meet and if and after we have made love. Then it will be yours. Can we agree on this? So I hope that this letter is still making you a little bit happy although you were expecting more. Marianne And Jeff replied immediately and exactly in the way I had hoped he would:

My Darling, I am happy but also a bit disappointed …….. I’m glad you’ve been watching me ALL DAY and enjoying OUR coverage of events in AFRICA’s trouble spots ….. glad you feel close - glad you see me talking to YOU - makes me HAPPY that I’m communicating with you …… and you with me ……

141

However, I’m disappointed that you still DON’T trust me completely ….. you’re still HOLDING back …. still don’t want me to see what you really look like ….. still NOT trusting that YOU’VE already HOOKED me and that I am NOT going anywhere ……… Why is this so? What are you afraid of? Why don’t you trust me? I want you to be able to know that I can’t wait to see you - can’t wait to be in YOUR ARMS - taste your LIPS smell your SKIN - lick your BODY - make you feel like the WOMAN you are …………… Trust me, my SWEET ….. send me that photo ….. I was looking forward to opening up the envelop when I get back to Joburg next Monday ….. now that doesn’t look likely !!!!!!!! YOU want to TEASE me some more ……….???????? You DON’T have to, my LOVE …… you ALREADY have me …….. 100-PERCENT !!!!!!!!! Think about it ……… and know you’re MINE and I’m YOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ………. ALWAYS ……… JK Okay - if you were in my shoes, what would you have done? Would you have sent the picture? For me, his email only made me feel worse …. guiltier.

142

And because I had started the whole subject, I decided to send it. The teasing was over. Let him see me in my glory days. So I replied:

And now I am feeling bad - worse than that, I understand - and to disappoint you is the last I want therefore: you will get the photo - by DHL - next week. Are you now happy that you convinced me? The way I feel today, you could ask me anything and I would do it. Does that make sense to you? In other words, I have lost my head, my heart and my senses - all because of you. So, please, don’t be angry with me anymore - better tell me: how was your day? Does Anderson Cooper transmit the same time like last night? Should I watch? Will I also see you? How I miss to be able to talk to you. Marianne After I had hit SEND, I sat back and waited…… I could see him reading, smiling, shaking his head…….. how did this happen? But it had …… we both were in love with each other….. And just as I expected, he wrote back:

143

Thanks, my LOVE ………. I’ll email you shortly about my day ……… I have to now voice my script for today’s story …… you will LIKE this one …. And yes, SAME times like yesterday ….. so you and me together again ……. same time, same place ……… I LOVE YOU Sooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH !!!!!!!!!! JK ************************** And that was the end of a long day. I was finally ready to go to bed. In the meantime, I was going to tape AC360 so I could watch it the following morning. When I finished the recording, I looked at the watch and realized that in just one hour the new transmission of Anderson Cooper would start …………….. So once again, Jeff and I were together - just as he had told me. Instead of going to sleep, I decided to stay up and watch the live transmission of AC360 and it was like I could feel Jeff’s warm embrace as he talked ….. I went out on my terrace to look at the stars. But what I never counted on was the full moon. It came straight our of the horizon, dove into the Mediterranean, then bounced off and came straight at me. It lit up the sky like a humongous display of fireworks. As I watched it, I thought of Jeff. For me he was that moon. His love came straight from the heavens and then lodged in my heart…… JK ….. for me there was no other…….

144

And because of my strong feelings for him which prevented me from sleeping right now, I sat down at 5 a.m. and wrote another letter:

….. I had been again on the ‘if and if not’ road-ofdiscovery - that’s why I was a bit depressed yesterday. Again doubting myself - and being afraid. This is the reason why I wanted to postpone the sending of that photo. But then there are my dreams of making love to you holding you - satisfying you and you satisfying me. Sometimes these imaginations bring me up - but very often also down - mainly during the late evening hours before I go to sleep - alone - thinking and feeling how close you have come to me and how lonely I would feel again - if I would loose you. I try to push away these fears - but in my mind they are still there and sometimes take over all my thinking - like yesterday. Sue called and realized how depressed I was and insisted to come to see me. She tried to cheer me up “just let it happen - I have the impression you can trust him - he will not let you down - he is a mature man. So forget all your doubts ….. just enjoy it. And even if you two don’t become lovers, I am sure you will continue being friends……..” That’s when I started ‘dreaming’ again ….. and smile. I always found it very difficult to write or talk about my real feelings.

145

Saying “I love you” sometimes was very easy - just words - mostly even without meaning …. but saying “I am afraid of my feelings” is something else. I have always preferred to put on the mask of a glamorous woman hiding behind perfect dressing and a ‘do not come close to me’ smile. You have pulled down this mask and all of the sudden I am realizing how vulnerable I have become again. This scares me a lot. I do not expect you to hurt me - please do not think that. But I am afraid that life can hurt me now without the protecting shield I had so successfully put around me. And - mainly - I do not want to loose you - what will happen if you do not find me attractive and I see the disappointment in your face - in your eyes? How will I survive that? This is the real fear I have: without you?

how could I live again

So - please - think carefully if you are willing to take the risk to meet me - maybe we should continue dreaming instead on the distance???????? Don’t say “no - no way” - think twice before replying to this. You are facing a very scared woman - trusting you, but definitely not trusting herself. I have never thought I could write this to you - but seeing you with these women in Darfur and the Congo, has given me the assurance that I could.

146

I love you - and these are not just words - this time there is all my heart (and my fears) behind these three words. Marianne ********************

love?

Have you ever written a letter so profound to someone you

In this letter, I revealed my vulnerabilities to Jeff for the first time: I was struggling with my looks. I no longer found myself attractive. And I feared what age was doing to my looks. And one more thing, I have always been a hands-on woman. I am used to take charge of situations around me. So the fact that age was something I could not control, frustrated me a lot. ***************** And what was Jeff saying about all this? At 4 a.m. I received the answer:

WOW …..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just woke up at 4 a.m. and since I don’t have a LIVE until 6:50 a.m. (my time), I decided to check my mail ….. and I can HONESTLY say …….. I’ve NEVER read an email so powerful !!!!!!!!!!!!!

147

You remind me of me sometimes ….. because I too doubt whether I am good looking enough to be on TV ….. I even grew my hair (it’s called Dreads) and somehow no one had a problem with it at CNN (it’s funny because my Grandfather would probably think it amazing that I have joined the Mau Mau !!!!!!!!) Isn’t life interesting???? Growing up I always thought that maybe I was NEVER good enough ….. and in fact when I went to college to study journalism, I wanted to do strictly RADIO and NOT Television because I didn’t think I was good enough for TV ….. But now I have overcome that ….. my work speaks for itself and even though I don’t look like most people, my work can carry me through on any given day ….. You know how that say BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR BECAUSE YOU MIGHT JUST GET IT ????? Well, that’s what I think you did sometime back …… You had EVERYTHING in life ….. and you achieved EVERYTHING you ever wanted ….. did what you did with whom you did because you were ON TOP OF THE WORLD … and one day you LOST a part of YOU …. But the GOOD thing is, that part of you that remained still had some HOPE ….. some LIFE ….. a second chance…… Listen, I know you are OLDER than I am ….. My first wife was TWENTY years OLDER than me but we were in LOVE and nobody could stop us then ….. 148

That’s LIFE …. you LIVE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME !!!! I know we will meet ……. and I know we will MAKE LOVE …….. and I KNOW it will be GOOD …… trust me. I know things about people ……. I can tell feelings …… and your feelings are ALL IN THE RIGHT PLACES ……. Stay focused on what you are doing …… and the REST will fall into PLACE ….. That’s ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And remember, SOMEONE IN DARFUR LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH ……… Yours ALWAYS, JK *************** I was moved to tears by Jeff’s reply. And after I had read it, I finally knew that I was not going to go to bed at all. How could I sleep when I knew that someone in Darfur loved me ….. and was in the middle of one of Africa’s most senseless wars? If you were me, would you have slept? Well, I didn’t. Instead I went back to the computer and read my own letter to Jeff once more before replying to his. Once I had read it, heavy heart.

I wrote to him again ….. with a

149

Here is what I said ……

Thank you - I was just reading my last mail to you again and started to become very sad - then I saw your message and all my senses lifted up again. You have this power on me - and it scares me because no other man did this to me before. And do not worry about your looks - you are very attractive - and yes, I saw these ‘dreads’ and I think they fit you. Do you realize that I am smiling again now? - You will love the photo……. Marianne And after having the AC360 Report, added:

I shortly after

……. I feel ashamed ….. you and the AC360 Report have made me feel ashamed again. How can I put my stupid doubting problems in front of you when you are facing such terrible situations right now? Forgive me, please…. Marianne Jeff’s reply was instant - at 5:15 a.m. he wrote:

150

….. welcome back ….. I’m GLAD THE REAL MJB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there …….. and NEVER EVER DOUBT who or what you are !!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for watching ….. OUR problems seem MINISCULE compared to OTHER PEOPLE around the WORLD …….. Count your BLESSINGS ……. and THANK GOD for what you HAVE !!!!!!!! Now then, back to OUR love-making …….. you see, I made you SMILE !!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK I replied an hour later:

…… thoughts about you ……. Before I go to sleep - contrary to you I guess - I went out on my terrace and looked at the full moon shining so peacefully here and started wondering about you, these people in Darfur around you and the - crazy - world in general. It is so peaceful here everywhere?

-

why can’t it be like that

And then I also started thinking - and you can keep me on this promise - whatever you and me decide in the future, let us fill it love and tenderness - no matter what ……

151

Where there is so much pain and suffering - let us make a difference - not only in our life, but also in the life of others. Can we agree on this?????? Marianne It took Jeff just 5 minutes to reply. But though his words were sweet, I didn’t like the part where he said that he was taking a helicopter that went somewhere only twice a week. Did that mean if there was trouble there, he would be stuck? Anyway, I’ll let you read the letter and be the judge. Here it is:

…….. DEAL ……. my WORD is my BOND …….. simply put, it means I PROMISE !!!!!!!! The moon is FULL here too ……. this world can be so BEAUTIFUL, yet so UGLY !!!!!!!!!!! Sleep well, my LOVE ….. I have a helicopter ride in an HOUR to yet another refugee camp …… where we’ll be reporting for the next TWO days ……. as the helicopter only flies to this place twice a week …….. Talk to you later, my SWEET PRINCESS …… and sleep well …… with me in your thoughts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS YOURS, 152

JK So, there you have it. What do you think? Was I being selfish worrying about Jeff? Did those people in the refugee camps really need him more than I did?

*************************

153

I’m not made of Marble or stone. I’m made of warm And loving flesh, And I long to embrace you And let the warmth Of my being Flow through you, And make you glad That you’re not Made of marble or stone, But of warm and loving flesh. 154

CHAPTER 12

……. STILL IN SUDAN …….

155

Your words make my heart begin to throb. Words sweetened with honey. You make my body boil, overflowing with desire. You tantalize me with your soft lips, as you Search out my tongue with yours, leaving me Breathless with your deep wet kisses. My body is yearning with passion as you Caress my skin gently, Exploring every inch of me, Wanting to please my every need. As I look into your eyes, I see That seductive look and feel love’s Passion burning within you. Enticing you with my lips, I explore your naked body Making you sway with desire. I hear you moan in pure delight. With my finger tips as light as a feather I caress your skin and I feel your body tremble under my touch. Through out the night we whispered Our love for one another as Our bodies move in perfect rhythm, And we explored the fire within us As we melt away into ecstasy. As morning approached we drift off to Sleep wrapped in one another’s arms As satisfied lover ……… 156

It’s been nearly two months since our affair started

- or more

accurately since Jeff and I started corresponding.

It still feels like a dream ….. but with everything that’s happened, I have got to believe this is true. And I no longer feel ashamed about going out with a young man. Is there an age limit to love? To me, there is not - neither to him as he had assured me many times. So when I went to check my emails on October 6, resigned to the fact that Jeff was ‘my man’.

I was

************** Here is what he had written:

Sorry, my LOVE ….. but it’s been a HECTIC day ….. but I don’t want to ruin the moment as I want you to watch the SHOW today ….. But simply put, we flew to the headquarters of the Janjaweed Arab Militia and didn’t even get past the airport …. we were turned back despite the fact that we had all the necessary paperwork …. the reason: you’ll just have to watch the SHOW ….. Otherwise, I’m fine and back in El Fasher and will be LIVE around 5.27 a.m. (my time) and again just before the SHOW ends in the following hour ….. I MISS you and LOVE you very much and hope you had a GREAT day ….. JK

157

PS.

Imagining you ‘SHAVED’, I’m thinking some VERY DIRTY thoughts ……….. it’s called ‘Brazilian wax’ -

‘SHAVED’? …..

I liked that. It made me realize that Jeff hadn’t lost his humanity. Even being in a place like that, he was still a man ……. And to keep him going, I wrote back immediately:

So it seems, I am just lucky because I felt asleep - but now I am awake and it is 4:50 a.m. your time - that means I will not be missing your LIVE … Coming back to the other subject raised: thanks for the advice on the ‘Brazilian wax procedure’ - I will do my best ….. and I am glad you had some ‘dirty’ thoughts …. Sorry, that I do not sound very serious considering where you are right now - but I wanted you to smile …. Marianne *********** Okay, I know you are scratching your head, wondering what the hell a Brazilian wax procedure is. Let me give you a clue. There are things that even a woman like me can’t handle without blushing. And this is one of them. Got the idea? Thank you. Now …… here is what Jeff wrote after my acceptance of his Brazilian wax idea:

158

Hope you had some sleep …… we are just getting ready now for the program ….. one more SHOW and then we can get some rest ….. there will be NO AC360 tomorrow ….. But we’ll be working on other stories (and Oprah Winfrey has requested me to do a special report for her from Darfur). Also this weekend, on Inside Africa the whole SHOW is out of Darfur …. So if you think you have had ENOUGH of me - think again ……… I LOVE YOU minutes…..

….. and ‘see you’

on TV

in a few

JK

PS.

‘wax’ is GREAT ….. you will LOVE it ….. I have this feeling!!!!!!!!!!!! And then I can be your FIRST in this ‘new phase’ ******************

Forgive me for asking, but where was Jeff getting the time and the sense to focus on a wax and a new phase? If it was your man who showed such dedication to you, wouldn’t you feel great? Well, that’s exactly how I felt. And so when I wrote back, I spurred him on, set him a path to further fantasy.

159

Here is how I did it: …… No way - I will never have ‘enough’ of you …..

Good luck for your SHOW and ‘see’ you on TV - and then go to sleep. You must be exhausted. And when you are feeling better and in the mood, tell me more ….. about making love and your fantasies. I will then most probably join you again …… I took Jeff an hour to write back…. and by then, it was obvious that the LIVE wasn’t going to be ……. When Jeff wrote, he confirmed my fears that there had been a problem:

Well, they played the story and we had PROBLEMS with the TRANSMISSION - so the LIVE was ‘killed’ …. what happens with LIVE TV ….. we call it ‘Murphy’s Law’ …. What can go wrong, will go wrong !!!!!!!!!! Hope you enjoyed at least the story …….. Tomorrow is another day …….. I’m off to sleep in a couple of minutes …… ‘Showbiz’ is getting a little TIRING !!!!!!!!! Thinking of ME in YOU as I go to dreamland !!!!!!!!! Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

160

And the same evening he wrote to me a very alarming letter – what a shocker - an arrest? All my alarm bells starting ringing ……….. just listen to this:

Time to leave ………… I think our reports are getting to these PEOPLE……. We got arrested this afternoon just as we were doing some stuff for INSIDE AFRICA ……. as usual they wanted to see our paperwork (which we produced) and they still drove us to the Central Police Station …… BASTARDS ….. and kept us for two hours until right before IFTA (the breaking of the fast) and then they let us go …….. You can just imagine how PISSED-OFF FUCKING FASCISTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was …..

I’m so pissed-off but I realize that’s what they want …. and our stories are being seen around the world and that’s beginning to bother them ….. it’s going to be interesting when we try to leave the country Saturday night / Sunday morning ….. Maybe, they’ll be ONLY too happy to see us GO !!!!!!! What a FUCKING DAY …….. sometimes I just wish there weren’t days like this ……… but hey, the GOOD balances out the BAD !!!!!!!!! How was your day, my LOVE ?????????????? Hope it was better than mine !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love YOU, JK

161

I replied immediately:

……… I am scared to death …… luckily Sue is here with me and can comfort me. I am so worried for you and hope that you will be able to leave the country without more problems. Of course, they are nervous because your reports created a lot of attention around the world. Especially the one about the raping etc. Please be careful…….. Marianne ********* Rape. Rape. Rape. - How I am hating that word……. I am aware that many military organizations around the globe have used forced sex as a tool of terror and inflicted submission. But fact is that no man can be allowed to force himself into any woman. Period. Because for the raped woman, the scars are life-long. Is it any wonder that the conquered communities just wait until they are strong enough to exact revenge to do it …. and the deadly cycle of violence continues? But I digress….. ***************

162

Here is what Jeff wrote back to say:

Thanks, my LOVE ………. I’ll be fine …… believe me….. I have been in worse situations before ……….. I’ll be fine !!!!!!!!!!!! Tell Sue I said Hi ……. JK If you are wondering who Sue is - she is one of my best friends and had been sometimes with me when Jeff called…. She grew up in Zambia and part of her family still lives there. It’s that African connection that made us become friends and kept us like that. So when I wrote back, I also passed greetings from her. Here is what I said:

…….. this does not make me more relaxed telling me about ‘worse’ situations in the past ….. this was past, my Love - now you belong to me or at least that’s how I feel ….. so don’t try to calm me down. I am worried full stop…….. I love you too much to just sit back and ‘relax’ ….. let me be worried for you …… And ‘hello’ from Sue too ….. Marianne He replied instantly:

Good night, my ANGEL …… and thanks for caring ….. 163

Listen, I’m off to bed as we have a LONG day tomorrow starting at 6 a.m. (not the Cooper Show) but doing stuff for INSIDE AFRICA …….. I hope you’ll be watching tomorrow evening ……… We hope to be back in Khartoum sometime in the afternoon …….. I’ll be in touch then ……. Kiss Kiss, my SWEET …….. have a glass of wine for me …… and enjoy the rest of the evening. JK

********************************

164

In the dark ………… Your breath comes heavy …… And you sigh……... In the dark ……….. You reach for me. In the dark ……….. Your touch sets My every nerve on fire. In the dark ……….. My breathing comes heavy ….. And I sigh….. In the dark ………… We find the light In each other’s arms. 165

CHAPTER 13

BACK IN KHARTOUM …..

166

When you hold me close you calm my Fears. When you hold my hand tight in yours You chase away all my tears. You reach for a star from high above And gently Place in the palm of my hand. You have given me a precious treasure The gift of holding your heart and no Longer do I feel the fears of within. As you softly sing to me a soothing Melody I slowly drift off to sleep in your Loving arms. 167

When I did not hear from Jeff the following day,

I called him on his cell phone. Although he had given me this number once, I had never called him before. This was the first time. He picked up but told me that he could not speak right now …. That worried me to death. Was he under arrest again? Or had he even been kidnapped? But then an hour later he wrote - and all my worries were gone:

Sorry, my Darling ….. I was actually on the phone …. on LIVE Television in Normandy at this AWARD ceremony ….. they were announcing that I just won TWO awards in the PRIX BAYEUX, a very PRESTIGEOUS FRENCH award ……. You are the FIRST to know now ….. even before my wife….. I’ll call you shortly ….. sorry I couldn’t call earlier …. We got in at about the time the Inside Africa was showing… JK I was excited about the news from France, but before I could write to tell him how I felt - he called. He was again the usual Jeff - obviously very happy – and immediately brought up his favorite pet subject MAKING LOVE…… IF and WHEN and especially HOW…. Before finishing our conversation, he then told me quite casually - that he would take some days off and therefore may not call or write for a while. 168

Depressed about the way he had told me this, I wrote to him:

….. maybe we should take a little bit distance - let’s carry on with our own life. Like you said, you take some days off and will call me ‘some time’ next week. That’s also a hint for me that you feel the same: ‘too close - to fast’ ……. I love you - that’s a fact. I want you - that’s another fact. But let’s wait a few days and then decide how and if we continue. Marianne My letter got to him. I knew it did because he wrote to me from the Khartoum Airport and he sounded a little ….. pissed. Here is what he said:

Sitting at the lounge at Khartoum Airport …. it’s 2:30 a.m. my time …. We’ve checked in all our 16 pieces of luggage and we’re finally in the Business Class Lounge …. Our flight leaves (as you know) at 3:35 a.m. As usual, you’re JUMPING to conclusions …. but then again, that’s just you …. I can’t really PUSH that part of you …. until you’re ready to TRUST !!!!!!!!!!!

169

It’s been a GREAT week …. someone in my position COULDN’T have asked for a BETTER week …. I ask that you are HAPPY for me …. and celebrate with me (I wish we could do it physically) … have a glass of wine for me …. and I’ll TOAST you too ….. and even have a cigar on you ….. Think GOOD thoughts, MY SWEET ………. WE shall MEET ….. and SOON ….. so if you’re the ONE that’s NOT ready, then tell me …….. I missed your voice this week ……… and was HAPPY to chat with you if but for a few minutes ……. JK Realizing that my last letter obviously had hurt him, I replied:

No more worries ….. I have thought about our yesterday’s phone conversation and our following emails and have come to the following conclusions: It was wrong for me to panic or as you called it to react ‘paranoid’. From now onwards I will continue enjoying communicating verbally and in writing with you as we did during last few weeks - sometimes on serious issues, sometimes just an ‘trivial’ love-making matters …. The latter of course bringing more fun that the first but making the first even more valuable. I have also decided to see if we can make the up to now ‘dreaming’ love-making a reality …. so be beware of this fact, too.

170

Only in putting together all the above three ‘issues, I will get to know the real and complex JK – and that’s what I have in mind to do ………. In short: no more worries ….. only pleasures …. at least as far as I am concerned. Can we agree on this? Are you willing (and able) discovery’ together with me?

to go on this

‘road of

Marianne His immediate reply:

……… DEAL ………YOU and ME …..…… TOGETHER …..... ……ALWAYS …… JK ______________________________________________

***************************

171

I want to get lost in you, Get lost to your touch, Your feel, your charms. I want to fall asleep beside you, Wrapped in the warmth of your arms. I want to know you as I’ve known no other. I want to love you as I’ve never loved. I want to move you and be moved by you, Bodies and souls ungloved………. 172

CHAPTER 14

BACK IN JOHANNESBURG …..

173

Only you could arouse my inner passions, To the limit of the sky, and further Beyond. This hunger for your sensuous touch, Completely devours my deepest desires. I cry out your name each restless night. For I long to be with you, my Love. How I yearn for your sensuous lips To tenderly be placed upon mine. As it ravishes my soul far beyond words. Tonight I shall reveal my hidden confession, That when it comes to you, my Love, I have these uncontrollable obsessions. 174

Although Jeff had warned me that he would take some days

off and had sounded like it was an immediate thing, he actually left only two days later. But on Tuesday, October 10, he went back to the Office since he had to work on the script for the OPRAH SPECIAL and to check on my DHL package with the Barbra Streisand CD and mainly the special photo….. When he got the package, he called immdiately. He sounded all excited when he confirmed that he had just received everything. I told him that I had spoken with my daughter about him, about us and that she told me ‘Mami, just enjoy him - don’t think too much - he seems to be a nice man……so stop worrying”. After this he then wrote:

What a LOVELY picture ….. so tasteful, so beautiful, so seductive ….. so INVITING !!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT ….. and feel CLOSER to you now more than ever ……. Thanks also for the Barbra Streisand CD cherish it FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!!

…. I shall

I just got back into the office this morning and busy tidying up and doing expenses and trying to work on a story I did for OPRAH WINFREY ….. I missed you ALL OF YESTERDAY, thought of YOU a lot ….. thought of the picture ….. and how it would be …. and I’m so HAPPY and so LOOKING forward to EXPLORING the rest of that ‘carefully’ hidden BODY !!!! 175

Your DAUGHTER is wise BEYOND her YEARS ….. and for once you should take her advice and ENJOY life and ENJOY ME ….. and US ….. I’m pleasantly surprised you share such intimate secrets with her …..does she tell you about affairs she has while her husband is ‘away’???? I am sure she does as it’s ONLY human …. and tempting and lonely OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!! Have a GREAT day, my LOVE, and keep SMILING …. …….as I am looking at your BEAUTIFUL image !!!!!!!!!!!! JK Although as I said earlier, I was still struggling with self-doubts - and who wouldn’t when you meet one of Africa’s most recognizable faces and he says he is in love with you? But encouraged by his attitude toward my picture and the Barbra Streisand CD, I wrote:

So finally you got it and I am ‘pleased’ you love it. I missed you too - as I always do. My daughter - to whom I spoke again yesterday evening - could not stop giggling about us. I had to read to her some of our mails since she told me that it is better I do otherwise she would start to imagine what we have written to each other and that could turn out even ‘worse’ than the reality ….. (but don’t worry, I still left out some very private details - although she protested since she realized that there was ‘something’ missing ….) Now I let you continue working …. I am also on the German translation which I have to finish as soon as 176

possible since Frederik wants to pass it to his Publisher. He comes back to Switzerland at the end of the month and as agreed, I will also ask him to do your ‘handwriting expertise’ …. let’s see which advice he will give me ….. Have a good day …. M. Minutes later he called and asked if I had decided to meet him in London during the forthcoming CNN Conference. “Can you make it?” he asked. I replied, “Maybe ….. but just for one night.” - One - ????? There was silence on his side for more than two minutes and then – with a faint voice – he said, “If this is all you want …………” What did he mean by that? I wanted him to protest, to show me that he wanted me there longer, wanted to be with me for more than just one night. But he didn’t catch the cue, so I wrote to drop another one:

……. No protest? I thought you would be protesting when I said, “I come to London but just for one night …. or would you ‘survive’ another night?” He shot back immediately:

…… speak for yourself …….. 177

It seems like you’d made up your mind ALREADY about this ONE NIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So WHO am I to PROTEST ????????? Besides, I KNOW I can SURVIVE ….. but can YOU ???? I realized that he had taken this whole thing very serious – too serious – and I had to smooth him down a bit. So I wrote:

No - actually I was teasing you a bit and I liked it…. My real intention was to tell you - and this is now serious - that I want to combine the trip to London with Zurich. And I am also planning to meet Troon in London. So I will also be busy like you during the day. But then there are always the nights …. as you once said. So - coming to the conclusion - if there is the possibility to spend more time with you, just tell me. Since I have decided ‘to take the risk’, I am not planning to let you go that fast. But I only can talk about me. What about you ??? M. _________________________________________

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He must have been waiting for my reply, because only one minute passed until I could read his reaction to this:

I will only know about the LONDON meetings for sure in a week’s time ……… And YES, the NIGHTS are ALL YOURS …… As soon as I find out, we can ‘make a plan’ !!!!!!!!!!!! Can YOU handle it ???????????????? ‘Handle it’ ? - he must be joking ……. so I replied: ….. of course …. I am already making certain plans details of which could be discussed beforehand for your ‘approval’ and you could also let me know yours ………. So let’s start going into this ‘adventure of discovering each other’….. Since we do not have much time, we should already start – at least in our fantasy. I am doing this since some days (and nights) and must say ‘not bad’ ……… But there are also many things you do not know about me yet and I hope there will be many things we have to discover about each other in the future. And this does not only refer to the subject ‘how and if and when to make love with each other…’ I am intending to get to know ‘all’ of you …. I hope, this does not scare you??? And most important: what do you think about that ‘special’ photo of mine ????? Are you too shocked and without words??? M. 179

His reply:

……… as for TEASING me, you can do that anytime …. I just get a little ‘defensive’ …. but that’s just me !!!!!!!! Did you send Sassa a copy of my book? I remember you said she wanted to read it …… it’s so good to know you have such a WONDERFUL relationship with her ….. You are a LUCKY woman, MJB …. you should THANK GOD every day for her !!!!!!!!!!!! I know I don’t know EVERYTHING about you ….. but I intend to ….. EVENTUALLY ….. POLE POLE !!!!!!!!!! I AM ‘FANTASIZING’ on your PHOTO as I write this …. can’t wait to TOUCH, FEEL, LICK and DEVOUR the REAL THING !!!!!!!!!!!!! ***************** Is that what having been in a war zone does to a man? Maybe all of you military wives then need to send your men to some hot spot and wait for them with everything you got when they come back ….. And then his admission that having affairs is ONLY human …. because it is tempting and lonely OUT THERE…… I could have even agreed on that ….. but he was now back in Johannesburg and together with his wife …… So why was he still thinking about me, longing to be with me, dreaming of making love to me ???????

