Close Encounters Of The Rhetorical Kind

Close Encounters of the Greek Kind: A Rhetorical Act(Up) of Invention (Or, A Metaphoric Demonstration of Inventive Devices) Scene: A sunny day in spring, Athens Greece, circa 330 BCE. The characters: Aristotle, in his role as ethnographer of the collective Polis-mind. A variety of alien abductees from 20th century America. Aristotle leans against a stone fountain in the courtyard of his school, idly surveying the night sky. His day has been long, filled with observing Athenians in various forms of disputation. He is about to call it a night, when suddenly..... A bright light fills the sky! Aristotle falls to his knees, thinking that the Gods have descended from Mt. Olympus, but then, remembering that he doesn't buy into the polytheism of his fellow citizens, he arises to see a huge cylindrical object, so huge it fills up the horizon, which has landed immediately in front of him. He is astonished to see humans, garbed in strange attire, but humans nevertheless, descending from the spaceship. Ari only regains his faculties when all of the visitors, numbering nine, assemble in front of and look expectantly at him .......... Ari: What manner of Gods are you?! Richard Nixon: I just want to make one thing perfectly clear, I'm not a God, I'm not a God! (Definition) Ari: But certainly you are the Gods of old spoken of by Homer? John Belushi: But NooooOOOOOOOO!!! (Division) Ari: You take me for a fool, or worse, a Sophist. I ask these questions of you to elicit the truth. Jack Nicholson: You want the truth? Well mister, you can't HANDLE THE TRUTH! (Precedent) Ari: Oh yes, I can, because I have developed such wonderful systems to establish truth with language. You see, it's called rhetoric, and though I didn't create it, I will be the one to rehabilitate it. Elvis: Did someone say rehab? Oh no, oh no, don't want none of that...(Breaks into song) "I wanna git me a jelly donut, jelly donut, yeah yeah yeah." (Efficient cause) Ari: What is your purpose for being here? Please, I beg of you, impart the great wisdom you must have! Robert Fulghum: Flush, share everything, play fair, take a nap, and LOOK! (Enthymeme)

Ari: You make no sense, I understand your words but their meanings elude me. (Exasperated) Tell me at least, where have you come from? William Shatner: Space, the final frontier. (Analogy) Ari: So it is as I suspected, you are the Gods from above, despite your earlier denials. What can I possibly do to show my gratitude? Trent Reznor: "I wanna #$@% you like an animal" (Contraries) Ari: Heavens no....though you are such a lovely young lad... I am humbled by your presence, but so disconcerted by your words. You seem to have your own rules for behavior, for decorum. Tell me of your ultimate laws. Aretha Franklin: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Genus-species) Ari: Please stay with us and teach us of your ways! (The visitors shake their heads negatively as one, and turn to reembark upon their vessel) Ari (desperately): At least leave me with something I can hold onto, something I can give to my students, and in time they to theirs... JFK: Uhh, ask not what your polis can do for you, but rather what you can do for your penis ...... uh, Polis! Hey Aretha, it's a long trip home, come lay some of that soul on me, Queen.(Conjectural stasis) And so it came to pass, long after the advent of the Gods from beyond, that Aristotle was inspired to write his greatest treatise, “On Erotica”. At least, that's what it was until various ecumenical councils got hold of the text. But hey, rhetoric, erotic, it's all the same, because in the end it's all about the power to %$#@ or get %$#@ed.