Criminal Minds

G. Nixon

Criminal Minds “The defendants Gavin McKavey, Anthony Platt and Daniel Ramsbury are charged with assaulting a police officer, actual bodily harm, damage to private property, grievous bodily harm and assaulting twelve senior citizens.” “Yeah, wasn’t us Sir” Platt asserted “Silence! I will have order!” the Judge blazed at this interruption, “Mr Primrose, The Jury’s verdict if you please?” “Your Honour, in this most heinous case the Jury finds the defendants… Guilty”. A ripple of approval ran through the stands. *** Twilight hung in the warm, evening air; lighting the shabby estate and glistening upon the noble crowns of three skinheads. The pubescent trio were pale, pockmarked and wreathed in the finest tracksuits, courtesy of Gypsy Paul down Ganders Street. Dan, the shortest of the three, realised they were about to walk past the off-license and piped up, “’Ere Gav, can you get served mate? Get us some fags will yeh?”. Gavin, sporting a small scar under the left eye (which he was immensely proud of) and what Platt called a ‘bum-fluff-tasche’, replied in a piercingly nasal voice, “Nah mate, I’m banned me” “Aw fuck off, why?” Gavin gave a somewhat leery grin and said, “Yeah, got caught with a magazine and two pints of milks in me kegs”. The others laughed and jeered while Gavin’s voice ‘bitched-out’ (as Platt would say) when he retorted, “Oi! I’ve got kids to feed dickheads!” “What mag was it yeh nicked?” Platt asked slyly “Nuts”, Gavin mumbled with a hint of a flush. “Bet that confused yer under-crackers!” said Platt as he and Dan sniggered. “Yeh Prick!” a now fabulously scarlet Gavin swore and he aimed a kick at Dan (whose height made him the usual target for casual violence). And it was thus that Gavin was blessed with two important life lessons which a quiet part of his brain stored away for the grandchildren: FIRSTLY - Always tie your laces Before attempting to kick someone And SECONDLY - Never smash a Bingo Hall window Especially one under a sign proclaiming ‘Senior Citizens Night!’ The boys paused as the sudden shock of the shatter passed. Silence. Not a sound save the blowing of a chill wind. Then, from within the bingo hall issued a hideous shriek, unearthly, sending a combined shiver through three spines. They were poised to flee when the main doors exploded outwards, giving way to a host of enraged OAPs. Just before the sea of tweed and wool overtook them, Gavin thought he glimpsed half a trainer sticking out of the bingo-ball machine. And then it was too late. *** -1-

G. Nixon

Boxed inside a small copying room in McCarthy, McCarthy & Sons Solicitors, Andrew Faday gazes longingly at the square patch of pure blue on the other side of the window. Andrew, the company Fee Earner, is 27, single and looks permanently undernourished and pale. A gull flies past, distracting him as the door behind lets in the tall, beautiful Assistant Secretary, Alice. Alice forces a polite smile and pretends not to notice Andrew’s eyes snatching a brief peek at her breasts. His brain is frantically trying to think of something interesting to say. “Old Madge Parkinson’s on her second Criminal Injuries Claim this month”, he blurts, simultaneously cursing his wits in silence. Alice is staring at the copy machine, waiting. Andrew plunges on bravely, “Yep, rings up this morning and says she got beaten up by three huge thugs”. Alice looks at him at last while he silently exults, “And that’s not all [pause for effect] she says they beat up no less than eleven other senior citizens and one copper in the same night! Should be worth a couple of grand easy” he adds to try and sound like he is good at his job. Alice gasps and puts a delicate hand over her mouth. Her immediate reaction is customary, forced shock and disgust over a thick layer of morbid curiosity. As she begins to ask for more detail Andrew is visited by the overwhelming and entirely illusory certainty that he is in with a chance. *** “Oh SHIT! Coffin dodgers! ‘Ere Dan, give us yer URGHH!”, Platt was cut off as a Zimmer frame collided with horrifying impact against his crotch. He would have died that day of scrotal haemorrhaging were it not for the stolen copy of ‘Hustler’ nestled neatly in his pants. As he doubled over a pack of kindly-looking ladies pounced, Platt screamed unintelligibly and their knitting needles gleamed red under the streetlight. Between handbag lashings and hideous cackles, two of the women jabbered at each other. “Ee, how’s your Billy these days?” “He’s fine in himself thanks Madge” replied the second (Platt yelped loudly as Madge drove her heel into his back), “He’s got an appeal coming up next month” “Oh dear” “Relax Madge, I’m not in any danger, its not like he actually did anything.” She smirked widely displaying three gold teeth, “And if they do find him innocent, they can’t reclaim my compensation after all this time!”. They chortled and chatted while the punishment was dished out. The other two boys fared no better. Only inches away a bald man was hammering little Dan’s head savagely with his cane, while, off to the left, four wraithlike arms in wool cardigans slithered out of the shadows to claw at a whimpering Gavin. Dan, feeling oddly light-headed and dizzy from the onslaught, curled up in a frightened ball and listened to the melee. Blows rained down everywhere and he heard a grizzled voice nearby cough, “They’re coming, shape yourselves”. It took Dan half a minute to realize he was no longer being pummelled. Something was different. Sounded different. The sounds of carnage had altered. Gav and Platt! Where were the screams? A fresh wave of fear slammed cold through Dan’s veins, giving him the courage to peek under his arm at the scene. What he saw was terrible and wholly incomprehensible. -2-

G. Nixon

The pensioners were standing, waiting patiently as the bald cane-wielder came round serving out carefully weighed blows to their faces, hands and anywhere not covered up with clothes. Daily doses of blood-thinning Aspirin made the bruising thick and fast. Dan held his breath and stayed absolutely silent. Once they had all received some injury the elderly pack lay down, sprawling themselves out on the tarmac in uncomfortable positions. Madge and her friend were quietly gossiping as they lay out. Elsewhere, other bingo players were rolling up sleeves to better expose their vicious bruises. The bald cane-man walked casually to the bingo hall doors and shot a sudden look straight at Dan. Dan jumped, terrified, but the man laughed and drove his head at the door even as he ripped it open towards him. He slumped. A tooth clinked on the floor next to him. Why? What’s going on? Relax Madge, it’s not like he actually did anything. Slowly, cautiously, the quivering forms of Gavin and Platt were picking themselves up. Dan stood. Disbelief etched on the three faces. One changed swiftly to anger. Gavin snarled as he stared down at the body of an emaciated old man. Something’s not right here, Dan thought. Gavin was drawing his foot back, ready for a vengeful kick. Dan saw the danger behind him. But he was too slow and the shout died on his lips. “You wrinkly Bastard!” Gavin cried as he lashed his foot forward. Simultaneously a huge hand landed on his shoulder and spun him around. Gavin glimpsed a familiar uniform but the momentum in his leg could not stop now. It was over in an instant, and the burly police officer was left clutching his shin in pain while his partner tackled Gavin. A cold premonition swept through Dan. Relax Madge. He hardly felt the handcuffs clap tightly on. It’s not like he actually did anything. Later, as the three bruised, miserable boys were being manhandled into a police van, Dan caught sight of the bald-cane-man rushing past in a stretcher. Did he just wink at me? Dan wondered. Police officers were dotted around, taking statements from any of the elderly who weren’t already in ambulances. The boys couldn’t hear what they said, but the gestures towards the van and the tears were clear enough. Then the van doors shut and three truly notorious criminals were born. [1390words]

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