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But I’m getting ahead of myself because I’ve still got to meet Mr. DEVOUR THE REAL THING – JEFF KOINANGE and see how things turn out, right? *********** To spur him on, I then wrote:

…. So now I have to be ‘careful’ with you – being ‘defensive’ ? Not with me - as I said - I have realized that already. When I mentioned the ‘one night only’, there was a moment of silence on your side and your voice had changed when you replied – a bit low and a bit disappointed, but you did not want to show it ….. but that’s you …. and I understand. And it also shows me the sensitive and tender side of you – and I love you also or especially for that. I have learned a lot about you when watching the ‘show’ from Darfur and that was also the reason why my daughter finally ‘approved’ you. So to the three awards you got during the last week, you can add another one …. I miss you – and looking at your photo here in front of me – even more. M. When he replied to this letter, he attached a photo of the Prix Bayeux Award Ceremony….:

…. Here’s what I was doing when you called me on Saturday night in Khartoum… 181

I was on the phone with the folks in Normandy and they had my picture on the stage …… Yet another photo for YOU to FANTASIZE with …. Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL. JK ‘Kiss Kiss’ ? …. How sweet - here is my reply: Thanks - I am also sending it to my daughter since she has become a ‘fan’ of yours. I am very proud of you and proud that I ‘caught’ you although I still wonder how and how fast and how strong and how much I have fallen in love with you. Do you have an explanation? M. Here’s his immediate reply: ….. explanation is

very SIMPLE ….. it’s called CHEMISTRY …. and it’s MUTUAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!! JK

*********

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‘Chemistry’ ?

Wasn’t it exciting being in love with a

young man?

All the men I dated in the past never talked about ‘chemistry’ ……. that word hadn’t been invented yet …. at least not as a romantic jargon. Excited about London, the nights I would spend in Jeff’s arms, the feeling of being renewed by the power of young love, I said ….

This is crazy ….. I have realized that we have gone back to spending most of our time on the computer writing to each other. Are you sure, you are working seriously besides that? I see you ‘jumping’ - so relax, I am just teasing you…… I love discussing with you and I know you are smiling now like I do. It gives me a good feeling to know you are there ‘on the other end’. But to be honest, I want to touch you, feel you more than ever …… And now I think I better go swimming. The water is very cold now and only some Scandinavians and Dutch living here are crazy to go into the pool besides me. But it helps ….. at least for a while until I start again looking at your photo ….. and that’s the end of all serious thinking… M. And Jeff:

Have a GREAT swim ….. and think of ME making love to you in the POOL …………..WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I’m off home now ….. the script has been APPROVED by OPRAH and we’ll start editing in the morning ….. I LOVE and MISS you MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS ……. JK It would have been nice to let his words play on till the next day, but a woman had to have the last word, right? So I shot off one last letter: ……. Too cold right now - and it is a public one …. I don’t like people watching - and envying me, for sure…. Have a nice evening and until tomorrow - I hope. M.

But I had been wrong – the last word was his…. Because after having seen my email, he called: ‘that’s typical Marianne – not one bit romantic…..

but tell me, did you ever make love in a pool ? So you just wait and see - I can assure you, it will be magic………’ And with these words, this ‘crazy’ October 10th finally came to an end….. But just read the next chapters because the craziness also continued the following days…..

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I can see you, my Love: You arrive with wind swept hair And whisper softly against my pillow. With a touch, you bring the summer heat to my heart And a garden full of lush red roses. The taste and feel of you is delicious, And I feast on your closeness, While fire sizzles along my every nerve. As the stars burn in a black velvet sky, I’m lost to you And the familiar and magnificent tug of desire That only you can inspire ………………

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CHAPTER 15

- JOHANNESBURG …….THE FOLLOWING DAY ……

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When the days are cold and lonely And the nights are hard to bear, Look inside your heart: I’ll be there ……… When your life is going no where And you think that no one cares, Look inside your heart: I’ll be there ……… When you think that no one needs you And your love is hard to share, Look inside your heart: I’ll be there ……… When you wish that I were with you And no feelings do compare, Look inside your heart: I’ll be there ……... 187

Early in the morning on this October 11,

I wrote:

I hope you had a relaxing evening and good sleep – I got up very early and have continued working on the German Edition of the Shining Star. I had a long conversation with Frederik yesterday and he suggested I should write it as an autobiography using all correct names instead of fictional ones like in the English version. This would make the whole story much stronger. What do you think? Of course, it is more ‘risky’ but seeing how the political scene in Kenya is developing (Moi making again agreements with Biwott against Uhuru and maybe we are ending up with Biwott being a presidential candidate even sponsored by Moi, Gideon etc.) I am even tempted to re-write the English version again based on the much stronger German one. I found out - actually from the first moment you and I got into contact with each other - that you are inspiring me and have also given me more assurance about this whole issue. And even dreaming about you and us, started to make my thinking creative and my fantasies alive. I have started to remember things which I had chosen to forget - private details about the ‘the men in my life’ which all of the sudden are not hurting that much anymore. I just look at your photo in front of me and I know that everything is again in place - that I can talk and write to someone who understands.

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Therefore - and that’s the reason for this mail - thanks for being there with me …… Marianne ______________________________________ I did not expect to receive a reply soon. He had just come back from his tiring trip to Darfur and maybe did not go to the office that regularly because he wanted to spend some time with his wife - something a ‘normal’ man and husband would do I thought ……. at least that’s what I would have expected from him if I was his wife …… So much to my big surprise, he wrote back almost instantly and replied to all questions raised in my last letter - but read for yourself:

Good morning …..I slept like a ‘baby’ …. thinking GOOD thoughts of YOU ….. By the way, what’s the translation of the book you were reading when the photo was taken ?????? I am busy putting ‘OPRAH’s STORY’ together …. it’s going to be one of those where people will OPENLY weep …. this one is STRONG !!!!!!!! I agree with Frederik about using REAL names …. the English one would have been more effective with REAL names as well but I know you have to be ‘protective’……… Besides, you’ve already PISSED-OFF Number ONE and many others by the close resemblance to names etc. – why do you want to PISS them off even more ?????? Or do you just like TROUBLE ???? 189

I always meant to ask you ….. doesn’t it bother you that the man you had a long and strong relationship with is the same man you are now writing about ??????? I’d better be CAREFUL, I don’t PISS YOU OFF ….. Goodness knows what you’ll do ?????????? You know what they say ….. “Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t worry, I don’t plan to do anything to HURT you… you mean too much to me ….. by your words, your deeds, your TRUST, your demeanor !!!!!!!!!!!! I’m still waiting to hear from Atlanta about the LONDOM trip …. as soon as I know, you’ll know ………… Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL JK Do I like trouble????? And what about that proverb he used ‘Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned???????? This man is definitely becoming a serious issue ……… Don’t you agree with me ????????? But since I had to answer Jeff’s questions, here is what I said:

….. regarding your questions: my book is not a ‘revenge’ at all on Moi as Biwott has put it already when talking about me to the Committee. 190

There are two subjects: one is my private relationship with Daniel arap Moi - at that time a very caring man and a quite good lover too (I am honest as you know) …. but after I left and especially after the attempted military coup in 1982 everything changed. I did not know how much until I started to have the problems with Biwott, the corruption and finally Dr. Ouko’s killing. I had avoided seeing Moi during this time and therefore did not know how much he had changed. Dr. Ouko made some hints sometimes in telling me “you should have continued with him, maybe things would be different now – you would have been ‘perfect’ for him, if only he would not have been so stupid to let you go” …. But I had chosen the ‘easy’ way ….. doing business or at least trying to do and having again an affair with Dr. Mungai …. Does not make sense - I know - so give up to understand. Women are sometimes not very rational. But if you read A Shining Star carefully, you will see that my feelings for him had been and in a certain way are still strong. At least they enable me to remember also the good things we had together …. Marianne And attached to this I repeated a ‘love-email’ which I had already sent to him while he was in Darfur …. Why? I wanted to jog his memory - this is how it read:

191

…. I can feel your hands and your mouth already now just thinking about you and I know that you will give me unbelievable pleasure. When I am sleeping, these feelings of excitement become even much stronger. I can already feel you in me, moving in me, touching me, kissing me. I can see the excited expression on your face, the happiness of fulfillment in your eyes. And I do not want to wake up in the morning just to realize that it was only a dream and I am still here alone and without you. So sometimes I just close my eyes hoping that I can fall asleep again ….. and in my dreams you come back to me. So you see, my expectations are high …. are you ready to fulfill them …. one by one and uncountable times ???? I need you very much …. but not ‘only’ the lover …. Also the man I got to know a little bit better during these last days (and nights) watching you doing your job in such a serious and responsible way. …… now you can decide what to do: smile - or both……

either blush or

M. This time it aroused him. Listen to him opine: For the first time in a long time, I’m at a LOSS for WORDS ……. and very HARD as we speak …….. I’ll have to sit at my Desk for a while before ‘COOLING’ off ….. you have made me very HAPPY ….. I LOVE YOU ….. ALL OF YOU …………. 192

JK And my short reply to this:

I am glad I GOT YOU - AT LAST ……… Later that same day he wrote again:

….. tell me something ….. actually you don’t have to …. it’s totally up to you …. but I’ve been curious for a while now …….. Did you and Dr. Bob have an AFFAIR ??????? I know, you did business with him and he with you …. But, I’m just curious ….. nothing more ?????????? Again, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. JK Although I was at first shocked and also a bit angry over this question, I decided that it was better to ‘stay cool’. Because there had always been rumors about me and Dr. Ouko - most of them distributed by Nicholas Biwott - I thought that by replying to Jeff, this would be a perfect opportunity for me to put things straight once and for all. Here is what I wrote to Jeff:

No – we were really good friends - and I was also very close to his wife and his children. He also never ever tried - there was a mutual feeling for each other. But as I said before, it also included his wife 193

and children. I cherished their friendship and love a lot their home in Loresho was for me a kind of ‘safe haven’ where I relaxed in a very loving atmosphere. He was very much in love with his wife and adored his children. Our relationship was more on the ‘intellectual’ basis. He could talk with me about things and people he would not have spoken about even with his wife. He was a very traditional African - like Moi - but with me he made an exception not to see the woman but a person he could trust. I was very proud of that and would have never ‘spoilt’ that in starting a love affair with him - and he felt the same. He anyway knew that I was still seeing Dr. Mungai whom he liked and respected very much ….. Besides, Mrs. Ouko has just confirmed this also in front of the Sunguh Committee where she told them that I have been like a part of her own family - a very close and trusted friend of her and her husband …. I think, there is nothing to add …….. M. Jeff’s response was swift:

Hey SWEETNESS, I was just curious ….. you don’t have to be so DEFENSIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s ok …………. I STILL LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

194

I replied:

What does this mean: I ‘still’ love you …..?????? But no problem, I have nothing to hide from you and I also do not intend to hide anything in the future. You know already too much about me that I could step back now ….. are you now happy???????? When Jeff did not react to this letter, I guessed he felt like walking on ‘eggs’ ……. and strangely, I felt relieved that he dropped that subject. When he wrote nearly four hours later via his BlackBerry since he was already on his way home, he completely changed the subject. Just listen to this …..

I was listening to Barbra and Celine in the car on the way home and it was simply BEAUTIFUL ….. thank you so much !!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have a song for YOU / US …… it’s by an American singer, Joshua Kadison and it’s called ‘Beautiful in my eyes’ ….. I shall get it for you and mail it …… I think you will like it ….. in fact, I know you will like it !!!!!!!!!!! Have a pleasant evening and DREAM of US !!!!!!!!!!! Kiss Kiss, my ANGEL ……… JK

195

Talk of cunning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that’s how this October 11th ended …. ************** But wait until you read about the following days …… and you will for sure start asking yourself the same question I did many times before: Does this man ever work seriously ???????????? But just decide for yourself …….

******************************

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I didn’t want to love you, But your light penetrated all the barriers I erected And reached deep inside my heart to set my world aglow. You inspired bliss like I’d never known And made me hear the music again. I didn’t want to need you, But after I saw your face, I’ve never stopped thinking about you, And I crave your nearness, yearn to wrap you in my arms And press your body close to mine. I didn’t want to desire you, Yet I hunger for you like the springtime Blossom hungers for sunshine. I need your touch, and I want to make love to you Slowly and passionately before the fire. Only my fantasies of you, wonderfully hot, Yet silky and soft, sustain me …… 197

CHAPTER 16

JEFF …… INQUISITIVE JOURNALIST AND LOVER- BOY

198

Memories The winds blow gently on my mind Reminding me of you; I smile …… I close my eyes Knowing dreams do come true. I see you there in the center of my heart I stand in your warm embrace; I see the love in your eyes I gently caress your face. Memories are a precious gift We have shared the old, we will make the new; I hold you close, though we are miles apart…. My best memories were made with you.

199

The following day

- October 12th - will have to go down as the day Jeff and I started fighting for the first time…….. That breezy morning, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. because I heard the phone ring and when looking at the ID realized that it was Jeff calling via his private cell-phone .... and that he was in an extremely bad mood ……… Without any polite preliminaries, ‘inquisition’:

he started his

“Tell me everything about the men you have dated, especially the ones in Kenya …. I want to know every detail. After we spoke yesterday, I could not sleep a wig last night just thinking what you might be hiding from me. Talk to me …….” Listening to his voice, I was slowly becoming more and more angry …..’the men in my life?’ - what did he mean with that and which right did he even have to ask such a question? Was this the same sweet man of the last days who was now accusing me of all kinds of things? Why should I even feel responsible if he could not sleep? What about his wife? 200

Why did he have to pester me like that? So without saying one word, I hung up on him …. But he did not give up and the ‘game’ continued for the next 30 minutes and 6 more phone calls – all starting with his question: “

“You said, you would not hide anything from me so what are you afraid of now that you cannot tell me…?” Finally, I had enough and after having told him again to stop this, I decided it was better to go to the pool and enjoy a swim. He must have continued calling and when he realized that I was not replying anymore, he got ‘pissed’ and wrote his first scathing letter to me:

Grown woman acting like CHILD !!!!!!!!!!!!! What seems to be your PROBLEM ????????? I can’t ask even ANY question NOW ???????? Don’t forget, I am first and foremost a JOURNALIST and I ask a lot of QUESTIONS …… you don’t have to get so SENSITIVE !!!!!!! You need to RELAX and take a DEEP breath because you’re FIGHTING the WRONG MAN here …. I’m asking because I CARE !!!!!!!! I don’t want to FIGHT ….. and I don’t want to ARGUE …. If you don’t want me to find out about you, just say so….. and I WON’T ASK any more questions !!!!!! 201

The reason I ask these questions is because I’ve FALLEN IN LOVE with this AMAZING woman who shares the same things in LIFE as I do ….. We’ve learned to laugh TOGETHER, talk TOGETHER, MAKE LOVE (over the phone) TOGETHER and most of all TRUST each other ….. TOGETHER !!!!!!!!! Don’t MESS it up by being PARANOID and second guessing my intentions …. That will PISS ME OFF !!!!!! I tried to call you but maybe NOW you DON’T even want to take my calls !!!!!!!!!!!???????????? Come on, Marianne ….. let’s behave as ADULTS …. Because sometimes I just don’t have the patience to try and find out what you REALLY mean !!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH …. THEN, NOW and ALWAYS. JK Okay - had I been wrong for being mad at his questions regarding my past? I just didn’t understand what they had to do with him and I. And having been betrayed by too many people, I didn’t trust anybody who had the temerity to dig into my past. That’s why I was so angry and in a certain way also disappointed. But I decided that I had to move on and wrote to him in reply to his letter. 202

Here is what I told him:

Just one small correction: you say we have made love over the phone …. As far as I remember, that was discussed but never put into reality …. because I stopped you already in your first sentence “Take the phone into your left hand and then….”. I made love to you ‘with words’ in writing – but never over the phone ….. this topic is still ‘open’…. And regarding questioning me, you can ask me whatever you want ….. and I will reply whatever I want …. Deal ??????? M. He replied immediately via his BlackBerry:

I stand corrected …. you are right ….. ‘in words’ only …. FOR NOW ….. And YES ….. DEAL …. I LOVE YOU, Marianne. JK Let me be honest, I felt a little bit guilty after thinking things through. It seemed Jeff was not out to dig into my past for malicious reasons, on the contrary. 203

He did it because he was in love with me - at least that’s how he explained it and I had no reason not to believe him (not at that time at least)…. And so, here is how I apologized to him:

Childish???????? Yes, I preferred to go to the pool - cooling down a bit and to be honest - and here you are right - I was fearing you would call again and I did not want to start another discussion. Deep in my heart I hoped you would reply like this - but it is very difficult for me to accept your and my feelings sometimes I think, I am wrong to feel so much about you and I try to put my life together again. Although you may find it ‘boring’, but I have a kind of social life too. Member in the American and German Club, Board Member of the Foreign Residents Association, some Animal Rescue Organizations and Wildlife Protection etc. – Boring for you, but fun for me since it is so different from the life I was leading before. And now you have come into this - and that’s what is scaring me. Did you not listen to the words of the song of Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion which I have sent you “Tell him” …. I miss you very much. M.

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Jeff’s reply was swift:

You missed your chance to TALK to me when you STUBBORNLY decided to go SWIMMING when you KNEW deep down inside that I would call again ….. As for the OPRAH STORY, we already sent it to Chicago yesterday and they have the EXCLUSIVE first look …. the air date is Oct. 23rrd in the States … no idea when it will AIR in the rest of the World ….. you’ll have to ‘watch-out’ for it …. and believe me, it’s WELL WORTH!!!!!! Regarding the SONG for us - I’m still not sure again, PATIENCE is a VIRTUE ….. GERMAN romantic or not!!!!!! You see, you can be really ‘SPOILT’ when you want to be ….. except with ME !!!!!!!!!!! JK I replied: …. Are you trying to teach me some lessons????? How

to ‘behave’ with you - otherwise….. ?????

I know, patience is not my strongest point - but I promise, I will try to be with you …. at least sometimes… not always … M. Jeff’s immediate reply:

Lesson ONE !!!!!!!!!!! - You are learning FAST …… 205

After shooting off that letter to me, he picked also up the phone and called. And just like I feared, he started again going into the same intimate questions. What was I to do? Thinking on the spot, I told him that I found it easier to talk about my past men in writing …. not over the phone. “I will answer your questions in writing - Deal ?”

“Deal - I am expecting your letter”, he said. A couple of minutes after the phone call, I sat down to answer Jeff’s questions. By reading my answers, you will be able to tell what the questions were, okay?

I know you are most curious about Moi - he was a surprisingly good lover …. but very shy …. and romantic… Mungai was totally different. He liked everything and wanted everything. He was very possessive too …. You remind me a lot of him - I think, I said this already before ….. you Kiambu-Kikuyus …. I remember a situation when we stayed together in a Hotel near Mombasa. We got the best room but he did not like the two beds in it - so the Manager had to arrange a big king-size bed instead and we found the personnel changing the beds when we came back from lunch. You should have seen me blushing …. and him just laughing …. Especially about the expression on my face … 206

So much to this ‘chapter’ - any more questions????? M. After 2 minutes I got his reply via his BlackBerry:

I don’t know if I like that comparison with Mungai - but hey, maybe you’ll change your mind once we meet and get to know each other more and touch each other more (both UPPER and LOWER body) and make LOVE and on and on and on !!!!!!!! Moi really comes across as an ‘Angel’ in your description. And a GOOD LOVER on top of that ?????? Rumors circulating around Nairobi when I was growing up is that he was WELL HUNG ?????? WELL ENDORSED ?? In other words, BIG or is it HUGE ?????? TRUE ?????? False ?????? Now that you’re opening up, you might as well keep going on …. Talk to me …. JK Now …… wasn’t this bullshit ? Why was Jeff suddenly talking like that ? Into which direction was he trying to guide me? But if that messy email was anything to go by, I didn’t want to hang up on him again, so I wrote back, minimizing my comments about my past. 207

No intimate stuff please ….. you will never get me to give a ‘description’ - and that should make you also feel ‘safe’, I guess. I love you and that includes your mind AND body. The mind I have a little bit discovered during the last weeks - the body is still to be discovered and that will be very exciting. So please relax - you will be the No. 1 Kiambu-Kikuyu for me - I am very sure of that ….. M. He only replied to this the following day and I was glad he dropped the crap about Moi and Mungai. But let me not preempt his letter. Here it is ….

There’s so much I want to do with you, to you, on you, IN YOU !!!!!!!!! It’s UNBELIEVABLE this feeling we both SHARE !!!!!! I can’t wait until we MEET ….. and don’t WORRY, it WILL happen – sooner rather than later !!!!!!! I miss you so much, my SWEET Princess !!!!!!!! JK

208

He then also called and informed me that he might have to go to the Congo for the Presidential Elections and therefore may not be able to meet me in London….. At the end of this call, he then continued with his favorite subject and going into some very intimate details including to make at least love over the phone to ‘bridge’ the time and to end his ‘sleepless’ nights just dreaming about it…….. When you read my reply, you will know what he was talking about:

You asked me about kissing and entering me with the mouth and I told you what I felt about it ….. The truth is that none of ‘my’ African men – and really none – has ever asked to do this or has even hinted to do it. This is why you got me totally by surprise when you started to talk about it in such an open way. – I almost fainted (I am joking – but honestly you really got me speechless for some time). But I have realized that you seem to be an expert (and not only in this, I am sure …) so I have started dreaming about this also – much to my own surprise – and I am really longing to feel your mouth kissing me and your tongue entering me. Come soon and fulfill all my and your dreams and fantasies …. Marianne

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Later that afternoon, he wrote:

Just to show you how much I love you, I went out searching for Joshua Kadison and believe it or not, finally FOUND him in one of the record shops in Joburg …. I LOVE this town !!!!!!! I then raced back to the office and in the meantime got stuck in traffic, but I told the office to make sure the FEDEX man waits for me …. he’d been waiting 30 minutes when I got back and I quickly put it in an envelope and handed it over to him. Bottom line, Joshua’s on his to you …. like I indicated on the accompanying note to you, Number 6 is dedicated to YOU so listen to EVERY WORD (opening line is ‘You’re my peace of mind in this crazy world…..’). Number 1 is good too …. It’s called ‘Jesse ….’ very very nice …. You see, I go to GREAT lengths to PLEASE you …. just wait until we MAKE LOVE !!!!!!!!!! Have a GREAT weekend and think GOOD THOUGHTS. Always YOURS, JK ************************** That’s how our first ‘fight’ played out: starting like shit ….. and ending great. But is this not what love is all about, won’t you agree?

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In a misty dream, I slept with you. As the world spun In the grace of God’s hands, We were comforted By each other’s nearness. And somewhere in the Misty midnight shadows, When my arms encircled you, And you folded your body Perfectly against mine, I knew that neither darkness, Nor the uncertainly of the night Would ever separate us……… 211

CHAPTER 17

A LESSON IN PATIENCE

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Few people come into our lives And make everything shine, But you’re one of those Rare and splendid jewels Who makes the whole world bright. When I was sad, you made me smile. When I was alone and blue, You were there for me, And you made me feel strong enough To accomplish anything. Because I appreciate the many things you do, more than words could say, I’m sending you the Candle of Love. 213

The weekend was quiet – I had company,

so I wasn’t on the computer as much and I also still had to digest the last days and what they could point to…. Finally, I had come to a decision and on Monday morning I then wrote:

I have decided no more sleepless nights anymore forget therefore also the proposal to make love over the phone - knowing me, it would anyway not work. I want you - the ‘whole’ Jeff Koinange – mind and body – and I want to make love to you – madly. But let’s wait until we may be able or not be able to fulfill this in the reality. If this is not possible and this is out destiny – let’s accept also this: It was a dream …… and nothing but a dream. Marianne When he did not reply, I added a few hours later:

I had been a little bit discouraged by your information that you have to go to the Congo and most probably will not be able to come to London. If this happens, what are we doing then? I need to see you, talk to you, hold you, feel you …. or are we continuing on the phone and on the PC? But for how long? Will this not one day kill the feelings we have for each other? Or will this make them even stronger?

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Many questions – and I know that none of them can be answered right now. Maybe you find some minutes to either write or call me??????? M. To this he finally replied and explained his silence:

Darling ….. Sorry, I haven’t talked to you all morning …. I’ve been busy running around doing a story on the whole Madonna adoption thing ….. it’s a BIG story in the States right now …. I’ll talk to you later ….. but just remember, I’m thinking of you and MISS talking to you!!!!!!!!! Did you get my mail about the Joshua Kadison CD???? Love you, JK Later that day he added:

One of those days ….. it’s what I call a ‘Manic Monday’ …. Too much NEWS happening ….. and keeping us TOO BUSY !!!!!!! But hey, tomorrow’s another day …..

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And I still haven’t heard from the ‘POWERS THAT BE’ about London so I’m still in LIMBO ….. hopefully we’ll have an answer in the next couple of days!!!!!!!! Hang in there, my LOVE ….. JK On Tuesday, October 17th the Joshua Kadison CD arrived including his handwritten ‘dedication’ of the song No. 6 to me - ’You will always be beautiful in my eyes’ ….. I therefore wrote:

You have chosen the right song – it ‘hits the spot’ of all my major doubts. Anyway, I have decided during the last days to leave behind all the ‘if …. but ….and why’ since it is worth to take the risk - you are worth it. I want to make you happy and I want to make love to you and find out how I can excite and please you most. And I am sure, you will do the same with me. I have somehow the feeling that we are on the same wave link also here - like we have already established in other things when we talk about people and subjects we are both interested in. This is – as you must be aware of - a major part of our attraction for me. It has not happened very often in my life with other men that I felt like that - having found (I hope) a lover, a friend and a person I can fully trust all this in one….

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You see, my confidence has come back - I am confident in you and in me and I am sure it will be ‘magic’ when we meet (you promised this many times, remember?). I love you, Marianne Jeff replied only the following day - and confirmed his former fears that the London meeting was not taking place soon. But read for yourself what he said:

….. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait a little longer before our ‘RENDEZVOUS’ …… I just got an email from Headquarters saying the London meeting has been postponed …. possibly until sometime in November (but no dates given) …. That means a DELAY and more ‘STRESS’ for the both of us …………. In the meantime, you’ll just have to keep listening to ‘Joshua’ and hope he can ‘bring’ you closer to me …. I’m still going off to the Congo next week for the second round of the presidential elections …. I leave a week from today and will be there for about a week …. Miss you so much …. JK

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A week in the Congo? - First of all, let me tell you that the

region around the Congo, Rwanda and Burundi is beautiful. Situated in the densely populated equatorial zone, it boasts some of the world’s tallest trees, rarest vegetation, deposits of diamonds, copper and bitumen and a display of the endangered Mountain Gorillas in the Virunga National Park. But all that beauty and richness is in danger of being wiped away by the unending wars. It would be nice if the younger Kabila, the current President, took the country in a radically different direction. If he did, the Congo could become one of the world’s richest countries and a very attractive tourist destination. I knew that Jeff had met Kabila before - could he now prod him to effect change? ****** Later that day I received another letter by Jeff. He must have realized that I needed some ‘comfort’ after his disappointing former email and wrote:

Hey SWEETNESS, It’s the end of another day ….. and I’m heading home …. going to put my feet up, have a nice glass of red wine and light up a nice Cuban cigar and think GOOD THOUGHTS !!!!!!!!!!! How’s Joshua doing ??????? Are you playing it over and over ???????? I knew you’d LIKE it ….. you see, I KNOW you better than you THINK !!!!!!!!!!!!

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Did you tell Sassa about it ????? What did she say ????? Keep enjoying ….. and I PROMISE you the REAL thing will be WORTH WAITING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!! Have a nice evening and as always ….. LOTS OF LOVE !!! JK For some reasons, after reading Jeff’s letters, I went to bed feeling like things were beginning to get a little out of kilter. The innocent connection that characterized our earlier days was giving way to questions, innuendo and fights. I didn’t like that. But I still hoped that when we met personally and made love all our issues would melt away. You wonder why I’m saying this? Okay, read his letter which he wrote the following day:

STOP jumping to conclusions ….. But I can’t call you right now because as you know I’m BUSY …. and there are people around !!!!!!!!!!! POLE POLE my dear …… all I’m saying is I’m a VERY private person …. and I prefer it that way !!!!!!!!!! Please UNDERSTAND !!!!!!!!! JK And that was just the first letter…………. 219

Soon after, he shot off another one:

I know, you’re USED to getting your WAY and getting things done the way you want them …. I’m NOT saying you are SPOILT ….. all I’m saying is that you NEED to learn to do things a little DIFFERENTLY with me …. I LOVE you too much now and I’m in TOO DEEP with feelings of YOU and ME ….. So let’s DO things ‘MY’ way for a while …. and NOT ‘Marianne’s’ way ALL THE TIME !!!!!!!!!! JK Before I could even think what to make out of this, a third letter arrived:

MY way ……..simply put, it is all about DISCRETION …. I lead a VERY public LIFE and ‘everybody’ knows me ‘as that guy on TV…..’ But they don’t KNOW the REAL ME ……. That’s why I like to KEEP that part of ME as ‘PRIVATE’ as possible …… and since I TRUST you FULLY, I expect the same …….. Let’s not make this more COMPLICATED than it already is ….. Before you know it, EVERYBODY will know you and I are having an AFFAIR and you don’t want that …. 220

After all, we’re living in a GLOBAL VILLAGE now and word gets around a lot faster than you know……and things can easily get out of CONTROL ….. DISCRETION is KEY, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So let’s keep it that way …………….. JK I did not understand why Jeff was bringing up the issue of discretion since I hadn’t done or said anything to suggest I might ‘spill the beans’ ….. Had reading my book made him start to wonder about my long term loyalty? Did he start worrying that should things go wrong, I was going to talk? I needed to tell him how I felt and therefore decided to write back:

Dear Jeff, I understand …. and that’s why we would never be able to see each other at a meeting with CNN-Officials like the one in London. So how do you think this could ever continue? Should we not give up right now - do you want to tell me this? I went through your today’s mails and I see only one message: you are afraid - afraid of yourself and of me.

