Dearorris Preseason Sept. 2004

Dear Orris

PreSeason Edition Sept. ‘04

Dear Orris: Last year you were all about questionable gay pictures. You were working blue for God’s sake! What happened, tough guy? Maybe you should throw in the towel and admit you’re a has-been. Tell me something about the upcoming season. Maybe records and point averages for all the owners if you have the balls. Tom C. The Homes, IL Dear Tom: Wow. Let me say the best part of the last year was watching you return Dick Cox and little Dick that interception in O.T. for the Packers to win the Seattle playoff game. ponder who to select You’re tough but why don’t you click your heels together 3 times and go first this year. back to Africa. As far as your fantasy team is concerned you might as well neatly fold your panties and put them back in the drawer with your selections. Since Steph obviously hasn’t been putting water in your dish I’ll let you know something. Look to finish 6-7 and average 34 points a game. If your aunt had any balls she’d be your uncle. I’m your Daddy! Love, Orris

TOM COX FAMILY PHOTO

Dann terrorizing Tommy….BRILLIANT!

Bill Arnold promises to keep a closer watch on Doug this year.

OTHER POINT & RECORD PREDICTIONS: Johnny Kwit – Rumor has it you’re living in the woods chopping down trees and wearing a coat made of your mom’s pubic hair. Ouch! Please say it ain’t so! 5-8, 33.5 points avg. Joe Kapp – You have to be the one owner everyone wants in his conference. Here’s an early clue: Hook your team up to life support now so it won’t hurt as badly when you have to pull the plug about week #8. Your new name is Joey Coma. Fluff yourself and your fluffing team. 4-9, 34 points avg. Kevin Cox – This is an easy one. You’re the only league owner who doesn’t need a dick hole in his underwear. Since every other weekend as Lil’ Richard’s gay porn stunt double occupies most of your time you certainly need help. Remember to draft active players. 6-7, 37 points avg. Tim Cox – With your busy schedule you’ll be lucky not to draft one of your kids onto your team this year. You are the Mike Brady Award winner for the third straight year. Its amazing gay men can be fathers. You’ll need to rehab your team come November like you rehab your houses. Good luck! 7-6, 39 points avg. Steve Sprague – Since you have had a tough summer I’m giving you a pass. Yeah, right. But right now the 10 Bud Lights and dry roasted peanuts I’ve consumed are making me a toilet Payday candy bar dispenser. Only it’s not candy. You’ll do well. 9-4, 47 points avg. Jay M. – You may be married but you’re still Thidwick, the Big Headed Moose to me. Unfortunately your teams always seem to be skinned and gutted by poachers. If you get that belly ring you’ve been threatening me with make sure it’s an onion ring. 4-9, 35 points avg. Doug Z. – Gosh, you’re the meat on my best friend sandwich. If we were both on a sinking ship with only one life jacket I’d miss you terribly and think of you often. Just because you called in a bomb threat to the Special Olympics doesn’t make you tough in my book. I LOVE YOU!! 11-2, 55 points avg. Skook – I’m the Colonel and you’re the dark meat on the extra crispy side. As usual your draft picks will have wished they smoked the same 49 herbs and spices as you did draft night. Your pile of bullshit is so high I need a shirpa to guide me to the top. 3-10, 32 points avg. Dann R. – The fifth plus season as our commish! Kudos. Your team gets a bye from this unbiased publication of fair and good advice. Just remember what the leper told the hooker: “Keep the tip.” 9-4, 49 points avg. Dick Cox – A redundant name for a redundant team. When you draft pick all I can envision is Sonny Bono crouched balls out at 60 mph heading for a stationary line of aspens. POWWWW!! Dead at draft! 4-9, 37 points avg. Stew – Let me guess. You go to China and you figure I’ll forget about you. Is that it? Wrong, Mr. “Can’t-Use-aChopstick.” Please remember you’re the Jethro Bodine of the league. Why don’t you just go to the draft with a rope for your belt. Do sum sipherin’! 7-7, 39.5 points avg. Craig M. – Gotta go light on a man who both employs me and will draft a team that resembles something that exited the south end of a northbound Missy. 8-5, 42 points avg. Doug A. – A “Dear Orris” salute to the only Super Bowl winner to be hauled out with a wine moustache by his overly hip 70-something father on draft night—Sorry, it just seems too much that you won the title. But that aside, I know you’re crazy. You’ve got squirrels juggling knives in your head. That’s nuts! We needed a calculator last year to pronounce over half of your draft picks. Whether it was the name misspelling or your smashed grape intake it was an adventure. Here’s a hint for this year’s draft night: Have your dad give both you and your fantasy team a ride home since you’ll both be puking early. You know what time it is this season? Half past you’re not league champion. 3-10, 31.5 points avg.

And back by popular demand…The “WHICH COX IS THIS ANYWAY?” Contest

The entire league and North America correctly guessed Tom Cox. Please note Tom really doesn’t talk like this except on weekends.