Department Of Erections

Department of Erections _______________________________________________________________________ _

Chief Executive Officer: Timothy J. Powers Chief Operating Officer: Sean M. Harrison <> Chief Financial Officer: Charles E. Riffle Chief Security Officer: Andy Marin Violations Enforcer: OPEN, currently accepting résumés “Oral Services” Secretary: OPEN, currently accepting résumés (females only) Mission Statement: To provide all straight guys with a set of ever-growing and changing standards by which to guide, improve, and

The Department of Erections Bill of Rights

1. Men don’t let men date sluts. 2. You MUST be the wingman for a friend who is requesting your assistance. NO EXCEPTIONS. 3. Never be a “cock blocker” to one of your friends. 4. Guys do not “pop” their shirt collar. EVER! EVER!!! 5. Guys don't tell on other guys. 6. Don't embarrass your buddy in front of chicks. 7. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arm’s reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe. 8. You must tell a friend if he does not notice that his girl is gaining weight. 9. Never reveal a friend’s lies to any chick. 10. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

Amendments 11. All guys follow the standard, unwritten urinal etiquette policies. 12. Movie theater seating etiquette. 13. Ex-Girlfriends and Ex-wives are off limits to your friends.

14. Sisters and Moms are off limits to your friends. 15. No calling other guys "just to talk". 16. Never go to a tanning salon a.k.a. “fake bake”. 17. If your girl is the only female in the group, then it is a guy’s night out and she does not belong. 18. Don't let your girl schedule the wedding on a holiday. 19. Always kiss and tell. 20. No two guys are allowed to watch porn together. 21. Physical contact, between males, the occasional handshake excluded, should be sports related only; fighting is a sport. 22. Don't take your buddy's beer and/or personal items. 23. No male-to-male eye contact during a threesome, however, you may do the “Eiffel tower”. 24. No eye contact during a lap dance. 25. No two guys cannot be on a motorcycle at the same time. 26. If your friends hate a chick, so do you. 27. Scary movies are the best date movies. 28. Bros before hoes. 29. Keep said condom close to the bed, no one wants to have to run across the room naked. 30. Men cannot go to a club, bar, or party knowingly wearing the same cologne. 31. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage. 32. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean. 33. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 34. “Falling on a grenade for a buddy” (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score with) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it. 35. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything! 36. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. 37. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires. 38. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike “swoosh”. 39. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever!! Case closed. 40. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "Com’n, give me one more, harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers!" "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?" 41. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine. 42. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However, an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it. 43. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. 44. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in an organized sporting event) 45. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

46. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan lotion. 47. If you say “ouch”, you’re a pussy! 48. No two guys in the same bed * 49. It is your duty as a heterosexual male to make your buddy aware of any thong sightings in the immediate surroundings. 50. No man shall ever scream and follow up with "it/that was scary". 51. No real guy gets smashed off “Cheerleader Beer” (Smirnoff Ice, Smirnoff Triple Black, Mike's Hard Lemonade, etc.) 52. If another guy is involved in an action which produces minor to moderate pain (tripping, smashing fingers, attacked by small dog, etc.) you must laugh at him before offering any aid. 53. Under no circumstances should you allow your date to pay for anything on a date. This is not sexism, it is chivalry. It sucks, yes, but you have to deal with it because it is guy code. 54. You should have at least one good wound that you can brag about. 55. Do not drive cars painted yellow, lime green, pink, purple, etc. 56. Do not wear “Crocs” sandals, because no matter how comfortable they maybe, you’ll still look like a douchebag. 57. Never wear a fanny pack or messenger style bag. 58. Never wear turtle neck sweaters. 59. Do not sit down to pee. 60. Guys do not wear Capri pants. EVER! 61. Guys do not watch a “chick flick” by themselves. 62. Guys do not drink anything that ends with “tini” 63. Never wear sunglasses indoors or at night time. 64. Guys do not pluck their eyebrows. 65. Guys do not deny a game of beer pong or flip cup. 66. Guys do not order red meat cooked to any temperature above “medium”. 67. Guys do not wear toe rings or ankle bracelets.

*If said exception is a) you’re participating in a threesome with your buddy and a chick; or b) Lack of money for two beds in a hotel, then a head-to-toe sleeping arrangement must be made. If ANY man shall happen to break ANY of these codes, he will be found guilty by either one or more of the DoE Committee Chiefs, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name “Princess”. Each violations case will be reviewed and processed immediately on an individual basis by the Committee Chiefs to determine if such action(s) did violate the DoE standards and practices. Multiple violations at one time or incurring a violation while already on the 24 hour “Princess” period, will result in a stricter punishment to be determined by a majority vote of the current DoE Committee Chiefs. Any DoE Committee Chief may pardon any male violator at anytime, without the consent of the other Committee Chiefs, however, each Committee Chief is limited to one (1) pardon every calendar month, and pardon privileges will not rollover from month to month if unused. A Committee Chief may only be violated and punished by a

fellow Committee Chief, and only when said policy is violated in the presence of another Committee Chief. Please note that while the Department of Erections tries to maintain the highest of standards and practices, the above listed policies are subject to change without notice, such as, they may become updated to contain further details or maybe removed based upon decisions made by the current DoE Committee Chiefs. Said policies may be enforced at anytime, anywhere, and by anyone who has the written consent of all four (4) DoE Committee Chiefs.