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I do not know what has happened - but I know that maybe you want to tell me that it is over …. anyway there Was not much - just a few words - just a few dreams - that was all. And don’t continue telling me how much you love me this hurts even more …. Marianne Jeff’s reply - quite upset – was instant:

You’re NUTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! …. and Sassa was very right ….. you’re JUMPING to conclusions.

ALWAYS

WHY ????????? Why are you so PARANOID ??????? Can’t you see that you are making all this UP ????? Why do you make it so DIFFICULT for yourself ????? I NEVER said anything like ENDING NEVER want to END THIS ……..

THIS …..

I

I GOT INTO THIS EYES WIDE OPEN …… Please DON’T ATTEMPT to put words in my mouth ….. that HURTS !!!!!!!!!! I find it difficult trying to explain things to you and having you make your own CONCLUSIONS …….. DON’T DO THIS ……….. PLEASE ….. JK 222

Still not understanding what this was all about, replied:

I

I am sorry, but I am not jumping to conclusions like you say - I just do not want to be hurt anymore. I am very sad right now - and I had promised to myself years ago never to cry again because of a man. M. Two minutes later he called assuring me that he will always love me and tried to cheer me up until I finally started to laugh again …… After having put down the receiver, he then wrote:

I make you laugh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was nice to hear you laughing again ….. that’s what I want you to do more of ….. you see how easy it is for you to laugh ??????? I LOVE you and really long for you …. and it will happen ….. and it will be GOOD !!!!!!!!!!! Now go and swim ….. and remember that I’m thinking of you …….. ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!! JK Although he had tried to convince me that he really loved me, there was a doubt still lingering and a funny inner voice telling me that ‘this won’t end well’ ………….

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HOW I WISHED A HAD LISTENED BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE …………….

******************

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Whisper softly in my ear So that only I can hear. Make me imagine you………. Let your passion shape your words. Make me believe that you want me As much as I want you. Speak to me and kiss me as you do. Tease my lips the way you do my soul. Breathe in time To the beating of my heart. Come to me and let me imagine you …… Whisper softly in my ear So that only I can hear. Speak with the lips of longing ……….. 225

CHAPTER 18

WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION

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I want to wake in the morning And be your strawberry-luscious Lover! The cottony soft morning light Casts a honey glow while you sleep. My sexy and beautiful love, How I want to wake you ! My dreams have been filled with visions of you. And by the blush of your skin I know you’ve dreamt of me too. Open your eyes, we’ll frolic and play …. I’ve got ‘naughty’ in my mind to start the day! We’ll nibble on strawberries, luscious and sweet, Lick fingers and toes until our lips meet ….. Then some chocolate, or sugar And cream would be nice – Although you’re all I need to reach paradise !

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But this

day - Thursday, October 19th - had not ended yet ……. just read how it continued and you will for sure ask yourself, ‘Is this man ever thinking about something else than SEX ????’ First he called later in the afternoon avoiding carefully the subjects of his former emails talking about ‘discretion’….. On the contrary, he continued talking in all details how and if and when to make love to me …….. I told him that he made me blush ….. and that really turned him on to even ‘dig’ deeper into the subject until I begged him to stop ….. So he changed to other issues and went through a long and smooth talk about his past, his relationships with his former and current wife, and his issues with CNN. He sounded so sweet on the phone – laughing away all my protests and obviously enjoying himself teasing me…. ************* And because of that hypnotizing and tempting voice, I wrote to him immediately after hanging up.

I wonder how many women have fallen already into this nice trap of yours …. like me today ….. you are a champion of luring me into forgetting everything I wanted to tell you - just listening to your nice voice. This is your strongest weapon, as you must be very well aware of. I hear you laughing when you read this and this makes me really mad. You are so sure about yourself - maybe 228

with a reason - but you make me (and most probably many other women too) feel quite weak and small. And that’s what makes me feel nervous since I am not used to it. I do not know if you should be proud of it ….. and I do not know if I ever get used to it either. But I wanted you to know about it since is explains a lot of things - definitely my sometimes irrational behavior with you or at least my reactions to your strong character. You are a challenge - but I still wonder if I can ever deal with it or if I want to deal with it. So - I fear - we may continue having ‘problems’. Are you willing to deal with them and with me ??????? The only way I see to settle them is to meet each other make love to each other - or even then fight with each other. I really wonder what will happen if ……… MJ I don’t know whether Jeff was just sitting by his BlackBerry waiting for my email, but it sure felt good to get his instant reply:

Strongest weapon !!!!!!!!!!!! You HAVEN’T seen my STRONGEST weapon yet ….. that you will see and experience real soon ……… You’re a good woman, MJ …….. you don’t need to prove that to ANYONE !!!!!!!!! 229

As for being SPOILT, that’s just you ….. you’ve been wined and dined by the highest and mightiest of all ….. then little old me comes along and makes you go crazy …. even before I’ve laid eyes on you !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine what will happen when we do meet ??????????? Keep fantasizing, my Angel ….. and the real thing will be REAL !!!!!!!!!!!! JK And to make things worse, he then even called me from the car and asked if I’d read his message. I said I had …… But he was obviously not satisfied with my short reply and insisted to get the confirmation if I was able to ‘imagine’ what he really meant …….. I said, I was able to. He laughed for a while – and told me that he was really telling me the truth because his weapon of mass destruction was a hell of a thing ….. and that I should have a glimpse at it when he appears next time on TV …… he would make sure that the glimpse would be worth it. And when I told him that I did not know how he would do this ……. he could not stop laughing ‘just wait and see – I

promise, you will understand what I mean….’

Amused by this, I wrote to him a couple of hours later:

I wanted to sit down and enjoy a nice movie - but this ‘weapon of mass destruction’ issue did not leave my mind. You are unbelievable - and still full of surprises …. 230

But don’t worry, I believe you and I am looking forward to see IT and experience IT and touch IT and enjoy IT - preferably inside me …. Are you now satisfied with the description OF ITS EXPECTED ACTIVITIES or is there something missing??? I see you smiling when reading this - like I am smiling now when writing it …. Looking really forward to get - at least - ‘a glimpse’ or maybe more …………. As I am dreaming – for sure – tonight. MJ The following day was Friday, woke up in the morning and looked was hit by a wall of gray. There was couldn’t even see the Mediterranean.

October 20th. When I out of the window, I thick mist in the air. I Was that a bad sign?

Hoping that it meant nothing, I hurried to the computer and checked my emails. Right at the top was my daughter’s - next to it was Jeff’s. Here is what he said:

Ref.: WMD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s how I call my DESTRUCTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WEAPON

OF

MASS

Happy Friday, my LOVE ….. it’s KENYATTA DAY in Kenya ….. so Happy Kenyatta Day !!!!!!!!!!!

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Keep DREAMING ….. and one of these days it will become REALITY !!!!!!!!!!! Sweet kisses in the Morning ……………. JK I replied:

I do not want to be part of ‘MASS DESTRUCTION’ ….. so please start thinking about some VERY REFINED AND NEW METHODS …….. ‘One day’ you will have to fulfill all my dreams and your promises - does that not scare you ?????????? Longing for that ‘one day’ ….. which still seems to be so far away - and Happy Kenyatta Day to you too (I remember all the nice parades, music and speeches of ‘my’ days in your country under the sun ….. sitting among all ‘those local dignitaries’ in my front row seat next to the Dais …). M. Moments later, he called and continued talking about his new ‘favorite’ subject - the WMD. Amused by his bragging, I teased him, “Jeff, most men talk too much about it before -

but when the time ….” Laughing he stopped me,

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“ Don’t tell me, that you are doubting me now!!! -

I can assure you that I am telling the truth - just wait and see….” I must admit that I liked this conversation better…. The talk about my ‘past men’ breaker.

-

that was a deal

So to keep Jeff on this new path, I wrote to him as soon as I hung up.

Scared ?????????? I am sure you will fulfill all OUR dreams and I will do my best too. As you once said “I may seem arrogant - but God how I am CONFIDENT …..” Sometimes, I just like to tease you a bit - because I would like to ‘punch some holes’ into this selfconfidence of yours although you told me that maybe you might become ‘a bit defensive’ when I do …. So please forgive me. Love, Marianne His reply was immediate:

You can punch all the ‘holes’ you want to but you will ‘fail’ …….. I don’t have many talents ….. but the ‘few’ that I have, I utilize them to the FULLEST …. so am I ‘scared’ ????? 233

NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I’m GOOD at and what I’m NOT good at ……….. And as far as the STRONGEST WEAPON department, that is my STRENGTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK ********************* Did that mean, his real strength was to make love? Feeling a tingling sensation, I wrote back:

Dear Jeff, I have decided to trust you - FULLY And I know, it will not only be good - but very good very exciting - very fulfilling (AND THIS I MEAN IN EVERY SENSE OF THIS WORD …..). So smile, my Love, as I do right now thinking about it… Marianne And here is his immediate reply:

I am SMILING ……… AND SO IS MY WEAPON !!!!!!!!! JK ______________________________________________ And my comment to this:

…. That’s bad …. you are really making me curious …. And I also realize how much you enjoy this …. but it also

234

gives me the assurance that you are ‘the right man’ and ‘worth’ waiting for ……. Crazy …. I just went through our today’s mails again – especially the ones regarding a ‘certain’ subject …. Did you ever realize how crazy we are ??????????? I only hope that nobody besides you and me will ever read this….. But to be honest with you, I am enjoying every single word and every single moment …. as crazy as it seems. I have never in the past been so open and frank with any man about my wishes and feelings like I am with you – and having so much pleasure in doing this …. Are you proud now? - You should …… Marianne Obviously he felt the same because he replied after just some minutes:

Chemistry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE our mails …… we’re ALMOST making love to each other as we write …….. It’s CHEMISTRY like you’d NEVER believe it !!!!!!!!!! That’s what I told you in the beginning ….. it’s all about CHEMISTRY …. and this is GOOD chemistry !!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A NICE weekend, my SWEET ….. and stay SWEET (all over) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK 235

So it may seem that our love was back on track - but was it really ??????? ******************

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The Dreams I Dream …….. The fire raged with the call of the new moon. Forbidden thoughts rising with a certainty Like spires of mist in the night; Bodies locked in a tight embrace Cherishing unspoken words That arise from electrified emotions; Passion echoed in delicious laughter, Rising to a fervor, Punctuated only by breathless sighs; Desire awakening like the stars, Intertwined with red bliss that escapes all confines To become one with the torrid night And the silken globe of fire. .…..Such are the dreams I dream of us .…..

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CHAPTER 19

- JEFF THE ‘LATIN LOVER’

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Am I awake? Can this be real? I’m drunk in my desire as you lay next to me In a bed of rose pedals and forgotten dreams. Somehow you brought it all back to me, Feelings of erotic passion and a breath of life. I thought they were forever lost In an eternal darkness left by lovers gone. My eyes smile once again at the Beauty before them. My lips ache once again to be kissed. My hands long to touch your burning flesh. My heart pounds so hard it nearly Escapes my chest……………… 239

After

all his bragging about his Weapon of Mass Destruction, I felt I had to divert his mind a little bit and wanted to challenge him, so I wrote on Monday, October 23rd:

Corazon …….. since I do not want to be just a part of your ‘mass’ destruction and because I hope that there was never a Spanish-speaking amongst them, here is my first lesson (try to find out what it means….): “Mi Corazon – yo espero que tu me regalas une noche sin final …..” And now decide on starting smiling before thinking ‘this woman is definitely crazy ….’ M. But to my big surprise – even shock – he replied immediately:

“------- my Sweetheart – I hope, I will receive as a present from you a lovely endless night -----------” You will, my LOVE ……. YOU WILL !!!!!!!!!!! ……… and as usual, another ‘MANIC MONDAY’ …. more Madonna Madness …….. How was your weekend ???????? THOUGHT of you a LOT !!!!!!!!!

Missed you and

Kiss Kiss JK

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And my reply:

You really do not cease to surprise me ….. who has taught you Spanish ?????????? I had hoped to shock you - but it seems, I am even totally hopeless at that ….. I am looking forward to those ‘noches sin final…’ - Sassa asked me just yesterday: “But when, Mami, when ?????” I told her that there is still no answer to that question…. Smile … Marianne He then called immediately:

“Don’t worry …… it will be soon, mi Corazon …… real soon….. ‘una noche sin final’ - I promise …..” When I asked him where he had learned Spanish, he told me:

“…. I also have some secrets - but one day I will tell you where and how - be patient, mi Corazon….”. I then told him that for once I had found a man ‘equal’ to me – a real challenge – a man who makes me feel like a ‘real’ woman again …… After our conversation over the phone, wrote:

he then

I makes me feel good that you FEEL like a WOMAN again ….. and NOT a ‘SUPERIOR’ being ….. I want to

241

make you HAPPY as well …. and I want to GIVE you ANYTHING that you have NEVER gotten in LIFE ……. Knowing you, it will be TOUGH …. but I shall TRY my BEST ….. and I KNOW, my BEST is BETTER than MOST!!!!!!!!!!! Kiss Kiss JK I replied:

You make me really smile - and I trust you. I know, it will be my most exciting experience with a man …. As I am smiling while writing this - I expect you to smile while reading this …. Marianne And his instant answer:

Oooooooooooooooooooh - all of me is SMILING …….. and you KNOW what that INCLUDES !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK ************

You will agree with me that this is not a conversation of two grown-up people…. it’s more like two teenagers being in love for the first time ……. and unbelievable ‘stupid’ ……. But don’t you not also like the fact that Jeff could loose his head and talk and write like this ????

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I did - and I just loved it …….. But then there had been also other more serious issues to be discussed between us that same Monday, October 23rd: So I wrote to him later in the afternoon:

Becoming serious again …… Did you see that Pronk has to leave the Sudan? It really looks like these people got offended by your statements and also his comments …….. I found him a very nice and very honest person - like you told me after your interview with him: very open and very un-diplomatic. You see, besides ‘our favorite’ subject about when and how and in which way etc…. – there are still some more serious issues between you and me …. Marianne _______________________________________________ Jeff replied immediately:

….. I almost feel ‘responsible’ for PRONK being kickedout !!!!!!!!!!! What a SHAME !!!!!!!!! I tell you, those people are ‘ANIMALS’ !!!!!!!!! Now they can do what they want, when they want and how they want !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay well, my SWEET ….. I’m still in the office working on MADONNA’s latest controversy !!!!!!!!!! NOT A GOOD DAY FOR AFRICA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 243

Stay with me, Love, when dawn arrives; Kiss me like the morning rays. Don’t let the magic we shared in the night Flitter with the light of day. Stay with me, be at my side. Let’s cast off the hands of time, And dance beneath a lover’s moon. Stay with me when the sky grows dim And a zillion stars come To play their evening song. Touch me again and again …… Stay with me long …………….. 244

CHAPTER 20

MADONNA ‚MADNESS’

245

Love remains strong when doubts come. It also lingers in times of pain. Love is there when we are angry. Love will always remain. Harsh words are sometimes spoken And our hearts may feel broken. Some days are nothing but rain. In spite of this, love remains.

246

The

following Tuesday, October 24th, already very early in the morning.

he called

We spoke again about the desperate situation of the people in Darfur, the reasons for Jan Pronk’s problems with the Sudanese Government and politics in general. Jeff especially insisted to get also my opinion about the political situation in Kenya since I had known all major ‘players’ personally and therefore had a more intimate knowledge about their true intentions. We discussed this issue for a while and spoke about President Mwai Kibaki and his chances to be re-elected, Moi’s continuous interferences, Raila Odinga and his involvement in the Molasses Plant, Uhuru Kenyatta’s position in this power game - and then later I wrote:

Kenyan Politics ….. Did you also see how nicely Nicholas Biwott is coming back? He is even offering to join KANU again ….. This is really scaring me - I have been told that he had met Moi for the first time when it was clear that I was coming to Nairobi to testify and then also after my London Declaration and even more intensified when they knew that I was publishing my book to discuss their ‘strategy’ how to handle this. This was the time when Mutula Kilonzo wrote to me that nasty letter on ‘behalf of his client Daniel arap Moi’. But getting Biwott back into a leading position, is really bad - and knowing all the other ‘stupids’, he may even have a chance …. sometimes I wonder if there is nobody who could kill him - like he has killed so many others.

247

I know, this is not very Christian - but in his case, I forget being catholic and its request for forgiveness ….. how I hate that man !!!!!!!!!!! Promise me to go into politics and ‘clean’ your country from people like him …. Marianne After having arrived in the office and having read my message, he called again and we continued talking about the issue ‘Nicholas Biwott’ ….. and Jeff fully agreed with my impression about him….. Soon after we finished, I wrote:

…. Una pregunta: you still did not reply to my question where and how you have learned to speak Spanish….. Smile because I still do not give up to find out more about you - you are an unsolved mystery for me. And I still did not find the answer to this one question: Who is this man who captured my heart without ever having met him ????? Dreaming about him - about making love to him and he making love to me !!!!!!! I know your explanation is simple: It is that special ‘chemistry’ between us which still gives me sometimes sleepless nights …. But don’t worry, I have started to enjoy these sleepless nights …. Love, Marianne

248

And his instant reply:

Vida mia …… It’s been a CRAZY morning ….. that story about Jan Pronk is getting out of control …. and then there is MADONNA ….. and I’m still supposed to be heading to CONGO tomorrow morning ….. you know what they say …. NO REST for the WICKED …… and I’m the WICKEDEST one of ALL ……… As for all your QUESTIONS ….. well what can I say …. just wait for the REAL THING …… then you can make your decision …. and hopefully have ALL your questions ANSWERED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will call you first thing tomorrow before I fly out …. my flight is 8:45 a.m. Joburg time (I think we’re on the same time zone) ….. so it’ll be about 7 a.m. …. or so … Miss you so MUCH ….. JK So I was waiting the following morning for his call but instead at 7 a.m., he only called at 9:30 a.m. - and he was not going to Kinshasa that morning. CNN had asked him only late last night to fly to Malawi where he should talk with the ‘biological’ father of the little boy MADONNA had adopted………. Atlanta had decided that the MADONNA ‘MADNESS’ (as he called it when telling me about this) was of greater importance especially to the American people watching CNN, than the ongoing Presidential Elections in the Congo …..

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I realized from the frustration in his voice, how much he hated their decision in putting more importance on such a trivial matter than on the fate of a country like the Congo …. But as he explained, it was his ‘employer’ who made the final decisions ….. and he had no other choice than to comply …. After we finished talking, I felt I had to cheer him up a bit. So I wrote:

You were just lucky that you called me – I was about to ‘wring your neck’ already. I know you are smiling now “I know she would have done…..” Anyway, my busy man, just remember that whenever you feel like talking or writing, there is somebody waiting to hear from you - somebody who loves this very ‘distant lover’ ….. Unbelievable - but true. M. And his reply - already in the plane:

Ha Ha Ha …… I knew you would have done ……. Taxiing on the runway as we speak !!!!!!!!!!! Kiss Kiss JK

250

And still thinking about his disappointment to have been ‘sent’ to Malawi, I decided to cheer him up a little bit more:

Making you smile once more …..

I was reading my last mails to you and have to make one – very important - correction: I called you my ‘distant lover’ - that was not correct. It should read: distant ‘lover’ - since the word ‘distant’ is correct - but ‘lover’ ?????????? Not yet - since this - you and me - still have to prove to be ………. And seeing you smiling now, I expect to receive another message from you like in the past …… “you WILL, my Love, you WILL ….” But before deciding on writing this, think twice - since my reply will for sure be: ……… “but WHEN, my Love, …. but WHEN” ?????????? Sleep well, and hopefully dream of me (you see, I am still very pretentious …. even - or especially - with you). Marianne Jeff wrote very late the same day:

MADONNA MANIA ……… We’re finally in Lilongwe …… after a VERY tiring day traveling ………… we’ll be setting off early to go look for the BIOLOGICAL father of the boy MADONNA adopted….. 251

It’s going to be ANOTHER long day …… but hey, that’s WHY we’re here !!!!!!!! I’m trying to get some sleep now. ………we start off at 6 a.m. And YES, my LOVE ……. we WILL ….. PROMISE….. real SOON ……. Always and FOREVER, JK The following day I wrote:

…… before you start thinking “where is the usual minimum one message per day” ? - here it is. I hope, everything went according to plan today and I am looking forward to see the CNN News. I am busy promoting the Shining Star in some international Clubs here and got a lot of invitations to do so. That will keep me from thinking too much about you and our still pending question ‘when’ ? But don’t worry, there are always those silent hours in the evening just before falling asleep when I start thinking about ‘how and how often’ … trusting your promise of your ‘strongest weapon’…. I am smiling just thinking about it - although - quite honestly - I can only imagine what I am really missing. But you have made me extremely curious with that description of your ‘weapon of mass destruction’ ……… Marianne

252

Jeff replied in the middle of the night since CNN had transmitted his story during their evening news which in Malawi was very early in the morning:

Hey SWEETNESS, Everything went BEAUTIFUL well …… and you MUST check out the story ….. coming up NOW on CNN TODAY ………… You might also just see a ‘tease’ of the WEAPON of MASS DESTRUCTION …….. take a GOOD LOOK ……….. and you will know, I was NOT kidding !!!!!!!!!!!! Have a GREAT day ….. and we’ll chat later ……. Lots of LOVE JK I got up very early that morning and after reading his message, switched on the TV and saw the 7 a.m. CNN News …….. after this I wrote:

Confirmed: I saw IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! In other words, I saw the report - very good. I am sure MADONNA will be very pleased…. the father seems to be a very nice man…. By the way, which language did you speak with him? I also liked that special way of shaking hands. You really have a very nice way to deal with people. Coming back to your suggestion:

253

I took a short ‘glimpse’ - when you went to see this man and entered the compound…….. You were right - there was ‘something’ to be seen !!!!!! I will be smiling the whole day just thinking about it. It is unbelievable that two grown-up people - doing quite serious things in their normal day’s procedures can be so childish and some people may even call it ‘crazy’…… I just wonder what will happen, if ………. Looking forward to those satisfying - nights,

hopefully exciting and

Marianne Later that evening he called and when I made a remark about the ‘glimpse’ he almost could not stop laughing. He told me that he had been thinking about us while driving to interview the father of Madonna’s adopted boy……. Imagining how it will be when we meet and the things we will then do to each other, had excited him so much that he had had a ‘nice’ erection………. and while editing the story, he had realized that this was quite ‘obvious’ …….. That’s why he had written to me that I should take a ‘good look’ ……because he was sure, it was ‘worth’ it ………..

*************

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Now I am curious to know what you are thinking …… for sure you will say the same I told him: “Jeff Koinange, you are definitely a very crazy man…..” ************************************

255

Every day, I think about you, And every second would be if you were here with me. Every night, when I lie in bed, I dream that you’re beside me, holding me close to you. If you were, I’d whisper in your ear, how much I love you. Since you came into my life, nothing has been the same. I’ve experienced love to its fullest, And I’ve tasted a beauty that never ends, Because you’re where my happiness begins. I’m incomplete without you and I’ll never stop loving you. You’re the world to me in brilliant colors. You’re my best friend A favorite song that will never end. And together is where we should be – Someday soon, I pray that you’ll walk through the door And take this heartache away.

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CHAPTER 21

A CRAZY IDEA TAKES SHAPE

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I would do anything for you For you mean the world to me. You stand by me through life Whatever problems there may be. You give my soul warmth, You’re my rainbow in the sky. And when my world is dark, You lift my spirits high. When I think of you, I smile. You make me feel so safe. You’re cocooned in my heart Like a endless strong embrace. Your words, your thoughts, your touch Fill my whole being. Our hearts they beat as one. You are my reason for living. There are many things I don’t know, But there is one thing I’m sure about And that is my love for you – A love without a doubt…….

258

While

still being in Malawi,

he called again later that

afternoon.

And for the first time he started asking questions about my daughter ……….. Our conversation then ended with his almost casual remark: “ I want to meet your daughter – I want to get to know Sassa – I also want to make love to her.” Before I could react, receiver …………..

he had already put down the

And wrote immediately afterwards:

So GOOD talking to you ….. and I’m getting excited just thinking I COULD be your LOVER and your SON-INLAW!!!!!!!!! What a THOUGHT !!!!!!!!!!! WOW !!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU for all these reasons …… and MORE !!!!!!!! Have a GREAT weekend ……… and think of US !!!!!!! JK One hour later he added:

Encroyable !!!!!!!!!!! It’s AMAZING isn’t ……….. that we think so much alike….

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I can’t believe this is HAPPENING to me sometimes …. I think I’m dreaming but it’s REAL ….. and you’re REAL …. and together we’ll make REAL LOVE together …. and then your daughter can have my baby !!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU, EVER!!!!!

my

SWEET …….. more

NOW

than

JK ******************* You will for sure ask yourself why all of the sudden Jeff is starting to talk about having a baby with my daughter……… Maybe this whole ‘Madonna Adoption Issue’ had put this crazy idea into his head - maybe it was a remark he once made that the only thing he was still missing to make his life ‘complete’ was having a child – maybe there were really problems in his marriage he did not want to talk about… not yet at least….. Anyway, this crazy idea about having a child with my daughter never ever left his head after this. As you will see from our correspondence, continued always cropping back.

this issue

So please be patient - and then you will understand his ‘state of mind’ ………… and the real reasons behind all this…………. ******************

260

The following morning, wrote in Swahili:

Saturday October 28th,

he

NINA KUPENDA SANA !!!!!!!!! To which I replied:

I love you also very much ….. And he instantly:

I see your SWAHILI IMPRESSED !!!!!!!!!

is still

GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m

Don’t worry ….. we’ll ‘work’ on your DAUGHTER ….. I think, it’s the way GOD wanted it to be ….a real FAIRY-TALE !!!!!!!!!!!! Have a nice weekend, my LOVE ….. and future Motherin-Law !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK On Sunday, October 29th, cropping in again:

the reality finally started

He wrote via his BlackBerry:

I wanted to call you – but as always BREAKING NEWS seems to take most of my time ….. An aircraft with more than 100 passengers just crashed in the Nigerian capital Abuja …. this is ALL OVER CNN as we speak ….. turn the TV on in 5 minutes …..

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I understand your concerns about SASSA but I can only assure you that everything will work out well !!!!!!! Rest assured of that !!!!!!!!!! JK Instead of calling, again via his BlackBerry:

he wrote the following evening

I worked until 1 a.m. last night putting the Nigerian story together …. I decided to take today off ….. that’s why you didn’t hear from me …….. Let’s chat some more tomorrow…. Lots of LOVE !!!!!!!! JK _____________________________________ I was very angry and replied:

…. You say that you have taken a day off and that’s why you could not contact me …. So there was no moment or reason to tell me why you could not call me???? I do not want to be just a ‘filling-in-gap’ for you – I believed to be more. I was wrong – I know now – and I was stupid to expect more. That’s another fact.

262

I am very sad – but I will survive – like I did in the past. So don’t worry about me …… M. His first reaction to this the following day, October 31st: I swear - you are FUCKING MAD !!!!!!!!!!

But I still LOVE you ………. _________________________________________ He then also called and told me the same on the phone,

“You are fucking mad – but that’s exactly why I love you and always will ……….” And then he added:

“I understand our problem – and we have to do something about this – we have to find a way to leave the ‘distance’ behind us, we have to become real lovers….. otherwise we will continue fighting and that’s the last thing I want us to do……..” Later I wrote to him:

My so very ‘distant lover’, This is what I really wanted to tell you this morning – before you called and ‘clarified’ things – So I am still sending you this: 263

I love you and I want to make happen everything we dreamed of – including Sassa. I want to become your lover – so long as it does not hurt anybody else. I want to make you happy – at least as much as I can. I want to make love to you in all the craziness we both can think of …. I want you to tell me that you still love me – although I drive you nuts sometimes with my doubts ….. ……. Because I still want you and continue thinking about you ….. Always ……. ……… and now I go swimming and try to get back my smile …. as you suggested ….. M. One hour later he called

……did you cool down - can we talk again about us are you ‘normal’ again ????????? Can I tell you again – and will you finally believe me – that I really love you ??????????? Tell me – write to me – and confirm this …..

264

So I wrote:

…. The swimming was an excellent idea ….. I really feel better…… Or do you still think that I need another ‘lesson’ how I have to ‘treat you’ in the future ????????? I love you …… with my body and my mind …… Although I have the vague feeling that you prefer sometimes just the body since my mind is very often too difficult to understand !!!!!!!!! M. He then called for the third time – soft and nice telling me how much he needed me and that’s why he sometimes reacted irrational…. But it seemed that my reaction did not convince him because he then wrote:

…. One minute you’re SUPER SEXY and SUPER HOT and the next you’re ICE COLD …….. That’s very SCARY ……… Help me UNDERSTAND who the real JOSEFINE BRINER MATTERN is ………..

