Confront In Love

Confront in Love (Matt. 18:15-17; Gal.5:13-15; 6:1-5) A well-known Christian psychologist, Larry Crabb wrote, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.” John Maxwell says there are three types of people when it comes to Matt. 18:15-17: 1. Hiders-they don’t share the truth. 2. Hurlers-they share the truth, but not in love. 3. Healers- they share the truth in love. Author John Maxwell lists 12 ways to constructively or destructively manage conflict: 1) Constructive: Agree on a time and place to talk it out. Destructive: Catch the other person off guard. 2) Constructive: Assertively, honestly express your feelings. Destructive: Passively suppress your feelings. 3) Constructive: Focus on the problem, not the person. Destructive: Personalize the disagreement. 4) Constructive: Select a neutral referee. Destructive: Get your friends to referee. 5) Constructive: Develop a positive, mature attitude. Destructive: Be negative and vindictive. 6) Constructive: Search for a solution. Destructive: Find someone to blame. 7) Constructive: Focus on specifics. Destructive: Generalize and exaggerate. 8) Constructive: Be open and available. Destructive: Be silent and superior. 9) Constructive: Affirm your responsibility. Destructive: Blame someone else. 10) Constructive: When problems arise, work them out. Destructive: When problems arise, walk out. 11) Constructive: Listen, wait and learn. Destructive: Presume, assume and dominate. 12) Constructive: Forgive and forget. Destructive: Stubbornly demand guarantees. Process 1) Rebuke in private (Luke 17:3)

elegcho {el-eng'-kho}Gk. = rebuke, expose, bring into the light, convict, shame, admonish, reprove Correction is a healing act (Ps. 141:5) Correction is a saving act (James 5:19-20) 2) Take one or two witnesses (Deut. 19:15) For greater emphasis To establish truth/facts (John 8:17; 2 Cor. 13:1; 1 Tim. 5:19) To minimize subjectivity 3) Tell the local church 4) Treat as a non-believer Shun/excommunicate Can lead to repentance and restoration (1 Cor. 5:1-5; 2 Cor. 2:5-11) Bring before a court of law? Which you should not do for a fellow-believer (1 Cor. 6:1-8) An offender should be: 1) Made aware of his offense 2) Repent If he repents, forgive him (Luke 17:3) 3) Make amends (Lev.6:4) However, all of this should be preceded by some self-examination to determine where you may be at fault (Gal. 6:4) The injured party should initiate the process Objectives: 1) Peace (Rom. 12:18; 14:19; Heb. 12:14) 2) Reconciliation Repentance + Forgiveness = Reconciliation

Between brothers We should pursue such reconciliation before approaching the altar (Matt. 5:23) With God For a sin against a brother is a sin against God (1 Cor. 8:12) 3) Avoidance of Resentment/Revenge 4) Preservation of integrity the individuals involved 5) Preservation of the integrity of the church body Motive: Love (Gal. 5:14; 1 Pe. 4:8) This is sometimes considered acting in the “opposite spirit” (Matt. 5:38-48) Not hate (Lev. 19:17) Restoration should be done with a gentle spirit (Gal. 6:1; Prov. 15:1; 25:15; James 3:1618) Sometimes its not just what you say, but how you say it that determines how another will hear and respond (Ps. 25:11-13) The Harvard Negotiating Project has produced an excellent book called “Difficult Conversations” and its central premise is that tense and difficult conversations contain three levels – fact, feeling and identity and each of these needs to be skillfully addressed. For instance if a worker is rebuked for a poorly completed and late project there are the facts – the project was late, the work was poor; there are feelings of annoyance from the boss and maybe a sense of pressure or shame on the employee and there are identity issues – the boss may think “who do you think I am handing in work like this to me” and the worker may think “I guess you will always think I am stupid and incompetent from now on”. Just discussing the facts does not get very far. It may take a conversation that courageously addresses the issues to fix it and the participants may have to say things like “I don’t think you are stupid, but this work is unsatisfactory and late and you need to do it again and you are holding everyone up. I know you are bright and can do better so don’t let this happen again”. Conflicts should be resolved quickly and not left to fester (Matt. 5:25; Prov. 17:14) “Freedom” is not to used as an excuse for wrongful conduct (Gal. 5:13) Since free = should serve righteousness (Rom. 6:18), in order to draw others to Christ (1 Cor. 9:19)