MARIANNE

JK I replied:

I am never ice-cold even if you got that impression – it is because I am very passionate I am reacting sometimes like that. But I only do when I care and when I love. 265

So don’t be scared – I am hurting myself much more with such actions than I could ever hurt you. I never ever intended to hurt you on purpose. So please believe me when I tell you that I love you and want you. But maybe you think that I have gone too far this time. I hope that this is not the case and you still love me at least a bit even if you cannot understand me. But never call me ‘cold’ because that is hurting me – you do not know me yet and you would never get that impression if we would have met. I am a very warm and tender person, very open and very honest – and very easy to get hurt. Maybe that’s the explanation for all my ‘strange’ behavior. Marianne He then called – for the fourth time that day – and told me that I shouldn’t worry,

“ I love you – and I still want you - very very much !!!!!!” Later that night I wrote to him:

I had promised myself to finally try to sleep – but I am not even successful in that. I started thinking about question “can you help me to understand and get to know the real Marianne …..” - so I try: I am looking into the mirror and I see a woman whose body is still attractive. The skin still smooth and soft. I know, I can be proud of that and as Sassa always tells me, I should … 266

But then I start looking at me with the eyes of a 40 yearold very attractive man and I start having doubts. I know that you will see me in a different way. I know that you are used to make love to younger women…. And all my self-confidence is falling to pieces. I start seeing those new lines in my face – lines having appeared in those sleepless nights full of longing to make love - nights in which I only could think about you and how much I love you - nights filled with dreams of giving and receiving tenderness……….. And I also see the sadness in my eyes - because I know that I will never have what I am dreaming of…… I will never feel the warmth of your arms…. I will never feel your body….. I will never be able to make love to you. Don’t feel sorry for me – just try to understand why I had to act the way I did. Marianne And again his assuring call:

… please believe me …… all your fears are nonsense ….. I love you ….. and we will be together soon ….. and we will make love ….. I promise ……….

******************************

267

I’m lying in bed and thinking about you. The fire inside my veins burning red hot and white. It guides me to you, and to that sweet place Where I need never bid you adieu. The flames tease me tonight, Brighter than the moon and hotter than the blaze of sun, Yet a soothing, guiding light. I need not close my eyes to dream of you, For you arrive nightly to warm me with your fire. And as you call softly, The world escapes me. Everything stops, All is quiet. Life is forgotten, As we become one……… 268

CHAPTER 22

AFRICAN POLITICS ……

269

I’ve called you on the phone, Shouted your name in the park, Passed by your house tonight As you sat there in the dark. I’ve done what I could To make you look my way. Now it’s your move to make As I lie in wait today. Can’t you see I love you And want to have you near. Won’t you now make your move, For I’ll just be waiting here.

270

On

Wednesday, November 1st, he called very early in the morning. He had just received the news that the former SouthAfrican President, P.W. Botha, had died and he was expecting a ‘live’ via broadband with Atlanta……. He then asked me if I ever had had contacts with South Africa and I told him that I even had met Botha and some other Members of his Government in the past. I realized his surprise and even shock – and when he insisted to know more details, I wrote:

I know you were shocked about me having known Botha – actually I have met him only once. The name of one of these Secret Service People I mentioned to you on the phone was Franz Whelpton. And there was also a General, but I have to look for his name – some Dutchsounding one as far as I remember. I had met them together with Dr. Mungai once in Zurich. But it is all documented in a Report which Biwott has tried to present to the Sunguh-Committee done by a wellknown British Investigation Team (he must have paid a fortune for it – 600 pages just Marianne Briner from childhood to Switzerland, Italy and Spain – marriage, divorce, business relationships, private relationships – true and false. In other words: a total mess….). Sunguh gave the whole ‘shit’ to me in London – so I have even the original because the Committee refused to accept it from Biwott which made him storm out of the Hearing and that was the end of it.

271

There are also things contained which I never expected. Mungai gave the permission to include private correspondence between him and me and even gave them a letter to be published. He must have made a deal with them, since he was present when I met these South Africans and the British Investigators must have found out about that. So he has given them those private correspondence and his name did not appear in the South African Saga. He does not want to talk about this with me and only said that this is politics which sometimes makes you do also dirty things which you later may regret….. I know that he always had business relationships in South Africa also with Botha and some others. As funny as it sounds, but he was fully accepted even during those ‘dark’ times ….. I even once attended with him a Function in Zurich organized by the Swiss-South African Business Forum and he was the guest of honor – and the only African (black). But nobody was bothered – on the contrary, he had all these white South African racist women ‘at his feet’ adoring him …… You see, there are always new surprises with me – and they are not finished yet. But I hope, this does not scare you – it sounds more suspicious than it is. I can assure you….. Marianne After having received my email, he called and wanted to know why Biwott had ordered that Report. He then asked me if I could tell him more – so I wrote another letter:

272

Biwott had given the instructions to check on me already in 2000 when he and Moi filed a Libel Suit against the American Ambassador Smith-Hempstone and against the Scotland Yard Forensic Expert, Dr. Ian West. He then continued more in detail when it was clear that the new Government would reopen the investigations in 2002. The whole exercise for him had only one reason: He wanted to prove to the Committee and the Public that I had a reason to have Dr. Ouko killed and that I was behind it ‘using all my Mafia and other political connections’…. He wanted to demonstrate that I am not a trustworthy person who has ‘even lured Scotland Yard to believe her’ – verbally contained like that in the Report – ‘to divert the attention from herself to other innocent people like him’. According to Biwott and to this Report, the only person who ever had an interest to kill Dr. Ouko was me because I had lost Millions of Dollars and had invested all my private money in the business in Kenya and made Dr. Ouko responsible. That part about the money is even true – I have spent a lot of money since I always paid my invoices myself, including flights, hotel etc. – but I never accused Dr. Ouko for this. Besides, I was not only working for him, but also for other Kenyan Ministers like Darius Mbela (Housing), Maina Wanjigi (Livestock), Kimayo arap Sego (Commerce) etc. etc. Mungai is another chapter. That has hurt me a lot. Do you understand now how sensitive and careful I have become to trust somebody? 273

I know, he did this to protect himself – and also to protect Uhuru since the Report was done during the times when Uhuru was becoming the Presidential Candidate for the 2002 Elections. So Njoroge switched sides and agreed to ‘contribute’ to this Report in giving them private letters from me - and he never apologized. He just told me to accept that he had reasons to do this. As I told you on the phone, I did not know about all this until I went to London for the Hearing in February 2005 and Sunguh gave me the Report. If I would have known about it in Nairobi, I would have spoken about all this and would have clarified everything. But I did not know then. So Biwott could still go around accusing me which he did in numerous interviews and press statements, as you may know. It is a very sad story – my life and experience with Kenya and certain men there …….. You wanted to know me and to understand me better – that’s a very important part of it and explains maybe some of my reactions when it comes to trusting somebody. So forgive me if you have to ‘suffer’ for something other people have done to me in the past. But with you I have started to hope again and have started to love and trust again – and that is a very good feeling. I love you, Marianne 274

To this Jeff replied immediately:

Don’t worry, my LOVE ………….. You will have the PROMISE !!!!!!!!!!!

LAST

LAUGH

in all this ……….. I

Imagine the look on his face when he sees SASSA and YOU and ME together ………….. He will have a HEART ATTACK or even a STROKE like PW Botha ……. Hang in there, SMILE!!!!!!!!

my

LOVE ………… and remember,

JK He then also called and started to talk again on his favorite subject ‘having a child with my daughter…… and giving me a grandchild……’. I could not stop laughing and teasing him, wrote:

I then

You know I love you – not only if and when you become the father of my grandchild …. although of course, especially then…. Smile now ….. and – please – promise ‘I will, my love, I will….’ M.

275

And as requested his instant confirmation: I WILL, my LOVE, I WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _________________________________________ And teasing him once again, I wrote:

I am looking forward to it – could we agree on a girl and a boy – the girl with your charm and smile – and the boy with hers – or the other way round, I am not sure yet. And now you can laugh again “this woman is crazy ….” – and I do not even mind if you do. M. And Jeff:

You are CRAZY ………. but I LOVE you VERY VERY MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But watch CNN …… NOW !!!!!!!!!!! ________________________________________ After having seen his broadband-interview regarding Botha I wrote:

Now I am glad to know that you did also some ‘serious work’ besides being with me either on the phone or computer ……… Obviously it was not easy to talk about a man like that – but as you said “History and time will tell…..” But let me add one more observation: you looked quite tired – or am I wrong? 276

And Jeff:

I am ……………… wonderful OBSERVATION ………. I LOVE you ……….. JK Later that afternoon I wrote:

Before you are ‘dismissed’ – I was just going through the Jeff-Koinange-Google and looked for some nice articles I am planning to give to Sassa. One I found already is called ‘On a wing, prayer and a box of cigars ….’ I love it ……………………………………………… Good night now and maybe you call me tomorrow morning??????? Marianne And his reply – already on his way home – via his BlackBerry:

Yeah – I like that story…………………………… And yes, I will call u tomorrow …….. That’s how this Wednesday, November 1st, ended another ‘crazy’ day like so many others also before ………….. ********************** 277

And just in case, you don’t know what I am talking about, here is the mentioned article - so I beg you to share this with me …….. Jeff wrote on October 1, 2002, in an article he posted to CNN’s ‘Behind the Scenes’……….

In this business, they say, you just don’t know where you’ll be on any given day. Last week, my colleagues and I got a first-hand lesson in how true that maxim can be. We were in the Nigerian capital, Abuja, when we got a call from CNN headquarters in Atlanta, “Get yourselves to Abidjan as soon as you can”, said the voice on the other end, “The story’s about to blow up”. A tall order indeed. You just don’t get anywhere quickly in Africa. But off we went, stopping by our bureau in Lagos to pick up our gear - all 23 cases of it, complete with flak jackets, generator and every traveling correspondent’s secret weapon: A box of cigars - Fidel’s finest …….. We checked in at the airport and headed to the lounge. The plane was late, so we caught two hours of sleep, waking in time to board. Next stop: Abidjan, in the Ivory Coast…….some 200 students and staff members – including 101 Americans - were trapped in the country amid a military rebellion in the West African nation. We landed two hours later, where we were told a curfew would take effect in an hour’s time. We scrambled through the usual customs formalities and headed for the baggage carousel. A half-hour later our bags finally emerged…….why is it that the television equipment is always the last out? Porters in tow, we headed for the exit………….

278

As usual, our gear attracted the attention of a ‘hungry’ customs agent who demanded to know what was in our cases …… “We are American journalists….. CNN” I replied. The agent ignored me, “Open all of them”, he ordered. Open them all? We were guaranteed an overnight stay in the airport --- trapped by the curfew ---- if he went through all our luggage. With 25 minutes to curfew, I reached for the first bag the one with cigars. “Would you like one?” The officer smiled, “Ah, Cubano, n’est-ce-pas?” …. Oh, bien sur”, I answered, adding how pressed for time we were….. and he waved us on……… We hurried to the hotel, aided by the fact that the city was a ghost town, a far cry from the hustle and bustle of the Abidjan I’d known in the past. We got there with two minutes to spare before the shoot-on-sight curfew went into effect. We quickly got rolling, choosing a sight right outside the hotel offering a view of deserted streets - a perfect angle for a live shot, which went well. Then, disaster: Soldiers patrolling in a jeep came to a quick stop. Didn’t we know about the curfew, they asked. We replied that, technically, we were not on the streets……. Apparently insulted, the troops seized our gear and radioed their superiors for instructions. Time dragged …… Meanwhile, CNN International wanted another live shot………… “Houston……..…..” I said – borrowing from a famous line .......we have a problem……” And two hours later, they released us - I did not have to reach for my cigars - with a stern warning: Do not venture out or else!!!!!!!! We complied, setting up the videophone in the hotel lobby. 279

In Abidjan, it was after midnight when we learned that “NewsNight with Aaron Brown” wanted us on in two hours. The show went well, and we were happy ….. tired, too. We’d been up for 24 hours………….. Another call, the ‘desk’ again: “Head to Yamoussoukro,” said the voice from far away……. American kids who were rescued by French forces from factional fighting were to be airlifted in the morning, we learned. The curfew ended at 6:30 a.m. – it was 3.a.m. ……… We slept for three hours…………..Then at 6 a.m. were up again shower, coffee, croissants ………and then the open road……..W2e did not pass a car for 250 miles ……… Hours later, we reached the outskirts of Yamoussoukro - the Ivory Coast administrative capital…… and came face-to-face with unsmiling soldiers holding AK-47s. “What do you want?” one asked. “We’re here to cover the evacuation of American school children rescued lat night.” “What’s in the cases?” “Camera equipment.”. “Open all of them - now”…………….. I reached for my favourite bag. “ Oo la la….” The soldier exclaimed, “ Cigars……… donne- moi….!! HE TOOK SEVERAL AND LiT ONE IMMEDIATELY. “Can we go?” ……… he waved us on.

280

We came to another checkpoint a mile later - and again, we were approached by armed soldiers demanding that we stoip immediately. Our driver didn’t hear them. “Arret”, one yelled. He loosed a volley of shots just over our car for emphasis. It worked. The driver slammed the brakes and we spilled out, hands and passports in the air. “Press Americane!” I yelled. We explained our mission, and luckily, one of the soldiers had heard of CNN….. The soldier conferred with his colleagues, and finally, reluctantly, waved us on. We made it to the airport where French read berets had mounted a checkpoint. Young soldiers, barely teenagers, I noted, but they were disciplined. They waved us past to the airport. On the far side of the facility were U.S. Special Forces troops ressting easy in their Humvees. Two U.S. Air Force C-130 cargo planes sat on the runway. We got our videophone up and running. Ten minutes later, a convoy arrived - the American school children under heavy military escort. We had a world exclusive………….. the school children boarded a C-130, whose engines rumbled into life just as anchor Paulo Zahn told viewers about the children’s daring rescue 24 hours earlier. The CNN crew there – she added – were the only news people at the site. My camera-man and I exchanged ‘high-fives’ ………. The plane took off, and I began a series of Q&As with different CNN stories………….talk about timing ………………. And thank God for those cigars !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *************************** 281

Just when I’ve thought this out, And concluded that these feelings I have for you make no sense And have resolved to turn them off, I find my desire for you Ruling against my determination. And then my whole body aches for you again, Yearning for a touch I’ve never had, A wine I’ve never tasted. Then, I’m unsteady on my feet, Finding the common joys of life Dull and unsatisfactory. And so, for good or for bad, I’ve decided to stop shouting accusations at myself And simply accept that ……… you turn me on !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ……. 282

CHAPTER 23

DREAMS …………………..

283

I am lost in you ….. Feasting on your beautiful eyes, My heart melts and I’m hypnotized. When I gaze upon your face, I disappear without a trace. For I am lost when I’m with you. It’s then my dreams are coming true. I’m lost in the moment of time and space. It’s Heaven with you, anyplace. When I reach to touch your hand, It’s like I’ve entered the promised land. With eyes closed, I steal a kiss And know when gone, you’re sorely missed. My wish is now to see you soon. Until I do I’ll be in gloom. And somebody that you’ll leave no more, Is exactly what I’m praying for! 284

As Jeff had promised the day before,

he called the

following day very early in the morning.

But since I had gone out, he left a message on my telephone recorder – a bit annoyed, but still trying to be nice and sweet ………. When I came back, I then wrote:

I just came back from a lunch meeting and when I was opening the door, I heard the phone ringing – but it had already stopped before I could pick it up. I then saw on the ID that it had been you. I also found your former messages – sorry, my Love. But now I am ready, willing and able to listen ……… M. As I had hoped, he called back – and immediately started to talk about his new ‘pet’ project – my daughter……….. – and for the first time I understood that this was not a fantasy, but something he really wanted …. And since he must have understood that I still did not take this idea serious, he immediately added via his BlackBerry:

The ‘project’ !!!!!!!!!!! Nice talking to you as always, my LOVE ……. don’t worry about our ‘project’ !!!!!!!!!!! I’ll make sure we SUCCEED!!!!!!!!!!!!! With patience ….. which you obviously have in very SHORT supply ….. and with TRUST …. which you and I

285

have plenty of ….. so, I am a very patient man …. and I usually succeed in the end, my darling !!!!!!!!!!!! Pole Pole !!!!!!!!!! JK I protested:

Don’t say I am not patient – because that lesson I have learned from you in the meantime. I really want you – is that so bad??????????? M. And Jeff immediately - again via his BlackBerry: Not bad at all, my LOVE ….. because I want you TOO and I need you like CRAZY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE you so MUCH !!!!!!!!!! JK Also the following day, Friday, November 3rd, was spent between being on the phone (four calls all together) and on the computer ……… only subject: how and when to make love ……… Jeff: “I can’t sleep anymore – we have to do something about this otherwise I am ‘exploding’ one of these days …….”. For the first time he then proposed that I should come to South Africa – I told him Johannesburg was out of

286

question for me because of his wife – reluctantly he agreed…….. Later that day he called – all excited – because he had managed to convince Atlanta to do a story about some people (Somali refugees living in South Africa) and was going to Cape Town for a few days……. “this is perfect, my LOVE …… we can spend some days

together – if you can make it, I will stay some days more – only for you …….. please come……..”

I had to inform him that it was not possible since I had a cold and would not be able to fly on such a short notice …. He was very disappointed but tried to stay ‘cool’ …….. While being in Cape Town, he wrote:

It’s hectic here in Cape Town ….. long days and even longer nights !!!!!!!!!!! All is well though ….. accomplished a lot ….. We’re here for a couple more days ….. I’ll make sure I call you before I head back to Joburg …. Love you LOTS ….. despite the silence …… JK I shot back:

I especially like telling me about the ‘longer nights’ ….. are you really thinking, I am stupid ????????

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And he – upset – via his Blackberry:

I meant WORKING on my stories ………. Jesus what is WRONG with you ???????????? I preferred to change the subject and wrote back:

Could we continue talking about other matters than personal issues? Please – say yes – since this is more important than just some “you love me – you don’t love me – matters” ….. I hope you are laughing now. Since I am still sick, I have had the opportunity and time to look at some commentaries on the German Television about the American Elections – and to my surprise they have started to discuss a competition between Hilary Clinton and Obama for the next Presidential Elections. What do you think? – I personally believe Obama would be good – but would he really have a chance? And more important regarding you and me: Could we decide to continue on this level of ‘mutual’ interests? Marianne His immediate reply:

Hilary DEFINITELY ……… Obama ….. TOO SOON …. he’ll have to wait until ‘America’ is ready for a BLACK President …….. JK

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He then went back to Joburg and called after he arrived ….. still disappointed that I had not come to Cape Town and also a bit annoyed that I still tried to keep my ‘independence’ and did still not ‘trust’ him completely …….. I wanted him to understand why I had acted like that and since I knew, I would not be able to tell him this over the phone, I decided to write:

In all my life it was always me who decided with whom, when and how I not only started a relationship but also how and when to finish it. Even Daniel and Njoroge had to accept this – I never mae any exception. I ruled and I decided….. always……. And then you came and my whole pattern went down the drain. With you I did not control anything – neither how, nor when – not even if …. nothing at all. And that drives me nuts and makes me totally insecure. On one side I want you and I want to trust you that will decide the right things for both of us. But this is a totally new situation for me and I do not know how to handle this. I never accepted that a man could rule me – not even that a man could decide anything for me. So when you call me – tell me honestly how you feel and what you want. I will accept your decision – although quite honestly this will be the first time in my life that I am allowing a man to make a decision for me. I still love you, M.

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And his instant reaction:

I LOVE YOU too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A lot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

***************************************

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Touch Me There …… You’re always there, in my dreams, And I’m wonderfully weak, Savoring each of your moist kisses . My desire only heightens As your lips press Against every inch of my flesh …… Except for that one spot, Which I won’t tell you about now. And I only ask That you’ll touch me there later……..

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CHAPTER 24

IN KINSHASA ……

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Need a special gift in life It’s magic can’t compare The gentleness of special kiss Soft breezes in the air. With wings of lace and beauty I send this kiss your way That you will feel the softness Of bonded love to stay. Greeting that is always blessed That comes with special touch Gentle as the softest breeze That says you’re loved so much. Feel these wings around you With special loving care To let you know the kindness Of love that’s always there. So hold me close on this day I’m always there for you With arms that gentle reach out This kiss is meant for you. 293

B

y now you will have noticed that during the

weekends Jeff and I dramatically minimized communication – at least while being in Johannesburg.

our

So this is what it came down to – the weekends were his wife’s - the week was his girlfriend’s ………. ******************* On Monday, November 13th, he told me that he was already at the Airport getting to head to Kinshasa ……… He then called later in the evening and we had a nice ‘row’ over the phone ……… He was again going back to the question why I had not come to Cape Town ….. maybe I had another man ….. I was driving him crazy ….. if I had come to spend some days with him, all our problems would be solved …….. and finally that he could not go on like that because he needed me ‘like crazy’……… I told him that this was a totally unacceptable way of talking – if he continued I would prefer to cut – and maybe this is what he wanted ……. ??????????? Upset he wrote:

Marianne, Again you jump to your USUAL conclusions …….. I never meant to HURT you ………. I do want to keep communicating with you …….. I want to have a 294

relationship with you (as long it comes WITHOUT HEADACHES) …… I do want us to continue doing and achieving what we started ……… I want what we had before …….. and I will try my best to TRUST you and NOT give you any ‘IDEAS’ about jumping to conclusions ………. Smile, my dear ….. I STILL LOVE you ….. A LOT!!!!!!! JK I replied:

Explanation accepted – but you have scared me a lot. Please be careful in Kinshasa. I have heard too much about the fighting and killing going on there and that it will be worse during the coming days. Don’t risk your life for a story, please……….. Marianne The following morning he wrote:

Went to bed at 5 a.m. ….. had been writing and editing most of the night a story on European Troops helping to keep the peace in the streets of Kinshasa ….. spent most of the afternoon and evening with them and the story is playing on CNN all day today ………. But good to know you were ‘up’ at the same time as well ….. hope your ‘dreams’ were GOOD !!!!!!!!!!! Off to another story …….. chat later. JK 295

I wrote back:

I saw it …… and liked what I saw ………….. And I liked your pink shirt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M. And Jeff:

Ha Ha Ha …….. Fucsia, my dear …… Fucsia …….. Glad you liked it …….. and even more glad you’re watching …….. JK He then called late that night – and we had another row over the phone – he was obviously tired and nervous - and again started to accuse me for being selfish and not understanding ……….. Before slamming down the receiver, ‘asshole’ ……….

I called him

But this he could not accept and wrote:

Why don’t you understand that I’m in a place that’s difficult to communicate from and even more difficult to reach? Can’t you see from watching CNN that I’m busy working? So when I call you, don’t put down the phone on me!!!!!

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Please, Marianne, STOP acting like a SILLY SCHOOL GIRL ……….. You should UNDERSTAND that the CONGO is the worst place to communicate from …… you’ve been here …. you should KNOW!!!!!!!!!! And having traveled in Africa as much as you have, you should KNOW that this is probably the WORST of the WORST …….. Don’t try and make me feel guilty by writing these things………. I’m under a LOT of pressure as it is ………. and STRESSED as HELL …… and you should UNDERSTAND. PLEASE don’t do THAT AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!! It’s CRAZY out here …….. you MUST know that!!!!!!!!!!! JK PS. I LOVED that FUCKING language you USED ….. you should USE it more often ….. as ‘EDUCATED’ as you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My response was terse:

Luckily you did not hear me when I read your mail ….. it was a nice collection of bad words and I have even surprised myself for knowing them ………… M.

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And his instant reply:

I LOVE you, Marianne …….. DON’T FORGET THAT ……….

YOU

EVER

Even IF you DON’T HEAR FROM ME for a few days………..just think and KNOW I AM WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN in your CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK Soon after he called to alert me that he had made a mistake and sent to me an email which was meant for OPRAH …… it read:

I’ll make you a DEAL ….. if you don’t mind editing Saturday morning, we’ll shoot the LINKS first thing Saturday and FTP them …… remember, we’re SIX hours ahead …… and by the time you get in (8 or 9 a.m.), they’ll be SITTING in the bin for you. Let me know ………… JK After having seen it, I wrote:

I realized that the mail was not for me – but it was nice to see that even a ‘perfect’ man like you can make a mistake ……… made you a bit human, I guess. M.

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Jeff’s reaction:

Ha Ha Ha Ha ……… you see I AM HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my reply:

Not just human ………… but a lot more …………

And Jeff:

Oh yeah ………. TELL ME ………. I wish I could MAKE LOVE to you TONIGHT …….. I have SOME IDEAS …… What about you? CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK A few hours later – late in the night – I wrote:

My dream of last night ……… I was sleeping – everything was dark. All of the sudden I felt your hands on me, caressing me. I was lying on the side, so you only could touch my back and then you kissed me and moved from my neck down my back to my legs.

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I still was half asleep and did not want to wake up since I was afraid that this was only a dream. But your caresses were so strong and I was too excited so some waves of sensual excitement made me shiver. I started to reach out for you – but you stopped my hands from touching you telling me that this is your night only – I should just enjoy you – and I did. Then finally you entered me – I felt you strong and big in me. You started moving, first very slow and then faster and faster – deeper and deeper – until I felt that you were filling all of me, warm and strong, and then finally you reached an orgasm which was shaking me too. But you continued staying in me telling me to keep my eyes closed and continue feeling you. And then you started again. I felt you becoming bigger and bigger again in me and then you told me that this is now my turn…. it’s my time of pleasure – and it was. When I finally reached my orgasm and opened my eyes, I realized that I had only dreamed – I was alone………….. Do you know now what you are doing to me??????????? M. And Jeff’s reaction – early in the morning – on Friday, November 17th …………

I had to finish yet another story for this week’s INSIDE AFRICA …… which I hope you’ll be watching on Saturday …… and I hope Sassa as well???????? But I know it’s her birthday Saturday so I’m sure she’ll be busy ….. And NOW to your dream ……… 300

I had to rush and take a cold SHOWER after reading it …… and came back still SMILING …. at least for now………. We’ll have to do something about it before the end of the year ….. I already have some ideas which I’ll be proposing to you……. I don’t want to get you too excited but I’ll let you know SOONEST when and where ………..I’m making some plans as we speak ……. Otherwise ONE of us will EXPLODE any day now…….. Try and get some rest, do your indoor ….and think GOOD thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!

SWIMMING

Lot’s of LOVE and have a GREAT day ……….. I’ll be out of town (we’re in a place called Mbuji Mayi in the South East ….. Diamond district) doing a Diamond story …….. Stay SWEET and thanks for sharing your DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVELY

JK My reply – teasing him:

“Exploding” that’s your part ‘of the game’ – so try to do something about it – either in taking cold showers or …….

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Of course I would prefer the ‘or’ ….. and not only in my dreams ……. Smile, my Love – you are dealing with a woman who is sure that you are the right man to talk to like that ….. and more than that, a man who knows what to do about it………. Now you can start planning ………. M. Jeff’s reply at 6:45 a.m. the following morning, Saturday, November 18th:

Good morning, my LOVE ……… it’s Saturday morning and before you ask me whether I sent Sassa a birthday message ……. I did !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you had a ‘calmer’ night ……….. and wishing you a LOVELY weekend …… We’re off back to Kinshasa this morning …. and try to get one more story done before we head back to Johannesburg tomorrow ………… Then I take some time off ………… I just feel ‘burnt’ out with one story after another …… I desperately need to renew my batteries ….. just not have to show up to work for a few days …….. I wish I could fly to Malaga and ‘escape’ into your warm embrace …….. but that won’t be possible for now …..

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Hang in there ……… I know you have a lot on your mind too ……. maybe you should take some time off as well????? Like I said, hang in there …… and know that someone out here in the ‘Heart of Darkness’ LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS………. JK After INSIDE AFRICA on Saturday, he first wrote asking if I had seen and liked the show …….. when I did not reply immediately, he called. And another – very bad fight started…….. for the first time he showed the face of a very jealous and possessive man ……… even offensive. The reason was the fact that I told him that I was going to Madrid to meet some old friends before going to Zurich to see my daughter. Although it had been his idea that I should also take some days off, he now accused me for having another ‘lover’ whom I preferred to him ………….maybe that had been even the real reason why I did not come to Cape Town when he asked me ………. I told him to ‘go to hell’ …………. and that it was not his business what and with whom I was doing anything since I also never asked him about his private life ………….. *********

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After having arrived in Madrid, I wrote to him in the evening:

You once told me that I should use some bad words when it is necessary. I did before leaving for Madrid – I did when I landed in Madrid – and I will continue using it during the next days and I fear also when I am Zurich. There is only one word which fits my feelings for you at the moment …………….. and that is not a very nice one…… It starts with an ‘a’ and it ends with an ‘e’ ……… and now you can guess…….. M. It took Jeff two minutes to ‘guess’ – just read what he wrote:

ASSHOLE ????????????????????????????????????????? I’m an ASSHOLE ?????? I’m an ASSHOLE ??????? …………….………I’m off for ten days …….. maybe that will give you ENOUGH time to ‘CALM DOWN’ ……… MAYBE!!!!!!!!!! JK

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I shot back:

I do not want to comment on this ……. let’s both start enjoying the ‘break’ – you from me and I from you. We both need this – and then maybe we can find a way to deal with each other in a more decent way – and this applies to both of us. M. Jeff instant reply:

Yes yes yes ……… totally agreed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I LOVE you ……… very very MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! JK ******************** After this we did not communicate for abt. 10 days. He took time off from work and I went first to Madrid and then to Zurich to spend some days with my daughter ……. And as it came out now, this was the time when his wife became pregnant ………… The baby should have been due around the middle of August ………… So at the end, something good has come out from all this mess !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ******************** 305

I’m sitting here thinking about you Like I do every day. I’m trying to concentrate, But these fantasies of you hold me at bay. I’m imagining how great if would be if you Gave yourself to me. I vow that I would willingly drown In this sea of ecstasy. I can feel your body pressed into mine, Caught in a tempest of fire, Enraptured by true love that’s so divine. I can feel your kisses on my neck, And the play of your fingers upon my chest, And I’m enchanted by the spell that you cast best. I can hear your sighs and the urgent beating Of your heart, And I become undone, while in my fantasies So steamy and hot – We become one………. 306

CHAPTER 25

THE MADNESS CONTINUES ……

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Here I am waiting for you To come home and make love to me. Our bodies entwined all night through, Reaching the highest height of ecstasy. You my love know just what to do, To place that smile upon my face. Tonight lets make love under the moon, While our love travels thru space. I know you like it nice and slow, Our bodies moving like waves in the ocean. Like fireworks putting on a magical show, We’ll ravish each exciting moment, Until we feel the final explosion………

308

Although he must have obviously spent some nice and

also exciting days with his wife (…… since she became pregnant during this time, I am sure he did……) - , he immediately called and then also wrote to me on Friday, December 1st :

Hey SWEETNESS, I’m back …….. and feeling really WELL-RESTED ….. it was good to be away and just ‘switch’ everything OFF ….. the batteries are FULLY recharged and I’m ready to ROLL!!!!!!!!! You too sound well-rested ….. Switzerland must have been GOOD for you ….. and your LOVELY daughter MUST have ‘knocked’ some sense into you because you now sound a lot more ‘calmer’ and relaxed!!!!!!!!!!! As you can imagine, the EMAILS in my INBOX are plenty ….. and I need to go through them ….. then ‘settle’ in and try to get a sense of what’s happening…… It’s good to be back in communication ……….. And YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I STILL LOVE YOU …… VERY VERY MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll be in touch more ‘regularly’ next week ….. although I’m off to Botswana on Tuesday …. and then onto Kenya over the next weekend to do a bunch of stories ….. and then back in Joburg and will be here over Christmas and New Year’s ….. Stay sweet and again, communication.

it’s

GREAT

to be back in

309

ALWAYS, JK

I had received just a few days earlier the message that Father Angelo d’Agostini, the Founder of the Nyumbani Aids Orphans Village in Nairobi, had died on November 20th and knew that also Jeff had been informed this. Father d’Ag had been an old friend of mine who also had inspired me to write my book ‘A Shining Star in Darkness’. So when hearing that Jeff might be going to Nairobi the following weekend, I wrote to him:

Since you said you go also to Kenya ….. Could you do me a favor to also visit Nyumbani? I want you to see the children since this is where – agreed with Sassa – I want her to get involved. When you go there, please buy the CD ‘Watoto wa Mungi’ – it is beautiful. My favorite songs are No. 7 – Give me Peace – and especially No. 15 – Like a Sunshine. Could you please call me – it’s nice to hear your voice on TV – but much nicer when you are talking to me ….. I missed this ……. M.

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He then really called back immediately and I asked him if it was not possible to show a report on Father d’Ag in INSIDE AFRICA – as a kind of memory for a great man………. and he really did ……….. Since he was flying out to Botswana on Monday, promised to call me before leaving ….

he

I told him that I was planning to go to Seville over the weekend and was not sure if I was back by them ….. Although he tried to control himself, ‘suffer’ another outburst of jealousy ……… On Tuesday, Botswana:

December 5th,

I then had to

the then wrote from

I did try to calling you yesterday while still in Joburg but to NO avail ………. and I have been on the road ALL DAY in Gaberone and beyond ….. that’s BOTSWANA in case you didn’t know ………… I just got back to the hotel ….. and trying to wind down before getting some rest and another long day tomorrow …… Enjoy Seville ……. and let’s talk later in the week …… Friday if I get a chance….. Hope all’s well ….. I hope you liked the Father d’Ag story in INSIDE AFRICA - you see, sometimes I DO LISTEN to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU …… JK

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On Thursday, December 7th, he then wrote:

I LOVE YOU ………. First of all, my LOVE, I’m NOT in Nairobi ….. I just got back to Joburg from Botswana ….. and I just heard now that I’m NOT going to Nairobi anymore ….. the story is being shot for me and I will write it in Joburg because I have five other BIG stories I’m working on ….. So I will miss the whole UHURU / BIWOTT saga but it’s interesting the SCENARIO you painted for me against TOTAL MAN in 2012 ………. And with YOU as my CAMPAIGN MANAGER should be VERY VERY INTERESTING !!!!!!!!!!!!

that

What do you think of your NEW ROLE ………. the grandmother of my child and my campaign manager as well ????????????????????? Not bad eh !!!!!!!!!!! I shall call you tomorrow and we can discuss this further…… Have a DREAM-FILLED THOUGHTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

evening and think

GOOD

Lots of LOVE, JK I then replied the following day:

This is just a warning – I am going out at a.m. and will not be back before 7 p.m. Since the pressure is taken away from me (you know about my complexes to be too old and all the rest – 312

which Sassa always calls ‘rubbish and nonsense’), I can again think about you and all your ‘capabilities’ with a relaxed smile ……….. But to be honest, I still would like to find out if you are really that good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So in case we do not talk before the end of the day, have a nice and relaxed and enjoyable weekend. Love, Marianne He then really tried to call me – but I had already gone out – so he wrote afterwards:

So sorry I missed you, Darling …… I was really looking forward speaking to you …… I might be working for INSIDE AFRICA on Saturday and if I am, I shall definitely call you….. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK I protested:

One small complaint: I would like to fall under the category ‘pleasure’ and not under ‘work’ ….. don’t you agree??????????? Anyway, have a nice weekend and until another time when maybe pleasure can be exchanged with work???????? M.

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But this he did not accept and called me later in the evening:

“ How do I know it will be ‘pleasure since we have never met to find out – if you would have come to Cape Town, then maybe I would not need to continue guessing and dreaming …………” I then wrote the following day, Sunday, December 10th:

Although you were right when making that remark, the real question should have been: did we ever intend to find out? I guess not since dreaming and talking about it seems to have been more exciting than to try to experience the reality. Don’t you agree? Anyway, I have seen die Diamond-Report – very well done and very professional as usual ………… You are really a good journalist – no doubt about that at least…… M. Monday, December 11th, started with another series of ‘interrogations’ …….. what I had done in Seville and with whom - ‘tell me everything’ …… I told him again that this is not his business …… and then I also wrote:

314

And still even if I made love to somebody else and found out that I am still ‘very capable’, don’t worry since it has made me even more curious to know how it would be with you…………………….. All the challenge is still there to get to know that part of you …… I mean all - and not just ‘a’ part ….. So if you want to make a comment on this, I am at your disposal – preferable on the computer since talking about this is difficult for me. And just in case, you want to put the question but don’t dare: I spent that night in Seville with a Military Adviser of the American Air Force originating from the Bahamas – very attractive and of African origin …..I enjoyed it and so did he …………….. But I caught myself sometimes thinking why it could not be you ….. So now you can smile and be happy ………. M. And this really turned him on……….. he called immediately …… first at 11 a.m. and then again at 5 p.m…… Always the same subject: “Why did you not wait for me – and then: you really prefer ‘blacks’ …. don’t you ????????”

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Although I was a little bit angry about this last remark, I had to laugh since he showed with every word how jealous he was ………. One remark he made at the end of our conversation about Dr. Mungai was a bit disturbing – so I wrote later:

One remark of yours today continues disturbing my conscious …….. if I have understood well…………. “…….if ever you come again together with Dr. Mungai, I step out since one Kikuyu is enough …..” My Love, even if I make peace with Njoroge, it does not mean that I am ever planning to make again love with him …. So why for heaven’s sake should you worry - since you are the only one (at least the only one in Kenya) I could think of ……. Relaxed ???????????? M. The result of this email was another phone call by Jeff. This time he really went into his favorite subject: making love ……. and knowing very well how to embarrass me, he started to talk about making love with the mouth, entering me with his tongue ……. And assuring me – or at least trying to - that I would also love it ……… and this in all details just laughing off all my protests …………….

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At the end he wished me Good Night and “ Sweet Dreams ………” ************* The following morning I wrote:

This will make your day !!!!!!!!! Our telephone conversation late last night had one result: I dreamed about making love to you for the whole night – I only woke up at 9:30 a.m. and I am still tired ….. But now I come to the main reason for this mail: I know – since you told me – that you like to make love with your mouth and tongue. You realized when you spoke about this that I hesitated and I also explained to you that I always had problems in allowing a man to do this. The reason is that I always felt it to be the most intimate thing and I also felt that it was me loose completely to my feelings – something I always feared. And now you can really start laughing …………. I love you very much … Marianne He then really called back - laughing and enjoying the idea …… in all details ……. until I asked him to stop ……

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At the end he remarked: “Are you panicking ……..????????? Please don’t …….. I assure you, you will love what I will be doing to you - trust me……………” ************* Later that day - after having seen his report on CNN International – I wrote:

Let’s forget talking about sex and all the rest …. I just saw your report on CNN about the Botswana Bushmen …. You are a real good journalist and you give that certain human touch to all your stories …. Therefore one question: how do you do this? How do you find these people for your stories? And most important: how do you feel about this – getting their trust in you – do they know what you say about them? I am very proud of you – much more than I have ever been about myself since I feel that you are making a difference – which I tried but somehow never did. I envy you. M. Jeff then replied the following morning:

Thanks for watching, my LOVE ….. I meant to call and alert you …… but as always you are AHEAD OF THE GAME …… 318

I have an important script I’m working on for today …. once done I’ll have some time and I’ll try and call later. Have a GREAT day ….. LOVE JK When he called later that day, he proposed that I should come to South Africa together with my daughter – if I really wanted to become the ‘grandmother’ of his child ….. and when I started laughing, he then added in writing:

I’ll MAKE you SMILE a lot more when you get here….. So now the BALL IS IN YOUR COURT ……….. Let’s start working on your GRANDCHILD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! …… in the meantime, I’ll be LIVE on CNN in an hourand-a-half (6:30 p.m. your time) ….. if you’re around to WATCH …….. LOVE JK After watching him, I wrote:

You looked very pleased with yourself and I loved that. For the first time I saw you smile during a report – and sometimes stumble and search for words.

319

I liked that – it made you human and not the ‘perfect man’ as usual …….. In a few words: I admire you – like many other women I guess ……….. M. And Jeff shooting back immediately:

Ha Ha Ha ……. you don’t MISS a thing, DO YOU ????? Thanks for watching, my LOVE …… that really makes me SMILE now ….. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK But the following day the ‘old’ Jeff was back – jealous like hell – when I told him that I was going again to Seville the following weekend – Just read this – sent via his BlackBerry:

Oh, you’re going to FUCK that military attaché all weekend long?????? Aren’t you the lucky one !!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to dinner with some friends but going back to the office to do a last-minute request ….. So how about a call around 10 p.m. your time …… TODAY ??????????

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And my short reply to this – still angry:

Reply to your first question: yes, I will ………. Reply to the second part: yes, please call me even if it is after 10 p.m. - but today - not tomorrow ….. But later that evening he wrote:

Sorry, I just got a call from Atlanta and they don’t want the story that they said they wanted earlier …… TYPICAL…….. That means I won’t be going back to the office ….. and I guess we’ll chat on Monday …. After your FUCK-FILLED weekend ……… Enjoy and try to think of ME in YOU while he is IN you ……….. smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lots of LOVE …… always!!!!!!!!!!! JK I replied:

You seem quite frustrated…… But don’t worry, I will think of you – and I still hope, you understand why ….

321

I really would love you to be in his place – but he does not deserve to be just a ‘replacement’. At least that’s how I feel. I like to give the man I am with – any man – the feeling that he is the only one on earth I want to be with – because that’s how I feel and how they feel when being with me. Too much to ask ??????????????? I still love you - ‘father of my future grandchild‘ !!!!!!!! So smile, please …… and also enjoy your own weekend. Is there a chance to call me tomorrow morning – on your Blueberry - even if your phone calls are restricted to the times if and when you are in the office????? Marianne And his instant reply:

First of all it’s called a BlackBerry …… and yes, I’ll call u tomorrow BEFORE you go to enjoy your SEXUAL ESCAPADES !!!!!!!!!!!! Goodnight, my LOVE !!!!!!!!!!! But when he called the following morning, on Friday December 15th, he started another fight in demonstrating his jealousy in very ‘frank’ words …….. And after having finished his call, he even added via his BlackBerry:

322

Go and enjoy your FUCKING weekend ….. and I mean that really literally …………………….. I was mad about his reaction and mainly about his dirty language and wrote:

Is this really you talking like that ?????????? Please come down and become sensitive again. He then called and apologized and explained that he was almost out of his mind thinking that another man could do what he was dreaming of and this idea was driving him crazy and not letting him sleep …………. ****************** And now you can ask yourself ‘what was wrong with this man?’ He must have known by now that his wife was pregnant ….. and still he continued like she was not even existing……. ********************* Just read what he wrote to me the following Monday, December 18th after he had called me in the morning starting again to talk of having a child with my daughter…. I told him that I had seen in the Mashada Files a photo under the title ‘Jeff goes Indian’ showing him with a beautiful young woman – ‘her name is Shaila – correct’?

323

He then wrote – obviously angry and very upset: Yes, I do have a BEAUTIFUL wife …… and yes, SHE IS Kenyan Asian ….. So what’s the point????????? START …….

You knew that from the

Sassa is also MARRIED ….. and I’m sure to a BEAUTIFUL man….. But what we both DON’T have is an HEIR …… a KENYAN CHILD to do what MUST be done ….. She is the PERFECT candidate ….. I’m the PERFECT candidate ….. So let’s DO this …… there’s NO point in arguing or DEBATING the issue ….. it’s like comparing APPLES to ORANGES ………. I still WANT Sassa ……. very much ….. and I want to give you a GRANDCHILD ……… So let’s DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

******** I then told him that I was going to Switzerland to spend some time with my daughter and would come back only after Christmas, maybe even only at the beginning of January….. He replied:

324

Remember, someone in AFRICA loves you very much ….. and it’s NOT Njoroge !!!!!!!!!! (smile….) Lots of LOVE and Merry Christmas !!!!!!!!!!! JK ********

And with this the year 2006 ended ……..crazy ……..…. ………….but the worst was still to come ……………

*************************

325

You could give me a kiss, That would sizzle to the core; Yet I’d not be appeased If you gave me a dozen more. You could hold me close To warm this heart of red Yet you’d find that my Desire had not fled. You could visit me at night And please me with your touch. Yet come the dawn, I’d want you just as much. 326

You could try something old, Or something new and improved, Yet my hunger for you Could never be removed. You could kiss me, hold me, And vow your love so true, But no matter what you do, I’ll never get enough of you.

327

CHAPTER 26

OPRAH WINFREY PART 2

328

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be. Everybody’s searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to. I never found anyone to fulfill my needs, A lonely place to be – So I learned to depend on me. I decided long ago Never to walk in anyone’s shadows If I fail, if I succeed – At least I will live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, They can’t take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all Inside of me. The greatest love of all Is easy to achieve: Learning to love yourself – It is the greatest love of all ………….

329

After

a long ‘Christmas-Break’, we started again communicating on January 7, 2007, when I congratulated Jeff to his 41st Birthday. I wrote:

Happy Birthday …… all the best and may God help you to make all your dreams come true. I will look Anderson Cooper on Monday – actually Tuesday night - showing your Report on Oprah. So you see, I still care enough to risk another ‘sleepless night’ ….. Now go and enjoy your Birthday……… M. He replied very early in the morning although it was a Sunday via his BlackBerry:

Thank you very much ….. God Bless you too!!!!!!!! Jeff *************** Before continuing with our correspondence, I would like to share the following article Jeff wrote regarding Oprah’s involvement in South Africa ……

330

You will realize how deep Jeff got involved and how strong his feelings were which was then also becoming more than obvious to all the people watching his interview with her…….. and in the comments he then sent to me. But when reading his article very carefully, you will also note that this is a man ‘looking down’ on Africa – a man who seems to have ‘outgrown’ or at least who tries to forget his own personal background and roots ……. Just listen to this:

I’ve been covering this continent for a dozen years. There’s very little about Africa that I haven’t seen, heard, smelled or felt. As a reporter, I’ve been in parts of Africa that can only be described as Godforsaken, covering stories as varied as famines in Niger, civil wars in devastated regions like Darfur and the victims of civil wars in Uganda and Sierra Leone and mass rapes in the Congo. I’ve been up close and personal with the most bizarre characters in war-ravaged places like Liberia, people who preferred to go into combat dressed in ways more fitting for a circus than a battle zone and rubbed shoulders with child soldiers barely old enough or tall enough to be carrying weapons of war. And in nation after nation, one recurring image will always haunt me – the faces of those children scarred by war, famine, disease, children forced to become adults in the blink of an eye, children who will never be able to just be kids again. These are the times that I - as an African and as a reporter ask myself, “How much worse can things get for my people?” But there are rays of hope. We saw one last week. Oprah Winfrey’s decision to spend tens of millions of dollars of her own money to help educate children she’s never known in a land so far away from her own. 331

I remember meeting Oprah back in August in Soweto, a sprawling ghetto in Johannesburg, where she’d been visiting some of the finalists for her school. She wanted to know how each of the girls lives and what kinds of homes they come from. I remember one girl’s mother, overcome with emotion. So touched she was over Oprah coming to her humble home. “You know what”, she said, “I was thinking angels were white and they have wings and we only have angels in heaven, so now I can see that we are living in this world with angels. Oprah, you’re an angel, an angel from God.” Oprah instantly burst into tears. Many are quick to criticize Oprah’s philanthropy. Why spend so much on just one girl’s school, they ask. Why couldn’t she have spent that money building several schools throughout Africa? Why not keep the money in the United States and help educate American kids instead? Is this school just for blacks? “This school is open to all girls who are disadvantaged – all girls, all races who are disadvantaged,” Oprah responds. “And we all know that the most disadvantaged in this country is with black people. We have white girls in this school, Indian girls in this school, what you call colored girls in this school, and we have black girls in this school, Hindu girls in this school, Muslim girls in this school, and Christian girls in this school.” Of course, Oprah didn’t have to do this, investing in this leadership academy for girls, young women she’s now all – but adopted as her own. Back in August, just after she’d announced the first class of her academy and the girls were busy jumping for joy on stage, Oprah turned to the girls’ parents and grandparents and guardians and said something I’ll never forget.

332

“For many years, people always asked me why didn’t I have children? Why didn’t I have children? Now I know why I didn’t have children. Because I now have all of these daughters, all of these daughters and I want you to know that these are now our daughters.” This past week, as Oprah gave me a tour of her school, as we walked around the beautifully manicured gardens and pristine buildings, she seemed to be at peace with herself. “This is me,” she said, “These girls are a reflection of me, and I’m 100 percent certain that this school will produce the leaders of tomorrow.” There’s an African proverb my mother passed along to me that goes something like this, “Education is like a garden - you water it and it blooms - you neglect is and it shrivels up and dies.” In this tiny corner of Africa, one woman is busy watering the gardens of tomorrow – one girl at a time. ********************** After having seen his Report on Oprah’s School, I wrote on Tuesday, January 9, at 4:13 a.m.!!!!!!!!:

A sleepless night worth it !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am impressed - Oprah and Anderson Cooper will for sure be proud of you – this was one of your best ‘shows’ I have seen up to now. You are really good and you can bring your stories to the hearts of the people – and to mine. Thanks. M. 333

And his instant reply via his BlackBerry:

I am glad you stayed up to watch it …………… One of the PROUDEST moments of my life …….. And I poured my heart out like I’ve never done before!!!!!!!! Thanks for watching !!!!!!!!!!!! JK I wrote back (still in the middle of the night at 5:24 a.m.):

I have realized that - it was very moving and not just a ‘show’ ….. This was you with all your heart …… M.

And Jeff’s instant reply:

……… She’s an AMAZING woman ……… and what a presence …… just being there with her ….. and she ‘trusting’ me and my reporting (because as you’d expect she’s very protective of her reputation and didn’t know where I was going with the whole interviewing thing) But she was simply AMAZING …… and she’s done what NO other man has been able to DO …….. That makes her even more AMAZING !!!!!!!!!! 334

And you are right - I’ve never been so touched …… or even so moved by one person’s actions ……. and so genuine, so practical, so down-to-earth despite her WEALTH and STATUS !!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK After having ‘digested’ his email, I replied:

You’re probably right - she is amazing and she has remained what she most probably always was – a ‘human being’ ……. Though having read about her in the Internet, I agree with you that she must have been also sometimes been very hurt by all the funny stories about her private life. But then - of course - she trusted you because you are like her and she must have realized that immediately. She is very intelligent - and still a woman with a very soft side and very strong feelings for others. And that’s what I admire most in her. Let me add something more: If I had not fallen in love with you before - I would have done now ……… You do not have to reply to this last remark - just read and believe it……… M. And again he repeated what he had said already before: 335

You’re right ………. I’ve never been so touched ……. or even so moved by one person’s actions …….. What a WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!! JK To this I replied:

When I saw the Report again, something struck me: I realized that it was Oprah who has brought out the best in you………. it was obviously her influence, her personality and her enchanting way that has let you ‘loose your control……………… Am I right????????????????? Oprah was very defensive in the beginning as she usually is - but then something happened after she spoke to you for a while: There was a bond - a trust between her and you almost love …………. Especially when she touched your hand, put her arms around you - and so did you ……… And suddenly there were two people talking and feeling the same ---- forgetting (at least that’s the impression I got) that there was a camera catching this ‘special moment’ between two people - two people sharing the same feelings ……….. I am glad for you because I have never seen you so happy before !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 336

And Jeff again:

I am glad you saw that … AMAZING isn’t it?????????????

*********************** I then told him that I had even opened a bottle of Champagne and drunk a glass ‘in his honor’ …… That was then the moment when he felt like calling telling me that the CNN-Conference would maybe take place in London soon ……. and then he added in writing:

….. and how many GLASSES of French Champagne have you had now ???????? Let’s wait and see what happens when we eventually meet ….. Hopefully in a month or two when I head to London ……. I shot back:

I have to disappoint you - it was a waste of the whole bottle since I only drunk one glass …… And I still do not believe that we ever meet - but I still hope – so let’s see………. M.

****************************** 337

Endless longing ……….. Tonight the stars Were fierce in their beauty, And all because you came To paint alters In my sky. And now you burn In every drop of My blood, And I’m made of Endless longing.

338

CHAPTER 27

WHILE BEING AT THE KENYAN-SOMALIA BORDER …….

339

There never was a woman loved more, From sea to sea or shore to shore. Unmatchable beauty is what I find, Each time I gaze at this girl of mine. She could have found much more, Had it been her plan. But she honored and blessed me, As she chose me as her man. Astonishing and captivating, A sight for all to see. But her unmatchable inner beauty, Is what really captured me ………..

340

J

anuary 2007 found Jeff in Somalia……….. to cover

the deteriorating situation there. ***************** But listen to what Jeff had to say on all this:

Stranded at the Kenya – Somalia Border ….. We’re on a mission …. to get to the village of Liboi on the Kenya-Somalia border – a tiny spot on the map which has been the entry point for many fleeing victims of Somalia’s clan wars since the early 1990s. We’ve chartered a plane in the Kenyan capital Nairobi (a sixseater Cessna with a two-man crew and carrying 300 kilos of gear). Destination, the tiny town of Dadaab in the country’s east. The flight is smooth and uneventful, thanks to the experienced German pilot who clearly knows his way around the thick clouds. Along the way, we get an amazing double-view of the snow-capped peaks of Mount Kenya and Kilimanjaro. Two hours later, we’re in Dadaab and meet up with the rest of our crew which drove up the night before. We pack the 4x4 and head due east to the border. The roads are unbelievably bad, the terrain inhospitable on a good day. I wonder to myself, even if the Somalis refugees make it across the border, walking the 75 kilometers to Liboi under a 50-degree sun is suicidal at best. Every now and then we see antelopes and other wild game skipping across the landscape while a warthog and her little family scamper at the sight of our loud and dusty vehicle.

341

Three hours later we finally get to our destination - the village of Liboi a few miles way from the border……….. It’s literally a one-horse-town – dry, dusty, deplorable – with families of refugees lining both side of the main dust-filled street: Men, women, children and more children….. We check into the only hotel available. It claims to offer fivestar service…… Actually it’s a dive with no electricity, a roach motel with no running water but (thank God) cold soft drinks …………….. We devour what seems a fridge-full of drinks, quenching our thirst from the now unbearable heat…… It’s going to be a tough few days here ……… but I’m thinking of the poor refugees stranded across the border with their few belongings and fast running out of water and food. At least we know we’ll be leaving this God-forsaken land in just a matter of days……………….. But these refugees don’t know how long they’ll be in this ‘black hole’ ………….. not wanting to return to Mogadishu due to fighting and not knowing who will eventually come out to their rescue ………. ……. here in the middle of nowhere in Africa…….. -----------------------------

On January 13, I wrote:

Are you still at the border of Somalia - or where else?

342

I know you are testing my endurance and patience …… but still, please give me a short personal signal. Love, Marianne Understanding my worries, he replied immediately:

My LOVE, I hope you liked the program yesterday ……….. Still doing more stories ………. This place is D E P R E S S I N G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk soon, JK After having seen the ISIDE-AFRICA version, I wrote:

My love…….. …...or should I better say ‘ hopeful lover ‘ ???????????? This is just to make you smile in a place like that………….. Yes – I saw it – I even almost risked a car accident because I was driving too fast back from Marbella and there was a lot of traffic – but don’t worry - I made it without getting myself into troubles …………… but Sue who was with me could not refrain from making the remark ‘ that’s really love’ ……….

343

So I am confirming herewith: ………I love you with all my heart – as a woman and as a friend………….. M. On January 14th, the then wrote:

The life of a refugee ……….. Thanks, my LOVE ……….it’s 2:30 in the morning and we’re still EDITING our story …. we also plan to return to Nairobi in the morning (I hope our plane arrives) and continue doing the story for maybe a day or two there ….. get a government reaction or something …….. As for sleeping conditions, we’re sleeping in tents on a cold, hard floor, not unlike the refugees themselves ….. So you can say, I’m living the life of a refugee for a few days …… NOBODY should ever say this is GLAMOROUS business !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait for a HOT shower and a decent bed at the NORFOLK …………. Take care and talk soon, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK To this I replied:

I saw the last report and as much as I felt sorry for the people, I also realized how much their misery is affecting you. And this also applies to your team, especially the camera-man. You all are bringing the suffering of these people to the world and I hope also to the hearts of certain politicians. 344

How are you able to survive and sleep when you are surrounded by this? I know you should stay ‘neutral’ – but I do not believe that this is possible. At least not in circumstances like this where you stay for days together with them. And I also do not think that you can just forget all this – even if and when you finally reach Nairobi again and your hopefully comfortable bed in the Norfolk. These are my thoughts and feelings when I watch you……. I love you, M.

***********************

345

I can’t live without you. I would breathe the air, and my heart would beat, But I would not feel the joy of life. My dreams would be lost like a leaf carted away by a storm. I would gaze at the stars Without appreciating the way they light up the sky. I would pass the roses in bloom Without noticing their beauty. I would no longer look forward to each sunset and each dawn. I would be broken, Never to be mended again. Winter would own my heart; its icy breath would steal The warmth in my soul, Because I could not smile without your love. I could not know laughter or happiness. If you were lost to me, I’d have no reason to try, no reason to be. You are my prayer, My shelter from hopelessness and despair, My sunshine, my light, my lazy days, my peaceful nights, And only you can keep the spark in my soul burning. 346

CHAPTER 28

THE LONDON MEETING COMES INTO SIGHT …………

347

Join me, my Love, in a night of romance – Maybe dinner for two, or a moonlight dance. Accompany me on a sunset stroll, I must tell you how you’re my heart and my soul. We could secretly meet at a charming café Where we’ll wile the afternoon away. Or let’s hide away in a cottage somewhere And entice one another to a mid-day affair! Meet me no matter the time or the place ….. I’m hopelessly longing for your embrace. Join me, my Darling, whatever we do – I just want to show you how much I love you……. 348

After having arrived in Nairobi,

January 15 confirmed.

th

Jeff informed me on that the London-Conference finally had been

He wrote:

The time has come !!!!!!!!!!!!! …. as I always say, GOOD THINGS come to those who wait ……… I’ve just received an email from our bosses that that ‘delayed’ London meeting is now on …… it’s on the 21st and 22nd of February and all CNN CORRESPONDENTS from around the world are invited ….. I plan to leave Joburg the 19th and get there the 20th ….. that means, I have ALL of the 20th free (I’m sure the bosses will have an ‘official’ dinner on the 21st or the 22nd – so I’ll be busy those two evenings ….. and of course meetings all day) – and I leave to return to Joburg the night of the 23rd ……… So, this is the PERFECT time for us to finally meet and ‘do what we’re always wanted to do to each other’ !!!!!!!!! This is the MOMENT ………… I suggest you plan to meet me there ……… I’ll be staying at the KEMPINSKI on Great Marlborough Street (as well ALL the CNN Correspondents) - so I suggest you book yourself into the Langham (used to be called the Langham Hilton) off Oxford Circus ……….. I hope, you can make it …….. you have enough time to ‘get over’ your NERVOUSNESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

349

Let me know …… I’m back in Nairobi and working on a story for tomorrow …… so I’ll be busy but I will check my mail every now and then ………. I love you and NOW really looking forward ……… that’s IF you can make it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK As a first reaction I wrote:

Me not nervous ?????????? You must be joking ……….. You may realize that you got me smiling and ‘planning’ …. We will see what really happens – maybe at the last moment I still ‘escape’ ????????? M. Jeff then called …….. and got very upset when I started having doubts about the whole meeting based on the fact that I saw him quite occupied with CNN and maybe not having much time for us ……… So the call ended with another ‘row’ and his final remark:

Cool down …………. and then let me know if you are coming to London …….. It’s your decision…….. I CAN ONLY TALK FOR MYSELF: YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND THAT I WANT YOU !!!!!!

350

I decided to put my thoughts and doubts into writing:

Having ‘cooled’ down ………. I have two or three remarks to make: Why do I have to stay in another hotel ? Why do you have only time for me on the first day – the first hours after your arrival? At least this is how I read your today’s mail telling me that you are occupied the following days and evenings …… and not even mentioning the first night together? I understand that you are occupied with CNN also for some official dinners- but as said the last time “we have always the nights together”….. So why can’t I stay in the same hotel (you can easily make the reservation for me in my name) and we could spend the nights together ???????????? I have only one explanation for all these changes: you are not coming alone to London and so I have to stay ‘out of the way’ ? Or you want to avoid problems in case the ‘chemistry’ is not functioning ? I may be wrong about all this – at least I hope I am. M. Jeff’s immediate reply – upset and angry:

WOW ….. PARANOID already ????????????????

351

I knew I shouldn’t have asked you to come to London….. your mind starts racing into OVERTIME and you start thinking such NEGATIVE thoughts ………….. First of all, I am COMING alone ……… and you can’t stay in my hotel because ALL of CNN’s people will be staying there and someone will see us either at the bar, or in the lift or in the LOBBY …….. Many of them know my wife …… so that’s NOT a GOOD idea ………… Secondly, I know for sure CNN will have one of the evenings as an ‘official’ one of dinner, etc. …… that’s why I don’t want to commit to ‘every night’ ……… Thirdly, I’m coming in one day early so I can spend it ALL with YOU ……….. I’m just trying to be considerate here…….. If you’re NOT comfortable with that, then we can take a pass and do it another time (which will probably be NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!) Your choice: …………… one night ………. possibly two …… is BETTER THAN NONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back to you……. JK When I did not reply immediately, he even called – disappointed and angry – calling my still existing doubts again ‘paranoid’ ………… I refused to comment on this and wrote instead:

352

Before we continue discussing this further: please don’t use that stupid word of being ‘paranoid’ again …….. I am just a woman being in love with you – but I want to feel relaxed when we meet and I do not want to create or to face problems. This could damage everything we have or hope to have between you and me. So, I promise to be positive – at least I will try – but you know me – so please be patient as you have always been in the past. I will make the reservation for the flight and then also for the hotel. I want you and I also want to make love to you ….. Do you still remember what you told me you would like to do???????????? Or do I have to remind you ??????????????? M. And here is the ‘old’ Jeff’s typical reply:

I don’t need reminding ………………. I have a mind like an ELEPHANT ……… AND SOMETHING ELSE LIKE AN ELEPHANT AS WELL ……………….. smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looking forward !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

353

The following day, January 16th, I then wrote:

Something more ….. and then I promise to leave you in peace for the next couple of days – at least on this subject. Can we agree that when we meet in London to first take a little bit time to get to know each other, talk to each other and see what happens then? Maybe we like each other but not enough to pass on to more? Can we promise to be honest about this, you and me, without having to fear that the other one is hurt? You are a very attractive man with a captivating personality . I know or at least I can also very well imagine that you are a good and experienced lover too. I would like to find out everything about you – but I am scared at the same time – but not scared enough to say ‘no’ to London…….. I really want to find out what it is all about ……….. M. He then called to assure me that I should not be afraid - ‘you are in good hands, my Love – trust me’ …………. Since he did not know yet his exact flight dates (the reservation were being made via the office in Joburg) – and he was still ‘chasing the Kenyans’ like I called it, I then wrote:

Please tell me the exact dates and times so I can make my London reservations …….. I need the exact details for the flight-bookings. 354

Would also be nice to hear your voice once again before you are leaving for Joburg (and maybe tell me some more details of your elephant-like-memory ………. and something else). Would be really fun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M. And his instant reaction:

All I know is that I’m leaving SA on the 19th ….. get in sometime on the 20th ….. I suggest you leave Spain on the 20th and get in by 2 p.m.(ish)….. As for the ‘elephant memories’ ……… you’ll just have to WAIT and SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK Shooting back, I wrote:

So I will make the flight reservation for the 20th – and then the return flight for the 22nd (just in case). You see, I have some trust in the ‘elephant part’ !!!!!!!!! But I have to correct your statement: it is not ‘just wait and SEE….’ - you should have said ‘just wait and FEEL’………. And now you can smile. M.

355

And Jeff:

…… ha ha ha ……….. I like that ¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today is FAMILY ………… I’m going to spend the day with my mother and sisters ……….. and get ready to head back to Joburg tomorrow………. Have a GREAT ‘planning’.

day ……. and good luck wit the

See you soon ………. and I really mean that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK He then called before leaving Nairobi – and I asked him to confirm if I should make the hotel reservation for one or two nights…. To this he replied on January 18:

I say stay until the 22nd …… and STOP thinking too much about it ………. just RELAX and take it EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will be FINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK Soon after he went back to Johannesburg – and to his wife ………….. who – as I later found out – was expecting their first child and was in the third month pregnant ………. You would expect Jeff to be the happiest man on earth, won’t you? 356

But just listen and read the following: On Monday, office he wrote:

January 22nd,

while being back in the

Good morning ………. How’s my Swiss Princess this morning?????? Hope you’re feeling well and ready to tackle the week …….. I finally got some rest ….. and a real bed to sleep in and some real food to eat !!!!!!!!!! I’m now back in the office and working on a couple of things …… I have a story on ‘Sex Slaves’ in Uganda and then I may be going to Nigeria later this week to do another story ….. so as you can see I’m keeping myself nice and busy until the 19th of Feb …….. By the way, I didn’t tell you that on my last day in Nairobi just before I was checking out at the Norfolk, guess who talks in????????????? TOTAL MAN !!!!!!!!! As usual he walked up to me and gave me a BIG HUG (again, I wanted to run back to my room to take a shower) ….. I also wanted to pass him your book and say I just got a copy and wondered if he’d heard about it. But since you’d signed it personally to me, I didn’t want him to ‘make the connection between you and me’ !!!!!!!!! But if you want me to pass him a copy with your ‘BEST REGARDS’, please let me know ……… I can always be your ‘messenger’ !!!!!!!!!!!

357

Miss you MUCH …….. and can’t wait to finally meet you, talk with you, laugh with you ……. and MOST OF ALL ….. MAKE MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE TO YOU ………. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK He then called the same morning and asked if my daughter could not come together with me to London…………….. After having called, he even added in writing:

…………. and my SICK MIND is thinking what IF could MAKE LOVE TO MOTHER AND DAUGHTER AT THE SAME TIME …………. TOGETHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW THAT’S A FANTASY LIKE NO OTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your turn to SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!!! JK I did not take this whole matter serious and wrote back – teasing him:

Yes – I am smiling, but I am not surprised - I knew your fantasy would start racing ……… But no promise on this subject ………………. M.

358

And Jeff’s immediate reaction:

Ha Ha Ha ……. At least you’re keeping this option OPEN ……. I like that ……….. NOW it’s up to me NOT to disappoint you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you know me by NOW ………. I can TALK THE TALK ……… and WALK THE WALK !!!!!!!!!!!!! But just imagine the Menage a TROIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENCROYABLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK My comment:

You are impossible – and you know it too well. You really like this subject – true ??????????? I know also that you are good – you have this special aura of being an excellent lover ……….. I am still working on the German translation of my book and have reached the chapter where I talk about the first night with Moi ….. But this makes things even worse – I really want you!!!!! M. Jeff shooting back immediately:

How about this for a TITLE ………….. MARIANNE, MOI and ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha ………………

359

And I:

Maybe …….. but are you sure ?????????????????

_____________________________________________

And Jeff:

Am I sure about what ????????????????? _____________________________________________ My reply:

….. that he can compete with you - or you compete with him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

____________________________________ And Jeff:

Now ONLY you would KNOW about that ………. but I know he doesn’t EAT PUSSY ………. AND I DO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha ………… so at least I’m already ahead of the GAME here ……………… My reply to this:

Now you finally reached what you may have intended from the beginning when starting this subject: ‘I am blushing ……….’ You are definitely too dangerous for keeping me on the track of serious working …………. M. 360

And Jeff’s final comment on this first day in office on January 22nd :

Now that my ‘JOB’ is done …… you can go back to WORK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk later, my LOVE….. JK

********

What do you think now? Does this show a happy man and future father - or just a man who has nothing else in his mind than how to make love to somebody else ???? I guess, your answer to this question is the same as mine…….

******************************

361

Whisper my desire ….. I can see my body lying smoothly Beside yours. I can see all of me, Offering all to you. I’m kissing you, Touching your face. Your eyes are intense, Studying me with need. I could tell you more, But I’d rather tell you With me eyes next we meet. Until then, I’ll let these thoughts Whisper my desire in your ears. 362

CHAPTER 29

HIV ……….. AND OTHER SUBJECTS

363

Soul Mates …….. Never have a felt more complete in life. For you have fulfilled my heart and soul. To my life you have brought such beauty. The beauty of an unconditional love. Never again shall I ever feel so alone. For part of you shall forever live inside of my heart…. The softness of your voice when you say ‘I love you’ Touches my heart far more than you know …. A love as such brings tears of joy to my eyes. For never have I known ‘ This Miracle of Love ‘.

364

Since it had become more and more obvious that we

would finally meet and most probably also have a sexual relationship, I found it necessary to touch also this subject.

But first I had to clarify something and therefore wrote the following day, January 23rd:

I think I have to make a ‘confession’ bothering me for quite some time now:

since this is

When I met the American Commander in Seville, we did not go up to the ‘last’ (as you once put it ….). Though it was good for the rest – but no real sex. The reason (and here we come back to the reason why I had cut with Dr. Mungai those almost 13 years ago and have also not been together with any other man since): I was too scared because I did not know with whom he had been together before me. I thought you should know this before we meet in London. You therefore be the first man since 13 years with whom I really want to make love and more important whom I would trust. I have the strong feeling that I can. Funny isn’t it – without knowing you personally you have given me this impression and I never doubted it. You don’t have to reply to this if you feel that this subject is too sensitive for you to write about ……… M.

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But to my surprise Jeff replied immediately:

You see, you’re getting ‘better and better’ each day …. I appreciate your trusting me on this ….. just as I trust you ….. I thought for a moment you were going to ask me to come with a ‘Doctor’s letter’ saying I was HIVNegative….. You don’t have to worry, my Love …… I LOVE myself too much and have TOO MUCH to live for to jeopardize my life …… or YOURS …… for that matter …… So, relax, be cool ……. and PREPARE for the FUCKING of your LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thanks for being truthful about the American ….. I’m GLAD you don’t take RISKS like that …… I LOVE YOU, MY SWISS PRINCESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And really looking for the next month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK Moments after writing this letter, Jeff also called and assured me that he was clean. And then he insisted that I tell Sassa about it. And to put more emphasis on this, he then wrote:

And tell her I would also LOVE to make love to HER …… After ‘Mami’ of course …….. 366

And if she wants to see the ‘Doctor’s note’ before, I will happily do so…… SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK Teasing him I wrote back:

I am smiling ……. and I am still hoping for that grandchild you have promised ………….. And Jeff:

I always KEEP my PROMISES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK But that didn’t stop him from calling again soon after. And this time he had a different question.

Why had I decided to stay away from men for so long? What happened, my Love? Tell me ---- trust me ---- I want to know everything about you ………… Knowing that he would continue putting me under pressure, I decided that it would be better to reply immediately:

It all started in Tanzania when the wife of the then President Ali Hassan Mwinyi had taken over the patronage of the Aids-Orphans Foundation BONITE and

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asked me if I would be interested to represent it in Europe. I agreed and got the official Document signed by Fatma Said Ali, Minister of State, Office of the President. Since the whole issue was something I had heard and read but never really knew about, I then asked Fatma to take me to some hospitals and this was the most shocking and sad experience of my life. You know how it is – so you will understand. I then also realized how careless and stupid I had been in the past …… Some relationships and even so-called ‘one-night-stands’ without thinking much about eventual consequencies. Yes, with ‘good’ people or at least to be regarded like that ……. but what did ‘good’ mean and how could I have been really sure? So my mind was made up: No more ‘playing around’….. To be absolutely sure I then made an HIV-Test in Switzerland and I will never forget the waiting for the result not knowing what comes out. It was terrible – since at that time you had to wait still almost 3 months before being absolutely sure. So when Njoroge came again to Zurich and I found out that he had some one-night-stands in Geneva before coming to see me (a girl in the Kenyan Mission told me about it and when I confronted him he did not deny this), I refused to spend the night with him and never had any sex with him afterwards either ……….

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Of course, he was upset and and it seems – according to what my daughter later told me – he has never ‘forgiven’ me for not having ‘trusted’ him ……. But how could I???? So now you know the whole story ……….. Do you realize also how much you mean to me for being able to talk about this? M. Jeff replied immediately:

Honesty is the best policy, Darling …….. no hiding ……. I am just about to finish your book ……. amazing storytelling ……. You capture Kenya like no-one I’ve ever known ……. NICE JOB, my SWEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK On January 24th I wrote very early in the morning:

Good morning …… actually a very early good morning, my Love. I got up at 5 a.m. and started working on the script while listening to some nice music. I love these early hours with everything quiet around me – although of course I could imagine something better to do than to work ……. but I can ‘survive’ until London …..

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Now that you have read my story, you will have realized that I try to preserve all the good memories about the two most important men in my Kenyan life (two up to the moment you entered, of course ….) Besides all the bad things, there are still many good things worth to remember and I prefer to think about these and to forget the rest. Especially regarding Moi I try to separate the man I knew from the President he turned out to be mainly during the last 10 years of his rule. Why I say this? Because you once asked “and what will you say about me – if ……..”! Now you know ……….. Love, M. Jeff wrote the same day, later in the afternoon:

Sorry, Darling …… it was a BUSY day ……. By the way, if you’re up at 4 a.m. your time tomorrow morning or is it 5 a.m. ???????? ….. check out Anderson Cooper …… they have a SPECIAL on ENSLAVEMENT and a story there from Uganda …….. It will SHOCK you to death !!!!!!!!!!! And yes, I can get you a DVD of Darfur …….. for Sassa as well ?????????? Have a lovely evening ……. Kiss Kiss, JK 370

I confirmed to have seen the Report but had the impression that he did not show everything just touching the whole terrible story ……. To this Jeff replied via his BlackBerry:

No, you’re NOT right ……….. I showed everything I could and what the victims told me ……… I’m not afraid to show anything I’m told or anything I see …. it’s the only way to tell the viewers what these poor people go thru …….. Glad you saw it …….. just a glimpse of what we ‘live’ thru and ‘encounter’ in our journey across this beautiful yet desperately violent continent !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK On the following day, Friday, January 26th, he then informed me that he was getting ready to go to Nigeria over the weekend ………

… so let’s chat next week when I’m in Nigeria ……….. I LOVE YOU, my SWISS PRINCESS !!!!!!!!!!!!! JK ***********************

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If my lips claimed yours, Would you kiss me back? If I laid my cheek upon your chest, Would you wrap your arms around me? If I told you that I need you, Would you hear my words? If I told you that I love you, Would you say you love me too? If I asked you if you want me, Would you whisper something touching, Something urgent, Something hot and passionate? Or would you just answer me with a kiss? If my lips claimed yours, Would you kiss me back????????? 372

CHAPTER 30

LAGOS - NIGERIA

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As long as there’s a breath left in your body, ………..there’s hope. As long as mankind has prowled the earth, Miracles have happened restoring life and health. As long as you have a loving heart, God will send much warmth and love to you in return. As long as you’ve been alive, God has been watching over you and answering your prayers. As long as the heaven and stars exist, God will be there for you………

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I am now coming to a very sensitive chapter – Jeff’s

infamous Report on the Nigerian-MEND-Group.

To avoid legal problems – CNN continues denying that this Report was ‘stage-set’ as the Nigerian Government claimed – you will find in this chapter all correspondence which Jeff sent to me regarding this subject exactly as he wrote it …… I think it is not necessary to add any comment since this subject has been discussed in detail already all over the world by various media outlets and even during so-called round-table discussions on television. In this connection, I also wish to refer you to my letter addressed to the CNN-President, Jim Walton, which is published in the Prologue to this book….. ******************** On January 28th , 2007, Jeff wrote:

Good morning from Lagos ………. Flew in yesterday evening ….. and flying out again this morning to the very dangerous ‘Niger Delta’ ….. where rebels have been kidnapped foreign oil workers and demanding ransoms ….. they’ve agreed to take us to the DELTA and show us why they’re fighting …… wish me luck!!!!!! I’m glad Sassa approves …… you see, patience IS the GREATEST virtue ….. that grandchild of yours may just happen sooner than you know …..

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Enjoy your day ….. and I’ll email when I can ….. don’t know when but you know I will when and IF I can …. Kiss Kiss ‘Dream LOVER’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On January 30th:

Niger Delta …….. Just got back from interviewing some VERY scary guys in the Niger Delta …… BIG GUYS and BIG GUNS !!!!!! Scariest thing I’ve ever had to do …… wait till you see the STORY ….. it’ll make you think I’m REALLY CRAZY !!!!! But it had to be done …… just so the KNOW !!!!!!!!!!

WORLD

can

Story goes to AIR sometimes next week …… on DOMESTIC of course ….. so that means you’ll have to watch it at 4 a.m. your time ….. I’ll let you know ….. Other than that, just working on a couple of more stories in Nigeria and probably leave for Joburg by the weekend…. Hang in there, my LOVE …… and STOP being nervous ….. it might AFFECT your PERFORMANCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK

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January 31st:

I wouldn’t know about Lagos night life as I only passed through Lagos on the way to the Niger Delta on Sunday…. I’m now in Abuja working on a couple of stories …. arrived here this evening only to find your mail about ‘performance’ ……….. You must to be TOO sure of yourself as you keep talking about it ………… WHY don’t you stop thinking about it and so something about it on the 20th ??????????????? POLE POLE, my dear …….. don’t STRESS yourself too much ……….. it’s going to be FINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just relax !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK On Saturday, February 3, Femi Oke showed a report Jeff had made earlier about the first black South-African Surfer Champion. At the end of her comments, she said something like: “There was only one thing missing – I would have liked to see Jeff on a surf board – I would even be willing to offer some money to see him doing it – maybe 10 Rand or so …..”. I found this remark funny and told him so. But Jeff did not find it funny at all – here is his reaction - while still being in Nigeria he wrote:

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Honestly, I think it was a STUPID remark …….. she was trying to be FUNNY and it didn’t come across that way ………. and then she mentioned Ten Rand …….. that made it even WORSE ……………. Maybe it’s just me …….. maybe I’m too sensitive …… maybe I just don’t LIKE HER !!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks like a little school girl who gives what’s supposed to be a SERIOUS program a ‘FUCKING JOKE’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But again, maybe that’s just me ………….. I LOVE YOU ……………. JK On February 6th he left Lagos and after having arrived in Joburg he wrote immediately via his BlackBerry:

Just landed in Joburg ……….. and LOVE coming BACK to CIVILIZATION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heading straight to the office !!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk later. JK After the Nigeria Report was shown on the AC-360 program on February 8th he wrote:

Thanks for staying up to watch, my LOVE …… it’s NO DOUBT the craziest thing I’ve ever done …… and sometimes I wonder whether I’m PUSHING THE ENVELOPE too much …………

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I don’t think it’ll play on INSIDE-AFRICA ….. but it’s playing ALL DAY today ………. all the way into the evening…..so try to see it ……… If not, I’ll definitely make a London…..

DVD

and bring it to

What a night …… didn’t sleep until 3 a.m. ….. but as ALWAYS, in the end, it’s WORTH it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk later. JK A few hours later he added:

Still in the OFFICE ……….. EXHAUSTED as the story’s become the BIGGEST thing today ……… I can’t even think straight ………… need to go home and SLEEP !!!!! And someone once said this is a GLAMEROUS JOB !!!!!! JK On Monday, February 13th , cropping up and Jeff wrote:

the problems started

NO REST FOR THE WICKED ……. The weekend was just as hectic as the week ……. As you can imagine, the NIGERIAN Government has come down hard to CONDEMN CNN’s coverage and has written a formal letter of complaint to CNN’s President…….

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I was busy talking with CNN’s lawyers all weekend to ensure them that my story was LEGIT and that I had all the t’s crosses and I’s dotted …… It was in a word STRESSFUL …….. But I guess that’s the price of FAME ……. and I rest assured knowing that we TOUCHED A RAW NERVE inside the Nigerian Government ….. in other words, here’s a SMALL victory for the ‘little’ guy ……….. I need a HOLIDAY …… and can’t wait for LONDON …….. Don’t get too NERVOUS ………. I can sense it in your mail!!!!!!!!!!! JK February 14th was my birthday - Jeff wrote:

First of all, Happy Birthday, my LOVE ……. and you thought I’d forgotten …… Actually I just woke up after another ‘marathon’ of LIVES on CNN, mostly in the US regarding the same Nigeria story…….. See you Tuesday ……. JK On February 19th Jeff wrote:

- hours before leaving for London –

It’s been a HECTIC week and weekend …… we OBVIOUSLY rattled a ‘snakes-pit’ and they’re coming 380

out with all sorts of ACCUSATIONS , trying to ‘kill’ the messenger ….. The good thing is, we COVERED our tracks well and we did everything according to CNN-Standards ………. I leave Johannesburg later tonight and get into London by 9 a.m. Tuesday morning …….. I’ll check into the hotel and try to get some rest so I would say that by 4 p.m. on Tuesday I should be ok …………. give me a call on that London cell phone - (44) 777-553-8696 - and we’ll make a plan to meet. Safe travels and see you in London ………… JK

****************** The rest of the Nigerian Story is history ……… see also my letter to Jim Walton, CNN President and other Officials including Anderson Cooper and Oprah Winfrey dated March 1st. In case you are interested to know more: ‘goggle’ Jeff Koinange and you will find a lot on this subject.

***********************************

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Red rivers flow through our veins, Blending with the blush of love upon our flesh And we’re left trembling and aching, As soft hands slide along subtle curves. And hair falls over naked skin and we yearn for this nearness of being possessed entirely. Craving hungry kisses in the dark That instills divine drunkenness In the flesh and beyond. And we listen to the music of the night, An overture of two beating hearts And a passion that’s greater than the shining stars in this magic we can only create together – And without which we are nothing… 382

CHAPTER 31

LONDON ………………….. FEBRUARY 20TH , 2007

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We all want happiness And dread the thought of rain. When the sun fails to shine, We worry and complain. We forget that God above Is infinitely wise, And sometimes our ails Are blessings in disguise. For if we’re always happy Filled with sunshine and cheer, Our hearts would hold no mercy For others who’ve shed tears. So when trouble comes knocking, Remember to stay strong. Rainbows always follow the storm And dark clouds never stay long. 384

If

only I would have listened to my ‘inner voice’ which clearly told me that I was a fool to believe that this man was honestly in love with me ……… Instead, I believed those others – and that included also my daughter who gave me her reasoning as follows: “ Mami, just enjoy having a young and good lover …. and be happy that it is somebody like Jeff ……. that’s all I ask you ….. and please forget your doubts” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*********************

……..GOOD LOVER ???????????? I even started having doubts about that …………. but trying to put these lingering questions behind me, decided to take the risk ……….

I

But just in case, it turned out to be a ‘disappointment’, I decided to at least make sure that the whole trip was worth it. I called former Scotland Yard Superintendent John Troon (we knew each other since he had led the investigations in the killing of the former Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dr. Robert Ouko, on request of the Kenyan Government and we had kept contact since). We agreed to have dinner on one of these two nights I was planning to stay in London.

385

In order to fix the exact date, I asked Jeff which of these two evenings I should reserve for him and which one for John Troon. Jeff’s reaction was surprisingly angry, almost th aggressive - here is what he replied on February 15 :

Marianne, You should be VERY careful where you’re going with this!!!!!!!! I told you I would make all the arrangements and that I’m the one who invited you to LONDON …….I didn’t invite you to leave you ‘stranded’ so I hope this is the LAST time we’re discussing this…… Your PARANOIA is beginning to ANNOY me and YES I am OFFENDED!!!!!!!!!!!! You should know by NOW that I am a man of my WORD ……. and IF I say let’s MEET in LONDON that’s what I mean …….. Let’s NOT stage!!!!!!!!

get into an

ARGUMENT

at this late

JK When I received this mail, I wanted to cancel the whole trip - but the flight and the hotel were booked and already paid for since it was a birthday present by my daughter ……….. so I decided to take the ‘dive’ ……… If only I had known ……………… ****************** 386

Some people who have read my blog, started to accuse me to be ‘obsessed’ by Jeff ……….. That’s not true ….. but I am obsessed to tell the truth no matter which picture you could get of me in this whole ‘mess’……… I do not intend to paint myself innocent and only him the guilty one – the way I see it, we have been in this together. But the ‘end’ I never did foresee nor did I ever think it could happen this way ……. And that’s why I want others to know who and what Jeff Koinange really is. ‘The REAL JEFF - as he once told me - is NOT the man you see on TV - that’s NOT me - this is just SHOW ….. the REAL ME is totally different …… and I am trying to HIDE that part of me from the public ………..’ So everybody should realize this: There are some very dark sides hidden behind that nice smiling face and the tempting soothing voice ……. ********** I arrived in London on February 20th around midday. When I checked in at the Holiday Inn – Forum Plaza - I had expected to find at least a welcoming message from Jeff – or some flowers and maybe even a bottle of Champagne…… But there was nothing at all and that should have been a first strong warning what to expect …… since it was so 387

much in contrast to what he had promised to me before in all his ‘romantic and loving’ mails how he would conduct and organize our first romantic encounter ………. I still decided to give him a ‘chance’ and left a message in his hotel and on his cell phone telling him that I had arrived……… Finally, Jeff called me back more than 3 hours later, around 4 p.m., announcing that he would be at my Hotel around 6:30 p.m. He proposed that we should meet in the Lobby, take a drink and then go out for dinner, most probably at the Langham. So I dressed up for such an exclusive place – but he came just wearing black trousers and a black sweater (a little bit like the MEND people in his Nigeria Report). I made a remark to this asking if he was really seriously planning to have dinner with me since as you may know, the London Top Restaurants have a quite strict dress-code for the evening. But he assured me that his outfit was ok - ‘why – what’s wrong with what I wear?’ We then talked for about an hour, sitting in the Lobby, sipping a glass of wine (we really both had just one glass each – Jeff red and I white wine) – so alcohol is not an excuse for what has happened later. Although I should have been warned: In the middle of our conversation - mainly about the Nigeria Report, his problems with the CNN Lawyers which were still going on also in London – people we both knew in- and outside Kenya

388

etc. - , he all of the sudden stopped and said “ I want to make love to you ….. now “!!!!! I started laughing and trying to tease him, I said, “ You are crazy. Have you forgotten, we just have a date for dinner ….. that’s it – at least for now.” But he insisted, “But I am ready ….. so let’s do it….. now.” After this he must have realized that I felt quite embarrassed, so he quite reluctantly returned to our former conversation - and I felt again ‘safe’……….. Especially since something quite strange had happened – at least to me: If you have read our former correspondence well, you will have realized that we spoke a lot about a certain ‘chemistry’ between us – an almost sexual attraction. But when I saw him there in London and after having spoken to him for some minutes, I realized that – at least for me – this feeling had totally disappeared like it had never even existed. …….Yes, he was an intelligent man – nice talking to – but nothing else …………. I saw him as a quite insecure young man craving for attention …… not at all the man I had seen on TV and definitely not the man who had written to me all those love letters. To me he was like an ‘empty shell’………….

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Based on this impression, I felt ‘superior’ and in control like I had always been in my life when it came to having a relationship: I decided with whom and when and how …. not only at the start but mainly when and how to finish it ……… But how wrong I should be in this case ……… ************** Since I felt quite ‘overdressed’ compared with his outfit, I told him that I would prefer to go to my room and change into something less fancy. He agreed and asked if he could come up also since he wanted to call his people to see if everything was ok. I told him to give me 15 minutes so I could change before. And then I made a big mistake - I had two passes for my room and gave him one…… still feeling to be in total control of this situation. **************** I was in the bathroom when he entered my room already after 5 minutes and not 15 minutes as I had asked him. Without any warning he opened the sliding doors of my bathroom – pulling me out telling me “Don’t be shy with me”……..

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And then the big shock: he was already naked ….. he then pushed me on the bed and in seconds tried to enter me…… I struggled and asked him several times to stop this but he forced himself into me and that’s when he must have hurt me ….. He held my arms down and started kissing me in a very brutal way - maybe he wanted to stop me from screaming……. He realized the pain in my face since he even made the remark, “Did I hurt you? Do you have pain?” ….. stop.

I started crying and begged him again several times to But he only said, “I can’t - so let me just finish…..” and continued. Every move he made was like a knife was going deeper and deeper in me cutting me apart …… it was horrible. When he finished – yes, he even had an orgasm – he turned around and for abt. 3 minutes he was lying on his stomach next to me without saying one word. I was still crying, shocked and devastated. He then got up and still naked, phone call he originally had come for.

he even made the

I heard him talking and even laughing to somebody for abt. 10 minutes - I later checked the number he had called (020 – 76931670). It was a Cell Phone belonging to Alphonso van Marsh, CNN London.

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After having finished his phone conversation and without even having used the bathroom to clean himself, he got dressed. I then noticed that he did not even wear any underwear – not even socks – just these black trousers, a sweater and a sort of black soft-leather boots. He then turned around to me saying “I am sorry, but I have to go” – and just touching my cheeks – still wet from my tears - with his fingertips, he left. ************ And that was the last I saw or heard from him during the following two days I still stayed in London…… ***************** After he had left, I then saw the blood on my body and on the bed sheets and I had only one thought: to wash away this ‘dirt’ …… Like if I was cleaning my body, I could also clean my mind and maybe even wash away the memory of what had just happened to me. So in spite of still having pain, I took a shower and stayed under the running hot water for more than half an hour ……… ******************

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But now comes another thing: As I said, he had a ‘pass’ to my room and since I discovered after he left that he had taken it with him, I always feared that he could come back maybe even in the middle of the night ……… I almost did not dare to sleep because of this …….. And as it came out later, second night ……….

he had really tried on the

After I already sent the letter to CNN and he started calling me again, he first asked me not to tell my daughter anything since he was still interested to get to know her and then he asked if my daughter liked the DVD’s he had left in my Hotel for her ………… I did not even know what he was talking about - he then told me that he had come to my hotel but the Night Concierge had stopped him since he was not a registered guest of the hotel – so he had left an envelop for me with these 3 DVD’s (one about Darfur, one regarding Somalia and another one called ‘Oprah’s School’). I contacted the Holiday Inn and got the confirmation about this. The Manager apologized for not having given me the envelop when I checked out. They then sent everything to me by DHL. Besides the DVD’s the envelop contained also a handwritten note by Jeff that he came to my hotel at 4:20 a.m. after having had a ‘life’ for Anderson Cooper 360 …. and then also the ‘pass’ to my room ………. which I still have in my files now ……..

***************

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So now you have the ‘whole’ picture. Believe me, it is not easy for me to write about this. But I think I have to. I have made many mistakes – the biggest was to trust him – then the other to give him the ‘pass’ and to allow him to come to my room. But again: I was trusting him ….. and I also felt being experienced enough to control such a situation.

************* Many people have asked me why I did not go to the Police ………. The answer to this is very simple: I felt ashamed ….. I started to blame myself for having been so stupid to trust him. And I am still ‘paying’ for this since I am still undergoing some medical treatments for the injury I sustained …… Still – it seems – I am lucky in one way: the testing for HIV has finally come out negative. But my Doctor – who is also a personal friend – told me that Jeff must have known very well about his HerpesInfection since he believes that this is the reason why he and his wife did not have a child although being married for more than 8 years ….. only since a short while ago, special antibiotics can reduce the reaction of Herpes in the sperm of a man and at least reduce the eventual damage this infection can cause to the child ………….

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And there is another advise my Doctor gave to me: ‘Continue talking about it ……. ‘healing’ includes mind and body – and talking about it and reaching out to other women who have endured the same you did, will help you. And in going through your correspondence with Jeff, it will help you to understand ….. to realize how and why all this happened…… only then, your body – and also your mind – will come to rest …… and if you can help other women to heal too, that’s even better.” ************ I agreed and that’s why I have written this book ……. going on my personal ‘Memory Lane’ ………… ********************** But let’s go back to London and its ‘aftermaths’ ……..

****************

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CHAPTER 32

LONDON ‘AFTERMATHS’……..

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He can calm the troubled waters When you walk in dark despair. There is hope when you feel helpless Knowing that the Lord is there …….. Sharing in your sunshine moments Or in valleys deep and wide, He will never, ever leave you – He is always by your side. There’s no other friend so faithful Through the sunshine and the rain. Through the teardrops and the laughter, In your joy and in your pain. We could never, ever thank Him, For His love He gives so freely, Never changing … never ending… Throughout all eternity……………….. 397

When I had dinner with John Troon and his wife the

following evening at the Royal Military and Naval Club, I decided that it was better not to talk about the evening before. John would have insisted that I should go to the Police and denounce Jeff - and that was something I knew I could not go through at the moment …… I first had to come to terms with myself before being able to talk about this to third parties and therefore did not even tell my daughter anything yet. But John must have realized that something was wrong. During our conversation he told me that he had been very surprised and almost shocked to hear that I was meeting Jeff Koinange. “Don’t you realize that he may have set you up? - He is known to sell his soul for a good story’. - I thought you to be more intelligent to trust such a man.” He then also told me in very strict words that I should have never booked myself into a hotel under my real name since my life – especially when a man like Jeff knows where I am staying – is still in great danger. I had to promise never to do this again and if ever I had to come to London I should call him and he would make the necessary reservations for me.

*****************

398

There was no message or phone call from Jeff during the rest of my stay – a total silence …….. Only when I was just about boarding the plane, my cell phone rang. He knew the schedule of my flight and therefore must have felt ‘safe’ to call me knowing that I was about to leave. I decided not to take his call – he rang three times more – and again when I landed in Malaga 3 hours later…….. And there in the comfort of my apartment, I finally had the courage to call my daughter and to tell her everything. ************** The following day, February 23rd, I then wrote to Jeff:

I was really tired and every exhausted – so I decided not to take your yesterday’s phone calls. You also did not consider that we are here one hour in advance and I had gone to sleep already to bed and just started to sleep (finally after two nights without sleep in London). My only worry now is my health status and then how to carry on trying to forget the whole ‘episode’ Jeff Koinange. One way would be to publish all our correspondence from day one in the Internet – title: “Jeff Koinange – the real man behind the scenes – a warning to all my Sisters out there!!!!!!!!” M.

399

To this he replied immediately via his BlackBerry:

I’m asking you as a friend and as a confidante, please do not do that !!!!!!! PLEASE !!!!!!!!! You will ruin both you and me forever …. think about it and let’s talk when I’m back in Joburg ….. I’m leaving now !!!!!!!

A few minutes later he added again via his BlackBerry:

I wish you knew what I went through the last two days….. As for your ‘health’, I can assure you that you are ALRIGHT …… in fact I can PROMISE you that …… as you know I would NEVER put you in any danger ….. I told you that once before …… and I am a man of my word. As for publishing my mails, if you, Marianne, want to be the woman who will DESTROY the reputation I’ve worked so hard to build, to DESTROY the trust I put in you to write from the heart, that will really break my heart. Take care and please don’t worry about your health …. you’re a strong and very healthy woman. JK Do you realize that there is no word of regret, no explanation nor apology in this mail …???? 400

So I replied:

From next week onwards you can read about you and me on my blog – “Jeff Koinange – the real man behind the scenes – a warning to all my Sisters – and Brothers – not to fall into his trap like I did ……” The blog will be sent to all TV- and Newspaper-outlets including some friends in Africa. I am sorry – but you and your behavior with me – and I am sure with other women and also with men – has forced me to do this. You have damaged not only my body but also my pride and I am not willing to accept this. M.B. And again his immediate reply via his BlackBerry:

If that’s how you feel, then all I can say is SORRY from the bottom of my heart and I hope you can find it in your compassionate heart to forgive me and give me ONE more chance to make it up to you …….. I at least deserve that ….. one chance ….. if I FUCK-UP then you can do whatever you want !!!!!!!!!!!! To this I replied:

Which chance? What do you think you can correct? Being a lover as you promised to be? Being a man who cares as you said you do? Being somebody I could trust completely as you begged me I should?

401

Who is the real Jeff Koinange? In my memory it is the man who forced himself on me and then left me there in that hotel room – having seen and realized that I had pain – who left without looking back. Only now – when you fear I could talk – you come out of hiding and beg me to forgive you. So give me one reason why I should. You have and you never had any feelings for me – all these sweet words were just empty promises given under false presumptions. So again my question: how do you think you could ever make up to this? And how and why should I ever trust you again? He then also called – already being at the Airport to board the plane to Johannesburg. When I answered his call, I immediately realized that this had been a mistake because the only reason why he called was to ask me NOT to tell my daughter anything ……. *************** After this I had another sleepless night and the following day, Saturday February 24th, I then wrote to him:

The image of a face …….. After you had left me alone in the hotel and after having taken a long shower trying to ‘clean’ myself, I tried to 402

sleep – but one face appeared again and again in front of me: The sad face of the beautiful girl of your Congo-Report on the Raped Women. The empty and sad expression on her face – and this is haunting me since then. It is exactly how I felt during these days when you left me alone after what you had done to me ….. and not even tried to call to find out how I felt. And to think that you received your honors and awards exactly for these Reports on mistreated women – what a joke …. and how sad just to think about this. How these women believed in you – trusting you with their sad stories – and the world seeing in you a sensitive and compassionate journalist ……. How wrong we all have been because the reality and my experience with you has proved all this false. But as you wrote to me once: “This is all just a show – this is not the real me.” I did not understand then what this meant. Now I know. And then the biggest joke of all: Even in this moment you still think you could have a relationship with my daughter and asking me not to tell her anything what has happened in London because you are still interested in getting to know her (and having a child with her …….) You must be really crazy just to think that I would ever introduce my daughter to you after what has happened to me. And now you even ask me to ‘forgive’ you – to allow you a second chance – that you deserve this at least …..

403

You had all the chances in the world – but you have lost each one of them. And I am also of the opinion that you have not only lost your humanity, but you must have sold your soul to the devil (maybe to a devil like Biwott?????). M.

*************************

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CHAPTER 33

JEFF KOINANGE – THE FATHER TO BE …..

405

Trouble arrives in measures and we stack it up real high, Until we’re convinced, we have no reason to try. If you feel defeated, you’re absolutely wrong, For if you follow your dream, You could never lose for long. Ignore the minor set-backs that pile up and trouble you, Or you will build a mountain, Out of the stones hurled at you. The future holds great promise, your destiny unknown, But God is always helping, and you’re never alone. Soar bravely toward your goal, let nothing darken the way. You can change your tomorrow, if you seek your dream today. 406

You will for sure have realized that up to now the fact that Jeff’s wife Shaila was expecting their first child, has never been mentioned. The reason for this is quite obvious: Jeff never spoke about it – neither before nor in London. On the contrary - also during our conversation in the Lobby - he still asked a lot of questions about my daughter and was still a bit disappointed that she had not joined me. He even proposed again that I should come together with her as soon as possible to South Africa ………. “I want to give you that grandchild …… and it should grow up in ‘our’ Kenya…….”. And even afterwards, his only worry was that I should not tell my daughter anything since he still hoped to have a relationship with her …………. You will agree that is showing a more than crazy mind………. ******************

How I finally got to know that his wife was pregnant (14 week – so for quite a while already) ? ……… th

Just read the following: After having gone back to Joburg, Jeff wrote on Monday, February 26th, early in the morning:

407

Robbery !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the ‘silence’ …….. I got involved in an armed robbery incident after I landed in Johannesburg, Saturday. If you don’t believe me, you can GOOGLE it. I’m trying to get my life back in order ….. credit cards, passport, drivers license, ids, etc. etc. I’ll talk to you when I can. JK I did as he had suggested and found the article talking about this. It said that the award-winning CNN Africa correspondent Jeff Koinange and his pregnant wife were robbed at gunpoint at the News-Broadcaster’s Johannesburg office yesterday. Four armed robbers attacked Koinange and his wife, Shaila, both 41, when they stopped in front of the CNN office in Auckland Park at 7:45 a.m. They stole the couple’s cell phones, wallets, family pictures, two suitcases, two laptops and a new camera. A few hours later Koinange was LIVE on CNN, telling the world about his horrific welcome. Shaila had just fetched Koinange from OR Tambo International Airport. The two went to drop off his equipment at the office.

408

As he got out of his car, a gun was held to his head. A second robber walked over to the passenger side of the couple’s car and pointed a gun at Shaila’s belly. “She’s 14 weeks pregnant. It shows a little bit but I don’t know if they knew. But that really freaked me out. It was the first thing on my mind. The baby will be our firstborn,” said Koinange……………. ******************* I had to read this minimum 10-times to really believe what it meant !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why had he hidden this from me? And even now in his mail talking about the robbery, just mentions himself ‘ I got involved ……. I’m trying to get my life back in order ‘ -----I !!!!!!! I !!!!!!!!!! Not once the word ‘we’ !!!!!!!!!!! **************** It took me two days to ‘cool down’ – then on Wednesday, February 28th, I wrote:

I still cannot believe this !!!!!!!!!! You should have been the happiest man in the world knowing that - finally - your wife is pregnant. And you should have told me - since as you said many times before, this was the only ‘gap’ in your life to really make you a happy man. 409

So why did you not say anything to me and instead continued talking about needing a ‘heir’ and wanting my daughter???????? At least in London you should have told me and not continue talking about Sassa and you ………. Why ??????? How does your wife feel about all this ????? Does she know that you planned to have a child with my daughter - just in case ??????? It makes me really sad just to think about it ……. and it makes me furious at the same time …… I do not think you should get away with all this so easily. Life has given you a lesson with that robbery - but maybe you need a little more than that to realize that you cannot play with the feelings of other people as you did with mine - and I am sure with others before me. I wonder if and what you reply to this - or if you prefer to go ‘underground’ because you do not know what to say for your defense ………. M.B. If I had expected a compassionate reply of a loving husband and father-to-be, Jeff proved me once again wrong. Instead of giving a decent explanation, he choose to attack me and wrote on Thursday, March 1st:

Two can ‘play’ the game ……….

410

To BLACKMAIL me will NOT work, Marianne …… and besides, it’s the LAST thing you want to do because you stand to LOSE as much as I do…….. For one, I have a ‘lovely’ NAKED photo of you on a beach which about a DOZEN newspapers (from Kenya to New York) would be more than interested in getting their hands on ……… Especially if the CAPTION under it reads, ‘Moi’s Former Mistress’ ….. and underneath that ‘Moi shared her with others, like Harry Bellafonte, Julio Iglesias, Sal Davis and many more’ ……. all mentioned in your past emails ….. (I wonder what Bellafonte would think of your email describing the Menage-a-Trois you, he and Sal had all those years ago?????????? I’m sure, he’d be VERY embarrassed …….. and NOT amused !!!!!!!!!!!!! And think of the EMBARRASSMENT it would bring to your family …….. unless of course you don’t give a DAMN about them …………. And don’t forget, I have the addresses you gave me to send copies of my book ……. And the one you wrote on the FEDEX invoice when you sent me your photo …… I wonder if a certain Mr. NICK BOIT (Nicholas Biwott) would be interested in that ?????????????????? Are you prepared to ‘ MOVE ‘ again ??????????? The BOTTOM LINE, don’t even think of BLACKMAILING ME ………. it won’t WORK ………… If you want to ‘behave’ like an adult and continue talking, I am prepared to do so ………….

411

Let’s ‘settle’ this like reasonable HUMAN BEINGS …….. and move on ………….

I was very upset by his mail – it was the last I had expected him to write. But deciding ‘to play cool’ I replied:

I was not blackmailing you - I was just putting things right - but you have decided not only to blackmail but also to threaten me – exactly in the way John Troon had warned me you would ……… I did not want to believe him …… but now I have to. But like in the past - I am not scared – not by you and not by Biwott or anybody else. You should know this by now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M. **************** But then I decided I had to fight back and I wrote the letter to Jim Walton (you can read the full content in the Prologue) ……….. But I did not stop here……. I had the impression that Jeff needed more than that so I also passed the information of the whole sad story to Kumekucha – a well-known Kenyan blog -

412

And on March 5th, they published everything under the title ‘ Top Kenyan Journalist in Date Rape Incident ‘ ---------

*******************

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CHAPTER 34

“DON’T GIVE UP ON ME ……”

414

God’s Perfection ……….. God made the mountains, kiss the clouds that we may look up beyond our own small world and strive to reach great heights. He made the ocean wide and mighty To remind us of the greatness of his love And the power of his strength. He frosts the earth with diamonds in the winter To reveal the riches that await us in heaven, And he awakens the earth with a profusion of lilacs And daffodils in the spring to show us That we’ve been given the gift of eternal life. He has created masterpieces, and every one of them are part of the circle of life and serve some great purpose. From the forests, to the valleys, across the dales, And even to the most distant twinkling star, And the early morning mist that creeps over the hills, 415

God has blessed the earth with his talented hand. So do you think that God could have Erred when he made you? Of course he didn’t …………….. You’re perfect, exactly what God intended you to be. As the earth is reborn this spring, Remember that you’re one of God’s great masterpieces, A testament to his infinite wisdom and perfection.

416

Although having written my letter to the CNN-Officials on March 1, I decided to start a ‘campaign’ to try to save Jeff’s ‘soul’..…………..to give him a last chance ………….in accordance with something he wrote to me after he knew that his Bosses had received my letter: “You have brought me to my senses ……. please never give up on me ……..” ****************** So on March 3, I wrote to him:

Human ……..and compassionate…. Why don’t you ask me “please forgive me for the sake of my wife and our unborn child? ……” Why don’t you still find a word about them ? Why didn’t you tell me about this in London? Why did you insist to have a relationship with my daughter knowing that your wife is already pregnant? Dou you really care about her and your unborn child? These are the questions still bothering me - besides the threats issued against me in telling me that you give my and my daughter’s details to Biwott asking me if I am prepared to ‘move’ again. I am listening to Joshua’s song “You are my peace of mind in this crazy world” which you dedicated to ‘us’ while I am writing this and hope to God that you come to your senses……..

417

If not for yourself than do it for your future child ………. M. To this he replied immediately:

I am SORRY ……….I don’t want to FIGHT you ….. PLEASE don’t make this any harder than it is …….. Let’s talk and see how we can RESOLVE this ……. Talk to me……..

He then started bombarding me with phone calls ………. but I decided not to go into any verbal discussion with him. In making my point even more clear, I then wrote – still on March 5th:

I have asked you several times ‘just tell me for the sake of my wife and my unborn child’ …… but you did not listen and threatened me instead and not only me but also to disclose the address of my daughter and that’s what has made me decide to go into the open. I am tired of living in fear - I am tired to have to ‘dream’ what could happen to me and her - so why don’t you understand this? I loved you and I cared for you - and I believed that you felt the same - but it seems I was wrong.

418

So whatever you have to tell me do it in writing - Sassa told me that I should make you responsible for my security - and therefore if something would happen to me or her - you will be made guilty. But one question still lingers: Why did we have to come this far - why ???????? I have offered you not only one chance to settle this in peace - I offered you many chances. But obviously offers!!!!!!!!

you did not even think to accept my

Even if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your wife and your child …………… I am so happy to hear that finally you are becoming a father - something you always wanted to be !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am human - I am compassionate ………….. Just be the same …… but not only in words………. I want to get your personal confirmation about this. M. To this Jeff replied on March 5th.:

Please don’t doubt me now ……….. you have shaken me to my SENSES …… I WILL make that INTERVIEW happen ….. and you should be ready for it sometime around May/June when ODM has their elections and the opposition candidate is 419

known ….. then INSIDE-AFRICA will do a ‘KENYA SPECIAL’ and that is the BEST time to get your BOOK out there ……. that is how I see it happening ….. and I will PROPOSE this to the folks at INSIDE-AFRICA and I know they will like this idea ……… I know you have your doubts …….. and understandibly …….. but PLEASE let’s work it out this way ………. OK ??????? JK I replied:

Could you get the people in Inside-Africa to write to me confirming this? And would you please do me the favor to write to Sassa - just tell her that you feel really sorry without going into details because that would unnecessarily embarrass her…. M. Jeff:

Yes indeed …… on both counts …….. Thanks. JK _____________________________________________

420

I replied:

I will wait to get the confirmation. For now – sleep well – and dream well – you have a lot to dream about ………… M. -------------And Jeff:

You too ……………. JK ____________________________________________ Later the same day I wrote:

Just counting ………. When I learned that your wife is pregnant - 14th week - I counted backwards and I came up with an amazing result: You remember that we took a ‘break’ around the middle of November when I went to Madrid first and then to Zurich for one week ……… The first contact after this was on December 2 when you told me that “you had recharged your batteries and were ready to roll again…….” So I am glad we took that ‘break’ ---- with the best result possible ……… But tell me: How did and how do you feel ???????????? Are you not excited ????????????? 421

It made me remember the time I knew I was pregnant with Sassa and how happy I was and how happy Frederik was when Sassa was born - after his two sons from his former marriage he finally had a daughter !!!!!!! If you feel like sharing this with me, you would make me very happy - so don’t feel shy and tell me !!!!!!!!! M. And like a ‘release’ of being able to leave the subject of what he did to me in London behind himself, Jeff replied to me immediately:

I feel like I’m about to be RE-BORN …… whatever it is (Boy or Girl) …. I’m hoping it will make my mother FINALLY talk to my WIFE ……… they haven’t spoken in years ……. Maybe that’s why I’m so NERVOUS …….. I always wanted this and always thought this would UNITE our family ………. And IF it doesn’t ……… then I don’t know what I’ll do….. My sisters both have a son and a daughter each and my brother has a whole bunch of BOYS …… But my mother (in true Kikuyu fashion) has never been ‘re-named’ …….. so maybe IF it’s a girl, then she can finally be ‘re-born’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it’s a boy, well and GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Does any of this make sense ???????????????? JK

422

I realized how desperate he must have felt to write something so intimate like that - and replied:

Funny, but I already thought something like that - I know you Kikuyu’s and I know how they feel about the Asian Kenyans - Njoroge always told me that he only trusts them for handling his business - they are the best - calling them ‘the Shah’s and Patels’ ……. but on a social level they have been ‘outcast’ ………… I feel sorry for your wife - she must have felt awful all these years ……. Don’t feel nervous – be happy – it’s your and her child – and not the child you have to ‘give’ to your family. They – and that includes your mother – should be happy for you. You (and your wife) are the only ones counting ….. just be happy and give all your love to your wife - don’t make her feel nervous - be there for her with a nice and assuring smile ….. and all your love. Promise me that ……. M. To this Jeff replied instantly:

I promise …….. and THANKS understanding !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for listening and

JK

423

**************** After this Jeff called several times asking me to send another letter to his Bosses informing them that we were trying to find a solution for our ‘problems’ after he had apologized to me for London ……. I told him I could consider to do this – but under certain conditions. One was a special idea of ‘punishment’ : CNN Inside-Africa had shown a report about Gail Thompson, a woman running a Orphans-Home in Johannesburg and was also supporting young women who had been raped….. I asked Jeff to get into contact with her and to take over the ‘patronage’ of three of these girls …. i.e. paying for their living costs, school feels, medical care etc. My idea was to make him realize how women feel after such an ordeal – so my proposal also included spending time with them and not just paying …… Much to my surprise he immediately accepted my condition and promised to go to see Gail the following Saturday when he was coming back from Ghana. He then passed also her email-address to me enabling me to have direct contacts with her. I wrote to her and announced that Jeff would get into contact with her and for which reason without telling her the background of all this. It was then Jeff’s idea to also include the interview regarding my book The Shining Star in this ‘deal’. Although I did not feel very comfortable about this point since it could give the wrong impression that this was the only thing I was ever interested in, he insisted that we should also consider this. He would talk with the people of Inside-Africa whereas the patronage of the girls would be kept as his private matter. 424

I agreed but decided to make my point about this interview clear and wrote on Tuesday March 6th:

Can we agree that this interview wherever it may take place is done by you and not by somebody else? You are the only one who knows me and all the background of my story and I do not want to meet some strangers. I am sure you will do an excellent job and this will enhance the importance of the whole matter also with regard to the forthcoming elections in Kenya. We should talk about this and how important it is to solve the Oukocase. If this interview takes place in London, we should maybe also invite Troon to give his comments (like he repeated again to me now: there is enough evidence to implicate not only Biwott but also Moi). This would be very important since exactly these two men are controlling the political life in Kenya as you know…….. If you agree, I will include this in my letter to your Bosses – so please let me know urgently what you think. Maybe you could even call me again tonight – or let’s exchange mails like yesterday to come to a mutual agreement. I will then set up the letter to CNN and before sending I want you to read it and agree – or suggest changes – you decide. Fair Deal ??????????????? And most important – let’s forget once and for all that ‘incident’ in London – both of us.

425

When we see each other again, it should be as friends who have a lot in common - and friends we always shall be. And whenever you feel lonely – somewhere in Africa – or need to talk, please do – I will be here listening!!!!!!!!! M.

************************** You will agree that I tried my best to reach out to him to offer him a ‘golden bridge’ ……. But did he really understand that this was his last chance to ‘save’ himself …………?????????????? I started having doubts ………….. to me he seemed like a spoilt child which was used to always getting what it wanted …… and not like a grown-up man willing and able to take over responsibility ……………….

***************************

Jeff had gone during these days to Ghana reporting on their 50th Independence Day ……. and did not reply to my mail. I got nervous about his silence – and this feeling was then even increased by a comment my daughter made regarding him which I then passed also to Jeff:

426

Sassa called me and verbally told me: “Mami, Jeff is just trying to save his ass……don’t ever trust him again ….. promise me!!!!!!!! He has proved not to be a man any woman should ever trust ………. you should never forgive him …… he only tries to exploit your – maybe – still existing feelings for him for his own reasons ….he gives a ‘shit’ about you – that’s the reality and please accept this …….. if not, you are only cheating yourself!!!! This damming message from my daughter finally made him react and he also gave the reasons for his silence:

Your Blog is causing all kinds of ripple-effects around the world and I’m starting to get phone calls from all over the place asking about the ‘Date Rape’ ……… I know you’ve responded but the damage has been done. I don’t know what to say. Let’s talk when you get a chance. I’m back in Joburg now. JK You will realize that he never ever denied anything nor did he ever comment the letter I had written to all the CNN Officials. Only once he referred to it when he told me that he understood why I had to do it ……..

427

But he never said that the content of the letter was not true – and this referred also to the details about the Nigeria Report. On March 8th he then wrote to me:

I have been ‘reprimanded’ by CNN from emailing anything other than the ‘basics’ ……. it’s causing them great concern. Is there a number I can call you on? I was staying with friends in Madrid when I read his mail and understood that we had to do something if we really wanted to ‘save’ the situation. I wrote:

Solution Mail …….. Please confirm that you are available to talk on Monday – because if not, I prefer to continue some more days in Madrid. I am only going back if we have a chance to talk and find a solution – If Monday is not suitable for you, tell me which day ……. enabling me to make the necessary arrangements. M. To this he replied:

Monday is good ………. I’ll call you in the morning. Thanks for doing this. JK 428

I wrote the following day, March 9th:

I have decided to fly back to Malaga already this morning – just in case you want to talk to me – either by phone or on the computer – I will be back in my apartment around 2 p.m. I want us to find a solution !!!!!!!!!! I want to see you becoming a really happy husband and father !!!!!!!!!! And I want to be able to continue ‘enjoying’ your excellent reports on CNN !!!!!!!!!! M. He replied instantly:

GREAT ……… call you later today. JK We then had a long and serious discussion on the phone and agreed at the end on the text of a letter I proposed to send again to all the CNN Officials who had received the first one of March 1 – including copies to Anderson Cooper and Oprah Winfrey. As you will see, he did not ask me to take back any of the accusations contained in the first letter - he only wanted them to know that we had come to an agreement.

429

Here is the text of the letter I wrote to Jim Walton (President CNN) with copy to Chris Cramer (Vice-President and Managing Director CNN International) on March 9th:

Dear Mr. Walton, I herewith wish to confirm that I have accepted Mr. Koinange’s explanations and apologies regarding the London ‘Incident’. Mr. Koinange is an excellent Journalist and I think CNN (and the world) needs somebody like him. Sincerely, Marianne Briner Since I had told Jeff once that my daughter had paid for my London trip since she had insisted that it should be my birthday present, he then proposed to refund her the money – that this was his part of ‘compensation’ besides taking over the patronage of the girls……. I spoke with my daughter who did not like the idea but since he continued insisting, agreed with him on the amount (2.000.-- $) - and informed Jeff about this when I sent him the copy of my letter to Jim Walton:

Attached is the mail I have sent to CNN. I hope, you agree. Give my regards to Gail when you go to see her tomorrow. Sassa will send you her banking details. I spoke with her a few minutes ago.

430

Keep your promises – that’s part of our ‘deal’ and also part of our ‘therapy’ – and I sincerely hope it will work ….. and you become a better man !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marianne The following day, Saturday, March 10th, Jeff wrote:

I will call you right before the Inside-Africa program …… I’m off to see Gail now ………………. will call you as promised !!!!!!! He then called and confirmed that he had gone to see Gail – at the end he thanked me for having written the letter to his Bosses. The following Monday he called again and told me that he had been out of town doing some very tiring ‘shooting’ I replied that he should go home and spend some time with his wife …….. he promised to following my advise and laughing he said ‘ Yes, Mummy Dearest ……..’. On Tuesday, March 13th, he then wrote:

I took your advice last night and went HOME …… Off to another story today …… As for the ‘Girls’, I’m looking at ones that haven’t been ‘filmed’ ……. most have ‘sponsors’ ….. a few are relative ‘newcomers’ and don’t have a sponsor …… looking at two of those ……. will keep you posted. Have a GREAT day ………. JK 431

Although I started becoming annoyed when I realized that he was already going down to sponsoring only two instead of the formerly agreed three girls, I tried to stay calm and replied:

Agreed – but let’s think about girls like the ones ‘filmed’ – And I also like that you take my advise regarding spending more time at home - just relax and make sure that your wife feels the same – she needs this and you will feel better too ……. Believe me – I want you to be happy – that’s all I ever wanted ……. M.

****************************

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CHAPTER 35

FEELING ‘SAFE’ ………..

433

Don’t quit when the tide is lowest, It’s just about to turn; Don’t quit over doubts and questions, There is something you may learn. Don’t quit when the night is darkest, For it’s just a while ‘til dawn. Don’t quit when you’ve run the farthest, For the race is almost won. Don’t quit when the hill is steepest, For your goal is almost nigh. Don’t’ quit for you’re not a failure Until you fail to try ……………. 434

…….Going back to

‘old’ times ……….

After I had written the letter to his Bosses and he had refunded my daughter the money she had spent for my London-Trip and especially after he had gone to see the ‘girls’ and had spoken with the Director, Gail Thompson, he felt ‘safe’ …………… and the ‘old’ Jeff Koinange immediately surfaced again. There were numerous phone calls and even addressing me again as ‘my Love’ ……. to which I replied if he said that word once more, I would not even take his calls anymore. But he just laughed off my protests in saying “But it comes so natural for me to call you like that …..” ************ Especially after I had told him that I was spending some days with an old friend of mine (who is a very famous Singer), things became again more and more ‘familiar’……… Jeff had heard her voice once in the background when he called me, I had then sent him one of her DVD’s …. After having received the DVD he wrote on March 15th:

Pal is simply FANTASTIC ….. what a voice, performance, what a WOMAN !!!!!!!!!! Very nice ……. I like GRANDE Number 3 - TROUBLE ……..

what a

a lot ……… and also

She’s very talented and very very beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!

435

Thanks for sharing this with me. JK And then shortly after he added:

Just watched her for a second time and ‘SOY’ is MAGNIFIQUE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _______________________________________________ It was obvious that the was surfacing again……..

‘womanizer’

Jeff Koinange

I also realized that he needed that and gave up to ever be able to ‘change’ him and therefore admit herewith that I ‘nicely contributed’ ……………………… So I have to take at least part of the ‘blame’, and herewith admit that I did ‘lead him on’ …….. **************** On Thursday, March 15th, I wrote:

I just came back and found your mails. You see, we even share the same taste when it comes to beautiful women - but in her case it is more than that, she is beautiful and a wonderful woman. She has a daughter around the same age like Sassa (she was never married) - only she is already a grandmother whereas I am still waiting and hoping ………….. 436

‘Soy’ is beautiful and tells a lot about herself. The other very personal one is ‘Mi passion’ and ‘Grande’. …………. I am glad, you are happy ……………. M. As I said before, I was together with my friends during that time and since they all had become interested to get to ‘ know this man - Jeff Koinange’ I had proposed to them to see Inside-Africa especially after it was announced that there was a ‘new’ report on Nigeria………. So I wrote to Jeff on March 17th:

Inside-Africa – urgent question …… We just saw the announcement in CNN regarding today’s Inside-Africa. Since neither today or tomorrow we have to see it, could you please tell me if it is worth taping it??????? What about the music part – could P. be interested since she does not know that much about African music? Since you like ‘hers’ – would she like also ‘yours’ ????? Curious questions………….. ‘typical’ women …….. I hope you see this message before Sunday latest since Inside-Africa is repeated then at 3 p.m. our time …… M.

437

Jeff reacted instantly:

Definitely WORTH WATCHING …… and TAPING !!!!!!!!!! Enjoy…………. JK Later in the evening of Sunday, March 18th I wrote:

We missed you ……………. Since CNN changed the times, we missed the Nigerian ‘Show’ ……… But I took the Darfur - DVD with me……… Curious to know the comments ??????????????????? Regards, M. And here is Jeff’s immediate reaction:

Oh, you MISSED a GOOD show ………….. At least, I think it was a GOOD show …………. And the text messages I got from Nigerians was that it was GOOD and FAIR!!!!!!!!! And of course, I’m ALWAYS curious to know the comments on the Darfur SHOW ……….. Talk to me ……… JK 438

Later on March 19th, I wrote to Jeff:

I just saw it on the CNN-Video-Recording. Well done …….. but I have my doubts if this was not done ‘on request’ to settle the problems between CNN, you and the Nigerians ……… But you ‘saved your face’ in reporting also about the problems in the Niger Delta…….. So at the end, everybody must have been satisfied ……… Regarding ‘women-to-women’ comments (and not only by Pal but also by some of her friends): - Interesting man - but too dangerous …….

- Somebody to watch - but not to touch. He is too smart and used to women’s admiration – but at the end he is the only one having had ‘his fun’ and walking away to find another ‘adventure’ ………. - If I would look for a ‘one-night-stand’ only, he would

definitely be the one ………….

- Would be nice to meet him in person and to find out

what is behind this nice smiling face ……….

These are just remarks - I am leaving out the more intimate ones ………… I am sure you are not interesting in these !!!!!!!!!!!! Disappointed ??????????????????? M. _______________________________________________

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No - he did not disappoint me at all ……… What else would I have expected anyway ……of course, the ‘womanizer’ Jeff Koinange took the challenge and replied immediately:

Ha Ha Ha …………. NOT disappointed at all ………… BRING in ALL the comments …………… Your FRIENDS are just like you ……… BRUTALLY HONEST ………… and TRUTHFUL !!!!!!!!!!!

***********

After having read this mail together with my friends, we started laughing and decided that ‘ we better give up on changing this man called Jeff Koinange …….’ So I sat down to write to him the same day, Monday March 19th.:

I see, you have a boring Monday morning and need some ‘good’ news making you smile So here it is: I had with me some of the ‘nice’ mails you had sent to me last year and we started reading them while watching you (having stopped the transmission just looking at your face).

440

There was the description of your ‘dreamless’ night in September talking about having dinner and then going to the room, undressing me and kissing me all over ….. There was the remark how you want to make love to me in the swimming-pool ……. There was the mail regarding kissing and penetrating me with your tongue …………. And here we had to stop - ………………….. P……… and all her friends were just looking at me …… ……..nice and decent Spanish Ladies ……. members of the Spanish Aristocratic Society to which also my daughter now belongs after she got married to a direct Cousin of the Spanish Crown-Prince .... …………and after some minutes of silence came question:

the

………………..where and when can we meet this man ?????????????????????? That should make your day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now go back to do some serious working !!!!!!!!!!!!! But smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M.

___________________________________________

After having spoken about my mail to Jeff with my friends, I then added:

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I forgot to mention that I also read to them the ‘elephant’ and the ‘mass destruction’ mail ………….. …….. and that was the end of it ………… they just had their mouth open and could not believe it. But obviously their fantasy started racing ……….. and they asked ‘when are you introduce him - we hope we will meet him if ever he comes to Spain,,,,,,,’ So my advise to you: Stay away from Spain……. it could become a really dangerous place for you !!!!!!!!!!!!! M. But if I had thought to have ‘scared’ him, I was totally wrong ……… Jeff got only ‘challenged’ and replied instantly: Ha Ha Ha …………….. You’ve just MADE MY DAY !!!!!!!!! I’m COMING TO SPAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK In realizing that I had made a ‘mistake’ – but admitting that I also still enjoyed teasing him, I replied:

Don’t even think about it since you would endanger the whole Spanish Society !!!!!!!!!!!!!! But just think how you have brought alive the fantasy of my friends ………

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I only felt sorry for their husbands (and/or lovers) since I am sure they had to ‘suffer’ some of these fantasies later……. M. ****************

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CHAPTER 36

STILL ON THE ‘SALVATION TRIP’…….

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Never Alone …… He can calm the troubled waters When you walk in dark despair. There is hope when you feel helpless Knowing that the Lord is there …. Sharing in your sunshine moments Or in valleys, deep and wide, He will never, ever leave you – He is always by your side. There’s no other friend so faithful Through the sunshine and the rain, Through the teardrops and the laughter, In your joy and in your pain. We could never, ever thank Him For His love He gives so free, Never changing …… never ending Throughout all eternity.

445

I realized that Jeff had become again bored just sitting

around in Johannesburg - even the news about his future child had lost its attraction. When I asked him once on the phone, how his wife was feeling, his short reply was “ She is fine – just hanging on” and that’s the only comment he ever made regarding her. And when he started calling me again several times per day – not writing that much because of being ‘reprimanded’ from emailing only ‘basics’ - I had to do something before this was again finishing out of control. After I had seen a report in the German Television about the situation in Zimbabwe and all the people fleeing the country ending up somewhere at the Zimbabwe-South African border, I thought that could be the solution. Especially since CNN had also made comments about this and Jeff had spoken with a Zimbabwe Cleric who had fled the country. But this interview was done in Johannesburg and did not show the situation of these refugees. So when he called and started with his new ‘pet’ subject ‘coming to Spain’, I told him to think about doing some serious work instead and if this was not also a good story for him. I then also wrote to him about this on March 20th:

I have seen the comments on CNN about Zimbabwe – good – but they (you) should also talk about the real life - i.e. the people - like the Germans reported about the thousands who try to escape and even take the risk to loose their lives - just to escape the political turmoil and starvation ……. 446

Go into this – this is and always was your strong point: to show the suffering of the people and especially of the women and children. Do it - please !!!!!!!!!!!! Only like that you will attract the world’s attention - do it for the people of Zimbabwe to finally help to finish this madness of another ‘Old Man’ …….. Have met people who had to flee Zimbabwe here in Spain - they are actually living in the same compound like I do - they are ‘Whites’ but still in their heart they are ‘Africans’ – Zimbabwe was their country of birth, their home and still is ……. So - please - follow my advise – at least as much as you can!!!!!!!!! M. Jeff took the ‘challenge’ immediately and replied the following day:

Good advice ………. Will do ………. Thanks for the ADVICE …… very GOOD!!!! I’m off to the Zimbabwe border ….. we’re NOT allowed INSIDE but we’ll get as far as we can. Talk later …….. have a GREAT day!!!!!!!!!!! JK

447

Happy that we had again found a subject of ‘mutual understanding’ and diverted the attention from personal matters, I first wrote:

I had the feeling that you were getting bored in Johannesburg …… so my idea to ‘send’ you to the Zimbabwe border was also keeping that in mind ……. When you told me again today ‘Now I am really coming to Spain’ ….. you really scared me ….. So in keeping you busy ‘INSIDE AFRICA’ , I am avoiding more ‘complications’ here. Have a GREAT DAY too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M. On a more serious note, day:

I then added the following

I am glad that you are going to make the report ….. I know you are clever but maybe sometimes you need a little ‘push’ ?????????????? Seriously – report on the situation of these people trying to flee Zimbabwe and then get caught by the SA Police putting them into some camps and then sending them back. The Germans were showing these ‘camps’ – actually they are just some tents with men and women divided from each other even if married – some sleep on the floor – they get some food and water but not regularly as some of them confirmed, i.e. if caught on a Friday, they stay without food the whole weekend before being sent back on Monday.

448

There is no real supply or organization because South Africa does not recognize them as refugees. The Germans also touched the sensible subject of Mbeki’s close relationship with Mugabe because he gave him asylum in Zimbabwe during the Apartheid times and so he does not want to ‘hurt’ the Old Man ……. Up to now you and CNN have concentrated on the political part - show also the human one - this is putting pressure to finally do something - at least SA accepting these people as refugees and giving them some humanitarian treatment ….. at the moment they are treated like ‘merchandise’ ……… Do your best, my friend ……… work……. and I will follow the ‘result’ on TV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M.

nd

After I had seen his first reports,

I wrote on March

22 :

I just saw a new transmission (1 p.m. my time) - but slowly you seem to become tired (maybe I am also wrong) although you are still concentrated and very well informed ……. And if nobody else does: I am congratulating myself for having had the idea to ‘send’ you to this place ….. and get the world’s attention ….. again …… You can smile now – but I still take the credit!!!!!!!!! Or maybe it should be the other way round ??????? M.

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When I was a little bit disappointed not to hear from him and told him so, he wrote on March 24th:

NEVER EVER give up on me !!!!!!!!!!!! First you take the credit for sending me to the border and when I get there you don’t want me to work …… It’s tough out here …….. and emailing is NEXT to IMPOSSIBLE …. You should know that ….. internet’s not that frequent at border posts ….. And I’m still here, chasing THE story YOU want to see……. Have to rush out again …….. have a meet……..

DEADLINE

to

Talk later. JK Later the same day he added:

Enjoy the weekend ……… hoping to leave the border over the weekend and get some ‘much-needed-rest’ !!!!!!!! JK After having returned to Johannesburg, he then called on Monday, March 26th, and informed me that he was going to Dar-es-Salaam for a Conference. I asked him to check on some of my friends there, amongst whom also Reginald Mengi.

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On Sunday, April 1st, after having back he then wrote:

Dar-es-Salaam was excellent ……… what a beautiful city ….. last time I was there was for Nyerere’s funeral back in 1999 ………… Anyway, I spoke to Mengi ….. he seems to OWN all of Dar-es-Salaam …. and doing very well too !!!!!!!!! He said he’d do some research and email me the contacts ….. so, I did manage to ‘squeeze-in’ some time for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m back in Joburg …… and Mugabe’s still very much in POWER in Zimbabwe ….. one step forward, two steps backwards !!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk soon, JK I then told him that we should from now onwards only write and talk to each other when we really feel like and not let it become a ‘habit’ like before…… To this he replied on April 4th:

No need for AGREEMENT !!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS feel like writing or talking to you …… unfortunately I can’t do it as often as I’d like to …… But believe me, I enjoy it and never feel ‘obligated’ …….. JK ************************ 451

CHAPTER 38

‘ SHOWDOWN ‘

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As I had said before,

the whole ‘exercise’ of the past weeks after London was meant to put some ‘sense’ into Jeff’s head and mind ……….. And it also helped me to divert my own thoughts from another subject which at that time was still unsolved: my health status. The injury was still not healing very well. I had to take some very strong antibiotics and the results of the HIVtesting had also not been confirmed yet. ****************** So when I had come back from another medical checkup after having been away for a long Eastern Holiday, I first checked may emails. There was one by Gail Thompson informing me that Jeff still had not come to agree on the final terms regarding the patronage of the girls we had agreed on ………. ‘it seems he is always too busy ………’ But what made me then really furious was a message by Jeff on April 12th:

Patience is a virtue ………. I’ll be OFF as of Monday, April 16th for a month ……. No it’s NOT paternal leave ………… it’s time I’ve been asked to take off …….. Take care and we’ll chat soon …….. JK

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What did he mean with ‘Patience is a virtue’ ????? Did he really think he could take me for a ‘ride’ …….. did we end up again on empty words and promises …..??? Did he not understand that I had given him a last chance to save himself ……… had he again become so sure about my ‘everlasting love’ for him ???????????? I also realized that he never again came back to talk about London or asking me how I was feeling. He knew that I was still seeing my Doctor – but he had obviously decided that London was ‘past’ and he decided to ‘move on’ ……. Maybe it had been a mistake trying to find an amicable solution. This must have given him the impression that I was just another ‘weak’ woman and not to be taken seriously …… ************* After having spoken with Gail and after receiving her final confirmation that he really had not come to an agreement with her yet, I decided I had to do something, especially since I had the strong feeling that this ‘one month leave’ was just an excuse to gain more time ………….. On April 19th I wrote:

You better read this …….. You will find under m.j.briner-mattern.blog/com Koinange’ including photos and albums …..

‘Jeff

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Up to now it is empty since I am waiting that you fulfill what has been agreed between you and me ….. But I will not hesitate to start the blog if you continue ‘playing a game’ …. You have two weeks time from now on …. because I do not believe in your ‘one month leave’ ……. You should know by now that I am not a woman you can play with ………. This is not a threat - just a warning …….. M. Jeff’s instant reply:

I wish you would STOP threatening me …… I really HATE it when you do that …… First of all, I am on LEAVE …… you can call CNN in ATLANTA if you want to ……………. Second of all, I have FULFILLED my DEAL with GAIL ……. and if you want names, ages, phone numbers and amount of sponsorship money, I will GLADLY provide that too……. A DEAL IS A DEAL …………. and I HAVE FULFILLED MY END ……….. I wish you would do the same!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wish you wouldn’t USE those very HURTFUL blackmail tactics ……… it HURTS me very much ….. why is it so hard to believe I’m on LEAVE ????????????? Am I not entitled to LEAVE ??????????????????

455

Please, believe ATLANTA!!!!!!!!!!!

me

……….

or

check

with

JK After having read this, I got even more angry ….. what had his leave to do with not going to see Gail and now even trying to cheat me in saying that he had already ‘fulfilled his side of the deal’ ……. So again I called Gail and again she told me that she had tried to get into contact with Jeff and had invited him and his wife for Dinner to discuss all open questions – but it seemed they could not agree on a mutual date ……….. Based on this information I then replied to Jeff:

Gail told me again that you only mentioned your eventual willingness to sponsor but that you did not follow this up ….. she based this on your huge amount of work …. But I informed her that you are supposed to be on leave so you should have time now….. So how can you talk about names, age and amounts …. Be serious, dear Jeff, and stop thinking that everybody is a fool. M. And again he tried to convince me:

If you must know, Gail and I have come to an AGREEMENT ……. And I told her to keep it PRIVATE …… because it was not anyone’s BUSINESS ….. 456

I didn’t think you’d be enquiring ……. but now that you did, you should know I have FULFILLED MY PROMISE ……… and it’s a PRIVATE and CONFIDENTIAL matter!!!!!!!!! And no, not EVERYBODY is a FOOL …….. only ME !!!! What did he mean – did he really think I continued believing some nice words of his and even putting Gail like she was telling me lies????????? I had never foreseen such a development and wrote:

I do not think that I am ‘anyone’ – at least not for this since this was a part of my ‘punishment’ for you after London ……. So, in other words, since Gail told me yesterday that you came there only once and had just mentioned your ‘willingness’ to support her but then did not follow up this matter because of the overload with work and the problems connected to the hijacking incident (for which she told me she had offered your wife counseling with their psychologist …..), you now try to tell me that she lied to me??????? Because you want to keep this matter private and confidential ??????? Gail knows that it was my idea to get you involved, so there is no need for her not to tell me the truth – and I believe her and not you !!!!!!!!!!!! Do you really want me to contact her again ??????? She told me yesterday very clearly that you mentioned your intention, but that nothing has been agreed on yet!!!!!!!!!!!

457

Don’t continue playing - you told me once that I have brought you to your senses …… but it now looks like just for some minutes or maybe hours - and you have gone back to the ‘old days’ very soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you need another lesson ??????????? M. Jeff’s instant reaction:

Please contact her …………. I urge you to ……….. and you continue to THREATEN me again !!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? I replied still on April 19th:

What do you fear - are you becoming paranoid ??????? I will not contact Gail - because I still believe her and not you - but I do not want to embarrass her for having been ‘caught’ in the middle of our problems. Just let me add: I do not trust you a bit - ‘talk is cheap’ that what comes to my mind when I think about you. And I am not threatening you - like you once wrote to me: I can talk the talk and I can walk the walk ………. So maybe I follow you on this - ‘nyayo’ style !!!!!!!!!! M. And just read his reply - again the ‘old’ charming Jeff feeling ‘safe’ again:

NYAYO …….. NYAYO ……. You are ‘WICKED’ !!!!!!!!!!!!! ………. Now you can smile!!!!!!!!!!!!! 458

I now realize what I mean to you …….. when you don’t hear from me, you become very ‘AGGRESSIVE’ !!!!!!!! WHY don’t you just say that you MISS ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ********** I gave up – he still did not understand what this was all about …………….. nor would he ever change …………. ********** But since I had promised to give him two weeks time to think things over, I started preparing the blog but did not publish it yet …….. *********************

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CHAPTER 39

JEFF’S ‘END OF THE WORLD’ …..

460

On May 9

th

he informed me that he was in Atlanta to ‘sort’ out some things with CNN …………and would call me when he was getting back to Joburg ……… That was the end of my patience ……… after Gail confirmed for another time that he had not even found the time to see her during his leave, I decided to start publishing our correspondence in my blog ‘Distantlovers’……… And I also decided to cut any contact with Jeff since I regarded him as a totally hopeless case ………

*************** On May 16th he informed me that he just landed in Joburg and would call me immediately when he was getting home and had ‘unpacked’ …… if that’s ok ………. I decided that it was better not to wait for his call but to inform him instead in writing about my blog:

I am not afraid anymore ……. So don’t try to scare me …. I am even prepared to ‘move’ again like I did in the past …. Although I still do not believe that you want to put yourself on the same level with people like Nicholas Biwott as you have warned me in the past you would . I have started the blog – M. So when he then really called, I decided not to take his call.

461

Jeff then wrote on May 17th:

I have no idea what you’re talking about or where this ‘new’ anger is coming from ……….. I tried to call you yesterday as planned and today as well but got no reply. What’s going on ??????????????? Please tell me. And in another mail the same day:

Will you please tell me what’s going on ?????? What am I being accused of doing now ?????????? I go away for three weeks, I come back and it’s like I’m communicating with someone I don’t know ……. What happened between the time I left and now ??????? I replied:

No comment from my side …….. try to find out yourself ……. I am sure you will ……… M. And Jeff:

I am not interested in finding out something that I have nothing to do with ………. And if you’re accusing me of doing something without any proof then that is very unfair and uncalled for ….. 462

I thought we were friends but you obviously have other intentions ………… Having tried my best to maintain this friendship, I’m having a hard time understanding what’s going on…..

Jeff still feeling superior, still not understanding anything ….. and even becoming offensive - gave me the last confirmation that I had been right to start the blog. I decided I should make my feelings clear – once and for all. So I wrote:

Give me one reason why we should be ‘friends’ ……. just one ….. since I don’t find any …… I still have nightmares about London and what you did………. No other man in my life has ever done this …… so can the ‘credit to be the first’ – something you always wanted to be ……. But is this really something to be ‘proud’ of ??????? Maybe you will reply ‘yes’ – but I definitely (and with me millions of women) will say ‘no’ …….. Just think about this ….. and this is why I will continue with my blog ….. Many women in the world are looking up to you – like you once said “ I am the voice of the ‘voiceless’ ……” But can you still take the responsibility ….. can you ????? 463

If you give one reason …… just one ….. I will stop the blog immediately ……. And don’t worry – I spoke with Sassa about this and with Frederik and with Njoroge ….. So you see, I have nothing to ‘fear’ anymore …… even if it means to move …… after you threatened me that you would disclose my address to Biwott …….. you cannot scare me !!!!!!!!! As you said once yourself: The truth has to be told – no matter what !!!!!!!!!! Remember ????????? M. *********** Since I had also informed the CNN Officials about my blog, they obviously had taken immediate action. Because already the following day, Friday May 18th, Jeff wrote:

FINALE ……… Marianne, this will be my last communication with you because as I’m sure, knowing you, it will end up as a BLOG. But I feel there are things I must say before I sign-off. 1.

The whole Biwott thing that I mentioned many months ago, was said out of anger and was just an 464

‘empty threat’. I would NEVER do that to someone I consider a friend. We talked about that later and I assured you that that would NOT happen …… it still WON’T!!!!!!!!!!! 2.

You PROMISED you would NEVER hurt me again after your last BLOG ….. how quickly you forget …. What happened in the last three weeks when I was on vacation and ‘OFF-LINE’ ???? I came back and it was like I was communicating with a different person. What happened?

3.

I did EVERYTHING you asked me to do and kept my part of the bargain …….. I guess TRUST means nothing to you.

4.

I can’t keep living my life thinking that every three weeks or three months you’re going to be threatening to ‘BLACKMAIL’ me with the BLOGS …. I have too much to live for.

5.

You should take some time to ‘de-stress’ ….. try and watch OPRAH and ask yourself, is this what my life is all about???? ……Life is NOT all about ‘exposing’ people and ‘ruining’ reputations ….. there’s so much more to life and so much to be GRATEFUL for ….. you’re NOT getting any younger and you don’t need to HATE so much.

Just ask yourself, what would Dr. Ouko feel about what you’re doing?? I think he’d be DISJUSTED !!!!!!!!! Think about it. GOODBYE ************ 465

AFTER SOME DAYS OF SUSPENSE AND WHEN PEOPLE STARTED REALIZING THAT JEFF’S IMAGE HAD BEEN TAKEN OUT BY CNN AND HIS NAME HAD BEEN ERASED ………………. CNN FINALLY CAME OUT TO ANNOUNCE THAT JEFF KOINANGE WAS NO LONGER WORKING FOR CNN…. HIS POSITION HAD ALREADY BEEN FILLED BY SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE ……… THEY DECLINED TO GIVE ANY REASON FOR HIS IMMEDIATE DEPARTURE …………..

**************** During the next weeks the ‘story’ went around the world mainly blaming me to have ‘shot’ down the ‘glamorous’ correspondent ….. ********** And then – after two months of silence – Jeff finally told his ‘version’ of the story: After admitting that he had ‘crossed the boundaries of morality’ and therefore had not only let down his wife and his family but also everybody who had trusted him, he then stated that he never ever had any sexual ‘encounter’ with me in London, verbally: ‘ we met in the Lobby of her hotel, had a drink together ….. and then decided to leave it at that’ ….. *********** I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO COMMENT THIS ……..

466

INSTEAD I AM SUGGESTING THAT YOU READ WHAT HE WROTE AND SAID HIMSELF AFTER LONDON …….. AND THEREFORE I LET HIM SPEAK FOR HIMSELF -

*********

BUT THIS TIME - JEF KOINANGE - PLEASE FIND THE COURAGE TO SAY THE TRUTH - AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH ………..

************************

467

EPILOGUE

IS THIS THE REAL ‘TRUTH’ BEHIND JEFF KOINANGE ??

468

After

having read my blog and mainly after having seen the emails Jeff had written to me since August 2006 until the end of May 2007 and after having conducted a 2days interview with me, a certain Swiss Media Group has come to the following conclusion: This whole ‘affair’ was obviously a ‘set-up’ – i.e. certain powerful men in Kenya have used Jeff to humiliate me, to give me a lesson for having given evidence against them in Nairobi and especially for the Declaration I had given to the Sunguh-Committee in London. Knowing Jeff’s close family connections to the leading Kenyan Political Class and taking into consideration his admitted own political ambition to become the President of Kenya in 2012 latest, there is only one conclusion possible: He has accepted to be their ‘tool’ to get to me and to give me a ‘punishment’ ……….. According to them there is no other explanation for his behavior with me and that includes also his ‘steamy loveletters’ ……. Why else did he react ‘offended’ whenever I pointed out to him the age difference – calling me ‘paranoid’ several times ….. and even becoming aggressive and angry when I told him that I would also see John Troon when going to London in February telling me that it is him who invited me …. that he had already made all necessary arrangements and I should therefore not make my own plans ……….. Was he afraid that John Troon could warn me? Which by the way he did when I told him that I was meeting Jeff.

469

Also John Troon said that Jeff had ‘set me up’ – that I should have never trusted a man like that …… Does this explain everything which happened? Was it really a set-up? Should I have taken into consideration how close and friendly Jeff was with Biwott – embracing him ‘as usual’ whenever they met? And that it was Biwott who had asked via his lawyers to stop me from leaving the country after I had given evidence in November 2005 saying ‘she has to be punished’…. Was this the ‘punishment’ he had in mind and was Jeff their ‘tool’ - if yes, what has he been promised? A leading job in Kenya? A seat in the next Parliament? Money? ************ I know that some people – and mainly Kenyan women who have elected him in 2000 the sexiest man alive continue saying that I should have kept quiet - suffer in silence ……….. But this would exactly be the wrong way. The truth has to come out – no matter what it takes. No woman should accept being ‘voiceless’ anymore. *****************************

470